


Union Station

by orphan_account



Category: E.R.
Genre: Angst, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-04-26 20:31:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 416,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5019394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Season 15 finale.</p><p>Susan, now divorced from Chuck comes to Chicago for the opening of the Carter Center.  Carter's marriage seems to be on the rocks.  A little what if story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't like how the series ended with things so up in the air for Carter. This is a wander into my own little AU territory, what might have happened in his life after the final curtain? 
> 
> It seemed certain that he was not close with any of his family and his marriage with Kem was in serious trouble, it appeared she was still dwelling on the loss of their son and was unwilling or unable to move past it. As much as Carter seemed to love Kem, I wish they had come up with another scenario to let him leave the show rather than chase after her, I wish they had let it go, or made it so the two ended up happy, even if they made her character a bit on the annoying side at times.
> 
> I was rewatching the series not too long ago, and my muse took over...all the what if scenarios, things that were left unsaid by the writers.
> 
> My imagination let loose, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Cross posting from FF.net
> 
> Thanks to those who have left Kudos :)

Susan stepped off the train at Union Station with a big sigh. Back in Chicago, the place where her life took so many ups and downs. She grew up in the suburbs, her parents not well off by any stretch, and her mom was crazy sometimes but she and Chloe had some great times. It felt like she was always leaving, only to be drawn back.

Well, this time it was only a visit, she had no plans on staying. Her life was in Iowa now. After she was denied tenure at County, she'd had enough. Dealing with Kerry Weaver was no fun, she and Carter had ended up on the outs, and then he left County anyway.

It had burned for a long time, how he'd been given tenure on a silver platter when he never even seemed to want it. Then he walked away. To be fair, she'd forgiven Carter long ago. She knew she'd been harsh and unfair, making it all about his money. Again. The look he'd given her before he turned and walked away without so much as a glance over his shoulder. It was stupid of her, if she were honest with herself. He'd been at County longer than her. He stayed and carried on after a lot of other doctors had moved on for various reasons, and he'd become an excellent doctor, and a good teacher and mentor.

And his life had never been easy either. Susan could see why he chose to go. The love of his life was in Africa, and it seemed they'd sorted things out. He was so in love with that woman, everyone could see it. How it destroyed him when they'd lost their son when Kem was 8 months pregnant, how it tore him apart when she left to go back and run her clinic in Kinshasa.

Susan had wondered for a long time why he didn't go back to Africa with her, but she finally understood there was so much more going on there. Sure, he'd tried to move on, and seemed to be doing well for a while, dating Wendall, who was for sure his type of woman. Unfortunately they broke up, and it was apparent Carter had never gotten over Kem. And was regularly talking to Kem. She phoned from Africa and Paris quite often, he'd get calls at work even, and disappear for a few minutes into the lounge to talk to her.

Then they finally got back together. Susan hoped his marriage had turned out better than hers. Her marriage had ended very badly. Chuck had cheated on her, and the divorce had recently been finalized, after a very long, and arduous year. It was hard being single again after only a few years of marriage, they hadn't even made it six years. She'd searched for the right person, and thought she had it all until it came crashing down around her.

At least she had Cosmo, the light of her life. He split time between her home and Chuck's, but he was with her more and more lately. Chuck was busy with his new wife and their baby. Susan had jumped back into dating, but she hadn't met anyone she even remotely had interest in.

She pulled her suitcase towards the exit and realized it was the same platform as when she left Chicago. The same one Mark Greene had chased her down, begging her not to leave, finally telling her he loved her, at the eleventh hour. Her feelings for Mark were conflicted at that point. She loved him, but wasn't sure if she _loved_ him. Not enough to stay, anyhow.

Phoenix had been good to her, until Chloe and Joe had moved to Texas, and she realized her family was elsewhere. She'd made friends there, but she didn't have the urge to stay, it was never home like Chicago. She'd dated, one guy for a while, but he ended up being a jerk. Mark had asked her several times to move back to Chicago, they talked on the phone sometimes, and she thought maybe she should give it another try. She'd moved back to Chicago, only to find out he was married, with another child. And he'd been very ill and never told her. She was put off by the fact he'd lured her back under false pretences, but she quickly forgave him.

He was still her friend after all, and she'd clearly assumed too much.

She smiled as she remembered the day she came back to County. Carter. God, he was so adorable, and seemed happy to see her. She remembered how sweet he was, seemly so innocent and naïve when he started at County. Then she started to realize, maybe not so innocent, he sure put a smile on quite a few girls faces. Nope, not innocent. He seemed to be always dating someone, he was so cute with Harper, then of course she left. Then there were rumours about the surgeon, but Susan left shortly after that to move to Phoenix and had lost touch with him.

He was sweet though, he cheered her up on her birthday, brought a ray of light into the ER, and of course he gave her the music box. And wanted to console her when Div left. What would have happened if she had let him? Nope can't go there, he was a med student at the time, it would have been very wrong. Maybe very pleasurable, but wrong to get involved with a student, no matter how great he was.

He grew into a very good doctor. She remembered him crawling from under the desk and thinking, holy hell, did he grow up. He was still completely adorable, but in a very handsome grown up way, his deep brown eyes still as expressive as ever. When he hugged her there was a definite pull of attraction there.

They'd started spending a lot of time together, and Mark noticed and she suspected he was jealous. Everyone noticed. But for some reason, she never let it get to a physical relationship. Not that he hadn't tried, they'd kissed, he'd admitted he'd had a crush on her, and she admitted that just maybe she'd had one on him. But she held back.

Abby. He'd had a thing for Abby and as much as she would have loved to sleep with Carter, she didn't want to be the one he settled for. Susan knew if she really let herself go, she was going to fall for him hard and fast, and she'd had her heart broken too many times already. So she put him off, and he stopped trying, entirely.

Still maybe she was right. He did end up dating Abby, though it ended up as a train wreck. He came so close to asking that girl to marry him, then he backed off, and the relationship imploded. Abby had a whole lot to do with it, she later realized, Abby was always so concerned about her family, and lived in her black cloud world, she couldn't see it. That she had a guy that would have done anything for her, but she couldn't or wouldn't let him in. He even had a ring for Abby, an amazing heirloom piece that must have been worth a bundle. But he never gave it to her, and the relationship cratered soon after that. Susan had always wondered what happened, but never had the opportunity to ask. Carter lost his grandmother, then took off to Africa. When he finally came back the second time, he'd moved on in spectacular style, bringing a pregnant Kem home with him.

By then Susan was in deep with Chuck, thinking she was totally in love. Maybe she was, but the long hours at work trying to get tenure had cut into her home life, and they drifted apart. Then Chuck 'drifted' into the arms of another woman and it was all over.

Susan shook off her musings and flagged down a taxi to take her to the hotel. She was meeting Carter and Weaver for lunch and a private tour of the new facility before the soft opening ceremony. It would still be months before it really opened, but she was honoured he had invited her.

They were friends after all, and always would be.


	2. How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

Carter pushed shut his locker and left the lounge. He'd worked a very short shift to fill in this morning, and now he was on his way home. He gave a brief wave to Morris and headed out the sliding doors into the ambulance bay.

Morris was quite a surprise, he never thought the guy would amount to much of a doctor, but he had 'set the tone'. Though he wasn't sure Morris ever quite got the meaning of the phrase, Carter sure had once he found out Mark had left County for good.

Carter missed the old days at County. The current staff was nice, but they sure weren't Benton, or Mark, or Doug, Susan or Carol. Or Deb. He _really_ missed Deb, and wondered how she was doing over in China. They emailed every now and again, but it was not the same as seeing her smiling face. They used to flirt and their practical jokes on each other and verbal sparring were legendary. She was just a friend, but a good one.

Chicago was very empty these days. He'd lost touch with so many people and of course the ones he was closest to were all gone. Even Luka, who he'd become friends with, had moved up to Boston with Abby.

That was a shocker, when Pratt had come to Darfur and told him Luka and Abby were together again and that she was pregnant. She'd always told him she didn't know if she could face the thought of having a child and then finding out they were bipolar.

Carter had always told her that she would love the child anyway. But it didn't really matter in the end, putting him and Abby together as a couple, it was like trying to mix oil and vinegar, it meshed for a while but always separated. He was happy for Abby and Luka, if they were happy. He'd asked Sam a couple times how they were doing but she was not very forthcoming, actually evasive most times, and he didn't bother anymore. What did it matter? He'd gotten over Abby long ago. She was never the right woman for him, like a round peg in a square hole, they never quite fit. Still he would have liked to know she and Luka had ended up happy, but he was not so sure it was the case.  Something about the way Sam evaded the question made him think things were not so rosy for them. Which was too bad, really. Luka deserved to finally be happy. Abby? She'd never be truly happy, it wasn't in her to accept anything good into her life.

He'd thought he'd finally found the right woman with Kem, but even that wasn't working out how he hoped. When they found out they were having a baby, they were both happy and excited and so in love with each other. Then they lost Joshua, before he was even born, before they got the chance to even know him. That was the beginning of the end, though Carter didn't want to accept it at the time. He had loved her so much, and he thought she loved him too. At least she said she did, every time they spoke, which was quite often, even when they were apart.

He made the fateful trip to Paris, and couldn't bring himself to leave without giving it at least one more try. And to his surprise, she said yes, she wanted to marry him, she wanted them to be together. Which worked for a while, they were happy on the surface, but underneath, Carter was starting to notice the deep melancholy that seemed to have invaded her soul.

They talked about the future, but she avoided even the suggestion that they try to have another baby. It would always end with Kem in tears, sobbing and mourning the loss of Joshua. Carter was devastated by this, he had so wanted a family, and of course he mourned the loss of their child too. But at some point they had to move on. Carter had a lot of practice at moving on after loss, but Kem not so much and she dwelt on it. Over time Carter stopped talking about it, though it ate at him, how he had given up so much to be with her, and it was all falling apart. How much he wanted a family, even one child would have made him happy, but Kem was pushing him away. Emotionally and physically.

He buried himself in work, and so did she. He knew she was now seeking comfort with Michel whenever she went to Paris, that she wasn't faithful in their marriage. Hell, they barely had a marriage anymore, let alone a sex life together. As much as he still cared for her, Carter was lonely, and hurting. He started his own affair. Not something he was proud of, but it helped to assuage the pain and loneliness as his marriage collapsed and Kem spent more and more time away. They were discreet, but people knew what was going on. It was different over there, though, no one judged him, or made a big deal of it. It was clear Kem was spending more time away and things were falling apart.

And Carter was spending more time in Darfur, when Kem was away. It gave some purpose to his life, a reason for being there. Until it almost killed him.

When Carter got sick, he tried to deny the reality, but it was only a matter of days before they airlifted him out of Darfur and took him to Nairobi. He took the news stoically, his kidney was being destroyed by an infection and he knew his time in Africa was over. They did dialysis, treated the infection and soon he was well enough to charter a flight back to the States. He had a private nurse to take care of him for the flight, and he slept most of the way, so he made it back and checked into Northwestern where he was accepted as a patient by a top Nephrologist and put on the UNOS transplant list.

He let Kem know where he was, but she never visited him, not in Nairobi and not in the States. In fact he didn't even tell her he was waiting for a transplant, he wasn't sure she would really care. She didn't seem to have much concern he was ill in Nairobi either. She later told him she didn't have the heart to see him so ill, and that she had been worried, but it didn't make him feel any better. He needed her so much, but typical of the women in his life, they abandoned him in his time of need. It was hard for him to get past it this time, she had left right after losing Joshua, saying she needed time, which he had given her.

He had even tried to move on, but he knew where his heart was, with Kem, and he was very happy the day she agreed to give it another chance. But of course, it all fell apart, just like every relationship he'd ever had.

Debbie and Angelique did come to see him though, and he was sure that was why he pulled through. The fact that he'd had friends there when he woke up, that he didn't feel so alone in the world. Another story of his life, feeling incredibly alone. His parents were never around, his brother had died, and most of the people he got close to left or died on him. The friends he had made at school all moved off into their own lives and his wife was never around.

By the time he ended up in the hospital at Northwestern waiting for his transplant, he had given up on Kem. He was falsely cheerful with Peter when he visited, though he was happy to see a familiar friendly face. He rarely even spoke to his parents, his friends now were all in Africa, or scattered about the globe, and he was very much alone in Chicago, waiting to learn his fate.

He had only a small hope left that he would ever be with Kem again, she had drifted away from him and their last conversation when he called to let her know what was happening was short. He was left feeling empty and defeated, but the continuous visits from Peter and the visits from a few people from County made him realize that he was very lucky to have survived, yet again. Someone had died so he could live and he remembered the little girl he had missed his graduation to sit with.

She was very sick and he had stayed and played cards with her. They had talked about how bad things were happening to people every day, and he remembered how brave she was during the whole process. Carter knew he still had a lot to give, a lot of people he could help, he needed to see through the opening of the Carter Center and make sure the dream became a reality.

So he rested and recovered. Went back to work on a part time basis and got back into shape, being careful to eat properly and take care of himself. He found his optimism and started to look forward to opening the center. He was very pleased with how it had turned out, and he looked up Kerry and invited her, and tracked down Susan, sending her an invitation as well. He invited Peter, of course, and Rachel Greene and Elizabeth Corday when he ran into Rachel by chance at County.

Carter met Kerry at the Center, and gave her a hug. It was good to see her, they'd had their differences over time, but honestly she could be a good person. They had an unusual bond, a love/hate relationship at times, she had been his landlord many years ago, and he saw the softer side of Kerry.

Most people would be shocked to learn Kerry had a soft side, but she did. He saw it when she looked at her son, when she had been with Sandy, who had died so tragically. Carter knew about loss, he knew way too much about loss.

Then he turned and saw Susan. She looked amazing, as beautiful as ever, and he felt a twinge of regret. He had always had such a crush on her, and the feeling were still there, hovering just below the surface, but she'd never cared for him as much. They'd dated, if he could call it truly dating. It had never led anywhere, she'd held back with him, told him it wasn't there for her.

Of course at the time he was kind of hung up on Abby, a relationship that had turned out to be a huge mistake. And though she denied it, he'd thought at the time, Susan was hung up on Mark Greene.

He opened the door, ushering them through, hoping they would be as impressed with the Center as he was, it was a dream coming to fruition after a very long time.


	3. Ain’t No Sunshine

Carter stood chatting with Kerry as Susan walked up the steps. Damn, he looked really good, married life must have worked out. She scanned his left hand, and noted the gold wedding band.

Susan gave Carter a big hug, inhaling his warm spicy scent and feeling a little twinge of attraction.

"Susan, I'm glad you came." Carter returned the hug and gave her a kiss as Kerry looked on. "You look great."

"Well, so do you," Susan said nonchalantly, thinking he looked good enough to eat.

Too bad he was a married man, or she might take him back to her hotel to have her way with him. She laughed inwardly, it had been way, way too long since she'd had a satisfying physical relationship. She'd always had an attraction to Carter though, she wished he hadn't been so hung up on Abby when she came back to Chicago.

They spent a couple hours touring the Center. Both Susan and Kerry were hugely impressed and had a myriad of questions.

"The place is incredible, Carter, I knew you were loaded, but I didn't know you had this much money."

Susan didn't think Kerry seemed all that surprised, but then she was in on the initial planning.

The bill for the Carter Center had ended up being about $200 million dollars, an absolute fortune, and now he had to staff it. A monumental task, but if anyone could do it, she was sure Carter could.

Kerry looked around looking a bit awed as well. "I never thought you could pull it off, but well done. This is even better than I ever imagined. You stuck to your guns when this was being planned and did a fantastic job."

"Thanks Kerry, there were days when I wasn't sure I could pull it off, but here we are. I'm very happy with the results."

"Do you have the money to staff it?" Kerry raised an eyebrow.

"Nope. I'll be fundraising for the rest of my life, it's going to be a full time job keeping the place running, but Todd has been incredible. I also have quite a few doctors who have said they'd be willing to volunteer, though we need a strong core staff to ensure smooth operations and proper patient care."

A full time job? What about Africa?  She didn't want to ask him, not in front of Kerry. She wasn't sure if Kerry could see it, he seemed happy and cheerful on the surface, but there was a hint of sadness too. Susan knew life had not been easy for him, and there was something going on that he was hiding.

Susan brushed off the uneasy feeling and let Carter take them to lunch. It was fun to reminisce about the old times, and old friends. Kerry was very different outside of work than she'd been at the hospital, and Susan found herself almost liking Kerry. Now that she didn't work with the dragon lady they got along far better.

"How's Chuck?" Carter asked.

"Oh, we divorced and I'm dating again. That's not so much fun, it's hard to find good single men once you get over forty."

"I bet," Carter and Kerry said in unison.

Kerry had shared she was in a happy relationship with her partner Cassandra, and her son Henry was doing really well. It was great to hear she was happy, she'd lost her partner Sandy several years ago.

Susan laughed slightly. "You're both lucky, having someone."

Kerry agreed wholeheartedly, Carter stayed quiet, he smiled faintly and Susan could see the look of sadness fleet across his face, and his eyes weren't smiling. There was something going on in his world, Carter wasn't happy.

They parted company after lunch, Susan wandered the lake path and wondered about Carter, what was going on with him? Finally she grabbed dinner and dressed up for the opening.

It was a good evening on all accounts. Carter gave a very heartfelt speech and Susan realized that he'd never had children and it was still difficult for him. She watched his eyes go to the back of the room and he paused briefly. She turned and noticed the solitary figure at the back. Kem.

So maybe they were still together, though Carter seemed surprised to see her.

Susan chatted with everyone and watched Carter work the room. He seemed distracted but seemed to pull it together and focus on the business at hand. There were some high profile people in the room, several from other charitable foundations, and she knew he was doing his part. Getting more donations to help staff the Center.

* * *

Carter's heart flipped a bit when he saw Kem walk in. She came. He couldn't believe she was actually here. He tried to speak with her, but all he got out was "You came." before he was dragged away.

Carter for his part kept his head in the game. He was getting some amazing support for the staffing and his heart soared. They were going to be able to hire all the staff he wanted and needed to properly run the new facility. It was all coming together. At the end of the long evening, he was tired, but overall happy.

Everyone agreed to meet for drinks, all the old crew from County, and he wanted to join them.

"I'll be along in a few minutes." He watched them all depart, then went to sit with Kem, and they talked, but, she was distant. As usual. She didn't even move to hug him, and he didn't try. Her body language was telling him to back off, and he did, even though he hadn't seen her in months. Well, if that wasn't the writing on the wall, he didn't know what was.

"How long are you staying?"

Kem sighed. "My flight goes home tomorrow evening. You know how hard it is for me to be here."

The light of hope went out, not that he had much left anyways. She could barely be in Chicago for 24 hours, she worked her flights to spend as little time as possible here. He noted she was wearing her wedding ring, but that didn't mean much these days.

"Let me buy you lunch, it's supposed to be nice tomorrow, we could go for a walk along the lake."

Her response was short. "I think about him every day, you know, he would be almost six."

This made Carter sad, she was still fixated on Joshua. He wished things had been different too, that their son had lived. But he tried to move on, and she was stuck in time.

"I'm meeting friends for drinks, did you want to come?"

"No, I'm tired, I'm going to my hotel." She was already halfway out the door and she hadn't answered him.

"Kem, lunch?"

She stopped briefly to glance over her shoulder. "I don't know, call me in the morning?"

And she was gone. Carter stood there for a long time. What had he expected? She hadn't been there much, for anything, she spent more time in Paris, and less time with him. He had been going to Darfur a lot, and finally ended up staying there, because she was hardly around.

When he got sick, she didn't come to Nairobi, he ended up in the hospital for weeks, alone. Then he came home to Chicago, alone. He faced his illness, the dialysis and the transplant, alone. He loved Kem, but she never got over the loss of Joshua, she didn't want to try again, and he wondered if she even loved him anymore. His time in Africa was done, he could never live there again for health reasons. Maybe Paris, but if she didn't want him there, then what was the point, and she had made it very clear that she would never live anywhere in the US. Chicago was just full of the loss of their son for her.

So now what? She couldn't even commit to lunch, but he'd call her and have the conversation. Things needed to be said, he knew she didn't love him anymore, if she ever really did. If it wasn't for her getting pregnant, would they have even stayed together?

He didn't know. Maybe they'd both been in love with the idea of being in love, having a child. Maybe he should have gotten back on the plane, ignored Fabienne, realizing Kem didn't want him there. Maybe he loved too much, he always had, but was it ever true love? Carter wasn't even sure about that anymore, whenever he loved someone they inevitably left him, and here he was, back in Chicago, alone, all his friends overseas. Back to having only his work, which at least was something, but not even close to what he'd hoped for in his life.

Carter went into the men's room and splashed water on his face. Pull it together, he thought, you have to pull it together. No one needs to know what is going on. He let himself out and walked down the street, put a smile on his face and joined the group.

Carter let the conversation flow over him, and added in things here and there. It felt like too much effort right now to say much about anything. Peter had asked him how it went, and all he could say was 'who knows'. He noticed Susan watching him, he would look up and her eyes would meet his, very briefly, but still. She was on to him, and he knew it. He wasn't good at hiding the turmoil in his life, not from her anyways, she knew him far too well. She was an incredibly astute and intuitive woman.

He gave her a little smile and a wink and she gave him a smile back that warmed his heart. Susan was one woman he knew truly cared, and maybe she always would. He knew she wasn't in love with him or anything, but she was a friend. The time rushed by far too fast, and it was time for everyone to go their separate ways. Carter was not ready to go home, alone, to his empty apartment so he threw out an offer to go say hi to everyone at County. Both Susan and Rachel accepted readily, though Peter and Elizabeth were done for the day.

Peter gave Carter a hug, one that reminded him of how Peter had comforted him when his world was collapsing around him, when he almost gave into his drug addiction. Peter knew his world was coming down around him again, that he had gone through a lot more than any of the others knew.

Peter had been keeping in touch with him, checking up to see how his recovery was going, like a big brother. Peter Benton, the last man in the world he ever thought would be his friend, yet he was always there somehow.

He enjoyed his time with Susan and Rachel, and as usual got pulled into the vortex. Susan went back to her hotel, and he put Rachel in a cab so she wouldn't miss her flight, and he was able to break away, and make the call.

"John." She sounded distant, sad.

He remembered a time when she was so happy to see him, to hear his voice on the phone. That Kem, where did she go? After Joshua died, she had seemed to come back to him. But only in brief flashes, but those were fewer and far between now.

"Kem. We need to talk, I'd appreciate it if we could meet even for a quick coffee before you leave."

"I don't know, you know how hard it is to be here. I might go on the next flight."

Carter's heart was aching, she didn't want to spend more than 5 minutes with him. Why was she even here? Why did she bother?

"Kem, please, all I'm asking is half an hour, to go for coffee. Then I'll even drive you to the airport."

"I've got a car coming for me. But, okay, meet at my hotel, we can have a quick coffee before I go to the airport. Can you be in here in the next hour?"

"Yes, I can leave now and it will only be about half an hour."

Carter left right away, and true to his word he was there in under half an hour. She met him in the lobby and they went right into the small cafe.

"I don't even know where to begin or how to say this."

Carter looked into her dark eyes, she was beautiful as ever, but she looked sad. Her eyes always looked sad when she was with him and he couldn't deal with it anymore.

Kem sighed and looked down into her coffee cup. "I know John, I know. This last year has been really rough, coming back and finding you gone."

"I got sick, Kem, if I hadn't left when I did, I would have died. I'd hoped you would come see me in Nairobi, but you never did, so I guess that says it all."

"You weren't there very long."

"6 weeks Kem, I was there for 6 weeks, long enough for you to get on a plane. I am glad you came for the opening, but disappointed that you're leaving right away. I get that Chicago doesn't hold great memories, but you have never even _tried_ to make new ones. We both know its over, we haven't been together for almost a year now. We barely talk, I feel like you avoid being with me."

"I see him, every time I look at you. I love you so much, but it hurts to look at you."

Carter rubbed his hands over his face. "I don't want to cause you any more pain. I want a divorce Kem. This isn't working, it hasn't for a long time. You're not happy, I'm not happy, and I'm done, I can't do this anymore."

Carter knew this was the right thing, without a doubt, his marriage was dead. It hurt, she didn't have time for him, it had been a long time since she made time for him. Even now, she was only giving him a bare few minutes before she dashed off to the airport.

"John, surely you don't mean it." Her voice shook slightly.

"I do mean it. There is _nothing_ left Kem, I can't go back to Africa. You don't want to be here. You don't want me in Paris with you. You stopped loving me a long time ago, just admit it."

"I'll always love you, John. I just need time. I see you and I think of our son, wonder if he'd have your eyes."

"And how is time going to help? It's been years since we lost Joshua, and you won't even think about having another child. You left me right after he died, left me alone, pushed me away. I gave you time, and you said you still loved me and wanted to try. But you haven't tried. Not really. I can't live like this, Kem. I will always love you too, but our time together is done. There's nothing left except what could have been and regrets."

"John. Please don't. This can't be the end."

Carter met her eyes. "Kem. How are things going to change? If you don't want this to end, what is going to be different? Are you going to be able to come and spend time with me here in Chicago?"

"Don't ask me to do that. You know I can't."

"So then we are going to live together in Paris?"

"John, my clinic is in Kinshasa, you know that. I have to live there."

"And I can't Kem. Don't you get that? I can never live there again, it would kill me. Literally. You want it all your way, I gave up _everything_ for you. I left my life and job here, and it seemed to work for a while, but in the past while we have spent barely any time together. You didn't visit me in Nairobi, you didn't visit me here, I was really ill Kem, but you couldn't even take the time to call me. We haven't had a real marriage in a long time, we haven't been together for what, a year now? I know you're seeing Michel. You spend more time with him than with me. You should go back to Paris and be with him."

"Oh John, I never wanted to hurt you. And I know you've done the same, I heard about you and her, John, though I don't blame you, I really don't."

"You're right, after I found out, I started something. It hurt, what you did, I loved you and you went to him for comfort. We are both at fault, but you were never there, and I needed someone, and I can't be sorry about it. Not when I know you were with Michel. I feel like it is time for us to both move on. We tried, but it's over. What do you want?"

"My husband to come home with me to Africa."

"No you don't, not really. If you did, we would be together now. I would not have been spending all my time in Darfur while you spent all your time in Paris. You can't be here, I can't be there. And what would be the point, it hasn't worked in the past four years, nothing would change. Both of us living our separate lives while pretending to have a marriage? I want more than that, I always did, but you so obviously don't,or can't, same difference. What do you want in the divorce Kem?"

"Nothing. I want _nothing_ from you. It would be nice if you would continue to support the clinic with the $15,000 per year, and maybe if I could keep the apartment in Paris. Otherwise? I don't want your money John, I never did. I can support myself."

"I know that, Kem, I didn't mean to insinuate you couldn't. You'll be fine without me, you always were. I'll get the papers drawn up, you can have both the apartment and the continued support for your clinic for an additional five years. I just want this to be done."

"Just like that?" She was crying, but at this point, it didn't even matter anymore. She could go back to Michel, he would be there to comfort her, of that he had no doubt.

"Kem, I always loved you, but we live in two different worlds, separate realities. You know how great it was when we met in Kinshasa? How we were together, we came home to each other, supported each other, we were there for each other. Where did that go? Now we are barely ever in the same time zone. When was the last time we made love, or even saw each other? I can't live like this anymore, I don't want to live like this, I _never_ wanted to live like this. And I don't think you do either."

"Are you going to be with _her_?"

"No, this isn't about her, and it really isn't about Michel either. It's about us, we haven't been able to make this work. Move on, go be happy. Tell Fabienne, and I will come out and see her in a couple months."

"So it's over?"

Carter could hear the regret in her voice, but it was far too late. All his hope for them was gone. Time to move on and try to salvage what was left of his life. He wished he'd had the courage to do this earlier, save both of them a lot of heartache.

"We both know it's been over for a long time, now we just need to call it. We made a mistake, after Joshua died, we should have called it right then. But we didn't, we gave it a shot, and it didn't work. Have a safe flight and take care of yourself, Kem. I have to go." Carter stood and pushed back his chair, turning to walk away. He felt a light touch on his arm and turned to find Kem standing behind him.

"John, I am so sorry, I never wanted it to end like this. I really did want us to work, but I know you're right. Be happy, John."

"You too Kem."

They shared a long embrace, Carter knowing he was saying good bye to another chapter in his life, saying good bye to the woman he had hoped at one time he would be with forever.

He walked for a long time along the shore, not wanting to go back to his empty apartment and his empty life. He stopped at the place where he and Kem had said good bye to Joshua, where they had scattered his ashes. He looked down at his left hand and slid off the gold wedding band then tossed it into the lake to join the ashes of his beloved son. Dead child, dead marriage, it was kind of fitting. He finally returned home, crawling into bed, exhausted. He was sad, sure, but he also felt a great sense of relief. It was done and he felt a great weight lift off his shoulders, he was home for good.


	4. For the Good Times

Susan stretched and then snuggled back down in the bed. She had a full day in Chicago, she'd originally thought she might do a bit of shopping while she was here. Now she was thinking about other plans, maybe trying to get hold of Carter, get him to go out with her. She could do her shopping tomorrow before she got on the train to go home.

Des Moines was not a shopping mecca, that was for certain, she did kind of miss being in a bigger city. But, she could get done what needed doing if she got up early tomorrow morning. Right now, it seemed more important to reconnect with her friend. Something was going on in his life, and she wanted to be there for him if he needed to talk. If he was anything like her, most of his friends had moved on. Certainly everyone he was close to at County had left, and he hadn't lived in Chicago for a while now, so she doubted he had a strong support system. Except for maybe Peter Benton...yes, she was sure Peter was keeping in touch with Carter.

She crawled out of bed and into the shower, turning on the spray full volume. Her mind wandered back to last night.

Everyone seemed pretty happy, except maybe Carter. Kerry had her new wife and Henry, Peter had Cleo and Reese, Elizabeth had Rachel and Ella, Susan had Cosmo. Sure her life was not stellar, but she was grateful for her son.

Susan had noted he seemed very surprised to see Kem walk in and he talked very little about her. It became apparent that they'd never had children, and something was off in the relationship. Last night Carter wasn't at all in a hurry to go home which he should have been since his beautiful wife had flown all the way from Paris. Meaning she wasn't staying with him, he obviously hadn't even known she was coming. Yup, something was definitely wrong with that relationship, and it accounted for the undertone of sadness she could feel when she was near him.

He'd caught her staring at him, and at one point winked at her, which almost made her socks melt. The attraction was definitely there, oh why had she ever given him up when she could have had him? She turned the spray down a bit, she was just needing some good sex, that must be it. And he was married, even if not happily at the moment, she needed to get the thoughts out of her head.

Susan fell back into her musings and knew, there were never truer words, money isn't everything. It never made John Carter happy, she could tell, he was not truly happy.

When he had thrown out the invite to go to County afterwards she had accepted readily. It was fun to see some of the staff who were there before. Abby and Luka were noticeably absent, and she knew they had moved to Boston, and had a son, Joe. Susan occasionally heard bits from Chuney and Haleh, so she knew that it was not all rosy in the Kovac household. Carter had a narrow escape, she wasn't sure of all the reasons why he hadn't married Abby, but she was glad he didn't, that girl was bad news.

That must have been difficult for Carter, knowing Abby and Luka married, but then again, he was surely long over Abby Lockhart. In fact she was certain he was, he barely gave her a second glance, even after Kem went back to Africa.

He had chosen to get involved with Wendall instead, a far better choice anyway. Wendall was such a great match for Carter, it was too bad he let his unresolved feelings for Kem get in the way. He had a habit of doing that, to his detriment, letting feelings for one woman get in the way of the relationship he was currently in. Susan had always thought Wendall would have made a great wife for Carter, but it ended badly, with Wendall being very upset.

Susan dressed and found a small cafe nearby for breakfast, then she made the call.

"Hello." His voice seemed a little unfocused.

"John?"

"Uh, Susan?" I could hear the recognition in his voice.

"Yes, sorry did I wake you up?"

"That's okay, it was a bit of a late one last night, but I should be getting up anyways. I got caught in the ER vortex. How are you?" His voice warmed up as he brushed off the sleep.

"Good. I was wondering if you might want to meet for lunch or something? I'm in Chicago until tomorrow afternoon, I'd love to catch up. I know we talked a bit yesterday, but you know there is a lot we won't say in front of Weaver."

This got a laugh out of him. "You've got that right. I like Kerry, but you and I, we've a known each other a lot longer. Hey, we almost, sort of, dated."

"We kind of did date, at least we spent a lot of time together. So, what do you say? Lunch?"

"Yes, for sure. Where did you want to meet and what time? I could pick you up at your hotel?"

"That would be good. Maybe around 1? I was going to do a bit of shopping and maybe take a walk along the lake."

"Okay. I will see you soon."

Susan put down the phone, very happy she called. Carter seemed pleased to hear from her. She glance at her watch and realized she didn't have a huge amount of time, but that was okay. She would rather spend time with John than go shopping anyways. She truly missed hanging out with him, he was a lot of fun, and a good friend, easy to talk to, the list went on.

She checked how she looked, and she was pleased. She was casually dressed, but dressy casual so she would not be embarrassed to be seen with Carter or rather, have him be embarrassed to be seen with her. Not that he was like that, he was not a snob by any stretch. But, he dressed well, then again, he was a multi-millionaire, so he could afford nice things. She noticed he was back to dressing incredibly well in nice suits., there was a point in time when he dated Abby and also when he got back from Africa he went very casual with his clothing. She preferred it when he dressed up, he looked so great in a suit.

She noted it was almost 1 and she hadn't even left the suite. Oh well.

She heard the knock on her door at 12:55, and knew it was Carter. He was always on time, even when they 'dated'. She suspected the part where they never actually developed a physical relationship would make Carter say they'd only sort of dated. She guessed that was true, she never went out with a guy for that long without having sex with him, and she was pretty sure she was the only woman he'd ever seen that long with no sex involved. She opened the door and felt a bit overwhelmed, he look delicious and he held out a cup for her.

"Coffee?" He was dressed well, dress pants and a button up shirt, but no tie, with a light coat. She marvelled at how good he looked.

"Come in." She took the cup, and realized it was ahot fragrant coffee. And she bet it was a latte, fixed exactly like she drank them. "Thank you."

"I desperately needed a coffee, so I picked one up for you too. I hope you still like your latte, extra hot, extra shot, with a sprinkle of chocolate and a bit of sugar?"

"You remembered, and yes. Thank you, John." She put her coffee down and gave him a proper hug and a kiss. "Are you starving, or did you want to go for a bit of a walk by the lake while we have our coffee?"

Carter was surprised by her warmth, and he hugged her back, and returned the kiss. "I think we could manage a walk first, I really need my coffee. It was a brutal night at the ER after you left, there was some big explosion and we got quite a few major traumas."

Susan grabbed her shoulder bag and put it across her body so she could carry her coffee, then picked up her card key. "Let's go."

They chatted about the night before, how great it was to see everyone, as they wandered along the path, sipping their coffee.

"Oh I needed this latte, so much better than they ever had at the roach coach. Where did you get this?"

"There is a really great little coffee shop just down the street from your hotel. I stopped there, they probably have the best coffee in town. I avoid the roach coach as much as possible, the coffee is even worse now than it was back then, if that is even possible."

"I don't know, John, it was pretty bad, so it is tough to imagine it being worse."

"Ready for lunch?" Carter dropped his empty cup in a bin, and Susan nodded, taking the last swig of her latte and following suit.

They ended up a very nice but casual restaurant, they both ordered before Carter dove in, he wanted to hear some real details on what was going on in her life.

"So, how are things in Iowa?" Carter sipped his water and gave her a smile, which relaxed Susan immensely.

"Well, okay. Work is going great, I am kind of the boss now, and I have tenure, which is great. My personal life is not quite so good, you know that Chuck and I are divorced and I'm dating again."

"You mentioned that last night. What happened? You seemed so happy. If it's not too nosy of me."

"Since when did you care about being nosy."

Carter shrugged, he knew it was true, when it comes to asking Susan about her life, he was pretty direct. But then again, she was a straight shooter as well, and they were good friends. "I guess I don't, but I really am interested in what is going on in your life, I've missed you, you know."

Susan nodded. "I missed you too, John. I was really touched to get the invitation, happy you haven't forgotten me. The place is amazing by the way. So, my life. Age old story, man meets woman, man marries woman, man cheats on woman and leaves her for woman 10 years younger and has baby with new woman. I guess it was my fault too, the job kind of takes over your life, you know what I'm talking about. I was busy trying to get tenure and make our life better, and he was busy finding someone to keep him company."

Carter reached across and took her hand. "I'm sorry, Susan. You two seemed so happy, I was hoping you had more babies and were wildly happy, even though you live in...Iowa. Chuck is a fool, a total idiot, if you don't mind me saying."

Susan smirked as she noted his pause. He truly was a Chicago boy, for all its faults, it was home to him. "In...Iowa? It's not that bad in Des Moines. Though I admit to missing Chicago, just a little bit. And Chuck is an idiot, I wish I had seen it earlier." Susan paused and knew this was the time to throw the question out there. "Kem looked good last night, now are things? You know married life? Where is she? I almost thought you would be spending the day with her."

Susan could tell this was a direct hit, he looked down for a moment, then met her eyes.

"I imagine she is at about 40,000 feet, on her way back to Paris, or Africa about now. I was surprised she even came, she hasn't set foot in Chicago for years. Not since Joshua died."

Susan slid her hand over and took his, giving it a squeeze, noting suddenly that he was _not_ wearing his wedding ring today. She was positive he was yesterday. "John, what is going on? Are you okay?"

"Me? I'm fine. My marriage? Not so fine. It seems I've been married in theory, and soon I'll be divorced in reality, so things are not so great."

"Married in theory?" Susan found this an odd expression, and she had him opening up, she was going to pursue this, find out if he was really okay.

He sighed. "Yeah, at first it was great, we spent some time in Paris, then went back to the Congo. Worked there for a while, but it was difficult. Her mom was still sick, so Kem was spending more time in Paris, sometimes I went with her, but a lot of times I didn't. Soon we were spending more and more time apart, I was in and out of Darfur quite a bit, because I didn't like being in Kinshasa without Kem. I understand she needed to be with her mom, I am not sure how much longer she will be around, but it made our lives tough. She has been living in Paris and Kinshasa still, while of course I have been here for several months. Not exactly conducive to a great marriage."

Susan nodded silently, and hoped he would go on, there was more to this. She kept hold of his hand, wanting to give him some comfort and support.

"When we were together, she was fixated on Joshua. I have tried to let it go, it was a tragedy, but she let it take over. He'd be almost 6 now, we lost him a long time ago, and I was ready to move on, but she wasn't. Then I got really sick and ended up in Nairobi, and I had to come back to the States for medical treatment." He didn't elaborate on this, but Susan made a note to ask him later.

Susan let him continue, watching him closely.

"In short, I can't live in Africa anymore, and I have to be in Chicago for an extended period. Kem refuses to live here, well anywhere in the US really, so that's about it. She says she can't be here, and I can't be there, so there isn't much left to discuss." Carter is relieved to share this with someone, it was hard enough to admit his marriage was over even to himself, but talking about it helped make it real. Gave him a dose of the much needed reality, it was over, another relationship that he could not keep together.

He sounded resigned and Susan's heart ached for him. He'd had loss after loss in his life, this could not be easy for him.

"Wow, John, I'm sorry. Going through a marital breakdown is always difficult."

He shrugged. "Well we didn't have much of a marriage when I was there either. I tried, I told her I would give her as much time as she needed to get over losing our son, but there was a point when I realized that was never going to happen. She thinks about him every day, I wonder if that is all she thinks about. I wish it had all been different too, but..." Carter did not know what else to say, and maybe he didn't need to, Susan would understand.

"Still, I know you loved her, I was thinking you would be in Africa all happy and have a couple kids by now. I'm sorry, it must be tough."

He seemed resigned to his fate. "No, not wildly happy, no kids, that will probably never happen now. I would have loved to have them, but that was something Kem just couldn't give after we lost Joshua. Anyway, I'm fine, in truth it's been over for some time, but it took a while to admit it. You know I will always love her, but I haven't been _in love_ with her for a while. And she isn't _in love_ with me either."

Susan let that sit for a moment.

"So why can't you go back to Africa? Or is that too personal."

"Like you care about getting too personal." He gave her hand a squeeze. "My immune system is suppressed."

Susan raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I haven't shared this with a lot of people, Peter knows, but...I'm on anti -rejection drugs, I had a kidney transplant." Another thing to share, the reality of his life now.

"What?" Susan was surprised at this news. A kidney transplant? He really was pretty ill then.

"I had only one properly functioning kidney after I was stabbed, I had some pretty significant damage, they almost removed it, but it never worked at full capacity after the surgery. In Africa I contracted Schistosomiasis and then Amyloidosis, spent quite a bit of time in the hospital in Nairobi, and when I was well enough I came home and started dialysis at Northwestern. Got myself on the transplant list. I can't risk another infection like that, damaging my new kidney. Sanitation is not great in Africa as you can guess, and being on the anti-rejection drugs, well, I have to be even more careful. I am just not willing to risk it, or go through all of that again. And to be really honest, my marriage is done anyways, so there is no reason for me to rush back to Africa."

"John, I'm sorry, that is definitely life altering. You were lucky to get a new kidney."

"Yes, I ended up in the hospital here, at Northwestern, at the top of the UNOS list, so I was lucky, very, very, lucky, because they found me a kidney in Seattle. Or very unlucky, for being stabbed years ago and then getting an infection that destroyed my last functioning kidney. But hey, I'm still here." He gave another shrug.

"Still looking on the bright side."

Susan knew, he was actually a very positive person, an eternal optimist, which was a great thing considering everything he'd been through in his life, he just kept going.

"I suppose, I have gotten through everything else in my life, why give up now. If I take care of myself my new kidney could last a long time. I don't take things for granted, I haven't for a long time. I know I am lucky to have lived through everything I have. Being stabbed, being shot at, having a gun held to my head, living in a war zone and of course, having my only working kidney destroyed by an infection that almost killed me."

"Maybe you have a horseshoe or something. Or a guardian angel."

"Perhaps. I don't know how I deserved to get through everything, when so many other people don't, but I'm grateful I survived. If I had a guardian angel, then they have not done a great job, life has not been easy. Not that I should complain, I got sick and was able to come home and get treatment. If I was African I would have just died within a few days of getting sick. I think I just had some good friends with me in Darfur that recognized how serious it was and got me out quickly."

"You were in Darfur when you got sick?"

"Yes, but they airlifted me out. That is how you get in and out of the camps, helicopter. So they took me into Khartoum and then to Nairobi, or so I understand. I don't remember much, I was kind of out of it."

"I think you lived through all of it because you are such a good person, and you done some great things. You became a doctor and helped so many. It's a Karma thing, at some point things have to turn around."

He smiled faintly, she wasn't sure he was buying it. "Thanks Susan, there is that, I guess. My personal life sucks and always has, but I still have my career and the Center will be ready to open pretty soon. I've been picking up shifts at County to keep my skills up and when the Center officially opens I'll be working there. I haven't always been so good, though, I have my share of flaws. You know that all too well, I'm sure."

"Ah, we all have our flaws, Carter. I'm not perfect, and I went through some rough times, though not quite as bad as yours."

"Oh, I know, Susan. I don't know much about your life in the last couple years, but I know you went through some rough spots. We spent a lot of time talking on that rooftop. And when you came back to Chicago from Phoenix, we really got to know each other then."

"Not much to know about my life really. Pretty tame compared to yours."

"Hey, you said you miss Chicago. If you ever want to come back to Chicago, let me know, I bet I can find you a job. It would be nice to have you in the same city again."

"Tempting." Susan let the thought run through her mind, then continued. "Though I have tenure in Iowa, something I am not sure I want to give up."

"Hmmm, well, still, let me know, arrangements might be made. County needs good doctors and there are some salaried positions at the Center that need to be filled. I know the guy in charge." He winked at her. "And I have contacts at pretty much every hospital in town.

Susan grimaced. "County, not sure I want to go back there, lots of memories, both good and bad. And the money would have to be good to tempt me back, if I have to give up tenure. If I had a great offer from anywhere but there, I might consider it."

Susan was truly feeling tempted. Back in Chicago, knowing Carter might be around for a while? Definitely tempting.

"I understand, last place I thought I'd ever be again is County, but think about my other offer. So how's Cosmo?"

"Good, the light of my life. He spends some time with Chuck, but less and less it seems, he has a baby with his new wife. He refused to have another baby with me, but he's all smiles about this one. But, I am so grateful to have Cosmo."

"And so you should." Carter felt the slight ache in his heart, the loss of his son was hard to bear some days, and he was 39 this year, maybe the chance to have a child would never come. He had so wanted to see his son grow up, happy and healthy, but that was never to be.

"I know John, I'm sorry."

"Don't be Susan. Losing a child is a difficult thing, but I am happy for you, I really am. I'm sorry you didn't have more kids though, I bet you are a great mom."

"Thanks John, I do love it. Sometimes I still wish for another one, though it would have to be soon if I was even going to consider it. But it is not likely, no candidates for the role of daddy at the moment."

"So dating is not so good then?"

"That is a bit of an understatement, the dating scene, especially in Des Moines is pretty bleak, let me tell you. Finding good men without a ton of baggage is hard when you get over 40. I am not seeing anyone special, it has all been first dates and that is about it."

Carter nodded. "I have a raft of baggage myself, so I can see that. I can't even begin to think about dating again, you are brave to get out there. Still you are a beautiful, accomplished woman, some guy would be lucky to have you."

"And I bet some girl will swoop in and take you off the market pretty quickly. You are kind of a catch, John."

"I'm not so sure about that. My love life has not been all that wonderful, I don't really have to explain that to you, do I? Any woman in her right mind would never get involved with me, if they had even the faintest clue of all the crap in my past. Now add the fact I am in the middle of a divorce and I have serious health issues to the whole thing, well, I cannot imagine who would want to deal with it."

"The right woman, John. You have a lot to offer the right woman, you can't give up quite yet."

Their lunch arrived, and they ate, trying to keep the conversation a bit lighter. Susan found that he is still much the same, but also different, but in a good way. A whole new maturity level, he has gone through a lot in the past few years, she mused. He cannot help but be a better person, more mature, with a strong sense of self. More confident in himself, though vulnerable in a lot of ways too.

Carter wished he could talk Susan into coming back to Chicago. He really had missed her, he felt like he could talk to her about anything. She was probably one person who really knew him, it would be great to have her around.


	5. Moon River

Carter paid the bill, then they wandered out to the street.

"What are you up to this afternoon?" Susan didn't want to go back to the hotel alone, she was reluctant for this to end. The visit was good for both of them.

Carter shrugged. "Oh, probably catch up on some journals. You?"

"Maybe some shopping, but I could be talked out of it." She gave Carter an enticing smile.

"Or maybe you want some company on your shopping trip?"

"Clothes shopping? Des Moines isn't Chicago when it comes to fashion and I need to pick up a couple sports things for Cosmo.  You don’t want to take me shopping, do you?” Susan hoped he'd say yes, it was more fun to shop with someone and she'd been enjoying his company.

"I buy clothes, and I bet I could be talked into a sporting goods store too. I know what looks good on a beautiful woman."

"I just bet you do. No doubt in my mind, and you know how to get the clothes off of them too.” Susan laughed out loud as he gave her one of his looks, that pretend hurt with the puppy eyes.

"Hey. That was uncalled for." Carter smirked, he couldn't deny he had undressed more than a few women.

"But true. I would love some company, I need to find a dress for a couple upcoming work functions. If you really don’t mind shopping that is. We could do something else."

"Or a compromise, we shop, then we go do something fun." Carter gave her an enticing smile, it would be great to have some company tonight and he bet Susan was going to be eating alone too.

"Deal." Susan was having a terrific time hanging out with Carter, why not extend the time, she didn’t want to sit around her hotel room by herself tonight.

"Okay, what's your budget and what kind of function?"

Susan told him what she was looking for, he nodded then held out his hand.

"Let's go, I know just where you can find that."

Susan gave him a look, then took his warm hand. His touch was so gentle she didn’t want to let go.

"You know where to find reasonably priced formal wear. For women."

"I took dates to all sorts of functions, and a lot of them didn't have tons of money. I know a great store, I bet you'll find something."

“What, you didn’t offer to pay for the dress?” Susan teased.

"Well, not all women feel comfortable having evening wear purchased for them, so no, in most cases, I didn't pay for it. Though at times I did offer, I thought it was fair, they were only buying the dress for the function, but hey, some girls are just not willing to accept it."

"Really. Well, if you'd ever taken me to a big fancy function, I would have let you buy me a dress."  Susan was enjoying holding onto him as they reached his car and he opened the passenger door.

"And I would have bought it for you."

Susan stared at the car for a moment, then let Carter hand her into the soft leather seat and shut her door.  Something she truly loved about the guy, he had superior manners, he was very respectful to women.  Susan wished all guys were as kind and chivalrous, so many forgot that women loved men who did those little touches for them like opening the door.  

Carter slid into the drivers side and turned over the engine. It purred, Susan could not describe it any other way. Carter slid easily out into traffic, both hands engaged with driving and shifting.

"Mid life crisis?"

“What?”  

"The car, John. This is a fancy ride."

He gave her an amused glance before turning back to the road. "I didn't buy it, I inherited it. It was one of the many, many cars my grandparents owned. Most of them are still stored out at the house."

"The mansion? You own that and live in a two bedroom downtown?"

"No, I did own for a while, then I uh...donated it to Northwestern, but they allow me to keep the cars in one of the garages. I sold several, but there are some I cannot part with, like my grandmothers antique Jaguars, remember the silver one she used to drive?  I still have it, along with a red one. This was one of them, my grandfather would never let me drive it, and now, its mine. I love driving it in the summertime, and it pisses off my dad that I drive it, so it's all good." Carter smirked at her.

"Making nice with the family." Susan stared at him. "You owned the mansion for a while and then donated it. That is insane. How much was that place worth?"

"You don't want to know, it was a lot. Anyways, I had enough money to buy the house in town, I never wanted to live at the mansion, it was way too big, we weren't planning to be in Chicago that much, so it seemed better to dispose of it. The inheritance tax would have been brutal, I didn’t even remotely need the money, so I donated it to be a residence for anyone who was in town for extended periods - like medical professionals who were researching or teaching while on Sabbatical, that kind of thing.”

"Wow, so a nice tax break and a good deed combined."

"Yes, exactly. My dad had a total bird about that, but whatever, not like he's in town and needs a house, especially one that big, as far as I know he’s not remarried and at his age I would be surprised if he had any more kids.  I am really glad I did donate it, imagine living in that place by yourself. I did it for a short while after my grandmother died, and no way would I want to have done it long term.” 

"It was a massive house, you would have needed to fill it with children." Susan regretted saying that the moment it was out of her mouth. She could see the sadness go across his face, and she knew it is something he wanted, but didn't have, and now his marriage was over and it may never happen. "I'm sorry, John, that was really thoughtless."

He shook his head slightly. "Don't worry about it, I know you didn't mean anything by it."

Susan reached out and covered his hand. "Still John, that was a really stupid comment." He turned his hand and gave hers a squeeze, letting her know he was okay." "So, your dad didn't love the idea that you got rid of the house?"

"No, bad enough that Gamma left it all to me, but then for me to not want to live there? That bugs him to no end. I barely talk to him now, he is always off somewhere, and he was unhappy about me living in Africa.  We weren’t close before and we are even less so now.  It was fun to ruffle feathers when I took over the foundation. Man, that was like one of the best days ever. Almost as good as making Kerry my bitch."

Susan started to laugh. "Wow, where did that come from, I didn't know you were vindictive. Kind of sexy." She snapped her mouth shut. _Damn, did she just say that out loud?_

Carter laughed and shook his head, though he noted the comment silently. "Karma's a bitch. Kerry was power hungry and it was fun to turn the tables. She and I have a very long and incredibly convoluted relationship, she's not a bad person overall, but she does power trip once in a while. As for Jack, he may be my father, but he was never my dad. He was pretty pissed off at the reading of the will. I wasn't all that happy at the time either, but in hindsight? Chicago is going to have better health care, instead of the Carter's having a private jet."

"Only sometimes? She was always power tripping on me, it is kind of sweet to hear she had to kiss a little ass, she sure made enough people kiss hers. So did you're grandmother not leave stuff to your dad?"

"Aside from a trust account for my dad to live on, nope, nothing. Her house, the whole estate, and control of the Carter fortune all passed to me. Like I said, my grandfather is rolling in his grave about now, he would not approve of how I have spent the money, but too damn bad, they nagged me my whole life to run the damn Foundation. So, I am going to run it my way, I didn’t want any of it, but Gamma forced my hand.”

Susan loved the spirit he was showing, and reached over and ran her fingers down his face.

"You have spent it well in my books."

Carter whipped into a parking spot and looked over at her. "So, you approve do you? You were pretty unhappy when I wrote that cheque initially."

"I got over that a long time ago. Honestly? I know you worked hard to get where you are, and it was unfair of me to be jealous, John. I know you didn't set out to screw me out of tenure, you thought we were both going to get a position. And you deserved it, I realized afterwards that you published a lot of articles that I had no clue about, that you had procured grant money of well over a million dollars, you did the Chief Resident position, and overall you were at County longer than me. It was just hard to see someone I taught as a med student overtake me, and I'm sorry for being such a bitch about it, I took my frustration at Weaver out on you. I regretted that for a long time, and...I'm really sorry, I said some things that were out of line."

"It's okay, Susan, I got over being mad about it long ago too. It irritated me, and I have to admit on some level it hurt that you thought that way, but you know you were right about one thing. I did not want to be there anymore, I was wondering why I was working my ass off when I knew I needed and wanted to be somewhere else. That work would always be there, but a chance at a family and happiness, well, we both know life is too short for those kind of regrets. It didn't work out, but at least I tried, if I hadn't I would have always wondered. I think I am a better person for having spent the time overseas as well, it does give you a whole new perspective on life."

"I'm sure it does, I don't know if I would have had the courage to go there, but what you did was incredibly brave."

"Or incredibly stupid, I know I took some real chances at times, and I was damn lucky because those guys don't mess around. You have to walk a fine line, and it is easy to overstep and get yourself shot. Or worse. I would never recommend that you go over there, it can be brutal, and for a woman, well, I would worry about you."

"Oh the weaker sex? We can't take care of ourselves?"

“I am sure you can, you are not naive, you survived living in Chicago after all.   It is just ugly at times, what happens to women over there and they mostly keep in line as they fear repercussions from the US but you can see the way they look at caucasian women.  Especially beautiful blond women, and fear will only prevent them from acting for so long, look at all the foreigners who died in the Congo.  They lined them up and executed them.

Susan frowned at the comment, though she did note he had referred to ‘beautiful’ more than one in the last 20 minutes.  Did he really think _she_ was beautiful?

"Kem was there all the time, you didn't tell her not to be there."

"No, but first of all, you don't really tell her what to do, she is a law unto herself, she never listens, stubborn does not even begin to describe her. And of course, it’s her country, she’s half Congolese, she’s spent way more time there than I have and knows her way around.  She blends in, dark hair, dark skin, she looks more African than French, you have to admit, even though her mom is whiter than me or you.  She lived there when I met her, not the same as you going over and trying to deal with it. Her dad lived there after her parents divorced, so she visited him as a kid."

“Ah, right, I always think of her as French, she had that lovely accent.“

"Well, she is that too, her mom is French, so Kem spent a lot of time in France as a kids, especially Paris. She was educated partially in France and she also lived in London for part of her childhood and went to school in England. When I left I told Kerry she should reconsider you know, I think they were very misguided to let you leave. You would have 'set the tone', I can see that County is lacking great leadership in the ER, the group that is there now is no where near as strong as those that came through when I worked there, and the the teachers are not as good. Banfield is okay, better than Romano any day."

"Though he met a sad end, and Elizabeth was a bit choked because no one showed up for his memorial service."

"Nobody? Really."

"Nope, not a single person which is a little bit sad."

“But on the other hand I can’t say I would have gone, he was never nice to me that I can recall.”

“He wasn’t nice to anyone, John.  Even Elizabeth, and he liked her and for some reason Elizabeth got to like Romano, I could never figure out why.”

“They got close after Mark died, just friendly, not romantically close or anything, and they worked closely together.  She was a very strong woman, not scared to put him in his place either, and that went a long way in earning his respect.  You know what he used to call me? Drugstore cowboy, like I needed to be reminded that I totally fucked up, and he was incredibly horrible when I was Chief Resident.  I worked my ass off for years and put up with a whole lot of shit to get that job, and sometimes I wonder if I should have just gone to Northwestern when the Attending position was offered to me.  Anyhow, after he lost his arm he was incompetent, there were a few shifts when I was babysitting the med students, the residents and Romano too.”  

“I know, I heard Kerry asked you to babysit him, she mentioned that I should make sure someone each shift kept an eye on him.”

“That was fun, if you like unusual pain and torture.  I remember the day Gamma died and I went in to let Luka and Deb know I was leaving and he was performing this procedure in the ER.  I am surprised County didn’t get sued over that little escapade, but hey, he had two Attending in there with him.  I asked him what he was doing and he asked what it looked like and all I could say was ‘a lawsuit.’  Luka just looked at me like I was out of mind, but he should have had the balls to stop Romano and send the poor patient up to the ER.”

“Elizabeth bitched about that one too, she had to go back in and clean up Romano’s mess on that patient, but we never got sued thankfully.  I had to take his arm one day, he was feeling up the nurses.”

"You're kidding, yeah, never mind, I could totally see that, he was a jerk. I was in Africa when he died, I remember the update letter I got from Luka at Christmas time."

“You and Luka became friends, which was weird, at one point you wanted to kill each other.  He was a bit off the rails for a while, remember when I caught him giving that patient’s mother an overly friendly exam in the supply closet?”

“Uh huh, I remember hearing all about it.”

“How did you two become friends?”

“We had some pretty real experiences those few weeks in the Congo, changes your perspective in a damn hurry."

"Like what?"

"Being shelled and having to amputate a little girls leg with no anesthetic? Hiding in the jungle when the Mai Mai took over the clinic? Having a gun held to your head and watching them execute a patient? Vaccinating 200 kids in one afternoon? For starters. We talked, about a lot of things and we started to understand each other better."

Susan stared at him. "Gun held to your head?"

"We were ready to evacuate and the Mai Mai came into the compound, I thought we were all dead. They forced us all down on our knees, hands behind our heads and took turns on which doctor would have a gun to their head. Nothing like kneeling in the dirt with a handgun pressed up between your eyes for a good dose of reality, I swear the guy left a dent that didn't disappear for a couple days. But, as luck would have it, we had tried to save one of the kids brothers a few days before, I worked on him for quite a long time. The kid recognized me and I swear that is the only thing that saved us from all being very dead. 12 year old kids running around with guns, a bit like the gang wars in Chicago, except scarier."

'Damn, John." Susan did not even want to know any more, it was surprising he was sitting here.  She thought the gang kids were pretty scary at times, she could not imagine facing that in a relatively lawless country like Africa.

Carter slid out and opened Susan's door holding his hand out to help her out of the low sports car.

Susan could feel her fingertips tingle at his touch, he didn’t let her hand go until they reached the store and he opened the door. She felt his hand rest gently on the small of her back and then they were inside.

The sales lady greeted them immediately and Susan felt like a kid in a candy store. There was a huge selection. She told the sales lady what she was looking for and her size, and before she knew it her dressing room was packed with options. What really surprised her was what Carter pulled off the racks like a magic genie. She was impressed.

She supposed she should not be shocked, he knew how to dress himself pretty damn well, and he knew what he liked on a woman. Though how he could tell when it was on a hanger was beyond her.

She started trying stuff on, and he either nodded or shook his head really quickly. Susan had to admit, he was an awesome shopping companion, better than most of her girl friends. She was almost done, when he handed one final choice over the top.

"You need to try this one."

Susan looked at it and smiled slightly. Okay, he had not steered her wrong so far. She slid it on and gasped. It was perfect, a deep jewel tone, it emphasized her bust and her waistline, flowing perfectly in a slim column to the floor.

"I want to see it on you. Come on out Cinderella." Carter was anticipating this one, he had the saleslady take it off the mannequin, he had spotted it on the way in and thought it would be stunning on Susan. And he was not wrong. She took his breath away.

Susan came out and saw Carter's eyes widen a bit, then he grinned and nodded. "Now that's what I'm talking about. You look gorgeous, like it was made for you.”

Susan stared at herself in the mirror and had to admit, it looked really incredible. It was slightly over her budget though. She sighed, then went to get dressed. She had narrowed it down to a couple of choices, but she kept staring at the dress Carter had picked out, wishing she could afford it. The sales lady had given her some undergarments as well, which she needed with these dresses.

She came out and Carter looked a bit disappointed that she didn't have the one he had picked out.

"You didn't like it." He said this quietly, though the sales lady had discreetly backed off as she was choosing.

"I loved it, John. It's just a bit over my budget. If I could afford it, I would buy it, but...I just can’t.  I make decent money, but I have a mortgage and a small child to support.”

"Oh, well, in that case." He picked up the dress. "My treat. You need to have this dress, and maybe I can talk you in to coming out to dinner with me, wearing it."

"No, John, you cannot buy me a dress."

"Why not? You are one of my oldest friends, and if I want to buy you something, why should it be such a big deal. Please?" He gave her one of his most appealing looks, he could still do those adorable puppy dog eyes. Damn he was so infuriating, and sexy at the same time.

"How could I repay you for it?"

"By keeping me company tonight? Do you have other plans? A hot date maybe?" He lifted an eyebrow.

"Seriously."

"Sure, we could go out for dinner, then maybe a nice club or something. How long since you went out and had some fun like that."

"Too long." Susan had to admit it sounded fun, and they had said they were going out after shopping. "Okay, fine. John, thank you." Susan gave him a hug and kiss.

"Great. You are doing me a favour, saving me from a very boring night, eating dinner alone on the couch.  I might have even had to resort to watching reality television.”

He gave her a wink, and Susan remembered the conversation where she admitted she watched reality shows and how much he detested that kind of stuff.

Carter rejoiced inside, this was money well spent, getting her to go out for a nice dinner, having her company for a few more hours. He needed to get out and have a real life too, he was ready. Sure he had been out in Paris a few times and he’d travelled Europe a bit, but most of his almost 4 years in Africa were in very rough conditions.

He ferried her back to her hotel and she freshened up and changed, then they went back to his apartment so he could dress. He had made a phone call while she was getting ready, making reservations at a very upscale restaurant, calling in a favour to get them in at such short notice.

Susan had to smile when he came out in a very expensive and well cut suit.

"Well, Dr. Carter, you look great in that suit."

"And you look stunning in that dress."

She felt a little bit like a princess when they arrived at the restaurant, the valet opened her door and then Carter was there holding out his hand for her. He took his valet ticket, escorting her into the restaurant with his hand placed gently on her back. She could feel the warmth of his hand and her skin tingled a bit, that attraction was still there.

"Good evening Dr. Carter. Right this way."

Susan was startled, he didn’t even introduce himself, they just knew who he was and they didn’t even have to wait for their table. Carter just smiled.

"Thank you Drew."

They were escorted immediately to their table, a prime table, well located and he pulled out her chair for her and got her seated before sitting himself. Susan had to admit she was loving the attention, he had superior manners, men rarely were so chivalrous these days. But then she noted that the restaurant was very fancy, and of course, Carter was used to this lifestyle.

Carter watched Susan, closely. He had never taken her out like this when they dated and he probably should have. She was obviously enjoying it. But back then he didn't go out like this often, now, he liked to enjoy some of the finer things. Life in Darfur had been rough and stark, with few frills and he needed to get back into real life and take the enjoyment when he could.

"Come here often?" Susan smiled across at him.

"Not really, but I know Drew. He used to work at another restaurant my grandmother loved, so he knows me really well. That is the only reason we got in here, they hold back a couple tables, but generally it's 6 months for a reservation.

"Six months? The food must be quite something."

"It is amazing. They have one of the best chefs in Chicago working here, he might even be the best in town. Would you like a drink to start?"

"Wine?"

"Absolutely, red or white?"

"Surprise me."

The waiter came back and filled their water glasses, then Carter had a conversation with him and ordered a bottle of red wine. He knew a bit about wine, but he trusted the judgement of the waiters here, and all the wine was pretty good.

Susan was having fun watching Carter. He was so comfortable, and he didn't even blink when he was asked to taste the wine, which he did, then he handed over the glass and asked Susan to try it.

She took a sip and nodded, it was incredibly good. Carter took back his glass and the waiter poured then left the wine in a stand by the table. They viewed the menu, Carter suggested some appetizers to share, which they ordered before choosing entrees.

Susan looked down the menu and was amazed, everything looked so good, though she noticed there were no prices on her menu. Must be really expensive if there were no prices, but, Carter had chosen the restaurant, so he must know that it was expensive. She decided to go crazy and try something totally new. She chose, then Carter ordered for them, he chose something totally different for himself.

"That sounds so good, I almost wish I had ordered that." She smiled at him.  “I was torn, so many things to try.

“Well, good thing I ordered it, you can have some of mine. I am very good at sharing."

Susan could not believe how much fun it was to just sit and talk to Carter. He truly was amazing. He told her some stories about the Congo and Darfur, trying to keep it light, mainly stories about some the very interesting people he had met while volunteering. He didn't want get into the darker stuff over dinner, that would be for another time.

"I would love to hear more about your time in Africa."

"How about we do that when we are not about to eat dinner. I want you to enjoy the food, most of my stories are not great dinner conversation."

"Oh, right. I suppose not."

"Tell me more about your life in Des Moines."

They got talking about other things, Susan shared some of her more entertaining blind dates, stories about work and about Cosmo. She felt very relaxed and the food was incredible, decadent even. True to his word, Carter offered her bites and tastes of his dinner, and Susan shared some of hers. The wine flowed, at least for her. She noticed Carter only had the one glass, but then he was driving as he pointed out when she mentioned it.

They finished up with coffee and dessert, which was rich and delicious. Again they both ordered different choices, and shared. By the time they were done, Susan was very relaxed and found she'd had a great time. Carter was happy with how the evening had turned out as well.

They went to a jazz club with live music and they danced, Susan amazed that Carter was actually a very good dancer. At first she was nervous.

“I don't know any of these dances!"

"Follow my lead, you will be fine." He was smooth and elegant on the floor. She could barely connect him with the nervous med student she knew at one time. He couldn’t do yoga either, but the man could dance and soon had her dancing too, he knew how to lead.  It surprised her just how well he knew how to dance.

“I didn’t know you were such an accomplished dancer, and I love this music.”

“Me too, jazz is actually something I love, my grandparents had this massive collection of records and I love listening to them.  Especially some of the older stuff.”

“Mmm, this one is nice.”  Susan leaned into him, listening to the soft strains of music.  “I’ve heard this one before.”

“Almost everyone has heard Moon River in some versus or other.”   John wrapped his arm around her waist a little tighter.

Susan was feeling an incredible attraction, a pull towards him, she let him hold her close.  Even when they were sitting she felt drawn and moved in closer as they talked and laughed.  She knew where she wanted this to end up, but she was nervous about crossing the line with him, not knowing how he was feeling about her.

So she drank a little more than she should, that she knew, especially when Carter cut her off.  He had noticed she was hitting the drinks hard, she was a petite woman, and he was wondering how she was still standing.  He noticed she was more than a little tipsy, but maybe not soon enough, though he did not point it out other than to suggest maybe she’d had enough.  He didn’t want them to end up in the ER getting her stomach pumped, not a very romantic end to the evening.

They finally left the club, Carter keeping his arm around her protectively, she seemed a bit unstable on her feet.  They stepped out, the cool wind whipping around them, and he could feel Susan shivering a bit and she had only a light wrap around her shoulders.

“You’re cold.”  He rubbed her arm, then shrugged out of his jacket, wrapping it around her shoulders, drawing it closed at the front.

Susan slid her arms into the sleeves and cuddled up to him while they were waiting for the valet to bring the car.

“Thank you.“ It was still warm from his body heat, and she caught the faint whiff of his cologne, it made her feel even more attracted to him. If they'd had dates like this before, for sure she would have slept with him.

"You're welcome." Carter opened her door and got her settled, helping her with her seat belt, and she realized she was more than a bit drunk.

“I left my card key at your place.”  Susan dug ineffectively in her purse, knowing she would not find it.

"That's fine, why don't you come in and you can sober up a bit, then I'll take you back to the hotel."

Susan nodded and tipped her head back, then suddenly realized they were pulling into the secure parking garage under his building. Did she fall asleep on the drive home? He parked the car and helped her out. She was very wobbly at this point and feeling a bit embarrassed. She stumbled, twisting her ankle and almost falling, but Carter caught her and scooped her up in his arms.

"A few too many, baby?" He held her securely against her chest, carrying her towards the entrance. Susan wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her head against him, man he smelled so good. Did he call her baby?

"I think I'm drunk." She admitted in a soft voice.

He just laughed softly, setting her down gently as he unlocked his door, then playfully throwing her over his shoulder to carry her inside.

"John!" She squealed, feeling very inelegant, but laughing too.

He dumped her onto the couch, then knelt down in front of her, removing each shoe and checking her ankles.

"Does that hurt?" She could feel his gentle palpitations on each foot, then up her ankle.

"You have such a gentle touch."

"All those years of surgical training I guess." Carter rubbed her feet. "I don't think you did any damage."

"No, but I am not sure I would feel it if it did." She mumbled, she felt silly, she really had way too much to drink.  So much for a romantic ending to the evening, at this rate she would probably end up throwing up on the poor guy.

"I can put on some coffee if you like?"

"Or some tea?"

"Sure, just sit back and relax." Carter moved into the kitchen putting the kettle on to boil, and pulling out some cups. When he turned, Susan was gone off the couch. He figured she was in the bathroom, and he heard water running.

Susan had watched him for a few moments in the kitchen, then wandered off to find the bathroom, finding the master bedroom.  This really was a very nice apartment, two bedrooms, two full bathrooms.  She walked through the bedroom, finding the en suite, a large elegant room with a massive tile and glass shower, large tub and double sinks.

She flushed, washing her hands before checking out the cabinets, snooping through but not finding anything much of interest, nothing out of the ordinary anyways, but then she had been in his apartment when they were seeing each other before. She freshened up and took a deep breath, she was just going to see what he would do if she made a move.

She checked out the king sized bed, as she went back through, the place was perfectly tidy, not a thing out of place, typical Carter though, she had always found his place clean, and she knew he probably had someone come in, a housekeeper or a maid.  He always had.

Carter heard her come into the kitchen behind him and felt her arms wrap around him. She was leaning against his back, he rubbed her hands, then turned towards her. Susan immediately wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled his head down for a kiss.

He kissed her back at first, until she dropped her dress and started to work at the buttons on his shirt. Carter was extremely attracted to Susan, but she was too drunk. As much as he wanted her, he could not take advantage of her being in this condition, he was worried that it was all about the alcohol.

Carter pulled back as Susan unhooked her bra, and slid it off, then stepped towards him again, her hands on his belt. He gently grasped her hands, stopping her from undoing his pants.

"Susan, as much as I'd like to, you are way too drunk. Why don't we get you into bed."

"That is what I am trying to do, helping you get me into bed. You need all these clothes off."

"Sweetie, no, I am not doing this with you drunk." He gave her a gentle kiss then disengaged himself.

Susan felt acute disappointment and a bit rejected. He slid off his shirt and offered it to her, she put her arms into the sleeves and he buttoned it up for her. He led her over to the couch and tucked her under a large soft blanket.

Susan pouted a bit while he went back to the kitchen and finished making her tea, then snuggled down under the blanket, enjoying the soft fabric of his shirt, the smell of his aftershave clinging to it.

He also took a few deep breaths, it was not easy to turn her down, she was gorgeous, and he had not been doing a lot of dating lately.

"Why are you being so good to me?"

"You're my friend Susan, you always will be." He put down a coaster and her hot cup of tea. "Careful, don't burn yourself."

He went into his room and changed, not wanting to sit shirtless, feeling a bit chilled, putting on a t-shirt and some sleep pants then came back to sit with her, sipping from his own cup.

Susan had a sip of the tea then moved close to him, kissing him again.

"You are making this really tough, Susan, but I can't, you need to sober up." He brushed her hair back from her face gently, then let her curl up against him. As long as she was not making advances, he was fine with it, but he didn't want anything to happen with her after she'd had so much to drink.

"You don't think I'm attractive, you don't want me." Susan whispered.

"Oh baby, you're so wrong. You are a beautiful woman, I find you incredibly attractive, but, nothing can happen because you are not thinking properly, it's the alcohol talking right now."

"Really. You never wanted to have sex when we were dating either."

"That is totally not true. _You_ didn't want to have sex when we were dating."

"No, I did, I just knew you were hung up on someone else. But now, you're not, are you?"

"No, I'm not hung up on anyone else. I am...very much single at the moment."

"So we should make a pact, if we are still single in a year, we should get together."

"Um, okay. Why are we waiting a year?" He tried not to smile at her drunken rambling.

"Oh, I don't know. I'd say we should get together now, but you probably want to try dating other people first." Susan was just chattering away, and Carter was finding it interesting, she was not guarding her words, at all. "Besides I want to have a baby. You wouldn't want to have a baby."

"Sure I would, I'd still love to have kids."

"You would? I think you'd make a great dad. You and I should have a baby, they'd be really cute."

"We should?"

"Yeah, we should. You probably think I'm crazy, asking you to have a baby with me. I have wanted another baby for a long time, but first work got in the way, then Chuck cheated and now I just cannot meet any great guys. Except for you, you come back in my life now and I think we would be really good together. We should date and make a baby, but I bet you wouldn't want to."

"I think you might be surprised, maybe you should think about it and ask me when you're sober."

"You would want to make a baby with me?" Susan snuggled closer to Carter. "I bet our baby would be beautiful."

"I just bet they would." Carter was surprised at the words coming out of her mouth. A baby? With Susan? That would not be such a bad thing, but she was drunk, this was alcohol talking.

"I'm tired, can I stay here tonight?"

"Yes, you can stay."

"If I behave, will you come to bed? Please don't make me sleep alone, I'll be good I promise." Susan wouldn't let go of his hand. "Please?"

"Okay, I won't make you sleep alone."

Carter noted she was fading fast, so he scooped her up and took her into his room, tucking her into his king sized bed. He locked the door and turned out the lights, then Carter slid into his side of the bed. Susan curled up against him but she didn't make any further moves, she just sighed softly and seemed to drift off to sleep.

It had not been easy to turn her down, but he was not going to have sex with her under these circumstances. If he made love to her, he wanted her to be willing and making the decision.

If he was drunk too, it probably would have happened...nope, no probably about it, they would have had sex, no question, but he was stone cold sober. He hadn't been drunk in forever, he drank a bit in Africa, but not much and now he would not jeopardize his health by drinking. Not that he minded Susan having a few drinks, he was taking care of her, though he should have cut her off sooner.

But he was sensitive to the drinking issue. Towards the end of his relationship with Abby, she had been drinking more and more, and at times she threw herself at him, but he just could not do it, making love to her when she was that drunk had no appeal to him. The drinking was taking its toll on their relationship, and he started refusing her advances if he thought she was drunk. Abby was dark and moody, and even harder to talk to when she was drinking regularly and he did not like her at those times.  Susan was a fun and happy drunk in comparison.

It pissed Abby off, but whatever. She was a long closed book in his life, his narrow escape still amazed him, they were definitely NOT made for each other.

Susan however, she was a totally different person. Sure, he knew she would go out on occasion and get drunk. Deb had shared a few stories about girls night, but he was pretty sure Susan was not an alcoholic. His reasons for not taking her to bed tonight when she was drunk, well, they were much different. He would make love to Susan in a heartbeat, but if or when he ever did, he wanted her to remember it, to make that decision consciously. Not in a haze from too much alcohol. The worst thing would be for her to wake up in the morning and regret it, that would kill him, for her to regret being with him, or to have her feel like he took advantage of her.

He finally fell asleep, he enjoyed the warmth of another person in bed with him, it had been a while. When he first came home he was too sick to even contemplate trying to date anyone and he was still reeling from his troubles with Kem. He was just recently even recovered enough to even _think_ about having a relationship.

Susan startled awake, a bit disoriented in the dark room, realizing that she had a pillow under her head and she was in bed, and cuddled up to a firm warm body. Whoever it was, she could hear his breath, deep and even, he was fast asleep. Wait, she was out with Carter last night, she was in bed with _him_.

The hazy memories made her blush, she knew she had made a pass at him, which he had turned down. She got up quietly and used the bathroom, gazed at what she was wearing in the mirror. Definitely Carter's, she ran her hands over the soft fabric and remembered him putting it on her after she took off her dress.

Boy, she was a bit forward when she'd had too much to drink. She was pretty sure they hadn't had sex, nope she would remember, she'd had too many drinks, but she would remember making love with him, of that she was sure. Susan had been a bit upset that he wouldn't, then they had talked, followed by him tucking her into bed. He didn't take advantage of the fact she was obviously drunk, and she was grateful for that, though disappointed at the same time.

She stepped back out of the bathroom and Carter was still totally out, his breathing soft and even, head buried in his pillow. Susan had seen him asleep before, quite a number of times, but not in his own bed. She slid back under the covers, the sheets felt crisp and cool. She fluffed the pillow and tried to sleep, but she couldn't. Honestly, part way through the night, she had started to think about ending up in bed with him, but this is not quite what she had in mind. She pictured something a bit hotter, maybe some wild uninhibited sex.

What _was_ he like, she wondered? He had slept with quite a few women she knew, but of course they'd never said anything to her about their sex life. Of course not, why would they? Aside from Abby, she hadn't been that close to any of his girlfriends over the years, and Abby was not one to talk about her relationships, she didn't say much about her and Carter aside from the complaining when he went to Africa.

She could smell him on the sheets and the shirt she was wearing, that familiar spicy warm scent that she loved, and was starting to feel a bit aroused. She rolled carefully and looked over at him in the half dark room. It took her a few moments to summon up the courage to act on what she was thinking but she finally reached out to him and ran her fingers through his hair.  She risked rejection again, but...she really wanted to find out if the attraction was mutual.

We never slept together, she thought, but I did let him kiss me, and the guy really can kiss.   I loved to play with his hair. She rested her hand on the nape of his neck and observed him for a long moment. His lips slightly parted, a stray bit of hair across his forehead, he looked...sexy, and she wanted to touch him. She wanted him to make love to her, with her.

Susan ran her fingertips down his cheek and her thumb across his lips, then kissed him. Very softly, very tenderly, and just briefly. She pulled back for a second, then kissed him again, a little more firmly, but still gently. She played with his hair, and gave him more soft kisses, inhaling and enjoying how he smelled, warm, and masculine.

Susan felt his hand stroke her hair, and pulled back slightly, opening her eyes. He was awake, his deep brown eyes surprisingly alert for being woken up from a deep sleep. But then again, he had years of practice of waking up quickly at work. Susan felt his fingertips run down her cheek as he kissed her back gently.

"You're awake." His voice was soft.

Susan nodded. "Yes. Sorry, I got a little drunk didn't I?"

"That's okay, I was watching out for you. Hopefully you had some fun, you definitely let loose a bit."

“It has been a while since I have gone out like that, I’m a little embarrassed, doing that on our date.  Not very romantic, having you pour the drunk woman into bed.“

"Don't worry about it. You seem a lot more sober now."  John noted she called it a date and the comment about it not being romantic.  It was a good sign to him, she was not thinking of him as just a friend, and he had woken up to her kissing him.

"I am, a bit of sleep helped. Did we...we didn't did we?"

"What? Have sex?"

Susan nodded.

"No, we didn't, you just didn't want to sleep alone."

"I wanted to have sex though. Why didn't we?"

"I have a policy against sleeping with very drunk women when I am completely sober. Especially ones I care about. I would never want you to do something you might regret in the morning."

Susan nodded, he really was a sweet guy, most guys would not have hesitated. In fact she'd had drunken sex on occasion and regretted it soon afterwards,. She knew last night she was trying to relax her inhibitions, calm her nervousness about wanting to sleep with him and she'd gone too far. She would have regretted drunken sex with Carter too, but only because that is not how she wanted it to be the first time they made love.

"I didn't think so. But I took all my clothes off for you."

"Yeah, but nothing I haven't seen before. Don't worry about it, it was all a blur." He gave her a little grin.

"Right, you saw nothing as I stripped in front of you?"  Susan rolled her eyes.

"Oh, no, I saw quite a lot, and it was all _very_ nice, but, my policy still stands, no sex with really drunk women. I would never take advantage of you like that, Susan."

"Very nice, huh?" Susan's heart was pounding. "So if I took off my clothes now that I am not drunk then... you'd be more inclined?"

His dark eyes studied her for a moment. "Definitely."

She sat up and slowly unbuttoned the shirt she was wearing, his eyes watching her every move.  She slid it off, dropping it off the side of the bed, leaning forward and kissing him again, feeling his lips respond to her. He nuzzled against her neck, giving her soft kisses. She missed these kisses, they always turned her on, but she never let herself lose control, feeling he was in love with someone else. This time, there was no one standing in between them. Just her and him, half naked in his bed.

Susan was going to follow this wherever it led. She ran her fingers through his hair again, and stroked the back of his neck as his lips grazed her collarbone. His hands skimmed down her body, then back up, gentle against her bare skin. She felt him pulling her closer, as he captured her lips, increasing their body contact.

Carter felt her responding to him as they kissed, she was asking him to make love to her, and now she was sober, he was willing to participate. Her arms wrapped around him as their tongues danced against each other. They had been leading up to this all night, she had been flirting with him a good part of the day even.

Susan wanted Carter to make love to her and she was willing deal with the repercussions in the morning. It was starting to get hot, and she knew that it was definitely there, the attraction, no question, her desire rising.

She slid her hands underneath his shirt and up his back, working it upwards, wanting it off of him.

"Susan." A soft whisper against her skin as he inhaled deeply, he wanted to make love to her, he'd been feeling the attraction all day. He nuzzled her neck again, his breath warm, running his lips sensually across her skin.

"Make love with me, John," she whispered back.

Carter removed his shirt, her hands brushing over his skin as they continued to kiss.

His hands grazes her body, his fingers lightly skimmed over her breasts, then down over her belly. He trailed his fingers back up, her skin felt soft like silk. He cupped one bare breast, while his mouth engulfed the other breast, sucking and teasing her nipples. His thumbs swept across her nipples, bringing them to stiff peaks, then he took them into his mouth again alternating between them.

Susan ran fingers down his smooth back, so warm and wonderful under her touch, marvelling at how good this felt.  She ran her hand down his stomach, rubbing him through his pants, he was already aroused, but this seems to make him even harder, and got her a little moan of appreciation.  She slipped it down the front, coming in contact with his warm hardness.

Carter loved her soft hands on him, and let her roll him onto his back as she pulled his pants down his body. Susan dropped them off the side of the bed and decide that while she was there she might as well check things out. She gently grasped him and stroked the soft silky skin, as Carter moaned softly at what she was doing to him.  She smiled slightly, not at all disappointed with her discovery, he was nicely endowed, something she had never had a chance to find out, even last night he didn't let her get so far as touching him.

John had wanted her for a long time and she was here with him now. It felt like forever since a woman had touched him like this, it was going to take every ounce of his effort to make it last.  She was beautiful, even last night he’d had a hard time keeping himself in check, now she was taking the lead, and she was no longer drunk.

Susan took the tip of him in her mouth, swirling her tongue around and across him. She licked, sucked and nibbled, alternating with stroking him, her other hand cupping and caressing him, feeling his fingers run across her hair coming to rest on the back of her head.

"That feels so good." He said softly, his touch so gentle, letting her stay in control of what she was doing.

Susan took him fully into her mouth, enjoying his intake of breath and soft moan as she did. His hips moved up towards her involuntarily, he controlled himself quickly, not wanting to thrust in too deep.

 _"Oh Susan."_ He could barely speak, Carter was concentrating deeply, what she was doing felt so damn good, but he didn't want it to be over this soon. He wanted to be inside her, make love to her.

Susan felt the same way, she was ready for him, she wanted to pleasure him, but she also wanted more. She kissed her way up, across his stomach and chest, brushing his skin with her hands and lips, taking his face between her hands and kissing him deeply.

Carter flipped them so Susan was now on her back, and worked down her body, kissing and stroking her velvety skin. He could feel her quivering with desire by the time he removed the skimpy thong panties she was wearing.

"Beautiful." He murmured, dropping kisses on her belly, her hips, her smooth thighs.

One word, one word that made Susan flush, but she could tell he meant it, it's in his voice. Susan had worked hard to get back into shape the past couple years and he made her feel good with those words. No one had complimented her on how she looked naked in a very long time.

John could smell the scent of her arousal as he kissed her, taking a moment to taste her sweetness.

“ _Oh John, I need you_.”  Susan moaned as she arched up towards the warmth of his mouth, sliding her fingers into his hair, grasping and pulling upwards gently, encouraging him to move up her body. 

The warmth as his body covered hers as he kissed and stroked every inch of her bare skin on his way up. She was burning with desire and pulled him towards her lifting up her leg to wrap around his hips, encouraging him to enter her. Susan needed him so badly, she couldn’t wait, didn’t want to wait.  She moved her hips against him, causing him to groan as his stiff member came in contact with her very wet centre.

Carter stopped and took a deep breath, reaching out towards the nightstand for a condom.

"Don't." Susan stayed his hand, she trusted him, and wanted him inside her.

"You're sure?" His desire for her was overwhelming, but this needed to be a conscious decision for both of them.

Her emerald green eyes were hazy as she gazed up at him, her lids half lowered, lips parted softly, she looked so sexy and amazing. Susan simply showed him, pushing her hips up and welcoming him inside her as he thrust gently with his hips.

Carter heard her moan as he eased into her, pausing briefly as he felt her body tighten around him. He had to take a long deep breath, trying his best not to explode the minute he was engulfed in her slick heat.  He gazed down at the rapture on her face as he started long slow strokes, listening to Susan utter a soft sound with every inward thrust. He hooked an arm under her other leg and brought it up, allowing the sensations to build.

Susan rose to meet each stroke, letting him set the pace. She loved how he increased and decreased the intensity of their lovemaking, letting the sensations ebb and flow until Susan could feel herself tipping over the edge. She let out a soft cry as it overtook her, coming right up from her toes.

“ _Oh god John_.”  Susan clung to him, feeling his warm breath on her neck as he inhaled deeply and let out a long breath.

Carter pushed in and stilled, letting Susan enjoy her climax, and enjoying the feel of her muscles clenching around him, the rush of wetness, the sexy little sounds she made. He breathed deeply to control his need, wanting this to last a bit longer. Once she stopped gasping for air, he resumed, rocking gently against her until she started to push him over onto his back.

Susan was amazed at his control, she thought for sure it was over, but he started to move against her again.  She wrapped her legs so she could roll them, and gently encouraged him onto his back, knowing this could help prolong their lovemaking. He easily followed her cue, helping them over so she was straddling him, while never disengaging from her body. She peered down at him through her half closed eyes, seeing the pleasure and desire etched on his features, as she paused their movements. He was deep inside her as she started circling and rocking her hips, both of their breathing becoming more erratic as she started to lose control, her need taking over.

Susan loved that he was letting her have all the control, seemed to know what she needed from him. This was so fucking incredible, she thought he must be close too, she moved her hips quicker, seeking the pleasure her body was aching to feel again. His hands were stroking up and down her sides, grasping at her hips, pulling her down on him, guiding her movements as she rocked against him.

Carter watched the beautiful sight above him, Susan had her head thrown back slightly as she gyrated her hips, her breathing coming in short gasps. He was so ready, so hard it almost hurt and he knew this was going to be very intense when he finally let go, but not until she came again, he bit his lip, holding back the climax he could feel building.

He moaned as Susan raked her nails gently down his chest, he uttered the sounds softly, hoping she climaxed soon, he was ready to explode.

 _"John, oh!"_ She cried out as her muscles clenched violently around him, clamping around him, causing an explosive and painfully exquisite reaction for Carter. His hips bucked up towards her, he thrust into her, trying to bury himself deeper as he could feel himself throbbing and pulsing. It felt like it went on forever, the intense release as he let go and her body contracting and releasing around him, seeming to milk every drop of his hot fluid as he spilled inside her.

He felt her collapse down on his chest, he caressed her soft skin, holding her to him as they both tried to regain control of both their breathing and quivering bodies.

"Holy shit, that was fucking amazing." Susan let out her breathe out when she could finally talk.  She felt incredibly satisfied, the fact that he had held on as long as he did... letting her have her pleasure not once but twice. She was truly amazed.

"No kidding, that was insane." Carter dropped kisses on her hair, then lifted her face to give her a kiss. "I haven't had sex like that in forever."

"I don't know if I have ever had sex like that." Susan giggled. "I'm impressed, I thought you were going to lose it long before then."

"Oh trust me, I was concentrating with every ounce of my being, it felt incredible, what you were doing, I was ready 10 minutes ago."

"Mmmmm, baby, your control is amazing."

"And you are beautiful." Carter gave her another deep kiss then flipped her onto her back. This took Susan a bit by surprise, but he was stroking and kissing her again.

Carter was not even close to being done with her, if she thought that was great, she might be pleasantly surprised at what he had in store. He was going to show her how incredible it could be.

Susan moaned softly as he slid down her body, his lips creating magic sensations as he traveled across her skin, his hands brushing down her sides and over her hips. Hands continuously in motion, making her feel a gush a wetness between her thighs as she realized he was not finished making love to her.  Not by a long shot.

Susan was in ecstasy as his lips ran across her belly, then down the outside of her thighs, as he worked towards her inner thigh. She couldn't help but open herself to him, he was teasing her, she sighed in pleasure. She was anticipating what he was going to do to her, and she ached for him to touch her, but he didn't, not yet. He continued to explore her body, Susan reached one hand down and rubbed it on the back of his neck and into his hair as his sensual explorations continued. She watched him out of her half closed eyes, letting herself make little noises of appreciation at what he was doing to her.

Carter loved how she was responding, and took his time, not wanting to rush. It was so much better to let her be really ready, begging for him to touch her. He had loved enough women to know exactly how to drive her crazy, he wanted her to never forget their time together. And he honestly loved making love to a beautiful woman, hearing those wonderful little sounds as he coaxed their body into spasms of ecstasy.

 _"Please John, oh please."_ Susan pushed her hips up and grasped his head, moving him closer, pulling him between her legs where she ached to feel his touch. Finally, when Susan didn't think she could wait any longer, his mouth engulfed her causing her to inhale sharply, and let out a long moan of pleasure.

_"Mmmmm, oh, John, yes, oh that feels so damn good."_

What he was doing to her was beyond expectations and so worth the wait. She knew she was gushing wet and her hips lifted towards him of their own accord, her hand sliding through his hair non stop and the other one clutching the sheet as she gasped and writhed under his mouth.

He didn't stop, he could tell he was driving her crazy with his tongue, his fingers, kissing her, stroking her, teasing her. He slid his tongue inside her and she moaned louder. He slid two fingers inside her and sucked her gently.

" _Don't stop, oh, baby."_

Carter loved the feel of her hands in his hair, she was almost guiding him to where she wanted him to be, and he followed her cues. He found the spot that made her writhe the hardest, and concentrated there for a few moments before moving slightly away, then coming back, she was so soft and sweet, he was enjoying himself almost as much as she was.

Susan was totally lost in the sensations, how he would suck and lick her, almost groaning in disappointment when he would move slightly, then rejoicing as he came back and continued his ministrations on _that_ _spot_. He brought her to the edge, then backed off a bit, and then did it again, several times, until he pushed her over the brink.

Susan cried out, her sudden physical release taking her by surprise with its intensity. He didn't stop with what he was doing until she finally relaxed her grip on his head, starting to recover, though her muscles were still pulsing with the aftermath.

She ran her fingers through his hair gently then down his body, pulling him up towards her. Susan wanted him to kiss her, she wanted him to make love to her again.

Carter kissed and stroked his way up her body until he reached her neck, and planted soft kisses there. She grasped his face and kissed him, Susan could taste herself on his lips, mixed with the taste of him and it was so intimate and erotic. Their tongues tangled as they explored each others mouths, and all she could feel was the need to have him possess her, to have him inside her.

Susan's hand worked its way down his smooth chest and belly, to grasp and stroke him as they kissed, she knew he was ready for her again. His hand caressed her inner thigh, and she willingly opened up to him, wrapping her legs around him as he entered her with a long slow thrust. Their bodies' rocked together, so intimately connected, and they let the rest of the world fade away as the waves of pleasure washed across them.

Her body now so sensitive to every touch, every move he made, the pleasure started to roll continuously over her like surf hitting the beach. One would finish, and another one would begin, though no one was a majorly intense, it felt incredible. She started moaning and gasping, unable to stop herself.

Carter could feel her body contracting and releasing around him constantly as he thrust into her over and over. He bit his lip and held back as long as he could, varying his speed and intensity, finally ending up with long and slow strokes that just seemed to drive her even wilder. Finally it became too much, impossible to hold back and he could feel his own climax rise quickly and his movements become uncontrollable, he drove into her hard and fast as her hips bucked against him, her little gasps telling him she was loving the intensity.

 _"Yes, oh, baby, yes!"_ Susan encouraged him as he pounded into her body, loving every second.

Susan clung to him, digging her nails into his back as it all intensified quickly. All she could do at this point was wrap a leg around his hips and throw her head back, she was overwhelmed and ecstatic at how hard he was driving into her, it was so, so good, it all felt so damn _good_.

He let out a low groan as it hit him and he finally came with incredible intensity, pulsing and throbbing, thrusting as deep into her as he could, and he could feel that incredible contraction as she cried out.

Susan almost shouted as the final orgasm struck her, she almost felt like the world stopped for a moment, and she was not quite sure who came first, her or him, or if was pretty much simultaneously. She kept her arms wrapped tight around his slightly shaking body, she was pretty sure his release was every bit as intense as hers.

He maneuvered them slightly onto their sides, so they were still entwined but he could collapse and they lay catching their breaths.

"Damn, baby. That was intense, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven." Carter's voice was low and soft.

"Damn yourself, how in the hell did you do that to me?" Susan felt like jelly, she didn't think she had ever had that happen before, one or two if she was lucky, but to have that intense feeling like mini climaxes followed by that last overwhelming world stopping orgasm. Holy shit.

He chuckled softly. "Never had one like that before?"

"No, I don't think that was just one, it was several, kind of like these small waves followed by a tsunami."

"Good description, kind of perfect actually. It was great though."

"Great doesn't even begin to describe it. Intense, crazy, fucking incredible? That might begin to describe it."

Carter brushed a strand of hair back from her face and gave her a kiss. "Glad you enjoyed yourself, I know I sure did. You are an incredible woman." They lay kissing and cuddling for a few minutes, both enjoying the physical and emotional closeness.

"I need some water. You want some?" He finally spoke again. His mouth was bone dry from the exertion.

Susan nodded, she had that cottony feeling in her mouth. Carter disentangled himself, first going into the bathroom, then disappearing towards the kitchen when he came back out. She dragged herself from the bed, to use the bathroom as well, needing to freshen up.

She glanced in the mirror noting her flushed face and wild hair. She giggled slightly thinking she looked…like a woman who had just been incredibly well loved. She'd had really good sex in the past, and Chuck was pretty damn good, but Carter…holy shit. Where in the world did that come from? Was he always this insanely fantastic and crazy in bed? She could almost cry at the thought she could have had him when he was a med student, damn, she was going to regret that decision now that she knew he was a sexy beast in the bedroom.

She marveled at how he kept her going and climaxing multiple times, how he got those waves of pleasure rolling over her, she could go for _that_ on a regular basis. Though he hadn't said how he managed to get her there. She wondered if he'd experienced something like that before, she sure the hell never had, she would remember it. They had pretty amazing sexual chemistry, either way.

When she came out of the bathroom, Carter was already back with a glass of ice cold water for her. Susan sipped it gratefully, managing to down at least half of it before she stopped. She could feel his eyes on her, and she smiled over at him, admiring how good he looked lounging against the pillow, just barely covered by the sheet. Susan set the glass on the bedside table, then moved into his arms, Carter gave her several gentle kisses, before letting her rest her head on his chest. Her leg draped comfortably across his, they both closed their eyes and drifted, his fingers very softy brushing her arm. Susan sighed in contentment, relaxing, feeling like neither of them feel the need for any more words. She knew those would come later.

They both dozed off for a while, exhausted from the physical and emotional release provided by their intense lovemaking, drifting in and out of a light sleep.

Carter woke up sometime later, feeling Susan's warm body against him, wanting to make love to her again. He gently captured her soft pliable lips, running his fingers through her hair, feeling her sigh of contentment as he started to trail his lips down her neck. This felt so surreal, having her here with him in his bed, but he was going to make the most of it.

The whole thing just felt so good and so right, being with Susan was like coming home. With her he felt loved, something he had not felt enough of in his life. Something he really had not felt much of lately, being loved was what he needed, what he craved. Even if this was just a one night stand for her, he would take it. He was sure that they would be able to remain friends, who knows, maybe she would even want to do it again. He wanted to make her feel so good, that she would _want_ to do it again.

He felt her arms wrap around him, pulling him tight, and her leg sliding up around his hips, her warm hand stroking him, and guiding him to enter her. Their bodies rocked together as she moaned and cried out to him, he loved the sound of his name falling from her lips.

Susan ran her fingers down his back as his body moved above her, clinging to him as her emotions started to overtake her. When was the last time she had felt this warm and safe and loved with anyone? When was the last time she'd had sex this incredible? She felt herself coming, again, how did he do that to her?

 _"Oh John."_ She cried out his name as she arched her back, feeling the wave rush over her. He seemed so in tune, seemed to know when to stop, when to keep going to make the feelings more intense. This time she could feel him push deep into her and remain motionless for a moment as she sobbed and fought for air. How he dropped soft kisses on her face and neck, making her feel so connected to him emotionally.

Susan felt it all fade out, and she opened her eyes, staring directly into the deep dark pools of his eyes. She pulled him gently, encouraging him to roll over so she could take charge, riding him, rocking her hips in gentle circular motions. He did not remain idle, Susan enjoyed how his hands did not stop moving, one brushing up her belly, finally cupping and caressing her breasts, while the other stroked her hip. The combination of all this felt so incredible it overwhelmed her quickly, and she collapsed in a gasping heap, resting her forehead on his chest while she recovered.

Carter felt like he had gone to heaven, watching her was incredibly satisfying, knowing that he was doing this to her was amazing. He held her as she pulled herself together, then sat up, bringing her legs forward, making her wrap her legs around his hips with her feet on the bed behind him.

Susan knew what he was wanting and she was more than willing, she gave him a very long deep kiss, lingering on his lips. She enjoyed the feeling of him deep inside her, not moving quite yet. She leaned back slightly on her hands, letting him support her with one arm, and started to slowly move her hips.

" _Oh yes, baby."_ Carter breathed out as she rocked very slowly and sensuously against him. Susan was in total control now, but it was good for him too. He loved that he was now able to kiss and caress her breasts while she kept moving her hips.

Susan gasped as one of his hands found its way down between them and he started to rub her gently. He seemed to know just the right amount of pressure to put on her, and he let her hip movements control the intensity of the contact. It all felt so amazing as she increased her movements, getting faster and faster, feeling it all building as if running up from her toes. The sweet release coursed through her, so strong and intense, Carter's sharp inhalation as his climax hit, then a moment where she almost felt like she blacked out, and she realized as she came back to her senses that she was sobbing uncontrollably.

Susan felt like a damn was breaking and tears started to run down her face, why she was not quite sure, it was like all the tension in her body had been released.

Carter supported her quivering body, letting her wrap herself around him as she sobbed. He held her tight, only mildly concerned that she had tears dripping down her face.

"Shhh, it's okay." Susan could hear his soft words and feel him stroke her hair gently. She burrowed in closer to him, feeling slightly embarrassed that she was crying all over him. She didn't even know why she was crying, it just all felt so good.

"John, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying." She stuttered as she swiped at the tears coursing down her face.

"You don't need to be sorry, it's fine." Carter rubbed her back gently, keeping her pulled in tight until her body stopped shaking.

And it was fine, he knew what they had shared had been very intense and she had probably been holding her emotions in check for a long time. He knew how difficult it was when a marriage breaks down, how difficult it was to move on, how hard it was to find someone. He was living it. He held and rocked her gently, enjoying their physical and emotional closeness. Marvelling at what a passionate woman she was, how intensely she climaxed with just the right stimulation from him. He'd had some incredibly great sex with other women, but this with Susan felt special and emotionally charged.

"Wow." She finally breathed out, and laughed shakily, still a bit embarrassed about breaking down.

He kissed her. "That was more than wow, that last one was insane."

"I know, I thought I blacked out for a minute, there were fireworks on that one." Susan appreciated that he was not making a big deal out of her crying, that he just held and comforted her. She knows she will try to explain it to him, once she figures it out herself, then again, maybe she doesn't have to?

"Fireworks huh. Well, something went off that's for damn sure." He laughed softly as he eased her off his lap and they both lay down on the bed, pulling a sheet up over them.

"That was so good, why didn't we do this before?" Susan already knows the answer of course.

"I was under the impression it wasn't there for you. Or we would have, trust me"

"Clearly not the case, it was always there for me. If I had known it would be like that, I would never have let you walk away."

"I wish I'd known that back then, it could have been great. And I didn't just walk away, it wasn't my choice, Susan, you told me to go."

He's right, she thought, I did tell him to leave, that it wasn't there for me, that I only wanted to be friends. It could have been more than great, but I was too stupid to see that he could have been mine all along. What if I had not broken up with him? Susan shook off the thoughts.

"I let her have you." Her words of regret drop from her lips.

His lips capturing hers cut her off, then he whispered. "Not another word."

"What?"

"Don't talk about anyone else while we are in bed together. We just had really incredible, fantastic sex, it is about you and me, I don't want to hear another word."

Susan nodded, she got it, he didn't want her talking about previous lovers while they were in bed together. She appreciated it, she didn't want the ghost of any of the other women he has loved in bed with them. She simply kissed him back, a long deep kiss.


	6. Dream A Little Dream Of Me

Susan curled up against John and they both slept for a couple hours before she awoke with a start.  John's firm warm body cuddled up against hers, both of them totally naked. Her lips twitched into a smile as his arm curled around her almost possessively in his sleep, his breathing slow and even. Susan snuggled up against him, and his arm tightened slightly, though she doubted he was actually aware of doing it.

He'd given her something she'd been desperately missing, Susan had missed having a real physical and emotional connection with a man, and being with Carter had awoken a lot of dormant feelings. She marvelled even after she hadn't seen the guy for years, she still had a very strong attraction and link to him. Susan wondered what it had been like for Carter, she could only imagine that he'd missed the connection too, being apart from his wife during a serious illness which he very may well have had to face alone. The breakup of his marriage, and impending divorce couldn't be easy.

Logically, she knew he could simply be rebounding, the decision to divorce Kem obviously very new. He'd worn his ring barely two days ago, she could see the faint marking, the slightly lighter skin where his wedding band had so recently rested on his finger. Here she'd made love with him, while his soon to be ex had barely left the country.

In the big picture they were doing nothing wrong, he and Kem were formally separated, she knew he wouldn't lie about it. And he would be divorcing her, and the emotional turmoil was clear to see.  When her marriage to Chuck ended, he'd been sleeping with another woman with no indication that there was anything wrong. 

She couldn't seem to feel bad about any of this, they'd both given and received comfort and love. She knew what was going on in his life, and all of his baggage. She had a fair amount of her own, Chuck had destroyed her trust, and it was a struggle some days to believe another man would be any different.

She also believed that no matter what, she would remain friends with John after last night, or maybe more than friends? Susan wondered as she lay in his arms if maybe they weren't finally on the same page in their lives, akin in so many ways.

He'd had his heart broken, and so had she. Kem had shattered him into a million pieces more than once, and Chuck had broken her into at least as many. She knew both she and John had the capacity to love deeply and fully. Would he be able to love like that again? She thought yes, given time he could. Could he love her that deeply or vice versa? Only time would tell.

These two days in Chicago, spending time with John, had rekindled feelings she'd thought were long dead. She recognized she'd made a grave error, letting him go to Abby. What if she'd fought for him, told him that _she_ wanted to be the one he loved? Let the physical relationship develop? Unlikely she'd have been disappointed give the sex over the past few hours. Maybe if she'd not been such a mean bitch that day, perhaps he would have fought for her?

Without outright asking him, she'd never know. She and Abby had both been pretty harsh with him at that seminar so many years ago. That he'd pursued Abby after that day was a surprise. Though he did know Abby pretty well, she found out later that they talked incessantly. Well, until he started to date her and then Abby clammed up, stopped sharing her feelings with him at some point.

Until now it seemed like there had always been someone else, someone getting in the way, but now it is just the two of them. Now at long last, they were lovers and she was not disappointed, she didn't have a single regret about being with him.

She relaxed as she thought about last night, remnants of the conversation coming back to her. Did she actually ask him...no, she didn't, did she? Did he say to ask him when she was sober?

Susan had to be on the train this afternoon, heading back to her life in Des Moines. She had crazy thoughts going through her head. If she just left, would they both move on? Would John find a woman to warm his bed?

If he made any effort at all, of course he would, he was still a good looking guy, and extremely eligible despite his jokes about baggage. Would he take some time alone to heal, or was he ready to move on? It seemed he and Kem had been apart for some time, based on their discussion yesterday. She hadn't been in Chicago since Joshua died, John obviously hadn't been to Paris or Africa either, and she doubted they'd slept together while Kem was here this trip.

Her heart ached at the thought he might find someone else, someone who lived right here in Chicago, someone to be with, to make love with, that was not her. Her mind raced, not sure how to approach the issue, but knowing she had to give it a shot. At the very least, she wanted him to love her again before she got on that train.

She moved closer and nibbled on his ear, then kissed his neck, inhaling the warm masculine scent of him. She loved that he smelled a bit like her, she'd left traces of herself clinging to his skin and hair, and she smelled like sex and John's aftershave in equal measures.

"Mmmmm, what time is it?" His deep, low voice was thick with sleep.

"5 am. Wake up sleepy."

She leaned over and claimed his lips, gratified he responded so quickly. He wrapped his arms around her, rolling them so he was across her body. He gently sucked and bit her lower lip,as she stroked the nape of his neck. Her one hand rested against his cheek as her thumb brushed across his face so softly as the kiss deepened.

* * *

 

John kissed her again, he could see her desire reflected back at him in those vibrant green eyes.

Susan was an incredible beautiful woman, he'd always thought so, and the past few hours had been amazing. Things had never worked out between them when they'd had the opportunities before, she'd pushed him away. He imagined it didn't help he'd been harboring feelings for Abby...and in hindsight he wasn't sure why.

Abby had been one of the biggest mistakes in his life. They should never have crossed the line between friends and lovers, but they had, that day in the lock down. At first it seemed wonderful, but it had broken down over time.

He pushed the thoughts away and concentrated on Susan, if he'd learned anything over the years, it was he needed to give undivided attention to the here and now. There might not be a tomorrow, and he was acutely aware of the fact, he'd faced his own mortality more than once in his life.

He buried his head into her neck, giving those little butterfly kisses that she seemed to love so much last night. He focused on making her feel good, already he knew what she liked, he'd been paying attention.

Susan moaned softly as his lips trailed down her skin, stopping at various sensitive points. Her fingers wandered through is hair, and across his skin, the desire building as his mouth teased its way across her navel. He reminded himself to slow down, he wanted her so badly, but right now he needed to pleasure her. He nibbled across her hip, down the outside of her thigh as she squirmed.

"You like that?"

"Oh god, don't stop!"

He smiled against her warm smooth skin, before moving on to the true destination. The gasp and moans told him the story, her hips rode up towards him as he took her over the edge. Her green eyes were smoky and half shut as he moved back up and kissed her lips, settling between her thighs, her legs wrapping around him. He lost himself as their bodies moved against each other, their breaths mingling as he finally let himself go.

"That was amazing, baby." She turned and kissed his lips.

Carter brushed her hair back and gave her a deep kiss, in no hurry to pull back. "Back at you, I don't think I want to get out of bed today."

Susan laughed lightly. "We'll have to at some point, I work at 7 am tomorrow morning, can't miss my train."

"Mm, too bad. You have to get home to Cosmo too?"

"No he's with Chuck for a few days, I told him he needed to start acting like our child's father. He whined about it, but...he did it."

"What are you thinking?" She stroked his cheek.

"Just...you know, I'd give anything to have my son, and his is alive and well and he doesn't appreciate it? It pisses me off when people take it all for granted. Sorry, I should keep out of it, not my business."

"No, I brought it up. Sorry, I know Cosmo is about the age Joshua would be and that must make it even more difficult."

"It's fine Susan, don't apologize, you have a son, you should never apologize for being frustrated that his dad is being difficult, or anything else. I've accepted the loss, I dealt with it a long time ago, it just hits me sometimes, I can't help but wonder what he'd be like. It was hard to watch all the death and destruction in the Congo and Darfur, but it certainly gives one perspective on life. I'm sure you know what I mean, you see senseless death every day at work too, maybe not in the same way as Africa, but you still see it."

"I understand, John, I really do." She paused. "My train goes back to Iowa this afternoon."

She absently ran her fingers down his chest, then trailed them down his belly. His old scars had faded over time, but there was a newer more recent one, only a few months old and she traced it tenderly. It had been a while since anyone touched him like this, and Susan had no issue with his scars. He'd always feared how a woman would react to his multitude of scars, and even worse was having to explain them. Even now, he didn't like to think about that day, he could still picture Lucy's face as she lay there on the floor.

With Susan, he didn't have to explain, though he did have a short very succinct explanation that he had used in the past. It definitely helped that the majority of women he'd been involved with had some sort of medical training and his scars never seemed to phase them – some asked and some didn't.

"What time?" He dropped a kiss on her hair.

"2 pm." She hesitated. "Will you come visit me?"

“In...Iowa?”  John gave her a saucy grin, making sure he put the inflection into the word _Iowa_.

“Of course in Iowa, that’s where I live.  It’s just Iowa, not Timbuktu. She gave him a playful poke.  “Are you working full time?”

"No, I'm just picking up a few shifts as fill in to keep my skills up, and waiting for the Carter Center to be finished. I'm taking it easy for a while, life in Darfur wasn't exactly a picnic, and my doctor has advised me to slow down for a while. I don't have to work, I never did."

"No, I am sure it wasn't. You were crazy to live there for so long and you have worked hard for years. Good to slow down once in a while. But will you? Visit me?"

"You really want me to? Are you sure you know what you are getting into here? I did warn you, you might be better to stay away from me, I'm a complete disaster with relationships. Not to say you want a real relationship, but still." Carter inhaled, he felt a slight hope but also felt the need to be completely honest. "I'm about to start divorce proceedings, and...I'm not sure you want to be with me, I'm a bit of a mess. Maybe I always have been, my parents weren't the greatest role models."

"John." Susan stroked his face gently. "I got that part. I can add two and two, you haven't exactly hidden the fact you're in the middle of a messy break up. But this had been coming for a while, correct?  When was the last time you actually spent any real time with her?"

Carter bit his lip. "It seems like forever, but months and months, I'm sure you had already figured that out. That I was surprised she even showed up for the opening?"

"I noticed your reaction when she came in, total surprise. Aside from Benton, who I am sure knows a whole lot more than I do, I don't think people really figured it out."

"I could tell you were on to me, you were watching me, I could feel it.

"That makes me sound like a stalker!" 

Her laugh belied the words, and John shook his head.

"Nah, but you know me too well, all those years working together in the ER? Anyway, Kem and I have been apart for close to a year, the last time was in Paris a few months before I was airlifted out of Darfur. It wasn't great visit either, not even close to being good."

Carter knew that Susan was right, it had been coming a very long time, she was a very intuitive woman. 

"And you are sure it's what you want, getting a divorce?" 

"Yes. It's over, it has been for a while, it was just having the courage to call time of death. I've been back in Chicago for months, hard to have much of a relationship with her on another continent. I felt relieved we finally ended it, it's like a weight off my shoulders, now it's truly over. I probably should have given up on it long ago, it was a bumpy ride at best."

"You asked her for the divorce?"

Susan moved so she could look into his eyes, as difficult as it was opening up so soon, he knew he needed to talk about it. Opening himself up was a skill he finally learned after the drug addiction.

"Uh huh. She would have let this go on for who knows how long. I've stopped running away from my problems, but she's still...running. Funny, I never looked at it that way before, but that's what she's doing. Trying to avoid the inevitable, which ends with us never seeing each other again."

"I'm sorry, John, I am. I know you loved her, you went through a lot together, but now you can look back and know you tried, gave it a fair shot. I wonder if I should have left Chuck a lot sooner, but I had to try, when it was over, it was really over and I was ready to move on. It ended before he cheated, I just didn't want to see it."

"I'm sorry too, for all of us. Having a relationship end, something you invested so much of yourself into, is never easy. And you're right of course, giving it a fair shot was what I needed to do, that year we were apart after Joshua died was simply hell. She's out of my system now and I can move on. It seems wrong that I'm so ready to move on, but I guess I started to move on a quite a while ago. Living apart from your wife can do that to a guy, I suppose."

He didn't elaborate on the comment, though he could tell she was a bit curious at the statement. Maybe one day he'd tell her, but not yet. He wanted to see where this was going.

"I'm sure it can."

"It's hard, I thought by now I'd be happily married with a couple kids. I could have done that in Kinshasa, to me it is more about being together than where you are together. Instead all I have is a string of failed relationships. It makes me wonder, is it me? Or do I just pick the wrong women?"

"Hmmmm, I don't know, I'd have to say you've picked the wrong women, like I've picked the wrong men."

"I suppose that's true enough. I did date some great women, but...sometimes it was just the wrong timing, or the wrong person, or something screwed it up...maybe I screwed it up. There were definitely a few of those."

"I'd be lying if I said I hadn't screwed up a few times too, John. We've all been there. You know, I once let a great guy go, and now I wonder if I should have fought for him just a little harder." 

Carter was not sure if he was sure about who she was alluding to...Mark? Or him? Or someone else entirely? He didn't want to jinx it though, so he decided not to bring Mark into this, the jealousy over him helped end it all last time.

"Hindsight is a wonderful thing." He played it safe. "I know I let a couple go too, because I was hung up on someone else at the time, and the kicker is, the ones I was so sure about, turned out to be the wrong ones."

"Yeah, it sucks right? So, are you ready to move on? Yesterday you said it would be difficult to face dating again."

"Well, it is, I am sure you understand. You've tried getting back out there and see people, but it's not working out for you, and you're a great person, a gorgeous amazing woman. I know I need to move on and I want to move on, it's just I have dated a lot in the past and it has never worked out. What if she's not even out there?"

"I bet she is John, you're a great guy, any woman would be lucky to have you."

"Right, they're falling all over themselves, my wife can't even be in the same country as me. Soon to be ex-wife, that's depressing." He sighed sadly. "Partly it's just too scary to put myself out there again. I've never been able to keep it together with anyone for long, I don't even know if I can. If I even know how. Apparently I don't, because Kem was the longest relationship I had and well, obviously it's over, and then of course the next longest was...Abby, and that was a train wreck. Talk about picking the wrong woman."

He let out his deepest fear to her, that he didn't really know _how_ to have a long term relationship, even when he wanted it so much. Perhaps that was the problem, he wanted it all far too much, and he tried too hard with the wrong women hoping they were the one. As much as he needed to try with Kem, he wished he'd read the signs earlier. He'd truly loved her, but the loss of Joshua destroyed everything they'd had. He'd let Abby interfere with Susan, and he'd let Kem interfere with Wendall. Stupidity on his part, but he couldn't see it at the time.

"I get it, I had to face getting out there too, and it was not easy. I know I was a bit drunk last night, but you know what? I remember what I said, and it was all true. We would be really good together, John. I know it feels really quick, but it all feels so right, us being together."

"Do you think so? That we could have more than one night and make it work? I never want to lose your friendship, and I truly hope that we haven't spoiled it. It was great, don't get me wrong, but I seem to have a habit of screwing things up with friendships, having sex really can mess with it."

"No, John, no matter what we decide, we'll always be friends. Time and distance has not changed that, I still care a lot about you and I always will."

"And I'll always care about you too. So it wasn't just the alcohol talking? I mean, I know you were sober when we made love."

Susan turned slightly, stroking his face gently. "I was serious, John. It wasn't the alcohol and I feel like we both made a conscious decision. Was I wrong?"

"No, you're not wrong. We both know what the consequences could be, and honestly? It would be okay, we would work it out."

"I hope that you want to keep seeing me. Remember when I first came back to Chicago? We hung out, we had a lot of fun. We could have a lot of fun together John."

"I remember, last night was a lot of fun too, we still get along great. We definitely have a lot in common."

"You would be open to us being together?"

"Tell me how you see this going. If we started to see each other regularly, and we both wanted more, would you move back to Chicago? I'm going to be totally honest, I'm not excited about a long distance relationship, not what I'm hoping for. Been there, seen it, done it, does  _not_ work.  Not for me, I can’t ever do it again.”

"I know. I think we'd need to see how it goes, I'm assuming you wouldn't consider moving to Des Moines?"

"I can't. I've made major commitments here in Chicago, so moving is difficult. It isn't just a job, it's the Board Meetings and the Center and...to be honest, having my doctor here, I'd be coming to Chicago several times a week. I understand that it might not be much easier for you, with Cosmo, and your job, but I don't think I could avoid the travel. But what if you could find something great in Chicago, would you consider coming back?"

"Maybe. What about Cosmo?"

"I don't know, what exactly is your concern with Cosmo? Would Chuck make it difficult for you to move?"

"Are you okay with being part of his life? I mean, I'm his main caregiver, he sees Chuck less and less with the new baby taking up so much time. He doesn't need a dad per se, but he's around all the time."

"Of course I'm okay with it. You don't date someone with a child unless you can make room for the kid too. He's your son, Susan, he's part of the package."

"I'm a package am I?"

"You know what I mean." He gave her a playful poke. "If I had a child, would that not be part of the package too? Haven't you dated some men recently who have kids?"

"Yes, I have, too bad they were wingnuts. When you get to 40 everyone has a lot of baggage, divorces, kids, all sorts of stuff. Finding someone you have enough in common with is really hard. I think we should give it a try. Even if it is long distance at first, I'd consider moving back to Chicago if it seems to be working out with us. I'd have to check the job market, not sure what there is here for jobs."

"If you want a job, we can find you one. I have a lot of connections, I know someone at almost every hospital in town, and you can use me as a reference."

"Pull some strings for the girlfriend?"

"Sure, like no one else does it? Get real, everyone uses their connections, you'd be silly not to given the way the market is now. If you don't, you don't even get an interview, no matter how qualified you are."

Susan glanced over at the clock. "7 am."

"Yes. What would you like to do this morning? Get some breakfast? Anything else you need to do before you go back to Des Moines?"

Susan turned and ran her fingers down his chest, lingering, caressing, while she leaned in to kiss him.

"Maybe just a bit more of this."


	7. Feeling Good

Susan rolled over, her stomach growling slightly. They'd made love again, and then fallen back asleep, making up for the lost hours of sleep last night. She blinked at the clock then sat up with a gasp.

"Oh crap, is that really the time?" Susan let out a puff of air, trying to get the hair out of her face.

"Hmmm, relax baby." John's arms wrapped around her, pulling her back down into the cocoon of covers.

"Easy for you to say, I'm going to miss my train, John it's 1:30 in the afternoon, the next train isn't until this evening. I'll never make it back in time." She flopped her head back against the pillow, turning her head to look into his deep chocolate eyes.

"I'll drive you. Or you can borrow a car. Not a problem."

"You are going to drive me to Des Moines? You know it's several hours right?"

"Sure, but I have a couple days off, I don't have any meetings until Thursday. Or you can borrow one of my vehicles, I have a few kicking around."

"I don't like driving that far."

"Okay, so I'll take you home, my fault you missed your train, you're right, no way you're getting to the train station in time. No chance in 20 minutes. So you want to get dressed and we'll go for breakfast...or maybe lunch at this point in the day? I'm starving."

Susan leaned over and kissed him. "You're crazy, it's my fault too, but I'd love a ride home. You should stay the night in Des Moines...or stay a couple days, Cosmo is with his dad, we'd have the house to ourselves."

"Is that a proposition?" Carter winked at her. "I might just have to accept. I'm going for a shower, you can join me if you like." John dropped a kiss on her then he disappeared into the bathroom.

He had a very nice body, she mused as she watched his firm ass disappear into the bathroom. In a very lean and sexy way, he wasn't and never would be one of those guys with huge muscles, but he'd kept in shape, he looked even better naked than Susan imagined.  And she'd imagined it, she had to admit, there were times in the past when she'd very much wanted sex with him, but she had never followed through.

Her mouth twitched at the thought of a shower with Carter, and she immediately crawled out of bed and boldly walked into his bathroom totally naked, so unlike her, but she didn't bother to stop for a robe. The guy literally had seen it all over the past few hours, so what would be the point?

She stripped in front of him last night without even a thought, why be shy now? Not to mention the fact he'd seen more female bodies than he could count. Not just personally, but professionally. Nudity didn't phase Carter in the least, and Susan had worked really hard to get back into shape, she was justifiably proud of her own body.

Susan stepped into the running shower and gently pushed him back so she could wet down her hair and wash it.

"You decided to join me."

Susan felt Carter nuzzle her neck, his touch made a little shiver go down her spine. She turned and wrapped her arms around his neck, welcoming his kiss. It got steamy rapidly, his kisses and touch made her crazy with desire. She slid down, pushing him up against the side of the shower, looking up at him as he tipped his head back, clearly anticipating what she was about to do.

His hands tangle into her hair as she took him into her mouth, a soft moan from his lips signalling his enjoyment.  Susan had never been shy when it came to sex, and with John she felt confident and uninhibited. She didn't do this often for a guy, but for him she wanted to return the pleasure he'd given her earlier. His breath came faster and heavier, she felt him lifting her from the floor, claiming her lips immediately.

He backed her up against the wet tiles, sliding his hands under her, lifting her. She got the idea, wrapping her legs around his hips as he thrust into her. She pressed back, bringing her hips forward as he made love to her in the shower. It didn't take long before she arched towards him, moaning as he collapsed against her, holding her as they caught their breath. He finally let her slide back down to her feet, steadying her as she wobbled slightly, her legs turning to jelly.

This guy had energy, but then he always did. Susan thought about how she could get used to this, she was almost scared to get used to this, what if he changed his mind? No, she didn't think he would, what was going on with them was far too intense, far too intimate.

Susan had the silliest grin on her face as they rinsed their bodies, damn that was good. Making up for lost time maybe? No complaints from her, that was for damn sure. She had to wonder at how much stamina he'd had when he was younger, after all they always said a man's sexual peak was much younger than a woman's. She was supposedly just at her peak now, while he supposedly was long past his...but it sure didn't seem that way.

They'd been going at it for hours...with breaks sure, but still, he was performing admirably. She'd been very well loved over the past few hours, thankful how well everything was working even after he has had the kidney transplant. Not every guy was so lucky to come through major surgery without complications. He was also very, very, good in bed, probably the best she'd ever had. If she got to spend the rest of her life being loved by Carter, she'd be a lucky woman with a huge smile on her face.

 

Susan wrapped one of the big fluffy towels around herself and wandered into the bedroom, Carter was already half dressed. She noted her dress has been hung up on the closet door in its garment bag, not exactly something she wanted to wear back to the hotel, she wasn't sure what she was going to do.

"Help yourself to anything in my closet or dresser. I am guessing you don't want to wear an evening dress back to your hotel? It's a bit chilly out this morning as well. I thought we could go there first, you can pack your bag and change, then we can get some breakfast."

Susan was grateful for the offer and gave him a warm kiss.

"Thanks, I will. It would feel a bit weird getting back to the hotel dressed like that, with you all casual and fresh, me wrinkly and wearing an evening gown? Everyone would know what I was doing last night."

Carter laughed. "Maybe they would, since I definitely have a smile on my face, but do you actually care? They might be a bit jealous, staying up all night having great sex is nothing to be ashamed of in my book."

"Yeah, but you're a guy, everyone goes, hey well done buddy, you got laid. For women it's more like, wow, you are such a slut, you slept with him on the first date?"

"Well, first of all, I never think that way, women have needs just like men do, and you're incredibly sexy and uninhibited. Secondly, how would anyone at the hotel know if it was a first date or not. Third, it's not our first date, we have been out before, just not recently."

"I suppose all of that's true. You never worry if the woman sleeps with you the first time you go out?  That maybe she's not a great choice if she is willing to have sex on the first date?"

"Nope. Sometimes the attraction is undeniable, I'd say in general, if we have so strong of a connection that it leads to sex on the first date, there's generally a second date. Haven't you ever slept with a guy on the first date?  Or for that matter, do you not want to see the guy again if he has sex with you on the first date?"  

Susan could see the cheeky grin, the slightly raised eyebrow, no doubt he was thinking about how she got very drunk, then very naked last night.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I have, and sometimes it's just been sex. You know, when you say thanks, get dressed and leave right after? The true one night stand. I guess I'm a bit of a slut."  She avoided the rest of the question.

"I would suspect most adults in our age group have had at least one of those...some more than others. I'd never judge, sometimes a relationship is just about the sex, I can admit I've had a few of those in my lifetime.  Sometimes there is a strong immediate attraction."

"Uh huh. Well that doesn't surprise me in the least."

"So you haven't? Had a relationship that was about the sex? I mean, if you both are on the same page, understanding what the relationship is, then what's the harm in enjoying it."

"So the women in those cases knew it was all about the sex?"

"Yes, absolutely. I'm not like that, I would never purposely lead a woman on, making her think that there was more to the relationship if there wasn't. Honestly, a couple times the women were the ones who actually came out and said, hey this about having fun. And in general, anyone I've had that kind of relationship with...well, we enjoyed each others company too, they were fun to be around, we just didn't end up being in love with each other."

"Really, name 2 women that said hey this is just about the sex."

"Elaine and Abby."

"Abby said that?" Susan gave him a confused look.

"Not that Abby. Keaton, Abby Keaton."

"That name sounds familiar, why do I know that name."

"Because she worked at County for a while, you would not have know her all that well, she was a surgeon. In Pediatrics."

Susan eyes widened. "So you had an affair, with a surgeon. That had to have been before I left the first time, so you were what, 24?"

"25 actually, and yes, she was a surgical attending, she came from South Side when it closed. She's actually pretty well known now, though I haven't talked to her in years."

"You had an affair with an attending when you were an intern?"

"Uh huh. She was a lot of fun."

"I just bet. And how much older than you was she?"

"Oh, about...8 years."

"Wow, that's a lot. You could have gotten in big trouble."

"Yes, it could have been an issue, but it never became one. It never seemed there was that much of an age difference, she was a great person, I liked spending time with her. So...how much older than you was Div?" 

Susan looked at him, realizing how judgmental that sounded when she herself had an affair with an older man, an Attending, when she was a resident.

"Touché. About 6 or 7 years. I see your point, I was a resident and he was an Attending, and I should probably not have been dating him either." She pulled open the top drawer of his dresser, searching for some clothes to wear.

"Third and bottom drawers, or sweatshirts in the closet." Carter directed her. "Exactly. For some reason people get really shocked and judgmental when I date women older than me, yet women date men older than them all the time and it is no big deal. One of those double standards."

Susan opened the drawers and sorted through, finding a pair of sweatpants that look like perhaps they'd shrunk since they were so much smaller than his others, an oversized t-shirt, then went into the closet, choosing a sweatshirt.

"I suppose. Though I shouldn't judge, I'm older than you, and I usually date older men. The four year difference doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore. Well, not quite 4 years, but still, I'm older than you." She pulled it over her head then fixed her hair, feeling warm and cozy in his oversized shirt.

"Sure, but that's okay, obviously it's not a deal breaker to me, who cares, it's more about being compatible. I've dated women younger than me, some older and some pretty close to the same age, it has rarely been an issue."  

Susan nodded. "I don't care either." She checked the sweatpants in the mirror. "How do you wear these, they fit me perfectly."

He raised an eyebrow. "I don't. Those are ladies sweatpants, they're not mine. They look good on you."

Susan suddenly felt a bit weird wearing them, but tried to shrug it off. "Oh, they're Kem's?"

Susan was shocked she fit into them, Kem was a tiny little thing, enviably so, even though Susan was not that big either.

"No, they belong to someone else, our laundry got a bit mixed up and I ended up with them. They belong to Angelique, she visited me in Nairobi and threw some of my stuff into wash with hers, and ended up packing them in my bag. I forgot to throw them into the last package I sent to Kinshasa." He stepped over and brushed back her hair. "She's a friend, you don't have to feel uncomfortable wearing them, she won't care."

"I don't feel weird about it." Susan tried to brush it off. _Angelique_. She had to control her twinge of jealousy, after all, Carter was not hers when he was in Nairobi, in fact he'd been 'hers' for less than 24 hours. And he was pretty ill, so she was sure there was not anything going on there. But maybe at some point?

"Yeah, you do, I can see it. That's okay, but you don't need to get upset, they don't belong to Kem. I don't think I have anything of hers to be honest, she's never even been in this apartment, and I had anything that was hers shipped to Kinshasa long ago.  There wasn't much, she didn't live in Chicago very long."

"Who is Angelique?"

"The surgeon in Kisangani, she ran one of the clinics. I met her the first trip to Africa, and she's become a very good friend. She went with me to Nairobi, she was in Darfur when I got sick.  Or I guess Debbie called her and she came to Darfur when I got sick...she's a friend and that's all."

"Oh." Susan didn't want to know more than that. She had a feeling that Angelique and Carter were...close. Something about the way he talks about her, said her name. But, she had no right to judge or be jealous.

"Susan." Carter stepped over to her and tipped up her chin. "Angelique and I were never involved, she really is _just_ a friend. She helped me out, you don't need to feel funny about wearing those. Okay?"

"You can just read me like a book, how did you know I was thinking that?"

"Oh, I don't know, probably the look on your face. Are you ready?"

"Yes, I'm ready." Susan noted Carter had a travel bag packed, it took him very little time to put it together, and she thought he was a master at packing lightly and quickly. He picked up his bag and handed her the dress to carry.

He directed her to the car, though she saw his Jeep parked in the garage as well.

"You still have it? Or is that a new one?"

"No, same one, I had it in storage while I was out of the country. But we'll take the car, more comfortable, more fun and more reliable. Better on gas too, more horse power but less weight."

He hit the remote to unlock the doors, and held the passenger side open for her, waiting until she got settled then closed the door. Susan cuddled down into the cushy seat while he popped the trunk and dropped in his bag, then slid into the leather driver's seat.

"I never pictured you with a sports car. You seem to love driving it, it really must be a midlife crisis."

He smirked. "I think I already had one of those several years ago, I hope I only have one. Anyway, I don't know how I'd top what I've already done, you know, running away to Africa, twice, kind of like joining the circus."

Susan laughed outright at that comment. "I suppose it would be hard to top."

At least he still had his sense of humor. Susan wondered if that is what kept him going, he had experienced a whole lot of tragedy in his life and now his marriage was gone too. She debated if she could make him happy, not hurt him. And could he make her happy and not hurt her?

"So what is this car? The symbols don't look familiar."

"A Maserati, they aren't that common around Chicago, they're expensive and imported from Italy."

"So what is kind of expensive?"

"They're about $150,000 or thereabouts when they're new. Not sure what this one is worth at the moment, since it's a few years old, but the mileage is low. I think my grandfather bought it not long before he died which is about...wow, eight years now?" He backed out of his parking space and hit the garage door opener so they can pull out of the parking structure. In a short time they arrived at the hotel, he pulled into a short term spot out front, and went up to her room with her.

"I'm just going to change, and put my stuff together and I'll be ready to go for lunch."

"Great. Take your time. Maybe we should go to that little cafe just down the street, the one with the awesome coffee."

Susan changed quickly and in no time she had everything packed. "Let's go."

By the time they'd eaten and hit the outskirts of Chicago, she saw why he said driving would be fun. The seats were comfortable, and car was fast, and it had warmed up so the top was down. Surprisingly the design was such there was not a lot of wind even with the top and windows down, so it was very pleasant. Susan glanced over at Carter, he seemed totally relaxed, he must have felt her eyes on him and he smiled over at her.

"Sorry for getting on the road so late in the afternoon, but we will get you there so you don't miss work."

"No problem, I'll still be home early enough to get a good night sleep before work tomorrow. It was nice to have a few days off." Susan reached over and rested her hand on the back of his neck, rubbing slightly. She leaned back in the seat, enjoying the ride.

"What was it like there? I have heard a bit about it, but was it really that bad?"

Carter looked over quickly then back at the road. "Where? Africa?"

"Yes, Africa. What was it like living there for so long?"

"Well, I saw things that I hope never to see again. Life is a daily struggle for them, I ran an IDP camp for quite a while, and it can get ugly. The violence against women is especially hard to see, they're often raped and marked specifically, so the husbands know what has happened to them. Then the women will often be cast out of their families, which is monumentally unfair but that's what happens. The army isn't supposed to come into the camps, but they often do, with their automatic weapons, they wave them around, and make threats, take whoever they like as prisoner. Very nasty business. A lot of the wounds both in Darfur and the Congo were inflicted by machetes, and we saw a lot of GSW's. Not to mention all the illnesses from the lack of food, clean water, and antibiotics."

Susan stared at him for a long minute. "That's probably one of the most horrible things I've ever heard, marking women so their husbands will know they've been violated? And you stayed. How did you have the courage to stay there?"

He shrugged. "Tough to explain, but you become accustomed to it, and the need is great. You step outside of yourself almost, see life from a different side. We helped those we could, let go of those we couldn't. It's very different to practice medicine there, with limited resources, little to no electricity, the sanitary conditions aren't great. Which is why I got sick, and why I can never go back, if I did I'd probably die, my immune system will never be able to handle it. It's funny, the first shift I picked up at County when I got back, we had a trauma come in, and it was pretty typical for County, it was messy but not _that_ bad. Banfield told me I could hang back if it was a little too much reality for my first shift. I almost laughed at her, like an _IDP camp in Darfur_ isn't reality? I think I can handle seeing almost anything County can throw at me after living in the Congo and Darfur."

"I can only imagine. Des Moines is positively tame compared to what we saw at County, though there are still some pretty serious injuries coming through. The worst to me is always when we get someone in with serious burns, you know the ones I'm talking about."

"Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean. Over the years I've seen a few too many, and you have to tell them that they are going to the burn unit to die? Brutal.  Especially when they're young.  I remember one case where four kids had a major MVA that caught fire on Prom night.  My patient was this teenage boy and we knew he had less than a 20% chance of living, he died within a few days in the burn unit and his sister suffered a spinal injury that left her paralyzed for the rest of her life."

"Those are the ones, let's not talk about it anymore."

Susan watched the scenery go by for a while in silence. She'd been curious for a long time about what exactly happened with Abby and she wondered how he would react to her asking.

"John, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, I guess."

"Why did you go to Africa in the first place. Abby said you promised her you weren't going then suddenly you were gone, and in Africa."

"Did she." 

"You don't want to talk about it?  That's okay, I shouldn't be so nosy."  Susan ran her fingers through her hair, fidgeting slightly, surprised when he started to speak.

"Timing really. My grandmother dying, my relationship with Abby and how it was going, things with my dad going on at the same time. I was supposed to meet my dad in Rio and he backed out at the last minute. Typical for him, always something more important to do than spend time with his only son. I'd had all my shots and I had my Visa, Luka called as they were short a doctor due to Visa problems. I'd treated a Buddhist Nun that day, and she said something to me that really hit home and I just really needed to get away."

"I remember the Nun. What did she say?"

"Well, it was the whole situation really. I can't remember everything that was said, but basically she just looked at me and knew. 'So much sadness', I think is what she said. It hit me how out of control my life was, I felt like I had lost everything the same day, that nothing in my life felt right. I was so tired, exhausted of pretending it was all okay, feeling like I was the only one who was making the effort. I didn't feel that Abby was invested in us anymore, if she ever even was. I needed some time and space, to get out of my own head for a while."

"I understand, you lost an important member of your family. It sounds like you did it for you."

"I did do it for me, I knew I had to get away, but I didn't want to go lay around on the beach alone in Rio, so without really thinking too much about it, I got on a plane and went to the Congo. It was eye opening, and totally changed everything in my life."

"Abby was pretty pissed you went, against her wishes."

"Yeah, I got that, her sentiments were hard to miss. But, she was busy with her brother, and we really barely saw each other for over two weeks before I went. After the funeral, I hadn't seen or talked to her for a full week, I really didn't know what to say to her, you know? She didn't make much effort either, which didn't help, like she was waiting for me to come after her, and I just couldn't. It felt that was all I was doing anymore, trying to get her to open up and talk to me, and she just wouldn't, so I gave up."

"It got that bad between you? What happened?"

Carter sighed. "A lot of things. Mainly I started to see the cracks in the relationship. I don't know how much you talked about it, or what you know."

"Not much, really. She didn't get into details, John. She just let me know she was pissed off, you'd told her you wouldn't go to Africa and then you did. Without really saying much at all to her and she felt like you did it to hurt her." She watched him closely as she said this.

She could see his eyes roll a bit at that, he looked annoyed, but he took a deep breath. "Right. She said that to me when I got back the first time, asked me why I wanted to hurt her. Which is crazy, I never wanted to hurt her, Susan, I had wanted to marry her. Which she conveniently seemed to forget, she took the whole thing and made it about what an asshole I was for going."

"She knew you were serious, though, I mean you did ask her that night didn't you?"

"Which night, when I had the ring?"

"Yes, you said you had a plan to ask her, and I assumed she said no because she never did wear the ring. I thought that's what happened, she said no."

"Nope, I didn't end up asking. Though she found the ring, I don't know how she could not think I was serious about her. I'm not sure how, but she saw it. She never bothered to give any indication if it was something she wanted, or didn't want. She said she got why I didn't ask, which was interesting, since at the time I didn't even really know myself, so that said a lot. Did she ever mention it to you?"

"No. I have to admit, I checked out her hand the next morning, and she was just her usual moody self. She didn't say a word."

"Yeah, well I didn't ask that night, she didn't really want it, and I could tell.  I'd taken Maggie to the bus station, she said some damn interesting things about Abby's marriage to Richard that made me a little nervous. Then Abby and I were talking at dinner, and...how she was acting and responding to my questions, something held me back."

"If I saw that rock in my boyfriend's pocket I don't think I could have kept my mouth shut. That was a really amazing ring."

"Yeah, but you're _Susan_ , not Abby. You two are such complete opposites, you were never shy to voice your opinion, with Abby you had to practically drag stuff out of her. That became a huge problem, she acted like she had to do everything herself, like...she didn't need anyone else. Towards the end, I had no clue what she was thinking, what she was feeling or what she wanted from me."

"You could have asked her."  Susan could not help the smile that played around her lips at the way he said  'but you're Susan'.

Carter gave Susan a look, rolling his eyes slightly. "Oh gee, why didn't I think of that?" 

"Oh. You did ask her." She noted the evident sarcasm in his tone, the way he turned and stared back at the road.

"Yeah, of course I did. You have _no_ idea how hard I tried to get her to talk to me, but she was so shut down. I mean, I love strong and independent women, but...I was so frustrated with her. It was like holding a conversation with a brick wall, you can talk all you like, but it's never going to answer."

Susan frowned a bit at that, Abby had been pretty vocal with her about how hurt and angry she was with Carter, but she apparently hadn't shared that with him?

"I think we both knew in our hearts that we were coming to the end. Anyway, it got out of control, everything was so out of control. I didn't feel like she loved me, I honestly didn't think she would give a damn if I left, I thought that she'd be relieved she didn't have to see me or deal with it. She spent a lot of time running away, avoiding the much needed conversation, I figured it would give her the easy out she wanted. I invested a lot of myself into that whole relationship, but in the end, it wasn't good, for either of us, and I knew it. I tried so hard to talk to her, but she kept so much locked away, she never truly let me in. She was always waiting for me to leave her, you know that?"

Susan shook her head in amazement. The easy out? He thought he was giving Abby an easy way out of a relationship she didn't want. Shit. Abby had whined and complained and was so pissed off, and all she had to do was talk to the guy? Well, Abby was a fool, a complete idiot.

"I'm sorry, John, I didn't know." She reached over and took his hand. "I believe she did love you, in her own way."

"She had a funny way of showing it, and she sure the hell never said it. You know, that night on the roof, she told me I should run. She told me I didn't really want to be with her, that I shouldn't want to be with her. She pushed and pushed, so many times, I finally got the message. I tried to be there for her, tried to show her I was nothing like her dad, but in the end she didn't believe in me, or trust in me. So I did what she'd been pushing me to do. I left. Which allowed her to blame me for ending things. Which is fine, whatever, it allowed her to move on and it ended up being for the best."

"I suppose so, you know I told her she should talk to you when you came back the first time? She told me you were back but said you had tried to apologize to her. I assumed you had messed it up."

He gave her a sideways glance. "I think the mistake I made was to even bother trying. I don't think I could have done anything right in her eyes after that, I met her expectations by leaving and she wasn't going to forgive me. She didn't even care about why I went, she never asked, she just shut me out, I don't even think she missed me. Suddenly it hit me how miserable we both were, and I just didn't want to do it anymore, I couldn't do it anymore, I was losing myself."

"Why did you go after Luka?"

"I kind of snapped. Abby had just finished saying 'why did you even bother coming back'. And I was thinking about then, why the hell _did_ I bother coming back? There was nothing left for me in Chicago, with my grandmother gone, Abby sure didn't give a damn about me, she didn't want to talk to me. Not until she realized I was going to get on a plane and leave, and then she was oh so worried, suddenly she wanted to talk?"

"So she finally talked to you?"

"Not really. I packed up my stuff and walked out, she followed me and started going on about waiting until it was safer. I tried all day to talk to her, and she waited until the last minute to be worried about me? What bullshit, she was playing games and I could see it so clearly. The last thing she said was, don't go, I can't do this anymore, and all I could think was, yeah neither can I and I'm not going to, enough is enough. So I walked away and didn't look back, knowing I was ending it. It was a relief, life in Africa was so simple, you got up every day and helped people, every day, people who really appreciated it. At County, I felt like so many people didn't really appreciate what we did for them. In retrospect, I recognize it was running away from my problems, but in the big picture it made me grow up."

Susan nodded again. "I don't know if I would have handled things much better if it was me. That she wouldn't talk to you, that was hard to watch. She didn't talk about it all after you went to find Luka, did you even talk to her?"

"No. We were out in the middle of nowhere for several days, finding a working phone is pretty difficult. I had some time to think about it, and she wouldn't talk to me in person, I knew by phone it would be even easier for her to simply ignore me. So, I sent Luka home and decided I would at least send her something, so I wrote the infamous letter. Boy it was nice to know everyone read that, I heard how popular that made me for a while."

"I didn't read it. Frank and Jerry, they got hold of it somehow and showed it to everyone, Abby should been more careful with it." Susan also thought Abby should have been a little more careful with Carter's heart, she sure did a number on him. No wonder he didn't come back, Abby played victim really well, but then she obviously had years and years and years of practice. "I thought you two were going to be so great together, you seemed to be so happy at first. I'm sorry it turned out like that, but maybe it was for the best."

"For sure it was, no doubt in my mind. We could never have made a marriage work."

"I heard Luka had to practically drag her down the aisle to marry her, he went as far as arranging the wedding and then basically making her marry him. I guess you could call that romantic, but on the other hand, it's also a bit sad."

Carter frowned. "I cannot even imagine, I guess he loved her quite a lot, so it worked out then. Personally, I think that if you're going to marry someone, they should be excited about it, and show up of their own free will, not have to drag the woman there kicking and screaming. That does not make for a great marriage in my books."

Susan gave him a smile. "I hear you, and I know you, you would never have done what Luka did, but that is a good thing. Anyway, she did marry him, but I know for a fact…she relapsed and she cheated on him, John. She got so drunk one night she screwed some big wig at the hospital and almost destroyed their marriage. She was going to work hammered and treating patients."

"How do you know, and why are you telling me this? The relapse, that doesn't surprise me, but I can't judge, I worked on patients while I was high. Not the best thought out plan, but at that point you kind of stop thinking entirely."

"I'm not saying you should judge, I'm just stating facts. I liked Abby, but obviously she was never the right woman for you. She lived under her dark cloud, and she probably still does. The point is, the issues were never really yours, you loved her the best you knew how, but she could never really accept it. She's done the same to Luka, it appears she has issues with accepting love, from anyone. That she married Luka had more to do with Joe, their son, she never seemed wild about Luka, it was like she finally settled. He's a great guy, I like him, but he has demons too, and is much more like her. You are her polar opposite."

"I know that, actually, it became pretty clear, and being away, having the space gave me perspective. Abby and I were over long before I went to Africa, it was just having the courage to recognize and call it. Coming back after the first trip, I wasn't quite there until Abby pulled all her drama. If she and Luka are happy that's great, if not, then that's too bad, but I've been over her for years."

"I know, I could tell, you didn't even take a second look at Abby, at any point after that."

"We were still friends, but you're right, I never had the urge to put myself through the Abby wringer again. The feelings faded quickly once I was away from her. So why are we talking about this anyway?"

"I guess I always kind of wondered what happened, you two were so very much together and suddenly so very much apart."

"Ah, well, appearances can be deceiving, we kept it out of the ER for the most part but it was falling apart for a while. Not as sudden or unexpected as everyone seemed to think, we were fighting regularly, she was drinking regularly and I was pissed off with her most of the time.  She was pissed of with me a lot too.  I'm sorry that Abby is still struggling with her alcoholism, that she did something so stupid but am I surprised? No, not really, her record is only 5 years sober, she will probably always struggle with it."

"And you don't?"

"Not anymore, I haven't had the urge to use for a very long time, it's part of the past."

"I know, John. Sorry if I'm being too nosy, bringing up the whole thing about Abby, maybe I shouldn't have."

"It's fine, Susan. I don't have anything to hide, and I can talk about it. Like I said, that whole thing is long over, we sort of became friends again after Kem left, but it was never the same, of course. And that's okay, she can be really great, and I will always care about her, but it feels like she and I were together in another lifetime. We both moved on, and that's as it should be."

"You seem to be able to talk about Kem with no problem as well."

Carter shrugged. "I suppose I can, and that I can do it without any really strong feelings makes me realize it was long overdue. We talked and ended it, and I was sad, sure, but mostly I felt relief, that we could both move on. I loved her, but some things are not so easy to get past and losing a child is certainly one of those things."

Susan was actually happy to hear him say it, that he'd been apart from his wife for so long makes her feel better about moving forward with her proposal. She felt like less of a rebound for him.

"So, I have poured my heart out to you, what about you and Chuck?"

"Not much to tell, other than what I told you the other day. My career consumed me, and I let it. Chuck felt neglected and found a way to fill the void. It hurt initially, it felt like betrayal mostly, I was angry and bitter that he fell in love with someone else. It still bothers me sometimes, how he's so damn happy, and I'm alone again."

"Or maybe not so alone now." Carter reached over and took her hand.

Susan smiled softly. "No, now I have you."


	8. Every Second Every Hour

Susan strolled into work at 6:45 am, stopping in her office to grab her lab coat and stethoscope. For the first time in quite a long time, she felt…happy.

They'd finally reached Des Moines in the early evening, and she'd directed Carter to her modest house. It was small, but in a good neighbourhood and she liked it.

"Cute house. Did you buy it?"

"I did, well we did, but I made him give it to me in the divorce. Might sound bad, but he cheated and I was angry so I made him give till it hurt."

"Remind me not to get on your bad side…again."

"Don't cheat on me and we'll be fine." Wait, again? "Were you ever on my bad side?"

"Oh, I think so. You weren't very happy with me when I left County. There might have been a couple other times too."

Ah of course, the tenure thing, Susan nodded. "Again, I apologize for that. It was more about Weaver and hospital policy than you. I was upset, and I took it out on you, Kerry always liked you and hated me, though she seemed a bit softer after she'd had Henry and we got along better. I recognize you actually worked at County longer than I did, and I know you worked hard, so…forgive me?"

"Course, I forgave you a long time ago."

"As easy as that?"

"Yes, it is. It was forever ago, in the big picture, it means nothing. Bygones."

The smile curved her lips as she thought about last night. She hadn't invited another man into her bedroom since she divorced Chuck. Sure she'd had sex with a couple of guys since then, but that's all it really was…sex, and it was at their place as Cosmo was at home waiting for her.

With John it was different. She'd wanted him to stay, and at bedtime she'd taken his hand and led him into her room. Her face flush as she thought about how they'd undressed each other, loved each other, and fallen asleep in each others arms. Or this morning, their love session before she finally tore herself away to shower and dress for work.

She'd given him a warm kiss before she left. "You'll be here when I come home, right? You aren't going back to Chicago already?"

"You want me to stay? I have a couple days, how about I come down and take you for lunch. One good?"

"Perfect."

"Good morning Dr. Lewis."  The curious eyes of the Attending going off shift observed her. She realized she had been standing staring at the board for who knows how long. She gave herself a shake back into the present, trying to absorb what was happening in the ER.

"Nathan, how are we doing?"

"Great, can I hand off my patients and I'm out of here."

"Absolutely."

Susan jumped in and everything seemed to be running smoothly. The Chief Resident had a few issues though, and she longed for the days at County when Carter had been Chief Resident. He knew the drill so well by the time he took over, things ran like clockwork. Susan knew that Mark would have been so proud of Carter, he'd turned into a great doctor, and he was more firm and less afraid of confrontation than Mark. Susan sighed sadly, she still missed Mark, even though they'd grown apart over the years she was in Phoenix.

The hours seemed to drag by and she kept glancing at her watch, even shaking it a couple times to see if it was working. She met the amused glance of Jenna as she checked again, and it hit her how crazy it seemed. Acting totally lovesick, waiting for Carter to show up for lunch.

"Dr. Lewis, you have somewhere to be?"

"Um, what?" She tried to be nonchalant.

Jenna giggled. "You've been checking your watch every five minutes all morning.  wondering if you have a hot date or something."

She hoped she wasn't blushing. "Oh, no, a friend's coming to take me for lunch at one."

"Ah, it's only 10 am. I think you have a while. Is this a male _friend_?" Jenna teased lightly.

Susan gave her a mysterious smile and went back to her patients.

* * *

 Carter showered shortly after Susan left, then gathered up the keys and decided to get out of the house. He found a café for breakfast, caught up on the news with one of the complimentary papers, and then did some sightseeing.

Even with his doctor telling him to take it easy and slowdown for a while, let his body fully heal, he had a hard time sitting and doing nothing. He'd always been an active person, and being in Africa hadn't changed his behaviour. They were up early, worked hard all day, and then spent the evenings socializing until they went to bed.

He mused about Susan as he went about filling his morning. How ironic that after all these years, they'd ended up together, after all the ups and downs in life, he woke up with Susan Lewis in his bed and in his heart.  He almost laughed out loud, who was he kidding, she'd always been in his heart. He'd crushed on her hard from the very first day he walked into County. Of course it wouldn't have worked, him being a naive med student, she an experienced resident. Now though, they were in a totally different place.

By 12:30 he decided to make his way over to the hospital, knowing he might have to wait, depending on the day. But that was okay, he wanted to see where Susan worked, and craved the busyness of an ER department. Funny how he missed it when he was away, it was in his blood. He had to admit, he missed working with her, especially those months they'd been hanging out a lot. They'd been great months overall, despite the bumps in the road.

* * *

 Susan sighed as the rush hit just after 12:30 and all hell broke loose. The ambulances and gurneys arriving left, right and centre and of course Carter arrived at the admit desk. She gave him a quick smile then turned her attention back to her crashing patient, wheeling them into the trauma room. He knew the drill, and how to keep out of the way. Unfortunately he couldn't help, being in Iowa made it impossible for him to assist.

Jenna looked up into a pair of deep chocolate eyes while she held the phone to her ear, trying to arrange patient transport. "Sorry sir, but you should wait in chairs? Did you see the triage nurse?"

"No, I'm a friend of Susan's…Dr. Lewis, don't worry about me, I know how to keep out of the way."

"Oh…you're going for lunch right?"

"Right, but I know she'll be a couple minutes, looks busy."

Jenna nodded as she finally got the party she wanted to talk to on the phone. Carter watched one of the med students looking at an X-ray on the light board. She was frowning and tilting her head.

John glanced at it, slightly amused, he walked over, pulled it off and flipped the X-Ray over, snapping it back on the board. The med student looked startled.

"Easier to read if it is on the light board the right way." He ran his eyes over the film. "What do you see?"

"Can I be honest?"

"Absolutely."

"Nothing. The guy is having pain, but I really don't see the problem."

"You want to know what you should do?"

"Sure, enlighten me."

Carter pointed to something on the X-ray, and the med student stared at him for a second, then looked at the x-ray.

"Schmutz, on the x-ray?"

"Aneurysm. That's an aneurysm and you need a surgeon down here to evaluate him before it blows."

"Are you sure? Who are you anyway?"

"Dr. Carter, I'm visiting from Chicago. And yes I'm sure, I've seen a lot of films, and this patient is a surgical candidate. Who's supervising you?"

"Right now? Everyone is in trauma. The Chief Resident should be supervising but he's busy." The med student got on the phone and paged surgery, Carter kept out of the way while the rest of the rush died down.

Susan finally finished with her patient and had them ready for transport upstairs, when her friend Lexi stopped her. "My, my who is _that_? I wonder if he's single."

Susan followed her gaze to where Carter was talking to the Chief Resident. She took him in, well dressed as usual, and looking particularly good today.

"Down girl. That's _my_ lunch date." It made her feel good, she felt incredibly attracted to him, and that other women agreed was good...and maybe bad too. He certainly didn't have to try hard to get women to notice him.

"Seriously, you know him?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do. _That_ is Dr. John Carter from Chicago. I worked with him at County."

"So, is he single?"

Susan laughed. "No, he's recently taken."

"Lucky girl, whoever she is."

"Thank you, I feel pretty lucky." Susan patted her on the arm and walked up to the admit desk, her eyes warning him not to get too touchy feely, after all she was the boss and she wanted to keep professional at work.

"Can you escape for lunch?" He read her like a book, he knew she wanted to wait until they got out of here before she showed anything.  He remembered when they'd 'dated' back at County she was hands off at work. Then when she was Chief she'd admonished him for calling her Susan at work, like he hadn't known her for years and gone out with her and kissed her.

"Yes, let's go, before anything else happens." She felt his hand on her back, warm even through the fabric of her lab coat. Susan knew there would be comments later, but she led him to her office so she could drop off her lab coat and stethoscope. Once they were there, she pushed her door shut, then backed him up against the door, sliding her hands up around his neck and pulling his head down for a kiss.

Carter wrapped an arm around her tiny waist, holding her body against him as their lips met. They stood there for a good minute, lost to everything but each other before Susan retreated slightly, taking in a deep breath, leaning back against her desk.

"Wow, we need to stop or we're not making it out of this office for lunch." Susan finally managed to hang up her lab coat and reach into her desk for her purse.

"And that would be bad because?" Carter's eyes were twinkling at her, he looked amused.

"Because this place is worse than County for rumours, and they are already talking about us. Just the fact that I shut my door probably has my assistant trying to hear what is going on."

Carter laughed. "I see. So, no hot sex on your desk then...or maybe the couch, that looks more comfortable than the desk."

Susan rolled her eyes and gave his arm a playful swat. "Let's go eat. I can only be gone so long, and then the search party will be looking for me."

"Where are we going?" Carter opened the door and she strolled out casually stopping to say a couple things to her assistant.

Lunch was casual, at a cute little diner not far from the hospital.

"Reminds me of Doc's, except the food here is better."

"I know. And the coffee cart is far better than the Roach Coach."

"That's not difficult."

An hour later Carter dropped her off at the ER.

"I should be home by eight or so. Would you mind making something or getting us takeout? I get too tired to go out for dinner."

Carter nodded, then gave her a quick kiss before she disappeared inside.

Once Susan arrived back in the ER, the comments start almost immediately. Jenna smirked at her.

"No wonder you kept checking your watch. Who was that?"

Casey was staring at the board. "Dr. Carter."

Jenna turned. "What?"

"His name. Dr. Carter. He spotted an aneurysm on the x-ray I was looking at and the surgeon was really impressed, it wasn't an easy one to see. I thought it was some schmutz on the lungs, but nope, a major aneurysm, ready to blow.

Lexi cornered her in the lounge next. "Um, Susan. I think you've been keeping secrets. Are you seeing him?"

"Yes. Well, sort of."

"Sort of. So you're sleeping with him then."

She shrugged but couldn't keep the corners of her mouth from twitching as she remembered the last couple of days. And this morning. Damn that was a great wake up call.

"Oh wow, you _are_ sleeping with him. You look pretty satisfied, must have been good. Damn, I'm jealous, you're having hot sex." Lexi was divorced as well, and dating, trying to meet half decent men.

"It's pretty damn good, yes. Better than Chuck ever was."

Lexi smirked, Susan had told her about a few of her escapades with Chuck one night when they were both drunk and in a sharing mood.

"Did you meet him when you went to Chicago for the opening of that new health center, what was that place?" Lexi picked up a mug and examine, pouring in some coffee.

"The Carter Center?"

The coffee mug hit the counter with a thump and Lexi's head whipped around. "What?"

"The grand opening, it was for the Carter Center."

"And that was Dr. John Carter? That's not a coincidence. You're sleeping with a guy who has a health center named after him."

"I've known him for years, Lexi, he personally invited me to go to the opening. The Center is named after his son, Joshua. John built it in memory to his son who died when he was a baby."

"His son died as a baby? That's sad." Lexi tilted her head slightly. "He built it? How do you know him anyway?"

"We worked together, at County, and we dated a bit actually. Then he got married, and now he's separated from his wife and I'm seeing him."

"What if he gets back with his wife?"

"That's not going to happen, she's not even in the country. She lives in Paris, and Kinshasa."

"Paris. His wife lives in Paris? And where the hell is Kinshasa."

"Kinshasa, it's in the Congo. John lived overseas for a few years, he worked in the Congo and Darfur at an IDP camp for a while."

"Like Africa?"

"Uh huh. He volunteered with an NGO."

"Wow. Sounds like a busy guy. Well, you're trip to Chicago was…eventful, you brought home a man, which is my kind of souvenir." Lexi gave her a wicked grin.

"Stop. Please don't let anyone hear you say that, I'll never hear the end of it. I missed my train, he drove me home."

"What! He drove you home…from Chicago…because you missed your train? That's about the best story I've heard all week. Most guys barely even drive you home after a date when you live in the same city. He drove you hundreds of miles, and then takes you for lunch? Wait, doesn't the guy have a job to go to? He's unemployed?"

Susan gave Lexi a look. "Unemployed? Hardly, he can afford to build a whole health center, it's not like he's broke and lives in mommy and daddy's basement. He's an Attending at County, he just spent almost 4 years in Africa volunteering as a doctor, and he is on two Board of Directors, and he's not even 40 years old."

"Now I am really jealous. I'm going to have to live vicariously through you."

 

Carter looked up at the clock as he heard keys in the door. He had made them a nice dinner, planning it so he could put the finishing touches on once she got home.

"I could get used to this." Susan dropped her bags, then gave him a kiss. "It smells good."

"Don't get too excited, you haven't tasted it yet, I am not the best cook. Besides, it won't happen all the time, trust me. I just had time on my hands today, usually I end up eating out or picking something up on the way home."

Susan smiled, ah right, he was not the house husband type, he worked a lot, volunteered and was active. In short, the total opposite of Chuck.

"I am sure it will be great. Let me freshen up and we can eat." She quickly changed and washed, then joined John in the kitchen where he was dishing out food onto plates. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he pulled her in for another kiss and a warm hug.

"Sit." He motioned to the table, then brought her plate.

"Thank you, this is really nice, coming home to a hot meal, and good company." She picked up her wine glass and sipped. "Great wine too."

After eating, Carter ran her a hot bath, and let her relax after a long day at work while he cleaned up the kitchen. It didn't take long, he had been cleaning as he worked, so by the time she came out wrapped in a fluffy robe, he was all done.

"How long can you stay?" She curled up on the couch beside him.

"For sure I have to drive back Wednesday."

"So soon?" She was disappointed, she had hoped he could be around a bit longer, she was enjoying the company.

"I have an appointment I can't miss in a couple days, so I need to drive back."

"You can't reschedule it?"

"No, I can't. It's a doctor's appointment, my nephrologist, and I have to keep on schedule. If I don't go then it might be a week or two to get in, and that doesn't work."

"Oh, right, then you should not miss it. I'll miss you."

Despite it being only a couple days, Susan was loving having him around.

"Well, maybe we _should_ keep seeing each other. Like you suggested. Maybe you could come back up to Chicago on your next days off, and I will try to come down when I can." Carter was enjoying being around Susan again, the relationship was evolving, even in the few days since the opening. She had brought up the idea of them dating, and he was all for it.

Susan after all was an accomplished, beautiful, intelligent woman. He could spend a lot of time dating, and not find anyone more compatible, or as amazing as her.

"Maybe we need to exchange schedules, and see how we can make this work, I need to figure out things for Cosmo too, since he is in school."

"Of course, so for now I might have to try and get down to see you? I can do a certain amount of work from here, but how would you feel about it? With Cosmo, can I still stay with you, or would you prefer I get a hotel room?"

"I think you should stay here. Chuck doesn't make his new woman sleep elsewhere, and I know you. You aren't a stranger, someone unknown that I have to worry about being around my son. If it were someone else I might not feel the same way, but if we are going to try and make this work, then we have to commit to it."

"And if you come to Chicago then you can bring Cosmo whenever you like. I am looking for a house anyway, I was going to set up a guest room."

Susan nodded. "Okay, next visit we will try to have with Cosmo around, I want him to get to know you."

The next couple of days went all too quickly, Susan at work during the day, their nights spent talking, and making love. Wednesday morning, they shared a long kiss and hug, before they parted ways, Susan off to the ER, and John on his way home to Chicago.


	9. After All

Over the next month Susan spent more and more time with John. He came down to see her regularly, and every second weekend, when Cosmo was with Chuck, she went to see him in Chicago.

She was the happiest she had been in quite a long time and it was showing at work. Lexi teased her constantly, and now of course most of the ER...and most of the hospital really...knew she had a very rich boyfriend, she wasn't kidding when she told John that her new work was even worse than being at County.

The rumour mill was brutal at best and she swore that people had been researching who he was once it became clear he had money. He was his usual self, but he was always very well dressed when he showed up at the ER and someone had seen the car. That was pretty much the give away, the fancy sports car.

The Chief of Staff had even made a comment to her, asking how long she had known him.

True to form, John didn't even twitch, though he knew people were talking about it.

"So they all know right? Who I am?"

Susan shrugged. "Yes, they connected your name with the Carter Center and the Carter Family Foundation. Everyone at work knows you're really rich, and the comments are getting kind of tiring really."

"Now you know how I feel. Whatever, it will die down soon enough."

"I did have an interesting request though. You know our Chief Resident?"

"Mmhm, I talk to him all the time when I come in. He seems all right, if a little...scattered."

"He is scattered, he was not my choice and I have tried working with him, but I need a whole day of following him around, or maybe even a few to fix what is going wrong at the front desk. Would you be willing to come in a consult for a couple days? Shadow him, and see what is going astray out there? I am not in the ER enough, I am out at meetings. No medical stuff obviously, hands off, you aren't licensed in Iowa right?"

"No I'm not. So you want me to just teach the guy what, how to properly run the board? Supervise? Set up the desk so it actually works? All the things he is not doing now?"

Susan laughed. "Wow, you noticed?"

"Sure, I often have to wait for you, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what is going on out there. I can see some County influences there, but the staff seems kind of resistant to change, I notice that things are not consistent, depending on who is on, it changes. The Chief Resident is not strong enough to just put his foot down and insist it all stay the same. He is not efficient at running or clearing the board, there is a ton of cherry picking, and your wait times and satisfaction scores must be suffering."

Susan nodded. "Yes. So, I know sometimes you are down here and don't have a lot to do...would you be up for the challenge?"

"Yes, I would. I have to admit, when I'm in Chicago I have way more to do, I can only do so much long distance, and I have seen a lot of what there is to see. I'm a little bored some days."

"I can tell, but you have been great with Cosmo, he loves that you are picking him up from school on my days instead of having to do the after school program."

"He's a great kid, I like spending time with him. We have a lot of fun."

"I know, John, and I appreciate it. So when can you start?"

"I'm here for the next few days, do you know what his schedule is?"

"Days...I can put him on days with a minor adjustment, and I know he is in tomorrow at 7am. If you worked with him tomorrow? Just leave when it's time to get Cosmo, he's with Chuck tonight, so we don't have to get him to school in the morning."

The next morning Susan took John in to work with her.

"Jason, I am your shadow for a few days."

Jason looked quickly at Susan, the back at John. "Seriously? She asked and you agreed?"

"Yes, it's not that big of a deal. I'm in town, and have a bit of free time. I can't do any medical procedures obviously, but I can help you learn to run a board, we can get the desk running properly. First thing is we are going to get organized and stop the cherry picking."

Jason looked at him blankly.

Susan raised an eyebrow at John, she was behind Jason. Her comment came back to his mind...not the sharpest knife in the drawer sometimes.

"You have triage, they are supposed to prioritize right? So, those patients go first, of course, but after that, they patients have to be taken in order, I noticed that you have quite a few med students who are looking for specific procedures...the 'cool stuff'. That happens everywhere we used to try it when we were med students too, but you can't let people get away with it. The motto is 'there are no small patients', everyone needs to be attended to, and if you want to clear a board you have to make sure that even the so called 'boring' procedures are taken care of in a timely way."

"Right...gotcha. So where do we start?"

"Let's reorganize this admit desk. We had a really streamlined system that worked at County and it was a super high volume level 1 trauma center. As soon as that is done, we stop the cherry picking, it will be much easier to spot. Then I am going to teach you how to run that board efficiently and I am going to show you some tricks to utilize your med students and residents far better. You are taking on too much yourself, you need to work a pyramid so to speak. You have a couple of Attending here each shift, they are run off their feet because you are not managing your work load efficiently."

"How do you know all this stuff?"

"Well, for one, great teachers in a high volume trauma center, two, I was the Chief Resident for over a year, three, I am an Attending at County, four, I ran an IDP camp in Darfur and five, I am setting up a health care center in Chicago. Lots of experience is what it boils down to."

Susan gave a little wave, seeing John had Jason already on board, and she felt a little better about spending her day in meetings. She missed being in the ER more, it seemed like life right now was meeting after meeting.

Carter enjoyed his day immensely. He got to know the ER staff a bit better, and by the end of the day, the change in how things were running was noticeable. He left to pick up Cosmo, and Lexi came on shift and looked around.

"Where is the backlog of patients?" She had been dreading coming in, but she found that the desk and board were well under control.

Jason looked up from where he was reviewing charts. "Oh we made a few changes today, Dr. Carter came in a helped."

"Susan's Dr. Carter?"

Susan had just come in to see how things were going and heard the comment. "Well, I don't think he's mine per se, he's not a puppy."

Lexi laughed. "You know what I mean. What the heck happened in here, it is like a new place, I come in and there aren't a ton of old minor medicals still sitting in the waiting room? The board is practically clear and the desk is actually tidy. Even on a slow day I never see it this clear."

"I asked John a big favor, he is going to come in for a few days and help Jason revamp how we are running things. I just haven't had time with all the meetings and the Attending have all been worked off their feet. John was Chief Resident in his day, he knows the expectations of the job, how to supervise and clear a board, so he is helping Jason with some efficiency. He still fills in as an Attending at County, so he is current on his knowledge too.

"I like it. I work days tomorrow, so maybe I will have a chance to get to know him a bit more."

"He'll be here."

Jason was fiddling with a chart. "Dr. Lewis, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What is an IDP camp and where is Darfur?"

"The Sudan...it's in Africa, near Egypt and Chad."

"Africa...he worked in Africa?"

"He ran a camp for displaced persons for about 3 years or so, he went to Africa with an NGO as a volunteer doctor. How did it go Jason? Helpful? Not helpful?"

"Very helpful. The med students and residents are actually happy, they feel like they have more to do, I had no idea they were getting so bored. You should hire him on here, he gave me some interesting tips too while I was treating patients."

"Yeah, well, he is not moving to Iowa, he has too much going on in Chicago."

Lexi grinned wickedly. "Yet he seems to be in Des Moines a fair bit, why is that I wonder?"

Susan headed home with a smile on her face.

"Mommy!" Cosmo bounced over to her as she came in the door from work. "John took me to play mini-golf, then he helped me with my homework."

"Really. Aren't you a lucky boy, did you say thank you?"

"Yes, mommy." The little boy nodded vigorously.

"He was very polite, Susan, don't worry." Carter gave her kiss. "Dinner ready in 10 if you want to change?"

Susan was getting used to being spoiled, but this was crazy. He had worked most of the day in the ER, picked up Cosmo, took him to mini golf, helped with homework and dinner was ready too?

"I think I need to keep you around, quite the bundle of energy."

He gave her a little wink as she wandered off to change.

"How is the house hunt coming?" She took a bite of her chicken. "Mm, good John."

"Good, I have a couple to show you this weekend." He had been sending listings for Susan to look at, getting ideas of what she liked and didn't like. They were planning that she would drive back with him to Chicago Friday as Chuck was picking Cosmo up from school and Susan had the whole weekend off.

Cosmo pouted. "When do I get to go to Chicago, mommy? I want to go again."

"Soon, maybe next weekend. What do you think John, will that work if we come up next weekend? I think Cosmo has the Friday off school and it is my weekend. I have been pretty much working Monday through Thursday lately and so far I have been getting away with it. We could even get on the train after I am done work on Thursday."

"What time are you off?"

"4 pm? Cosmo will be done school, we should be there around 9 or 10?"

"Sounds good. I would come down, but I have a few meetings next week. I have a shift on Friday, but I am done at noon, it's just a half shift."

"Perfect. I will book us some tickets."

Carter spent the next couple of days helping in the ER, Susan was feeling pretty good about the department was running now.

The next morning Susan dropped Cosmo off at school, then walked back to the house. John had the bags in the trunk, and Susan locked up the house.

"Ready?"

"Yes, let's go."

They got out on the interstate and Susan leaned back in the seat relaxing, Carter reaching out to hold her hand for a moment before his cell phone started to ring.

"What's on the call display?" He asked her.

"Armande, F. With a very long number starting 011."

Carter held out his hand. "France." He hit the talk button. "Bonjour Fabienne, comment ça va?"

What? Carter speaking French? He pulled the car over so he could talk, Susan catching a few words of the conversation which was mostly in French. She had picked up a bit of Spanish when she lived in Phoenix. She heard something about Kem, and divorce but she didn't pick up half of it, as he was speaking fairly quickly. He finally switched to English.

"Fabienne, it's done, the decision is made. No, I can't come to Paris, I'm in Chicago." He glanced over at her. "Can I call you back later? Are you home now? Yes, I'm in the car it's not the best time to talk." He sighed as he listened to the other side of the conversation. "Je t'aime, ma chèrie. Au revoir."

He clicked his phone off and dropped it back in the console. Susan knew what je t'aime ma chèrie meant, and she couldn't help but give him a look, he had just told another another woman that he loved her.

"Oh don't look at me like that, Fabienne Armande is Kem's mom."

His mother in law? "Sorry, I guess I need to control my jealousy. What can I say, I'm passionate." She gave him a little grin, and he laughed. He remembered, he'd said that to her about being jealous over Mark. "You speak French."

"A little, it is spoken widely in the Congo and of course I was in Paris quite a bit. I am passable in basic conversation, but sometimes I have to switch to English. Fabienne is bilingual, which was helpful, but she prefers it when we talk in French. I apologize for being rude and speaking in French."

"It's okay, she is your mother in law, and I don't need to hear your personal conversations. Sorry for acting jealous, it's not like I have a right."

"You don't? So, are you seeing other guys?"

"No, of course not."

"Good, because I would be jealous if you were, and I'm not seeing other women either. You are allowed Susan, we have been seeing each other exclusively for over a month now."

He pulled out and his phone rang again.

"Popular guy." Susan looked at the call display. "Debbie."

He reached out and took the phone from her fingers.

"Debbie." He listened. "Where are you? Seattle? Can I call you later, I'm on the interstate. Right, I'll call your cell. Bye." He clicked his phone off, but he doesn't make her wonder about who she is – she was hoping not a lover. "Debbie was with me in Darfur, I've known her since the second time I went to Africa."

"So a friend?"

"Mmhm, she is with the International Red Cross."  John did not want to get into his history with Debbie, she in fact had been his first lover after he left Abby, his rebound fling, but he was getting into that with Susan, he and Debbie were now friends.

They managed to get a ways down the road and his phone remained blissfully silent. "You're close with your mother in law?"

"Quite close, actually. Fabienne is a terrific lady, she and I have always gotten along really well. Kem finally told her about the divorce and she is trying to talk me out of it, but she has to understand that it's over. She wants me to come to Paris and see her."

"I kind of gathered. She's upset?"

"Yeah, and she's pretty ill, with Cancer, and I know she doesn't want Kem to be alone, I don't think she has much time left." He sighed. "I know I need to go to Paris and see her, I want her to have a bit of time though, to understand that I'm not going to be getting back together with Kem. I can't stay married to someone just so they won't be alone, it's not much of a life."

"No, I suppose not. Just like I couldn't stay married to Chuck, the cheating bastard."

"How did you find out? About Chuck?"

"Perfume, lipstick on the collar, and an investigator with some damning pictures. It hadn't been good for a while, but he could have told me, instead of sneaking around like that."

John's cell phone rang again and she glanced at the display. "Kem."

"I'll call her later."

"You can take it, John, it's okay."

"I know, I just don't want to talk to her right now, I'll call her later. We've had too many interruptions already."

"Tell me about Debbie."

"She works for the International Red Cross. Gillian introduced her to me, and we went with her into the villages looking for Luka. About the only way we could travel with any reasonable amount of safety. She's fearless that woman. She's from Seattle originally, and when things started going south with Kem, I went with her and Stephen Dakarai into Darfur. I told her we would get together once she was back in Seattle. She probably wants to make some plans."

"Gillian, that name sounds familiar."

"The nurse from Montreal that come back from the Congo with Luka. They were an item over there, Gillian is great, but she is…..not someone you want to leave alone around any man who has the tendency to wander."

"Huh?"

"The first time I was there, we'd had a brutal night trying to save 4 patients and only 2 actually survived. So she poured us a couple drinks, Luka, her and her, everyone else had gone to bed. She gets up and looks both of us over, and says 'I'm going to bed if _anyone_ would care to join me'."

"So she gave you and Luka an open invitation to….go to bed with her?"

"Exactly. She would have been happy with either of us showing up in her room. As long as she didn't sleep alone, she was happy."

"So who went?"

He gave her a sideways glance. "Luka took her up on it. I never had anything with Gillian, she and Luka got pretty cozy though."

"So who did you get cozy with?"

"Kem."

"And that was it."

He shrugged noncommittally.

"So she wasn't the only one you got cozy with."

"Does it matter? I was single."

Susan gave him an appraising look, yup, he'd had other affairs in Africa after Abby, other than Kem.  Not that she should be surprised really, he was a good looking, smart and pretty sweet guy, he'd always been able to pick up women.

Carter's cell phone rang again.

"Does it never stop? Kem again."

He sighed and held out his hand, answering the call.

"Kem. I'm driving. On the interstate. What's the emergency?" He listened for a moment. "Later, okay? I will come and see her, but you need to make sure she understands before I do…..because we both know she is going to put pressure on me. I love your mom too, but let's not make this any harder than it already is. Kem, I'm not alone right now, so I can't…Susan…not your business…not anymore…I'll send you the name of my lawyer…have your lawyer send it to my lawyer…fine, then I'll come there and sign when the stuff is ready…Kem stop…really? How's Michel? Right, bye." He clicked the phone off and dropped it in the console. The mention of Michel seemed to shut her up about Susan, she was giving him a lecture about dating someone so quickly, but he was sure she was not sitting around by herself.

"Everyone wants a piece of you I guess."

"Yeah, I guess. Sorry, that was not really something you needed to hear, that is why I didn't want to talk to her right now, she is getting…on my nerves."

"You're getting a divorce, of course she's on your nerves, John."

"It's not only that, she is acting a bit…jealous that I had a woman in my car. Like it should matter to her, I mean come on, I would bet she's seeing Michel."

"Michelle, who is that?" Susan frowned at the name, Kem had never acted interested in women that she'd ever seen.

"Not Michelle, Susan, _Michel,_ here he would be Michael."

"Oh, Michael…so she is seeing someone?"

"Would not surprise me in the least. Anyway, have you ever been to Paris?"

"No, I've barely been anywhere. Barbados, and a few of the US States, but never Europe."

"If I have to go, you should come with me. I'm a great tour guide, I have spent a lot of time in Paris."

"I bet you are. Wouldn't that be a little weird for me to come with you? If you are seeing your mother in law, or Kem?"

"No, why would it, we would stay in a hotel. You don't have to visit Fabienne with me, or come to the lawyer, or see Kem. I don't have to spend a lot of time doing those things, we would have lots of time to sight see if we went for a week. Pick a week when Cosmo is with his dad, have a little fun in Paris?" He gave her a little suggestive smile.

"I'll think about it, though it would take me a while to save up."

"Save up? I'm inviting you to go with me, you don't need to save up. Let me spend some of my family's ill-gotten gains on you."

"So, you want to take me to Paris."

"Yes. I thought that is what I just said. Not like I can't afford it.  You have a passport right?"

"Yes, I have a passport.  You can't staff the Carter Centre, but you want to take me to Paris?"

"Well, I can now, I got some pretty good donations over the past couple months, and we are well on our way. Do you have any idea what the operating budget is for that place?"

"No."

"Well, I may not have enough to staff it without donations, but I'm also not poor, Susan. I'm not stupid enough to commit every penny of my money to the place, I gave $200 million dollars to build it. I still have a very nice trust fund that is not part of the Foundation, that is my money. Not to mention savings from working at County for 11 years. After being so ill, I will always hold back funds to live on, that won't change. I haven't spent a lot of money in the past 4 years either, not many malls in Darfur."

"Ah, right. So you are still crazy rich."

"Sure, I guess."

"Still a millionaire."

"Multi-millionaire actually, but who's counting."

"And your wife wants nothing?"

"Well, just the Paris apartment and for me to support her clinic for another 5 years…that is only $15,000 a year, I agreed to that. So, truly, she wants almost nothing from me, the apartment, I don't care, I won't use it anyway, and the clinic which I have always believed in."

"At least your gold digger alarm works. Well maybe until you got back together with me."

He gave her a look. "Very funny Susan."

"I'm kidding, and you know it. If I wanted your money I sure wouldn't have let you go back then, we'd be married with 2.5 kids."

"Or divorced with 2.5 kids. I've never figured that one out. 2.5 kids? Silly statistics."

"Divorced? You don't think it would have worked out?"

"I haven't been able to make a single relationship work out in my entire life, Susan, do you think we would have been different? I mean, it would be nice, but…I don't know how my grandparents did it, they were married just short of 60 years, I can't even manage 5."

"I would like to think so, I'm hoping that maybe we _can_ be different, though I guess it might be a little late for 2.5 kids."

"It might be too late for even 1." He sounded…unhappy, Susan caught the body language that went with the tone of voice.

"We could try though. Is it something you'd want?"  She was hoping his answer was yes, after all they were not very careful with birth control, and they were sleeping together a lot.

"A child? Very much."

"So why not?" Susan looked over at him. She could tell there was something he was not saying. "I want another baby, do you think I'm too old, do you want to date someone younger?"

"That's not it, at all, Susan. Not like we have been careful, have we?"

"I really do want to have another baby." Susan was watching him closely. "You said you would very much like one, so… it must be me then."

"It's not you." He reached over a took her hand. "Can we talk about something else for now?"

Susan looked away, trying not to get upset, pulling her hand away. "Whatever."

She could feel the tears building in her eyes, he was avoiding the conversation? This is not at all what she expected.

Carter pulled off to the side of the road, this was not a conversation he could have with her while he was driving. He turned to look at her, he could tell she was avoiding eye contact.

"Susan." His voice was gentle. "Hey, I need you to look at me, we do need to talk about this, just not in a car, while driving."

She felt his hand caress the back of her neck, and she sniffled slightly. Next thing she knew she was being pulled into his arms. She leaned into his shoulder, starting to sob. She felt like she had invested so much and it was going so well, but now it felt like he was going to end it.

"Susan, I promise it is not you. Can we put this on hold until we get to Chicago? We have a lot to discuss and this is not the time or the place for what needs to be said."

"Because you are going to tell me it's not working? That you don't want those things with me? Maybe I should just get you to take me home."

"That is _not_ what is happening here. If you really want to go home, I will take you, but I hope you will trust me enough when I say it is not what you obviously are thinking. I just can't have these kinds of conversations and be trying to concentrate on driving. Don't cry, I'm not breaking up with you...can we just get to the apartment, then we can sit and talk properly? Not on the side of the interstate?"

Susan looked up at him. "You are really not thinking you want to break up?"

"Not at all. I was kind of thinking it would be nice if we could have a nice meal, some wine, and a proper talk about where this is going. Otherwise we are never going to get to Chicago, and I want to be home before rush hour." He ran his fingers down her face, still not letting her go. "Okay? We have a date to talk tonight, about anything you want to talk about."

Susan nodded. "All right. Let's go home then, well to your home, in Chicago."  She flushed slightly, not wanting to push him, calling his place 'home'.

Carter smiled slightly, home...she was calling Chicago home? He gave her a kiss.

"Perfect. Maybe we can think about what we want to do for dinner? Go out? Order in?"

Susan was much calmer by the time they pulled into the parking at the apartment. Carter opened her door as usual, then grabbed their bags from the trunk. She could tell though, something was bothering him, and she was not sure how long she could hold off on the discussion.

Carter put the bags in the bedroom, quickly unpacking his and putting everything away. Susan opened her bag and did the same, she was used to being at his place now, so she made herself at home. She had a drawer and a few things in the closet, she didn't have to pack much anymore when she came out.

She wandered out into the main area and picked up a couple of house listings that were sitting on the table, flipping through them, seeing that John had made some notes. She looked up as he came out of the bedroom.

"Sorry, I just saw them on the table, didn't mean to be snooping."

"Don't worry about it. I was going to show those ones to you anyways, in fact I had arranged so you could see them tomorrow. Get your opinion, if you want to see them."

"They are both...really nice John. You want me to go with you?"

"Yes, I would not ask for your opinion if I didn't want it. Do you want to go? If not I can cancel the showings, but I should do that now."

"No, I would like to see them, they look amazing. Nice areas, just a bit more than I thought you would be looking for."

He shrugged. "I haven't made offers or bought anything, I am just looking. Not sure what I am going to buy yet. I've seen a few others, but you have seen the listings on those already."

Susan sighed. "Are we just going to...skirt around this?"

"Around what?" He wandered into the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Drink?"

"Yes please. I think I am going to need one." Susan turned away and went to look out the window.

"Ooookay." She was getting a bit touchy he noted.  He poured them each a glass of wine from a chilled bottle, moving up behind her and reaching around in front of her with a glass.

She took it from his hand, leaning back slightly into him as his arm circled around her waist, pulling her against him.

"Talk to me." He said softly into her hair.

Susan took a sip of her wine. "I don't know what to say John. Other than, I want an answer, you seem to be avoiding my question. Is it me, is it too fast, or is it just something you don't want?"

He turned her, took her hands and looked at her for a very long moment, and knew he had to tell her. She was offering everything, _everything_ , but he might not be able to give her _that_. He could feel his heart almost stop, he felt like he could just cry.

"Please, please say something." Susan was getting concerned.

"Sorry, I just..." Carter stopped. This was harder than he thought, he almost couldn't say it. What if it was so important to her, that she might change her mind about being together, once he told her what was bothering him.

Susan felt he had been receptive initially, but now he was hesitating. Why?

"I don't want to wait, to be honest, I would like to have another baby sooner rather than later. And you, John, you should be a dad. I've always thought you should have kids. We would be such awesome parents together, and I bet the baby would be super cute."

"Well, it turned out not to be my choice, I would have loved a family. I almost did have one, as you know. But I don't know it its possible now."

"You don't know?"

"Kidney transplant, Susan. I had to take a lot of drugs, and you know what renal failure does to the body. I was in full failure before they found me one, I was on the UNOS list for a while. I just don't know. Things work, and I am really happy about that, but I have no idea if I could give you a child."

Of course, Susan thought, should have thought of that, _really_ should have thought of that.  

"You didn't get tested?"

Carter felt a wave of sadness as he remembered how much he had always wanted a child.

"I didn't bother, there was not really any point in worrying about it at the time, Kem and I were falling apart, and she didn't deal well with losing our son. Even years later, she still can't even talk about having another child, Susan. It is complicated, the whole thing with her and kids…I don't even want to get into it."

"You don't have to, let's just talk about us. Tell me what you are thinking?"

"What if I can't, does it change how you feel about being together? I would like to have a child, Susan, I just don't know if it's possible. I mean, we haven't even been super careful and it hasn't happened, so it might not. Then again we've only been seeing each other a couple months, so it might, but if it doesn't then what?"

Carter felt relief as Susan shook her head, he really cared about her, and having her walk away would be difficult. They had been getting very close over the past couple of months.

"No. It doesn't change how I feel about it at all. Like any couple, fertility is not a guarantee, I might not get pregnant, even if everything is good with you, I'm over 40, John. It is going to be harder for me too. It took about 6 months to get pregnant with Cosmo, and that was almost 7 years ago. I guess the question becomes, would you be willing to try and have a baby. If it works, it works, if not, then we still have each other, kind of like every other couple out there who has tried and been unable to have a baby. Or we look and see what other options we have."

"It's something we both want, so yes, I would be willing to try, I mean, in a way we kind of are...we aren't using condoms, and you aren't really using anything that I'm aware of. Knowing you are serious, I can get the testing done if you want. In fact, I probably should, it would make sense, that way we can make decisions based on fact rather than just guessing."

"You're right of course, we've been playing Russian Roulette in a way...but you knew that right?"

"If I was worried about it I would have made a point of asking and we would be using condoms every time, and we don't, it felt like we made a choice the first night and we have just gone with it.  If it happened?  I would be okay with it, I though you knew that, maybe we should have talked more about this before."

"Yeah, probably, I mean, I am getting all uptight here for no reason, you're right, we did make a decision that night, thought it was kind of in the heat of the moment and we didn't discuss it afterwards.  When is your next appointment?"

"Not for a month or so, but I can make an appointment next week for testing, that is not something I have to wait to do."

"So, is that what was really bothering you?"

"Yes. I didn't know how you would react to what I had to tell you. It could very well make or break us, and I know that."

"No, it won't. If you really care about someone, it won't make or break the relationship."

Carter bit his lip. "Yeah, right, Susan. I hate to tell you how wrong you are, my marriage fell apart and a good part of that was about losing a child. Not being on the same page anymore. Sure, there were other issues, but love is not always enough. Trust me on that one."

"If your son was alive, do you think you would still be together?"

"No one could know for sure, but I would say there would be a good chance the answer to that is yes? You have no idea what it was like, that day. I hope you never have to know, but it changed her forever, and she has never really come back, the woman I met when I first went to Africa? She's gone."

Susan slid her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry. I have been lucky, I have not lost a child, and I hope I never do, you're right I can't know."

"It's okay, Susan. We have both been through a lot with our marriages, and past relationships."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes, of course."

"Did she cheat? Kem? You seem to so sure about Michel."

"Yeah, she did, and admitted it and it was with Michel. And I have to be honest, once I knew she was, I wasn't so worried about being faithful to her. Not something you want to hear I'm sure, but there was someone else for me as well once I knew. That might make you feel differently about everything. Once I knew she cheated, it was the beginning of the end, but I am not blameless either."

"So your excuse is she did it first?"

"I'm not making excuses, I'm just telling you the truth. I didn't feel the need to be faithful to her once she cheated, we were rarely in the same time zone, I should have ended our marriage the minute I knew. I don't know why I didn't, I guess I wasn't quite ready to let go. You can accept it or not, I just didn't want you to find out at some later date and be upset about it. If you don't want this relationship to go any further because of it, then you need to say so now. Your husband cheated on you, I get it if it upsets you, I hope that it isn't the end of us, but I am not going to hide the truth. It didn't make it right, but what she did was not right either."

Susan leaned her forehead against his chest. "I am not happy to hear it, but I can't get upset about it either. She cheated on you and I have to admit I had thoughts about going out and having an affair the minute I knew Chuck cheated on me. What I need to ask is that you don't do it to me…we have both been on the receiving end and if you ever feel like our relationship is not working, I want you to be honest with me. I promise to do the same for you. Anything else I should know?"

"I don't think so...isn't that enough? I slept with someone else when I was married and we might or might not be able to have a child together. Pretty big revelations for one day."

"Technically I'm sleeping with you while you are still married too I guess. Did...the other woman know?"

"Yes, she absolutely knew what was going on. It was an affair, Susan, not love on either of our part, both for our own reasons. And now I'm separated and working on the divorce. What we are doing, it is not really the same thing as cheating on my wife, right?"

"No, it's not, you're right. I can accept the circumstances and thank you for being honest." Susan was surprised that she was not all that upset about what he'd told her. She really did understand, and she was not going to condemn him for it.

"Anything else you want to know?"

"Yes, can we have some dinner?"

Carter nodded. "Yes. We can do that. Let's go."

Carter took her to a nice but casual restaurant, then they went for a walk along the lake shore. Susan realized she had missed this about Chicago and she was seriously thinking now that she needed to come back. Given the conversation they'd had, and the fact that he was taking her out to see houses...that just made her even more certain.


	10. Simply Falling

Sunday night Carter put Susan on the train, giving her a warm kiss. He had some meetings and appointments this week in town, so she was going to be on her own for a few days.

"It was a good weekend, thank for your help with the house." John's arms were secure around her, and Susan looked up into his eyes, feeling a bit of hope for the future.

"You're welcome. It was fun, I haven't been house shopping in a long time, and when we bought the one in Des Moines there weren't that many to look at."

She found her seat, then waved out the window as she pulled out. What was it about this platform? The same one as when she left for Phoenix, the same one as when she came back for the opening. Now it was the one she was waving goodbye from yet again, this time to John, but knowing that she would be back soon.

She leaned back and closed her eyes, trying to have a bit of a nap along the way, but her mind kicking in. It had been a good weekend, making love at night, falling asleep in his arms, waking up in his arms just to make love again.

They had spent Saturday looking at houses, it was more than a 'couple' of houses that John had arranged, there were 5 in total. He had listened to her comments, made a lot of notes and asked a ton of questions of the realtors. In the end there were two great choices. One of them Susan liked the house better overall, the location, yard, and layout were more her style, but it needed major renovations. The other one was more modern inside but she did not like the yard or layout as much. She and John had discussed both options seriously but she was not sure what was going to happen.  She kind of had her heart set on the one that was the 'fixer upper', but she was not sure it was her call, she didn't have access to the kind of money needed to get the house liveable, and John did, so in her mind it was his decision, not hers.  Though he seemed to have taken note of all her comments on the houses they'd seen.

Cosmo was still with Chuck until the evening, so she went into work a bit early, locking herself in her office. She turned on her computer, then starting searching job postings for Chicago.

She heard the ding and the envelope symbol popped up on her email. She opened it curiously.

"Who are you, Todd Becker?" She mumbled as she started to scan the email. Susan sat back, sipping her morning latte. Well. He didn't play around, did he? She had made mention that she was thinking more about the move to Chicago, and here were job listings.

She opened the attachment and started reading the job listings for the Carter Center. Then her email binged again, and she noted it was from County, followed shortly by another from Northwestern and another from Rush. All were asking her to let them know when she would be in town, that Dr. John Carter had sent her resume with his personal recommendation and they would be interested in interviewing her.

She picked up her phone and dialed the number from memory.

"Good morning sunshine." John recognized the number and picked up his phone, he was grabbing coffee and about to sit down with Todd for a meeting.

"What are all these emails? I make one comment and you have four hospitals that want to interview me? All before 8 am on a Monday morning. What are you, some sort of magic genie?"

"No, I just sent your resume out last night to some of my contacts, with a recommendation. I know these people really well, when I send them something, they take it seriously. Sorry if I overstepped, you did say you wanted to see if you could find a decent position in Chicago, right? Isn't that why we updated your resume?"

"Yes, but four, John. Before 8 am?" She took another sip of her coffee. "So you have the inside track, what are the salaries for these jobs that a Mr. Todd Becker sent me?"

"Which ones?" Carter dropped into a chair at the table across from Todd, and clicked his pen, writing the positions on the paper in front of him. "Todd? Salary ranges?"

Susan sighed. "Yes, can you ask him? It would be good to know."

"I just did, he is sitting right here, we are just starting a meeting."

"Oh, sorry, I didn't realize, should I call back later?"

"No, it's fine, it's just the two of us this morning and we are talking about candidates for these positions.  I always have time for you."  He said this last part softly.

Todd pulled the paper over in front of him, wrote down some figures then slid it back. Carter read them off for the positions Susan mentioned. Susan could feel the breath catch in her throat.

"Are you for real? Those are the salaries? With tenure and benefits?"

"Yes. Do you want to see Todd on Friday afternoon? You can bring Cosmo over to the hospital in the morning and I'll take him while you two meet?" He lifted a brow at Todd in inquiry, Todd nodded then wrote down 1 PM at the Carter Center.

"Yes, what time?"

"1 o'clock at the Center. Can I call you later? I need to get through this meeting."

They signed off, and Susan replied to the other emails, letting them know she would be available on Friday afternoon.

She felt blown away, it has been less than 24 hours and the job offers were literally jamming up her mailbox. This was so incredibly crazy she started to laugh. Lexi knocked at her door and came in, shutting it behind her.

"What is so funny?"

"You will not believe how many job offers I have in my mailbox."

Lexi sat down across from her. "Job offers? You're leaving?"

Susan looked at her friend. "Don't say anything yet, please? John wants me to move back to Chicago, we looked at houses on the weekend."

"You can't go. Who am I going to hang out with, bitch about lousy dates with? He should move here."

"He can't Lex, he has some pretty serious commitments up in Chicago, including a major health center. He would be commuting up there all the time. Just think, you can come up and visit me in Chicago, or maybe you should think about moving too."

"Right. And how would I get a job?"

"Oh, I might be able to help with that, I will let you know how my interviews go. You know John sent my resumes in for me and now I have several interview offers.

"How many?" Lexi furrowed her brow.

"Four. In less than 24 hours, I have interviews at four different hospitals."

"This guy knows how to pull a few strings. He wouldn't help me out the same way though, would he?"

"Maybe, he has spent time working with you, Lexi. Would you seriously think about moving?"

"I don't know. Certainly a bigger crop of men up in Chicago, but I have never lived there. Maybe I should try visiting you first?"

"Absolutely. I won't be going for a while."

"You sure are spending a lot of time up there. Hey, we should go out this weekend."

Susan looked sheepish. "Sorry, I can't. I have interviews in Chicago on Friday, and I am supposed to spend the weekend with John. I promised Cosmo he could come as well."

Lexi shook her head. "You have got it bad for him. At least he seems like a good guy, Jason is singing his praises. You know what? Even Tessa remarked on how well the ER is performing over the last week, she is amazed at the increase in productivity if you can imagine."

"Yeah, well, John knows his stuff. He was a fantastic Chief Resident, and he has a lot of experience in a busy ER. Des Moines is nothing compared to County in patient volume. It is kind of Jason to sing praises and all, but he should have been able to handle it without me arranging a babysitter for him."

Susan worked the rest of the week, swearing Lexi to secrecy.

Susan and Cosmo boarded the train Thursday after school, John was waiting patiently for them at the station.

"John!" Cosmo ran up to Carter giving him a big hug. Susan could not help but smile, her son had really taken a shine to Carter.

"Hey little buddy, how was school this week?"

"Boring. I just wanted to come to Chicago."

Carter ruffled his hair with a smile, then gave Susan a hug and kiss, then took her bag. "Ready to go to my place?"

"Yes!" Cosmo skipped along happily, excited when John strapped him into the back seat.

Friday morning, John gave Susan a kiss, trying not to wake her as he headed out the door. His shift started at 6 am, so it was still early. They had arranged for her to come by the hospital, Cosmo could hang out with him in the ER for a bit while she meet with Cate Banfield, then she would be off to see Todd, and interview at Northwestern and Rush.

Sam recognized her, and buzzed her in right away.

"Dr. Lewis, nice to see you."

"Hi Sam, good to see you too."

Jerry was at the admit desk. "Dr. Lewis! What are you doing back in Chicago?"

"Oh, just visiting. Is John around?"

"Who?"

"Dr. Carter?"

"Oh, right, Carter." Jerry pointed down the hall. "Trauma 1, major MVA came in. You could wait in the lounge?" He looked at Cosmo holding her hand, knowing she was not going to want him to see what was going on in the Trauma room.

Chuney and Haleh saw her and came over for hugs. "So good to see you! Banfield said something about you doing an interview? You're coming back?"

"Maybe. Coming back to Chicago, yes, to County? I don't know, I have several interviews set up."

Morris came by and seemed surprised to see her, but he'd heard the interview comments. "Hey, you should talk to Carter. I think he's in today, maybe you can ask him for a job at his new Center."

Susan laughed. "I have spoken to him already, in fact I am here to see him when he is done with his patient."

John came out of the trauma room, a surgeon with him, ready to take the stabilized patient up to surgery. He smiled when he saw Susan and Cosmo, looking at his watch and snapped off his gloves, throwing them in the bin.  Cosmo ripped his hand away from Susan and bounded over.

"John!"

"Hey buddy, you going to hang out with me for a bit so mommy can go for a meeting?"  He picked the boy up and gave him a hug before dropping him back to his feet lightly.  He took his hand and strolled over to admit. "Ready? I can take a break for a bit, and Cosmo can help Jerry here at admit if needed too."

They could feel Chuney staring at them, she had one of those looks on her face. She was figuring it out, it was going to hit her soon, Susan thought.  Cosmo was acting very familiar with John, it was obvious the boy knew him pretty well.

Carter erased a couple patients off the board, and then handed off some charts to Morris with a string of instructions. He held out his hand to Cosmo, and they started towards the lounge. Once they were inside, with no one around, John finally gave her a kiss.

"Okay, go for your interview, Cosmo and I will go get something to eat."

Susan stepped into the elevator, followed closely by Chuney. It was empty aside from the two of them.

"So, Susan. What's going on with you and Carter? Are you two knocking boots?"

"Knocking boots?"

"Yeah, the horizontal mambo, doing the nasty, you know, getting it on? Not that it would be the first time, you two were cozy when you come back to County."

"We are seeing each other, it that is what you want to know."

Chuney nodded. "I knew it. I could tell, the way he was looking at you, and your little boy seems to know him pretty well too. You must be spending some serious time together."

"A bit, yes. One of the reasons I'm considering coming back to Chicago, long distance dating is not really that great."

Chuney grinned at her. "Ah, right. He looks a lot happier lately, which might be because he has a new girlfriend. A new attractive blond girlfriend, his favourite type."

Susan shook her head as the doors opened and Chuney gave a wave as she left.

Susan spent the afternoon doing her interviews while John took care of Cosmo. By the time she was done, she had a pretty clear idea of what was available, and which jobs she really wanted.

Carter looked up as she came in the door of the apartment, exhausted after the busy afternoon. He and Cosmo were playing a board game, they had been out most of the afternoon and now were just waiting for the take out to arrive.

"How did it go?"

"Great, actually. We will have some talking to do, but I am going to have a couple offers to review."

"Perfect. We ordered in, should be here soon."

"I am so tired and hungry, that is such good news." She kicked off her shoes and gave both a hug and kiss.

After dinner they all settled down for a movie, then they tucked the little boy into bed. John poured them each a small glass of wine and they sat on the couch, Susan cuddled into his arms.

"So, any positions that you like?" John dove right in, he wanted to see if she was serious about moving down to Chicago.

"Yes there are. Can I ask you something though?"

"Absolutely."

"Todd Becker. So he told me he was going to send along a job offer in the next couple days. It is the job I really want out of all of the one I interviewed for today. I don't want to take it...if I am just getting the job because you recommended me."

John turned and tipped her chin up so she could look into his eyes.

"My recommendation helps, it would help any applicant get in the door. But in your case, you would have gotten an interview whether I sent your resume or not. Todd had it with him when we met the other day, and he commented that you had held some very relevant positions and you had well rounded job experience. You didn't just walk into hospital management with a fancy degree, you worked your way up the food chain so to speak. He respects that. He checked out some of your references before he interviewed you."

"He phoned my references? So my work knows I'm looking?"

"No, he didn't phone your current job, they have no idea. Until you accept the offer, this is still confidential from the hospital in Des Moines. But aren't they in the least bit suspicious since they know I live in Chicago?

"I don't know John, maybe? But it has been a short time, so maybe they think nothing of it? Or since you are down there so much you have the freedom to move, the Chief of Staff was almost salivating when she found out you had consulted for us in the ER. I think she would offer you a job in a heartbeat, you really turned things around down there. I don't know whether to be happy or jealous, the administration really sat up and took notice, they were congratulating me on the turn around."

"You got some positive recognition for fixing the problem? That's a good thing, baby. I am sure they all get the fact that you could not be down there babysitting, but being Chief you still recognized the problem and took necessary steps to fix it. That is management, really good management."

"I feel like I should have done it long ago, but I just didn't have the time to shadow the guy and no one else gets how County used to run like you do. Like you should be getting the credit."

"Don't worry about it...I don't really care if I get the credit Susan, you knew there was a problem, you fixed it. Asking for help to fix it was smart, you don't need to be a one man show. I rely on a whole team, do you think the Carter Center would be where it is now if I hadn't pulled in a strong team? I had my vision, and I insisted the plans reflect that, but the actual operations...there were working models in place, so that is where Todd came into the picture. He was successful in setting these up, in places like East Harlem and other areas of New York."

"What's your point?"

"My point is - Todd won't hire anyone that can't do the job, no matter who refers them. He knows I have a vested interest here. I have spent over $200 million dollars on this project Susan, if you think we are going to hire a bunch of Jason's or Morris's to work there? You're crazy. Morris turned out to be decent, but we are looking for top people, Todd knows the right people when he sees them, he has hired for all these positions before for other places and knows if you are a fit from your resume and the interview. He's brilliant, organized and astute, and he has done this process several times. If he is offering a job you want, take the damn job, he would not put you in a position he didn't think you could handle."

"So you are not offering Archie Morris a job?"

"No, but he is going to volunteer on occasion. I've worked with him regularly since I got home from Africa, and he surprised the hell out of me, he grew up...matured and takes his job seriously now. He is not cut out for management, but he is willing to give a bit of his time."

"Wow. So you really are not just trying to get me to move with a sweet job offer?"

"Hm, well, I truly want you to move, but I would not have even suggested you apply to the Center if I didn't think it would work. I know a lot of people in health care, and would never offer them jobs. You don't see me trying to get Kerry back here do you?"

Susan laughed. "You didn't suggest she apply?"

"Nope. Don't get me wrong, she is a great doctor, she loves paperwork, and personally she and I get along most of the time, but there are a couple of issues. One is the flip from her being the boss to me being the boss, she would not reconcile that very well and two she is beyond competitive and is not above throwing you under the bus. You know that's true."

"Of course it's true, I think you and I have both been under the bus because of Kerry Weaver. Though she always liked you way more than me."

"And she still ran me over, just think what she would have done to me if I hadn't known her as well as I do. There is a reason I think that I ended up living in her apartment, otherwise I would not be a doctor right now, I could almost bet that I would have been fired."

"That would be a shame if you had lost your job."

"And it would be a shame if you didn't take a good job because you are worried about nepotism or favourtism or whatever you wish to call it. Is it a better job than what you have, are you going to be happier here than in Des Moines? Can you move with Cosmo? Those are the real questions, Susan."

Susan fell silent. So much change so quickly, but she had not been this happy in a very long time. If she chose not to make the move, then she was not sure her relationship with John could last. The Center would be opening to the public in a short time, and he was going to only get busier. Which meant fewer trips to see her in Iowa. Plus if they seriously wanted to have a child, then she needed to be with him, all the time, she wasn't looking to be a single mom with two kids, she wanted him in her life.

Carter relaxed in the silence, let her have some time to think. He was not going to push her to make a decision, drag her kicking and screaming to Chicago. He wanted her to truly _want_ to be here with him.

The truth was, he felt he'd had too many relationships where he did the majority of the giving and sacrificing. It was certainly true with Kem, he had given up everything to be with her, and in the end it was not what she wanted.

Abby, he had tried with her too, but again, he was far more serious about the relationship than she was, apparently. He really felt for Luka, having to almost force her to make the decision to marry him, which ended up with her cheating and falling back into her alcoholism. He had no doubt what Susan said was true, and he was glad it was not him on the receiving end of that betrayal from Abby. He'd faced that kind of betrayal from Kem, and to a smaller extent Harper when they were first dating.

"John, do you want me to move here?"

"Yes, I do. But in the end it is not my decision, it's yours."

"You are just not doing much to talk me into it, so I had to ask."

He sighed. "You know why I am not trying to talk you into it right?"

Susan shook her head. "Not really, I guess I want you to be as excited about it as me."

She gave him a searching look, his hand coming up to rest on her cheek, gently stroking her face with his thumb.

"I need you to make the decision because it is really what you want, not because I want you to be here. You have to understand that, Susan, I gave up everything to move to Africa, to be part of someone's life, but it turned out to be the wrong thing. You gave me the example the other day, Luka had to practically force Abby to marry him, and look how that turned out. I don't want that for us. I would rather you just say right now that you can't see us being together, that you don't want to move than have you move and then regret it. I don't want us both to have those kind of regrets about us."

Susan frowned slightly. "So, your lack of excitement is more self preservation?"

"I don't know...maybe to some extent. I need _you_ to _want_ to be here, if you are not excited about being here then to me that is a sign that maybe you aren't ready to be here. Maybe you never will be. I would be disappointed if that is the case, but make the decisions for yourself. Know that I would love for you to move in with me, but if your heart is not in it, then don't do it, for both our sakes.  It would be easier to call it quits right now than have you move here and decide you want to back in Des Moines, I don't think I could go through it, Susan.   I don't know what else to say."

Susan nodded slowly, she was understanding something she hadn't given a lot of thought about. He was showing his vulnerable side to her. She knew he'd been badly hurt in the past, by more than one woman, but Kem, she had been the most damaging to him. Abby had never been the right woman for him, but he had still learned some valuable lessons, that was evident.

Susan could relate, she'd had some bad relationships too, going right back to Div leaving her so suddenly. Part of her hesitation now was that John was holding back on her, but she could suddenly see he was trying to avoid making the mistake of pushing her too hard to make a decision. One that he felt she would regret if her heart was not in it. It made so much sense to her all of the sudden, he really did want her to move here, but based on his past experiences he was probably afraid of putting too much pressure on her, of things ending badly, he was afraid of getting hurt again.

"I don't want to hurt you."  She whispered this softly, looking into his eyes, which at the moment were unreadable.

She loved this guy, he had matured so much in the time since they'd dated back when she'd returned to County. This was like an upgraded Carter 3.0 version, the things that were of concern back then just didn't apply.

Susan put down her wine glass and turned in his arms. They both sat for a long moment as she looked up into his eyes, then wrapped her hand around the back of his neck, pulling him so his lips met hers. She opened her mouth, exploring his with her tongue, letting him pull her across his lap as the kiss deepened.

Susan was very aware that they were in the living room, and knew where this was going to end up. She broke off the kiss, taking his hand and leading him into the bedroom, pushing the door shut and turning the lock. Cosmo was a sound sleeper, but she never wanted him walking in on them during sex.

She slid her hands under his shirt, tugging it upwards. "Off." She whispered.

John complied in a quick smooth movement, then he was working on her blouse, easing it off her shoulders and letting it slither to the ground as his fingers found the zipper of her skirt. Susan was busy undoing his pants, she slid her hands down into the back, cupping his wonderfully tight ass.

Susan felt the bed against the back of her legs, during the all the foreplay he had managed to maneuver her across the room. She sank back, supported by his arms, his body covering hers like a warm blanket.

He entered her with a gentle but firm thrust, and they rocked together, John brushed his fingertips over her face, as if memorizing her with his fingertips. He watched her closely as he used long strokes in and out. She was beautiful, her green eyes slightly dusky with desire, her lips parted and hair fanned out on the pillow. Her soft scent filled his nostrils and he inhaled her deeply.

Susan looked up into his dark chocolate eyes and felt mesmerized as she ran her fingers across the nape of his neck then into his hair. Her other hand stroked up and down his back slowly, as she felt the dips and valleys. So warm and alive, smooth and firm, it felt so wonderful to be in his arms, having him love her like this.

He moved very slightly and changed his speed and she felt the tingle start in her belly and work downwards. Small soft oh's of pleasure escaped her parted lips with each thrust of his hips. She let her hips rise up to meet him faster, she brought her knees up instinctively.

Carter could feel her smooth walls start to contract slightly, then relax, and he knew she was almost there and it hit like a tidal wave. He could feel her clamp tight around him, almost vice like, and her low cry, he let himself go with his own low groan.

He turned them enough to take his weight off her and lay shaking slightly, with his head buried in her neck.

Susan could feel her limbs tingling and John's warm body resting almost on her, but without any real weight. She kept her arms around his shoulder, she could feel him twitching slightly.

"I think I love you." Susan whispered into his hair. "This is so crazy, I'm falling in love with you."

John turned them both, cradling her against him. "No so crazy. I fell in love with you a long time ago."

Susan raised her eyes to meet his, silently caressing his face with her fingertips, then tilting her head up to kiss him. They lay there for some time, just sharing soft, light, but sensual kisses.

"I'm moving to Chicago. I am going to take the job." She said softly.

"Good, I want you here, Susan, so much. I have something for you." He reached into the bedside drawer and handed her a small box with a bow on top. Susan carefully undid it and opened the box, feeling mildly disappointed.

"A key chain?" It was a very nice key chain, but still, not very romantic Susan was thinking.

"Yes, a key chain. You look disappointed."

"No, it's uh, nice."

Carter laughed. "Nice huh. Liar. Maybe this will help." He dug out a second box.

"Is it a new car?" She joked with him.

"Open it."

This time the box held a set of keys. But not for a car. These were...house keys.

"Are these…for your place?  I have apartment keys already, John."  Susan held them up, thinking they looked different from the ones from he had given her for this place.

"The house will be ready in a few weeks."

Susan sat up suddenly. "The house? You bought a house?"

"Uh huh."

"Which one?" Susan was wide eyed now. He'd bought a house. "And how do you have keys already?"

"You know the one you liked so much, but it needed work? It was vacant, the owners wanted a quick sale, so I made a bit of a low ball offer and they took it. It really does need renovation, but I had it inspected and the structure itself is really great."

"So you're renovating it, and you have possession already."

"Yes, and I had a designer go in with me. Do you want to see the plans?"

"Is that what you have been up to this week? Buying a house and meeting with a designer?"

"Among other meetings and appointments, yes. The plans are not firm yet, I wanted to wait and talk to you. Since you are planning to move, I thought you might like some input into the renovations, make the house what we both want it to be, make it home."

"What if I had decided not to move?"

"Well, I would have treated it as an investment, renovated it and resold it at a profit. The house is too big for just me, but...for a family it is just perfect."

"You bought the house I wanted."

"We both liked it a lot, but yes I took your comments on the houses and picked the one I knew you liked the best. Cosmetically it needs work, but it will be beautiful when it's fixed up. So it is a house we both want, we could both be happy there, I hope we _will_ be happy there."

Susan felt a tear trickle down her cheek and she wrapped her arms around him.

"Thank you. I love my key chain."

"And hopefully the keys and the house that go with it. I had you going there for a minute."

"Yes, you did. I mean, I already have keys to your apartment...but wow, John this is amazing. I want to see the plans. Do you have them?"

"I do." He pulled on a pair of sweatpants and tossed her one of his over sized t shirts.

Susan slipped it over her head, and he reappeared with some papers, and some drinks for them.

They spent the next hour going over the ideas he and the designer had discussed, making notes beside items where Susan had suggestions. John showed her some options for colours, materials and the like, and she got increasingly excited about the project.

John finally rolled up the plans, and put them aside, and Susan crawled into his lap, straddling him.

"This is probably the best present anyone has ever gotten me. Thank you, baby." She ran her fingers through his hair, claiming his lips with hers.


	11. I Drove All Night

Carter strolled up to the Center Monday morning, running his card key through the scanner.

"John!" Todd's voice echoed in the courtyard. "Hold the door!"

He turned with a smile, keeping the door open.

"Running a little late this morning?"

"Just a little, sorry." Todd gave him a slightly guilty smile.

John raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Uh huh. Well, don't worry about it, I know you put in a lot of extra hours and I could never have gotten this done without you. How are all the interviews going?"

"Absolutely fabulous. I have some more resumes to go through, about a dozen job offers to get out, if you want to run through them before I send them. What did the lovely Dr. Lewis think?"

"She was very impressed, but I'll let her speak for herself once she gets her offer letter."

"I have it all ready to go, Wendy was a little peeved at me on the weekend, I spent a bit of time getting those letters done so you could see them this morning."

"Ah, so you made nice this morning. I get it. Keep her happy, she seems like a wonderful lady."

Todd rolled his eyes slightly. "So you caught me."

"Like I've never been late for work for the same reasons? Whatever, you've done exceptional work, put in long hours, and I don't want to see your marriage go south."

"I'm glad I accepted this project, John. You've been great to work with, even long distance. I'd like us to stay in touch once this is all done, you're seeing someone right? Maybe we could all go out for dinner or the theater or something one night soon. I'd love to meet her."

Carter had purposely kept his relationship with Susan out of the picture when referring her to Todd. He didn't want any pressure on the guy to offer her a job, he was confident she'd get something on her own merits. He hadn't told her that, but it would come out at some point.

"I think that would be great." They sat at the table in Todd's office and John started going through the offer letters, viewing the resumes and attached interview notes for each one.

"So, any comments on the hires?"

"They all look excellent, we got some quality applicants. When are you posting the next round of jobs?"

"As soon as I know who out of this group is accepting the position. I was thinking of mass posting all the jobs, and just stagger the competition date end. A lot of this new staff I would like to have on board in four to six weeks at the latest, but I will be flexible as some have to move from out of town or out of state. Jessica is going to start the medical licensing as soon as each candidate accepts for anyone out of state, and get the malpractice insurance going."

"Okay, that sounds good. Jessica is pretty great?"

"Yes, and she lives here in Chicago. I know she's a bit anxious about her future, but I have typically asked the CEO if they would like my admin assistant to stay on as their admin assistant at the end of the process. So...would you be interested in keeping her?"

"Absolutely, Todd. Assure her that we'll have a job for her, if she wants it. I've dealt with her many times during this whole thing and she is well versed on the Center. I can't see why I'd want to let her go."

"Perfect. She will be thrilled. So, if Dr. Lewis accepts, I want her to be part of hiring her administrative assistant, and then we need to get her working on setting up the training programs for the med students and residents. Looks like she has a good amount of contacts and knows the drill so she won't need a lot of hand holding."

"I can assist her with a lot of that too, it will take a bit off your mind. You have the templates we can follow, we will tweak them to fit us and no problem."

"Is she going to accept?"

John flipped through the pile and pulled out Susan's resume and letters. Todd waited patiently while he read and signed the offer letter.

"Send it to her now and find out."

Todd nodded, then put the pages into the scanner, sending them to Susan's personal email account. John pulled out his cell phone and hit speed dial.

"Hi honey, I just got into the office." Susan recognized the number.

"Hi, your computer on? Todd just sent you the offer letter, and he's anxiously awaiting your reply." John gave Todd a little smile.

"You didn't tell him?"

"No, that's not my place. If you like the offer and want the job, sign the acceptance and send it back. Call me back on my cell, I'm just signing some letters, so I can pick up once you get a chance to read it."

"Okay, talk soon then." Susan hung up the phone and got into her email. Fortunately she had her office door closed and she was able to print the documents and read through them. She read through three times, barely believing it. She picked up her pen, signed the sheet, then dropped it on her fax machine, sending it back to the number noted on the top.

Then she dialed John.

"You signed my offer letter."

"Yes, I did, I'm signing all the offer letters, that's what I'm doing this morning, making job offers, with Todd's assistance." He signed off another letter as they spoke and handed the folder to Todd.

"It's on the fax now, so it should be there soon. The start date is flexible?"

"Yes, give your notice right away, and then you can move to Chicago as soon as you are done. Give yourself a couple weeks to get settled."

"But the house isn't ready."

"No, that's not an issue, you have a place to stay. We'll talk about it tomorrow okay?"

"All right. I have to get to work. Love you baby."

"Back at you." He knew he was going to have to explain later, why he was being a little more formal on the phone, but she would understand.

Todd picked up the paper coming in from the fax. "She accepted, I'm going to use you as my secret recruiting weapon."

"Don't get too impressed, I have a confession now that you have met her and done the hiring."

Todd shook his head. "Why did I not see that coming. She's the woman you've been seeing?"

"Yeah, sorry. I didn't want to put undue pressure on you, I wanted the best applicants for each position, not for you to feel obligated to hire my girlfriend."

"No problem, I'd have done the same thing. I assume she doesn't need any assistance in finding housing and if she has any issues she will be comfortable to speak with you directly."

"Yes. She's moving in with me at my apartment until the new house is ready."

They moved on, finishing the meeting, then John went to work at County. He was in a very good mood, and more than one person noticed.

Chuney came up beside him as he was whistling and updating the board.

"You're happy today, Carter, what's up?"

"Oh not much, what's new with you Chuney?"

"Oh come on, you look the happiest you have been in a long time. Things are going good with Dr. Lewis?"

"Um, yeah, in fact she just took a job here in Chicago."

"Is she coming back to County?"

"No, she got a much better offer." He turned as the new crop of med students arrived at the desk. Among them was Rachel Greene who smiled and gave him a little wave. "Well, the new troops have arrived. Where is our Chief Resident?"

"Oh who knows. I thought he was on, but he keeps disappearing." Chuney shrugged.

"All right, I will get them started. Have Gates find me when he decides to show up for work. Is Sam in yet?"

"Nope, she's late too."

Carter snickered. "And there we have diagnosed the problem. Got a betting pool open yet?"

Chuney  started to laugh. "I would bet you are right."

"Page him and tell him to get his ass in here. Some Chief." He muttered just loud enough for Chuney to hear.

Carter split the students into teams of 2, gave them patients to take history and then shooed them off.

* * *

 

Susan finished up her morning by typing her resignation letter. Then she approached the Chief of Staff office.

"Does she have a minute for me Tanya?" The assistant looked up and motioned for Susan to go in.

Five minutes later she was out, the Chief was unhappy but not all that surprised. She knew Susan had been dating John, that he lived in Chicago, so that she was taking a job there was not really a shock.

Susan finished up her afternoon, made a call to her realtor and then started packing her things to go home for the evening.

"You resigned?" Lexi's voice carried from her doorway.

Susan looked up quickly. "Yeah, I did, I was going to give you a call tonight."

"You have time for a drink?"

"Chuck has Cosmo, why don't we grab some dinner? John is in Chicago, I have a night to myself, if you are up for it?"

Lexi smiled and nodded. "That would be great, I have missed my friend, you've been kind of busy lately, with your new man."

"Sorry, you know how it is, and I hate to not be there when he makes a point of coming down to see me."

They slid into the booth at a local restaurant, Lexi ordering a martini. "What are you having?"

"Some tea for me thanks." Susan put the drink menu aside.

"Not drinking? Is this some new kick? Does he not drink?"

"Well, he doesn't drink much, but...that's not it. I have to cut down on my alcohol for a while."

Lexi frowned. "Why? Are you...no...are you?"

Susan shook her head. "No, I'm not, that I'm aware of, well maybe I am but...we have been discussing it and we've started trying. To be honest we haven't been all that careful so it could happen anytime."

Susan had been happy when John had told her his testing went well, and Susan herself had been in to see her doctor for a full check up. They had decided to just stay on course, and it would happen when it happened.

"Holy crap. This is getting serious. You quit your job, and you are moving to Chicago, and trying to get knocked up? You've been dating him for how long? A couple months?"

"Lex, I've know him for a long time. I got a job offer this morning from Chicago, and I'm going to be listing my house for sale. Now I have to tell Chuck."

"You haven't told Chuck you're moving to Chicago? He's going to blow a gasket."

"So let him. He cheated on me, he's all cozy with his new wifey and baby, I should be allowed to do _something_ that makes me happy, Lexi. John makes me happy, Cosmo loves him. The job in Chicago is amazing, and we're moving into a house in a few short weeks. We're having it renovated and in the meantime I'm moving into the apartment with John."

"I have to admit, I'm a little jealous. Congratulations sweetie, you deserve to be happy, and John seems to be doing that for you. You could certainly do worse, a rich good looking doctor, you poor thing." She giggled slightly. "Does he have a brother?"

"No, sorry, he doesn't have siblings...well a half sister over in Europe somewhere, but he doesn't have a lot of super close relatives. A slew of cousins spread out all over the place, he's not close with his dad and his mom is AWOL, who knows where she is."

"Not so different from either of us, I mean when was the last time you saw your parents, or your sister? Isn't she in the wind somewhere?"

"Yes, with my niece who I never see anymore. I almost adopted her when she was a baby, but now I don't even know where she lives 99% of the time. Chloe won't let her come stay with me, and I worry about her, but what can I do, Lex. Chloe is her mom and the courts sided with her, and Susie is almost 15 years old now."

"Nothing you can do. You tried, you've tried many times, but if Chloe is blocking you, then you're f done. Okay, so does John have any hot friends?"

"I honestly don't know. He was in Africa off and on for several years, and he knows a lot of people, but single good looking eligible guys our age? Not sure, though he knows a lot of attractive women. That I have noticed, a lot of his friends are female."

"Really, well, what a shock, the good looking rich doctor likes women. Who would have guessed." Lexi teased.

"Yeah, yeah, stop it. I know, believe me, he never had trouble getting a girlfriend. But now he's off the market."

They had dinner, then sat and chatted, Lexi having a few too many drinks.

"Oh Lex, we have to get you home, or better yet, why don't you just come and sleep in the guest room. My place is so much closer."

"Yeah, okay." Lexi nodded emphatically. Susan paid the bill then they left, Susan realizing it was 2 am. When they pulled up in front of the house Susan noted the car out front.

Lexi stumbled out of Susan's car.

"Ooooh, nice, which neighbor does that belong to?"

"That's John's car, I thought he wasn't coming down until tomorrow."

"Oh oh, you're in trouble, coming home late."  Lexi snickered.

"Don't be silly, Lex, I am sure he doesn't care, just try to be quiet, he is probably sleeping."

Susan tried to be quiet, getting Lexi into the guest room, then finally tiptoeing into the bathroom, washing and brushing her teeth, and finally crawling into bed. She curled up as close to John as she dared, she was sure he was still asleep, the guy could sleep through anything it seemed.

She was surprised when he rolled and wrapped her up in his arms.

"Boy, you are really noisy, who's the drunk you brought home?" His voice was soft and sleepy.

Susan snuggled closer to him. "Lexi. We went out for dinner, and she had a few too many. I didn't think you'd be here till tomorrow."

"I got off work early, wasn't tired so I thought I'd drive down tonight. Didn't you get my message?"

"My battery died on my phone, so...I didn't get to check messages. I would have come home early, I'm \ going to pay for this tomorrow. This is so nice, coming home and finding you in my bed...wish I wasn't so tired." She rubbed the back of his neck, playing with his hair.

"Mm, if you weren't so tired...what?"

His fingertips brushed up and down her arm.

"I might have to take advantage of the man I found in my bed. Except I have to get up for work in about 3 hours."

"The rule is if you can't get at least 3 hours sleep, you shouldn't bother."

John picked up her hand and nibbled the inside of her wrist, his lips travelled upwards. Susan ran her fingers into his hair, laying back and enjoying the feel of his mouth and tongue creating a fiery trail across her body. He gently bit her bottom lip then kissed her deeply, her body responding to the touch of his hands as they skimmed across her skin.

"Maybe you're right" she whispered, "sleep is overrated."

Clothes were being removed, and she enjoyed his bare warm flesh under her hands. She inhaled his warm spicy scent, then pushed him back on the bed, straddling his body, taking over control.

She gazed down at him through half open eyes, as she circled her hips gently, his hands grasping her tightly. John watched her as she moved in the dim light, running his hands up to cup her perfect breasts, brushing his thumbs across them.

_"Oh John!"_

Susan moaned at his touch, her hands braced against his chest as she moved faster and faster against him, her back arching and head tipping back slightly, finally collapsing down onto his chest.  She gasped for air as he rolled her onto her back, thrusting deep into her warmth over and over, making her cry out as he took her over the edge a second time before he let himself finish.

She curled a leg over his hip and snuggled in close, enjoying the sated feeling, their bodies both slick with sweat from the exertion.

"I wish you were here all the time," she murmured against him.

"Me too, but only a few weeks and you'll be moving in with me. It will be great to come home to you every night."

"Mm, that will be nice." She smiled in the dark. "I hope Lexi was asleep, because we weren't quiet."

"No you sure weren't, you're a noisy woman...not that I mind...at all.  I guess Lexi will have to deal with it, if she's not passed out."

Susan brushed her hand down his face, he didn't seem at all bothered that Lexi might have heard them. He wasn't shy, that was for damn sure. They dozed off, the sound of Susan's alarm coming all to soon.

"Oh, don't make me go to work." She grumbled into her pillow.

"You can call in sick, stay here in bed with me all day. You know, like the day you missed your train..."

"I wish, but I can't, I have to go." She dragged herself out of bed and towards the shower. "Go back to sleep, you can come and take me for lunch, about 1, okay?"

"Yeah, 1, go to work."

He rolled over and buried his head in his pillow. By the time she came out of the bathroom to dress he was fast asleep.

She went to check on Lexi giving her a shake. "Up, girl, you have work in an hour. Go shower."

"No, please don't make me. Tell my boss I'm sick."

"I _am_ your boss, get your ass out of bed. I'll make some coffee."

Forty five minutes later they were in the car on their way in to the hospital. Lexi smirked at her.

"Well, your hot doctor drives a long ways for the booty call, huh? Not that you minded, obviously."

Susan glanced over at her. "What?"

"You have very noisy sex. I think the neighbors heard, wow, I'am jealous, must have been good judging from how umm...vocal you were."

Susan started to laugh. "Pervert. Listening in."

"Uh no. I'd have needed ear plugs to not hear that, I tried putting the pillow over my head, but man...almost needed a cold shower. Maybe sound proof your bedroom in the new house, that would be a suggestion."

"Ah whatever, and yes, it was amazing, are you happy?"

"Not particularly, I'd be happier if I had my own hot doctor driving hours to see me...and providing that kind of...pleasure."

Susan pulled into the lot. "Not another word."

Lexi ran her fingers across her lips as if zipping them.

Lexi went to the ER and Susan up to her office. She dug into her paperwork, and before she knew it, John knocked on her door. She looked at her clock.

"You're early."

"A little, but I was bored, so..." He stepped in and shut her door, turning the lock. He dropped into the chair across from her.

"What did you do this morning, aside from sleep in? I'm jealous by the way, I wanted to sleep in."

"You could have called in sick, spent the day in bed with me. What are they going to do, fire you?"

"No I suppose not, but I have a lot to get done before my last day."

"Which is what?"

"I don't know yet. I told them I'd give them up to 4 weeks, they need to post my job, find someone and I need to do the hand off. Plus I have to pack my house, sell it...and...tell Chuck."

His eyebrows went up. "You haven't told Chuck? Susan, what the hell are you doing? You need to let him know you're leaving town, don't you think?"

"Yes, but...I'm moving whether he likes it or not. He can't stop me, there's nothing in the agreement to prevent me from moving and taking Cosmo with me. He's only taking him every second weekend, and the occasional weeknight and even then he hasn't been reliable, you know that."

"I know, baby, but you need to tell him...today, Susan. I can honestly say if it was me, I wouldn't be excited that you were moving away. I thought he already knew."

"Okay, John, I get it, I'm being a coward and you're right, I need to tell Chuck."

"What?"

"You're right! Okay! You're right!" She saw his smile and the glint in his eye. "Why so smug."

"Oh, just enjoying you saying that. Might be the only time I hear it, so..."

Susan balled up a piece of paper and threw it at him, watching it bounce off his chest and onto the floor.

"Oh, we're playing are we." He tossed it back at her, bouncing it off her head.

"You'll pay for that." She rounded the desk intending to get him back, but by the time she made it to where he was sitting he was already on his feet. He backed her up against her desk, trapping her there easily, holding both of her hands in one of his.

"Now what are you going to do?" He teased her softly, as his thumb brushed over her cheek.

Susan inhaled deeply, her vibrant green eyes meeting his, her lips slightly parted, ready to retort, when he gently took her bottom lip between his teeth. The following kiss was a bare brush of her lips, but she could feel the fire growing in her belly. She tilted up her chin and leaned towards him pressing her mouth to his, seeking his tongue with hers.

He released her hands as his found their way to her hips, lifting her onto the edge of her desk. Her skirt rode up and his warm fingers trailed up her bare legs, his hands caressing her thighs as the kiss deepened.  She parted her legs, pulling him closer, sliding her hips forward.

She worked at the buttons on his shirt, then his belt and pants, freeing him quickly, stroking him as he relieved her of the scrap of lace thong she wore. Susan moaned loudly and wrapped her legs around him as he thrust into her, feeling his hand gently cover her mouth.

"Shhh, baby, you want the whole floor to hear you?" He paused as she inhaled deeply and nodded just enough for him to remove his hand.

She buried her head against him as their hips moved against each other, trying not to cry out. Her breath was choppy, gasping, his hand went over her mouth again, smothering her cry before they finally collapsed against each other.

"I cannot believe we just did that." Susan tried to catch her breath. "Do you think she heard us?"

"Who?"

"My assistant?"

"Nope, she went for lunch."

They both straightened their clothes and Susan laughed.

"Well, that was a first, office sex on my desk. Something off my bucket list."

She could see John smirk. "Bucket list huh. Dangerous game, that one."

"Oh come on, I know the most interesting place for you was the train to Seattle. Well maybe not anymore, but..." She shrugged.

At that he laughed out loud. "Wow, you believed that one? Like I ever took a train to Seattle, my family flew everywhere that wasn't close enough to drive. I don't think I have even ever taken the train.  Except in Europe, they have a way better train system than we'll ever have, way quicker than driving."

Susan raised an eyebrow. "Really. So where _is_ the most interesting place...liar."

"I'm a member of the mile high club."

"Bathroom on a plane?"

"Ew, no. Private jet. Much nicer than a scummy bathroom on a commercial flight."

"Private jet. Wow, for real or is that another lie like the train."

"No, that's for real, when I was a teenager, went to France with a school friend on a ski trip, his dad owned a jet. Group of teenagers, no chaperone, things...happen."

"Sex happens you mean. Why didn't you say that before?"

"Ah, my interesting places seem...I don't know, unbelievable. Private jet, the stables, the pool house...among...other places.  Though the train is not a complete lie, I've had sex on a train, except it was in Europe and I definitely wasn't alone."

"Other places? Ever at work?"

"Yeah. Didn't you ever have sex at work?"

"Not until today."

"Really?  Never...in the ER?  The bathroom maybe?"

Susan flushed. "You knew about that?"

"It's County, _everyone_ knew about that, Susan. Not like you two were all that subtle."

Wow...okay then. How about you?"

"Not my first time in a workplace."

"At County?"

"Uh, yes."

"No way. In the ER?"

"Office on the surgical floor...and a couple other places."

"In the ER?"

"Seriously...fine, yes, in the ER."

"Wow...gutsy...which room?"

"The ER was not open to the public at the time, so, more than one."

"The...lock down."  Susan's eyebrow went up as she realized, when and who.

"We were stuck in there for two weeks, not much to do."

"And you always seemed so sweet and innocent.  So the surgical floor was the attending, and the ER...well I don't even have to ask, but then again, you did date that blond student, Harper, how about with her?"

He snorted slightly at that. "Harper, yeah, we had sex at work. You missed sweet and innocent a few years before I got to County, Susan. I was 23, I was definitely not innocent at 23. And neither were you, right?"

"No, that's right...we've told our stories, though I have to say I never believed you."

"About what?"

"Being 11, I mean you had to be lying, I don't think anyone believed it."

"Whatever, Susan. Not really important is it?"

Susan frowned slightly. "Oh wow, you weren't lying. Shit. I gave you such a hard time, and it was true?"

"Ready for lunch?"  He straightened his clothing as he turned away.

"John." Susan reached out and took his arm. "Why are you deflecting? Avoiding my question?"

He turned and looked at her. "Because it's not important Susan. That whole day was years ago, just let it be in the past, okay? You don't need to worry, bygones, just let it go. Are we going for lunch?"

His voice clearly told her the discussion was closed, he wasn't going to discuss it further, for whatever reason.

"Ummm, yes, I need to freshen up in the ladies room." She grabbed her purse and went in to wash and fix up her hair and makeup. She looked a little flushed, but she straightened her hair, taking a last look in the mirror before she stepped out to meet him.

Carter picked up Cosmo for her after school, while she went to have a coffee with Chuck. John had been at her all afternoon to tell him, until she finally picked up the phone and called.

She met him at a small cafe near his house and barely slid into the booth before he was at her.

"Are you dating someone new?" Chuck demanded.

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"Cosmo went on about going out with you and your new boyfriend, John. I had no idea you were seeing someone, and it feels kind of fast to be letting him hang around our son."

"Well, not that it's your concern, Charles, but I've known John for a long time, so don't get your panties in a twist. He's a very respected member of society, he won't hurt Cosmo. In fact, you know him too."

"What's his last name?"

"Carter."

Chuck seemed taken aback, he remembered Carter from County.

"You're dating Dr. Carter. Didn't you two date before we were married? And break up?"

"Yes, and now we're dating again."

"I thought he ran off to Africa after some woman and got married, and you were mad at him about tenure."

"All in the past, Chuck, he's back, getting divorced, and I haven't been mad at him for a long time."

"Divorced huh. Good idea, date the guy in the middle of a nasty divorce."

Susan laughed. "You're divorced, so how can you judge. At least he's separated from his wife, not sleeping around on her, like you did to me."

"How can you be so sure, maybe he isn't really getting a divorce?" Chuck ignored her comment, even though he knew she was right, he was the cheater.  Their marriage had collapsed quickly, they had stopped communicating and he got lonely...now she was happy again, he could see it in her eyes.

"I'm sure. If he was still with his wife he'd be in Paris right now. But he's not, and I have known him for a very long time, he is not lying about the divorce." She sighed. "I might as well get this over with. Chuck, I'm moving back to Chicago."

"We relocated here for your job and now you are going back?"

"Yes, it's only a few hours between the two cities."

"So is this about Carter? Or a job."

"Not that it's your business, but it is about John. I have a chance to be happy, Chuck, I'm moving in with him and I have a job offer there."

"Really." He stared at her. "Getting serious, huh. That was kind of quick."

"I've known him for a long time Chuck, it's not like I just met the guy. I know who he is."

"What about Cosmo?"

"He'll be fine, he and John get along great, and he can go to a good school in Chicago, a better one than here."

"But you're taking him away from me. You should make Carter move here."

"No, he has too much going on in Chicago, and I'm not taking Cosmo away, you can still see him regularly. You haven't been seeing him as much, and to be honest, you are the one who broke up our marriage, you're happy with your new wife, why shouldn't I be happy too. "

Chuck had run out of reasons to keep her here. He looks resigned. "I hope it makes you happy Susan, it has been a long time since you seemed happy."

"Yeah, you think? Maybe because my husband decided it was okay to fuck anything that moved. He didn't ever want to be home with me, he ran off and knocked up his mistress."

"You sound bitter."

"And you sound like an asshole. I am moving to Chicago. I'm taking Cosmo with me, and you will have your visits every second weekend like you do now. I need to be happy Chuck, and John makes me happy. Get used to it."

"I should stop paying your support. Now Cosmo won't be here, I think we should renegotiate. Anyways, you're dating mister rich guy, right? Isn't he loaded? Isn't that why you were so angry, he didn't need the money and we did?"

"Cosmo is still your son, Chuck. I'm not taking John's money, he is not responsible to support our son, we are. You are going to try and deny responsibility now because I am dating someone with a bit of money?"

"Right, like you aren't going to be living the easy life now with the rich guy. Get over it Susan. Fine, move to Chicago, but you are not getting another dime from me." Chuck stood up and walked out of the diner without another word.

Susan paid for the coffees then made her way home.


	12. Say You Will

John could tell right away that Susan was really bothered when she got home. Her bag hit the floor with a thump and she virtually ripped the shoes off her feet, then stomped up the stairs, he heard the bedroom door slamming behind her.

He could see Cosmo out of the corner of his eye, looking confused and a little apprehensive.

"John, what's wrong with mommy? Is she mad at me?" Cosmo was near tears, his mommy always gave him a hug and kiss when she came in the door, this was very strange to him.

"No, buddy, I think she just had a rough day. Why don't you just stay here and play for a few minutes, and I'll go check on her, okay?"

"Okay." This came out as barely a whisper. John ruffled the boy's hair in reassurance, then tread carefully up the stairs. He was a little worried, he knew she had gone to see Chuck and it apparently had not gone well.

"Susan?" He sat on the side of the bed, her back was turned and he could tell she was crying.

"I can't do it, I can't move to Chicago. Now what am I going to do, I quit my job, my house is going up for sale on the weekend." She choked out the words, intensely disappointed, her heart aching. "We can't be together, if I can't move."

"What? Why can't you move? What happened with Chuck?" He reached out and rubbed her arm gently. John was not going to panic, he knew there was little they could not solve on the front with Chuck.

Susan sniffled and then rolled towards him, her eyes red and puffy.

"If I move he'll cut off my child support. I can't manage without it John, the mortgage on the new house must be massive, I need a new car, and though the new salary is generous, Chicago is more expensive than Des Moines. I want to, but I can't, he is going to keep me captive here."

She closed her eyes as John's hand ran over her hair. "Baby, is that the only reason? Because Chuck is trying to control you financially?" He brushed the tears from her cheek with his thumb.

"Isn't it enough?" Her vibrant green eyes fluttered open, bloodshot from the crying, she had obviously been in tears long before she got through the door.

"Do you want to move? Is it what you really want to do?"

"Yes, you know that. I want us to be together, but…"

"Susan. Exactly how much does Chuck pay you every month?"

She sighed and told him.

"That's it? First of all, you don't need it. Second of all, a lawyer might disagree with him and expect he pay it anyway, it really depends on what it says in your divorce documents. Don't let Chuck ruin it, Susan, you know where that leads."

"Jail when I get angry and bitter enough to take him out?" Susan said this without even cracking a smile.

"Jail? Well, yes, that too, but it was the angry and bitter part I was getting at. Life is too short, tell him to go…well you get the picture."

"Were you going to say tell him to go fuck himself?" She felt her mouth twitch in spite of how angry she felt.

"Exactly what I was thinking. He forgets who he is dealing with, I don't scare that easily, and neither should you. In fact it is so unlike you. You've dealt with tougher guys in the ER, you can stand up to a gang member, but not Chuck? He cheated, he's remarried and happy, and for him to try and prevent you from doing the same is pretty low. Emotional and financial blackmail does not play well with me. I'll talk to him if you want."

"No, no. Don't be doing that, you are not my watch dog. I'll deal with him, John, don't worry."

"Okay, just stand up to him, baby. If he's trying to be a bully, he'll back down."

"Chuck isn't generally like this, I promise he was never a bad guy, John. And I guess you're right, we had half of Chicago's gang members come through during that one gang war, and I did okay."

"You did great."

"So did you, I remember that one, you told him to calm down or be in custody. He calmed down and let you stitch him up."

"Right." John didn't add his thought which was...and he ended up dead on a street corner a few days later. That ended up well.

Susan nodded. "We are getting off track John. What about the house, without the income…honestly I don't even know how much we are talking about, and how big is the mortgage, and…" She could feel herself starting to hyperventilate.

She felt John's arms go around her and she snuggled into his chest.

"Susan. You actually think that I am putting a mortgage on the house? Your living expenses are going to go down moving to Chicago. Besides, I don't think I ever demanded that you to contribute to the house."

"But what about equal partners, I have to pay my share."

"When we make important decisions that affect both of us, then yes we are equal partners. And I want your full input on the house, as we do the renovations and all of that. We have picked one in a good neighborhood, with a great location. We will be happier overall, I can guarantee it. I was going to buy a house anyway and this is the neighborhood I would pick. I have changed my requirements to something bigger, more bedrooms, but honestly? I was going to buy one anyway and I can afford to pay cash for it. I don't actually need any money from you to make this work."

"Cash. Right, of course." Susan felt a little silly, she was talking to John Carter, and he was totally loaded.

"Susan, I like the equal partner idea, but the reality is, I have a little more money than you do. Can we get this out there right now?"

"Okay."

"I have literally millions, no, hundreds of millions. I have a trust fund and I am paid to be on two board of directors. I have more income than I can ever spend. I am used to living and spending a certain way, and at this point in my life, I am not going to change that. If we go out to a function, we will have a limo, if we go out for dinner, it might be somewhere you've never been and I will be paying for it. If I have to go to a fundraiser, I will help you with the dress, because you need to dress a certain way for that type of thing. I like to travel first class, you are not going to be sitting in coach. Get the idea? I am not going to downscale how I live because you have less money, part of being a couple is sharing. I am very good at sharing, my grandmother taught me well."

Susan noticed he doesn't say his mother, but she doubted Eleanor was around enough to teach him much of anything.

"I understand, but John, I never want you to think I am with you for the money or the lifestyle."

"I know that Susan, my gold digger alarm has been tested enough times." He gave her a smile. "I would not have agreed to anything if I thought this was about money. Hey, help with the utilities and the groceries, buy your own clothes, whatever, you make good money and I am not trying to turn you into a kept woman or anything. But can you also enjoy the fact that you don't have to watch every penny, and you don't have to struggle with a mortgage payment? Or worry if Chuck doesn't cough up his child support because he is pissed off that month? If we are going to act like we are a married couple that includes a certain amount of financial transparency, Susan. And that is about where we are…we are basically living together, though in two separate cities."

"Once I move to Chicago we will be living together 100% of the time." Susan added.

"Exactly. When you were married, didn't you rely on each other financially as well as emotionally? You are trying to get pregnant, what do you think that is going to look like as far as us being together? I am going to take care of my child, if we are lucky enough to have one. I know financially I have a lot more, and that part might be uneven sometimes, but it will work itself out."

She cannot argue with him. He has some good points, if she wanted to be with him, she would have to accept the whole money thing.

"Susan?"

"Okay, you're right."

"What did you say?"

"You are right." She said it louder.

He laughed. "Twice in one day, we must be on a roll, although it might be the last time I ever hear those words out of your mouth."

Susan finally smiled at that, thinking about their earlier tryst in her office. He certainly was a bit of a risk taker at times, this guy. Not mister innocent like she assumed at one time. He'd lived a lot, probably more than she had, he'd traveled and seen things she would never see. He was far more astute than she had ever given him credit for, he had a side that she hadn't picked up on even in all the years she'd known him.

It struck her again that she had made a huge mistake in letting Abby have him so easily, there was a depth to him that she'd missed entirely.

"Right. You know, I feel better. Sorry, I over reacted."

"Don't worry about it, exes can get into your head, trust me, I know way too much about it. Let's go down and have some dinner. Cosmo was a little upset too, so, he needs a little reassurance."

"I'm sorry, that was not very smart of me, as a mom I should be more sensitive, he has gone through this just like I have, on a different level of course, but still, none of this is easy for him either. When we come up again together can he see the house?"

"Maybe, I will see where it is at as far as the tear down, if it is not too big of a mess, then sure. The whole inside is being gutted, so it may not be safe to take in a child."

"How much have they gotten done?"

"I haven't been over for a few days, you and I will go this weekend when you come up. They were going to removed pretty much everything, then the roof is being redone and the exterior fixed up so it is weather tight."

"How much is this costing?"

"Oh, a quite a bit. Depends on the interior we choose. Less than building a whole new house, it will have the same character, just be really nice inside. I can show you everything on the weekend, keep in mind though, I basically only paid land value and it will be worth far more than it is going to cost us to refinish it."

"An investment?"

"A home and an investment. You know what we can do for sure, go show Cosmo the outside, the pictures of what his room is going to be like, and we could take him shopping so we can order his furniture."

"Furniture. You want me to buy him new furniture?"

"No, I'm buying it, he gets to help pick it out. Be honest, the stuff he has now is not in the greatest shape, why pay to have it moved all the way to Chicago. Besides, it will make it more exciting for him. Just bring his clothes, toys, the special stuff. Same with your furniture, you and I are going to pick out some new stuff. I'll take you to my storage locker and show you what pieces I have that need to be incorporated, and then we will buy whatever else we want."

"Need to be?"

"Well, I can leave them in storage, but they are estate pieces from my grandmother's place, a few things I didn't want to part with. No flowered couches or anything, I promise, but I have a few true antiques that are pretty nice."

"I see. I don't have anything like that." Susan didn't doubt it, she had seen his apartment when it actually contained his own things, and it was very nice.

"So just sell or donate what you have here. In fact, we need to take an inventory and decide what you are bringing, and what you just want to get rid of here. We are going to have a lot of doubles.

"You have nice stuff at the apartment now."

"Ah, except none of that is mine. It belongs to the owner, and she would not be happy to come home and find her place cleaned out. She'd hunt us down and repossess it, and she'd kick my ass. I'll show you what I have, it's all in storage."

"Right. Sounds like your landlord is really tough." Susan snickered.

"You be the judge, you know her too."

Susan gave him a look. "I know her?"

"Deb Chen?"

"Holy shit, that's Jing-Mei's apartment? How are you staying at Jing-Mei's place?"

"She's in China, she isn't sure when she's coming back, and didn't want to leave it empty. She knew I was back in Chicago and offered me the place until I decided what I was doing. Her really personal stuff is all in storage, she had someone else staying there before me. She's been out of the country for quite a while."

"You've kept in touch with her."

"Sure, we've been friends quite a long time. We reconnected a couple years ago, I went over and saw her in China for a couple weeks actually."

"No way. China, what was that like?"

"Interesting. We went to an area of China where I hadn't been before, it is different to travel around with someone who speaks the language and has access to the not so touristy places. I have been before, but a long time ago, when I was a teenager I was there for a month."

"Do you have pictures?"

"Of course. Remind me and I'll show you. She's doing okay, she met some guy, so she is involved, or was last I heard, which was a few weeks ago. I let her know I bought a house and would be out in a few months."

"So who else do you keep in touch with?"

"That you know? Probably not a lot of people…Deb of course, Harper once in a while calls me, Kerry occasionally and of course Peter Benton. I talk to Elizabeth a bit too, Rachel is in Chicago now."

"Rachel. I would love to see her again."

"You will, she is doing a rotation at County as we speak."

"Wow, she got in, that's great."

"She was very excited. We'll go out for dinner one night, the three of us. Todd wants to go out for dinner one night as well, introduce you to his wife, Wendy."

"Did you say that Harper keeps in touch with you? Harper Tracy?"

"Um, yeah, I hear from her once in a while. I ran into her in Paris of all places a few years ago, she is stationed in Germany, been there for quite a while. She came out to the Congo as a volunteer once she saw what we were doing there." Carter tried to keep it vague, he was not sure he wanted to get into his whole relationship with Harper.

"Wow. Still friends with your ex girlfriend."

"Sure why not, I stayed friends with a few of my exes, she and I parted on good terms, she was transferred to do another rotation."

"I thought you two broke up before that."

"We did, but we remained friends, sorted out our issues. Are we all good?"

"Yes, it's fine. Now Chuck knows, it will be easier. He was surprised we were together, last he heard I was not very happy about the tenure thing."

"See, I was on your bad side. I have managed to get on your bad side before. Let's go have dinner, and see what Cosmo is up to."

He took her hand and they went back downstairs, Susan went over and gave Cosmo his hug and kiss, and they ate dinner.

John pulled out his laptop and did a bit of work while Susan helped Cosmo with his homework.

"Can you come in and do some reinforcement tomorrow? See if there is anything else we can fix before you go back to Chicago?"

"Sure."

Carter worked in the ER the next day, then drove back to Chicago. Susan was going to come up Friday night, Cosmo was with Chuck for a couple days.

Thursday night came, and Susan decided she was going to give herself an extra day off, so she got on the train, she would surprise John by going a day early. She had keys to the apartment and he had told her she could let herself in anytime.

She opened the apartment door, she could hear the shower running, and walked into the master bedroom, seeing the bathroom door cracked slightly. She could see the bed was partially made, and figured John was in the shower.

She walked into the bathroom freezing in place for a moment as she noted that it was definitely not John in the shower, but a blond woman. The blond turned and gave a little shriek, seeing Susan standing there.

Susan wheeled around and walked out. A blond woman, in his shower. She now noticed the clothes on the bed, a silky bra and lacy panties. She felt the rush of anger, the tears building in her eyes. John was not here, but she might as well have found him in bed with this blond, she was in his shower, her unmentionables on the bed?

"Hi." The blond woman was now wrapped in one of the fluffy towels, staring at Susan. "Are you okay?"

Susan was immobile, staring at the things on the bed as the tears started to drip down her face. She swiped her hand across her cheek, ashamed to be crying in front of this woman. The one who had been in bed with _her_ man.

"Do I look okay? Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in here?" Susan spat out. "Never mind, I am going to fucking kill him. I was going to surprise him, but I guess I am the one who gets the surprise. Holy shit, I cannot believe this." She was fuming, fury rising in her.

The woman was watching her. "Uh.."

"Shut up, don't even say a word." Susan went back out into the main room and grabbed her bag, heading for the door.

"Susan?" The blond woman was still wrapped in the towel and followed her out into the main room. "This is really not what you seem to be thinking. John's at work."

Susan turned and glared at her. "Oh great, that's nice, but you are still naked in his bedroom. What do you expect me to think?" She was just registering that this woman had called her by name.

"Susan...I didn't sleep with him. I'm Debbie, I dropped in on him last night from Seattle, I stayed in the guest room. He's not here, the shower in his room is much nicer than the other one, so I borrowed it. I slept in the guest room. He told me all about you."

"What?"

"I'm Debbie, John's friend from Africa?"

"The Red Cross Debbie?"

"Yes. He didn't know I was going to be in Chicago. I promise you, nothing happened, he didn't cheat on you, I really did stay in the guest room and I had no idea you were coming. I would have used the other bathroom."

"No, I wasn't supposed to come up until tomorrow. I just had some extra time off. You promise me nothing happened?"

"No Susan, nothing happened."

"You were naked in his bedroom."

"Yes, but he was not in the bedroom with me, was he? He's at work, he went in for a meeting with Todd? He said he'd be back around 3...so not too long. Don't be mad at him, he just offered the guest room. I've known him for years, we've had quite the adventures together, him and I."

"So, there has never been anything between you?"

Debbie looked at her for a long moment. "I am not going to get into that...I think you should ask John."

Susan tried hard not to roll her eyes as she leaned back against the counter top. "Uh huh, so that is a yes, at some point you were involved. Don't pretend, Debbie, you are so his type, anyone can see that."

Debbie nodded slowly. "Fine, I am not going to deny it. Not for a long time though, we have not been involved for years, Susan. We are only friends now, I know he is with you, that you are moving to Chicago to be with him. I have a boyfriend in Seattle."

"When."

"When were we involved?"

"Yes."

"After Luka came back to Chicago. I helped John and Gillian find Luka, and then we got involved, after he broke up with Abby, he decided he was not going back to Chicago. It was nothing serious, I knew he was on the rebound, and so was I, it was just...nothing major. We broke up, and then he started seeing Kem."

"Wow, he was a busy guy."

"He was single, I don't see that you can have an issue with him being involved with me back then. You were not even the girlfriend he broke up with. I have to say Susan, I got to meet a lot of different people in Africa, and he impressed me. A lot of the volunteers go over there and bang just about everything that moves. You know the saying...what happens in Vegas? Well for a lot of people who volunteer it turns into 'what happens in Africa'. John was never like that, there were a few women who practically threw themselves at him while he was there, but he didn't take the bait. Africa is the place to cheat if you are going to, everyone looks the other way."

Susan frowned. "I bet the wives would be thrilled to hear that."

Debbie snorted slightly. "Like the men are the only ones who fuck around over there? Takes two, Susan, and I know a lot of women who have been unfaithful to their boyfriends or husbands while over there, and it happens within the community of volunteers, not with the locals. For obvious reasons, we are all health care workers and we know better than to sleep with the Congolese."

"Know better? What the hell does that mean?"

"What do you think? First of all, we are there to help them, not get intimately involved, second it does not set a good precedent for everyone's safety and third...well, Africa is a hotbed of infectious disease, surely you know that? I mean, we saw HIV and AIDS, hepatitis, not to mention a whole ton of other things that go untreated due to lack of access to good medical care."

"How noble, people only screw around within the little world of health care."

"Look, until you have faced life in the Congo, or life in Darfur, it is hard to judge, every day it almost seems like a miracle to have survived. Not everyone does it, don't get me wrong, its not a massive orgy or anything, but there is a different mind set over there."

"Is that supposed to make it okay?"

"No, cheating is cheating, but it happens. I ended up having a couple of relationships where the guy swore they were single and I find out they had a wife and five kids waiting for them at home. Or the frequent volunteers...I mean Gillian had a boyfriend in Montreal and she slept with quite a few of the doctors that came over. I know you know that. She got involved with Luka, but that didn't stop her from inviting John to sleep with her... though to his credit he knew better than to take her up on it. Not that she is a bad person, she's not at all, she's rather sweet actually. Kind of a free spirit, no man holds her attention for long."

Susan heard keys in the lock of the apartment, and John stepped in. Susan knew she was not in the line of sight, but Debbie was.

"Hey I got done my meeting early...why are you standing around in a towel? I thought you'd be dressed by now. Did you want to go get something to eat? I'm starving." Susan could hear the question in his voice.

Debbie gave a little start, suddenly realizing she was in the middle of the living room, her hair still wet in nothing but a towel. She glanced over at Susan.

"My shower got interrupted by an unexpected visitor."

John took a few more steps into the apartment. He was surprised to see Susan leaning against the counter, looking not very happy. He was happy to see her though.

"Susan! I wasn't expecting you to be here until tomorrow. You got away early?"

Susan watched his face as he smiled, it went right up to his eyes. No sign of any sort of guilt or unease, he immediately put down his things and gave her a warm hug and a kiss. Either he was a talented liar or he had nothing to feel guilty about.

She let her arms wrap around him automatically, returning his affection.

"I'm just going to put on some clothes." Debbie grinned and disappeared quickly, feeling quite under dressed. They could both hear the door of the guest room snick shut.

"I'm glad you're here, nice you got down here early."

Susan pulled back. "You could have told me she was here. You know she was in your shower when I got here? That didn't look all that good to me, I'm kind of pissed off."

Carter took a breath. "She just go here last night, and it's just a shower Susan. Why is that an issue even? I am not sure why you are angry about her taking a shower."

"Naked in your bedroom, John, that is what I am not happy about. Showing up to find a blond naked woman in your bathroom."

"Oh. Um, not sure what to say, other than at least I wasn't in there naked with her?"

"Not funny."

"Look, I didn't sleep with her, she stayed in the guest room. I went to work, told her just to make herself at home. I'm sorry if it bothers you that she used our shower, but nothing happened with Debbie."

"That has not always been the case though, right? You had a thing with her."

Carter narrowed his eyes slightly, then sighed. "Grilling her were you. Okay, yes, fine, we had a thing, but that was years ago. I'm with you, she is with her boyfriend in Seattle. You either trust me or you don't. If you don't we have a problem."

Susan looked up into his eyes. "Swear to me that you have never cheated on me."

He looked back at her and said without any hesitation. "I swear I have never cheated on you. Nothing happened."

She studied his face. "Okay, I believe you. Sorry, it was just a bit shocking, I walked into the bathroom thinking you were in there and it was a naked blond."

John laughed. "Ah, well. Sorry about that, but I was obviously not here. How did you get time off?"

"I called in sick. I'm..." She stopped.

"You're what? Are you sick?"

"No, I wanted to come down early because...I'm ovulating." She whispered against his ear "I thought maybe…..we could try and make a baby."

John didn't get to respond right away, Debbie came out of the extra room.

"Hey, I have those couple of items I needed to pick up. I was going to go do that, then Angelique was going to meet me at that pub you suggested. Did you want to come over in a couple hours and have a drink with us?"

Debbie was fully dressed and ready to go. She had intended to get John to go with her originally, but she wanted to give them a chance to talk privately.

"Sure, do you want to phone and let me know when you two get there, and we will come over? Susan can have a chance to meet Angelique, she was with us in Kisangani and Kinshasa." John raised an eyebrow at Susan, who nodded.

"That would be nice." She looked over at Debbie. "Sorry about earlier, I just...got a little crazy there for a moment."

Debbie smiled. "Don't worry about it, I am not so sure I would have been happy under the circumstances either. I need to run and get that stuff picked up before the store closes, and I will see you both in a couple of hours."

She grabbed her purse and headed out the door.

Carter went over and clicked the lock, then took Susan by the hand, pulling her towards the bedroom.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing. We have a couple of hours, you came down early for a reason."

"Oh, you think I am that easy?"

"No chance. You are anything but easy, Susan." He pushed the bedroom door shut behind them and pulled her into his arms, kissing her deeply. Susan sighed as his lips traveled down her neck, touching all those sensitive spots that drove her crazy.

She made no move to stop him as he unbuttoned her blouse, and removed her bra with a quick and expert move, instead engaging herself with working on the buttons of his shirt and unbuckling his belt.

It did not take long to discard all the clothing, John laid her out on bed, her arms and legs wrapping around him, her hips rising pushing up against him as he lavished attention on her breasts.

Susan ran her hands down his back, enjoying how his tongue played with her nipples, turning them into hard nubs. He cupped one, running his thumb over it while he used his mouth to engulf one breast, then switched, coaxing a moan from her lips.

Susan worked her hand down between them, grasping his soft silky member and stroking him firmly.

"Oh Susan." He rested his forehead against her breasts for a moment, breathing deeply as she touched him, guiding him into her. They both moaned as he entered her with a firm thrust. He looked down into her vibrant green eyes as their hips moved in unison, locked on each other, their lips almost but not quite touching.

He pushed deep into her, moving that last millimeter to suck her lip into his mouth, teasing her sensuously, then tracing down her jaw line, moving slowly with long strokes in and out of her body all the while. Susan played with the hair at the nape of his neck as he buried his face into her neck, bringing her leg up around his hips trying to pull him in deeper with her thighs.

He lifted his head slightly, enough to see her watching him watching her. He lifted a hand, brushing it down the side of her face gently, trying to convey every bit of love and tenderness he felt for her at that moment. Susan stared up into his eyes, continuously caressing his neck, down his back, then up again, unable to look away from him, not wanting to look away, their emotional connection at that moment limitless.

Their hips continued the almost lazy movements against each other, the sweet friction of the motion almost driving them both insane with need. Both wanting this to last, but both knowing it was going to be over far too soon.

 _"John...oh...oh...John, please, baby..."_ Susan was starting to gasp slightly, she could feel the sensations coiling in her belly, she was so close, just on the verge, needing to finish, but wanting the feeling to continue. Wanting him to spill his hot fluid inside her, needing to create a child, hoping beyond hope that this act of love was making a baby.

John picked up the pace slightly, changing things just enough to elicit a very long moan from her lips, their bodies naturally increasing the tempo, both desperately seeking the climax that was so close but evading them. Susan felt his hand slide down between their bodies, working her sensitive nub as their bodies glided together.

"Oh!" She cried out as it finally rolled over her, her back arching as she felt his corresponding release. The warmth that seemed to fill her as his body twitched and he sank down onto her, trying to catch his breath.

After a few moments, he disengaged from her body, turning onto his back, wrapping an arm around her, bringing her in close to him as they recovered.

Susan lay against his chest as his fingers ran up and down her arm. wallowing in the aftermath. Recognizing how emotionally close she had felt to him while they were making love, knowing that she was trying to create a child with him.

It had never felt like this before, she and Chuck had purposely gotten pregnant with Cosmo, but it felt like...work. All the times he had fucked her in the bathroom, wanting to have a baby, but compared to what was going on with John, that is all it felt like she and Chuck had ever done. Fucked each other. Had she ever really loved Chuck, or had she just been seeking the companionship, wanting it to be love?

What she was feeling now, was totally different, an intimacy on a whole different level.

"Do you think it worked?" Susan brushed her fingers down his cheek.

Carter looked over at her. "Um, well, everything seemed to be working fine from my point of view. Do you have a different opinion?"

Susan gave a small laugh. "Everything was more than satisfactory. You know what I mean, John."

"I do know, and who knows? You are here for a few days, we can...try again...as many times as you want." He gave her a kiss. "We both know how it works, luck of the draw? You can improve the odds by trying to time things, but there are no guarantees. We should just pretend you don't want to get pregnant, and then for sure it would happen."

"Isn't that the truth. Might even work."

"So, I didn't know you were testing, when did you start doing that?"

"My doctor recommended it, this is the first month I've been doing it. I guess I need to get moved down here to make it effective though, what if we aren't in the same city, like today I had to take a day off so I could come up here."

"It shouldn't be more than 6 weeks though right? If it happens, phone me and I will see if I can come down to Des Moines if I'm not there."

"You would do that?"

"You did it. Got on the train and came up here a day early? I can't guarantee I could make it, but I can sometimes rearrange my schedule. In reality, you should be done work soon, and you will be moving anyways, and maybe it will happen this time, so don't worry about it."

"She offered me fertility drugs too. Given I'm over 40."

"Are you taking them?"

"No, not yet. I wanted your opinion first, before I made that decision. You know that as I am older we already have a greater chance of multiples, fertility drugs will increase the odds and I am not sure how you feel about it. But it will also increase the chances of conception, making it happen sooner rather than later." She tipped her head up, to look at him.

"Hm, well, the more the merrier I guess, but I would be worried about triplets." John gazed down into her sparkling eyes.

"Sure it would be a houseful, but we could manage. We could have those 2.5 children, just like the statistics." She smiled at that thought.

"No, that is not what I meant. Multiples, even twins, increase the risk, Susan. I would be worried about you and about the babies. We both know that multiples often come early, and it is a high risk pregnancy, and for someone over 40 it is even a higher risk. It could mean preterm babies, a c-section, and all sorts of other factors. That is what I would worry about."

Susan furrowed her brow, she could tell that he was really serious, and it was not a time for her to joke. Joking came easily to her, it always had, but this was not one of those things that she could take lightly. Especially with John, considering he had lost a seemingly perfectly healthy child at the 8th month. No one could predict how this would go.

"I know. My pregnancy with Cosmo was good though, I am in very good health, and have no risk factors aside from my age. My doctor is going to monitor me closely, I have already been in touch with my doctor here in Chicago and I will get in to see her early on if I get pregnant. Would you freak out if I did a low dose for a few months?"

"No, not at all. The key is low dose of the mildest one that you can, and try to do this without getting into things like IVF where they like to implant numerous embryos. If your doctor has cleared you to do it, then fine. I think we both agree that the sooner it happens the better, simply because of the age factor."

"John, are you going to be okay through all of this?"

"All of what? Having a baby?"

"Yes. I know you say you want it, but...I get it won't be easy."

"I'll worry, most people do, but nothing I can't handle, Susan. I went through something difficult, but I also recognize how much I want this too. I would not do this if I thought it presented too much risk, but given you're a doctor as well, we both know the realities. You very obviously want this to happen."

Susan nodded. "Yes, I do. I know we only have so much time to make this happen before the risk levels go up even further. So next cycle, I want to try with the fertility drugs if it doesn't happen this time around."

"Agreed. In the meantime..." He gave her another deep kiss, pulling her towards him.


	13. Turn Me On

"Hello _Docteur_." Susan heard the charming slightly accented and taunting voice as a pair of hand slid up and over John's eyes where they were standing at the bar.

She saw the slight smile as he turned and swept the petite, slim woman up in a hug. "Angelique."

"John. You look really great." The dark hair and skinned woman pulled back to give him the once over. "Wow, you look really wonderful." She gave him a beautiful smile then she kissed each cheek.

"Couldn't look a lot worse than last time you saw me unless I was dead." John returned the kisses, then slid an arm around Susan.

Angelique inclined her head slightly, acknowledging the truth of the statement. Still, he looked totally in his element, dressed casually in expensive jeans, button down shirt, a leather coat draped over the back of his stool. She noted his deathly pallor was gone, he looked at least 20 years younger than she remembered. Fit, healthy, and…happy. Happy like he had not been since he and Kem had left for Chicago when she was pregnant with Joshua.

"This is Dr. Susan Lewis." John introduced her. "Angelique was the surgeon in Kisangani, and later in Kinshasa.

"Nice to meet you, Susan." Angelique's dark eyes scanned the lovely blond woman beside John. Susan seemed to be absolutely glowing, her vibrant green eyes full of life, full of happiness, and if she was not mistaken, full of love for the man standing beside her. "You've know John long?"

"Years, since he was 23 actually."

"Oh do tell." Angelique gave John a sassy grin. "I have all sorts of stories about him."

Susan grinned. "So do I, we will have a lot to talk about."

"Watch out there you two, it goes both ways."

"Oh I know."

John slung his jacket and Susan's both over his arm and they moved to the booth that Debbie had claimed for them. They ordered a round of drinks, John surprising Susan by ordering a beer, she choose a non-alcoholic drink which got an appraising look from Debbie.

John dropped his black credit card on the table. "Open us a tab please." The server nodded and ran his card quickly, handing it back to him.

"You don't have to do that John." Angelique had been digging in her purse.

"Don't worry about it, my treat. I cannot believe you both came to Chicago." He was incredibly happy to see the two women, both had proven to be friends during one of his darkest times. He felt he had few secrets from them, they had seen him at his worst, at death's door, and without them he was not sure he would have survived. He felt a flash of bitterness towards Kem, the woman who swore she loved him, but had been nowhere near when he needed her the most. He pushed this down quickly, glancing over at Susan, someone he was pretty sure would never be the same way.

"Well, we have a seminar next week, apparently some guy here is opening a cutting edge clinic that offers an AIDS/HIV treatment center for children? Know anything about it?"

John shook his head with a grin. "Nope not a thing. So you are both going on the tour then. Todd asked about letting the group have access to see the facilities."

"We are. Debbie heard about the seminar and told me I should fly over and attend, considering it was a lot of information on clinic set up, HIV/AIDS treatment, and they had chosen Chicago as it was about to open the newest example available in the US. I cannot wait to see it, John, really exciting. Are you going to be there?"

"Yes, the organizers asked if I would be there, do a brief talk about how it all came about, answer a few questions. My right hand man Todd Becker is going to be there as well, he did a ton of the work and has more experience than I do as far as setting these things up."

Debbie nodded. "But you did a great job at the IDP camp too, managed that for quite a while."

"Not really the same Debbie, we both know US health care is polar opposite to Africa and particularly Darfur. Not the same challenges, not even close. Not to say we don't see our fill of guns and violence coming into the ER, but not to the level of lawlessness that is Africa."

"True, I still remember that activist and his pregnant wife, balls of steel, taking her back to the compound."

"Damn lucky we kept her hidden you mean. If they had found her we would have all been dead, you were thinking, the shower was genius."

Susan frowned. "The shower? You hid a pregnant woman in the shower?"

"No, Debbie went and took a shower, and we played music to help mute the sound. The poor woman was in full on labor, but they were going to kill her if they got their hands on her and they would have shot us for hiding her…or worse. So she hid and we distracted the guys. The one soldier goes in and opens the curtain, finding her in there, and we used it to make them leave. You know, barging in on the white woman in the shower, harassing us in our compound, they were not supposed to be there. So they left. Though it only got worse from there, the woman was having troubles with the delivery and we had to do an emergency section, it was not pretty."

"They all survived though John. Thanks to you. The father of the baby had been brought in badly injured and they took him and threw him in jail. John went and demanded to see him, then pretended the guy had died and talked them into letting us take the body for disposal."

"He wasn't dead?"

"No, critical, but not dead. We actually managed to save him, and a few days later he was well on the way to recovery. Lucky they just took my word for it and let me carry the guy out of there. It was a team effort. Nothing gets done over there without a team effort. Greg and Dakarai took the woman into the next town where there was a hospital with a proper setup, we rescued the dad. Definitely a team."

Susan listened fascinated as they reminisced and drank to a few of the doctors and staff that had not made it home. And the ones that had, but were no longer around, Pratt included. Susan had the chance to share a few stories about working with John at County as well.

John excused himself for a few minutes and Susan had a chance to visit with the women alone.

"He seems happy." Debbie commented.

Angelique nodded. "Kem is bat shit crazy, but looks like he is really happy."

Susan laughed slightly. "What?"

"Oh, we just all thought Kem was a total idiot. I mean she's lovely and brilliant and all of that, but she is blind when it comes to men. Her loss is apparently your gain though."

Susan shrugged. "I never thought of it that way, but I suppose so. There was something so entirely right about seeing him again, it had been a while, but…it is working out well."

"It's interesting, her choices. She had John, then last time she was in Kinshasa she shows up with some boy toy from France. I really don't get what she was thinking, she gives up someone like John and takes up with that guy. I swear the guy almost peed his pants the first time he encountered the Resistance coming in with guns. I thought he was going to dive under the nearest cot. I think he lasted less than a week and he was back on a plane to Paris with his tail between his legs. I understand Kem gave him the boot, no way could the guy ever make it in Africa, too much of a coward. He was cute and all, but he was a fool and not cut out for Africa."

"John never dove under cots?" Susan of course already knew the answer to that, she had never seen John Carter avoid much of anything when it came to dealing with patients.

"Not that I ever saw. He showed no fear, told the guys with guns to bugger off at regular intervals. He told me once that he had been working during one of the biggest gang wars in Chicago, said the hospital was almost overrun at times."

Susan nodded. "It's true, we had the same gang members coming back two or three times, it was like they were patched up, and off they went, on the streets again, and often we would get them back again. We had one kid who was flipping out, John calmed him down and got him to sit so we could suture him. He's always been great with the patients, and he has dealt with some scary people in the ER, so probably why he didn't panic, not the first time he has been confronted by an armed gunman. You should have John give you a tour of County, he still fills in there as Attending."

"How about you, you're a doctor, where do you work?"

"Right now? A hospital in Des Moines, Iowa, but I have given my notice, and I will be working in Chicago. I need to relocate."

"Need to? I noticed…you aren't drinking with us, what gives there? Is there news?" Angelique smiled at her.

"Mm, well, not really news. Maybe I should say I want to relocate." Susan was reluctant to discuss the baby making with two strangers.

John slid back into the booth, noting the smirk on Angelique's face.

"What?"

"Susan was just saying she needed to relocate to Chicago, and I was wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that she isn't drinking either."

John gave Angelique a little look.

"Not specifically, but she is moving in with me, if that is what you are asking."

Debbie raised an eyebrow at him. "So, no…news?"

"So, you want to know if Susan is pregnant, the answer is no. She's not."

Debbie looked a bit disappointed. "Oh, I was kind of hoping. But sorry none of my business."

"Don't worry about it. We would not mind having a baby, we will just see how it goes."

Susan could feel his hand rub her knee, giving a slight squeeze. He was trying to downplay it, they didn't know she and John had spent a good couple hours in bed together just this afternoon, perhaps conceiving the baby he 'would not mind having'.

Debbie started to grin. "So you're trying to get pregnant."

Susan was a bit taken aback that Debbie was being so forward about the baby conversation with John, considering it was such a sensitive subject. But she noted he was not at all upset with her and he did not seem sad or bothered, in fact there was a little trace of a smile tugging at his lips.

"Yes, we are trying to get pregnant, but we aren't exactly announcing it." He gave her a little shrug. "So Susan isn't drinking. Just don't talk about it okay? You know how people get all crazy about stuff like this, we don't want anyone we work with here to know, not until it happens. Too much pressure otherwise?"

Both Angelique and Debbie were now grinning like mad fools.

"Wow, that is absolutely fantastic news!" Debbie slid over and wrapped her arms around John giving him a very big hug and a kiss. "I wish you the best of luck."

Susan watched with a little frown, Debbie was a bit too familiar with John for her liking. After coming home to finding her in their shower, she was still a bit perturbed.

Carter was watching Susan, and he knew she was less than thrilled about the hugging, especially since she knew that he'd been with Debbie. A long time ago now, and it was only a couple months they'd actually been involved, but still, she had the pissed off Susan look about her. He gave Debbie's hand a squeeze then moved closer to Susan, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her in. She stiffened slightly, but he didn't let her go, his hand curving around her hip, subtly inviting her to relax.

Debbie and Angelique stepped away to use the ladies room and John decided to give Susan a little reassurance. He leaned in giving her neck a gentle nuzzle, kissing a couple of those spots he knew were most sensitive for her.

"Relax, they are friends, nothing more." He whispered against her ear. "I love you."

Susan could feel herself melting in his arms. Damn him, he knew just the spot on her neck that would make her dissolved into a puddle, and he was not above using that against her. The touch from his fingertips was creating little tingles like electricity running up her side, and right down…there. She was starting to feel a little damp. She inhaled deeply, she loved the way he smelled, the tang of aftershave, how it combined with his unique scent.

Well, two can play at that game. She ran her hand down his leg, then back up, resting her hand on his upper thigh very casually, her fingers rubbing subtly. His hand squeezed her hip slightly, acknowledging what she was doing to him. Susan didn't get far with her teasing though, between the others returning to the table and the vibration against her other hip, the one that was pressed up to Carter.

"What is that?"

"My phone." He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at it. "I have to get this, ladies excuse me for a moment?"

He held the phone to his ear as he walked away, trying to find somewhere a bit quieter to have a conversation. He was back moments with a grim look on his face.

"I have to go. The ER has been trying to get me, mass casualties from an apartment fire, and they don't have enough staff. Sorry, I didn't want to cut this short." He pulled out his credit card and handed it to Susan, along with the keys to his car. "Buy everyone dinner, and I will see you back at apartment. I'll take the L, take the car home?" He gave her a quick kiss and he headed for the door.

Susan was left sitting with the black card in her hand, looking at the other two women across the table from her.

Angelique tilted her head. "Aren't you a doctor too?"

"Yes, but my license has not been transferred back from Iowa yet, I can't do anything to help. Do you feel like pub food or should we go find a real restaurant."

Angelique and Debbie both smiled. "Real food." Angelique tossed back the rest of her drink. "I live in Africa several months out of the year, as does Debbie. We like to try and eat as well as we can when we escape the compound.

They walked out of the pub, Susan clicked the remote on John's car. Debbie got a little smile on her face.

"Wow, he lets you drive this?"

"Not usually, but I guess tonight is my lucky night. Hop in." Susan slid behind the wheel, a little nervous that she was going to drive the Maserati. She knew how to drive a stick shift, but she knew the thing had incredible horsepower, and it was a prized possession, having come from his family estate. She adjusted the seat, which was easy with all the power buttons, then turned over the engine, hearing it purr to life and could not help but get a grin on her face. She carefully put it in gear and eased out into traffic.

It wasn't long before she started to relax, enjoying the powerful car, and loving the looks when she pulled up in front of the restaurant and had the valet take the car. They walked into Dominic's, though it was dinner time, she was pretty sure they would be seated right away.

"Dr. Lewis, good evening. Reservations?"

"Sorry no, any chance of a table?"

"For…three? Is Dr. Carter joining you?"

"No he was called in to work. Just the three."

They were seated promptly at a nice table, despite the number of people waiting. Debbie and Angelique looked impressed at the quick service and the ambiance of the restaurant. Susan knew that John used to come here a lot with his grandmother, and now it was fast becoming one of her favourites as well. The food was always excellent, it had a great menu and they always were seated quickly.

Carter hopped of the L and hurried down the stairs, hitting the ER about the same time as the first of the ambulances started rolling in.

"Nice of you to show up." Jerry gave him a look. "Don't answer your pages?"

"I wasn't on call, I only work once or twice a week, I didn't have my pager on me. You found me just the same, I did answer my phone." He shot back at Jerry as he whipped off his jacket and tucked it under the admit desk, catching the gloves and gown Haleh tossed him on the way by.

They exited back to the ambulance bay.

"Give me the bullet Doris." He reached over and snagged the stethoscope from Haleh's neck, not having had a chance to get to his locker.

He took in the vitals that the paramedic shot at him as they rushed the burn victim into the ER, Carter could see the med students looking lost.

"Rachel, come join as." He called over to her as they rolled by. "The rest of you attached yourself to an attending or senior resident, we are clearing all the majors coming, only critical patients get seen until we have this under control. Haleh who's triaging?"

"Sam."

"Perfect." Carter noticed that the ER was in disarray tonight, he sighed, wishing that he had some of the old team still around.

He noted that the residents were now on the move to bring in the other burn victims, but there did not seem to be a senior Attending around.

"Who's Attending?"

Haleh looked at him. "You."

"No one else? Are you kidding me? There was no Attending on duty?"

"Brenner went AWOL, Morris is off and we can't reach him. Gates is not answering his pager either."

"Stat page surgery and the burn unit and get some people down here." He barked out directions to get the treatment started on the patient he was with, then got one of the Senior Residents to take over.

He moved down the line of each room and patient, making sure the treatments were appropriate. Within 20 minutes he had 30 patients on the board, and he was rotating through them, getting the med students running, and transporting the most critical up to the burn ward immediately, despite resistance from the doctors upstairs.

"You are supposed to do a certain amount for them here and we can't just take them all upstairs."

"What choice do we have? You are going to get them anyway, I have them stable, and I am lacking staff. I was phoned in, I wasn't on call or on duty, I only work here a couple times a week. I don't have the staff available to treat them properly, I have 30 patients on the board in 20 minutes. You need to take the most critical burn victims right away. Do it." He stared the younger doctor down, and he immediately started taking patients upstairs.

The next several hours were an uphill battle, but finally it died down. Morris and Brenner finally strolled in a about 4 am in the morning, and John was livid by then. But he had successfully treated and transported or released all of the apartment fire casualties and cleared the board by then.

Cate Banfield ran in just as Carter was taking a strip off the two in the lounge.

"Dr. Carter. A word please." Banfield shooed the two other doctors out of the lounge. "Just what is going on?"

"Holy hell, I get called in on my night off, and there was no Attending on duty?" He crossed his arms. "We had a mass casualty apartment fire, and we had no doctors. What is going on? Brenner was supposed to be here, and he wanders in hours later? The Chief Resident didn't answer his pager when he is on call? I think I would like to know what is going on."

"How did it turn out? It seems like the board is clear."

"Sure, but I walked in to chaos, and Jerry had the balls to lecture me about answering my pager? I'm not on call, I'm not on duty. Yet they tracked me down on my cell phone and I came in. What if I was out of town? You know I often go away for several days at a time, if I had not been in Chicago, what would have happened? What the hell is going on with the doctors?"

"We've lost too many recently, and I am having a hard time replacing them. I made an offer to Dr. Lewis, which she declined, and I have not had a lot of other great applicants. Can you get Dr. Lewis to reconsider?"

"No, I can't, she took another job. County didn't even offer her the same salary as she has in Des Moines, no tenure, and crappy hours. She left County because she didn't feel valued, and the salary offered was barely more than what she made when she left here 5 years ago. She won't work here."

"Will you take more hours?"

"No, I don't want more hours, I have too much on my plate as it is. We are about to open the Carter Center. The best I can do is suggest some of the unsuccessful applicants from our hiring drive apply to County. I believe in County, I do, but my priority is making sure the Carter Center runs at full capacity."

"Damn, you hired Lewis. She told you all this, you know way too much about her personal affairs."

"Damn rights I hired Lewis. We offered her a Senior Management position, with full benefits, good salary and tenure. She was ER Chief here and she is Senior Management in Des Moines, the ER there is running like clockwork. Too bad County didn't have the foresight to keep her when they could have, Kerry Weaver made a grave error letting her walk out that door. She does not have the time or inclination to come back here."

"Why would she even come back to Chicago, you lured her away from Des Moines with a sweet offer?"

Carter gave her a small smile. "She is relocating for personal reasons and she took the best offer. I know her, I know her work, she is perfect for the position we offered her. I know we have an affiliation with County as far as the land we are on and we are going to work in concert, you will be able to refer patients to our programs, but I can't give any more of my time here. I spent years bringing the Carter Center to fruition, not to mention a lot of money, I still have a lot of work to do there. And I won't sacrifice our start up either. You need to get these residents trained properly. And your current staff needs to learn how to carry their pagers."

Banfield nodded. "Okay, points taken, Dr. Carter. Go home, thanks for covering off."

Carter finally tiptoed through the door at 5 am, the apartment was silent. He got to the bedroom and stripped off his clothes, crawling into the bed in just his boxers.

Susan was awake, they had gotten in late, the three of them. Debbie and Angelique were passed out drunk in the guest room, she'd had a fun time out with the girls, even though she wasn't drinking. She got a real insight to life in Africa, thinking that John really had been brave to live there for so long, and these ladies were even more brave to still live there.

"How did it go?" She whispered, moving close to John, cuddling up against him.

"I could ask you the same, sorry for leaving you like that."

"It was fine, I had fun, they are a couple of really great ladies. I see why you like them, why you are friends. Sorry about the credit card bill though." Susan got a slight grin on her face, thinking about how much they had charged on his card, both at the pub and at the restaurant...and at the next pub they had gone to afterwards.

"Why, did you buy everything on the dinner menu?"

"No but between the drinks, snacks, and the restaurant it was quite a bit that we charged on there."

"I am sure it's fine Susan, don't worry about it, unless you were out buying dinner for half of Chicago, I don't really care."

"How did it go at work though?"

"Rough. Mass casualty event, and there was not Attending to be found. I was the Attending."

"What! Boy, I should be thankful I didn't take the County job."

"Yes, you should be thrilled, Banfield asked me if I could get you to reconsider."

"What did you say?"

"No way in hell? I am not going to try and talk you into it, we've both given a lot of years and a lot of our lives to County, sometimes it is just time to move on."

"You know if they had given me a decent offer I would have considered it, but I felt kind of insulted really. She was offering me an Attending position, for less money, more hours and no tenure, not even close to what I had in Des Moines. I might consider volunteering once in a while, but then again I might now have time to even do that, not with my position at the Center, having Cosmo, and...if we are lucky that 'baby we would not mind having'."

John picked up on the statement and reached out, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"I think you know what I meant...I hope you understand what I was saying. I really do want a baby with you, Susan, it's just...I don't want to put too much pressure on either of us. I have seen people get all neurotic and crazy over trying to have a baby and until it actually happens for us I just can't dwell on it. It seems...to good to be true. All of what is happening between us still feels a little unreal."

Susan studied him for a minute. "You are worried it won't happen, or something is going to go wrong?" She said this gently.

"Maybe. No one can know what is going to happen Susan, one minute everything is great and then it's not. I know that all too well, it is just one day at a time for me, looking too far into the future...well, I can't do it. I need to be in the here and now."

"The here and now." Susan said this like a statement, but John could hear the slight questioning tone in her voice too.

"Yes. How do I explain it, other than...so many people are chasing something, with the thought...if only I had this, then I would be happy. I am going to postpone being truly happy until I reach this specific goal or obtain the one thing I really want. The problem is, life is unpredictable, and you may never get where you truly want to be, so...you need to make decisions that make you the happiest, and be grateful for the things you have in the here and now."

"So we should settle, is that it?"

"No. Not at all, having goals and trying to make your life better is a good thing, just that at some point you need to just be happy with everything you have, otherwise you are sentencing yourself to a life of chasing the brass ring. Put it in perspective. We both want a baby, together. But, we can't guarantee that it will happen as much as we would like it to. Not to say we shouldn't try and make it happen, obviously we are trying to make a baby. But, in the meantime, be grateful that we have each other, that we are both healthy, that we have meaningful and productive jobs. Relax and enjoy the ride, knowing it will happen if it is meant to be."

"So if we can't have a baby, you would be okay with that."

"If we can't have a baby, it kind of takes the decision away from us. I would accept it, and be happy with what we do have. I accepted some time ago that I may not ever have a family, you coming back into my life, and having another shot at it was unexpected. Which is what I am saying, we just can't see the future. Even without a child of our own, we can have a good life together. I know Cosmo is not my son, but he is part of my life because he is part of yours. We could look at other ways of bringing children into our lives, maybe look at adopting or being foster parents. Things happen for a reason."

Susan clearly understood what he was saying to her, and she could not disagree. That they had a chance to find love again was the biggest gift imaginable, whether or not they were able to have a traditional family together. He might be disappointed about not having his own biological child, but he also recognized it was not the end of the world, and he could live happily with what he had in his life.

Susan moved closer, wrapping her hand around the back of his neck, playing with the soft hair. Their lips met tenderly, soft kisses that became deeper and more passionate. John pulled her in, molding her body against his, letting his fingertips skim down over the dress shirt she was wearing...his shirt he realized. He deftly undid the buttons, opening the soft fabric to expose her beautiful full breasts, her slim, tantalizing body.

Susan tilted her head to the side, allowing him access to her neck, encouraging the sensual butterfly touches of his lips, the gentle suction on the sensitive spots. As he reached her breasts, she let her hands wander through his hair, bringing his head in, her nipples hard peaks, the desire coursing through her. John ran his thumbs over her taught areolas, taking each breast in turn to his mouth, hearing Susan's soft moans, feeling her pull him in closer, encouraging him.

He took his time, moving between her breasts, sucking, nipping teasing, creating a frisson of need in her belly, tendrils running directly down all the way to her toes. Susan gasped as it hit her, unexpected, her back arching up, her muscles pulsing, her hips rising, begging for his touch.

_"Oh, John."_

He moved down her body, kissing over her navel now, he could smell the scent of her arousal, hear the soft sounds issuing from her throat. His lips created a trail down the outside of her thighs, stopping to tease the sensitives spots behind her knees before he moved up her inner thighs.

Susan was feeling powerless, writhing under his touch, reaching for him as he engulfed her, the damp warmth of his mouth almost immediately causing a second climax, her senses becoming overwhelmed as she sobbed, barely able to catch her breath. He continue his ministrations until the third wave crashed over her, the world stopping seemingly forever as her body convulsed under his touch.

She was aware of the length of his body covering hers, his lips on hers again, his tongue plundering her mouth, the sweet taste on his tongue. Her own taste, her own smell, clinging to him, as she welcomed him into her warm depths, the thrust of his hips against hers.

Susan slid her hands down to cup his firm ass, holding him tight to her for a moment, stilling his movement. Her eyes locked on his deep dark ones, they seemed almost pitch black, hazy with desire as he gazed down at her. There was nothing but him, their very souls connected as they shared the very intimate moment, him buried deep inside her, neither of them moving.

Susan released him, fingertips brushing up his back as by silent agreement they both fell into a gentle rhythm. The ripples started washing over her, him hitting her sweet spot with each fluid thrust, over and over, he was burying himself inside her.

 _"John, oh, yes!"_ Her voice was breathless against his hair, his face buried into her neck, his breath sweet hot wisps tickling her skin. Her words faded into half moans, escaping her half parted lips, as their bodies danced against each other.

John was now having trouble maintaining control, her slick warmth, the soft pulsing of her smooth walls and the sexy sounds issuing from her throat were driving him to the edge. He could feel it rising, his effort futile in quelling or holding off his own release, hoping she was close enough that he would bring her over the edge with him.

With a final low groan, it overtook him, he could hear a rushing sound in his ears, and her miraculous final "Oh!" echoing in his head as she clamped around him, contracting, milking him of every drop of the warm fluid that was now filling her.

They both collapsed, neither able to move, the sheen of sweat slowly evaporating as they caught their breaths. Susan could feel his body quivering, she herself felt disconnected, a bit like jelly, boneless, and completely relaxed.

John felt her arms around him, the gently stroking of his hair, the caress against the back of his neck, the feeling of the sheet covering his rapidly cooling body. He finally found the will to roll slightly, keeping Susan against him, tightly wrapped in his arms.

Once Susan had managed to snag the sheet and cover them, she was content to stay molded up against his warm body, her eyes closed. Her leg casually draped over his, feeling no inclination to break the contact. She felt the soft kiss touch her forehead, her eyelids, then moved to brush her lips.

"Incredible, baby." Low and mellow, she could feel the warmth of his voice trickle over her, causing a slight shiver to go down her spine.

Her eyes drifted open, staring directly into his chocolate ones, as the smile twitched at the corner of her mouth. It had been incredible, she had been totally lost to everything but the two of them in this room.

"I'd ask if we could do that again, but I don't think I can move." Her voice equally as quiet, neither of them wanting to break the mood.

"I know that feeling." Though uncharacteristic, John was not sure he would have been able to comply in any case, their love making had been intense, he was not sure he had anything left at the moment. They'd been having great sex regularly but it usually took much longer to get to this point, where he felt so physically drained.

His closed his eyes, intending to rest them for a few moments, instead waking much later, his arms empty, he could hear movements and voices in the apartment. He squinted at the clock, realizing it was after 10 am already, and everyone else must be having some breakfast. He dragged himself out of bed, wandering into the bathroom, turning on the shower full blast in an effort to fully wake up.

"Hey, look who it is!" Debbie's bright smile greeted him as he finally emerged from the bedroom some time later. "What time did you get home?"

"I don't know, about 5 am I guess."

"Really? And you are out of bed? You look surprisingly chipper for someone who only got about 5 hours of sleep."

“No worse than you I’m sure...what time did you all get back? Late I bet."

"Maybe 3 am? It was a good time, though poor Susan here had to pour two very drunk ladies into your car."

John could see the evidence in her eyes, she looked cheerful, but there was an edge of fatigue, and maybe a slight hangover lingering there. Debbie was suffering in her normal sunny, good natured way, the damage self inflicted from too many drinks.

His eyes met Susan's, she was in the kitchen, working on pancakes, despite the lack of sleep she looked beautiful, there was a soft glow to her skin, her eyes were bright.

He wandered behind the counter, casually pouring a cup of hot coffee, stopping to give her kiss along the way. Susan leaned into him slightly, inhaling deeply as his hand ran down her back in a subtle caress. She knew if Debbie was not there she would be tempted to take him back to bed, but then again if she did, she was not sure they would leave the bedroom all day. What had happened last night still felt almost surreal to her, it felt like a dream...a very, very, good dream.

Susan had woken up at about 9 am, feeling quite serene, and satisfied, still completely naked, glued to John, a little sticky and sweaty from being cozied up to his hot body all night. He was like a heater some nights, radiating warmth. She could hear his deep even breathing, she extricated herself carefully, sure he was exhausted after the long and unexpected shift at County.  After a refreshing shower, she found Debbie in the kitchen, trying to locate coffee, looking bleary eyed.

"You look hung over. Is Angelique still sleeping?" John addressed Debbie as he sipped his coffee.

"Yes, I think she drank the most, she will be paying for it all day. She might need a little hair of the dog. I think we owe you, that bar bill must have been crazy."

"Don't worry about it. You all had a good time, a little of the civilized life while being out of Africa, just enjoy it. What did you two have planned for the day?"

"Just a bit of sightseeing, we will get out of your way, if Angelique ever gets out of bed. We will go check into the hotel, but we are around all next week, so I hope we can get together again before we have to go back to Kinshasa. What excitement do you two have planned?"

"Oh, we have a few appointments later on, I told you about the house, so, we need to visit the designer, pick out some interior finishes, order some furniture, just...a bit of shopping and running around, nothing terribly exciting. Susan has to go back to Des Moines Sunday night, but I'll be around, between work and meetings."

It was not long afterwards that their house guests departed, leaving them to their own devices.


	14. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

Susan sat at her desk, idly wrapping her hair around her finger. She only had a couple weeks left in Des Moines, her house had sold, she had packed up the majority of her life here, including most of her work.

She was feeling down, despite the fantastic weekend she and John had spent not so long ago, her period had arrived on time. She knew it was coming, the total lack of pregnancy symptoms had warned her, they had been unsuccessful in the attempt to make a baby.

Not that they hadn't tried, the sex had been truly amazing, it seemed to be getting better every time they made love.

"Hey, you don't look too busy at the moment?" Lexi was at her door, smiling brightly. Lexi it turned out was going to replace her in the current position, here in Des Moines, which was a great thing. Susan was happy for her friend, she knew Lexi deserved a promotion.

"Nope, come on in to my office…well your office actually. I will have my stuff out of here pretty soon, I think the last couple weeks I am going to mostly down in the ER. Now that you are taking over so much, it seems I have time to be idle. Congratulations again, I am glad they chose you as my replacement."

Lexi perched on the chair across for her. "Are you really okay? You have been a bit out of sorts today. Everything okay with you and John?"

"Yes, he's wonderful, it's just…I got my period this morning. I was so sure that we were going to get pregnant, I mean, a whole weekend of incredibly mind blowing sex, and nothing? I can't believe it. Maybe he's right."

"About what?"

"We should pretend we don't want to have a baby, and I would get knocked up just like that. Isn't that how it works? I mean, the number of pregnant teenage girls that came through the ER last week is mind boggling, and none of them want their babies. I want a baby so badly, I'm having regular unprotected sex and nothing. I even have been using ovulation predictors, which even tell me my most fertile time and it doesn't happen. They go once without a condom and it's oops, pregnant. One of the girls is 15…Lexi, 15 years old, and she is freaking out, too late for an abortion for her, and her parents don't want her to keep the baby, unless she marries the boy.  A 16 year old boy, being forced to marry a 15 year old girl and she doesn't want to get married. What is going to happen to that poor little baby?"

Lexi nodded. "I hear you, but how long have you and John actually been trying? How long have you even been together as a couple? What, three, four months? Come on Susan, it takes the average woman 6 months to a year, you need to be patient."

"I know, I just…ahhhh…another thing he's right about, people get all obsessed and crazy about getting pregnant. I swear, he is going to run away from me screaming, I can't help myself, I just really want to have a baby. I want to have _his_ baby…I have dreams of these perfect little babies, and they look up at me with his eyes, those deep brown eyes and I just melt."

Lexi laughed. "Oh I am sure he is not going to run away. You two are so perfect for each other, you are madly crazy in love with the guy, and you have set your heart on something, giving him a child, having a family with him.  I get it, I really do. At least you have a good looking doctor with whom to have regular mind blowing sex…I can't find a decent guy to even date."

"I'm sorry, you must be tired of listening to me go on about this. We need to find you a great guy."

"I'm trying sweetie, believe me. And hey, no worries at all. I understand, hearing the tick of the clock, right? I hear it very loudly, every day, I would love to have a baby. I think I might be going and doing a withdrawal from the bank soon, if you know what I mean."

Susan nodded. "I was thinking about it too, until John and I got back together, then…well I think he heard my clock a mile away, we had barely been together 30 seconds and I was proposing babies in my horribly drunken state."

Lexi giggled. "I remember you telling me, I think its cute, he is truly a good guy if he didn't take advantage of the naked drunk woman. I mean, stripping like that, wow Susan, didn't know you had it in you."

"Last time I tell you anything." She teased back. "Besides, he's a doctor and a bit of a playboy at times, nothing he hasn't seen, I'm pretty sure of that."

"Really…he's had that many girlfriends?"

"Oh quite a few, I can guarantee it. In fact I know some of his ex-girlfriends, remember I worked with him back in the day, no one ever mistook him as gay, that is for damn sure."

Lexi laughed again, then became more serious. "Have you been in to see your doctor?"

"Yes, just last week. Since I am over 40, she prescribed me a fertility drug. That is our next thing, I am going to try that for a few months."

"Did you talk to John about it? You aren't just going to start taking the drugs."

"No, I asked him, and he said okay as long as it is a low dose of the mildest we can get away with. He doesn't want to end up with triplets or something. He would worry too much about me, the health implications of multiples."

Susan's pager started to ring again. "ER, walk down with me?"

Susan slid on her lab coat and they both ran out of the room quickly.

Jenna looked over as Susan entered the ER. "Cassandra is back, can you see her? She won't talk to anyone but you, Dr. Lewis."

Susan nodded. Cassandra was the one and same pregnant 15 year old girl that she was just talking to Lexi about. The girl had panicked and kept the pregnancy secret, she was now about 24 weeks along, and had been coming into the ER regularly to see Susan. Her parents were very upset, not wanting to support the girl or the 'bastard' child as they called it. The parents were very old school, telling her that she would have to marry the father of the baby, something Cassandra just was not willing to do.

"Dr. Lewis." The girl sobbed. "My parents kicked me out of the house. I don't know what to do."

Susan gave the girl a warm hug, rubbing her back. This girl reminded her of her niece, Susie. They were very close to the same age, and her heart strings were pulled every time she saw this girl. What if her niece were ever in this position, who would help her?

Joe was not part of the picture any longer, he had divorced Chloe, though he would have taken Susie in a heartbeat, had he been allowed.

"It's okay Cassandra, we will work things out. Tell you what I can do, let's get Social Services down here, and we can find you a place to stay. Somewhere safe, where you can have proper meals and access to care during your pregnancy."

The girl rubbed her belly, which had become well rounded over the past couple months. The girl had been trying hard, eating properly, taking her pre-natal vitamins, but the parent were putting enormous pressure on the girl.

"Will they help me? My parents want me to marry Tyler, and I just…I don't love him like that, I want to go to college, I think I can get a scholarship if I can stay in school, but I can't do that with a baby."

"Cassandra, you have options. I am not really supposed to express an opinion, but I would agree that 15 is too young to get married, and having someone force you to marry someone…marriage is a very serious commitment. Would you maybe want to put the baby up for adoption? We spoke about that before, it would be a responsible thing to do, if you can't see keeping the baby."

"I don't know, Dr. Lewis, I'm so confused."

"Would you at least talk to the social worker? Let her go over some options for you, show you what might be done to help you out with your situation?"

Jenna knocked on the door softly. "Dr. Lewis, Dr. Carter is here."

"Thanks Jenna, tell him I'll be out shortly." Susan turned her attention back to the girl. "Cassandra?"

"Okay, yes, I'll talk to them."

"Sit tight. In the meantime, are you hungry? It's about lunch time?"

"Yeah, I am, I didn't get to eat before I left."

Susan made some notes on the chart, called Social Services to come down then went out to admit, where John was talking to Jason.

"Hey." He leaned down and gave her a quick light kiss. "Everything okay?"

Susan could feel the tears in her eyes, she took John by the hand and pulled him into one of the empty exam rooms, pulling to door to, but not quite shut.

"I'm not pregnant." She sobbed, moving into his welcoming arms.

"I'm sorry, baby. I know you want this, I do too." He rubbed her back gently. "We can try again though, keep doing what you're doing, and we will keep trying. That's part of the fun."

"Don't joke John, I know you probably think I'm insane, I'm getting all crazy like you predicted."

"Susan. I'm not thinking that at all. I just…wanted to make you feel better. I know we have been together for a while, and we have not been at all careful, but we have just really started the process. If it doesn't work, you know I would be willing to look at other options, adopt a baby maybe. Did you go see your doctor?"

"I did, and she gave me a low dose of fertility drugs, so maybe it will help. She did a scan and she doesn't see any blockages or anything, no reason why it isn't working."

"Time, we can give it some time, I know you are concerned about doing this soon, but I'm with you, okay?"

Susan nodded, then dabbed her eyes with a tissue. "We should get some lunch."

John opened the door, almost walking right into Cassandra, who was standing in the hallway. Cassandra blushed, looking up at the tall handsome doctor, a little frightened as she had just been caught eavesdropping.

"Hello there. Did you need some help finding something?" John looked down at the teenage girl, her doe eyes were wide and nervous.

"Sorry. I…just wanted to talk to Dr. Lewis again." She mumbled.

"Well, you came to the right place, she is right here."

Cassandra peered up shyly, his voice was kind, he did not seem at all angry or upset with her, though he must know that she had been listening to their conversation. His chocolate brown eyes twinkled slightly, and he gave her a little friendly wink, then motioned for her to go into the room.

"John." Susan was about to follow him out.

John. Cassandra looked up at him again, he looked…perfect. He must be Dr. Lewis's husband. They must be married if they were talking about having a baby together.

"Susan, your patient…" He looked at her with slightly raised eyebrows.

"Cassandra."

"Cassandra here was looking for you. I can give you a minute?" He squeezed Susan's arm lightly, then turned to walk off down the hall.

Susan pasted on a smile, trying hard to hide how upset she had just been. "What did you need? How about we go back to your room." Susan led the girl back to her exam room.

"Is he your husband?"

"No, we're not married, but he is…well, he's my boyfriend, I've known him a really long time."

"Do you love him?" Cassandra looked directly into Susan's eyes, gauging the doctor's reaction to the question.

Susan smiled. "Yes, Cassandra, I love him. He's a very good man."

"What does he do?"

Susan was getting a little confused about all the questions, but she didn't see the harm in opening up a bit to the girl, she hoped in return the girl would open up to her. After all, anyone could tell her he was a doctor.

"He's a doctor. He works in an Emergency Room as well, that is how we met, we worked together."

Cassandra nodded. "Tyler, my boyfriend, is just a jock, you know? He's really good at sports. He does pretty well at school too, but…I don't love him, not like you seem to love your boyfriend. I know I don't want to marry Tyler, and he doesn't want a baby, not right now anyways, he is only 16." Cassandra didn't ask if John wanted a baby, she had heard enough to know that Dr. Lewis was upset because she and…John…were not expecting a baby, and she wanted one. That he would be willing to do whatever to make Dr. Lewis happy. She had immediately liked Dr. Lewis's boyfriend, he seemed kind, and he obviously cared about his girlfriend.

"So, do you know what you might want to do? I have Social Services coming down soon."

"I think I want to let someone adopt my baby. Can I choose someone to adopt my baby?"

"I don't know, it probably depends on the agency you work with. Unless you know someone personally who might want a baby and be willing to take your child. But Social Services could answer that better than I can."

Cassandra nodded. "You should go for lunch, John is waiting for you, right?"

Susan looked at the girl keenly. "How did you know his name?"

"You called him John when you came out of the exam room. I was standing right there."

"Sorry, of course. I will be back in about an hour if you want to talk some more, and I am going to check in on you. Promise you will stay right here?"

"Yes, I…don't have anywhere else to go. I…thought I wanted to have an abortion, but it's too late now, but…maybe things happen for a reason."

Susan started at the term. It was what John had said…things happen for reason.

A couple hours later she was back in the ER, John was doing some job shadowing with a couple of the residents, and she wanted to check on how things went with Cassandra.

John had been following Jason, and they had needed a kit, that he knew was in exam 3. He knocked then went in, seeing the girl, Cassandra, sitting on the bed, idly picking at her food.

"Sorry, I just need something out of one of the cupboards." He went over and opened the top one, digging through and quickly locating what he was looking for. He stopped and watched the teenager for a moment. "Yeah, I don't think I'd eat that either." He joked lightly.

She lifted her eyes, seeing his smile, she noticed it went all the way into those deep soulful eyes.

"I am trying, I know I have to eat, but what I wouldn't give for a really big burger." She rubbed her slightly rounded belly. "Or maybe some pizza, and some ice cream."

John leaned on the counter, realizing that the girl was pregnant, and very young. It made total sense now why Susan had been so upset earlier, she was working with a girl who probably had not even intended to get pregnant, and Susan was desperately wanting to have a baby, and it was not happening fast enough.

"How far along are you?"

"Dr. Lewis says about 24 weeks. You know, I had thought about an abortion, but I waited too long. Now…I think I should give the baby up for adoption, but I'm scared. Really scared." She pushed the food around her plate some more. "My parents want to force me to marry the guy, I mean, we've been dating a couple months, it was the first time…we…you know."

John nodded. "It happens. What are you scared of?"

"Well, that no one will want my baby? The Social Services lady said that most of the parents looking to adopt really want a baby, but, I wish I could pick, you know? I didn't mean to get pregnant, but doesn't mean this poor little baby should suffer. I just…I know I sound horrible, but I'm not ready, for any of this. I don't want to get married, and be trying to take care of a baby. It was stupid, we didn't use any…you know."

"Protection? I hope you will in the future, though, use condoms? Not just to prevent getting pregnant, but to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections."

Cassandra's head popped up, she blushed slightly. "You don't have any trouble talking about this? Even to a girl?"

"No, not at all. I'm a doctor, Cassandra, you can talk to me about anything."

"Anything? What if I was your daughter? What would you say to me if I came home and said…daddy I'm pregnant? My parents freaked out, and now they've kicked me out, because I won't marry the guy. What would you do?"

John pulled out a stool and sat down, facing her. "Well, I am not lucky enough to have a daughter, but, if I did I would support her. Help her make the right decision for her. How old are you?"

"15."

"So young, but…old enough right? Everyone is different, but I have to say I disagree with your parents for kicking you out. You want to give up the baby for adoption, if you were my daughter, I would make sure that you were taking care of yourself and the baby, and help you do that. You know, a very good friend of mine, she put her son up for adoption, and it was a hard choice for her. She had all sorts of feelings about it, she was sad that she didn't feel able to take care of her son on her own, she felt a bit guilty really, but in the end she chose to make a couple happy. She made them a family, by giving them the healthy child they could not have themselves."

"Make a family, I like that idea. So, you think my job is to just make sure the baby is healthy?"

"Absolutely. You are 15 Cassandra, no one could really expect you to be ready to take care of a child, but if you can take care of yourself, and make sure you have a healthy baby, it is a huge gift for someone who wants a baby and can't have one."

"Do you have any kids…you said not a daughter, but do you have a son?"

"No, I don't have kids."

"You'd like to though, I can tell, the way you talk."

"Very much, but…life doesn't always turn out as planned. I am sure you know that."

"Yes, I do know. The Social Services lady said they would find me a place to stay, and help me with food and stuff. I guess they will get someone to do my checkup regularly so I can make sure that everything is okay with the baby. Dr. Lewis said that maybe we would do an ultrasound too, this visit."

"Hey, I have to get this over to the other room, but…can I come back and talk to you again, maybe a bit later?"

"I'd like that, I think I am going to be here for a while. Maybe I can call someone and get them to sneak me in a burger."

"Mm, we went to place just down the street at lunchtime, they make really good burgers, I like the one with the cheese and bacon on it."

"Me too, but I hate mustard, I'd love one of those, with fries and a chocolate milkshake. I have all sorts of cravings now."

John nodded and headed out of the room, dropping off the kit in the next door. Susan stepped in and grabbed his arm, pulling him into a quiet room.

"You were talking to Cassandra, what did she say?"

"Not much, we just talked a bit about how she is trying to make a decision on what to do, and how she needs to take care of herself. She is not eating, by the way."

"I know."

"Can you look the other way if I bring her some food?"

"Like what?"

"Just…a burger or something from the café down the street. Come on, she needs to get some protein into her, she is starving but the food sucks, it's hospital food. And she's having cravings, remember being pregnant and having cravings? You just have to satisfy them, you cannot fight it."

"You sound like some sort of guru or something, how would you know, you don't even have…" Susan stopped abruptly at the look that fleeted across his face. "Damn, John, that was stupid…I don't know why I say stuff like that." Susan had a flashback, he had been through the pregnant woman cravings with Kem, he used to pack up and ship her care packages, sending the stuff to Africa for her.

"Look, it's okay. You forget, it has been quite a long time since he died, Susan, just…don't worry about it. I'm going to go get her something."

"Okay, just…pretend it's yours or something if you get caught smuggling it in. Make sure you bring her some healthy choices."

"All right." He gave her a quick kiss, then disappeared. Susan watched him walk out of the ER, she didn't know why sometimes she forgot, she supposed it was easy to forget, his son died before he even had a chance to live.

Susan and Social Services went back in to see Cassandra, she was going to be waiting around for a while to find a place to stay. John reappeared a while later and nonchalantly wandered back into her room.

"Hi."

Cassandra was laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. She sat up as she smelled the food.

John pulled the tray over by the bed and sat a couple bags and a cup onto the surface.

"What's that?"

"One of those burgers you've been craving and a chocolate milkshake. I brought you a few other little snacks too, in case you are stuck waiting around too long. And I thought maybe you would like something to do…but I wasn't sure what sort of things you'd like doing."

"Thanks!" She dug into the bag, pulling out the food quickly and biting into the burger. "Mmmmm, this so good, John, thank you so much. The hospital food is…not very good."

"Yes, I know. You really need to feed that baby, but I understand the cravings, this is kind of a balance, got you a salad and fries. Anything else I can get you? Since you are here for a while, you can ask them to come find me if you need something."

"What I really need to do is my homework. But I need a little help with it."

"What subject?"

Cassandra grimaced. "Math. Algebra. I am not very good at it."

"Really. Can I see? I'm pretty good at math actually, maybe I can help."

"Are you sure?"

"That I'm good at math?" He teased lightly. "Yes, I managed to get through medical school, I think I can handle a little high school Algebra."

"No, I mean, are you sure you can help me? Don't you need to work?"

"Honestly? No. I don't really even work here, I was just helping out a bit, keeps me busy. I don't live in Des Moines, my job is in Chicago. I'm just hanging out until Susan…Dr. Lewis is ready to go, but I bet it will be a couple hours yet."

"You come see her from Chicago?"

"Mmhm. In fact, she is moving to Chicago pretty soon too. I work in the ER at County General."

"She's moving away? But she's my doctor."

"Don't worry, she will make sure you have another really great doctor before she moves. Thing is, she lived in Chicago for a long time, and I asked her to come live with me there. I miss her, we have to be apart a lot, traveling all the time between two cities is not going to work in the long term."

"Are you going to marry her?"

John smiled. "You sure ask a lot of questions."

"I know, but…I'm just kind of curious. So, are you? Going to marry her? Do you love her?" She met his eyes, he could see she was almost begging him to tell her. He didn't really understand why, but he heard the words come out of his mouth.

"Maybe someday she will want that…to get married, but it's kind of complicated. I love her with all my heart, she is going to live with me, that's a start, and when you love someone, sometimes that's enough."

"But to be truly…with someone, don't you need to marry them? Make that commitment?"

He laughed slightly. "You know, the answer I am sure people would want me to give you is that if you love someone, you have to marry them to make that full commitment. But in truth, you can be fully committed to someone without that little piece of paper."

Cassandra frowned slightly. "My parent say I have sinned, being with a boy, not being married, and my child is a bastard. That no one could love a child born in sin, and that is why I have to be married before this baby is born. Do you believe that?"

'No, not at all. I think children, babies, are little miracles, and creating one could never be a sin. Sex is simply part of life, a normal natural thing that humans do, and having sex outside of marriage is not shameful. Truthfully, it can be beautiful, something that brings you closer to someone, especially when you love them. Not that I am saying you should just run around having sex without thinking, and above all, if you are going to have sex you need to be safe, take precautions. I am not the morals police, I would never tell you what you should or should not do, I just want you to keep yourself safe and healthy. As far as your baby? You can bet there is a couple out there who desperately want to be parents, and they would love your baby, without question. If you give your child up for adoption, someone will welcome them, treasure them, love them, and give them the stability and care you are not ready to provide."

"You and Dr. Lewis want to have a baby, don't you? You're not married, but you want to have a baby."

John was a bit taken aback by the question. He had wondered how long Cassandra had been standing outside that room, and it was pretty clear now that she'd heard at least a good portion of their discussion. He felt that the lines were getting blurred, between patient and doctor, and he did not feel comfortable sharing any more of his personal life with her.

"Why don't you finish eating while that is still hot, and then I can help you out with some math? I will be back in a couple minutes." John opted not to answer the question, this was not something he was going to talk about with a 15 year old girl.

Cassandra nodded, knowing she had gone too far with the question and that he knew without a doubt she had eavesdropped on a good portion of his very private discussion with Dr. Lewis. He did not seem angry, but he definitely was not forthcoming with any details.

John went back out and tracked down Susan. "How is the stuff going for Cassandra?"

"All right I guess. She is going to be stuck here for a few hours until they figure things out. She is such a sweet kid, it is hard to believe that her parents would just kick her out like that. She has no one."

"I know, I got her to talk to me a bit more, she was concerned that someone could not love her baby, because she had sinned. I assured her that was not the case, I really think she is going to agree to put her baby up for adoption. She's eating now, I brought her in a burger and I picked up a bag of snacks for her too. Healthy stuff, I promise, but the main thing is she is eating, we had a talk about her taking good care of herself, keeping the baby healthy."

"You are really great with her, John. She is connecting with you, thank you for taking the time to reassure her. The Social Worker is kind of overwhelmed right now, and I have to admit, Cassandra has become a bit of a special patient to me. I know I am probably getting too involved, but…when you see someone you know you can really help, someone that truly wants to be helped, I just…" Susan could feel the tears in her eyes again, she swiped them away quickly. "Sorry, I am so damn hormonal today, it's just that…I really thought that it would happen for us."

John pulled her into his arms, resting his cheek on her hair. "I'm sorry too. I know how much you want this, Susan, but it's early days yet. Try not to think about it too much, and we will talk later, okay?" He rubbed her back, dropping a kiss on her hair.

"You are going to get tired of me. Wish you had never asked the crazy lady to move in with you. You warned me about getting so obsessed about this, and now I feel like I am getting totally obsessed. I'm sorry."

"No, don't ever think that, believe me, I understand. How about we all go out for dinner tonight?"

"Okay, I'm done in a couple of hours. Are you hanging around?"

"For a bit, anyways, I promised to help someone with their Algebra homework."

Susan gave him a smile. "She is getting to you too. Glad I am not alone, but thank you John, for making it a little easier for this girl."

"Speaking of which, I have homework to do." John winked and went back to the room.

An hour later, Susan stopped in to do the ultrasound. She watched for a moment, the two heads bent over the text book, John carefully explaining, and Cassandra writing down the problem as they went step by step. She remained quiet until she heard.

"I did it! I understand! Thank you."

"You got your homework done?" Susan came in, pulling the machine out of the corner.

"Thanks to John, I only have a couple of questions left. We worked through all of them, and now I know how to do these equations. He should have been a teacher."

"Well, you know, he kind of is. He works at a teaching hospital, do you know what that is?"

"Not really."

"Well, it's where the senior doctors teach new doctors, called residents, and also the medical students how to do a lot of the work needed to be a doctor. So John teaches new doctors…well how to be doctors. He's been doing it for quite a long time."

"Dr. Lewis teaches just like that as well, she's a really great teacher too." John stood up and moved the tray out of the way. "Looks like time for an ultrasound, I can get out of the way if you like."

"No, John, can you stay? I mean, you do these all the time too right? As a doctor?"

"Yes, of course. I can stay if you like." He sat back on the stool near the head of the bed while Susan adjusted the girl's gown and covered her with a sheet.

She squirted on the gel, then ran the wand over her firm belly looking carefully, just as one of the OB doctors came in.

"Hi, I was told we had an ultrasound going on in here, can I take a quick look?"

"Sure." She let the new doctor do some measurements and check everything out.

"Perfect, can you show Cassandra? I have another patient waiting, but it looks good."

Susan took over the wand again, turning the screen this time. "There is baby." Susan gave a bit of a guided tour, showing Cassandra various parts.

"Look the baby is waving. Saying hello." John pointed at the little hand moving. "Say, hi baby. Oh, now they're sucking their thumb."

Susan could see Cassandra's eyes light up, John was being a bit silly but the girl was responding to it.

"The baby can't hear you." The girl snickered.

"Actually, the baby _can_ hear you. You know, you can talk to your baby, and it will hear, they recognize the voices of people who have been around a lot during the pregnancy. One of the reasons why they think that the mothers voice is so soothing to newborns, they spent months listening to mommy talk while still in the womb."

"So I can talk to the baby, and they will know my voice?"

"Yes."

"Wow, it's a real little person in there."

"Yeah it is. That is why it's so important to take care of yourself, you are growing a person inside you. Looks like you are doing a good job, that is a really cute baby."

"How can you tell?" Cassandra frowned, then realized he was just gently teasing her. "John!"

Susan shook her head. "He is such a tease, stop John, the poor girl doesn't know what to believe now." She tried to sound annoyed but she could not help but let her lips twitch slightly. She glanced at her watch. "John, you need to pick someone up at school, or he is going to be upset."

John took a quick look at his watch, then rose, giving Cassandra a pat on the shoulder.

"The boss has spoken, I have to go. Take good care of yourself." He gave Susan an affectionate squeeze on her arm as he went by. "Back in a while."

"I didn't think John had children." Cassandra tilted her head.

Susan was busy wiping off the gel. "He doesn't, he picks my son up from school quite often when he's in town, takes him out, or helps him with homework. My son loves him, I swear he gets very upset if John doesn't pick him up. Like a kid at Christmas."

"Who, John or your son?"

Susan grinned. "Both. John just loves kids, he is almost a big kid himself some days…though he is also a really great doctor too."

"You trust him with your son."

"Implicitly. I have known John a long time, ever since he was 23 in fact, he would never let anything happen to my little boy. He is very protective, don't let it fool you that he was joking around with you, he is serious when he needs to be. Something I love about him, he has balance, a nice blend of serious and fun."

Susan got through the rest of her afternoon without further tears, and she made sure that Cassandra was going to be okay before she left. John brought Cosmo over from school, getting her hug, and then leaving him with John as she saw the Social Worker leaving with Cassandra.

"You take good care of yourself. Dr. Roland is going to take great care of you on your next prenatal visit."

"I wish you were going to be my doctor, but…I guess I understand, you want to be with John, right?" Cassandra's eyes traveled over to the admit desk where John was with Cosmo. She could see the obvious affection between the little boy and the doctor.

Susan followed the girls eyes, seeing how he ruffled the boys hair. Susan knew that Cassandra was still thinking about the implications of giving up her baby, her hand was resting on her prominent belly.

"You know you don't need a biological connection to love a child, I know John loves my son just as much as if he was his own child, just like someone will love your baby like their own."

"You think so?"

"I know so. You stay healthy, take care of that baby."

Cassandra impulsively hugged the doctor, Dr. Lewis was such a warm and loving person, and obviously a good mother too. "Good luck on having a baby with John." She whispered in her ear before the Social worker led her away.

Susan was a bit stunned, she felt the tears spring to her eyes, and she could not hide them as Cassandra glanced back over her shoulder.

John noticed Susan was pretty quiet most of the evening, she seemed to have turned to her inner thoughts, and was distracted and seemed down.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Why did you tell her?"

John gave his head a little confused shake. "Tell who what?"

"Cassandra. She knows. About us trying to have a baby. Why would you discuss that with a teenage girl?"

"I didn't. Remember how she was skulking outside the exam room when we came out? I am pretty sure she was eavesdropping on us, she made a comment to me too, and she had a lot of questions. She said outright that she knew we wanted to have a baby…she definitely listened to a good portion of our conversation. You really think I would discuss our private sex life with a 15 year old pregnant teenager? Get real."

"Oh wow. I didn't shut the door all the way, so she heard…all of that? John, I am so sorry, I need to be more discreet at the hospital."

"Don't worry about it. So what, she knows we are trying to have a baby, though once she said that to me, some of her questions made more sense. I almost felt like I was being interviewed at some points. She is a good kid though, and you know, you probably won't see her again anyway. The point is, we helped her, I think she will take good care of herself and give up the baby for adoption, finish school and be more careful next time she has sex. She was worried that she had committed a horrible sin, but I believe she understands that she did nothing wrong, aside from make the mistake of having unprotected sex."

"It seems unfair, we have been having regular sex, no birth control and I have even been testing, and I am not pregnant, yet, this girl gets knocked up the very first time she has sex in her entire life."

"I know, but try to relax, okay? Getting wound up is not going to help us conceive a baby, in fact it might hinder the process."


	15. I Love Paris

The next month was a bit of a blur for both of them, they moved Susan up to Chicago, which did not take much, she only had a few boxes which John came down and picked up, mostly clothing, toys and a few household items. The majority of furniture was stuff Susan had for years, and none of it was worth much. She and John had gone out and purchased new furniture for the new house, making room for a few of the special antiques he had from the estate.

The house was coming along, though not quite ready, but Cosmo was excited about the move. They were still in the apartment for now, but John was not in a hurry, Jing-Mei didn't need her apartment, there was enough room for the three of them, and as Susan wasn't pregnant, it was working fine.

Chuck was being difficult, but Susan was not letting him spoil her happiness, she was doing what she needed to do to be happy. John was right, she could manage without the support payments if she had to, her new salary was generous, and she was living with a multi-millionaire.

Not that she ever wanted to take advantage of John's kindness, but if they were going to live like a married couple, she had to accept that he was going to share with her to a certain extent.

Susan had started her new job at the Carter Center, and she loved it. Completely loved it. The new staff was all friendly, her office was well set up and she had made some inroads on setting up some of the programs. She was incredibly happy she had made the move, going home every day to John, and being with a good employer felt like a huge change for her.

Happiness. She remembered what John had told her, and she was trying to reign in her feelings about not being pregnant yet. It was not easy, she wanted it so badly, it hurt to think about it.

She was working in her office, when her phone rang.

"Hello?" Not too many people had this number yet though soon it would probably be ringing off the hook.

"Dr. Lewis?"

"Yes, who is this?" The voice was terribly familiar.

"Jerry? From County? Dr. Carter asked me to call you, he needs you to come down here right away. It's important."

"Is he okay? Jerry, please tell me he's okay." The panic was rising in her stomach, it was not an idle worry. He had almost died at County.

"He's fine, but he said 911, get down here. Those are his words not mine, he would have called but he is working on a double trauma."

"I'm leaving now." Susan grabbed her bag, and practically ran out of the office. She was down to County in record time, Sam buzzed her in the security door immediately with a little wave and she went up to the admit desk.

"Where is John?"

Jerry looked over. "Wow that 911 code really does work with you doctors. Did you fly?"

"Damn near, now tell me what is going on. You said he's okay, where the hell is he?"

"Exam 3. Go right in, he is waiting for you."

Susan felt eyes on her, following her as she frowned and sped down the hall, giving a slight knock on the door before opening it. John was sitting on a stool, talking to someone on the bed. Susan stopped short.

"Cassandra? What are you doing here?" Susan was shocked to see the petite blond girl, who had ballooned since she'd seen her last.

"Hi Dr. Lewis." Cassandra was rubbing her distended belly protectively, Susan knew the girl was about 28 weeks along now, if her quick math was correct. "I…can't believe I found you."

"How _did_ you find me?"

"I remembered that Dr. Carter said he worked at County, in the ER, so…I figured he would know how to get hold of you. I came down to see you, and Dr. Carter too."

"Why? Why are you here? Is everything okay with the baby?"

"She's perfect, I had an ultrasound not long ago, and the doctor said she is healthy and everything is really good." She dug in her bag and produced a copy of the ultrasound picture, holding it out.

Susan took the scan into her hands and looked at it. "Wow, a baby girl. We didn't look last time did we? Well, she looks good." Susan felt her eyes well up, they'd had another unsuccessful month, she was still not pregnant, and seeing this tiny perfect baby picture tore at her heart.

"I had something I wanted to ask you…and Dr. Carter." The girl's voice was hesitant, nervous.

Both Susan and John were looking at her, and she took a deep breath.

"I know that I should not really know this, but…I overheard you talking that day, and I know you both want a baby, and…John, he said he would be willing to adopt a baby. I want you to take my baby, when she's born, I want you to have her."

John felt his heart flip, Susan inhaled deeply and the tears just started to flow freely down her face. She was stunned, in complete shock. She had been wanting a child so desperately, and it was not happening, even with the fertility drugs she had been taking, it had not happened and she was terrified that it never would. Now here was this teenage girl, who could not raise a child, freely offering her baby to them, she had traveled all the way to Chicago to find them and offer them her precious baby.

John was looking at Susan with some concern, and quite a bit of surprise registering in his face. He rose from the stool and pulled her into his arms, letting her sob against his chest. She only vaguely heard the door open, and someone say something.

John looked over as Gates opened the door. "Hey, boss, could you…" He cut off, looking at Susan crying openly and the girl on the table. John motioned for him to leave, not even saying a word.

Gates backed out and pulled the door shut, not quite sure what was going on, but Dr. Lewis seemed really upset, and there was a pregnant girl on the table. His imagination was running a bit wild, Jerry had said the girl had just shown up out of the blue, Dr. Carter seemed to know her and had called Dr. Lewis stat.

Susan took a few deep breaths, then finally got herself under control, as John handed her a tissue.

"You want to give us your baby? Why?" John asked the question Susan was dying to know the answer to.

Cassandra shrugged. "I know you want one, and…I like you guys, you were so good to me at the hospital, and I think you would be really great parents. They said I could pick, and I was going through files and…I thought of you, wondering if you were going to have a baby. I want you and John to adopt my little girl. She's perfect and healthy, I have been doing everything you told me to, and…I know you would love her, even if she's not your own."

Susan looked up at John, she could see he was fighting to keep control, but he gave her a slight nod then looked at Cassandra.

"You really want us to take her? You…won't change your mind?" This was John's biggest fear, Susan was struggling with things already, and to have a baby offered like this…but then taken away would be too much, for both of them.

Cassandra nodded. "I have thought a lot about it, in fact it is about all I have been able to think about for the last month. Who was going to take care of this little precious baby?" She rubbed her belly and smiled. "She's kicking, I think she agrees with me, she wants you to be her mommy and daddy. Will you please take her? I want her to have a special family, and I think you two would be perfect. You could have a daughter." She looked at John, then back at Susan.

"Can you just…stay here for a few minutes? Don't go anywhere." John took Susan's hand, and pulled her across the hallway into an empty room, immediately taking her into his arms. "Wow, that was just so…"

"Incredible and unexpected?" Susan was still fighting tears, looking up at him with her eyes glistening. "John, we could have a little girl. In…less than two months, we could have a baby."

"You want to do this? Adopt her baby?" He brushed the stray tear off her cheek, barely believing this was happening.

Susan nodded. "Yeah, I really do. You know how a while back you said…things happen for a reason? You know she said the exact same thing, that day in the ER when her parents kicked her out. That she wanted an abortion at first, but then it was too late, and maybe it was meant to be that way. Then she met you, and overheard us talking and…she really was interviewing you. For the position of daddy."

"You think it was fate? That she's had this idea ever since she heard us talking and she is choosing us because…it was one of those things that happen for a reason?"

"Yes, don't you? She heard you say you would adopt a baby if we couldn't have our own, and I am still not pregnant, and she came all the way up here to ask us to take her daughter. John, what if we don't do this, and we don't get another chance? She has taken care of herself, she's a good kid, we know a bit about the circumstances, and…a little baby girl, John, we could take her, I know we don't have a lot of time to get things ready, but…please consider it."

"I already have, Susan. The minute she said it, it felt right. If you want to do this, I'm on board, we can give the baby a good life, we both want a child, and we have no idea if it will happen for us otherwise. Yes."

"Yes?" Susan could feel the tears threatening again.

"Yes. We have some legal hoops to get through, but…yes, we can tell her we will take the baby, and get in touch with the Social Services worker and see what the next steps are. Just remember, this might not be that easy, but I will do what I can to make it happen."

Susan wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a deep kiss. "I love you, so much. We are going to have a baby."

"I love you too. I think we should go tell her?"

Susan nodded and let John lead her back to the other room.

"Cassandra."

The girl looked up apprehensively.

John sat on the stool again.

"You are sure about this? You are going to give this baby up and you choose us?"

The girl nodded. "I saw you with Dr. Lewis's son, I saw how much you want a baby, I think you would be great dad. And Dr. Lewis would be a great mom…well maybe she already is. You really love your son."

"We would like to try and adopt her. We will need to get in touch with the legal representative, and start proceedings and I can't guarantee they will let us, but we would love to try. You are 100% sure about this?"

Cassandra smiled radiantly. "Yes, I am totally sure. I asked if I could choose someone, and they said yes, if I had a suitable candidate, then it should work. I think two doctors would be a good choice, you can give her everything I can't. My boyfriend Tyler has already signed to give her up and I want you to be the parents." She dug in her bag and proffered a card. "This is who I have been talking to."

John reached out and took the card, then pulled out his own wallet and handed Cassandra his card. "These are my numbers, my personal cell phone." He glanced at his watch. "Can we take you for something to eat? Is there someone we should call and let them know you are here?"

"You're working."

"My shift is over. Susan could take you out, and I can meet you there in a bit, I just have a few things to hand off and finish before I go."

"Can I borrow a phone? I should call where I am staying, let them know I'm in Chicago. I have to get home somehow later."

"We can put you on the train, you are staying in Des Moines?"

"Yes, I have been going to school and I have a doctor there. When I have the baby…would you come and be with me? I don't have anyone to be with me and I'm kind of scared."

"Yes, we can arrange it. We would love to be there when she is born." John handed her the phone. "Make your call. Dial 9 first."

He pulled Susan out of the room and gave her a hug. "Take her to Dominic's, and I will be there shortly. I am going to hand off some files and call this contact right away, make sure we are going to be able to do this."

John went into the lounge, getting ready to dial his phone turning to see Gates watching him.

"What's up Dr. Carter?"

"I just need to make a couple calls, would you mind giving me a few minutes? Some privacy?"

"Sure…you know the girl? The pregnant girl? She seemed to know you?"

"Um, well yes, I know her, she's from Des Moines. Can I just?" He motioned to his phone, Gates nodded then went out to the admit desk.

Jerry was watching with a smirk. He had seen Dr. Lewis take the girl out of the ER, looking tearful, now Dr. Carter was holed up in the lounge.

"What did he say?"

"Get out I need to make a couple calls? He was a bit nicer than that of course, but who's the girl…you don't think that Carter…" Gates raised his eyebrows.

Chuney was gathering charts. "What are you implying Gates?"

"The girl shows up, she's probably 7 or 8 months along, she knows him, he looked shocked to see her, and Dr. Lewis was balling her eyes out. It seems a little strange."

Haleh was listening in. "Oh wow, you are not even going there you nasty minded little man. I've known Carter since he was 23. That little girl is young enough to be his daughter, get your disgusting mind out of the gutter. He is not remotely like that, so don't insinuate anything, just ask him if you must know."

"I tried and he told me to bugger off."

Chuney rolled her eyes. "He's not a perv like you Gates, it seemed to me she was a patient of Dr. Lewis's from Des Moines, the girl is maybe 15 or 16 years old and shows up in Chicago, they are probably sending her back to mommy and daddy. Dr. Lewis wasn't trying to murder him, and she surely would if there was any funny business going on. Which I am sure there is not, Carter is nothing like that."

"And it is obviously none of your business." Haleh finished. "Get back to work you lazy slackers."

An hour later, John breezed into the restaurant, Susan and Cassandra were enjoying some appetizers, she had been too hungry to wait very long. He gave Susan a little nod and a smile.

"I called our lawyer, and they will start the paperwork."

Cassandra's eyes widened. "Is that what took you so long?"

"Yes, sorry. I…wanted to make sure that we had a good chance of this working out before you went back to Des Moines. Once you get back, you need to go in and sign a few releases and such, the lawyer appointed by Social Services will go over things with you. We have a few things to decide, you can think about whether you want this to be open or closed, if you ever want to know how she is doing, those kinds of things, but they will go over the options and we can talk about it."

"You are going to let me decide?"

"Yes. You are giving us an incredible gift, Cassandra, we want to make this a positive thing for everyone. If you want to give us the baby and walk away, no strings attached, you can do that. If you want us to send you updates once in a while, then we can do that too. We can figure it out."

They put a very happy Cassandra onto the train a few hours later. She knew in her heart she had made the right choice, the reaction of Dr. Lewis alone had made it all worthwhile. She was…creating a family, she could tell they both desperately wanted this baby, and it would be well cared for, always. She rubbed her belly in contentment.

"Hey, baby girl, I found you a mommy and daddy, and I know they are going to love you so much."

Susan walked in the door of the apartment a few days later, she was walking on air. Cassandra had signed the preliminary paperwork, Social Services had ordered a home study and things were going well. John was sitting on the couch looking a touch moody, which immediately concerned her.

"Hi honey, have a rough day?" Susan ran her fingers gently through his hair, meeting his troubled brown eyes. He looked really upset. "Are you okay?"

Susan's heart sank, and she could feel tears come to her eyes.

"They aren't going to let us have her?" Susan was immediately upset.

"Hey, baby, don't worry, it has nothing to do with that." John was not sure how he was going to tell her, he knew he just had to get this out. "Kem won't sign."

"What?"

"She won't sign…our divorce papers. She is holding things up."

"What does she want? She decided that she wants some of the millions after all?"

John shook his head.

"Well what then? What's the problem? I thought she was all ready, you two have been ironing out details for the past few months, so what's going on? What more could she want?"

"I have to go to Paris."

"Now? John, this is the worst time, I don't want you to be away right now."

"I have to, if I am going to get this divorce done, then I have no choice. It pisses me off, but I need her to sign and she won't unless I go there. I just…want this to be done and over with."

"She's blackmailing you, to get you to Paris?"

"Something like that. Why don't you come with me? We could go for a week or ten days? Would Chuck take Cosmo? A whole week in Paris?"

Susan caressed his cheek. "Coward, you don't want to face her alone?"

He finally cracked a smile, albeit a faint one. "Yeah, you caught me, protect me from the ex. But seriously, you've never been and it might be a while before we can travel again, we are going to have a busy year. I've called my lawyer, Social Services can get in to do the first home visit tomorrow afternoon, and then we could be on a plane. I have to go, baby, but I would be happier if you came with me."

"Okay, let me see what I can work out. What about my job though?"

"I talked to Todd, you can telecommute, and I will help you get things done, not like I can't see what you are working on, and we can get things done twice as fast."

A few days later, Susan found herself in a first class seat at about 40,000 feet, jetting to Paris. She was a bit envious that he had always been able to travel like this, she reclined her seat and closed her eyes.

Chuck had been a bit resistant, but he finally agreed to take Cosmo for the week. John had offered to pay the babysitter for when he was at work, which sweetened the pot just enough to make it work.

Susan was enchanted by Paris, the lovely suite that John had booked for them, overlooking the Eiffel Tower. It was magical, he was the ultimate tour guide, taking her to sights she had never seen, well, only in pictures and movies anyways. He knew where to eat, where to shop, and she understood how much time he had spent there…enough to act just like one of the locals.

"Susan, look at this." He held up a soft pink sleeper, with little bunny feet. He had pulled her into a store while they were wandering down the Champs Elysees. "And this." He held up an adorable but tiny little dress with matching baby tights.

Susan had to give her head a little shake, holding up the basket which had several outfits in it already. "You'd think we didn't have baby clothing stores in Chicago. You are worse than a girl when it comes to clothes shopping."

"Ah, come on, it's cute. Look at this." He held up a little baby beret.

"Okay, that really is cute, we have to get that, a beret from France?"

"And this. Je t'aime maman. I love mommy."

"Then we have to get the princess dress I suggested, for daddy's little princess."

They finally chose a few clothes and John dropped a credit card on the counter, not even blinking as they rang it up.

They dropped off the bags, then did the tour of the Notre Dame before walking across to Ile Saint-Louis for Berthillon ice cream.

"This probably the best ice cream ever." Susan moaned in ecstasy as she licked the creamy treat.

"I told you, totally worth it right?" John stole a taste of her ice cream, she gave him a gentle shove.

"Eat your own damn ice cream, John." She then took a nibble off the side of his. "Oh wow, almost better than sex!"

He laughed. "Really, so, for the rest of the trip, no sex, just ice cream? I am not sure I can deal with that, though it is pretty damn good ice cream."

"I said almost, no way are we abstaining, we're in Paris, city of love, right? I think sex and ice cream is in order." She stood up on her tiptoes giving him a kiss.

"Absolutely. Even if not in that order…I think…ice cream, then sex…today anyway."

They were both lightly teasing each other for the rest of the afternoon, by the time they got back to the suite, they could barely keep their hands off each other.

"Just wait you naughty boy." Susan strolled off to the bedroom, grabbing a bag then locking herself in the bathroom. John went into the kitchen, waiting to hear her come out of the bathroom, finally hearing the door, taking his time to get to the bedroom.

She was wearing a silky, skimpy little negligee she had bought on their first day. She was lying on her side on the bed, seemingly ignoring him. He kicked off his shoes, pulled off his socks and started shedding clothing on the way to the bed, by the time he got there he was wearing only his boxers. He crawled onto the bed, spooning up to her, curling his arm over to rest on her flat belly.

"Mm, hi, I thought you would never get in here." Her voice was sultry and she wiggled her hips against him seductively.

He pushed her hair aside, kissing the sensitive spot on the back of her neck, his breath warm and enticing. He ran his lips down, giving her the butterflies he knew she loved, stopping at each tender area with a little extra attention. He could feel himself growing aroused, hard, as she pushed back against him.

His hand was cupped one of her breasts, his thumb rubbing her nipple, making it tighten and sending shivers down her spine. He moved back slightly, and she could tell he was removing what little clothing he had left. Which she suspected was not much at this point, and she was right. He curled up against her again as his hand moved up under the silky scrap she was wearing, and he was discovering she was not wearing any panties.

Susan sighed as his hand dipped between her thighs, finding her wet and needy, gently stroking her slick warmth, still kissing her neck. She rolled towards him, onto her back, meeting his lips, exploring his mouth with her tongue, moaning softly as his hand continue its magic down below. He worked his lips downwards, sucking a nipple through the thin fabric, it was riding up, exposing her navel, which was next to receive his attentions.

 _"John, oh, baby."_ Susan breathed out softly as his mouth covered her, sucking gently on her sensitive nub.

She wrapped her hands into his hair, putting a bit of downward pressure as she lifted her hips slightly. She could never get enough of him doing this to her, it left her speechless every time. She let her eyes drift shut, losing herself in the waves of pleasure as he toyed with her, making her moan rather loudly.

 _"Oh, oh!"_ She cried out, her hand clenched in his hair. She could feel his fingers carefully disengage her grip, then his gentle encouragement for her to roll onto her stomach, letting him remove the negligee as she did.

John could hear the little hitch of her breath, she lifted her hips automatically as he slid a pillow under them, and proceeded to kiss every inch of her now exposed back. Susan was already anticipating what he was going to do to her as his lips tracked downwards, the intimate kiss between her thighs not disappointing. He moved over her firm bottom, and back up, covering her and easing into her slick warmth from behind.

 _"Oh, yes. You feel so good."_ Susan pushed back against him, she loved this position, the warmth of him against the full length of her back.

He paused briefly, enjoying being so deep inside her, before he took up a long smooth stroke, both of them making subtle adjustments, until Susan gave a long deep moan. _"There, oh, John, ahhhh."_

Their soft moans and cries filled the air, this felt so good to both of them it was impossible to stay silent. He moved against her, thrusting over and over until they were both slick with sweat, Susan gasping and moaning uncontrollably as her inner muscles continuously pulsed.

They both felt it building, John sped up his thrusts, pumping into her body, letting out a groan as the exquisite sensation raced over him, pushing in deep as he finally let go. Susan could feel him throbbing inside her just before her body contracted around him, she let out a final cry as he sank down, partially covering her back. He moved up slightly, kissing her deeply, then small soft kisses as they both recovered.

"Oh, what you do to me baby. That felt so good." Susan sighed, enjoying how they cuddled with him still half on top of her.

"What you do to me, is more like it. Seeing you laying there in that silky little scrap, I am surprised I was able to last that long, it feel like forever since we made love."

"Two days, honey, it's been two days." Susan giggled. "Darn jet lag."

He kissed her nose. "Well, two days without you feels like forever to me. I am so glad you came with me on this trip."

"Me too, I love Paris. Maybe we should get dressed and go see some of it."

"I need a shower, for some reason I am suddenly all sweaty."

"Well, we did just have a good workout. A _very_ good workout." Susan worked a little suggestive inflection into her voice.

"That we did. Shower?" He slid off of her, then rolled off the bed.

Susan could hear to water turn on, she felt thoroughly loved, but definitely a bit sweaty and sticky. She ambled into the bathroom, John was already in the shower, washing his hair. She quickly joined him, letting him wash her back. She turned and wrapped her arms up around his neck. "We are going to have a baby girl, John, only another few weeks, and we are going to have a baby."

He bent down and kissed her. "Happy?"

"Yes, I have never been happier. I love you."

"I love you too."

Their kissing escalated, both luxuriating in the warm water sluicing over them as they made love again. Finally he let her back down on wobbly legs, letting her rinse her body before offering her a fluffy towel to wrap herself in.

Susan was losing herself in the magic of Paris, being with John, the excitement of the impending birth of their daughter. She was feeling relaxed and apprehensive all in one, falling asleep exhausted after long days of sightseeing and waking up in her lovers arms.

A few days into their trip, he went to visit Madame Armande…Fabienne as he called her, his soon to be ex mother in law. Then he had to go and meet Kem. He was not looking forward to this but…he knew it had to be done, and sooner rather than later.

"John." Her soft accented lilt carried over the patio, where she was waiting for him. She stood and kissed each cheek, holding onto him a bit longer than he felt necessary, but he tried to be patient.

"Kem." He pulled back from her, trying to put some distance between them.

"You look really great. Even better than when I was last in Chicago, you must be doing well."

"Yes, I am. Things have gone really great. You're looking good too."

"I am glad you came, it is wonderful to see you."

"Not like I had a choice. You made that pretty clear, Kem, though I am not sure what it is you needed to talk to me about, in person. I thought we had things sorted out."

"John, I…I was far too hasty in agreeing to the divorce. I know you have had your little, liaisons, some affairs, I heard all about it when Angelique got back to Kinshasa. Apparently she and Debbie met some woman you have been seeing."

"Angelique told you that?"

"Not directly, I just overheard her saying something to Debbie. John, I want us to give it another go, I think…I can move forward, maybe we could…try again, I have been seeing a counselor and…I want to try and have a baby now."

John sat back in his chair, feeling a bit shocked at this turn of events. He had waited for this woman, jumped through hoops for her, wished for these very words to come out of her mouth. Now that they had he felt…nothing. No excitement, no happiness, nothing. He just felt weary, tired, at one time he thought he would love Kem forever, but now all he could think about was getting the papers signed and going back home to his life in Chicago.

His life with Susan, Cosmo, and the new baby girl that would be soon part of their lives. He could feel his heart skip a beat at the thought, of going back to the hotel, seeing Susan, taking her to see all his favorite place here, making love to her. Susan was his future, Kem was his past.

"No."

Kem frowned. "That's it? All you have to say to me is…no? You told me you would wait, give me as much time as I needed, that you loved me. And now I say I'm ready and the answer is just…no? I forgive you for any…transgressions, John, any women you have had in your bed since we parted, but, I'm ready."

"Transgressions? I don't need your forgiveness, we have been separated for months, we agreed to a divorce, moving on is hardly a transgression. And now you're ready? Just how do you see this going, are you planning to move to Chicago?"

Kem gave him one of her looks, her brow furrowed. "No, John, I want you to come home to Kinshasa."

He gave a soft snort. "Are you fucking kidding, Kem? I gave up everything for you, but when I needed you, you were nowhere to be found. You refused to make any compromise, even now, you are saying you want to try, but your offer is for me to drop my life and come running back to you in Kinshasa? You cannot be serious."

"I am serious. You look well, John, I want to live our dream, making things better for the Congolese, raising our children in Africa, like we planned to do…before. I still love you, and I am not ready to give you up."

"No. It's not my dream anymore, it's yours. I've moved on, I just want you to sign the divorce papers and let me go. If you ever loved me, Kem, you will let me go."

"John, I still love you, and I know you love me."

"I loved you, Kem, but now? No, I really don't, not anymore. I'm with someone who I care about a great deal, and we have built a life together, I am not giving that up. Not for you, not for anyone, and not for anything. I gave you time, I waited for you as long as I could, but…it's over Kem, you and me? We are done and have been for a very long time. Go back to Michel, he's the one you should have married, not me."

"Michel is married, to someone else. He and I have been over for a while, he was just…having a little fling with me."

"Kem. You were sleeping with him while he was married? All that time, you were married to me, sleeping with Michel, who was married to someone else? What in the hell were you thinking."

"You were sleeping with that blond bimbo from Germany, the one with the crazy name, your old girlfriend?"

"After you cheated, Kem. Only after you cheated, when it became clear to me that you didn't give a damn about me. Sign the papers."

"I don't want to, if I do, you will never come back."

"I will never be back, no matter what you do. I have no plans on ever going back to Africa, especially not Kisangani, or Kinshasa."

"I can give you a family, John, I'm ready."

"No. I'm with someone, don't you get that? She and I are having the family, you didn't want it, not with me. After Joshua died, you didn't really want any of it, you just pretended you did. I've moved on, you should too."

"No, I'm not signing." Kem stood and stalked out of the café, leaving John sitting there. He finally pulled out some Euros and dropped them on the table, taking the long way back to the hotel. How was he going to tell Susan? Would she be willing to stay with him, knowing he might never be free…truly and completely free of his entanglement with Kem? He had gone to the lawyers office and signed the paperwork, all of it, but now what?

He finally let himself back into the suite, Susan was working on her laptop.

"Hey, I was hoping we could get some lunch." She gave him a sweet smile.

"Sure baby, let's get out of here for a while."

They wandered hand in hand through the streets of Paris, stopping to buy macaron at one of the quaint bakeries.

"I just love these things, so delicious." Susan nibbled one as they looked off the Pont Alexandre over the Seine. "So, how did the meeting go?" Susan popped the last of the sweet into her mouth.

John quietly looked down at his hands then over at Susan. "Not great." He had been dreading this, but he had to get it over with.

"What's wrong?"

He sighed. "She won't sign, she is refusing to give me the divorce."

Susan frowned. "She wants to renegotiate? After all this time?"

"No, she…wants to get back together. She doesn't want a divorce."

Susan could feel the tears in her eyes. "Oh, John, she wants you back? What…about us?" Her head dropped, she was trying to hide the fact she was crying.

"Susan." He slipped his hand up her chin, lifting gently. "You have nothing to worry about. I told her I wasn't interested, and whether she signed or not, we were over and done. I want to be with you, and…I hope you still want to be with me. I wish things were different, but over time I hope she will reconsider. For now, I guess we just go on as usual, it doesn't change anything between us, except…for now I am still technically married."

"Technically? That is a big technicality. We are adopting a baby together but you are married to someone else, which is just messed up."

"I'm sorry, honey, I am. I wanted this to be done, and I am not happy that we flew all the way here to have her tell me she is not giving me the divorce. I was going to phone the lawyer and see if there is any way of getting this done, but we may have to wait her out."

"Wait her out? In the meantime we are raising a child that I want to call us mommy and daddy, but you can never really be mine."

"What? Susan, seriously, our new daughter can absolutely call us mommy and daddy. And you know, I am yours…my heart belongs to you, and nothing Kem does can change that fact. She is part of my past, and I am having trouble closing the pages on it, but, you, Cosmo, and this precious baby girl that is coming into our lives, you are all my future. You are five times the woman Kem ever was, and…I know I can count on you, that you will be there. Or at least I really hope you will."

Susan studied his face. "Call me silly or old fashioned or whatever…but I was hoping that someday, I could call you my husband. And now, she won't let you go, if she doesn't then you will never be truly all mine."

He gave her a soft smile. "Really? You would want to get married?"

Susan nodded. "I know silly, right? Like getting married really means anything, considering I'm divorced and you are trying to get divorced. But…I want that for our children, John. A stable, loving, normal home."

"They will have a stable, loving and normal home, Susan. Nothing changes in how I feel about you. I love you, I want a family with you, and nothing she does will change that. She is going to face reality at some point, she is not a terrible person, I think she is just finally facing up to where she's at. Her little boy toy Michel is married, that was an interesting revelation. So, she is alone right now, her mom is very sick, she doesn't have long, her dad died years ago, and her marriage is over. Give it some time."

"So, both her and this guy she cheated on you with, they were both married at the time?"

"Apparently. Happy homewreckers, both of them. Him cheating on his wife, her cheating on me, how very French of them. Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm not even angry about it, so what does that tell you?"

Susan smiled faintly. "Well, when I got divorced, and I was no longer angry at Chuck for being a cheating asshole, it meant I was over him. You really are over her, right?"

"Completely, totally over her. I don't love her at all. I have this amazing woman in my life and I want to be with her, have a family with her. Can you take a guess on who that might be?" John held out his hand.

Susan reached out, linking her fingers with his, knowing that he meant every word.


	16. This Magic Moment

John looked up as Susan dragged herself into the kitchen. He dished the scrambled eggs onto a plate with two pieces of toast and set them in front of Cosmo.

“Eat and I'll take you to summer camp." John watched Susan sip some water, and then look at the plate of eggs in disgust.

"What did you put in those things?"

"They're just eggs, Susan. You look-"

Her face paled and she dashed for the bathroom, moments later John could hear her retching.

"Mommy's barfing John."

"Yeah, I hear that buddy. Eat and get those teeth brushed, okay? Your clothes are on your bed, get dressed and I'll take you to sailing camp."

"Yay! John? Mommy's still barfing." Cosmo observed seriously.

"Eat, and I'll take care of mommy, I think I can manage." He ruffled the boy's hair affectionately, and gave him a pat on the shoulder before picking up the water Susan had left on the counter.

Susan grimaced. It had taken her 20 minutes to get out of bed, and then she smelled those damn eggs. She could barely tolerate them, they turned her stomach. She hung over the toilet dry heaving.

John's warm hands rubbed her back, then brushed her hair from her face. She sank down on the cool tile floor, he handed her a warm washcloth and she gratefully wiped her face, then she sipped the water. He didn't ask how she was, he knew better, she looked and felt like death warmed over.  Somehow she managed pale and green at the same time.

"Why did you have to cook those nasty eggs?"

"Cosmo wanted scrambled eggs and toast? The real question is what's up with you? Have you been in to see your doctor?"

"I _am_ a doctor, John."

"I'm aware…so am I. What's the diagnosis doctor?"

“I’m a little under the weather, I'm tired and nauseous…" Susan peered up at him. "I'm late."

Her lips twitched, even in the depths of her misery she felt a light of hope in her heart.

She'd been late before and it had never meant anything, but this time…the symptoms were all there.

"Late. You missed your period. I wondered, all that uninterrupted sex," he said evenly, but the smile spread across his face, pure joy raced through him.

Susan was pregnant! He could see the smile on her face.

"Uh huh, 7 days. Now I'm tired…no exhausted, and my breasts are sore, I'm grouchy, and eggs smell like something from the sewer. It took me 20 minutes to get out of bed, and then I get to talk to the porcelain. I'm definitely pregnant. Is that your diagnosis doctor?"

"Considering we haven't used any form of birth control in…months? All the symptoms? Yup, I concur. Pregnant." He grinned like an idiot, but…one more thing to do before they started the celebrations. "Do you have any tests? Or do we need to get one…you know, confirm our diagnosis."

Susan pointed up at the cabinet, and John stood, pulling out the small box. He unwrapped the test stick and held it out to her. She took it from his fingers, noting he didn't move right away, he seemed rooted to the spot, staring at her.

"You going to watch me pee?"

Her voice prodded him into action and he picked up the insert from the test, scanning it quickly.

"Nope, I can do without, but I'll time…5 minutes."

He stepped out of the bathroom, glancing at his watch, then went to check on Cosmo. He heard the grumble behind him, and he snickered.

"Time limit to pee?" she muttered under her breath.

"Almost ready buddy?"

"Yes. I can't wait!"

"Five minutes pal, I have to check on mommy again, okay? Why don't you watch TV for a couple minutes while you wait?"

"Really? Cool, mommy never lets me do that."

He ran into the living room and flicked on the set, immersed immediately. John didn't usually promote the mindless watching of television either, but he wanted Cosmo occupied so he could talk to Susan.

John went back into the bedroom and shut the door.

"Hey, how's it going? Your time limit to pee is up."

She didn't think he had heard that, but of course he had, ears like a hawk.

"Great, daddy, just great." Susan stared at the test which already showed a blue plus sign.

"Daddy? It's positive?"

"Yes." Susan stood in the doorway of the bathroom, looking ready to cry. "Wow, we got pregnant."

John pulled her into his arms and gave her a tight squeeze.

"Made in Paris."

He gave her a belly a gentle caress, it was perfectly flat, but he knew that would change. He'd seen Susan pregnant with Cosmo, remembered how pissed off she about her overly large belly.

Susan gave a tearful laugh. "Made in France. That would be about right, we made a baby in the City of Love, how about that."

"Congratulations, mommy. See, it took a month of not worrying about getting knocked up, and hey, you got knocked up. Happy?" He looked down into her beautiful green eyes.

"More than happy, John, it finally happened…and…what are we going to do?" The reality hit her, she was pregnant, probably about 5 or 6 weeks along, and they'd committed to adopt a baby which was due in the next month. Her eyes widened.

"Have a baby? That's what usually happens when a woman gets pregnant."

"What about…Cassandra, we told her we would adopt her baby, which means we're going to have two babies less than a year apart in age. " Her mind reeled.

"Only about 6 months apart actually but who's counting. That's okay, the more the merrier." He smoothed back her hair. "It will be fine, we already agreed, I'm going to quit County and stay home with our new baby girl for a while. I have some nannies for us to interview, so we have someone for when we both have to be in meetings. We have the housekeeper to keep up with groceries and all of that. When this little bundle of joy arrives…" He placed a hand on her belly. "You can take a bit of time off and I'll cover your position, and you can get back into things slowly when you are ready."

"This is so weird, Chuck was the one who ended up staying home with Cosmo, and you are going to stay home with our children?"

"Looks like you get the house husbands. But seriously, I'll still be working, just not shift work at the hospital. Between you, me and the nanny, it will all be good. Cosmo is getting older, a bit more self-sufficient, he's at school all day, this will work."

"I love you. This is incredible, a couple months ago I thought I'd never have another baby, and now…we get _two_ babies. I can't wait until we bring our daughter home, John, I want her so much."

"And we'll have her…I don't intend to back out of it either. I'm already attached to her…seeing that ultrasound a couple months ago, the shopping for baby stuff in Paris…I feel like she's our daughter and she's not even here yet."

"Should we tell Cassandra I'm pregnant?"

"I'm not sure we should tell anyone yet, Susan. You're only 6 weeks along? Can we wait until after you get past the 3 month mark and then share our news? It shouldn't make any difference to Cassandra, she asked us to take the baby, the fact you're pregnant…shouldn't be a huge surprise."

Susan nodded. "Yes, we can keep this to ourselves for now. You better take Cosmo, you're going to be late, and I have to try and get ready for work."

"I have an appointment at County too. Breaking the news."

Two hours later John strolled into the ER. Jerry glanced over.

"Dr. Carter, didn't know you were on today."

"I'm not, just looking for Cate, her office said she was down here?"

"In the lounge. Say, there are some rumors going around, you might want to…clear things up."

John leaned on the admit desk. "Rumors? At County? Well, who knew." He could not keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

Jerry rolled his eyes. "Hey, just saying…Gates has some kind of…messed up ideas and I thought you might want to know?"

John gave Jerry a nod. "Okay, hit me with it, what's the rumor this time?"

"That girl that was in? Gates noticed that Dr. Lewis was really upset about her being here, and he kind of implied that maybe…well…" Jerry glanced around then whispered. "She was mad because you had something to do with it."

John frowned. "Like…as in…he thinks that…holy shit. He is kind of a sick little perv, that girl could be my daughter, she's 15 years old." He sighed, he didn't really want to explain, but this could get serious so he bit the bullet. "She was a patient of Susan's in Des Moines, the baby's father is a 16 year old boy name Tyler. She came to see us because…we are adopting the baby. I didn't expect her to show up, that is why I called Susan, she knows Cassandra better than I do, and she was a little emotional because we found out we could adopt the baby. That is what is going on. Boy, the rumors get sicker and more twisted as time goes on. I think I need a word with Gates, those kinds of rumors are not okay."

Jerry froze then turned to look at John. "What? You and Dr. Lewis are adopting a baby?"

"Yes, we are. The girl doesn't want to keep the baby, she is too young to raise a child, and we decided to adopt the baby. She's due in about a month or so now, we are just waiting for the call to pick up our new daughter."

Jerry nodded. "Makes sense. Just so you know, there were a lot of people who didn't buy into his theory, the ones who have known you for…well years. Gates is new, he barely knows you."

"Right, so he shouldn't judge. He was being nosy that day, but it was none of his business what was going on, nothing was even figured out at that point, we weren't ready to share. I wish people could get that into their brains, we spend a lot of time together but it doesn't mean they need to know every minute detail of your life. Thanks Jerry, if the rumor persists, let me know. I need to talk to Cate."

He pushed into the lounge, finding Cate making a fresh batch of coffee. She glanced over and sighed.

"Never any coffee made in this place, for a bunch of people who work shifts, and bitch and complain so much about there never being any coffee? They need to actually learn to make it, it doesn't make itself."

Carter laughed. "Well, I guess they just wait for you. It has been like that ever since I started here, never any coffee, that's why the Roach Coach does so well, even though that stuff is barely palatable. It's worse than ever in fact, like tar."

"Well, I am dying for a cup, so I guess I get to make it. You needed to talk to me?"

"I did, yes." He pulled out an envelope and handed it to her. "I have to give my notice, there are some personal things going on in my life, and I need to cut back on my commitments."

Cate furrowed her brow, then sighed deeply. "Not what I was hoping for. You know we are struggling to keep staff, and you are one of our strongest Attending. Can I ask is everything okay?"

"Everything is great. Susan and I are adopting a baby actually, and that will happen in the next month. She has just started a new job full time, I am going to try and be home more, especially for the first year or two."

"That fast? How did you get a baby that quickly?"

"It's a private adoption…the baby's mother picked us, so it is happening fast. The baby is due in the next month or so, I can give you two or three weeks to get things reorganized with the schedule, but after that I won't have the time. Between the Center, and the Foundation, the house and a new baby, we are going to be tapped out time wise. I have been volunteering my time, Cate, and I was happy to do that, but something has to give."

"Congratulations. I bet you are both really excited." Cate's eyes teared up slightly, and she swiped her hand across her face.

"Are _you_ okay?"

Cate sniffled and nodded. "Sorry, sorry. It's just…my husband and I, we lost our son, he died and…we have been trying to work through that and adopt a baby, so I am overly sensitive."

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you had lost a child, it is incredibly difficult, I understand, you don't need to apologize. You know I lost my son before he was born, 8 months and perfectly healthy, a twist of fate and he was gone just like that."

"I know you understand, having a child taken from you…well its indescribable. I have wanted a baby for so long…anyway, I am happy for you, truly I am. We will be sorry to see you go, but a new baby is a precious gift John and I hope it all goes well. If you get bored at home you can come back anytime."

"Thanks Cate, I feel like I might have my hands full for a while." John did not elaborate on that one, if things went okay with Susan's pregnancy, they would be busy. Cosmo was with them almost full time, and two babies were going to make life interesting.

John opened his eyes in the darkened room, he was snuggled up with Susan, his hand resting on her belly. It had started to get slightly rounded, she was at about 10 weeks now. He realized his cell phone was trilling on the nightstand, he glanced at the clock, 1 am.

"Hello?"

"John Carter?"

"Yes…who's this?"

"Dr. Lovett's office in Des Moines . We were asked to call you, Cassandra Taylor has just gone into labor, and she wanted you to know?"

John sat up, reaching over to give Susan a gentle shake.

"Where is she now?"

Susan was squinting at him in the dim room, confused as to why he was waking her up at this ungodly hour.

"She's at the hospital in Des Moines, it looks like it could still be hours, but I understand you are in Chicago? "

"We are on our way. Tell her to hang in there and we will be there as soon as we can."

Susan sat up suddenly. "It's time?"

"Baby on the way, get dressed."

Susan bolted out of bed, disappearing into the bathroom as John pulled on jeans and a shirt. They had a bag packed and ready which he grabbed out of the closet. He slid past Susan into the bathroom on her way out, giving her a kiss and a gentle touch on her small bump.

"This is it."

By the time he came out, Susan was ready to go, they went down to the SUV they had purchased once they'd been approved to adopt the new baby and found out Susan was pregnant. The baby seat was in the back, waiting for it's new occupant.

As he settled into the seat John produced a couple water bottles along with some ginger ale, plus a small bag of snacks. Susan was mostly over the morning sickness now, but she sometimes felt a little ill if she didn't have enough sleep. The remedy seemed to be plenty of fluids and constant snacking on small starchy items, and John had made sure to pack a good selection.

"You take good care of me, baby." Susan noted the bag of goodies, all the things he knew she could eat, nothing that would turn her stomach.

She cozied down into the seat, leaning on the pillow and tucking a blanket around her. John had thoughtfully stowed these in the back seat of the car, knowing that she may need to nap on the drive out.

"I was going to stop for a coffee, want a decaf?"

Susan shook her head. "I feel a little nauseous, tea? And I am going to get into that ginger ale."

"You bet, relax hon, close your eyes and we will be on the interstate in a few minutes. You can just sleep if you want."

"This is crazy, John. We are going to get our daughter, and this new baby is growing like crazy." She reached and entwined her fingers with his right hand bringing it over to rest on her baby bump..

"I know, it is like a bit of a miracle. She just went into labor, so it should be a few hours yet, I hope we there in time for the delivery. I guess it is a good things Cosmo is with his dad for a few days."

After a very brief stop they were back on the road. It was only around 1:30 am, and Susan's eyelids were sagging. She managed a few sips of tea, then she tipped her seat back just a bit so she could be comfortable.

John drove in silence for some time, occasionally glancing over as Susan. She looked so peaceful, but he could see the dark circles under her eyes, she was exhausted, they'd had a bit of a late night as they were trying to get ahead on some projects before the baby came. They'd only been asleep for a couple hours when the call came in.

"Are you watching me sleep?" He started as her voice broke into the silence.

"Sorry, I was just seeing if you _were a_ ctually asleep. It's fine, you know, it is going to be a long day and you look tired."

"Exhausted, but I can't sleep, I'm too excited, I keep thinking about how in a couple days we are going to be home with our new baby girl…daddy."

"I love how that sounds. If you can't sleep we should play a game."

"A game?"

"Yes, name that baby…we have not chosen a name yet."

Susan laughed out loud. "That sounds like a great game…you go first."

"Victoria."

"That's my middle name, no way. Not naming a child after me. If we are going that route, how about...Eleanor."

John gave his head a shake. "Not a chance...I don't even know if I still have a mother...no way is she getting the honor of having our daughter named after her."

"Point taken. How about…Ava?"

"Cute, I like that…ummm…my turn...Everleigh…kind of cute but grown up too."

"That is kind of nice. Makayla? Or…something cute like Summer or Rose."

"Rose is too old fashioned for a first name, but it might be nice as a second…Summer Rose? No, Makayla Rose?

"Everleigh Rose. Everleigh Rose Carter. Makayla Rose Carter. Both cute, but she wouldn't hate either when she grew up. I hope…our names are kind of boring…John…Susan…our parents had no imagination."

"Mine even less than yours, I'm named after my grandfather, and my dad. They just tacked 'the third' on the end of it, like that makes it special."

"So if this little bump is a boy, he is not going to be John Truman Carter IV?"

"No, no, don't even consider it. The buck stop here…or the name at least."

Susan nodded. "You didn't name Joshua after you either…what does the middle name mean? Is it African?"

"Makalo. Yes, he was well named I guess, surprise or wonder is the English meaning, but it is an African name, Kem's dad's middle name actually."

Susan reached over and brushed her fingers across the nape of his neck, rubbing slightly. "I love that, John. I guess Makayla is a bit close to Makalo though."

"I didn't even notice actually, depends how you spell it, but, okay, let's take that one off the list. Mmm, Ava…that one was cute…Ava Noelle Carter, Ava Rose? Too many options."

"Ava Noelle. John that is so cute. Where did Noelle come from?"

"My grandmothers middle name. Millicent Noelle. I would never use Millicent, not really my style, but I like Noelle, not sure why."

"Ava Noelle Carter. Adorable. And it's a joint effort, I suggested Ava, you came up with Noelle. What do you think?"

"I think we have a winner. And I think we are here."

"Cassandra Taylor?" John and Susan stopped at the nursing desk hoping they had made it on time.

The nurse pointed down the hallway, John and Susan arrived at the delivery suite. Cassandra looked relieved when she saw them.

"You came."

"Of course we came, the doctor's office called us, we left Chicago right away."

The doctor came in, looking surprised to see them.

"You are here for Cassandra?"

"Yes, we are…John Carter and Susan Lewis."

"The adoptive parents, right. Nice to meet you, you made great time from Chicago."

"We left pretty much right away. How are things going?"

"Some progress but it will be a while yet. She could walk around a bit to speed things up, no food, just a few sips of water or some ice chips?"

"Sure, we will keep an eye on her. We are both ER doctors."

The obstetrician was looking at Susan. "Of course, you're Dr. Lewis, I've seen you around, though not for a while."

"I moved to Chicago, but yes, I worked here for a few years. We know the drill, we've delivered a few babies in our time."

"Great, so I have a couple of seasoned coaches, it will make things much easier for the first time mommy here."

They spent the next several hours attending to Cassandra, supporting her while they walked the hallways, her labor progressing rapidly.

Cassandra leaned on the wall, while John rubbed her back.

"Thank you for being here. This is not so scary with both of you helping me…no one in my family is even talking to me now. And Tyler is embarrassed to be seen with me, I am glad school is out and I have the summer to get back in shape. Maybe when I go back people will have forgotten."

"Nowhere we would rather be sweetie." Susan was holding the girls hand during the contraction. "And you know what? People will forget soon enough, just hold your head up high, you made a mistake, but you are doing the responsible thing."

"I know, but…it is still not easy. You'll take really good care of her too, I know you will."

"We love her already, we have everything picked out so we can decorate her room."

"You haven't done her room? Where is she going to sleep?"

"In a bassinet in our room for now. We are moving into a house, we are just waiting for some work to be done, it won't be long. Another month or so."

"Does it have a yard?"

"It does, and we are close to great schools and lots of parks. She will have her own bedroom and her big brother is excited to meet his new little sister."

They tucked her back into the bed, the nurse did a check and put the teen back on the monitor. Susan and John stayed with her feeding her ice chips, talking her through the contractions, and keeping her focused.

Finally she was crowning, John helping to support her as she pushed, Susan holding her hand, and watching their new daughter come into the world. The doctor held out the scissors and John nodded at Susan and gave her a little wink, letting her have the honors of cutting the cord.

Cassandra leaned back as the doctor finished up, John sat with her while Susan went with the squalling tiny red faced baby while they did the quick exam. John was listening and heard the Apgar which was perfect.

"You did great Cassandra, you were braver than a lot of adults. She's beautiful. Did you want to see her? Hold her?"

Cassandra was near tears. "Can I John? I want to say…good bye to her."

He nodded and they swaddled the tiny baby and brought her over. John placed her in the girl's arms, watching the awe on her face.

"She's so perfect, isn't she?"

"She's gorgeous, you did an amazing job, Cassandra."

She smiled tearfully then looked up at John. "Take your daughter, John, be good to her."

He gently took the baby from her arms, cuddling her against his chest.

"Hi princess." He inhaled the new baby smell, gazing down at the perfect features, the dark eyes, still unfocused but wide open in wonder.

Susan came around and he passed the baby carefully to her, letting her snuggle their new baby, watching the joy suffuse her features.

"We should take her over to the nursery, you can sit and feed her when she's ready. We will get Cassandra cleaned up and take her to a room upstairs. You can come visit her in an hour or so?"

John and Susan went with the baby to the nursery, settling Susan with the baby and a small bottle, she coaxed the little girl to have a few mouthfuls before she drifted off to sleep.

"John, she is so…beautiful. I can't believe that we have a baby girl, this is…amazing."

John leaned in and gave Susan a kiss. "Congratulations, mommy. So, what did we decide?"

"Ava Noelle Carter."

"Hi Ava. Just wait until your big brother sees you."

"It's been a couple hours, we should check in on Cassandra."

John nodded. "I will go up now, and then you can go up later?"

John made his way upstairs, peeking on the door, Cassandra was curled up on her side, fast asleep. The nurse came up behind him.

"She finally drifted off, she seems…a little sad, but that is to be expected."

"Of course, it's a lot of work to have a baby, then to give them up…well, she is bound to be a bit sad about it. I'll come back up later and see her, don't want to wake her up, she's been up half the night."

"Looks like you have too."

"That's okay, it was worth it. I'll go back down and see how the baby is doing."

By the time he got back down, Susan was half asleep in the chair, snuggling Ava against her chest.

"Honey, let me take her. I think you need some sleep."

"I'm exhausted John, but I can't put her down. They want to keep her for a few more hours, I wonder if Lexi would let me borrow her couch."

"Why don't you find out? I'll stay for a bit until they kick me out."

Susan passed over the baby, and Susan called and had Lexi paged. Barely 5 minutes later Lexi appeared, using her doctor privileges to get into the nursery. She hugged Susan tight, then peered down at the tiny baby in John's arms.

"Wow, she is so tiny and perfect. What's her name?"

"Ava."

"Congratulations you two, you must be excited, she is really beautiful." Lexi was thrilled, Susan had called her soon after Cassandra had visited her and John in Chicago, to tell her they were adopting the baby. She could see the happiness and the love shared between her good friend and John, and the love they had for the sweet infant that had become theirs so quickly.

"Hey, could I borrow your couch? I am really exhausted, we've been up all night, we drove down from Chicago and then spent all morning with Cassandra in labor and delivery."

"You bet. John?"

"I'm going to stay here until they kick me out, are you in Susan's old office?"

"Yes, and I have two couches, just like she did. Why don't you grab a nap, then some food and come back? The nurses here will take excellent care of your precious princess, and you look done in."

They checked out of the nursery, the nurse in charge promising to take good care of Ava. They wanted to keep the baby for observation for a few hours, and they would not allow her to be taken anywhere in the hospital aside from the nursery or the maternity floor.

John woke up a couple hours later, Susan was still fast asleep. He ventured down to the nursery and checked on the baby. The nurse smiled as he checked in.

"She is a little doll, and ready to be fed. Do you want to do the honours?"

"Yes, I'd love to feed her."

"Catch is, you need to do the diaper too." The nurse teased him.

John just shrugged. "Hey, I am sure I will be doing lots of those, bring it on." He quickly and efficiently changed the little girl, then sat and fed her. He looked up to see Cassandra peeking in the window. He gave her a smile and looked at the nurse. "Can she come in?"

"Who is she?"

"The birth mother. If she wants to see the baby, let her come in?"

The nurse nodded and opened the door, Cassandra scooted in the door, then slid into the chair closest to John and the baby.

"You look like a natural, she looks happy. What did you name her?" Cassandra gazed tenderly at the tiny bundle in John's arms.

"Ava Noelle Carter. Thank you, she is precious."

"Where's Susan?"

"Getting in a little nap. She worked all day yesterday, then didn't get any rest on the way here, she was far too excited about meeting this baby girl. I thought I would let her rest for a bit, not sure when they will let us take Ava home."

"Is there a problem?"

"No, not at all, they just usually keep the baby for a few hours, do another check up before they let them out of the hospital. A precaution is all, she seems perfectly healthy, a normal little girl."

"John, you said you would send me updates, I haven't decided yet, can I let you know? It might be too hard right now, but someday I think I would like to find out how she is doing. The Social Worker was in along with the lawyer, and I signed all the adoption papers."

"Absolutely. Social Services will know how to reach us and we would be happy to send you pictures, so you know how she is. Maybe someday she will want to meet you, when she's grown up, but know, we appreciate how hard this is, Cassandra. We will love her and take good care of her, you don't need to worry."

"That's why I picked you and Susan, I can see you love each other. They are going to let me go home today, can I say good bye to Susan?"

"Sure, are you going back to your room? I'll get her to come up and see you."

The girl nodded, then stood, reaching a finger out to stroke the baby's cheek. "Good bye, sweet angel, you be a good girl."

She impulsively gave John a kiss on the cheek, then bolted out of the room.

"She seems like a sweet kid, how old is she?"

"15. I think she will do well in life, but she was really not ready to take on a baby."

Susan woke up, feeling a little hazy, but much better after some sleep. She sat up on the couch, looking over into Lexi's amused eyes.

"Well, sleeping beauty awakes. You've been out for hours, almost time for me to go home."

"Where's John?"

"He went back down to see the baby. You are going to have to pry that little girl out of his arms, he has changed her, fed her, given her a bath. He put on the cutest little set of sleepers, fuzzy pink ones with bunny feet and this little matching hat. Too cute."

"Oh he insisted on buying that when we were in Paris, like we couldn't buy baby clothes in Chicago. He is going to spoil her rotten. She is daddy's little girl and she is less than 24 hours old." Susan stretched as she stood, her shirt riding up slightly.

Lexi was staring at her belly. "Oh, wow. Susan. Is that what I think it is?" Lexi pointed to the little exposed bump.

Susan rubbed her belly and smiled, slightly guilty. "Yeah, made in Paris. I'm only 10 weeks, so…we have been keeping it quiet."

Lexi came around the desk and gave her friend a warm hug. "Congratulations. When did you find out?"

"About a month ago? We had already decided to adopt, but, it just kind of happened. I was part way through my cycle of fertility drugs when we got the word we were approved to take the baby, so I just kept taking them and we still weren't using any birth control. All that sex and relaxation in Paris did the trick and well, we are having a baby in about 6 months."

"That is so crazy, you didn't think to start using birth control?"

"Well, we were just thinking about what to do, and the boom, pregnant. What do you do right?"

"This is exciting. Is John happy about another baby? So soon?"

"He's thrilled, you should have seen the smile on his face, realizing that I was pregnant."

"How did you tell him?"

Susan laughed. "Well, the dry retching in the toilet after seeing scrambled eggs pretty much did the announcement for me. He was making Cosmo breakfast, I took one look and that was it. He just knew."

"Wow, that is one way to tell your boyfriend you're knocked up. That's kind of funny. So, good thing John is loaded then, you can hire a nanny."

"We are already interviewing. John quit County, he mostly works from home, but I can't take off a lot of time right now, especially since I will need a few weeks off when this one is born." She patted her stomach.

Lexi's phone started to ring, she scooped it up.

"Hi John, she's awake now. Okay, I'll send her down." She dropped the receiver in the cradle. "Cassandra wants to see you before she's released, and then John needs you to go to the nursery, the lawyer will be by in about an hour so you can sign the papers and take your darling daughter home."


	17. Unchained Melody

John straightened his tie, taking a last look in the mirror before he took a deep breath, then patted his pocket. He was nervous, very nervous.

He turned as Susan came into the room, looking radiant, she was just glowing, now that she was past the 12 week mark, things had improved, she was no longer constantly nauseous, and her belly was getting quite full and round. 15 weeks already, he thought, the time was flying by, they were insanely busy, with work, and of course baby Ava.

"You look beautiful."

Susan self-consciously put her hand on the swelling of her stomach as he crossed the room towards her. He looked down into her green eyes, leaning in for a kiss as his hands cupped her belly over her dress, caressing gently as their lips met. He rested his forehead against hers as she inhaled deeply, thinking about the babies cocooned safely inside her.

Things happen for a reason…it echoed in her head. She felt like it was a chain of events, unleashed by the simple act of kindness, how John had been so warm and caring to a frightened teenage girl. The teen who had given them the precious gift of a daughter, Ava was now a month old and the light of their lives. How Susan had relaxed totally, no longer stressing about having a baby, which in turn…gave her the twins she was now carrying. She was convinced that being able to take off the stress of trying to conceive is what actually allowed her to actually conceive the twin babies they were now expecting.

They both knew logically it could happen of course, being over 40 and with the fertility drugs increased the chances of multiples, but it was unreal that it _had_ actually happened. She was 15 weeks along now, and feeling slight flutters as the babies moved in their confined space, she could not wait until John could feel the movements too.

He leaned down and kissed her belly, marveling at the miracle that gave him a chance to be a dad. Not only to the babies growing inside her, but to Ava, and to Cosmo as well. Cosmo spent a lot of time with them, and John did everything to make the boy welcome in their world.

Susan rested her hand on his hair, stroking softly, loving how he was communing with their unborn babies, and grateful for how wonderful he was with Ava and Cosmo. She didn't think she had ever been happier.

"Ready to go?" He stood up with a final rub of her belly.

"Yes, it will be nice to have an adult only night."

They arrived that the restaurant, and were promptly seated. Susan recognized it of course, it was the same one they had gone to that first night…the one where she had gotten horribly drunk, the night they'd ended up making love for the first time.

The perused the menu and ordered.

"So what is the occasion?" Susan reached over and took his hand over the intimate and cozy table. He had been acting a bit…weird really. Nervous and a bit on edge.

Carter smiled. "Does there need to be an occasion? I felt like taking you out, we have had some big changes, lots to celebrate in our lives, and we needed a night out."

"You're right. I love every minute of our lives, but we have not had any alone time since we got back from Paris. This is really nice John, and I love this restaurant."

As usual the meal was exquisite, Susan enjoyed every mouthful, sighing in contentment as John tucked her into the passenger seat to the car. She leaned back, watching the world go by, surprised when they pulled up in front of the one of the fanciest hotels in Chicago.

John valeted the car, grabbing a small overnight bag out of the trunk and escorted her in the doors, bypassing the front desk and going right to the elevators.

"What are we doing?"

"Spending the night in a hotel? We have a babysitter overnight, so…I thought it might be nice to be truly alone."

"Ah." Susan started to smile, truly alone…what a wonderful thought.

As soon as the elevator doors closed, he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her deeply. The kiss made her feel a little weak kneed and she clung to him until he pulled away.

"What's wrong?" She asked in confusion.

He laughed softly. "Nothing, but we do have to get out of the elevator. I am sure the guys in security like free shows, but I'm not into it."

"Huh?"

"There are security cameras in the elevators, Susan. I think they've had enough of a show, so how about we go to our room?"

Susan blushed slightly, right of course, that made sense. She let John take her hand and lead her down the hallway, the lock clicking as he used the card key to access the room.

Susan gasped slightly as they stepped inside. It was luxurious, she had never been in a hotel even close to be this lavish. It was a suite, with a sitting area, and a wall separating the bedroom. John sat her on the couch.

"Close your eyes for a minute."

Susan raised an eyebrow, but complied, inhaling deeply and relaxing as she heard him move around the room.

"Okay, you can open them now."

John watched her face, he had set the room up earlier, and had dimmed the lights and lit the candles he had spread around the room. He wanted the night to be special, perfect and memorable.

Susan stood and smiled. "John, this is beautiful." Her heart was thumping, no one had ever done anything quite so romantic, there was a large bouquet of long stemmed roses and flickering candles. She noted the chilled bottle of champagne…non-alcoholic of course. He led her into the bedroom, the bed had a heart of rose petals, and a box of the special handmade chocolates that she loved, along with a small bakery box.

She gave him a curious look and opened the box. "Macaron? Where did you find these?"

"There is a little specialty bakery, they are pretty close to the real ones you get in France. They seemed to be your favorite thing aside from the ice cream."

She picked one out and bit into it. "Oh my, they are good, I could probably eat the whole box in one sitting…but I won't." She tucked the lid shut putting both the chocolates and the bakery box on the nightstand.

John took a couple of breaths, not sure if he should do this now, or later, then he decided to just do it, so he could relax. Susan was noticing he was antsy.

He sat her on the edge of the bed, then kneeled in front of her, giving her belly a kiss before he started.

"You know you have made me incredibly happy, I feel like…finally it seems like my life is complete…or very nearly so." He took both of her hands.

Susan squeezed his hands. "I'm happy too, John, these past few months have been so special."

"And we have so many more special things to come, all those little things every day that makes it all so worthwhile. You know that I wanted things to go a bit differently in Paris, but…it's out of my control. I need you to know, that no matter what, I am here, you are who I want to be with, and our family is the most important thing in the world. I wish I could…marry you, but you know I can't."

Susan nodded. "I know John, I wish it was different too, but we have made commitments, and I don't need a ring on my finger or a piece of paper to know you love me."

"That's the thing, though. I think you should have…at least a ring, even if it can't be an engagement ring." He slid his hand into his pocket pulling out a velvet box, Susan felt her heart skip a beat. He flipped it open, revealing a beautiful diamond eternity band. Susan could not help it, her breath hitched and she could feel the tears in her eyes.

"Oh John, it's gorgeous." Her voice choked up, looking at the ring, scared to reach out and touch it.

"I wish I could be asking another question, but…I want you to wear this, kind of like a promise ring I guess, one day I hope that I will be free, but until then…" He took it out. Susan held out her right hand, but John picked up her left and slid it on her ring finger. It fit perfectly.

Susan leaned down and kissed him, her hands against his cheeks, their lips seeking. Her hands were now grasping him, pulling him upwards as she moved back on the bed, encouraging him as she lay back, taking him down onto the bed with her. John could feel her working at his shirt and tie, the softness of her skin as her fingertips ran up the now bare skin of his back.

They worked at discarding every piece of fabric that was keeping them apart, John flipping open the covers on the bed, moving her up onto the luxurious sheets. Their eyes met as their bodies became one, rocking together, her rounded belly rubbing against his as he filled her completely, loved her tenderly.

She ran her fingers over his face, memorizing each feature, watching until her eyes involuntarily slammed shut, her back arching towards him, her gasps of pleasure mingling with his low moan. John took a few deep breaths and carefully moved to the side, not putting any of his weight on Susan, though he just wanted to collapse. He turned on his back cuddling her in close as he kissed the top of her head.

They lay in silence for a few minutes, both musing, both content in each others arms.

"I love you, John." Susan ran her fingers up his chest, admiring how the ring caught the light, sparkling and winking at her. She let her hand rest against his chest, his fingers entwining with hers, bringing them up and giving them a light brush with his lips.

"I love you too. I wish…I could give you more."

Susan tipped her head up to look at him. "You have given me…everything. Truly, you have. I won't deny that I wish that…she would let you go, but you are here, with me, and you have given me such precious gifts. I never thought that I could have all of this, that I could find true love, after the ruins of my marriage, and what we have…it's enough. It's more than I dreamed possible, we have a family. I could never have imagined this…be we really do have everything John."

She could feel his grip tighten. "We really do. There was a time when I thought I could never be happy, but now…it feels like a dream, having so much in my life. I want to make each day count, I have been given a second chance at life, and I will never take that for granted, I don't ever want to take you or our family for granted. I believe things do happen for a reason, and as tough and rotten as things have gotten, it all led me here to you. To true happiness."

Susan moved up, leaning over him, meeting his lips for another deep and passionate kiss. It was all so unreal, that she had fallen in love with this man, that after all these years she had ended up with him.

There had been brushes with it before, she remembered his first year at County, the almost kiss at Christmas and the music box which was her Secret Santa gift. The music box she still had, she had known it was far more expensive than the limit they were supposed to stick to.

The time they had spent together when she came back from Phoenix, how she had longed for it to be more, but knowing he was hung up on Abby. She had let it morph into friendship, unwilling to be the consolation prize, the latest in his string of conquests. Not that he ever treated his girlfriends like conquests, but Susan knew he had his fair share of women, and she didn't want to just be…another woman he'd slept with.

Susan straddled his body, staring down at him, running her hands up his chest, then moving in for another kiss. She knew what she wanted, and he was more than willing to comply, letting her pull him up to a sitting position as she maneuvered herself onto his erection.

John watched her face as she moved her hips against him, she was so beautiful when they made love, he thought she was always so beautiful. He slid an arm around her back, helping to support her slightly ungainly body, loving the feel of her rounded belly bumping against him. He was powerless to reciprocate in this position, she was in complete control, circling her hips, creating the pleasurable sensations radiating through him. When the release finally came, she collapsed against him, fingers entwined in his hair, fingertips digging into the flesh of his back.

"All those hormones, I swear, pregnant sex is amazing." Susan sighed as they stretched out on the bed.

"It sure is. Anytime baby, I'm all yours." He leaned down and kissed her belly tenderly, running his hands over lightly. He rested his forehead against her, his hand resting there comfortably.

"Find yourself a new pillow?" Susan teased, thoroughly enjoying him cupping her pregnant belly with his palms.

"Yes, very comfy." He dropped little kisses all the way across. "I can't wait until we get to meet these little people. Only a few months…right babies? I bet you can't wait to meet your brother and sister."

Her hands wandered into his hair, playing with it idly as he made himself comfortable, head resting carefully on the firm roundness.

"Not sure they can quite hear you yet, John."

"Sure they can, I am going to talk to them every day, so they know who I am when they're born. Daddy, you hear that little ones, I'm your daddy."

"I am not sure why guys are so enamored with pregnant bellies. I am going to get so incredibly big and fat, you are going to take back that 'anytime' statement, just wait until I get to about 7 or 8 months."

"Pregnant bellies are incredible, that's why. I will love you and your belly, no matter how big it gets…you are growing our babies in there, our little miracles, that is a beautiful thing, Susan. I love you, and I love these little people inside you. I love you, babies." He followed that up with another kiss on her protruding stomach.

"You are so sappy, it's scary. But it's kind of sweet too, I think I'll keep you."

"Not like you have a choice, you'll have a hard time getting rid of me. Hate to break it to you, but you are stuck with me, always and forever."

Susan ran her hand over his hair and rubbed his neck. "I can live with that, and I am going to hold you to it. You know, you have put a ring on my finger, maybe we should be putting one on yours too. Let the ladies out there know that you are taken. We are pretty much married…we live together, we have a family, a house, the whole deal. Yup, I think I need you to wear a ring too, we can exchange our own little private vows to each other, even if we can't do it legally."

"Kind of like a leash or something?" He teased. "I don't think you need to worry, the women are not exactly throwing themselves at me."

Susan rolled her eyes. "Well first of all, you just put a 'leash' on me if that is the way you want to look at it."

"No, it's not meant like that Susan, I just thought…women like diamond rings, it is just a symbol, for us."

"Well, you aren't wrong about the diamonds, it is an amazing ring and I love it. You wearing a ring would be the same thing, a symbol for us. The other thing I have to ask is are you blind, or just totally oblivious? At the restaurant tonight, there was more than one lady following you with their eyes, I really notice it when you are dressed up, you really get looks. We go places and the women check out your left hand all the time, John, if you showed any interest, they would be all over you. That's when I'm with you, when I'm not with you, I wonder how many women are ready to throw themselves into your arms."

John frowned. That could not be true, could it? Maybe he was too busy watching the guys make eyes at Susan, though now she was so obviously pregnant there was much less interest from men in that department.

"I think you are teasing me, I have not noticed anyone making eyes, I only have eyes for you."

Susan snickered. "Nice line, baby. So cliché, but…I'll take it. Would you though? Wear a ring? For me?"

"Worried some desperate women is going to carry me off?"

"No, I just…call it equality, we are married in spirit, even if we can't be recognized as married legally. It know we may never get to marry legally, and I can live with that, but…for me…would you?"

"It means that much to you? Then yes, of course. Tomorrow we could go pick one out before we go home."

"Really? You'll wear a ring?"

"Yes, Susan, I will wear a ring. On my left hand. Anything for you."

A couple weeks later, Debbie opened the large box with a huge smile. Chicago. Trust John to send her special gifts, she could not wait to see what was in the massive package.

She grinned widely when she saw the chocolate and goodies and the large envelope addressed to her personally. The rest of the stuff was mostly for the clinic, but he had included a few personal type items for Debbie, probably purchased by Susan, but who knew? The guy was not shy about women's issues, being a doctor he had seen pretty much everything.

She slit the envelope open finding a letter and several pictures. By the time she finished reading, she was hopping with excitement. She had to share this with Angelique, and anyways, she had to take the little 'extras' John had sent over to the clinic, he managed to tuck in all sorts of sundries they desperately needed. She noted an envelope and a package of goodies for Angelique too.

She stowed the personal items into her small room, then carried the box down to the clinic. Angelique was just finishing with a patient as she scooted in the door and put the box on the table. She could see the petite woman's eyes widen and a big smile appear.

"John! He sent that right?"

"Of course, who else would send all of this, you will be very happy. He sent letters and some pictures he wants me to share with you. Do you want to hear all the news?"

"What? You look like the cat who ate the canary."

"Yeah, big news number one…so they moved into the house, and its perfect, but I am not surprised, there are a few pictures and it looks amazing, way better than it was when we were there."

John had taken then over to see the house when they visited, but it was still in the middle of renovations at the time.

"And…come on don't keep me in suspense."

"Susan's pregnant. He dated the letter, so she would be about 18 weeks now…and get this…they are having twins."

"You are kidding! Is he excited?"

"Totally. He was meant to be a daddy, which is the third piece of major news. Just before they found out Susan was pregnant, they arranged to adopt a baby. So, they also have a daughter now, she is only about a month old, Ava Noelle Carter. You have to see the picture, she is completely adorable." She held out the pictures, which Angelique flipped through.

"Wow. That's incredible news." Angelique lowered her voice. "Does Kem know? She is going to go ballistic, she is waiting for him to show up here and beg her to take him back."

"I don't think he's shared it. In his letter he said he had to go to Paris to sign divorce papers, he got there, and she refused to sign. Kem won't give him the divorce now, after all this time, she reneged, told him she will never sign."

Angelique shook her head. "How can Kem do that? They've been apart for what, almost two years now and he has Susan. How did Susan take the news that Kem won't divorce him?"

"Well, not too badly apparently, she's having his baby…babies I should say, and she adopted a little girl with him, and moved into the house, so…aside from them not being able to get married, sounds like it's going well. He did say in his letter that he hopes one day Kem will see that they both need to move on and let him go."

Angelique had a thoughtful look on her face then took the picture of John with a noticeably pregnant Susan, a tiny baby girl, and a little boy and tacked it up on the bulletin board.

"What are you doing, are you nuts? She is going to lose it if she sees that. John's happy family picture? After what they went through?"

"It doesn't matter, a lot of people here know John really well, and they would want to see this picture. And you know what? She was in Paris screwing that little turd Michel, while he was here, imagine when he found out that his wife was cheating on him. She made such a deal about his thing with Harper, but you know, she had no consideration for him at all, everything he went through, everything he gave up for her. Maybe he should not have done that, but he was pretty devastated by her betrayal, he was at the end of his rope and everyone knew it. Let her lose it, I don't care. She does great work, and she can be sweet and lovely, but right now, she is just being a bitch. I honestly don't know where the Kem we used to know went, she needs to cut him loose, let him go, he is finally happy. I haven't seen him happy like that…well ever maybe. Certainly not in the time he was with Kem, not since they lost the baby."

"Still, Angelique..."

"Debbie, Joshua died years ago, it is not fair of her to hold him ransom, try to blackmail him into coming back to her. You think he didn't struggle every bit as much as she did? You think it didn't hurt him to lose that baby and have his wife not want to move on? To have her cheat on him, spend all her time in Paris after he dropped everything to move here? He loved her, and she destroyed that, she is responsible for being alone, he tried and you know it. He's moved on, and I don't mean to be cruel, but she needs to realize that it is totally over, he couldn't move here even if he wanted to, he almost died in Darfur. If she truly loved him and wanted to make it work, she would get over herself and move to Chicago. Obviously this is all about her, she is being selfish, and someone needs to call her out. John won't force the issue, he's way too nice, nicer than he should be considering the circumstances."

"I know, it still kills me that he was so sick and she didn't go to him, be there for him. I am just happy we were in Darfur and were able to get him out of there, he was so sick he didn't even know how sick he really was...he was delirious. I guess you're right, if she loved him, she'd see the damage she is inflicting on him. Do you think she is doing this because she loves him and doesn't want to lose him, or to spite him? I can't figure her out, the only thing I know is that John is happy, he finally has everything he ever wanted."

The two women left, not realizing Kem was just outside the door listening to their diatribe. She walked quietly into the room and took a long look at the picture on the board. She lifted her hand, running a finger over John's face, wiping a tear off her cheek, then finally turning and walking back out the door without a word to anyone.


	18. You Could Be Happy

Susan ambled up to the triage desk and the on duty nurse recognized her and buzzed her in. She felt like she was waddling rather than walking as she arrived at the County ER. She rubbed her back and stretched, trying to relieve the steady ache she had been feeling.

John was at home with Ava and Cosmo, trying to get a bit of work done, but needed some papers picked up from the admit desk and Susan had said she would stop and get them. She was anxious to be home, maybe John would give her a foot or back rub. It had been a long day, endless meetings and she was ready to have a nap.

He had told her to just come home and he would run out, Ava was a little cranky today and he didn't want to get her all dressed and cart around a screaming baby. She appreciated the thought, him wanting her to just come home, but she didn't mind, she had not seen anyone at County for months.

Chuney and Haleh were both really excited to see her, running up to say hi before another trauma rolled in the door.

"Look at you girl! Wow, you look great!" Chuney came up and placed her hands on Susan's belly. "Can we feel these little people moving?"

"I think they are sleeping right now, but they did keep me up half the night. I feel a bit like a beached whale, only a few more weeks though. A bit unreal that we are having twins, and Ava is pushing up already, getting ready to crawl." Susan rested her hand on her lower back. "I am off work soon, I cannot wait, I just want to curl up and sleep."

"Time flies, they grow up so fast. How's Carter doing? He must be getting kind of excited too, I haven't seen him for a while, he's been too busy I guess?

Susan rubbed her belly tenderly.

"He is really excited, but I can tell he's nervous too. I am only working a few hours per week now, taking it easy, as we don't want these guys coming out early. John has been working mostly from home and taking care of Ava, with a bit of help from the nanny. I told him I would pick this stuff up, Ava is a bit out of sorts today for some reason. We will have to bring her in for a visit soon."

"Guys? Boys?"

Susan grinned and waved a finger. "That is just an expression, we haven't found out what we are having, aside that they are both nice and healthy and growing well."

"Susan!"

She heard a familiar voice behind her that she couldn't quite place. Chuney gave her a little smile and grabbed a chart, disappearing into an exam room.

Susan turned around and looked right into the eyes of Abby Lockhart. She could see Abby's eyes widen in surprise, dropping down to her enormous belly, then flying back up to her face.

"Abby! What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing, I didn't know you were back at County!"

"Oh, I'm not, I just dropped by to pick up some things, though I am back in Chicago. How are you?" Susan gave her a quick hug.

"I'm good, down from Boston for a couple of job interviews. Cate Banfield is needing an Attending and I just sat down with her to see the chances of coming back."

Susan looked at the dark haired woman, it was hard to believe that she had finally gone from nurse to Attending, and she was not much younger than Susan herself. Of course Abby had gone through Med School much later than her, or even Carter, she had just started as an R1 when Carter quit and moved to Africa, and Susan had left right after for Des Moines.

"Oh wow, so positions for you and Luka?" Susan could see Abby's face fall a bit at the mention of Luka. "Hey, do you have time for coffee?"

Obviously there was a lot going on in her life, and they were friends until Susan left for Iowa. She was not sure Abby knew about her and John either, and maybe this was not the best place to tell her. Abby and John were long over, but still, Susan was sensitive to how things had ended and the fact he had come back with a pregnant Kem.

"Sure, it looks like we have some catching up to do." Abby kept eyeing her belly and Susan smiled softly, resting a hand on her protruding stomach. It was hard to miss that she was pregnant, she had been big with Cosmo, with the twins she could barely fit behind the steering wheel of the SUV now.

"I guess we do. Let's go." Susan waved and they left the ER, trudging a couple blocks to a nearby cafe through the lightly falling snow. "So what made you decide to come back to Chicago?" Susan waded right in, pre-empting Abby from asking about the babies quite yet.

"Oh, well, Luka and I, we are kind of on the rocks again. He has been away in Croatia quite a bit, this time he took Joe with him for a visit, so it's kind of weird to be all alone. I like Boston, but I heard that some people have come back to Chicago and of course I have some friends here. And funny enough I miss County, I haven't been in Boston long enough to really get comfortable."

Susan wondered just what 'people' that Abby had heard about coming back. Carter perhaps?

"I'm sorry about you and Luka, are you going to be able to work things out?"

"No, we are separated now, we had some trouble a while back, and we had it all worked out, then things got dicey again. I think we are finished this time, no more chances to fix it, and Chicago has always seemed more like home to me. I am not sure he is coming back to the US anytime soon, his dad has been sick, and his family needs him. "

"I know what you mean, I missed it too, so I decided to move back, and it's been good. I hope Luka's dad is okay?" Susan could see Abby glance at her hand, the ring on her left hand, which was not so easy to hide. It really was magnificent, John had put a lot of effort into choosing it, and Susan loved wearing it. He still was not divorced, but she knew in her heart, he was not going anywhere, he had made a commitment to her and their family. He was in for the long haul and so was she.

"I don't know, we haven't been talking much, he just puts Joe on the phone for me."

"Isn't that hard? Having your child so far away from you?"

"Of course it is, but." Abby sighed deeply, she was embarrassed to tell Susan the whole truth, but if she was back in Chicago she might know anyway. "Maybe you've heard already, but you know I'm an alcoholic, and I had some troubles a while back. The truth is Luka doesn't trust me with my own son. When Joe was really small, and Luka had to be away all the time it got to be too much and I started drinking again. I've done the treatment, and I am doing the meetings but...he is worried about me falling off the wagon." Abby gave a half smile. "I used to think Carter was bad, he was always telling me that I could not even have a beer, that I needed to be done, now Luka is worse, yet Luka was the one who enabled me when we were dating. So messed up."

"I'm sorry, that you are still struggling with it. I can imagine how hard it must be." Susan shifted in her chair uncomfortably.

"I'm much better now, but I don't blame him for not trusting me. I put our son's life in danger, more than once, taking care of him while I was drunk. Passing out on the couch, all the things my mom used to do to me and I vowed I would never do if I ever had a child...then I went and did it anyways. I guess addicts and alcoholics should be banned from being a parent."

"I don't know Abby, sometimes the child is what makes the difference, but...my sister is an alcoholic and an addict, and I worry about my niece all the time. I never see them, I rarely even know where they are anymore."

"Maybe you understand more than most then. So another baby? That is so great, you look like you are going to pop any day now."

"I'm actually 30 weeks. Twins. So, I am hoping to hang in there for another four to six weeks...I cut way down on my hours, I work from home quite a bit now with my feet up."

"Wow, you're kidding! Twins! Are you excited?"

"Incredibly, though being pregnant again and having two babies in there is not necessarily a lot of fun some days. I had crazy morning sickness and of course I am up 5 times a night to pee. They are so active at night, I feel like there is a circus going on in here." She gave her belly another pat, then rested her hand lightly.

"I remember how much fun that was and I only had one baby. It was a bit scary too, we almost lost Joe, I went into premature labor and had to have a hysterectomy, so no more babies for me. I love being a mom, most of the time. Hey how is Cosmo?"

"So great. He loves living in Chicago, he is growing like crazy. I have a picture of him, and I'd love to see one of Joe."

Abby dug out a picture of Joe from her wallet and showed Susan.

"He is so cute. Let me find the one of Cosmo and my daughter Ava."

Susan pulled out a couple of items from her purse, one of which happened to be John's wallet. He had forgotten in his office at the Center after his meeting yesterday and Susan picked it up for him. It flipped open on the table and Susan could see Abby staring at it.

"Is that…Carter's wallet?" Susan looked down and could see his driver's license clearly visible and one of his credit cards showing his name. "Why do you have John's wallet?"

"He left it at work, and I picked it up for him."

"Is he here? In Chicago?" Abby took the picture of the two kids from Susan. Ava? The baby could not be more than a few months old.

"You didn't know? Didn't Sam tell you?"

"No, well, she said something quite a while back that he was visiting for a bit, but he's still here? We haven't been in touch for a while, she's been busy with that Tony guy. So how long has he been back?"

"Quite a while, getting close to two years now. He is doing work for the Carter Center, and running the Foundation now."

"The Carter Center is open? I hadn't heard, last I heard of John was when Pratt went Africa and spent a couple weeks there with him, and apparently he was doing okay then. How did he convince Kem to move back to Chicago? I thought she hated it here. I bet he has a couple kids too."

"Kem isn't in Chicago, as far as I know she's in Africa, or Paris. Not quite sure where she is, but they uh, aren't together anymore."

Susan did not elaborate on that, John could share if he happened to see Abby, but it was not her place to really get into it.

"Wow, I cannot believe Sam didn't say anything. She sends little bits of news once in a while, but she didn't say that! I should probably go see him. How is he? I mean, you must see him if you picked up his wallet for him."

"I see him all the time. He's doing really well, actually. I took a Senior Management position at the Carter Center, one of the reasons I came back to Chicago, I got a great offer I could not refuse."

"So, how long has he been apart from Kem?"

Susan almost rolled her eyes, noting that Abby was more interested in the fact that he wasn't with Kem than anything else.

"A while. You know Kem questions are ones you should probably ask him directly if you are interested."

"Oh, I am not sure he would be very forthcoming with me, I mean, we ended up as friends and all, but it was a bit awkward with us at the end. He was friendly enough at the hospital, but we didn't hang out much, for obvious reasons. Though he…I shouldn't tell you this."

"What? Come on Abby, what did he do?" Susan felt a twinge of concern, hoping he hadn't slept with Abby or something after Kem left.

"He paid my tuition for medical school. I told him I would pay him back, but I never have, he left too soon afterwards and I have never had the money. Not with Luka on and off work for the past few years, with all his damn trips to Croatia."

"John paid your tuition? When?"

"I went back to school while he was in Africa, and Richard, the dirt bag co-signed that loan, remember?"

Susan nodded, she did remember that conversation with Abby.

"Well, Richard went bankrupt and the bank refused to fund the rest of the loan, and I couldn't pay my tuition. Carter overheard me say something, I think it was to Sam, and he just paid it without saying a word to me. So I go to Weaver thinking I would beg her to intervene before they tossed me out on my ass, and she just says oh don't worry about it, the registrar received the money. The only person I knew who had that kind of money was Carter, so I asked him, and sure enough, he'd paid it and I got to finish my fourth year and graduate."

"Wow, I never knew that, pretty nice of him actually."

"Especially after everything that happened between us. I guess he felt guilty, because he fucked up the relationship, and came back with Kem. He was in Africa what, 30 seconds and he knocks up some French chick? The only reason he went to Africa was because he was trying to get back at me for not being there and what happened at the funeral. It was an impossible situation. Choosing between your boyfriend and your brother, what do you do? I had to choose Eric, and Carter acted all hurt about it."

"I don't know Abby, I am probably not the best person to be discussing this with." Susan felt weird that Abby was pouring out her heart about John, but she agreed on one part, she'd hurt him. He went through losing the one family member who ever showed they gave a damn about him, and he did it alone. Without the support of the woman who was supposed to love him, one that he had wanted to marry, the one he would have done anything for, at the time, couldn't even put her mess aside for long enough to see how much he needed her. It felt like a bit of a theme, Kem had done the same thing when Joshua died, and again when John got sick in Darfur. Now Kem was throwing a tantrum and refusing the divorce which caused John further pain and issues.

It didn't make a whole lot of sense to her, he was incredibly loving and attentive and he was a terrific daddy too. She knew he could be stubborn at times, but truly, she could not see how they gave him up. Maybe he had just matured now, but she'd known him long enough to understand he'd always been a very caring person, she had seen how hard he tried to be there for Abby, all for naught.

"I could have married him, I was kind of stupid not to marry him I guess. I have often wondered if he was the one guy that I should have taken that chance on, but after Africa it was too late. He asked me, you know? And I thought he wasn't serious, until I found the ring, but I couldn't say anything, I was so…stupid, I couldn't even tell him I wanted it more than anything but I was scared of messing it all up. Then I screwed it up anyways and he left me."

"Abby, I should probably tell you…"

Abby cut Susan off before she could say much more. "Now he's back. Is he seeing someone now?"

"Yes, he's with someone Abby…"

"You're kidding. So soon? What is she like, blond and perfect probably."

"Abby." Susan said firmly. " _I'm with John._ "

Abby's head popped up and she frowned. "What? You're married to Chuck."

"No I'm divorced from Chuck, and I have been for a couple of years. I'm with John, we adopted a baby girl a few months ago. Ava is my adopted daughter with John."

Susan turned her ring, and Abby's eyes widened, as she took in the whole picture. The wallet, the ring, the belly. The way Susan's left hand rested protectively on her rounded stomach.

"Wow…wow. I did not see that coming. I thought you were still with Chuck. So…the baby...you're having John's baby. How did that happen…not _how_ did _that_ happen, I mean how did you two get together. "

Susan met her brown eyes. " _Babies_ actually, we are having two, twins, remember?"

Abby nodded slightly, and Susan could see something in her eyes. Regret?

Susan continued. "John sent me an invitation for the Carter Center opening and I came up for that. We started seeing each other again and pretty quickly I decided to move back to Chicago. It was just…right…you know? I've known him a really long time and I know him quite well, so things kind of moved fast."

"I'll say, and then of course you must have been just thrilled getting knocked up." Abby snorted.

"I was very excited about getting pregnant. It wasn't an accident, Abby."

"You planned it? At this age, you and Carter planned to have a baby?"

"He has always wanted kids and I wanted another baby, so we just…" Susan shrugged. "Then we had the chance to adopt a little girl...we had agreed to that before we knew I was pregnant, but it is all working out."

"Wow, this is so crazy. You and Carter. Marriage and babies." Abby sounded bitter, maybe slightly jealous.

Susan wondered if that crazy love triangle with Carter, Abby and Luka was still in play, at least for Abby. Abby had gotten used to being the center to the two men's attention and she didn't like it when Carter no longer wanted to play. Now apparently Luka was no longer interested either.

Though she should be used to it, he left her and moved on long before she did when he met Kem. Boy did he move on, coming back with her almost 4 months pregnant. Now Abby was back and found Susan pregnant with two babies that John was the father of, she could see the shock on Abby's face.

"You should come say hi to John if you have a chance, he has a meeting tomorrow at the Center. It is pretty amazing really."

"I just bet it is, I am sure he spent enough money on it. I wonder why he didn't invite us, you know, me and Luka."

"Would you have come?"

Abby shrugged. "I don't know, maybe not, since Luka is away so much. Anyway, I should go, I have some things I need to do before I go back to Boston. It was…good to see you Susan."

She went to pull out money but Susan waved her off. Abby watched as she took money from John's wallet and dropped it on the table.

"Spending his money now too?"

"Oh please, like he will care and I'll tell him, it's not like I'm stealing it. We live together, Abby, he's the father of my children."

"Right, right, of course. He wouldn't care."

"No, he wouldn't care, if he was here he would be paying for it, and you know that."

"Of course he would, he was always like that, right? Taking care of everyone. Probably his downfall."

"I don't know, I kind of like it. Having someone there to lean on, to talk to when you have a bad day. We always had that kind of friendship, him and I, even right back to when he first started at County. I had this incredibly sucky birthday and he was there to cheer me up." Susan tucked her hair back behind her ear, she could see Abby following her left hand with her eyes.

Abby shook her head. "Figures. You love being taken care of, I should have known. That is quite the ring, though not what I would have expected for Mrs. Carter."

"Well, first of all it's Dr. Lewis and second, we aren't actually married. And I love the ring, and I do love being taken care of, what woman would not like having her man take care of her. He spoils me actually, but I try to do the same for him, that is how it should be in a healthy relationship, you take care of each other, support each other, love each other."

"Well, I am sure he spent a fortune on the ring, it's beautiful." Abby looked down at her hands, thinking - her man - she spoke like Carter belonged to her, and it irritated Abby. Carter was hers first, he should not be with Susan. She could feel the twinge of jealousy. "I never did well with being taken care of, having someone to lean on. I did it all when I was a kid, I was a mother to my little brother Eric. My childhood was not ideal, my mom was a loose cannon most of the time, so up and down with her bipolar disease. You know Carter was really great, he spent a lot of time trying to help me, and I still could not let him in, I couldn't open up. Because in my experience men always let me down, parents let you down, and then he did, he let me down."

Susan was silent, not knowing quite what to say.

Abby continued. "I had to make a choice, and I chose Eric, because John could always take care of himself, he was stronger than Eric, my brother needed me more than Carter ever did. And my family will always be there, men leave. And he made me pay for loyalty to my family, he left me."

Susan twisted her ring. "You're wrong you know, I think you were on a two way street. You feel he let you down, but have you considered how he must have felt when you weren't there? He lost someone important, and you put your family above the needs of your boyfriend. The man you admitted wanted to marry you, was there another choice you could have made?"

"His dad came into town, he had people around."

Susan shook her head. "Have you ever really talked to John about his family? Sat down and really taken a good look at the dynamics there?"

Abby shrugged. "I know he wasn't super close with his parents, but he didn't want for much. My childhood was a lot worse, and the time we were together was difficult with my mom and brother going off the rails. He didn't talk about it much."

Susan inhaled deeply. No, he didn't want for much when it came to things, but he sure didn't have the love or emotional support he needed growing up, and Susan was surprised he had such capacity to love, to care. Maybe it should not be a shock that Abby had not really paid all that much attention, she was so wrapped up in Abby that she failed to notice that her boyfriend had his own problems. Did it not register with Abby exactly why John had become addicted to drugs? Susan was not there and even she could see that a good part of it was lack of emotional support from his family.

"News flash, his childhood was not so damn ideal, Abby. He does not have a close and loving family, surely you know that, you dated him for close to a year. That he needed you when his grandmother died? Can I ask you...you made such a big deal when he came back from Africa, did he screw up the apology?"

Abby looked at Susan, her face flushed and guilty. "No, I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. I knew he had gone to get back at me, he knew I didn't want him to go, and he went anyway. He promised he would always be here, and he left. Just like I always knew he would. Men never stay, Susan, you should know that. Look at Chuck, you were so in love with him and he cheated. Look at Luka, he's off in Croatia, with his family, instead of here with me. Carter was a coward, couldn't even come home and deal with it in person, just sent a letter. It told me everything I needed to know about us, that he didn't think I was worth it, and he did it by letter, that was humiliating."

"Are you angry with Luka?"

"Of course I am, he is off in Croatia and I'm here alone."

"Well, that's a bit ironic. You are angry with Luka for putting his family first. Wow, are you getting the irony here? John didn't go to Africa to get back at you Abby, grow up, not everything is about you. You don't think he needed you? You abandoned him when he needed you most, and then threw a little hissy fit because he went to Africa? And then got all pissed off because everyone read the letter you were careless enough to leave lying around? He was not to blame for that, you did that to yourself, just take ownership of it. If you were humiliated, it's because you let everyone read the letter, and then you thought it was okay to play victim."

"Oh so judgmental, I guess Carter has told you everything." Abby was feeling defensive now, it was easier for her to blame Luka for the breakdown of the relationship, blame Carter for leaving than face her own feelings of worthlessness. Abby felt worthless so much of the time, even becoming a doctor had not changed it.

"He has told me very little actually, believe it or not, we have better things to talk about than you, Abby. Remember you broke up 7 years ago so, you can relax. Just like we don't sit around talking about Kem, I know the basics and that is it. I don't give a damn either, but you have just said you thought he could take care of himself, and you chose Eric. There is your answer, you made your choice, you left him, Abby, you are sitting there accusing him of leaving you, yet you fully admit you picked your brother over him."

"He's my brother, he was sick and Carter should have understood that, he dealt with my mom enough. He was really nice to my mom, Maggie loved John, she was sad when he left me."

"You still made a choice, and you have to live with that. You know, I've made choices in my life too. I chose to try and get tenure, to make our lives better financially, and neglected my marriage. Chuck found someone else to fill his time with, someone to love. The difference between me and you, is I have learned from my mistakes, I take my share of the responsibility for the breakdown of my marriage. He cheated, and I admit to being angry about that, he should not have cheated and dealt with things better, but in the end, it was a two way street. I am not saying John was blameless, or that he made all the right choices, I can't know because it wasn't my relationship. But it does seem to me that you are placing all the blame on him, rather than acknowledging that you had a very large part to play in the demise."

Abby felt the tears. "I don't just blame him. I know I was never good enough for Carter, he needed more than my messed up family. He wanted his own family and I was not sure I could ever give him a child, and if I did, the child might be sick. Joe might be sick, he might be bipolar. And I am not good enough for Luka either, I cheated on Luka when I was drunk and I put our sons life in danger, and he will never forgive me. He's taken my son away, the truth is he's taken Joe and I am never getting my son back. It was an accident, I didn't mean to get pregnant, we just had one of those nights and it happened, but I do love my son."

Susan was a bit stunned at the admission...never good enough?

"I'm sure you do love him. Abby, you know that is not true, the not being good enough thing. You have a lot to give, I have seen you with patients, I have seen you with people. For you to think that you are not good enough is crazy. You are giving up on good men because of your own issues. Do you love Luka?"

"Yes...I do in my way, but I know the one man I truly loved, the one that made me the most complete I pushed away. But I do love Luka, I felt safe with him."

"I understand it may be too late, I don't know all the issues you and Luka have, but have you tried...really tried? Let Luka in, shared how you feel? I could see how much it bothered Luka when you were dating John, he was jealous for quite a long time. Perhaps rather than letting another good man go, you should...try."

"I have tried, and it's over. Thanks for the advice, but too late, unless I move to Croatia and give up everything I have worked for here. All that time to be a doctor and I can't work there. I don't want to go there, my family is here."

Susan nodded. "Fair enough. I told you I don't know all the details, but...I wish you luck. I really should go, if you are around tomorrow, you should drop by and at least say hello to John."

"That might be weird, I don't know, and I may end up moving down here anyway."

"Suit yourself. I should head home, John is going to start to worry about me."

Abby watched as Susan tucked everything into her purse, and slid awkwardly off the chair, struggling to her feet with the help of a hand on the table.

"You okay?" Abby frowned as Susan grimaced and swayed slightly.

"Oh, that hurt, my back hurts, its been aching all afternoon and its getting worse." Susan took a deep breath, then moaned slightly clutching the table as another pain rolled over her. "No, it's too early...I think I'm having contractions. But it's too early." She was feeling slightly panicked.

Abby stood quickly. "Your water hasn't broken, let's get you to the ER right away. You should be checked over in case you are going into labor." She took Susan's arm and helped her out to the street, picking up her bag along the way.

They made their way slowly, Susan noted the pain was getting steadily worse and she was really getting worried.

"I need to call John, I need him here."

"Let's get you to the ER and they can call him while we check you out, you know the sooner we get there the better."

Abby took her right up to the check in desk. "Premature labor, 30 weeks with twins, we need to get her in right now."

The nurse recognized Susan and buzzed the two in immediately. Morris was at the desk and looked up.

"Dr. Lewis! Hey Lockhart, back already?"

"Morris, Susan is going into labor, we need a room right now, she's 30 weeks. Jerry, call Carter."

They helped Susan into the room and Morris came in. "Not you...I want one of the women doctors." Susan didn't feel comfortable with Morris. She remembered him as a bumbling medical student and as an incompetent Chief Resident, no way was he examining her.

"Come on Dr. Lewis, I am a doctor too."

"Still, I don't feel comfortable with it being you examining me, please..." She stopped as another pain ran over her.

"Okay, Haleh, can you get her hooked up to a monitor, start an IV and I will get someone else to do the exam."

Susan could feel the tears in her eyes, the contractions hitting regularly. She was grateful not to be alone, but wishing for John to be there.

"Did they get hold of John? I really need him Abby, can you find out?"

Abby left the room quickly, as Susan lay trying not to cry. Banfield did a quick pelvic exam, then pulled the ultrasound towards the bed, just as Abby returned.

"He's on his way, Jerry said he called him and he said he would be down as soon as possible. How are away do you live? At the mansion?"

"No, we are in town. 15 minutes or so."

John took a deep breath before he walked into the ER, the car seat with Ava in one hand and holding Cosmo's hand with the other. The nanny had already left by the time he got the call, he packed up the kids quickly and left the house, feeling a little ill. Susan was 30 weeks, this could not be happening. Not again, not so close to the babies being born.

Sam was at the desk and she buzzed him in right away.

"She's in exam 3, can I take the kids for you?" Chuney met him at the admit desk.

"Would you Chuney, thank you." He set down the car seat and dropped the diaper bag on the counter. "You be good for Chuney, okay?"

Cosmo nodded and John strode off down the hall, pausing only briefly before pushing into the room.

"Susan." She looked up as John came into the room, looking worried. "How are you?" He leaned in and gave her a kiss.

Abby was watching, feeling a twinge as his hand caressed Susan's belly, the concern etched on his face.

"Hi Abby." He acknowledged her as he picked up Susan's chart and flipped through.

"John, I'm glad you're here." Susan whispered. "I'm having contractions, they haven't stopped yet."

"Hey sweetie, relax, deep breaths, it takes a while for the medication to work, and it looks like you are not dilated at all, no bleeding, no amniotic fluid. Looks like they are waiting for labs to rule out any infections and...they didn't do an ultrasound?"

"They are going to, I asked Cate if she could wait until you got here. I'm scared John."

He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "The heartbeats on the monitors are good, normal range. If we can get the contractions to stop, maybe we can keep the babies in there for at least a couple more weeks."

"I want to see them."

"Have the babies been moving?" He was adjusting her gown to expose her belly as he talked, squirting on the gel and pulling the ultrasound machine close to the bed.

"They were earlier. They are active all the time." Susan's heart almost stopped, they had been less active this afternoon, but she had been walking around and the babies often calmed down in the afternoons when she was moving more.

"Did they get OB down here?" John looked over at Abby who shook her head. He ran the wand over Susan's belly, looking carefully, both of them sighing with relief as they heard one heartbeat, strong and loud, and the second as he moved over to the other baby. He was checking the cords and the placentas when Banfield came back in.

"Dr. Carter, I was going to do that."

"Sorry, I couldn't wait. Everything looks okay with the babies, good heartbeats. Labs back yet?"

"Not yet, but things seem healthy. Blood pressure is fine, all seems great, I can't find any trigger for the contractions. We are going to make sure she is well hydrated with the IV, and see if we can get the contractions stopped. I want her at least overnight for observation, so we are going to send her upstairs, have OB take her as a patient. I am just going to do another cervical check."

Susan nodded as Banfield snapped on the gloves and did the exam. "Good news, still nothing, no dilation, labor does not seem to be progressing."

John checked the readout from the machine monitoring the contractions. "The intensity seems to be easing slightly, I think we caught it in time." He pulled up a stool beside the bed and took Susan's hand. "It's going to be okay, baby, they are both fine. I will call take over for you at work, and you are now officially on bed rest until these babies are born."

Susan nodded tearfully. "My back was aching, I thought I just needed to rest. I'm sorry."

They were so focused on each other that they barely noticed when Abby quietly got up and left the room, wanting to give them a bit of privacy.

"Susan, it's not your fault, there does not seem to be anything that caused this, other than maybe the fact you are carrying twins. They look perfect, so I want you to relax and rest, just give it a bit of time for the contractions to stop." He brushed the hair back from her face and kiss her lightly. "I love you."

"I love you too." She leaned back into the pillow listening to the reassuring sounds of the monitors beeping. The contractions were starting to let up, and she felt exhausted, her eyes drifted shut. She could feel John's hand squeezing hers as she fell asleep.


	19. White Flag

Abby poured herself a cup of coffee in the lounge, trying not to stare at Chuney who was coddling a little girl who was about 6 months old while a little boy sprawled sleeping on the couch beside her. The baby was cranky, crying, but Chuney was patient.

The nurse seemed so familiar with the baby, who had a soft down of blond hair and hazel eyes.

"You are really great with babies."

"Lots of practice, you aren't the only one who used to work in OB. Did you know, I was there when Susan and Carter delivered her niece, little Susie? That was so long ago now, Susie must be around 16 years old. Time flies."

"I did not know you were an OB nurse. So who are the little people? Where are their parents?" Abby finally turned and leaned against the counter as Chuney coaxed the slightly grouchy little girl to take the nipple.

"Ava and Cosmo. Carter had to bring them when he came in, so I offered to watch them for a while, let him take care of Susan." Chuney said without ever taking her eyes off the baby. "Adorable, they have quite the family now, I was a bit surprised when Carter started dating Susan, but…they seem really happy. Dating her again, I guess I should say, not the first time they've been together. I knew it as soon as I saw them, she had come up from Des Moines for a job interview and you could just see the connection."

"When did she come back?" Abby moved a bit closer to look down at the tiny girl who was content now, sucking furiously at the bottle while clutching Chuney's fingers. She was tempted to run her fingers over the soft hair, but she didn't want to disrupt the little girl's bottle. As much as she'd been scared to have her own child, she loved babies, she always had. She missed Joe being this little, and there would be no more babies for her.

"Oh, um, it's been…not quite a year. They adopted this little angel not long after she started her new job, she was in Chicago only a couple months before Ava was born. It was really sudden, some girl who was a patient in Des Moines showed up asking her and Carter to take the baby. And then they were announcing that Susan was also pregnant, maybe a month or so after they adopted Ava, she was almost 4 months pregnant by then…crazy busy year for them. I think Carter was spending a lot of time in Des Moines for a while, he was only filling in here on maybe one or two shifts a week, he has been taking it a bit easier these days."

"Oh. Wow, that is…a lot of change. Adopting a baby, having twins, what are the odds of twins?"

Chuney shrugged. "I don't know, they've been pretty private about their relationship, you know how Carter can be. How's Luka? And Joe? Did they come down with you? He must be getting big."

"No, um, well, Luka's in Croatia and he took Joe because his dad is sick." Abby's put a tone of finality into her voice, which Chuney picked up on right away, she was not going to talk about it. Not with Chuney at any rate, they had never been that close.

They both looked up as the door open, and John came into the lounge.

"How are things going in here?" He noted Cosmo sleeping deeply on the couch. Ava's eyes reacted immediately to the sound of his voice, turning to seek out the source and her little arms reached out towards him. She was wiggling and trying to sit up, very obviously wanting her daddy. "Sorry, I guess I should not have come in." He lifted his daughter from Chuney's arms and placed her on his shoulder, soothing her, rubbing her back as she squawked a bit.

"Daddy's little girl, you can tell, she has always been like that, you come into the room and she wants you to hold her."

"I suppose she is, right princess?" He gave her a kiss on the top of the soft fuzz of hair, rocking her gently against his chest as she burrowed against him.

Abby smirked. "Princess, how did I know that any little girl you had would be a princess? Too bad you don't still live in the castle."

She could see Carter roll his eyes, and Chuney snorted with laughter. "Castle? I didn't know you ever had a castle, Carter."

"You never saw his grandmother's house. Definitely a castle…maybe not quite as big as Buckingham Palace, but it was pretty big. He lived there off and on for a while, didn't you Carter? While you grandmother was sick?" She didn't mention he also lived there after the stabbing and rehab, not something he liked to be reminded of for good reason.

Carter didn't answer, giving Abby a bit of a look and Chuney changed the subject. She knew it annoyed Carter when people made a big deal about his family.

"How's Susan? And the babies?"

"Fine for now, they got the contractions stopped, and she's sleeping. Just waiting for them to take her upstairs, she might be in for a few days, depending on how it goes. No damage done, but she was upset." He looked over at Abby. "You were with her?"

"We were just having coffee down the street, she stood up and looked like she was going to pass out. Said her back hurt and it was getting worse so I just brought her back here. Good thing we were so close, they got the drip started right away. It sounded like she had been having a back ache most of the day, but she didn't connect it until she actually started having contractions. I know my back hurt sometimes when I was pregnant with Joe, with two babies I can only imagine."

"Thank you for taking care of her, Abby. I think she over did it a bit today, and being twins…well you know. She is not going to be overly happy, but she is not going to be doing too much until after the babies are born." He turned Ava and offered her the bottle again, which she accepted right away, staring up at him, one small hand grabbing at his face.

Abby felt another twinge, watching Carter fuss over the baby, thinking, 'that could have been our daughter, it could be us'. She pushed the thought away, feeling disloyal to Joe and to Luka, but knowing Susan was right. Abby had pushed away good men, due to her own insecurities, and the more she looked at Carter, the more she realized that he was the one, had always been the one. He had loved her, had wanted to marry her, but she never felt good enough, and it drove them apart. Now it was far too late…he didn't love her anymore, he had stopped loving her somewhere out in the middle of deepest Africa, he had given up on them and moved on. Now he was with Susan, which was surreal, knowing he was with someone who had at one time been Abby's good friend.

Chuney patted John's shoulder. "I will be back in a bit, if you need any more help with the kids?"

"Thanks, I might need a little assistance once Susan is moved upstairs, we might end up staying the night here. I don't think I can leave her."

"Sure, Carter, I'll check on her so you can take care of Ava for a bit. I think she is going to throw a fit if I try and take her right now."

"She might, she's been kind of grumpy today, thanks Chuney."

Abby watched the door close behind Chuney and Carter sat on the couch, sinking in deeply.

"Careful, there might be a med student or two still trapped in that couch." Abby joked. It felt a bit awkward, being alone with Carter after all this time. She had not seen him in forever, and she had to admit, he looked great, far better than the last time she'd seen him even. Which was the day he got on the plane and left Chicago for Paris.

His brown eyes came up to meet hers, this was an old joke everyone used to share about the man eating couch. "Ha, maybe, but if so they've been in there a while, I am sure they've starved to death by now." He paused. "How have you been? I haven't seen you in…about 5 years. I heard about the move to Boston."

Abby shrugged. "Same old for me, it is mostly just work these days, as I said to Susan, I kind of miss Chicago."

"Yeah, I hear you. I missed it too, but then I have lived here most of my life. No matter where I go, Chicago will always be home. How's Luka? And Joe? Congratulations by the way, on getting married, having a baby."

"They are both in Croatia right now, Luka's dad is sick, so he is going to be there a while."

"Oh. I hope his dad is okay. You're an Attending in Boston? You must be by now?"

Abby nodded. "I am, I just made Attending here, the we decided to move to Boston. Fresh start and all of that, but…without Luka and Joe it is kind of empty up there. Chicago is closer to my mom, and to Eric, they are both in Minnesota, and…I have more friends here." She fiddled with her coffee cup. "I guess I should congratulate you too, things look like they have worked out well. Though I must say…Susan, that is a big surprise. You dated before and it never went anywhere."

"Thanks. It was a bit of surprise to us as well, but…everything is different now. Funny how things change."

Abby shook her head. "You two have a long history, is that what you are saying?"

"I suppose I am. We had some moments, we shared a lot, but until recently it didn't really click."

"Timing, right? Like with us, we had timing issues, even when we were dating we had timing issues. My family got in the way a lot."

"How is your mom, and Eric? Doing okay?" Carter didn't want to get into talking about them…it was such ancient history, and not the time or place. He was still thinking about Susan, and how they were going to get through the next few of weeks.

"Fine I guess, they are both on their meds as far as I know. Tough to know week to week, you know how they are."

"Yeah, I do."

Abby leaned against the counter watching how he was interacting with the baby girl.

"Looks good on you, Carter. I always knew you would be a good daddy. Three babies under a year old, you are going to be a busy guy."

"You could say that, but Susan will be off for a little bit, we can both work from home when we need, it will be fine."

"What, no nanny?"

"Yes, we have a nanny too, but not all the time, my kids are not going to grow up being handed off to the help. We do most of it ourselves, just easier with the two kids to have someone when we both have to work."

Abby glanced down at Cosmo. "Is he with you most of the time?"

"Cosmo? A lot yes, he goes to see his dad but he is going to school in Chicago, he mainly lives with us. Works out, we all get along, he is excited about being a big brother."

"Still four kids Carter. You look…really happy."

"Thanks, I am…finally. I'm glad you are too."

"I'm not with Luka and I'm not happy." Abby whispered miserably, watching Carter closely as he cradled Ava. He did not seem all that surprised…he barely twitched when she said it.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Carter gave his condolences, but he was not really surprised at the revelation. He knew more than he was letting on, as Susan had told him Abby had cheated, fallen off the wagon. Only so much a man can put up with, it appeared Luka had forgiven Abby and taken her back initially, but it was not an easy thing to get over and who knows what had happened since then. John knew from experience, a cheating spouse could be the deal breaker. Kem had put paid to their relationship by sleeping with Michel, and he had put the nail in the coffin by sleeping with Harper after running into her in Paris and then again when she had volunteered for the NGO. He had been surprised when she had shown up, and they'd had a fling, both rebounding from their respective marital breakdowns

"You know." Abby had narrowed her eyes, her gaze burning into him.

"Know what?"

"That I got drunk and cheated on Luka. That I fell off the wagon in a big way? Came to work drunk, slept with someone I shouldn't have? Who told you? Susan? She told you, right? Damn it, I could tell she knew, and she told you. How could she?" Abby was angry, the last person in the world she wanted to know that she had been unfaithful in her marriage was John Carter. She was ashamed to be facing him with that truth sitting between them.

Carter shrugged. "Yes, I heard about it, you know how the rumors fly at County. It is not my place to judge or comment, I am not judging you at all. That is between you and Luka. I am sorry that it didn't work out, I had hoped the two of you had ended up happy."

"That's it? All you have to say?"

"What do you expect me to say? It's none of my business, Abby, I can't get involved in whatever goes on between you and Luka, not my place, it is really not my place. Especially given the history."

"Funny, because you used to have a lot to say about my drinking and about my life. You made a big deal about it on a regular basis. You were always trying to fix me."

"Don't start, Abby. I was never trying to fix you, I was trying to keep my alcoholic friend from drinking and falling off the wagon. I assume if I had started using drugs again, you might have felt a bit of concern that I was engaging in self destructive behaviour and tried to get me to stop? But you didn't listen to me, so…bygones, right?"

"What would you do? To get Luka back."

"I have no comment. It is not fair of you to drag me into this. I can't give you marriage advice, I'm not qualified to give you advice for starters, like all of my relationships have been so successful. And you are married to Luka...no, don't ask me that Abby."

"Things are going well with you and Susan, though."

"Yes, they are, but I still can't tell you what to do, I don't want to know the details. I can't get involved. If you want relationship advice, talk to Susan, or Sam or…anyone but me. Remember, I'm not your girlfriend. Please."

"I used to be able to talk to you about anything."

"Used to Abby…there is too much history between us, I would not feel right about discussing you and Luka. I want you to be happy, but I can't make that happen, it is all up to you. It's always been all up to you."

"Hey, they are moving her up, and she's awake, asking to see you." Chuney cracked open the lounge door, taking in the way Abby was staring at Carter.

"Thanks Chuney. Do you mind watching Cosmo, I'll be back in a couple minutes to take him upstairs. Take care Abby."

He turned and walked out the door, leaving Abby standing there, wondering what hit her. Chuney was looking at her curiously, and she put up her wall quickly, before the questions started coming at her.

The words were echoing in her ears. 'I want you to be happy, but it's all up to you. It's always been all up to you.'

She gathered up her things and waved good bye to Chuny. Abby knew Carter was right, it was all up to her.

In her heart, she knew what she should do, but she was still running from her problems. She didn't have the courage to open up, but Luka…he was worth it, he loved her more than she deserved. She might never get a chance at having everything she desperately wanted but was too afraid to take when offered. She'd had the love of a very good person, and she had refused to accept it and lost him forever. There was only a slim chance that Luka would forgive her and take her back, but she had to try. She knew she would be on the next plane to Croatia, take the chance. It might not work out, but then again, if she didn't try, she would never know.

That is what Carter had done, he had loved Kem more than he had ever loved her, it was obvious. He had taken the chance, and though he was back and now with someone else, he had made the effort. He had always made the effort if Abby was honest with herself, even after his first trip to Africa he had tried to reach her, talk to her, and she rejected him…he finally gave up on her.

John walked into the room just as they were getting ready to move Susan upstairs, she looked up and gave him a smile.

"There you are, wondered what happened to you, I woke up and you were gone. But I see you have the kids with you?"

John leaned down and gave her a quick kiss.

"The nanny had already left and I didn't have time to call around for a babysitter, so I brought them along. Chuney was watching them for a bit, Cosmo is asleep in the lounge and this little monkey needed to be fed. You look a bit better now you've had some sleep."

"I feel not too bad, the contractions have stopped and my back isn't aching any more. But they want to monitor me over night."

"I heard. I will bring the kids up, maybe Chuney can bring up Ava, so I can carry Cosmo, I don't really want to wake him up."

Haleh held out her arms. "I'll take her Carter. You go get Cosmo, and meet us upstairs?"

John nodded and gave Susan's hand a squeeze. She lay back sleepily, still quite exhausted and let them wheel her up to the private room. She was thankful that John was able to arrange it, she desperately needed some rest, the past few hours had been stressful and she had not been sleeping well.

John scooped up Cosmo, and Chuney picked up the car seat and diaper bag, bringing them along for Carter. She was fond of the doctor, she had given him a hard time over the years, but he was still one her favorites and probably always would be.

"Thanks Chuney, I appreciate your help."

"Anytime Carter, you know that." She gave him a quick hug after he tucked Cosmo into the small cot they'd brought into the room. John was not leaving anytime soon, and the hospital was very accommodating for one of their own. She surprised him with a kiss on the cheek, and Susan watched amused as Chuney left the room.

"Wow, your own little fan club."

"You know it's not like that, I've just worked with her a long time. " John peeked into the baby bed and saw Ava was also fast asleep, sucking her thumb.

"I know honey, I'm kidding. She treats you like her little brother, she's a bit old for you anyways. She was a nurse here when I was still a resident."

"Yes, that's true, she has always teased me like a big sister, a very annoying big sister, but she's sweet, one of my favourite nurses."

"Oh do tell, favorite nurses of all time…go."

"Haleh, Malik, Yosh, Chuney and of course…Carol. Carol was the best, I was really sad when she left, but it was not a big shock, I mean, she needed to be with Doug, take care of her precious girls. I wonder how they are doing…Doug and Carol. Should look them up one day."

Susan noted he didn't add Abby onto that list, which was interesting. They'd had a complicated relationship, but still, he didn't think of her as a favourite?

"We should actually, I miss them too. You got close to them after I left, right?"

"I did, though nothing like how you were close with the three of them, I was still an intern and Doug and Mark were best buddies. Still, they were great to work with, and I miss them all."

Susan could see the serious look on his face as he came over to the bed, sitting, then leaning his head against her, one hand resting on her belly. She rested her hand on his head, stroking his hair softly. He was silent for some time before he could get out the words, the relief that she and the babies were all okay was overwhelming, he had been trying to keep control of his emotions and now he was starting break down.

"John, are you okay?" Susan spoke softly.

"I was scared when I got the call. I should have insisted you come right home after work, and we should have had you off work earlier. I am so sorry, Susan, and I am thankful you are all okay."

Susan could hear how choked up his voice was, and she realized how hard this must have been for him, he had lost his son so close to his birth. Getting a call that she was in the hospital would have been tough in any case, but after Joshua, it must have been far worse, not knowing what he would find when he arrived.

"No, I'm sorry. I know it was stupid, I had a back ache but I wasn't connecting it, it's my fault, not yours. I wasn't thinking.""

"I'm not blaming you, don't ever think that. I just don't know how I would manage if something happened to you or the babies." He had his head buried against her. "Sorry, I just…I really was worried about you."

"John, you don't have to apologize for being worried, I was scared too, but we are all okay. And I know you are not blaming me, you are blaming yourself and you shouldn't be. We both knew it was a risk, premature labor is a risk with twins and I have been feeling good overall, so I overdid it. I promise to take it easy for the next few weeks, this is difficult, I get that, but everything is fine. It is going to be okay."

"I don't want you going back to work until after the babies are born, we can't take any chances." He finally turned his head to look at her.

Susan nodded. "Okay, I will be the lady of leisure, I promise. Sleep in, not do too much walking, anything I need to do." She brushed her fingers across his cheek gently, trying to give him a reassuring smile.

"No arguments?"

Susan shook her head. "None. I would never forgive myself if I did anything to risk the health of our children, John. I feel bad enough I didn't recognize the signs today, I was scared too, and you have to know that I was terrified that they were coming too soon." She moved over in the bed a bit. "Come up here with me, both of the kids are sleeping, you look tired."

John slid off his shoes, then lay down on the bed with her. She moved close, cuddling against his chest, closing her eyes, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

"Get some sleep." His voice was soft against her hair. "We've both had a long day."

"You too, don't leave me, I want you to be here when I wake up."

"As long as they don't kick me out."

Susan let herself drift off, John lay awake for a while, his hand resting protectively on her belly above the monitors. He could hear the steady beeps as they measured the babies' heartbeats, and he felt the occasional little bumps and movements under his hand. He took a few deep breaths, telling himself it was all going to be okay, the babies were both fine, and they could manage the situation now. He had been trying to keep his anxiety to himself, even after all these years he was still worried about it happening again.

"Dr. Carter." He surfaced slowly from sleep as there was a gentle light touch on his arm. "Dr. Carter?"

He realized that he was wrapped up with Susan on the hospital bed, and someone was trying very quietly to wake him up. He opened his eyes, turning his head slightly to see the duty nurse, who had a bit of an amused look on her face. He disentangled himself from Susan and sat up.

"What?" He whispered.

"I need to re-position the monitors a bit, sorry for waking you, you both look so peaceful, but…you're in my way."

"Sorry, kind of drifted off there. Everything okay?" He watched as she carefully moved things around, picking up the heartbeats again from the slightly dislodged belts. The nurse watched for a moment, then checked the readout.

"It's fine, the monitors just got moved a bit, and the babies moved a bit, but we are not reading any contractions at all and the heartbeats are in the perfect range. I think the doctor is going to order her to cut back on activities, and go see her obstetrician again in a day or so, but it's all good. The doctor will be doing rounds in the next couple of hours." The nurse patted his arm, then exited.

John peered at his watch and realized it was almost 6 am. Susan was stirring now, as was Ava, she was going to be ready to be changed and fed soon. He popped into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, willing himself to wake up.

Susan looked up and smiled as he came back into the room. "I told you not to go anywhere."

"I didn't go far, just the bathroom. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Good, still a bit tired, but I don't sleep soundly when I'm in the hospital. I hope I can go home today."

"Me too." He heard Ava start to fuss. "I better deal with that before she wakes up Cosmo. Hey princess, how are you this morning?" He lifted her out of the bed and grimaced, turning his head aside. "Phew, I think we have a situation, code brown."

Susan laughed. "All yours daddy. Hop to it."

"Yeah I know. Do this, do that, all I'm going to hear for the next few months, right? Or is that the rest of my life?" He was already working on changing her, quickly and efficiently wrapping up the soiled diaper, and changing the little girl into some fresh clothes. "Do you want to hold her for a minute while I dispose of the toxic waste?"

"I'd love to. Come here Ava, or should I say daddy's princess?"

Susan cuddled and talked to the little girl until John came back, and started mixing up a bottle for her, and opened a jar of food. He expertly balanced the little girl on his knee and managed to get a couple of spoonfuls in, then tipped her back for the bottle.

"You are such a natural with kids. Good thing too, we are going to have a house full soon, only a few weeks."

"I know, you can supervise while I set up the cribs and everything in the room. Glad we got the furniture chosen and delivered already, I just have to finish putting it all together."

"No rush, we can use the bassinet for a little while, they will both be so tiny they can share for the first bit and they will like it better anyway. They have spent the last several months crammed into the same tiny little space."

"I suppose that's true, though you would think they would be happy to get away from each other. If I was crammed in a tiny space like that for 9 months, I am not sure I would be anxious to continue sharing my space. Just saying."

"But you aren't a baby…well, not generally anyhow. You do whine once in a while like a small child though."

"Funny, such a comedian. Next code brown is yours."

"Nope, I am taking it easy, remember? Feet up, no heavy lifting…no cleaning up toxic waste dumps."

"Clever aren't you. Going to play this one for every advantage?"

"You bet, not every day a girl gets to sit around and do nothing and make her man change all the diapers…though, to be fair, you do your share."

"More than my share, if you are honest, she doesn't save up the diaper changes until you're home I'll have you know. Ava keeps me very busy."

"You love it. I know you do, admit how much you love being home with her, it's a great gig."

"You caught me, I am loving every second…you know though, you can be home as long as you like with the twins, no rush to go back to work."

"I know, John, I get that we can afford to do whatever we want, but I tried being home with Cosmo, and I missed work. I love doing both, being a mommy and having my career. I think I should be able to have both."

"You can have both, if it is what you want. I know how hard you worked to get to where you are but the option is open, Susan. Or we can time share your job between the two of us, or you can just go back full time. The main thing is for you to be happy with what you are doing, if you want a change, then we just need to make it happen. I would not be able to be a full time stay at home daddy either, I need to have that outside interaction and that balance. Working from home has been great, and I still have the two Boards I am active on, and I will be volunteering and seeing patients soon too. I can't sit around, I have never been able to sit around."

"I noticed. It is actually interesting that you were one of the hardest working med students we ever had, and yet you were the one student who never even had to work. You could be golfing and admiring the view out of the fancy corner office."

"I would have died of boredom and you know it."


	20. What A Wonderful World

Susan woke up feeling John against her back, his arm draped over her, resting on her belly. They'd fallen asleep like this last night, as had become the habit. The twins seemed to get incredibly active right after she went to bed, and John loved feeling the babies move. He constantly talked to them.

Daddy bonding time is how Susan thought of it.

Susan stretched slightly, there was no rush for either of them to jump out of bed. John had been working from home, he hadn't wanted to leave her for more than an hour or two, and Susan was on strict rest orders from her doctor. She closed her eyes again, feeling John's arm tighten around her slightly then relax again as he drifted back into a deeper sleep.

She sighed, crawling out of bed, the babies were kicking and she needed her millionth bathroom trip.

"Where you going?"

"Bathroom, you know I have to pee 30 times a day. Try having two babies tap dancing on your bladder."

"Thanks but I'm good."

Carter rolled onto his back, watching her amble off, coming back a few minutes later to crawl back in the bed. She wiggled close, draping a leg over his, using him like a body pillow.

"Oh boy, I don't know how much longer I can carry around this belly."

"Not much longer, only a couple days and you will be 34 weeks. You don't have to do much, just sleep in, hang out, maybe even get to 35 or 36?" He was rubbing her belly gently, wondering how she managed. He could see she was incredibly uncomfortable most of the time now, she could only eat a tiny bit at a time and she spent half her time in the bathroom.

"I have an appointment this afternoon, they are running more tests, non-stress test today, you can drive me right? Sad when you get too big to fit behind the steering wheel and you need to be driven everywhere."

"Just enjoy it, pretend I am you chauffeur."

"Ah, so I get to see what it was like growing up as a Carter? Limousines, drivers? Don't even deny it, your grandmother had...what was his name? The one who always drove the town car, dressed in the nice suits."

"Alger. And you know why we had Alger, I could not have my grandmother out hitting people with her car. That was a pretty nasty situation, she never quite forgave herself for that girl and killing the dog."

"I know. Sorry, I shouldn't joke about that, it wasn't funny. Lucky the girl recovered."

Right, not funny. We're all set, Megan is going to watch Ava and Cosmo will be at school. I need to get up soon and take him, Megan should be here before I leave in case Ava needs anything. No lifting, right?"

"I know John, you are such a worrier."

"Hey, my prerogative to worry. I have to get up sweetie, can I get your actual pillows for you? Your temporary pillow has to take your son to school." John carefully slid out from under her leg, then tucked pillows around her, helping her get comfortable, leg propped up to take some of the pressure off.

"That's perfect, you've learned the art of propping up the pregnant lady. I might even be able to go back to sleep."

"Why don't you? If Megan isn't here before we go, I'll take Ava with us, so you don't have to get up." He leaned in to give her a kiss and brushed her cheek with his hand. "When I get back I can help you with getting ready, don't shower until I'm back."

Susan nodded sleepily. "Okay, okay, worry wart, I will just sleep. But I have been showering for many years, I know how to turn on the water."

"I know, but I still worry something will happen, you are not the most graceful at the moment."

"Are you calling me clumsy?" Susan threw an extra pillow at him, which he ducked easily.

"Never...but you have to admit, you are not all the agile either."

She closed her eyes, smiling slightly. She loved how much involvement he had, Chuck was pretty good but John seemed to know what she needed. All those years working at County sure paid off.

A few hours later, John supported her for the walk into Northwestern. She appreciated that it was much closer to home and nicer than County.

The nurse took her in right away.

"Oh thank goodness, I don't think I could have sat in those chairs for more than two minutes. If I had a comment, it would be to get more comfortable chairs for the waiting room. Those things are torture." Susan stepped on the scale, wincing at the numbers. "Wow, I weigh more than a baby elephant."

The nurse laughed as she made notes. "You do not. You're a perfect weight for carrying two extra humans around. You have obviously been eating properly. As far as those chairs, I agree but its not in the budget. We try not to make you wait when you are this far along with twins. Hop up here." She motioned to the exam table.

John laughed at the word 'hop' earning him a glare from Susan.

"Oh come on, like you can 'hop' anywhere at the moment. I'll give you a hand." He took her elbow and steadied her as she clambered onto the table.

"I guess I can't argue that point. How elegant, right? I know how hippos feel, please tell me these babies are coming out soon?"

"Soon honey, it will be very soon." John rubbed her knee.

The nurse readied the ultrasound equipment, and the doctor breezed in.

"Perfect, all ready I see. Let's get the measurements done, and then we're going to do the non-stress test, so you're going to be here for a while." She squirted on the cool gel and ran the wand over both the babies, nodding then turning the screen to they could both see. "Baby A I estimate is just under 5 lbs, Baby B is should be just over 5lbs, they look great, proper amount of fluid, but…let's see how the rest of the tests go. Did you want to know the sex of the babies? I have a good view today."

Susan looked up at John who stared at the screen.

"Yeah, um…do you want to know?"

"Did you see?" She watched his face. "You did too see, I can tell from your face."

"I think I know, but…do you want to know?"

"If you know then I need to know to. Tell me."

The doctor nodded. "Baby A is a girl and Baby B is a boy. One of each. Baby A is positioned a bit lower as you can see, and the exam shows that your body is getting ready for the big event. Doesn't look imminent, but I don't expect you to go past 37 weeks."

"Wow. A boy and a girl." Susan grinned. "I can't wait, and now we can pick names."

"Give us something to do while we wait."

The doctor strapped her up for the next test, getting her comfortable on her side. An hour later Susan was getting antsy, it seemed to be going well, but she was still nervous. John tried to keep her entertained, but staying in one spot was difficult.

"Things look good, the babies are doing well, so continue to take it easy and I'll see you back here in a couple days for a quick checkup."

The next week went as planned, though Susan was getting very tired of the trips in to see the doctor. They were in every two days, the doctor keeping very close tabs as the time got closer.

She snuggled down into her pillows, it was now the beginning of December and she was just past the 35 week mark. They were all tucked in, Megan had gone home early as the snow was coming down heavily. John crawled in beside her.

"Both kids are asleep. There is a blizzard out there, sound like things are shut down if you believe the news. They're expecting several feet of snow."

Susan gave a large yawn. "Mm, its so nice to be snug and warm. I am so tired." She closed her eyes and drifted into a light sleep.

A couple hours later she woke up feeling uncomfortable, she wiggled around, then sighed, struggling out of bed. As soon as she stood she could feel the warm trickle down her leg.

"Oh no. John…wake up…John." She picked up the nearest pillow and tossed it at him, ambling towards the bathroom. "John!"

She leaned against the wall as the contraction hit her, letting out a long groan of pain.

"Susan." His warm hands rubbed her back, as she tried to breathe. "Are you in labor? Never mind of course you are." He looked down at the puddle on the floor. "The floor is wet, your water broke?"

"Yeah, I have water running down my leg, and you need to start timing the contractions."

"I already am. The babies would pick tonight, no signs at all earlier?"

"Not really, I was having trouble getting comfortable, but no pain. We should go now, the doctor said if my water broke to come in, to come sooner rather than later."

"Okay, go in the bathroom, get that wet stuff off, and I will grab you some clothes." He flicked on the TV, turning to the news station. "Uh Susan?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, we have a problem. I have _no_ idea how we are getting through the snow. I don't think even the SUV is going to cut it unless we attach a snow plow."

"What?"

"Everything is shut down, even the L. We need to take a look and see how long we have."

Susan peeked out of the bathroom. "Seriously? There's that much snow? Great." She rubbed her belly ruefully. "Well, I guess one way to make an entrance, wait until the big blizzard."

"It's Chicago, in December, are you really surprised? Everything is at a standstill, perfect timing to go into labor. We need to see how far along you are, how much time we have before the big event."

Susan came out wearing her robe and looked out the window. "Oh holy crap, that _is_ a lot of snow. How are we even going to get down the street?" She doubled over as another contraction hit and John looked at his watch, timing automatically.

"Um, I think the answer to that is…we aren't." He patted the bed. "Let's take a look."

Susan lay back as he pulled out the medical kit he kept, washed his hands then snapped on some gloves. "Oh boy, things are moving right along, 7 cm, fully effaced, and...one of the babies is engaged."

He gave her the stats and she rolled onto her side as another contraction hit her. He massaged her lower back, silently counting the duration of the contraction.

"Oh that feels good, makes it hurt less. What are we going to do?"

"I'm calling for an ambulance? I don't want to get on the road to the hospital and get stuck with you in labor, especially since you're progressing so quickly. We're better here, it's warm and we can control the situation. The L is shut down too, if we can get paramedics at least we'll have some help and I won't be delivering stuck in a snowbank. If they don't make it in time, we'll manage. Not my first rodeo, we've both delivered babies, so…why don't you walk around a bit, try and breathe, I'm going to gather up some stuff."

He dialed the phone and talked to the 911 operator, giving them the situation as he rounded up supplies.

"I'm going to have to hang up, I'll unlock the front door, have them come in when they get here? I'm an ER doctor, I don't need instructions...yes, I've delivered quite a few babies...we have twins, 35 weeks, given the road conditions I don't want to leave the house, here I can help her." He was silent for a moment listening to the operator, Susan was trying to concentrate on his voice as another contraction hit. "Thanks."

He hung up the phone and helped Susan with another contraction. "Keep moving baby, it will help. I need couple more items. Do you want a warm shower? That might help you feel better."

"Please, I'd love a shower. How long will they be?"

John led her into the bathroom, turning on the shower and testing the water for her.

"They don't know, it could be a while, the plows can't keep up with the snowfall and emergency vehicles are having a really hard time keeping up with the calls. I called in to your doctor's service as well, let them know you'd gone into labor, she's not on shift, I told them I didn't think we were going to actually make it to the hospital."

Susan stood in the shower stall, letting the water cascade over her. It felt good, relaxing, John had the water just the perfect temperature. She tried to keep moving around, leaning as each contraction hit, which eased the pain somewhat. She knew things were moving fast, she hoped John would be quick getting supplies.

"How are you doing?" His reassuring voice filtered over the water, as she let out another groan. "Deep breaths, good, you're doing great. Let me know when you are ready to come out."

John managed to mop up the floor, and find the items he needed, luckily, both of them being doctors, they had a well-stocked medical kit. He brought the bassinet in and put in a sheet, some clothes for the babies, some towels and some crushed ice in a glass for Susan.

"John!" Susan called out for him from the bathroom.

"You okay?" He immediately went to the bathroom to check on her.

"Yes, just, I want to come out, I need a towel." She flicked off the water and John helped her out, wrapping a large fluffy towel around her. He rubbed her dry, finding one of his over sized t shirts and pulling it over her head.

"Warm enough? Not a hospital gown, but it will do."

"I'm good, my body is a bit like a furnace right now. It's okay, I don't have a fever." She noted his alarmed look at the furnace comment, and he ended up taking her temperature anyway.

"Normal, good. Sorry, had to do it, we need to keep a good eye on everything."

They spent the next 45 minutes with Susan moving about restlessly, pacing the bedroom with John rubbing her back and helping her through contractions. He kept an eye on the news and the traffic snarls were majorly tying up all the main routes and the side roads were impassable. The ambulance hadn't shown, and labor had progressed substantially.

He checked on Cosmo and Ava, both were fast asleep, he quickly packed up the diaper bag and a few items for the kids and organized it by the door.

"No ambulance yet, roads are still impossible by the looks of things. We are as organized as we can be at this point." He patted the bed and did another check. "Not long, I am glad we know they are both presenting head down, and that is definitely a head." He did a gentle palpitation of her lower belly. "10 cm…are you ready mommy?"

Susan took a few deep breaths through the contraction and nodded. "I'm ready. I want to push, I really feel like I need to push."

"Yeah, you're crowning. Okay, next contraction…push honey." He started the countdown, Susan bearing down. "Stop for a second, turning, perfect, okay, another good push and this baby is...out." John expertly caught the little girl, who whimpered slightly, he grabbed a towel and wiped the baby down quickly, checking her mouth and nose.

Susan felt the tears in her eyes. "Oh she's beautiful. Perfect, but so tiny."

"She's a cutie, pinking up nicely. Great job, relax for a minute, keep an eye on her while I finish up." He laid a fresh small blanket on her chest, and placed the baby there for her to hold. "Small push, the placenta is coming. Looks good." He bagged it up quickly, clamped and cut the cord, then set everything aside.

Susan cuddled the baby against her. He pulled out his stethoscope, listened to her heart and breath sounds, the baby was mewling now.

"Ah, are you cold sweet thing? Let's get you wrapped up properly." He diapered and swaddled her quickly, putting on a pink knit hat. "Don't want her to get cold."

He took a quick temperature.

"Is she okay?"

"Perfect, she's perfect. Temp is normal, breathing is good, heart sounds fine. She's little but feisty, she's close to 6 lbs, I'll weigh and measure her once her brother arrives. She'll be good, let's keep her bundled up and warm. Her brother should be along soon."

"Can I get up?"

"Yes. Let me put baby girl here in the bassinet, and I'll help you in case you get dizzy. Nice and slow…good. Okay? Not lightheaded or anything?"

"I'm fine, can you walk with me? I want to encourage this little guy to engage."

Within 15 minutes they were repeating the procedure.

"Damn, that's not a head. I've got a foot."

"He turned? Now?"

"Yes. All right. Hold on, don't push yet. I'm going to see if I can tuck his foot up and get him to present his bum, he's too far down to turn but I he's not too big."

"Ow, ow, John."

"Sorry, sorry, I had to push him back a bit, but his leg's up now. Okay give me a good push. Wait stop, stop."

Susan gritted her teeth, fighting the urge to bear down. "What's wrong, I need to push."

"No, wait…deep breaths okay? The cord's around his neck, I need to loosen it off." John worked quickly as Susan tried to breathe and relax. "There, I have it, okay go!" He started to countdown as she pushed.

"Stop. Breathe, you're fine."

"Is he okay?"

"Yes hold for a second, I'm turning him a bit. One more push, you're doing great."

Seconds later their son came into the world. John rubbed him with the towel and cleared his nose, but the baby wasn't breathing.

"Come on little guy, breathe for me." He did some gentle compressions with his fingertips, then blew softly across the baby's face trying to stimulate his breathing. "Come on."

John did a few more compressions, then blew more air onto his face,repeating this every few seconds. Susan sat up and watched, tears in her eyes.

"Breathe baby." She whispered. "John, is he okay?"

He saw the chest rise and fall, and the little boy started turning pink. He listened with his stethoscope to both the baby's chest and back.

"He's breathing, chest is clear. Good heartbeat. He needed a tiny bit of encouragement, but he'll be okay. Fast labor, so his lungs weren't quite ready, but he's fine now."

He flipped a baby blanket over her chest then lay the tiny boy on her while he dealt with the cord.

"Oh, he's perfect." Susan held her son close, admiring him as John alternately kept an eye on their new daughter and gave her a couple of quick sutures.

"A little tear, but not too bad. Time for a stomach massage." Susan felt him checking her belly. "Firming up, no excessive bleeding, good. How do you feel?"

"Not bad considering I pushed out two babies. A little tired though."

"You were a rock star. We need to re-hydrate you, can you stomach some water, juice, or tea? I can get you something after you're cleaned up."

He helped Susan rinse in the shower, dress in some fresh sweatpants and warm sweatshirt, then tucked her into the middle of their bed. She nursed their daughter, and kept an eye on their son who was bundled up safely beside her while John cleaned up and got her a drink.

He called in to 911 and let them know everyone was fine, and he could just drive them in to the hospital once the roads were plowed. He brought the phone close by, then moved onto the bed, holding their new daughter while Susan fed their son.

"They're perfect, you did so great." John leaned over and kissed her gently, cuddling the little girl against his chest.

"You were terrific too daddy. You didn't miss a beat, just…wow. I'm glad you were here. I couldn't imagine going into labor on a night like this and having someone who didn't have a clue trying to help? A breech birth and then he wasn't breathing, that was scary."

"I wouldn't have missed this for the world. You were so calm and collected, most women would have been hysterical."

"Well, I was scared, but I also knew that you were doing everything you could and most often the baby will start breathing if you know how to stimulate them. Not the first time we've run into it, but it's different when it's your own child."

"I hear you, but I guess the doctor thing is just ingrained and I don't have to think as hard, it's almost a natural reaction now."

"Crazy though, we did this all on our own. Twins at home, no one is going to believe it."

"Ah, I think they might. Home birth does not scare me as much as it might have at one time. We did a lot of deliveries in very primitive conditions when I was in Africa. The women doctors do more deliveries than the men of course, in Darfur they don't like men doing those kinds of exams but still, they have a lot of babies in Africa without the benefit of hospitals and all the modern equipment, and they do just fine. And we saw only a small portion of the births, most women didn't even bother coming in, they just have the women in their village assist them. Even just watching how they handle it, here it is a major production, but there…it's just such a natural part of life."

"I guess that's true, women have babies every day, all over the world and don't need all the fancy medical stuff. This was so…amazing, that's all I can say. I trusted you would take care of us, and you did. If daddy wasn't a doctor, I probably _would_ have panicked."

"Always, Susan, I will always take care of my family. This is great, relaxing in our own bed, with our new babies. We'll take them in for a checkup once the roads are better, but unless you're having issues we'll just come back home again right away. You're feeling good?"

"Yes, I won't lie, it was painful not having even the tiniest bit of pain medication, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. If I was ever going to have another baby, I'd probably plan it this way...not that we are having any more, the store is closed."

"I agree, 4 kids, 3 under the age of 1? We both knew this would be it, if you want any more later, I think we'll need to look at adopting another child. I can't imagine you wanting to get pregnant again anytime soon."

"I'm pretty happy with what we have John. I thought one more baby would be great, and we have three. I don't think I want to give birth to any more kids, I'm so happy with what we have."

"Me too. I guess we should pick names for our new family additions."

"The name game again, good thing we've picked some options, now we need to decide which ones fit best. The kids will be up in a while, I bet Cosmo will be excited that he has a new brother and sister. He didn't even notice, did he?"

"Nope, slept through the whole thing, they both did, but it did happen fast, and I guess we have good sound proofing, because there were a couple points where you were a bit loud."

Susan gave him a playful punch.

"Ouch." He rubbed his shoulder and she gave him another light smack. "Ow, bully."

"Oh don't be a big baby. You didn't have to give birth twice in a row, so, no comments from the peanut gallery."

"I'm grateful for that...the guys get the fun part. Seriously, you were incredible, very brave and I'm proud of you."

"You were pretty amazing too, daddy." She leaned in and gave him a long kiss.

"Ew, kissing." They both looked over to see Cosmo watching them with sleepy eyes. "What are you doing mommy?"

He frowned and tilted his head, noting the small bundles they were holding.

"Come meet your new little sister, and your new little brother." Susan beckoned him towards the bed. "They were born last night."

"Wow...the babies are here?" Cosmo ran over to the bed and peered down at the little bundles. "I thought you were going to the hospital to get the babies."

"Yes they're here. We didn't make it to the hospital there was lots of snow last night, so John delivered them right here at home. We'll go later, but you can come with us."

"Can I hold them?"

"Sure, go wash your hands with soap and water, then you can hold them."

They spent a few minutes introducing Cosmo to his new brother and sister."

"Oh, we should call the doctor too, let her know everything is all good. We got a little sidetracked."

They spent the next few hours making phone calls. By afternoon the roads had been cleared and they took the tribe with them to the hospital, Susan's doctor did a quick exam on her, while the pediatrician gave the babies a full checkup.

"Nice sutures. Someone has some skill."

"John, he can do stitches blindfolded. He had a really great teacher when he was a student and he did a year as a surgical intern."

"He did a great job, and he did well with the delivery and aftercare stuff. Everything looks perfect, the babies are nice and healthy. I'd like to have you overnight?"

"No, I want to go home, John has been monitoring me, he knows what to look for and what to do if there's a problem. It's been hours, they were born at about 4 in the morning, and I feel fine. Same with the babies, they're both so healthy, I'm going to take them home. We're both doctors, and he did the initial exams, we can manage."

"Okay, well, I will trust your judgement, I can't argue to much, you and John both being doctors. Do you have names? We can fill out the birth certificate information now, so it can be sent in and you should come in a few days, unless you have problems."

Susan was grateful to be home again a couple hours later. Megan had finally arrived as well, and she was able to care for Ava and Cosmo for the rest of the afternoon, while she and John took care of the new babies and got a bit of sleep. It had been an eventful day.


	21. Everything'll Be Alright

Susan recovered quickly and they were both immersed in taking care of the kids. Before she knew it the twins were a week old, and it was now less than two weeks before Christmas. She had finally managed to go out and do a bit of shopping, but they had agreed to keep it low key this year. John was not big on the commercialism, and aside from Cosmo, the babies would not even remember.

As he had done previous years, John had set up a gift donation program at both County and the Center, packing up the gifts and shipping them over to Africa for Debbie and Angelique to hand out to the sick kids who were stuck in the clinics, as well as a few goodies for the parents too. He told her about the first year he was in Africa and how excited the kids had been to get even one small gift to unwrap, and even a small piece of candy was treasured. He even shared a few pictures with her, showing her the clinic with the few Christmas decorations and old tree Debbie had managed to get from the Embassy.

He also did nice packages up for Debbie and Angelique, sending them a few luxuries as neither were making it home for Christmas, they would be staying in Kinshasa. He included a few pictures of the kids, knowing both ladies loved to get the updates.

"John!" Susan was in the kitchen making a snack when the doorbell rang. "Can you get the door? John?" The bell rang again, so she figured he was upstairs and had not heard. She opened the door, finding a distinguished looking man on the doorstep, holding several large bags. She smiled and looked at him expectantly.

"Can I help you?" The man had not yet spoken, he was just looking at her, but there was something quite familiar about him. She felt like he was sizing her up and it was making her a bit self-conscious.

"Is John here?" The man finally spoke, his deep brown eyes looking past her into the house.

"Yes, he is. Can I tell him who is here to see him?"

The man laughed slightly. "Sorry, of course, we've never met, have we Dr. Lewis. Jack Carter. Sorry, my hands are rather full at the moment, my apologies for being rude."

"Oh, um, not a problem. Sorry for keeping you standing outside. Come in." She stepped back and ushered him in closing the door. She now recognized why he seemed so familiar, the eyes…John definitely had his dad's eyes. "Strange that we didn't ever meet, considering how long I've known John, but…please call me Susan?"

"And you should call me Jack…or dad…whichever you prefer. I know you are not legally married, but I think we can agree that you don't get much more married than having 3 kids together."

"Well, if you count my son Cosmo, then it's four actually…but I get your point. I feel married most days."

She could feel Jack's eyes flit to her left hand, which was as usual sporting the diamond ring John had given her.

"Right, John mentioned that your son lives with you most of the time."

"Hey who was at the door?" John came down the stairs with the twins, one in each arm. Cosmo followed right behind him. "Dad. What a surprise."

And he really was surprised. He had left a message for his dad when the babies were born, and had heard nothing back. He didn't bother even trying to locate Eleanor, she had truly checked out of his life at least 6 years ago.

"John. I thought it was about time I came to meet my grandchildren. I brought them a few little gifts."

Susan eyed the large bags and gave John a look, which Jack did not see. She tried not to giggle, a few little gifts? It looked like he had bought out a couple stores. Good thing they had a big house, they'd received quite a number of baby gifts, despite the fact that Susan had not bothered with a formal baby shower. The one that still surprised her was the fact that the staff at County had done a pool and gifts had arrived both when they adopted Ava, and with the birth of the twins. It seemed the nurses were still quite fond of Carter, and most of the staff knew him.

"Come on in. Can I get you anything?"

Jack just smiled. "I would love to hold my grandchildren."

John got him settled and gave him their new baby girl first. "This is Maya Gabrielle. Our son is Benjamin Chase."

"Very cute." John watched in surprise as his dad cuddled the little girl. "Go ahead and open the presents."

"I'll let Susan do that, since I have Ben. Ava should be up in a bit too."

Susan opened each gift, a little stunned at the extravagance of the gifts. All three babies ended up with a special engraved dish set, a beautiful handmade baby blanket, along with stuffed animals and a selection of well-chosen clothing. Even Cosmo had some gifts to open, which surprised Susan even more, that Jack had thought of her son. When Ava started to cry, John gave her Maya while he ran upstairs to get the little girl.

Jack was now holding Ben and looking totally enamoured with the little boy. Once John returned with a freshly changed Ava, he insisted on giving the little girl her bottle.

"I would offer to take you all out for dinner, but perhaps that might be a bit too much with so many little people. I'd like to have dinner brought in, if that would be okay?"

"That would be really nice, Jack." Susan smiled warmly at John's dad. This was entirely unexpected, she could see John was looking slightly suspicious at his dad's behaviour.

"Great, around 6 or so good? I was thinking we could get Dominic's to deliver."

Susan frowned a bit. "Dominic's"

"Oh, you don't like them? We can order from somewhere else."

"Um, no that sounds great, we love Dominic's, I was just not aware they delivered."

Jack just smiled and disappeared with the phone into the office.

"Dominic's doesn't deliver." Susan whispered at John.

Carter gave her a little shrug. "Oh, they will, they just don't do it for everyone. Having the last name Carter helps, they loved my grandparents, and we go there all the time. We just booked a Christmas lunch there for all the staff at the Center too, we booked the whole restaurant. They'll deliver, trust me. I bet you they'll even bring dessert."

Susan giggled. "Cheesecake I hope."

"You want cheesecake? No problem." He got up and disappeared for a couple minutes and then was back.

"You didn't."

"Sure I did, dad ordered dessert too, so I told him you wanted cheesecake, not that big a deal. What I can't figure out is why he is suddenly so interested and he just…showed up. So weird."

It wasn't long before Jack returned, and got involved with the kids again, even taking the time to get to know Cosmo, and insisting he was Grandpa Jack. He helped the young boy put together a model car he had given him as a present.

"So John, the center will be opening soon. What do I have to do to get a tour?"

Susan could see the look flit across John's face, which he masked quickly.

"Just ask. How long are you around for?"

"Just a couple weeks, I thought maybe I would hang around for Christmas…if it would be okay. Whenever you have time, I would love to see it. Sounds like it has been a great success, I keep hearing the details from the other board members."

"You are in Chicago for Christmas? Um, sure, we are just going to have dinner at home, our friends Todd and Wendy were going to join us with their kids, so it will be houseful of rug rats, but you are welcome too. Where are you staying?"

"I have a suite at the Ritz, and a few open houses on Christmas Eve, but I would love to see the kids open their presents…or you open their presents for them I guess. And while I'm here it would be great to see the Center."

"Sure, we can find some time this week for a full tour. It is actually opening to the public after Christmas, we have the staff hired and are running the orientation and training sessions now, so…the great success part remains to be seen. Maybe we will open the doors and no one will come?"

"Yeah right, from what I heard there are already waiting lists for some of the programs. The daycare is almost full, a lot of the outpatient clinics are already prebooking appointments. The team has done a fantastic job of getting the word out. You should be pretty proud of what you've done John, it will be well utilized."

"Susan, you are working for the Center too I understand? That is going to be challenging with 4 young children."

"Well, John is a huge help there, he mostly works from home, we do have some help with the kids, she's not here today, she is taking a few days off while we are both home. I will be back to work in time for the grand opening. John and I are job sharing for a while so things don't get behind."

"So you are not working at County anymore?"

"No, with two Boards and the Center, and four kids at home, I had to cut back a bit. Instead I am spending more time with the kids, and I've been covering for Susan while she is off. We did a ton of work before the babies were born too."

Cosmo looked up. "John delivered my brother and sister. They didn't even go to the hospital."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Really? Is he kidding?"

"No he's not. We had a blizzard and Susan went into labor, so…the twins were born at home. We had a bit of fun, but it went pretty well overall. Susan was amazing."

"Yeah, so you were you. Maya was easy, but Ben was breech with a foot down and the cord around his neck. You did a great job."

"So all those years of medical school were useful then. Your grandparents sure paid a bundle for your education. U Penn, Wharton, Northwestern."

John rolled his eyes. "Oh boy here we go. You know it was all I ever wanted to do. And in the end, everyone got what they wanted, I'm on the Board, I'm running the Foundation and doing all the fundraising, all the thing Gamma wished for, and I got to be a doctor. The end."

There was no missing the tone in his voice, Susan could tell John was beyond annoyed with the comment.

Jack inhaled deeply he obviously had not missed it either. "You're right, we have been through this too many times…can we just…pretend I didn't say that? I want to just have a nice visit, get to know my almost daughter in law, and my grandkids."

John put up his hands. "Okay, forgotten, just remember I didn't chose it, it was mandated upon me."

"I know. So, how's Eleanor?"

Susan was watching the conversation go back and forth.

"How would I know? Not like she ever calls or anything, I haven't seen or heard from her since you two got divorced. I guess I've been disowned by the Ferguson clan."

Jack frowned. "Seriously? Are you kidding John? Your mother has not kept in touch?"

"Why would I kid about that? I don't have a clue where she is, the last time she was here was a game to get your phone number. When that didn't work out for her, she floated off in her bubble, never to be seen again. I don't even think Barbie has heard from her, or if she has she didn't tell me about it."

"Barbie."

"Yeah, Barbie. I've seen her a few times, I was in Paris quite a bit for a while. We aren't super close, but I hear from her now and again."

"Hmm, I'm sorry John. I really am."

"It doesn't matter anymore. I got over it a long time ago, her choice, if she wanted to find me she could. Barbie has known all of my addresses, and it isn't hard to find someone named Carter in Chicago, right? At this point I don't have anything to say to her anyways, she hasn't been there for me anytime in the last 30 years, why would she start now?"

Jack was silent for a moment.

"You're right. But I'm still sorry, you grew up without a mother, but…you sure landed on your feet. I've been worried about you at times, but needlessly I guess. You've done okay in the end."

Susan was relieved to hear the doorbell ring, things were getting a mite tense. Luckily Cosmo seemed oblivious.

"That will be the food." Jack stood and headed immediately for the door.

"Sorry." John ran a hand across his face then followed. They both came back shortly with a ton of bags.

"Did we order the whole restaurant?" Susan tried for some levity.

"Almost. We should eat while it's hot and the babies are all still sleeping." John quickly set the table and soon they were all sitting, enjoying the feast.

"Wow, now I know they deliver, I am going to be calling them all the time." Susan had another bite of salad. "Thank you Jack, this is nice. I do hope you will join us for breakfast on Christmas morning too."

"I would like that Susan."

The rest of the evening passed without incident, and Jack left to go back to the hotel. John bathed Cosmo and got him tucked into bed then helped get Ava down to sleep while Susan nursed the twins. John slid into bed beside her when the kids were all settled.

"It was interesting to finally meet your dad. I haven't meet a lot of your family."

"Not much to meet. Most of the cousins are off somewhere living their lives, my cousin Chase passed away a while back, my grandparents…both sets are gone, my sister's in Europe and my mom…well who knows. It's just really me and my dad, and now you see why we don't spend a lot of time together. Lucky you were here or it would have gotten far uglier than it did."

"Is he that bad?"

"Oh yeah. When I announced we were building the Center, he asked if I was using drugs again. He referred to Kem as 'that pregnant African' and barely even spoke to her, seriously in the time we were together, he saw her twice. Twice in what…six years. "

"Are you being serious?"

"Like a heart attack. I would not even joke about that, those are his words. That he was nice to you was like some sort of miracle, though you notice he got in his dig…since you are his 'almost' daughter in law." He did the quotation around 'almost'.

"I noticed that one."

"Yup, that was the 'you have three kids marry her already comment'. Better get used to it, next he'll be saying 'I look forward to receiving the wedding invitation'."

"He doesn't know, right? About you and Kem? And he would not say that, about the invitation."

"Oh yeah, he would…in fact I am quoting one of his famous lines, so don't kid yourself. And no he doesn't know that I'm not divorced. We don't ever really talk about anything that is remotely important and it would create a huge issue, so I have said nothing. I left him a message after the twins were born and I didn't even get a call back, he just drops in out of the blue. I mean, I know he's my dad, but still, I don't see him, or hear from him for months, and suddenly he wants to spend Christmas being a big happy family. With me and his bastard grandkids and his almost daughter in law. I mean, shit, where do I go with that?"

"Maybe he actually wants to see them, John, and they are not bastards. Don't talk like that, ever."

"Sorry, I don't think that, but I feel like he is thinking that. You know I love all of our kids, we made a choice because I refuse to let someone dictate that I can't be happy because they are hung up on what used to be. I can't explain to him Susan, I don't even want to. I have spent most of my life listening to his criticism of everything I do, and I just…can't stand it. You know how I feel about you, about our family. I would marry you tomorrow if I could, but the reality is I can't. My dad is old school, you meet a girl, marry her, and then have kids. I seem to have kids and then marry the girl, and it does not play well with my family. If he actually knew I was married to someone else and having kids with you, well, I will never hear the end of it." He wrapped his arms around her and buried his head against her neck. "You know I love you."

"I know, I get it, you're venting your frustrations. I know you love us John, and I wish it was different too. Let's just try and get through the holidays without the drama. Let him spend some time with the kids, show him around the Center and he'll go home, wherever that is. At least he came, my parents still live in Chicago and they haven't made any effort to see me since I got back. They have four grandkids they never see, and I refuse to run after them. They never visited me in Des Moines either, or Phoenix. If I see them it's because I go to them."

"We really have messed up families don't we? How did we turn out so normal…or relatively normal anyways?"

"I don't know, but Grandpa Jack might be the only grandparent our kids ever have, so try and make nice. I know that is a big request, but just for a few days. We can be all lovey and sappy and maybe he'll see that we are happy and get off your case."

"You think? That would be nice. At least he talks to you. With Todd and Wendy around he will be on his best behaviour. He won't be rude in front of strangers…unless they are my girlfriend then all bets are off."

"So we invite them a bit earlier. They are a great couple, I will miss them when they leave Chicago, it seems like our friends are always moving away. Speaking of which, I have a bit of a favor."

"Which is?"

"Lexi. She is alone at Christmas. Would you mind…if I invited her up for a few days over the holidays? She is dying to see the twins, and I kind of miss her."

"Of course you can, Susan. I like Lexi, I got to know her a bit from work. And we both know how much it sucks to have no family around Christmas. We have a guest room, no problem."

Susan grinned. "You don't have any nice, single guys that you know? Ones that might be…alone around Christmas, round out the party a bit?"

"Ah, you want me to fix up Lexi with someone. Hm, well, what's her type."

"Single, about 40 and not gay."

"That leaves it pretty open. I'll tell you what, if she has time off, you should have her come up and we will invite her to go with us to the Christmas Lunch at Dominic's. We have some doctors that might fit the bill, shocking how many doctors our age are divorced or single, especially when most of them are really nice guys…or nice ladies, I guess it goes both ways. And I will keep my ears open and see if any of them sound abandoned over Christmas."

"Anyone else?"

"That live here? Um, not really, most of the guys I went to school with are married, or moved away, dead, or never lived in Chicago to start with. I have a group of dive buddies, a couple of them aren't married, but one lives in Philly and the other in Nevada. Successful nice guys, they might have girlfriends too, they usually do. No one at County I would even consider introducing her to, so, the new doctors we just hired are the best pool of single men I can come up with on short notice."

"Well, it's a start. The lunch, I totally forgot, and Dominics right? I have nothing I can fit into right now except my maternity stuff. I'd rather not wear any of that."

"So go buy something. I'll give you my card, and you can get something that will fit, actually get yourself whatever you need."

"I don't want to get too much, I really want to get back into my old stuff."

"Which will take a while, and that's okay. Buy yourself some clothes, Susan, even a few things for the next couple months. It will be a while before you can wear about 90% of your clothes."

"Thanks for that, are you saying I'm fat now?"

"Nooo, no. That is not what I was saying, I am just saying you are very well endowed, which is a great thing, and you need to give yourself a break, you just gave birth to twins, a woman's body changes during pregnancy. That is a fact, it's not criticism or anything like it. You look great."

"Liar. Though I must say I like having the breasts that go along with breastfeeding, but they will shrink soon enough. The huge ass and flabby belly I can do without."

"It's only been a week, Susan, and I am not a liar. You are still beautiful and sexy, and amazing."

"Now I know you're lying, I've met quite a few of your girlfriends, John, they are always…very attractive with these amazing beach bodies. If I put on a bikini right now they would go get the harpoon."

"Hey." He grasped her chin and tipped her head up to look at him. "None of that, Susan. I know you like to make jokes, but I am not that shallow and I hope you know that. I have thought you were attractive forever, ever since I met you, and that has not changed. You just gave me two beautiful children, and it doesn't matter if you don't look like you did before. I love you just the way you are. Understand?"

She ran her fingers down his face. "I understand, I just fear things will never get back in their proper place. It took a lot of work, a special diet and tons of exercise to get back into shape after Cosmo, and…I did it all after my marriage fell apart. I sometimes wondered if I had made more effort earlier if I would have been more…desirable, and he would not have cheated."

"Honey, love doesn't work like that and you know it. Besides, the more voluptuous curvy you is sexy, trust me, just as sexy as the 500 hours at the gym Susan was. If you are honest, the reasons your marriage fell apart have nothing to do with 10 lbs and everything to do with Chuck being the wrong guy."

"It was more than 10 lbs, and now…it is way more than 10lbs, more like 30lbs. And I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable."

"I am going to say something, but don't kill me until I finish saying it. If…and only if you are unhappy and you are doing it for you…not for me…then we can make time for you to go and do whatever fitness thing you want. Get back into yoga, go walking, join a gym, or hire a personal trainer if you want to. But do it for you, not because you think if you don't meet some ideal body weight or type that I am going to lose interest. I love you, as you are. You don't need to go crazy on the treadmill for me. And don't overdo it."

"I can hire a personal trainer?"

John shook his head slightly. "That is all you heard out of everything I just said?"

"No, I'm kidding…sort of. I love you too, and thank you for saying it. But, it makes me feel good about myself, and I do want to get back in shape as soon as possible. So maybe I'll start with a yoga class and some walking…but the personal trainer idea would be great, I would love it."

"Then hire one, whatever makes you happy."

"Thank you baby." She gave him a kiss then they curled up, hoping to get some sleep before the twins needed to be fed again.

The next day Susan called Lexi and invited her to come up for a visit to Chicago.

"John won't mind if I crash your Christmas plans?" Lexi sounded excited by the invitation.

"No of course not. He knows what it's like Lexi, and you have the holidays off, come up whenever you like. In fact, I know you are taking a couple weeks, and we have a Christmas party, John said I should invite you. Might be some nice single doctors there."

"Oh really. Sweetening the pot? Did you tell John to fix me up?"

"I might have asked if he had any single friends or knew any eligible men. Come on, you should come. Great food, it will be a fun party. You can meet Todd and Wendy, hang out and see all the kids. You know you want to. If you come up a couple days early we can go shopping, I need a dress to wear to the lunch, nothing seems to fit right now."

"All right. Sold. I will be on the train on Tuesday, we can go shopping Wednesday. And I will crash the Christmas party and hang around over Christmas. If you are sure its okay with John."

"We talked, it's fine Lex, just get your butt up here, I miss our girl talks."

As promised Lexi appeared a couple days before the lunch.

"You look great honey. Wow, so happy."

"I am happy, come meet all my babies. Cosmo is at a friends, John is picking him up. Our nanny Megan will be here tomorrow along with John and we can go shopping."

They spent the evening catching up with lots of girl talk. John kept himself busy and out of the way getting some work done, and entertaining Cosmo while Susan and Lexi doted on the babies.

The next day Susan and Lexi spent a few hours shopping, as promised John handed over a credit card, but Susan noticed it had her name on it.

"My own card?"

"Sure, I can't always give you mine, so...you have your own. Buy what you need, and have fun."

Susan and Lexi left the house, Lexi giving her a grin.

"A platinum card? Wow honey, jackpot. Must be nice to be with the rich guy."

"You know, I have know John so long, that I often forget that he has so much money. It's not that important Lexi. I mean it's nice in some ways, don't get me wrong, but it's him I'm with, not the bank account. We live pretty simply, and I like it that way."

"Hm, well, you drive a brand new SUV, live in a really nice house, and have...everything. The kids bedrooms are insane, all the clothes and toys, wow."

"Yeah, and we didn't buy most of that, half of it was gifts. Gifts from people I don't even know, and John's dad showed up with an insane amount of stuff, and now I find out that he still hasn't given them their Christmas gifts. They are spoiled rotten and the twins aren't even a month old yet."

"Enjoy Susan, you only live once. Every girl should be so lucky to find a guy like John, rich, good looking, generous and he loves you. Count your blessings girl."

"Oh I do, trust me. Every day, I am thankful I got on that train and came to the opening party. So, lets get me a dress for the party."

Susan enjoyed the days leading up to Christmas, they set up a fresh Christmas tree, baked cookies and enjoyed all the girl talk. The lunch party was fun, and Lexi seemed to meet some nice people, but no one she was gushing over. She thanked them for the good try, and she did get a couple of phone numbers, but she was reserving judgement.

Christmas day arrived and everyone was enjoying themselves. Todd and Wendy had brought their kids, Jack showed up with a multitude of gifts, Susan and Lexi outdid themselves with the food. Middle of the afternoon the door bell rang and John went to answer.

"Luka! What are you doing here? I thought you were in Croatia."

"I was, just got back, and I had something I wanted to drop for you. I stopped to see Gillian and she asked me to give you this." Luka held out a package.

"Gillian. How is she doing?" John knew the kind of relationship Luka had with Gillian and it did not bode well on the marriage front if he had seen her.

"Good, good, she's getting married soon actually."

"Wow. Um, where are you off to for dinner?"

"Nowhere really. Joe is with Abby, I guess you heard, things haven't been so great."

"I did hear, but I was kind of hoping...never mind. How would you like to join us for dinner? Susan made an insane amount of food, and I would love a chance to catch up."

'I don't know, John, I don't want to interrupt your family Christmas."

"You aren't, we have been collecting strays it seems. Seriously, we have a group for dinner, and it would be really great if you joined us. It has been years, literally. You can meet the kids."

"I won't be imposing?" Luka felt a little hopeful, Christmas was a bit lonely this year, he had let Abby take Joe as he'd had him in Croatia for so long, but things were still rocky, and he didn't have anyone else in town. He was only here because Abby wanted him to bring Joe.

Susan heard the voices and came to the door. "Luka Kovac. What in the world are you doing in Chicago? Come in!"

"I told him he should stay for dinner."

"Yes, he absolutely should. Get in here and take off your coat." Susan held out her hand, and Luka shrugged out of the heavy overcoat. John took it and hung it up, and they all went back into the main room, making introductions.

Susan could see Lexi perk up right away, and she followed Susan as she went check on dinner.

"Wow, wow, how do you guys know him. He's very attractive."

"He was a doctor at County, he and John became friends, against all odds I might add. They were in Africa together, became friends. He was dropping something off for John from someone they both knew from Kinsangani. A nurse from Montreal. Anyway, Luka's separated from his wife. It is a long story, I am not getting into it right now."

"All right, but...yum."

"Down girl, he's married."

"Is he? Hmm, you said separated. So...which is it?"

"Not sure, really. Turkey's done, we should all sit for dinner."


	22. Brand New Day

Luka watched the group interact as the evening went on, it seemed like Carter and Lewis were really happy together, and he felt a bit envious. He had lost his wife Danijela and two kids years ago, and seeing the couple with their kids reminded him of how it used to be. The love that carried him and his wife through so much, it was evident Susan and John had found some true happiness. Something that was still eluding Luka.

Sure he loved Joe, a lot, and he had loved Abby a long time, but he was feeling like she didn't really love him. Now they were separated and as much as he enjoyed being taken into the fold on the holidays, it was a bit painful too. On the other hand, he was grateful to see John happy, he owed the man his life, and that was no exaggeration. The guy had risked life and limb to haul his ass out of Africa, and even going to Africa had cost Carter his relationship with Abby.

That John had come to get his once rival showed Luka a side of Carter he never knew existed and against all odds the two of them had become friends. Africa had a way of changing people, changing things, and Abby never once understood that, Luka knew she still carried a load of resentment at Carter for 'abandoning' her.

It was late, Jack had left quite a long time ago, as had Todd and Wendy with their kids. It was just the four of them now, and he could see Susan was fading, the long day and the constant need of the babies were taking their toll. Not that John didn't help, and everyone in the room seemed to take a turn doting on the 3 infants, but still, she was exhausted.

"I should head back to my hotel. Can I borrow your phone to call a cab?" Luka stretched, standing.

"I'd offer a bed, but our rooms are full, but I would be happy to drive you, a cab might take a while tonight." Carter glanced over at his friend.

"Really? You don't mind?"

"Not at all. Lexi is here to help Susan if she needs it and it won't take long, where are you staying?"

Soon they were both in the car, heading back to Luka's hotel.

"Thank you." Luka was tired, but also dreading being alone. It was hard to leave.

Carter smiled. "It was great you could stay, it has been forever since we saw you." He glanced over and noted the melancholy on Luka's face.

They rode in silence for a few minutes before John finally decided to say something.

"How are you really?"

Luka started at the question, then gave a humorless laugh.

"That obvious is it?"

"Only to me. Remember, I know you, Luka. Probably better than most people."

Luka nodded. "I guess that's true. I owe you my life, John, and I will never forget. People don't get it, they think its hyperbole when I say I owe you, Abby never really understood what you did for me. I've told her, but she wasn't there, she can't possibly understand the risks you took hauling my ass out of Africa like you did. Why did you?"

John shrugged. "You know, Debbie asked me why I was there, and I couldn't really answer her. Maybe…because you gave me back my life in some way, I recognized that the trip had changed everything and I just knew it was what I had to do. Maybe it was just an excuse to avoid the inevitable fallout that was going on here at home? Whatever the reason, I never regretted it Luka."

"I know, it's just…we didn't exactly get along did we? Even the fact that you finally decided to do the trip shocked the hell out of me, but I am glad you did, because we really became friends. Didn't we?"

"Absolutely. Maybe we both realized how silly our differences were when faced with reality of life in the Congo. It gives you a perspective on the world, on life, on death, on…everything, and of course most people don't get it. You can't unless you experience it for yourself. I wish I had come home sooner from Darfur, but…overall? It was worth it, the whole experience was so worth it."

Luka nodded. "I wish I had gone back. You know things are rough with me and Abby. Have you seen her?"

"I did, briefly, when she was here doing her interviews. Ran into her in the lounge at County, but other than that? No. I have to be honest, after we broke up, it's never been the same, we were civil of course, but never friends like we once were."

"Hm. I get that, she can be prickly. Did she say anything? About her…and me?"

"Not much, she just said things weren't going well, and…she tried to get me to give her some advice."

Luka was curious. "What did you say?"

"That it would be inappropriate for me to get involved. I don't ever want to get between you and Abby. I really hoped when I heard you had gotten back together that you would end up being better for her than I ever was, that you would make her happy. I didn't think you would appreciate me saying anything."

"What if I asked you for advice? You know her, John. I think you always knew her far better than I ever will."

The pulled up in front of the hotel, and Carter sighed and looked at his watch.

"Do you really want my advice? Seriously?"

Luka's tone was serious. "Yeah, I really do."

"The hotel bar should still be open, how about I buy you a drink before I head home."

"That would be…nice."

Once settled in the bar, each with a drink in front of them, Luka prodded.

"So how much do you know about what went on with us?"

"A bit, the rumor mill at County is still the same, so I heard…about the drinking…and the cheating. Sorry, I didn't really want to know about it, but someone still told me. What are your issues are currently? I have no idea."

"It's okay, not like the falling off the wagon thing was any big secret, though I didn't know that everyone knew about the cheating. She stopped drinking and as far as I know…she hasn't been with anyone else and she says it was only the one time because she got too drunk and she only remembers waking up in bed with the guy. Funny how I used to get so irate with you about the drinking comments, and now I have to eat my own words, and recognize how big a problem she has with alcohol. I'm not perfect, I have gone out and gotten drunk to drown my sorrows but I didn't cheat, or blackout or worse, treat patients drunk. How did she do that?"

Carter just nodded slightly, but said nothing, knowing this was a rhetorical question and Luka had more to say.

"The thing is, she can't seem to talk to me. We were doing okay for a while, then she clammed up. It worries me John, I feel like she's hiding things from me, that…she settled when she married me. It took a long time for her to say yes, and in hindsight, maybe I put on too much pressure. I wanted it more than she did, that she only did it because of Joe."

Luka dragged his gaze up from his drink and looked at John.

"The clamming up…that is Abby. She has issues dealing with things, no question about it. She did the same thing to me. When things went wrong, she tended to push me away and try to deal with everything on her own. Underneath she is a good person, but…I am sure you have noticed, she has a true complex."

Luka remained silent, then finally had to ask, not quite understanding where Carter was going with this. "Okay, so what is her complex?"

"It's complicated, but her family dynamics in it are huge, simply put, she can't see why anyone could love her."

Luka frowned. "Really?"

"Yes, really. She has a hard time accepting help, and she has a very hard time accepting love, the two go hand in hand for her. She had a phrase she used a lot…'don't try to fix me, I'm not broken'. Ever heard her say it?"

"Yes."

"I'm not sure, it might have come from Maggie originally, or Maggie parrots Abby, but…she is in constant denial and showing any concern about her drinking made her feel like you were trying to fix her. Ironic, because she could give me shit about being an addict, and she even made a comment the one time…that it was just a beer, not like she was shooting up or anything. She seems to view drug addiction as far more serious than being an alcoholic. Damn sure if I had been using drugs, I would never heard the end of it, but it was okay in her mind for her to drink beer. The problem is, alcohol can be considered equal to drugs, it's mind altering and changes behavior, but you already know that. Anyways, anytime I ever tried to help her, in her mind I was trying to fix her, it was a sign she was never good enough and I wanted to change her. It took me a while to see it, but at some point I finally knew, I could never win with her, if I showed to much concern I was over protective or trying to fix her, make her 'good enough'. If I didn't show concern I was the asshole who didn't care enough."

"Is that why you and Abby broke up? What really happened between you two?"

"Sounds like our issues were similar to what you are facing. I felt like she didn't love me, that I wanted to be with her more than she wanted to be with me. She was angry when I came back from Africa the first time, basically she didn't want to talk to me and I knew when I walked away and got on the plane that we were over. The letter I sent was a formality really, I don't know that she even gave a damn that I didn't come home, I never heard a word from her after that, so I figured I was right, she was probably relieved she didn't have to deal with it anymore."

They both sat in silence while Luka mulled this over in his mind. It floored him that what John was saying about his break up with Abby was so similar to how he was feeling at the moment. That he had forced her into the marriage, he wanted to be with her, but she didn't really want him.

"What about the drinking, did it play a part in the break up too?"

"Sure it did, things had been deteriorating for a while, and I felt the drinking was self destructive. Abby may always struggle with alcohol, in fact she probably will, and if you want to be with her, you have to accept that she may very well fall off the wagon again. That unless she gets herself into some serious long term counseling, she will always have that underlying sense that somehow she's not worthy, no matter how much you try to convince her otherwise. And that she may never fully open up to you, it is not in her nature to easily share her feelings, it takes an incredible amount of guesswork to even scratch the surface of what she is thinking."

"Do you think…she settled when she married me?"

"I have no idea. I have seen her for a total of 15 minutes in the last 5 years. We weren't that close after I came back from Africa, things were falling apart long before I even left. I simply can't deal with the closed off part of her, and I never even knew for sure how she felt about me, let alone anyone else. Getting her to tell you her true feelings is like a root canal, except less fun."

Luka sighed deeply.

"That is what I was afraid of, she has a history of this, right?"

"Definitely. She was like that with Richard too, it started out great and went downhill due to lack of communication. Though Richard cheated, but...I don't know all the details behind it."

"How do you know?"

"Maggie. That woman does not know when to stop talking, I gave her a ride to the bus station one time, and it was…enlightening. Maggie was very open with me, shocking that they are related."

"Ironic, can't shut her mom up, can't get Abby to say boo. I've spent some time with Maggie over the years too, I know what you are saying. So, no matter if I love Abby for who she is, I will never know if she truly loves me back, or if I was her fallback because she got pregnant."

"If I had to guess, I would say she does love you, in her own Abby way. She is very shut down compared to most women, and you either accept it, or you move on."

"You moved on."

John nodded. "Yes, I did. She was not the right woman for me, no matter how much I cared about her at the time. We were…and still are…too different to ever make it work. She's got a lot of great qualities, but we could never have made it long term…hell we barely made it a year."

"You seem really happy with Susan though."

"I am, I'm happier than I have ever been in my entire life. We…communicate, Luka. If she is upset about something, she just comes out and tells me. She isn't scared to show her feelings, and she shares them, on a daily basis. I don't have to guess what she's thinking, I don't have to wonder if she loves me. We have much in common, and I know her, we have…a deep friendship, respect, and love, and I finally feel like I am with the right person. It's just...so easy to be with Susan, I can see being with her for the rest of my life...at least I hope so."

"Thanks John. For being so honest. I know this is probably really weird for you, talking to me of all people about your relationship with Abby."

"Maybe a little, but…it's been years since I dated her, we broke up forever ago, it's all water under the bridge now. You are both friends and I want to see you both happy. I know you have not had things easy Luka, and I am sure you get it when I say life is too short. The only real advice I can give you is…be true to yourself. If Abby makes you happy and you make her happy, then that is great. If it's not the case, then maybe it was never right to begin with. I have had to face it in past relationship, including with Abby, and it is painful at first, but…once you move on sometimes the right person comes into your life, if you make room for them."

"I hear you, and I know that from you it is not just bullshit. You've had some difficult things in your life too, and I know you really loved Kem."

"Yeah, I really did. But, case in point, maybe it was never truly right. It happened fast, it was love at first sight with her, and then she was pregnant, and it snowballed from there. I don't know what would have happened if Joshua had lived, but…maybe I loved her more than she loved me, and in the end I knew that I had to let her go and get over it, that we were not happy together. It was the right decision, I have never regretted it, now I have everything I could have ever dreamed of, with a beautiful, amazing woman."

"The writing is on the wall, it has been for a while. I guess maybe I love Abby more than she ever loved me too, she sure has not seemed happy. You know she showed up in Croatia a few weeks ago? And it seemed like she was trying, but…then it just all went downhill, and she clammed up again. It seems like one step forward and at least 5 steps back with her. I am going to give her freedom, let her go, nothing is going to change, we've had years to make this work and it just isn't. I want…what you have. A woman who isn't afraid to say I love you, one who can talk to me. I had that once, and I know I want it again."

"I'm sorry Luka, I really am."

"I know John, out of everyone, I know you get it. I love her, but it's not enough. It's never been enough and it's never going to be enough for her. Time to accept it and move on, find that elusive woman of my dreams." Luka swigged back the last of his drink.

"I should get home, time for bed, it has been a busy day. Hey, if you are at loose ends tomorrow, come join us for dinner, unless you have other plans of course."

"Thanks, I might just do that. My big plans consist of going and sitting in the bar to drown my sorrows, Abby still has Joe for a couple more days."

"Give me a call, you have the number." John threw some cash onto the table, then slid his coat on.

A couple mornings later, Susan woke up early to the crying of the twins, John groaned beside her, then sat up.

"I'll get them." He slid out of bed and padded over to the bassinet, picking up Ben who was squawking the loudest and handing him over to Susan. She settled him against her breast as John scooped up Maya and took her over to the change table set up conveniently in their room. He freshened her up, then they switched, John burping Ben, changing him then giving him cuddles while Maya ate. They did the switch a couple times, until both babies were drifting off to sleep, just in time for Ava to start crying.

John retrieved her, changing her while Susan warmed up a bottle, meeting up again in the master bedroom.

"We have this down to a science." She handed the bottle to John who had Ava in his arms, holding the bottle for her, stroking her cheek as she ate.

"We sure do. Hope they didn't wake up Lexi."

"Maybe, but she'll go back to sleep. She was quite taken with Luka yesterday. Kept asking me questions about him."

"I noticed. They were still talking last night when I came up to bed." John adjusted Ava a bit.

"Kind of weird seeing Luka with someone other than Abby."

"Not really, he did have a number of other girlfriends…Nicole, Gillian, Sam for starters. Between you and me, I think he has been playing the field a bit, they are separated. The package he gave me was from Gillian."

Susan laughed. "Right, the nurse from Montreal. The one who invited 'whoever' to sleep with her."

"That's the one."

"Now that I think of it, he did have sex with the mother of a patient in that supply closet a few years back. Totally unprofessional."

"Uh huh. Well, I don't think either of us should be judging Luka, not like we haven't had our share of sex at work. Remember, your office, on the desk…more than once too."

"Okay, you're right, but that was us, we are a couple and it might not be the best policy to have sex on my desk, but…it wasn't a patient. In the closet."

"So then tell Lexi not to date him if you are worried. He's a good guy though, I mean, Doug was a bit of a slut and you never condemned him for it."

Susan had to give him that one. "Okay, fine, and Doug was not a bit of a slut, he was a major whore at times. I am surprised Carol ever forgave him, but she loved him, and he was a good guy, no argument there. In fact, I am surprised you forgave him."

"For what? Oh never mind, it was County, everyone knew everything, I get it." Carter instantly knew they were talking about Harper. "I guess Abby did decide to relocate back to Chicago, she's back at County. I'm not surprised she's back, she said she was thinking about it."

Susan frowned. "You didn't tell me you'd seen Abby. When did you talk to Abby?"

"I ran into her in the lounge, the day she took you to the ER. I went in to check on the kids, and she was talking to Chuney. We talked for a couple minutes, and then I came up to see you. Sorry, my mind was on more important things than Abby that day. Though, she did try and ask me for relationship advice, which is kind of like…insane? Like I am a good person to ask, and like it wasn't incredibly awkward for her to ask me about Luka."

"What did you say?"

"Leave me out of it, I'm not your girlfriend."

Susan giggled. "Yeah, definitely not her girlfriend. Weird that she would ask you."

"Well, yes and no, I mean, she doesn't seem to have a lot of friends that are girls, so advice wise…Sam? Which would be kind of strange since Sam dated Luka. And then you, but you were otherwise engaged, and by then she knew you and I were together so again, kind of weird right? I think she was close to Neela too for quite a while, but not sure if they keep in touch, Neela never mentioned Abby at all when I came back from Africa, then she moved away. Abby and I were good friends, but then there was the whole thing with her and Luka, then she and I dated, then she went back to Luka after dating that Jake guy, which was a bit shady since he was a student and she was a resident. Very…convoluted."

"Yeah, well like we can judge, we both slept with Attending Physicians while residents."

"Touché. You're right, we did, we were very naughty residents weren't we? And we both got caught, everyone knew about you and Div, and at least a few people knew about me and Keaton."

"How about her mom?"

"Ah, no, I don't think she asks her mom for advice, you never know if Maggie is on or off her meds, and she's a nice lady, but a little…messed up. Not who I would go to for relationship advice, Maggie just wants Abby to be with someone so badly she would tell her anything to achieve that goal. Ironic really, but Maggie does not know when to shut up."

"Hmm, well I did give her a bit of advice that day, but I don't think she would come to me in a hurry, she was bitching a bit about the Africa thing and I kind of told her off."

"The Africa thing?"

"How you left. She started going on about it…she told me you felt guilty because you messed up and that is why you…paid her tuition for her. Which I thought was pretty damn nice since you didn't owe her anything. She was…a little back and forth about how she felt, one minute saying she messed it up and the next saying you did. What was really interesting is that she finally said she was never good enough for you anyway." Susan stopped abruptly. "Crap, I should not have said that part."

"Hm, interesting chat you girls had, that she said so much is quite unlike her. But don't worry about the 'not good enough' thing, I knew that part anyway. It came up…more than once during our last couple months of fighting, so, you didn't blow any major confidence or anything. The back and forth, well, we both messed up at various times in the relationship, takes two and the tuition thing had nothing to do with guilt."

"You knew she felt that way? And you didn't correct her impression? And you wonder why it didn't work?"

"Seriously, since you weren't there for our…discussions, if that is what you want to call them, don't judge. You think I didn't tell her? This is Abby, her mind does not work like yours. I know you don't get it because…you're Susan, and when I tell you something you tend to believe me. The girl has a complex, nothing I could ever do was enough to get through to her that someone could care about her. Hell I don't think any guy has a chance of getting through to her, she fucked everything up with Luka too. He forgave her for cheating and she still fucked it up. He's done with her, he loved her but he can't take it anymore either."

"She and Luka are totally done?"

"He seems to think so. You know we went for a drink the other night at the hotel, and we talked. I don't want to get into it all, because it was a private conversation between him and me, but…yeah, they are done."

"What about the tuition thing, why did you pay it, and how much did you pay for her?"

"I paid it because she was going to get kicked out for the second time because of Richard the asshole ex-husband. And I thought she would be a good doctor if someone cut her a break. Remember that stupid seminar when she made the big deal about how she thought nursing was so noble and why were all of us doctors so arrogant, how she decided to not finish school. That was a big fat lie. Her ex spent her tuition money and she got kicked out because she couldn't pay. It was part of the divorce agreement, but he still slithered out of it somehow. Then he went bankrupt the second time she tried, and she was a year away from graduating, not even, so I heard her tell Sam that Richard screwed her over again. I had the money and I paid it, because she was a friend."

"She's never going to be able to pay you back."

"I don't care. I told her she didn't have to, I gave her the money. She is the one who kept saying she wanted to pay it back. I knew she might never have the resources, and literally it was less than a day's interest on the investments I had inherited. I make more in interest every day than most people make their entire lives. Kind of like pocket change to me, but an impossible amount to her. Anyway it came out of the Foundation funds, kind of like Carol's clinic, it was an investment in the future of health care."

"How much?""

"$30,000."

"No way. You gave her $30,000 and she still acts like you are the biggest asshole on the planet? Are you serious?"

"She thinks that? Really? She seemed pretty friendly when I saw her. Whatever, she can hate me if she wants or pretend I'm the bad guy, I don't care. What pisses me off is that she almost blew it with her damn drinking. She just cannot get it through her head that she can't play around with it. Just like I don't play around with drugs, I don't smoke anymore, I hardly drink. As far as I know, most people don't know about the tuition, so keep it to yourself, please?"

"I will. So, the seminar, did you know she was lying that day…like while she was spouting off her big story, did you know?"

"Yes I knew she was lying, I was her Resident supervisor when she was a med student you know. She was the one who ratted me out to Mark, and then I ran into her at a meeting and she told me why she wasn't in med school anymore. We were friends for a good year before you came back to County, and she was dating Luka and I was dating…other people."

"Wow, she lied and you knew it, yet she was pretty bitchy to you that day. And you didn't say anything."

"No, I didn't think it was my place to call her out on it. She has her own reality at times, one that doesn't seem to have a lot to do with the real world. Whatever, it's so long ago it doesn't even matter baby. I love what we have now, you, me and the kids."

Susan leaned in and kissed him. "Me too John. We should just enjoy what we have. And on that note, I am going to enjoy a nice hot shower, and I will make some breakfast. Interested?

"In the shower or the food?"

Susan smiled. "Well, both. I know we can't have sex, too soon after the babies, but you can still come shower with me." She took Ava and put her in the playpen they kept in the bedroom, she rolled over and closed her eyes, sucking her thumb, and Susan held out her hand.

John reached out and let her lead him into the bathroom, both shucking off clothes and stepping under the hot water. He kept his hands to himself, it was tempting, but…she was right, sex was off limits right now. Susan had other ideas, she soaped up his back, then worked her away around to the front, finally reaching down and stroking him.

"Baby, what are you doing? You are going to get me all worked up." He let out a little moan as her hand wrapped around him, moving up and down over his silky skin.

"Just because we can't have sex doesn't mean that _you_ shouldn't get a little enjoyment." She pushed him up against the tiles, kissing his lips, then his wet chest, working her way downwards until she slid to her knees. He let out a long groan as her mouth engulfed him, running his hand into her wet hair, using the other to brace himself against the wall as she worked him.

"Mmmm, Susan." His voice was barely audible, just a whisper, but she heard him, she knew he would not last long, it had been a while, the doctor advised no sex during the last few weeks of her pregnancy. Too long she thought, far too long, still another few weeks before they could resume their normal relations, but she found herself wanting to make sure he had some satisfaction.

She could hear the soft moans, his heavy breathing, feel the tightening, then his release as she continued her ministrations until he was done. His breathing started to return to normal, she slid back up his body and kissed him deeply.

"Wow, what brought that on? Not complaining at all, but…just wow." He was still leaning against the tiles, letting the water run over him.

"I just…thought you deserved a little thank you…Merry Christmas." Susan finished rinsing off her body and stepped out of the shower, wrapping herself in the over-sized towel. "Going to stay in there all day?"

"Uh, no, I'm done, just needed a minute to recover." He wrapped up in his own towel. "That was one of the best presents…ever."

"Glad you liked it." She strolled out of the bathroom with a little grin on her face, well, he sure seemed appreciative of her little gift.

She slid on some clothes, then padded down to the kitchen, starting the coffee. She looked up as John came into the kitchen with Ava. He flicked on the baby monitor so they could hear once the twins woke up, then leaned in for a kiss.

"I'll give her a bit of fruit." John mushed up some banana and gave Ava a few spoonfuls, then put her down on the floor on a blanket with her toys.

Next to arrive was Lexi, she looked a bit tired, but was showered and dressed. She had a slight smile on her face as well.

"Coffee?" John was pulling mugs out of the cabinet as the coffee maker had beeped its finished signal.

"Definitely. Did you both sleep well?"

"Like a log, though we were up a couple times. What time did Luka leave?" Susan accepted a mug from John, passing it over to Lexi.

Lexi got a little guilty smile on her face. "He didn't."

Susan's head popped up and she could see John stop mid pour on the cup of coffee.

"He's still here? Lexi, you slept with Luka?" Susan whispered. "Are you crazy?"

Lexi shrugged. "Sorry, I should have asked if he could stay, but you were already in bed, and I didn't want to wake you up."

Susan watched as John resumed filling his cup, then turned with a totally non-committal expression on his face.

"It's fine, we know Luka pretty well, we are not concerned about him being here Lexi." John commented, sipping his coffee.

Susan lifted and eyebrow at him and he just shrugged lightly.

"You're not mad? It got kind of late and…you know."

John held up a hand. "I get the picture, I don't actually want any details. You are both grown-ups, not our business."

Lexi gave Susan a sideways glance then poured some cream into her coffee. She and Luka had gotten a bit carried away kissing on the couch, and before she knew it she had led him up to the guest room. Clothing had been discarded and…one thing led to another. She had kind of hoped to sneak him out of the house before John and Susan woke up, but they had both overslept and the babies were always up early. She felt a little awkward, she'd had sex with their friend, in their guest room.

"It is your house though, and you and Luka seem to be friends."

"We are friends, and we have both known him for years, we worked with him at County for a long time, and I worked with him in Africa the first time I went. He's a good guy, he was at our house by our invitation to start with and it's not a deal. Not like you are picking up guys in a bar and bringing them to our house or something. That I would have a problem with but Luka? Whatever."

"What about his wife, you know her too."

John shrugged. "Yes, we both know Abby, but who Luka sleeps with is not our business. We are not going to report you to his wife and I am sure he explained his situation, so…knock yourself out."

"Wow, so calm about it. You think it's okay, getting involved with him?"

John glanced at Susan, both women were looking at him, waiting for an answer. "Up to you Lexi, I am not going to interfere in Luka's…personal business. All I can say is he is a good person, but make your own decision. If you like him, then what's the issue?"

Not too long after Luka appeared in the kitchen, giving his own sheepish glances at John and Susan, but he did give Lexi a good morning kiss.

"Good morning, Luka, can I get you some coffee?" John's voice was even and he didn't even blink when the Croatian doctor appeared.

"Morning…I um, hope you don't mind that I stayed over."

"Not at all. I was just going to start breakfast. Hungry?" Susan was pulling pans out and digging in the fridge.

"That would be great. Yes please on coffee and breakfast." Luka smiled hesitantly, but noted that nobody seemed in the least bit bothered he was still there. They just went about the morning, eating, doing dishes and managing the kids. Luka felt at ease, and he wanted what John had even more...he could almost taste it he wanted it so badly.

The love and affection and respect between his two friends was obvious, the small touches, the glances, the way they interacted with each other and their children. To have a nice home, a loving woman in his life, in the relatively peaceful city would be a dream come true for him. He really did love Abby, but knew at the end of the day he was just denying the truth, that Abby had settled for him, because of Joe.

John helping Susan with the twins while Lexi and Luka played with Ava, then John glanced at his watch.

"I have to meet my dad at the Center for a tour, anyone else interested in seeing it?"

Both Lexi and Luka decided to join him, so Susan was left in the peace and quiet. John had helped get the babies down for naps, and Cosmo was with Chuck, so Susan went and lay down for a sleep, luxuriating in the silence. Christmas had been wonderful, but it was nice to have some quiet time, and a little extra sleep.


	23. Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Susan closed the back of the SUV after John stowed Lexi's bag, then gave him a kiss.

"You'll be okay for a while? Lexi and I were stopping for lunch before I take her to the train, remember?"

"Yes, sweetie, I can manage. I know the bottles are ready for the twins, and I manage Ava all the time. Take your time, enjoy having a break, you have been with the kids non-stop ever since they were born. No rush." John kissed her again, then patted her butt. "Go."

"John, thanks for everything." Lexi came up and they exchanged a warm embrace. "You take care of my girl, and those babies."

"I will Lexi, I promise. You are welcome anytime, it was great seeing you."

He waved as the two women drove off.

Lexi leaned back in the seat and sighed, she was actually going to miss Chicago.

"You are one lucky lady, Susan. I can't get over how damn happy the two of you are together."

"You got kind of lucky yourself." Susan smirked at her. "Luka is a very good looking guy."

"Ha ha. Funny girl." Lexi giggled and shrugged. "I won't argue though, he's a looker. Why don't they have hot doctors like that in Des Moines. You must have been in heaven, working the ER with those two?"

"We've always managed some amazing men at County…maybe not so much now, but when I was there both times, yes, we had some smoking hot doctors. There were a few in Des Moines, but they were upstairs…and married."

"Right. Though Luka is married too, but…he said he is not with his wife, and John concurs, so I am guessing it is really true."

"John would not lie to you, he and Luka had a talk that night he drove him back to the hotel. Such a weird thing, Luka talking to John about Abby, freaks me out a bit."

"Why? I mean you know Abby, but…what?" Lexi could see the look on Susan's face. "Come on, there is some big secret, I can tell."

"Not a secret. Luka dated Abby for a while, then they broke up, then John dated Abby, they were fairly serious, then things went wrong and they broke up and he lived in Africa for a few months. He had other relationships, then moved back to Africa to be with Kem. And Abby got back together with Luka and they had a son."

"Oh…so they've both been involved with Abby, yet they are good friends, a little strange I guess."

"Yeah, they used to barely tolerate each other, then they seemed to work things out. They were at the same camp in Africa, a whole lot went down, and they ended up as friends. Luka went missing after John came home, he went back and found him, saved his life."

"Luka said something about owing John his life, but I thought it was just one of those things people say."

"No, he literally would have died, Lexi. John was trying to get back Luka's body, we thought he was dead, but somehow they found out he was alive and tracked him down in this tiny village out in the middle of nowhere. Luka was really sick with Malaria, John got him back to the clinic and then airlifted home. So anyway the thing that is so strange is that Abby was the reason they didn't really get along, John saves Luka, who then marries Abby and has a kid. Like a twist of fate. Then both Abby and Luka are asking John for marriage advice, which is even stranger."

"Okay, yeah that is weird. And then Luka stays over at your house with me, when his marriage with Abby is just over with, and Abby is now an ex to both Luka and John. It's not much different in Des Moines though, people are always having little affairs and such, sometimes being with another doctor is easier, you don't have to explain the hours."

"True enough. Part of why John and I hung out so much when I first came back from Phoenix. We sort of dated, we broke up and he started seeing Abby and I got involved with Chuck. Now he and I are back together. John and I have a long history."

"County must be a bit like living in a Soap Opera, everyone has slept with everyone?"

"Not quite, but it was pretty interesting some days."

"John is pretty cool about me being with Luka. I was a little nervous when I woke up and realized you were both downstairs and I was going to have to tell you about Luka in front of him."

"He's relaxed about all of that stuff, he never judges since he has certainly had his share of...involvement...with various women. Being an ER doctor plus his time in Africa makes him very open, he has basically seen it all."

"Makes sense. Where are we going for lunch?"

Abby walked up the front steps, stopping briefly to admire the house. She gave her head a small shake, it wasn't the mansion, but still, it was a decent sized house in a very nice neighborhood. A family home…John had a family now, it was a strange reality that Carter… _her_ Carter was raising four kids with Lewis.

Things had been rough the past month, she'd tried going to see Luka in Croatia, tried not to make the same mistake she had with John, but…it was not working out. Luka had been less than welcoming, and she’d retreated back into her shell, then run home. About the same time she'd received an offer to come back to County and work in the ER, which she'd accepted quickly.

She'd overheard Sam telling one of the nurses that she'd found out that over the holidays Luka had been hanging out with 'the Carter clan'. Abby thought maybe if she dropped by she would have a chance to speak with Luka, and if not, maybe she would actually have a chance to ask John some questions.

She pressed a finger to the bell, waiting impatiently until the door opened and she was standing face to face with John.

"Abby. What are you doing here?" His face registered surprise.

"Sorry for just dropping by, but…have you seen Luka?"

"Um, not today I haven't, is everything okay?"

"Can we talk?" Abby stared at her feet, barely able to look at Carter.

"Sure. Come on in." John stepped back and motioned for her to come into the house. He helped her with her coat, then led her through to the kitchen. "Can I get you something? Coffee? Tea? Juice?"

"Do you have Coke?"

"Sure. Sit." He opened the fridge as Abby looked around. It was nice, elegant, yet homey, warm and comfortable. She could see the playpen, the one baby sleeping there,and the baby monitor was buzzing slightly.

"Is Susan here?"

"No, she's out at the moment, probably won't be home for a couple hours, did you want to talk to her?"

John grabbed a glass, adding ice and pouring her drink, setting it in front of her.

"No. I like the house, when did you buy it?"

"Just over a year ago. We redid the entire thing, it was kind of a mess, but we liked the layout and the location so we worked with it."

Abby nodded and sipped the cold drink, turning the glass and catching a bead of water that trickled down the side.

"You did a great job then. You bought this after you started seeing Susan?"

"Yes, we both liked the house a lot. So, what's up?"

"Luka asked for a divorce." Abby looked up at John, who was leaning back on the countertop on the other side of the island. "You don't look at all surprised. He told you?"

John looked down for a moment, studying the floor. He did not want to get into this, but he couldn't lie to her either. He knew he was a terrible liar and she knew him well enough that she would know it if he even tried.

"Yeah, I knew." Keep it brief, he thought, she was going to go ballistic if she knew the whole discussion he'd had with Luka, and he was not going to tell her.

"Seriously. Luka told you of all people that he was going to ask me for a divorce. Wow, my ex-boyfriend knew before I did?"

"Abby. You and I were over a long time ago, and Luka is a friend of mine. You know as well as I do that he doesn't have much of anyone here aside from the people he worked with at County. He needed to talk to someone."

"So you offered? That is just great. I thought you were my friend, and you didn't want to give me any advice but Luka, no problem, hey Luka just dump her like I did. She doesn't deserve you, she never did, just like I was never good enough for you."

"Really? We are going there are we? I still don't know how you managed to hear that, why you always believed it, but it's not true. It was never about you being not good enough, or me wanting to fix you, or…any of whatever goes through your mind. No, I didn’t want to get involved, and the last time I saw you I was worried about Susan, and our children, I just couldn’t get in to it. And for you information I did not tell Luka to dump you."

Abby twirled her glass. "Right, too busy for me. You haven't had time for our friendship, too busy for us."

"You haven't exactly made an effort to keep in touch either. And that's okay, I thought it would be easier for everyone if I just stayed out of your life, let you and Luka be, I had hoped you were happy. I'm sorry you're not."

"You're sorry? Like that means anything, Carter."

John sighed deeply. "Look, I am not sure what you want from me, Abby. I have never really known what the hell you want, so that you think I know the answer to that now? I haven't seen you in 5 years, what do you want me to say?"

"Nothing. I would have liked you to take the time to talk to me, give me some advice. As you point out, you know Luka, what does he want?"

"Why don't you ask him? Have you tried talking to him and telling him what you want in life? Ask him what he wants? I'm sure he'd tell you if you cared to actually discuss it with him. What _do_ you want Abby?"

Abby frowned at Carter. "I don't know."

"Then how do you expect Luka to know? That has always been the problem with you, Abby. You think men are fucking mind readers, and should just be able to know what you are thinking, what you want, or what you feel. Guess what. We're not, and unless you start telling people how you feel, then this is what happens. The relationship breaks down. What do you think happened to us?"

"I don't know. You said you would always be there, that you would never leave me, and then you did. You left, just like I always knew you would, and now Luka is doing the same thing. He's leaving me, he's already seeing someone else, did you know that?" Abby's eyes searched his face. "Oh god, you knew that too. You know her?"

Carter nodded slightly. "Yeah, I know her." He didn't want to add that Luka met her in this very house where she was now sitting, that revelation would come at some point he was sure.

"Wow, my exes have their own little club, isn't that nice."

"It's not like that, at all, and you know it." John stopped as he heard one of the twins start to cry over the monitor. "I have to grab him, I'll be back in a couple minutes, make yourself comfortable."

Abby watched as he went up the stairs, she could hear him talk to the baby over the monitor. She gave a small smile, she had to admit from what she had seen and could hear, he was a devoted daddy. She wandered into the living room, peeking into the playpen as the little girl rolled over, her hazel eyes serious as she observed Abby. Ava gave a little hiccupping sob, then started to cry. Abby could hear John still talking to the baby upstairs, so she picked the little girl up, holding her against her chest.

"Hi honey, don't cry." She rocked slightly on her feet as the baby stopped crying. Abby walked around the living room a bit, looking at the framed pictures. Susan and John with the 4 kids, a picture of them in a European city...Paris? And an artsy picture of the two of them when Susan was pregnant.

She was now aware that Ava needed changing, so she headed for the stairs.

"John?"

Abby was reluctant to go upstairs but the little girl was starting to fuss, so she took the chance and went up. She peeked into the first room, which was a boys room.

"Carter." Abby called out.

"In here."

She followed his voice, passing by a very large and well-furnished master suite, and into the twins' room. He looked over as she came in.

"This is cute, John."

"Thanks. She woke up, probably needs to be changed right? Give me a minute, I am almost done here."

"I can do it if you want."

"Um, okay, sure, next room is hers. We don't have her size of diapers in here. I am just going to finish and take these guys down and get them started on bottles."

"Okay." Abby took the little girl into her room and put her on the change table. "Let's get you fixed up."

She took off the sleeper and dropped it in the laundry hamper, then changed the diaper.

"Lets see what you have for clothes." She pulled open the dresser and found a large variety of very cute and girly clothes. "Wow, you are a lucky girl, I don't even have this many clothes."

Soon she had the little girl dressed in a fresh outfit, scooping her up off the change table. She knew Carter was occupied downstairs, and could not help herself, she checked out the last room, which was a guest room, then on her way back down the hall, she stepped into the master. It was perfect and tidy, the king size bed made, not a single things appeared out of place. She noted everything seemed so luxurious. She tiptoed across and checked out the bathroom which was massive, with a Jacuzzi tub, a large glass tiled shower, and double sinks.

"Wow." She felt a little guilty snooping, but she felt compelled to go across and open the door to the closet, which was a good size, organized and full of beautiful clothes. "Figures."

She rolled her eyes, thinking about Susan's comment about being taken care of, taking in the row of shoes, the variety of suits and dresses and handbags stored on the 'hers' side. She ran her fingers down the expensive fabric of one of John's suits, now standing all the way in the closet.  She stepped back out, closing the door, glancing around, then sliding open the drawer of the closest dresser.

John's stuff, she could see that right away.  She closed the drawer, then tiptoed over to the other dresser, peeking into the drawer.  She lifted the silky sexy nightie, then put it back with a shake of her head.  Bet Carter loves that one.  She moved to the next drawer down, finding it full of neatly organized very skimpy lacy and silky panties, with matching bras lined up.  She picked up one of the bras, noting it was La Perla.  Damn of course Susan would be buying that kind of stuff.

"What are you doing?"

Abby almost hit the roof as Carter's voice came from right behind her. She could feel the flush of embarrassment run up her neck, and she knew her cheeks were flaming as she turned.

"Sorry." She mumbled.

Carter held out his hands for Ava, who was reaching for her daddy now, then he pushed the drawer shut, as Abby headed for the hallway and down the stairs. Carter was not far behind her, when he reached the kitchen, he grabbed a bottle out of the warmer for Ava. She clutched with her chubby little hands as he set her into a bouncy seat and fastened her in while she sucked on her bottle.

The twins were both on blankets on the floor, he picked up Ben and snuggled him into the crook of his arm, offering him his bottle, keeping an eye on Maya who seemed content for the moment.

Abby sat on the edge of the couch across from him.

"I'm sorry, I know I should not have been in there, that was…really embarrassing." She dared look over at him, as he looked up from his son.

"No kidding, good thing it was me that found you, not Susan, she would not be happy to find you digging through her underwear drawer.  What in the hell were you thinking Abby, snooping in our bedroom like that, going through my wife's underwear?  I do not get it."

"I just saw it was nice and wanted to see the room, and then...I don't know what possessed me, god I am so sorry, please don't tell her I was in there."

"Forget about it okay?  Just don't ever do it again, your luck might run out and Susan would not be impressed." He glanced down to see what Maya was up to on the floor, then back down at Ben.

"I can't believe that I didn't ask about them…the twins, they're really cute. What did you name them?"

"Ben and Maya. They were born December 5th."

"Almost a month old already, the delivery went well obviously."

"It did, we were snowed in, but it was fairly straightforward, we got lucky that way, Susan managed 35 weeks. I got to deliver them, Ben was breech but I got him out without too much trouble."

"You didn't get to the hospital?"

"Nope, didn't make it out the door, they couldn't even get an ambulance here in time, in fact we just drove in later so they could do another checkup on the twins, Susan didn't even check in to hospital, they were already several hours old before the roads were clear enough to go in."

Abby laughed. "Wow, that is a story for them when they grow up, daddy delivered them during a blizzard?"

"I suppose it will be." He sat Ben up and leaned him, rubbing his back until he let out a burp, then settled him back for a bit more to eat.

Once he was done, he went to put him down and pick up Maya for her turn, but Abby held out her hands.

"Can I hold him?"

"Sure." Carter handed the little boy over, then freed Ava from the chair, letting her loose on the floor. She crawled over to the toy bucket and started pull things out, tossing them on the floor while Carter got settled with Maya.

"You look like a natural, I can't believe you adopted and then had twins, how do you manage with three babies so young?" Abby settled Ben against her shoulder, inhaling the baby smell deeply, rubbing the little boys back. The thought flitted through her head unbidden…this could have been her, just _being_ like this with John, if she'd had the courage to tell him. If she had not let him leave, if she had welcomed him back instead of turning him away. She might be sitting watching him feed _their_ child.

"It's not so bad, Susan is usually here to feed the twins, today is a balancing act as the nanny has gone to see her family over Christmas. I kind of like it, actually, we intended just to have one, but sometimes life just throws you a curve ball."

"Why did you adopt though, if you knew you were having twins?" Abby observed him through her half lowered lid thinking he was making a huge understatement, she could tell he _loved_ being surrounded by these babies.

"We didn't know we were having twins at the time, we had a chance to adopt Ava, and committed to taking her, then we found out Susan was pregnant afterwards. Not that we would change it, we are both happy we took Ava. We didn't know we were having twins at that point either, so we thought we were having two babies, but it ended up being three. Meant to be I guess." He now had Maya on his shoulder, rubbing her back, hearing the small rumble, before putting her back into the crook of his arm and offering her the bottle again. She could see his eyes track over the Ava who was contentedly playing a couple feet away.

Abby turned Ben, laying him on her knees, looking as the serious dark eyes stared up at her.

"I bet you are going to look just like your daddy when you grow up. They're beautiful John, they really are, all three of them. You are very lucky."

"Thanks, I know I am. How are things with Joe? Luka showed us a picture, he kind of looks like his daddy too." John was wondering what she was really thinking, but he didn't really want to ask. Not that she would tell him anyway, communication was not her strong suite.

"Good, he grew a lot while he was in Croatia. I hope Luka doesn't take him back there, but we are going to share custody, hopefully Luka finds a job here in Chicago. He was Chief for a while at County after Susan and Kerry left, but he was away a lot. It was really hard, having him gone when Joe was so small, I…didn't handle it well obviously, that is when I started drinking again. I was hiding it from everyone…though you probably would have seen it, you know me far better than anyone else. You know me better than Luka does, or Sam or anyone at County." She put Ben back up on her shoulder as he started to fuss slightly. "I went out one night and met everyone at the bar, I had been drinking already and I am shocked no one realized how drunk I was, but they all had to go, leaving just me and this guy Moretti. I blacked out, woke up in bed with him. I didn't mean to do it, it just happened."

Carter was focusing on Maya, not sure why she was telling him all of this.

"It made me realize I needed help and I checked into rehab, and once I got back I told everyone I was an alcoholic and had been away recovering. I've been sober ever since, but…now when Luka goes away to see his family he doesn't trust me to leave Joe. I know he's worried that I'll relapse."

"Are you? Worried that you'll relapse?"

"Yes. I worry about it all the time. I dodged the bipolar disease, but I'll always be an alcoholic. John, have you ever used again?"

"I have never become addicted again, though I had to use pain medication again at one point. It was okay though, I knew my limits, so I have never 'used' in the out of control sense, though of course you know I have gotten drunk a few times, but drinking was never an issue for me. It was never a compulsion to drink. I feel very in control of it, and I have never gone down that path again. And I won't, I can't do that to my family." He didn't mention his other reasons, he didn't think she knew about the transplant and he was not going to tell her either. He also had the benefit of private counseling, his doctor had been very aware of his previous addiction and during recovery the transplant team had helped keep him on track.

"Ah, right, disgrace the Carter name again right?"

"That's not what I meant. I mean I wouldn't do that to my children or to Susan. Or to myself for that matter."

"I guess you are the better person, I ended up doing it to Luka and Joe. But I understand what you are saying. I'm scared John, I feel like with Luka wanting a divorce and him taking main responsibility for Joe I have little left. Mom and Eric are doing okay and I realize that I have to let them live their own lives, that I can't be running after them and trying to fix what is wrong with them. I spent most of my life running after them and it cost me dearly."

"You'll make it through Abby, you will, and no matter what, Joe still needs you to be his mother. You are stronger than you think, don't give in. Are you going to your meetings? Have you thought about going to private therapy? Do you think you have been able to address the root causes of your alcoholism?"

Abby frowned. "Yeah I am back into meetings, I wish there was another option, it's depressing to think I will have to go for the rest of my life."

"I did some private counseling and it helped with a lot of things for me. You should look into it, I can give you the name of someone great if you ever want to try it and at least some will be covered through work."

"Still trying to fix me."

Carter sighed deeply. "No, I wish you would quit with that. I've said it before and I am going to say it again. I couldn't watch your self-destructive behavior Abby. When you care about someone, you try to help them, it's in my very nature to help, why do you think I became a doctor? I am pretty sure if I started popping pills or shooting Fentanyl again someone would be sending me back to rehab, so why is it different when I remind you that even one drink can lead you back into alcoholism. I get that you have to want to get help and that the person with the issue has to want to get better, but…you had been sober for so long and worked so hard to get there. Why was it always so impossible for you to understand that for us to work we both needed to want to beat our respective problems? I really wanted us to work, but…it just couldn't, not with you drinking, not with you refusing to talk to me."

Abby was silent, her dark eyes rose to meet his.

"You know that day I got drunk? You were all concerned, wanting me to go to a meeting, and it was a one time thing. I wasn't using or drinking regularly and I knew right afterwards it was stupid and I could not do it again. Yet, when I showed concern for your drinking, it was some big deal to you, you didn't want me to do anything to help you. Why is that? Why the double standard Abby? Have you ever really recognized the hypocrisy of that?"

"I don't know." She whispered. "I just felt like you could do so much better than me. And you did, you moved on and found someone who doesn't have all the baggage I have. I may never get over it all, as hard as I try, I keep messing things up. Even Susan told me I push good men away for no reason, and she's right. I should never have let you go but my insecurities and anger got in the way. I should have gone after you, never let you get on that plane, told you I loved you, and I don't know why I didn't, or couldn't."

"Simple answer. We were not meant to be, we had far too many issues and by then the damage was done. The first time I went to Africa I was not ready to hear anything you had to say, when I got back you didn't want to hear anything I had to say. We were great as friends, but crossing the line was the worst thing we ever did with our relationship, but it is what it is. We just have to live with the fallout."

"You're telling me to go back to Luka?"

He shrugged, wondering if that was even an option.

"Do what you feel is the best thing for you. Just don't go back to drinking, you are better than that and you know you can beat it if you try. I was serious about the private therapy, maybe if you can get to the root of the problem, you can cut down on your meetings. I don't go at all anymore, but then again that is just me, maybe it is something you will always need to do."

"Susan is kind of perfect isn't she? So damn together, I see why you picked her, none of the baggage."

"Abby, don't do that."

"Don't do what? Recognize your new…whatever she is…girlfriend? That she is baggage free while I have this crazy family?"

"You haven't met Susan's family so…you have no idea what the hell you are even talking about. Her life has not been so perfect or easy, she does not have a storybook life by any stretch. I think what you are not understanding is that the people around you have real lives and real problems too. If Susan has never told you about her family, then I am not going to, but…get out of your own head for a while. You work in an ER, can you not see that everyone has some baggage of some sort?"

"Of course I know that."

"Well, then don't assume. My relationship with Susan is private, and I am not getting into it, aside from saying that I love her and we both accept each other as we are."

"Can I ask you something though? You obviously believe in marriage, and you are wearing a ring. Did you and Susan get married?"

John shook his head. "No, we are not legally married."

"Your dad must love that, you have three kids and not married? Why don't you marry her, why wear a wedding ring if you aren't married? I mean, that has to be from Susan right?"

"Of course it's from Susan, we don't need a piece of paper to commit, and maybe someday we will make it legal." He said this with a tone of finality, not wanting to get into the whole thing with Abby.

Abby heard the door open and Susan's voice calling out as she took off her coat and boots.

"Hey I'm home, I dropped Lexi off at the train and it was kind of cute because guess who met us there. Lu….." Susan stopped abruptly as she arrived in the living room, seeing John in the chair with one baby, and Abby on the couch with another.

"I just came to say hi. So you know her too?" Abby was glaring at Susan. She felt a bit betrayed, she was pretty sure that Susan was going to say that Luka met them at the train. Lexi. So that was the woman's name. "That's her right Carter? Lexi? The woman Luka is seeing?"

Susan was staring wide eyed at John, not sure what was going on.

"Yes, her name is Lexi." He said this in a low and even voice, he could feel Susan's eyes burning into him as he said it.

Abby looked over at Susan. "So you know Luka asked me for a divorce?"

Susan shook her head. "No, I didn't know that, Abby. I'm sorry."

"Sorry, that is all anyone is saying here. So who is this Lexi, how well do you know her?"

Susan sighed. "She's a friend of mine from Des Moines, she was up for Christmas."

"You introduced them? Wow, did not see that one coming." The bitterness in Abby's voice was evident.

Susan gave John a look, and he spoke up in her defense.

"It wasn't like that Abby. Luka just dropped by unexpectedly and we invited him to join us, we had a group over for dinner. They hit it off, we didn't purposely introduce them. Sorry, but we weren't trying to meddle in your relationship, it just happened."

"I should go. Luka is supposed to be dropping Joe off in an hour, I should get home anyways." She stood up handing the baby to Susan, then she picked up her bag and headed towards the door.

John lay Maya down on the blanket and followed, giving Susan's arm a squeeze on the way by.

"Abby."

"What, Carter." She was sniffling slightly.

"You don't have to go."

"Yes, I do. I can't stay here and watch you play happy family with Lewis. I just…can't. Where's my coat?"

"Here." He helped her slip on the coat. "I am sorry Abby, but the thing with Lexi…it isn't the cause of the issues and you know it. And we did not introduce them with the intent of fixing them up."

"I don't want to talk about it. Bye." She was out the door before he could say another word.

Carter pushed the door shut and locked it going back to the living where Susan was waiting for him, sitting on the floor with the babies.

"What happened while I was gone? Leave you alone for a few minutes and all hell breaks loose. Why was Abby here?"

"She just showed up and asked if we could talk. She asked if I knew that Luka was leaving her, and you know what a great liar I am, and then she realized we knew the woman he had started seeing. Then of course you walk in and say he met you guys at the train, well that was just the last piece of the puzzle."

"And the comment about 'I can't stay and watch you play happy family'? John? Tell me what she said to you."

"We just talked a bit about Luka, and her inability to open up and talk. That men aren't mind readers. Other than that it was just...general stuff."

"There's more to it, I can tell."

"She seemed to think that you have the perfect family background, that we're together because you have no baggage."

Susan laughed. "Right, my family was so perfect. Did you tell her that?"

"Not in any detail, if in the time you've known her you haven't told her about Chloe, or Cookie or Henry then I sure the hell won't. I just told her she needs to realize that everyone has issues, she's worried about relapsing, she's upset about Luka, she's just...having a rough time and wanted to talk."

"And that's it?"

"Pretty much. We talked about her, mostly, a bit about the kids. She sees that we're happy and she's not happy, it's hard for her I guess." John sat on the edge of the couch close to her, Ava crawled up and reached for him. He picked her up and sat her on his knee. "She helped a bit, I was mostly taking care of the kids the whole time, the twins just had bottles and Ava had one about an hour ago."

'It went okay then, the babies all seem happy. Lexi is on the train back to Des Moines, I think Luka is going to go down and see her soon. He said he would call you to go for a drink in a few days."

"Sounds good. I hope it works out for them, Lexi seems like a very together and generally happy person.'

"She is, and she really likes Luka...a lot. She has New Years off, we are still going out with Todd and Wendy?"

"Yes, the nanny is back in time, so we have a sitter, we can go out for the evening. Why, did you want to get extra tickets and invite Luka and Lexi to go out with us too?"

"Could we? I know it's short notice but...it would be fun to have the group. Everyone got along so well over the holidays."

"Anything for you. I'll see what Luka says." John leaned down and gave Susan a kiss.


	24. Marry Me

Susan was busy making cookies with Cosmo in the kitchen, wanting to spend some time with her son. She had been feeling a bit bad as the babies were taking up so much of her time. Cosmo was wonderful and patient - he had adjusted to all the changes in their lives quite well, but she was still cognizant that he needed just as much attention as his younger siblings.

It helped that John was such a strong influence in the young boy's life, he always made time to include her son in everything. Not that it surprised her really, but he treated Cosmo as if he was his own child. The fact that he accepted her child so fully into his life was an added bonus to their very strong relationship.

The doorbell peeled shaking her out of her musings, she knew John was upstairs getting the twins and Ava settled for their naps.

"I have to get that. No eating all the dough." She admonished her son with a smile. He gave her a cheeky grin, and she knew he would definitely sneak some the moment her back was turned. It was almost a game to them, and she didn't really mind.

It brought back one of the few fond memories she had as a child, her and Chloe making cookies and sneaking bites of the dough.

She wiped her hands, opening the front door to find a man standing there with a large envelope.

"Delivery for John Carter." The man held out a signature pad, which Susan scribbled on hastily.

"Thanks." Susan took the proffered envelope and pushed the door shut, scanning the front, noting it was a registered package from a law firm.

"John!" She heard Cosmo squealing in the kitchen.

Susan stood watching as John threw the little boy over his shoulder, her heart overflowing at the true love he showed to her son.

"Someone was eating all the cookie dough." John roughhoused with the boy, until Susan had to step in.

"Shh, the babies are sleeping, you two are like zoo animals."

John put the boy down, and stepped over Susan, giving her a kiss.

"Sorry, we will keep it down." He nibbled on the side of her neck, making her laugh as he gave a little playful growl, which made Cosmo giggle too. It felt so wonderfully natural, kind of like a dream world to her, being happy, being in love, and she could see it in his eyes too. The happiness they were bringing each other reflected back at her every day.

"This came for you."

Susan handed him the envelope, he scanned the front and she could see the immediate concern on his face. He sat at the table and ripped it open.

"Go upstairs and wash." She gave Cosmo a little push, wanting to have John alone for a few moments.

"Mommy, the cookies!" The little boy protested.

"We'll finish in a few minutes, okay? I need to talk to John for a minute."

She watched as her son bounded off towards the stairs.

He pulled the papers out of the envelope, then inhaled deeply and flipped open the letter, his face changing as he read the letter. She was not getting any sort of read on what he was thinking, but he flipped open the folder, looking at the documents, and he almost looked like he was going to cry. She immediately moved in close, caressing his hair, and she was engulfed in his arms.

"John, what's wrong?" He seemed to be barely breathing, he was holding her so tight, she almost could not breathe either.

"Nothing is wrong, it's finally right." The words came out quietly, his voice was choked up, his head buried against her neck. He sank back onto the chair, pulling her towards him, resting his head against her. She put an arm around his shoulder, holding him there, her other hand rubbing the back of his neck.

John could feel his heart pounding, he could not believe it was true. Did this mean he finally had a chance? That this fairy tale might actually go on? He had been worried, he had given Susan a ring, but the sad fact was, until this moment, he was tied to someone else, someone he had stopped loving long ago.

He finally looked up at her with an indescribable look, he looked so damn happy, she was confused.

"She signed the papers and her lawyer filed."

"What?" Susan was staring at him now in total confusion, what in the hell was he going on about.

"Kem signed the divorce papers, Susan, and her lawyer filed them. It's done, it's finally done."

She reached over his head and flipped open the folder, picking up a document. It was in French, but the words were pretty similar in English. It was a Divorce Decree from France.

"Kem gave you the divorce?" She could feel the tear dribble down her cheek, he was finally…hers. She straddled his knees, leaning down to meet his lips.

The kiss was hot and passionate, deep and loving all in one. She lost herself totally, her hands grasping his face, coming up for air, resting her forehead against his.

"I love you." She whispered.

"I love you too." He brushed the tears from her cheek. "Wow, I wonder...why she changed her mind?"

"It doesn't matter why John, only that she did, and...you're divorced. I'm so happy, I have you all to myself."

He gave her an amused look. "Well, you already had me all to yourself, but I know what you mean."

"This is amazing. And she didn't want anything else?"

"No, I haven't heard from her, and I had already signed everything at the law office when we went there last spring, almost a year ago. It looks like she signed in the fall and they were just waiting for the courts to process and register it. I haven't spoken to her since we were in Paris."

Susan leaned in and locked lips with him again, losing herself in the kiss.

"Ew, why are you always kissing?" Cosmo was standing in the doorway with a disgusted look on his face. "Kissing is yucky."

John laughed softly. "Just wait until you're a teenager, then I bet..."

Susan shushed him. "John! Don't go there, he's 7 years old."

"Fine, fine. I kiss mommy because I love her."

"Still yucky, girls are yucky and love is yucky." Cosmo went back to the counter and started scooping more cookie dough onto the baking tray.

"Just wait." He gave Susan a wink, then picked up the papers from the table. She went back to helping Cosmo with the cookies, a smile on her face as he disappeared into the office.

John dropped into his chair, pulling out the papers and taking another look, then opening the envelope he saw tucked in among the papers. He recognized the writing on the front right away. Kem. He slowly unfolded the sheet of paper.

_John,_

_I do not know when you are going to receive this letter or if we will have spoken in the meantime. I will forever regret what we have done to each other, how things ended. Please know that I really did want to try again, not blackmail you or hold you captive._

_What I should have realized right away when I saw you in Paris is that you had already moved on. I did not understand that you had found someone that you truly cared about, but I know it now. I guess it was to be expected, you were right, we had not spent any time together in almost two years by that point, and we had agreed to separate and divorce._

_I should have been a better wife, I should have tried harder, I should have been there when you were sick. I take ownership in my part of the breakdown of our relationship. In fact I know it was far more me than you, my inability to get past our tragedy, and I have been selfish, needing you to prove your love for me. Though inadvertently, someone has pointed out to me that you did everything to show your love._

_You tried to introduce me to your world, and when I found that too foreign, you gave it all up, your job, your home and your country to be with me. And I repaid you with betrayal, which I cannot explain, because I did truly love you. Maybe it was that our loss seemed insurmountable and impossible to forget. Maybe you handle loss far better than I do, or maybe we just moved too fast, no matter how right it all seemed. It all came unglued so fast, unraveling before I knew what was happening and I will forever be sorry, because knowing you are never coming back to me breaks my heart. I probably deserve it though, I know I broke yours too, that you tried to give me everything yet we ended up with nothing.  
_

_I will treasure the good times we had together, but I promise to get on with my life and let you get on with yours. I wish you the best, and I hope one day you can forgive me._

_Makemba_

John sat back in his chair, staring at the letter for several minutes before he picked up the phone.

"Hello?" Her voice was soft and unfocused, sleepy, he knew it was the middle of the night.

"Hi." He said quietly.

"John? Is that you?" She seemed more alert all of the sudden.

"Yeah, it is. I got the papers today." He inhaled deeply. "I just wanted to say...thank you."

"No need to thank me John, I should have signed them right away when you were in Paris. I should not have even made you come to Paris, I'm sorry, for everything."

"Me too. But I think we have to agree, it's better this way, Kem. I can only hope that we both can forgive each other for all our mistakes, and find happiness."

"John, are you happy?"

"Honestly? Yes, I am. Nothing about the past few years were easy for you or me, sometimes love is not enough. I have certainly learned that the hard way. But, finally, I think I am where I belong, where I should be."

She laughed ruefully. "That is quite the understatement John. I really am sorry for hurting you and there will always be a part of me that loves you. But we have inflicted too much damage on each other, too much pain, there has been too much sorrow. Can you forgive me? You don't hate me?"

"I forgave you a long time ago, and no I don't hate you, I could never hate you. We didn't put a lot of thought in to any of it, it just felt right, but in the end, I guess it wasn't, we went too fast."

"It did feel right, but I ran away when it got tough, every time it got tough in fact. My mom pointed that out to me, that I didn't really give us a chance to heal together. I lost our son, and I lost myself at the same time, and I guess I need to spend some time finding the person I used to be...or maybe a better version of me. I did things I will always regret. You take good care of yourself, and your family John. Be happy."

"Thank you. Kem?"

"Yes?"

"You are a good person, I understand how it happens, losing your way. I've been there, more than once myself, and had forgiveness for things that I never felt I deserved to be forgiven for. You'll get there, I know you can find happiness too, with the right person, just be patient, and be open to the possibility. I know you'll find it."

"Thank you. Take care John. Good bye."

"Bye." He hung up, feeling like he finally had closure on a rough chapter of his life.

He filed the papers in his office drawer and took a few deep breaths, knowing that he could finally move on, totally and entirely. I was a relief, realizing that he had made the right decisions for once.

He had a long history with women, too many women, and he knew he was accurate that night in the restaurant with Abby. The wrong timing, the wrong place, the wrong person. Abby was the wrong person too, he wondered if he had not walked away from Susan that night, told her how he really felt, would it have worked out? Or did he just have to get Abby out of his system? He had lost two girlfriends over Abby, and in the end she was his total opposite, though he had to admit she had a lot of great qualities as a person, he didn't love her. Did he ever? Or did he mistake their friendship for something else entirely.

Kem, he had loved her, he knew he had, it had been a long time before he got over her, and he would always have a place in his heart for her, but he was not in love with her anymore. She was right, they had inflicted to much damage, it was beyond repair. Her betrayal with Michel while they were married was the end.

He shook of his musings as Susan called from the kitchen, did any of it really matter anymore? He was with someone he loved, he was happy, he had a family, truly all the things he had been looking for, he had learned from the past, it was time for the future.

He had a few things to plan now he knew he was unencumbered by the past, and one was a nice overnight getaway with Susan. She had been so incredibly patient and loving through the months of waiting.

They finally got the kids all into bed and John crawled into bed while Susan disappeared into the bathroom.

"What are you doing in there?"

"I'll be out in a minute." She called back.

Susan turned to pick up the silky negligée and slid it over her head, turning and looking at herself critically in the mirror. She had been working on getting back in shape, but it had only been about 7 weeks since she gave birth to the twins. Hm, maybe turning the lights down low? She sighed, though then again, John had seen her naked many times since then and it didn't seem to bother him in the least that she had lost that slim figure from when they had started seeing each other.

She fussed with her hair, then finally opened the door, stepping out into their bedroom, which was dimly lit by one of the bedside lamps he had turned on low.

"John." She hoped he was still awake, his eyes were closed and he looked completely relaxed leaning back against the puffy pillows. But his eyes opened after she said his name, she could see his lips twitch slightly as he took in her scantily dressed figure.

He didn't speak right away, though he did sit up slightly and old out his hand to her.

"Come here baby. Wow, I like that." He said it softly as she approached the bed and sat down close to him. She could see the interest in his eyes, as his fingers ran down the silky fabric. "You look beautiful."

John moved over slightly and flipped open the covers, inviting her into the bed with him, pulling her gently towards him. Susan could feel her heart pounding as he lifted her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist, nibbling lightly, then moving up her arm. She let him draw her closer, his lips now running over the sensitive spots on her neck, gentle suction as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

John could feel her hand run down his back, then one up into his hair and he pulled her down, rolling them so she was on her back, kissing her passionately and deeply. She felt him touch her breasts, her nipples tightening, tingling as his warm breath tantalized her through the satin of her negligee.

He helped her remove it as she worked his shirt up and helped him strip off his sleep pants. She looked up into his eyes, grasping his face between her hands, holding him there for a moment.

"I love you." She whispered.

"I love you too, baby." He said back softly.

Susan sank back, enjoying his touch and kisses as they made love, their bodies joining and moving together as one, his body blanketing her as he finally collapsed against her, both trying to catch their breaths.

"Feels like forever since we got to do that." She whispered as he cuddled her against his chest.

"Well, it has been a while, but that's okay, we couldn't make love for a while, but we have two beautiful children. Kind of a trade-off, and hey, now we have the rest of our lives to do that as much as we want."

Susan laughed softly. "I guess that's true, we are done making babies, right?"

"Yeah, I think so. We have four wonderful kids, I'm more than happy with that. The twins are only a couple months old, correct me if I'm wrong but as it will be at least a year before you could even really think about trying to get pregnant, is it something you would even consider? Taking the chance on another set of twins, then having 4 or 5 kids all under the age of 3?"

"Well, when you put it that way, hell no." Susan gave a mock shudder. "Seriously though, I love what we have. Four is perfect."

They held each other close, drifting to sleep, waking several hours later to take care of the twins.

The next couple of weeks were a whirlwind, Susan started going back to Yoga, and taking care of the kids as John spent more time working with Todd, getting ready for the official opening of the Carter Center, which was happening at the beginning of March.

John had warned Susan that she needed to buy a formal dress, she would need to be there for the evening that they were going to have an opening gala, and she may want to be there for the first day of operations, even if only for a few hours. She knew she could take the babies into the office with her that day, along with the nanny, so it was doable, and it was only one day. She was planning to take another couple of months off, working only a bit from home while John took over most of her duties.

He also made plans for Valentines, for them to stay overnight in a hotel, he arranged to have the same suite as the last time and for the nanny to stay overnight with the kids. Cosmo went down for the weekend to stay with Chuck, John drove him to Des Moines so Susan would not have to make the trip away from the kids.

He took her for dinner at Dominic's on Valentines, then they went for a walk downtown. He held her hand with fingers entwined, pulling her into an alley, then opening a door and ushering her in.

"John, what are we doing?" Susan was curious, but John just led her down a hallway and opened another door. Susan looked around realizing they had walked in the back door of a jewellery store. "John, why are we in here? You are going to get us arrested, breaking into a place like this. Why was the door unlocked."

"Well, it would be memorable way to remember tonight, a little jewellery heist."

Susan giggled as he pulled over to one of the cases.

"So which one do you like?"

"Seriously John, this is Tiffany's? Why was the door unlocked?" Susan suddenly realized what store they were in, the pile of blue boxes in one of the displays giving it away. "What is going on?"

John turned and took both of her hands in his turning the eternity ring on her finger.

"Remember when I said this was like a promise ring? I think it's time to exchange this for the real thing."

Susan looked up at him with a slight frown on her face, then her eyes widened as she realized that she was being set up.

"John." She whispered as he kneeled in front of her.

"Susan, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" His deep brown eyes met hers as she looked down at him.

She inhaled deeply, feeling the tears come to her eyes.

"Yes. Of course I'll marry you." She pulled him to his feet and threw her arms around his neck, giving him a deep kiss.

They stood there for several moments in each other's arms, John brushing her tears away. Susan realized the lights had come up just slightly, and he turned her towards one of the display cases, and she saw that there was a velvet tray with a selection of incredible rings sitting on top of the glass.

"Now you just have to pick one."

Susan looked at the rings, then back at John then back at the rings.

"Wow. Oh wow, those are beautiful." She was staring at the rings, they were pretty amazing, nothing like she ever imagined she would be wearing. "Who picked these?"

"I did, kind of a starting point, but if you don't see one you like then we can have them pull out more. I want you to have a ring you love, Susan. You can try on half the store if you want…or the whole store, as long as you get the perfect ring."

"This is insane, but I love it John, you arranged this? Like a private showing for all the rings in the store?"

"Yes."

Susan noted a man who seemed to suddenly appear, he handed them each a glass of champagne as he arrived at the counter.

"For the newly engaged, happy couple." He smiled warmly. "Dr. Lewis, I'm Jesse. I will keep out if your way, but I am here to help you find the perfect ring. We can also order in if we don't have quite the right ring, but John and I spent a bit of time giving you a nice selection to start with. Go ahead and try the rings on at your leisure." He melted back into the background and the lights in the store came up fully so she could see the rows upon rows of glass cases. The velvet padded display on the counter seemed to catch fire as the lights hit the rings.

Susan grinned at John, then pointed to one of the rings that particularly drew her eye. John slid the eternity ring off her left hand, moving it over to the ring finger on her right hand, then placed the engagement ring on to her finger. She held her hand up to the light, admiring the elegant lines of the ring, the sparkle and taking it off, trying on another one.

They spent the next while trying on the various rings, she noted that there were various shapes and sizes of diamonds and ring styles.

"I really love these ones. But I can't quite decide."

"Okay, so now you can try them on with wedding bands, and Jesse will find you some similar styles, try them all on again now you have an idea of what you want."

John signaled and Jesse came over, noted the ones she liked best and pulled out a few more selections that were similar, along with a supply of complementary wedding bands. Within an hour she had picked a stunning but simple emerald cut solitaire with a halo and diamonds inset in the band. She held her hand up to the light, watching the stone catch fire.

"Wow John, this is beautiful. This is the one."

The jeweler nodded. "Very nice choice. Classic style, it will never be out of fashion." He slid the tray with the rest of the rings into the glass cabinet locking it.

John smiled. "I love that one on you, perfect." He gently removed the ring from her finger and handed it to Jesse.

She looked at John a little wide eyed as he simply pulled out his credit card and handed it across the counter. The jeweler didn't even blink, he took it over to the machine and ran it through, and motioning for John once the transaction was ready for his signature.

"Be right back." John sauntered over, signed the credit card slip, taking the blue bag with the wedding band they had chosen to go with the engagement ring. "Thanks Jesse."

"My pleasure John. Best wishes."

He came back to Susan and set the bag on the counter, pulling the small blue box out of the bag and opening it. Susan smiled as he took her left hand and placed the ring back onto her finger then leaned in to kiss her.

"I love it, and I love you. Thank you, it is really gorgeous."

"A beautiful ring for a beautiful woman. Did you have fun?"

"Yes, this was really amazing, having the entire Tiffany's to ourselves? Getting to try on all the rings? You know I am not generally high maintenance, but I do have to admit I love trying on diamond rings."

John took Susan's hand and they went to the hotel, John already had card keys for the room.

Susan gasped in surprise, there were rose petals on the bed, candles set up, a bottle of champagne chilling, two champagne flutes, and a huge bouquet of roses, 24 long stemmed roses to be exact. And a heart shaped box of chocolates on the bed.

"Wow, the elves have been busy in here." She gazed at the room as his arms encircled her. She leaned back against his chest, feeling him push aside her hair, his lips caressing the sensitive spot at the back of her neck.

"I guess they have. Wonder who let them in?" He murmured against her hair.

"This is beautiful, John, amazing, all this is really amazing, you did a lot of work."

"It's worth it, I'm having a special night away with the woman I love."

"I love you too. I hope we can have lots of nights like this."

"I think we can. You know we can do anything we want." He kissed her again, and she turned to wrap her arms around his neck.

She looked up into his eyes, tilting her head a bit.

"I suppose that is true, it is a strange reality for me. That we can do anything, have everything."

"To me, we have pretty much everything already. More than I thought I would ever have. You have to know how happy I am, life has never been easy, but this last year has been incredible. I feel sometimes like I am going to wake up and find out it was just a dream."

Susan stroked the back of his neck, playing with his hair and rewarded him with a beautiful smile. One that made his heart flip.

"I hope not, John, I don't want to wake up either if this is a dream. If anyone told me the day you walked in the doors of County that we would end up together, like this? I would have told them they were crazy. Even when we dated after Phoenix, I would have thought them insane, but...I love you so much, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. To raise our beautiful children together."

"Me too." His lips brushed hers lightly. "So, you like it?"

"It's gorgeous. I don't even want to ask how much it cost, but it is amazing."

"It doesn't matter, it only matters you got the one you wanted. I had thought about buying one, but this was kind of fun, choosing it together. And I know you got one you love, which was really important to me."

"That was fun. Poor Jesse though, you made him stay late on Valentine's."

"Yeah, well, I don't think he minded so much. He knew when we were coming, and you know they earn commission right? So he did pretty well for a couple hours of work. He helped me pick out the initial selection, we set the specifications for stone quality and went from there."

"I cannot believe it, we're engaged."

Susan leaned up and pressed her lips to his, working on removing his tie.

He kissed her back, helping remove clothing, letting the pieces drop here and there as they made their way to the bed. He flipped back the covers and dropped her back onto the bed, covering her with his warm body. She wrapped herself around him, their eyes locking as they moved in harmony.

Susan woke up much later molded up to John in the luxurious bed, smiling as she remembered the lovemaking, feeling even happier and more content as she felt the ring on her finger. She never ever thought she would be wearing such a spectacular ring, she had observed some of the other rings in the cases while John was paying for her ring, and she recognized how lucky she was. All the rings were pretty, but the one John had bought her was incredible in comparison. She would never have even thought about choosing such an extravagant ring, but what John had on display for her when they got into the store made her not worry so much about it.

She knew he meant it when he said it only mattered that she got a ring she loved, and it really had been a memorable way to get engaged, having a whole store to themselves. He was a romantic at heart and though she would not freely admit it, so was she. Her quick wit and acerbic comments often hid her disappointment in situations, and with her life. She knew it was a coping mechanism, her life had not been easy, with her parents barely involved and her drug addicted sister.

She kind of thought John knew this, he had a read on her like no one else, even Mark had not fully understood. John however had a similar family life, he got her, she felt able to let her guard down and be herself with him. Show her softer side, she simply loved him, had known him almost half her life now, they knew each other skeletons, their flaws.

She snuggled closer, closing her eyes and drifting back to sleep. Content with the man who would one day soon be her husband.


	25. Truly, Madly, Deeply

The ribbon fluttered to the ground as John did the ceremonial cut, opening the Carter Center to the public. The sun was just up, it was a crisp clear morning, soft rays falling across the plaza. He could hear the cameras clicking, he smiled and then handed off the scissors.

He could feel Susan's hand take his, entwining their fingers as they walked into the newly opened building. They mounted the stairs towards the offices, turning briefly to look over the lobby.

"Surveying your kingdom?" Susan joked.

"Something like that. It's the moment of truth, been waiting for this moment a long time."

"It is going to be great John, don't worry." Susan ran her hand across the back of his neck, rubbing gently, knowing he had put a lot of his heart and soul into this project. It had a very special meaning to him, the memory of Joshua was so tied up in this project, it was emotional for him and she understood that.

"I hope so."

"I know so."

They watched as the door opened for the first time, and a young woman came in carrying a girl maybe 3 years old. She looked around in awe, then one of the staff directed her to the daycare facility.

It wasn't long before it seemed the door was opening steadily, people arriving for their appointments, many of which had been booked out months ago. Susan smiled, they both went to her office, and grabbed lab coats and stethoscopes, opting to be on the floor the first day. There were a few walk ins during the morning, but it was quiet compared to the relative chaos of County.

The phone was ringing however, and they were starting to get referrals from the hospitals, County especially. Carter was surprised when he turned around and saw a familiar form coming towards him.

"John."

"Wendall. How are you?"

"I'm good. I didn't know you were back in Chicago."

"I've been back for quite a while. Where are you working these days?"

"I go between Northwestern and County right now, but I heard the Center opened and I thought I would come and check it out. See what services I can find for my clients."

"Would you like a tour? I can probably answer most of the questions you have, if I can't then Susan or Todd are both here, we can ask them anything I can't tell you."

"If you have time that would be great."

"Not too busy yet, first day of public operations, I have time today." He walked her through, answering questions as they went.

"So you'll take uninsured patients?"

"Yes, an endowment was set up to cover those costs. We have the HIV daycare, which still has some room, though I was surprised at how quickly it has been filling up." He showed her the daycare center and attached commercial kitchen.

"Wow, this is impressive, John. I know you had mentioned this when we both worked at County, but seeing the whole thing up and running is amazing. How did you manage this?"

"Lots of help from people who know what they are doing. Todd Becker for one, he helped me with details as he has set these up before in other areas, like Harlem. He helped refine the plans, set up the clinics, and hire the personnel. We have a great senior team who have been working for over a year now with us to get all the programs and hiring done. It has been quite the project."

"I'll say."

He took her into his office, and they sat and he answered a few more of her questions. Susan knocked, surprised to see Wendall.

"Dr. Lewis. I didn't know you were back in Chicago either."

"Well, I had an offer I could not refuse. Todd was looking for you, John, but he'll catch up with you later?"

"Perfect."

Wendall asked a few more questions, leaving shortly afterwards.

Todd finally caught up with John later in the afternoon.

"The day is going well, I am going to miss this place."

"And we are going to miss you and Wendy around here. You will have to keep in touch, and of course we still have Hawaii."

"That is going to be a great trip, I cannot wait to see you and Susan tie the knot. Big day for the two of you."

"Yes, but we are looking forward to it, only another week and we are off."

Business at the Center took off quickly, it seemed like word was getting around, and John's concerns were unfounded. They quickly found they were running at capacity most days, the services being well utilized. The hospitals were referring patients, and after the initial period things seems to be working smoothly. John and Susan felt comfortable taking time off to get married as they planned.

Susan had wanted to invite Lexi, so they invited Luka as well, and Todd and Wendy were coming, bringing their kids. The nanny was coming along as were the three babies and Cosmo.

The morning of the trip came around at lightning speed, John had arranged a car for them, and after a little juggling they had their family settled.

"John, is the driver lost? I thought we were going to O'Hare."

"No, he is going the right way." He gave Susan a little wink. She soon saw where they were actually going when the arrived at a hangar and Susan saw the Gulfstream.

"You are kidding me, John, we are going in that?" Susan pointed at the private plane with a little trepidation.

"Yes, we are. We have three kids under the age of 1, I refuse to do coach, and the first class passengers would hate you after that long of a flight, four kids in first class? No, it is easier to charter. And our guests are joining us for the flight out, though since we are staying three weeks they are all coming back commercial."

"You're crazy, but I love you." Susan gave him a big kiss and a hug. "This is amazing, a private plane."

Soon two more limos arrived with Todd, Wendy and their kids, the second with Luka and Lexi. Lexi was almost bouncing when she saw the plane, Luka typically just gave a grin.

Susan still thought it was odd how close John and Luka had become over the past few years, but they got along famously now. Their time in Africa had definitely made them closer.

Susan was a bit nervous at take-off, flying was still not her favourite thing, but John held her hand and she found once they were in the air it was all fine. They were able to move around the cabin, serve themselves drinks and there were snacks for the kids. It was a long flight all the way from Chicago, and they made one quick landing to refuel, but all in all it was a smooth trip.

They landed late afternoon, picking up rental cars then heading in a convoy down to Wailea on the island of Maui, where John had rented two four bedroom luxury condos right by the beach. Cosmo was almost beside himself with excitement at the private pool and proximity to the ocean. John had promised that he would take Cosmo surfing, and they would have a chance to do lots of fun water sports while they were there.

The first few days they relaxed, did a bit of sightseeing, then came the big day.

They had arranged with a wedding planner in the area to have a small intimate wedding on White Rock beach, then a private catered dinner at the condo. Lexi and Luka were acting as the witnesses, and Cosmo was the ring bearer.

"I am so nervous." Susan put the finishing touches on her hair, the ladies had all been treated to a morning at the spa, which included manicures, pedicures and hair styling. She looked into the mirror, seeing Lexi staring back at her.

Lexi smiled widely. "You look so beautiful, you are going to take his breath away. Honestly Susan, you are gorgeous."

Wendy came into the room quietly behind them. "Wow, you are a knock out girl. I have something for you." She handed Susan a fancy wrapped gift box.

"What is this?"

"This is a present from your soon to be husband. He said this is the old for you and something new. I have something for you to borrow and we have the blue already."

"From John. I should have known, I was going to give him his gift tonight."

"He wanted you to have these for the ceremony, so, open them."

Susan carefully undid the bow on top and opened the box, finding some velvet boxes encased within.

Lexi laughed. "Cartier. Those are Cartier boxes, I cannot wait to see what is in them."

Susan flipped open the case and gave a small gasp at the exquisite diamond necklace. She opened a smaller box finding complementary earrings. There was a note in the box.

_Susan,_

_The necklace is a family heirloom, the earrings are new, both of which I hope you will wear today. I had Lexi help me choose them as I have not seen your dress._

_I cannot wait to marry you, I love you,_

_John._

"You sneak, can't wait to see? You've already seen them."

"Uh huh. John asked me to help him choose a wedding gift for you, he wanted something that would work with the dress." She helped Susan, fastening the necklace carefully around her neck, and then fastening the earrings for her. "You don't want to lose these on the beach, they really are Cartier."

Wendy shook her head slightly. "Wow, Susan, you look so incredible, and the necklace and earrings work perfectly. So elegant, just beautiful." The helped her with the simple veil, and they were soon ready to go. The nanny was watching the babies and staying at the condo, and Cosmo was already at the beach with John. The car picked them up to ferry them to the beach.

Susan stepped out, seeing John waiting for her, looking handsome in a lightweight tuxedo. The ceremony was simple, performed near the water on the sand. Susan felt totally lost in the moment, looking up at John with a smile and he held out his hand.

"You look absolutely beautiful." He gazed down into her soft green eyes, seeing all the love in the world reflected there. He felt a very lucky man.

It felt like a blur, and next thing she knew, John was slipping the wedding band on her finger. It nestled up perfectly against the diamond engagement ring. He leaned down and gave her a long slow kiss, she could feel the heat all the way to her toes.

After many pictures on the beach, with sun setting behind them, they made their way back to the condo and enjoyed the extravagant meal provided by the caterers.

Hours later, the kids were tucked into bed, and the other two couples had retired to their separate condo.

"Thank you, everything was so perfect."

"It did turn out pretty well, didn't it? You look so amazing." He stood behind her, letting her lean into him as they stood on the lanai outside their room.

Susan could hear the soft whoosh of waves, and see the path of moonlight glinting off the ocean, and sighed in contentment.

"I cannot believe I have never made it to Hawaii before. It is so gorgeous and these condos, wow, just wow."

"Anything for you." He pushed her hair aside, his lips caressing the sensitive spot on the back of her neck.

"Mmmm, that feels nice." Susan tilted her head slightly to allow him better access as he trailed down her neck and across the back of her shoulder.

She turned in his arms, reaching up around his neck, their mouths meeting hungrily, tasting, tongues entwining. Susan felt her dress slither off her shoulders, pooling on the floor around her feet.

"You have too many clothes on, she whispered, working at removing his shirt, then her hands falling to undo his pants.

"I love these." John ran his hands over the sexy lacy bra and thong Susan was wearing. "New?"

"Mmhmm, I bought them just for today, for tonight really. For you."

"Very sexy, baby." Susan felt the heat of his breath as kissed her breasts, still encased in lace. "You drive me crazy, so damn sexy."

"Don't get too used to those, they are going to go away one day." She giggled as he dropped her on the bed, then cupped her voluptuous breasts.

"I hope not, I love all these curves." He followed her onto the bed, now wearing only silk boxers, everything else discarded in a trail across the bedroom floor. He unhooked her bra, freeing her full breasts, teasing each one with his tongue causing her to moan. She lay back as he kissed and nibbled his way down her body, his hands following, stroking every inch of her skin. He kissed her belly, his lips and tongue working in concert in the most erotic way.

The heat of his mouth against her navel made push her hips up towards him as he moved downwards. Susan closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as his lips created a path down her legs. She gasped softly as he teased behind her knees, then he moved back up her thighs, finally covering her lacy thong with his mouth.

Susan pulled him upwards, opened her mouth to him, his tongue probed her mouth in exploration, stroking and wrapping around hers. She gave another little moan, tasting herself in his mouth. His kisses left her breathless as he nibbled her neck, wanting to take his time he slid his hand back down between her thighs, finding her warmth yet again.

Susan could feel the desire coursing through her body as he stroked her, then used small circles on her sensitive nub, eliciting moans from her as the pleasure radiated through her body from his touch.

She slid her hand down to stroke him, making him moan in return. She really could not wait a moment longer, she started to grind against his hand, thrust her hips up slightly, begging to be taken. She rolled them, taking him in hand and guiding him to her hot, wet center as she impaled herself on his erection. She could hear his sharp intake of breath as her warm wetness surrounded him.

 _"Ah, you feel so good."_ She moaned as he filled her. She looked down into his desire darkened eyes as she started to rock her hips, he thrust slightly upwards, still caressing her breasts.

John had lost the power of speech, He watched her moving and gyrating above him, he brushed his hands over her hips, over the dip at her waist. She was oh so beautiful, she took his breath away. He let his hands move up her body to those full perfect breasts, cupping them, then playing with her nipples.

They fell into a rhythm as her hips circled and rocked, his answering thrusts up into her. Susan could feel it building, the coiling sensation in her stomach. Having him inside her and the way he was playing with her breasts, it felt incredible, one hand was working her sensitive nub and her climax struck, she cried out as it rolled over her. She stopped still, bracing her hands against his chest, gasping for air as her body clenched around him. She caught her breath, gazing down at him with half closed eyes, knowing he was watching her.

Carter flipped her onto her back, still deeply embedded inside her. He stroked in and out slowly, their eyes locked as he moved above her, almost fully withdrawing from her body, then filling her again. He could feel her nails digging into his back as she gave a small cry with each thrust. One of her legs wrapped up around his hips, taking him deeper.

Susan let her hips roll up towards him, pulling him closer with her leg and running a hand into his hair. Their breathing was coming in short gasps as he increased his pace slightly, her hips meeting each thrust.

He varied his movement slightly, and kept changing what he was doing until he heard it. The long moan that escaped from her lips, he could feel her smooth walls tightening around him, creating that sweet friction as he moved within her. He was thrusting into her hard and fast now.

 _"Oh, don't stop, that's it, don't stop."_ The words fell from her lips, Susan could feel it starting again, it overtook her quickly and she tipped her head back, arching up towards him.

John could tell she was close, as soon as her body started to contract around him he let himself go, letting out a long moan of pleasure. His body twitching as he drove in deep and finally stilled. They were both panting from the exertion, he collapsed against her, rolling slightly to take his weight off.

They lay not speaking, holding each other close, sharing small sensuous kisses as they both recovered.

Susan finally sighed softly. "Amazing. The sex just gets better and better every time, I can't believe how good that was."

"I know. I cannot believe we get to spend the rest of our lives having sex like that, you just might be the death of me woman."

Susan snuggled close to him, closing her eyes. "Crazy, this feels surreal, you're my husband, Mr. Carter."

"My wife, Mrs. Carter. Wow that does sound weird, Mrs. Carter."

"Well, it will still be Dr. Lewis actually, Dr. Carter."

"I know, but hey, have to say it at least once."

"It doesn't bother you? If I stay Lewis?"

"No, not at all, I didn't actually expect that you would change your name, you worked hard to become a doctor, and it is a huge deal to change all your paperwork. If you want to be Lewis, then stay Lewis, gives you a little anonymity too, believe me the name Carter can be a burden sometimes. Especially in Chicago."

"I'd manage."

"I know you would, you are a strong, fierce woman, which is great. You don't let anyone give you shit, one of the things I love about you."

"You never pick women who are easy, do you? I mean, you've dated all these strong, professional women. Why is that?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, I guess I just like women who can be equals, I don't like ditsy women who dumb themselves down. I have dated a few of them, and it isn't attractive when a woman pretends she is less than she is, not to me anyway. I love strong, independent women, what can I say?"

"Well, that makes sense in a lot of ways, I don't like listening to women like that either, so I can see how a lot of men wouldn't like it. Some men do, I think they love feeling superior, it makes them feel smarter. Or they like the control."

"Maybe, I don't know." He yawned. "I think we need some sleep, Mrs. Carter."

Susan laughed softly. "I think you're right."

The rest of the holiday was filled with fun. True to his word, John took Cosmo surfing, and even got Susan to take some lessons. They went kayaking, snorkeling and he even managed a couple of scuba dives with Todd. After the first week, the other two couples headed home, leaving John and Susan to finish up the time alone…or as alone as they could be with four kids and a nanny.

They did go out just the two of them a few times, enjoying the closeness and intimacy.

Three weeks later they touched down at the Executive Airport in Chicago, everyone tired but happy. They loaded everyone into the limo, and John turned on his phone.

"Wow, that is a lot of messages, looks like County, I should call in, something is up."

"We just got home John, let's go home, I'm tired." Susan leaned her head against his shoulder.

John was listening to the messages. "Sorry, it seems important, and the messages are all within the last three hours. I need to call in."

He dialed quickly. "Jerry? It's Carter, I have a million calls and messages from Wendall."

Susan frowned. "Wendall? What does she want?" She whispered as he shrugged slightly.

"I don't know baby, but it sounds urgent." He held for a minute until Jerry came back on the line saying Wendall was hoping he could come by ASAP.

"Driver can you detour to County General? It sounds important, but how about you just drop me and go home?" He handed Susan the house key and dug his wallet out of the bag on the floor. "I'll call you in a bit, and be home as soon as I can, okay?"

"Damn ER. You don't even work there anymore."

"This sounds personal, though. I promise I'll be home as soon as I can." He gave her a quick kiss and slid out of the limo.

"Nice ride boss." Gates was waiting for an ambulance in the bay. "Nice tan too, where you been?"

"Maui, just got back from our honeymoon." He continued in the doors.

Sam saw him coming and buzzed him through the security with a little wave as she was on the phone.

"Jerry, where's Wendall?"

"Dr. Carter. Exam 4, she said to send you down, you can just go in."

"Thanks." He could feel eyes on him as he walked down the hall, knocking softly on the door before going in.

Abby glanced over at him while Wendall tried to sooth the fussy toddler in her arms.

"Carter, you're good with kids, maybe you can suture him."

"You called me in for sutures?"

Wendall shook her head slightly. "John. Glad I got hold of you. Abby could you give us a few minutes?" She asked as Carter took the fussing toddler from her arms.

"Carter, you got him?"

"Yes, you can go, I can manage."

Both women watched as the little boy buried his head into John's chest, cramming his thumb in his mouth, while John rocked on his feet.

Abby was curious about what Wendall had to say to John, but the meaningful glance at the door persuaded her maybe it was time to leave.

Wendall watched as John stroked the little boys soft hair. "Sh, it's okay. Where is his mother?"

Wendall remembered the blond woman rolling in on the gurney, Morris had been working furiously on her, but she at least was awake. As was her screaming toddler.

_"Let's get in an IV, I'll clear her neck, looks like we have a fracture of the femur. Can you tell me your name?"_

_"Harper…Tracy." She mumbled. "John."_

_"The little boy is fine, is he John? Tracy? Stay with me."_

_Haleh had been in the room, she turned at the name. "Harper Tracy?" Haleh looked at the woman on the gurney. "Morris, her name is Harper Tracy, she used to work here a long time ago. What's your little boy's name?"_

_"Devon. He okay?"_

_Haleh nodded. "They are looking at him, nothing serious."_

_"John, call John."_

_Morris frowned. "Who's John?"_

_Haleh looked at the little boy who was now in Wendall's arms._

_"Carter? John Carter?" Haleh asked._

_"Yes, Carter, for Devon, call, John."_

_"She knows Carter, get him on the phone."_

_Wendall stepped over. "They are going to take you up for surgery, you want John Carter to take your son, Devon?"_

_"Yes, John." Her eyes fluttered shut, though her vitals remained steady if not that strong, relaxing now that she had her point across. John needed to come and get Devon, her son, her angel.  
_

_"Red line her, we have a positive lavage, blood in the belly, she needs to go now."_

_The flipped up the sides of the gurney and they were taking her, Dubenko arriving in time to take her up the elevator to surgery. Wendall had found John's cell phone number through Jerry and left messages, he finally called her back a couple hours later, they had been trying to keep the boy calm but he was having none of it. Abby was not able to fix the gash on his forehead, though they did check him out and there was no serious damage._

Wendall watched him now with the boy, he really was good with kids.

"Can you hold up the chart for me? Flip it open? I don't want to suture him until I see it."

Wendall did as he asked, he scanned it, then nodded. He had not stopped rocking the toddler, who had his eyes closed now.

"What's going on? Surely they didn't call me to take care of sutures on a toddler." As he was talking he, pulled out a kit, and handed the little boy back to Wendall. Quickly and efficiently he took care of the small wound.

"There, should not even be a scar." He took the boy back from Wendall. "So are you going to tell me?

"Harper Tracy. Do you know her?"

"Harper? Yes I know her, I've know her for years, we were med students at the same time here at County. What about Harper?"

"They brought her in a couple hours ago, MVA."

"Is she okay? Where is she?" John knew she didn't have family in Chicago and he'd had no idea she was even here. He was immediately worried. "Is that why you call me?"

"Yes, she should be okay, they took her up to surgery and she is still in the OR last I heard."

"What's wrong with her?"

"I can't say. Morris would be the better one to ask, but I've been told she will be here for a couple weeks."

"Oh, I'll go check on her once we are done here. But why are you involved?"

"The little boy you're holding is her son, he came in with her on the MVA, she kept saying to call you, she wanted you to take him. Otherwise it seems she has no one?"

"This is her son? What's his name?"

"Devon. Do you know her family?"

"No, her parents are up in Boston, I don't think they are doing very well health wise, she's an only child. How old is he?" John looked down at the boy nestled in is arms. Harper's son.

"Just over two years old." Wendall held out the boy's passport which John took from her fingers, then sat on a stool, taking a deep breath then flipping it open.

Devon John Tracy. The name hit him, the words blurring before his eyes, then he looked at the birth date.

"Are you okay?" Wendall was watching him. "You didn't know." This came out as a statement.

"No, I didn't. Damn, Harper, what were you thinking." He muttered under his breath.

"He's your son right? He kind of looks like you, middle name John, he's yours?"

"I...think so...probably...the dates...yeah, its probable...likely." He held the little boy closer, leaning his head against his hair. His son.

"Can you take him? I know this might cause some issues for you, you're engaged right?"

"No, married actually, we just got married in Maui. That's why it took me so long to call you, we just landed maybe an hour ago. But I'll take him, if I don't he goes to foster care right? She has no one here to take him, she lives in Germany, works at Hahn."

"What's Hahn?"

"The Airbase, not far from Frankfurt. She's a doctor there."

"Why is she in Chicago? Visiting someone?"

"I have no idea, I didn't know she was here. Then again I've been away for three weeks."

"Well, congratulations, married and a kid." Wendall softened a bit. "Seriously John, is she going to be upset? Susan Lewis right? I remember her, she worked with us too."

"Yes, Susan. I don't know, I imagine she is not going to be happy, but on the other hand what Harper and I had was before Susan and I got together. I really don't know, I mean, how would you feel about it." He stopped thinking given the history, maybe not the best question. "Sorry, scratch that, that was stupid, don't answer."

Wendall shrugged. "It's okay John, you and I have a history, this is kind of weird and awkward for both of us. If I had a colleague who could take over, it would be better for everyone, but we simply don't have the staffing levels. The fact that you can take him and I have one less child to worry about is a bit of a miracle. We can be friends you know, I reflected on our whole relationship and...maybe I'm wrong but you were just trying to move on. Unsuccessfully, but I am pretty sure you didn't mean to hurt me."

John sighed. "No, I didn't mean to, but I did anyways. I liked you, but I just wasn't ready, of course I didn't know that until later and I am still sorry how it ended with us, I probably always will regret it. Not everything, of course, you're great, just the part where I hurt you."

"Don't worry John, I'm over it. So, I need you to sign some papers and then you can take him. I am assuming our resident millionaire doesn't need any financial assistance?"

"Ah no. I think I can manage a few diapers and...maybe a few clothes. Does he have a coat? I am going to be on the L, I have no car and no car seat. Unless the nanny is still at our house, I can't even call Susan."

"I'll drive you home. We can stage a raid on Dr. Tracy's hotel room? I have a card key and we found something for the Drake in her bag, so I believe that is where she is staying? Maybe we can get some clothes an pajamas for the little guy, getting kind of late to find too many stores open. The nanny huh, I didn't realize you had kids."

"We do, Susan's son Cosmo is 7, Ava is 11 months and the twins Ben and Maya are 5 months."

"Really, you have a houseful. I guess I can trust you know how to keep a child alive." She joked lightly.

"Between Susan and I, we have successfully managed to keep all four fed. And mostly happy."

"All right, wait here and I will get us a car seat." Wendall disappeared out the door.

John picked up the phone, still holding Devon and called home.

"Hi, when are you coming home?" Susan answered right away.

"Soon, is the door unlocked?"

"I'll unlock it. Why did they need you?"

Abby reappeared suddenly, and he felt uncomfortable saying any more on the phone.

"I'll fill you in, but I have to go. Should be about an hour and I'll be home."

"Someone there? You can't talk right?"

"You know me so well, and yes that's right. I love you."

"I love you too. Don't be too late, I miss you already."

"Soon. Bye." He hung up the phone quickly.

"So, what is going on, Carter? You know this little boy's mom?" Abby picked up the chart, then looked at the small, neat dressing on his head. "Mm, can't see the work, but since you taught me, I am going to discharge him. Wendall's springing him out of here apparently."

"Not that it's your business, but yes, I have known Harper for years. Any word on how she is?"

"I can call up for you." She went over and dialed the phone on the wall, John listened in as she talked. "Thank you."

Abby turned. "She's still in surgery, they have ortho working on her leg, she needs a couple pins. The removed her spleen, she had a bit of bleeding in her belly and needed a few sutures for some lacerations. They think she'll be out in a couple hours, so it will be morning before anyone can see her. Unless you sweet talk Dubenko."

"No, I'll come see her in the morning when she's out of recovery." He watched Abby signed the discharge, then he got up, picking up the bag of personal effects off the bed and heading for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Home?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Abby was eyeing the child in his arms.

"Like what? Oh does he have a coat or something?"

"No, but you can't just walk out of here with that little boy. I'll take him."

"Sure I can, and I'm going to. Harper wanted me to come and get him, why do you think I'm here. She asked Wendall to call me to take Devon."

"You know her well enough to take her son?"

"I've known Harper since I was 24 Abby, I think I do know her well enough."

"So the rumors are true, you dated her? Right?"

"Yes, I did. For several months. We've kept in touch, she knew I was in Chicago."

"You want to hear the other rumor flying around the ER? Everyone thinks he's yours. That she asked for you because Devon is your kid. Interesting rumor."

"Whatever. You know people in the ER never mind their own business."

Wendall reappeared at that moment.

"Ready to go? The seat is in my car."

"More than ready. See you Abby."

She watched them leave, as did half of the ER.

Chuny nodded. "Something going on there. Anyone have wagers?"

Brenner laughed. "I wager he is going to be dating Wendall soon."

Frank snorted. "You are a few years too late on that wager, he's already dated Wendall. Besides he has his hands full with Lewis, she would take him down if he even looked at another woman."

Gates nodded. "Especially since they just got back from Maui, did you not see the tan and the wedding ring? He married Lewis in Hawaii."

Morris was still staring at the doors. "I wager that that kid is his. The patient just kept saying 'call John'. Of course I had no idea until Haleh said Carter knew her, and that boy looks like him. Anyone else see it?"

Haleh shrugged. "None of your business Morris. Leave it alone, the truth will come out soon enough, I think we all know that the rumors here get out of control. Get back to work."

She turned and walked off down the hall, knowing Morris had hit the nail on the head. She had taken one look at the little boy when Harper kept saying 'call John'. And she knew without a doubt, Devon was Carter's son.


	26. Look After You

Wendall stopped the car in front of his house, looking up at it with a little smile. John glanced over at her.

"What?"

"Nice place. Surprised you sold the other house though."

"I was never there, no point in keeping it, and it was just a house, this one truly feels like home."

"I liked that house, a lot, you did a ton of work on it too.  But I guess it makes sense, you moved away for a while, right?"

"Yes, I lived between Paris and Africa, mostly Africa though for almost 4 years." He sighed and looked back at the house. "I guess I should face the music."

"You think she is going to be angry?"

"Don't know, but no time like the present to find out. Can't sit here all night, I am sure you want to go home." Wendall shrugged, seeming in no hurry, but she seemed...concerned. "Don't be so worried, Susan is a good person, she might be pissed off initially, but she knows how the system works, she knows all about foster care, she will get why I took him."

"Well, that is true, she worked at County."

"She has been an ER doctor a long time, she definitely understands. We adopted our daughter Ava, her mom was a 15 year old girl who asked us to take the baby because her parents were trying to make her marry her 16 year old boyfriend...she gets it Wendall. It might not be pretty, but we will work it out."

He got the suitcases from the trunk while Wendall eased the little boy out of the car seat and followed him up the walkway. He opened the door quietly in case Susan was asleep, setting the suitcases down, sliding off his jacket before taking the toddler out of her arms. "Thanks."

"Not a problem. You know how to get hold of me if there are any issues, and I'll be doing a follow up in a couple of days."

"We'll manage, you don't need to do that."

"Yes I do, it's my job. I get that we know each other John, but legally I have to follow up."

"Right, fine, sorry, this is just really strange, I haven't been on this side before."

"No, I get it. I'll visit Harper too once she is awake, let her know we checked her out of her hotel room. And of course that Devon is safe with you until she gets better. Thanks for paying the hotel bill, I was going to do that."

"It's fine, I don't mind doing that for Harper. Thanks again Wendall."

They said goodnight, Wendall let herself out, John locked the door behind her.

"Was that Wendall?" Susan came downstairs, clearly recognizing the woman's voice.

"Yeah, she gave me a ride home."

"You were out with Wendall? So what was it all about?" Susan sounded jealous, not that he could blame her necessarily.  Wendall the ex-girlfriend bringing him home this late? She froze as she realized John was holding a child. "And why do you have a toddler attached to you?"

"Well, it was about the toddler that is attached to me, that's why Wendall needed to see me. Can we go upstairs so I can put him down and get him changed? He needs some sleep and so do we. We can talk?"

Susan frowned, then nodded. "I think drinks maybe? Is he hungry?"

She curiously eyed her husband as he held the small boy firmly against his chest.

"We stopped and fed him, so he should be okay, maybe just some milk for him? And for me, a cold drink would be nice. Thanks baby, I know this is really strange, but..." He didn't know what else to say, strange did not begin to cover this situation.

Susan moved closer, brushing her hand gently over the boy's hair and observing the dressing on his forehead.

"What happened there. Hey little man." She smiled softly as Devon turned his head away and burrowed against John. "Mm, tired I bet. What's his name?"

"Devon. He was in an MVA, he is a bit out of sorts, I can barely put him down for two seconds before he starts up. I'm going to try and put some pajamas on him."

"Okay, I'll be up in a minute, and you can tell me what is going on."

He took the smaller of the two suitcases and carried it upstairs laying him down on the bed before finding him some pajamas and a clean diaper. The small boy started to fuss, losing the warm security of John's arms as he dug into the suitcase to find fresh clothing. His cry quickly became shrill and demanding.

"Just a second Dev, it's okay, just a minute." John picked the boy up and cuddled him, settling him down. "I know buddy, you miss mommy and you're tired. It's okay."

Devon rubbed his eyes and cuddled in again, John knew it was going to be a long night, the boy was traumatized, in a strange place with someone he didn't know, and too young to understand where his mommy had disappeared to.

John was done changing the little boy and was sitting on the bed soothing him as he tried to get the little boy to sleep.

"Mama." He whined.

"Sh, it's okay, mommy is fine."  Susan held out a toddler cup of milk, he gave it to Devon and watched him drink, his eyes starting to get heavy. Finally the boy drifted off, laying on the bed close beside John.

Susan sat on the bed and watched quietly as John settled the boy close to him, trying to get him comfortable, but staying close so he would not wake up.

"Okay so what is going on John? You get a call from Wendall of all people, run off, then reappear hours later with a toddler, who appears to be what? A couple years old? Spill it. Who are the parents?  Where is this child's mother?"

John looked up at her finally, worried about the reaction.

"Harper Tracy."

"Harper Tracy? Why do you have Harper's son?"

"They brought her and Devon in after an MVA, she had to go up for surgery, but she was apparently conscious when they brought her in. She told Wendall to call me to come and get Devon."

"And why would Harper want you? Did she tell you?"

"I haven't talked to Harper yet, she was still in surgery when I got there. We can only…make some guesses."

"Exactly why do you think Harper asked for you?" Susan narrowed her eyes at him, already suspicious.

"Don't look at me like that." This earned him a glare.

"Just say it John, it is not going to get any easier."

He sighed looking down at his hands, not sure how Susan was going to react, she seemed upset with him and he hadn't even got to the tough part. "My guess as to why Harper asked for me? I think...Devon is my son."

"What!" Susan said loudly, with a sharpness to her tone.  "You think this child is your son?"

"Shh, you are going to wake him up."

"And I am going to kick your ass. You have a son and you didn't tell me?" Susan let the words sink in. "Wait, what do you mean, you _think_ Devon is your son?"

"I didn't know, and I am only guessing at this point. I would have told you if I knew had a child Susan. After everything, all our discussions about kids, you think I would have kept my son a secret? Are you insane?"

"She didn't tell you? Just how did this happen? Harper Tracy of all people?" Susan leveled her gaze at him. "John?"

"How do you think, Susan, the usual way? Do I have to spell it out? I told you there was someone else after I found out Kem cheated."

"You neglected to mention it was Harper."

"Yeah, well you didn't ask for details, and I didn't think it was something we needed to discuss. I mean, who really wants that much information."

"The fact that you were sleeping with an ex girlfriend, you didn't think it was worth mentioning?"

"Why should I? I wasn't dating you at the time or anything. Have I asked for an accounting or a list of the men you've had sex with? Is that something you want? You want me to make you a list of every woman I've slept with?"

"Not a chance, I don't want to know, I have a feeling I wouldn't like to know how many women you've had sex with."

John took a deep breath at that one, but let it go by. It really hurt, the way she said it, the tone of her voice, the look on her face.  He knew he'd been with a lot of women but she didn't need to make him feel so judged, and that is what she was doing, judging him.

"I'm sorry, I should not have said that, I...have no right to say things like that to you."

"No, you don't."  He tried to keep his voice calm, but he knew Susan caught the inflection, his tone, he was both hurt and pissed off at her. "I didn't think it mattered who it was, Susan. It happened, and the only reason it even matters now is because she showed up in Chicago and got involved in an accident, and had Devon with her. It doesn't change the fact that this little boy is probably my son."

"How long did it go on? The affair?"  Her stayed level this time.

"Off and on over about 4 months."

"Are you kidding? 4 months you were sleeping with Harper. Your ex girlfriend."

He shrugged, not saying anything. He didn't feel like she needed an answer to that one.  What could he say anyway, it was true, and if she wanted to judge him then he had no control over it.

"And you think he's yours because?"

"The dates, and his name."

"Devon?"

"Devon _John_ Tracy, she kind of named him after me.   He was born just short of 9 months after she came to see me in Darfur."

"She was with you in Darfur? For how long?"

"Three weeks."

"Wow, that long. Four months and you spent a solid 3 weeks together in Darfur. Did you see her after that? I mean, how could you not know she was pregnant?"

"I got sick not long after she was there and I ended up in Nairobi. And then I was back in Chicago, and I didn't hear from her. It was an affair Susan, we weren't a couple, or dating, and I was really ill, so...I didn't see her, she didn't say she was pregnant. Okay? You make it sound like...never mind."

"So it was the last time you were together."

"Yes, things might have been different if I didn't get sick and have to come home, maybe I would have found out. I probably would have seen her, but under the circumstances I didn't.  Then again, if she didn't want me to know, she may have just ended it anyway, I don't know what she was thinking."

"Okay, that makes sense."

"You're pissed off at me. I'm sorry, I didn't know, and I don't know what else to do besides take care of him until she is out of the hospital. Whether he is my child or not, she doesn't have family in Chicago, her parents aren't well and...I can tell you are really angry at me right now."

"I'm not angry. I believe you didn't know, it happened before we were together and there is nothing else you can do. I respect that you want to take responsibility for your son…or a child who might be your son. You care about her, don't you? I think you should do DNA testing and find out for sure."

"Or I can ask Harper. I am sure she will tell me."

"Except she didn't John, she kept it a secret, so maybe he isn't your son. DNA testing John, do it. You have the child, it is a quick swab that takes two seconds, it's non-invasive and if you express deliver the samples to the lab you can have it back in a few days. I want the proof and I am sure you do too."

"Is that an ultimatum Susan? Find out or else? And if he is, what then? You are angry, I can see it, and I'm sorry, I know you didn't sign up for this." He couldn't keep the hurt and sadness out of his voice, this was a difficult situation and even though she denied it, Susan was angry with him.  Even more angry because it was Harper, though why this mattered he didn't know, he would have thought it would make her less angry, at least he cared about Harper, it wasn't some random careless one night stand.

He wasn't sure he could deal with another break up, another woman walking out of his life. In fact he knew it would be almost impossible to recover from, he was in so deep with her and women had certainly left him with less provocation. With Wendall it was a simple phone call and she wigged out. This was far more than a phone call, and it could end his marriage before they even really had a chance to live together as a husband and wife.

* * *

 

Susan sat on the side of the bed, she could feel it, the anxiety coming off him in waves. She was not sure anything she said at the moment was going to make him feel better. She certainly had not meant it to come out like an ultimatum or turn  this into a fight.  It was stupid that they were fighting about this.  He'd admitted to the affair before she moved to Chicago, and though it bothered her about Harper, it was more her issue, if he had to have an affair, at least it was just one woman, not a string of random one night stands.  He wanted to do what was right, that was obvious, and her being angry and defensive was not going to change anything.

She was not going to up and leave him over this, though not an ideal way to spend their first night home together as husband and wife. She looked down at the small form sleeping peacefully in the middle of the bed, then back at John. He was not looking at her now, the silence was deafening, he was leaning forward with his face hidden, she knew he was exhausted and upset.

She stood and walked around the bed, sinking back down just in front of him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He was stiff in her arms, like he couldn't give in and relax, like he was expecting the worst.

"John. It's not like that, but I won't lie, I'm upset. We come home from a really fabulous honeymoon, to find out a woman you had an affair with 3 years ago may have had your child. Not just any woman, someone you cared about deeply, you love her, even if you aren't in love with her. But, we're married, I'm _in love_ with you, and I take our vows seriously. They aren't just words John, they meant so much more than that, and I hope you think so too. We will work this out, I don't want to fight with you about this, it would be stupid to fight about this,it doesn't change anything. All I am saying is for everyone's sake, mine, yours, the child's, and our children that we have together, you need to find out for sure if he is even your son."

She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Please John, I beg you to make sure, and I need you to talk to me. Please talk to me."

She felt his arms curl around her, returning the embrace.

"I'm scared Susan, what we have is so great, but…whenever I find something great it always ends up being ruined by something or someone. I can't lose you, I'm not strong enough to go through it again." His voice came out barely a whisper.

"You aren't going to lose me. Not because of this, John, you didn't do anything wrong, I know what happened between you and Harper was before there was even a thought of us. Before we even knew there might be something between us. If he is your son, I will accept him into our lives just like you accepted Cosmo into your life. I respect the fact that you will make sure this child is going to be okay, but we will both always wonder unless you make sure. The dates line up, but can you say for absolute certainty that she was not with anyone else around the time he was conceived?"

"I am pretty sure it was just me she was sleeping with, she's not a slut Susan, it may have been an affair but neither of us were seeing anyone else. She isn't a bad person, and I do care about her, we will always be friends. She would have told me if she got involved with someone, and we would have ended things. But okay. I will do the testing if it means that much to you. Wendall mentioned it too and she can set up an appointment quickly if I want testing done."

"Wendall. Isn't it a little…strange to have her involved?"

"A little, but we talked, they are understaffed, she has no one to hand off to or she would. She isn't totally comfortable either, but she and I were over a long time ago Susan, before I moved back to Africa, you know that. Is it going to be an issue for you? There is nothing going on with Wendall, she is just doing her job. She happened to be on shift when they came into the ER."

"No, it is not going to be an issue for me, John. Part of what we have is trust. I see Chuck all the time and you don't get all upset about it, because you know I don't love him. I have to do the same, get over the fact that you have ex-girlfriends, and an ex-wife who might show up in your life. No more kids though right?"

She tried to joke with him lightly.

"I really hope not. Kind of a guy's worst nightmare, a woman you've dated shows up with your kid. Women don't have to go through that, you always know if you have children."

"I love you." She dropped kisses on his face, burying her face against his neck. "I love you so much, it is going to be okay."

"I love you too. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being understanding, this is not easy for you, I get that. My exes keep reappearing and I can't imagine what that is like."

"Not great, but again John, I trust you. I love you, and I meant the for better or for worse part." She looked over at the little boy on the bed. "He is awfully cute, and if he is your son, it's not the end of the world. We both love kids, so you have another son. Not so happy about the fact you slept with Harper Tracy though, she was so annoyingly cute and blond, I remember the two of you together, I hated it. It was so much better to think it was some expendable faceless little tramp, rather than Harper, the ex girlfriend you missed so much when she left County."

" _You_ introduced us. I remember you enticing me to supervise her, not sure why you hated it so much. You wanted me to date her."

"Yeah, because I was trying to remove temptation from my path, if you had a girlfriend I would not be damn tempted to jump you in the trauma room."

He laughed. "You were never going to jump me in the trauma room."

"Oh you are wrong about that, I bet half the women in the ER had carnal thoughts about you.  Remember the first year you were there and the pile of Valentines you got?  With girl's phone numbers on them?  I wanted to sleep with you, I just didn't want to get caught."

"The truth comes out. Well, I wanted to sleep with you too, if you had jumped me in the trauma room? I would have let you, in fact I would have encouraged it. Damn, if I had known, I would have jumped _you_ in the trauma room. Seriously though Susan, Harper and I...it was just an affair. I care a lot about her, but I'm in love with you. The affair was just that, an affair."

"How did it start?"

"Uhhh, really? You are not actually asking me details, please tell me you don't want details."

Susan lifted an eyebrow. "Really. That is quite the response, John. Just tell me how you ran into her, I don't want specific details."

"I think I am going to regret telling you."

Susan narrowed her eyes again. "Spill it."

"Fine. Kem and I had a fight, and she walked off. I was just looking over the river and felt like someone was watching me, so I look over, and damned if it wasn't Harper. In the middle of Paris, out of everyone, Harper is just standing there staring at me. I am not sure she was convinced it was me at first, but she came over and said hi, and we started talking, then went for a drink to catch up."

"Just like that, you ran into her?"

"Yes, just like that. It's a popular tourist area, down near the Seine, not too far from where Kem and I lived."

"And that is when it started. After a fight with Kem."

"After a fight with Kem where she told me she was fucking her ex boyfriend. It wasn't planned, Harper had her own troubles, we got a little drunk, one thing let to another. I do not know why you want to hear this, I really don't."

"You're right, I've heard enough, I don't need a road map, but...Harper knew it was just sex?"

"She knew it was just an affair, yes. No strings attached, no obligations, we talked about it before we went past the first night together. I know, I am messed up right? But it helped me get over the betrayal, the hurt, it helped me get over Kem and it helped her get over her cheating ex husband."

"There are other ways to deal with things, John, I know you're a guy, but...just jumping into bed with someone?"

"I know that Susan, trust me, I know that, I told you, messed up I get it, but... it helped. I can't explain it, it just does. And it isn't just because I'm a guy, after all, there was a woman on the other side of the equation, and she was...certainly willing. Not like I picked up some stranger in a bar for a one night stand."

"So it just seemed like a good idea at the time? A good idea that went on for months? Must have been great sex."

John narrowed his eyes at her, but wisely chose not to comment. Susan looked at him for a moment, then shook her head.

"Yeah, I don't want to know. Don't answer that." She didn't need details of what he had done with other women, though if the intimacy she shared with John was any indication, then...she shook off the thought quickly. She noted he still didn't say anything.

"Are we okay? I mean, really okay? I feel like we just had our first fight." John finally spoke. "I know this is not something that is all that easy to deal with, especially given the history. I have to be honest, even if he turns out not to be mine, I still want to make sure he's okay, because he's Harper's son. She doesn't have anyone else to turn to, Susan, and if I hadn't taken him he would probably still be waiting to be put into foster care."

Susan thought about it for a moment, thinking how she felt the need to take care of Susie, knowing he was right, the little boy was better off with them than in some nameless foster home. She knew Wendall would have done her best, but the system was flawed and there was only so much they could do.  More to the point, Harper had apparently asked for John to come and get Devon, Harper had reached out for help from the one man she knew would be there for her and for her son.

"What about her family?"

"Her parents are elderly, and ill, and live up near Boston last I heard. Her closest friends are scattered and for the most part in Germany, and she is an only child. I can't let him go into foster care, I just can't."

"I agree. I know you're right John, no matter if this little boy is your son or not, we have to take care of him. The system is flawed, and she is someone who you care about, whether I like it or not, you have a history with her and I get why you feel that way. Get the testing done so we know, but I am willing to keep him too, until she can take care of him properly, even if he's not yours. We have the resources, and I would do the same...I mean, I did it for my niece, right? I almost adopted Susie to keep her out of the system."

"Thank you, it means a lot to me that you will do this. I love you, you are an amazing, wonderful and caring woman."

Susan leaned into him, giving him a kiss.

"And you are an amazing, wonderful and caring man. You didn't even hesitate did you? You just took him, you would have taken him even if you thought he wasn't your son."

"Yes, I would have, even if you were angry with me, I knew in my heart you would understand. I was worried there for a bit though, I meant it Susan, I can't lose you. This would have been a really difficult thing, I simply cannot choose between you and my son, how can anyone make that kind of choice?"

Susan knew he'd lost relationships over a lot less, but over time she would make him see that what they had was very different than anything else he'd ever had. She loved him deeply.

"I'm not going anywhere John. We are going to have fights, and bumps in our path, but we can get through it if we just keep talking, keep connected. Don't give up on us."

"I won't. Now I think we need some sleep, the kids will all be up early."

She crawled into her side, the small child still asleep in the middle of them. She reached out and entwined her fingers with his, giving them a squeeze.

"I love you."

"I love you too." He squeezed back.

* * *

 

Morning came too soon, by 6 am all 5 kids were up and clamoring for breakfast. The nanny had gone home the night before, and they had given her a few days off before they knew about the new addition to their household. John helped Susan get the kids all fed, and then he took Cosmo to school.

Cosmo was anxious to get back and tell all his friends about the trip to Hawaii. He was mildly curious about the little boy that had appeared overnight but they just said they were taking care of him for a few days.

John stopped on the way home and purchased a car seat for Devon and new coat, as the one he'd had was dirty and bloody after being in the car accident.

"I called Wendall, she is checking on Harper for me, but she made an appointment for me to go in the DNA test." He watched Susan's face for any sign she was hesitant or still upset. "Then I need to stop in and see Harper and sign some stuff for Wendall."

She simply gave him a smile. "Okay, you two go do that, make the hospital visit and I am going to take this crew to the park if it's nice out. We will walk down and get Cosmo from school if you aren't back in time."

"All, right, we should be back by then, the appointment is in a couple hours, and it is a five minute thing, I expect I might be at County a couple hours after that."

John gave Devon a bath and dressed him in fresh clothes, then got him buckled into his new car seat.

They stopped at the clinic and let them take the swabs, which took less than 15 minutes, then he went over to the hospital, stopping in to see Wendall.

"John, how are things today?"

"Good, Devon slept pretty well, had a good breakfast. Thanks for making the appointment, Susan and I agreed it would be the best thing to just do it, no matter what. I'll talk to Harper too, and I am sure she will be happy to see Devon."

"Come in and shut the door, John." Wendall had a serious look on her face.

"What? What's wrong?" He pushed the door shut, sitting Devon on his knee.

"Harper hasn't come out of the anesthetic yet. They have done some scans and they don't see any obvious problems, but she still hasn't woken up. Can you give me any information on her family? We need to get in touch with her parents. And we have to talk about Devon."

"She's not awake?" John felt his heart sink. "Who is her doctor?"

Devon squirmed and John let him go, the little boy had his eye on the toy bucket in the corner. He toddled over and started pulling things out.

"They are assigning a neurologist, Dubenko was the surgeon, so you might want to talk to him. Her family?"

John told her all he remembered about Harper's parents, their names.

"The base in Germany, they would have all that information. We should try them, they are going to be looking for her at some point too, who knows how long she has off, sometimes it's only a few days at a time. She has a good friend there…Crystal is her first name, if she's even still there."

"Let's try calling there. We just need to find the number."

John pulled out his cell phone and scrolled through his phone book, and scrawled the number on a piece of paper for Wendall. She gave him a look and he shrugged.

"We were seeing each other for a while, I have her contact number, including the number for the Air Force Base."

"In Germany."

"Yeah, well we were seeing each other in Europe. I went to Frankfurt and Hahn a couple times, I met her Commanding Officer, he might talk to me."

"All right. Why am I not surprised, I should have known just to ask you."

"Well it all just happened Wendall, not like we have had a lot of time to deal with the details yet."

She passed him the phone and John called the number and managed to get the main office on the line, letting them know why he was calling and soon he had the CO on the line. He gave him a run down on the situation, asking if they could help them contact any family.

"You know Dr. Carter, you are on her emergency contact list? That is why I am so willing to talk to you, you are one of her emergency contacts and there are instructions in her file for her son Devon that relate to you. We have some letters of direction and a copy of his birth certificate."

"Can you send me copies please? She is in a coma, I have Devon, but any legal documents you have would be helpful."

"Yes, I have a package, I can send it to you priority courier. Thank you for calling us and I hope she is going to be okay. Can you keep me updated? Dr. Tracy is an important part of our team."

"Sure. Can you tell me what the directions say? She didn't say anything to me about being on her list."

"Hm, most of it is in sealed envelopes, with your name on them, to be given to you if the need arises. But, I will say Dr. Carter, we have a copy of the boy's birth certificate as he was born on the base. You are noted as the father on the certificate, so you have parental rights, Dr. Tracy wanted to make sure if something happened the boy would get into your custody. You said you have custody of the boy?"

"Yes, she was awake when she came into the ER but she has not woken up from surgery. I have Devon, the Social Worker on her case heard her say she wanted me to take him. They know me here, so they called and I picked him up."

"You will have more definitive documents in the package I am sure, but I can fax you a copy of the birth certificate now along with her parents contact information, they are her other emergency contacts. I will make sure this gets out priority if you give me all you information."

John gave the CO his and Wendall's contact information along with the fax number then finally hung up.

"He is going to priority courier what he has. He told me I am on her emergency contact list and they have a copy of the birth certificate. Which is probably what is coming in now." The fax machine was already ringing.

"You are going to want to see this." Wendall handed him the birth certificate. "Devon was born on the base in Germany, and she listed you as his father on the certificate. We'll still let the testing get done since you have been into the clinic, but I guess your questions are answered, Harper believed Devon was your son."

"That's what the CO said too, there are directions on file there to hand Devon over to me if anything happened to Harper. That pretty much says it all. I wish I could ask her why she didn't just tell me, and I hope I get the chance, but for now, this will do. I have parental rights to Devon, I'll take care of him until Harper…is better. I hope she gets better, he needs his mom."

"I'm not going to argue with that, I don't need to do anything more now that it is established you are indeed his father. I will put this on file, and case closed. What if she doesn't get better John, it sounds like you are willing to take him permanently?"

"Of course, he's my child, if she doesn't recover, then I will do what I need to do. Susan and I talked last night, she will support whatever I need to do. No matter what, I am going to be getting joint custody and visitation, Harper owes me that. Even if I have to fly to Germany to do it, it will be happening."

Wendall gave a small smile. "Okay, I believe it, I know you have the resources and I am not surprised really. Stubborn and determined, that is you for sure. And what about on the off chance that the DNA testing comes back that he isn't yours?"

"What would happen? I mean, I get the results, not you right? If I am on the birth certificate, and I don't submit the test results to you, could he still stay with me? I mean, it is a pretty good chance he's mine, but on the off chance...she put me on the birth certificate, there are apparently documents that shows she wanted me to take him. If he's not mine, we may never know who his father is, what if I just wanted to keep him anyway?"

Wendall observed him silently for a moment.

"You don't have to show me the results John, those are for you, given we have the birth certificate. If Harper does not make it through, I can't see why anyone would challenge you legally. I think we should just say right now, you are not going to share the DNA results with me. It is pretty obvious Harper wanted you to be the one to take her son, and I know you will give him a good home no matter what. She doesn't have anyone else to turn to and it appears she wanted you to be his legal guardian. We have established parental rights, I would just leave it at that." Wendall watched him.

"Okay, good to know."

"How would Susan feel about that?"

"Fine. We talked about a lot of stuff last night. What I plan to do is acknowledge him as my son, based on the birth certificate. The truth is, it is no different than us adopting Ava, we can love him no matter if he is biologically mine or not. I would never forgive myself for letting him go into the foster system, I care about Harper too much to allow it. Susan understands totally, she said we would look after him in any case until Harper is well enough to properly care for him. Whether he is mine or not, Harper wanted me to take him, or she would not have put me on the birth certificate."

Wendall smiled warmly. "I have to say, this is probably the best case I've had all year. As weird as it has been, given the fact you are my ex-boyfriend, I am glad I took the case. There is hope for humanity after all. I hope Harper gets better of course, but the fact that you and Susan are so willing to take this little boy, no matter what, it makes my job worth doing."

"Just who we are Wendall. Glad you are on board with my plan, we only want what is best for Devon. I should check in on Harper, would you mind watching Devon for a bit? I will try not to be long."

"Sure, I have some work to do right here in my office, I should call Harper's parents now I have the numbers, he can keep me company, I know where to find you."

John left the office and went up to the ICU. He smiled at the nurse.

"Hi Shirley."

"Dr. Carter. Long-time no see. What can I do for you?"

"I was hoping to see Harper Tracy., has she woken up yet?"

"No, she hasn't. You know it is usually family only, but no one has been in."

"Her parents are in Boston and not well, she has no siblings. She lives in Germany and was just here visiting. I'm the closest she has to family in Chicago. I know the drill Shirley, I just really want to check on her."

"Okay, you can see her. The poor girl needs a visitor and you know what you are doing."

"Thank you."

She cleared him through, taking him to the room. He took a deep breath and went in, she was surrounded by machines, and still on a ventilator. He slowly approached the bed, looking at how peaceful and serene she seemed.

"Harper." He pulled up a chair close to the bed and picked up her hand which lay limply at her side. He rubbed gently, then held it between his own. "Hey honey, you need to wake up. Devon needs you, Harper, you need to be here for him."

He was quiet for a moment, thinking about all the times they had been together how much life she always showed. He inhaled shakily.

"He's beautiful, I was kind of surprised to meet him, he is my son right Harper? Why didn't you tell me, you know that I would want to be part of his life, and I don't understand you not telling me you were pregnant. He's amazing, I love him already. He is living with Susan and I until you get better, he only had a tiny little cut, so he is just fine. But he misses you, I can tell, he wants his mommy."

"I called the Air Force base and they are worried about you too. They are going to send me some papers. I wish you had told me Harper, I would have liked to know about our son. You know I would never take him away from you, you need to wake up and talk to me. We need you here."

He sighed and sat quietly for a few minutes.

"Remember how great the trip to Italy was? We had so much fun, and all those stolen weekends all over Europe, those were so great. Darfur…well not so pretty there, but something beautiful still came out of it, we made a baby. You wanted him, didn't you? Our son? When you found out? I know we weren't in love, but I still loved you, Harper, and I am glad you had him, he's so beautiful. This is so hard, please don't do this honey, I can't lose another person, you need to wake up. Harper, we need you here. Our son needs you, don't give up."

He sat for a while longer, listening to the beeps of the machines, finally aware that someone was behind him in the room. He started and looked quickly over his shoulder.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." Shirley had come in to check on Harper. She looked at the readouts and made some notes on the chart. "No change, she is stable, the scans were all good. She still has a good chance of coming out of it, it has only been a few hours."

"Thanks. Could you call me if there is any change? And can I come back and see her tomorrow?"

Shirley nodded. "Yes. I think it is good for her to have visitors, we never know if they can hear us or not. You were talking to her earlier right?"

"Yeah, I wonder if it gets through or not, but, if it does it might help. It can't hurt to let her know that someone is with her. Wendall is trying to get hold of her parents, but I don't know if they are well enough to come down here."

"She has a little boy too? I heard she came in with a child, is he okay?"

"Yes, he's fine, he only had a really minor cut, he will be fine, I just hope Harper wakes up. Her son, Devon, is with Susan and I right now."

Shirley smiled. "Good, that will bring some peace of mind, I am sure she knows you are taking good care of him."

John stood. "Speaking of which, I left him with Wendall, I should get him home, out of this hospital, not a great place for a toddler, he is going to be bored. I will be back tomorrow." He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

John went back down to the Social Services office, finding it empty.

"She went down the ER, took the little boy with her, he is adorable." One of the nurses saw him checking Wendall's office.

"Thanks."

John went downstairs.

"Hey boss." Gates glanced up as he came in. "What are you doing here?"

"Visiting a friend. Wendall around here?"

Abby was at the admit desk and gave a little snort as Gates pointed.

"She went into the lounge, the nurses were all over her with that cute little kid she has with her. She is keeping him entertained."

"Thanks." He wandered across, he knew Abby was watching him as he pushed into the lounge.

"John, all done?"

"Yeah, no change, but Shirley is going to make a note to call me if anything changes. I'll come and see her again tomorrow. I know they don't like anyone coming in who is not family, but Shirley was good about it as Harper doesn't have family here and she knows me. Did you get hold of her parents."

"Yes, they are pretty upset about their daughter, but on the other hand they are relieved that we didn't have to put Devon in foster care. I told them we had located you and placed him in your care, and he is doing well. I let them talk to him on the phone." She handed him a paper. "They want you to call them? Sooner rather than later would be good, they are not very well, they don't know if they can get down here anytime soon. I guess Harper was supposed to take Devon up to see them while she was in the States, but she didn't get there yet."

"Okay, I will call as soon as I can. How was Devon?"

She smiled. "Really good, but he was getting tired of my office so we decided on a field trip. The nurses were all over him, but they got called back out to the ER. He is a sweet kid, John. So damn cute, if you ever need a babysitter…"

John laughed. "Well, I will keep that in mind, but you realize with Dev we have 5 kids right? The oldest is 7, so…you might want to rethink that offer. But when I come in to the hospital to check on Harper I will bring him by, if you're not busy. Or if you really just want to take Devon, I would allow that too.

"Ah yes, 5 kids, that one still floors me, now you have 4 kids under the age of 3 years old. That's insane."

"That is why we have a nanny, most of the time it's okay, but sometimes they all want something at once and it get a little crazy. Plus it's easier than daycare."

"How did that even happen, three under the age of 1?"

"Well, we had a chance to adopt Ava, we were planning on just one. So we said yes, then not even a month later we find out Susan's pregnant, then first ultrasound we find out we are having twins. So, it all kind of happened really fast. Of course there was always the chance the birth mother was going to back out, so I guess in some ways it was fine, actually it is fine, a little baby overload for the first couple of years but we have the resources, I am mostly working from home, Susan is going back to work full time, she took a job she loves at the Center, so I actually have been job sharing with her while she took a bit of time off."

"Ah, nice, taking some time off."

"She needed it, having twins was not easy for her. And I kind of needed to take the time too, I was doing a shift or so a week here, but when we adopted Ava we decided I would leave County. I'm on two boards, I have been doing some publishing, and I am going to volunteer at the Center, plus I job share with Susan. On top of trying to spend time with the kids. I keep pretty busy. I still work, just not the crazy shifts I used to, I had to slow down after I came home from Darfur."

"You are a busy guy though, and now with a two year old."

"That's okay, it is kind of strange, it was only two years ago I never thought I would even end up having kids, and now I have 5, that is so surreal. Anyway, I told Susan I would be home early enough to get Cosmo from school, so I should go. Thanks for your help with Devon."

"Anytime John, really, I would be happy to take him anytime. Oh, left his coat in my office, so I will walk you back upstairs to get it."

"Perfect." He took the little boy out of her arms, and he wrapped his tiny arms around John's neck.

"It seems he had already bonded with you."

"I guess I am his life line, he has barely let me out of his sight since I took him home. Surprised I got a shower in, but Susan is great with kids too."

They left the lounge, he could see Abby still watching, with Morris at the board. He gave a little wave.

Morris was watching them as they started up the stairs.

"He still has the kid, what is going on there? He and Wendall seem to be inseparable all of the sudden."

Gates shrugged. "Wendall said he went to see Harper in ICU, he can't take a toddler in there, so she watched Devon. Damn cute kid, sure looks like Dr. Carter, at least I think so."

"Yeah, I am sure the kid is his son. Did you see the passport? Middle name…John. Devon John Tracy, the kid is just over 2, old girlfriend, lives in Germany? Not too far from France, now is it?" Morris took a name off the board. "Would take bets on it, his kid, named after him even. Looks like him, about the right age from when he lived in Europe and Africa, Harper kept asking for him, Haleh knew who she was talking about pretty damn quick, they were medical students here at County together, they dated for several months until she was transferred away from Chicago."

"Mmhm, make sense. Seems like between him and Lewis they don't have a family so much as a tribe, what is that five kids with this new one? And 4 of them under 3 years old. Must be a fun house to live in...NOT."

Morris laughed. "I don't know, I think I would kind of like it. I don't have kids at home, and anyways, they have a nanny right? He has money, a lot of money. They can hire help anytime they need it. I bet Dr. Lewis doesn't mind at all, no house cleaning. She is a lucky woman from what I can see."


	27. What If You

Susan opened the door to a striking woman in military dress, her cap tucked under her arm, a bag slung over her shoulder.

"Hi, can I help you?"

"Sorry to disturb you ma'am, does Dr. John Carter live here?"

Susan nodded, recognizing that the uniform was Air Force and probably had something to do with Harper Tracy.

"He does, but he is not home at the moment."

"Do you know when he might be home? My name is Crystal, I met him in Germany, I'm a friend of Dr. Tracy."

"About an hour or so probably, but I can phone him, why don't you come in? You've come a long way." Susan stepped back in the doorway and motioned for the woman to step inside.

"Thank you ma'am."

Susan smiled at the formality. "Please call me Susan, I'm John's wife."

It still sounded strange to her, saying that she was John's wife, it had only been a couple weeks of course, and over time she thought it would probably be less strange.

"Susan, nice to meet you. This is a very nice home you have."

"Please make yourself comfortable, can I offer you something to drink?" Susan led her into the kitchen. "Have a seat."

"Coffee would be great. I am a bit tired, long flight from Germany." She sat gratefully, smiling as she noted the three very young children playing in the living room. "Wow, they are adorable. How old?"

"Ava is just coming up on a year, and the twins are almost 6 months. They are getting busy, Ava just learned to walk and the twins just learned to crawl, so we are running like crazy to keep up with them." She measured out coffee and soon had the machine running. "Excuse me one second, I'll call John and see how long he is going to be."

Crystal watched the kids play, wondering where Devon was, she was like his aunt, and she missed the boy desperately. Susan was back quickly.

"He just left the hospital, he should be home in less than half an hour. He was just going to pick up my son from school on the way."

"Perfect." She quickly dug in her bag and pulled out a large envelope. "My Captain asked if I could deliver this to John while I was here? He had a bunch of legal documents on file that he promised to send along. Can I ask, do you know how Harper is doing?"

"Last I heard she still had not woken up, but John was just in to see her. He has been going over every day, takes Devon with him in case she wakes up."

"How is Dev, is he okay? He is a bit like my nephew, I've known him since he was born, Harper and I are good friends."

Susan could hear the concern in the woman's voice and thought she might share a bit before John got back.

"Okay, physically he is great, but emotionally, well, one of the reason's John takes him is that he still is upset, missing his mom. As you can see I kind of have my hands full with three young babies, and Devon is quite clingy, wants to be held a lot. John doesn't want to leave him with me right now, as he knows how much attention he needs, and I simply can't give it to him right now. It is kind of good, they are having some bonding time, Devon is quite attached to John already."

Crystal nodded. "That is good, if Devon can't have his mom, then at least he has his daddy. I never agreed with Harper on that, she should have told him right away, but it was a bit complicated."

Susan poured coffee and put out cream and sugar, doctoring up her own cup while Crystal added a bit of sugar to her mug.

"So John is for sure Devon's father?"

Crystal furrowed her brow. "Does John doubt it? I mean, Harper was pretty adamant when we talked that John was his dad, I am not aware that she had been with anyone else. They were pretty tight for a few months, they were getting together quite often…sorry." Crystal realized that this might be sensitive to Susan, being his wife.

"It's okay Crystal, I know it went on for a while, their affair. I know they dated back when they were med students, I knew her back then too, I was a resident on the same ER."

"Yes, Harper mentioned it to me, she found out John was with you and said she was surprised. Anyway, Harper had no reason to lie to me about John being Devon's father, I never judged her…well maybe aside from the keeping it secret part. I get things changed a lot in John's life in a short time, but still, having a guy's kid and not telling them is not something I personally subscribe to, though she had her reasons."

"John seems pretty certain that it all fits, but I guess I worry that some woman is going to try and take advantage that way."

"Why, because he's loaded? And a nice guy too, maybe a bit too nice, right?"

"Well, yes. He is a bit of a target that way."

"Harper isn't like that Susan, she never was, or she would have been all over him for child support. She's not materialistic. I don't know what John has told you, but Harper…didn't even think she could have kids, it is a miracle she carried Devon to term."

Susan shook her head. "He didn't tell me that, I don't even know if she would have told him that."

"Oh, no she did. The three weeks they spent in Italy she said they talked about pretty much everything in their lives. I don't know if they have a lot of secrets from each other to be honest, not after that initial time together. Sounds like it was quite the trip, I can only imagine, convertible sports car, nice hotels, they went everywhere, Monte Carlo, Florence, Rome, Venice, Capri, the Amalfi Coast. I was stinking jealous when she got back, living the life of the rich a famous. Visited his sister Barbie, her husband owns some mega yacht and they spent at least a couple days on the boat. Sickening really, but date a rich guy and life is pretty sweet I suppose. Of course you knew that, you married him."

Italy. Three weeks. Susan tried not to react to that news, he had told her about Darfur, but not Italy. Damn, they really went to town with the affair. That meant at least 6 weeks in total time, plus perhaps some other visits? She was not sure.

Susan shook it off, she could see Crystal looking at her funny.

"You didn't know about the three weeks in Italy. John is not going to be happy with me, I hope you don't get too pissed off with him."

Susan shook her head. "No, I didn't know, but I didn't want details, and to be fair, I can't get all bent out of shape with him.  He wasn't with me at the time.  I knew about the affair, just not the extent of it. He said it was about four months off and on, three weeks of it Darfur. So another three in Italy, and what else? They saw each other a lot right?"

"Yes, they met different places in Europe, he visited her in Germany, they kind of picked different spots each time, whenever she had three days off together they would get together. I feel like a tattle tale, but it was…kind of a dream relationship in some ways. Switzerland, Spain, Belgium, France, they met all these different spots, and it was fairly frequent. She went through a bad time too, her husband cheated, she walked in on him and a woman who was supposed to be a good friend. John found out his wife had been cheating. They understood each other, they knew each other, trusted each other. She has kind of blown the trust part of it, not telling him about Devon. That has to be difficult for John."

"It must be. It is a fine line for me, how much do I want to know? After all, this is about my husband being with another woman, even if we were not together at the time. Someone I know he cares about, someone I know, even if it was before he and I were together. Not easy to hear, am I competing with her for him?"

Crystal shook her head. "No. Susan, don't even think that it is a competition. If they were going to be together in that way, they would have been long ago. They love each other, but not in the lets get married and be together forever sense. She won't give up her career and he won't live on an Air Force Base, he would have to be traveling back and forth a lot, he would not have given up medicine either."

"No he wouldn't stop being a doctor, even now he is still practicing medicine, but volunteering rather than in the County ER." Susan looked at Crystal keenly. "So she didn't think she could have a baby, but she did give birth to Devon, he was not adopted, correct?"

"Yes, she found out she was pregnant, and she was quite emotional about it. Worried, because she had miscarried several times before, not sure if she should even try to have the baby. She thought about terminating, not sure if she could go through another miscarriage, but in the end she couldn't do it, couldn't go through with terminating. Partly because she thought this time it might be her miracle, and partly because she simply could not stand the thought of doing that to John's baby, she cares about him too much. If it had been someone else she'd been with, maybe she would have gone through with it. And good thing she reconsidered, Devon was perfect when he was born, a little small and a tiny bit early but he was really lovely. It was a long tough 9 months, but she hung in there and she ended up with a gorgeous little boy."

"How many other babies did she lose?"

"At least 3 or 4 that I am aware of, she would generally make it to about 4 or 5 months and then it would happen. The longest she carried was about 6 months, so that she got almost the full 9 with Devon really was a miracle. A lot of pampering and bed rest, and she was a bit early, but he had just a short NICU stay and came home 10 days after he was born. She so desperately wanted a baby, Devon was not planned but a happy accident…for her anyways, not sure if John concurs. Why she carried almost full term this time I do not know, but she calls him her angel, she loves that little boy so much."

"I understand really wanting a child. That must have been devastating, losing so many babies, I am surprised she even wanted to try to have Devon. He is a sweet little boy though, it's only been a couple days and he is already the darling of the ER. The Social Worker who was there when Harper came in is nuts over him, and the nurses, my goodness, John is worried one of them will try to take Devon home with them."

"The ER? Why so much interest from the staff?"

"Um, John worked there for a really long time before he went overseas, and he was there part time for a while when he came back, so he knows a ton of people at County. As he can't take Devon into the ICU, Wendall takes Devon and often goes down to the ER with him, and the nurses fuss over him. Wendall is the Social Worker."

Susan did not add that Wendall was also John's ex-girlfriend and Susan was struggling with the amount of time she was currently spending with John and Devon. Jealousy. Susan was fighting with it almost daily right now, and she knew she had to get it out in the open, talk to John but she was worried about starting an argument with him. He was stressed out already, and she didn't want to add to that right now.

"So he is getting lots of attention."

"Oh yes, between John and I, plus the crew over at County he is getting a lot of love."

"I can't wait to see him, he has been gone for a couple weeks, I miss the little guy."

Susan heard the front door open and Cosmo bounced into the kitchen giving Susan a hug, dropping his backpack on the floor. Susan introduced him to Crystal quickly then made him hang up his bag and coat properly.

"Crystal." John came in following a wobbly legged Devon.

"I don't know who to hug first." She threw her arms around John and he embraced her warmly, then she turned and scooped up Devon. "Little man, I have missed you."

"Auntie." Devon patted her cheek and grinned.

"Right Auntie Crystal had to come see you my sweet. You being good for daddy?"

Devon pointed at John. "Daddy."

"Right, that is your daddy."

"Hungry, auntie."

John put Devon into the high chair and fixed a snack, letting Crystal spend some time with him while he went to see the babies who were now clamoring for his attention. Once he'd had a chance to spend a few minutes with the kids, he poured a coffee and sat beside Crystal.

"How is she John?"

"No change. She is triggering the vent and they were taking her off…but still not waking up, even though the scans show good brain activity. I guess we just wait and hope she wakes up soon."

"Hm, I was hoping she'd be awake by now, but at least there is still a chance. I brought you some papers. The Captain asked me to give you the envelope, there is one sealed with your name on it. I'm sorry, I told her she should call you, but…you know Harper. I wished she'd told you about Devon." She was holding Devon on her lap.

"Yeah I do know Harper, she's stubborn and if she thinks something is the right way, you won't convince her otherwise. Not your fault Crystal, I just wish I could find out why."

"You can. There's a letter for you in there…or should be, she wrote one. She wanted to explain herself if something ever happened."

Susan could see his brow furrow, then he picked up the envelope and opened it, digging through and finding the sealed on with his name on the front. He ripped it open and pulled out a few more papers, one was handwritten.

John stared at the handwriting for a moment, definitely Harper's. He started to read.

_Dear John,_

_If you are reading this, something has happened to me. I have left a whole file with my work, of course they are used to handling all of this, given our jobs can be a bit high risk. I know you understand that, given where you have volunteered._

_If you don't know by now, less than 9 months after I left Darfur I gave birth to a son…our son. Devon John Tracy. I know that you understand my history with babies, I lost several during my marriage, so when I found out I was pregnant I was scared. I was not sure I could go through carrying a child just to lose them at 4 or 5 months. I made the appointment to terminate, but I couldn't go through with it John, part of me could not let go of the chance to have a child. Especially our child, conceived in the middle of a war zone, but with love, giving up a child made with so much love felt wrong._

_Now I see the result, I am so very glad I didn't, it was a rough pregnancy but he's perfect, and beautiful, my angel, and my miracle._

_I love him so much John, and I thank you every day for this gift, my son…our son. I am so sorry for not telling you, at first I didn't want to put you through it. I could have never told you that I had terminated a pregnancy, but then I couldn't do it anyways. Next I was worried about losing the baby, and given what happened with your son, I didn't want to do that to you either, the longest I ever carried a child was six months, and the heartbreak…there are no words…you told me that, because you understand this too._

_Then he was born, and it was amazing, holding him in my arms, and I wanted to tell you, but when I called the camp they said you were gone. At first I thought the worst but I finally talked to Debbie and she said you had gotten really sick. That you had been sent to Nairobi, then back to the US for treatment. That you were not coming back to Africa._

_I had wondered why you didn't call me, at first I was hurt, but then again I was avoiding you to an extent, hiding the fact I was pregnant. Then I find out that you were sick, and I had not known, and I wish I could have been there. I thought many times about coming to see you, bringing our son, but then I heard you were divorcing Kem, and seeing someone else seriously. You were happy, and I simply could not interfere in that, I know you too well._

_You would have been on a plane, and you would have wanted to be part of his life. I know you would be such a great daddy, but I have kept an eye on your life, and I know that now you are a daddy. Not just to our Devon, but to some sweet babies of your own. I have kept tabs on you, sorry if that feels stalkerish, but Debbie and I talk sometimes and she says you have three babies now, one adopted daughter and a set of twins, a boy and a girl, along with a stepson. With Susan Lewis no less. That gave me pause, you and Lewis, wow. I remember her, she was great, and I bet you are happy, you always had a crush on her, I could tell. And I am so incredibly happy for you John, I don't ever want to mess that up when you are finally where you want to be._

_I never told Debbie about Devon, it has been my closely guarded secret, I have only told those closest to me who Devon's daddy is, but I did put your name on the birth certificate, just in case. I never thought I could even have a baby, but you gave me that gift. I expected to be overseas for a long time, unlikely I would ever be living in Chicago again. Though to be fair, I knew one day I should tell you, I just am so fearful that Susan won't understand, and I don't want to ruin your life John. Did you tell her about our affair? I just don't know, it makes things complicated._

_However, you know I don't have a lot of family and I knew if something happened to me then you would need to be told about Devon. And I hope that you and Susan can accept him into your lives, that you will take him in and be his family. I love you John, I always have and I hate to do anything to hurt you, but it seemed like a no win situation, tell you and hurt you or keep it from you and maybe someday you would find out about your son and be hurt because I didn't tell you._

_That time we spent together was special, I will never forget, it was hot and passionate and simply wonderful. I know we both needed it, it helped me heal, to feel loved and wanted again. Maybe it did the same for you, I really hope so, it feels a little like we are soul mates who have drifted too far apart. I hope it helped both of us get over the betrayal by those we loved, those we thought loved us in return. Know that I do love you and I always will, I have loved you forever it seems._

_We both know it could never have worked long term, you would not have been happy living here under the strict Air Force guidelines, and I could not give up my career either, it has been hard won, and I love what I do. I know you understand me, because you love being a doctor as much as I do, and I know you had to work hard to get where you are too._

_I also know you need to be in the States now, Debbie kind of let it slip how seriously ill you were. I wish I had gotten you out of there sooner John, you didn't need that in your life, you have survived so much, I was worried for you. I thought about you all the time as I have watched our son grow._

_John, please take care of our angel, he gave me much happiness, and forgive me for not sharing him with you. I know you have found much happiness too, with Susan and your children, and I hope you don't begrudge me the joy Devon has brought into my life. Selfish I know, to keep him all to myself, I knew you would want to be part of his life, which would have been complicated with me in Germany and you in Chicago. But, I give him over to you gratefully, lovingly, and begging for your forgiveness. Don't let him forget me, John, please don't forget what we had, as fleeting as it was._

_I love you, always and forever._

_Harper_

John sat and stared at the letter for the longest time. He could feel the tears well up, and knew he was ready to break down completely. He could feel Susan's eyes on him as he ran his hand over his face, not quite sure how to feel. She had almost terminated the pregnancy, and if she had, he would never have known. He picked up the papers and walked out of the room, shutting himself in the office, he needed to have a few minutes to collect himself and collect his thoughts.

She had kept their son a secret and he was not really sure how to feel about it now that he knew her reasoning. He felt the tears trickle down his face, 'damn it Harper' was all he could think. Why could you not tell me about my child? He felt devastated all over again, the burn of betrayal from someone he had shared so much with over those four months. Saying good bye to her that last time not knowing it was the last time they would be together as lovers, not knowing of the life they had created.

He remembered how he had called her and talked to her about getting together again and how she had blown him off. Told him no, she couldn't get the time off, how she kept making excuses and he had finally just given up. Thinking that it had to be him, of course Harper didn't want to be with him. And she really didn't apparently, she had found out she was pregnant and didn't want him there. Didn't even give him the courtesy of a 'by the way', she had just made all the decisions herself.

Then he'd gotten sick and been airlifted out of Darfur, and by the time he came back to Chicago, and he had not heard from her, he figured she was just done and didn't want to talk to him. That he had done something, or she had come to the realization that she could never really love him and it was time to move on. So he had not called her to say where he was, he thought she just didn't care, after all, what woman in his life had stuck around? None of them, no one, not until Susan.

He had been burying how he felt, busy just trying to get through the days, but his heart ached. He had missed the first two years of his son's life. He had thought he might never have a child at all, and Harper knew that, so her keeping Devon from him hurt even more. Her letter was all about how much she cared about him, but he had a hard time believing it. In fact he was having a hard time believing any woman in his life had ever actually loved him. They all left eventually, or betrayed him somehow, and now Harper was no different.

He pulled another envelope out of his pocket, taking a deep breath then ripping it open. He scanned the paper, knowing before he even read it what it would reveal. The test was conclusive, the DNA results proved he was Devon's father.

Not that he had really doubted it, but still…Susan had been right, he needed to verify it, Harper had not told him, and it was hard to swallow. If she recovered, they were going to have a big problem, he was not going to want Devon to be in Europe so far away, growing up without him. Yet he could not take the boy away from Harper either, Devon was her only child, probably the only child she would ever have.

He tipped his head back, laying on the couch in his office, staring at nothing, trying not to think too hard, but knowing the worst might be yet to come.

Susan could see he was upset about something, but she let him go as he disappeared and she heard the door close, knew he needed a few minutes.

"Sorry, he is not like this usually."

Crystal gave a half shrug. "I know, Susan, we've met before when he was in Frankfurt. He's upset, something that Harper said in that letter is bothering him right? I get it, this has been a bomb dropped in the middle of his life, I told her, you need to just tell John the truth, but nope, she had to be stubborn. If she wakes up I don't know how it is going to go with the two of them, he has a right to be angry. And if she tries to take Devon back to Germany…what is going to happen then?"

Susan frowned slightly. "I never thought of it that way, for me the jury was still out on finding out if he was for sure his father. But you're right, this is hard on him, he trusted Harper, and she kept a pretty big secret from him. As far as taking Devon back to Hahn? I have no idea how he will handle it, he has become attached to Devon, from the first minute he believed Devon was his son, in fact he didn't even question, he just showed up with him. I think she was intending that if he found out, she was gone, never to return. Now he knows but she might get better and want to take Devon back to Hahn? That is going to kill him."

Crystal nodded. "Yeah, this is a no win situation, if she doesn't get better, Devon loses his mother. If she does, she is going to need to go back to Germany and John loses Devon or he decides to take Devon away from Harper and it will devastate her. He is going to need you Susan, this is complicated, far more than she intended. It would have been easier if he had known when Devon was born, and they could have worked things out, but now it is more difficult. One of them is going to get hurt."

"John won't take Devon away from her. Not if she has been a good mother to him, he's not like that. But I can't see him giving up Devon either, there will be visitation of some sort. Not easy given he and I have kids too, he's not single with no obligations, we're married, we have a family too."

"How long have you been married?"

"About 30 seconds it seems." Susan gave a little laugh. "About 3 weeks. We got married in Maui, came back and this all happens, we had been home less than an hour. He sent me home, then comes home with a toddler, telling me the kid is his. Not how I wanted to spend the first night home with my new husband, but it is what it is."

"You're still here though."

"Because I love him. I can't walk away because Harper didn't tell him about his son, which is not his fault. He is a truly fantastic father to our kids, he is great with my son too, and I love him far too much to give up our marriage. Not for something that happened before we were together."

"You are very understanding, Susan. He is lucky to have you, this could bring down a marriage, suddenly having to accept a child into your home. One from a previous relationship."

"An innocent child, one who is very likely my husbands son? I am okay with fact he brought Devon home, I would expect no less of him, that he take responsibility for his child - he is not the deadbeat dad type, and I would never want him to be. He is the most caring and generous man I have ever known, I would never change that, Crystal. It has not been easy, and I am finding out new information but I still love him."

"Why don't you go see if he is okay? I will watch all the kids for a few minutes."

Susan nodded and got to her feet. "Thank you, I am a bit worried about him."

She tread softly down the hall the the office and knocked gently, opening the door. John was laying on the couch, seemingly staring off into space.

"Hey, are you okay?" She stepped in and pushed the door shut gently.

"I don't know, not really I guess." He sat up and rubbed his face, looking unfocused and unhappy.

Susan sat beside him on the couch and pulled him into an embrace, letting him rest his forehead on her shoulder, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck.

"Want to talk about it?"

"I am not sure you want to hear about it. It is asking a lot of you Susan, and I...just don't know how much of this you want to know." John was fearful, if she knew everything, all that had happened between him and Harper, would she leave? Was this the beginning of the end for another relationship? Could he even trust that she really loved him after being betrayed yet again?

"John, you can tell me anything, you know that, right? We have known each other a long time, I am not sure anything you have to say will surprise me. I love you, and the only way we are gong to get through this is if we communicate. Don't shut me out."

He lifted his head and studied her face for a minute, then handed her the test results. "I got these just before you called and told me Crystal was here. I just opened them after I read Harper's letter."

"So it's confirmed, though neither of us are surprised about that part. I figured, the more I see you with him, the more I realize he looks like you, quite a lot." Susan scanned the paper quickly and gave it back to John. "What are you thinking?"

"Too many things right now, it is so unsettled, what if she wakes up and she is going to take him back? But what if she doesn't and Devon loses his mother? How could she not tell me? I kind of get it, but on the other hand I don't, she had to know I would want him as much as she did. It feels like a betrayal, we shared so much and she kept something so important from me, I don't even know how to feel. I'm just...numb right now."

Susan pulled him in closer. "I understand. This is not easy, John, it has been so sudden and you have had so much to deal with. It will work out though, now you know about him, even if she wakes up, you can insist on being part of his life."

"Yeah, right, as he grows up on another continent. This feels like lose-lose-lose. We have...she doesn't wake up, which is bad, she wakes up and takes him back the Germany, which is bad, or I take him away from her, which is bad. No matter what happens, someone is going to lose something, and in all scenarios Devon loses something. He loses her or he loses me."

"No, John. If she wakes up then the two of you will have to figure out a way to make sure your son grows up knowing both of you. People do it all the time."

"Not on two different continents. How is that going to work? I have our family here to think about, as well as Devon. I have to think about the kids we have together too, how this affects them."

"Not too much John. So you have to go visit Devon in Germany, or bring him to the States regularly to visit. We can work that out as a family, so our kids get to know their brother. They will survive just fine, because they will be with you most of the time, and they will know you love them."

John just nodded, not really knowing what to say.

"John, can I ask you, what did she say? Why did she not tell you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know Susan, she writes a letter that is a load of crap, expects me to believe it? Who knows what went through her head. Right now I wish I had never met her."

Susan frowned, she was having a hard time getting a read on what he was really thinking. He was glossing over something, hiding his true feelings about it by being glib.

"So, she didn't say why?"

He sighed and picked up the letter, handing it to her.

"Go ahead, read it, it means nothing. Who's watching the kids?"

"Crystal. I hope that is okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine, I know she and Harper are close. I'll take her to the hospital and see if Shirley will let her in to see Harper. She can spend some time with her." He stood up, leaving the package from Germany on the desk.

"You sure you are okay with me reading this?"

He shrugged again. "Yes, it's fine. Like you don't already know what went on? I'll put Devon down for a nap, then take Crystal to the hospital, if that's okay."

"Should we invite her to stay with us? She seems attached to Devon, maybe she would like to spend some time with him while she's here."

"If you like. We have the guest room."

Susan nodded, and tucked the letter in her pocket for later. John was acting funny all of the sudden, she was a bit worried.

"Hey." She grabbed his hand before he got to the door. "John, I love you. When you are ready to talk about whatever is really bothering you, I'm here." Susan placed her hand against his face. "I can tell something is not right with you, but I'm here, don't forget that."


	28. Stand By Me

Susan got Crystal settled into the guest room while John put Devon and the babies down for their naps.

Soon afterwards he left, taking Crystal with him, heading for the hospital. He wanted to give her a chance to see Harper, and honestly, he was grateful for the break. It had all happened so fast, and he was feeling resentful at the moment, the last thing he wanted to do was to sit with Harper.

He could feel Crystal watching him.

"You okay?" She finally broke the silence.

"Fine, just tired." He didn't want to get into things with Crystal, she was going to be on Harpers side, and he didn't want to hear it right now. Her actions to him seemed indefensible.

They made a bit of small talk, but Crystal was not sure she should get into it with John. He was quiet, unusually so from what she remembered.

"She loves you, she really does. I didn't agree with her decision to not tell you about Devon, but I know she cared a lot. She felt like he was the biggest gift in the world, and she struggled with the decision, she didn't want to hurt you."

"I don't want to talk about it, please leave it alone." He didn't say anything further, and they rode the rest of the way to County in silence.

Crystal figured he just needed a bit of time, he was dealing with a lot right now, the uncertainty of what was going to happen, he must be thinking of the repercussions both if Harper woke up, or if she didn't.

Susan watched the door close, John had been loving with the babies as usual, nothing had changed with how he was with the kids, but something else sure had. She was curious to read the letter, though in some ways it felt like opening Pandora's Box. She sat for a few minutes before she opened and read it.

She sat numbly for a while afterwards, feeling like she had just read a love letter to her husband. She had just read a love letter to him, yet he had said Harper had written a bunch of crap. Susan felt the tears threatening, the woman was in love with him, it was very obvious. Was that why he was so bothered? That he was losing the woman who loved him, and the one he loved?

Was he regretting marrying her? She could have sworn the feeling between them were real, but what if they weren't? What if he had just settled for her, he was hiding his true feelings, now Harper was back in his life?

Fortunately the kids were soon up from their naps and she was busy for a couple hours with them, keeping them busy with a bit of help from Cosmo. Finally John got back, looking tired and out of sorts.

"Where's Crystal?" Susan gave hime a quick kiss as he came in the door.

"She decided to stat at the hospital and sit with Harper for a bit longer. Sorry I took so long, I had to stop at the Centre for a bit on the way home and pick up some paperwork."

"It's okay, we had fun with all the kids, Cosmo was a big help."

"Good."

John spent some time with the kids, and they got through dinner and bath time, and story time, but he was still withdrawn and kind of grouchy.

Crystal came back around 9 pm, and said good night not long after, being still quite jet lagged.

"So how is she?" Susan pulled the sleep shirt over top of her head, looking over at John as he stared at the same page of his journal for what seemed like the last half hour.

"Hm? What?" He asked absently.

"Harper, how is she?" Susan had been trying to make conversation with him for the last hour and all she was getting was one or two words out of him.

"No change." He said shortly, going back to staring at the article.

Susan sighed heavily, marching over to the bed and ripping the journal out of his hands, tossing it onto the floor.

"What the hell?" He finally looked at her. "What was that about?"

Susan straddled his legs over the bedding, grabbing his chin firmly and making him look into her eyes.

"That is me getting your attention. You have been distracted and ornery ever since you opened that package, and I don't appreciate you taking it out on me John Carter. You and I need to talk."

"About what?" He said softly.

"What do you think? About why you are acting so strange. You're scaring me." Susan inhaled deeply. "You're in love with her."

John frowned. "With who?"

"Harper. She writes you a love letter, and you are acting all weird and you won't even look at me."

"Love letter? An excuse letter maybe, but that was not a love letter."

"You are so fucking blind. She said it like 10 times John, she said she loves you." Susan finally let the tears come, she had been fighting them all night, now they were overflowing, her soft green eyes becoming red and puffy as she let them course down her face. She sniffled slightly and made to move off of him. "Never mind, forget I said anything."

She felt his hands grasp her arms gently, holding her where she was.

"No. I won't forget it, you are really upset. Please, don't cry. I don't love her, I'm pissed off. She betrayed me, she spouts all this shit in a letter, she knew how I felt, and she didn't tell me about our son. That's not a love note, it's a pack of fucking lies, she lied to me, I trusted her and she…broke that trust and I don't believe a word she says now. Susan, I'm in love with you. I married you, we have a family and I love you. But I understand if this is too much, I get it."

"You understand? What do you understand?" She heard his voice get soft at the end, the hesitation there.

"If you can't do this, if you can't…deal with this shit. It's always going to be something, there is never going to be a time where I can just be happy and have a normal life. Everything was so good, and now…Harper is fucking it up."

"It still is good, it still can be good John. I love you, and unless you don't love me, I am not going anywhere. Do you hear me? I love you, how many times do I have to say it."

She could see the slight furrow of his brow and he closed his eyes for a moment.

John was thinking how ironic this was all of the sudden. He was sitting here having a conversation that he'd had before, but not with Susan. It was the 'I love you, how many times do I have to say it', that hit him. He was denying Susan's feelings like Abby had always denied his. She had constantly shut him out, told him to run, that her life was too messed up, that he could not possibly love her and want to be with her. Her inability to show her feelings, her constant pushing him, the total non-acceptance that he could actually care about her, love her, destroyed everything.

When he opened his eyes again, he could see the confusion in Susan's eyes, the pain he was causing her. He still had a hold of her arms, he let his hands slide down to the dip in her waist, still holding her firmly in place. He did not want her to walk away.

"I love you too. I hear you, and I love you too. I don't want you to go anywhere, I need you here, you are my rock, my strength, you're everything."

Susan felt one hand as it left her waist, the gentle stroke of his thumb across her cheek, brushing away the stray tears.

"Do you mean that?" Susan whispered.

"Every word. I really love you, I love what we have, and you're right, I'm sorry, I have been a total idiot today. I let what someone else has done get in between us, and that was wrong. I'm sorry, I am, and I will try to do better, I know I have to do better. Forgive me?"

Susan stared into the deep chocolate pools of his eyes, searching for truth in his words. His hand was stroking her cheek, she had unconsciously reached out to him, her palms now against his face. She could see her engagement and wedding rings glittering in the dim light, and remembered what he had said to her when he proposed to her. All the conversations they'd had, everything they'd shared since that first night they'd been together.

She leaned in close to him, their lips meeting, his arm wrapping around her, bringing her into him and holding her there as she burrowed into his chest.

"Talk to me, tell me what is really wrong." Susan murmured against him. "She wrote you a letter saying how much she loves you, and you are so angry about it, it makes me think that you are regretting us, John."

"No, Susan, no, absolutely not. I don't regret us for a minute, I will never regret being with you."

"You regret being with Harper, and you cared about her. How am I different?"

John sighed deeply. "What is wrong is I let myself trust someone and they…throw it back at me. I trusted her, but she obviously didn't care enough about me to trust me with our son. She didn't trust me to be able to support her no matter what, and she makes a bunch of sorry excuses in a letter after the fact. If it wasn't for the accident, I still wouldn't know, I might never have known about him. Coming from Harper…it feels like the ultimate betrayal. I'm sorry, it makes me trust women less, but I can't take that out on you, because you aren't the one betraying me, she is."

Susan nodded slightly. "You don't trust women."

"Not particularly, it is a struggle for me, I have had very few women in my life that I actually trust, and Harper was one of them, and now she's not. It hurts in a way I can't describe. It made me pull back, its kind of like being burned, for the millionth time really. It has been a pattern in my life, and I start to think it's me, maybe I am the one messing up and there is a reason why women always leave. I am so sorry, for everything, I keep making a mess of my life, I can't seem to get it together. I feel like I am going to screw it up, that I will eventually, I always do. My mother could not even stick around, what does that say when your mother doesn't even love you enough to be part of your life."

John felt like he was out on a limb, he was admitting all his insecurities yet again, women seemed unable to love him. He had a long list of women, all of whom seemed to want him only for their reasons, a few of which he had given his heart and they had stepped on it. If Susan walked away now, he didn't think he could ever bring himself to let another woman into his heart again. He had truly cared about Abby, but she didn't or couldn't love him back, Kem had loved him or so he thought, but pulled away after Joshua died, and now Harper had hurt him too, though he was not in love with her, he certainly had loved her and opened himself up to her fully. And these were only the most recent women in his life, it went back to his childhood, something he had never really talked about to anyone, even Harper.

"I don't trust men all that much either. My dad waffles about everything and just does what my mom says. Other men have left me, or cheated. The good ones I seem to give up too easily, I wonder what they see in me, and I start to worry about letting them into my heart. I guess what I am saying is I understand John, I do. But you know, what I have come to realize about my parents, is that they should never have been parents at all. Sure, they fed us and clothed us, and they were around, but not supportive of anything we did. Not truly supportive anyways. Chloe turned to substance abuse, I am sure a good part of it was our parents and their lack of interest. That your mother left has nothing to do with you personally, it has to do with her inability to love. I've met her, she is…not affectionate in the least…that is all her John, honestly, I think if that is as warm as she gets, you probably grew into a better person without her."

"Never thought of it that way, but I know I never want to be like that with my own children. We are quite the pair aren't we? Trying to love someone, but never quite trusting that they could really love you? I let myself get hung up on people who I should have let go, given up on long before I did, so now I second guess myself. I started wondering if Harper could say she loved me so easily, yet still do what she did, are they just meaningless words? Kem, saying she cared, and me wanting back something we'd lost, I wanted it back, but we both know how it turned out. Sometimes that is just not possible, and things go away and are gone forever. Love isn't always enough, you can love someone and it might never be enough, and that is the scariest thing in the world to me."

Susan thought about his words, recognizing that this was mostly about his own insecurities, not about him loving Harper, or not loving her. Deep down, she knew he had been hurt too many times, and it was still hard for him to believe that what they had was not going to end badly, with another broken heart. And she understood.

"Sometimes it is enough, recognizing when you have it, when what you have is enough. When you've arrived where you are supposed to be, and you are with the person you should have always been with. There is a reason we gravitate back to each other John. I am convinced that we have found each other again because it's our time, we have lived, we have loved, we have lost, and we have learned from it. Now we are ready to properly love each other, we both know what is at stake, and we both want to make it work. We have our faults, our demons, our insecurities, and that is okay, no one is perfect. I still love you, John with all your imperfections, and maybe I love you more because of them, the knowledge that I don't need to be perfect either. We know each other, we have fallen in love over a really long time, which makes me confident that this is the real thing, you and I, this is it, the relationship we have spent half of our lives looking for and we both need to take the chance and work at this."

"How did you get so smart, Susan. You make way too much sense. So, my vow to you is, I want to be here, with you and I will not give up on us without a fight. I love you with all of your imperfections, and you may never be perfect, but you are perfect for me. I love you and I am sorry for losing sight of what we have, even momentarily, for doubting it."

"I forgive you. I want you to think about something though before you are too hard on Harper. Honestly I think that she really does love you John, I don't think she did this to hurt you."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"I read the letter, it sounded like a love letter to me, I feel she meant it. Maybe the two of you are not in love, but you do love each other and you had something. Don't discount it John, and don't hold onto the resentment you are obviously feeling right now. She told you about her previous pregnancies, right?"

He nodded slowly.

"We told each other a lot. There isn't much that we didn't share really. So yes, I know about the difficulties she went through, an I understand how heartbreaking it was for her."

"Then you can see why she might want to spare you. Go back to how it was losing Joshua, she went through that several times. She didn't want you to go through it again, even if she had to, she made a difficult decision, going forward with having him, knowing it might end up in heartbreak for her…for both of you. And then you had moved on, she knows me John, but not that well. It has been years since I've seen her, she had no way of knowing how I would react and if she truly wanted you to be happy she would not chance ruining your marriage, or relationship as it was at that point. Knowing you'd had children with me? I believe if you were not with someone, she would have told you."

John was quiet, she could see he was taking in what she had said. Seriously thinking about it.

"Am I over reacting? It is so hard to think I missed so much, he over two years old, I missed so much of his life, and now…if she wakes up she is going to take him away again. I don't know if I can deal with it."

"You can and you will, John. You will talk to her like an adult and figure it out. I doubt she is going to cut you out of his life, it doesn't seem like she would want to do that now. She knows you pretty well, right? She won't even think for a moment that you will allow it. I also don't think you are going to take him away from Harper either. It is just not you, John, not even close to who you are."

"I guess you both know me too well, Susan. You're right, I wouldn't be able to take Devon away from Harper, not like that, but I will insist on seeing him. Assuming she gets better. That is the big question here, she hasn't woken up yet, what if she doesn't? Then what?"

"Then I guess we have five kids instead of four, we do already right? I meant it John, you have made room for Cosmo in our lives, and I will do the same for Devon. He is a child who needs both of his parents, and no matter how this goes he will always be welcome in our home. But you already knew that, I would never turn your son away."

She sat up slightly, looking down into his eyes. She was still laying half on top of him, and gave him another kiss.

"I love you, Susan. You have nothing to worry about with Harper, you know that right?"

Susan laughed ruefully.

"Oh I don't know about that, she cares about you quite a lot, John, that letter…you cannot even deny that she loves you. But, I trust you, and I will deal with it."

"No really, you have nothing to worry about, if we were going to be truly together, we would have been a long time ago. I care about her, yes, but we were never going to get married or anything like that."

"You sure took her on a nice trip, I am a bit jealous."

"Trip?" John raised an eyebrow, then narrowed his eyes. "Damn Crystal, she told you about Italy."

"Three weeks, huh. Wow, I only got ten days in Paris."

"And three weeks in Maui. We can do more trips, I would be happy to take you on some extended vacations, but you will have to take time off work, and if you want Cosmo to come we will have to work around school…or home school him for a while."

"I don't want to give up my job, and Cosmo is so happy where he is, I am not sure I have the heart to move him…but you are changing the subject. Very sneaky John. Three weeks in Italy, three weeks in Darfur, you two spent a lot of time together."

"Yeah we did. You are still digging for details?"

Susan shook her head.

"No, but at least you are being honest. I'm kidding John, I love how our life is right now. I know Todd had lots for me to do when I get back. You kept things going while I was off, and I am thankfully in the loop, but, I want to work, at least for now."

"Okay, whatever makes you happy Susan. I've said it before, and I'll say it again…work if you want to, or not if you don't. If you want to just volunteer your time at the Centre or at County, then you know we have the money."

"I know we are both in this for the long haul John, but what if something were to happen? If I gave up my career, how would I survive?"

He outright laughed, looking incredibly amused.

"What is so damn funny, John, that is not funny."

"Sorry, you're right, if something happened it would not be funny at all, I guess what I find interesting is that you haven't even thought about the obvious."

"Which is?"

"That you are married to me. You know the phrase what's mine is yours? Well, it applies here. If something happened, given my income levels you would be entitled to a pretty large chunk of change. Even if we divorced or something happened to me, you don't have a single financial worry, ever."

Susan shrugged. "No, I haven't thought much about it. Us being together isn't about your money."

"No, it's not. But still, any lawyer worth his salt would tell you in the event of a divorce you could take half of everything. Well, not what's in the Foundation obviously because that money is mine, but not mine if you follow. But I do have significant personal assets that you could go after if you chose. And further to that, you know I will always support our children without a single argument, and I would not leave you destitute either. You own half of this house for example, you're on the title of the SUV, and really we should be setting up a joint account beyond the credit card you have access to, I will be updating my will again with Devon in the picture but if something happens you become extremely wealthy. Well, you are already, but even more so."

"I don't want your money, I never did."

I know that Susan, just be aware that a concern like that should not stand in the way of what you really want from your life."

"Okay, I will keep it mind. Do you feel a bit better now?"

"Yeah, I do. You're right, I need to quit being so sensitive, maybe I am too much in my own head right now. Harper probably did not mean it like that."

Susan grinned. "What did you say?"

John rolled his eyes. "You're right."

"Ah, my turn…but then again, I'm always right. Seriously, don't take a strip off her when she finally wakes up, be patient, try to work things out. You have a little boy who depends on both of you, and you have to learn to get along, correct?"

"Yes, right again. Smart woman that you are, I am going to take your advice."

Susan leaned down and kissed him, still straddling his legs.

"I love you."

"I love you too." John flipped her off of him effortlessly, rolling them so he was now on top.

He looked down into her soft green eyes, as she wrapped her hand around the back of his neck. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment before his lips were descending on hers again. He managed to disentangle them from the covers, and proceeded to remove her sleep shirt, pulling it gently up over her head.

Susan worked her hands up under his shirt feeling the smooth warmth of his flesh under her fingers, then slipped them down the back of his pants.

"Off." She whispered as he was nuzzling and nibbling at the sensitive spots on her neck. He kissed his way downwards, removing her panties, then complying, removing his clothing quickly.

His fingers were brushing along her now bare skin, he was kissing his way back up, stopping at each pulse point, each little spot that he knew drove her a bit crazy as his lips created a sensuous trail. Behind her knees, up her silky thighs and across her navel. Susan could feel a shiver of desire run through her, she gently pulled him upwards until he was settled between her thighs, their tongues dancing against each others, probing and exploring.

She let out a soft moan as he eased into her, then set a steady rhythm of movement, her hands running up his back, then clutching him, fingers digging in as the pleasure ran through her body. She buried her head against him, trying to muffle the little noises she could not help making as they rocked together. She felt herself rocketing towards her first climax, and his little startled noise as she sunk her teeth into him.

He didn't stop as her back arched up against him, her leg wrapping around him instinctively as her body clenched around him. He slowed slightly, just enough to let her enjoy the feeling and just enough to keep the waves rolling over her. Susan opened her eyes, watching him closely, the total concentration on his face, his eyes almost pitch black with desire.

John was watching her too, her green eyes hazy and half closed, her softly parted lips, hearing her quick intake of breath as her eyes fell shut and her muscles contracted violently around him, setting him off this time too. He collapsed against her in a slightly sweaty heap as they both panted, sounding like they had run the one minute mile.

"Oh wow." Susan sighed as he moved off her and onto his back, she could feel the sheen of sweat between their bodies, which quickly evaporated once their bodies separated.

John rolled onto his side, their bodies entwining again as they shared soft, intimate kisses and held each other close.


	29. Broken

The next day they were all up early, Crystal taking an interest in all the kids, playing with them in the living room as John and Susan prepared some coffee. He moved behind her wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her cheek lightly.

Susan leaned back against him, she loved these little affectionate interludes, they happened quite often between her and John, and she hoped they always would.

"I have to go in and do some work at the Centre for a few hours. Are you okay if I leave Devon today?"

Susan nodded. "The nanny is back today remember? Crystal will be around and she loves to take over with Devon whenever she can, I should be fine. Can you take Cosmo to school though?"

"Sure." He reached around her to take his cup off the counter, moving away as he sipped his coffee. "I was kind of thinking I should take a trip up to Boston with Devon, Harper's parents are there and they'd like to see him. What do you think? Would you want to come up to Boston for a few days or would your prefer to stay home?"

"When were you thinking of going? I guess it will depend on when we have Cosmo, I think it's Chuck's weekend coming up? We could leave Thursday after we drop him off for school and pick him up Monday after school, is that long enough? He has Friday off, so Chuck was going to pick him up after school on Thursday."

"Sure, it is for me, it would give us a couple days. They are both in a retirement village so its not like they will likely want to spend that much time, but I wanted to make sure they didn't need anything, maybe take them out for lunch, give them a chance to see their grandson. Harper doesn't come back to the States very often so it would be good for them. Even if she wakes up soon, she is not going to be travelling very far for a while."

"So we could go out and do a bit of sightseeing too? I have never really spent any time in Boston to be honest."

"We can. I had a little thought about going to New York, but if we have to be back for Cosmo then we can do that another weekend. Go up on a Thursday and come back Sunday night. Maybe go see my dad, I still have to call him."

"He doesn't know he has suddenly acquired another grandchild?"

"No, and I am not looking forward to it either. Maybe you can protect me."

Susan laughed lightly. "You'll be fine, John, maybe you should just take Devon and go see him, go to New York and I'll come home with the kids."

"3 kids on the plane by yourself? Maybe I should take Ava to New York with Devon, and you take the twins back to Chicago. Divide and conquer."

"Ha, you want to take care of Devon and Ava by yourself, he is still kind of clingy John, how are you going to manage the two of them."

"How are you going to manage three kids under two on a plane from Boston, and at the airport? I can drive from Boston to New York. Unless we take the nanny with us…maybe we should see if she would go with us, then you can take the three kids back and I will drive up to New York with Devon, it would be quicker than flying probably. Think about it and maybe ask Elise is she would be willing to come to Boston over the weekend. All expenses paid of course."

"I'll ask her, I kind of like the idea actually, maybe we could have a night out, a date night, just the two of us. When was the last time we went on a date."

"Way too long. We have been a bit pre-occupied, but I think we should talk about doing one regularly, at least every couple of weeks." He smiled as Cosmo bounced into the room. "Hey buddy, grab your backpack and I'll take you to school this morning. Mommy isn't even dressed yet."

Susan yawned slightly, and shrugged. "Sorry, I feel like I need a nap." She winked at John, they had kept each other up last night for a while, after the long discussion, and the first intense lovemaking, they had opted for more sex and less sleep.

John gave her a warm kiss. "Last night was fun." He murmured in her ear before he gave her a return wink and went into the living room to give all the kids hugs and kisses and headed out with Cosmo in tow.

By the time he got to the Centre, their HR manager was busy sorting resumes. They had posted for a couple of new Attending positions and they were going to be spending the morning looking at resumes then John was going to go work in the clinic for a while. Afterwards he planned on heading to the hospital to see Harper.

"John, I am glad you are in, could you sit down with me and look at these resumes? I have more than one that is using you for a reference?" Delia popped her head into his office as he signed onto his computer.

"Bring all the resumes for the positions in and we can compare them."

Delia held up a large stack, and John waved her into the chair across from him.

"Who is applying using my name?"

Delia pulled out three resumes and handed them over. John sighed as he saw the one on top. Abby. Why in the hell was Abby applying to work for him…though technically it wasn't for him as he was letting more of the paperwork and control go to his Senior Management team, and spending more time on board issues, and he wanted to spend more time on the floor working as a doctor. Still, they wanted him involved in hiring as he had to spend time with these people if they were going to be key staff in the clinic.

"What do you think of Dr. Lockhart's resume."

Delia tapped her fingers on the desk nervously for a moment.

"John, can I be completely honest?"

"Absolutely. Pretend she didn't use me as a reference, if you saw this come across your desk, compared to the other resumes you received, would you interview her?"

Delia shook her head. "No, and let me tell you why. We have 10 other resumes from much more qualified doctors. Two of which have held Chief positions at other hospitals and several resumes for doctors who have been practicing as doctors for at least 3 times as her. I am sure she is probably a good doctor, but…no, I would look to our other candidates first."

"I concur, it is a no from me on that basis. She's a good doctor, but this is a hiring decision that affects a huge team of people and we owe it to everyone to make the decisions based on qualifications."

"Do you know her well? This Abby Lockhart?"

"Yes, I do. I've know her for years and I know her extremely well, but I am still not going to pass up better qualified candidates because I know her. So next."

"Alexandra Roland. I like her resume, she has held a very senior role in Des Moines, but you know this already. I would interview her, I think her experience would make her a good future candidate to come upstairs and work with our management team."

"Yes, I agree. Full disclosure, she is a very close friend of Susan's. I worked with her a bit in Des Moines, I did a bit of consulting for them as a favour to Susan to help her get the ER running more smoothly and I liked what I saw. When Susan quit to move to Chicago, Lexi got her job, and she has been doing well from what I hear. If she is willing to relocated to Chicago, she would be a good option, she is friendly, professional and interacts well with staff and patients."

Delia made some notes on the back of the resume as he spoke.

"Luka Kovac. He was ER Chief here at County, but his recent work record is a bit spotty, he was up in Boston for a while, but then quit and has been kind of flitting around since. I am not sure, I like his overall experience, but I am concerned slightly, unless he has a good story about the history."

"Hm, well, he's a good doctor, he is a close friend of mine. He is originally from Croatia and his dad has been sick, he took some personal time to assist his family overseas. He has also spent some time working in Africa, the Congo with the Alliance, well rounded experience. He is relocating back to Chicago for personal reasons. He was well liked at County, I didn't work with him when he was Chief, but I can easily work with him in the clinic. Now how do you feel?"

"Better, it sounds like he would fit in. I will call him in for an interview. Here are the other resumes, do you mind giving me an opinion?"

"Not at all, give me a couple minutes, and I will review them."

"Sure, I am going to grab a cup of coffee and I'll be right back."

John just pointed at the coffee maker he had in his office.

"Help yourself, just made some, unless you want to go down to the break room."

"No, you always have good coffee." Delia poured a cup as John started reading through the resumes and cover letters. She was a bit astounded at how fast he was flipping through and sorting them into piles. "Can you really read that fast?"

"What? Oh yeah, years of training right? Working in the ER at County, we had to take in a lot quickly, and I did some surgical training too. Being able to read quickly an absorbed the important words is a key skill in my books. Helps with all the journals I have to read as well."

"I didn't know that." She was watching him sort the resumes into two piles. She looked up as he laughed while looking at one.

"Jing-Mei Chen?" He was reading through the resume. "She didn't use me as a reference? I am surprised, and I didn't know she was back."

Considering he still had both sets of her apartment keys, he was extremely surprised.

"Chen? Oh, no she sent that from China, said she was planning on coming back to Chicago soon and was looking for a position, or so her email said. You know her?"

"Yes, I know her quite well actually, I was staying in her apartment when I first came back to Chicago. We have known each other since we were Medical Students. Wow, so we have two positions and some good resumes. This is my yes pile, these are my maybes if we can't find someone from the yes pile."

Delia noted the names. "I agree, I see you were probably looking for the same things as I was. I'm happy with this for a start. So I will set up interviews with Alexandra, Luka, the other three you have singled out, and…do you want to sit in on a phone interview with Jing-Mei?"

"Sure." He looked at his watch. "Do you want to message her to call us at say 9 am her time? Is she in Beijing?"

"Yes, Beijing, that's right. That would make it what here?"

"Um, 14 hours time difference I think, so it's about 2am there, so 7 hours is about 5pm here? Let me know if she has time, and I will come back before 5 pm. Or if she can call earlier, great and I can conference in from wherever I am."

"All right. Sounds like a plan."

"Call Susan at home if you want more information on Lexi, Luka or Jing-Mei, she supervised all of them at one time or another. They are all good doctors, but I will defer to your decision, I am not going to pull rank on you with hiring decisions."

Delia was a bit surprised but she found this guy surprising fairly often. He was incredibly wealthy, but probably the least snobby rich guy she had ever met in her life. Most men in his position treated subordinates like slaves, he was so easy going and so damn likeable, she kind of wished he was single.

But she had too much respect for Susan Lewis to even think of him as anything but the boss, they seemed like a very happy couple and interfering would be incredibly unprofessional and wrong on so many levels. John belonged to Susan, they had a family, lovely babies together.

John finished up paperwork and a few things for Susan, then headed down to the clinic at about 11 and spent three hours seeing patients, He was finishing his last one when Delia flagged him down.

"Dr. Chen will be available soon, she is an early riser if you have time to sit in with me? I know you have to leave soon?"

"I can take time, I just have to go visit a sick friend later at County, Susan is fine, she has a friend staying with us and the nanny today."

He grabbed a fresh coffee then joined Delia in her office, making himself comfortable while Delia dialled China and set up the speaker phone.

"Dr. Chen, thank you for making the time this morning. I wanted to let you know that Dr. Carter is in the room with me." Delia smiled at John.

"John!" Her voice was sparkly over the phone. "You found out I applied."

"Hey Deb. Keeping secrets were you? You should have phoned me and let me know you were planning on coming back to Chicago."

"Ah, well, I was going to this week, I kind of have to, you have my apartment keys. I need to arrange to get someone in and lift the dust off the place."

"I'll take care of it if you let me know when you are planning to be back. Send me a list and they can put a few groceries in the fridge too, the cupboards are bare."

"Good thing too." She laughed lightly. "Thanks John, that would be great."

Delia has a slight smile on her face, John noticed and directed the conversation back to the interview.

"So Deb, I am going to let Delia get into her interview questions, but we will set up dinner when you get back, we have a lot to catch up on."

"Deal. Delia, please call me Jing-Mei?"

"Okay Jing-Mei. We will try to get through this quickly."

They spent the next 15 minutes chatting with Jing-Mei answering questions.

Jing-Mei intimated that she was hoping to find something part time for a while, brush up her skills and ease back into work.

Delia kindly explained that they were only looking full time at the moment but she noted that John had a thoughtful look on his face.

"Hey, Deb, would you think about volunteering your time for a while? It would allow your schedule to be more flexible, you can choose how many hours you're available and we can work you in. You can be as part time as you like for as long as you like, get back into things, and then look for something more permanent." He raised an eyebrow at Delia who was frowning slightly at him.

"Actually that is a great idea John. I was trying so hard to find part time, and it doesn't seem to exist, I think it would be a great way to get back into my role, I miss being a doctor but not the crazy long shifts day after day. I would absolutely love to volunteer."

"We will get the volunteer coordinator on this then, and let me know when you have a date to come back to Chicago, when you might like to start work."

"Perfect. Thanks, John, we will talk soon."

They said goodbyes then hung up.

"Well, no more interviews for you, I liked her and you recruit her to volunteer."

"Sure, but she doesn't want full time, you heard her. She is not desperate for a job, she might have turned you down. Then she would have gone to work somewhere else. This way she gets what she wants, we get a great volunteer in our program, and she is here, you can keep an eye on her and later as we get busier and the Centre needs more staff we can get her into a full time position with us."

"Ah you plan well. Okay, so I will get the others interviewed. Thanks John, are you heading out?"

"Yes, see you tomorrow."

He went over the hospital and sat with Harper for a while, then went home to spend some time with Susan and the kids.

Several days later, John was on his way to New York, Devon fastened securely in his seat in the back of rental car. He and Susan had been in Boston for a few days, the visit with Harper's family going well as expected. Her parents were excited to see their grandson, though it did turn a bit to bickering at some point between the older couple.

Susan had wisely chosen to stay with the babies, she and Elise had taken them all to the park while John braved Harper's parents. He figured that at least they were still together, though maybe they shouldn't be, they reminded him of Henry and Cookie. His parents had barely been around as he grew up, so if the bickered he didn't know much about it.

He took his share of criticism from her parents, the accusations of abandoning their daughter with the little boy grated on him, though they at least did show concern that their daughter was in a coma in the hospital. He could see they were better off in Boston, rather than hanging around Chicago, neither were all that mobile, and needed quite a bit of care. He decided not to try and take them out for lunch, but simply let them hold and see Devon.

The rest of the trip was good however, he and Susan managed a bit of time alone a couple of the evenings after the kids were in bed. It was nice to get out for a couple of dates, he had missed the time alone with his wife, it had been a whirlwind since they got back from Maui, and he was grateful his marriage was still going strong despite the addition of another child into the mix.

Susan truly was an amazing woman, in many respects, and he loved her more every day.

He finally arrived, dropping the car off at the rental depot and taking a taxi to the apartment. He had no further need for the car, it simply wasn't prudent to even try to drive in Manhattan and the apartment his grandmother had left him in the estate was located overlooking Central Park, quite near where his dad lived. He had called ahead to make sure his dad would be home and had arranged to see him the next day at his dad's place.

He spent a quiet evening with Devon, checking in with Susan before retiring for the night.

The next morning he was up early, as was Devon. He fed the little boy some breakfast, then gave him a warm bath, dressing him up in a very cute little outfit Susan had purchased for him in Boston. It was still a bit early so he went out shopping for a short while, buying a couple little items for the babies, along with a few small items for Susan and Devon. he was a bit nervous about how it was going to go with his dad, but he figured he might as well get it over with.

His dad frowned slightly as John stood in his doorway, holding Devon.

"Picking up strays in New York?" His dad quipped, looking at the young boy suspiciously.

"Yeah, cleaning up the streets, scooping up random two year olds, surprising how many are just wandering around loose." John joked back.

"Well, come in, no need to be loitering in the hall." His dad finally stepped back, and John came in, setting Devon down and taking of the boys coat. He picked Devon up again quickly, scanning the apartment which was definitely not child proof, he was going to have to watch the little boy carefully. He sat Devon on his knee, opening a bag of snacks, hoping to keep him occupied.

"Mm, so...did you and Susan decide to...adopt another child and not tell me? I got your wedding announcement the other day by the way, very nice picture, about time you married that girl, you would not want to let her get away." His dad was trying to catch a glimpse of John's left hand, and finally seemed to relax at the ring on the appropriate finger.

"No, I certainly am not intending on letting her go, she's a keeper for sure."

"Good. So who is this little guy anyway?"

"His name is Devon...he's my son." John figured his dad was probably already figuring it out, but he spelled it out anyways.

"Mmhm. Who is the mother? I am not even going to ask again about the adopting thing, he looks just like you when you were little. Not Kem obviously, I mean you haven't had a child yet where you married the mother before the blessed event, so why start now right?"

John narrowed his eyes at his dad, annoyed, but determined to not let this degrade into recriminations and hostility.

"No, not Kem. Her name is Harper Tracy, she lives in Germany, I dated her back when we were Medical Students at County."

"Really. Well, should't this boy be older if you dated her back then?" His dad raised an eyebrow meaningfully.

"Ha, a comedian. I ran into her in Paris about 3 years ago."

"Ran into her...is that what they are calling it these days. Had an affair with her you mean. Is that why you are not with Kem anymore? Been playing the field I see."

"Kem and I were having issues, but fine, yes, Harper and I had an affair. She went back to Germany, and I had to go back to Chicago, and we didn't see each other for a while." John had never told his dad about being sick, or the transplant, and he was not planning on getting into that today. "Harper was in an MVA in Chicago and that is when I found out about Devon. She was conscious when she came in and asked them to call me to take Devon. She went up for surgery, but...she never came out of the anesthetic, she's in a coma."

Jack frowned. "She never told you? So you just took him?"

"No she didn't tell me, and of course I took him, he's my son. I wasn't going to let them put him in foster care, are you insane?"

"How did your wife take all of this? Are you here because she's pissed off and ready to walk?"

"No, Susan and I are fine, our marriage is fine. I thought you might want to meet your grandson, and tell you in person about him. Should I have just phoned?"

Jack sighed. "No this is fine. Not like it used to be, you meet someone, marry them, then have kids. You just can't seem to get that concept. Bring Kem home pregnant. Even you and Susan had three kids before you married her, now this? How am I supposed to explain it?"

"Explain it to whom exactly. Your social circle?"

"The board is going to find out about this, you live in Chicago, and you suddenly have a two year old son? Everyone is going to know you cheated on your wife, had an illegitimate child, it doesn't look good."

"I see. Well sorry for disappointing you and embarrassing you yet again. Nothing I ever do will make you happy, will it." John stood up, resting Devon on his hip, turning towards the door. "We'll get out of your way." He grabbed Devon's coat.

"John." His dad followed him down the hall, watching as he put the child's coat back on. "When have I ever said I was disappointed."

"You don't have to say it. You show it...we haven't been a family since Bobby died, he died and you both left. Then dumped me in a boarding school, never came home for holidays, I almost died and you couldn't even drag yourself home for three weeks. You were barely there for anything in my life, I know I haven't lived my life the way you wanted me to, I don't even know why I came. I don't know why I thought you might want to know your grandchildren. I'm done, just so done with this shit, I'm gone."

Jack opened his mouth to say something as John said something else so low he could not make it out. He felt powerless to do anything but watch his son's back disappear out the door.

John walked out the door, hitting the elevator button as the apartment door closed behind him. He left the building quickly, taking Devon straight back to his apartment.

"Hey Dev, let's go home." He hugged his son tight, knowing he could never be the type of absentee father his had always been. "I love you Dev."

He called Katey and had her work on booking flights while he quickly packed the small bag, tucking in the gifts he had bought, and checking the apartment quickly. Katey had called back with the flight information, there was one leaving for Chicago in two hours, and she had already ordered him a car. He gathered their things and was soon on his way to the airport.

Jack watched the door swing shut behind his son. He didn't know what to say, or what to do. He had never really thought about it much, how the actions of him and Eleanor had affected John. He could often feel an undertone of resentment when he was with his son, but he had never quite known how to ask what was going on in his son's head. He knew he could be demanding of John, but he was not disappointed or embarrassed. He disagreed with a lot of things, and he wished John had been open to becoming part of the Foundation while John Sr. and Millicent were still alive, but he loved his son. He just never knew quite how to show it.

It never came easily to him, the hugging, the affection. His parents had never been openly affectionate with him either, and he never quite got how John could feel so disenfranchised, or hard done by, the kid had grown up with everything. He had never wanted for anything, his schooling paid for, his rent while he went to school, hell the kid even had a nice tidy sum coming in for his own use from the trust fund. Now he was a multimillionaire, most people only wished they had the resources John Carter had access to.

Yet, his son was clearly upset with him, holding some pretty serious grudges and resentment against both him and Eleanor.

Eleanor. When had she last even contacted John, did she even know he was on his second marriage? Had lost a child? Married again and had more kids?

As much as he hated to do it, he picked up the phone and dialled.

Susan was in bed, just getting to the best part of her juicy new novel when she heard the front door. She heard the beep, she could tell someone had put in the security code to reset the alarm system. But who? Crystal was in bed, she had not been feeling well earlier. The nanny had been sent home hours ago. John was in New York...or was he?

She sat up, hearing the light tread on the stairs and someones low voice. Definitely John, but he was home way too early. She slid out of bed, padding quietly down the hall to the room Devon was sharing with Cosmo, John was just tucking the half asleep boy into his bed.

John dropped a kiss on the boys forehead, then turned seeing Susan in the doorway.

"Hey."

"Hey, you're home early...days early. What happened?"

John shrugged. "The usual." He tiptoed out of the room, not wanting to wake up the kids who were both asleep. "I just want to look in on the others, I'll be to be in a few minutes, okay?"

"I'm glad you're home." Susan gave her husband a warm hug, then padded back to their room, knowing he had missed the babies even in the short time he'd been away from them.

John looked in on Ava first, pulling her blanket up a bit, marvelling at how big she was getting. She clutched her teddy bear tight in her sleep, sucking her thumb periodically. Next he went to see the twins, they were both fast asleep as well.

"I love you guys, I missed you." He whispered.

He watched them sleep for a few minutes, finally going to the master bedroom. Susan was sitting up, trying to read, but obviously curious about what was going on with him. He started peeling of his clothes, dropping his shirt and jeans in the hamper before pulling on a fresh t shirt and some sleep pants.

He sighed in relief as he crawled into bed beside Susan, her arms going around him automatically a she moved close to him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, fine, just really glad to be home, that's all."

"I thought you'd still be in New York visiting with your dad."

"Hm, right. Well, I decided it wasn't worth being there, I saw him, I left."

Susan narrowed her eyes, knowing he was downplaying something, that it had not gone well.

"John, tell me what's wrong. What happened with your dad, what did he say?"

"Same old thing, I got a lecture from him, he's disappointed as usual. I was there maybe 15 minutes, and I'd had enough. So I left. I'm done, I cannot take him anymore. He was more worried about how it was going to look, my illegitimate child, the fact that I had so obviously had an affair, cheated on Kem, that was his concern. Nothing else, just how embarrassing this was going to be for him. What do I do with that?"

"Oh John, I'm sorry. I thought...I don't know what I thought. He seemed so thrilled about Ava and the twins, he was even good with Cosmo, but to say those things to you. Baby, I'm glad you came home."

"Yeah, I told you I needed you to protect me, he behaves better when you are there. I was hopeful too, you know? That maybe the visit at Christmas would mean he would want to be part of his grandkids lives, but I guess that does not include Devon. If it doesn't include all of my kids, then he is not welcome in my house, Devon is part of our family, no matter what."

"Yes he is, he is part of you, and no one can say otherwise. I love you John, remember, no matter what, you have a family that loves you."


	30. It Was Just One of Those Things

John took the stairs, arriving in the ICU before anyone in the ER saw him. He found that someone always wanted to chat, but he did want to get home before it got too late so he could spend some time with the kids. It had been a busy day, he had tidied up a bunch of paperwork at the Center, and signed off a few projects that he and Susan had been working on at home together.

Susan had started going back in to work three days a week, often coming home in the afternoon and doing paperwork out of their home office, and John was working the other two, between them covering her job fully. Susan seemed happy with this arrangement for now, it gave her 4 days a week with the kids but was working productively too.

Shirley looked up as he came in and waved at him, after almost a month, he was becoming a fixture, no one questioned why he was there anymore.

"Any change?"

"Nothing yet."

"Thanks, I will just spend a few minutes, and I'll have to go. Did her friend Crystal come in today?"

"Not yet, though usually only one of you comes in on a regular basis."

John walked through and took a quick look at her chart, then pulled up a chair, taking her hand.

"Harper, time to wake up." He sighed. "So Devon is good, though I can tell he misses you. He is talking more, and he is great with his siblings. He loves playing with Cosmo. Crystal came all the way from Germany to see you, but you know that right? She is going to have to go home soon, I wish you would wake up so she can see you before she goes home. I called your mom and dad again, they are worried about you, though I can see why you were into drugs when you were a kids."  He tended to joke a bit, feeling kind of silly about talking to her like this, but on the other hand, he never knew if she could hear him.

He thought back to their discussion when they were first dating, her admission about being a bit too much into drugs at one point as a teenager. She grew up poor in a rough neighbourhood but she had landed on her feet. She always laughed a bit at his silver spoon upbringing, could tell he was upper class even before Jerry finally had to tell her his family was 'stinking rich' as Harper had called it.

She didn't complain too much over the months they'd had their affair though, initially she was a bit uncomfortable, but she soon realized how little the money meant to John. He knew Harper wasn't just with him for the money, so he didn't mind spending it freely on their trip, wanting it to be just fun, with no worries.

"I know, not funny right? They are quite the pair, they sure gave me a good talking to, abandoning their daughter when she was pregnant with my child. Not that I knew about him, but they didn't seem to care about that detail, so, I can relate, you had parents that talked but never listened, right? I remember you telling me that." John sighed, not sure if any of this was getting through, but it seemed better than sitting in silence. "I see why it took you so long to come back the States, they were good with Dev, but…I dread having to take him up there again. But I will, honey, I'll make sure they are taken care of, because I know you were taking care of them and without you they have no one."

He sat silently for a few more moments.

"I went to see my dad and introduced him to Devon. I wish I hadn't bothered, it was worse than I had feared. I think…that might be the last time I see my dad, other than when I am forced to at Board Meetings for the Foundation. Might as well make it a clean sweep, my mom I haven't seen for…wow it must be getting close to 9 years. So I know how important I am to her, and my dad never has anything nice to say, so why even make the effort. I was hopeful, he came out at Christmas and seemed to be much better but I am not sure he is going to accept Devon, so I'm done. He's my son, and anyone in my family that can't deal with it, well, you get it. My sister, well, you know Barbie. I hear from her once in a while, but we still aren't close."

He sat holding her hand between his, thinking how he could just talk, it was a bit like therapy except she never answered him. He missed talking to Harper, they had shared and talked so much those few months they were together, she just understood him, they had a connection that he wished had not been broken by distance and time.

John squeezed her hand, then started as he felt her squeeze back.

"Harper? I felt that. Can you hear me?"

"I'm not deaf." She rasped out. "My throat hurts."

"You're awake, finally. Hey, hold on a second." John hit the call button, and Shirley quickly appeared.

"What's going on?"

"Harper is awake." John looked over at Shirley who was already dialling the phone to page Harpers doctor. She left quickly, coming back with some ice chips, she scooped a bit into her mouth.

"There, that should help a bit. We will get you some water to sip in a few minutes. How are you feeling otherwise?"

"I hurt all over, what happened to me? John, where's Devon? Is he okay? They called you to get him right?"

"He's fine, he had a tiny cut which took only a couple of stitches. He's at my house with Susan and Crystal. I was able to take him home while you were still in surgery, I had a chance to get to know him a bit."

John was not sure Harper knew how long she'd been out, she was a bit disoriented but speaking clearly and remembered who he was and about Devon, so that was a good sign.

Dubenko and another doctor John vaguely recognized came rushing in at that moment and did a quick exam.

"Nice to see you awake Dr. Tracy. You will still be here for a few days, but we can move you into a regular room. You have some insurance through work?"

"Some, yes, I'm an Air Force doctor stationed out of Germany."

John pulled Shirley aside.

"Private room if they have one? I'll take care of whatever her work doesn't cover. Just don't say anything to her about it okay?"

Shirley patted his arm.

"No problem, we should have one or two private rooms available. I'll try and pick the best one, she is going to be in here for a while."

John watched as they evaluated Harper, asking her questions, finally breaking the news on how long she'd been unconscious.

"A month? I've been in here a month?"

They were trying to reassure her, John moved back by the bed and took her hand, she clung to him like a life line. He wiped her tears as she sobbed, emotionally overwhelmed, staying with her until she fell asleep again.

They were soon moving Harper to her own private room and John called home quickly to let Susan and Crystal know she was awake. They were waiting for the the babies to wake up and then they were going to walk down to get Cosmo from school.

"I can drop Crystal off with Devon in a couple hours?" He could hear Crystal shooting questions at Susan in the back ground.

"Okay, sounds good, I'll try to hang around for a bit, see if she needs anything. Tell Crystal to relax, Harper seems to have her memory in tact, and aside from being a bit upset about how long she was out, she will be just fine I'm sure."

"Remember what we talked about John? Be gentle if you get to spend some time with her today. This has to be difficult, waking up after a month."

"Yes Susan, I've got it. She just woke up, we will be okay, I won't yell at her, I promise."

John waited until they had Harper settled into a room, then he went up to see her. She was laying staring at the ceiling when he came in.

"Harper you're awake again. How are you feeling?" He walked in and sat down in the chair leaning back, trying not to close off, trying not to be angry with her.

"Like I was run over by a truck…oh wait, I kind of was run over by a truck, I was hit by some guy who was drunk right? I hurt all over, John, was I really out of it for a month?"

"Yes. Your scans were all good, but you just didn't wake up after the surgery. I think you are going to be fine though, Shirley has been keeping me updated, I hope you don't mind, but since your parents could not come down, she has been letting me in to see you. Crystal is here from Germany too she will be down in a while, Susan is going to drive her once the kids are up."

"How is he? He wasn't hurt right? You said he only had a small cut?"

"Devon? He's fine Harper, he is staying with Susan and I at our place, he was a bit upset but seems to be settling in pretty well now he is getting used to it. He's fitting right in, actually."

Harper bit her lip, wondering just how angry John was with her. She had not counted on this sort of situation, where he would be taking Devon and she would still be in the picture. She had meant for him to only take Devon in the event of her death, but she had panicked, knowing he might end up in foster care if she had not told the nurse in the trauma room to contact him. Haleh, she remembered Haleh being in the room and knowing about her connection with John.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "You must be angry with me, for not phoning you, or coming to see you. For not telling you I was pregnant."

John rubbed his hands over his face, pacing towards the window and staring out over the city. He took a couple of deep breaths.

"John please talk to me."

"Yeah, I have to admit, I was pretty upset with you. I have a two year old son that I didn't know existed, it was a bit of a shock to say the least. I do wish you had told me Harper, I don't get why you wouldn't tell me." He turned back to look at her.

"Did you get my letter?"

"Uh huh, and I still don't really get it. I mean I know you thought it best, but…it wasn't the best thing. But we can talk about it when you are feeling better."

John wanted to keep this non confrontational for now, Harper did not need the stress right now.

Harper shook her head.

"No, I need to talk to you now, John. Please, I need to set my mind at rest and get this over with, I know it maybe wasn't fair to you, but…I was so scared. Of losing our child, you know my history, and I didn't want to put you through it. Then of course I found out you were with Susan Lewis, which was kind a a trip to me."

Harper watched as he ran his hands through his hair again, seeing the ring on his finger.

"You married her."

John looked at his left hand and nodded. "Yeah Harper, I married her. We have kids, her son, our adopted daughter Ava and twins, Maya and Ben. Now of course, Devon."

"I'm happy for you John. We both know that we were never going to get married, as much as we love each other. I love you so much John, I didn't want to ruin your life, you are such an amazing guy, our time together was incredible."

He sat down, pulling the chair over the the bed and taking her hand between his.

"It was, which is why I found it so hard that you didn't tell me, Harper. I could have handled it, I am not that fragile, I promise."

"You came through so much in the past few years though, you lost a child, which I know is so devastating. I didn't think I would get to term with Dev, I wanted him so much, but I was so scared the whole time I was going to miscarry. I didn't want you to live with that."

"Damn it Harper. I could have handled it, don't hold my past against me, I know I messed up a lot of things, but…I would have been there for you either way. What if you had gotten to say 6 or 7 months and then lost the baby, you would not have told me that if I had seen you again? Or if I had come to see you and you were pregnant, would you have admitted the child was mine? "

Harper shrugged. "I don't know John, none of that happened, but I would not have lied to you. I would never lie to you, I love you too much.".

"You kind of did though, by omission. I know I got sick and had to come home, but all you had to do was phone me. Life was pretty empty about then, and what if…"

John couldn't say it…he wanted to ask her…what if he'd died waiting for a kidney, and never known about his child. He had felt very alone during his illness, and there were times when he almost gave up, wondering if it was worth it, fighting the depression that often goes along with being seriously ill. One phone call from her might have helped, knowing he had something to live for, a bright spot.

Harper could almost hear what he was thinking, but it wasn't so simple. She knew he had struggled with depression more than once, it was one of the things that had exacerbated the drug addiction, and telling him about the baby might have helped, but then if she'd miscarried after she told him it might have made things worse for him.

Harper felt the tears trickle down her cheek, letting them flow freely.

"It wasn't an easy decision John, it was really difficult for me. All I know is he is my miracle, and he's beautiful, he's precious. I had no idea I was going to make it to term, and that by that time, you would be starting up a relationship with someone else."

John inhaled deeply, seeing how upset she was. He reached out and gently wiped the tears from her face.

"He is absolutely…amazing, Harper. I just feel like I missed so much, and it really hurt that you didn't tell me. Like you didn't trust me, and that was the hardest part. Not that I had a child, not that he was dropped into my life, but the fact that you didn't trust in me enough. After everything we shared, went through, talked about, you kept my son from me."

"I'm sorry, I made the wrong decision John, I should have told you the minute I found out I was pregnant. It was not long after I got back from Darfur that I suspected I was, and I confirmed it by the time I was about 5 weeks. It was wrong, what I did."

"Very wrong, you knew how much I wanted kids, and I get we were having an affair, and I know it would have been messy dealing with Kem and the fallout, but still Harper, he is my child, he was mine as much as yours and you couldn't share that with me? It's not like it…would have been bad news, we were making love everyday while you were there, we both knew the potential consequences Harper."

"I know John, we weren't careful, but I can't regret it, I will never regret Devon."

"Neither do I, baby. You love him, I can tell, and that I was able to give you something you wanted so badly really is amazing."

"Did Kem find out about us?"

"Of course she did, she didn't know how long, but she heard about your visit to Darfur and she knew we were sleeping together there. She doesn't know much about you, I never went into it with her, our history, it was enough for her that there had been another woman in my bed."

"Was she upset?"

"I don't know, a bit I guess. She and I didn't talk much about the fact I'd had an affair until we were discussing our divorce. I was here in Chicago when she found out about it, and she couldn't say too much anyways, she was still sleeping with Michel. But the time she saw me again, she'd had time to deal with it on the emotional level. She didn't come to see me in Nairobi or in Chicago while I was sick, if sleeping with other people didn't kill our marriage, her lack of concern sure did."

"I'm sorry, John."

"Not your fault. You may have been the other woman, but I still think you saved me in some way."

"And you saved me back. Our time together made me feel wanted and loved, and finding out I was having a baby. It was what I needed in my life, John. I have wanted a child for so long, and now I have Devon. Not telling you, it was a mistake and I will forever be sorry for that. Come sit with me." She begged, holding out her hand.

He sighed, then thought about what Susan had said, he had promised to hear her out. He nodded and sat back down. taking her hand again, leaning his head against her. He felt her hand slide through his hair and he felt immediately better. Like she knew he would, she knew him too well, and it scared him a bit. It always scared him when women started to know him this well, it meant they had the power to hurt him. Harper had hurt him, even if she didn't mean to.

"Baby, I love you, you know that right? It wasn't a lie, John, I love you so much, and our son was the greatest gift. I love him even more, knowing he is part of you, he was meant to be, the reason we were together, like fate. I know you love Susan, and you are married, but I still reserve the right to love you, you were mine first. I will always love you, even if you aren't mine, I will never interfere with your marriage because I know you are happy, and that is all that matters." Her words ran over him softly, he took a few deep breaths, letting her continue to caress his hair as he let it sink in.

"You know I love you, Harper, but I am so happy with Susan, I love her. How can I love two woman so differently. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I will always love you too."

He finally looked up at her, and she reached out to stroke his face.

"I know, it's okay, we were there for each other when we needed someone the most. We will always be a part of each others lives, we made a baby together, and he's our connection and will be forever. I know romantically we would not have worked long term, but we can love each other as friends. We both know that is all it can be now, because you won't betray Susan like that, and I wouldn't want you to, not if she is the one and makes you happy. We have a child to raise and we will have to figure that out, I won't take him away from you John, we will have to make arrangements so we can both be part of his life, he needs us both. He needs a daddy, not just me, and he loves you already, I can see it."

She glanced over at the glass.

"We seem to have an audience." She murmured softly. "Who is that and why is she looking like she wants to come through that door and kill something.

John looked over and then moved so his back was turned towards the door, Harper could see he was annoyed.

"That is Abby, and I have no idea why she would even think it is any of her business. I am sure it's me she'd like to kill, I have had too many girlfriends since we broke up, she was not a fan when I came back with Kem."

"I just bet she wasn't. She still loves you, I can see it in her eyes."

"She never loved me Harper, at least not that she ever told me. If she did she kept it a secret from me.

"I think its me she wants to kill, she didn't miss the body language between us. Good thing it wasn't your wife standing out there or we might have a problem."

"No, Susan I can talk to and she would understand. Abby is closed off and she is impossible to talk to in any real and meaningful way."

"How did Susan deal with your surprise child? You are still with her obviously."

"She has been exceptionally great about it. I was honest with her about my breakup with Kem, she knew there was another woman after I found out Kem had been cheating. She just didn't know it was you, not until I had to come and pick up Devon. We had just gotten home, we went to Maui and got married there, flew home, and our first night I had to come and get the son that I didn't know I had. She was pretty cool about it, she is a very understanding and special woman, I have to say."

"You told Susan that you'd had an affair while still married to Kem. She didn't freak out about it?"

"No she didn't. She understood, though it was a little tougher for her once she knew who I had the affair with. She would have preferred it was some woman who meant nothing to me and was gone out of my life permanently. But she accepts it, I didn't cheat on her and she does get the idea of why I did it. Her husband cheated, and she had the same thoughts, though she didn't act on it like I did. I probably wouldn't have either, but…damn you were just there and we both wanted to, so it happened."

"I know John, I get it, because my husband cheated on me, and I wanted to go and have an affair to spite him, so I see why she felt like that. Good thing you were honest with her, at least she knew before I showed up in your life again. I would hate to have ruined your happiness, John."

"You haven't, she will accept Devon into our lives with no problem, she has been wonderful with him. She is a very loving and warm person, you two will get along, I know there will be times when we will need to all be together, for Devon."

Crystal stopped outside the glass she could see John and Harper were having a pretty deep discussion, maybe even a bit of an argument, and she did not want to interrupt. Abby was with her, having shown her to the right room and Crystal noted that the woman's eyes were curious, riveted to the scene going on in the room.

John was holding Harpers hand, then he got up and paced a bit more, then sat down again. Crystal watched as he put his head against Harper, and the way Harper's hand ran through his hair. Lovingly, gently, and in a very intimate, personal way. She glanced sideways at Abby whose eyes had narrowed at how familiar the connection was between John and Harper.

Crystal could see Harper was saying something, but her voice was very low, the words meant for John only.

She could almost hear the little hiss of breath, and she wondered why. Was Abby a good friend of Susan? Was Abby close to John? Or was it something else entirely?

Crystal wanted to pull the woman away, but of course she couldn't, the doctor was watching the scene unfold, the way John looked up at Harper, her hand reaching for him, touching his face. They were watching this seeing only the side of John's face as this was going on, but the love between the two was evident, and it seemed to bother Abby immensely.

"I think I need to get back to the ER." The doctor was still glaring through the glass, and as if he felt the gaze, John looked over and caught Abby staring. He simply turned back to Harper, shifting his chair slightly so his back was to the glass, he seemed irate that Abby was acting as a voyeur.

"Probably best, they need a few minutes before I take Devon in to see Harper. I will take Dev down to see Wendall for a few minutes."

Abby snorted slightly. "Wendall?"

"She seems to be close with John, didn't they work together here at County? I think they are friends, and she knows Susan Lewis pretty well too."

Crystal was wondering why Abby sounded so peeved about Wendall. She shifted Devon slightly and he looked through the glass.

"Mom." He said and pointed, a smile appearing on his face. "Daddy."

"That's right Dev, mommy and daddy. You get to see mommy today." Crystal was watching Abby as she said this.

Abby rolled her eyes. Daddy. Didn't take John long to have the little boy calling him daddy. She turned and stalked off towards the elevators, not sure why she felt so irritated. Other than the fact that John had so obviously moved on in a spectacular way after saying he wanted to marry her. Kem, Wendall, back to Kem, then apparently this Harper woman, and now he was married to Susan Lewis of all people. She kind of wondered how many other woman he had managed to sleep with after they broke up.

She had waited for him to come home before she moved on, he had just…moved on right away. It pissed her off that she had thought he might decide to come back to her, realize he had made a big mistake, but he never did come back.

She jabbed at the button, finally giving up and taking the stairs back down to the ER.

Crystal heard the door open and John came out holding his arms out for Devon.

"Hey, I'll take him in, can you give us just a couple more minutes? Then I will leave you to visit with Harper."

"Sure, looks like it's a bit intense in there."

"Yeah, well there is a lot to be said." John touched her arm lightly, then took Devon into the room.

Harper was waiting anxiously to see her son.

"Devon, come here baby." She held out her arms, wanting to hold him.

John carefully put the little boy onto the bed, staying close.

"Mommy." The little boy snuggled into her arms, letting her hug him close. She buried her face in his hair.

"I have missed you my angel."

She looked like she was going to cry, and John let her hold Devon until he started to wiggle impatiently. He knew it was too much for the two year old to sit still for long, even when being finally reunited with his mommy.

"Daddy." Devon pointed at John, then held his arms out to be taken off the bed.

John scooped up the boy and let him rest his head on his shoulder, rubbing his back as the child wrapped his arms around his neck.

"He's taken to you, and you've taught him to call you daddy." Harper observed.

"He has been my extra appendage ever since I took him home. It was tough for a while, but I was finally able to leave him at home for a few hours with Susan when Crystal was there to help her out, so it was okay."

"She has trouble with him?"

"No, she's great with Dev. It's just that Ava is barely a year old, and the twins are only 6 months, so with Devon there too it becomes too much for her to handle if she's by herself. Devon has needed constant reassurance, he was suddenly dropped into a strange situation, he didn't know any of us, you are suddenly not there, he's two years old. A lot of change for one little boy, he wanted to be constantly held or carried around, she can't do that with three young children. Her son is only seven, he is great with the little ones but not old enough to count on, he's too young for any real expectations from us."

"Of course, I get it. How did you end up with three kids so young?"

"We agreed to adopt Ava, then not long after we found out Susan was pregnant. Then we found out we were having twins, but we decided that we would still take Ava. Her mom was a teenage girl and she asked us to take her baby, she picked us specifically and we didn't want to back out."

"So the pregnancy was a surprise?"

"Yes and no, we had been trying, it just wasn't happening, and with Susan being over 40 we had a pretty short window. We decided to take Ava because we had no guarantee of having a child of our own, we had talked a bit about adopting if she didn't get pregnant soon. She was stressing about the whole thing, you know how it is when you want it and it's not happening. So we get the chance to adopt, out of the blue and we both wanted to do it. Then with the pressure off, of course she gets pregnant, we had to go to Paris for me to sign papers, and a few weeks later we found out we were having our own baby, well babies actually."

"Paris." Harper got a little smile on her face. "I have very fond memories of Paris myself. You made yourself a little souvenir…or maybe a couple of little souvenirs."

"Ha, funny Harper. But yes, the City of Love, right? You got a little love yourself when we were in Paris, though Devon was made in Africa, right?"

"A little less romantic than making a baby in Paris, but at least I love his daddy, tough to know exactly when it happened, we were together every night."

"I don't think it much matters, does it? Aside from those…couple of nights…we didn't use a condom at all. After not using one in Paris, we didn't really bother after that."

Harper remembered the 'couple of nights' he was talking about and gave him little grin.

"That was really hot, I have to say, I almost cannot believe we did that, but it was fun, I was a bit shocked you agreed. The whole affair was fun, and hot and sexy and passionate. I have absolutely no regrets John, none at all, I would do it all over again, it was perfect."

"I don't regret it either honey. I honestly don't know how I would have coped with everything without you. You were right, it was like therapy, except better, way, way better."

Harper laughed. "Yeah, hey do you want to sit on a couch and talk about your feelings, or do you want to have wild hot sex with an ex boyfriend while talking about your feelings. Hm, tough choice."

"Yeah, impossible to decide which would be more fun, though we did have some couch time."

"Couch time." Harper almost snorted this out. "We did use a variety of surfaces, that's true. I won't ever tell your wife, I promise."

"Oh, I don't think it would be all that shocking to her, but yeah, I would appreciate you keeping the details to yourself. She knows about Italy by the way, that we went to Italy for three weeks, but not all the things we did in Italy, if you get me, and I don't think she wants or needs to know."

"Of course she doesn't want to know the details, no woman wants to picture her husband with any of the previous women, unless she embraces that swinger lifestyle, and I am assuming Susan is not into it?"

"Ah, not that she has ever expressed to me. To be honest, I'm not really into it either, you know its fun to experiment, but I don't want start doing that with my wife. She's uninhibited, but I'm not sure she'd be into it anyway."

"So you two have good sex then."

John rolled his eyes a bit, but then shrugged, it was strange how easy it still was to talk to Harper.

"Amazing sex. Like I said Harper, I don't think I could ever last in a marriage where sex was routine and boring. Susan is not routine or boring in the bedroom…or wherever else."

Harper laughed out loud. "So she's not boring and straight-laced, she's adventurous and a bit wild? Good for you, keep it interesting."

"I plan to. Ah Harper, we had fun, I will always remember our time together, and hey, you got your own little 'souvenir'." John threw that one back at her.

"I got so much more than that, John. Are we good, you and me? I meant it, you know, I want us to be friends, I hope we can still talk and be honest with each other and communicate. We can't be lovers ever again, but will it bother Susan if we stay close?"

"Huh, funny you say that. Susan and I have had some great conversations recently, and she was the one who reminded me to be gentle, that I needed to hear the whole story from you. I was upset and she talked me down from the ledge. I think we need to use discretion, but in the big picture, no, she will be fine. She gets the fact that we will have to see each other with a child in the picture. She deals with my exes more than I care to admit."

"Oh do tell."

"Hm, well, Abby works here, that you know. Then she met Debbie when she and Angelique came over from Africa for a conference, she knows we were involved at some point though she doesn't know about...you know, the Africa thing."  He watched Harper nod and give him a little grin.  "Um, you, she remembers you from before. Oh, you'll love this one…the Social Worker that had to take Devon's case, the one who was apparently in the room with you? I dated her too. That was great let me tell you, having to hear it from Wendall of all people."

"Wendall? You dated Wendall. She came in just after they moved me in here, she will be back to see me apparently. Hm, well, she is a beautiful blond, definitely your type."

"Yeah, I suppose she is. She's great by the way, and we are friends again, we talked a bit about how awkward the situation was but she was professional and absolutely terrific about everything."

John heard a tap on the door and Crystal came into the room.

"Can I join you?"

John nodded. "Yeah, in fact why don't I take the little man here home for a sleep and let you two ladies talk."

Crystal had crossed the room and was giving Harper a warm but gentle hug.

"I am so happy you are finally awake. I was worried. You look great."

"Thanks, I am sure I don't, but it's good to see you too. Let me say good bye to Devin, and John can get out of here for a bit."

Harper took Devon for another cuddle and hug, John leaned down and gave her a kiss on the forehead and they headed for home.


	31. I Won’t Give Up

"Oh hold onto your panties." Susan muttered irritably as she padded towards the front door. She hadn't gotten lot of sleep the night before, the twins had been cranky until all hours, which woke Ava then of course Devon, who in turn had woken up Cosmo, so they'd had a houseful of whiny cranky children.

She loved her kids beyond reason, but with 5 in the house, a bad night became a nightmare very quickly. John had been fabulous, staying up with her, helping her get the kids back into bed one by one, cuddling Maya, walking the floor with her while she fussed.

Being a doctor, of course he checked her ears, checked her throat, took her temperature and diagnosed teething as the issue. Susan did the same on Ben, the tag team approach finally getting them into bed about 4 am. John was up by 6am to go into work for a meeting at 8 am, and he'd had a full day with a Board meeting and volunteering at the Clinic.

Thankfully the nanny had been in and helped her get everyone down for naps, so she had a few minutes of peace, which was being destroyed by the doorbell and rapping of some inconsiderate fool.

Susan opened the door with a determined yank, the caller had been persistently banging on the front door and she was ready to read them the riot act.

"Jack." Susan was about to let out a string of not so nice words, but only one managed to surface.

"Susan, hi, can I come in?" He stood looking at her expectantly, a bit of a hang dog expression on his face.

"If you promise to be quiet, we had a rough night and the three little ones are finally all napping. Cosmo is at school."

"I can do that." Jack stepped in as Susan backed away from the door.

"I was just going to make coffee. Would you like some?" Susan felt the need to be hospitable, even though she was not Jack's biggest fan right now. John had come home from New York incredibly upset about the reception he'd gotten, and frankly she didn't blame him. His damn mother hadn't bothered to even send him a Christmas card in almost 10 years, and his dad, the last real member of his family never seemed to have anything nice to say to his son.

She felt like John's constant need for girlfriends, and the womanizing of his younger days probably had a lot to do with his family. He wasn't so different from Doug Ross in some ways, though she suspected even John could not hold a candle to the number of women Doug had slept with over the years. Doug had a good relationship with his mom, but his dad had been much like Jack, maybe even a bit worse, but still, the parallels were there.

"Please, that would be nice. Is John around?"

"Around Chicago yes, home no. He worked at the Centre today, and then came home and took Devon to see his mother in the hospital."

"How is she…what was her name? John told me but I can't remember now. It was unusual."

"Harper. Her name is Dr. Harper Tracy."

"Ah, she's a doctor, oh right, they were students at the same time, that is how he knew her. You must have known her too."

"Yes, I was working at County when they were dating."

"What is she like?"

"Honestly? I didn't know her all that well back then and I haven't seen her since she woke up, and it's been years since they dated as students, John was about 24? She finally woke up a few days ago, but she is in the hospital for a while yet."

"Mm, so you are stuck with the extra child, must put a strain on things with you and John."

Susan leaned back against the counter and narrowed her eyes at Jack.

"I'm not 'stuck' with anything. That little boy is my husbands child, and as such, he is welcome in my home. John has been incredible with my son, treats him like his own, and I plan to do the same with Devon. He is a very sweet child, and it is not creating any 'strain' on our relationship. I love John, he loves me, we are doing just fine thanks."

Jack sat back a bit at the onslaught of words, recognizing that John had picked a very strong and self assured woman. He never picked wallflowers that was for damn sure. Except perhaps Abby, but the boy had come to his senses before he married that one, though he had let Kem lure him in. Susan he liked, the time they had spent at Christmas made him feel she was worthy of his son, so many of the other women just were not Carter material.

"Ah, sorry, I didn't mean any offence."

Susan placed two mugs on the countertop, pouring the fresh hot coffee, then placing it in front of Jack, along with some cream and sugar.

"Just black is fine." Jack watched Susan fix her cup and put the cream back in the fridge. "How are Ava, Maya and Ben doing?"

"Great, they are growing quickly, they are busy little people, it is nice we have Elise to come in and help with them. I am back to work 3 days a week, and John covers the other two for me, and we both work a bit from home."

"I am surprised he hasn't wanted you to stay at home, after all, you have 5 kids in the house."

"John would never ask me to quit my job. I worked hard to be a doctor, and he knows it."

"Yes, but he is supposed to be the man of the house, he should be working and letting you be home. Not the other way around."

"This is the way I want it. I will take back the other two days and John will be just doing his work for the Boards soon, anyway, his doctor likes him to take it easier after…" Susan snapped her mouth shut, realizing what she was about to say. She was pretty sure Jack didn't know that John had been so ill or about the transplant.

Jack was staring at her, she could see it in his eyes, she had said too much.

"After what, Susan? Is John okay?"

"He's fine, just needs to take it easy, he caught a virus in Darfur, and the doctor wants him to not push his luck." Susan tried to cover. "Really, he's perfectly healthy now, but he has cut back a lot on work, we have 5 kids, and he has two Boards, and he works a bit on a volunteer basis at the clinic, that is more than full time hours. No more shift work for either of us, not until the kids get older, and even then I don't think either of us want to get back into that gruelling schedule. We've paid our dues."

Jack nodded. "Are you sure that everything is okay? He isn't using drugs again is he?"

Susan sighed in irritation. "No, he is not using drugs, Jack. He hasn't used drugs for 10 years, he went to rehab, he got better, and he has no intention of doing it again. How can you even ask that?"

"His cousin turned himself into a vegetable using Heroin, I thought John would know better, but he still got himself addicted. So, I think it is a fair question."

"First of all, it's not a fair comparison, Chase used street drugs, Heroin and such and though I don't know the reasons specifically, I do know Chase was not suffering from untreated PTSD. He was not violently attacked by a deranged patient in the work place and he did not watch a colleague bleeding to death. Second, it's not your business anyways."

"He's my son, it is my business."

"Your adult son who has managed for years without your interference in his life. If you so disapprove, why are you even here."

Susan was not taking any of Jack's crap, in her view, John had taken enough of it over the years and it stopped here and now.

Jack sighed. "I love my son, Susan. You may not understand that, but I don't disapprove, I just disagree with a lot of the things he's done. He said something to me before he walked out in New York, and I wanted to try and fix things with him. One day you will see, it is hard to stand by and watch your child make mistake after mistake and not have him listen to you when you try to give him advice."

Susan sighed. This was not going to go well, she could already tell.

"What mistakes do you think he made?"

"I wish he had embraced the family business, given up on this doctor nonsense. He suffered needlessly, the long hours in a County hospital? Dealing with street bums? If he had seen sense, he would not have been stabbed, he would not have turned to drugs, he would not have dated some of these…undesirable women, he would have married by the time he was 25 and have kids almost grown, not trying to raise his kids now he is 40 years old. Having affairs and women showing up on the doorstep with two years."

"So, all of these doctors and medical professionals that he's dated are undesirables? Thanks Jack, I'd rather be who I am, not the trophy wife you wanted your son to marry, at 25? You were pressuring him date and marry some socialite when he was 25? Are you insane? You would have driven him to drugs anyways Jack, why do you think Chase used?"

"Oh who knows. These young kids, they had everything handed to them, that is why I don't get John half the time, he acts like being wealthy is some kind of curse. He wanted for nothing, ever. yet he still became a drug addict."

Susan tried softening her tone, knowing she was not getting through to him.

"Chase used because he was being forced into a mold, John didn't allow himself to be forced into something he didn't want to be. He loves medicine, I don't know why you can't accept it. He is really good at it too, like amazingly good, you should see some of the saves he pulled off. You know those people scraped off the road, cut out of cars after those horrific accidents? Who do you think takes care of them when they come through that door? Your son does, that's who. Or he did for 11 years of his life. That major train derailment years ago? He was on site and saved quite a number of people. Having a heart attack? He could save your ass, as could I."

Jack shrugged. "So could any number of people, he should have embraced our family tradition, become part of the business."

"Why? So he could be miserable, married to some ditsy brainless woman who is most interested in her next salon appointment and sucking the money out of his pocket?"

"I like you Susan, but you married him, you knew he was wealthy when you married him."

"I've always known, Jack, I've know him since he was 23, and I would have married him even he didn't have a dime. Not that it would be the case, he has worked hard for the last 20 years as a doctor. He knows how to avoid gold diggers, Jack, his grandmother certainly taught him well. You would have had him marry a gold digger, John went totally the other way."

"Well that is certainly true, he always went the other way didn't he, if we said left, he went right, we said up, he'd say down. Ornery and stubborn."

"Yes he can be, but he is also way too smart to waste his life, your son is brilliant in a way you just don't get. He got through medical school and was accepted into Surgery, that was an amazing accomplishment, the competition for surgical internships is dog eat dog. By far the toughest and most demanding speciality, and he did it. Have you read anything he's published?"

"Published? What, he wrote a book?"

"No, not a book, he writes for medical journals, he just published on the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Africa, on the work being done there and he also just published a joint article with Todd Becker on designing inner city health centres. He was the driving force behind the Carter Centre, he took the idea from nothing and made it into a successful multi million dollar health facility that is now self sustaining. He is on two Board of Directors, the Foundation and the Carter Centre. He is going to leave a legacy you only wished you'd thought of, and he's saved thousands of lives, not only here, in Chicago, but in Africa too. Do you know the kind of balls it takes to run an IDP camp in Darfur? To face down armed gunmen in the Congo? Do you even know your son at all?"

"Is that why he is sick? Does he have HIV? Is that why he is so interested in the cause? Damn African he dated right?"

"Out of everything I just said, you focussed on that? He doesn't have HIV or AIDS, don't be stupid. Kem runs an HIV/AIDS pilot project, she has some fancy health degree from Paris or London, John would know which." Susan sighed again. "Jack, when was the last time you told your son you loved him. When was the last time you looked at him and actually saw him, really took a close look at who he is and what he's accomplished. Despite the fact he grew up with parents who spent more time overseas than with him. You don't know him, face it, he grew up without you, and every time you see him, you have to get in some dig about how he didn't do what you wanted him to. Honestly? At this point I don't know if you can fix things with him, there might be nothing left to fix, do you even get that fact?"

"He was taken care of, he went to good schools, he was close with his grandmother."

"Great, but he still grew up without a mother or a father who were there for him. It has been close to what, 9 or 10 years since he's seen Eleanor, what does that say to him? When was the last time she was really part of his life, I suspect her part in raising him ended about the time he was shuffled into boarding school. He was what, 11 years old at the time? How much time did you spend with him after Bobby died?"

"I called Eleanor the other day, she was mighty hard to track down, but she is going to come see John."

Susan's eyes widened. "Are you sure that was a good idea? I mean, almost 10 years Jack, I don't think John is going to like it."

"Like what?" John walked into the kitchen, Devon half asleep in his arms. "Jack. What are you doing here? And what would I not like?"

Jack looked at his son, noting that he was being called 'Jack', not dad, and the cold look in his sons eyes. John looked annoyed with him, not at all welcoming.

"Can I take Dev up for you?" Susan offered.

"No thanks, sweetie, it will be easier if I just put him in his bed, he is half asleep." John headed for the stairs wondering what his dad was doing in his house. He was tired, exhausted really, after the almost sleepless night, trying to help Susan get all the kids back to sleep. He took his time, getting Devon into his bed for a nap, then stopping off in the master bedroom to freshen up. He finally went back down, hoping his dad would give up and leave, but of course he was still there.

"I just made coffee, would you like some." Susan wrapped her arms around him, giving him a hug and a kiss, taking her time letting go, trying to give him extra support. She felt his squeeze, a silent acknowledgement. She knew this was not going to be a happy night, not after dealing with Jack.

"Yes, please. Everyone still sleeping?" He asked, even though he was just upstairs, and had peeked in on the babies, keeping his distance so as to not wake them.

"Yes, I am going to get Cosmo, and I'll be back in a few minutes." Susan grabbed her shoes and left quickly.

John sipped from the cup Susan had poured before she left, leaning back against the counter.

"You look tired." Jack watched him, leery of the reception he was going to get.

"Yes, we had cranky children last night, I had to get up early and go to work. Why are you here?" John cut to the chase. "I thought I was pretty clear when I left New York, I'm done. Jack, there is nothing you can say that I want to hear. I would appreciate it if you just left, I'm not in the mood."

"Not in the mood? What kind of crap is that, and what is all this 'Jack' stuff, I'm your father, not some business acquaintance."

"Whatever, to me you're just Jack now. I cannot deal with your shit any more. If you can't accept Devon, if you have to make stupid and snide comments every time I see you, then you are not welcome in my house. I really would like you to leave, I can't imagine what you could have to say to me. I just want to raise my kids and be happy with my wife without all the extra drama and crap that comes along when you visit."

Jack inhaled deeply, this was about Devon.

"I didn't say I would not accept Devon, John. He is my grandson, if you accept that he is your child, then I will too."

"Accept that he is my child? He is my child, that is fact, whether it is inconvenient or embarrassing for you, he is 100% for sure my son. Every one of the 5 kids in this house are my kids in one form or another, but I don't care whether you accept them or not. I am past caring, I barely ever see you anyway, it simply doesn't matter Jack. I am who I am, and it has never been enough for you, and I don't give a damn. Stop trying to change me, stop trying to tell me what to do and most of all get the fuck out of my life. I can't deal with it, just go."

"Why did you really come back from Darfur."

"What? Did you not hear me?"

"John. I don't want to go, I want to try and fix this, you are my son, my only family, and I don't want to lose you."

"You've already lost me. All those years you couldn't be bothered? Why should I be bothered with you now, I've survived most of my life without you, with you just on the periphery of everything, never really there, not when I needed you to be. Always having to prove myself, but never quite being good enough to meet your expectations. I like my life, I love Susan, and my kids and I love being a doctor. I never fit your idea of the perfect Carter heir, and I know it royally pissed you off when Gamma left me everything. I didn't ask her to, but I've made the most of it, hey, she got her wish, I run the Foundation, you know they hounded me every family holiday to give up medicine and join the business? You wondered why I stopped going to every last holiday thing? It was always the same, until after grandfather died and Gamma and I started to get close again, like we were when I was younger. Then she died."

"Then you disappeared off the planet, ran off to Africa. I don't know why, what was so bad that you had to run off."

"You want to know? Do you really? Or is that just more accusations and criticism."

Jack nodded. "I really want to know, why did you disappear like that?"

Jack could feel John's assessment, the skepticism in his look, but he sighed deeply and started to speak.

"Fine. Gamma died, left me with a huge responsibility I never wanted, my supposed relationship was on the rocks, you backed out of going to Rio. Like usual you had something more important to do, something more important than spending time with me. I needed time and space to figure things out. And I did, I got out of my own head for a while, and got to see some pretty eye opening things. Then I came back, Abby and I broke up, not that there was much left of the relationship at that point, Luka went missing in Africa and I went back to get his body, but ended up finding him alive. Things were simple there, get up help people, go to sleep, and I had nothing, no one in Chicago to rush home to, so I stayed. End of story."

"You went because I backed out on Rio?"

"Partly. I had holiday time booked, I didn't want to go to Rio alone."

"You should have taken Abby. She was the woman of the hour, as much as she was wrong for you."

"You really don't listen do you…Abby and I were not doing well together, she was busy with her brother, she would never have gone and left him. Who else could go on such sort notice, I guess I could have gone and just picked up women for two weeks, would that have been a better idea?"

"No worse than picking up women in Africa. Or wherever you find them."

"Wow we're back to Kem, right? So you're a bigot too? I know you never liked her, but you never even spoke more than two words to her. Which is crazy, you know she grew up in Paris and London? She was brilliant, well educated and her mom is whiter than you. She went to Oxford and had a Masters in public health, she was not some backwoods uneducated tramp like you seem to think. She was not perfect but she did not deserve your attitude when you met her. You have barely tolerated the few girlfriends of mine that you have met, you never even give them the chance. Susan is probably the only one you have taken the time to speak more than 5 words to or even be civil to, I think you like her more than you like me."

"That is not true, though I do happen to like Susan quite a lot. I just didn't think Kem was the right woman, and obviously you agreed, you ran around on her and divorced her."

"We had problems, I won't deny it, and I am not about to explain what went wrong there, but I was not the only one who cheated, so you can just take your accusations and you know what to do with them. You have absolutely no idea what went on, so don't pretend you do, and for you to judge me, well, I happen to know that you were not always faithful to Eleanor, so you know what they say about glass houses. Are we about done here? I'm tired and I'd like you to leave now."

Jack stood up, non plussed that John made the direct statement about his past liaisons. He'd had no idea that John knew about any of them, or how he knew, but he sure seemed to. He could also see they were getting nowhere, John was just getting more pissed off with him.

"We aren't done John, not by a long shot. If you think I am going to give up on you so easily, you're wrong. I'm sorry if you have ever thought I was disappointed in you or didn't care, but…I made mistakes, I let your mother drag me away, trap me in her bubble, and I will always regret it. I have a lot to make up for and despite your opinion, I really do want to see my grandchildren grow up, I do want to know them, and I hope you will let me visit. I've been a bad father, I was a bad son, you took care of my mother in the last few years of her life, you were there for her and I wasn't. I know that is why she did what she did, she expressed her disapproval and disappointment in me as a son and a father. And she was right, I abandoned you when you needed me most, and more than once. I had no idea how much damage this inflicted, but I get it, finally. I'm sorry."

Jack turned and left, not daring to look back, not wanting to hear any more words out of Johns mouth right at that moment, he didn't think he could take any more at that point. He got in his rental car and made it back to the hotel before he broke down. Knowing his son hated him, wanted him out of his life, it was devastating to him. He had lost Bobby, so young when he'd died. He'd let Eleanor run his life all these years, and in doing so he'd let his other son down, and forgiveness was not easily had at this point.

His son simply didn't need him, he could see very clearly that his son had things he'd never had. The love of a woman, true love if he was any judge, Susan loved his son in a way Eleanor was not even capable of. A houseful of kids, a career he loved.

John sat on the couch, tipping his head back on the cushions, closing his eyes. He was exhausted, beyond tired. He went upstairs, stripped down to his boxers and crawled into bed, pulling up the covers, wishing for the world to go away. It felt beyond him at the moment to cope with it all, for the first time in a long time he wanted a fix so badly, the last time he felt like this was when Kem betrayed him, he thought he was okay, but his dad had just pulled down his house of cards and he was barely holding it together. He closed his eyes, curling up, trying to breath.

Susan got home with Cosmo, she had stopped in the park to let John have a bit of time before she got home. When she arrived, the rental car was gone and the house was still, so quiet.

"Start your homework, and I will be down in a few minutes to make us some dinner."

Susan peeked in the office then went upstairs to check on the kids. They were all still asleep, and no sign of John. She knew he had to be here, he would not have left the kids alone in the house, she went to the bedroom, seeing the trail of clothing and the form in the bed. She sighed, annoyed that he was sleeping when she was still up, they'd had the same amount of sleep and she knew all the kids would be up soon.

"Hey, if I don't get to sleep, neither do you." She dropped onto the bed, but there was no answer. John was still curled up, she pulled back the covers slightly, recognizing that he wasn't really asleep, and that something wasn't right either.

"John, are you okay?" She moved close, wrapping her arms around him, letting him rest his head against her. "Hey, what happened? John?"

She heard his shaky inhalation. "Why did he come here, why couldn't he just leave me alone. He thinks he can just drop back into my life whenever and it's all going to be okay. Please don't let go, I want…I need something, but I just can't, I can't, I won't."

"Sh, I'm sorry, I should have just told him to go. Take a deep breath. What do you want? What are you talking about?"

"I need a fix, so bad, but I can't, I can't, just don't let me go anywhere, don't let me go. When it gets like this, I'm so tired, and so stressed out and pissed off, why couldn't he just leave when I asked him to go."

Susan rubbed the back of his neck and kissed the side of his face. "Hey, I'm here, just relax, and breath."

She was a bit concerned, she had never seen him react like this, it was almost like withdrawal symptoms.

"What can I do?"

"Just stay with me until it passes, I'll be okay, just…stay here with me."

John was breathing easier already, her soft touch, her familiar scent calmed him, he drew her to him, wanting her close.

"Okay, I'm here." Susan rubbed his back in soft circles, kissing him gently, his neck, his hair, then the side of his face, she lifted his chin, and kissed his lips, their arms wrapping around each other.

She felt the need in him, the need for physical and emotional closeness, she kept kissing him, trying to pull him out of is downward spiral. She knew the minute he started to respond, kissing her back, his hands running over her, sliding down her hips. The gentle caress of his hand moving up over her back and into her hair. This was going somewhere she had not intended, but she was not going to stop it, she was starting to desire him as much as he needed her.

Their kisses were becoming deeper, more passionate, clothing coming off, and she was glad she had closed the bedroom door behind her, no way was she going to break this spell they were both under. He was kissing and teasing her breasts now, moving down her body as she ran her hands into his hair, the covers in a tangle around them as he covered her with his mouth, gripping the short strands tightly.

"Yes, baby, like that." She whispered, arching her back with a whimper as she came. He moved up her body, she wrapped her legs around him, their bodies starting to rock together until she moaned softly, then they rolled, Susan now on top, sliding her body up and down his trying to be quiet as they both came together.

She lay cuddled against his chest, her eyes getting heavy as he tucked the blankets tight around their slightly sweaty bodies, his arms cradling her against his chest. They both were exhausted, emotionally drained, taking comfort from the closeness making love always brought them.

Next she knew John was shaking her gently.

"Suze. Susan, baby, wake up." John kissed her brow, his hands caressing her gently, easing her in to consciousness.

"What time is it?"

"About 6:30. You have to get up for work."

"What?" She felt confused, last she remembered she was going to make dinner, but John was upset and they'd fallen asleep. Now it was morning?

"You have to get ready for work, baby. Go have a shower and I will make you something to eat, you must be starving."

She could smell the shampoo in his hair, it was still damp from his shower as she reached up to run her fingers through it.

"You didn't wake me? How did you manage last night?"

"I ordered in, got Cosmo and Devon fed, then got the babies up. Cosmo helped me feed them, he is a really great big brother. It went fine, and you needed the sleep, you were a zombie."

John smiled at her, the night before had gone smoothly, he had fallen asleep in Susan's arms after making love, totally calm all of the sudden, his need to get high faded away. He had woken to Cosmo shaking him, wanting dinner at about 6 pm, Susan was fast asleep, so he just took care of things, knowing she was incredibly exhausted. He had fed everyone, taken them to the park then come back, doing bath time like an assembly line with a bit of help from Cosmo, and a tiny bit from Devon too, who was trying to emulate Cosmo and 'help' daddy. They'd read stories and gotten everyone tucked in again, he finished up a bit of work and managed to get to bed by midnight.

Susan had still been sleeping even when he got up for a shower, he let her sleep as long as he could, but she did have an important meeting this morning, so she could not even go in late.

John dropped her robe on the bed and left, shutting the door. She realized she was stark naked under the covers, the last thing she remembered was making love to her husband before her eyelids closed. She had intended just to rest her eyes for five minutes, which turned into 14 hours, and he had left her to sleep.

She slid out of bed, wrapping her robe around her and padded into the bathroom, turning the shower on full blast. She woke up quickly, feeling pretty damn great, and even better when she came out into the bedroom, finding a steaming cup of coffee waiting for her on the bedside table. Fixed perfectly, just how she liked it of course. John had known her long enough to know exactly how she liked her morning coffee, and that she would not function as well without it.

She sipped the coffee as she dressed and did her makeup, finally making it downstairs, John was flipping an omelet onto a plate for her, Cosmo was eating as was Devon, and the babies were playing happily in the living room.

He looked fine, last night he had been melting down, and you would never know it this morning.

"Hey." She pulled him to her, stroking his face before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him deeply. "Did you get some sleep too?"

"Yes, I did. Not 14 hours, but enough." He pecked her lips then pushed her towards the plate of food. "Eat, you have the meeting in an hour."

Susan gasped in horror, realizing that she had not finished the notes she needed.

"Oh crap, I still have a couple hours work on that report. John, you should have woken me up."

"Done, baby, it's done. Right there, flip through it while you eat so you are familiar, and relax."

"You finished it? John, you are an angel, thank you, I was going into heart failure."

"Hey, we share the job right? I knew what needed to go into the report, it didn't take that long and you really needed the sleep.

Susan gave her head a slight shake, his rebound was astounding to her, he went from a basket case to super dad in the matter of hours, and on top of that he'd let her sleep while he finished the report she had been furiously working on yesterday before she was interrupted.

She gave him an extra long kiss before she made her way out the door. "I love you baby, get some rest today, and we will talk tonight."


	32. Secrets

Abby wandered down the hallway, looking for her patient, wanting to check up on them before she went home for the day.  She almost collided with a dark haired woman coming out of one of the private rooms.

"Sorry, sorry, not watching where I was going."  The woman looked a bit familiar, Abby glanced into the room as the woman strode down the hall, meeting the gaze of Harper Tracy.  

Abby felt a bit awkward, but Harper smiled slightly.  "Abby, right?"

"Yeah, you're Harper.  Carter's...friend."

Harper laughed lightly.  "Yes, that's right, though I think we both know that John and I were more than just friends.  I am sure all of County has the picture by now, knowing the rumour mill around this place, a two year old son is kind of proof positive we had more than friendship going on.  Come in for a minute."  She though it a bit odd that Abby called John 'Carter'.  She knew that most people called him that at work, it had become his nickname really, but considering how seriously Abby had dated John, it felt a little off to her.  Then again, to her, John had always been 'John' and never 'Carter'.  It seemed a little impersonal for someone who had been his girlfriend and lover.

"Um, okay, I shouldn't stay long, I have to check on a patient before I go home."

"They will be by soon to take me for physio anyway.  I cannot wait to get out of here, though where I am going next I am not sure.  I can't go back to Germany yet, my parents are in a retirement home.  I suppose I will have to talk to John and we will figure things out."

"Germany.  You live in Germany?  How did that happen, you went to school here right?"

"Yes, but I joined up years ago, the Air Force paid for my medical school and in return I had to serve.  I found I liked it so I stayed and became an officer and a Physician.   They shuffled me around quite a bit until I landed in Hahn, which is not too far out of Frankfurt.  Have you ever been to Germany?"

"I've barely been anywhere, Minnesota is exotic to me.  I am sure you've been all over the place."

"Yes, I guess I have. I've traveled Europe extensively now, so easy to do being close. Lots of places I would still like to go, but eventually I will get there."

"Where is the most exotic or interesting place you've been?" Abby leaned against the back of the chair by Harper's bed.

"Darfur." Harper said this straight faced, trying to get a read on Abby as she said this. It gave her a strange sense of satisfaction to get the dig into the woman, knowing how she had reacted to John being in Africa.  "You know, the Sudan? At an IDP camp there, the one John was running actually."

"Wow, huh, imagine, you went to Darfur with Carter." Abby said this softly, wondering at how Harper ended up with Carter in Africa. How they even got together—or back together in this case

"Not with exactly, he was there, and I went to visit him, helped out for three weeks.  It was quite an experience, I can see why he is so passionate about the cause. Too bad in some ways he can't go back though, I know he is missed."

"I am sure Lewis would have his ass if he even thought of going back there. Not with them having such young kids."

"Well that is a consideration, I guess, I was more thinking of his—"  Harper suddenly realized Abby didn't know John had been so ill, that he had never told her about the kidney transplant.   

Abby frowned. "More of his what?"

"Oh, well he's pretty busy here or so I gather, but yes, he would never go long term now. Having kids changes everything. You have kids?" Harper knew she had a son, but she didn't want to let on how much John had shared.

"A son. He's almost 5 now, crazy how fast he is growing up. I'm sure you understand, having your own child. Maybe you wouldn't want him to go back either, given you have a son with Carter."

"Hmmm, well, at this point no, I wouldn't support him going back to work in Africa, he gave enough of himself over there. Time for him to be here with his family.  You've seen Devon a bit I guess, John or Crystal bring him in pretty much every day now so he can visit me."

"Uh huh. He's...cute. Looks like Carter, doesn't he?"

"Oh yeah, he always has. He had lighter eyes when he was born, then they kept getting darker until the were the same colour as John's. Now he is like a little carbon copy, if you look at John's baby pictures, Devon looks exactly like him and Bobby. Barbie looks more like Eleanor, but that makes sense, I think John takes more after Jack in a lot of ways.

"Barbie?" Abby gave Harper a look.

"John's half sister?  The one who lives in Europe?  She looks like his mom, or I thought so when I met her in Rome.  We spent a few days on their boat off the coast of Italy...boat, I mean yacht.  We went to Capri, that was kind of neat actually. Barbie is kind of high maintenance but nice overall."

"John has a sister?" Abby was frowning at Harper. "He doesn't have a sister. He never mentions her, and he sure the hell never talked about you. Ever."

Harper shrugged. "We dated for about six months when we were medical students, he was twenty-four. How old was John when you dated him?"

"Thirty-one.  Almost thirty-two actually."

"Seven, almost eight years later, is it really a surprise he didn't mention me?  Did you tell him about every man you ever dated?  The guy you dated when you were twenty-four?"

"I did actually, but then again, I married Richard and we were together for quite a long time. Carter didn't get married until Kem, he just dated a lot of women. You know Kem?" Abby was studying Harper almost as intently as she was sure Harper was studying her.  It felt like a pissing contest all of the sudden, like Harper knew way more than she was letting on about her time with Carter.

"No. I know of Kem, but I don't personally know her. She wasn't around anytime I was, that was for sure, probably for the best, I don't think she would want me around considering."

Abby snorted. "Yeah, I just bet, considering you were sleeping with her husband?  I'm sure that went over really well with his wife."

Harper shrugged. "Don't judge Abby, you obviously have absolutely no clue what went on in Paris or in Africa."

"No I guess I don't, I sure never thought he would be the guy to cheat on his wife, but I apparently don't know him as well as I thought I did. I must say I'm glad we broke up when we did, he showed his true colours. There was a time when Carter and I were really close, he would have told me what happened, but after we broke up he withdrew, it ruined our friendship."

"Well, breaking up can do that, Abby, I'm sure you know that, and it depends on the circumstances when it all ends. If it's messy, then of course you don't want to share things with that person, not like you would have when you were together. As for his true colours?  No, you don't know him nearly as well as you seem to think you do, and again, you have no idea why and perhaps people in glass houses should not throw stones."

"You and Carter seem close though, and you dated and broke up at some point, how have you stayed friends with him?  You got back together with him so many years later."  Abby narrowed her eyes at the glass houses comment, making her think that somehow...Harper knew she has cheated on Luka.  Carter, she must have heard from Carter.

"Different circumstances. We were students, and we knew we were not ready for commitment, it was dating, fun, you know?  When we broke up it was messy at first, but we had time to talk and figure it out and parted as good friends.  When I ran into him in Paris, it was like finding a long lost friend, it was amazing really, I hadn't seen him for about twelve years, but I knew it was him, he's changed but not that much.  It was so strange, running into him like that, he hadn't been in town long, and would probably have been back in Africa by the next day. But I convinced him to take a little side trip, and it was a lot of fun."

"A side trip?" Fun. Abby almost rolled her eyes, yeah, she just bet Harper had 'fun', with Carter. They'd managed at some point to make a baby, now she knew it was not a one time thing, they had apparently been carrying on with each other for a while. There was a really interesting story in here somewhere, she was dying to know what it was.

"Mmhm. We went to Monte Carlo. Then bummed around Italy, you know, Milan, Venice, Verona, Florence, Siena, Pisa, ran into Barbie in Rome, she invited us to the Solange...their fancy yacht, her husband Phillippe is some kind of Italian billionaire or something. Ended up on Capri, and along the Amalfi Coast. Then afterwards we spent a few more days, went to Naples, Pompeii, touristy stuff until I had to go back to Hahn and he went back to Darfur."

"Just how long was this 'side trip'?" Abby was feeling a little jealous, this woman had been all over Italy with Carter?

"Mm, just over three weeks we spent touring around. I got a bit spoiled really, we got together again a few more times, different places in Europe, then he invited me to Darfur. I had three weeks off so I went.  It was an eyeopening, incredible experience."

"Just how long were you seeing him for?"

"On and off for about four months, then he had to come back to Chicago."

"Doesn't it make you upset or angry he got together with Lewis? I mean, you two were getting serious, four months?  You had his baby, you come here and he's married with kids?"

"No. It wasn't that kind of relationship at all, it was no strings attached, which people seem to find hard to comprehend.  He came home and found the woman he wants to be with, have a family with, and I'm happy for him, really truly happy.  He deserves it, it has not been an easy go for him, for so many reasons, he seems to be where he needs and wants to be, that is a good thing, Abby. I'd never interfere in his marriage."

"Oh." Abby was speechless. Harper wasn't at all how she pictured her, she was just so together, and oddly supportive of Carter and Lewis. "You didn't have an issue interfering between him and Kem."

"I didn't interfere between him and Kem, they had their own issues. Enough about that, can I ask you something?"

"I guess."

"Why do you call him 'Carter' all the time, I thought you dated him, for almost a year."

Abby shrugged. "Everyone calls him Carter, like a nickname and that is who he is to me.  Why?  Does it matter?"

"Not really."  Totally!  Harper was thinking that Wendall, who had only dated John for about 3 months, called him John. Susan called him John. As did Kem. It was totally strange that Abby was so emotionally disconnected that she would call her boyfriend by his last name.

"Why don't I believe you?" Abby could see something in Harper's eyes.

"Fine. I think it's weird that you would call your ex-boyfriend by a nickname when you dated him for that long. From day one he was John for me, it just sounds not as serious I guess."

Abby frowned, thinking shed never really thought much about it.  On occasion she had called him John, but not often, it had so often been Carter. Had he picked up on that?  Or was it just Harper?"

Just then they came to take Harper for Physiotherapy.

"Nice talking to you Abby." Harper said as they wheeled her out.  

Abby stared out the window for a few minutes, gathering her thoughts.

"Hey. What are you doing in here?"  John recognized Abby, even though her back was turned, he had watched her walk away from him enough times to know who she was instantly.  Why she was in Harper's room was beyond him.

Abby was startled, turning to find Carter looking at her with a slight frown, holding Devon, bouncing the little boy.

"Oh, um, nothing, I was up checking on a patient and stopped to talk to Harper. She seems...nice."

"Okay. Why would you visit Harper?" John was confused as to why Abby would show any interest. He was wondering what had been said between the two women.

"No reason, she just said hi as I walked by." She crossed her arms, tilting her head slightly. "You two had quite the little affair, huh? Italy? Darfur?  Everywhere in between?  Never figured you to cheat, especially on Kem. Well then again, you did sleep with Wendall, right?  And since when do you have a sister?"

"I've always had a sister, Abby, I just don't see her very often. Harper was yanking your chain, I can tell." His eyes narrowed, he was not appreciating her digs or her judgemental attitude when she had gotten blitzed and cheated on Luka. "Glass houses Abby."

"What?"

John sighed. "Harper, she was getting you riled up, she likes to do that, don't worry about what Harper says. In fact, stay away from her, it is none of your business." He was annoyed he was getting this from Abby of all people. He'd put Abby into the past, yet she was still getting in his face far too often.

"He's really cute, Carter." She nodded towards Devon. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Maybe, depends what it is I guess."

"Did you find it weird when we were seeing each other that I called you Carter? Instead of John? I mean most of the time, I called you Carter right?"

He gave her a confused look and shrugged. "Not sure where this is coming from, but...sometimes I suppose. My girlfriends all tended to call me John, except for you, and occasionally Susan, but she always calls me John now. In fact she has since we started seeing each other seriously.  Um, where did they take Harper. I can't stay long."

"Physio. About ten minutes ago, so I bet she will be gone at least an hour."

"Yeah, I am sure she will.  I should go, take care Abby."  John turned to leave, turning this over in his mind. Interesting question, it kind of melded with something both Barbie and Harper had said about Abby. He was too blind to see it at the time, but it gave him a sense of peace now, that she was never the right woman for him. He knew that after they broke up, but it was interesting how Harper and Barbie could know that from the conversations they'd had.

He knew Harper had been analyzing Abby, which led to the odd question Abby had posed. He did need to speak with Harper though, she had obviously let out a little more information than he would have liked. Italy?  Darfur?  Who else would tell Abby these things, Susan was not talking to anyone about Harper, it was still touchy and extremely private, but now the cat was out of the bag. Bad enough everyone speculating about Devon, now everyone was going to hear about Italy, Darfur and all the other places he'd met Harper?

He walked in to the house half an hour later, Elise had dinner started, Ava, Maya and Ben were playing, and John had picked Cosmo up from school on his way home.

"Everything good?  That smells great, Elise."

"Perfect, the kids were good, they got up and had snacks.  Susan called and said she was on her way home, there is a chicken roasting in the oven, everything is prepared and in the warming drawer, by the time she gets home it will all be ready."

Great, thank you.  I can manage if you are wanting to go home, I have my helper here."  John had let Devon loose to go play, and he ruffled Cosmo's hair affectionately.  The boy smiled then went to put his things away neatly and start his homework, he was such a great kid, John felt lucky to have him as a stepson.

"Thanks John, I will gather up my things, by the time I'm ready, Susan will probably be home too."

Susan came in to find John getting the kids to the table for dinner, Elise having left only a few minute before.

"Mommy!"  Cosmo came running to give her a hug.

Susan gave him a warm hug, then sent him back to the table, freshening up before joining them all and giving each of the other kids a hug and kiss, ending with a nice long one for John.

"This is great, thanks sweetie, dinner looks great."

"Well, you will have to thank Elise tomorrow too, she did a lot of the work, I just finished up and put it on the table.  But this is nice, the babies are getting old enough now that we can have some family dinners."  John looked around the table, feeling incredibly happy to have his family all with him.  His beautiful amazing wife and their blended family.  He could not remember the last time he got to sit around a dinner table with his family and have everyone looking happy like this.  It seemed such a small thing, but it was a rarity in his life.  Now with Susan back to work, they would have to make effort, but it would be much easier than when they both worked shifts.  

She seemed happy though, she loved her job and was not ready to give it up.  John however was happy being home more with his kids, enjoying life, taking things a bit easier.  He tried not to think about it too much, but he knew he had to take care of himself, and the happier his life, the better chances he had at staying healthy. He finally had everything, but the reality was, he may not have the chance to see his kids grow up, or get married, or even see his grandkids.

They had a long and noisy dinnertime, with 5 kids around the table it was chaotic, then of course it was time for baths, stories, homework for Cosmo, and some playtime.  By the time they dragged themselves to bed, they were both exhausted.

Susan came out of the bathroom and crawled into bed beside John, he was laying back on his pillow, hands behind his bed, staring at the ceiling.

"What are you thinking?"  She moved close, laying her head on his chest.

"Just how nice that was tonight, with the babies getting old enough to finally join us at the table.  Even though you are working, you get home early enough to eat, I am so glad you didn't take a job with shift work, I know there are pros and cons to it, but this is really great."

Susan leaned up to kiss him.  "It sure is.  That sure didn't happen often in our household, everyone kind of grabbed a plate and went off to eat, and maybe that will happen when are kids are teenagers, but for now, I agree, I like it.  John, are you okay?"

"Yeah, do I not seem okay?"

"I mean last night, you were...I was a bit scared, yet this morning you were just bursting with energy and you managed the kids and everything last night with no problem or help.  I have never seen you like that before."

"I'm sorry.  I was exhausted and my family can just drive me insane.  After New York, well I thought I made it clear to Jack that I didn't want to deal with it anymore yet he just couldn't help himself.  He drops in and out of my life all the time, and I just don't want to deal with it, I can't Susan.  Nothing I ever can or will do will ever be good enough for him and I simply don't even want to try.  Why would I even want to try anymore, you and the kids are my family, that is all I want, for them to leave me alone.  They were so good at that when I was younger, why does he insist now that he wants some sort of relationship?"

"You melted down and I worry about that John.  I don't want to just sweep it under the rug or pretend it didn't happen."

"I'm not trying to Susan, it did happen, I lost it, and I'm sorry if it scared you or made you worried.  It happens once in a while, like a weird panic attack.  It comes and then it goes, and I'm fine until the next one.  They don't happen often, I haven't had one in a couple years, but that is what being around my family does to me.  Aside from Barbie I guess, last visit with her was pretty great, though I haven't seen her since Italy, we do talk once in a while over the phone."

Susan sighed.  "Did your dad tell you that he called Eleanor and told her she should come visit you?"

"What!  No, he didn't tell me that.  If she shows up, I am leaving town, no way do I want to see her.  Bad enough he suddenly wants to play grandpa to my kids, that woman is not coming near our children, absolutely not, no way in hell.  If you let her in this house, I will not be happy."

"Hey, hey, relax, I am not going to let her in, not after what happened with your dad.  What did he say to you?  You were really upset and I still don't know why."

"More of the same, Susan, wanting to know why I took off to Africa like a billion years ago.  He doesn't get it and never will, I'm done, he is no longer my father, he is just Jack, and I will tolerate him at Board meetings, but, that is as far as I am willing to go.  If Eleanor shows up, then she gets the same message.  Good bye, don't let the door hit you on the way out.  Or do, it makes no difference to me."


	33. Chapter 33

John took the stairs two at a time, reaching the ward and striding down the hall to Harper's room. She was finally being released tomorrow but she was not quite ready to go back to military life. John had talked her into staying in Chicago, at least for now, that way he could help with Devon.

They had been taking things day by day, and his biggest wish was that Harper would try to come back to the States permanently so he could be there for his son more often. It was a big thing to ask her though. He'd also been in to see his lawyer, made some changes to his will and he was going to offer Harper a cash settlement or a monthly support payment option to help her raise Devon.

She was not about money, but he had to make the offer and try to support his son in some way, or he would not feel good about it.

He could hear voices coming from her room, he frowned, stopping to listen just outside the door.

"Well, it's nice to finally meet you Harper, it sounds like John has known you for a long time."

"He has, yes. Did he tell you we dated for a while when we were students? Of course back then neither of us were ready for much of anything, medical school is pretty time consuming."

"Yes, I know, he always seemed busy. What are your plans now that you are getting out of here? Back to Germany?"

"In a few weeks, yes."

"Mm, well probably for the best, let John get back to his wife and kids. I assume you are taking…Devon with you?"

John sighed and stepped into the room.

"Jack. Why are you bothering Harper?"

Jack looked up quickly, feeling a bit busted, Harper frowned slightly at John's tone of voice, he was very definitely annoyed at his dad being in her room.

"I'm not bothering Harper, I just thought I would come and introduce myself before she goes home. She is the mother of my grandson, John, I think it is only right I meet her at least once."

John had put Devon down on the bed with Harper, letting him give his mom hugs and sit with her. He placed the envelope on her lap, taking Devon back when he had too much of sitting still, then letting him down to the floor to wander around the room a bit.

Harper went to open the envelope, but John caught her eye and shook his head very subtly, asking her silently to wait until they were alone. She placed it aside, watching Jack's eyes follow it, curiosity in the look. She was pretty sure what was in it, John was offering her child support and there were probably some legal documents for her to look over. She was not sure yet what John had in mind, but she was sure it would be much more generous than he needed to be.

"So, how much are you giving her John?" Jack raised an eyebrow at his son. "Legal documents?"

"Not your business Jack." John said shortly, sitting down in the other chair as Jack picked up Devon, who had wandered up to him.

John said nothing further as his dad bounced Devon on his knee, hoping he would take the hint and go. He had things to discuss with Harper, Deb had agreed to let Harper stay at her place for a couple weeks, then Deb would be on her way back to Chicago. It would give John and Harper a chance to work out some details.

Deb had been surprised at his news, but typically she was supportive, even if a bit teasing about the fact that he was creating his own baseball team. John had not told Deb about the transplant, not yet anyway, so she was light with him, saying how much she looked forward to catching up with her old friend when she got back in the next few weeks.

John was being very selective on who he told about his illness, preferring to keep it private, he did not want the pitying looks and the over solicitous worrying from the people around him, he just wanted to live as normally as possible without being constantly reminded. He did enough worrying on his own, the last couple weeks had been tough, knowing Harper intended to take Devon so far away.

Jack was getting the feeling that John wanted him to go, he place a kiss on the small boys forehead then set him free.

"Go back to daddy Devon." He stood and sighed, knowing John was not kidding around, his son was giving him a pretty clear message, he had run out of patience with him, and Jack was at a loss at how to fix it. John had always been so open, and Christmas had gone well, but after New York it was like he had shut down, and that worried Jack immensely. He knew something major was going on, he just couldn't pin it down.

Susan had sworn that John was fine, and he was not back using drugs, but something was not right with him heath wise, Susan's slip up bothered him. She had been about to say something…something that John didn't want his dad to know.

Jack said good bye to Harper, John was still sitting in the chair, not even looking at him, now with Devon cuddled against him. It made Jack a bit sad, remembering a time when he would sit just like that with his own boys, John and Bobby. How he missed it, the death of his one son had thrown a shadow over his whole family, Eleanor unable to cope.

"Has your mother been to see you?" Jack could not help asking, she had promised over two weeks ago that she would be on the next plane to see her son.

"Eleanor? No, why would she, and honestly, I don't want to see her. She doesn't need to come to Chicago, I don't want her here, I have nothing to say. Tell her not to bother, not that she would anyways, don't waste your time Jack."

"She's your mother, John."

"Right. Sure she is, that is why she is never around. Maybe you still aren't hearing me, typical, you just don't listen. Please go."

Jack nodded and left quietly, making his way down to the ER. He had seen a familiar face there when he came in looking to find Harper, and he wanted to see what Abby had to say.

"Mr. Carter." Abby was very formal with him when he approached her at the admit desk.

"Abby, how have you been?"

"Fine. And you?"

"I've been better. Have you seen John lately?"

"He doesn't work here anymore, you know that right? I have seen him around a bit, but not too much lately."

"Could I talk to you…privately?"

"I…okay, sure." She motioned to the lounge, noting the curious looks she was getting. She was quite sure that people were cluing in that this was John's dad, and something was going on. It always seemed to get peoples attention when it had to do with Carter.

"Coffee?"

Jack shook his head.

"Do you know what is going on with him? With John? There is something he is not telling me, it's big, I know it's really big, but he is shutting me out. Maybe I deserve it, but…Abby, do you know, is he okay? Like really okay?"

Abby frowned, she had been getting the feeling too, her conversation with Harper, she had almost said something, and stopped, some reason why John was not going back to Africa.

"He doesn't confide in me, we broke up a long time ago, and we never got back to being friends like we used to be. I'm sorry, if there is something going on, I would not know about it."

"I'm concerned about his health, Abby. Susan swears he's fine, but there was some reason he came back from Darfur, she just said he'd caught a virus and his doctors had told him to take it easy for a while. He's not working much, just doing stuff with the Board of Directors, spending a lot of time with the kids. He was so insistent on being a doctor, yet he is not utilizing that now. If he was really sick…would he tell you? I outright asked Susan about…I can't even say it. You know, the risks, working in Africa, dating an African?  His history with drugs?  His dating history in general?"

Abby's eyes widened slightly. "You think…are you referring to HIV? I mean, sorry if I'm wrong, but…do you think he's infected? Is that it?"

Jack shrugged. "Why else would he keep it so quiet."

Abby shook her head. "If he had HIV, he would tell me Jack, I don't think that's it. He would never keep that a secret at County, no way would it fly under the radar. I hate to talk out of turn, but…he has dated a few women who work here, and he would be at the very least morally obligated to disclose it to them and the way the rumour mill around here runs, everyone would know. He would be obligated to tell me Jack, and he hasn't. I don't know what is going on in his life, not anymore."

"What happened, with you and John? Why did you break up?"

Abby shrugged. "Life got in the way I guess. But it was so long ago, why does it even matter? He's on his second marriage, he's dated a few other women and he has kids. I don't get why you are even asking me this?"

"I am trying to know my son. He is intent on cutting me out of his life for some reason, and I am trying to figure out why. He is just…not himself lately and frankly it worries me. I feel like I am running out of time, he is my son and he wants nothing to do with me, and…maybe it's payback, I don't know."

"I need to get back to work. Sorry I can't help you, but really, if you want answers maybe ask Susan or Harper, maybe even Wendall Meade, the Social Worker here, but I have no idea."

"Wendall?"

"Ummm, yeah. She and John are…close. They dated before he went back to Africa. Other than that? I don't know who else would have a clue."

Abby watched Mr. Carter leave, but she felt jumpy for the next hour, she could not get what Jack Carter had said out of her mind. There was something off with Carter, she had felt it too. On some level she felt it was ridiculous, his talk of HIV, but on the other hand…he would share that, wouldn't he? Unless he thought it was contracted after they had been together, and they had been careful, all the time. Abby had been paranoid about getting pregnant, and was using the pill and insisted on condoms even after they had been dating for almost a year, and he had not argued with her. Without fail, they had used extra protection. But she still worried.

John sat talking to Harper, closing the door after his dad had left.

"Kind of harsh John."

"You know Harper? I can't take him anymore, you should have heard his comments when I took Devon to New York. Even his little comment asking how much money I am giving you, it is always the same, he was worried about how it would look, I have an illegitimate child, wow that's so shocking, like half the men in Chicago don't. I had an affair, again, he decided that it wouldn't look good, but I happen to know he cheated at times, so…I can't take it Harper. I just can't."

"Ah honey, I'm sorry. Okay, enough said, I will get off your case, sounds like he is on you enough as it is." She slit open the envelope and started to review. "So a one time payment, looks pretty fair."

"That's an annual payment Harper, not a one time settlement. I can break it down monthly, or give it to you annually in a lump sum."

"Annually? Are you losing your mind? Wow John, this is too much. Seriously, I don't expect you to shell out this kind of money, I mean, really? No, I don't want this much. Every year?"

"Harper. He's my son, and it is fair based on my income level. Use what you need and put the rest away for him in an account. Or if it makes you happier, we can set him up an account and put a chunk of it in there and you keep the rest to offset expenses. No one in my house is going without, why should you? Susan and the kids are well provided for Harper, I just want Devon to be okay, you know?"

"He will be John, you don't need to give me so much money, I don't need it, I really don't."

"How much do you want?"

"Not this much. I don't even need a quarter of what you are suggesting John, what did Susan say?"

"Nothing? She is not worried about it, she makes good money and has no expenses to speak of, and besides, this is between you and me, in Susan's view it is my money and she would not want me to ignore my responsibility to Devon. Our kids will never want for anything."

"So she doesn't know how much you are giving me?"

"No? She hasn't asked, she doesn't seem all that concerned about it and it will make no difference to her life at all."

"It is a lot John, I like the idea of putting it in an account for Devon, though I will accept your offer to pay me some of it to help with expenses, you know, so he can join the soccer league or play hockey or whatever he wants to do. The money we put away can cover his schooling when he is ready, maybe he'll want to be a doctor too."

"He will have money for education Harper, I have a fund set up for the kids already, there is money in a special trust, it is properly invested and the earnings are being reinvested regularly. Ava, Maya, Ben and Devon all will get some of those funds for their education. Susan has something figured out for Cosmo with Chuck, and she didn't want him added."

John didn't mention that he had set up trust funds for each of his children. It had been a tough discussion with Susan, but he had to exclude Cosmo, simply because she had not wanted him to do anything special, but he had put in a bequeath for the boy in his will, so he would not be left out. Not that he would be, he supposed, Susan was of course figuring greatly into his estate planning, she would be well taken care of if something happened to him and Cosmo being her son, he would naturally stand to benefit.

At the very least Cosmo would have money for education and get a good debt free start in his life.

"Harper."

"John." She smiled at him, this was becoming surreal.

"Please don't go back to Germany."

Harper studied his face, she could see he was dead serious.

"I have to John, my life is there. I need to get out of your life and go back to mine. We will make sure you see Devon, I don't want to cut you out of his life, but my work is important to me, just like yours it to you."

"I know Harper, I just…really want you to stay. So I can spend more time with him, we both know it is going to be difficult with you on another continent. Please Harper, consider it?"

She shook her head. "No, John, I can't."

He nodded slowly, then picked up Devon. "Say good night to mommy." He placed the boy on the bed so Harper could give him hugs and kisses, and motioned to the papers.

"Make notes on what you want changed and I will pick them up tomorrow and get them revised. We can take you to the apartment tomorrow, it will give you a couple weeks to get better before you fly home."

Harper watched him scoop up Devon, and leave, she knew this was going to be gut wrenching, saying good bye and watching him say good bye to Devon.

John went down to the ER as he'd heard Cate was looking for him, Jerry pointed at the lounge, John went in, but didn't see Cate, he turned to leave almost running directly into Abby who was blocking the door.

"I have to ask you something John, and it's really personal, but I think you owe me an answer."

"I owe you an answer? About what? Seriously, my personal life is none of your business."

"This is. Your dad came down to see me."

"Well, isn't that just great. I hope you had a nice chat with Jack. What did he want?"

"There is no easy way to say this, so…are you sick?"

"Um, why are you asking me this?"

Abby narrowed her eyes. "What do you have Carter. Your dad seems to think something big is going on with you, and that it's health related. He thinks…he asked me if you have HIV."

Carter opened his mouth, then closed it. He stared at her, which was making Abby nervous, he wasn't denying it, that was a bad sign in her books.

"What?" He was practically speechless.

"Your dad thinks…you know…Africa…Kem…it's not ridiculous Carter, everyone knows there is a huge issue there, and it's not like you are exactly innocent either, you have been with a lot of women, you have had transfusions, you used drugs, maybe you were exposed. If you have it Carter, you need to tell me, I could be affected, and Joe, and Luka."

Carter sighed, then put Devon on the couch, sitting beside him and rubbing his hands on his face.

"It just keeps getting better and better. Yeah it is ridiculous Abby, I wasn't out sleeping with half of Africa, and out of everyone…Kem? She has a degree in public health, she's not stupid or reckless. I may be a bit of a slut, but I don't pick up hookers in bars, Abby, you should know better than that. I do not have HIV, you can just relax, if I did you could be sure I would tell you so you could be tested…not that you don't already, you've had needle sticks before and could be exposed here just as easily as in Africa. You and I were also pretty careful if I recall, I don't think we ever had sex without a condom. Another thing to thank Jack for, starting rumours about my health. That is just…so awesome." The sarcasm in his voice was evident, she knew he would probably be swearing about now, but Devon was in the room.

"When was the last time you got tested, Carter."

"Very recently. I get blood tests done regularly and have HIV testing every 6 months as part of that."

Abby frowned. "Why so often? Were you exposed?"

"No, not that I am aware of anyways." John leaned his chin on his hands, staring at the floor, not wanting to get into this, but knowing he was going to have to confront Jack. "He left, right? Jack left?"

"Yes, an hour or so ago. What is going on with you, you are acting so weird lately. Susan said something about a virus, you came home because you were sick?"

"Susan told you that? You've been asking Susan about my health?"

"No, I promise, it was Jack who asked her."

"Jack asked Susan about it? Wow." Carter was extremely annoyed at this point. "Fine, Abby, if you have to know, I came back to get on the UNOS list. I was sick, I had to come home for treatment, all right? I don't have HIV. If I did I sure wouldn't need to come back the to US for that, I had easy access in Africa to plenty of drugs at a fraction of the cost you get them here, considering what Kem did for a living."

"UNOS? Carter, you are on the UNOS list, for what?"

"I _was_ on the list, for a kidney, I only had one working kidney thanks to Sobricki. I got sick and an infection destroyed my only working kidney, so then sent me to Nairobi for dialysis then I came back to Chicago. I had a transplant a couple years ago, Jack doesn't know, and I would like to keep it that way."

"You didn't tell your family?"

"No. Barbie and I are not that close and Jack, well I am guessing you know how close we are, and Eleanor I haven't seen in years. So no, I didn't tell them. Some people here know but it is personal and private, they don't discuss it, and it has been a while now so no one makes a deal out of it. So don't make a deal out of it, okay? It's not your concern, I didn't give you some infectious disease so you can stop freaking out. Discussion closed." He picked up Devon. "Tell Cate I'll catch her later if you see her, I just want to get the hell out of this hospital."

Abby sat heavily on the chair at the table after Carter left. Kidney transplant. She was near tears, this was a bit of a shock to her, she had loved him so much at one point, and now…he almost died again without her knowing.

John got home in the mid afternoon, letting Elise go as the kids were all napping. He put down Devon for a nap, watching him sleep, thinking that this might be one of the last times he was here for a long time. He could feel it settling in over him, the frustration and depression, having gained a son, but knowing he was going to be taken away again all too soon.

He didn't know what else he could do, he'd asked Harper, practically begged her not to take his son back to Germany, but in the end, it wasn't his choice. It felt like so little in his life was his choice or under his control.

Jack, that just took the cake today, asking Abby that kind of question? He had never intended to tell Abby that he had been ill, but it came out, and he could not take it back, now she knew. He supposed it didn't much matter, but he really was trying to keep this to himself, he didn't want everyone to know. By the time Susan got home, the kids were up and he'd had some playtime with them, Cosmo had been picked up by Chuck for the weekend.

He was putting the finishing touches on dinner as she walked through the door, looking happy if a bit tired from work. He tried to cover how down he was feeling, being with the kids this afternoon had helped, but the rest of the day had not gone well, at all.

"Hey, that looks great John." Susan wrapped her arms around his neck, planting a large kiss on his lips before she helped get dinner on the table and they worked together to get everyone including themselves fed.

Susan was watching John closely all through dinner, she could see he was putting on an act, he was great with the kids, loving and attentive, but something was bothering him. They were finally able to have some quiet time together, Susan cuddled up to him on the couch, loving the feel of his arms around her.

"What is up with you tonight? You don't seem yourself the past while and tonight is really noticeable. What happened today?"

"What didn't. I took Devon to see Harper of course, I get there and Jack is visiting her. He never hears me, I swear, I want him to ease up, back off and he is talking to Harper, I heard him tell her it was probably best if she went home and got out of my life. Then he asks me if Eleanor has been to see me. He tops that off by going to talk to Abby of all people."

"Abby? Why would he visit Abby?"

"She's my ex girlfriend, and apparently he figured that if I was sick I would tell her, because for some reason he has it in his head that...I have HIV and am hiding it from him. So Abby is all confrontational, demanding to know what is going on with my personal health because Jack is starting rumours. So I had to tell her, I didn't want to, but now she knows about the transplant."

"Jack said that to Abby. Wow, you know, he was grilling me the other day and asked the same thing, I told him you were fine, but I guess he didn't believe me."

"No he didn't, I guess my African wife infected me with it. He has a real problem with the fact she was not a white girl for some reason.  Or maybe it was the drug addiction, I am such a screw up, now I'm dying from AIDS apparently.  Then of course Harper will probably be going back to Germany soon, and she is going to take Devon with her. We have to sort it out, and it is not easy. She is under the impression that it will work out, be okay, he can come see me or I can go see him and…when he gets older it will be easier."

"That's probably true, I would understand if you need to go to Germany to see him John, and he is welcome to come stay. As he gets older it will get easier, it gets easier all the time with Cosmo."

She could see something was still bothering him.

"Okay what. You have this look on your face, just say it."

John was not sure he wanted to say it out loud, because it made it all too real, but they had been avoiding the conversation far too long.

"What if I'm not here when he gets older Susan. She's missing the obvious, I may not be here to see any of the kids grow up. This is so…difficult, I'm fine right now, but anything could happen, Susan, I could be leaving you with four kids to raise, and I know financially you will be okay, but…having Devon so far away, I can't be part of his daily life, I could lose the chance to know him. He may lose the chance to know me."

Susan turned to look up at him.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't pretend you don't understand, Susan, we both know what the survival rates are after transplant. That is what I am talking about, I have been trying to take care of myself, but we know things could change quickly. I want to stay positive, I get it plays a part, but for me to get to be say…78 like my grandmother? It might not happen, in fact it's unlikely. I finally have everything, but who knows how long it will last?"

Susan felt it wash over her, the reality, something they never really talked about, even if they both knew the truth. Her husband had an above average chance of becoming ill again, facing dialysis, another transplant, or even having to make the choice to end treatment altogether. The 10 year survival rate for kidney transplant was something she avoided thinking about, she was so happy with John, she knew being with him carried this risk of losing him.

Of course no one had guarantees in life, working in an ER gave her that insight, but still, facing the fact that someone close to you could be gone in the blink of an eye was not something she could dwell upon, but neither could they ignore the fact that they both had feelings about it.

She leaned in to wrap her arms around him, inhaling deeply, knowing that he was finally bringing something out into the open, something that they both thought about, the elephant in the room. The thing that threatened their happiness more than anything else ever could, the fact that John was facing his own mortality, and had more than once in his life.

It suddenly made sense, his rejection of Jack's overtures in his life, his bowing out of so much going on at the Centre to spend more time with the kids. His sadness at the thought of his son being so far away. Sure Ava, Maya and Ben were right here, as was Cosmo, but Devon was his child too.

She felt the tears start down her face, she couldn't even speak, the thought of losing him so devastating to her, the knowledge that he was not making this up or exaggerating the truth. He would leave a legacy, and obviously she and the kids would be well taken care of financially, but she couldn't bear the thought of doing it alone. Of being without him.

"John." She sobbed against his shoulder, unable to even put on a brave face for him. "Please don't say that, please, you can't leave me, please don't leave me."

She felt his lips warm against her neck, he was holding her tightly against him.

"Oh honey, you know I don't want to, and I will do everything not to, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

John felt this was almost worse now, he had made Susan break down and cry, he should have kept the thoughts to himself. He knew in reality that Susan was aware that even with the transplant he could potentially get sick again, but they had skirted around it.

His follow ups with the doctor had all been very positive, but he had to face the truth of his existence. He was living on borrowed time, he had been forever, and he had to do everything possible to cut out the negative from his life. He knew that having his family, being happy, would greatly improve his odds of surviving, which was why he had made the decisions he had recently.

He refused to let Abby rile him up. He told Jack things he should have said long ago and was trying to remove him from his life, the criticism and non acceptance was something he had no time for. Keep his family close and cut back on work hours, spend as much time with his kids as possible, make sure they had some good memories of him, in case something happened. In short, he wanted to make the most of every day, live each day like his last, because he knew from experience that he would never know when that last day would come for him. Maybe sooner than expected, and he didn't want to have regrets.

He knew it could happen to anyone, people died every day, but right now he felt like the clock was ticking, every day, and he was feeling the pressure, a huge amount of pressure.

"Oh baby, no." Susan was still clinging to him. "We need to be open with each other, I'm sorry for the waterworks, I just…this is so hard to talk about. I love you so much John, and I don't know what life would be like without you, but I never want you to feel like you can't talk to me about everything or anything that is on your mind. I know the reality, I do, and it's easier to pretend, but…I suddenly get it. I thought there was something really wrong, but you know, something is really right about what you are doing. I understand, suddenly I understand."

"Do you?"

"Yes, John, I do. The whole thing with your dad…its stressful for you, and whenever he comes around it takes its toll, his expectations. Your mom, she is no better, I get that. How you have cut down on work, you want to be with the kids more, right? It's not because you don't love your work, it's not because anything is wrong, you just want to be there, to watch them grow up."

"Yeah, you get it, you do, that is exactly what I have been doing. I don't want Harper to take Devon back to Germany because it takes time away from our kids, or from you, and from Devon. But I need to be fair to her too, she loves her work and I can't take it away, and I can't take him away from her, but I am torn, I want him closer. I know it's selfish, but…I want all my kids close, I don't want them to grow up without knowing they had a father who loved them."

"Loves them John, you love them, not in the past tense. No matter what, they will always know you love them, you are a great daddy to all of them. You are even terrific with Cosmo. Maybe Harper will change her mind."

"No, I asked her Susan, out right asked her to stay, to move closer, but her life is there, and that is where she wants to be. My life is not her problem, she wasn't even going to let me meet him, so I suppose what I am getting is better than nothing. At least I can arrange visitation, go see him in Germany, and she has agreed I can have him come here to visit us, we are working out terms now. I offered her support and she is supposed to read through the papers. I can have him at least one full month out of the year staying with us here, but it is not the same as being able to see him regularly, every week. But I will take what I can get."

It broke Susan's heart, he sounded so resigned, so sad, and she knew the day Harper left to go back to Germany was going to be a very difficult one for all of them. They had gotten so used to having Devon with them, she had come to love the little boy as well. Susan worried what this was going to do to John, she could tell, he had been struggling lately, trying to come to terms with so much in his life, it never seemed to end.


	34. Chapter 34

Susan rolled over in the warm bed, feeling John's warm body against hers.  He was breathing deeply, finally sleeping after a bit of a rough night.  

She loved to watch him sleep, it was like all the weight of the world was gone, and he looked almost like that young sweet medical student that had once walked through the doors at County.  Except this man beside her had lived a life time and then some since that time, experiencing things that Susan could only begin to understand.  Her troubles with Chloe seemed insignificant compared to what John had gone through in his life, and was still going through.

Susan wanted to take Harper and shake her, wake her up, things were going to get far worse before they got better.  Right now his precious son was in their house, but very soon he would be on a plane back to Germany, back to his life there and it was tearing John apart.  Load on his dad's thoughtless actions, Abby's accusations, and their talk last night, she knew John was hanging by a thread right now and it would take all of her love and support to help him get through it. 

Susan wished John would take some legal action to prevent Harper from leaving with Devon, but on the other hand?  He was right, it was her life and she had the right to live it, forcing her to move back to the US against her will would only make things acrimonious and confrontational.  John was adamant that he not create that sort of relationship with Harper, that he work with her so Devon would not suffer the consequences.  He also did not want that kind of negativity to take over his life, he was already struggling with the health implications of his situation, and the added stress would not help him whatsoever.

She snuggled closer to him, pressing her face against his neck, inhaling deeply, loving the masculine smell, the warmth emanating from his body.  

"Hey baby, what time is it?"  His voice soft against her hair.

"Way too early, go back to sleep, sorry I didn't mean to wake you up honey."  

His arms wrapped around her, he nuzzled against her neck, giving her the soft butterfly kisses that she loved so very much.

"Mm, it's okay...we can go back to sleep in a bit."

John loved the early mornings with Susan, she was so soft, so cuddly, she calmed him, she was like his safe haven, his everything, the woman who seemed to be always there when he needed her.  The one who knew what to say, what to do to get through to him.  The woman he had been looking for all his life, ironically one that he'd known for almost half his life.

Susan leaned into him, sighing in contentment, knowing that he was going to make love to her.  Wanting him to make love to her, craving that physical and emotional bonding that seemed to bring them closer every time they were together.  

John took command of her lips, nibbling and sucking sensuously, feeling her response to his overture, he let his hands skim down her body, helping her remove the oversized t-shirt she often slept in.  He loved the sexy skimpy bits sometimes, but there was something incredibly appealing about Susan in one of his shirts, it was so familiar, like she was just being herself, she had no need of pretensions, no need to hide.

"I love you."  He whispered into her hair.  "I love you so much, baby."

"I love you too, baby."  Susan stared into his eyes for a long moment, before they were back to kissing, their naked bodies entwined.

She loved how he took his time, caressing her, kissing her, touching her with firm but gentle hands, driving her insane with desire before their bodies joined.  Sometimes their lovemaking was over the top crazy, but this morning it was all passion, warmth, their love for each other shining through as their hips almost lazily rocked against each other, both wanting it last as long as humanly possible.

Susan felt it building as their pace quickened, he took her over the edge before enjoying his own release.  His arms wrapped tight around her as they rolled, Susan slinging her leg loosely over his hip, the small intimate kisses before they both drifted back to sleep, still a tangle of limbs.

She woke up much later, finding John already awake, holding her close to him.

"I know that look, the wheels are turning."  Susan could tell when he had something going on in his mind.

"I was thinking, Cosmo has some time off school coming up, why don't you see if Chuck would be on board, and we will all go to Germany as a family trip.  You've never been right?"

"No, just Paris, and that was only thanks to you.  That was a memorable trip."  Susan was turning this over in her mind.

"We could pick up Devon and travel as a family, take Elise with us to help with kids, go for two or three weeks.  We could see a lot of Germany in three weeks.  Then next time I will go bring him to Chicago, maybe alternate, bring him here, go to Europe with the kids and travel?  See all those places you've never been?  Everything is so close, you can get a flight to almost anywhere out of Frankfurt and the train system in Europe is far superior to what we have here."

Susan furrowed her brow, thinking about this, wondering about what he was offering.  An amazing opportunity, she had never been able to travel, but it would change their whole life.

"Let's talk about it."  She gave him another kiss, pulling him close.  "Right now, I just want you to love me."

John stood in the shower an hour later, washing his hair, a slight smile on his face.  He couldn't help it, his wife was a passionate woman, waking up and making love to her in the morning, he hope he could do that for the rest of his life.   He heard the door open, her soft hands wrap around him from behind, her cool body press up against him.

"You decided to join me."

"Yeah, but sadly no funny stuff, the kids are all waking up, we need to go feed everyone breakfast.  I think you need to pick someone up at the hospital too."

"In a couple hours, but I hear you about the little people, I am just a bit hungry myself.  Used up quite a bit of energy already this morning."

"Energy well spent, at least I thought so, it was terrific baby."

"I was just thinking that myself, I could handle that every morning for the rest of my life.  Amazing."  He turned giving her a long deep kiss, then embracing her.  

"Mm, me too."  Susan wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him back.  "Oh boy, we need to turn that water on cold, if everyone was not already awake, I would be having my way with you in here."

"The only drawback of having kids, you can't always have a little fun when you want to.  We do okay, but sometime soon we will plan a date night, stay at our hotel."

'Our' hotel was the Langham, the hotel that they had started to stay at for special occasions.  It was a real treat for Susan, and it let them sleep in which was a rarity in their house.  Though 'sleeping in' for the two of them did not usually involve actually sleeping, or very little sleep anyways.

John pulled back and finished rinsing, stepping out and grabbing one of the super fluffy towels.  "Finish your shower, baby, I'll get started on the routine."

John was soon dressed, and he got Ava up, changed and set her loose to play with Devin who was playing in his room.  He was almost done changing the twins by the time Susan appeared, her hair dried, fully dressed.

"I'll start breakfast, pancakes?"

"For me?  No, you know what I want, but I will make it when I get downstairs."

Susan nodded, John had been pretty serious about his eating, he was really good at keeping himself on track, and he was keeping fit and active.  The daily drug regimen he had after the transplant presented some challenges, he seemed to have a whole team of doctors, including a nutritionist who had helped him design and eating plan that fit in with his needs.

She appreciated the effort and it was telling, he looked great, and had serious energy and it would help avoid damage to his transplanted kidney.  Susan had adopted a lot of his eating habits and it was making it easy to maintain her weight and she was feeling amazingly good and had lost all the baby weight from the twins.

Within an hour, everyone had eaten and the kitchen was tidied up.  They decided a foray to the park was in order, and spent a couple hours chasing the kids.  Susan subtly watched John, how happy he was when he was with their family, when they were all together like this, and she wished they could have more times like it.  It hit her suddenly, and she had to turn away to get control of her emotions.  How long would she have him, how long would their children have him?

Susan brushed her eyes quickly, turning back to join into the fun, and she caught the look John was giving her which he masked quickly.  He had not missed it, he had seen her sudden rush of emotion, but she was not at all sure of what was going through his mind.

They took the kids back and prepared lunch for them as they played, working in concert, and she found his immediate proximity and light touches as they worked soothing, calming, reassuring.  They were both going to struggle with this for a while, but together, they could get through it...together.  It echoed in her mind, and her  thoughts became clearer, what was really important now.

John left after lunch and the kids were down for their nap, he was going to pick up Harper and get her settled into the apartment for the last couple of weeks she would be here, and Susan knew they were probably going to discuss the legal agreement and support payments.  She had not really asked him what it all entailed, he had talked to his lawyer and that was good enough for her, she was not going to interfere in what happened between him and Harper where Devon was concerned.

Susan picked up the phone, dialling Lexi quickly, she knew it was her day off, and they had planned to have a chat, it seemed like forever, though in reality it had not been that long since she had married John in Hawaii.  Lots had happened in their lives though.

"Susan!  I am so glad you called, I have been dying to talk to you.  How are you!"

"Good, well mostly, but...first, what is up with you?"

"Well, you know we applied for the jobs in Chicago right?  Things are going so great with Luka, and I just love Joe, and kind of like John, it would be hard for him to move to Des Moines, so we are looking for an apartment together.  Who knew that trip at Christmas would turn out like this, but I am so happy.  We got interviews so I hope it will all work out.  We have interviews at other hospitals too, but I kind of like the idea of working with you."

"Yeah, it will be great to have you in the same city, Lexi, and I am thrilled things are working out with Luka. He's a good guy."

"Hey honey, what's the matter?  You seem a bit down, has it been tough?  The whole thing with the ex showing up?  Is she a bitch?"

"No, she's kind of annoyingly sweet actually.  She always was, you know?"

"Oh.  So things not going well with you and John?  Are you worried that she is going to try and stake a claim so to speak?"

"No, nothing like that, Lex, things with John are really great.  He is as attentive as ever, and I don't think she is after him or anything, she's not a gold digger or a bad person.  They had something, no question, but I am not worried on that front."

"So what is it?"

"I never told you this Lexi, and I need you to keep it to yourself.  If I tell you, you are sworn to secrecy."

"Of course, if you share this in confidence, I promise I won't say a word."

"A couple years ago, when John came home, he was pretty sick, he's okay now, but..."

"Susan?  What is it?"

"He had a kidney transplant Lexi, and...it is hitting me, you know?  Just the things that have been going on, brought out the discussion, and I am not handling it well.  It  feels like suddenly the clock is ticking, I was so focused on the fact I wanted another baby before it got too late for me, then Ava and having the twins, all of that...I pushed it aside."

"Pushed what aside?"

Susan burst into tears, trying to choke out the words.  "Lexi, what if something happens and he isn't here to see our kids even graduate high school?"

Lexi could hear her sobbing, wishing she was in Chicago to see her friend, who was struggling with this new insight.

"Susan, hey, we all worry about the ones we love.  You love him an awful lot, and that is a precious thing."

"Lex, I have never loved anyone like I love him,  why didn't I see that before?  We dated, but I didn't see it, if I had, he never would have gone away to Africa, he would never have gotten sick.  Damn it, he got sick because he was in Darfur, the water is contaminated and somehow it got him.  He was careful but he still got so sick and he almost died, he was stuck in the hospital waiting for a kidney, and it's not the first time, I told you about the stabbing right?"

"Yes, you did.  I know Susan, this it tough...but he is healthy now right?  What does his doctor say?"

"His checkups have been fine, he is following all the rules, eating properly and trying to eliminate some of the stress from his life of course.  He's cut way down on work, no shift work, all of that, he is trying to spend a lot of time with the kids."

"Okay, so you are stressing out for nothing right now.  Susan, we both know that the more family support and love he has, the happier things are at home, and he better he takes care of himself, the better the outcomes.  He is doing everything right, or so it seems.  He will have a higher chance of a longer healthy life Susan.  I hate to say it, but...we both know that you can be in the prime of life and be struck down by a damn bus."

"I know Lex, we see it all the time."

"Susan, look at this as a gift.  You are being given the gift of time with someone you love, and due to the circumstances you are so obviously not taking it for granted.  My advice is treasure the time you have with him, make the most of it.  Spend time with him, spend time with your kids, follow his lead.  It has not escaped me that he is incredibly well off, you have the resources, make your life what you want it.  It can't hurt, it can only help.  A lot of people don't see it coming, Susan, you have a unique opportunity really."

Susan let the words wash over her, a sudden sense of calm descending.

"I just had a husband come in, he seemed perfectly healthy, he had a heart attack and died, leaving the wife with her two kids.  The wife is sitting there crying her eyes out, lamenting how they put off so much, that they were so busy with their careers and getting ahead, they didn't spend the time together.  Now they never will.  Susan, you know right now what his heath situation is, don't be the wife regretting not spending the time with him.  Make that time, and do it now.  It is win win for you, you spend your time with someone you love, you will have nothing to regret, and it could improve his odds, having that time with you.  He will probably appreciate it, Susan, he seems the kind of guy who wants and needs to have time with you, don't discount it."

'Thank you Lexi, you know this is just what I needed to hear?  You're right, everything you said is true.  We went to the park today, took the four kids, Cosmo is with his dad.  Watching him, he looked so happy, so content just to have all of us together, it is not something he had growing up, his brother died young, when John was 11 and his parents were absent after that.  He was raised by everyone but his parents, I think what we have, he has wanted and needed it all his life."

"Make sure he has it Susan.  If he is the one, the man you want to live out your life with, make sure you _live_ your life with him.  Really and truly live it.  You are lucky, you know, having some good years with someone you really love?  Who loves you back?  There are no guarantees in life, but you have everything right now, grab hold and don't let go."

"You should do the same Lexi, grab hold of Luka and don't let go.  Be happy, and get your ass to Chicago so we can see each other all the time.  I miss you so much."

"Oh don't worry, I am going to take a bit of my own advice.  I will be up next week for my interview, you are going to be around?"

"Yes, let me know what day and I will take you for lunch.  You are staying with Luka?"

"Of course, I have my own hot doctor to cuddle with, but we will see you, maybe we can go out for dinner, the four of us, John has become one of Luka's closest friends.  Really odd, now that I know the whole Abby story, but hey, things happen for a reason.  They get along great and we are best friends...so we should just go with it.  Talk soon?"

"Yes, I can't wait to see you.  Bye Lexi."

Susan hung up feeling much better, much more positive and she knew exactly what she needed to do next.  It was going to be difficult, but then nothing worth having was easy.  

John avoided the ER again today, he was still bothered by Abby and her confrontation.  The very fact that she thought he would have kept something like that from her irritated him, along with the fact that she had basically thrown his past in his face.  It might affect her, Joe and Luka?  Seriously?  Like she had not slept with anyone in the past seven or eight years, and beyond that, she'd been with Luka.  He liked Luka, he did, but that man was a far bigger slut that John had ever been...screwing a patients mother in the supply closet?  Sleeping with Gillian who was known to have done the rounds in Africa?  He also happened to know Luka was not above picking up hookers in bars, something John had never done, though perhaps Abby did not know about the prostitutes and John was not going to be the one to tell her.  

He liked women, and he had slept with a lot of them, but he didn't pay for sex and he had been at least reasonable choosy about who he slept with. 

John was glad that he and Abby had been careful and used condoms, in fact he was most often careful and had rarely gone without after the whole thing with Liz when he was a student and that was so long ago now that he was not worried.  The women he had been with before that, he had used condoms, with all of them up to and including Abby.  The notable exceptions were Kem, that night she got pregnant and of course during her pregnancy, Harper - they were not at all careful during their affair, though he trusted her right from day one, and Susan.  Not high risk women in his books, but health care professionals who were also generally careful and got tested regularly.

Part of the UNOS protocol was that they were testing him regularly, they were always taking blood from him, monitoring his levels, taking his blood pressure, he felt like a pin cushion some times, though he was now just on a maintenance schedule.  He was taking it seriously, he did everything he could to avoid damaging his kidney, including reading up on and discussing his medication choices, opting for the well tested, longer term drugs available, rather than the latest and greatest, knowing it sometimes was not apparent at the start the long term issues with certain drugs.  He'd seen a case in his last year with County.

Very messy, a dad had given his daughter a kidney and it had been damaged by a new anti-rejection protocol.  Henry, a previous medical student of his, had been the doctor in question, and John wished he had never passed him on that evaluation.  Henry had not done his research, the girl had been gravely ill, and the dad committed suicide in order to donate his last viable kidney to his child.

He shook off the thoughts, and pushed the door open.

"Ready to go?"

Harper was tucking a last few items in her bag.

"Hours ago.  My doctor finally got around to discharging me, I cannot wait to get the hell out of this place.   But can we stop in the ER?  I want to thank a couple people, and say good bye to Wendall.  I like her John, you were right, she's great."

"Yeah, she is.  Very good at her job."  He picked up the bag and escorted her to the elevator, her leg still being a bit too sore for the stairs.  "I have to subject myself to the ER, only for you Harper, otherwise wild horses would not drag me in there today."

"Why?  You look pissy about something."

"Abby.  Jack went down to see her after he left your room, and asked her what was going on with me.  Asked her if I have HIV if you can believe it.  Jack going around asking my exes if I came down with an infectious disease due to my African wife.  Nice, just fucking great."

"You are _not_ serious."

"Oh, but I am.  Nothing like your ex-girlfriend accusing you of infecting her with HIV, I am apparently just drug addict and a whore.  And on top of that an asshole for not telling her I infected her with that dreaded disease, which I guess I contracted because I am a slut.  So I told her about the transplant, I never wanted to, but I cannot have that kind of rumour going around, and this is County, so it would go around whether it had a base in reality or not."

Harper reached out and squeezed his arm.  "I'm sorry, I might have something to do with it, I almost let it slip the other day why you came home from Darfur.  Jack has noticed something too, and I think they are trying to make the pieces fit, kind of forcing them together rather than just leaving it be."

"Not your fault, he is being nosy.  He still is not getting the picture, that it is none of his business, and I want him to but out and go away.  Abby, well, you know the story so I am not even going there with her."

"Smile honey, it's show time."  The elevator doors opened onto the ER and it seemed relatively calm for a changed.  John took Harper up to the desk.

"Hey Jerry, Wendall down here somewhere?"

"Yup, in with a patient, but I think she was just finishing up."

Chuny came up and gave Harper a quick hug.  "Long time no see, you look great.  Feeling good?"

"Not too bad, thanks."

Haley stopped by as well, then Wendall came out, seeing Harper and came up.

"I WANT my demerol and I want it NOW!"  

John turned to see the guy waving a gun in Rachel Greene's face.  Harper looked at him shaking her head but John was not going to stand for it.  He stepped forward.

"Hey!  Put that gun down, she's just a student."  He used a strong command in his voice, the guy turned, training the gun on John, Rachel backing away, shaking.  Half the people had ducked, Harper and Wendall were frozen as was Jerry and Abby.  

The gunman took a few steps towards John, he stood his ground, watching the guy approach.  

"Big man, whatcha gonna do now?  You gonna get me my pain drugs, that's what you gonna do, bitch."  The guy advanced holding the gun only inches from John's face. The guy was clearly high and a loose cannon.  There was not going to be any talking to him.  "Someone get me my drugs!"  The guy was shouting, clearly agitated.

John focused, watching for one moment of inattention, which came as the ER doors slid open.  The guys eyes glanced only momentarily towards the noise, but John had heard it millions of times and knew exactly what it was.  He was ready, clear headed and in motion before anyone had time to react.

In a split second, he had stepped slightly to the side, reached out, flipped the gun out of his hands and slammed the guy down on the admit desk with his arm behind his back, now holding the gun right to the guys temple.

"Big man, holding guns on medical students.  What are you going to do now that you're my bitch?"  He ground this out watching his captives eyes widen as he realized his predicament.

The guy was sobbing slightly, not struggling, knowing his own gun was now being used against him, and John was holding him in a way that made him powerless to fight back.

John held up the gun, clicking on the safety, pointing it upwards to the ceiling.

"John, let me take it."  

He felt Harpers hands as he heard her voice and let her take the handgun from his fingers without taking his eyes off the man he had pressed down on the counter, not letting go of his hold on the drug addict or wavering even for a moment.

"Not so fun when you try to pick on someone your own size is it you fucking coward.  Not so much fun when they fight back either, huh?  Jerry, you could call security anytime now, I am not standing here forever.  He's starting to smell, I think this little boy peed his pants."

John wrinkled his nose, the drug addict had most certainly lost control of his bladder, having his own gun pressed against his head was something he had not bargained for.

Everyone was suddenly in motion, the event had unfolded in literally seconds.  Security took and handcuffed the man, the police were alerted and Harper had unloaded the weapon neatly and efficiently, being no stranger to guns in her line of work.

John went to Rachel who was being hugged by Haleh.

"You okay, Rach?"

"Fine, fine.  You weren't scared?  You saved me."

"Of course I was scared Rachel, but sometimes you can't show fear.  Fear is their weapon just as much as the gun is, and if you keep your head sometimes you can take them down.  Just a little something I learned over the years, I have dealt with enough armed gunmen, this guy was a piece of cake, he let his guard down.  Just don't try yourself, okay?  I had someone show me how to do that, someone with a lot of training, you have to do it properly or you end up dead."

Rachel gave a little smile, then reached out to give him a hug.  "Thank you Dr. Carter, I think I owe you."

"Never, you don't owe me Rach, couldn't let him hurt our Dr. Greene, now could I."  He hugged her back.  "I think maybe you should go home, or maybe you should come over and see Susan for a bit.  What do you think?  Come have dinner with us?"

"I'd like that, I haven't seen the kids for a while."

Carter looked at Abby, who nodded.  "Yup, she should go home."

Jerry was looking at John like he was his new hero.

"Where did you learn that?  I particularly liked the line about him being your bitch, though you could have gone a little easier, now housekeeping has a mess to clean up."

"You can thank Harper actually, she is an excellent instructor."  He gave Harper a little wink which had Abby frowning.  "Get your stuff Rach, just have to drop Harper off and then we can go back to our place." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone still reading by chapter 34?


	35. Chapter 35

"Coming in Rach? Or do you want to wait in the car?"

"I'll wait here, do you mind leaving the radio on for me?" Rachel did not want to interfere, it seemed like there was something going on between Dr. Carter and this woman…Harper he called her.

They certainly seemed to know each other well, she had approached him easily and confidently after he had taken down the armed gunman in the ER with just a couple words. She showed no fear either, though she had held back a couple of the onlookers as Dr. Carter has made his move.

Rachel was still a bit shaky, and also astounded at how quickly and fearlessly Dr. Carter had approached, his concern for her safety evidently overriding his own sense of self preservation. She had seen him restrain patients before, but this was something she had never seen, the way he disarmed the guy so fast it was almost a blur.

He was always so sweet and mild mannered, though he could be firm with the Residents and medical students as needed, so his attitude with the guy surprised her immensely. 'How does it feel now you're my bitch?' Just where did that come from? Rachel could tell there was a whole other side of Dr. Carter she had never seen. This woman Harper though, she had seen it, and did not seem at all bothered.

John was okay with Rachel staying, it would make it more comfortable to talk to Harper for a couple minutes, they had planned to grab a coffee, but the incident in the ER had set them back a couple hours. Talking to the police, handing over the gun, and the bit of commotion John's disarming and his subsequent take down on the guy at the admit desk had earned him a few looks.

Abby in particular kept looking at him like he had two heads or something, but perhaps she had missed the fact that he wasn't the same guy she'd dated. Not by a long shot, you could not go through everything he had in the past few years and remain unchanged. He didn't feel like he had as much fear anymore, he knew he had taken a lot of risks in Darfur, and been in denial when he got sick. He'd been in denial about his marriage too, and he'd learned from Debbie at some point that Harper had told her she'd better not let him go back to Kem.

Like it was Debbie's choice, but in the end, he hadn't gone back to Kem, not that he thought that is where he would have ended up. Her betrayal was too hard to face, he wondered now why he had loved her so much, why he bought into her proclamations that she loved him? He still remembered how crushing it was when she left Chicago after Joshua died, not able to even say if she was coming back, not able to say yes or no to whether she still wanted to marry him. How crushing it had been when he and Harper had last said good bye in Darfur, knowing it was over with her too, that women never stayed. Maybe Harper was playing him, he just didn't know anymore.

He shook it off, settling Rachel in the front and left her the extra set of car keys, telling her to lock the door. It was a good neighbour hood, and she was an adult, but still, he wanted her to be safe. He took Harpers bag and showed her in giving her a quick tour, which of course was all it took in such a small place.

"You were great today, John, that was very well done. They guy didn't see it coming, and neither did anyone else, they thought you were done for."

"Thanks, you taught me well, I appreciated it, there were no shortage of guns in Africa, that is for sure and I felt just a little safer after that, and now it's paid off."

"You are close to her…Rachel. Kind of her stand in father are you? With Mark being gone?"

"I would not go as far as that, but I've known her most of her life, she spent a lot of time in the ER when she was little, remember? It's hard for her, losing her dad so young." He shrugged, trying to hide his own fears as he said it.

Harper nodded slowly, reading him easily, there was something he was trying to brush off.

"John, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, why not. Everyone seems to know everything about me so, why not you too?"

Harper stepped towards him. "Hey, don't do that, John, please? We do know each other, really well, and I can tell something is bothering you. Can you just be really honest with me? I know you don't want to leave Rachel too long, but…you need to say it John, just tell me why you are shutting down on me. Something about what I just said about Mark hit a nerve with you."

"Of course it did Harper. I have four young children, five if we bring Cosmo into the picture, he's my stepson but he spends a lot of time at our house. "

"And?"

"Do you really want to hear this? Seriously?"

"Yes, I do. You are the father of my son, John, my friend, and we have been lovers, we know things about each other that I suspect you have not even shared with your wife. I mean, did you share some of the things that happened during our time together?"

He shook his head. "No, it's irrelevant, private between us, we agreed it was our private business and I am not in any hurry to share it. I couldn't say how she would react, I mean it wasn't illegal and it didn't hurt anyone so…our bedroom stuff is our bedroom stuff right?"

"Yeah, I don't fancy having my eyes clawed out, or her thinking bad things, but maybe she would be cool about it."

"Totally possible…the being cool about it I mean. She isn't at all uptight, but still, some things are better left unsaid, don't you think? I don't want to bring all that into the picture, I don't think she wants to know those kind of details."

"Yes, you're right, I don't think I want to hear bedroom details about you and Susan either. We are off topic here. What is on your mind."

John turned away, closing his eyes briefly, not sure if he wanted to let Harper into his thoughts any further than she was already. He had bared his soul to her during their affair, and at some point he regretted it, his insecurity about women surfacing again after the last conversation in Darfur. It was odd, sometimes he felt confident that she really did care, other times he worried he was deluding himself, like he had about Abby, like he had about Kem, and countless other women in his life.

"John." He felt her hand on his arm, she was forcing him to turn, to look at her. "What's wrong? You know you can tell me anything."

"Can I? I just don't know anymore Harper, half the time I think I am deluding myself."

"No, you aren't, John. Don't do that, don't discount what we had, and don't let your issues cloud this, I will always care about you, I am not pretending, do I have to beat you over the head with that? You have to learn to trust someone sometime, and I hope you never let this get in between you and Susan, your damn...whatever it is. Inability to believe that a woman could love you? Insecurities? You need to get over it, John, yes you have had women hurt you, but don't let that ruin what you have now. Don't let it spoil what we had, it was good, it was special and I will be damned if I let you ruin those memories."

John inhaled deeply, then nodded, knowing she was right, he had to move on, accept his past and just keep moving forward.

"When I see Rachel, and see how much she misses her dad, and how young both she and Ella were when he died…I can't help but worry you know? I might not be there for my kids either, Harper, you know that right? I mean, you're a doctor, you know my situation, I'm healthy right now, but…my body could decide to reject this kidney at some point, or I could get an infection…even if that doesn't happen, I am not going to live to 93. I might not even make 60. Or 50, hell I might be gone two years from now."

"Oh, honey." She could not help but wrap her arms around him, giving him a warm hug. "Hey, we both know there are no guarantees in life, but I hear you, and of course, I get it. That's why you don't want me to go, isn't it? You are worrying about not seeing Devon grow up?"

"Well yeah, I mean, Harper, he's only two, and I have Susan and the kids here. Her son Cosmo, well his dad is in Des Moines, so it makes it hard, you know? To see Devon I have to leave Susan and the kids, which takes time away from them, but I want to see Devon grow up too, be part of his life. Except I know I have only so much time, if I make it 10 years, for someone with a transplant that is pretty damn good right? Except Devon is the oldest and he will barely be 12 years old. I don't know what I was thinking, having kids, Harper, what did I do? I can't promise them that I will be there for them."

"None of us can, John. Look, I was just in a serious accident, I almost didn't come out of it. You know from working in the ER that ever day a mother or father or sister or brother or son or daughter doesn't make it home. None of us know when our time is up, John, so all we can do is make the most of it. I promise, we will make it so you can see Devon a lot, okay? I don't want to keep him from you, John, but I have a life in Germany, and I don't in Chicago."

"I know Harper, that is why I am letting you go. I could try to hold you up legally, but I don't want to do that, to any of us. I trust you to be fair and honestly, I value you, your friendship, everything we had, I don't want to ruin it or put you, me or Devon through that kind of pain and stress. I've told you how I feel, you've told me how you feel, now we have to respect each others view and get on with it, right? Move on with our lives, deal with reality? Try to manage this as best we can?"

"Yes we do. I'm sorry John, this is not how I wanted it to be. I love you so much, and I hate what this whole situation has done, though I don't regret having Devon, not for a minute. He will always be our connection."

"Ah, Harper. We would always be connected, you can't go through what we did and just forget about it, but I get what you mean. I love you too, I hope we can always keep that alive, always be friends even though the romance side of our relationship is over."

"I am a bit of a fool, letting you walk out of my life, John, but you're happy, and I think this is where you need to be…home. Chicago is your home and it always will be, you may visit other places, but this is your home, you seem happiest here."

"I guess it is, for all its warts, I have lived here most of my life and though I love to travel, I do want to be here. And you want to be there, so…we never had a chance, did we?"

"No, but I can still love you. Hey, you should get back to Rachel, go home to your wife. Maybe bring our son by tomorrow? Or can I come by? Maybe meet his brother and sisters? Could I have him overnight? It has been so long since I had more than an hour with him."

"Of course you can. But you can call if it gets too much, you are still recovering, call if you need any help, okay?"

"I will. Good night." Harper leaned in and gave him a quick hug. "I should give you these too, I read through and most of it I am fine with, made a few changes, and I think we need to discuss the financial part a bit more, but I am kind of tired, so if we can do it later?"

She dug out the envelope and handed it to him.

"Sure, I'll take a look, call me tomorrow when you're up and we can figure things out with Devon. Good night."

* * *

 

Susan finished making dinner, John had called not long before letting her know that Rachel was going to be joining them for dinner. She knew he was dropping Harper at the apartment and be home right after, she was looking forward to the evening.

She heard the front door open and voices.

"Rachel! How are you! Wow, it feels like forever since I saw you last."

"Dr. Lewis. I am good, how are you?"

"Susan, how many times do I have to ask you to call me Susan, and here, at home, you need to call him John." She pointed at Carter who was saying hi to all the kids. "Okay?"

"Sorry, right, of course, it just seems so strange, Dr….I mean John was always kind of the boss at work when I started as a student. But I will try. Hi there." Rachel looked down as Devon shyly tugged on her pants, and she was off into the living room, giving attention to the kids.

"She is great. How did you manage to steal her away? I thought the students never got a break."

"Uh, well, there was a little, incident today, and I thought I would get her out of there. She was a bit shaken up, a druggie pulled a gun in the ER and had it on Rachel."

"Oh boy, but it all ended well? No one got hurt?"

Rachel looked up from the living room, catching a bit of the conversation.

"No one but the druggie with gun, John disarmed him."

Susan looked at John suspiciously. "What? You disarmed a drug addict?"

"And held the gun to the guys head, it was amazing."

Susan grabbed John's arm. "Tell me she's kidding."

"No, she's not. The guy was demanding drugs, so I stepped in, can't have the patients shooting the medical students. I learned a while back how to get a hand gun away from someone, so he got distracted for a moment and I took the gun, held him down and asked him how it felt. Scared the crap out of him, but I wasn't going to shoot him, and he didn't really get hurt. Maybe he'll think twice before he does it again, at County at least."

"How did you learn to do that?" Susan knew John was never shy about restraining a patient, and he'd had enough times with guns in his face that it didn't rattle him anymore, but actually disarming the guy?

"Um…Harper actually. We were in Naples, which is kind of a violent drug infested mob ridden city. This guy tried to take her purse so she took him down, it was quite amazing to watch. So I got her to show me how she did it, you know when you work in Darfur, knowing how to deal with guns is actually quite the bonus."

"Apparently it is also a bonus in the ER at County. Not the first time right? That guy did it to Jing-Mei."

"We've had countless guns come through over the years, what I don't get is how he got it through security, and it took security forever to get there, or so it seemed. Have to talk to Cate about it tomorrow I guess, I had the guy pinned to the counter long enough to threaten him, and have Harper take the gun before Jerry moved for the phone. The guys should have been there right away."

"So Harper is a ninja, is that what you are saying?"

"She's trained in hand to hand combat, martial arts, yes. Something she had the option of learning through the air force, and she gave me a crash course on it. I can show you sometime if you want, you have to know how to do it properly and you have to be quick about it, if you let it go too long you get shot…but it worked this time."

"Uh huh." Susan leaned in and wrapped her arms around him, pulling his head down. "You do that again John Carter I'll kill you myself. You have a family here, don't take risks like that." She whispered vehemently, keeping her voice low.

"It was Rachel. You actually think I could stand there and watch the guy shoot Rachel Greene? Are you kidding?" He said back softly so Rachel couldn't hear. "Mark's daughter, Susan, I would do it for my kids, and if Mark were still alive, he would have done it too and you know it."

Susan clung to him for a moment, inhaling deeply.

"I love you, you crazy idiot. Thank you for not getting shot." She gave him a long kiss. "We should have dinner."

Susan knew John was right, Mark would have taken a bullet for anyone in that ER, and John could do no less, especially for Mark's daughter.

They visited with Rachel and then she helped get the kids ready for bed and read stories.

"Hey, we have a guest room if you'd like to stay." Susan offered, not really wanting Rachel to go home and be alone after the scary scene in the ER.

"Really? That might be kind of nice, just for tonight. Thanks Susan."

Susan lent her some pyjamas and found her an unopened toothbrush, letting her head to bed early as she was yawning already.

Susan went in to the bathroom to brush her teeth and when she came out John was flipping through some papers. She crawled into bed, snuggling close and peeking at was he was reading. She soon realized what it was.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be snooping." She felt a little strange, seeing some of the legal paperwork that he was working on with Harper.

"Huh?"

"Um, I can see what you are reading, sorry, I saw some of it."

"So? I don't mind if you read it Susan, you're my wife, not just some random person. You are going to hear all about it over time any way, so why not now? If it was something I didn't want you to see I would not be sitting in our bed reading it."

"You don't mind?"

"Not at all. I know you don't know all the exact facts and figures when it comes to my finances, but you have a pretty good idea, correct?"

"Well, sort of. I mean, I've seen some of the financials for the Foundation and you don't exactly hide your bank statements from me or anything, but I don't go looking at it all and trying to add it up. I don't truly know John."

"Mmhmm. We should probably change that Susan, we will have to make some time this week after the kids are in bed, I want you to know."

"Why suddenly now?" Susan rolled onto her stomach, propping herself up on her arms.

"Because I married you? I know it has been lost in all the crap over the last couple weeks, but…we just got married Susan, you're my wife now, I think that entitles you to have access to all the information." He put the papers on his nightstand and wrapped his arm around her. "I haven't lost sight of that Susan, and I don't regret it for a second, I love you."

Susan let him pull her in closer a slight smile on her face. "I love you too, John. I see your point, and okay. I never wanted or needed to know, and I still really don't. I'm happy as we are."

"Me too, but still, it is part of being married Susan, I would not have married you without trusting you implicitly. I suppose I could have been wrong about you all these years, but somehow, I don't think so. You have a certain amount of access to funds now, but I am going to make a few more things joint, so we are going to have a visit to the bank."

"So I am off my allowance?" Susan joked.

He rolled his eyes slightly. "Allowance? Since when have you ever been on an allowance in this house. I only want receipts so I know that you were the one spending the money, not some punk who managed to skim your card number. You know, the statements break down by person, why don't I just give you your own statements and you reconcile them yourself? That way I never have to know what you are spending or on what."

"No, don't be silly. Maybe in your world it's not necessary, but most couples share what is coming in and going out for money. Did you and…you know…not ever discuss it?"

"Ah, well, living in Africa makes things a bit different, you don't tend to spend much, I mean most items you want to buy are like $2 or $3, quite seriously. Shopping? You don't need much for clothing, no car, no housing expenses in that fancy compound the Alliance puts you in and Kem had a place already in both Kinshasa and Kisangani. She got paid, she works for the the Health Department. I was the bum with no income, she had an apartment in Paris she sold and we jointly purchased the new one, which I gave her in the divorce. I'll end up giving Harper more money than I ever gave to Kem."

"Kem didn't want money, right?"

"No, she didn't. I told you, she makes good money, she got the Paris apartment, that is worth a few coins given it's location, it's a really nice place. A couple million Euro easy, which is somewhere around $3 million US."

"You are going to give Harper more than $3 million US?" Susan was trying to wrap her mind around this.

"Yes, over time it will end up being substantial, most of it is going into an account for Devon, Harper doesn't actually want or need much, she doesn't have debt, she lives in provided housing on a base, her uniforms are provided. In fact she rejected my first offer."

"She wanted more?"

"Nope, she wanted less if you can believe it. She's not a gold digger Susan, she didn't even want me to give her anything, but I can't do that, I want to make sure Devon is taken care of properly, I added him onto the education fund, there is so much money in there that all four kids will be able to go to whatever school they want. Harvard for medical school is not out of the question, even if all of them want to go, which they might not. I just want them to be happy, get a career they love."

"You've changed your will already?"

"Yes, well, the lawyer is in the process of revising it actually to include Devon, and of course to reflect our change in marital status. After we go over everything, you need to go in and do yours too. You can use my lawyer, or if you prefer you can hire your own."

"I think I could use yours, I'm not concerned that you are going to be hiding anything. So…no allowance, I don't even need to work." Susan put a joking tone in her voice.

"Ha, like you are ever going to give up your job. But you know what? In all seriousness Susan, you don't ever need to work, we have four kids here all the time, 5 when I bring Devon, which I hope to make a regular thing, you can volunteer to keep your skills up and want to work, but no, you don't need to work. Even if something happened between us, I told you before, I would not leave you destitute, or even try to fight you, you would have enough and your life would not change that much."

Susan kissed him deeply. "Ah,now I have you where I want you."

"Where is that?"

"In my bed, in my arms, and you're all mine." She kissed him again, pulling him over, her fingers wandering up into his hair.

* * *

 

Monday morning Susan got up as usual and headed into to work, going a bit early.

"Important meeting?" John was a bit curious, Susan had been acting a bit odd on the weekend, yesterday he caught her staring off into space a few times, like she was deep in thought.

"Um, yes, sort of. Just, you know, they are doing interviews this week. Lexi is coming into town, things are getting serious with Luka it sounds like."

"Yeah I got that impression, Luka and I keep in touch. I'm happy for both of them, Luka doesn't look truly happy ever, but now…I think he is probably in the best mood I've ever seen."

"Lexi thinks it's weird how the two of you are friends."

"I bet a lot of people think it's beyond weird, considering we used to barely tolerate each other, but a lot has happened since Luka first started at County. He's a good guy, just been through a lot, and I can relate to more of it now. That first trip to Africa, we kind of buried the hatchet so to speak, it was an incredible experience."

"What would you say if I decided to go to Africa for a couple weeks, visit Debbie and Angelique and volunteer a bit?"

"What?"

"I was thinking that maybe I should go for a couple weeks, to Kinshasa or Kisangani, volunteer, see what it's like. Debbie, Angelique and I talked about it when they were here for the conference, they said they would take good care of me."

"Ahhhhh, I don't know Susan. In the big picture? I think it is a positive, but I was single, no kids when I went, neither Debbie nor Angelique have kids. On the other hand they both know the ropes, they have been there longer and more often than me, if you promised to listen to their advice, I might be okay. Not Darfur though Susan, never Darfur, we talked about that, what happens to the women there, I wouldn't sleep the entire time you were gone."

"I would say come with me, but I know you can't."

"No, I can't. I can't risk it, as much as I would love to volunteer again? My time there is done. I have to point something else out though."

"Which is?"

"Uh, well, you are undoubtedly going to see Kem. She has clinics in both locations, she is there quite a bit, and travels between the two on her own schedule. Are you okay with that?"

"Sure, we are both adults John, I handled seeing Harper no problem, we got along, I can manage Kem. She works in her own clinic right? She is not in the same building or anything?"

"No the clinics Angelique run are separate entities, a little ways apart. Um, I would have to see what is going on politically over there, but you are a grown woman, and if you wanted to go I would not stop you. I would worry about you of course, I would miss you, but I am hardly in a position to tell you no you absolutely cannot go."

"You wouldn't be angry with me?"

"No, that would be a bit hypocritical right?"

"No, John, I think I get where you are going with that but we are married, we have kids, not the same thing as leaving a relationship that is on the rocks to volunteer and have someone rip you a new one when you get back."

"Or freeze you out, damn it was cold when I got back."

"It was the middle of summer."

"Yeah, and I almost froze to death. I won't do that to you Susan."

"Okay. I have to get going." She gave him the traditional good bye kiss. "Love you baby."

"Love you back, baby." He hugged her, inhaling deeply, not wanting to let her go.

Susan tapped softly on the door of Delia' office.

"You have a few minutes for me?"

"Always for you Susan. Just finishing up a few notes for the interviews this week. We have Dr. Chen starting as a volunteer in about a month, and the two new Attending spots to fill."

Susan pushed the door shut. "Uh, I don't know how to say this, so I am just going to say it. I want you to start looking for a replacement for me as well. You might look at the current pool you are interviewing for possible candidates."

Delia sat back, trying not to let her emotions show on her face. "Susan. You're leaving?"

Susan nodded. "I have been thinking about it recently, it's for personal reasons. Just…don't say anything to anyone yet, I haven't….told John yet."

Delia felt her heart sink. "I'm sorry, I thought…never mind, none of my business."

"What isn't your business."

Delia shook her head. "John is my boss, Susan, he may be bowing out of a lot of things but he's still my boss. It all makes sense now, he has been acting a bit strange…but…damn it, I just have to say it. Why are you doing this to him? I thought you were happy, you just got married, you have kids. Can't you work it out?"

Susan smiled and shook her head. "Oh Delia, no, no, we're not breaking up. I'm not leaving him or anything, the personal reasons…well, we have four kids, they are really young and I want to spend more time with my family. There have been some changes in our lives, and I need to accommodate them. I just want to make it fait accompli before I tell him, because this is my decision. I don't want him to try and talk me out of it."

"You're not having problems, you and John?"

"No, I don't want anyone thinking that, not the case at all. Our marriage is fine, but it is new and I'll be honest, my first marriage didn't work out because I put my career a little too high on the list. This time I am not making that mistake, I want to be more involved with my kids and be there for my husband. I am going to switch from being management to joining the volunteer list in the clinic, with a restricted number of hours. Go back to being just a doctor, maybe help John with some of the work on the Board of Directors, and we have a certain amount of public and fundraising stuff we should be doing."

"Oh thank goodness. I was worried there for a minute. Okay. When are you telling John?"

"Tonight? I will stay on for up to two months, to help with the transition, hand over duties, give you time to search out good candidates."

"I think I might have one, and you know her. Dr. Roland from Des Moines. I was thinking of keeping her in mind for upwards movement, what is your opinion on that?"

"She would be great, when I left Des Moines she took over my position there, and has done really well, but she is moving to Chicago for personal reasons now. Absolutely interview her with the job in mind, but I am sure the Board is going to want you to post the position too."

"I will for sure, I'll wait until tomorrow to draft it up. I am sorry to lose you off the team, but I understand, I really do. Not an easy choice to leave this kind of position."

"No, it's not, but something I need to do. Funny, I am where I wanted to be, and now I'm here I recognize that there is something far more important to me than my job. That spending time with my family is what I really need to do right now. However, I am going to keep busy, you can count on the fact that you will still see me around, John is always going to have some involvement in Centre."

"I hope so Susan. We would welcome you back at anytime, the work you have done has been terrific and we will miss you."

Susan smiled and stood. "Back to work I guess."

She felt a bit torn about the decision, knowing it was true, she had worked her ass off to be able to have this kind of job. But, she had also gone through too much trying to have a good strong marriage and undoubtedly the breakdown of things with Chuck could be attributed at least partly to her quest to get ahead. Still, given all the recent changes in their lives, she knew this was right for her and John.

She had teased last night about not working, but in truth she wanted to see how he would feel about it. He had repeatedly told her in the past year that she should do what she wanted, and she was going to put that to the test. This is what she wanted, to spend less time working, more time with her family. Life was too short so spend it cooped up in an office, no matter how much she loved her job. Once the kids were older maybe she would take on more hours, but right now? She had four kids who were very young, and no financial need to sacrifice her time with them.

She could help John make the lives of their children the total opposite of what he had grown up with. What she had grown up with too in fact, she could relate better than most people even realized to his lack of parental involvement and support.

Susan packed it in a bit early this afternoon, they had a long a busy day coming up for Tuesday and Lexi would be in town on Wednesday for her interview. They were doing lunch, and Friday night the four of them were going for dinner.

"You're home early." John was in his office finishing up some paperwork, Ava, Maya and Ben were sleeping and Devon was with Harper for a few hours, Cosmo at school."

"We have a busy one tomorrow, it will be a long day with the meetings, so I thought I would come home. I have a couple small bits to finish up but that will only be half an hour here at home without the interruptions of being in the office."

"Amazing right? I know I get a ton of stuff done, I can easily get most of my work done while the kids have the afternoon nap. Elise is walking down to get Cosmo and pick up Devon for me so I can get this done, I have a Board Meeting on Wednesday."

"I'm taking Lexi for lunch that day. John?"

"Uh huh?" He was flipping some papers.

"I quit my job."

She noted how he froze, his head coming up quickly.

"You what? Did you just say you quit?"

"I gave my notice. I told Delia today that I will give up to two months for the posting of my position and to help the new person transition in."

She could see his brow furrow, he leaned back in his chair, hands folded, his expression serious.

"I don't know what to say. Why did you quit, are you unhappy with the job? I don't understand, I thought you loved what you were doing?"

Susan raised herself out of the chair, walking around the desk, straddling John's knees facing him. She placed her hands on his face.

"I love my job, but I love you and the kids more. We have had so many changes in our lives, and you made a comment the other day that made me seriously reevaluate everything. We have very young children, with Devon going back to Germany soon, we are going to need to work with that, and you suggested we do more traveling as a family. Yes. I want to do that with you."

"You're giving up your job…for me?" His hands were rubbing her arms, his eyes deep chocolate pools, it felt like he was searching her soul.

"No, for _us_ , for our _family_ , John. We both get something out of this. My priorities have changed, I thought maybe I would just volunteer in the Centre as time permits, but this will leave me free to go with you and the kids more often, enjoy life a bit, we have both worked so hard for so many years and it just seems crazy to miss our children growing up so we can slave away at work."

"It's really what you want Susan? You don't want to be full time anymore?"

"It's really what I want. Is it okay? I mean, you will have to support me financially now I am an unemployed bum, but…I feel good about it. So, what do you think?"

"I think I love you." His hands moved across her back, pulling her in, his lips brushing across hers.

Susan rested her forehead against his as they broke apart. "I love you, and don't you forget it."

"Wow, this is…so entirely unexpected, but honestly? It's great, Susan. I could never have asked you to give up everything you worked for, but, if you really want to stop working full time, it is absolutely fine with me. I've told you many times that I want you to do what makes you truly happy, and you know that we can afford it."

"I remember, that is why I didn't talk to you first, I was sure you would support me in whatever I chose to do. We both know that nothing is certain in life, nothing, and that we have each other here and now, it's a gift John. Our precious children, our life together, it's a huge gift and I want to make the most of it, I don't want to have regrets."

She could hear his soft inhale as he held her close.

"This is because of me, because of what I said, about not being here for the kids. Are you really sure Susan?" His tone was soft, hesitant.

"I am _very_ sure, John. I can't help but think of Mark, and what he would have given for more time with his family. With Rachel, with Ella, he died so young John."

"I know, he was only a couple years younger than I am now when he died. We both know the uncertainty of life, we have seen it far to many times, I feel sometimes I am that cat about to use up the last of my nine lives. That I am still here seems kind of a miracle. I almost died at the same age as Mark, before I had the chance to even have a family. He had that, and I am glad he did, it makes life worth while."

"You were meant to survive, baby. You have done so much good, and you came back into my life and made me so very happy. You have left an incredible legacy for Chicago with the Carter Center, and you have saved a lot of lives, you were 23 when you started saving people, you have made a difference John, you have to know that. Now it's our time, so many people wait until they retire, then something happens and they can't travel or do all the things they always wanted to do. We can, John, we can have it all, and I want to have that with you."

"Me too, Susan. Wow…this opens up a world of possibilities for us, it feels unreal, that you would do this for us, for our family. You are an amazing woman, I feel like the luckiest guy on the planet having someone like you in my life."

"And I feel lucky having you. I wish I had seen it sooner, I do."

"I wish that too, boy, there are some decisions I regret, but, nothing I can do to change anything, Susan, I just have to deal with it right?"

"We will deal with things together John, you're not alone, you have me, you have our family, I love you."


	36. They Can’t Take That Away From Me

Carter placed the bags in the back of the car, while Harper tucked Devon into his car seat. He had been hoping that some miracle would transpire and this day would not come, but of course it had. Harper was flying to Boston to see her parents, then she was on a plane back to Germany.

The drive to the airport was quiet, John didn't trust himself to speak, to say out loud what he was thinking, what he was feeling. He concentrated on staying on the road, and not letting his emotions overwhelm him.

Harper nervously fiddled with the catch on her bag, John's withdrawal was not escaping her notice, he seemed tense and moody. She knew why of course, this was hard on him, he had only had such a short time with his son, and she was leaving, taking Devon far away from him.  Though she did not truly want to take his son away, she was very sure it felt like it to him.

"John." She said softly. "It will be okay, you'll be coming to see him in a few weeks right?"

"Yeah." His response was short and flat, he didn't know what else to say at this point. He should have let her just get a cab to the airport, he was regretting this, maybe this was making it even more difficult on all of them.

Harper reached over and rubbed the back of his neck, she knew this was a calming thing for him.

"You should probably stop doing things like that, I am married you know." He glanced out of the corner of his eye at her, somehow he felt her touch was a bit too intimate. He loved Susan, and he was not going to do anything to ruin the happiness he had finally found. Truth be told, he felt guilty when Harper was so touchy feely with him, like he was being unfaithful somehow, even though it had never gotten truly physical between them since she had left Darfur so long ago.

Harper nodded, then dropped her hand, turning to look out the window, knowing that the closeness they had created during those four months was still there, but it was difficult to define new boundaries, at least for her. Of course, he was not hers, he belonged to Susan now, and she had to stop being so familiar with him, even if they were alone in the car.

"Sorry. I guess I have to get used to the idea that you are with someone else. I just feel so close to you though, like you know me better than anyone in the entire world, and maybe I know you pretty darn well too."

He had let down his walls and they had talked about things, experienced things together that she didn't think he had with anyone else, and that would always be between them. He was entrenched in her heart in a way that no other man had ever been, he was a mess of contradictions, alternating between incredibly sweet and unbearably stubborn and she loved him, far more than she would ever admit to him. Of course she said 'I love you' to him all the time, but she didn't think he knew how much she meant those three simple but incredibly complicated words.  Perhaps it was best that he didn't know, interfering in his life when she was the one who had left him was not really something she could feel good about.  She knew she was a lot of things, but a conniving home wrecker was not one of them.  Sure, she had slept with him while he was married to Kem, but that marriage had already been collapsing, he had needed someone and something to hold onto while his world came down around him.

"We do know each other incredibly well, but my wife's understanding is only going to stretch so far, you know? She has cut you some slack, given the circumstances, but I think you have to be a bit less familiar in the future. We're friends, not lovers, Harper, you can't touch me like that and have people accept it, they are going to get the wrong idea.  I don't want people to think we are sleeping together, we're not, that part of our relationship is over."

"You're right, I know, I don't want to get Susan upset at you.  I'm not like that, John, you know the only reason we were together was things were already rocky with Kem, it was over with her before we began."

"I know Harper, I just...you are beautiful and sexy and amazing and it is already difficult and we have to figure out the boundaries."

"Make new rules, because in a lot of people's eyes I am the temptress and they are going to think I am trying to seduce you."

"I don't know Harper, I am not exactly a boy scout, they might just thing we are getting a little on the side, I doubt anyone who knows me would think that I am so innocent that I would be seduced, more like I would be doing the seducing."

Carter parked the car, silently pulling the bags out of the back and helping her to the check in. Too soon it was time for her to clear security, this was the moment that John was dreading. Harper watched as he hugged Devon, she could see he was fighting the tears, finally handing the boy back to her. Harper set Devon down, pulling John into a deep, warm embrace, kissing his cheek.

"I am going to miss you so much, but I will see you soon."

"Don't go, please, Harper." The words snuck out, he felt more than saw the slight shake of her head.

"John, don't." Harper scooped up Devon.

"Daddy!" Devon held his arms out to John, who ruffled the boys hair gently.

"Bye Dev, you be good for mommy, I'll see you soon. Go, Harper, please, just…go now." He turned and walked away before Harper could say another word.

"Daddy go bye bye mommy? Daddy!" Devon's small voice carried out over the bustle of the airport.

John heard Devon's voice, but he forced himself to keep walking. He knew if he turned around, or if he went back he was going to break down into tears, beg her again not to leave. He already knew it would be futile, he had practically begged her already and she was firm and resolute, she was going back to Germany with Devon and there was nothing he could say or do to change it. He felt his heart breaking, he hated this damn airport, why did it seem someone was always leaving him or he was leaving someone when he was here?

Harper hugged her son tightly, watching John walk away, feeling the ache in the pit of her stomach and not for the first time when it came to John Carter. He was in her heart, he would forever be in her heart in a way she could never admit to him.

She had made huge mistakes, if she had done anything different over the past few years her whole life might be different. His might be different too, altered, he may be healthy and whole…and hers. She had instead thought it better to sacrifice, thinking she was protecting him from getting hurt, but all she had done was hurt him even more than she could ever have imagined.

"Yes honey, daddy has to go, but he'll come and see you soon."

She forced on a positive face for Devon, removing his shoes and placing her belongings in the bin, walking through the metal detector, taking one last glance back, knowing he was gone. She held her son tighter, this little boy, part of the man she loved, could have been happy with if she had not been so stupid. Now he was married, had a family, was happy without her...and maybe that was just as it should be, perhaps Susan really was the right woman for John, she seemed to love him.

Unknown to John was the visit Susan had made to Harper, her own little request that Harper stay in the US.

* * *

 

Harper had heard the light knock on her apartment door, she was not expecting anyone, John had Devon until tomorrow, and then she would have her son for a few days.

She opened the door to find Susan standing on the doorstep.

"Susan. This is a surprise."

Harper stepped back slightly, beckoning for the woman to come in. They were not friends exactly, but they were not adversarial either. They both respected the other's relationship with John, or so it seemed to Harper. Susan had been incredibly patient though this whole nightmare, the accident, the time in the hospital. From what Harper could tell, Susan had been wonderful with her son, accepting, and very loving with John, even though it could be a bone of contention for some couples.

"Sorry for bothering you. I…was really hoping that you would have a few minutes to chat? I know that John has Devon and that maybe you were home?"

Harper appraised Susan, the woman looked great, though she could just tell there was something serious on her mind.

"Sure. What about?" Harper led her into the apartment, it felt strange to be there again, she and John had some great times in this place, and that Harper was living there even for a short time seemed weird.

"What else? The man in our lives?" Susan shrugged slightly, trying to not sound catty, even if the words could be construed that way.

"Oh. Um, I just made coffee, would you like some?" She was a bit taken aback by the directness of Susan's reply, but she saw it was not meant to be negative, rather that this was a bit uncomfortable for each of them.

Harper moved around the tidy kitchen, pulling out mugs and pouring coffee, offering cream and sugar, making small talk until they were both ready to sit.

"You like staying here?"

"I do, it's really nice, and it is great to have a place to call home, even if it just for a little while. My commanding officer is looking forward to having me back on base soon. That is why you're here right? Making sure I am going to be getting out of dodge, and out of John's life again? I know you don't want me here, Susan. I'm the other woman so to speak, I slept with him when he was married to Kem, and I can just bet that you would rather I be gone, far away from your husband."

Susan frowned. "Why, should I be worried? Someone told me that given your history with John, I should be very careful, that I should not trust you around him, he might be tempted. After all, you two had quite the long term affair, and he cares about you a lot. You have a child together."

Harper shook her head. "No, you don't need to be worried. He loves you Susan, John and I had an affair yes, but it would never have happened if Kem had not betrayed him first. To be honest, I see how happy he is with you, and I would never do anything to ruin that, Susan. It breaks my heart really, to see how difficult things have been for him. He is finally happy, I love him, which means I want that for him."

"Do you? So you have no thoughts of trying to take him away?"

"No, I don't want to take him away from you, from his kids. He needs you, you've been there for him, you love him, I can tell. I'm the ex, what we had was really fun, and I care deeply, but no, I would never even try. This is not a competition, he can care about both of us, and I know he does, but he is in love with you, not with me. I would do anything to make him happy."

"Really? Anything Harper? Truly?"

"What are you getting at? You want me gone, right?"

"No, I want you to consider moving back to the States, preferably somewhere not far from Chicago. For John. So he can see Devon more often. I know he cares about you, and he cares about his son, and he won't ask this of you, because he knows you love your job, your life. He will sacrifice something really important to him, because he won't take Devon away from you."

Harper was listening a bit incredulously. John's wife was asking her to stay? To move back to Chicago?

"I don't understand. I mean, I know John won't take Devon from me, he and I have already had the discussion, he wants to see his son as much as possible of course, I always knew he would be a great daddy, and this is really difficult. But for you to say you want me around? The woman who had an affair with John…you want me close? What is that, the whole keep your enemies closer type idea?"

"No, I don't think we are enemies, we never were. I want you to consider something before you pack up and move back to Germany with Devon."

"Okay. What is it?"

"I know you know about the kidney transplant, not everyone does, but you do."

"Of course I do. Debbie told me John was really ill, and I found out about it. Is he okay Susan? Is something wrong? Is he sick again and not telling me?"

"No, he's healthy at the moment. I just want you to consider the statistics. The long term survival rates and what that means for John and for Devon. John is good now, but…this is so hard for me to talk about, sorry." Susan brushed her fingers under her eyes, willing herself not to cry. She took a few deep breaths, trying to get her emotions under control while Harper watched her in concern.

"It's okay, I get it. Believe me, I have thought about it too." Harper reached out and squeezed Susan's hand gently.

Susan looked at her with a bit of surprise, but allowed the gesture. Appealing to the other woman in John's life seemed crazy, but here she was. She would do anything for John, absolutely anything, and she at least had to try. She took deep breath before letting the words flow out.

"Please don't take Devon so far away. Even if John is good now, we both know that something could go wrong…Harper, each year Devon is away is a year he doesn't get to have memories of his father. The reality is John may not get to see any of his kids grow up or get married or have families of their own." Susan was outright crying now, she had vowed she would not cry in front of Harper, but she could not help herself. "I have no right to ask this of you, but if you stay, John will be able to spend more time with all of his kids. Devon can have a real relationship with his father, and get to know his brother and his sisters, that is so important to John. You know how his parents were, absent for everything that mattered. I know you had never intended for John to find out about Devon, but…he did, and the fact that you are going to take Devon back to Germany…given the circumstances, I wish you wouldn't go."

"Wow, you love him a lot, you are willing to share him with me. with Devon?"

"I would not go so far as to say I want to share him with you, Harper, I admit to a bit of jealousy. Knowing how close you are to John, knowing you shared something special with him. I can see that it was, whatever was between you was and maybe still is a deep emotional connection. You helped him get through a dark time, and it has left its mark, maybe for the better. Even worse the fact that you have known him for so long, I worry you know him even better than I do. But Devon is his child, a part of him, and as inconvenient a fact as that may be, I know how John feels about him."

Harper let out a puff of air, Susan said this with a touch of dry humour, but she could still see the depth of emotion behind the words. She let her own lighter side come out in reply.

"Ah, knew it was too good to be true, and of course I could never expect it right?"

Susan frowned at her slightly. "No, I don't share well when it comes to my husband, don't even joke about it. You know my first husband, we divorced because he cheated, and I would not be able to forgive John for it either. There is a lot at stake here for me, we haven't been married very long but I want him to be the last man I marry, Harper, I love him."

Harper met her eyes. "No, Susan, I get that, and you're right, I'm sorry for making light of it. I didn't mean it like that, really I didn't, its just...well, if the situation were reversed I would want you as far away as possible from my husband. But you don't need to worry, absolutely nothing like that is going on, and it won't. I won't deny that our time together was special. Something I needed as much as he did. I don't know how much he told you, but my husband cheated on me, and I was dealing with my own divorce and betrayal. John…well, I think we helped each other heal and get over it, you know?"

Susan shook her head. "He has not told me anything that personal about you, I know a bit, but he uses great discretion in sharing personal details."

"Mmhm, I know, he was never the kiss and tell kind of guy, right? He may have his faults, but for the most part he's pretty respectful that way. I know he loves you, but he hasn't shared any intimate personal details about you either."

"Good, I would be angry if he did. So, will you give it some thought? Staying? I must be crazy for doing this but...I've become a bit attached to Devon too, and I trust John. I have to trust him, right?"

"You should trust him. You know, I have my life and career in Germany, I have friends, built a support system there. As much as I care that Devon has his father in his life, I can't hang around on the periphery of John's life with you. Do you understand that? For me to move here for that reason would be too hard."

"Oh, wow. You are totally in love with him." Susan's feelings were tumultuous, the realization hitting her hard. "Why, Harper. He could have been all yours, you let him go, why?"

"I…man, I cannot believe I am telling you this, Susan. Please, don't tell John."

The two woman studied each other for a long silent moment.

"Okay, this conversation is between us Harper. I promise."

"When we were together, I admit it, it was intense. However, there were a couple things that held me back. One of which is…I never thought I could give him a child, the family I knew he wanted so much. Even all through my pregnancy, I could not really believe that it was going to happen, but I knew John would be there if I told him, and I could not put him through the loss of another child."

"So why didn't you just phone him after Devon was born? He was healthy, John would have wanted to see his son."

"I didn't want him to give up the life he was reestablishing here in Chicago. He had done that already, for Kem, and he got badly hurt. Then he was seeing you, and I didn't want to interfere. I worried that what John had felt for me was…not what I felt for him. That he was on the rebound and I was just convenient, I mean, we hadn't seen each other in years, we were both coming out of bad situations, and it just happened with no thought on either of our parts. It wasn't planned, or premeditated, it just happened, timing was key."

Susan inhaled deeply, but nodded silently.

"I was not sure if it was real or illusion, what we were feeling, and I needed to space to figure it out. Was it just rebound sex and the infatuation that comes with it? Wishful thinking? I didn't want us to both jump into the deep end, to hurt each other, not after coming out of the relationships we were just in. By the time I knew how I felt, he was with you."

"So you are going because..."

"I can't stay and watch him with you. He's happy with you, Susan, and I need to go back to my life so you and John can move on with your lives, and so I can too. It makes me a little jealous too, you know? Seeing him with you, I can manage it once in a while, but not too often. This is better, trust me."

* * *

 

John sat for sometime staring blankly at the steering wheel before he was able to turn over the engine. He took a few deep breaths, then made for home, knowing his kids were there waiting for him. Knowing he had to make the best of the situation, that he had a lot in his life, more than he had allowed himself to hope for in a long time.

He had managed to get partway home when his phone rang.

"Hello."

"John? It's Wendall."

"Wendall, hi, how are you?"

"Fine, fine. Do you have a couple minutes? Could you come by the ER at County?"

"Sure, I guess. What's going on?"

"It would be better if I could talk to you in person?"

"Oh oh. Am I in trouble?" John checked his mirror and made for the exit, knowing he would have to make a bit of a detour to get over to County from his current location.

"No, but I need your assistance with something and it is kind of important? Might have something to do with Dr. Lewis."

John felt his heart almost stop. "Is she okay? Did they bring her in?"

"No, no, John, Susan isn't here, she isn't hurt or in the ER, this is something else entirely." Wendall reassured him quickly, hearing the panic in his voice at his wife's name being mentioned.

"You scared me there for a second, okay, I'm on my way."

"Hey Jerry, Wendall around?" The triage nurse opened the sliding doors for John, he gave her a wave as he approached the desk.

"Yeah, she said she had called you, she's in Exam 2, she wanted me to page her when you got here." He picked up the phone and paged Wendall, John leaned against the desk, idly looking at the board, when a name caught his eye.

S. Lewis.

"Jerry, who is that? Wendall said Susan wasn't here, why is her name on the board?"

Jerry looked up at the board. "Uh, no, it's not Dr. Lewis, it's some teenage girl, you'd have to ask Morris or Lockhart. Yeah she's with Lockhart and Wendall is down, they call for a Social Worker."

S. Lewis. John was turning this over in his mind.

"Carter, how are you?"

"Hi Chuney, I'm good, how are you?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Not sure yet, waiting for Wendall."

He turned as Wendall came up to the desk.

"Hm, what is it with you and stray children, John. We have a teenage girl I wanted to ask you about."

"Well, you can hardly blame me for this one, if it has anything to do with that?" John pointed at the board. "The S. Lewis on the board? Susie Lewis?"

"Yes, do you know her?"

"She very well may be Susan's niece. Mother Chloe? Born on mothers day? About 16 years old?"

Wendall nodded. "No coincidence then, the name. The girl was born in May, her mom is Chloe."

"No, it's not a coincidence, she was named after Susan, born right here at County. Her mom Chloe is a drug addict and alcoholic, Susan tried to adopt her when she was a baby but Chloe took her away before it went through. What's going on with her?"

"She came in disoriented, she was scared John, she's not in good shape, and she's refusing to talk. I can't really say much more, privacy and all."

"Can I talk to her? We should get Susan down here too. She would want to know."

"I just wanted to know if she might be related, I don't know if I can let you talk to her, you aren't her doctor."

"No, but I still have privileges here, Cate left me on the hospital listing, you can consult me as a physician, I am considered a per diem Attending for both here and the Centre."

Wendall nodded. "Okay then, it couldn't hurt, we are getting nowhere fast with this girl."

"I'm calling Susan, then I will talk to her, if you could come in with me?"

"Yes, I can do that."

John dialled Susan at work.

"Dr. Lewis's office."

"It's John, is Susan there?"

"She's stepped out John, can I have her call you back? I think she went to get something to eat."

"Can you tell her just to come down to County? All the kids are fine, tell her not to worry, that is important, make sure she doesn't worry, but I need her to come into the ER. Even if she has to cancel something this afternoon."

John went down to meet Wendall, and they both stepped into the room. One of the nurses was sitting with the girl, keeping an eye on her.

John sat on one of the stools, not wanting to stand over the girl, wanting her to feel comfortable.

"You can go, Wendall and I can take it from here."

The nurse nodded and left the room quietly, anxious to get back to her other patients. He heard the door open, and Abby stepped in quietly, a slight frown on her face.

"Susie. Last time I saw you, you were a tiny little thing, barely a year old."

The girl blinked, then looked over at him, still not speaking. Abby's eyes went from Carter to the teenager, watching closely, slightly surprised that he did actually know the girl.

"I'm Dr. John Carter. I knew your mom. And I know your Aunt Susan."

The girl's eyes flickered slightly, so John kept talking.

"You know Susan has been worried about you? She would have liked to see you , but she never knew where you were. Your mom, Chloe, took you and disappeared."

"She never cared, she would have found me if she really cared."

"She tried Susie, you know she came to New York that time when your mom ended up in the hospital. Do you remember that?"

"No, I don't remember, I just remember my mom making us move all the time. Her creepy boyfriends. She was on drugs half the time."

"Mm, well you were little, maybe seven years old at the time. Can you tell me how you got here?"

John could see the tears in the girls eyes. "My mom, she got sick, and I couldn't get her to wake up, she was always high. I knew my mom had family in Chicago, so I came here, but I didn't know where to go."

"You're safe now Susie, how would you like to see your Aunt Susan?"

"Can I? Will she come?"

"I can ask her to come and I think she will be really excited to see you, Susie. In fact I left her a message to come down here, so I am going to call and see if she is on her way."

His cell phone started ringing just as he said this, he looked at the call display.

"Hi."

"John, you left me a message to come down to County, I'm in the car. Is everything okay? The kids are okay right?"

"Yes, they're safe at home with Elise. There is someone here who wants to see you."

"Who? What's going on? Wait I am parking I will be there in a minute. Who John?"

"Susie is here."

"What! Susie? Is she okay?"

"Yes, I'm talking to her now, she wants to see you. We're in Exam 2."

John could hear the tears in her voice. "I can't believe it, Susie. I haven't seen her in so long, I can't wait."

"I'll let her know you are coming right away." He hung up the phone and smiled at Susie. "She will be here in a minute, she was just in the parking lot. I will be back in a second."

He stepped out and saw Susan coming down the hall. She looked teary, and he wrapped her up in hug.

"Hey honey. Sh, it's okay, Susie is okay. We don't know the whole story yet, she wasn't talking but she remembers you. She came in a bit disoriented, so be easy on her."

"Okay, okay. How did you know she was here?"

"Wendall called me, asked me if it was a coincidence, the name, Susie Lewis."

"I want to see her."

John held out his hand, linking their fingers as he pushed open the door, shutting it behind them. He motioned with his head for Abby to leave the room, which she did after a moment of hesitation.

"Susie, do you remember me?" Susan said softly.

"Aunt Susan?" Susie replied hesitantly.

Susan stepped towards her, holding her arms open, the teenager moving in to give her an embrace. John could see the sobs shaking the girls body as she clung to Susan tightly.

Wendall nodded and gave John a smile, quietly letting herself out.

"What are you doing here? Where is your mom?"


	37. Chapter 37

"My mom took off again, I remembered her saying you used to work in Chicago at County. I thought I would try here as grandma and grandpa live here too right?"

"They do, I don't see them very often, but they are here. I am happy you found me."

"Me too." Susie looked over at John. "It's okay, you can leave now, my aunt Susan is here."

Susan gave John a smile, then looked back at Susie. "If it's okay, I'd like him to stay…you know he's my husband. And you have cousins."

Susie looked at Susan quickly. "You're married? To him?"

John watched her scan Susan's left hand, and noticed her eyes widen as she saw the ring set on her finger. They were kind of hard to miss actually, she had picked a very impressive diamond and one of the more expensive rings he had singled out for her. He never told her, but the store had brought in some stock for that night from New York, he had done a lot of planning to make it special and to make sure she got a top quality diamond. He had also pre chosen wedding bands with the help of Jesse.

"Yes, we've been together for close to two years now and we got married not too long ago. I would love it if you came to stay with us for a bit." Susan looked over Susie's head at John who nodded slightly.

John stepped out to talk to Abby, who had checked the girl over.

"Abby." He took her aside so they could speak privately. "Is she okay physically?"

"Yes, she just probably needs a few good meals, a hot shower, and a warm bed. Susan hasn't seen her for a long time?"

"No, her sister Chloe took off with her a few years back and has been in the wind ever since. Susan would occasionally get an envelope from her or a Christmas card, but its been a long time now. If she is okay, she can come and stay with us for a bit."

"Yes, I can discharge her and she can go with you and Susan if she likes. I am a bit worried though, keep an eye on her, be careful with her."

"Why?" John frowned slightly. "What is bothering you about Susie?"

"Well, just talking to her, she's had it rough. You and Susan have young kids in the house and I am sure she had seen some abuse Carter. She was disoriented, keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't bring anything into the house that the kids could get into, I would hate to see one of your kids end up in here overdosed on street drugs. Devon is the perfect age to be digging into things, Cosmo is probably old enough."

"What did Susie say? Did something come up on her tox screen?

"Denied it, said she wasn't using and her tox screen was clear, but still, be careful"

"Noted. Thanks Abby, I will talk to Susan about it. Devon isn't here though, and Susan has been good about teaching Cosmo about respecting drugs that are around the house. The smaller ones are watched pretty closely, they are that age where they want to put everything in their mouths."

"Where's Devon?"

"Harper took him back to Germany with her."

"Carter. I'm really sorry, are you going to see him?"

"Of course, just makes it more difficult, I'll have to go there to see him, or fly over to pick him up and bring him back to Chicago for visits, but we have it worked out."

"Good, good. Must be hard on you, seeing him go?"

"It is what it is, Abby, she has a life there, I have a life here. What can I do? I will discuss Susie with Susan, and maybe we will need to look into counselling or something?"

"Might be wise." Abby grabbed his arm before he turned away. "Carter."

"What?"

"I'm sorry about...you know...the other day. I should have known better, that you would not have kept something like that from me. I feel kind of stupid, getting in your face, obviously some things you don't want to share with everyone."

He shrugged. "Okay. Trust Jack to stir up shit that is none of his business."

"Why are you calling him Jack? I don't get it, he's your dad. He seems worried about you."

John gave a little humourless laugh. "Yeah, well you wouldn't get it. Private stuff, okay? If I want to call him Jack, then that is my prerogative, but if you must know...I've disowned him."

"Disowned him? I thought parents only did that to their kids."

"Yeah, well now kids do it to the non parents who were never there and only decide to be part of their lives when it becomes convenient for them. He has barely been around for me for the last 30 years and now he suddenly wants to be part of my life? Fuck that, I'm done with him and his crap, I don't need him, I suppose I never really have if I'm honest. Don't tell me you didn't have times when you would have disowned Maggie."

Abby had to give him that one. "Okay, yeah, you're right, when she first showed up at County that time I pretended I didn't know her."

"I remember. I can't say if my mother showed up here that I wouldn't pretend I didn't know her either. Who knows if I would even recognize her, not sure she would know me if she walked by me in the street. Anyway, my parents were never there, not really since I was 11, and whenever I see them they never have much to say that is positive. So, I am cutting them out of my life, why put myself through any more of it."

"Right." Abby remembered how cold Eleanor Carter was, the fact that John had become such a warm caring person almost defied logic. Then again, perhaps the woman had done him a favour, disappearing from his life.

John went back into the room, observing Susan with her niece.

"Susan, can I have a minute?"

"Sure." She followed him into the hall. "What's the matter?"

"I don't even know how to say this, so, I'm just going to come out with it. We need to keep an eye on Susie, given Chloe's history.

"Did they do a tox screen?" Susan was worried that her niece had picked up her mom's bad habit.

"Clear right now, but still, if she comes to stay with us we have to be careful. Four young kids, Susan, and if she brings any drugs in and one of them gets hold of something...I don't know what I would do if something happened."

"We will have to talk to her about it before we leave. We will keep a close eye on her."

"Yup, that is what I was thinking. We can get her counselling if she needs it, or whatever, we just need to be careful."

Susie was laying on the bed when they returned to the room.

"Susie." Susan sat down, pulling a stool up close. "I need to ask you something."

"What?" The girl eyed Susan suspiciously.

"You know we have young kids at home, and I would love for you to come and stay. I need to ask if you use any drugs."

Susie shook her head. "No, I don't"

John eyed her closely, he knew how good addicts could be at lying.

"Susie, if you have a problem, we only want to help you. You can tell us if there is anything you need help with."

She shook her head. "No, I promise, I don't. Mom does, all the time, but I swear I don't, I never wanted to be like her, with the creepy boyfriends."

"Okay, but the offer is always open. Would you like to stay with us for a while?" Susan took the girls hand.

"Really? I was going to try and find grandma and grandpa, but you would let me stay with you instead?"

"Of course, you're family Susie. I have missed you so much, and I would love for you to come stay with us for a while."

They checked her out of the ER and collected her meagre belongings. She was quiet in the back of the car on the way home, but her eyes widened at the sight of their house.

"You live here, Aunt Susan?" She sounded in awe.

"We do. We have a very nice guest room you can stay in for a while, until we figure thing out, okay?"

"Wow, okay."

John carried her small bag in for her and sent Elise home for the rest of the day. Susan got Susie settled into the guest room.

The first few days were great, Susan was happy to have Susie staying with them, she took her out and bought her a few new clothes. Susie was good with the younger kids in the house though all three adults, John, Susan or Elise were always around, never leaving the children alone with Susie. She was an unknown, Susan had not seen her in years.

"John?"

"What baby?" He was digging for some fresh sleep pants in his drawer.

"I am going to take Susie to see Cookie and Henry, I phoned them the other day, and they want to see her. Funny, they still haven't asked to see any of my kids, but they want to see Susie. The first grandchild is the only one that matters I suppose." She was sitting on the edge of the bed, idly running a brush through her hair.

John let out a long breath, knowing Susan's family was every bit as difficult to fathom as his was. Cookie and Henry had five grandchildren including Susie, yet they had made no effort to even come and see their babies once, and nothing had arrived for Cosmo at Christmas even. They lived on the outskirts of Chicago, not really more than 45 minutes from the doorstep and they could not be bothered it seemed.

"I'm sorry." He sat down beside her, sliding an arm around her, letting her rest her head against him. "I know it's difficult, and it's kind of expected of Cookie, but I am really shocked that Henry as made absolutely no effort to come and see our kids."

"Like they don't exist. At least they have us, that is something, but no grandparents whatsoever." Susan brushed away the tears, leaning further into John. "I'm sorry, I don't know why this is hitting me so hard. It just feels unfair that they can't be bothered with Cosmo or Ava or Ben or Maya, but they were so excited to know Susie was here. Chloe was always their golden child, and I am the chopped liver. Worth nothing to them, they forgave her everything when she came back clean, the whole three months she had been off drugs. Criticized me for being leery of her success. I wasn't supportive enough in their view, but nothing when she fell off the wagon again."

John rubbed her arm, dropping a kiss on her hair. "Oh Susan. It has been rough for you too, the lack of parental support? I don't get it either, you worked so hard, put yourself through school, why they could not be proud of that? Defies logic on every level, that they could be so blind when it comes to Chloe, yet so hard on you."

"Whatever. I guess I should just do what you are doing with your parents and disown the lot of them. My whole family, keep Susie, and just let the rest of it all go. At first I was thinking you were being harsh with Jack, but now? From what I have seen over the past couple months? No way, you are doing what you need to do to survive, to be happy, to move on with life. I should do that too, this is the last time I am going to accommodate them, if they want to see her again then they will have to come into the city to see her. "

"I agree. Let them make the effort, and if they don't want to, then forget it. We have our own stuff to deal with, worrying about them...well, it's not worth it, Susan. You are a wonderful, beautiful, caring and strong woman, they should be so proud of how you've been living your life. If they aren't, then its their problem, not yours."

Susan gave a soft laugh. "Words of wisdom, spoken from someone who knows all to well."

"I suppose so. Do you want me to go with you? We can all drive out?"

"Thanks, but...no. If you can just take care of the kids, if that's okay? We won't be gone all day and we could have Elise come in for a couple hours, but Cosmo has a birthday party to go to, could you drop him off? You won't be expected to stay, I already picked up the present."

"I'll be okay, Cosmo is a good helper, and no problem with the birthday party. Where is it?"

"Oh, at that indoor playground, so you'll have to drive him. Is that okay?

"Absolutely. I'll get Deb to go with me, we can take the kids to the park or something, she was wanting to get together."

"Jing-Mei you mean? She's back?"

"Yup, she phoned me the other day, I helped get her apartment set up for her, have the cleaning service in, all that stuff. She is going to start volunteering part time once she gets settled. I spoke with Delia too, and Lexi is starting Monday, right?"

"Yes, I am going to spend a few days with her, show her around, get her settled into the position. She was pretty excited to be taking over my job, never expected it, but she will be a good fit, and she will be comfortable to call either of us if she runs into issues. Luka is starting as Attending in a couple weeks too I hear, and then they hired someone I have never heard of as the second Attending, so I hope they're good."

"Oh, they are, I saw all the resumes, and I met her, she will work well with the team. Delia brought me in for consultation before she hired. Did I tell you that Abby applied too? Could you imagine?"

"I heard something about that and no...how did you turn her down?"

"I didn't...Delia did, but we had a discussion about it, and the truth is we had a lot of far more qualified doctors apply, with far more experience and further along in their careers. Delia made good hiring decisions, and I support them, if there is blowback I will deal with it, but I can honestly say she was not the most qualified of applicants, we had some really strong contenders and she didn't make the cut."

"Wow, you're tough John, rarely see this side of you."

"Yeah, well, it's a business Susan and I have to run it like a business. That means making tough decisions sometimes, as you come to a few more board meetings for both the Centre and the Foundation, you will see. You know my dad and my grandfather were both businessmen but they also have law degrees? that I had to go to Wharton and get a business background to get my medical school paid for? I grew up around very strong business people, including my grandmother, she was like the dragon lady when it came to business."

"I can only imagine. Thanks, you have made me feel better." Susan wrapped her arms around him, dragging him down on the bed with her, running her hands down his bare back.

She met his chocolate eyes with her soft green ones, caressing the nape of his neck as their lips met. Susan smiled inwardly, it felt like they could never get enough of each other, it was a bit unreal to her that their passion and desire didn't show any signs of waning. Even with all the children in the house they still made time for each other, and she was even happier with the thought that she was soon done work and they were going to spend the summer in Europe together.

* * *

 

Morning came too early, for Susan's liking anyway. She dreaded the visit to her parents, she was not sure she was going to be able to hold her tongue when it came to their lack of interest in her family. She thought she might even be tempted to drop Susie off, but then again, that would be leaving a teenage girl to the mercies of her parents. She cared about Susie too much to leave her defenceless with Cookie in the room. Henry, well he was okay, but Cookie wore the pants in the family, that was certain and she was half crazy.

"Morning." John's sleep voice cut into her reverie, his warm arms sliding around her, his body pressed up against her as he kissed her neck.

"Morning baby, I hope I didn't wake you up with my tossing and turning." Susan loved the morning cuddles, wrapped up snug and secure in the cocoon of fluffy sheets and duvet.

"Mm, it's okay, something on your mind? Did you get some sleep?"

"I had a great sleep, just woke up way too early, and I don't think I am going to get back to sleep. Just dreading the visit with Cookie in particular."

"Don't go. Call and tell them you aren't coming if it is bothering you that much, make them get off their asses and come see you."

"No, I said I would go, and Susie is looking forward to it, so I should still go." Susan carefully turned in his arms, stroking his cheek with her fingertips. "You know you could make my morning better though, give me something to smile about."

"Could I? Hm, I wonder what I could possibly do to put a smile on your face, Dr. Lewis. Insatiable."

"When it comes to you...yes I am." Susan smiled as his hands skimmed down her body, over her hips. He rolled them slightly, kissing her neck lightly, then moving across her collarbone, down to her breasts. "Mm, I love it when you do that." She played with his hair, letting her fingers wander through lightly.

"And I love it when you do that." He murmured against her soft warm skin, sliding down to kiss her stomach.

Susan tugged him upwards, pushing him over onto his back, taking control, straddling his body while probing and exploring his mouth. She grazed his cheek with her fingertips as she settled onto him, rocking slowly and sensuously as they kissed deeply.

"You are so beautiful."

Susan could feel his hands moving over her body, one grasping her hips, helping guide her, the other cupping one of her full breasts. She pulled him up, readjusting slightly, bodies gently colliding, tongues tangling, hands wrapping into hair.

"God baby, oh god." Susan moaned into his ear, trying to be quiet as the sensations rolled over her. She could feel his breath hot against her neck as he buried his face. She let herself finally collapse against his chest as they both climaxed within moments of each other.

John flipped them carefully, holding her close against him as they relaxed on the bed, sharing some small kisses. John could hear sounds over the baby monitor in their room.

"Sounds like our wake up call."

Susan gave him a little saucy grin. "I think I already had mine. I love waking up like this, no rush to go anywhere, only a couple more weeks and I don't have to rush in the morning to go to work."

"You actually sound happy about it. Looking forward to some time off work?"

"I am. I never thought I would be so happy to have the time off, that maybe I would be bored, but we have the kids, and so much planned over the summer with the trip to Germany, not like when I was home with Cosmo, we will be really busy."

"We will, and if you get the urge to work we can put you into the volunteer schedule. Cate actually called and asked if I could do a couple shifts for her at County, you could do days there too if you wanted to keep up your trauma skills."

"Can I do that? Wouldn't that be working again?"

"No, I was volunteering at County, they paid me just enough to cover off the malpractice, but we are associated with County through the Centre, and you have malpractice insurance so I bet Cate would love to have you come in. They won't pay you but that's okay, not like we actually need for you to earn an income."

"A bit of an understatement isn't it? Not having to work, it is kind of unreal, I can't really wrap my mind around it. I remember when we tried to get you to tell us your family net worth, no wonder you were evasive."

Susan had sat down with John and he had gone over his financials, which was mind blowing on so many levels for Susan. She had pretty much always known he came from a super wealthy family, but the extent of his wealth now that his grandmother had left her estate to him was something she was not really prepared for. Even after the market downturn a few years ago, he had a lot of money, and had made some astute investments in the past 3 years which brought his net worth up substantially. That was just personally, not to mention the amount of money he was in control of under the Foundation and the Carter Centre.

"Ah, right, well, back then I didn't really know, I had only a vague idea, I didn't concern myself much with it, you know? I have significant income through work and through my trust fund, and aside from clothing and travel I didn't spend a lot either. It was after my grandmother died that it became real, when she left me in control of everything, it was a wake up call. And I meant it, money is not everything Susan, you know its true."

"I do know, and I wish we could go back to that day and change things. I regret being such a bitch that day, I was pushing you, but to be honest, I was jealous and I took it out on you. I can see so clearly now what you were saying, I resented you getting tenure too, when I didn't, I should have recognized a few things, that you had stayed when so many left, you worked really hard to get where you were and went through a lot and...I'm still sorry about it."

"I played my part in it Susan, there were things I wished I had done differently that day too. Who knows if we would have worked back then, and look what we have now. How about you just forgive yourself, I already did a long time ago and it was something we both learned from, correct? We will try not to make those same kinds of mistakes again." He kissed her deeply. "I need to shower then I think we will need to get some breakfast."

Susan watched him disappear into the bathroom, hearing the sleepy gurgles as the babies started to wake up. Forgive. It was certainly bygones, and if it wasn't worrying or bothering John, then maybe she should just make a point of letting it all go. She slid out of bed, following him into the bathroom, he had the water warmed up and was just starting to wash his hair as she stepped in to join him.

"Room in here for two?" She asked pointlessly. The shower was a good size, with a double rain shower coming from the ceiling, something they had decided to add given how much she like to be in the shower with him...and vice versa.

"Always room for you, baby. Why do you think we have such a big shower?" He poured a little shower gel onto her bath sponge and washed her back for her, moving around to soap her stomach and breasts.

Susan leaned back into him, enjoying the sensations of his skilled hands washing her body. He had a way of touching her that made her melt, whether it was instinctive, or due to how he was trained as a doctor and surgical resident, she was not entirely sure. She never wondered why so many patients would come in and ask for him personally, it made perfect sense to Susan, he had a way with people in general and he was one of the best doctors she had ever worked with. And that was saying a lot, she had worked with some spectacular doctors during her time, at County in particular.

"I could just stay in here all day." She moaned softly as his hands traveled south, discovering her arousal, toying with her, making her breathe heavily. "Oh, that feels so damn good."

She felt the shudder run down her spine as his body pressed against hers, his gentle entry, the movement of his hips as she pushed back against him. John could hear her soft sounds of pleasure, holding back slightly, trying to make it last, but knowing they had limited time before everyone in the house would be awake and demanding attention from them. He picked up the pace, knowing just what to do to get her over the edge quickly.

" _John_." Susan cried out softly as her muscles clenched, then pulsed as he finished, holding her for a few moments until she caught her breath and was steady on her feet.

They both rinsed and stepped out, wrapping in fluffy towels, quickly finding clothes to dress themselves in. Their were a few squawks and a persistent cry issuing from the monitor now, no more time to play around, the day had begun.

* * *

 

John stopped in front of the apartment building, sending a quick text to Deb that he had arrived. He would normally go up, but today he had four kids, and trying to wrangle the twins and Ava out of car seats, and into the apartment held no appeal. He waited patiently for Deb to come down, jumping out to give her a big hug before she settled into the passenger seat of the SUV.

"It is so good to see you, you look great John."

"So do you. The time off agreed with you obviously, you missed Chicago?"

"Strangely enough, yes, I did, but mostly I missed you. It is so great you have moved back...permanently it seems?"

"Yeah, in for the long haul now I guess, though we have some travel plans over the summer, we are going to Europe."

"Let me guess, Germany?"

"To start with, yes, I get Devon for a month, then he has to go back to his mom, and we will travel for another months before we come home to get Cosmo back into school."

"Crazy. You go from no kids to a whole houseful in what seems like 30 seconds. How did Susan take the news about the extra child?"

"She's fine, Deb. Not like we were together at the time, she accepts Devon, no problem."

"How is she getting the time off work for the whole summer? I mean, with both of you gone, and she had quite a bit of time off with the twins too right?"

"Susan resigned, Deb, she is taking some time off work."

"Really? That seems so out of character...I mean she came back quite quickly after Cosmo was born, left him home with Chuck if I remember correctly."

"True, but we have four kids, sometimes five when we have Devon with us and she is in a different place in her life. She doesn't need to work in the financial sense, she is going to do some volunteering at County and at the Centre to keep up her skills. We will be doing quite a bit of travelling, spend as much time as we can with the kids. Her niece just came up on the radar again too, she is staying with us for a bit."

"Wow, you have had some huge changes in your life. You have four kids, that is amazing...so what about the mom? Susan's sister?"

"Chloe? We have no idea where she is, she just fell off the planet again, Susie seems like a good kid though...so far no issues though she is a bit behind in her school work and we have to decide what to do for the summer. Are we going to bring her with us? I am not sure she has anywhere to go, and we are not leaving her alone in the house. It will make for quite the trip if we bring her to Europe, Susan is working on the passport angle, she has never left the US so she doesn't have one, we have to legal guardianship and I don't know if Susan is up for it after the last time."

"What about Susan's parents?"

"Yeah, like that'll happen before pigs fly. They haven't even bothered to come meet their grandchildren, so to expect them to take Susie for two months or longer? Don't count on it, I think we are going to be keeping her for a while. So how about you, how was the rest of your trip to China, how are things with you and..."

"Stop right there. I dumped him a while back, he was being a horses ass. So back to being single, it sucks you know?"

"You don't have to tell me Deb, I have been through so many break ups I think I can picture. So what did he do?"

"Oh, the usual, just being my bang buddy, not really wanting more than that, and I wasted almost a year on the jerk. The guy was clueless, didn't have any inkling that maybe at this age I am looking for a man who wants to get married, have a baby, you know? Kind of like you and Susan, which is a bit of a trip really, you and Lewis married with kids, that blew my mind."

"Yeah, I was a bit surprised myself. I'm sorry, Deb, I get it, believe me, I understand all to well. Can you watch the little ones and I will take Cosmo in for this birthday party."

He took Cosmo in to the building, watching as he bounded off to join the group of boys who were bouncing with excitement, shooting looks into the play area, barely containing the excitement of being turned loose into the multitude of tunnels and apparatus.

"Hi Jill, what time should I pick him up?"

"How about 4 pm? That will give them lots of time to play and we have a room to do snacks, cakes, and presents."

"Great. You have my cell phone? I won't be home, so if you need me to come get him earlier, just call. Susan is out visiting family and won't be back for a while." He exchanged numbers with the mom, then headed back out to car. "All under control?"

"Perfectly, they all just slept, kind of a great babysitting gig when they don't make a peep the entire time, though you were only gone a few minutes."

"Don't get too excited, just wait until they wake up. You don't mind going to the park?"

"Are you kidding? I love going to the park, and having some time with babies, I don't mind at all."

They spent some time playing with the three kids at the park, then took a walk along the river. He filled her in on the whole Kem/Harper saga, a brief history of how he and Susan ended up together, adopting Ava, having the twins, finding out about Devon, and getting married.

"Why do I feel like there is something else you aren't telling me? You have totally left County, and are just doing work on the two Boards. Why did you leave Darfur to start with?"

They sat on a bench in the shade, watching Ava toddle around while the twins napped in the stroller. John hesitated, then told her the whole story.

"John, wow, that is huge. So you are never going back then?"

"I can't, but in truth, now I don't want to anyway. I have too much here, when I first went to Africa it was because I had nothing here. The whole thing with Abby, losing my grandmother...you know the story. Anyway, when Kem and I started to fall apart, I knew I was going to be coming home sooner or later, and then my decision was made for me. I'm happy Deb, I have everything and I want to make the most of it. I am not going to risk my health or my life to go back, I want to spend time with my family while I can."

"Are you doing okay though?"

"Yes, all my checkups have been good. It's work of course, eating properly, no drinking, staying in shape, but really worth it. I feel great, but I have cut out the shift work, and I only work at County on a volunteer basis, and by agreement I avoid the highly infectious cases, I am mostly running traumas and doing some teaching. Supervisory stuff."

"So lighter work schedule, none of the gruelling shifts, travel, time with the kids? Sounds like heaven to me, John."

"It kind of is, like a wake up call you know? Feels strange, after such an unsettled life to wake up every morning, my wife actually there with me, kids sleeping down the hall, very surreal, but in a wonderful way. It makes a huge difference, I can't see how making a marriage last with the crazy shifts is even possible, even if you marry another doctor, it has to wear on the relationship after a while. How do you have time for each other with shifts and kids?"

Deb laughed. "Ah, yeah, I had that problem with relationships, and I didn't have kids either. No time for sex half the time. I assume it helps, if you make time for your significant other, have time for a proper intimate relationship, time to talk, and time to spend with the family."

"Exactly. I feel like I worked so hard to get there and I have done my part, I don't have the luxury of taking anything for granted. I want to be there for my kids, and for Susan, I can't kill myself like work is the only worthwhile thing. For a long time it felt like all I had, you know?"

"I do know John, after my parents died I felt the same way. I gave up Michael, and that my be the only chance I have to have a child. I often think of him and wish I had kept him. I miss him so much. Don't laugh, but...I am thinking about doing AI...making a withdrawal so to speak. I have done some work on adoption too, but the wait is really long, so I will have a better chance of a baby with AI."

"Why would I laugh Deb. I think either are valid options for you, you would be a great mom and sometimes you have to work at making things happen. You know, we adopted Ava, we had been trying and it wasn't happening, and we felt like we only had so much time with Susan being over 40. We didn't get into AI or IVF but she did end up on a low dose of fertility drugs. Then once the stress was off of her it just happened."

"Are you done having kids though?"

"Oh yeah, we...took care of it, the permanent solution, we have five kids between us if you include Devon, and we figured if we really wanted another one we would adopt or take in a foster child or something. Susan had a tough time carrying twins, went into early labour which we got stopped, but then she was on bed rest for the last few weeks. I would worry about her trying to have another baby, it gets riskier for her all the time."

"Wow, that must have been fun, a grouchy pregnant Susan forced to bed rest. How did you survive, she could be a real drill sergeant in the ER when she was Chief."

"She was great for the most part, actually. It was hard, I won't lie, but she held it together quite well, only mildly grouchy. She was a rock star when it came to labour, no drugs."

"She gave birth to twins with no drugs? Whatever was she thinking?"

John laughed. "No option really. We had this huge blizzard...December 5th...and the roads were snowed in, even with our SUV there was no way I was leaving the house. So I delivered them both a home, we didn't get to the hospital until hours later."

"You have got to be kidding. I remember begging for the epidural, and she toughed it out at home, giving birth to twins? You didn't freak out?"

"Why would I? Not the first delivery I have done. Though I will admit it was a touch scary when I realized Ben here was breech and out comes the foot first...just one foot mind you, so I had to tuck it back up and got him to present his bum and then of course he had his cord wrapped around his neck on top of it all. Maya was so easy, almost popped out, Ben was a bit of a challenge, but they were both only about 6 lbs so small enough we didn't run into issues. Ben wasn't breathing at first, so did a little CPR and blow by air and he came around quickly."

"Delivering you own kids, at home, after a high risk pregnancy with twins. I would have been freaking out, so good on both you and Susan, keeping it together."

John went and scooped up Ava who was wandering a little too far afield, bringing her to sit on his lap and offering her some milk.

"It was not as bad as I expected, it sure helped that Susan stayed calm, and trusted me to do the right things. If she had not been a doctor too, it might no have gone so well, but she just did exactly what I told her to do, and it worked fine. Even when Ben came out not breathing she didn't panic at all, though I could tell she was worried about him."

"I suppose that must have made a huge difference." Jing-Mei watched him with Ava. "Being a daddy suits you, it is so good to see you, to see you so happy. Last visit, when you came to China, you weren't very happy, were you?"

"Not really, things were not going all that well with Kem overall. She never got over losing Joshua, and though I felt like I had to try, in hindsight I should never have gone back to her. It was good for maybe 6 months, and then it just turned to shit, then she cheated, then I cheated, and it was all over but the divorce papers."

"I thought the expression was 'all over but the shouting'."

"Nope, not much shouting, actually one loud discussion and it was done, when she told me she was sleeping with Michel. I told her to fuck off and leave me alone, and she did. Middle of Paris and then I turn around and there was Harper, no kidding, like right there."

"I guess I don't need to ask what happened next?"

"I am sure you can guess. A few drinks later...hotel room...not much else to tell, other than I didn't bother going home and Harper didn't go back to her hotel either."

"Shocking." Jing-Mei gave him a little grin, letting him know she was not shocked at all. "Can't say I blame you, running into an ex-girlfriend right after your wife tells you she's been screwing around? Run off to Italy for a few weeks? Why the hell not, you only live once, and it's not like you were going to go back to her after she cheated."

John shook his head. "No, things were already on the rocks, so her admission didn't do much for our marriage, and I found it a little too easy to sleep with someone else and oddly I didn't even feel bad about it afterwards. Like, not at all, no guilt whatsoever."

"Do you usually feel guilty when you cheat on someone?" Deb teased.

"Ha ha, Deb. You may find this hard to believe, but I wouldn't know. First time...aside from kissing someone when I had a girlfriend, but...that was a long time ago and never happened again and never went past the kiss."

"Ahhh, hmmm, who would that have been with...lets see."

"Don't Deb. Seriously, please don't even go there, I can't think about it."

Jing-Mei looked at him with a frown. "Why? You're serious about it, why so serious John?"

Jing-Mei let her mind wander, and then she realized. Lucy. There had been a rumour about him with Lucy Knight, something happened in an exam room but it was never clear exactly what went on, and she had never asked.

He looked at his watch.

"I have to pick up Cosmo, why don't you join us for dinner tonight? You can catch up with Susan."

"Sounds great, I'd love to."


	38. Chapter 38

John exited the house quietly, trying to make as little noise as possible. He had a Board meeting this morning, and the house was quiet as he tiptoed out the door.

They'd had a bit of a late night, Deb had joined them for dinner, and they stayed up far into the evening, catching up after getting all the kids into bed. Deb had told Susan quite a lot about her time in China, and Susan seemed quite interested in going there sometime. Deb had finally headed home, John driving her as it was late and she had not brought her car, their guest room being occupied by Susie.

Susan had been a bit grouchy after the visit to see Cookie and Henry, they were happy to see their granddaughter, but the concern only went so far. Cookie wanted nothing to do with taking care of the teenager, but she did have quite a few unkind words for Susan. She had been on a rant after they retired to their room.

"Why do I bother? All she did was harp and criticize me, she complained that I haven't brought the babies over, but she refuses to come to our place. Then she said she could't take Susie at all over the summer, so now we have to figure out what we are going to do."

John stepped up and wrapped his arms around his distraught wife, embracing her tightly.

"It will all work out. What did the lawyer say?"

"Sounds long and drawn out and complicated. It's already June, how are we going to get this all done so we can go to Germany as we planned? I know you need to go, but what if we don't have arrangements for Susie. What happens then?"

"I guess then I go and get Dev and bring him back to Chicago and we postpone our Europe trip? I don't know honey, what do you want to do?"

Susan huffed in frustration. "I wanted to travel with you and the kids in Europe for the summer. Cosmo won't be off school again until Christmas, and I wanted to go during the summer when we have more time to sightsee. Why does my family have to screw things up for me? Right from when Susie was born, everyone had these expectations, and I tried so hard John." Her voice was starting to break as the tears flowed down her cheeks. "I tried to keep her, to make sure she was taken care of and Chloe took her away from me."

John held her to his chest and let her cry, rocking gently on his feet. He didn't know what to say, really there was nothing he could say to make it better, all he could do was hold her and let her get it out.

"I know baby, you did your best."

"It wasn't enough, and now...it will never be good enough, nothing I can ever do is good enough for my family. Why do I even bother?" A fresh outburst of tears had her sobbing, the salty liquid soaking into his shirt as he comforted her.

"Because we drive ourselves nuts over our families, Susan."

She took a few deep breaths, finally pulling back.

"I must look like Medusa about now, sorry for crying all over you. Sorry for being the crazy wife, balling my eyes out over my stupid parents."

"Hey, no apologies needed. You got me through my meltdown not all that long ago. We have each other Susan, you never have to be sorry for being frustrated or venting about your family, you listen to me bitch about Jack, you put up with him and his stupid questions. I love you, baby, we will get through it together, okay?"

Susan nodded, wiping away the tears with the back of her hand, knowing her eyes were red and puffy, and she was overwrought, angry and frustrated. Though she had not expected Cookie or Henry to come running with offers of assistance, that would have been too much to ask, like some sort of miracle.

"I love you so much, how would I manage without you?" Susan wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply.

John smiled slightly, thinking about making love to her after she finally calmed down. Deb was right in the fact that it was great to have the intimate connection, time to connect, time to be together, being there to support each other. He felt the happiest he had ever been in his life.

* * *

 

Susan woke up feeling content, despite the turmoil in her life, John had been wonderful last night, just letting her vent, get it all out there, reassuring her that they could get through anything as long as they were together. She slid out of bed, heading for the shower, knowing the kids would be up soon and she had to get ready to go into work. She was not expected until a little later this morning, Delia was getting Lexi settled and Susan had done some of her work over the weekend.

She leaned against the counter, still quite tired and let a wave of nausea run over her.

"I need more sleep, must be getting old, can't have a late night without feeling like crap." She mumbled to herself as she looked at herself in the mirror, taking a few deep breaths, and scooping a couple handfuls of water up, hoping it would help her feel better. She crawled into the shower, letting the warm water sluice over her, finally towelling off and going into the bedroom, digging out some clothes.

Susan was almost ready to go, she went over to her dresser where she had place her wedding and engagement ring set the night before, staring at the empty spot where her rings should be. She was certain she had put them there last night, she'd had to change an especially messy diaper and taken them off, cleaning them and putting them safely in their spot while she washed her hands and changed the crib bedding that Ben had messed up with his leaking diaper.

John? Had he moved the rings? He never did that without telling her. She went out into the hall, panicking a bit, trying to remember where she had put them. She glanced at the clock, knowing she didn't have a lot of time, maybe she had left them downstairs? But she hadn't been back downstairs afterwards, she clearly remembered putting them on the holder. She took a few deep breaths, feeling slightly dizzy.

She walked down to the guest room, opening the door quietly, finding it silent...and empty. She checked the bathroom, then each of the upstairs bedrooms before going downstairs, realizing that Susie was gone. Her coat, boots and her back pack were all gone. She had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, had Susie taken her rings?

She could feel the panic attack coming on, she ran for the bathroom, making it just in time to vomit into the toilet, feeling wretched as her empty stomach heaved. Her wedding rings were gone. Susie had taken them, of this she was pretty sure.

She curled up against the wall, sobbing, thinking about the night she picked them out, thinking about how much John must have spent on them, she knew they were top quality diamonds and he had gone to a lot of trouble to pick out the selection of rings they had brought in for her. She knew he must have special ordered the rings, she'd had people make comments about her engagement ring in particular, asking if it was real, and whistling under their breath when they realized they were Tiffany diamonds.

"Guy must love you a whole lot, those are quite the pieces of ice." Was one of the comments she had gotten...Jack had raised a brow and asked how many carats when he saw them, giving a knowing little nod and a similar comment, to the effect of 'how much did those cost?'

She was now shaking, upset that Susie had stolen something so precious, feeling betrayed, but also worried about what John was going to say. He was going to be upset and angry, she felt guilty about not taking better care of her rings, sad that Susie had taken advantage of their generosity.

She heard the door open, getting to her feet quickly, hoping it was Susie coming back. Elise looked up with a smile, a look of concern going across her face as she saw Susan's tear stained face.

"Are you all right Susan?"

Susan shook her head, bursting into tears, not able to speak.

"What's wrong? Are the kids all okay? John?"

Susan managed to nod and get out a shaky reply. "I lost my rings...my wedding rings are gone."

Elise let out a little sigh, relief that that the babies and John were okay, but worried about Susan's state of mind.

"Did you misplace them here in the house? Maybe I could help you look?"

Susan cried harder. "Susie, she's gone, and so are my rings. What do I do, I think she took them."

"Maybe we should call the police?" Elise suggested softly. She had seen the rings, they were worth a whole lot of money, she knew that without being told, she had worked for a lot of wealthy people and those were high quality diamonds, and not a carat under 6 total weight if she was any judge.

"I can't, I can't turn her in, she'll go to jail. John is going to be so angry with me, what am I going to do, I have to go to work." Susan stopped, putting her hand over her mouth again, bolting for the bathroom, making it in time to dry heave over the toilet.

Elise quietly picked up the phone, dialling John's cell phone, knowing Susan was too distraught, thinking that John was not going to be angry that her rings had been stolen. Or not angry at Susan at any rate, he would know what to do, Susan was making herself sick with worry.

"Hello?" John picked up, seeing the call was from home. The meeting was about to start, he stepped out into the hall.

"John, it's Elise. I know you are going into a meeting, but...we have a bit of a situation, and I think you need to come home."

"What's wrong? Is everyone okay?" The worry in his voice transported clearly across the line.

"No one's hurt, or in danger, but Susan is upset and you really need to come home. Please, I wouldn't ask but I don't know what to do, she is making herself physically ill she is so distraught."

"About what? Can I talk to her?"

"She is going to be angry with me for calling you, but...please come home."

"Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes."

John let the group know he had a personal emergency and left quickly, worrying all the way home about why Susan was so upset. He pulled up in front of the house, running up the steps and into the house.

"Elise? Susan?"

Elise came out of the kitchen carrying Ava.

"She's upstairs, in your room."

John went up the stairs, slowly opening the door. It was dead silent, she was not in the main room, so he went to the bathroom. Susan was sitting curled up in a ball against the tub, he could hear the occasional hiccuping sob coming from her as he went across the room and knelt down beside her.

"Baby, what's wrong?" He reached out for her as her head came up, and she threw herself into his arms, clinging to him while a fresh wave of tears rolled down her face. "Hey, shh, Susan, what's going on? Are you hurt?"

She mutely shook her head as her wrapped her up in his arms, lifting her off the tile floor. He scooped her up, carrying her into the bedroom, and sitting on the bed with her still clinging to him.

Susan was feeling devastated, and slightly irritated with Elise for calling John, but also relief that he was there. She needed to tell him, she had to get the words out.

"I...John." She sobbed.

"What? You can tell me, what happened? Why are you so upset?"

"My rings are gone, I lost my rings." She stuttered.

"Your engagement and wedding rings? Is that what this is about?"

"Yes, I lost them, they're gone."

"Hey, relax, take some deep breaths. I thought you were hurt, or sick or something. Breathe okay? Deep breath and tell me where you saw them last."

"I had them last night, I took them off when I had to change the crib, I had to clean them after Ben's leaky diaper disaster. I put them on the holder on the dresser and now they're gone. John, Susie's gone, I think she stole them."

"Oh boy. You think Susie stole your rings. Is her stuff all gone?"

"Yeah, her backpack and everything. I showered this morning and went to put them on, and they were gone. You didn't move them right?"

"No, I would have told you if I moved them. You are absolutely sure that you put them on the dresser?" He slid her off his lap onto the bed and went over to check, the dresser was organized and tidy, he could not see the rings anywhere and the holder was empty. He went over to his drawers and slid them open, noting his Rolex was missing too along with a couple of other pieces of jewelry.

He let out a slow breath, glad that a lot of the valuables were in the concealed safe, most of Susan's expensive diamonds and the estate jewels were all locked up securely.

"We've been robbed for sure, a couple of my watches are gone, she took the Rolex, and some of my cufflinks." He slid the drawer closed and turned back to Susan.

"You're angry with me."

"No, Susan, I'm not. I'm disappointed in Susie, but honey, I am not mad at you. Our home should be a safe place and you left them where they were supposed to be, you weren't careless with them, they were taken." He went back and pulled her in for a hug. "It's okay, we will figure it out, but don't be so stressed out over this, okay? Elise said you made yourself ill, it's just stuff Susan, we can replace it. You are fine, the kids are okay, and the rings are insured."

"But I don't want them replaced, I want my rings, John. I know they are just...things, but you gave them to me when we got married and they are special, they can't be replaced. I'm sorry, I am so sorry."

"Hey, shh, not your fault baby. So now we have to make a decision, and it is not going to be an easy one."

"A decision?"

"Mmhm. We really should file a police report, which means you have to turn in your niece."

"Which means she would have a record. I don't know if I can, but what am I going to do, I can't be without my rings."

John shrugged. "Your decision Susan, I am not going to make you report her. I will replace your rings for you no matter which way we go, okay? You don't have to turn her in to get them replaced."

"I want my rings back though, I wish I could have my rings, it sounds silly, but they're special John, you gave them to me and it was special when you did, but…I don't not want to wear a ring either, I feel so bare without them."

"I know and it's not silly, I understand, I feel the same about mine, you gave it to me when we got married. Maybe we can find Susie and get them back?"

"She's probably pawned them by now, I have no idea when she took them and left. Last night while I was in the babies room? This morning while I was in the shower? How long has she been gone?"

"I have no idea, I didn't notice whether her stuff was here this morning when I left, she could have gone last night or this morning after I left for my meeting."

"Oh, your meeting. I am so sorry, I am such an idiot. Getting so upset, making you come home I don't know why I got so crazy."

"It's fine, Susan, it is better that I know now. So...do we call the police or not?"

Susan closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. Typical, her family had constantly used her, Chloe had stolen her TV and some other things to pay for drugs at one time, and was always taking money from her. If she turned Susie in, she would be in big trouble with the police, but on the other hand, if she didn't turn her in, then her niece might turn to crime and she needed to be stopped now before she ruined her life.

"Call the police, and make the report." Her voice was firm.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, I am tired of my family doing this, she took my engagement and wedding ring, after we took her in. I can't do this anymore John, maybe I should have cut Chloe off way sooner, maybe it would have helped."

"You don't know that Susan. But, if you are sure, I will call now. The sooner we report it, the better chance we have of recovering the rings."

John dialled the phone, then took Susan into the bathroom, getting her to freshen up. A couple hours later the police showed up and did a quick tour of the house. John explained the situation, gave them a list of what was missing along with a copy of the receipts for the missing rings. The police officer whistled under his breath when he looked at the receipts.

"If I were you I would start checking pawn shops, but get the ring inspected, sometimes they pull the stones, and in this case the centre stone is probably the most valuable part?"

"Yes, but it is marked by the jeweller, so if we find the ring it will be easy to verify. If they haven't removed the stone from the setting then it will be even easier since I had the band engraved on both rings."

"High end jewelry, a pawn shop dream, they will ask very few questions. Your wife is pretty upset."

"Yes, she is. Her niece robbed us, took something pretty valuable, not just monetarily value but sentimental value too. They are insured but she wants her rings back, not replacement rings."

The officer pulled John out of the room. "Get a couple friends together and start looking in pawn shops. If you come across the rings, tell them they were stolen and that you are going to call the police if they don't give them back right away. Then take them to the jeweller to verify the stones. You can let me know where you find them, but take the rings back right away, don't leave the store without them or they will be gone, they are too easy to hide."

"Thanks, I will do that."

"Hey, doc?  Do me a favour and don't go alone, okay?  Some of the pawnshop owners can get a bit defensive, don't put yourself in danger.  Take a big buy with you if at all possible, someone who can handle themselves under pressure?  I wish we could do more but we don't have the manpower to track these things, though if the rings show up we have the particulars on record."

"I know just the guy to take with me, he's not easily intimidated."

"Good, watch your back, and change you alarm code and locks too, if she was staying here I assume she might know these?  You don't want her coming back, not with the young kids in the house."

"I will do the alarm right away and get the locks done as soon as possible."

John saw the police to the door, stopping to change the alarm before he walked back through to his office, picking up his cell phone.

"Luka, hey it's John. What are you up to today?"

* * *

 

Susan drummed her fingers on the desk, looking at her watch for the hundredth time, then staring distractedly into space. The police had put an APB out on Susie, and she was anxiously waiting to hear back from them.

She had managed to pull it together and John had dropped her off at work, telling her she should keep her mind occupied and go through some things with Lexi and he had some meetings to attend to. She had gone through quite a bit with Lexi, who was now sitting across the desk watching Susan fidget and worry.

"Enough Susan. You know, we should get out of here for a bit, go for a walk, get a coffee maybe?" Lexi sighed. "Earth to Susan."

"Um, what?" Susan looked up quickly, realizing Lexi was talking to her.

"Coffee, we should go for a coffee and get out of here. We are not being productive, you are too distracted."

"Oh, right. Sure, let's go, I think you're right, I can't keep my head in the game today. I'm worried about her, even though she ripped me off, I am still worried, I am such a sucker."

"No, you aren't. You love her, she's family, but she has not had it easy and she caved. So, lets get out of here for a while."

* * *

 

John rubbed his hand wearily across his face. He and Luka had been going at this for hours, pawn shop after pawn shop, starting with those closest to their house and branching out.

"Hate to say it, but this feels futile." Luka pulled into yet another parking spot. "They are insured right?"

"Of course they are, you never spend that kind of money on jewelry without insuring it."

"That kind of money? Just how much did you spend on her rings?"

"You do not want to know. Lets just say they are over 6 figures and leave it at that. But it's not the money Luka, she was so...incredibly upset, she made herself sick she was so distraught about it. If I can find her rings, then it will make a huge difference. I know it seems crazy, but she has attached intrinsic value to them, the sentimental side is more important than the actual value of the rings. Does that make sense to you?"

Luka nodded. "Oddly enough it does. I know its a bit different, but Joe lost a favourite stuffed toy not long ago and I tried to replace it. He was having none of it, he was so attached to this ratty little teddy bear, he wanted his bear, not a new one. Same idea, she is attached to her rings, no matter that you could replace them with something just as nice or even nicer, but she wants her rings. Maybe not a fair comparison, a ratty teddy bear to a spectacular diamond engagement ring, but..."

"No, I think that is pretty fair, Luka. I could get an exact replica made for her, down to the engraving, but it will never be the ring I bought her the night I asked her to marry me, even if we had a replay on the private showing, it would never be the same ring. She may grow to love it over time, but some things can't be replaced. It's not a sofa you know? Even the watch she stole from me...my grandmother bought it for me when I graduated Medical School and I can never replace it, not really, so I get why she is so upset."

He sighed, then opened the door. "One more try, I think we are running out of pawn shops."

John knew not long after they entered the store that they'd finally hit pay dirt. He saw the rings and his watch, along with a couple sets of cufflinks. He pointed to the rings first.

"Can I see those?"

"Yes. They came in not long ago, they are a very nice set, I can give you a great deal on them."

The clerk pulled out the rings and John picked them up, peering into the bands, finding the inscriptions. He held them up to the light, seeing the prism of colour, fairly satisfied that they were the right stones, but asking if the pawn shop owner had something to inspect the stone closer. He used the small looking glass finding the jeweller mark he was looking for, then ran his eyes over the wedding band as well.

"Hm, I like that watch too." He pointed to the Rolex, inspecting the engraved band with his monogram in it - JTCIII - sliding it onto his wrist. "I think those came in at the same time?" He indicated the cuffs links, the pawn shop owner was starting to scowl at him. Luka stepped in closer, crossing his arms as the owner pulled out the cufflinks.

"How did you know all these came in at the same time?"

"Maybe because they were stolen from my house? These are my wife's rings, my Rolex and my cufflinks. You know it's an offence to resale stolen good right?"

"I didn't know they were stolen." He objected.

"Uh huh, and a 16 year old girl just happens to carry around a man's Rolex and an engagement and wedding ring."

"Now I'm out $2000. You need to give me that before you can take these out of here."

"You only gave her $2000 for all of this? Are you insane? Whatever, but I am not paying you a dime. I can call the police though if you like and they can help us sort things out? Hmm, where was that detectives card." John started patting down his pockets as if trying to locate a business card.

"Never mind, just take the stuff and go."

"All right then." John had the rings on his pinky finger now, and slipped the cufflinks into his pocket, the watch still on his wrist. He gave the pawnbroker a little wave as they walked out the door.

"Well done." Luka clapped him on the back lightly. "I think I need a drink."

"So do I, but I think we should go pick up the ladies and take them with us. Or we can have them meet us, I would like to give Susan the rings back as soon as possible, she was quite upset about losing them. A quick stop at Tiffany's though, I want them to take a quick look before I give the ring back though I am pretty sure the stone is the original."

Luka nodded, and pulled out of the parking spot smoothly.

After a quick stop at the jewellers, Luka called Lexi, telling her to bring Susan down to the pub for a drink.

* * *

 

"I really just want to go home." Susan sighed in irritation, Lexi had dragged her out of her office, forcing her onto the L to meet Luka for a drink at some little pub downtown. She was still a little nauseous and tired, worried about Susie and sick over the loss of her ring.

"I insist, and more to the point, so does Luka. You said John is in meetings and you called Elise, so one drink, please?" Lexi smiled winningly. "We haven't had a chance to go out since we got back to town, you probably have not eaten all day which is why you are dizzy. Come one, let's get some appies, and a couple drinks."

"Fine, fine, one drink, and I'll try to eat, I don't feel that good though."

"Yeah, because you have not eaten all day, and you are worried." Lexi finally pushed Susan through the door. Susan stopped with a frown, John was sitting with Luka at a booth, sipping a beer.

"Hey, I thought you had meetings today."

"I did."

"Dressed like that? Kind of casual for business meetings."  Susan scanned over him, he was wearing jeans with a casual button down shirt.  He looked good but for meeting he was usually in a suit and tie, he always wore a power suit, especially for Foundation Board meetings where he got the most kickback from the old guard.

"Ah, not for the kind of meetings I had today."

"Okay? Why are you drinking?"

"Just one beer, Susan, I haven't had anything for months, all right? What do you want?"

"Just a soda, I still don't feel good." She slid into the booth, snuggling up to John, putting her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for being so grouchy, John.  I don't know why I feel the need to be such a bitch right now, none of it's your fault."  

Susan felt his arm slide around her, the gentle squeeze letting her know he was not taking any of it personally.

"Hey, don't be. I have something for you, might make you feel better?" John held up his hand, sporting the two rings on his pinky finger.

"My rings! Where did you get those John! Oh wow, you got my rings back!" Susan could feel the tears well up as John picked up her left hand, sliding both rings into their rightful places.

"You have got to be kidding! Where did you find these?"

"I got a little help from Luka and we visited a few pawn shops and found them. She got a whole $2000 for them, which is insane."

"A pawn shop? You bought them back?"

"Not a chance, I told the guy they were stolen and we repossessed them. I cannot believe she pawned them for $2000, that is just stupid. The guy almost cried when we claimed them. I had them inspected too, to make sure they didn't switch the stones, they are perfect, just like when you left the store with them."

Susan wrapped her arms around John and gave him a long and warm kiss.

"You spent the afternoon finding my rings? I love you. I never thought I would see them again."

"Anything for you baby. Luka helped."

"Thank you Luka, this means so much to me, I can't even tell you how much this means, to have my rings back."

"Well, John would not give up, I think we went to almost every shop in the entire city of Chicago. Finally found them about an hour ago. Stubborn and determined this guy, so I forced him to buy me beer, and talked him into one as well."

"One won't hurt, but then you are cut off." Susan stroked his cheek, leaning in for another kiss. "Wow, this is amazing."

Lexi smiled. "Now that you have your rings back, Luka and I have an announcement."

Susan looked at her friend. "What? Are you getting married?"

"Um, not quite yet. Luka is still waiting to finish his divorce. No, I'm...pregnant." Lexi gave Susan a huge grin.

"Oh wow. That is amazing, Lexi! When are you due?"

"Middle of December. So an early Christmas present I guess."

"Luka, congratulations, that is great news." John patted Luka on the arm. "Wow, I thought we were quick on the draw having kids."

"Well, you know, it happens."

"Uh huh, I know all about it."

"Maybe I'll get you to tell Abby for me." Luka whispered as the women were chatting about the baby.

John started to laugh and muttered back. "Oh, no way, you are on your own with that one, I already caught hell for introducing the two of you, no way am I telling her Lexi is knocked up. Uh uh, not a chance. Only piece of advice I can give is try to get her to sign the divorce papers before you tell her you are having a baby with Lexi."

"Wise, very wise. Did you tell Kem afterwards?"

"I didn't tell Kem, we were not on speaking terms when we found out Susan was pregnant. Kim refused to sign, made me go to Paris and then told me she wasn't going to sign the divorce papers. Held off for months. Susan got pregnant in Paris, and the twins were a couple months old by the time I finally got the divorce decree from France."

"How did she find out?"

"Debbie or Angelique I imagine. I sent them pictures, they talked about it and I think Kem overheard them or the gossip. Maybe that's why she finally signed, who knows?"

"Maybe I should just start a rumour then, when it comes time, we can let her overhear the news. I don't want to tell her. I mean how did you tell Abby about Susan?"

"Um, I don't think I did actually. Susan did, Abby came into County when Susan was picking up some papers and they went for coffee. Susan had my wallet in her purse, led to questions, the light dawned I guess that Susan and I were together?"

"I told her we were together." Susan corrected him. "He has never told Abby anything about anyone, I think she found out about Kem when you showed up with her on the day you came back to work, or so I hear since I was sick that day, I was pregnant with Cosmo."

"I think you're right actually, but we had broken up months before that, so what, I was supposed to call her and say oh hey, I know you don't give a shit, but I'm back and I brought my girlfriend with me, and by the way, she's pregnant? Something like that would be much appreciated by Abby I am sure, she probably would have hung up on me or told me to fuck off. Just like Luka should not feel obligated to make a special announcement, they have been apart for quite a long time, and I am not sure he owes her anything."

Susan sighed. "Maybe you should have called her though, given her a heads up."

"Why? She never tried to get in touch with me after I left, that told me not to bother. I don't send notices to exes about my life, Susan, that she happened to work at County was unfortunate, but that's the only reason she even knew I came home, we had to work together. Didn't seem to bother her all that much that I was back, or that I didn't come back alone. Didn't bother her all the much that I left in the first place, or that I didn't come back after sending Luka home, so how about a new topic?"

Luka frowned slightly, knowing that he and John would have to have a talk at some point...or should he just leave it alone? He happened to know that Abby was pretty upset he never came home, but typically being Abby she let him go far too easily. Stupid, the guy she should have married was Carter, but she was too stubborn and set in her Abby ways to tell the guy she loved him and wanted him to come home to her. So he moved on, drowned his sorrows in Debbie, then met Kem, who really was quite the catch, Luka had been a little floored to meet Kem, wondering where she had been hiding when he was in Kisangani, or he would have been trying to get her into bed, no question.

Of course Carter never had a problem getting women into bed, Gillian had even made a pass at him, but things weren't quite done with Abby at that point, or Luka suspected that Carter might have taken her up on the offer. He was glad he didn't though, last thing they needed was another woman between them. He liked having John as a friend, but him sleeping with Gillian would have made things even more awkward, Luka found it kind of weird that they could be friends after Abby and even talk so openly about it.

Lexi was a bit of a miracle to Luka, a well adjusted professional women who seemed to not have the exceptional level of baggage and issues that Abby had. A woman who appreciated him taking her out, opening doors, and the simpler things. No crazy family, no alcoholism, no black cloud over her head, just a happy, normal woman who seemed to care about him as much as he was starting care about her. He could see having a life like Carter was having, a loving woman, a happy family. Maybe in hindsight it was best that Abby had never married Carter, it would have gutted him if she'd cheated on him, like it had gutted Luka.

Abby had hurt John enough and he was sure she would not have wanted the kids like Susan did, she barely wanted Joe, had almost had an abortion. Susan wanted the babies, she was a sunny happy woman, appreciative and loving, adventurous, kind. John was a very lucky man.  Luka sipped his beer and mused that maybe, just maybe his life was turning around too, and he could be as happy with Lexi as John was with Susan.


	39. All I Ever Wanted

"That's Dr. Carter's locker." The accusing voice cut into Susan's reverie as she dug out a $20 from John's wallet. She planned on walking to the diner across the road for tea and a muffin, hoping to relieve the exhaustion plaguing her.

Susan glanced across at the med student who stood with crossed arms, glaring at her.

"I'm aware whose locker it is. I'm Dr. Lewis, Dr. Carter's wife, and we share the locker, so you can relax."

"His wife? Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were working here…but you were taking money out of his wallet."

Susan pushed the locker door closed. "Uh huh, I was, but I'm not robbing him or anything, he doesn't care if I take money. Just filling in a shift for Cate…Dr. Banfield needed extra help so John…Dr. Carter…and I came in to cover shifts. I'll be here once in a while…you are?"

"Oh, I'm Jenny. One of the lowly medical students, trying to catch my breath before Dr. Morris assigns me even more scut work. If I have to take one more urine sample to the lab I'm going to cry."

Susan laughed. "Try not to cry too hard, Jenny, part of being a student, you get all the fun procedures. Like dis-impacting little old ladies, taking samples to the lab, starting IV's. You should have seen the amount of scut work I had to do, or even better, ask Dr. Carter about his first year when he was a student and had Dr. Benton as his supervisor. The poor guy did scut for months before he was allowed to do the cool stuff. Though he was originally surgical, so when he started to do the good stuff, they were seriously interesting procedures."

"He was surgical? Why in the world did he go into Emergency Medicine then? Was it too tough?"

"No, he would have made it, he's talented and incredibly smart, but it didn't suit his personality. Surgeons are a unique breed, maybe he would have been able to change the culture, but he felt the ER was a better match. Anyway, I'm going to grab something to eat, good luck."

Susan managed to get out of the lounge but saw a trauma coming through the door. She sighed heavily, wishing she hadn't stopped to talk, she desperately needed a break. She tucked the money into her pocket, grabbing a gown and some gloves from Haleh, this one looked particularly bloody. "Give me the bullet, Doris."

"Susan! Nice to see you, been a long time." Doris started to spiel off the details for Susan. Sheclistened to the patients chest as they moved to the trauma room. Abby and Morris joined her, along with a hopeful looking Jenny.

"Call for a surgery consult…or get John if he's not busy, he can clear this guy's belly, I think we might have a ruptured spleen."

Morris nodded, leaving Abby with Susan working on the patient. Abby moved to the head and intubated while Susan placed a chest tube, talking to Jenny as she worked, telling her what she was doing and why. It was second nature for Susan to teach while running a trauma, her years at County had taught her well.

John stepped in and checked the belly, running in a lavage, holding it up as it turned pink. "This guy has to go up right away, there's blood in his belly."

The monitors started going crazy, and he stepped up to the patient's side as Haleh handed him the needle without so much as a word from him. She'd been in enough traumas to know he was going to need to drain fluid from around the heart, John attached the clip and inserted the needle carefully.

Susan suddenly felt nauseous and dizzy, and tried a few deep breaths. As she stepped back from the patient, everything went black and she crumpled to the floor.

"Susan?" John froze for a second, taking his own deep breath, knowing he couldn't get distracted. "Abby, I can't stop, check Susan."

He barely got this out of his mouth before both Chuny and Abby were in motion.

"She's breathing, I think she just fainted."

"Take her to an exam room, I'll be there as soon as I can." He withdrew the plunger, Jenny watching wide eyed as the red fluid filled the syringe and the heart beat returned to normal.

John tried to focus, worried about what happened with Susan, but not having the luxury of walking away from the patient on the table. This was the reality of working trauma, sometimes you had to make tough decisions or ignore things you really wanted to pay attention to. He remembered the day Mark yelled down the hallway - 'I ignore my family for in there.' John knew Susan would understand, but he wasn't going to give his whole life to County...he'd already made too many sacrifices, he was glad this was no longer his whole life.

Susan opened her eyes slowly, looking up at the ceiling of the trauma room, recognizing she had an IV in her arm and Chuny was drawing blood.

"She awakes, you gave us a little scare there Dr. Lewis." Chuny gave her a smile. "Feeling better?"

Susan nodded, trying to sit up, feeling a little off. Chuny frowned then held out a small basin as Susan felt her stomach contents rising. Totally embarrassed, she vomited into the basin, Chuny and Abby both watching her. Susan lay back, closing her eyes. "Must be the flu."

Abby called out a string of tests she wanted from the blood and then handed Susan a specimen cup. "You know what to do with this, if you can get up and give us a sample?"

Susan made her way to the bathroom and did the requested fill of the pee cup. Once she returned, Chuny took everything and left for the lab.

"When was your last period Susan?" Abby jotted notes her chart.

"Um." Susan frowned trying to recall when she'd had her last cycle. Early menopause? John had gone in and taken care of things, so…no way could she be pregnant, even if she was late. "I'd have to look at my calendar...um, I can't remember."

Abby raised an eyebrow. "That long? Are you pregnant?"

"No." She shook her head. "Maybe I'm anemic or something. Did you order iron levels?"

"Of course, but I ordered hCG levels and a number of other tests. It's possible right? That you're pregnant?"

"No, it's not, I can't be, uh uh." Susan shook her head again. "No way can I be pregnant, has to something else."

Abby looked at her funny. "So you and Carter never have sex? Haven't since your last period, whenever that may have been? Are you in some sort of denial here Susan? Missed period, nausea, fainting, all pregnancy symptoms,unless there is anything else that you could suggest? Of course we will look for anemia, but your temperature is normal, so I doubt it's the flu."

Susan rolled her eyes. "Of course we have sex, it's just…can I talk to John? I don't want to discuss this with you, it's too weird. I should go see my own doctor."

"Relax, I've already sent everything to the lab on a rush basis. You're married to the guy, we're both doctors, why are you being so cagey about the sex question? You think I don't know you two have sex?" Abby raised an eyebrow. "Carter will be in when he can, he got stuck in another trauma and he had a needle in the guys heart when you fainted or he'd be here now. He's sufficiently worried about you passing out, don't worry, he said go ahead with any tests I though necessary to find the problem. Humour me, I've ordered an hCG level, I've sent them up as a rush."

Susan sighed. "Overruled am I?"

"Yeah, I guess so. He's worried, just go with it." Abby paused, about to leave the room. "Wait. Do you just not want anyone at County to know you're pregnant or is it something else?"

"What?"

"You seem so sure you can't be pregnant, so did one of you take permanent measures? You know, did you get your tubes tied or did he get fixed?"

Susan felt extremely uncomfortable with this line of questioning, but she supposed she didn't have a choice. So damn awkward, talking to John's ex-girlfriend. "Yes, okay? I'm over 40, we decided not to have any more kids. If I'm pregnant, we have a really big problem."

"Oh, I see." Abby narrowed her eyes at Susan. "So Carter…"

"Yes, okay? Can we stop talking about this Abby? It's private, please stop. I don't think everyone at County needs to know, so keep it off the chart okay?"

"Okay, sorry, no need to get so testy. Anyway, it's your chart, not his, so why would I put it on?" Abby left the room, leaving Susan staring at the ceiling.

John had finally finished with the patient and now he needed to find Susan. He saw Abby reviewing a chart, she'd know. "How's she doing?"

Abby jumped slightly, instinctively hiding the chart as Carter came up to her.

"Why so nervous, is Susan okay?"

"Um, yes, I was just looking at her labs." Abby seemed reluctant to give him the chart, but he held his hand out for it.

"What? Something's wrong, I can tell by the look on your face. Give it Abby, now." His voice was firm, allowing no argument.

Abby sighed and held it out to him. Abby might be older than him, but she was a junior doctor, and he was a Senior Attending. She couldn't keep him form seeing the chart, and Susan was his wife.

"Has she seen this yet?" He kept his voice normal, no inflection even though he felt sick.

"No, I just got it back, I was going to go over the results with her."

"Thanks, I'll talk to her. Abby, this is private, please don't share the results with anyone." He walked away without another word, hesitating and taking a deep breath before he stepped into the exam room and shut the door.

John stared at her, looking so relaxed. It fit, now he thought about it, she'd been tired, emotional and of course they'd been having uninterrupted sex, he couldn't remember when her last cycle was, not that he tracked it. He'd scanned Abby's notes, Susan wasn't sure about the date of her last cycle either. He wished the lab had made a mistake, but he was pretty sure it hadn't.

Susan lay with her eyes closed, her mind in turmoil, not sure what the test results would show. She heard the door open then click shut, opening her eyes, seeing John, who didn't look at all happy. He held a chart. Her chart she assumed, and she didn't like the way he stared at her.

"So, you want to know the results, or do you already know?" His face gave nothing away, and his voice was flat and emotionless. No 'how are you feeling', no 'I was worried about you.' Nothing. His silence was a very bad sign.

"What? I don't know John, just say it."

He sat on the stool but stayed a distance from her. "Not quite what I expected, Susan. I don't want to believe it, but…it fits. What I want to know is why…are you unhappy? Never saw it coming, god Susan, how could you? How could you do this to me, to us, to our family?"

She finally heard it, the anger, the hurt, and she could see it in his eyes, he thought the worst of her.

"John, I didn't…"

"Don't, I can't hear this right now. I thought you were different, I trusted you." His voice came out in a whisper, he felt devastated, out of all the people, Susan did this?

He stood, dropped the chart on her bed and walked out, letting the door shut behind him with a bang.

Susan picked up the chart and read the results, already knowing…she was pregnant and John thought she'd cheated. A logical conclusion she supposed, he'd gone for testing afterwards and the doctor had told him it was safe for them to have unprotected sex. Yet here she was, pregnant, but she hadn't been with anyone besides John.

She swiped away the tears then sat up, pulling her IV, putting pressure on to stop the bleeding. She taped her arm, and grabbed her clothes, yanking them on, knowing she needed to talk to him, he was probably going nuts right now, thinking she'd cheated on him.

She was almost dressed when Abby came in.

"Going somewhere?" Abby crossed her arms, leaning back against the door.

"Home, I'm going home. I'm fine."

"You're pregnant, Susan, and anemic, so I suppose you could say you are fine, but how is Carter feeling about it? Wow, you're such a bitch, I can't believe you did that to him."

"It's not what you think Abby, not even close. Get out of my way, move, now."

"Not quite yet. I know I probably have no right to say this, you and everyone else knows about my ill advised drinking binge and the fact that I cheated on Luka, but at least I didn't get pregnant. Luka forgave me, but somehow I don't think you are going to be so lucky, I doubt Carter will forgive you. Too bad you quit your job. Now you're going to have to beg for coins, or are you just going to take him to the cleaners? Get whatever money you can out of him? Make him support you?"

"I didn't Abby, I didn't, that's what I meant when I said we have a problem…I haven't been with anyone else. I love him, and he thinks…exactly what you're thinking. Get out of my way, I need to talk to him, I can't let him think I did that to him. This is his baby, Abby, not someone else's, and he needs to know, now, not later."

Abby studied her face. "I almost believe you. Promise me?"

"This isn't any of your business, why do I need to promise you anything. You of all people, his ex girlfriend? In your dreams. I would appreciate you keeping everything we said to yourself, I don't need the rumours and for his privacy too, please don't repeat anything. Chuny was out of the room, no one else heard, just give me the chance to fix things with John."

"He's still on shift, my bet is the roof, or he is by the river." Abby stepped out of her way, knowing she had no right to keep Susan against her will.

Susan took a couple deep breaths as she went out, not even stopping to visit the lounge. Her bet was the river, the roof was never quite private enough, just when you thought you were alone, you weren't. He wasn't going to chance having to make small talk, and he wouldn't have gone too far, they were both still on shift for a few more hours. If they paged him he'd need to be back in less than 5 minutes.

She walked quickly, finally seeing her destination. She sighed in relief, he was there. She slowly sank onto the bench beside him.

"Please go away, I can't talk to you right now. I have to go back to work, I don't want to hear it." He didn't even look at her, but started to get up off the bench.

Susan reached out and grasped his arm, stalling him as she let the words pour out of her mouth in a jumble. "I didn't, what you're thinking, it's not true, this is _your_ baby, John. I would never do that to you, I love you, so much, I couldn't do that. I think you need to go see your doctor because I haven't been with anyone else, I promise you, I swear it." Susan felt breathless, hoping he would look at her, see the truth.

" _What_?" His head came up, and he finally looked at her, halting his exit.

"I haven't been with anyone else, John, after having Chuck do that to me, and knowing Kem did that to you? I didn't and I wouldn't. I couldn't, I love you, please believe me, I'd never cheat on you. You and I both know that sometimes the procedure fails."

"I got _tested_ Susan, you know that, because I know that it can fail, and we didn't want _this_ to happen…we agreed we were done. This baby _cannot_ be mine."

"Yeah it can, and this baby _is_ yours. Labs make mistakes too John. Something went wrong somewhere, because I'm pregnant and if I'm pregnant then you're responsible for me being in this condition, so you need to talk to your doctor, or get retested. Please, go get retested, you'll see, this baby is yours, in fact it's physically impossible for it not to be yours. I love you, I'm so happy with you, I'd never do anything to mess it up."

His eyes bored into her, daring her to lie to him, but she could tell he desperately wanted to believe her. He didn't want for this to be over, for their marriage to end like this...and no question if he believed she'd been unfaithful, their marriage would be nothing but a pile of rubble. He'd never forgive her for the betrayal, she was certain he'd leave her, there would be no second chance, no way to make things right. Just as she would never forgive him if he cheated on her. She'd gone through it already with Chuck.

"You're serious."

"Of course I'm serious John, I'm in as much shock as you about this, we were supposed to be free and clear, you know? The twins are barely 6 months old and I'm pregnant? We did everything right, yet here I am, knocked up. Look at it logically, how often do we have sex? How would I even have the time or energy to see anyone else, between work and the kids? We are together…a lot, I mean how many married couples with kids have as much sex as we do? In reality, how many _couples_  period, have sex as much as we do with or without kids?"

"Well, without doing a survey I couldn't say. But you have me there, if the procedure didn't work, then I'm not surprised, in fact I'd be more surprised if you weren't pregnant. What are we going to do?"

"First of all you are getting retested so you can be sure, so you can see I'm not lying to you. Then I guess we're having another baby? What else can we do? I couldn't terminate John, I don't think I could bring myself to do it unless it was medically necessary." Susan shrugged. "You know I really wanted Chloe to have an abortion when I found out she was pregnant? After Susie was born, I was actually relieved that my sister never listened to anything I had to say, she was precious, even though she's a troubled teen."

John inhaled deeply, studying Susan closely. Her gaze was direct, and he suddenly knew that she wasn't lying, he really did need to get retested, for his own peace of mind. But he was pretty sure that she wouldn't deceive him about something so important, after all, if he suspected the child wasn't his, after the baby was born he could do DNA testing at anytime, it was quick and painless for both him and the child. He had known Susan a long time, he was sure she'd confess if she'd been caught like this and the child wasn't his.

"I'm sorry." He reached out and took her hand in his, idly spinning her eternity band.

"For what? Knocking me up?" Susan gave a small smile, hoping that he was coming around, that he'd do as she requested.

"Assuming that you'd cheated…and knocking you up." He gave her small return smile, relief running through him, maybe things would to be okay.

"You came to a conclusion based on the evidence…I mean your doctor told you the procedure was successful, you had no reason to believe this was your child, but we both know labs make errors, John. This child is yours, I know it for a fact.  I have not been with another man since before we were together the first time, and I don't want to be."

"I'm sorry for doubting you. For walking out before we talked, I just, I was in shock, but still, I'm sorry, I should have known better."

"You're listening now, we're talking now, not like you refused to listen to me, and I guess I might feel the same way in your shoes. I still want you to go get retested, and I am willing to do DNA testing after the baby is born too. I never want you to doubt this baby is yours, this is our child. Hey, I was in denial too, I kept insisting to Abby that there was no way I could be pregnant...so she kind of figured it out, can't keep any secrets can we?"

"Wonderful, so Abby knows? Great, first dealing with Wendall about Devon, now Abby with this, how long before all of County knows?"

"What, about me being pregnant? Not long I suppose, since Chuny was the nurse, but Abby was the only one in the room for the rest and I asked her to keep it private. You know her better than I do, can she keep her mouth shut?"

"She might about this, I'll talk to her."

"I don't think you need to, I think she gets how sensitive and private this is. So, retesting? DNA testing, what do you want?"

John sighed. "No, I think retesting is enough, mostly because I am going to have to go back in and get it done again, we can't run the risk right? I mean if it happened once, it could happen again and each time it gets riskier for you. Honestly, if they were wrong and it didn't take, then why would we need DNA testing…you're right, it would be totally possible, we've been having unprotected sex for months."

"Nope, my turn, after the baby is born, I'll take care of it, every time you have something done you run the risk of infection and they can do it pretty easily now with women too. So how do you feel about being a daddy again."

"A little in shock, a little worried actually. You had a rough time last pregnancy and it's only been 7 months…how far along are you anyway?"

"I would have to check my calendar, but 7 or 8 weeks probably, I mean, I have been feeling off for a couple weeks at least, but I thought it was stress or something, no way did I think I was pregnant. Do you want to do an ultrasound when we go back? If it's quiet we can sneak into a room and take a look at junior."

"Junior. So you've decided we're having another boy?"

"Maybe, odds are yes, I mean, you seem to lean towards boys, so…I am thinking junior."

John slid his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in, resting a hand on her still flat stomach, rubbing gently. "How do you feel about being a mommy again? About being pregnant?"

"Hm, ask me in a few months when I look like a baby beluga or when I go into labor, about then I'll probably be swearing at you. But hey, we can manage it…we can certainly afford it, though we might need to add onto the house, I think we need a couple more bedrooms."

"Or we might need to look at something bigger? As much as I hate to say it, I almost wish I had kept my grandmothers house. But Northwestern is putting it to good use, so…we'll buy something, or add on if we can get permits. I'm not so sure the neighbours will like it all that much though, so don't count on it."

"I love the house though, I don't want to sell it."

"So we keep it for now, but in reality, if you have this baby, we're going to need a bigger house. If it's a girl we need more bathrooms."

"There is no if, John. We're having a baby, and you may be right about the bathrooms. You think we're having a girl?"

"Who knows? You're right though, 3 out 4 have been boys, but we'll find out in a few months. I love you, you know that right? I'm going to have to make it up to you."

"I know baby. It's okay, you have nothing to make up, you have been the best husband on the planet, and we have talked it through, if that is the worst fight we have, then we're lucky."

"Uh, yeah, one that could have ended our marriage, somehow I don't think either of us has any tolerance for cheating, it's a deal breaker Susan, I love you, but it is the one thing I'd have a very hard time forgiving. After Kem? I don't think I could deal with it, the bridge was looking pretty good a few minutes ago."

"Don't even joke about it, John, please don't, not even remotely funny."

John's beeper started buzzing.

"Duty calls." He stood, bringing her up with him, wrapping his arms around her and bringing her in for a quick kiss. "Coming back?"

"Yes, I'm still on shift."

"Light medical only, and you need to up your iron, you're anemic."

"Yes doctor. I'll get something to eat, then be back, and I'll get some prenatal vitamins and start on them right away."

"See that you do, you have to take extra good care of yourself, mommy."

Abby watched as Carter came back in with the gurney, he had met the ambulance pulling into the bay. He snagged Haleh's stethoscope and was listening to the patients breathing and heart as the paramedic shot stats at him.

"Thanks, we've got it from here. On my count, 1,2,3." They moved the patient efficiently onto the trauma room gurney and the paramedics took their equipment and cleared the room.

Abby came in and jumped in, noting he seemed to be back on his game, he'd had some time to digest the test results, and Susan had gone out the door after him, though she did not come back with him.

"Abby. Abby!" John's voice shook her out of her thoughts. "You want to get the guy an airway before he expires on us?"

He was busy cracking the guys chest, knowing there was a bleed somewhere, they had to patch it quick.

"Jenny is it? Come in here where you can see this." John ran a quick bit of O silk through, lifting gently and spotting the hole. "Haleh?" She handed him the necessary suture material, and he ran a few quick one handed stitches while Jenny held the heart on it's bit of silk. John finished quickly and efficiently, taking the internal paddles.

"Charge to 10. Clear!" He shocked the heart and waited for a moment, hearing the telltale beeping of the monitor. "And he's back. Okay boys and girls, lets get this guy up to surgery."

Dubenko charged in just as Haleh grabbed the drug box.

"What do we have?"

John ran it down quickly, and the patient was whisked away.

Jenny was wide eyed. "That was so cool, I got to hold the heart."

"Yeah, well, if you stay in the ER, it won't be the last time, trust me. If you are free, come back for the next trauma, we will have you intubating in no time."

"Really? You can teach me?"

"Sure. This is a teaching hospital Jenny, it is what we do."

Abby smiled. "He taught me to intubate, he was a resident when I was a student, and he taught me a lot of procedures. Take advantage of the offer, he even taught Dr. Morris to be a doctor, and that was a major coup."

"Ha ha." Morris overheard the comment. "But I have to admit, he was a great teacher. What was your secret, Dr. Carter?"

"No secret, I had exceptionally great teachers, Peter, Mark, Susan, Hicks, Keaton, Anspaugh, I worked with some of the best."

"Chen." The light feminine voice cut into the conversation.

"Ah right, except you were a resident, not my teacher, Deb. Though I have to admit, you were pretty good." He turned and gave the pretty Asian doctor a big hug. "You are gracing us with your presence, what's the occasion?"

"Just thought I would stop by and see if you had time for coffee."

"I wish I did, but I'm done in about...two hours? Can we go then? Or you could come by the house for dinner, Elise is making something fabulous I am sure."

"Elise?"

"Susan's here too, we are covering off, a bit short staffed. We would love if you joined us, unless you have a hot date. A Harry Potter marathon or something?" He gave her a wink.

"Oh, stop it. Or I will tell the Keaton story."

"Yeah, yeah, fine. So, coffee or dinner?"

"Dinner. I'll phone and make sure you escaped the vortex on time."

"Deal."

John made sure things were flowing up at admit, then took his phone into the lounge, making sure there as no one around. He dialled his doctors office, asking to be put through to the nurse on staff that knew him well, as the doctor was in with a patient.

"Candice, John Carter, I need you to do me a favour and pull out my file."

"Sure, what are you looking for?"

"Can you see which lab did my testing?"

"Okay. You mean after your last procedure? Sure, give me a minute. Is there a problem?"

"You could say that...can you just give me the information?"

"Oh...oh my."

"What?"

"I don't see your results in here, did you get testing done...oh dear."

"You are not making me feel good here Candice, what's the matter?"

"The test in here, it's the right type of test, but the name on the top of the results is another patient, the patient numbers are similar and looks like a misfiling. Just a second, I am going to pull the other chart and see if your results are in there."  John held, hearing the rustling of paper as Candice dug through the files. "Hmm, yes, that is the issue, here are your lab results and...um...Dr. Carter? What exactly is the problem?"

"What are the results Candice?"

"There was still a really high sperm count in your sample, so...you should have been recalled to retest. Looks like this patient retested but you did not."

"Okay, well that answers that question. I guess I need to come in and retest."

"I would if I were you. Otherwise if you are not using other birth control, there is a pretty good chance of pregnancy occurring."

"Uh yeah, well too late. That is why I am calling, my wife just had a positive test, and it caused a bit of concern in our household. Whoever misfiled that should be fired, they could be causing divorces all over Chicago. Not to mention unplanned children. There is a reason why men have this done after all."

"I will mention it to the doctor and I am sure we will be reviewing the other charts. I think we had some temps in to cover holidays. I am very sorry, expect a call back, and we can get you in tomorrow if you like for an appointment? We will get a new sample and discuss options."

"What time can you get me in?"

"11 am okay?"

"Sure."

He hung up the phone and sat heavily on the couch, glad that he had taken the time to listen and talk to Susan, that she had been so good about his minor meltdown. She came in with a cup and a bag as he was staring at his phone, deep in thought.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"I suppose. I called the doctors office and had them pull my chart. Seems they had a filing mix up with another patient with a similar patient number. Some temp service was doing the filing or so they say."

"They gave you the wrong test results?"

"Yup, my sample had high sperm counts still, so they should have called me in for retesting, but they called the other guy instead and my results were in his file. His was clear, but in my file. So...I have an appointment to yell at them at 11 am tomorrow."

Susan came over and slid down to straddle his knees. "I'm sorry. I know we didn't plan this but... can we try to be a little bit happy? We're having a baby, this is our baby, and we will love them no matter what, won't we?"

"Of course we will, Susan. It's just been a stressful day, it could have ruined our marriage Susan, what if we'd said things, or done things or...I can't even think about how badly this could have ended up."

Susan frowned, thinking about that for a moment, she supposed she was glad Harper was on another continent, last time he had someone cheat on him he ended up in bed with Harper.

"You're right, but I think we love each other too much, it was inevitable we would talk about it, and I am thankful you gave me the chance to explain, to talk to you. I love you, I would not have let you walk away that easily, John."

"Well you're the first. I couldn't stand the thought, Susan, you have such power over me, and...if you ever did that I don't know if I would survive it. I probably should not admit it, but it scares me, how much I love you, how much it hurt to think you had been with someone else. Please don't ever do that to me."

"Oh baby, I love you too, if it makes you feel any better you have that power over me as well. But I trust you, I trust you with my heart, my soul, with everything, and I need you to trust me back. The hardest thing was to watch you walk out that door thinking I betrayed you, and I just never could. We have something so special, something I hope lasts forever, that you will be part of my life always, that we can watch our family grow up and be happy too." She rested a hand on her belly. "This baby is part of both of us, I hope you can love him or her, I want to have this baby."

John put his hand over hers on her belly.

"This is surreal, we're having another baby. I never thought I would be doing this again, but...I will love this baby, you know that, right? I'm so sorry for today, for not considering the alternatives before I flipped out on you. I'm so, so sorry. I was so wrong."

"It's okay, John." Susan wrapped her arms around him, kissing him deeply. "We are going to get through it, and I love you. I will always love you."

Abby tracked him down in the lounge getting a cup of coffee. She noted that Susan was back and seeing patients, though she was not going into the trauma room, she was taking it easy and seemed better after some tea and something to eat.

"You okay?" Abby poured herself a cup of coffee, watching him closely.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?" He sipped the dark brew and made a face, dumping the rest down the sink. "That stuff is lethal, should have a health warning on it."

"You used to drink it, no problem."

"Yeah, well now I watch how much coffee I drink, so when I have a cup it better be good or I don't drink it. I actually sleep at night, I don't have 5 crazy ass shifts a week. Paid my dues, don't need to force my eyelids open with toothpicks or drink horrible coffee to keep myself sane."

"Uh huh. Seems like Susan feels the same, I heard she quit her job and is just volunteering when the mood strikes her. Nice deal if you can get it. So did she decide that?"

"It was a mutual decision. She doesn't need to work, we have young kids, why run on empty, long shifts and sleepless nights when you don't have to. She's paid her dues as well, and you know we can afford for her to be home, so why the hell not?"

"So, I guess I should congratulate you?" She took another sip of her coffee. "Wow this really is foul, thanks for pointing it out."

"Congratulate me?" He raised an eyebrow. "On having better taste in coffee? Having my wife not work?"

"On the baby, you know? Finding out your wife is pregnant, that makes for a big day."

"Wondering when you were going to get to that. Thanks, a bit of a surprise, well, more than a surprise, but I guess you got that part, but um, yeah, should be interesting."

"You seem okay with things, are you and Susan okay?"

"We're fine Abby, it's fine, okay? You don't need to worry, we talked, its all good."

"I got the impression it wasn't good...you can talk to me, I don't bite."

"Aside from being a shock? It is all good, I'm not covering or anything, we really did talk, it's not what you seem to think, it will work out."

Jerry peeked into the lounge. "Dr. Carter, there is an envelope for you, they want you to sign personally?"

"Oh, thanks Jerry." He pushed off the counter and went out to admit, taking the registered envelope, slitting it open and peeking in with a smile.

Susan wandered up. "Why are you smiling."

"Um, come with me." He took her hand and pulled her into the lounge. Abby was sitting at the table flipping through a magazine but otherwise it was empty. "I got your settlement, and mine from that investment?"

"You sold them? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I had to do it fast, they went up to 5, and I figured it was time to pull the plug. Good thing too, they are volatile, and they have fallen a bit. Might come back, but still, you did really well."

"Went up to 5 what?" Susan sipped some water as he pulled out a paper with a cheque attached.

"$5 per share." He handed her the papers and she almost spit the water across the room, coughing slightly as she looked at the attached cheque.

"Are you kidding me? Is this mine or yours?"

"Yours...note the name on the cheque is Susan Lewis. This is mine." He handed her another paper.

"Holy crap...is that...right? How much did you put in?"

"10."

"10. Not the same kind of 10 as I did obviously."

"Um, no, my 10 was a little larger than your 10. Which is why my return is a bit larger than yours."

Abby was frowning a bit, they were talking in code, and she was curious.

"So I see. What are you going to do with that?" Susan was staring at the number of zeros on the cheque, reading the printed script. "I didn't know they wrote them that big."

"Well, you know that...item I was talking about purchasing, the new...transportation? I have a brochure for you to look at." He popped open his locker, taking the two papers out of her hand, and putting them back into he envelope before pulling out another booklet and shutting his locker securely.

"What colours do they come in?" Susan joked.

"White, white, white or...you guessed it, white, with a bit of blue trim, and the tail letters are blue too I think. But you can decorate the interior, they are sending some fabric samples from the factory, we have to pick the seat configuration and whether we want a crew compartment. There are about 10 layouts, but I like...this one, those convert for sleeping."

"So this is the model comparison, and these are all the layouts, and these are the colour schemes?"

"Right. So, will you get upset if I buy one?"

"Do I get to ride in it too?"

"Of course."

"Then nope, I won't be in the least bit bothered. The Hawaii trip was pretty great, you don't have to talk me into it, if you are buying it with some of those returns, then count me in."

"Good, because I already ordered one, you get to help do the interior though."

"Seriously? You ordered one? When?"

"Um, a couple months ago? When I started working out how much traveling I was going to have to do? Surprise?" He gave her a hopeful smile.

"So which one did you order?"

"The 650, we need the seating and sleep capacity. You'll love it, I promise." He gave her a kiss and rested his hand briefly on her belly, still getting used to the idea that they were having another baby.

They walked back out of the lounge and up to admit. John went to supervise some students while Susan flipped through the brochure. Abby came out and watched her curiously.

"Buying a new car? What kind of weird car company only makes them in white with blue trim? That is so bizarre." Abby flipped through, picking up a couple charts.

Susan started to laugh. "He's not talking about a car, Abby."

"What is he buying that would only come in white...an RV? You guys taking up camping now that you have kids?"

Jerry perked up. "I cannot see Dr. Carter driving an RV. You guys are buying an RV?"

"Um, no, not an RV. John is not into camping as far as I know."

"Right, I bet he only stays at the Ritz."

"I prefer the Langham actually, it's nicer than the Ritz. I will have you know I have been camping and the camps in Africa were not exactly high on the luxury scale either. I am not that high maintenance, I thought you knew me better after all these years." John appeared, erasing a name off the board, and pulling out a couple more charts, assigning them to Jenny. "Work these up, come up with a plan, and come back to me for approval before you start treating the patient, I want to examine them first myself."

Jerry looked over at Susan. "What is he buying? White with blue trim? Not an RV? A motorcycle...wait! A boat!"

John gave Jerry a look. "I already own a boat."

Susan tilted her head. "You own a boat? Seriously? Why have I never seen it?"

"It's dry docked right now, its a sailboat actually, I just haven't had time to take it out."

"Where is it dry docked?"

"Near Boston. One day we will have to take it out, head down to the Caribbean, but you might have to learn to sail first, or maybe we'll just hire a crew."

"You know how to sail it?"

"Yes, but it is kind of a big boat for one to handle, it kind of needs a crew, especially if we sail from Boston to say the Bahamas or the Virgin Islands? I've done it before, but with experienced sailors. Haven't sailed for quite some time, not too many boats in the desert. Maybe in the fall I'll get out on the water, take Cosmo, he did that camp."

"Not open ocean."

"No, here on the lake, he's not big enough to crew the one in Boston."

Jerry was still growing. "So not a car, not a boat, not an RV, only comes in white? What's left? A jet?"

Carter didn't answer, he simply picked up another chart and walked off.

"He's buying an airplane?" Jerry was staring at Susan. "Is he seriously buying a plane?"

"A Gulfstream. They only come in white apparently."

Carter came back a few minutes later to pick up another chart and noted the information on the board.

"You're buying a jet?" Jerry got a big grin on his face. "Can I go for a ride when you get it?"

"A ride on what?" Abby came back up to the desk and updated the board. "Hey, can you take a look at this guy Carter?"

"Why? What's wrong with him?"

"If I knew that, I wouldn't have to ask you to see him. He has a weird rash."

"Um, then no, ask Morris, I don't do weird rashes.  If you can't identify it, then I am not going near it, the patient could be infectious."

"What a prima donna. Come on Carter, it's just a rash."

"Uh huh, and I told you to ask Morris. I'll take that." He pointed at the trauma rolling in the door.

Abby sighed in frustration. "Susan? Weird rash? Going once? Going twice."

Susan shook her head. "John said Morris, I don't take potentially infectious patients." She tucked the brochure under the counter. "Pelvic pain, I'll take this one."

"Morris, can you look at this rash? Carter said no, and so did Lewis. I thought there was no cherry picking."

"Sure. By the way, Carter doesn't take potentially highly infectious patients, he covers trauma for us and minor medicals, but never infectious patients, don't even ask him."

"Banfield lets him get away with that?" Abby followed Morris down the hall.

"It's in his contract. He doesn't take them, just get used to it."

"Ha, funny, in his contract. What contract?"

"He works here as a volunteer Abby, they don't pay him, and he doesn't take infectious patients if he can avoid them, I'm not kidding, just go with it. Lewis doesn't take highly infectious patients either if she can avoid them, so don't get after her either. If it's unavoidable the patient needs to be masked first."

Abby was giving Morris a funny look. "Why?"

"If you don't know why I'm not telling you. His decision, not mine, you can complain to Banfield if you wish, but it won't get you anywhere. Carter can walk anytime he wants, not like he needs the money, he's buying a Gulfstream for Pete's sake, like he needs to work? Repeat after me. He. Is. A. VOLUNTEER. As is Lewis. Look up the meaning, if they want to cherry pick or take all the traumas, then fine, but no infectious patients. Got it?"

"Wow, sass from Archie Morris. What do you mean he's buying a plane?"

"Yeah, he has to do a lot of travelling, something about cheaper than flying first class, I mean he has to buy anywhere from two to seven tickets each way, eight if they take the nanny, that's like 16 first class tickets per trip. I think I would buy my own plane too, it would cost him a couple hundred thousand per trip just in plane tickets, I bet the jet fuel doesn't cost that and they have tarmac service. They usually charter a jet, they did to go to Hawaii, no waiting in security, no flight delays, no waiting in long customs lines...load up, take off and you are there in a fraction of the time. Way more comfortable apparently, you can wander around, get snacks or drinks, or even bring aboard full meals, there is a galley kitchen, the whole deal."

"Man then it will be like 9 tickets or 18 per trip, wow. Why so much travelling though?"

"See his son in Germany he gets him like 6 months out of the year, if he brings him back to Chicago he has to fly out and get him, then bring him back to Chicago then take him back to Germany then he has to fly back to Chicago again. Harper can't get that kind of time off, and I doubt she can afford the tickets back and forth, though Carter would pay for it I'm sure, if she came back to see her parents in Boston. But she can't just up and leave the base all the time. That's a lot of flying, and if he takes Dr. Lewis, and their kids and the nanny, well, it adds up I suppose. I think they were planning to spend the summer in Europe."

"When did you and Carter become buddies, how do you know all this?"

"We've been friends since he came back from Africa. We worked together quite a bit for a while, and we talk. He gave me a private tour of the Centre before it opened, we chat here at work, we're work colleagues. I don't hang out with him at his house or anything but we talk. He's a great guy, you should know that, didn't you date him? Or maybe that's why you don't think he's a great guy, bad break up or something?"

"No, he's pretty great, Morris, we just aren't close anymore."

"So...what do you mean it will be like 9 tickets? I only count 8 with Devon and Cosmo...who is the 9th one?"

"Oh, um, I must have miss counted. Right, 8 tickets." Abby back-pedalled, she didn't think Susan or John were ready to announce the new baby yet. Abby was not entirely sure how far along Susan was, or if she was having the baby, or if Carter was even the father of the baby.


	40. Lean On Me

Susan woke up to a roiling stomach, disengaging herself from John’s arms and bolting for the bathroom. She hated morning sickness so much, and even worse, it seemed to strike her at the oddest time of the days, no rhyme or reason at all.

She hung over the porcelain, feeling wretched, wondering why she was doing this to herself again…oh right, of course, she didn’t plan this, it just happened, a twist of fate.  Though she supposed that in the big picture, she had a choice, she just could not do it, she could not get rid of this child.  This little piece of her and little piece of John that had combined to make a new life.

She had been looking forward to completely spontaneous sex with her husband for the rest of her life, and here she was, pregnant again.  She sighed, after this there would be no more, no matter what, and she supposed she could have the spontaneous sex, she couldn't get any more knocked up than she already was.

“You okay?” John had felt her bolt from the bed and heard the telltale sounds coming from the bathroom, he knew she was suffering from a very bad case of morning sickness.

“Do I look okay?” She snapped at him. Bastard, he didn’t have to puke up his guts three times a day, get fat, and then go through giving birth again. She felt resentful, he got the fun part, and she got the consequences.

“Sorry, stupid question. Can I get you anything?” He wet a facecloth for her with warm water so she could wipe her face, then rubbed her back lightly. “Water? Can I make you some tea or some toast or something?”

John thought this was like walking on eggshells, Susan insisted she was happy and wanted to have the baby, but the damn hormones made her moods go up and down, and he could never tell what sort of comeback he was going to get. Still, he tried, he knew she was not intentionally being bitchy, it seemed out of her control at the moment.

Last time was a bit different, the news they were having a baby was exciting, they had planned it, and there wasn’t the drama they had experienced this round. He was sure once the shock wore off and Susan got over the initial three months and the morning sickness eased up things would settle down, but right now it was a roller coaster.

“No. Don’t mention food.” Susan felt another wave of nausea, lifting herself enough to hit the toilet bowl, heaving endlessly, or so it seemed to her.

John held back her hair, rubbing her back, knowing there was nothing else he could do for her. Finally she seemed to be done, she collapsed in an exhausted little heap on the floor, shaking from the slight chill of the crisp morning air.

John scooped her up, letting her rest her head against his chest, taking her back to bed and tucking her in, fluffing up her pillow.

“Go back to sleep baby. I’ll take care of the kids, you need some extra sleep.” He brought her a garbage can and put it by the bed. “Don’t get up again if you don’t need to okay?”

She sighed softly, snuggling back down under the covers, already sorry she had snapped at him, this after all was not his fault. She wanted this baby, she did, she just hated feeling sick all the time and it made her a bit moody.

John left the room quietly, checking in on the kids on the way by. The twins were both still sleeping, but Ava was awake and talking to her stuffed bear.

“Good morning babydoll.”

“Daddy. Up!” She reached out her arms as John picked her out of the crib.

“You are going to need a bed soon, maybe mommy and I will have to get you one, and your new brother or sister can have your crib. Wow, you are going to have another little brother or little sister, talk about a full house.”

“John?”

He turned, Cosmo had come quietly into the room behind him.

“Hey, you’re awake. It’s early, why are you up?”

“I heard mommy puking. Is mommy sick? Or is she having another baby…she puked a lot before she had Maya and Ben too.”

“We were going to tell you together, but it seems you figured it out on your own. Yes, mommy has morning sickness, which often happens when a women is pregnant. You get to have another brother or sister.”

Cosmo thought about that for a second. “Cool. Or maybe I can have another brother and sister, or maybe two more brothers or two more sisters.”

“Whoa, slow down there buddy. Don’t let your mother hear you say that, and there is only a small chance of another set of twins. For now lets just assume you are only getting one new little brother or sister.”  The mood Susan was in this morning, John feared for his life if she even heard whisper that it might be twins again.

“So when are they coming?”

“In about seven months, so it will be a while.”

“Oh, mommy has to let the baby grow, right? How big is the baby?”

“Right now? Probably about the size of a jelly bean, only about this big.” John indicated with his hand. “Pretty tiny.”

“A jelly bean?” Cosmo giggled at the image.

“Hey lets go have some breakfast. What do you want to eat?”

* * *

 

Hours later Susan dragged herself from the warm bed and into a soothing shower, feeling a lot better. She knew she had a half shift at County today, one of the last ones before they flew to Europe for the summer. The thought of traveling right now was not so exciting, but John had chartered a plane so she could just sleep if she wanted. She was kind of happy at the thought that by the end of the summer they would be taking delivery of the jet…it was like an alternate reality, her husband had bought them a fancy private plane, but once he sat down and went over the numbers, she agreed it made total sense.

She'd had a bit of fun with it too, picking the fabrics, the seat layout and colours, but it was done pretty quickly, after all it was a limited space.  All the choices were elegant and soothing, being calm was good on long flights.  She was amazed though, there were a lot of amenities considering it transportation, not a house.  

The cost of first class tickets, trying to get the required number for each flight, wrangling the kids through the airport and keeping them happy while managing security and the inevitable delays…and now with the expected arrived of another baby in a few months and even the added discomfort of flying while pregnant - he didn’t have to make much more of a case to her to make the investment.

With this baby it meant 5 very young children, and Cosmo, who was still pretty young, just coming up on 8 years old.

Besides, John had the money, he had made an incredibly risky investment a few months ago and enticed her to put in $10,000 of her own money, and apparently he put in $10 million, though she did not know it at the time. After the dust settled and he sold the investment she had made an obscene amount of money, and he had made close to a billion dollars for himself as well as a tidy sum for the Carter Centre on the same investment.  That part blew her mind almost, it didn't seem real, she was married to a billionaire who was just barely 40 years old...she still could not fathom it or how much her life had changed, it had happened so subtly in such a short time.

How he knew what to invest in or had the balls to put that much money in and literally clean up like he did, she would never quite understand. All she knew is that he promised it was totally legal, he had not taken any illegal insider tips or anything, it was just a very lucky strike that exceeded his expectations on returns.

Lucky. She snorted slightly at the understatement. She had invested $10,000 and got an insane return of almost $100 million…on a penny stock that shot through the roof…by penny stock standards anyways, going from pennies to $5 per share over a short few months as some tech discovery hit the market.  She was a millionaire, now a very wealthy woman in her own right, all because he gave her a stock tip.

He had sold, let the stock drop a bit, then purchased more, though making a much smaller investment this time, and she had kept her money out of it, thinking she had enough to last her several lifetimes.  To him it seemed a bit of a game.

Strange but true, that cute, young, sweet, almost insecure medical student who walked through the door of County so many years ago was now almost unrecognizable. He had turned into a confident, strong willed doctor, a business leader, and an astute businessman and investor who seemed to be able to wave a magic wand and make money appear from nowhere. That he’d had $10 million to play with in the stock market was even unreal, but he certainly did. The even crazier part was he had never had any real interest in any of it, but his net worth at this point far exceeded anything his grandparents had managed to accumulate, and his wealth was growing at an astronomical rate on a daily basis, just because he had it invested wisely and was earning all sorts of dividends and interest.

She wondered what Abby would say now, if she had the chance for a redo if she might realize how stupid she was to turn him down…not even turn him down really, just push him away because of her own inability to be happy. Well, Abby’s loss and her gain, she had a life she could never have dreamed up in a million years, with a man she loved more than she ever thought possible.  The luxury was nice, she could not deny it, but if he lost every penny tomorrow, she would still love him, still want to be with him, be his wife, the mother of his children. She smiled as she touched her flat stomach, thinking about the baby she was carrying. It shook her out of her thoughts, her tummy growling, she was ready for something to eat, finally.

She padded into the kitchen, Elise was making cookies with Cosmo.

“Good morning.” Susan felt oddly cheerful and refreshed.

"Good afternoon.” Elise smiled at her. “I made some soup for lunch, there is some left if you are interested.”

“What time is it?” Susan glanced at the clock. “Oh my, is that the time? I am supposed to be at work, they are going to be a little upset I didn’t show up. I better call in and get dressed.”

“Oh, John left a while ago, he said not to wake you, he was going to an appointment and he arranged to cover your shift. Said you weren’t feeling all that well this morning. The other three are down for afternoon naps, I just put them down about half an hour ago?”

“John said the new baby is about the size of a jelly bean. Isn’t that weird? You have a jelly bean in your tummy.” Cosmo said this innocently.

“Um…he told you?” Susan was a little surprised as they had agreed to wait and tell him in a couple weeks, together.

“I heard you barfing, mommy, like when you were going to have Maya and Ben and I asked John if you were going to have more babies. I hope I get another brother and a sister too.”

“I think we are just having one baby this time, sorry.” Susan crossed her fingers that she was right.

“Did you take a picture of the baby in your tummy? Can I see it?”

“Not yet, the baby is too small.”

“Then maybe you will have twins again, that would be so cool.” Cosmo’s eyes lit up. “Two brothers, or two sisters.”

Susan sighed, seeing the big smile on Elise’s face.

“Congratulations, that’s exciting, another baby.”

“It will be once the morning sickness passes. Thanks Elise, I guess you have some job security as long as we don’t scare you off. Ava will barely be two and the twins not even 18 months when this one is born. When we have Dev that makes 5 kids under the age of 3…or I guess Dev will just be 3 by then. Are you going to quit on us?”

“Susan, I love working for you and John. You are both around a lot more now with you leaving work, and I love the babies. I promise if I ever have to leave I will give you lots of notice, okay? And I am in for this summer, John asked if I would come with you to Europe and help with the babies, and now that I find out you’re pregnant again, I see why you would want me there. I and excited to come with you.”

“I am so relieved. You know we just found out recently, and I am sorry for not telling you yet, it’s just early, you know? I’m only about 8 weeks.”

“Oh nonsense, it’s a private thing right? I know its early and you would have said soon, so don’t worry about it. 8 weeks, you are just adjusting to the news yourself I am sure.”

Susan ate some soup then dressed, intending to go into County to see John. She knew he had been into the doctors office this morning and she wanted to hear what they had to say. He had accepted the fact that there had been a lab error and she had not been unfaithful, so the rest would just work itself out.

She filled a travel cup with hot fresh coffee and secured the lid, knowing John would appreciate the good stuff. He limited his coffee intake now and refused to drink Roach Coach coffee and he never ate there either…Susan remembered the food poisoning cases that came in more than once from that stand, and John would not risk it.

* * *

 

Carter rubbed the name off the board, whistling slightly.

“You sure are in a good mood today.” Chuny gave Abby a sideways glance, then looked back at Carter.

“Am I? I guess I am just looking forward to the summer vacation coming up.”

“Oh, I thought maybe it was that you had some good news yesterday. Congratulations, you both must be excited.”

Carter looked at Abby with a scowl then back at Chuny. “Announce it why don’t you.”

“Announce what?” Jerry mumbled through a mouth full of bagel. “The big purchase?”

“No, Lewis is pregnant.”

“Chuny!” Carter wanted to smack the nurse, she never seemed to know when to keep her mouth shut and it had cost him more than once. She was a great nurse but she had a big mouth

Morris and Gates both overheard her and soon it seemed like everyone in the entire ER knew. So much for keeping it under wraps, he supposed that the fact the secret lasted for a full 24 hours was a miracle.

* * *

Susan wandered into the ER a couple hours later, the on duty triage nurse buzzing her through with a wave.

“Hi Dr. Lewis.”

“Hi, is Dr. Carter around?”

“He just took a trauma in. Congratulations by the way, you must be excited.”

“Oh, um, thanks.” She frowned slightly, John had told everyone or the rumour mill had got hold of the news - she was betting on the latter, she didn’t think John was all that excited about a new baby at the moment.  He would not be shouting it from he rooftops, not given the circumstances, he would hate to be whoever misfiled those lab results about now, they were probably standing in the unemployment line.

Susan wandered up to the admit desk, taking the small bag and cup of coffee with her, ending up reaching in and absently munching on the snack she had packed. She chatted with the various staff who came by and accepted the congratulations in stride.

“Hey, you look like you’re feeling much better.” John slid his arms around her, giving her a very quick kiss before releasing her. He knew she didn’t like to get overly affectionate at work…in public was fine, but work she liked to keep separate.

“I am, so much better after getting some sleep and finally having something to eat that I could keep down. I brought you something.” She held out the bag and the coffee cup. He opened the bag and peered in, his smile turning into a smirk.

“Why thanks honey, except…did the mice get into it? There’s um…not much left.”

Susan blushed as Jerry started to laugh behind her. “Sorry, I only meant to take a couple bites, I guess I was still hungry. Coffee?”

He took the cup and sipped some of it, realizing the cup was only half full.

“Are you rationing me or did you get thirsty too?” He gave the cup a little shake. “I thought you were off the caffeine?”

“I only took a couple sips…maybe I should go get you something from across the street.”

“Why, you trying to kill me off? Never mind, I’ll be done here in a couple hours and I’ll take you for a late lunch, or early dinner, or afternoon snack, whatever you want to call it.”

“Sorry, I just thought I took a couple bites, I guess you were in that trauma longer than I thought.”

“Uh huh. Never mind, Susan, you were hungry, you need to eat more than I do, I had something before I came in, and I should be limiting my coffee…as should you.”

“No lectures John, I know the drill, I am a doctor too in case you forgot? I taught you at least some of what you know.”

Jerry smirked at that comment. “Oh really, do tell.”

“Shut up Jerry.” Susan and Carter said in unison.

“Dr. Carter?” One of the new residents came up to the admit. “I have a patient I need you to see.”

“Okay, run it down for me.”

“10 year old boy, has a broken arm.”

“Did you get an x-ray to confirm the break?” John was scanning the chart.

“Yes, can you look at it with me? The radiologist seemed concerned about the type of break, says they suspect abuse of some sort.”

“How did the boy say it happened?”

“He fell, or so he says.”

“Let’s take a look.”

John took the envelope and put the X-ray up on the light board, looking closely at it.

“Ah, this was definitely not from a fall, it looks like he had his arm twisted.”

“How can you tell.”

“See there…and there. They way the bone is broken, it’s consistent with being twisted, kind of like what kids do to each other, like this.” John showed the resident what he meant, without putting the pressure on it.

"Oh yeah, my big brother called it a snake bite, twisting the skin and it hurt, but he never broke my arm."

"He didn't or couldn't use enough force, this was an adult or a teenager to have the strength to break the kids arm.  That is why the radiologist was concerned, there isn’t any other way I know of that this kind of break could happen, clearly it is abuse of some sort, we now have to figure out how and why...and who” He picked up the phone and dialled an extension.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling Social Services. Wendall, hi it’s John…in the ER yes…I need you down here as soon as possible, I have an abuse case, broken arm…yeah, 10 year old boy. Thanks.” He hung up then took a couple of deep breaths. “Say nothing, just let me talk to the boy.”

He usually would let the resident take the lead but he had a feeling this would be a sensitive case, abuse was a tough one to coax out of a child, and this resident had not shown a lot of skill in the area of bedside manner at this point.

He paused then opened the door into the room, seeing the boy sitting curled up on the bed.

“Hi Aaron, I’m Dr. Carter, let me take a look at that arm.”

“It hurts.”

“I bet it does. I see they have given you something, but it takes a couple minutes to kick in, if it still really hurts in another five minutes, we will give you a bit more, okay?”

The boy nodded as John gently examined the arm. “Tony, make a call to Ortho please.  How did this happen?”

“I tripped and fell.”

“I see.” John could hear the door open and close softly and he looked over to see Wendall had come in. “Aaron, are you sure that’s what happened?”

The boy hung his head, curling up again.

“Aaron, you are safe here. If there is something else you want to tell me, we can help you. Did someone do this to you? You can trust me, Aaron, if someone is hurting you, we can find you somewhere safe to live, stop them from doing this again.”

Wendall held back, watching how John was connecting with the young boy.

“I can’t.” Aaron whispered softly. “It’s a secret.”

“Aaron, I’m a doctor and I can help you. Is it an adult asking you to keep a secret? Is it someone you know?”

They boy peered up, then looked down quickly.

“She’ll hurt me again if I tell.”

John looked over at Wendall, then took another deep breath, noting the boy said 'she will hurt me again'.

“No, Aaron, if you can tell us who it was, then we can stop them from hurting you. Who Aaron? Who do we need to keep away from you?”

“My coach, she twisted my arm and said if I told anyone what we did together she would hurt me more. She would take me off the team and tell people I was a dirty little boy. I’m dirty and disgusting.”

“Why do you think that?”

Aaron shook his head.

“What does she do to you Aaron, does she touch you? In your private spots?”

The boy hung his head lower, swiping at his eyes with his good hand.

“Aaron, it’s okay. You can tell us, we are here to help.” Wendall finally moved forward, sitting near the boy. “Your coach is a woman?”

“Yes.”

“What does she do to you?”

“She…touches…it. Rubs it and makes me…” The boy shook his head, the tears dripping down his face. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“You’ve never told anyone?” Wendall said gently. “It’s okay Aaron, it’s nothing you’ve done wrong, if an adult is touching you or making you do things, then you need to tell us.”

John touched Wendalls arm, then stood, stepping out of the room with the resident behind him.

“Chuny.” He waved at the latin nurse. “I need a rape kit set up. We are going to have to examine him.”

The resident stared at John.

“A rape kit? That’s a boy. Boy’s don’t get raped by women.”

“Are you serious? That little boy is being abused by his coach, and she broke his arm to silence him. Threatened him. Just because he is a boy does not mean he cannot be forced and we need to collect any evidence that may be on his body to help prove his claim. Who knows how many kids this woman is abusing, has abused in the past or will abuse in the future. I need you to call the police as well. I am going back in, let’s try not to scare the kid any more than he already is.”

“You believe him?”

“Yes, Dr. Gibson, I do believe him. Or he is one hell of child actor.”

 “He’s a boy.”

“So if it was a 10 year old girl, you would automatically believe her, but because its a boy you think it didn’t happen?”

“Dr. Carter…can I be excused from this one? It’s too weird.”

“Seriously? No, you may not be _excused_ from treating your patient, unless you would like to be _excused_ from this rotation and then good luck finishing your residency. Not another damn word, shut up and you might learn something, but not another damn word.” He held up his hand, brooking no argument from the Resident.

Chuny had been listening to the exchange, having returned with several items that she knew John would need when examining the boy.

She followed him back into the room, the boy was still sitting balled up on the gurney, Wendall talking to him softly.

Aaron looked up, seeming relieved that John was back.

“Can I talk to you alone…just you Dr. Carter?” Aaron was looking nervously at both Wendall and Chuny.

“Sure…Chuny, maybe…Malik would like to take over for you, I think you are due for a break?” He raised his eyebrow at her significantly, both women were picking up on how nervous the boy was around them.

“Sure thing, I will go for my break and send him in to help with that arm.”

John noted that the boy seemed calmer once the women had left the room.

“Did they make you nervous? Too many women in the room right? You know, they make me nervous sometimes too, women.”

“Do they?”

“Sure, it’s normal. But for you, they made you scared, didn’t they.”

The boy nodded.

"You know I have know both Wendall and Chuny a long time and they are really nice, you don't have to be afraid of them.  But if you prefer I can have a male nurse come in and help me finish.  Malik is a nurse, and I've known him a long time too.  Would that feel more comfortable?"

"Yes."

"Okay.  Done.  Can you tell me Aaron, where did your coach touch you?"

“She touched my…you know.” The boy pointed down at himself. “She made me put it in her private spot, after she touched it, and…” He cut off.

“After she did what?”

“She put it in her mouth, I didn’t want to but she did it anyways and it got all hard and…it made me feel funny.”

“That’s normal Aaron, and it is simply a physical response, you didn't do anything wrong.  Your coach, she should not have done any of that, it was good you told me, now we can stop her from doing it again."

"Can you?  Will I still get kicked of the team?"

"I wish I could say for sure, but just remember this is not your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong, okay Aaron?  It might take some time, I don't think your coach will be teaching kids anymore, but I don't think you should play on the team until that coach is gone."

"Okay, I don't want her to do it again, I couldn't help it, it...felt icky, but kind of good too.  That is why she called me dirty and bad, because I couldn't stop it from happening."

"Aaron, that is natural, your body responds sometimes in certain ways, even if you don't want it to.  You were not in control of that, so you can't blame yourself.  I believe you didn't want her to do it, and she should not be touching you like that, but whatever happened is not your fault, never blame yourself Aaron.  Have they talked about any of this stuff in school, or have your parents talked to you?"

"We have a class at school, and it's really embarrassing, they talk about...sex and our bodies and stuff.  But they said that we shouldn't have sex, but...she made me have sex with her, she touched my...penis."  He whispered.

"I know, Aaron, and it wasn't right, but sex is not dirty or bad...it is just wrong for an adult to have sex with a boy like yourself.  You should never be ashamed of your body, but anyone forcing you to do things you don't want to do is wrong of them, and in this case against the law."

"Will she go to jail?"

"I hope so Aaron.  Have you showered or changed since she last did that to you?”

“No, she made me, and then I told her I didn’t want to anymore and that’s when she broke my arm, after she made me do those things. Then she dropped me off here and told me not to say anything about it, to tell you I fell, that I am clumsy.”

“Okay. Aaron, I hate to do this, but we have to…I need to examine you. It won’t hurt, I promise, and I am going to have Malik come in and help…he’s a great nurse.”

“You have to…examine me down there?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry buddy, but we need make sure you are okay and I am going to take some samples. Just a couple swabs, it will be really quick and it doesn’t hurt at all.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“I know, but…I promise I will be fast and we can take little breaks if you need.”

John finally talked the boy into the exam, getting Malik to assist while he did he necessary swabs and tests, bagging the boys clothes and providing him with a gown and some scrub bottoms so he would not feel so exposed.

He was not looking forward to the rest of the day, talking to the police, talking to the parents, but he knew it was necessary.  He and Wendall spent most of the afternoon and into the early evening dealing with Aaron, and his family, the boy finally being discharged and going home with his distraught parents.  He finally took a break, heading up to the roof, leaning on the rail looking out over the city.

“Hey, there you are.” Susan set the cup of tea down beside his hand. “I brought you something, though looks like maybe you could use something a little stronger than a tea.”

“You could say that, I could down the entire bottle at this moment, but I will settle for the tea. That was really difficult.”

“Are you okay, you do not look good.”

“I’m not great, not after that. I just…” He shook his head, then closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

Susan frowned slightly, but refrained from saying anything further, wrapping an arm around his waist and leaning into him.

“What did you do while I was busy?”

“I went over to see Lexi, told her about the baby. You know we are going to be due at almost the same time? She’s due late December, and we are due in late January if my calculations are correct. She was kind of blown away by the announcement.”

“Yeah, well so was I…the twins will only be 14 months old and we are going to be having a newborn baby in the house. Ava will be not quite two years old, Devon barely 3. It’s a lot to wrap my mind around.”

“John, do you want this baby? I mean, I feel like I haven’t given you a choice, and…can you be honest with me, do you want me to…not have it? Do you want me to terminate?”

“Oh Susan, no, don’t think that. I’m just nervous, worried about you, it is so soon, you barely recovered from having twins and you are going through it all again. You were so sick this morning and I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do for you. It kind of made me worry that perhaps you didn’t really want to do this, especially so soon after the twins.”

“You did a lot, and I am so sorry, I was such a bitch this morning, and all you were trying to do was make me feel better. This is unexpected, this new baby, but…I can’t do anything else. I could never live with it if I didn’t have this baby, I love you, this baby is part of you, and part of me, I know I am going to love this little person despite the challenges having another child brings. I’m just super hormonal, and being sick doesn’t help.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t.”

“My mood swings are uncontrollable right now, as soon as you had me tucked back into bed, I already knew I had been overly hard on you. All I can say is I appreciate it, and don’t stop, I don’t mean to snap at you or push you away, or act like a crazy woman, but please don’t take it personally, it will all calm down soon. I told Lexi I was a raving lunatic this morning and she laughed at me, said she had just gone through it herself, poor Luka didn’t know quite what to do with himself.”

“Ah, so I need to call Luka and go for drink so we can commiserate about the mad hormonal women…I am sure he will be hearing all about our new addition soon enough.”

“No need for secrecy, all of County knows already.”

“I suppose. It’s just that you were much more level with the twins, less emotional. Your hormones really are raging this round, and I was hoping that it wasn’t because you were unhappy in some way.”

“Oh honey, I am really happy, I love you, I love our family, don’t worry so much, please don’t worry. Our marriage is good, we are great, despite how rough the past few days have been. You had your appointment today?”

“Mmhm, and they are all apologetic for the error. It was an error, they should have called me, had me back in, it reversed itself or didn’t work or whatever because there are definitely very active boys in my sample.”

“They told you that fast?”

“Yes, no waiting when they screwed up like that. I took a look, and yup, no question, I am fully capable of fathering children. High count and strong swimmers, we need to take care of things before this little person comes into the world.” He cupped a hand on her belly.

“I told you I would do it John.”

“It’s okay, I can have it done…or redone…before we leave for Europe, then get tested in the fall. That way we will know we are all good, if they don’t get it right then we have time for you to take care of things…after all you are already pregnant so…”

“Can’t get any more pregnant than I already am right? I wish you would wait until I am on restriction though.”

“It will only be a few days, can’t last more than a week without sex?”

“Not with these raging hormones.”

“News flash, I have other ways of… _taking_ _care_ of you.”

“That you do, but I won’t be able to _take_ _care_ of you.” Susan reached up to caress the back of his neck.

“Ah, yeah, well I will be sore, so I don’t think that is going to be an issue I don’t think I could even if I wanted to, you can make it up to me when I heal.”

“Deal. Are you off now?”

“Yes, thank goodness. That was rough, I hate cases like that.”

They collected up their things and left for home shortly afterwards. Despite the great talk on the roof, Susan still had a sense that something was bothering John. He seemed a bit moody, a bit off.

Susan noticed, particularly when they made love that night, he seemed distracted, and though she enjoyed it, she could tell he was not himself.

She lay close, trailing her fingers up and down his chest. “John?”

“What?”

“Something is bothering you still, are you really okay? I mean, have I done something, are you upset with me?”

“No way, I would tell you if it was something you did that bothered me. It’s…the case today, I can’t stop thinking about the boy and Gibson’s reaction, he asked to be excused from the case.”

“I heard something about that, he was a little perturbed that you told him he could be excused from his residency if he walked. You know he is just learning John, maybe you were harsh on him. Why, something triggered that reaction in you.”

“He didn’t want to believe the boy, said he found it hard to believe a boy could be abused by a woman. Like a 10 year old boy asked his adult teacher to have sex with him? Seriously? If it had been a girl claiming it of her male coach, no one would have questioned it. I had to do a kit on the kid, I feel like it made it worse for him, but…you know that damn coach gave him an STD? Good thing we caught it - Syphilis.  The swabs and all that stuff went to the lab, good thing she didn't make him shower before she dumped him off at County.”

“Oh John.”

“Yeah, so now the police are investigating and they have to talk to all the kids on her team and they are all going to have to go in to see their doctors and get tested…it is going to go on forever.  She has an STD, she wasn't using condoms, what if she has something worse, like HIV?  We tested Aaron and he doesn't have it, but still,  that boy is scarred permanently, I left him alone with Wendall for less than 5 minutes and he just curled up into a ball. Wendall, she’s like leaving a kid alone with a kitten, and he was terrified of her…I had to get Malik to come in and replace Chuny because he didn't want a woman seeing or touching him. He is going to need a lot of therapy to ever trust another woman.”

Susan felt her breath catch, her mind running over what John had said ’do you think a 10 year old boy asked his adult teacher to have sex with him? He is not going to trust women.’ No, she thought that a 10 year old boy would not ask that, any more than an 11 year old boy would want to have sex with a 25 year old maid. She felt like all her misgivings and unease about that day were right on the money, he had been saying a lot more than anyone heard at that harassment seminar, no one had even clued in to what he was telling them. She was not sure she could find a way to get him to admit it though, what if he had never told anyone? What if the reason this case was hitting him so hard was that he could relate to the boy in a way no one suspected?

Susan wrapped her arms around John tighter. “I love you.” She whispered.

“I love you too.” He hugged her back.

“This boy…do you think he is going to be all right? Lots of people get through it, girls and boys, women and men.”

“I hope so, his parents were in shock but supportive, Wendall is working with them to find resources to get him help, a private therapist and they are going to be taking him in to their clinic for follow up testing in a couple months. But when word gets out at school, I am sure it will be rough, the parents are already talking about pulling him out and moving him somewhere else, his name can’t be released so no one in the new school would have to know. At least he could tell someone, though it took a lot of coercing to get him to admit to it, he was scared that no one would believe him.”

Aaron had been petrified, embarrassed and had not want his parents to know what happened, and he had finally admitted that he didn't think John would take him seriously when he told him his teacher had touched him.  It was unusual, a woman being the predator, but it still happened, and John knew it.

“I can only imagine how hard it would be…a girl I went to school with was being abused by her stepdad…they didn’t find out until years later. She was too afraid to tell anyone, that he would hurt her, that no one would believe her. Of course back then…I don’t know if I would have the courage to tell either, how do you get anyone to believe you. It would be especially difficult for a boy to admit it, I don’t know how it would have gone. So young and sadly too many people think that a boy cannot be abused.”

“Well, we both know they can, and if she was doing it to others then maybe we have stopped the chain. maybe we saved some more kids from being abused by her, stopped the abuse against those kids she is around now. I hope so. It is so damn twisted, that coach is in her 30’s and she’s having sex with little boys. If I found out someone was doing that to my kid I’d probably kill them.”

“And go to jail.”

“It would be worth it, I honestly think I could kill them.”

“You never told anyone, did you?”  Susan heard the words leave her mouth before her logical brain could halt them.

“About what?”  He tried to say it calmly but he choked up a bit.

John suddenly knew where this conversation was going, Susan had most certainly figured it out, she was a smart woman and she had been leading him down the garden path. Tricky, and he could only deny for so long, he was a terrible liar and he knew it.

“John. You know exactly what I am talking about…you were 11…she was 25, it wasn’t consensual was it.”

He knew his days of hiding it were over, he had talked the boy into telling, into making a statement to the police, into getting help, and he was still denying what had happened to him. It was hypocritical, no other word for it, he was a hypocrite, expecting the boy to tell, but hiding behind the same insecurities and fears himself, never being able to tell anyone, being scared to tell anyone.

“No, it wasn’t, but…it is so long ago, it doesn’t matter.”

“But it does. You never told anyone what happened…you can tell me, and I will still love you. I have suspected it for a while, comments you have made over time, it’s okay to talk about it. It doesn’t change how I feel. Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

He buried his head against her. “Who would I have told? Who would have believed me? My parents weren’t around, tell my grandparents? That would have gone over well, they were always telling me to solve my own problems, grow up and be a man.  You know my grandfather slapped me for crying at my brothers funeral?  Lectured me about it?  He was not a forgiving or approachable man.”

Susan was speechless, she tried to think if she had ever seen John cry, and she had to admit, even when Mark died she hadn't.  When his son died, when Kem left, she had been on maternity leave, and he had been off work for a while, so she just didn't know if he had cried or how he had dealt with the loss.

“He hit you."

"Yes, he did.  I don't remember him ever doing it again, he kept everyone in line with his lectures I guess, but after that I was scared to tell him.  I thought that he would blame me."

"I feel so stupid that I didn’t think twice about it that day, I am so sorry.”

“Why? I got the expected reaction, poor little rich kid, no one even made the connection, they just brushed it off. You wonder why I never told anyone? Because everyone thinks that money makes it all better, and nothing bad could possibly happen to you when you have that much money. People assume you are lying, like you did, or they assume she was paid by my parents, like a hooker, but their minds don’t go to the obvious. My parents left me in a house full of staff who I barely knew, who _they_ barely knew and I paid the price for that, many times over.”

“I’m sorry.” Susan hugged him tighter. “I know it is too little too late, but I am sorry for not paying more attention. I admit it, you’re right, we were focussing on how much you had not how much you didn’t have. Your family is worse than mine, I wish I had known. I love you, don’t forget that, John, I love you so much.”

Susan’s reaction was quite unexpected, deep down he had always carried the fear that no one would want to be with him if they learned the truth. That he was damaged beyond repair, that he had to keep this part of his life to himself. Yet she was holding him tight, telling him it didn’t matter to her. He usually kept his feeling tightly wound, hidden, because whenever he had opened up to a woman he had gotten burned. He felt like he had let out his deepest darkest demon and she still loved him.

“I love you too.”

They were holding each other so close they were practically one. He felt his last reserve cracking, the last of the massive wall he had constructed around his heart coming down, he could feel the tears trickling down his cheek, but he let it happen. He felt safe here in her arms, like he had finally come home.


	41. Bound To You

Susan lay awake for a while after John had finally dozed off, it had been a very rough day for him, in fact the past few days had been extremely difficult, but she hoped it would only get better from here.  

John had opened up to her far more than she expected, it had been far easier for him to admit than she would have imagined and once he started talking, it felt like some sort of wall had come down.  He admitted it was never easy for him to show his emotions, he had learned to keep them in tight control in a lot of circumstances.  Susan disagreed to some extent, sometimes his thoughts and feelings were written all over his face, but...she didn't want him to change that aspect so wisely said nothing.  Though on the other hand, he wasn't prone to a lot of outbursts he only occasionally let it out and the situation had to be extreme before he did.

She had held him until he was ready and then they'd talked...or she'd asked and he'd answered.

"Was it only once?"  She stroked his hair, the back of his neck, trying to get him to relax.

"No, it went on for a while."

"How did it start?"

"After my brother died, not long after, my parents left and I remember being really lonely, none of the staff had been here more than a few months, except maybe the cook.  This one particular maid always talked to me, joked around, snuck me things from the kitchen I wasn't really supposed to have, it made me feel not so alone.  Then she started giving me hugs, and then one night, she came into my room.  At first only once in a while, then she was coming into my room a lot.  It was gradual, like she gained my trust, it was psychological, they way she did it played on guilt and loneliness and fear."

"That is how they always do it John, it's manipulation, mental and physical abuse."

"You know Aaron said something that hit me, it brought it all to the surface, it was like reliving it again.  The whole guilt part of it..."

"What did he say?"

"He couldn't stop it from happening, you know?  It's physiological, even if you don't want it to happen, it still does, and even if you know it's wrong, physically it..."  He stopped, holding her a little tighter.

Susan thought she knew where he was going with this, and she didn't want to force him to say it, she didn't think he was ready.  "It's okay, I understand."  She brushed her hand over his hair, then down his back, dropping a kiss on his hair.  "How long?"

"Until I started sneaking out of the house at night to avoid her, she was getting...demanding and a bit scary, so I would walk through the woods to my grandparents house and sleep in the barn with my horse.  I got pretty good at it, until Frank caught me sleeping there, I slept through my alarm on my watch."

"Who was Frank?"  Susan was filing this away.  Barn?  My horse?  She thought back, realizing she had not idea of this side of him.  She also noted that he was skillfully dodging her attempts to find out how long this actually went on for, but she suspected it was a while, weeks, perhaps even months.

"He took care of the horses for my grandparents, we had quite a few of them.  He hauled me into my grandparents house and I got in huge trouble for sneaking out, and I ended up in boarding school.  I think that is when the rift started between my dad and my grandparents, they found out my parents had left me with the hired help.  It turned out they thought my parents had taken me with them, they always used to take us with them or leave us at our grandparents.  That last time, it felt like they forgot I existed and just left me."

Susan's heart broke, she was starting to fully get the picture, why John had been so harsh with his dad this last round, he had given up on his parents entirely.  It was true, she had seen it, his mom was an ice queen who had walked out of his life years ago and his dad criticized his life and choices, and when John felt his dad rejected Devon, refused to accept him, it was the last straw for John.  It was like John simply gave up on his family entirely.

"They didn't ask why you were sneaking out?"

"No, well not really, my grandfather just yelled at me, told me how stupid it was to be walking through the woods alone at night.  It was probably a couple of miles, I mean, you saw how close the houses were out there."

"They were not at all close, John."

"Not really, my mother always took the car, she never walked through the woods.  She was kind of an indoor person, it was always my grandfather or my dad who took us out when we were really young."

"You weren't scared?"  Susan remembered John pointing out his parents house, she had been a little shocked at how big it was and how much land the family owned, she suspected it was at least 3 miles.  11 years old, walking through the dark forest every night to escape unwanted advances, her heart broke a little further for the young boy he was back then, with no one he could trust.

"Of the woods?  No, not really, Chase and I spent a lot of time there, we rode our horses in there, played in there all the time, with Bobby too until he got sick.  We had a tree at the back of the house, I remember Bobby pushed me out of it and I broke my arm.  After he got sick he was mean sometimes, but then sometimes he was really nice too.  We were boys, we roughhoused, explored, spent hours out there,  the woods were exciting, not scary."

"Did it happen again after you left for boarding school?"

"No, my mother is not terribly warm, she scares staff off like you would not believe, most of them were gone by the time I came home again.  One of my regrets is that I don't even really know who she was, and I was too scared to say anything...who knows if she did it to anyone else?  Now it's far too late anyways."

"You can't blame yourself for any of it, you were a child, and even girls I knew had a really difficult time reporting things that involved abuse, even today you know it took some doing to get that little boy to say something and you saved a lot of kids from the same fate."

"I hope so Susan, easier said than done, but I get it, I don't blame myself for it happening, I just wish I'd had the courage to speak up about it at the time.  Not that anyone would have believed me, like that stupid resident today saying that boys cannot be abused, they can, just as easily as girls.  But it's harder for them to admit it.  People don't tend to believe it can happen, even with the broken arm that showed abuse...his arm was twisted so hard it broke...that stupid resident didn't want to believe the kid."

Susan inhaled deeply, sad for the boy, and now she understood why John went off on the resident, though surely he was going to hear about it from Banfield.  She might have told the resident to grow up as well.

"It's never easy for anyone to admit or get through, but I am glad you trust me enough to tell me, that we have a strong enough relationship that you are talking to me.  I can't even imagine."

"Good, I'm glad you can't...you don't want to know.  It happens to far too many kids, and too many are scared or threatened and can't come forward about it.  I can't be sure even if I did come forward that it would have been reported to the police, my family would probably have just fired her and swept it under the rug.  They tried pretty damn hard to hide my addiction, my grandmother was the only one who ever talked to me about it or showed concern."

"I'm sorry...sorry, those words just seem so damn inadequate.  Have you ever thought about telling your dad about it?"

"Are you kidding?  Not a chance, there are things about me he will never know, I can't talk to him without it becoming a yelling match or some sort of way for him to pick apart my life.  In his eyes...I've failed him and I've failed the family, I will always be the disappointment, the drug addict.  You know when I came back from Africa with Kem he asked me if I was back on drugs...I think I told you that?  If I do something he disagrees with...well I must be back on drugs, or I'm irresponsible, I will never measure up to what he wants me to be, and I simply don't want to."

"Why should you anyways.  You have accomplished amazing things John, you are a good person, a great father, a wonderful husband, a fantastic doctor and you've given back in ways he can never understand.  I hope our children turn out even half as accomplished."

"I hope they turn out less than half messed up."

"You are not nearly as messed up as you seem to think, John.  You have an inner strength, you've overcome some huge events.  It's something I noticed right away, you've changed a lot, but in good ways.  I love who you are, and you show our children love every day, you show _me_ love every day.  I think our kids will be just fine, more than fine actually, they have two parents who love them and will support them in whatever they want to do in life.  That's huge, you know my parents were not all that supportive either, though not as extreme as yours, they didn't do much for me."

"Of course, I think maybe it's why you get me like you do, your life has never been all that easy either.  I love you Susan."

Susan held him close.  "I love you too baby."

* * *

 

John woke up in the dark, feeling Susan close to him.  It still amazed him how in stride she had taken his admission, but then again, she knew that kids did not bring this stuff on themselves.  But she had believed him, probably the only person in his life that had clued in, the only one who made the effort to even ask.  He had dated Abby not long after that seminar, and she had never showed the slightest interest or asked any questions about his revelation.  Did she not get it, or was she just to wrapped up in Abby?  Spending too much time worrying about Luka and Nicole perhaps?  Too involved in her drinking?  He would never know, because it was something he would never talk to Abby about, admitting it to Susan was hard enough without talking to anyone else about it.

"You're awake."  Susan ran her fingers down his cheek.

"Yeah, 2 am, I don't know why but I so often wake up at 2 am in the morning.  Did you get some sleep?  You must be exhausted."

"I dozed, but...not much real sleep, I was thinking."

"Oh oh, I hope nothing too serious."

"Yes and no...don't worry.  I was just thinking that nothing is off limits for us to talk about, ever.  I've never been able to talk to anyone quite like I talk to you."

"Nothing?  Are you sure about that?"

"Hm, I think so, but I get your point, maybe we don't want to get into too much detail on some things, but...I love you and you can tell me pretty much anything and we can get through it.  The one thing we would have a problem with in our marriage is infidelity, but not many people tolerate that, because it's breaking trust.  Lying is also something I can't tolerate, but I am sure we are both on the same page about the issues."

"Deep stuff for 2 am, but yes, we are, I think you know I don't do jealousy very well, it makes me crazy."

"It makes me crazy too, why do you think I was so bitchy that day?  You were acting jealous of Mark, but so obviously into Abby at the same time, which made me jealous.  As much as I cared for Mark, he was never more than my good friend, but we both know Abby was way more than a friend for you."

"I know Susan, I had a bit of a thing for her, I admit it.  You and I were going nowhere fast in our relationship, and she was flirting with me and...I don't know what else to say."

"Do you think if we had slept together, and let things develop back then, things would be different now?"

"Of course they would, change one thing and it has a ripple effect.  How things would be different is impossible to know, maybe we would be married with kids going to university, maybe we still would have called it quits.  We can never know, all we have is the here and now."  He kissed her gently, running a hand over her belly.  "Where we are is where we were meant to be, even this baby, I like to think there is a reason why we are having another baby."

"Yeah, there is, because we can't keep our hands off each other and your doctors office messed up.  We just enjoy having sex with each other a little too much."

"Can you enjoy sex with your wife too much?  I don't think so...you can not enjoy it enough, but too much?  Mmm, not sure it is possible."

"Why don't we find out.  I like it when you do that thing to me."

"Okay...what _thing_ is that?  We do lots of ' _things_ ' in bed that you seem to like, maybe narrow it down for me."  John brushed his hand down over her hip.

"Or you could start doing _things_ to me and I will let you know when you do the ' _thing_ '.

"A challenge?  Or is it more like a treasure hunt?"  John joked lightly, giving his head a shake.  "No pressure right?  What if I don't find the _thing_?"

"I'm betting you will."

Susan laughed as he kissed her neck, nibbling and nuzzling his way down to her breasts.  She could not help but moan softly as he moved back and forth between them, taking his time as she wrapped her hands in his hair and caressed the back of his neck.  She tipped her head back against the pillow, closing her eyes as the sensation started in her belly, running downwards, arching her back as it hit.

"Oh god, _John_."  She whispered, feeling her body pulsing just from his ministrations to her breasts.  She'd had no idea a man could get her to feel like that just by doing _that_ to her nipples, to her breasts, not until she started sleeping with John anyhow.  The first time he'd done that to her, she'd cried out loudly, shocked at the intensity of the unexpected orgasm.

John smiled against her soft navel, he was moving downwards, he knew what she liked, he had a good idea of what it was she wanted, but he was going to take the long way around getting there.  He kissed and nibbled his way down her thighs, stopping at each erogenous zone, feeling her twitch under his touch before moving upwards again, stroking the insides of her thighs.  She parted for him so easily, opened herself up, her hips rising, her body begging to be touched.  He teased her, coming close, then backing off before he gave her what she really wanted, smelling the scent of her arousal, seeing she was almost dripping before he finally covered her with his mouth.

" _Ahhhh_."  Susan vocalized her appreciation when he finally kissed her intimately, doing all the little things she loved for him to do to her.  

John teased and toyed with her, getting her close, backing off, with a final push that made her cry out as she writhed under him.  Her hands entwined in his hair, massaging his scalp as she clung to him.  He continued his ministrations a few moments longer, then trail his lips and fingertips up her silky soft skin, kissing her lips, letting her tongue probe his mouth, continuing to graze her body with his hands.

"Over."  He gave her a gentle push, sliding a pillow under her hips, he dropped kisses on her back as she moved over to her belly.  Susan sighed as the warmth of body radiated onto her back, his lips still seeking, leaving a hot trail that felt like it was burning into her flesh.  He attended to every inch, or so it seemed, his breath hot on the nape of her neck, his tongue parting her lips as he reached around to kiss her.  She pushed back against him as he slid inside her, crossing her ankles as he started to move.

He was sensuous and gentle, still kissing her back, leaning in to kiss her lips every now and again, varying the intensity of the lovemaking until she practically screamed out his name, sobbing uncontrollably as the waves rolled over her.  She was still sobbing as he turned her, taking her into his arms and kissing her deeply, then backing off a bit to let her catch her breath.  She felt a bit like a puddle of jelly, but she knew he was not done with her, he was still holding back, keeping control as he ran back down her body, taking his time before making her climax again.

Susan was feeling overwhelmed, and John knew it.  He moved up, kissing her belly, then cuddling her against him, sliding her leg over top of his hip before pushing into her gently, barely moving against her as they kissed, letting her body recover from the intensity of sensations washing over her.  She could taste herself in his mouth, taste him too, and it was erotic and sexy, the way he made love to her, never holding back.  The gentle pumping of his hips against hers, their intimate connection, it never failed to amaze her at how good he made her feel.

Susan ran her fingertips down his face, her breathing back to almost normal, though her heart felt like it was pounding in time to his.  His eyes looked almost black as he rolled them, his weight secure, but not crushing, his thighs squeezing hers just slightly as his body started to rock slowly against hers. 

" _Oh_ _John_."  It came out softly, a half moan as their bodies aligned, Susan moving against him slightly, her hips pushing upwards to intensify the contact points.  Her soft oh's peaked into a crescendo as they fell into a rhythm, unhurried at first, but the pace increasing as they both sought release.  John could feel the constant pulse of her muscles, her smooth walls tightening around him, slick and hot as he moved more urgently against her.  

Susan had been caressing his back, on hand entwining in his hair as he moved over her, she could feel his pause, opening her eyes to stare up into his.  Her lips welcomed his as he brushed her mouth, then intensified the kiss, fingertips brushing over her cheek, pushing back her hair.  

"I love you."  His whispered, his eyes meeting hers again as he started to slowly rock his hips again.  She could not look away, their gaze stayed locked as they moved faster and faster against each other, Susan finally crying out, her eyes slamming shut as the world stopped momentarily.  John buried his head into her neck, seeing the colourful spots in front of his eyes, his heart pounding so hard he could not hear anything but Susan's cry echoing in his head and the thumping of their hearts.

John collapsed against her, sliding to the side slightly to keep his weight off her, finally rolling them with her leg looped back over his hip.  He held her tight against him until he felt he could breathe normally again, feeling her burrow into his chest.

"Holy shit, what was that."  Susan's body was still quivering and pulsing with the aftermath.

"The right ' _thing_ '?"  John dropped light kisses on her face. 

"Wow, that was not quite the _thing_ I was thinking, but damn baby, it sure is now."  Susan took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her heart which still felt like it was going to thump it's way right out of her chest.

John moved onto his back, cradling her against him, saying nothing, just letting himself sink into the bed, totally relaxed.  He felt his eyelids get heavy, and he let his mind drift, falling into sleep before he could say another word.

Susan snuggled closer, realizing he had gone back to sleep without saying much of anything.  Normally this would bother her, she liked it when they cuddled and talked after sex, but she knew he had not been sleeping well, and the day had taken it's toll on him.  She closed her eyes, letting her mind wander, until she to drifted into a contented sleep.

* * *

 John woke up hours later, spooning up against Susan's back, his hand resting on her belly.  He splayed his fingers, marvelling at how deceivingly flat her stomach was still despite the fact that their child was growing inside her.  He flattened his hand, stroking her navel gently, thinking of how close they had just come to losing it all.  He had been incredibly angry, but even more than that he had been hurt, his heart raw from even the thought that she would do that to him, that it was even possible his wife had been with another man.

Of course it was possible, she was an extremely attractive woman, but he'd thought their love stronger than that, they made love all the time, they showed affection, she seemed _happy,_ something Kem had not been when she started her affair with Michel, something he'd not been when he'd started sleeping with Harper.

The realization when she came after him that it was not what it seemed, and that he had grossly misjudged the situation, he had mistrusted her for no reason.  

"What are you doing?"  Susan awoke with his arms wrapped tightly around her, feeling his hand traveling across her stomach, the gentle palpitations, he had such a gentle touch.

"Communing with the baby, it is so strange, you can't even tell you're pregnant, unless you do this."  He pressed very gently, he could feel the change, the slight enlargement of her womb.   "Your belly is so flat this time."

"Oh I can, my breasts hurt, and I throw up all morning and pass out at work.  It's early in the pregnancy John, just wait another couple of weeks and this belly will be popping out all over the place."

"No more shifts for you, I asked Cate if she was good now she got the two new Attending, and I told her to call me if she really needed coverage, but she is reassigning all our shifts.  The new doctors want the hours anyway."

"Oh you wonderful man.  Thank you."  She rolled slowly and carefully so as to not start the round of nausea she was certain would hit soon.  "That will be great, the school wants me to come in and do a talk before the end of the year.  Cosmo asked if I could do one of those 'parents tell us what you do days'?  He signed me up, and Chuck too, though Chuck said he can't come.  Cosmo was crushed, everyone else has both parents coming."

"Right, we never had those days at boarding school, not that my parents would have come.  Sorry that Chuck is not coming...is this an all day thing or just a few hours?"

"I think they are working the parents in during the mornings, it's too much for the kids to sit all day and listen about hedge funds and golf games."

"It would be too much for _me_ to sit and listen all day about hedge funds and golf games too."

"John...Cosmo wanted to ask you to come instead, I know you're not his dad, but I thought maybe you would consider it anyway.  He seems hesitant about it, though I told him he should just ask.  He doesn't want you to think you were second choice, just because Chuck could not come."

"Really?  If he wants me to, yes, I would love to come.  I'm not his dad, but I am his stepdad, right?  He should not feel bad either, I understand that Chuck is his dad no matter what, and of course he wanted to ask him first, that doesn't bother me, I don't feel like second choice.  What do we have to do?"

"Um, well, most parents just get up and talk and let the kids ask questions, but...I have been to a couple of those, and the kids looks so bored.  I wonder if there is a way we could make it a little more fun, after all we kind of have these really intense jobs.  I think you should talk about your time in Africa or something, talk about riding in helicopters or talk about building a big health centre or something like that."

"I see, so you get to talk about the cool stuff like cracking open a guys chest, squeezing his heart in your hands and shocking him back to life?"

"Absolutely.  Kids his age love the gross stuff, especially the boys.  I might ask this guy I know if I can borrow some stuff from his big fancy health centre."

"Well, I think I'm a little jealous, asking some guy to lend you stuff, he might want some sort of _favour_ in return, not sure I like that part."  John gave her a little wink.

"You really think he will ask for sexual favours for a couple pieces of equipment?"  Susan rested her hand over his where it was resting on her belly.

"Maybe...after all, he did that _thing_ for you last night.  You know, the thing that wasn't quite the right thing but is now the thing?"

Susan started to laugh.  "Oh boy, it's turning into a tongue twister."  She suddenly stopped.  "Oh crap."  

She bolted out of bed, just making it into the bathroom as her stomach turned over.  John sighed, pulling on some sleep pants before grabbing his t-shirt, following her into the bathroom where she was buck naked, hanging over the toilet.

"Let's put some clothes on you before you get cold."  He slid the shirt over her head as soon as she had a moment, then wet a facecloth with warm water and grabbing her a glass of water.  

"Thanks, that came on rather quickly.  I cannot wait until the morning sickness is done."

"Maybe you should ask for an afternoon time slot for your presentation, don't want to create a commotion in the classroom with you throwing up on the children.  Then Cosmo will tell his jelly bean story."

"Oh man, I wonder when he is going to let up on that one.  A jelly bean?"

"He asked how big the baby was, and I was trying to pick something he could relate to, so...a said a jelly bean, and it is, right?  Don't worry, in a couple weeks it can be a grape or something."

* * *

 Cosmo was bouncing with excitement, both his mom and John were coming to present at his school, and he knew they had cool jobs.  Way cooler than most of the kids in the room.  He had been into the ER many times, and he also visited the Carter Centre regularly, and John had told him a lot about Africa and living there.  His mom had also promised to bring some stuff to show the kids, and John had access to every piece of medical equipment Cosmo could think of, John told him lots of neat things about being a doctor, and let him look at some of his medical books too.  Cosmo loved all that stuff, though his mom worried about John giving him nightmares.

He fidgeted during Ethan's dad's presentation...which Cosmo frankly found boring, Ethan's dad was a tax accountant and droned on for 20 minutes, even the adults in the class room were becoming a bit glassy eyed at the end.

"Thank you Mr. Regan, that was very...enlightening." The teacher gave a big smile, starting to clap, getting the kids in the room to follow suit.  She was really hoping the next two would be more interesting, it seemed that this was required, the 'career days', but it was rarely engaging for the kids.

John reached over and gave Susan's hand a squeeze, she was going next, covering Emergency Medicine and working in an ER, John was going to follow, and they had put together some medical related goody bags for the kids to wrap things up.  Susan had borrowed a few things from the Carter Centre, John more than happy to okay her use of some simple equipment, between them they had finagled an hour of time from the teacher, promising to make it fun for the kids.

Susan set up quickly, John assisting her with the props, she had on her lab coat, her stethoscope slung around her neck.

"Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Lewis, and I am Cosmo Martin's mom.  I work as an Emergency Room doctor."  She launched right into it, gaining the kids attention quickly as she talked about what they did,  keeping their attention riveted as she showed them some of the equipment they used on a day to day basis. 

John was sitting at the back listening to her talk, and watching the kids reactions, giving her an encouraging smile now and then.  She was amazing, the kids were eating it up, getting to 'play'  with some real medical equipment, they had a chance to watch as Susan 'shocked' a teddy bear back to life, and she let them have a turn, using a real unit with a run down battery to pretend with.  

"Clear!"  The one girl yelled, they were getting into bringing the bear back to life.  John watched as Susan listened to the bear, then pronounced him recovered.

 She had the kids listen to each others hearts next with real stethoscopes and peek in their eyes and ears with Otoscopes one at a time to ensure safety.

"She's a looker, heard she's married to some rich guy, found a sugar daddy I guess."  The man sat down next to John, having tiptoed in to the classroom as she had the kids surrounding her, watching her work on the bear.  "My wife is always drooling over her rings, makes it tough for a guy like me, she is always hinting how much she would like something like that...me, I want to upgrade my wife to something like _that_."  

John gave the guy a sideways glance, not liking how he was checking out Susan.  She was an attractive woman, he knew it, and this guy was practically drooling, not even considering that maybe he should be a little more guarded in what he was saying...did he even consider that John might know her?

"Kent, my daughter is Jessa.  Are you up next?"

"Yes, right after Dr. Lewis."

"Dr. mighty fine Lewis.  Tough act to follow, she's killing it, the kids are eating it up, cool to bring in the equipment, though how she got it out of the hospital is amazing.  What do you do?"

"I'm a doctor."

"Of what?"

"Medicine, I trained as an Emergency Physician."

"Two ER docs in a row?  How are you going to top that?"

"Why would I try, I am just going to make it as interesting as I can."

"What's your name?"

"John."  He almost followed with 'but you can call me _sugar_ _daddy_ ', thinking better of it, no need to stoop to this idiots level.

Susan finished up, with an enthusiastic round of applause from the kids, quickly putting her props aside, but leaving them out in case there was anything John might want to use.

"Thank you Dr. Lewis."  The teacher smiled warmly, thankful for the lively presentation as John stepped to the front of the room.

"Well, looks like I have my work cut out for me, Dr. Lewis.  I'm Dr. Carter, and I'm Cosmo's stepdad.  I am also an Emergency Room doctor, and I did a little bit of time as a surgical resident as well."

"Did you cut people open?!"  Ethan exclaimed excitedly.

"I did, I performed a few surgeries and assisted in the Operating Room quite a number of times as well, it is a very demanding job, being a doctor.  I am happy to answer any questions you might have, but I am going to talk about something really different than Dr. Lewis...I want to tell you about working as a doctor in Africa."

John jumped in, telling the kids about his time there like a story, edited of course to remove all the personal details, but he engaged the kids amazingly well, Susan had to smile at the questions the kids were coming up with, and their awe as he showed pictures of the camps, the helicopter trips, and many other things that had the kids gasping in amazement.

"Did you see lions?"

"A few, but where we were it was more guerrillas."

This of course went right over the kids heads, but Susan rolled her eyes at him and the teacher frowned slightly, not sure if she was getting whether he said 'gorillas'  or 'guerrillas'.

"Thank you Dr. Carter."  The teacher was all smiles after the two presentations which had the kids asking questions and interested, not glazed over and asleep.  They were even more excited when John pulled out the goody bags.

"Now, there is one of these for each of you, but you don't get them until the end of the day."  They had put in some fun things, John knew if they gave them out now, the kids would be fidgeting and playing with everything in the bag...when he was 8 he sure would have been too.

Susan had been sitting and watching John present, getting a little annoyed with the other parent, one of the dads who kept trying to chat her up.  She pointedly played with her wedding rings, trying to listen to the questions the kids were asking.  John was finishing up and it had gone well, the kids were enamoured with the whole idea of Africa.

"Well, he's quite the guy."  Kent rubbed his hands together nervously. "I'm glad I am presenting after the break, tough to follow you and that guy.  I'm Kent by the way."

"Susan.  What do you do?"  Susan asked politely as John wrapped up.

"I'm an investment advisor, you know, buying and selling stocks.  Hey, you should give me a call sometime, I can give you a discount on commissions."

"Oh, thanks, but I have someone taking care of my investments already, he does a pretty good job actually."  

"Still, maybe I can do better for you...who takes care of your investments?"

"That guy."  Susan pointed at John.  "He's pretty good."

"An ER doctor?  Are you for real?  You let a doctor control your investments?  Since when does he know how to invest?"

Susan shrugged.  "We're doing okay, I'm pretty happy with the returns he's gotten me."  She tried not to smirk, she didn't think Kent ever got the returns John did, but then John had money to lose so to speak, she was sure Kent did not.

"Right, where did he go to school?  U of Chicago?"

"No, University of Pennsylvania, for undergrad anyways, he has a finance degree from Wharton."

"Oh."  This seemed to shut Kent up for a moment.

John came back and sat down beside Susan, the teacher following shortly afterwards.  

"John, can I ask you a question?"  

"Sure." 

"I understand you have some connections at the new Health Complex that recently opened.  Is there any chance you know who we can contact to arrange a school tour?  Does the new Centre even do them?"

"They haven't as yet, but we have been open only a few months.  It is going to become a teaching facility after the one year anniversary of being open.  If you want to let me know your  goals...like are you teaching a health unit or what course is this relating to?"

The teacher explained a bit on what she was trying to accomplish, and John nodded.  

"Let me know when you would want to do this and I can make arrangements for you, I would say 3 to 4 hours for a proper tour, we would want to break the kids up into small groups maybe 4 or 5 kids per group, I have a few ideas, and I am sure Susan could help me design something appropriate."

"You can give the okay for us to access the facility?"

"Sure, I'm on the Board, I know everyone there, I just have to clear if through legal, but you get waivers from the parents before you take the kids on field trips, correct?"

"Of course."

"I don't see any issues, if it works and the kids enjoy it, we can turn it into an annual thing for your class.  Not something I thought about before, but it is a natural extension, offering educational services to public schools."

Kent was frowning at him.  "Not something _you_ thought about?"

John shrugged. "No, when I was working on the plans, it was more about health care, but we are certainly looking to branch out and provide services where they are needed as long as it doesn't tax the resources of the facility beyond our funding.  I can bring it up in the next Board meeting and get some feedback."

John pulled out a business card, handing it over to the teacher.  "Call or email me when you find a date and I will check it out...but we would need a week or so to get a program in place."

"That's all?"

"They're 8 year olds, it's only a few hours work, we are both on Sabbatical for a few months, I'm just writing and publishing right now, so I can take a little break.  Susan writes programs for medical students and residents, so she is my go to girl."

The teacher nodded.  "Of course, you both have worked in teaching hospitals right?"

"For all of our careers, so teaching 8 year olds is not a stretch for us."  John reached over and took Susan's hand.  "We can work on it tonight a bit after we get the kids to bed."  He dropped that in so Kent would back off.

Kent flushed slightly, now realizing he had been making rude comments about Susan to her husband.  Susan just smiled, knowing Kent was squirming, she would hear all about it later, of that she was sure.

* * *

 

The next few weeks flew by, she and John designed a test program for Cosmos class, which John cleared through the Board.  The initial visit went extremely well, the teacher giving some feedback, John promised to tweak things in the fall and offer it to the school for any of the classes that wanted to participate.

They also arranged for Jing-Mei to check on the house as they would be gone most of the summer to Europe. The only hitch was Chuck was not all that enthusiastic about Susan taking Cosmo out of the Country, but he finally relented.  Susan sighed in contentment as the plane lifted off from Executive, her life seemed blessed and perfect, at least for now.  


	42. Chapter 42

Susan pushed open the door of the small cafe, looking around before striding towards the booth.

"Lexi!  It feels like forever!"  Susan gave the other woman a hug, laughing as their respective bellies bumped.  "You look great!"

Susan took in her friends smiling, slightly flushed face, the softly rounded belly, the happiness in her eyes she had not seen for some time.

"I feel terrific.  Look at you, wow, so tanned and relaxed, and...look at this!"  Lexi patted Susan's growing bump.  "Been feeling good too?"

"Yes, fortunately the morning sickness stopped soon after we got there, I could finally eat properly and had my energy back.  20 weeks now and the baby is doing fine.  John and I went in for an ultrasound when we got back, and things are perfect.  I loved the 'baby picture' you sent me while we were away...here's mine."  Susan pulled out a copy of the scan, holding it out to Lexi.

"Wow. Did you find out?"

"Nope, we have decided it will be a surprise, though...I might take an extra close look on the next scan.  Did you?"

"Yes...Luka was so excited to know and we are having a baby girl.  Joe gets a little sister, and....look!"  Lexi held out her left hand, showing Susan her lovely sparkling diamond ring.

"He asked!  Lexi!  You're getting married!  To Luka!  That is so exciting!"

"I know.  He got the divorce papers signed over the summer, and he broke the news to his ex that he is getting remarried and having a baby.  She was not happy."

"She's never happy, Lexi, I swear she walks around under this black cloud all the time.  Anyway, it is not your problem, you look so happy."

* * *

John stepped into the pub, seeing Luka at the bar right away.

"Hey, how are things?"  He clapped Luka on the back, dropping onto the stool next to him, signalling the bartender.  "Hungry?"

"Starving...I think I am sympathy eating, Lexi is packing it away."

"Stocking up, in the next couple months she won't have room.  Susan has been eating like crazy too, but we did a lot of walking and were pretty active all summer so she needed the energy."

"That was a surprise, I still cannot get over the fact that you are having another baby."

"Yeah, well, this is it, they got it right this time so baby central is closed.  I was worried, but she has been taking extra good care of herself, eating properly, all of that and we had an ultrasound, it all looks good.  Did you guys find out?"

"A girl.  You?"

"No, though I could tell Susan was trying to see, so maybe I will relent on the next one and let her find out."

"How was Devon?  And Harper?"

"Great, he is growing so fast, it worked out well, we took him for a couple weeks, then gave him back for a couple weeks, then I had him for all of August.  Harper has been doing some extra training, she's applying to NASA, she needed the study time."

"What!  Are you kidding me?  Your ex girlfriend is trying to get into NASA?"

"She's pretty damn brilliant, Luka, it has been a dream of hers ever since I've known her.  She took some extra courses, got another degree...she wants to do Life Sciences Research, I hope she gets it."

"Does she have to come back to the US?"

"Yeah, double bonus, she would be on the base at Lyndon, in Houston if she gets the job she wants, then might end up at Kennedy."

"Kennedy is where?"

"Florida, not too far from Orlando.  Either way, a hell of a lot closer than Germany."

"She has the qualifications?"

"Oh yeah, she's been AirForce for years, worked on a lot of bases, she's trained as a pilot, has like two extra degrees on top of her MD, she's qualified, she is coming next month for a personal interview."

"Wow.  Big news.  What did she think of the baby?"

"Oh, she's Harper, takes it all in stride, Luka.  We had an affair, she never wanted to marry me or anything, she doesn't much care what I do."

"Hm, really."  Luka did not buy it, he'd heard a few things, it seemed like Debbie and Harper talked, and Debbie was convinced that Harper would be right in line if John and Susan ever called it quits, in a heartbeat.   "I never quite understood, you were so wrapped up with Kem, and then suddenly you were off in Darfur, and then Harper...and Debbie I hear."

"Um, what?"

"Angelique.  She found out something from Debbie, she didn't elaborate, just that you and Debbie had...gotten together after Harper went back to Germany, just before you came home to Chicago."

"Shit, really?  Did you tell Lexi?"

"Susan doesn't know?"

"Not that I am aware."

"So it's true.  You and Debbie slept together in Darfur."

John rubbed his face.  "Yeah, we did.  Did you tell Lexi?"

"She overheard yes.  Was it a secret?"

"Well kind of yeah, I mean, I don't know Luka, it just never came up, Susan knew I was with someone, but I didn't say who, then Harper showed up in Chicago, the whole thing with Devon, and I kind of let Susan believe it was only Harper.  The thing with Debbie was like, a couple nights, I didn't get into it with Susan, I mean, did you ever tell Abby what you were up to between the time you broke up with her and the time you got back together?"

"Hell no, could you imagine the reaction if she knew?  You never told anyone did you?"

"Of course not, Luka, no way is Abby hearing any of that shit from me, I am a vault, I have told no one, it's private right?  You were single, the women you were with during that time is no one's business but yours.  The only reason I know is that you were really drunk and rambled on just a bit too long before you passed out."

"I know, thankfully I spilled my insides to you, not to anyone else."

"I think the phrase you are looking for is spilled your guts, but I get your point.  Hey, I've spilled my guts to you too, we're friends, but if Lexi tells Susan, I do not know how she is going to react.  Cheating on Kem with one woman was bad enough, but two...I might be a dead man."

"Oh come on John, it cannot be that bad."

"Oh, it just might be.  Can I ask you something?"  John looked around and lowered his voice.

"Always."

"Have you ever...been with two women, at once?"

Luka laughed.  "Yes, you know I...was with some pretty loose women over those couple of years.  Susan caught me with the mother of a patient in the supply closet.  Did she tell you that one?"

"Uh yeah, I heard.  She was my gossip source, that's how I heard about...you know."

"That Abby cheated on me with Moretti?"

"Yeah, she heard it from someone at County...I did not need to know, but I got to hear about it anyway."

"It's fine John, you see what a lucky escape you made.  I never figured Abby to do that, but then again I misjudged the whole drinking thing, I cannot believe I didn't see how wasted she was half the time.  Things were never great, little flashes of happy with a lot of misery, that was my time with Abby."

John shrugged.  "Sadly I can relate, but let it go, she's an alcoholic and great at hiding it.  She was going out for girls night with Susan and Deb and never told them she was a recovering alcoholic.  I brought it up and she told me she was drinking because she was happy with me.  Right, I never made her happy, ever."

"You did though, she was happier with you than she was with me, John."

"I'm sorry man."  John sipped his drink as the waiter put down a burger and salad in front of him, and burger and fries in front of Luka.  If what he had with Abby was happiness, he felt really bad for Luka, because it was not a good time in his books, not for at least half the relationship.

"So, have you?  Been with more than one woman at a time?"  Luka knew there was a reason John had asked, and he was curious now.

"Yup.  Does Lexi know that you have?"

"No way, not about the loose women and not about the two women either, which pretty much is the same thing, I was with two very loose women.  Does Susan?"

"No, but if she digs she is going to find out."

Luka frowned at him.  "Oh.  Debbie?" 

Luka could not help it, he smiled a bit, unable to keep the serious demeanour for long, somehow he had never thought that Carter would do stuff like that, he always seemed so...good?  But then again, he did have a reputation with the ladies, and it didn't take long for him to get with Debbie after he had shipped Luka back to the US.  Selfishly Luka was glad to see the demise of the Abby/Carter relationship, but after a while he realized he was being petty.  Abby had hurt Carter badly, but she seemed so nonchalant and uncaring about it, though it was possible it was only a front.  He remembered how she had shrugged and only said that she was glad someone had the courage to end it.  

At the time Luka was a bit torn, now he felt a bit more level on his opinion of Abby.  He had been in love with her for while, jealous of Carter, but now...his feelings had dissipated and he was looking forward to being with Lexi.

"Debbie and Harper in Darfur.  And a couple times when I was in medical school, but that is a whole other story." 

Luka smirked then gave a laugh.  "I would not want to be you if she finds out that one.  Well done, my friend, I paid my two women, I am assuming you did not?"

"No, Harper and Debbie are not hookers...no offence.  Neither were the two girls in Philly."

"None taken, I have the feeling you have never actually paid for sex."

"No, I have to admit, I never have.  Anyway, they just wanted to....experiment.  So we did, no harm no foul, it was just sex...really great sex mind you, but Susan might not see it that way, I don't know how she would feel about it, I've never brought it up, she's my wife, I don't want to do stuff like that with her."

"I don't want to do stuff like that with Lexi either.  Never saw it coming with Debbie I bet, that she would be willing, I mean."

"No, that was a surprise, Harper, well she's ummm, adventurous, didn't surprise me in the least, but Debbie seemed more...I don't know, less adventurous than Harper, but wow, not the case."

Luka laughed, giving one of his huge smiles that had been more commonplace since he met Lexi.  "Wow, but I get you, it was hot, I won't lie, but of course paid ladies with do just about anything, so...yeah, enough said."

"Yeah, please don't give me details, I don't want to hear them. But hot does not even begin to describe the whole Debbie and Harper thing, though it got weird at the end, Harper got possessive and Debbie pushed her buttons."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, um, have you ever had two women fight over you, except, this was in bed."

"They had a cat fight in bed?"

"Um no, it was much more subtle and lets just say I got a lot of sex."

 Luka shook his head, letting out a snort.

"What?" John took a bite out of his burger, seeing the amusement dancing in Luka's eyes.

"Tough problem there John, two woman all over you in bed, fighting for your attention?  Not too many men would feel sorry for you, I sure don't."

"Yeah, I suppose that's true, I'm not really complaining, just stating a fact, Harper got possessive, which was weird since she was the one who wanted it in the first place.  I warned her she might not like it at some point, but...she still insisted."

Luka smirked, laughing a bit harder.

"Oh, I just could imagine Abby hearing this, I mean, I loved the girl, she had a lot of good qualities, but she was never...forget it."

"What?  She didn't have the drive that Harper or Debbie or Susan has?."  Carter did get it, he was pretty sure Luka was going to say something to the effect that Abby was great and loveable in a lot of ways, but she was not adventurous.  The sex was good, but nowhere on the level he'd had with other women, she didn't have the libido that a lot of women had, nowhere close to women like Harper or Debbie or Kem...and nothing like Susan either.

 Susan shocked the hell out of him, in a good way, but he never expected the sex to be that amazing, the chemistry that strong.  It was a bit of a relief to hear Luka say it though, John had wondered sometimes if the chemistry was just not strong enough with Abby, or if it was her preoccupation with her family, but the sex towards the end was...not that great.  Another sign things were over long before they called it.

"She's no Lexi."  Luka said almost to himself, thinking that of course John understood, as much as he hated to think about it, he'd had sex with Abby too.  "You know Carter, we should probably not be talking about it, but no, my sex life was not the best with Abby, especially when she was drinking."

"I know, it's a very strange conversation to be having with you of all people, but...I hear you.  She's no Susan either.  I count myself lucky for marrying Susan, she's an amazing woman in many ways."

"I asked Lexi to marry me and she said yes.  I hope you'll be my best man, John."

"You did it?  Congratulations!  That is big news, a baby, getting married again, she's great Luka, take good care of her."

"I intend to, I cannot remember the last time I was so happy.  Not since...Danijela died."

"You deserve it, Luka, you've been through a lot and I'm glad you found the right woman, Lexi seems really terrific."

"So?  Best man?"

"Of course, let me know when you guys are planning the big day.  Susan is going to go crazy when Lexi tells her."

"I went to see Jesse, he helped me find a nice ring, not as impressive as Susan's but...it is still nice, thanks, he was helpful."

"I've bought a lot of jewelry there, I hope he gave you a deal."

"He did, well I think he did anyway, you can tell me once you see the ring."

"I'm not an expert Luka, but I am sure you did great." 

* * *

Susan took the last bite of salad, enjoying every bite.  She felt hungry constantly, and it felt so good to eat, though she had done justice to the food in Europe.  It had been so good, and so different than the fare in Chicago or Des Moines.

"I have a few things for you, but I left them at the house?  Maybe come by for a bit?  I asked John to invite Luka over too, looks like we need to celebrate a bit."

"We do, babies and marriage.  I am so damn happy, I have to thank you for forcing me to come up for Christmas."

"I'm glad you did."  Susan pulled out her credit card and tucked it in with the bill.  "My treat Lexi.  So when are you two going to do it?"

"After the baby.  In the spring, no rush, we are living together, and we will be busy, and so will you, good thing you have a nanny."

"Good thing I have a wonderful husband too, he helps a lot, Lex, the summer was amazing, he never shirks anything, he just does it.  I feel so damn lucky everyday of my life.  He is so sweet, and loving and generous."

"It probably doesn't hurt that the sex is amazing.  I guess that is the tradeoff for getting with the bad boys, the sex."

"The bad boys?"

"You know, neither John nor Luka are exactly innocent if you get me, Luka never says it but I've heard through the grapevine, he's...been around.  I was a bit nervous there for a while, I know he's...paid for sex Susan, even if he will never admit it to me.  John is not much of a choir boy either, I mean, from what Angelique says, he is a bit of a bad boy too."

"Angelique?  Why does she say he's a bad boy."

"Oh, you know, he's been around a bit.  I mean he takes off with Harper, then gets back together with Kem for like 30 seconds, then he goes to Spain to see Harper, or Switzerland or France or wherever else they were meeting, then she comes to Darfur, then he's with Debbie...and of course it seems like he um...played around quite a bit when he worked at County too.  Though I am not sure he ever did the hooker thing."

"He slept with Debbie in Darfur?"

"Apparently.  Angelique said something to Luka.  What's the matter...shit, he didn't tell you about Debbie?"

"No.  I thought it was just Harper, but Debbie?  She was here, in Chicago, and she stayed overnight in the apartment with him.  I came up from Des Moines and found her in the shower...our shower and he never told me she was coming."

"Where was he?  When she was in the shower?"

"At work, seeing Todd supposedly."

"Did you ask?"

"Of course, I freaked out, I come to his place and there is a naked blond in his shower, her underwear on the half made bed.  He said nothing happened, she said nothing happened, but...Lex, she said they had not been together for years, that it was a rebound thing after he broke up with Abby.  She said it right to my face, she never said anything about Darfur.  What if she lied about that night too?"

"What did John say?"

"He looked me in the eye and told me he never cheated on me.  What if he was lying, Lex, what if they did sleep together?  He said it was just Harper, he never said anything about Debbie."  Susan felt the emotions hit her.  "He lied about it."

"I think you need to talk to him sweetie, how about you phone him and get him to meet you, go for a walk, just ask him about Debbie and Darfur and that night you came up from Des Moines.  You might be getting all worked up about nothing, he loves you Susan, I can see it."

"Yeah well as you pointed out...he's _loved_ a lot of women."

* * *

 "Hi honey."  John picked up his phone, he and Luka were shooting some pool before they were going to go back to his place to meet Lexi and Susan for dinner.

"Don't honey me.  We need to talk."  Susan didn't have the patience to pussyfoot around it, she was livid.

"Um.  All right, what's wrong?  You sound kind of upset."  He looked over at Luka, who put down his cue.

"Maybe because I am.  Where are you?"

"At Lawson's, Luka and I were just having a game of pool.  Why are you angry?  What is going on?"

"I think you know, John, don't lie to me, you've done enough of that already. Lying and cheating and sleeping around."

"Susan, where are you?  You're right, we obviously need to talk."

"Meet me by our bench, at the river in half an hour."  

The phone went dead in his ear.

"I think perhaps dinner tonight is not such a great idea.  Lexi must have told her, and she is pissed, like you might find my body in the river pissed."

"Sorry, I should be more careful with my conversations."  Luka watched as John hit his speed dial.

"Debbie, what did you tell Angelique?"  John said as soon as he heard her voice.

"About what?"

"You know about what, don't play games."

"I kind of told her...you know."

"Nope I don't, be specific."

"I told her about the...about you, and sleeping together.  And about Harper, and sleeping together."  Debbie confessed.

"Shit, Debbie, why in the hell did you do that!  You know she told Luka?  Which was overheard by his girlfriend Lexi, who is Susan's best friend?  They went for lunch and Susan just called me and she is beyond upset.  If they find my dead body in the lake, they will know who to blame."  He hit the off button and dropped his phone on the table.  "Just great, women cannot keep their mouths shut, it wasn't even my idea, and I am going to be killed."

"My advice?  Beg forgiveness, and you better go now, if you are late it will be even worse, every second you keep her waiting will make her 10 times angrier."

"Yeah, right.  If you don't hear from me, it was nice knowing you."  He grabbed his coat.  "Though I suppose if she offs me it will save me a lot of pain.  My lawyer is going to enjoy it."

"Hey, you don't know, just stay calm and be honest."

"Thanks Luka.  Wish me luck."

* * *

 Susan walked up the path, there were a few people out running or walking, but it was pretty quiet.  The kids would be back in school soon and it was the last weekend before the break ended.  She could see he was there already, at least he knew better than to be late.

John looked up at her as she approached, standing up, seeing that she really was upset, the signs were there that she had been crying, her eyes slightly red and puffy.  He wanted to hug her, but she pushed him away.

"What did I do?"  He asked without any preamble, might as well just do it, like ripping off a band aid, no point in peeling it slowly, it hurt more that way.

"Debbie?"  Susan choked out the name, the woman who had been so friendly to her when she'd been to Chicago.  Debbie had lied to her?"

"Debbie what?"

"You slept with Debbie...you said it was only Harper.  Who else?"

"No one, well no one except Kem, but okay, yes, Debbie and I had a couple of nights in Darfur.  Is that what you are so upset about?  I wasn't with you Susan, I didn't think it mattered."

"Except she told me nothing had happened since you first went to Africa, and then I found her in your shower.  She lied to my face, about not being with you since you were in Kinshasa or Kisangani, and here I find out it was Darfur not long before you came home.  Did she lie about that night before I came up from Des Moines too?  And did Harper know you slept with Debbie while you were having an affair with her?  Having an affair on your wife then cheating on the mistress, just...wow."

John sighed, not sure how he was going to approach this, but Susan was going to go even more ballistic.  

"No she didn't lie about that night in the apartment, she slept in the guest room, and there was no sex of any kind going on.  Nothing, I promise, Susan, I have not been with another woman since the first night we were together."  He looked at her, then reached over, tipping her chin so she was looking at him.  "Susan, I did not cheat on you, I never have, and I have no intention of ever doing that to you."

Susan turned and studied him.  "How can I trust it after you lied about Darfur."

"I don't think I lied, Debbie lied to you, yes, but I think she did it to spare you, not to be evasive.  She didn't want to...out me."

"Out you?"

"Yes.  You are not going to like this, but...Harper knows about Debbie and Darfur."

"So if I phoned Harper right now, what would she say?"

"Are you sure you want to know?  Remember when we said we could talk about _almost_ anything?  But that there might be details you didn't want to know?"

"Yes, I remember."

"I think it applies here, you just might not want to know."

Susan narrowed her eyes, then thought about his words.   _Out_ _him_.

"You said she didn't want to out you, did you sleep...with...some _guy_?"

Susan was looking at him like he was from another planet, but John laughed nervously, it was a bit funny, he was about as straight as they came, but he used the wrong phrase.

"No, I'm not into men, Susan.  That is not at all what I meant.  You are going to make me say it?  Harper knew about Debbie because it was her idea.  Okay?"

"What?"  Susan frowned.  "I don't understand, why would Harper want you to..."  Susan stopped speaking, her mind spinning, not quite getting where he was going with this.

John was watching her, knowing her mind was not going in the right direction and he was going to have to say it.

"I slept with Debbie...and Harper."

Susan let this sink in for a second, then it dawned.

"Oh holy shit. At the same time?" 

She looked over at him and he shrugged.

"Okay, now you get it, I told you, you didn't want the details, but I am not going to lie to you.  Are you going to kill me and dump my body now or later?"

"Wait...you, and Debbie, _and_ Harper. Like a...you had a...oh um, wow?  Was that the first time you ever did that?"

"No.  There was another time, back when I was in Philly, but that was a very long time ago.  Have you?"

"No...though I will admit I had sex with my roommate once, you know, experimentation."

"I do know about experimentation.  Obviously."

Susan tilted her head, he did not seemed shocked or put off by her admission, but then again, if he'd been with two women at one time, then he'd...seen two women in bed together...more than once.  She almost laughed, wow, he continually surprised her, she remembered the day at the seminar and how she accused him of being so damn good...here he was admitting he had been in bed with two women at the same time.  She thought about how great he was in bed, how he'd had an affair with a much older woman...no, John Carter was far from the good boy, he was downright...sexy.  Yes, he was incredibly sexy and unpredictable.

"Who are you?"  She echoed the phrase she said back when he'd joked around with her on her birthday all those years ago.  "So have you ever...with a guy?"

"No, I don't swing that way.  Just women for this white boy."  He said this without any hesitation, and Susan knew this was true, he didn't get quite that experimental, and she was kind of glad about that fact.

"Apparently...lots of women.  So she lied because she didn't want to tell me the three of you got together like _that_ , and you didn't sleep with her in Chicago."

"Exactly.  But she said something to Angelique right?  Who told Luka, who told Lexi who told you and now you would probably like to kick my ass, but it was before us, long before us and...what can I say, it's off my bucket list.  Which is probably a good thing because I think I might only have a few minutes left on the planet."

"Um, no.  I see why you didn't say anything, but okay, I get it and oddly I am only slightly weirded out by the fact that my husband had sex with two women at the same time."

"Not when I was your husband though, I am a one woman guy now.  It was...I don't know Susan, I can't even explain, things were so out of kilter and you only live once."

Susan laughed.  "True I suppose, Harper is a bit kinky, is that what you are saying?"

"Please do not go there, I am begging you."

Susan nodded.  "I suppose not, huh?  Makes me a bit curious about Italy, but...yeah, maybe I should just wrap up that line of thought right now.  Should I be worried about you being around Harper?"

"No, why would you?"

"She is obviously more...adventurous than I am.  I mean she got you to have a threesome with her and whatever else you two did during your affair."

"Susan, can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"That first night, when you pulled your little strip tease, you were pretty damn hard to resist, if I had been drinking we would have been on the floor in about two seconds.  But I couldn't because you were drunk and I wasn't...so we didn't, not that I didn't want to, I just...couldn't."

"I kind of wished we had, but...on the other hand you didn't take advantage of the sloppy drunk, which is maybe good because now I remember our first time."

"I thought about it, but...I always thought you were sexy, beautiful and I wanted to sleep with you a long time ago, but you never gave me the chance.  Maybe for the best."

"Hm, I don't know, maybe I should have let you console me after Div left, but Chloe was in my apartment, that would have been an interesting adventure."

"Having your sister watch?  Yuck, no thanks, and let's get rid of that visual right now."

"Aw, you said you wanted to date her."

"You know I was kidding, and I was flirting with you...god you looked so amazing in that little back dress."

"You remember what I was wearing that night?"

"Are you kidding?  You looked so good, Susan, but I knew you would never be interested, and after Christmas,  I got the picture so I gave up.  What I wanted to say though was...you know later, when you woke up and asked if you had been sober if I would have felt differently?"

"I remember, I felt so rejected, I took off my clothes and you didn't even blink.  Talk about a blow to the ego."

"No, I was looking, trust me, but...I just couldn't, not when I thought that you were only asking because you were drunk, not with you Susan, never with you."

"Why?"

"I was still half in love with you, all those feelings came back, but...I wanted you to remember it, to want it without it being alcohol induced.  When we finally made love it was amazing, you took me by surprise at how passionate you are, at how great it was with you.  What we have is exceptional Susan.  You have nothing to worry about when it comes to our sex life, it's good...more than good, I wouldn't trade it trust me."

"But so is she, Harper is so much more adventurous, I would never have the guts to ask a guy to do that.  I don't think I could, I would never want to, not with you, how do you watch the man you love have sex with someone else?"

"So what does that tell you?  I don't want to share you with anyone either Susan, whether it is a man or a woman.  I love you, we have more than just sex.  We make love, we connect, and its fantastic.  She was willing to...share me with someone else, there is your answer...she didn't love me Susan, it was something totally different than what we have together."

"But she did, John, she loved you more than you realize.  She doesn't want to be _here_ because she doesn't want to see _us_ together."

"What?  How could you possibly know that Susan?"

Susan looked away, realizing as soon as she said it that she had said too much.

"Susan...I was honest with you, now I want you to be honest with me...how could you know how Harper feels?  She never said anything like that to me.  Where did you hear that?"  John turned her to face him.  "Susan?"

"I talked to her, I went to see her before she left Chicago.  I wanted to see if she would stay so Devon could be closer."

John shook his head in disbelief.  "You went behind my back and talked to Harper?   _Why_ would you do that Susan, what would possess you to talk to Harper like that, without telling me.   Wow, that is just great, what is it with women?"  He stood and walked a few feet away, staring out over the water.

This was hard to hear, first Roxanne had gone to Lucy all those years ago, then Rena had gone to Abby, and Harper had talked to Debbie, now he found out his wife had gone behind his back to Harper.  He didn't know how to feel.

"John."  Susan came up behind him, wrapping her arms around him, leaning against his back.   "I'm sorry, I just...saw how much you were struggling with him leaving and I...needed to try.  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go behind your back, I love you.  Forgive me?"

 "You know what the problem is here?"  John finally spoke, Susan was still leaning against his back, she had not let him go.

"What?"  Susan was apprehensive.

"I love you way too much."  He turned, pulling her into his arms.  "I love you, I am stupid, crazy, terminally in love with you.  But please never do that again."

Susan looked up at him, meeting his dark eyes.  "I promise.  You don't care...that she said that?"

"Susan, it makes no difference what Harper says.  We had our time, it was fun, we helped each other through a something difficult and I will always care about her.  But I love _you_.  Don't you get it?  You get all bent out of shape about the fact that I talk to my exes, and yeah, you may never look at Debbie the same way, but...I'm in love with you, Susan Lewis, and what we have is...incredible.  We have each other, a family, some good friends, and a pretty fantastic sex life, why are you so worried about what I had with...anyone else?  If I had wanted to be with Harper, I would have been with Harper, I would not have let her leave.  Did I let you leave?"

"No.  You drove me home, then you left."

"Um, I didn't really though, only after a couple days, remember?  I didn't let you go is my point, we made plans to keep seeing each other, we bought a house, made babies together."

"You made a baby with Harper."

"Yeah, well, with you I made babies on purpose."

"Not this one."  Susan ran her hand over her blossoming belly.

"But we will love this little baby anyway.  You have a comeback for everything."  He sighed and placed a hand over hers on her belly.   "Susan, are we okay?  I know I had to tell you things you didn't want to hear, things that I never thought I would be telling you, but...I'm not a saint, I've done things that you might not understand, but I can't change any of it.  I'm not the same guy you sat on that roof with so many years ago, but in some ways, I am, if that makes sense?  I feel like I've lived 20 lifetimes, and I know there are no guarantees, I took risks, I've done things I never thought I would do in a million years, but...can you accept it?  You might find out things in the future you won't like but nothing I can do about it."

"I love you, as long as you didn't do something illegal or to purposely hurt someone, then I will accept it."

He laughed at that.  "Well, I don't go around trying to hurt people, but...illegal, hmm, maybe but it didn't hurt anyone."

"Oh really.  Now I am curious."

"Just bucket list stuff, you want a rundown of _everything_ Harper and I did in Italy?"

"It it involves you having sex with her?  No, I do not want to hear it."

"All right then, enough said."

"Wild trip I guess, my husband is a very naughty boy.  You've never...hired anyone have you?"

"For sex?  Like a hooker?"

"Yes, like a hooker."

"No, Susan, no hookers, no strippers, I have never paid for sex, okay?"

"Not like Luka then?"

"Um...like Luka?"

"Lexi thinks Luka has...been with a prostitute at some point, she heard it...around."

"Okay.  I think I can only speak for me, and my answer is no, too high risk for me, never had the urge to hire a hooker."

"You know...you know about Luka, I can tell."

"Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies, please, let's not get into the Luka thing, whatever he and I talk about is private and I don't grill you about what Lexi says. Let's not and say we didn't."

"Kind of like the whole thing with the exes, don't ask don't tell."

"Right.  Maybe you should take me home and..."

"Don't say it."  Susan turned in his arms.  "Do not say another word, but...when we get home, I think you need a time out."

"Not quite what I was hoping for."

"Oh, you might just like it."  Susan winked at him, tucking her arm around his waist.  "But first, I think we need to call our friends and celebrate their engagement."


	43. Chapter 43

John was feeling pretty lucky, Susan's reaction to the whole Harper and Debbie thing was not what he expected, at all.  She took it in stride, later admitting _she_ was kind of worried to admit to him that she had ever been with a woman.

"It doesn't bother you that I was with a woman?"  She seemed a bit hesitant to ask, even though it was years ago...many many years ago.

"Not at all, it's not that unusual Susan, you think I would get all weird about it?  Seriously?  I can hardly judge you, and I wouldn't, not after what I've done."

"What you've done?"

" _Two_ women?"  He raised an eyebrow at her.

"Right, don't remind me, _you_ are a freak."  Susan joked lovingly, she herself had been so...surprised?  Shocked?  Amazed?   His revelation had thrown her for a loop she had not known quite how to respond at first, then she realized _that_ was the big secret?  John Carter...not the goody two shoes she had once thought he was...but of course while she was in Phoenix she obviously missed a lot...affair with a surgeon, affair with a much older woman and a much younger woman, the drug addiction, and a whole lot else.  She was sure his relationship with Harper was part of it as well, Susan was a bit curious now about exactly what the two of them had gotten up to in Europe...though maybe not _that_ curious.  She didn't think she wanted to hear all the gory details but someday...it might just come out, like the whole _Darfur_ thing as she was now thinking of it as.

"Ah, a lot of people would disagree, I know it's not on every guys fantasy list, but I would bet if you took a poll, a lot of guys would be willing, even if they have never actually done it.  But thanks honey, I accept the label willingly, hmmm, now what should we label you?"

"You know I still love you.  I was angry about the lying, but as you pointed out, it was more Debbie's lie, you didn't say it, she did, so I can't be mad and it was before us so again...I am not going to be mad about it. You continually surprise me though, all those years I thought you were so...good or something and it turns out you are really not.  Kind of sexy."

"So I should have just shown you my evil twin years ago?  Now you tell me."  He joked lightly, pulling her in for a kiss and cupping her belly with both hands.  "You look beautiful by the way."

"Thank you, you look pretty good yourself...and I think _naughty_ twin is more accurate, you are a very naughty boy apparently." Susan rested her hands over his, leaning up for another kiss.  She was feeling great, happy that they were meeting Luka and Lexi to celebrate their engagement, then staying overnight at the Langham.  John had also booked a room for Luka and Lexi as a treat.

"So how did you swing the whole room thing?  Don't they have Joe quite a bit?"

"Yeah, I um...asked Abby if she would beg Luka to have Joe overnight."

"You asked Abby?  Does she know what is going on?"  Susan's eyes widened slightly, she was very surprised that John had gone to Abby.

"Sure she does, I mean, she knows they're engaged, having a baby, Luka told her right?  She's not thrilled that he's moving on so quick, but she was pretty good about the request to take Joe for an extra night, I don't think she gets him as much as she'd like..  I just...asked her nicely and she agreed, she's not a terrible mother or person and she is on track with her meetings, not drinking or anything.  Joe will be safe and Luka gets a nice night in a hotel with Lexi to celebrate their engagement."

"How do you know?  About Abby I mean?"

"I asked her, Susan.  Not that big a deal, not like I didn't already know she was an alcoholic, and I pay attention when we are working together, I can spot the signs.  She's been doing okay for a while now.  She took a bit of advice I gave her a while back."

"Which is?"

"Go see a private therapist instead of dragging herself to all those damn meetings.  That was the worst part of recovery, you get sick of them pretty damn quick, I had to got to them for months, part of my 'get back to work contract'.  I was forced to go, and I suppose they helped, but...I also went to talk to someone privately after Joshua died, I needed to, after Kem left, I was...a wreck, an emotional mess, a basket case, whatever you want to call it."  

He shrugged, trying to lighten what he was saying, but in truth, he was teetering on the edge and throwing himself into work only went so far to help him recover.  He felt very alone at the time, Kem had said she loved him, but he had not understood her need to leave, and he needed to deal with the overwhelming emotions, the loss, the devastation really.  He had learned he had to reach out and ask for help, and he finally did.

Susan pondered that for a moment.

"You know I saw a therapist after Chloe took Susie away, then I dove into work to keep my mind off things.  I have to say it helped, talking to someone impartial.  Still, I am surprised Abby would be that open with you about it."

"I'm not, we used to talk about it a lot, and...I guess working together again we have managed to put a lot of stuff aside, we talk a bit more now, it's been a long time since we broke up.  I am going to say something, but it is not something to share with Lexi, okay?"

"Of course not, I don't tell her everything John, I have boundaries too."

"I know, it's just...Abby is struggling a bit, and I've been trying to help her stay on track.  We go for coffee once in a while, it's been hard for her to see Luka move on so quickly and Joe is about all she has.  Her mom and Eric are both in other states, and she is not that close with them.  Her having Joe a bit more is good for her, she's trying."

"So you two are friends again."

"Yes, we always have been, though we weren't all that close for quite a long time, but...that day she came to talk, you were out taking Lexi to the train, we had a lot to say and it kind of cleared the air a bit.  I'm not going to get into it, just to say that she will always be a friend, though I can't see hanging out like we used to, I do want to see her stay sober."

Susan was not sure she was thrilled, but on the other hand, she knew there was nothing between John and Abby, nothing to be worried about anyway.  Abby was protective of John in some ways, Susan could tell Abby still cared about him, a lot, but on the other hand she knew that her marriage was strong.  Abby had been a friend of hers too at one point, and John had a point, Abby was going through a bad patch and could probably use the support.  It was one of the things she loved about him, he was generally a kind and caring person, he was not going to let her sink, it was in his nature to help people.  Abby was alone, really, both Susan and John knew what that was like, how easy it was to slip in despair...maybe John knew it better than she did even, he had been through some hugely emotional losses over the past few years.

"Of course you do.  You know, she almost took my head off that day we found out I was pregnant, she thought the worst of me?  She was pretty angry when she thought I cheated on you.  She hates me, you know, she still is suspicious of me, I wonder if she thinks this baby is not yours."

"Typical Abby, she is a bit like a mother hen sometimes, don't let it get to you, she knows she was wrong, I told her we'd talked and everything was fine.  She will get over it, Susan, perhaps when she gets over the Luka and Lexi thing it will be easier, but not like you have to see her much."

"No, I don't.  Funny we used to be friends, but even then she wasn't all that open, she never talked much about you when we were out, or Luka either for that matter."

"Wow, what a surprise."  John didn't sound at all surprised, he tried to keep his sarcasm in check, Susan didn't deserve it, it was more directed at Abby anyway.  "She's not open that way, I mean, you three were going out for girls nights and she didn't tell you she was an alcoholic.  Let's not get into that, okay?"

"Right, not the best conversation, but noted, you have coffee with Abby, that's fine, I am not worried about it.  Glad she is getting help.  Have you thought about going back again?  To therapy?"

"Are you saying _I_ need help?"  John gave her an amused glance, then became more serious as he noted she was not smiling and not joking either.  "Ah, right.  You think I should go and talk about it."

They both knew which _it_ he was referring to without anything else said.

"Well, you should, John.  I'm not a therapist and there is a lot you haven't said, and maybe I am not the person to tell it to anyway.  Then there is the whole thing with your dad, I don't want to ruin our night, but...you haven't really talked about him much either.  I'm willing to listen, but sometimes I think you don't want to tell me, and that's okay, but you should try and deal with it.  I know you still wake up at 2 am almost every morning and wander around for about an hour before you come back to bed...not normal John."

"It is for me, I have done it for years."  Or at least since Lucy died, though he was not going to say that to Susan.  Truth was, he knew he needed to talk to someone, soon, the whole thing with Aaron had given him nightmares...repressed memories coming to the surface, things he had thought were well buried, but maybe they weren't.  Susan was noticing, and if she was on to him, then it was time to admit to himself that he was not handling things all that well.

"But you don't know why, there is something behind it, and it has been more frequent lately, especially after the whole thing with Aaron.  Sorry, I shouldn't be pushing you about this, maybe we should talk about it later."  Susan was worried that he was going to get upset with her and it was going to ruin the evening, but he surprised her yet again.

"Maybe I should go back and talk to them, or at least try.  Point taken, and you are right, the not sleeping thing is not a good sign."

Susan was nonplussed that he gave in so easily, but she would take it.  So not typical of him, he tended to deny things, so maybe he already knew it was a problem?

"Make an appointment next week, it's been a couple months since you've slept through the night, I have to get up a couple times a night to pee, so you can't even pretend, I wake up and you aren't there.  I miss you when you aren't in bed when I wake up."

"Okay, I will, I promise.  Now can we go out and have fun with our friends?  No more serious talk okay?"

"Deal."  Susan was not going to belabour the point, she had won this round, and without any fight from him, time to let it go.

* * *

 

 John pulled up in front of the restaurant, walking around to help Susan out of the car as he handed the valet his keys.  

"Almost need a crane to get me out of the front seat, but I still love this car."  Susan felt a bit awkward, but John was smooth at getting her in and out of the car.

"I hardly ever get to drive it anymore, and a few more weeks, we won't be taking it anywhere."

"I suppose not, I don't think even one of the kids has been in sports car."

"Cosmo has, remember?  Several times, I used to drive it to Des Moines all the time.  But the others?  Only before they were born, not set up very well for carseats."  He placed a proprietary hand on her back, escorting her through the doors.  Lexi and Luka came in just behind them, having valeted Luka's car.

"This is nice, we haven't had a chance to go out like this as a group, it has been more casual stuff, like the pub."  Lexi commented just after they were seated.  She looked around a bit in awe, glad she had gone dress shopping with Susan.  The restaurant was very upscale, Luka seemed at ease, as did John and Susan, but she rarely had anyone take her to places like this.

"No, but it's a nice treat."  Susan gave her friends hand a squeeze across the table.  "Might be the last time for a while, you and I are going to be extra busy in a couple months."

Lexi rubbed her growing belly.  "I know, this is exciting, having babies at the same time."

The waiter came by and they all ordered drinks and appetizers. They finally ordered meals and Susan and Lexi both excused themselves for a ladies room visit.

"I will never figure out why women have to go in pairs, I mean...guys don't generally time it."  Luka watch their backs disappear into the bathroom.

"I don't know, I don't even bother trying to figure some of the stuff out anymore.  There will always be something a bit mysterious about women, that is what makes them so appealing."  John sipped his drink.

"Good plan...they do surprise you sometimes, like how you are still alive after admitting the whole thing with Debbie and Harper.  Just how did you dodge that bullet?"  Luka raised a brow at him.

"I am still not quite sure, I think maybe I shocked her into silence...she was surprised to say the least but so calm about it once the reality seemed to sink in.  I guess I am forgiven because it happened long before she and I got together, and it is not like I did anything unnatural."

"No I suppose not."  Luka laughed.  "You continually surprise me, Carter, here I thought I was the rebel, but I have some competition in that regard.  At least Lexi doesn't know some of the stuff I've done."

"Don't be so sure about that...Susan said a couple things to me...word gets around?  She may have accepted some of it, but don't assume she doesn't know about it."  John saw the look on Luka's face.  "Don't even, I didn't say a word, Susan brought it up and I said nothing aside from 'I don't know' and 'Lexi should ask Luka if she wants to find out'."

"She still agreed to marry me."

"It's in the past Luka, you are not cheating on her, that is the deal breaker, if you did it now she would string you up by your balls, don't kid yourself."

"I don't cheat, John, I may not be innocent, but I care about Lexi and my child, I won't do that to her."

"I know, Luka, you don't have to convince me."

Susan and Lexi returned just as dinner came out from the kitchen, and the rest of the meal went smoothly.  Towards the end, John pulled an envelop out of his jacket and handed it to the couple.

"A little treat, on us."

"You already treated us to the meal, John, and now there's more?"

"A little birds told me you have the night to yourselves, so, you should enjoy it."

Luka opened the envelop, catching the card key as it fell out.

"A room key?  At the Langham?"

"Yes, Susan and I go there when we need a getaway inside the city, in fact we are staying there tonight...on a different floor, but...anyway, enjoy." 

"Thank you, that is amazing.  Isn't that place really fancy?"  Lexi looked over at Susan.

"It's very nice, you'll like it.  We've stayed there a few times, in fact we stayed there the night we got engaged."  Susan could not help but smile, remembering their night together in the suite.  She was looking forward to another night something like it tonight, keeping her husband up all night, no need to be quiet.

* * *

 

After dinner, they said their good nights, John wanted the couple to be able to go and enjoy the room.  He had plans too, he and Susan had not had a not of alone time, and it was going to get even harder after the new baby was born.  He handed her into the car, even though it was only a few blocks to the hotel, he thought they might go for a bit of a drive first.

It was still a warm evening, the fall was hotter than usual this year, and John opted to take her to an overview of the lake, a bit out of town, totally quiet and private.

"This is nice, John, what made you think of it?"  

They were leaning on the hood of the car, looking out over the lake, the moonlight hitting the water, the breeze warm.

"I don't know, haven't been up here in years, it's such a nice view, so quiet, nice to be away from the city, even though it's not really away from the city if you get me."

"I like it.  We have a lot of changes coming in our life."  Susan caressed her belly, knowing it was going to get a lot bigger in the next couple of months.

"We do, thankfully this time it's just one baby.  Do you want to find out if it's a boy or a girl on the next ultrasound?"

"Yes, I kind of do.  I know Lexi is having a girl, I do want to know.  Then I have to tell her we're moving, that we bought a new house."

John slid an arm around her, then turned her slightly.  "You know, if you look through those trees, our new place is about....there."  He pointed.  "It's a big change I know, but, you are going to love it, each kid will have their own room, we'll have a couple guest rooms, a yard.  Wow, so strange, I never thought I would end up living out in that area again, but it just works."

"Maybe because a couple years ago you never thought you would have six kids.  Crazy, we have six kids between us with this new little person.  Not all the time mind you, but Cosmo is around a lot, does that bother you?"

"Never, he's a great kid Susan, if Chuck is too stupid to see what he is missing, it is his loss and your gain, you get him 90% of the time.  It's fine, we have room for all of them."  John leaned in and gently kissed her lips, brushing back her hair, moving down to her neck.  "I love you."

"I know, I love you too."  Susan returned the kiss, wrapping her arms around him.  "It's so private and quiet out here."  

She nibbled on his neck, running her hands down, rubbing the front of his pants.

"It's very private."  John whispered in her ear.  "Hardly anyone comes out here."

He ran his hands up her smooth legs, pulling her towards him, kissing across her collarbone, as she ran her fingers through his hair, letting herself get lost in his arms.  John loosened off his tie, tossing it over the top into the front seat, then shrugged off his suit jacket, laying it out on the hood of the car.  He lifted her, seating her on his jacket. Susan reclined, bringing him in closer, working the buttons of his shirt, feeling the pop and hearing the patter as she yanked too hard.

"Easy there." He laughed as the buttons gave way, her warm hands on his chest.

"Sorry." Susan started working on his belt buckle, not sorry at all really, the buttons were too fiddly, taking too long, she wanted to feel his warm skin. Her hands were seeking, finding what she was looking for, stroking his silky skin, making him moan against her neck.

" _Susan_." John pushed her dress up, finding her lacy thong, working it down over her thighs as their exchange became more heated, more passionate.  He slid down, exposing her to the warm night, leaning in to give her an intimate kiss.

" _John_."  Susan pushed her hips up against his seeking mouth, his nibbling and sucking making her squirm, she let herself sink back on the hood, head tipped back, her eyes at half mast, his hand stroking her hips as she gasped, arching her back, balling her hands up in the lining of his jacket.  " _Oh_ _John_."

His hands were moving up, a gentle kiss on her belly, then his lips on hers, sharing the sweetness, his arms pulling her to him as their bodies joined.  She opened her eyes, letting her hands brush across his face, one entwining in his hair, the other moving around his back, under his open shirt to feel the warm expanse of flesh as they moved in unison.  Their hands were never still, constantly moving, touching, stroking as they loved each other, their tongues dancing, their lips meeting, the finale an explosion of light and colour dancing before her eyes as they clung to each other.

John inhaled deeply, trying to bring his breathing under control, his knees feeling a little weak as he kissed her.  Finally he felt able to support his whole weight again, helping her adjust her dress, bringing her to her feet as she wobbled slightly.

"Wow, that was something else."  Susan giggled, feeling giddy as he fixed his clothing best he could, minus the buttons she'd ripped off his shirt.

He leaned back against the hood again, pulling her to lean against him, his arms secure and warm.

"I think we need to rename you ripper, those buttons are lost forever."  He caressed her neck, pushing aside the tendrils of hair that had escaped from her undo.

"You weren't complaining at the time."

"No, that was...kind of hot." His nibbled the nape of her neck.

"Not kind of... _totally_ , you can do that anytime."  Susan relaxed into his embrace, loving that they still spiced things up with the unexpected...and that had been unexpected, zero to 60 in seconds, his ability to get her going anytime and anywhere still stunned her sometimes.

"So, we have a room waiting for us...shall we go, or did you want to just make out again the car."  He nibbled on her ear lobe.

"Hm, tough choice, but I think I would like...that big soft cozy bed, easier to take advantage of my husband there, especially with this belly."

He nodded, helping her back into the car, stopping at the front to collect his jacket, bending down to pick up something before tucking it into his pocket.  He popped the trunk, switching shirts quickly before putting his jacket on.

"Like a boy scout.  Did you find me some panties too?  I think we lost them."

He reached into his pocket, holding up the scrap of lace on one finger.  "These perhaps?"

"Mhmm, but perhaps you should keep those for now, maybe I don't really need any at the moment."

He just laughed and tucked them back in his pocket, starting the car and backing up quickly, soon pulling back out onto the main road.  Susan reached over and stroked the back of his neck, leaning back into the cushy leather seat with a slight smile tugging her lips.  He was unpredictable, this man of hers, and she loved it.

* * *

I cannot believe Banfield talked you into covering a couple shifts...again."  Susan watched as John scooped up a fussing Ava off the living room floor.

"They lost one of the new Attending already, I guess they didn't have quite the experience to handle the level of trauma that comes in.  Don't worry, it's a short shift, 8 instead of 12, Elise is here, and I will try my best not to be late."  He shifted Ava, then pulled her in for a hug.  "You get in a nap okay, I know you didn't sleep well last night."

He let her rest her head on his chest, her belly pushing up against his stomach.

"I'm so tired John, but when I try to sleep the baby is doing gymnastics, then I am irrational and angry half the day.  I will try and get some rest, I know it's only a few more weeks and this little one is coming out."

"Come on."  He entwined her fingers with his, leading her upstairs, pushing her towards their room before taking Ava in and tucking her into bed.  He returned to help her get settled, tucking pillows around so she was propped up comfortably.

"Thank you, sorry I am such a beast, I'm just tired.  I don't know what is going to happen, I still have three months left until this baby is born, and you are going to want to divorce me soon."

"No honey, I understand, I do, just get some rest.  Call if you need anything, leave a message the desk if I'm in a trauma, you know the number."

"Thanks baby,"

John leaned in and gave her a kiss, then bent to kiss her belly.  "Let your mommy get some rest, be good in there."

Susan laughed tiredly.  "Like that will help, what are you going to do if your little monkey doesn't let me sleep."

"I have no idea. No ice cream?"

"Hey, that's not fair!"  Susan grumbled slightly.  "I'm the one who craves the ice cream."

"Sleep.  I love both of you."  He gave her another kiss and rubbed her belly before quietly closing the door, and treading quietly downstairs.  "Elise?"

"I know John, I will check on her in a bit."  She came out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a towel.

"Are you sure you are okay with the overtime?  I am not going to take anymore shifts for a while, Susan just seems overwhelmed all the time, she is not sleeping well at all.  Either that or we are going to need to bring in more help.  How are you holding up?  I don't want to take you for granted or overwork you...the kids are a challenge."

"I'm fine, the babies are all down now, and you said the neighbour is going to walk Cosmo home with his friend?  Go to work, we will be fine and I'll call if we have a meltdown."

"If Susan has a meltdown you mean?  What do you think?  Mint chip?  Chocolate swirl?  Cookie dough?"  

"I'd like the cookie dough, but Susan would like Macaron and maybe some of that amazing chicken from Dominics."

"Why don't you order some in for her, and something for you too?  I will pick up the ice cream and great idea for Susan, she needs a bit of pampering.  Maybe I'll phone Lexi and have her come over, we should get her some of that amazing chicken too.  Have them put it on Susan's card."  John dug in her purse and pulled out the credit card.  "Any issues, call me right?  Use the ER desk number, if I'm in a trauma I can't grab my cell."

"Of course, don't worry, I'm fine, I got to sleep all night last night because I went home."

"Rub it in."  John gave her a smile, it was wearing but they were over halfway there now, 24 weeks and counting.

John finally left the house, walking the couple blocks to the L, almost glad to be out of the house for a while.  Susan was struggling and keeping him awake, she seemed to have more discomfort this round, maybe the baby just had more room to move in there by themselves.

He reached the ambulance bay in time to take in the next trauma, going right to Trauma 1.  

"Joining us are you Carter?"  Abby walked in.  "Need help?"

"Airway?"  He was assessing the patient quickly and efficiently, getting them stabilized and off to the OR quickly.

"What have we got going on up here?"  He went to admit, Morris handing him a chart.

"Can you take an abdominal pain in Exam 2?"

"Sure why not."  He could see Jerry giving him a really big grin, the desk clerk was almost beside himself with glee.  "What's up there Jerry?  Win the lottery?"

"Nope, noooo, just...never mind."

John frowned at Jerry, the guy could get mighty strange sometimes, he was not even sure he wanted to know.  Chuny trailed him as he walked into the room, stopping short at the woman on the gurney, then looked at the chart again, double checking the name, but he had not misread it, Roxanne Michelson, her name had changed.  "Roxanne?"

"John?  I didn't know you still worked her. I'd heard you left Chicago."  She grimaced slightly.

"I did for a while, now I'm back, I just fill in once in a while.  Um, do you want a different doctor?"  He looked over and of course it had to be Chuny in the room with him, she was smirking at him and now he knew why Jerry was acting so weird, they'd set him up, Jerry used to fawn over Roxanne, gave him hell when they'd broken up as shortly after Roxanne had stopped coming in to the ER.

"No, just make it stop, I don't want to wait anymore."

"Okay.  Anyone we can call for you?"

"No.  Ouch, that hurts."  

John had her lay back and he checked her belly, pressing gently.

"Chuny, CBC, Chem 7, UA and check an icon?  Any chance you might be pregnant?"  

"Hey, don't I know you?"  Roxanne was frowning at Chuny.  

"Roxanne?  Do you think you're pregnant?"

"No way, no how.  We are very careful." Roxanne was adamant.  "Anyways. Ron got a vasectomy five years ago."

"When was your last period?"  John made a note on the chart

"That's kind of personal to be asking a girl, John."  Roxanne flirted with him weakly.

John could see Chuny rolling her eyes at the woman's sad attempt at humour.

"Um, yeah, but right now I'm your doctor, so...when was your last period?"  

"Don't remember."

"Okay then.  I am going to do a quick ultrasound, and...we are going to need a pelvic, we need to find the source of the pain.  Are you _sure_ you don't want another doctor?"

"Oh come on, you've seen it, just get it over with."  Roxanne raised an eyebrow.  "Getting shy are we?"

"Nope, just wanted to make sure you were comfortable with it, not like I haven't done a million of them.  Chuny can you set it up and I will be back in a couple minutes?" He made notes on the chart and stepped out, Chuny following him with her lab samples.

"Fun one, hey Carter?  Checking out the ex?"

"Whatever Chuny, you heard her, she doesn't care, I haven't seen her in like...10 years. Though I kind of wish she would agree to a different doctor, it might be more comfortable for her.  Who's around?"

"Abby. Morris went for a break, Gates just went in to see another patient."  

John could tell Chuny was enjoying this almost as much as Jerry...Abby, that would be just great, the ex girlfriend examining the other ex girlfriend...or he had to do it.

He grabbed another chart, scanned it, then went to see his next patient, getting the labs started, then went back to Roxanne.  Chuny had the tray set up, and she stood by while he started the exam.

"You can go, you know, he doesn't need a guardian."  Roxanne lay back as he took the swabs.  "Not like he hasn't seen it more than once."

"It's hospital policy, Roxanne, she does need to be here."  John wanted this to just be over with, it felt awkward, despite the amount of time since they'd dated, Roxanne was making it difficult.   "I'm going to check your ovaries now, just relax."

John did the exam, he was suspecting Roxanne was very wrong about no chance of being pregnant, her uterus was slightly enlarged, but John was also thinking ectopic at this point, given the type of pain she was exhibiting.

"Mm, gentle touch, didn't hurt a bit.  You always had great hands."  

John snuck a look at Chuny who was grinning like a loon, then he pushed back, snapping off his gloves.  

"All right, let's do that ultrasound.  The gel can be a bit cool."  He went to squeeze some on, and Roxanne watched his hands.  

"You're married?  Or do you just wear that to keep the girls off you at work?"  She reached out and ran her finger down his left hand, touching the gold band on his ring finger.

"I'm married, Roxanne, have been for quite a while.  So are you I take it."  He subtly moved his hand, breaking her contact with him, running the wand over her belly, stopping a couple times to examine things further.

"Really.  If you have a wife, what's her name?"

"Susan."

"What does she do?"

"She's a doctor."

"Of course she is...are you sure her name isn't Lucy?"

"Pretty sure her name is Susan, it was last time I checked."  

"Two doctors, I'm still doing investments and insurance, you should come talk to me."

"I don't think so Roxanne, my investments are well taken care of."

Chuny could see he was quickly getting annoyed with Roxanne, but she smirked at the comment about his investments, did Roxanne not know who she was talking to?  Did she ever really know Carter when she dated him?  Maybe not, he'd been living in Weaver's basement when they dated and he was private about his finances.  She was flirting rather boldly with him though, and she'd brought up Lucy, which she noted Carter did not react to whatsoever.

"Hmmm, Roxanne?"

"What?"

"You're pregnant."  He said this flatly, not the first time a woman had lied, and in her case...Ron had a vasectomy.  Well, he knew from experience, that didn't mean much.

"What?  No chance, don't tease, it's not funny."

"Not joking Roxanne, by this you are about...10 weeks."  He turned the screen.  "Right here, this is the heartbeat."

"Cannot be...please don't tell Ron."

"Who's Ron?"

"My husband?  He is going to flip out."

"Ah, here is the source of the pain, you have an ectopic along with a normal pregnancy.  We are going to have to schedule you in right away for surgery to remove it or it could burst or become septic."

"That's bad right?"

"Very bad, it can kill you, so...we are going to send you upstairs.  You don't want your husband to know?"

"No way."

John sat on the stool and made a couple notes.  "We won't tell him, medical information is private so...you have a viable pregnancy, they can remove the ectopic and in most cases the other pregnancy can be maintained."

"So they just remove the one baby."

"The one that attached in the tube, yes.  Sometimes you have two eggs released, in this case one made it to the uterus, and one didn't.  The one in the tube is still growing, but doesn't have room, that is why you are experiencing pain now."

"They don't take both of them out?"

"They don't have to, no.  Just the one that is in the tube, that one unfortunately has to be terminated, but the other one looks like it is developing normally, so you can still have one baby, the risks to the one in the uterus are pretty minimal with the surgery."

"I don't want it."

"Are you sure?  Do you want to talk to someone about it first?"

"Don't try to talk me into it John."

"I'm not, it's your choice...it's just, are you sure you don't want to talk to your husband?   It's a huge decision."

"So I should go somewhere else?  You won't help me?"

John held the chart on his lap, looking over at Roxanne.

"I would not advise waiting, the ectopic needs to be dealt with right away.  If you don't want to have the baby, then we can request they terminate the pregnancy for you while you are in for the ectopic.  I just don't want you to rush into a decision, do you have any questions?"

"No, I had an abortion quite a few years ago, I know the drill.  I don't want kids, and neither does Ron, that's why he got a vasectomy...it's not his, okay?  We're having issues, and...don't judge me."

"Roxanne, I'm not judging you, at all, okay?  If you don't want the baby, then don't have it, we can ask OB to terminate the pregnancy and remove the ectopic, they will do it if it is safe for you.  But, if you want to talk to someone first, we can get someone for you to talk to.  It does not have to be me, it obviously makes you uncomfortable to be telling me this stuff, so maybe I should have someone else come in for you."

"No, I know you, just tell me if there is anything I need to be concerned about."  The fight drained out of her quickly at his words.

He quickly ran down the risks of terminating, letting her know complications were rare but she needed to do it right away if she was going to, given he was dating the pregnancy at 10 weeks.  He also warned her that if OB disagreed and he was off with the dates, given she didn't know the dates of her last period, they might not want to terminate, it may be too late.

"John?  If it was your baby would you want to know?"

"Roxanne, you have to make a decision that is right for you, my opinion doesn't matter here."

"But...I know, I haven't seen you in forever, but...as a friend, can you tell me?  Would you want to know?"

"That you're pregnant?  Or that you are terminating?  I don't know Roxanne, you have to decide whether the father of your child would want to know about the child, if he would want to have it, or if he would prefer you didn't.  Tough call, there can be some strong emotions over the issue, it is not an easy decision."

"Yeah it is, I don't want to have a baby, I have never wanted to have a baby, I've always been careful but we weren't just the one time."

"One time is all it takes, you know that.  I am going to call OB down to talk to you, they will go over the risks again and take another look at the baby.  They are the one who will do the surgery, okay?"

"Thanks.  John?"

Yes?"

"Do you have kids?"

"Yes, I do."

"Really?"

"Why so surprised?"

"I don't know, it's just...when we were dating you never talked about kids."

"I was a resident Roxanne, and we didn't date that long, not nearly long enough to be discussing having kids."

"So you wanted a baby?"

"Yes, I did, when the time was right, and I was with the right person.  Sorry, I have other patients waiting, but I will check in on you later, okay?  OB should be in soon, and they will take you upstairs."  

John left the room, absorbing what she'd said...she'd had an abortion years ago?  Now she was anxious to get rid of another child.  He was glad he had ended it with her when he did, she was a hard woman if she thought it was an easy decision to terminate a pregnancy.

* * *

John kept himself busy for the next while, he had asked Chuny to keep an eye on Roxanne until OB came down to get her.  He was walking across to the lounge when Harper came flying through the doors.  She bounded across the ER, throwing herself into his arms, jumping and wrapping around him, giving him a huge kiss.

"I got it."  She squealed.

"Um, Harper?"  John was trying to disengage her, but she had gotten the full attention of the entire ER, including Roxanne who was being wheeled to the elevators.

"His wife?"  She asked Chuny.

"Uh no, that is _not_ his wife."

"I see, awfully friendly isn't she, for someone who is not his wife?"

"Oh, you have no idea.  Good thing his wife didn't see that, she might kill him, as hormonal as she is at the moment."

"I'd kill him if he was my husband."  Roxanne gave her head a shake as she watched him peel off the perky, attractive blond.  "Some things never change, still has women crawling all over him."

"Harper, that's a little too friendly."  He whispered as he put her down.  "Got what?"

"The job...I got the job silly."

"Seriously?  Wow, that's great!"  He steered her to the lounge, pulling her in.

Jerry was watching with a grin on his face.  "Got to love hot ex girlfriend day in the ER.  Carter has all the luck."

* * *

John gave Harper a hug when they were inside the lounge, pulling back quickly as the door opened.  Abby walked in nonchalantly, having seen the greeting she gave him by the admit desk.  She could not help it, she was suspicious of Harper, she felt protective of Carter, kind of like she had felt protective of Luka when she felt Nicole was trying to take advantage of him.

"So Johnson or Kennedy?"  He tried to ignore Abby, but he could see her pointed stares, the whole ER had seen Harper jump him, and he was going to be facing comments for the rest of his shift...which was only a couple hours in, another long 6 hours.

"Johnson."

"Carter, MVA pulling in."

"Coming.  Can you hang around for a few?  We need to talk."  He looked over.  "Abby?  You on break?"

"No."

"Might need you."  He gave Harper a quick squeeze.  "I am so proud of you."

"Can I borrow some money?  I left my wallet in the car."  She whispered in his ear as let her go.

"Help yourself." He rattled off his locker combination quickly.

He bolted out the door, meeting the gurney coming in the ambulance bay.  Abby followed him, glancing over at Harper as she left, the blond woman meeting her stare with a slight knot between her brows.

* * *

 

"Give me the bullet Zadro."

The paramedic started to spout out the stats as John worked on the patient.

Abby kept looking at him as she put in the chest tube.

"Harper is kind of friendly."  She said in her best 'I'm just looking out for you voice'.

"Uh huh.  Jenny, you are going to intubate.  Right, sweep the tongue to the side, you've got it.  Visualize the cords, and pass it through. Great job."  He listened to the patient's chest.  "Good breath sounds.  Take a listen, that is exactly what it should sound like."

"Carter."

"What do you need Abby?"  He looked over at her, seeing she was taping a tube in place.  "Abby?  Something going on over there?"

"No, but something was going on in the lounge."

"What?"

"Come on Carter...Johnson or Kennedy?  Naming your next child?"

"Abby, shut it, now."  He narrowed his eyes at her, knowing this was about Harper and not the patient at all.

"Someone need a surgical consult?"  Dale Edson walked in with a surgical resident on his heels and Carter almost rolled his eyes, this day was getting better and better.

"Nope, you can just take him, he's ready to go up."  Carter snapped off his gloves and ripped off his gown, signing the chart quickly.  "Here you go Dale."

"Take him up, Garrison, get him prepped and I will be right up."  

The room emptied quickly, leaving Edson, Carter and Abby.  Carter turned to go out the door.

"Carter."  Edson grabbed his arm.  "What is this I hear about Harper being in town?"

Carter shook off his hand.  "Wow, news travels fast doesn't it?  When did you come back to County?"

"Oh, I'm just filling in for a bit.  So is it true, you were making out with Harper in the middle of the ER?  Since when did you keep in touch with her."

"Since a while Dale, and I wasn't making out with her in the middle of the ER.  She came to see me, we've been in touch for years."

"Really, that's a surprise.  Can I have her number?  You do have her number right?"

"I do, and no.  But I will let her know you asked about her, and if she's interested she can call you, okay?"

"Come on Carter...John.  Why won't you give me her number, I hear you're married...getting a little Harper on the side?  Is that it?"

"Shut up Dale, you have no idea what you are talking about.  Go back upstairs and take care of your patient."  He brushed Dale off and left.

"Touchy."  Dale watched him go, then looked over at Abby.  "Is she still here?"

"In the lounge last I saw...why are you hounding him about Harper?"

"Oh long story.  John and I don't see eye to eye on most things, Harper being one of them.  He dated her for months back when he was a medical student, long, long story."  Dale smirked and then left the room.

* * *

 John had just got out to admit when Gates hauled Harper out of the lounge, bringing her up to the desk.

"Hey boss, this one was digging in your locker...she had your wallet."

"Okay.  You can let the little criminal go Gates, I know her."

"She was taking money out of your wallet."

"Uh huh.  I told her she could borrow some, she doesn't have her wallet with her.  Are we making a federal case or are you going to let her go?"  Carter relieved Gates of his wallet as Harper straightened her jacket.

"Little criminal?"  She smirked.

"Yeah, you are trouble with a capital T."  He pulled out some bills and held them out.

"Oh, I got some already."  She slid her hand into her jacket holding up the bills.  "I was going to get you something too."

"Thanks."

Gates looked at the two. 

"Not going to ask what he wants?"

Harper raised an eyebrow, giving Abby a look.

"Nope, _I_ know what he likes."  She gave a little wave and walked out the door.

Abby shook her head and rolled her eyes, knowing that Harper was baiting her.

* * *

 John sighed, Abby and her big mouth, now people thought there was something going on in the lounge, then Gates catches Harper with his wallet and she had to make the crack about knowing what he liked.  Jerry had been ribbing him about that one, the guy was already overjoyed to learn he had to do a pelvic on Roxanne.

He stripped off his gown and gloves from the latest trauma, the rumour mill was in full gossip mode.  Harper came back with a couple of cups and a bag, dragging him out of the ER.

"Break time John, I have to catch a flight back to Germany...though I guess they won't leave without me, since I'm the copilot."

"I bet not."  He sipped from his cup.  "Thanks for the comment there, classic, Harper, Jerry has been going on about and I will probably be hearing for the rest of the shift.  That on top of Roxanne showing up, it has been a day from hell."

"Roxanne?"

"Oh, an ex, came into the ER, abdominal pain, and no other doctor to take her, but they set me up, Jerry, Gates and Chuny, knowing of course I would have to do a pelvic on her.  Geez guys, like get more creative."

"Oh wow, so you had to do a pelvic on your ex.  Which one was this?  Roxanne...oh no, Miss Tie Me Up Tie Me Down, right?  The kinky one?"

"Harper stop...but yeah, that's her. So it was either I just do it...or give her to Abby."

"Oh no, that's even better...hey Abby, do you mind examining this patient, I don't want to do it because I used to sleep with her?  What do you think she would have said?"

"I don't even want to think about it, not after you jump on me in the ER and then get caught with my wallet, followed by that comment about knowing what I like?"

"Sorry, it's just Abby looks at me like...she detests me."

"Well, she kind of does Harper, she knows...she did the math, she has it figured, you are the home wrecker, I went to you when my marriage was on the rocks and you got pregnant.  Then you act very...friendly with me in public which doesn't win any points with her.  Anyhow, enough about her, that's some news, NASA.  I always knew you could do it."

"Me too.  It was out of the blue, I applied a long time ago, and of course I have upgraded my degrees, the Air Force paid for it, so why not.  The flight hours were the real challenge, but of course I got those done a few years ago."

"When?"

"Next month.  I have to go back to Hahn for a bit, to pack and they are going to find me a replacement.  Of course my CO knows about the interviews, I had to get quite a bit of time off, and there was a ton of medical testing.  Good news is I am healthy, fully recovered from the MVA and they are not concerned."

They walked slowly along the river, both sipping from their cups.

"John?  I have a huge favour to ask."

"Like what?"

"Devon.  I am going to be in some serious training, and I might have to go up for 6 months, maybe longer."

"Like up?  You mean the space station?"

"Yeah, or a mission,  can you believe it?  So...I know this is not great timing, but...I might need you to take Dev for an extended period.  I want him to move to Chicago, and have you bring him to see me instead of having him live with me full time.  The next year is going to be hard core training and long hours."

"You want me to take Devon to live with me here?"

"Well, I still want to see him, but...this is the other part, trying to get out of Houston regularly might be difficult so I would need you to bring him down for me.  I think you and Susan can give him what he needs, for now anyway, if I have him he will be in daycare or with a nanny most of the time, if you take him then he will be with at least one of his parents."

"Wow Harper.  Of course I'll take him, and we can work out visitation, I am sure we can arrange to get him down to see you frequently.  Kind of like residency all over again, huh?"

"Kind of, except even more intense.  I knew you would understand, you really get it.  I'm torn John, this is so hard, I have always wanted this, but I have to leave Devon."

"You're not leaving him Harper, you will be away from him for a while, but it's not like you are going away and never planning to come back.  I'm his dad, so you have him stay with me for a while, you know it's something I've wanted, to have him in Chicago.  Of course I thought you'd be here too, but...this is a once in a lifetime opportunity Harper and if you don't do it, would you regret it later?"

"Probably...no not probably, _definitely_.  John, I _would_ regret it, but the choice is so hard.  My son is going to grow up without me here, but I've wanted to do this all my life."

"Harper, he is not going to grow up without you.  We will make it work, okay?  Visits?  Holidays when we can?  You can talk to him over video conferencing and on the phone.  If you want to do this, then do it.  You will be in Houston, it's only a short flight and if you get a chance to go up, then...they have ways right?  Link ups to talk to your family?"

"Yes, but it's not the same as being there.  You have to promise me John, that you will keep him safe for me, he's my angel, you know how much I love him, how much I wanted him."

"I know Harper, he's my son too, of course I will take good care of him.  Susan loves him, he will be with his brothers and sisters.  He's going to have a baby brother soon."

"Another boy?"

"Yeah, we found out last ultrasound.  He will be fine, he will be proud of you, for doing this, for living your dream.  You have worked so hard to get here, and I get it, I really do, I would be struggling with the decision if it were mine, but...do what you need to do and we will make it work.  I promise you Harper."

"Why did I give you up?"

John shrugged.  "You didn't love me like that Harper, you know it.  I wanted to be married, to have the family, and...I know you wanted a baby, but the husband?  Not so much right?  The sex yes, the husband no."

"I do you love you, so much. But you're happy, and I am starting a new adventure.  You are happy, right?"

"I'm very happy.  You don't need to worry about me, Harper, I love what I have, an amazing wife, a beautiful family...I have what I need, what I've always wanted.  It seems like you do too?"

"You know me John, I need to be having an adventure to be truly happy.  Maybe that is why things didn't work out with Derrick, I needed to be challenged, to be doing more with my life, and he was holding me down.  I don't know that he would be all that supportive of me doing this, but you are, I'm thankful you are being so good about this.  I know I was kind of selfish when I took Devon back to Germany.  The truth was, I could transfer to a closer base, but I don't like seeing you with Susan."

"Why?  You don't like her?"

"She's great John, she fits you really well.  It's just my jealous side, seeing you so happy with another woman is really hard.  The whole thing with Debbie?  You were right, in reality I didn't like it so much, seeing you with her and I know she and I went a little over the top, but I couldn't stop.  In hindsight, it was me preparing to let you go, I knew you were coming back to Chicago, though how you came back was kind of a surprise, but you were planning on leaving sooner or later.  Then our fun would be over, because I had my life there, and I wasn't sure if you were ready to move on with another woman."

"Right then?  Not really, but how it ended between us, I thought you didn't care, that it wasn't what you wanted.  You were so willing to basically give me to Debbie, I felt like...a possession Harper, the _way_ you did that really was not cool."

"I know, it was stupid, I just...didn't want you to end up going back to Kem, ending up in her arms when I knew she didn't deserve you.   She never deserved you John, but I should have just left it alone and I didn't.  We had something really great and I messed it up, and I'm sorry, I am really sorry I made you feel that way.  I didn't mean to, and I regret it, but...in the end you are with the woman you should be with.  She loves you, she understands you and she will be there when you need her.  Me?  I'm too selfish, I didn't even tell you about your child when I knew how much you wanted kids.  I took him back to Germany, even after you begged me not to take him so far away.  You have forgiven me for so much, and you can still stand there and tell me that you will do anything you can to make sure I don't lose my son.  You are far too good John."

"I'm not at all good Harper, I have my flaws like everyone else, but...life is too short.  We have a lot of history between us, and being stupid and petty is not the best thing for Devon.  I care about you and I always will, but of course what we had is over, I love Susan and I won't do anything to hurt her."

"I don't expect you to, I don't want to ruin your marriage.  I hope she will be okay with taking Devon and that she doesn't hate me too much."

"She doesn't hate you Harper.  She knows you're my wild child ex though, Debbie has a big mouth."

"Oh wow, Susan found out? About the Darfur thing?"

"Yeah, she did, but she was actually pretty cool about it.  She thought Debbie and I were together after she and I got together, but once I cleared it up, she was okay.  I think you living in another city is maybe a good thing, she doesn't hate you but I won't deny you worry her a bit."

"Women do not like me hanging around their husbands, I've noticed that, and Abby can't stand me.  She thinks I am going to jump you in one of the exam rooms or something, she is like a mother bear around you, so very strange how your ex girlfriends are so damn protective."

"You know she asked me in the middle of a trauma no less if we were choosing names for my next child...Johnson and Kennedy?"

"You have got to be kidding."  Harper started to laugh.  "I did kind of get a little overboard though, sorry, that was inappropriate to grab you like that at work, I bet the rumours are flying by now."

"Yes they are, and then you get caught 'stealing' money out of my wallet, that should be good for a few more miles out of the whole thing."

"The staff is nosy, but then they always were.  Hey, I have a flight, and you have work, so I will call you once I have some dates.  I am not sure if I can bring Dev over with me or if I might need you to get him in Germany?"

"Either way, let me know."

"Did _you_ get it?"

"Yeah I did, I just have to get in all my flight hours, and we take delivery of the plane in a couple weeks.  Guess I don't need it quite as much, but then again I did promise Susan some traveling, she has not seen much of Europe, just Paris and of course our summer trip there.  Now I guess we will be flying down to Houston a lot more."

"You going to let me fly it?"

"Maybe.  Or maybe I'll fly it and you can be my copilot.  I have to have a few more supervised flight hours."

"Either way, I want to have a chance to fly it.  Come on, you know I'm good."

"I know that, and we'll talk.  Maybe I should come and pick you up in Germany, we can fly it back.  Except of course we need someone to take care of Devon and I guess we'll see right?  Oh by the way?  Dale is back and heard you were here...he wants your phone number."

"You didn't did you?"

"No, I wasn't sure, so he gave me his number to pass on to you, and you can call him or not."

"Not I think, he was a real weasel that guy."

* * *

John arrived back in time to take another trauma, he spent an extra hour helping clear the board to make up for his time away with Harper.

"So...first Roxanne and the Harper."  Chuny grinned at him saucily, her voice suggestive.

"Oh stop Chuny, Roxanne?  Please, she is as annoying now as she was back then."

"I know, but Harper?"

"Is nothing, she got some good news and she wanted to tell me."

Abby smirked.  "So who's Johnson?"

"What is Johnson, not who is Johnson.  Johnson Space Centre if you must know."

"Oh planning a trip there?"

"Not exactly, though I am sure I will be there at some point...Harper is relocating from Germany to Houston.  She has a new job, so you can just calm your suspicions Abby.  She was just excited about the job, they told her today and she needed to talk to me before she flew back to Hahn."

"Houston.  What's her new job?"

"She was just hired by NASA."

"Ha, good one Carter.  You perky little blond bimbo ex girlfriend is joining NASA?"  

"My perky little blond, Air Force Pilot, who holds an MD, along with two other degrees ex girlfriend?  That one?  The one who is moving to train at Johnson Space Centre?  The one who might end up on the next shuttle to the ISS?"

Abby's head popped up.  "Harper is a pilot?"

"Yes, she is, has been for years...and she holds three degrees, she would be working on some of the Scientific Experiments.  She's not a blond bimbo, Abby, she finished med school at 22.  She's brilliant and she has been working towards this for years."

Abby frowned, she had seriously misjudged Harper Tracy, she didn't look like it, the tiny woman was barely over 5 feet tall, but she had Carter wrapped around her finger.  She was formidable too, NASA?  How in the hell could any other woman compete with that?

* * *

John put up with the comments for the next couple of hours as he worked on patients, he was tired, Susan had kept him up half the night, and Jerry kept making hot ex girlfriend references.

"Your nanny is on the phone."  Jerry held out the receiver towards Carter.

"Can you take a message?  We have them stacking up like cord wood."

"No, you better take it.  She said it's important and I was to track you down."  Jerry held out the receiver again.  "Line 3."

John grabbed it and hit the button.  "Elise.  What's going on."

"Susan, she's on her way in.  She woke up in a lot of pain, I would have driven her but with the kids...I called the ambulance and they are bringing her to County, they said they had to?"

"How long?"

"They just left, so a couple minutes."

"Was she conscious?  Any bleeding?"

"She's awake, and some, she was saying there was some bleeding, to call an ambulance, she didn't want to wait for you to get here, she wanted to go to the hospital right away.  I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Elise, just stay with the kids and I will update you once we know something."  John could hear the commotion of a trauma coming in, he hung up quickly, meeting it at the door.  

"John."  Susan was pale, looking tearful and worried.

"Hey, it's okay honey."  He exuded a calmness he didn't feel, inside his stomach was churning and his heart racing, but he held it all under control,  no point in panicking her.  

They wheeled her into a room.

"Get OB down her stat."  John grabbed the ultrasound, but Abby took it away.  

"No, just hold her hand, we've got this John, she needs you."

 


	44. Chapter 44

John gave up without so much as a word, he let everyone else take over, knowing he was going to be completely useless, he could already feel it, his heart racing, the slightly nauseous feeling as they assessed Susan.  He knew better anyway, he would not be able to make the tough decisions, the snap judgements that were sometimes required, he was too emotionally involved, it didn't mix well with emergency situations, not in the ER at any rate.

He put on a brave face, masked his emotions and took her hand, moving so he was out of the way, expertly dodging as needed, the IV going into her arm, Haleh taking her blood pressure,  the ultrasound machine coming in, organized chaos.  Susan was trying hard not to cry, he could see her green eyes clouded with worry, the slightly red and puffy look as she gazed at him for reassurance.  He could also see the pain, she was still in pain, lot of pain.

'Don't let her down, don't let her down.'  It rolled through his brain, he had to pull it together, be strong for her, even if he felt like things were coming apart at the seams.

He squeezed gently, knowing he was her life line right now, he needed to talk to her, he had been there, on the gurney, everyone rushing around him, not knowing what was going on and it was terrifying, he knew how it felt.  Susan was terrified right now, thinking she was miscarrying, her doctor brain suspended, the pain, the bleeding.  Everything felt muffled, out of control.

"Carter!"  Abby's voice cut in, and suddenly the haze lifted.  He knew it had only been seconds, but his name said in that tone pulled him back to reality.  He looked over at Abby who was giving him a look that could only mean one thing...talk to her!

"It's okay, they are going to take a look, we're going to see an ultrasound and get a monitor on you okay?"  He rubbed her hand, feeling her tight grip, feeling almost like she was going to break his hand.

"I'm sorry, John, I'm sorry."  Susan's voice was barely a whisper.  She was holding onto John for dear life, she had no idea what she was apologizing for...maybe putting him through this?  Subjecting him to the possible loss of another child?

"For what?  It's not your fault, okay?  Just relax, take a deep breath, stay calm."  

"It hurts, it really hurts, John."  She was sobbing.

"Breath honey.  It's going to be okay, it will be okay."

At this point, John didn't know if he was actually talking to Susan or himself...he was on the verge of losing it, almost wishing he could be busy, it would keep him from breaking down.  He leaned down and kissed her brow, pushing the hair back from her face, holding his hand there briefly, looking into her eyes.

"No, it really hurts.  Something's wrong, oh I'm going to be sick."  Susan felt her stomach churn, John grabbed the proffered emesis basin from Haleh, getting it in position just in time, helping her sit up enough to prevent her from aspirating.

John supported her as she heaved, unconsciously holding her hair back until she finished, handed off the basin and wiped her sweaty face for her.

"OB is on the way down to take a look, I stat paged them."

"How many weeks, Carter." 

The voices were all coming at him, he looked over at Morris who was now in the room.

"24.  She's 24 weeks."  He let Susan cling to him a moment.  "Okay?  Let me know if you feel sick again."  Another basin was within reach, the ever efficient nurses placing it where he could grab it quickly if needed. He helped her lay back down, raising the head of the bed a bit so it was more comfortable for her.  

"It hurts so much."  

"I know, relax, they are going to do an ultrasound and see what's going on in there.  Squeeze my hand, once we know maybe we can do something for the pain."  He stroked her hair, and kissed her forehead again.  "Hang in there, honey."

They all knew if they had to take the baby, it would be touch and go, a baby at this early stage would have a very slim chance of survival.  Even if the baby survived, and managed the long NICU stay there could be serious lifelong medical problems.  He was wishing with all his heart that it was good news, even though this baby was not planned, they both had grown very attached already.  He was seriously concerned about Susan though, nausea, vomiting and severe abdominal pain could have several causes, none of them good.

He watched as they squeezed gel on her belly, the musical sound of the baby's heartbeat as the monitors were put in place.  He breathed a sigh of relief, the heartbeat was strong, he glanced at the monitor.

"Listen, the baby is okay, nice strong heartbeat, hear that?"  He felt his own anxiety level dropping as McLucas came into the room, John was glad it was not Coburn.  Coburn could be hard, and right now he needed soft, this was stressful, he was worried about both Susan and the baby.

"Okay, let's take a look here."  She expertly ran the wand over, her gaze narrowing as she inspected the placenta, and the baby, moving up, seemingly inspecting every inch.  "You had a sharp pain?  Some bleeding?"

"Excruciating pain, it woke me up.  It went on for a few minutes, then stopped, then there was bleeding, and more pain, so I came in right away."

"Good, how far along are you?"

"24 weeks.  She's also nauseous and vomiting."  John filled the other doctor in, McLucas looked at him, and nodded.

"No signs of amniotic fluid?"  She looked over at Abby who shook her head.

"There was some blood, but no fluid, no sign of contractions, the placenta looks great and no dilation or effacement.  Slightly elevated blood pressure for mom, reasonably good heartbeat for baby, but she is still in severe pain." 

"I suspect it was a ruptured cyst, did they say anything about a cyst when you were in last time for a scan?"

"No."

"No pain other than the sudden onset today?"

Susan shook her head.

"Nothing, this is the first time she's mentioned any pain, and it seems to be severe." 

"That's normal with a cyst, sometimes there's no pain until it ruptures, then you get the pain and there can be bleeding.  The baby is stable, I can see signs of slight distress but I think that is more of a reaction to mom's distress, steady heartbeat, no issues with the placenta...but we are going to have to go in, I see there is another cyst and it could be a torsion, an ovary is twisted, which is probably why you are still in pain, but with no previous pain it is likely it just happened.   With the rupture it might have moved things a bit.  We could Doppler, but in my experience given the level of pain we need to get in there and untwist it and examine it to make sure it's healthy, check for bleeding, so...laparoscopy is what we should start with, remove the second cyst which is still quite small since we have to go in anyway, clean off the remnants of the burst one and see if we can get thing to settle down.  We are going to take you upstairs."

"John."  Susan clutched his hand.  "Don't leave me."

"No, I'm coming with you.  Abby?  Morris?  I'm off in an hour, you'll have to cover off for me."

"Of course, go,  be with Susan."  Abby still could not say 'wife' in reference to Susan, not when it came to Carter...it was too weird.   She was relieved, though it could potentially be serious, if caught early and treated, the odds were very good there would be no issues with the baby.  She could see Carter had been fighting to maintain control, the last pregnancy they'd had a scare, now another one, and the fact was no surgery was risk free.

McLucas was good though, she would do a great job, the risks were low and they should be able to save her ovaries...not that it mattered she supposed, Abby didn't think that John or Susan were in the market for any more babies after this, they had a houseful, and she knew that they'd tried the permanent solution.  But she was glad they didn't have to go through a miscarriage, it seemed the baby was healthy and an abruption was not the cause of the pain.

She remembered how upsetting it had been when she went into early labour with Joe, the stress of the hysterectomy, she hoped Carter did not have to go through something like that, not after losing a child already.

John stayed with Susan as they took her to a room, they were going to keep her monitored until the OR opened up, they had an emergency C-Section finishing soon.

"You can stay with her, would you like to scrub in with us Dr. Carter?  Keep your wife company, since she is going to be awake during the surgery.  Hold her hand so to speak."

"Can I?"  He looked over at Susan who looked relieved at the thought John could come in with her.  "That would be great."

"I heard you were a surgical intern, Dr. Carter, so you know how to stay out of the way."  McLucas gave Susan a warm smile.  "I will come and get you when we are ready to scrub, it shouldn't be long, they are finishing up in the OR now and we will get you in, I don't want blood flow cut off to that ovary too long, I'd like you to keep it.  They are going to come in and do a block for you, we don't want to put you under, this is better for the baby and you will recover far more quickly without a general."

Susan nodded, her rational mind was taking over now, they were explaining the risks of the procedure, she knew that the odds were with them that the baby would be fine.  John was holding up well she noted, he asked the right questions and never let go of her hand, staying close to her.  She appreciated him more now than ever, she was very lucky and she knew it.

"We need to take off all your jewelry."  The nurses started to work at it but were having trouble with her rings.  "Swollen fingers, might need to cut them."

"Hold on."  John picked up her hand then gently took her finger in his mouth, sucking gently, working the rings off on at a time.  He took the small bag and put all three rings into it, then secured them in his pocket along with his own ring.  "I'll hold onto these for you, glad we didn't have to cut them." 

Soon they were doing the block and the pain started to fade, which was a relief then they called for John to go change into scrubs so he could go into the OR with her.

"I'll see you in a couple minutes, it's going to be fine, McLucas is a great surgeon."  He gave her a kiss and a warm hug.  "It will over soon."

"I know, I love you."  Susan kissed him back, holding him for another moment before letting him go.

"I love you too, hang in there honey."

They moved her onto a fresh gurney, taking her into pre-op, washing her belly and finishing the preparations and then through to the OR.  John gave her a little wink over the top of his mask as they draped her.

"Doing okay?"  He asked softly, taking her hand in his and stroking it gently.

"About as well as I can under the circumstances.  At least it doesn't hurt anymore."

"Good, I could tell you were in pain, but they were worried about giving you anything until you were assessed."

"All right, let's take a look here."  McLucas carefully slid the tube into her belly through the small incision.

John watched on the camera as they went, finding the remains of the ruptured cyst, carefully removing it and irrigating and then the new one, working to excise it, gently sucking away the released fluid.

"Fluid filled, not a concern, just a normal pregnancy induced cyst.  As we suspected, we have a torsion, the ovary is slightly enlarged, but lets untwist it and see how it looks."  She worked quietly for a few moments.  "How's that baby doing?"

"Good, slightly lowered heart rate from the pain medication, but within normal limits."  One of the nurses responded as she checked the printouts.  "He's moving around a bit, no signs of distress though."

"Wonderful, just hang in there little guy, mommy is almost all fixed up.  There we go, lets give it a moment now and...it's pinking up again, nice.  I think we have it, let me just run over things again, I want to make sure we haven't missed anything, double check for bleeding and I want to examine the other ovary while we are here."

John smiled at Susan, hearing the steady beeping of the machines, glancing over at the monitor which was tracking the baby's response. 

"You are doing great honey, it's almost over."

McLucas nodded in satisfaction, John watched on the screen as she checked the ovaries both in detail.

"They look good."  John gave Susan another squeeze.

"Are you watching?  Inspecting my insides?"  Susan looked up at him, she could not see a thing with the drape in place, but she was sure John was watching the whole thing on the monitor.

"Yes?  I did surgery Susan, we're doctors, it's not that weird is it?  The monitor is right there."

"No I guess not.  They should tie them off while she's in there."

McLucas looked over but John shook his head emphatically.

"No."

"Just no?  We talked about it." 

"No, Susan.  Right now you are not thinking straight, she's ready to close up, and get out, the quicker she's out the better for you _and_ the baby.  Besides, you don't need to do that, it has way more risk for a woman than it does for a man, so...no, absolutely not, you are not undergoing an unnecessary procedure that could create further issues, more infection risk, and other problems for you or the baby."

"He's right, Susan, I wouldn't agree to it anyway, we have irrigated and I'm closing up now, too much risk for you and the baby.  I disagree with the procedure in most cases."  McLucas withdrew the tube from the incision and they started to close things up.  "Done, we are going to send you up to recovery for an hour or so for close monitoring, then you will go to a room and stay overnight so we can monitor the baby for a few hours.  The little guy is doing fine, but your body just went through quite a bit of stress, so we will keep you here for at least 24 hours."

"I wish I could go home."

"We'll get you a private room so you can sleep, I'll call Elise and see if she's okay, I can stay.  Deb went over to help her with the kids."

"JIng-Mei?  She'll be okay?"

"Of course, Susan, she'll manage just fine, she likes kids you know.  She's been around a bit, they know her, and it will give Elise a break."

They were now wheeling her out of the OR and into recovery, getting her settled.  John took a look at the readout on the fetal monitor and quickly scanned everything else.

"I'm going to go make some calls, then I'll be back, you okay for a few minutes?"

"Of course, they have lots of nurses in here for a reason John, I'll be fine."  Susan smiled weakly, feeling exhausted but relieved.

"All right, I won't be long, I have my pager on me, so get them to call if you need anything."  

"How about a hot fudge sundae?"  Susan joked with him.

"Ah, you are feeling better.  Tell you what, we can get you one tomorrow, I'll bring it in especially for you."  He squeezed her hand, then disappeared out the sliding door.

Susan sighed, rubbing the side of her belly, avoiding the bandage at the top, watching the heartbeat of the baby, the steady beep which was soothing and reassuring.

"When are you due?"  The voice from the next bed made Susan start slightly, she was not aware the woman next to her was awake.

"January.  End of January actually, so still about 12 weeks."

"Hmm, I'm _just_ _about_ 12 weeks, they removed an ectopic today.  Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."  Susan looked over at the pretty blond woman who was frowning slightly.

"I'm not sure, you know?  I wasn't planning this baby, and the doctor in the ER warned me it might be too late, I was going to terminate, but they said no, I'm too far along.  We have the same doctor I guess, that was Dr. Carter with you?"

"It was.  Did he treat you in the ER?"

"Yeah he did, he's really great, looks cute in scrubs doesn't he?  Anyway, I don't feel very connected to this baby, but I don't have a choice it seems, did you feel like that?  You look like you are so content, happy to be having a baby, I just don't know if I can do this, I'm not very maternal if you know what I mean.  My marriage is not so great right now, and bringing a child into it just seems wrong, I never really wanted kids."

"Sounds like we are kind of in a different place in our lives, I knew the minute I found out I was pregnant that I would have this baby, and I love my husband very much, we have a great marriage and...yes I felt very connected right away.  But everyone is different, given time you might feel differently, over the next few weeks, especially when you see the ultrasound and start to feel the baby move."

"He showed me on the ultrasound, the heartbeat, but I still don't feel like its mine...it doesn't seem real.  I wonder if I will?  You know, you are going to think I'm horrible, but when I was a lot younger, I had an abortion, got pregnant, just broken up with the guy and I didn't want to try and do it alone.  I was still trying to build my career.  Now I don't have any of those excuses, I just don't feel like I want a baby."

"You know, if you decide you don't want the baby you could always put it up for adoption.  Not everyone wants to be a mother, and that's okay, and there are a lot of people who can't have a baby who would love to be a parent.  My husband and I adopted a baby girl from a teenage mother, we love her just as much as our biological children, she is just...precious.  You could give that to someone."

"I know, the doctor suggested it.  The OB doctor, not John...you got personal service, he came in to see you."

"Um, yes, he did, he'll be back in a bit if you have questions for him."

"No, it's just...I thought maybe he would come see me, this may sound strange, but I dated him, like 10 years ago...or maybe its 11 now.  He just passed me off though, sent me up here.  I know I haven't seen him in forever but still, silly maybe but I guess I wanted him to acknowledge it a bit more.  The fact that he knows me."

Susan was not sure what to say at this point, but perhaps she should clue the woman in?  

"Well, he had a very busy afternoon, so I wouldn't hold it against him, he usually checks up on patients that come upstairs for surgery, even if you don't realize it, he will make sure you came through okay.  He reviews his charts for each patient.   I'm Susan by the way."

"Roxanne.  You sound like you know John, the way you talk about him."

"I do know him,  I've known him since he was 23 actually, we worked together and now, I'm his wife."

Roxanne's eyes widened a bit.  "You're kidding.   _You're_ John's wife?  What are you doing in here?"

"They had to take me in for a laparoscopy, but everything is good now...John went into the OR with me, so he really did have a busy afternoon, we just got out a few minutes ago.  Doctors get sick and have things happen in their lives too, it was a bit rough, I won't lie."

"The baby is okay?"

"Yes, we had a bit of a scare today, but we're both fine, we caught the problem quickly.  He really is a great doctor, you know, but I am surprised he treated you if you dated at some point."

"I insisted, he offered to get me a different doctor, more than once, but I had been waiting forever and it really hurt.  Turns out it was good he took me, because the doctor up here said ectopics can burst quickly once the pain starts, the pressure on the tube apparently."

"That's right, it's good it was caught in time.  Anyway, don't hold today against him, he had a crazy afternoon."

"Apparently, if you are in here with me.  You're a doctor too right?"

"I am, Emergency Medicine like John."

"Is this your first baby?  How many kids do you and John have?"

"Not my first, this is the last one.  I have a son who is 8, John has a son who is almost 3.  We have an adopted daughter who is 18 months, twins who are almost a year, and then this little guy, who needs just a bit more time before he joins the world.  A houseful, though my son is with his dad sometimes, and John's son lives in Germany with his mom, so we don't have him all the time either."

"Wow, that really is a houseful, and this one is a boy?"

"So they tell me, so two girls and four boys, hardly fair right?"

"What I'd like to know is how you afford six kids, though I suppose you are both doctors, and two don't live with you all the time, but still.  How do you stay sane?  I don't think I can even handle the thought of one child."

"We manage."  Susan gave Roxanne an appraising look.  How do we afford it?  She was pretty darn sure the woman had no idea of who John was if she made a comment about him being able to afford anything.

* * *

 

"I am relieved to hear your voice, is everything okay with Susan and the baby?"  Jing-Mei's concerned tone carried down the line.

"It's all fine, Deb, they took her in for a laparoscopy, it was a ruptured cyst and a torsion, McLucas fixed it, we caught it early so they didn't have to remove anything.  The baby came through well, but they are keeping her overnight for monitoring.  I am getting her into a private room so hopefully she will get some sleep."

"Thank goodness everyone is all right, scary, Elise was beside herself, said Susan woke up almost screaming in pain and she was bleeding."

"Apparently it is extremely painful when they rupture, and of course having a body part twisted like that had to hurt.  It's fixed though, and no excessive bleeding, she'll have to take it easy for a while but I'll be home with her.  Are you okay overnight?  I might hang out here with Susan, keep an eye on her."

"Sure, take your time, I don't have a shift for a couple days, you know I have been keeping my work hours down.  Call me in the morning okay?  We are going to get the babies in the tub, and Cosmo needs some homework help."

"Thanks Deb, I owe you."

"No, you really don't, who was the man who came to my rescue when I was in labour, by myself, in the middle of the night, at Christmas?"

"Ah, you still remember."

"I'll never forget.  Get some sleep John."

"You too Deb."

John hung up turning to see Abby coming down the hall.

"There you are, I was looking for you earlier, you vanished.  How did it go?  I saw Susan was up on the board."

"She's in recovery, McLucas let me go into the OR with her, hold her hand, keep her calm, they just did a block as it's easier on her and the baby."

"You look pretty calm, so I am assuming it went well?"

"Yes, thankfully, they removed a cyst, straightened things out and she didn't lose an ovary, good thing she came in right away.  Thanks by the way, that was rough."

"No problem, Carter, you mostly held it together, had the nurses talking about how great you were, holding your wife's hair for her."

"Wasn't the first time and I am sure it won't be the last...though hopefully the last time where a baby is concerned.  Another three months, I hope I survive it, I was worried today."  He rubbed his hand across his face as the fatigue hit him.  "I feel like I could sleep for a week."

"You did great, and I am really glad she and the baby are okay.  Did you slip up, it's a boy right?"

"It is a boy, and though we weren't announcing it, I guess we kind of did anyway and that's okay, everyone was really great in there."

"It's what we do, John, and we all took extra care too, because it was you, and it was Susan."

"Still, thank you.  Let everyone know we are okay, we just got out of the OR a few minutes ago."

"I will.  Need anything?"

"No, I'm okay for now, thanks.  I should get back, I told her I wouldn't be long."

Abby nodded and headed back down to the ER and John went back into the recovery area.  He noticed that Roxanne was now awake and chatting with Susan.  Great, just what he needed, he really just wanted some quite time Susan, but Roxanne had to be in the next bed.

"How are you feeling?"  He approached Susan's bed, taking her hand and brushing her cheek gently.

"As good as can be expected I guess, I am getting some feeling back, so I am sure it will hurt soon."

"Yeah, I imagine it will, though they did give you something, but let me know if it gets bad.  Elise says everything is fine, Deb is still there and will stay the night."  He flipped through her chart quickly, then hung it back on the end of her bed.  "Roxanne, how are you feeling?"  He picked up her chart next and scanned it, not wanting to ignore her, as much as he just wanted to sit with Susan.  He flipped to the second page, then looked at the front again.

"I've been better, can't say you didn't warn me, but they said it was too late to terminate.  Hurts a bit, but the nurse gave me something not long ago for the pain, the got out the ectopic."

"Mhm, I expect they will be in soon to take you to a room, then you might be able to get some rest, you going home tomorrow?"

"That's what they tell me, I wish it was sooner, but they want to do another ultrasound on the baby and make sure everything is okay before they let me leave.  My friend Emily is going to pick me up, I am not ready to see Ron yet, he is not going to be too thrilled with me."

"Good you have someone who can stay with you, hopefully for a couple days."  He hung her chart back on the end of the bed.

"So, this is Susan."

"Yes, it is."

"Huh, and here I thought you were kidding, wife, kids, you got all domestic.  Never thought I would see the day."

"Me either.  Try and get some rest."

"Can I come back in and see you if I have problems?"

"Um, no, they will set you up with an obstetrician if you don't have a doctor, not my specialty.  Also my last shift in the ER for a while, I'm on sabbatical, I just fill in once in a while when they are short doctors."

"Sabbatical, really.  After all that work to become a doctor, you take time off?"

"Sure, doctors need a break, long hours and such, I am writing and publishing right now, and of course it's nice to have time with the family.  As you can see we will be having a new baby pretty soon, so it will be great to be home."  

John looked up as he noted the transport team coming in, a bit relieved, he wanted some private time with Susan, he had been really worried about her.

"Oh, looks like I finally get a room.  Bye, nice talking to you Susan.  Take care John, and thanks."  Roxanne waved as they wheeled her out.

"What?"  John could see the look Susan was giving him.

"Very cute, so your type.  Seems nice, but she is not maternal is she."

"No, she does not seem pleased that they didn't terminate, but looks like they are dating her closer to 12 weeks, I though more like 9 or 10 and even that is dicey right? I guess she was in denial."

"I understand that, I was in denial about being pregnant this time too, John, though of course that was because I was so sure it wasn't possible."

"Sorry.  Didn't mean to knock you up, but you know, it happened so...how are you feeling really?"

"Relieved, I was scared John, I woke up in such pain, like something was being ripped out of me, and the blood, after last time I panicked."

"McLucas said the pain can vary, but when a cyst ruptures she invariably hears about excruciating pain and the placement of the other cyst and the rupture likely caused the torsion.  Fortunately the blood was just the fluid from the cyst and you came in right away, so the damage was minimal.  You did the right thing."

"I couldn't do anything else, it hurt so much it made me sick, sorry, I seem to keep almost throwing up on you."

"Hey, at least you give me warning so I can get you a basin or dodge it, people in the ER aren't always able to be so nice about it.  Everything looks great, they have a private room on hold for you, so they are going to move you pretty quick.  Then I can change, I figured being in scrubs allows me to walk around a bit more freely."

"McLucas was nice to let you come in, though you were a bit bossy there John.  I thought we had talked about the whole ligation thing."

"We did, and I told you _I_ would take care of it, and I did, so you do not need to have more surgery. I asked McLucas about it, she doesn't recommend it if the husband is willing to take care of things, then she always likes to see that as first course of action.  I don't want you to do it, Susan, there are risks and you know it, it's not worth it, not now especially.  Please?"

"Okay, you're right, not something to take lightly, it was just she was already in there."

"Yes, but for something else, while you are pregnant.  Only 24 weeks too, it's not like they can just c section you if something goes wrong and expect a good outcome.  We both know that if they'd had to take the baby today, he probably wouldn't have made it, we would have tough decisions on how far to go, how much intervention to allow.  We would have had to let him go Susan, we would have had to let our son go and I was not prepared to take the risk, not with him and not with you either."

Susan reached out and pulled John in, hugging him tightly.

"I know, baby, you're right, I wasn't thinking clearly today, and you were.  McLucas was not going to allow it, so thank goodness for good doctors, and thank you for taking care of us like that, you were really wonderful today.  I love you."

"I love you too, I was really scared, you know?  We've seen things go sideways so quickly, with Joshua, the day before, the ultrasound was fine, everything was perfect, and then he was gone, no warning.  I  don't...can't go through that again, it was too hard, I'm not strong enough."

Susan held him, knowing the day took a far larger toll on him than she realized, he had kept himself together, but it was difficult for him, seeing her come in like that, in so much pain.

"I was scared too, and you are strong enough John.  You are one of the strongest people I know, and you held me together today.  You don't know how much I appreciate you, every day you do something that just makes me happy or make me realize how good we have it.  I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, having you as my husband."

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm the lucky one, Susan, to have you."  He gave her a deep kiss, cradling her against him gently, mindful she was going to be very sore for a few days.  He rested a hand against her belly, careful of the bandaged area.

"All right you two, time to get a room, literally."  Shirley's voice made them both jump slightly.

John turned to look at her, the transport team following her into the recovery room.  

"Great, then we can have some privacy."  He shot back at her with a smile.  "Ready?"

"Absolutely, I think I am ready for a nap."

"Me too."

* * *

 John woke up hours later, rubbing his sore neck, he had fallen asleep holding Susan's hand, not the best position to get some rest and he was going to pay for it.  He peered at the monitors, everything looked good, the steady beeping a sign all was well.  Susan's breathing was deep and even, she finally was getting the much needed nap.

He stood quietly and stretched, deciding to go find himself a cold drink, realizing of course it was 2 am and he would not sleep for at least an hour.  The cafeteria was long closed, but the vending machines were just down the hall.  He stepped out of the room, running a hand through his hair, hoping it was not sticking out at all angles.  He wandered down the hall, stopping in the mens room, staring in to the mirror, feeling slightly scruffy and desperately wanting a shower, throwing cold water on his face then back out to the hall.

He stopped at the wall of vending machines,  pulling out his wallet to dig out a bill.

"I wouldn't if I were you, it eats money."  The familiar voice stopped him.

"Roxanne, what are you doing wandering around the halls at this hour?"

"I could ask you the same thing.  I thought you would have gone home by now."

"No, fell asleep in Susan's room and my back is paying for it."  He leaned against the machine and pointed.  "So, what were you trying to get out of this money eating monster?"

"Orange juice, but it took my money, what little I had left.  Should have gone to the cafeteria."

"It's not open at this hour, the vending machines are the best you've got, unless you order in.  So, one orange juice coming up."  He gave the machine a tap in just the right spot, and hit the button, procuring the juice, then got himself a drink as well.

"How did you do that?"

"I worked here for years, Roxanne, I know how to make the machines work and which ones to avoid.  There are tricks to each one, you just have to know them."  He handed her the juice.  "You okay?"

She shrugged, trying to open the twist top without much success.  John took it out of her hands and loosened it for her, handing it back.  He observed her for a moment, then sat down across from her.

"Can you make that thing spit out a pizza or something?  I'm starving, the meal was inedible."

"No kidding, I tried some of Susan's and it was horrid.  Pizza huh, what toppings do you like?"

"I'm not picky, or don't you remember?"

"We dated like a decade ago Rox, you think I remember what you like on pizza?  Tastes change too, so...anything you don't like?"

"Stop teasing me, it's 2am, where are we going to get pizza."

John shrugged then pulled out his phone, scrolling down and hitting speed dial.

"Jake, hi, John Carter.  Uh huh, yes, I do need a pizza.  I'm at County, but I'm upstairs so call me and I will meet you at the elevators, don't let Jerry get near it or he pays for it.   Exactly, so make sure it comes upstairs and to no one but me...9th floor.   The usual, plus one of those Greek ones that Susan likes...right Mediterranean.  How long?  You have my cell, and...cash?  Thanks."  He clicked his phone shut.

"You have a pizza place that delivers at 2am to the hospital?"

"I worked a lot of night shifts over the years, so yes, I do.  If you're nice maybe I'll share."  He cracked open his juice.  "So, what's on your mind?"  

Roxanne looked over at him.

"You have time for this?"

"It's 2 in the morning, I hardly have any pressing appointments, aside from waiting for my pizza to be delivered.  Talk."

"I thought you would need to be rushing home to your kids, your babysitter must be getting tired."

"Nope, we have a nanny, and a good friend is there helping, I wasn't planning on going home tonight.  Just hanging out, Susan's asleep.  I have time, but if you don't want to talk about it, then that's okay."  He sipped his juice, leaning back and closing his eyes.

"You look tired, must have been rough, what happened to her?"

"To who?  Susan?"

"Yes, of course Susan.  You were working and next thing I know you are in recovery...with your wife?  Something happened, but she didn't elaborate."

"Well she wouldn't, she doesn't know you, though apparently she knows somehow that you know me.  She woke up in severe pain, came in by ambulance while I was still down there.  Thankfully I was still on shift, and I got the call from the nanny before the ambulance got there.  It was a little scary, but it turned out to be a ruptured cyst, so they did a laparoscopy, fixed things up so she and the baby should both be okay."

"That's good, you thought it was more serious?"

"Could have been, we see it all the time, pre term labour, abruption, the placenta separating, so yes, when she came in she was in severe pain, had some bleeding and was nauseous, I was worried."

"They could have done a c section though right?"

"At 24 weeks?  Technically yes, depending on the issue, but the odds are low the baby would have survived, it's way too early, we would have lost him or worse, I would have lost her too.  I've seen it go either way, it's...not easy to deal with for the family."

“That is still pretty serious, then.”  Roxanne looked over at him.

“It could have been if she hadn’t made the decision to come in right away.  Even so, it was surgery and there is always risk, but we were fortunate and both she and the baby are going to be fine.  They are just monitoring for 24 hours to make sure there aren’t complications.”

"How do you deal with it...the death, you've seen people die right?"

"More than I care to think about, but the flip side is saving someone, so you have good days and you have bad days, and you have really bad days.  You learn to separate yourself from it to a certain extent, or you would never come back to work."

"So...someone close to you dies, you can separate yourself from that?"

"No.  Never, that always gets you, it's different Roxanne, when someone you love or are close to dies, it is so very different than losing a patient.  Watching someone die is always sad, but watching someone you love die is devastating."  He closed his eyes again.  "So, what is going on in your life?"

Roxanne knew he was purposely changing the subject, she had the sense that he’d lost someone very close to him, he was different than when she’d known him.  More mature, less willing to divulge anything, which was fair she supposed, it had been years since she’d seen him.

"I have made a real mess of my life.  You must think...I don't even know what you must think of me, I am such a mess, such a screw up, my marriage is shit and I'm pregnant with some guys baby and I barely know him.  You must think I am an idiot."

"I'm not thinking anything of the sort.  Relationships are hard work, trust me, I am the last person who is going to judge you, that would be a bit hypocritical of me.  Though perhaps I am not the one to go to for relationship advice either."

"So what, you had an affair?  Cheated on your perfect blond wife in there?"

"No.  I would never do that to her, ever, we have a couple of very strict rules in our marriage, no cheating, no lying to each other.  But I'm not perfect by any stretch.  This is my second marriage, my first one didn't work out so well, but that is a whole other story."

"Huh.  Well, this is my first marriage, we got married about 8 years ago, I met him a few months after you and I broke up.  I knew that was coming by the way, I could tell Lucy was interested and you kind of liked her.  I bet you dated her."

"No, I didn't, she was my student, I supervised her, no chance I was going to date Lucy, she was...great in a lot of ways, but no, we never got involved.  She was too young, to immature and I was her teacher, Roxanne, we were friends, colleagues, teacher and student, but nothing else."

"Where is she now?  Or do you keep in touch."

John turned his head slightly, looking over at her.  "Let's not talk about Lucy, how about we find a new topic."

"She left did she."

"Something like that."  He tipped his head back and closed his eyes again, trying to shut it out, the memories.  They sat in silence for a while longer, Roxanne watching him curiously. He made no move to leave, but he didn't say anything either, he didn't push for details, he just let the silence grow, she thought perhaps he had fallen asleep.

"Things haven't been good for a couple years, he barely touches me anymore, so...I got lonely, you know?  I wonder sometimes if he's cheating on me, he comes home late saying he has meetings, never wants to have sex.  Do you think he's cheating?"  Roxanne wasn't sure she expected an answer.

"You want me to sugar coat it or just tell you my opinion?"  John said quietly back.

"Just say it, I'm not much for the sugar."

"Yeah, he's cheating."

"How do you know?"

"How long since you had sex with him?"

"I can't remember the last time."

"Then he's cheating on you, time to fold up your tent."

Roxanne stared at him for a moment.  "What?"

"You heard me."

Roxanne frowned, wondering if was a coincidence, or if Lucy had ratted on her.

"She told you?"

"Yup, she did, took a while, but it finally came out one day when she was being Lucy.  Hint for future relationships, don't ask your boyfriends coworkers if they are having hot office sex with said boyfriend.   Anyway, leave him Roxanne, you are unhappy, it's all over your face.  You have been out sleeping with another guy, he's off sleeping with someone else, or multiple someone elses,  call time of death.  Trust me, you will be happier."

"You sound like the voice of experience."

John cracked one eye open and looked at her.  "Well, I am on my second marriage, I know a bit about bad relationships and break ups.  Move on, life is too short to live in misery, you don't sound happy, you don't look happy and he's most certainly not happy, and I would guess he is not going to be thrilled about the little bun in the oven, I wouldn't be if it were me."

"I suppose not.  Which is my other problem, I'm not cut out to be a mother, this little _bun_ as you call it...I don't know if I can do it John.  I terminated one before, I guess this time is my punishment."

John sat up and opened his eyes.  "It's a baby, not the plague.  You didn't commit a sin or anything by having sex, why do you think you are being punished?"

"I cheated on my husband, I didn't have the last baby, I didn't even tell the guy.  I mean, wouldn't you be angry if it was your baby and I didn't tell you I'd had an abortion?"

Roxanne could see him narrow his eyes at her.  

"Are you trying to tell me something here?  Never mind, don't answer that, just...look, you made a decision years ago based on what you felt was right for you at the time.  This time you left it too late, it's not a punishment, just take care of yourself and the baby, and if you don't want it, give it to someone who does.  I've been on both sides, a good friend of mine put her baby up for adoption, the couple was thrilled, he has a great life.  On the other side, we had a teenage girl ask us to take her baby because she wasn't ready, and she made us happy, Ava is a beautiful, special little girl and we love her, she's our daughter and nothing will change that."

"It wasn't yours by the way, it was before us, I was just asking what you thought.  We were careful, really, really careful John."

"Uh huh, and it can still happen because birth control is not 100% effective, how do you think I have a 3 year old son?  But whatever you say, not that I suppose it matters at this point anyway.  It is what it is, Roxanne, you got pregnant, you are too late to safely terminate.  Don't beat yourself up about it, have the baby, give it up to someone who wants to be a parent if you can't see yourself raising it.  Social Services can help you find agencies if you need help, or if you want an adoption lawyer, let me know and I can refer you to one."

"I don't have money right now for a lawyer, I'll have to look up Social Services."

"Here, even better, call them, talk to someone."  He wrote a number down on a napkin and handed it to her.   "I work with them all the time here in the hospital."

"Maybe I'll do that.  You must think I'm selfish, not wanting children."

"No, it would be selfish to have the baby and then not take care of them, not be there for them, to neglect a child.  No one says everyone has to want to be a mommy or a daddy, everyone is different."

"You wanted to have kids, right?"

"Yes, very much, and I love my family, would not trade them for anything."

"So that blond that was all over you in the ER today, is that considered being faithful?"

"Harper?  She was just overly excited about her new job, I've known her forever, my wife is not going to get too excited about it, she knows there's nothing going on."

"Really.  So you've never slept with...Harper?"

"I didn't say _that_ , I just said there is nothing going on now and Susan knows it.  I have to see Harper, fact of life."

"Why?"

"His name is Devon and he's almost 3."

"Ah, so she is the ex wife, can't have ended up all that badly if she hugs you like that in public."

"No, Harper is my ex-girlfriend.  My ex-wife and I don't talk anymore, not since the divorce became final."

Roxanne smirked at him, though he didn't seem to notice, he was pre-occupied with the label on his bottle, avoiding looking at her she figured.

"Your wife won't mind that the mother of your son jumped all over you?  Must be some job."

"Yeah, you have no idea, one of those things that is...a little surreal."  John heard her tone of voice and looked over at her, seeing the smirk, for some reason not wanting to be judged.  Susan might not like Harper's behaviour much sometimes, but on the other hand she would understand, John didn't think she would get uptight about it.

"Surreal.  Who hired her, the FBI?"

"No, NASA."

"Ha, still have the sense of humour...NASA.  Right, so she's on the next shuttle into out space?"

"Maybe.  In about a year or so, very likely.  Not actually kidding Roxanne, she came to tell me she got a job in Houston."

"What?  So what does this Harper do for a living?"

"She has an MD, plus a couple other degrees, a Phd and she's a pilot."

"Oh.  And you have a son with her?"

"Yes.  Is that so hard to believe?  She's too smart to get involved with me, right?"

"Well, she's smart obviously, but so are you, something I like in a man, you have an MD, even if you don't have the extra degrees, that's pretty impressive in itself.  Anyhow, getting women into bed has probably never been much of a challenge, right?  You are too damn cute for your own good."

John just shook his head and leaned back.

"Let me see pictures of your kids."

"Roxanne."

"Oh come on, surely you have pictures."

John's phone rang, he looked at the screen and answered.  "Jake.  Be right there."

Roxanne watched as he walked away, returning shortly with two decent sized boxes which he set on the table along with napkins.

"Help yourself."  He flipped open the box and helped himself to a piece.

Roxanne took a piece, taking a decent bite and chewing with an appreciative groan.  

"Oh this is good, thanks, I'm starving, but this is an awful lot of pizza for two people."

"Maybe."  He just shrugged, putting aside a couple pieces for Susan as he helped himself to a second slice.

"Okay, kids, pictures, I want to see them."

"All right."  He wiped his fingers then opened his wallet, pulling out a few pictures.  "This is Cosmo, he's my stepson, he's 8.  This is Devon, almost 3."

"He looks a lot like you, wow, so that is Harper's son?"

"Right.  This is Ava, she's our adopted daughter, and these two are Ben and Maya, the twins."

"They are so cute, truly, I don't want my own kids, but _you_ have really cute kids John.  That little Devon is going to break hearts all over town when he grows up, just like his daddy.  The are all going to be gorgeous when they grow up."

John just laughed, he hoped neither of his sons would be like him in a lot of ways, in and out of too many beds, too many bad relationships.  He hoped he could give his children a happier and more stable upbringing than he'd had.

"I am curious, how long have you and Susan been married.  I mean, Devon is not quite 3, so that means less than 4 years since you dated Harper.  And you were married before that?"

"About 6 months.  We got married in the spring, in Maui."

"Okay, and the twins are less than a year old...not much spacing there.  How long were you married for...before...to your first wife."

"Actually married?  Less than 5 years, but really together?  Even less than that, though we were together off and on for about 6 years."

"You don't ever see her?  How do you avoid her?"

"Easy, she lives overseas, she's in Africa, or Paris, anywhere that is not Chicago, she never comes here, she grew up in Paris and London and prefers Europe or Africa."

"Paris, London and Africa, wow."

"Uh huh, she's French Congolese, met her in the Congo when I was volunteering over there.  What does Ron do?"

"Management, he works for a bank, private client banking, handles the big guys, you know?"

"Yeah, I know what private client banking is you don't have to explain it to me."

"Oh, not many people have even heard of it."

"So he's really exciting I take it?  A banker?"

"Yeah, right, incredibly exciting.  He never likes to try anything new...I mean...you know what I mean."  Roxanne smirked, thinking about how much fun John was, they had tried some interesting things.  "I always wondered what Kerry thought, or if she could hear us."

John just raised an eyebrow at her, choosing not to answer, saved from answering as one of the nurses appeared.

"Pizza party Dr. Carter?  You know you shouldn't be eating that here."  The nurse admonished with a smile.

"Hi Janelle, sorry, got a little hungry, didn't have time to grab dinner last night.  Help yourself."  He offered the box to the nurse, who grabbed a napkin then a slice of the still warm pie.  

"Thanks John, how's Susan?"

"Good, she's sleeping, finally getting some rest and I didn't want to wake her up."

The nurse waved and went off about her rounds.  Roxanne noticed that not long after a few other nurses 'happened' by, and all of them seemed to know John, and ended up taking pizza.

"Hope you saved me some of that."  Susan said sleepily as she joined them.  She had woken up, finding John missing, but not surprised once she looked at the time.  She'd padded down the hall until she came across him, talking to Roxanne of all people, and eating pizza.

"You know I wouldn't dare order pizza without getting your favourite."  John pointed at the pieces he had held aside for her.

"Bribing the nurses again I see."  Susan settled onto the couch, leaning back against John, his arms wrapping around her as she nibbled on a slice.

"Of course, sucks working this shift and the cafeteria's closed.  Figured I better get enough to share or there might have been hell to pay."

"Mm, so good, I woke up hungry, and you were gone.  How long have you been up?  Since 2 perhaps?  Is that yours?"  She pointed to his juice.

"Yes it's mine, want some or do you want something else?"  He held out the bottle to her, which she took and sipped, going back the her pizza.

John rested a hand on her belly, Susan moved it slightly over to where she could feel the baby kicking.

"There, feel that?  He's been active, tap dancing on my bladder, I think that is why I woke up.  Seems like it didn't affect him."

"He'll be okay, last printout looked great and he's bouncing back nicely."

"You still have my rings right?  Can I have them?  My hands feel bare for some reason."

John nodded and dug in his pocket, pulling out the small bag, knowing Roxanne was watching them.  He put the eternity ring on her right hand, then slid the engagement and wedding band set on the other.

"Better?"

"Much.  The pizza helped too, the food here really is awful.  Couldn't sleep either?"  Susan glanced over at Roxanne who was fidgeting with her bottle of juice.

"No, I was starving too, and of course the lady next to me in my room snores so loud I swear the windows are rattling.  Those are nice rings."

"Thanks, I love them, and it feels so weird when they aren't on my fingers.  My other jewelry I was not so worried about, but these, I have to have them."

"I'm sure."  Roxanne looked down at her wedding ring, knowing that she would be taking it off soon.  

She was also a little sad that Susan had joined them, though she seemed nice, talking to John alone was even nicer.  He made her feel better, even though it had been years, he was not afraid to tell it to her straight.  She had the feeling he'd seen and done a lot over the past few years and she would have loved to catch up a bit more.

"I think I should head back to bed, hopefully they will be letting me out of here in the morning.  Thanks for the pizza, and I hope everything turns out well with the baby.  "

"You too, Roxanne, take care."


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those who have left kudos, another instalment for you, hope you enjoy!

 Susan leaned deeper into his arms, closing her eyes now that her stomach had stopped growling.

"That was good, you should have woken me up earlier, I needed something to eat.  You got my favourite too.  Is that what you had?"

"Yes, I was good Dr. Lewis, don't worry.  You were sound asleep, I didn't want to wake you up, you needed the rest."  He rubbed the sides of her belly, checking for movement as he did.

"Right here."  Susan moved his hand again, knowing he worried, he was always checking on the baby, though she understood his fear.  "I can feel little movements almost all the time, he's almost never still."

"I worry too much, right?  Sorry, I just...need to feel him moving."  John knew he was being overprotective, he was always touching her, reassuring himself things were okay, especially after today.

"No, it's okay John, I like that you are so involved, it feels good when you rub my belly like that."

"Pregnant women must get really tired of it though, and I almost want to deck people sometimes, when they walk up and start touching you, without even asking.  How do _you_ tolerate it?"

"I just move away if I don't like, there really is something about a pregnant belly that people find irresistible, it's been the same with each baby.  I never mind you touching me though, this is our baby, it feels right, so don't stop."  She stretched slightly.  "Let's clean up these empty boxes and go to bed, you can share with me, try and get some sleep, you look like hell...in a cute, scruffy and loveable way though."

"Liar.  You look adorable, even at 3 am, with your hair all mussed up, I just look like crap."

"No way, your little girlfriend there was ready to crawl into your lap, she looked mighty disappointed that I showed up and interrupted your little pizza party."

"No chance, Susan, she is so far in my past that I didn't even ever think about her until I walked into her exam room. Although she did seem put out about Harper."

"Harper?  What about Harper?  Does she know her or something?"

"Oh, right, I didn't get to tell you, Harper came to see me today, I was going to tell you about it when I got home, but things kind of snowballed.  She's moving to Houston, she got the job."

"Houston.  Wow, that is great news, Devon will be much closer, you must be happy about that."

"I'm really happy, and we need to talk about that, he's going to be even closer than I'd hoped."

"Texas is much closer than Germany.  I'm happy for you."

"Susan, what I meant is Harper wants me to take Devon to live with us, she is going to be working extremely long hours.  I said we would, I know it is going to be challenging with the new baby coming, but...I need to do this."  

Susan turned in his arms, reaching up to place a hand on his cheek, caressing with her thumb.

"Wow!  She is letting you take Devon?  For how long?"

"I don't know, at least a year, maybe longer?  She could be on one of the crews, you know?"

"Crews?  Like a mission crew?  Like they might send her into space?  That kind of crew?"

"Yeah, crazy right?  They usually send them up to the ISS for a minimum of 6 months, every wife's dream, having the ex sent off the planet.  Shot into space on a rocket."

"Ha, only you would say that!  Though you are one of the few men who doesn't actually seem to mind seeing his exes, which is a little weird.  See you really are a freak."  Susan laughed.  "I have to admit though, she is a bit too touchy feely with you, can't say I like it."

"I know, I'm sorry about that, I've talked to her about it, told her it's not appropriate and she needs to stop. As far as exes, I don't seek them out, Susan, they just kind of pop up now and again, though I do try not to make the break ups ugly, no point in that right?"

"I guess not, but most of my ex boyfriends I would shoot on sight, but your exes all still love you just a little...or maybe a lot in some cases and it's unsettling.  But I trust you, even with Harper."

"Good to hear...speaking of trust and Harper and going back to the inappropriate touchy feely stuff, you might hear a rumour, so ignore it.  She was a little...too friendly when she came into the ER and it was misinterpreted, and being Harper she baited Abby further with an inappropriate comment...after Gates caught her taking money out of my wallet."

 "What did she do?"  Susan sighed heavily, thinking it was time to have a word with the woman.

"She kind of jumped on me when she came in the door, that's it though, nothing else, and she apologized afterwards, and we had another talk about what's okay and not okay.  She'll still be living in a whole other city at least."

"Uh huh, but she will still be coming to see Devon.  I'm not happy about her doing that, in the ER of all places, does she have no boundaries?"

"Not nearly enough it seems..and I might have to take him to her, depending on her training schedule.  So, how do you like Texas?  To visit of course, we are not moving."

"My Chicago boy, moving to Texas?  I was not worried, you have too much going on here, we have a life, your doctor is here...and Texas is okay, but the culture is different, you would never be happy in Houston."

"You're not upset about me agreeing without talking to you first?"

"No, of course not John, he's your son, you know he's welcome anytime, for as long as needed.  It will be a houseful and you will need to warn Elise, but it will work out, good thing we are moving into the bigger house, with Cosmo around so much more lately it is going to be a busy place."  Susan stood and held out her hand.  "Come to bed baby, we'll talk about it more tomorrow."

Susan knew they would be, she didn't want to be harsh about Harper, but the woman did need to respect that John was married, making suggestive comments and feeling up her husband in public was getting old very fast.

* * *

 "Hey, wake up, wake up sleeping beauty."

The voice was cutting into his subconscious, he dragged his eyes open, realizing that Susan was standing over him.  He could feel her cool hand touch his forehead, then her lips.

"John, are you with me?"  Susan was staring at him oddly, a slight furrow between her brows.  "John?  Answer me."

This time her voice was more insistent, her frown deepening.

"I'm awake, what time is it?"  His body finally obeyed him, he could hear an insistent chirping sound.  

"Time to get up, you never sleep this late.  Your watch alarm is going off, I'm surprised you didn't hear it.  Where's your pill box...never mind, right where you always put it, these ones?"  Susan held out one of the containers towards him, along with a large glass of water.   Susan was sure it was correct, they were marked and different colours to ensure he took the right things at the right times, blue was for 8 am in the morning. "I saved you my yogurt and my apple from breakfast, it's in my bag, the nurses keep trying to clean up and I was worried it would disappear if I left the food unattended."

"Thanks, I'd better at least eat the yogurt first."  He took the container and spoon she was holding out to him, he struggled to peel it open, Susan taking it from his hands and effortlessly removing the top before handing it back to him.

"You are still not quite awake are you.  Eat."

John took a bite right away, making himself to eat it, his stomach was rebelling this morning.

"Are you okay?  You don't look that good this morning."  Susan moved to the instruments on the wall and picked up the thermometer, wiping it carefully with sanitizer before she took his temperature.  "Looks normal."

"It is, I'm just tired Susan, we had a busy day yesterday, I didn't sleep well last night either, you know that."  He forced the last bite, feeling his stomach roll.  He kind of knew how Susan felt all those mornings she woke up feeling nauseated by every movement and smell.

"Uh huh.  Drink all of the water please, you are going to get dehydrated, you only drank about half that juice last night."

"I didn't want it all, you know I have to limit juice, too much sugar."

"I know, but I can still tell you don't feel great, what did you eat yesterday?"

"I'm a little nauseous okay?  I didn't eat enough yesterday, and the medications sometimes make me feel sick, you know that. Maybe the 2am pizza wasn't such a good idea."

"I think it was a very good idea,  you needed it, I should have sent you home last night, I was fine.  You should go home, eat a proper meal, shower, change, have a nap and then come back later to pick me up.  Or even better I'll take a cab."

"No way, I want to be here with you, for the ultrasound and stuff."

"Hate to tell you, you missed it baby.  You were out like a light and I didn't want to wake you up.  Janelle was amused, but Coburn almost had a fit when she found you fast asleep in here while I was out having the tests done.  McLucas had a word with her though, so maybe she's calmed down.  Threatened to have you fired, which I think is hilarious, Cate is going to love that one, when Coburn goes screaming into her office demanding _you_ be fired?  Doesn't she know that you only volunteer here?"

"I missed it?  Everything's good right?  Why didn't you wake me up?"  John threw the pills into his mouth, drinking half the water to wash them down, then sipped the rest slowly.  "Where's the apple?"

"Here."  Susan handed it to him.  "Go home, John, you've been here close to 24 hours, the baby is fine, I'm fine, they are going to check things over again in a couple hours and then probably send me home."

"If it's fine, why aren't they letting you go now.  Susan?"  He was sitting staring at the apple like it was a foreign object.

"Just protocol, they want me to stay a full 24 hours, so I just have to hang out, nothing is wrong, I promise.  Junior here is doing fine, so am I."  She was watching John, knowing he was covering, he was not doing great this morning.  "John, are you with me?  Hey, lay down, you're pale and diaphoretic and you're shaking."

She pushed him back on the bed, meeting with no resistance whatsoever, and that's when she knew there really was a problem.

"John?"

"I feel really sick all of the sudden."  He had trouble forcing this out, his lips tingling and not wanting to respond to his brains command to speak.  Everything felt fuzzy and out of focus, he was really tired and wanted to go to sleep.

She hit the call button, Janelle coming in quickly.  "Are you okay Susan?"

"I am, he's not.  Can you do me a favour?  You have glucose testing strips, can I get a kit?  I want to check his blood sugar."

"I didn't know he was diabetic.  He should have his own kit, but of course."  Janelle started to dig in the drawer, coming up with the necessary items and handing them to Susan.

"He's not diabetic, he is taking a medication that can affect blood sugar levels, and he didn't eat properly yesterday.  I'm concerned his levels have gone off one way or the other, and we need to counteract it."  She quickly ran the test.  "John, you are way low, dangerously low.  John?"

He could hear her voice, but he was drifting, not able to speak, it sounded like being underwater, her voice coming from a long way off, muted, indistinct.

Janelle patted Susan's arm.  "I'll get some orange juice for him right away."

"No, we are going to medically deal with this, it's seriously low, I don't think he's going to manage drinking orange juice, he's not responding.  John?  Hey, stay with me."  She gave him a gentle shake, taking his hand, it was cold and clammy.  "We need to give him something right away."

Janelle nodded and sprinted out of the room, grabbing the medication and bringing it back, Susan was already preparing an injection site on his arm.  She jabbed the syringe into the vial, quickly drawing a portion, then injecting it quickly.  Janelle was in motion, checking his blood pressure and handing Susan her stethoscope once she was done.

"Rapid heartbeat, how's his pressure?"

"A little low, I'll check it again in a minute, once the medication kicks in."

"John?"  Susan used a small light, checking his eyes, she could see him coming back as his blood sugar level started to rise.  "Hey, you're okay, low blood sugar, I gave you a shot, just relax for a minute."  

She brushed a hand over his hair, holding it there while the confusion cleared.  It was suddenly easier to focus again, though he still felt really fatigued, he made no effort to get up, he didn't think he could.

"Okay, you look a bit better, I am going to do another stick, check your blood sugar level, don't move."  She checked the readout.  "Back to a reasonable level, still on the low side but not dangerously so.   We need to get you a proper meal, maybe we will start with a couple sips of juice, we don't want to over compensate and send your levels through the roof."

Janelle nodded and came back with a small orange juice, Susan put a straw in and made John take a couple sips.

"Talk to me."

"What happened?  I got really tired all of the sudden."

"Your blood sugar plummeted, you were super low, but we caught it before you lost consciousness.  How much did you eat yesterday?"

"Not much, it got crazy with everything.  A few bites here and there, a muffin when I took my pills...the pizza...I don't remember what else."

"So no proper lunch, and no dinner, aside from the few bites of mine and the pizza?  John, you know better than that.  You took all your medication though right?"

"Yes, I took everything, that is why I have this fancy watch with all the alarm setting, right?  So I don't miss and I make sure to take everything on time?"

"Yes, it is, do we need to add on a few alarm times to make sure you eat?    Damn it, don't do that to me, lucky I woke you up when I did. Janelle, could you draw some blood for me?  Do a couple of each colour, I need to phone his doctors office and make sure I cover all the tests needed."

John frowned at her slightly then shook his head.

"No, no blood, just tell them what happened and make me an appointment to see them right away.  They always do the tests in their own lab, that way they don't miss anything.  I'm okay, Susan, I just didn't eat enough, they'll get me in by tomorrow, they will just end up sticking me again anyway."

"Are you sure?"  She held up her hand to Janelle to stop her before she started to draw blood.

"Yes, I hate being a pincushion, just call them, the number is on my card in my wallet, and they will give you directions.  I'm okay, I feel a lot better already and don't even think about admitting me."

"You are feeling better, starting to argue and get bossy, that's a good sign I suppose.  Fine."  She reached into his jacket, pulling out his wallet and digging for the card.  "Thanks Janelle, I'll call if I need anything else, he's giving orders, the shot obviously worked.  I'll redo the blood sugar in a few minutes."

"No problem."  The nurse left, knowing she had a ton of work waiting for her.

"Uh uh, you stay there until I talk to your doctor."  She waggled a finger at him as he started to get up.  

Susan kept an eye on him while she spoke to his doctor, giving him all the stats and telling him what happened.

"Thank you, I'll tell him."  She hung up the phone.  "You are to get blood done tomorrow morning before you take any immunosuppressants, so as close to 24 hours since your last dose, and then you have an appointment at 9:30am.  You take them at about 8 am right?"

"Yes, I just took them, that is my morning alarm, that was 8 right?"

"Yes, that is the only reason I woke you up, so you could keep on schedule, it's important to take the stuff the same time every day right?"

"Yeah, so they tell me, and you know that.  So you going to let me get up now?"

"No, just stay there, I'm calling Jing-Mei, see if she can come and take you home, you can leave me your car keys and I will come home when they are done with me."  She held up a warning hand as he opened his mouth to protest.  "Uh, uh, no arguing, not a word, you scared me and I am not letting you drive until you've eaten and had some more sleep.  Your doctors office said continue your medication, make sure to have some small but regular meals, eat every 2 to 3 hours today, and take it easy.  They will read you the riot act tomorrow, I'm sure."

Susan dialled their home number quickly, getting Elise on the phone and asking her to have Jing-Mei come and give John a ride home.

"No, he's just too tired to drive and I am going to be here a while."  Susan skirted the truth, she would fill in Jing-Mei though, ask her to stay and keep an eye on John for a while.  She hung up, turning back to him.

"Don't give me that look, Susan, I know I messed up, but I'm fine."  He sat on the edge of the bed, holding out his hand to her.  "Come here."

Susan took the few steps to the bed, sinking into his embrace, letting him cuddle her against his chest.  

"Don't do that again, ever."  She finally let the tension go, let the emotions overtake her, she felt the tears start to run down her face.

"I'm sorry, you're right, I need to be more aware, I can't just...ignore meals like I used to.  I'm sorry, don't cry, I'm fine."

"No, you're not fine, you almost lost consciousness, you were acting really strange then you just zoned out...you scared me, I could have lost you."

"You'll have to try a lot harder to get rid of me.  Seriously, I'm fine, I will go home, eat and then you can call me when it's time to come pick you up.  Okay?"

"Okay.  Jing-Mei will be here soon."  Susan dug in his pockets, relieving him of his car keys.  "These are mine until I am sure you have eaten and rested."

John knew better than to argue, he sat back and sipped the juice, closing his eyes until Deb came and rescued him from the wrath of Susan.

* * *

 

"So what happened?"  Jing-Mei hit the elevator button, looking over at John.  "I am not to leave you alone until you eat, and have slept at least another 3 to 4 hours."

John looked over at her with a shake of his head.  

"She worries too much."

"No, John.  Spit it out, what happened?"  Jing-Mei used her no nonsense tone on him, and he knew he might as well confess.

"I didn't eat enough yesterday, so my blood sugar bottomed out, I take so many damn medications it messes with everything and if I don't watch what I eat then I pay for it.  It got crazy yesterday, so much happened and I lost track of the time, and I didn't eat."

"So why do you wear that fancy watch?  It doesn't keep time?"

"I took all my pills, do I get brownie points for that?"  He gave her a hopeful smile.

"Don't ask me, I'm not your wife, she is some pissed at you, John, you scared the life out of her passing out like that.  It's not funny."

They stepped into the elevator, quiet for the moment due to the other passengers going down with them.  She led him out to the parking, making him get in the passenger side.  

"It's my car."  He complained.

"So?  It will be your hunk of twisted metal and...whatever else they make these expensive SUV's out of if you try and drive right now.  Shut up, get in, and buckle up, I am under strict instructions to get you home safely and I value my life too much to argue with Susan when she gets like this.  I'm surprised you're still arguing about it.  Quit whining like a two year old and get in the car."

"Fine, fine.  You'll rat on me, is that what you are saying?"

"No, I'm saying that if I don't keep an eye on you and something happens, Susan will hunt me down.  Is it really a big deal?  I'll take you home, you can eat, see your kids and have a nap, sounds kind of good if you ask me."

"You have me there."  He sighed and leaned back in he seat.

"Talk to me.  Something is bothering you."

"Just the complete loss of control in my life.  I feel...controlled all the time."

"By Susan?"  Jing-Mei shot him a confused glance, turning quickly back to the busy roadway.  "Are you two having problems?"

"No not Susan, she's great, we are doing really well.  It's the living life by alarm, I feel like I am always taking something or getting my blood taken by those vampires at the lab.  The doctors appointments, it's endless, case in point today, I don't eat quite enough and I end up passing out and freaking out Susan.  You know all those patients over the years, you think, hey, they have a shot right?  They should be grateful, but the reality is that it's frustrating, and I'm a doctor, I know the medications and the side effects and the realities.  Some days it's overwhelming.  I can only imagine how kids feel when this happens to them."

Jing-Mei pulled to stop in front of the house, turning off the ignition then turning to look at him.

"I'm sure it is frustrating and overwhelming, but you have a lot to be thankful for, don't forget that.  You have a wife that loves you, beautiful children, a life worth making that effort for John.  You're right, your reality is this will never go away, you will have to be vigilant the rest of your life, but so do a lot of people.  I still think you are lucky in a lot of ways, you are still able to be active, you travel, you work, you take your kids to the park.  You know what I think?"

"What?"

"That right at this moment, you have so much going on in your life that you need to take a few steps back and get some perspective.  You've gone from married with no kids to married with 5 kids and one on the way in what?  Less than three years?  You just went through a very rough day, a major scare with Susan ending up in surgery, after working a long shift and you are running on empty.  You are overtired, stressed out, hungry and that could get to anyone pretty quickly.  You need to eat and you need to sleep and it will all look better."

"My voice of reason.  Thanks Deb, I think you're right, I love what I have, I am just so tired I can barely function."

"Let's get you inside, I think Elise has been cooking up something great, and the kids were just down for naps, so you should be able to have some quiet time, sleep, have a shower...and I will make sure Susan gets home safely."

* * *

 

Susan lay back on the bed, flipping open a magazine to keep her mind occupied.  John had given her a fright this morning, watching him slide like that was scary, and she knew he had relaxed too much, he was doing well but she didn't want him to be complacent.  

It was up and down right now, things were good, but they had stressors in their lives, adding on the fact that Devon was going to come live with them, it was going to get insane at their place in the next few months.  They were renovating yet another house, it was a nice place but the finishings were outdated, and John had come up with some plans to make it more like the house they were in now, just a bit bigger with more bedrooms and bathrooms.  Then they had to pack and move, then they would have a new baby in the house, and Devon moving in, on top of the health concerns, they needed to make a few changes in how things were being handled.

Her ending up in the ER yesterday had not helped, and then of course not sleeping well did not make it any better.  He had gone from super concerned to not concerned enough about his own health, and it worried her a bit.  She was not sure he had gone to talk to anyone yet, and she blamed herself for not following up with him.  He was a grown man of course, but she knew this was something he might well try and avoid, try to bury again, when he needed to put it properly to rest.

She heard a light tap on the door, looking over to see Roxanne standing there.

"Susan?  Do you have a minute?"

"Sure, come on in."  Susan put aside her magazine surprised to see Roxanne yet again.

"Nice, how did you swing the private room?  Pull some strings since John works here?"  Roxanne looked around, this room was much nicer than the double she had been put in, at the opposite end of the hallway too.

"Something like that, John wanted to make sure I got my rest, he does things like that, you know?"

"I suppose, I guess he is doing better these days, being a doctor and not a resident.  How is he anyway?  I heard the nurses say something earlier, is he all right?"

"What did the nurses say?"  Susan was thinking she might have a word with them, talking about doctors in front of the patients was something they needed to be careful about, letting out private information was not permissible in her books.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be nosy, just that he...passed out or something and she was talking about medications and how they can affect blood sugar."

"Well, they shouldn't be talking about stuff like that, but he's fine, he didn't eat and didn't sleep much, yesterday was stressful, I am sure you get that, just having had surgery yourself.  Don't worry about him, I think you have enough of your own things to worry about."

"I know, you're right, but...we have a history, I know him, and he was really great last night, he let me talk to him, he gave me some good advice.  It's been a long time since anyone was so straight forward about anything, you are pretty lucky to have him."

"Yes, I am.  Glad he was able to help a bit, he's incredibly good at helping people."

"Which is why I am surprised he is giving it up like he is...years of school to just...write?"

"He does way more than write, he sits on two Boards, he volunteers his time here and at the Centre, and he writes and publishes medical articles...he isn't giving it up, he's just taking a break, a well deserved one.  I doubt you will ever see John Carter stop being a doctor, he loves it too much to really give it up, we just both have a lot of demands on our life right now."

"What is the Centre?"

Susan gave the woman an appraising look.  "As much as you think you know John, I suspect you don't...at all.  You dated him for a few months over a decade ago?  I have to tell you, he is not quite the same guy you dated.  I mean, he's still really great, he's kind, he's generous, he's all of that, but he is not who you think he is Roxanne, I suspect you never knew the real John Carter."

"Sure I did, he was sweet, a lot of fun, he worked hard, long hours which drove me crazy and Lucy drove me even crazier. That girl used to trail him like a puppy.  He didn't have much, but it seems he does better now, I mean, those are really nice rings, hope he didn't go into to big a debt for those, but $50,000 easy right?"

"No, he didn't have to go into big debt for them."  Susan was not about to correct Roxanne, the rings were far more valuable than she guessed, even Susan was not quite sure how much John paid for them, but it was more than $50,000, she was pretty sure about it.  "So how long have you lived in Chicago?"

"Almost my whole life, why?"

"And you haven't ever made the connection?  The Centre he volunteers at is called the Carter Centre, you know that big new health care facility that is down the street?"

"That's kind of funny, John Carter...Carter Centre.  Kind of like the Carter Symphony Hall, and the Carter..."  Roxanne stopped and looked at Susan, her mind finally registering.  "Are you saying...that John is one of... _those_ _Carters_?  The ones who have their names on about half the buildings in town?"

Susan just looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"No way, he was an RA, lived in Kerry's basement, worked in a County hospital...drove a _Jeep_."

"A brand new Jeep.  He had a falling-out with his grandmother at one point, but he has always been...well off.  He never flaunts it, you would never know just meeting him, obviously, you dated him and didn't figure it out, but...he is indeed one of those Carters.  In fact he had the Carter Centre built, it's been open less than a year, but was the man behind that whole idea...well, I guess him and his ex wife, but that's another story. His name never clued you in?"

"John Carter?  No, it's sounds pretty ordinary."

"So it does."  Susan laughed.  "He never told you his full name then."

"Well he did, something about being named after his grandfather, but I didn't pay much attention.  Why are you telling me this?"

"I guess to tell you not to worry, he's fine, he's not going to stop being a doctor, he doesn't need your concern, as well intended as it is."

"Oh."  Roxanne nodded.   "I get it, Susan, you are telling to back away from your husband, right?  You have no intention of ever letting another woman get anywhere near him and you didn't like that whole scenario last night.  Me, him, middle of the night, talking to an old girlfriend?  If I were you, I'd be more worried about Harper, I know John's married and he made it crystal clear that he would never cheat on you.  She's territorial though, she was all over him, and she has his son, right?"

"Last night was no big deal, not exactly comfortable sleeping here in the hospital, and it was a busy day.  So he wandered around the hospital, you sat and talked, ate some pizza, whatever, I am not in the least worried or bothered about it Roxanne.   Don't worry about Harper either, I have her number, and I _don't_ trust her.  I trust him, but not for a second do I fully trust her, that is like turning your back on the ocean and being surprised by the rogue wave that carries you out to sea.  I don't doubt for a second if things went wrong between John and I that she would be there in a heartbeat.  I am sure she would be happy to console him if she had the opportunity.   However, she had her chance and she messed it up, she won't get another one."

Roxanne gave a little snort of laughter.  "I like you, he can really pick his women.  Console him?  You mean sleep with him, she would be in his bed in less than two seconds, count on it. You don't seem surprised about her being all over him, who told you?"

"John told me, we don't have many secrets...I met him when he was 23, we know each other really well, we talk about everything.  He knew I would prefer I heard it from him, after all I know a lot of the nurses and doctors in the ER, I would have heard eventually.   He didn't do anything wrong as far as I can see."

"No, she pretty much jumped on him, he kind of peeled her off.  Still, if that was my husband, I would not be so calm as you, I would be angry."

"At who?  Him?  Or her?"

"Both probably, he hasn't set the boundaries, and she is all over a married man like she owns him.  She still considers him hers on some level."

"Or he has set boundaries and she ignores them because she's Harper and she thinks she can get away with it because she's know him so long.  Devon was a result of the second time they dated, she's know him since he was 24."  Susan met Roxanne's eyes.  "You don't have to worry about it, my marriage is well under control, John and I understand each other, we both have zero tolerance for cheating or lying.  As you said he made it crystal clear to you, so you must have said something?"

"Oh, that, well, I asked him if he thought my husband was cheating on me, he said for sure he was, and it kind of went from there.  It seemed to me he had some experience with the cheating spouse and I asked him outright if he'd cheated on you.  He said he would never do that to you, but I am not so sure about his ex wife.  He didn't get into it and changed the subject on me.  He does that a lot...kind of like Lucy, he won't talk about her and it makes me wonder what really happened there."

Susan knew the feeling, John did try and dodge topics and he was the master of redirecting, probably learned it in the ER...or maybe younger given his family.  He could so often come up with this very reasonable sounding politically correct answer that threw off the line of questioning.  Helpful to have that skill, patients overstepped frequency with inappropriate comments and questions...and John had been hit on a lot in the ER, patients had often tried to pick him up...what woman wouldn't take a shot?  

Susan wanted to shut down Roxanne with the whole Lucy thing, though, most people left him alone about it, and she needs to as well.

"What happened?  Lucy died, Roxanne, and it was...traumatic for the entire staff in the ER when it happened.  I wasn't there at the time, I was still in Phoenix, but it was bad, so don't nag him about her."

"What?  Lucy died?  I'm sorry, I didn't know, he just said he didn't want to talk about her and I though she dumped him or something and left Chicago."

"No, not even close, they never dated, she was still his student at the time she died, so it was difficult, but it was a long time ago and you need to leave it be."

"Hm, something he said made me think he'd lost someone close, makes sense."

"Mmhm, but he's lost more than one person close to him, so you should leave that alone too.  You don't really know him Roxanne, as long as I've known him there are times when he can still surprise me."

"It has been years, but I promise, I just enjoyed talking to him again, but point taken, he's not the same guy I dated, that is obvious.  I liked him, a lot, but...I get pushy, and he didn't like it and dumped me.  I have to be outgoing and assertive in my job, but I overstepped, I understand that now, but I didn't at the time.  He didn't like me talking to Lucy about him either, I don't know if that was part of it?  Or if he found out afterwards, but...I asked her if they were sleeping together, and I should just give up on the relationship.  I didn't know she had ever told him about that, but I guess she did, and he did not like it."

"I would bet not, I am sure you would not like it if he asked someone at your work that question either, you should have asked him directly."

Susan heard the tap on her door and McLucas came in.  "Susan, we need to do one more ultrasound and if it's all good you can go home."

Roxanne stood up and made to go.  "It was good talking to you, tell John thanks, and good luck."  She departed quickly leaving Susan with her doctor.

"Ready?  Did John want to be here?"

"I made him go home, he was at the end of the proverbial rope, he needed to eat and get some sleep."

"Oh yes, I heard a little something, but I thought he would be too stubborn to leave.  I'll take a picture of the baby for you."

"Perfect."

* * *

 

 

  


	46. Everyone Hurts

John woke up hours later, coming to the surface of consciousness slowly.  The bed beside him was empty, and the house seemed still and quiet.  He squinted over at the clock, realizing it was afternoon and he had been asleep for hours.  He knew if he was going to sleep tonight, he'd better get out of bed soon.

He slowly swung his legs over the side, taking a few deep breaths, spotting the glass of water on the beside table.  He smiled, knowing it was waiting there for him, and he downed half the glass, before dragging himself to the shower.  He flicked on the water, letting it run for a few minutes before stepping in, letting the warm water sluice over him.  Finally feeling almost revived, he shut of the shower and wrapped up in a towel, rubbing the moisture from the mirror, giving a sigh at his scruffy unshaven face.

Later, he would worry about that later, he needed to take the next round of medications soon, then have something to eat in about an hour.  He'd promised Susan, he would take better care, and he needed to do just that.  He wandered back into the bedroom, digging for some comfortable sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, he was just going to take it easy around the house so he didn't want to get dressed up.

His watch started to buzz, he stopped and dug out his medication, dumping them in his hand, staring at them for a moment before throwing them in his mouth and chasing them down with some of the water left in the glass.  Jing-Mei was right, he was not alone, a lot of people depended on medications, and they had managed to get him down to as low a dosage as possible without risking rejection.  He had also been diligent up until yesterday, so he was actually even luckier, they had kept the other medications to a minimum.

He wanted to be there for his family, Devon was coming to live with them, they had a new baby boy arriving soon, how could he give all of that up?  The fatigue and stress had gotten to him, Deb was astute, she saw it.  She also knew what it was to be alone, to not have much family, her parents having died a few years back and being an only child.

John pretty much felt like an only child, he rarely saw his sister, and of course his dad had gone on his merry way, his mom was still AWOL, and he didn't figure that would ever change. His family, Susan, the kids were everything and only a stupid man would let it all go.

He peeked into the bedrooms, the kids were all elsewhere it seemed, he went downstairs hearing soft voices from the kitchen.

"Hey, look who decided to grace us with his presence."  Jing-Mei rose from the stool, flashing him a smile as Susan turned.

"You're up, you look much better."  She came towards him, reaching her arms up around his neck, giving him a long kiss.  She rubbed his stubble lightly.  "Someone needs a shave, but it kind of suits you, this slightly scruffy look."

It was unusual to see him unshaved for more than about a 24 hour period, but oddly she really did like it.  She didn't like to see him with a full beard, just the light stubble was kind of sexy, she would allow it for a day or two then she would make sure he got rid of it.

"I am glad you're home, when did they let you come home?  Why didn't you wake me up?"  John caressed her belly, not ready to let her go.

"A couple hours ago, I have a picture to show you."  Susan reached up and rubbed his face again, it was just getting long enough to not be overly scratchy.

"Sorry, too lazy to shave today, but tomorrow I promise.  Deb, we haven't scared you off quite yet?"  He looked around.  "Where is everyone?"

"Elise and Cosmo took Ava, Ben and Maya to the park for a bit, they will be back soon, and dinner will be ready around 5 or so, which I know is early, but that we can all eat together?"  Susan finally moved away, picking up the ultrasound picture she had shown Jing-Mei.

"Sounds good, Deb, you joining us?"

"I thought I might, haven't had the chance for a while, need to catch up on all the happenings."

John studied the ultrasound for a few moments.  

"Sorry I missed it, I would have liked to be there."  He ran a finger over the form of their son, sad that he had missed it, but knowing Susan had been right to send him home.  He would not have been much use at the hospital today.

"Don't worry, I have to have another soon, McLucas is sending a copy of the records to my doctor and they are going to keep an eye on things, if I have any more pain I am supposed to go in right away.  I feel pretty good, I'm a bit sore of course, and no lifting for at least a couple weeks due to the baby, so you are going to have to help Elise with the kids more than me."

"That's okay.  Other than my appointment tomorrow and a Board meeting in a few days, I should be mostly around.  Though I have to go clean out my locker, Cate wants to be able to reassign it, and I'm not taking shifts for at least 6 months now."

Jing-Mei looked at him in surprise.  "What?  Not working at all?"

"Well, I still work Deb, I have the two Boards and I am writing a couple articles, but no shifts, I promised Susan with the baby coming, and you don't know yet, but we are taking Devon.  Plus we bought a new house and we are moving in about 6 weeks, as soon as the upgrades are finished."

"Wow, you have been busy, and you're taking Devon?  When did that happen and how...why?  I though Harper was adamant about having him in Germany at the base with her."

"Harper got a job in Houston and the hours are not conducive to the well being of a three year old, so I said I would take him.  The new house is because we need the room, we love this place but we should have added at least one more bedroom when we renovated it.  At the time we were planning on one baby and Cosmo...and you know how that turned out.  I thought we were going to have plenty of room, but now it turns out we don't."

Jing-Mei laughed lightly, he had told her the whole story when she'd gotten back from China, and then dropped the new baby thing on her shortly after they found out Susan was expecting again.

"Yes, funny how that works, planning on two, ending up with six, that is a bit beyond the original plan.  They are beautiful kids though, and you will never be bored."

"I suppose not, just wait until they start school, that should be interesting.  We have to look into it but for now we are leaving Cosmo where he is. Devon isn't quite 3 yet, we have some time to look at his options, then I expect Ava, Ben and Maya will end up all starting school the same year."

"Wow, I never thought about that."  Susan voiced her thoughts.  "That will be interesting, having three kids in the same class?   We have to decide where they are going too, have a whole lot to think about."

John nodded, then looked over at Jing-Mei.

"So Deb, how is the volunteering going, you like it?"

"All I can say is the place is amazing, John.  I love it, you did a terrific job, well set up, it has everything, so much more than County."

"I have the private backers whereas County is counting on tax dollars.  We still have the challenges of dealing with HMO's, but most of them accept us treating their patients, though there are some billing issues at times."

"Nice to have the endowment though, I find that solves a lot of problems, even when it has to be a stop gap while waiting for the insurance coverage to come in when the client needs medications, the whole system really works."

"Todd was a big help designing all of that, I remember having a patient who had been diagnosed with AIDS and he was finally qualified for Medicaid, but he needed prescriptions right away.  The pharmacy wouldn't give him the medication without him paying though, because he had to wait for his card, but he couldn't afford it and it takes weeks for the card to arrive.  We found a way around it, so those in poverty with no insurance can actually get what they need when they need it."

"Well, you and Todd both did a wonderful job, the referral system is pretty smooth, I find most shifts are easy compared to County and all the hassles we had.  Nice way to ease back into work after being away, though Cate Banfield has been after me to come to County, I hear they lost two volunteers recently."  She gave John a wink.  "You need the time off though, I think we all agree on that point."

"Been talking about me have you?"

Susan reached out to wrap an arm around his waist.  

"Well, talking about both of us actually.  McLucas said she was glad I'm off work, taking it easy until the baby comes is a good idea, and my doctor said the same thing.  With you, it's more our little scare today, you need to have some time too, John, I know you like to be busy but it's not like you have nothing to do.  You my love are stressed out, and that is not a good thing."

"Deb is such a rat.  Right?"  He raised an eyebrow at her.  "You are staying so you can gang up on me?  That seems familiar."

"Okay, I won't deny it, I was worried about you, and Susan is your wife, she needs to know John.  I wasn't sure you would say anything to her, so I did.  Be mad if you want, but I did it for you, because I care about you and I know how you get.  I sat by once and didn't do enough and damned if I will ever let things get that bad again John.  Don't ask me to pretend, I can't and I won't.  I am not going to lie to you either, I think you are letting something get to you, I don't know what it is, but you need to talk to someone before it goes too far."  

Jing-Mei was almost in tears,  she still carried a level of guilt in her heart, for how everyone let John sink so far, so fast when he came back to work after the stabbing.  She would rather he be angry with her than let him fall like that again, she had seen the changes, warned Mark, and nothing had been done.  This time she was going to make sure he was okay, not trust that someone else would do it.  The only person she could trust as far as John was concerned was Susan, so she had told her how frustrated he was with the situation.

John dropped onto one of the stools, sighing deeply.

"Don't, just...I'm fine Deb, I don't know how to get that across to you, but my life is completely different now than it was back then.  I am not afraid to talk to someone when I need to, and I was frustrated and overtired.  Don't make more out of it than it is, okay?  I. Am. Fine.  Stop analyzing me, stop talking about it behind my back, just stop.  It was never your fault, I did it to myself, okay?"

"No, not okay, John.  There were people around you who totally missed it...we were all doctors, and we were so wrapped up in our own lives, in ourselves, we missed what was going on and did nothing.  That is on us, it's on me, it's on Kerry, Mark, Benton...all those people who were supposed to be there for you and they weren't.  This time, John, no way, I am not going to let you deny, or put me off or...whatever you are trying to do."

"Except you did notice, and you did try, and this is not the same, I am not the same person, I am not in the same place.  Don't you get it?  I have everything, then I had nothing, not quite the same thing.  I appreciate your concern, but damn it, when we have a conversation, are you going to report it to my wife?  I do not appreciate that, at all, sometimes I need to just...talk, vent, let things out, and now I know that I can't trust you to keep it to yourself, it won't be you I talk to, making a big deal out of nothing."

He got up and strode out of the kitchen, heading back up the stairs, changing quickly into jeans and shirt, picking up his wallet and jacket, he went back down and out the door without another word to either of them.  He was furious, he trusted Deb, they'd been friends a long time and she shared their conversation.  Not that he had anything to hide, it was more that he would have preferred she talked to him again directly if she had concerns, not get Susan involved in it, especially not today.

Didn't Deb get it?  She was his friend and he had felt comfortable sharing with her, he let his guard down and she had to go to his wife about it?

He walked into the pub, looking at his watch, figuring he would just get something to eat, and cool off a bit.  He hated not seeing the kids, but right now he didn't want to be home.  He ordered, then sat watching the game for a while while he sipped his drink.

"Hey, can I join you?"  The deep accented voice cut into his thoughts.

"Sure why not Luka.  Sent you to find me did she?"

Luka shrugged, knowing it was pointless to deny that Susan had called, hoping they knew where John was hiding out.  Hoping he'd called Luka.  He didn't want to lie to John, they were friends and Luka had come to value the friendship more than he could have imagined.  His family was all in Croatia, he'd come back to a broken down marriage, but he felt bound to stay in the US, knowing if he left again he was taking Joe from his mother.  John had been there, lending his support and his ear, and Luka would never forget his African rescue.

"She's worried, she called Lexi, but we don't have to talk about it, we can just have something to eat and shoot some pool.  Unless you _want_ to talk about it."

"Are you going to report our conversation back to my wife?"  John tried to tone down the sarcasm, but he knew it was there, even if Luka didn't deserve his suspicion, he was still angry at Deb.

Luka frowned.  "Uh, what?"

"Nothing, never mind, I ordered a few minutes ago, so decide what you want, we can watch the game, and then, sure, some pool might be nice.  I don't feel much like being home right now."

"Do you mind if I phone Lexi?  Let her know you're okay, Susan really is worried about you.  You don't have your phone?  Susan was trying to call you."

John patted his pockets.  "Guess not, left it at home.  Fine, call Lexi, tell Susan not to worry, I'll be home...later."

Luka dialled his cell, talking briefly to Lexi and assuring her John was fine and he would be home after they'd eaten and hung out for a while.  He clicked the phone off, then ordered, John's food just arriving at the table.

"Eat it while it's hot John, mine will be here in a couple minutes."  Luka had to smile, it looked good, better than what he had ordered.  "I'm surprised you aren't home, Lexi said Susan was in the hospital yesterday.  What happened?"

"She's fine, she came into the ER though, she ended up needing a laparoscopy, ruptured cyst.   They did it yesterday, kept her for observation overnight, she came home today."

"Oh.  So you're fighting with Susan about something?"

"No, I didn't have a fight with Susan, I was pissed off at Deb...Jing-Mei, she just happened to be at our place, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore so I left.  I was too tired to drive home earlier so Deb picked me up, I told her a couple of things and she goes to Susan and tells her.  Just...annoys the hell out of me, you know?  That would be like you and I talking and you telling Susan what we talked about.  I get that Deb knows Susan and all, but she's been a friend a long time and it feels..."  John cut off and shrugged.

"Like a violation of trust?  You have a lot of women friends don't you."

"Yeah, I guess I do, for some reason I always have been closer to women.  Not that I don't _have_ any guy friends, I just have more women friends.  I didn't tell her anything that I wouldn't share with Susan, but that she just...had to go behind my back and talk to my wife, it pisses me off."

Luka tipped back his beer, nodding as he listened to Carter.  Of course he was angry, Luka knew what they talked about was sacred, you didn't tell people.  Except Chen was a woman and they didn't have the same code, or so it seemed.  

"I hear you, John, women are different creatures, which is why I am glad we are friends.  I know I can tell you things and I don't have to worry you will tell Susan, who would of course tell Lexi."

"I guess that's my problem, trusting women to start with.  That's it, I'm done with telling women anything, I swear, they just can't seem to keep it zipped.  Debbie yaps to Angelique, who then tells you.  Susan talked to Harper, Roxanne talked to Lucy, Deb rats on me to Susan, so much for privacy.  I don't even know if I want to tell Susan anything anymore, women, can't trust them."

"Oh it's not that bad, Susan loves you, and you know it.  Don't cut her out or stop talking to her or your marriage is going to go down faster than a sinking ship.  You know I'm right."

John looked over at Luka, and he could just tell what he was thinking...look at how well Abby communicated and it ruined her relationship with both of them.  Clamming up would do nothing except make his lawyer happy about how much money he could earn when Susan filed for divorce.

"I know Luka, I can't argue with you, can I?  It's frustrating, you know she went to Harper before she took Devon back to Germany?  They talked, isn't that nice, so cozy my ex and my wife chatting it up, just great."

"At least they get along, and I am sure Susan didn't tell her anything she didn't already know."

"Well, I would not say they get along.  Harper came to see me at work, and got a little too friendly, I think next time Susan sees her she might take her down.  That would be a bit fun to watch, not sure who would win, but could be entertaining."  This made John smile faintly, Harper was a tough cookie but a pissed off Susan...hm, might be an equal fight.

Luka snickered at the image, glad John was lightening up.  "What?  So what did Harper do?"

"You know, she came running in and just, grabbed me?  Jumped on me is more accurate I guess, right in the middle of the ER, then she made a nice suggestive comment to Abby at the admit desk, in front of Jerry.  So naturally everyone knows what she said and on top of the...inappropriate contact it makes it look like there is more going on than there is.  Of course I had to tell Susan, because she was going to hear about it through the rumour mill and I can just tell she wants to kill Harper.  But she let it go, fortunately, she didn't get angry with me."

"That's good, at least she didn't take _you_ down."  Luka was grinning again, giving his head a rueful shake.  Something about Carter, he attracted women, even Gillian had taken her shot at getting him into her bed.  Unsuccessfully, John was still with Abby and sensitive to the fact that Luka had his eye on Gillian, but still, the guy had women practically fighting over him and it was disconcerting.  Luka suspected that Abby would be taking another shot at John too if he and Susan ever broke up, but she would have to climb over Harper to get to him.  In fact he was a little suspicious of Abby at the moment and her intent as far as John was concerned.

"I suppose."  John picked at his salad.  "Harper is moving to Houston, and asked me to take Devon.  So in about a month he is moving in with us."

"Wow, but you don't seem excited about it."

"I am, trust me, I have wanted Devon closer, but that means Harper is closer too.  Which is maybe not quite as exciting, especially not for Susan.  Harper flirts, and I've told her to stop, but she still flirts, and make inappropriate comments and is too...affectionate with me in public.  At some point Susan is going to lose her patience with it."

"Uh huh."  Luka nodded, hoping he would continue, he let the silence grow as the waitress placed his plate in front of him.  "Thanks Nina."

John waited until Nina went back to the kitchen before he said anything further.

"Harper didn't want it all, you know?  The break up after Darfur got a little messy, and she didn't tell me about Devon until she got in that accident.  But now I know about him, it seems like all the rules changed again, she is making it up as we go along, and it's confusing.  I need to maintain a relationship with her because we have a child, but...hm, I don't know quite how to do this Luka.  I care about Harper, but I love Susan.  How do you make it work with Abby and Joe, with Lexi in the picture."

"Abby doesn't care about me the same way Harper cares about you John.  Be careful, really careful with Harper, she is a firecracker, or so I hear.  Debbie and Angelique got to know her a bit, and...hell I am just going to say it.  If you and Susan don't work out, Harper is going to be there, you must know that, like she was there when things went down with Kem?"  Luka looked at him meaningfully.  "I don't want to make this tougher, but...that woman wants you back, she can deny it until they bring the cows to the barn, but you need to keep some distance if you want your marriage to last."

John laughed.  "Cows come home Luka."

"What?"

"Until the cows come home, that is the slang phrase.  Funny, Susan said something similar, that Harper went back to Germany because she doesn't like to see Susan and I together.  Harper is possessive, she was territorial with Debbie, she keeps dropping into my life...maybe you're right Luka, but what can I do, she's Devon's mother."

"If she makes the advances, rebuff her until she gets the point."  Luka waved at Nina for another drink.  "John, you are the happiest I have seen you in...probably as long as I have known you when you are with Susan.  Be careful with the ex-girlfriends.  Abby included."

John looked up from where he was studying his salad, still pushing it around on his plate.

"Nothing is going on with Abby."

"Yeah right, not on your side, but...look, we have a long history with Abby in the middle, and I don't want to start anything.  Just...Abby always loved you, John, it was never me, it didn't work the first time and she picked fights to make me break up with her so she could go to you."

"What?  I thought you broke up with her...or so the nurses said, and they are generally right."

"Ha, I did break up with her, but because she was hung up on you, it didn't work because of you okay?  Then things fell apart with you and she acted like...it was no big deal and I thought okay, she's over you and finally we got back together.  It wasn't planned, but I still kind of loved her, and when she found out she was pregnant, and decided to keep him, I wanted us to be a family."  Luka held up a hand to stop John from speaking.  "Wait, I'm not finished.  Things fell apart for us, she did her Abby thing and stopped talking to me, but I know in her heart, she was...settling for me because you went back to Kem.  She waited for you, she was waiting that whole time, through you losing your son, through the whole thing with Wendall, she was waiting for you to get over Kem and go back to her."

"No, we were just friends Luka, she didn't give me any indication that she would want that, and to be honest, _I_ didn't want it."

"You are kind of blind when it comes to women, I have to say.  It took you forever to make a move on Abby after we broke up, you messed up with Susan because of Abby.  I could see it, John, and so could a lot of other people, she dated that Jake guy _only_ because you came home with Kem.  She hung around like a lost puppy, she went back to school, stopped drinking, stopped smoking, she did all of that for you, hoping you were going to come back and sweep her up in your arms.  When you didn't, she settled.  She settled for me, and it didn't take long for it to fall apart, for her to start drinking again, for her to sleep with someone else.  She would have tried harder for you, John."

"She drank a lot when we were together, she was happier when I left, she got it together when I went to Africa, I came home and...I knew it was right that I'd let her go."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that.  You gave her a kick in the ass, a much needed one, by walking out the door, you gave her a clear signal that status quo was not good enough for you, and she responded to it.  You gave her tough love, and she busted her ass to try and deserve you, but she didn't count on the fact that she had already killed it, you know?  Too little too late?"  Luka sighed.  "The point of this whole talk is, I know she is leaning on you again, trying to reconnect with you and wanting you to help her through the drinking.  She wants the old days, John, where you were wanting her as much as she was wanting you."

"She's not going to get them."

"Yeah, well she's going to try.  You know what I told her once?  That she didn't even know what she wanted. She plays games like a school girl who can have any boy she wants and then treats them all like crap.  It's true, John, she is playing game with you, just like she played games with the two of us back then, playing us against each other, and I won't allow it, dammit.  If you know what is good for you and your marriage, you will extract yourself now.  Don't let her drag you into her problems, make her go to whoever helped her get sober when you were gone to Africa.  Get out, and get out now before she damages something.”

 John frowned at that, thinking that Luka had hit on it, she _was_ kind of like that, she had played games for a while, not quite giving up on Luka, getting all up in his business with Nicole, while expecting _him_ to be on board with starting a relationship.  Was she playing him?  Maybe she was, he had to admit he was blind with women sometimes and Luka was telling it to him straight.  Luka had nothing to lose or gain in his conversation, he clearly was not getting back with Abby, he seemed really happy with Lexi.

"I'll take it under advisement."

"What?"

"Thanks Luka, I will try to get Abby to go to someone else, you're right, she can't call me at all hours to talk.  I'm not single, I have kids, a wife, and I won't give it up to put myself through hurricane Abby again.  She's...chaos, and the last thing I need in my life right now is chaos."

"Hurricane Abby."  Luka gave a snort.  "Like living in tornado alley, things are going along and suddenly, whoosh, everything is flying around, leaving a huge mess, destruction in its path.  She did it to both of us, sadly we let her play the game and we both lost...but then again maybe not as badly as she did.  We've both moved on but she is stuck, I hope she can unglue herself, but I am not so sure."

"Tornado, yeah, that sounds about right."  John thought back to after the lockup when he called Abby a tornado, and he now knew how right he was, she stirred things up left a wake behind her.  Not purposely, perhaps, Abby wasn't malicious, more...unthinking. Stuck her ways, unable to open her mind to the possibilities.  It took Abby a long time to make the connection, and by the time she did, people had passed her by, gone on with their lives, not able to put their lives on hold, just because she did.

"Susan is 10 times the woman, John, good decision.  You made the right choice marrying her, you are happy, with Abby you only looked happy for the first few months, then you never looked happy.  With Susan, you look...content...there is something so right about the two of you together."

"I wasn't all that happy at the end with Abby, it was too hard, too much work, keeping Abby sober and on track will always be a full time job, you're right, she had to do it for herself.  She still does.  Susan, well, what can I say, I felt a connection and chemistry with her right from the first day I met her but it was never the right time, and now it is.  I have to say, you look pretty content yourself, you smile a lot more with Lexi in your life.  I guess we both ended up where we were meant to be."

"Yup.  Let's shoot some pool, you look done, or are you going to torture that salad for a bit longer?"

"No, I'm done."

* * *

 

Jing-Mei looked at Susan wide eyed as John simply walked out, not another word from his mouth.  She heard the door slam slightly, and she didn't know what to say.

Susan slid onto the stool beside her, knowing it was best to let him go, he would be back once he cooled down, she knew it.

"I am so sorry, he is really angry, I didn't mean to get him all upset, he gets defensive so fast and I know better.  I'm causing problems between you two."

"Jing-Mei, relax, he will be back once he cools down, he is still not himself, it has been a tough couple of days.  I'll give it a few minutes then call Luka."

"Luka?  Luka Kovac?  Why would you call Luka, they barely tolerate each other."

"You have been away a long time, they are pretty good friends now, Luka was at our wedding, they talk, hang out and play pool.  Convenient really, since Luka is with Lexi.  Luka and Lexi got together because he showed up at our house to drop something off for John, and Lexi was there.  They hit it off, and the rest as they say is history.  Lexi is due about a month before me, Luka is thrilled, he's having a baby girl, we're having a baby boy, they already take the boys to the park, Cosmo, Joe, and Dev when he's here."

"So the two hottest doctors in the ER have gone all domestic, must be hearts breaking all over County about now."

Susan laughed out loud.  "Perhaps, everyone knows them, that's for sure.  I still remember that first Valentines when John was there, he got an insane number of love notes, half the women he could not even tell me who they were."

"Interesting, the two of you managed to take the playboys and domesticate them, tie them down, though I have to admit, John always wanted to be tied down, he dated a lot but I had the sense that he was looking for something, he finally found it with you."

"I believe that both John and Luka have always wanted it, Jing-Mei.  Luka was devoted to his wife and kids in Croatia and they died in the war, he has his demons but he is a good guy.  Same with John, he always wanted a relationship, but he's had his own demons to overcome."

"Is he okay, Susan?  Does he really open up to you?"

"Surprisingly?  Yes he does, we talk a lot, we don't keep a lot of secrets, and I do think he will be okay.  You know he let his blood sugar get out of control, a lot happened and he's definitely irritable today, not taking much to set him off.  Let me make that call quickly."  Susan jumped down and disappeared for a minute, Jing-Mei stared at the ultrasound picture, wondering if he really was okay.

John seemed...depressed...he was happy overall but the mood swings, the not sleeping, something else was going on and she wanted to make sure Susan didn't discount it, or gloss over it.

"Okay, Luka is going to try the pub they hang out at and call me if he's there.  I know he's all grown up but I still worry about him."

"Susan, has he been suffering from depression?  Not sleeping, being so irritable, moody, that is what he was like when he was using drugs, I thought he was bipolar or something, but it turned out to be PTSD, drug addiction, and though it's never been said, I think he was depressed, severely depressed and that is why he lost control of the prescription drugs.  What else is going on?"

"It's not been easy for him, what did he tell you about his break up with Kem?"

"Hm, well, I am assuming you know the whole story?"

"Yes, but I...this is hard, he doesn't like the whole behind his back thing, but I understand your concern."

"I know it was not going well, they were spending more time apart, he came to see me in China one time, kind of out of the blue.  We talked a bit, he was...struggling with all of it.  I know she cheated on him, I know he cheated on her with Harper after he found out, he kind of went off the deep end a bit but...I'm kind of glad he ran into Harper, I think she kept him above water."

"I'd love to hate her, but I think you're right, who knows what would have happened.  Using an affair as therapy is not great, but it apparently worked.  It's hard to imagine, but he finds out Kem's cheating and it takes him what, a couple hours and he's in bed with someone else?"

"He's a guy, Susan, you can't put it in terms of...what you or I would do, and you have to admit, running into an ex, who is also single and more than willing?  A few drinks?  I might have done the same thing, a bit of hot revenge sex?  That marriage was going down for a while, he was at the end of his rope, you know?"

"Yes, I know.  Then she totally ignores the fact she's married, he was really ill and she didn't even visit, or seem to care.  In answer to the depression?  I imagine yes, at times he must have been, his marriage fell apart, his affair ended, he got sick, ended up in the hospital in some foreign Country, comes home to deal with alone, because his parents have never take the time to be there for their only son?  He has no family left to speak of, he's not close to his sister, everyone he was close to has died or moved away?  He spent several years overseas and made friends there, but, he had to come home for treatment, he had no choice.  After dealing with the death of his son, and everything else that happened in his life in the last 10 years?."

"There's more that I don't know though, he said Kem agreed to the divorce, then refused to sign?  Then he finds out about Devon, but those things are all okay?"

"It's been up and down, finding Devon then having Harper take him back to Germany...not easy.  Finding out I was pregnant again after we decided not to have any more kids, that was not a good day.  The hardest is probably him facing his health issues, he knows logically, but it hasn't been easy emotionally.  He's had a couple of tough cases in the ER that kind of set him back too.  It's natural for him to have some days when he's down, but...I don't think it's severe depression, Jing-Mei, just normal reactions to things happening in his life."

"Keep an eye on him Susan.  I think back when he was using, he was...so close to the edge...then losing his son, the whole Kem thing, I wish I had been around for him, I don't really know how he got through it."

"Work, he threw himself into work.  Then he dated Wendall for a while, they broke up and he went back to Kem.  I don't know the details,  I was busy with Cosmo and Chuck, being a new mom, then being ER Chief."  Susan fiddled with her glass.  "What do you mean by close to the edge?"

"I think he...was hoping to get caught, that's why he did it.  Kind of a cry for help, if no one had caught him?  If Benton had not gone after him?  I...think eventually...he would have overdosed.  He went down fast and hard, Susan, it was scary how much he changed in that short time, we were so close to losing him.  Again."

"Purposely?  You think he might have done it on purpose?"  Susan inhaled deeply.  "That's what you mean right?"

Jing-Mei squeezed her hand.  "Sorry, but yes, I do mean it.  He would have done it right, there would have been no going back, he had access and knowledge, Susan, he would have been gone.  That's why I'm worried about him, he has a history, and over time things have built up.  He has had so much loss, I get concerned, especially how he was today.  Maybe I'm over exaggerating or making more out of it, perhaps it was just that he was overtired and still out of sorts from you having to revived him.  He was a bit irrational when I told him I was driving, but he gave it up quickly."

"I'm going with him to his appointment tomorrow, I will see what his doctor says.  They have a whole team there, including a therapist to talk to, because it is such a huge deal in ones life.  I want him to talk to someone anyway, the not sleeping, he wakes up at 2am nearly every morning and wanders for an hour before he comes back to bed.  

The phone sitting on the counter rang, Susan looked at the display and answered.   "Lex, hi."

"They're at the pub, he's fine, having something to eat and playing some pool, he'll be home in a while, don't worry."

"Thank goodness.  I tried his phone but he didn't answer."

"He doesn't have it with him, probably in the car or something, he's not ignoring you.  Luka doesn't even think he's mad, he just needed some space."

"Thanks.  Oh there are the kids coming in, I should go, but thank you."

* * *

 

John quietly locked the door and set the alarm, tiptoeing upstairs, peeking in at the kids.

He had missed them over the past couple of days, but tomorrow after his appointment maybe he could have some time with them.  He tried to be quiet, slipping into the bathroom to brush his teeth and change, finally crawling into his side of the bed.  He burrowed down against his pillow, feeling Susan move, rolling over towards him.

"Hi."  She said softly, reaching out to brush her fingers down his face, wanting this to be soft, to be welcoming, she didn't want to fight with him.

"You're awake, sorry I tried to be quiet."  He put his hand over hers, giving the palm a kiss.

"I was awake, and you were quiet, I just wanted to make sure you got home okay."

"I'm fine, I learned my way home a long time ago.  You knew where I was, I know Lexi called you.  I know you sent Luka to find me."

"Sorry.  I was worried, you left without saying anything and...I'm sorry, are you all right?"

"Don't worry about it, I'm fine, I told you that, I'm not so fragile you have to treat me like I'm 2."

"That's not what I meant, I don't want you to be angry with me, I really meant are we okay, are you mad at me."

"No, I'm not mad Susan, just disappointed that Deb feels she has to do that...she's been a friend for a long time and if she had concerns I wish she had talked to me, not gone running to you.  Doesn't she get it?"

"Get what?"  Susan asked softly.

"You don't need anymore stress, you got back from the hospital today, and she had to stir shit up.  I'm sorry for leaving like that, I am sure that didn't help with the stress either, it was stupid, but I didn't want to fight with you.  So I picked the lesser of the two evils, I chose to get out of the house for a bit."  He placed a hand on her belly.  "I know she still feels guilty about what happened, but it was years ago, and I really am not in the same place."

"She worries, John, she's your friend and she didn't mean to hurt you with this, but she was concerned about how you were acting today.  The truth is, you were supposed to go talk to someone and you haven't, you promised me, and you haven't done it.  You didn't take care of yourself, you let it get out of control and you could have died.  What happened this morning was serious, I could have lost you over something so stupid as not eating.  I need you, your kids need you, John."

"I know, you don't need to beat me up Susan, I already get it, it was careless, but I didn't do it intentionally, okay?  I don't want to leave you, or my kids.  Devon is moving here with us, we have a new baby coming, you think I want to miss our son being born?  Miss our kids first day of school, or their birthdays or Christmases?  After I got stabbed, I was pretty much alone, my family was not supportive, you get that.  I had a hard time opening up, everyone was busy with their lives, I was too proud to admit I needed help and I paid the price.  I was too scared, Susan, I worked so hard to get where I was and I felt like a failure because I couldn't handle it, I went back to work too soon, but I couldn't let it get the best of me."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not okay Susan, it's not."  John slid his arms around her, pulling her in closer, holding her against him, but not saying anything more.

"What's not okay? Tell me."  Susan finally whispered.  "John, tell me."

"I'm sorry for disappointing you, I promised you something and I didn't do it, because...I don't want to talk about it anymore.  Talking about it makes it real, I...can't."

Susan closed her eyes, rubbing the back of his neck, knowing that she needed to find a way to get him to talk to someone about everything that was going on.

"Sh, hey, I'm not disappointed John, I know its difficult, these have been a rough few weeks.  Let's get some sleep, we will talk in the morning after your appointment.  I love you, I need you, we will work it out." 


	47. Letting The Cables Sleep

The nurse filled the last vial, handing John a specimen cup.

"You know the drill."  

She pointed to the bathroom, John wordlessly went in and filled it, putting it in the small cupboard before washing his hands and going back out the waiting area.  Susan looked up from her magazine as he sat down beside her.

"All done?"

"Yes, we have a bit of time before my appointment, so I was thinking breakfast?  I need to eat soon if I’m going to stay on schedule, and my wife gets upset when I get off schedule.”

“Smart ass. Though I could eat...in fact I feel like that is all I do these days, I’m always hungry.”

“You are growing our son in here, if he eats like I do, no doubt you need food.”  He rubbed her belly and leaned in for a kiss.  "Lets go."  

He stood, holding out his hand and pulling her up from the chair.  Susan laughed a bit, waddling and ungainly as they left the room, John noticed the smiles, everyone seemed so interested in the belly.  Just wait until she actually had the baby, they got enough attention these days when they were out with the kids in public, add Devon and their new son, it was going to be interesting.

One of their favourite small cafes was located not far from the doctors office,  making it easy to order quickly, a simple ’the usual’ had the waitress smiling and scooting back to the kitchen.

"Mm, I needed this."  Susan dug into her eggs, John stealing a piece of bacon from the side plate.  "Hey, that's mine."

"I know, you never let me have any, you know how long its been since I've eaten bacon?"  John scarfed it down before she could protest further. 

"Fine, once piece, that's it."  Susan ate silently for a few minutes.  "You need to call Jing-Mei, she was kind of upset last night.  I think you were a bit harsh John."

"Was I?  Maybe, I don’t know."  She gave him _the_ _look_.  The don’t argue with me or you will pay later look and he capitulated.  “All right, I will call her and go for a coffee later.”

"Good, she has been your friend a long time John, don't let something small and silly get in the way.  We both know you were still off yesterday, and...we both know you still need to deal with _things_.  Jing-Mei was worried.  I wasn't around...you know...before, so I don't know what went on, but she was really worried about you yesterday and she didn't want to make the same mistake twice.  She also thinks that you are angry with me and she is wrecking our relationship.”

John looked at Susan long and hard, silently sipping his coffee.  

"You told her right?  I was not angry with you Susan, in fact I am not sure why I was so mad at Deb other than the fact I hate it when people talk about me behind my back when they should be talking to my face."

“Told her...that you’re not angry with me?  No, I told her you’d be back when you cooled off and not to worry, but I don't think it helped.  It's a fine line John, between trying not interfere, trying not to talk about someone and ignoring something that might be a real problem.  She was there, she’s terrified of making that mistake again, of not paying attention, of losing you.  If something happened and she could have prevented it, she would never forgive herself."

"I'm fine, Susan, I'm here, I'm trying, I am, she doesn't need to worry."  He ate a couple more bites then pushed his plate away leaning forward and rubbing his hands through his hair.  "Why is this so hard for anyone to grasp.  I'm fine."

Susan sighed, dropping her napkin on the remains of her meal before pulling out her wallet and dropping some cash on the table for the bill.

"Walk with me.  Come on."  She held out a hand, sliding to the edge of her chair.  John supported her as she rose from sitting, not letting go of her hand.

He glanced at his watch, it was still early, no escape into his appointment, Susan was going to make him do this, she was not taking 'I'm fine' as a valid response.

Susan entwined their fingers, holding tightly to his hand.

“John.”  Her voice was soft, but she was refusing to look at him, he didn’t think she was angry, but something was going on in her mind.

"What?" He glanced over at her, he could see the furrow in her brow.

"I...need to ask you something and it's not easy for me.  I don't know quite how to ask even, you have been through so much, and...Jing-Mei was there, she noticed things back when you were having the drug issues.  She made a comment and it worried me, you have been under a lot of stress, we both have and...I think it's what's driving her to be so concerned.  Yesterday you were...irrational, moody, and...down.  She thinks after the stabbing, coming back to work, that you were...depressed."

John sighed.  "Wouldn't you be?  I watched someone bleeding to death on the floor, someone I was responsible for, someone who died.  I was in severe pain, I had nightmares, I couldn’t sleep, I spent weeks in the hospital, I had to do physio so I could walk again.  My family barely gave a damn, my parents didn't show up for weeks, I was taking heavy duty painkillers, that didn't help much either.  Of course I was depressed.  We both know extended use of opiates can do that to a person, on top of everything else.”

Susan nodded slowly.  "So it could be an issue now, with the medications, and everything going on."

John stopped, turning Susan towards him, looking into her eyes.  "Yes, Susan, the medications, all the changes in our lives, the upset to sleep pattern, we both know it can be an issue.  I try to stay positive, overall things are good, you have to understand that I've dealt with it before, I know when to ask for help and...I have you, and the kids and I've rebuilt a support system here, I have people to talk to.  It's not like after the stabbing, I'm not in chronic severe pain, I get more sleep, I'm seeing my doctor regularly and they keep a close watch on things.  I have a lot to live for, back then, not so much."

Susan searched his face, he could tell she didn’t like the last statement much.

"Back then...when you were depressed, did you ever think...you know."  Susan wiped away a tear that escaped and trickled down her cheek.  “Did you ever...I can’t...John...”

John suspected he knew what she was trying to ask, and he debated on how to answer.  If he told her the truth, was it going to make her feel better or worse?  She was pregnant, over 6 months now, and she didn't need the extra stress.  But she was also a doctor, a professional, she dealt with this all the time and if he lied she would probably see it, and could definitely make things worse.

"People are always scared to ask me, because no one really wants the answer, do they?  No one wants to know how close to the edge one can get, and to be honest, I don't talk much about what happened, what I was feeling, aside from with the therapist I was seeing.  The question is, do you really want to know?  That time in my life was...difficult to say the least."

He used his thumb to brush away the tears, pulling her to him as she rested her head on his chest.

"I need to know."  Susan whispered.  "Please, tell me, knowing the truth is easier than letting my mind fill in the blanks."

John contemplated that for a moment, keeping her against him, not letting go.  He thought he had exposed his demons to her, evidently she was still not clear on a few, but he had to tell her.

“It was like...being underwater, it felt like a strange dream...well more like a strange nightmare, like living in your own personal hell.  There were times when I wondered if it was all worth it, the pain, the guilt, the disappointment I'd caused everyone, the feeling of failure.  I was losing it all, everything I ever wanted, I could feel it slipping away, and some days it was hard to get out of bed, hard to go on, I wondered why I was putting myself through it.  I was teetering on that edge, and if I hadn't gotten caught?  Hadn't been forced to face how far I'd fallen, how close I was to self destructing, then maybe I wouldn't be here.  At some point I would have gone too far, I had to keep upping the dose to block it all out, to numb the pain, to deal with the guilt.  I simply wasn’t thinking anymore, not clearly at any rate, my life was a serious of waves, going up, coming down, taking more powerful drugs at a higher dosage to get back up.”

He heard the sob, and he closed his eyes, knowing this was hurting her as much as it hurt him.  It could change how she felt about everything, he was taking a risk, but without trust and honesty, how could they go on as a couple?

He spoke gently against her hair, he had just admitted to the worst thoughts in his head, obviously she was hoping for ‘no, of course not’, but that would be lying, and being honest was part of admitting his problems.

"I'm sorry.  I know it's not what you were hoping to hear, but...I'm here Susan.  If I didn't want to be, if there wasn't something holding me here, I wouldn't be.  Luck, chance, fate...something held me back, I had the means and opportunity on a daily basis, but still, I didn't.  I have the knowledge, I would have done a better job than Carol, they would not have gotten me back."

Susan remained quiet, her fists clutching his shirt, not allowing him to retreat or move away from her, her tears flowing freely.

John wasn’t sure what else to say, not sure what she was thinking or feeling, but he was relieved she didn't turn and run or push him away.  Not that he thought she would, he had revealed a lot of things to her recently and she was still with him, a major miracle in his books.  It made him realize that she was the one, the one that accepted him as he was, he didn't have to change for her, or pretend for her, or hide from her.  The one woman who would always be there, he felt he could tell her anything and she would not think less of him.

"I love you."  He said softly.  "I don't feel that way anymore you know, I have so much joy in my life, all because of you.  Somedays I get a little down, its normal, but you make the difference, you and our family, you make me happier than I have ever been in my entire life."

"I love you too."  Susan finally lifted her head, kissing him deeply, lovingly, and passionately.

* * *

"Thanks for meeting me."  Jing-Mei took the coffee cup from John's hands with a tentative smile.  

"No, thank you, you got me out of house arrest."  He gave her a little wink, she seemed relieved at his teasing tone.

"House arrest, wow.  She's a tough one, Dr. Lewis, keeps you in line does she?"

"Someone has to do it. I am incorrigible, you know that."  He sipped his tea, looking out over the water.

"Uh huh, a real rebel you are.  You're not angry with me?"  Jing-Mea reached over and rubbed his back.

"Nah."  He slid an arm around her shoulders comfortably.  "I was just grouchy last night, lack of sleep, food and knowing I screwed up, again, messed with my judgement.  I get why you were concerned, but next time just come and talk to me.  Susan has enough to deal with right now without worrying I am going off the rails.  Which I'm not, Deb, I have all these great things happening, I love Susan, I love my kids, I have a lot.  Sorry for losing it like that, you didn't deserve it."

"I'm sorry too, I even told you it was fatigue and you needed to eat, but...then I started to second guess myself, you went through a lot before.  You always told people you were fine, when you weren't and I just worry about you.  You're my friend John, I love you..despite you being incorrigible."

"Aww you love me?"  He gave her one of his mischievous smiles.

"Oh don't get a swelled head over it."  She joked back, then became serious again.  "You did always tell people you were fine, when you weren't."

"Yes, I did tell people that, and back then I needed the help, I didn't have the support system I do now.  I've done a lot of therapy Deb, I see my doctor a lot, way too much for my liking, but it keeps things on track, I have a whole team truth be told.  Now when I say I'm fine, it actually does mean I'm fine."

"A team?"

"Yeah, I know at work we did a lot of stuff with organ donation and getting patients on the list, all of that, but there is a whole side you don't see.  You have a whole team that takes care of you, right from nutritional counselling, therapists to talk to, along with your doctor, the nurses.  Of course I have rebuilt too, having Susan, having friends to talk to, including you coming home, which has been really great, Deb."

"So you really are good?"

"Yes, I am, I'm happy, hey I have my son coming to live with us, and we are having a baby boy too.  I will have to take you out to the new house one day soon."

"Can't wait to see it.  Hard to believe you are buying an even bigger house than what you have.  So domesticated."  Jing-Mei ran her fingers over the bracelet on his wrist.  "That's new, gift from Susan?"

"No." He turned his arm to show her the symbol.  "Kind of neat actually, it has a chip in it, my doctors office updates it each visit.  I have a necklace I wear sometimes, and I have one on my keychain too.  They are all marked with the symbol.  I always wear one, and after the other morning, it proves it's needed, the simplest thing can lay you out, not enough people wear them.  At some point every hospital will have a reader for the chips, they won't have to phone in, which is especially nice for those taking a lot of medications.  You know, we used to have those old couples that would come in with the whole bag of drugs?  Or they wouldn't know what they were taking?"

"Still happens, people can't tell us what they are taking.  Medic Alert.  Much nicer than the ones I've seen before, and it's a good idea.  You take quite a few medications right?"

"Mostly Immunosuppressants, but yes, and they adjust dosages depending on how the blood tests look.  My doctors office always prints me a summary sheet that goes in my wallet whenever they change things up so I have quick and easy access if I have a medical emergency.  Just have to pull it out, not try to make sure I remember, or have Susan remember everything."

"When is the Carter Centre getting a reader?"

"Hm, I am not quite sure the clientele is there yet, most of them are uninsured and low income, but someday we will bring in the technology.  Maybe we should think about a program to ensure all of our patients that have special medical needs have a proper bracelet or pendant, those with a lot of medications might benefit from the technology.  Something I should think about I guess, especially for the kids coming through, the parents might have them wear the things if they got them for free."

"Good idea."  Jing-Mei nodded.  "It all went well with the doctor today?"

"It did, they sucked out a ton of blood, as usual, ran a million tests.  Things look good, but they made some adjustments to my medications, and I have to test my blood sugar levels for a couple weeks, eat every 3 hours, no skipping meals and carry an emergency kit for hypoglycaemia.  They are pretty sure it was stress, medication and lack of adequate meals that caused it, but they are monitoring the situation."

"Good, Susan was worried, and so was I, John, don't take chances okay?"  She reached out and rubbed his arm affectionately.

They stood quietly for a moment, staring out over the water.

"I met someone."

"Did you?"  Carter gave her shoulders a squeeze.  "Tell me about him."

They spent the next hour wandering along the lakeshore, catching up, to both, it felt like old times.

* * *

Susan cracked one eye open at the incessant ringing of John's phone, she flopped an arm over, hitting empty space.  She squinted at the clock.  3:15.   Of course, he was off wandering the house, his phone abandoned on the bedside table.  Given the time, she thought it best to answer, had to be important.

"Hello?'"  She mumbled into his phone.  

"Who's this?"  The woman's voice demanded.

"Um, maybe I should ask who is calling my husband at 3 am?"  Susan was irate that this person was demanding to know who she was when the answer should be obvious.

"Susan?"  The slightly familiar voice slurred.

"Who is this?" 

"Abby.  This is Susan right?  Did I wake you?"

"Abby?"  Susan rolled her eyes, wondering if the woman knew how ridiculous that question was.   "It's 3 am, what do you think?  Why are you calling in the middle of the night?"  Susan sat up, running her hand across her forehead wearily.  "Abby?"

"I need to talk to John.  Is he there?"

"Uh, hold on."  Susan slid out of bed, padding down the hall, searching, finally finding him half asleep on the couch in his office, a journal across his chest.

"Hey."  He sat up at her gentle shake, his brow furrowing at the phone she was holding out.  "Who is it?"

"Abby."  Susan raised an eyebrow at him, and he gave her a confused look, she could see his eyes travel to the clock.

* * *

 "Abby?"  He spoke into the phone.  "It's 3 in the morning, what's the emergency?"

"I just needed to talk, can you meet me?"

"Now?  In the middle of the night?  Why?"  He looked up at Susan who was standing with her arms crossed her belly, highly unimpressed at the late night call.

"Coffee and pie, come have coffee and pie, I need to talk."

"Abby, are you drunk?"  He rubbed the back of his neck, massaging slightly and stretching, stiff from laying on the couch.

"Susan won't mind if you come and have coffee with me."  Her 's' sounded a bit like 'sh' and John knew for sure she was probably halfway through a bottle of Jack.  He glanced up at his wife's face and he was not so sure that statement was accurate.  Susan looked fit to be tied, grouchy and half asleep...and completely adorable.  He reached out and pulled her down onto his knee.

"It's the middle of the night, somehow I doubt my wife is going to like me going out for pie.  Call your sponsor, Abby, that is what _they_ are for."  

Susan narrowed her eyes and gave her head a shake. Well, the message was clear, she most certainly would _not_ like him going out for _pie_ with an ex girlfriend at 3 am.  

"I want _you_ to be my sponsor, you know me, will you be my sponsor?"  Abby slurred into the phone.  "You used to come see me all the time in the middle of the night.  I don't want to be alone tonight."

John looked up at Susan, _the_ _look_ again, he needed to wrap this up quick. 

"No, I can't be your sponsor, and I can't come see you.  Abby, I can't do this, okay?  I'm married, I have a family, and I can't just drop everything and run out to pick you up when you fall into a bottle.  Get in a cab, go home, sober up, call your sponsor or go to a meeting."

"I'm sure you're really busy at 3 am, Carter.  Never mind, my good friend here...what's your name?"  

Carter could hear some background voices and he shrugged slightly at Susan, whose brows popped up.

"Roger, his name is Roger...he'll take me home.  Keep me company, since you are too busy with Miss Perfect...or sorry Mrs. Perfect to make time for me.”  Abby giggled flirtatiously.  “Do you want me to go home with Roger?”

"Abby.  Stop.  Leave Roger, go home, call your sponsor.”  John knew she was baiting him, and several years ago that might have worked, back when he had an interest in her, back when he was dating her, when he was single.  Now it had no effect except to annoy him.  He though about what Luka had said, and he knew he had to cut this conversation off now, make it clear this was inappropriate.

"Come on, you don't want me going home with some stranger...and I'm out of money.  I need a ride home John, come pick me up.  Pleasssse."

Susan practically had steam coming out of her ears and snatched the phone from his hands.

"Abby, this is Susan.  John's _wife_...perhaps you remember me?  Stop flirting with my husband and go home, he is not interested in _pie_.  If Roger goes with you, make sure you use a condom.  Goodnight Abby."  She hit the off button and handed the phone back to him.  " _Pie_?  What the hell?  Is that a euphemism?”

"Um, Susan?  Pie is that dessert with crust, usually filled with apple or something, sometime people put ice cream on top.  Exactly what did you think she meant by coffee and pie?"  John could not help but laugh, but Susan simply glared at him, pulling off his lap and stomping towards the stairs.  "Susan."

 John flicked off the office light, following her up the stairs as she disappeared into their bedroom.  By the time he got there the bathroom light was on, he walked over and leaned in the doorway.

"You going to watch me pee?"  Susan looked up from her perch on the toilet, clearly annoyed with him.

"No, just..."  He sat on the side of the jacuzzi, resting his forehead on his folded hands.  "Sorry about that, I don't know why she called me."

He heard the toilet flush and the water running as she washed her hands.

"I do.  She's flirting, John, calling you at 3 am?  To pick her up because she's drunk, doesn't want to be alone, offering you _pie_?  She might as well have just said, come on over, I want to have sex with you.  At least you had the sense to say no."  Susan dried her hands, throwing the towel at him, heading back into their bedroom.

"What?"  He followed her out, she was plumping up pillows, trying to get comfortable again.  He walked over, fluffing a couple of the pillows and helping her get them placed.  "You actually think that I would even consider chasing after Abby Lockhart at 3 in the morning?  Not a chance.  She managed all these years without me, I am sure she can manage now.  The coffee and pie thing?  We used to meet at the diner, it was just a thing we did when I got back from Atlanta, it's not a euphemism for come over and crawl into my bed."

“You used to go over at all hours apparently, and you’re blind if you think that isn’t exactly what it was, she wants to get laid.”

"When we were dating and worked shifts, sure, I would go after work.  Sometimes we would talk at strange hours, I was recovering from addiction, we talked all the time, she understood, we went to meetings together sometimes, we were friends.  I get that I can't do that now for her, and I don't want to do that for her."

He crawled into his side of the bed, sliding towards her, sighing as she pulled away, her back towards him.

"What, showing up at her place and letting yourself in with key?  Crawling into bed with her?"

"Well, I don't want to do that either.  What I meant was, I don't want to get involved with her recovery, her alcoholism, I can't be her support system or her sponsor.  Keeping Abby sober?  That is a full time thankless job and I don't want it.  I want to be home with my beautiful, amazing wife and my kids.  I _want_ to be here, not there, which is why I am _here_ and not _there_.  Do you get it now?  I love _you_ , Susan, not her, I want to be with _you_ , not her."

He waited for a response, getting none John rolled onto his back, sighing and staring at the ceiling.  He was not sure why he had come back to bed, if Susan was going to freak out like this, he was probably not going to sleep.  Leaving would only make her angrier though so he plumped up his pillow, more for something to do, flicking off the light.  They lay in silence, John finally rolled so his back was towards her, knowing better than trying to cuddle up to her right now. 

He lay staring at the shadows on the wall, the clock on the bedside table giving off a faint blue light. Susan inhaled deeply, she was fidgeting and he felt the pillows hit him as she struggled to tuck them around her.  He sighed again and rolled onto his back, keeping his eyes were closed, one arm tucked up behind his pillow. He was fighting the urge to leave the room, with her bouncing around and angry there was no sleep to be had.  He didn’t look at her until she reached out to run her fingers down his face.

"John."  She whispered.

He turned his head, looking at her wordlessly, almost scared to speak, to unleash another round of whatever _that_ was, the undeserved suspicious tirade.

Susan wiggled closer, draping her leg over top of his, propping her belly up as she snuggled into him.

"I'm sorry, that was uncalled for, you didn't do anything wrong, aside from maybe talk to her too long for my liking.  She was flirting with you though, she is a bit like...I don't know, I just feel like if we let her get away with it once, she is going to do it again.  I get she is alone here, but she needs to get her own life, she can't expect you to drop everything and go running when she calls."

"I know that Susan, that is why I didn't go.  You're right, she can't depend on me to be there to pick up the pieces of her life, we tried that and it didn't work.  I don't want to be swept up in all of that again, it was too...painful, it sucks all the life and energy out of a person.  I want to be here, with you."  He slid an arm around her, the other hand rubbing her belly absently.  

"I know, sorry, I'm tired and out of sorts, I was so comfortable, sleeping like a log and your damn phone woke me up.  It takes forever to get to sleep and your drunk ex girlfriend had to call.  Do you know she asked who I was?  Like what?  She calls your phone at 3 am and wonders who is answering?  I thought that might be kind of obvious considering you don't work shifts anymore.  Like you are out sleeping with everything that moves?"

"I never chased everything in a skirt, so I doubt that is why she said that, more like she was too drunk to form a coherent thought."

"Oh I don't know, she was able to tell invite you out for _pie_ and tell you how lonely she was."  Susan's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Uh huh.  So she pissed you off right from the get go, and you transferred that pissed off to me, the easy target."  He leaned in and brushed her lips with his, taking the sting out of the words.  "I need to turn off the ringer I guess, but force of habit, I feel like I need my phone close in case of emergency.  Sorry it woke you, and it's okay, so we had a stupid little fight over nothing, it's the middle of the night, we're both tired, don't worry about it."

"Not exactly nothing, when your ex girlfriend call and invites you out for _pie_ , but you're right, we're both tired."

"Hm, I would like to know what your definition of going for pie is though, somehow I think I like your idea better than mine."

"Maybe I'll explain that more fully one day soon, but right now?  I need some sleep, you think I am grouchy now, just wait until the morning."

"Good point, sweet dreams."  

They shared another warm kiss, John holding her to him as they both drifted off to sleep. 


	48. Chapter 48

Susan sat in the sun watching John chase the kids around the park.  Cosmo was helping him chase Ava and the twins were trying hard to catch up with the action, but their little legs could not keep up.  They were after all barely 10 months old and had just started to take a few steps in succession.  Maya fell on her bum, letting out a wail.  John strode over to scoop her up in his arms, tossing her lightly in the air, turning her cries into a torrent of giggles.  Of course the minute he played with Maya, Ben was there too, clinging to his leg, his arms reaching up to his daddy.

John pretended to collapse as Ava joined the fray, pulling on him, then Cosmo, her husband disappearing under a pile of children.

Susan smiled as she rubbed her swollen belly, she was nearing 28 weeks now, and was impatient for this new little person to join the world.  It had been easier than the twins, now that she was fully recovered from the surgery,  but still, the last couple months were the hardest in her books.  This time of course was going to be even more interesting, they were about to move into the new house, and John would be flying over to get Devon tomorrow.   They would just be getting him settled with them and the new baby would be arriving.  She felt lucky though, Elise was ready and neither she nor John were working full time.  He had stopped taking shifts at County and was only working on the Boards and writing at the moment.  Good thing she thought, six kids was going to be a bit overwhelming at first.  

Chuck had been taking Cosmo less with his wife due any day with a second child.  She mused about his reaction to seeing her, John had been taking care of getting Cosmo down to Des Moines quite often, but this last visit Chuck had to come into he city and was picking his son up.

She had been busy finishing things up in the office, John off at a Board meeting and the younger kids all playing quite well in the living room when she heard the door bell.  The look on Chuck face was priceless, his jaw dropped, he had not seen her in months and apparently neither Cosmo nor John had said a word about the new baby.  Perhaps because Cosmo was so rarely invited to stay with his dad these days.

_"Um."  Chuck stared at her, his eyes dropping to her protruding belly, then climbing back up to her face.  She noticed the stop at her well endowed chest on the way, his eyes bugging out slightly.  "I see you have some news too."_

_"Oh, yes, John and I are having another baby, end of January."  Susan rubbed her belly.  "Cosmo, your dad is here."  She called into the depths of the house._

_"Yes, I can see that.  I'm just...surprised, I thought you'd had the baby already.  Is he ready?"_

_"I am sure he will be in a minute, you can come in if you like."  Susan stepped back, letting Chuck into the foyer.  "Can I get you anything?"_

_Chuck followed her into the kitchen, looking around, his eyes falling on Ava, Ben and Maya playing in the living room._

_"No, I'm good.  Nice place, and you have a houseful.  With this one, that's what, 5 kids?"  Chuck kept sneaking glances at her breasts, she pulled her sweater around her self consciously._

_"Six with Devon, John's son, he'll be three soon."_

_"Hm.  Well, looks like you did okay Suze. Married the rich guy, had a tribe of children, never figured.  Carter.  Who knew you would end up with him, never thought he would leave that hot wife of his, she was a real looker.  Better watch out or he'll upgrade, bet they are standing in line for the rich boy."_

_"Don't call me Suze, and he makes me happy, our marriage is really great, Chuck."  Susan refused to react any further, ignoring the comment about Kem.  No question John's exes tended to be extremely attractive women, but he was with her and she felt pretty secure about how they felt about each other.  "How are things going in your household?  Another baby for you too."_

_"Ah you know, she's moody and always nagging I don't do enough, that baby is popping out anytime though.  Women."  Chuck gave her a grin, meant to be engaging she was sure, but she didn't know how she could ever have thought he was charming._

_Susan just rolled her eyes, picking up Ava who had toddled over to her.  "Milk momma."_

_"You bet sweetie."  Susan turned and opened the fridge, grabbing one of the ready filled toddler cups, handing it to Ava._

_"We need to talk a bit about Cosmo."  Chuck sat on one of the stools._

_"What about him?"_

_"Uh, with the new baby and all, I can't take him over Christmas.  We are going to her parent's house and...it gets awkward, he's always bored.  So I was going to leave him with you and Carter."_

_"Oh. He'll be disappointed."_

_"Carter will get over it, he doesn't like having Cosmo around?"  Chuck watched Susan set Ava free,_

_"I meant Cosmo.  Your son will be disappointed about not spending Christmas with you.  John loves Cosmo, so, it's not a problem if he stays, but...never mind, it's fine." Susan gave up, she had been over this with Chuck many times since the divorce and he couldn't see how devastated his son was, how let down._

_"Hey, sorry, you know how Janice is."_

_"Not really, I barely know her, but it's fine."  Susan slapped a paper down on the counter, annoyed that Chuck was cancelling out on Cosmo yet again.  "Our new address, we're moving in a couple weeks."_

_"Seriously?  That is a pretty swanky area, Lake Forest?"_

_"It's still really close to town but we need a bigger house, more of a yard.  It's nice, a big change from living right downtown, we will see how we like it."_

_"Lake Forest."  Chuck was staring at her.  "How much did the place cost? Millions I bet, those houses are all like...really big with huge lots."_

_"Hardly your business Chuck."_

_Cosmo ran into the room._

_"Hi daddy!"_

_"Ready to go sport?"_

The worst part was when Cosmo came back he was still talking about Christmas with daddy.  Susan had to phone Chuck and ask him if he'd bothered talking to Cosmo about Christmas time.  His answer was 'hey, babe, you're better at that kind of stuff, I thought you were telling him.'

Susan was shaken from her musings about Chuck as she heard the cell phone ring, and she dug in the bag, pulling out John's phone.  He was halfway across the park with the kids, so she simply answered it, noting it looked like County.

* * *

"Excuse me."  The well dressed woman rapped sharply on the security glass.  "Excuse me young lady."

Sam looked up.  "I'll be right with you."  She finished her quick exam which was part of triage and waved at Abby.  "High fever, I think we should look at her right away?"

Abby nodded and made to lead the girl back, but was stopped short by the impatient voice.

"Look, I am just here to see my son, he's a doctor here, in the ER.  Can you just let me in?"

She would know that imperious voice anywhere.

"Who's your son?"  Sam looked at the woman, who was attractive and incredibly well dressed, perfectly put together. 

"John Carter."

Sam did a double take and then looked over at Abby. 

"Let her in, I'll talk to her.  Gates!  Can you take this young lady back?  Here's her chart."  Abby was a bit surprised to see Eleanor Carter, why in the world she was here looking for her son was beyond her.  He rarely came in these days, maybe a shift every three weeks or so, but County was not a big part of his life these days.

"If you could just kindly ask John to come and see me?"  She demanded imperiously.  "I'm sure he must be around here somewhere, the ridiculous hours he works."

"John doesn't work here, Mrs. Carter...he hasn't worked here for some time, I'm surprised you didn't know that."

"Hm, well I've been out of town.  If you could just be so kind as to tell me where to find him I will be on my way."

Abby raised her brows.  Out of town?  John had been away from County more than _working_ at County for the past several years.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know, I don't keep track of his...whereabouts.  Maybe you should try him at home?"

Abby saw the discomfort in the woman's eyes, she had no idea where John lived, when was the last time she had even talked to Carter?

Sam was watching this out of the corner of her eye, a bit of an odd look on her face.  Abby knew what she was thinking...Dr. Carter's mother didn't know that he had quit County quite some time ago?  She was asking Abby about where her son was?

"You should try him at the Carter Centre."  Good old Jerry, eavesdropping as usual, couldn't keep his mouth shut.  "They probably know how to locate him."

"The Carter Centre?"  Eleanor was mystified, she'd never heard of it, but then again, she had not been in Chicago for years, long before Millicent had passed away.  She'd heard from Jack.  Jack.  She would call Jack, he would know how to get hold of John.  "Never mind, I'll call his cell phone."

Abby watched as Eleanor practical ran out the glass doors.

"That was really strange, did Dr. Carter move again?"

"No, that is just typical Eleanor Carter."  Abby went up to admit and picked up the phone.  He was not her biggest fan right now but she was sure he would want to know before the woman just showed up.

* * *

 "Hello?" 

"Oh, hi, sorry, I think I have the wrong number."

"Is this Abby?"

"Yes.  Who's this?"

"Susan.  Who do you think would be answering John’s phone?”  Susan’s annoyance telegraphed clearly down the line.

"Susan.  Sorry, I didn't recognize your voice.  Is he there?"  Abby bit her lip, she had pretended she didn't know who it was, she was embarrassed about the night she called Carter, totally drunk and asked him to come over because she was lonely.  She was sure Susan had heard a good portion of what she said, and got the idea, Abby really wanted Carter to come over because she missed him in her bed.  John turned her down of course, maybe if his damn wife wasn't eavesdropping the result would have been more the Abby's liking.

The worst had been Susan's comment, the way she said _pie,_ like it was some crazy sex act that she performed or something.  Even Carter had phoned her the next day and read her the riot act.

_"What in the hell was that about last night?"  John was angry, really angry with her._

_"Nothing, you just have been there for me to talk to lately, we used to phone like that all the time."  She had sipped her water, digging in the cupboard wondering where the headache tablets had gone to._

_"Years ago when we were both single, and then when we were seeing each other, but Abby, you cannot do that now, things are different."_

_"Why?  It's just...coffee and pie Carter, she made it sound like I was offering sex.  Come on, did you hear how she said that to me?  Like pie meant I was offering myself up or something."  Abby tried to brush it off._

_John sighed heavily into the phone, thinking it kind of did sound like she was offering sex, saying she was lonely?  Didn't want to be alone tonight?  He didn't blame Susan for being a little irate, and he didn't want to ruin his marriage._

_"The difference is Abigail, I am married with a family.  You can't say things like that to me...I don't want to be alone?  Throwing in a little taunt about some 'friend' you clearly just met like I'm supposed to care who you go home with at night?  I don't know what game you are playing here, but stop immediately.  Do not phone me in the middle of the night.  Do not phone me when you're wasted.  You have a sponsor, call them.  I am not, and will never be your sponsor, you never wanted my help with your drinking before when we were together, why the hell would you want it now?"_

_"Don't flatter yourself John, the sex wasn't **that** great."  Abby bit her lip as she uttered this lie, she had enjoyed sex with him more than she had with pretty much all of the other guys she'd been with, but she would never admit it._

_"You're right, Abby, it wasn't, especially when you were drunk.  Which was at least half the time we were together, so don't kid yourself into thinking I would even be interested."  John clicked off the phone, not happy that he had let himself sink to her level of insults, but acknowledging that what he had now with Susan was so far beyond what he'd ever had with Abby it was ridiculous that the woman could even think he would want to sleep with her.  Of course Abby had no way of knowing how it was with other women, he didn't generally discuss it, it would have been rude to do so._

"Um, he's a bit busy at the moment.  Please do not tell me that you are calling for him to pick up a shift, he told Cate no more for at least 6 months and he is going out of town." 

"No, um, it's something else.  Can you get him?  It's important."  Abby huffed, thinking that Susan just didn't want her around Carter.  

"Can he call you back?  He really is busy...he's with the kids and I can't get him that quickly, and obviously I have his phone."

"Tell him right away?  Eleanor showed up at County looking for him."

"Eleanor?  As in his mother?"  Susan sounded stunned.  "Eleanor Carter is in Chicago."

"That's the one.  She is trying to track him down, and Jerry big mouth told her to try the Carter Centre."

"But no one gave her our address, right?"

"No, she didn't ask, I think she was too embarrassed to admit she had no clue where her son lives."

"Ah, and she will have even less of a clue now."

"What do you mean?  Abby fiddled with the pen on the desk.

"We...bought a new house...in Lake Forest."  Susan seemed reluctant to share this with Abby.

"What?  Lake Forest.  Carter.  No way, you are kidding me right?  Carter bought a house in Lake Forest?"

" _We_ bought a house in Lake Forest."   Susan stressed the ‘we'.   "We needed a bit more room, and we couldn't find a place we liked in town so we're moving a bit out of the city."

"All right, last thing I expected, but...you'll tell him his mother is looking for him right?"

"This should be fun, but yes, I'll tell him." 

* * *

 Abby hung up the phone, Jerry and Malik were eyeing her.

"Did you just say that Dr. Carter bought a house in Lake Forest?"  Malik face brightened as the grin stole across his face.

"Um, yeah, why?"

"Party time.  Party at Carter's house.  Wonder if he has a pool?" Malik started to do a little dance.  "Party time, yeah."

Abby rolled her eyes.  "Like he's ever invited you to his house.  I mean who from County has actually seen his house beside me."

"Well, Susan Lewis, but that's a given.  And I have, the current one anyway, it's pretty nice."  Haleh tucked a chart back in the rack.  

"Susan's seen _more_ than his house."  Chuny gave a little laugh as Abby frowned at her.  "But then I guess _you've_ seen more than his house too, huh Abby?"

"They did some great renovations on that place."  Morris erased a patient off the board.  "I've been there."

"So have I, he gave me some Bulls tickets, I went by to pick them up."  Malik threw in.

"I've seen it...from the outside..."  Jerry flushed as everyone looked at him.  "Okay, so I drove by the one day, I like to see how the other half live."

"The rich half you mean?"  Chuny giggled.  "I went to see Susan, she gave me a tour, it's nice, but only 5 bedrooms, now Devon is moving to Chicago, and with the new baby it is going to get kind of crowded.  The nanny is around a lot, I think they wanted a guest room too.  They need at least 8 or 9 bedrooms now, surprised they didn't go to Oakbrook."

"No, I think he wanted waterfront, he has a sailboat in the marina, besides Lake Forest and Highland Park are both nice, the lot they bought is close to 3 or 4 acres, right on the lake, and yes Malik it does have a pool, he showed me a picture."  Morris turned, now everyone was staring at him.  "What?  We talk.  He's always been really nice to me, even when I was a student."

Wendall walked in as the conversation was going around.  "Someone page me?"

Gates gave her a little wave.  "Yes, I did.  So have you seen Carter's new house?"

Wendall gave him a little look.  "Um, no, they haven't moved into it yet.  Why?"

"Have you seen his current house?"

"Once.  Why all the interest?"  Wendall knew anything John did seemed to garner attention, he had been a fixture at County for a long time and people still could not seem to get over his status as reluctant multi millionaire.

"Party at Carter's, need to have a house party, test out the pool once they move in."  Malik did another round of his little dance.

"Oh.  Tony?  Where's the patient?"  Wendall turned back to the young resident doctor, trying not to get dragged into the discussion.  John was pretty private about his life outside work, she was not sure he would be thrilled about being talked about, but then again a lot of the staff had known him much longer than Wendall had  Still, she had dated the guy and didn't want to share, nothing seemed off limits at County.

* * *

 John tiptoed down the stairs, leaving the three youngest sleeping upstairs, Cosmo was still eating lunch in the kitchen.

He walked in as Susan was consoling her eldest son.

"I know honey, I wish that you could go to the party too."

"Mason is mean, he gave out all the party invitations right in front of me, so I'm the only boy in the class that's not going."  Cosmo pushed back his chair and ran up the stairs, John heard his door slam shut.

"Oh boy, trouble at school?"  He gave his wife's back a gentle rub, moving up to massage her shoulders.  "You are really tense."

"Yes, I am.  Cosmo has his group of friends, but Mason always excludes him.  They are going to do something really fun apparently and after school tomorrow almost the whole class is going.  Mason did it on purpose."

John sighed.  "Mason is a bully, I've seen him when we go to the school functions.  I think half the kids don't really like him, but his parents always spend a lot on his parties, so the kids all want to go, they're fun right?"

"Yes, I think they reserved the indoor waterslide park and invited almost the whole class, aside from Cosmo and one or two others.  I don't know why Mason has such a hate on for my son."

"Who knows Susan, Cosmo from what I've seen is generally well liked.  Maybe that’s the problem, it's a competition, you did quite the party for him and Mason is competitive, doesn't want to be outdone?"

"Maybe, but Cosmo invited the whole class to go, Mason is excluding just a handful of kids."

John could see the tears building in Susan's eyes, she was upset on behalf of her child, and John could understand that.  The kids he went to school with weren't always that nice to each other either, and boarding school was not always easy.

"Hey, um, why don't I take Cosmo with me to Germany?  He'll miss a few days of school, but if I call Harper maybe we can get him a tour of the Air Force Base.  He could meet some fighter pilots, maybe sit in a Blackhawk or a Viper or something."

Susan laughed.  "So your idea to make him feel better is to spoil him with a fancy trip?"

"It's not fancy, Susan, I'm going anyway and an Air Force Base is hardly luxurious, but it would be educational and fun.  I got to tour it, they took me up a couple times flying, I saw all the restricted areas, I still have security clearance so I can be with him, and of course Dev is there all the time so he goes everywhere on base." 

"You're serious.  You can get Cosmo into the restricted areas and give him a full tour of the base."

"I can't but Harper can, Susan.  She can go anywhere on base she wants, she could clear it with the commander before we get there.  I'm taking the new plane too, so he'll get one of the first rides on the Gulfstream.  That alone _has_ to top whatever Mason has planned at this waterslide park.  Come on, it's only a few days of school, he's already disappointed about Christmas with Chuck, we have a new baby coming that is going to take up a lot of your time for a few months, and now this kid at school is giving him a hard time.  Last chance, Harper won't be there in a couple weeks."

Susan turned and looked up at him, he raised an eyebrow, then gave her one of his puppy dog looks.  Susan could feel herself caving in, she had a hard time resisting John when he used those big brown eyes on her.  She hated the thought she might owe Harper Tracy anything, but on the other hand, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for her son, who would surely love every minute of the trip, hanging out with his stepdad, seeing a live Air Force Base, flying in their brand new jet.

"All right, fine.  Call Harper and see if she would be willing to arrange it and if she can, then you can take Cosmo with you."

"He's going to love it Susan, I promise."

"Every boys dream, hang around pilots and airplanes, right?"  Susan sighed knowing she had put her other mission off too long.  "John?"

"What?"

"Abby called on your phone while you were playing with the kids at the park."

"Was she drunk again?  I spoke to her Susan, told her not to call me to fish her out of the liquor bottle."

"No, she was at work."  Susan corrected herself, because she realized that of course it didn't always mean much, Abby had gone to work drunk before.  "Um, no, she wasn't drunk, she wanted to tell you that...Eleanor showed up at County looking for you."

"My mother?  Seriously?   She's not on her way over here is she?"

"They didn't give her our address or anything, but I am sure she has ways of finding you, it's not like you are exactly low profile.  Be aware, she might show up.  Sorry baby."

"No I appreciate the warning, I can be prepared.  Anyway, I'll be gone for a few days to pick up Dev, so maybe she will give up if she realizes I'm not here.  If she comes here, just tell her I'm away for a while on business, be as vague as you can and whatever you do don't let her in the house or near the kids."

Susan gave her head a little shake.  "She won't hurt them John, will she?"

"Not physically, of course not, I just don't want her thinking she can drop in after this long and I am just going to welcome her with open arms.  Pretend you don't know who she is, just...I don't want her around my kids."

"Our kids.  They are _our_ kids."

"Sorry, yes, _our_ kids."  He took her hands.  " _Please_?  You know it's been forever, last time she was here she dragged me into that whole thing with Mickey and then disappeared again.  I can't keep doing that with her, she was never my mom when I needed her Susan, I want her to pack her bags and go back where she came from.  My dad was right, she's an emotional vampire and I cannot put myself through it again, ever."

"All right, I will get out the garlic and crosses and fend her off while you are gone.  Coward."  She lovingly caressed his cheek.  "But I love you anyway."

* * *

John sat Cosmo down, making him buckle up and checking his belt.  The boy was vibrating with excitement.

"So I get to see the takeoff?"  

"You do.  I need you to be quiet though while we do this, okay buddy?"

"Yes John."  The boy watched his stepdad buckle up and go through the preflight check with the copilot.

"Ready Jimmy?"  John looked over at the other man strapped in beside him.

"You bet, make your call out to the tower and lets get this baby in the air."

John flicked on the intercom.  "Buckle up Deb, we are going to be taking off as soon as we have clearance from air traffic control."

John had worked hard to get his pilots licence after his doctors cleared him medically, and he was getting in some much needed flight hours.  Jimmy had flown with him and for him before, and agreed to co pilot for the trip to Germany.  They were going to be there a few days and Jimmy loved to travel.  Deb he had asked along as she also loved travel and she had agreed to take care of the boys on the flight to and from Germany.  Of course Cosmo was not much of an issue, it was Devon who was the live wire who would not sit still.

Susan would have come, but at her advanced stage of pregnancy, they felt it best she stayed home in Chicago.  She wasn't due for another 7 weeks, but John did not want to chance it, not with the issues she had before.  Elise was going to stay at the house with her while John was away, both Luka and Lexi were ready to assist, though Lexi was about 3 weeks out now from her own due date.

John took a few deep breaths as he received orders to take off, smoothly getting them into the air and climbing them to the correct altitude before engaging the auto pilot and glancing back at Cosmo.

"What did you think?"

"Wow, that was so cool!  My friends are never going to believe this!"  Cosmo watched for a while, before he was ready to go back and do something else, there was not much to see now they were up above the clouds. 

"Why don't you go back and do your homework?  That way it will be all done and you won't have to work while we are in Germany?"  John looked back at Cosmo.  "You can come back up anytime and see what's going on, and if you want you can supervise the landing."  

John gave a little smile over at Jimmy who grinned back.  

Cosmo unbuckled, happily bouncing into the main cabin, stopping to grab a drink and some cookies along the way.  Deb helped keep him busy and assisted with a bit of the homework along the way.  There was approximately 8 hours time difference, and they would be landing late evening in Germany, going straight to the hotel for sleep before making the trip out the base.

* * *

 Susan rolled over, feeling the empty space in the bed.  John had been gone three days and she missed waking up with him beside her.  She realized the phone was ringing, picking it up sleepily.

"Still in bed?"  John's voice came down the line, making her feel less alone.

Mmm, just having a little lie in this morning, Elise is up with the kids.  I miss you."  

"I miss you too baby.  Feeling okay?  How was the appointment?"

"I'm good, and our baby boy is doing great, lots of kicking, he's taking up quite a bit of room in there now.  How are my guys?"

"We are great, in fact Cosmo wants to talk to you.  I'll put him on then talk to you again when he's done?"

"Yes."

Susan listened as her son rambled on excitedly about his trip to the base.  True to his word, John had arranged...or Harper had arranged this amazing tour, they even allowed John to take a few pictures, though someone was watching over his shoulder at all times.  Susan was glad she had let Cosmo go with him, he had totally forgotten about the birthday party and Mason and how sad he was about the party.  The first call the morning after they arrived was all about how John had let him sit in the jump seat during take off and landing and how cool the new plane was, with it's television and access to internet through the tablet computers that were available on board.

John finally reclaimed the phone.  "We will be back in a couple days, one more day here, then we load up Devon's things and we will be back Sunday afternoon so Cosmo can get to school on Monday.  I miss you, I love you, all of you."

"Even the extra 30 pounds?"  Susan joked.

"Ha ha, you know what I mean, I meant _all_ of you, not all of _you,_ though I do love every bit of you, but you get it.  Give the babies kisses and hugs for me."

"I will, love you baby."  

Susan hung up the phone with a sigh, stretching and thinking she should pack a few things today.  Next Friday they were taking possession of the new house, though technically they'd owned it for a month now.  They had the house repainted inside, a few upgrades done and this week the house was being professionally cleaned.  Devon's room was being set up with the furniture they'd bought for him and the other new furniture they'd needed for the bigger spaces were being delivered. 

Next week the movers would come in and pack everything up, and they would be into the new house.  It did create some issues, as Cosmo was not going to change schools for a while, as they were still discussing where to place him.  John was leaning towards private school, but Susan was still a bit resistant.

She wiggled out of bed, heading into the shower, letting the water run over her, missing John terribly.

* * *

 Hours later she arrived back at the house, she had gone down and spent a bit of time with Elise and the kids at the park, deciding to walk back and get in a nap while Elise was going to let Ava, Maya and Ben play a bit longer.  She turned the corner, seeing the limo parked in front of their house with a sinking feeling, this had to be either Jack or Eleanor, who else would show up at their home in a limo in the middle of the day?

She took her time, wishing she could sneak around and go in the back door, but she knew the extra security locks were on the back, so she was forced to go in the front this time.  She climbed the steps, hearing the car door open and close as she stepped into the house.  Her first thought was to maybe grab her purse, and go to see Lexi, but then Elise would have to deal with this.

She heard the door bell chime seconds later, sighing, she turned and opened the door, knowing she could not pretend she wasn't home.

"Can I help you?"  She took in Eleanor Carter, who looked as cold and imperious as she remembered.

Eleanor stared at the blond woman in the doorway, her eyes travelling down the casual sundress, the very obvious pregnant belly.  Her eyes did not miss the large, high quality diamond rings adorning both her left and right hand, and she was sure she had found the correct house.

"I'm here to see John."  She stated in a no nonsense tone. 

 "John's not home, sorry, was he expecting you?"

"No, but I didn't feel the need to call.  You look familiar for some reason."

"Oh, I do?  Have we met before?  I'm sorry I don't remember."

Eleanor narrowed her eyes at the blond woman, knowing she had met her somewhere.

"I'm John's mother, Eleanor Carter."  She stared at Susan, expecting some sort of reaction. 

"Eleanor.  I'm Dr. Susan Lewis.  Do you want to leave a message for John?  He's out of the country."

"When will he be back, Ms. Lewis."

"Dr. Lewis."  Susan said firmly.  "I'm not sure, he had business, so a few more days perhaps?  Maybe longer, I couldn't say."

Eleanor was staring hard at Susan's belly.

"Are you his wife?  Are you married to my son?"

"Yes, I am."

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"I'm sorry, I would, but it's not really a good time for unannounced visitors.  Perhaps give John a call and work out a better time to visit?"

"Not a good time?" Eleanor huffed slightly.  "I come to see my son and it's not a good time?"

"I'm sorry, no, it's not, I have plans and John is not here, so I will have to let you go now.  Maybe some other time."  Susan could feel Eleanor's eyes boring into her, but she didn't back down, she simply crossed her arms and stared back.

Eleanor turned and slowly walked down the steps, her back ramrod straight, the driver around the car to open the door in moments.

"You owe me John Carter."  Susan said to herself, closing the front door.

 


	49. Young and Beautiful

John opened the front door, ushering Cosmo into the house, Devon clinging with his arms around John's neck.  The little boy was tired from the long trip, and it was going to be bedtime right away.

"You can put the stuff there."  John pointed to a corner, the two men coming in behind him with arms full of boxes. 

"Susan?"  

"You're home!"  Susan rounded the corner, wrapping her arms around her husband and the small child, pulling his head down for a kiss.  "I missed you so much!  Hi Devon."

The boy buried his head deeper into John's chest.

"He's kind of tired, I need to get him to bed soon."  John apologized for the boy.

Susan gently ran a hand over the boys hair.  "I bet he is, long trip for such a little guy and some big changes, he hasn't been to our house in a while, have you Devon?"  

She released John giving Cosmo an embrace.  "How was the trip?"

"It was awesome!  Look at my new sweatshirt and hat, one of the pilots gave them to me!  I got to sit in a bunch of the planes, and John let me sit in the cockpit of the jet too."

"Wow, sounds like you were busy.  Did you write your paper for the teacher?  I promised you would do an assignment since you missed some of the creative writing while you were gone."

"Yes mommy,  John made me write it on the plane on the way home."  Cosmo sighed.

"Good, make sure you hand it in tomorrow.  You should go up and have a bath, then it's bed time, I was expecting you much earlier."

"It took a while to land, they had to keep clearing the runway, the snow is really coming down.  We had to circle for while, there were a few of us in a holding pattern, they plowed after each landing and of course we had to de ice a couple times in Germany before we took off.  I hope we don't have a repeat of last time when you go into labour."

"I don't know John, it was kind of nice in the end, not being in the hospital?  I almost want to just have the baby at home, more women are doing it, and I do have my own personal physician."  She gave him a little wink.

"We'll talk."  He gave her a tired smile, juggling Devon in his arms as the last of the boxes were brought in.  "Thanks guys!"

"Why don't you get Devon settled, I'll get Cosmo into bed, then we'll have some quiet time."

"The babies asleep?"

"Yeah sorry, I tried to keep them up but they were getting cranky."

"I'll check on them before bed, and I have all day tomorrow to spend with them.  It's fine."  He leaned down and grabbed one bag with his free hand.  "I am going to take Devon up to bed, I'll be back for the rest, just leave it for me okay?"

"I will, don't worry, I have been taking it easy, I promise."

* * *

Susan lay in her husbands arms, snuggling up against him, as he ran a hand over her belly.

"I missed that while you were gone."  She sighed in contentment, trailing her fingers down his chest.

"I could tell, I barely managed to get in the bedroom door and you were ripping my clothes off, not that I mind obviously."

"Sorry, hormones and all, I had to get some loving from my guy.  It is so nice to have you home, and no more trips until after the baby, right?"

"At most I might have to do a quick day trip to Houston, but it's only a few hours there and back."

"How did the flight go?  I am jealous, I haven't had a trip on the new plane yet."

'Really well, Jimmy is a great co pilot, and the plane is incredible, though when we do long trips as a family I may hire a pilot, so I can help with the kids.  Your belly grew while we were gone."  He leaned down and kissed the full roundness, running his hands over her.

"Well, your _son_ grew while you were gone, he never stops growing and barely stops moving.  It's only going to get bigger, he is going to gain a lot of weight these last few weeks.  He looks perfect, the doctor is really pleased with how everything is going." 

"I bet he is perfect.  You have been taking good care of yourself, you eat well, exercise, get lots of sleep, you look incredible."  He took in her softly flushed face, her skin seemed to glow, her hair soft and shiny, she looked well rested and so very happy.

"Thank you.  I think a lot of it is how we live now, without the crazy shifts I am eating so much better, I sleep better...and of course there is the matter of the regular and fantastic sex with my husband."  She ran her fingers through his hair.  "I'm happy, John, the happiest I have felt in such a long time.  When we started seeing each other, everything changed and...I can see us being together for a very long time."

"I hope so, because I love you, and you make me happy too."  He leaned in to give her another kiss, letting her push him onto his back.  

They lay there for sometime, just kissing and caressing each other before she slid on top of him, straddling his body.  He ran his hands over her hips, guiding her movements as she rocked her hips against him.  John watched her face, her eyes half closed as she tipped her head back, letting out a soft sexy moan as it over took her, letting himself go moments later.

Susan curled up against him, using him as a prop for her belly, sling a leg across him as they both caught their breaths.  

"It does not take much these days, that felt so damn good.  I might miss these raging hormones."  Susan played with his hair.  "Glad you don't mind the beached whale look."

"Uh uh, you look really sexy, beautiful, you're having our baby, Susan, no way do you look like a beached whale.  You should never feel that way, I love you, I always will, no matter what."

"Even when I get old, and my hair goes grey and my breasts hang down to my knees?  When I need a walker?"

"Absolutely, I can race you with _my_ walker. You're blond though, so I am not sure how I will tell when you get grey."  He joked, though he felt a bit sad, hoping that he would be there when their children grew up, be there to grow old with her, be one of those old couples, like his grandparents who loved each other dearly until the day they died.  "Are you going to love me when I'm bald?"

"I will always love you, but it's unlikely honey, your dad has lots of hair, did your grandfather go bald?"

"No, he didn't, you're right, it will be grey hair for me too, the men in our family don't tend to lose their hair.  Just like it's unlikely you will have breasts hanging around your knees, or be using a walker.  The point is though, it doesn't matter because I love who you are, the fact that you are beautiful and sexy is just a bonus.  Just like you accept me with all my scars." 

Susan ran her hand down his chest, tracing a finger over the faint outline of the scars on his stomach.  

"They are just a part of who you are, scars don't bother me, you are still pretty darn sexy too, and I love you, John, always."  She kissed his lips, looking into his eyes.  "I could barely keep my hands off."

"It's mutual, how do you think this happened?"  He rubbed her belly gently.

Susan laughed, laying her head back on his chest.

"You brought a lot of boxes."

"Devon's toys and stuff, a few I will just take out to the new house, Harper and I went through and figured out what he should have right away and what can wait to be unpacked until after we move into the new house.  I left all the furniture, she is going to donate it to a family on the base that is struggling a bit financially.  I told her it was silly to ship it, its nothing special and he is getting too big for baby furniture anyway.  We bought that bedroom suite for him and she can afford to get him a couple things for her new place, I don't know that he will be there much."  He kissed her softly.  "Susan?"

"What baby?"

"She wants to come up to Chicago for Christmas, I told her I would talk to you first.  She wants to be with Devon but only has a couple days off, she needs to go up to see her parents, and then go back to Houston.  Is that an issue for you?"

Susan furrowed her brow.  "I suppose not...would she be in a hotel and then just join us for say dinner or something?  You know I invited Lexi and Luka to come out and stay for a couple days at Christmas though not sure if Joe is coming or not.  Peter and Todd both called while you were gone and they are joining us for Christmas dinner with their kids too, I told them they were welcome to stay over since the guests rooms will be all set up."

"Great!  It will be a nice way to have our first Christmas in the new house, with our friends around, lots of kids?  If it keeps up we will be able to build snowmen."

"We have a lot to do John, the movers are coming next week and we have to set up the tree and unpack."

"I know, Susan, it will be a lot of work but...we'll manage.  So, Harper, we need to discuss her visit.  The new house has room, but it is more how comfortable you are with it, would you prefer she didn't stay at the house?  It sets a precedence for future visits and you need to be comfortable with it.  I know you are not a huge fan of Harper Tracy, but reality is she is going to be part of our lives, she's Devon's mother and I can't cut that tie."  John lifted her chin, looking into her eyes.  "You need to tell me honestly, okay?  I don't want to ruin what we have, Susan, we have something so special and...Harper will just have to understand if the answer is no."

"I get that John, I know she will be part of your life...I am not sure how I feel, can I have some time to think?"

"Of course, let me know, it sounds like you would be okay if she maybe joined us for a bit on Christmas day at minimum?  Is it more where she stays?"

"Yes, it is.  I trust you, John, I just don't know how weird it would be to have her stay with us.  I know the new house is really big, and Devon is her son, and...let's talk tomorrow okay?"

"Yes, okay.  I don't want to push you into something you don't want to do, that is not how I want this marriage to go."

"I know.  You owe me big time by the way."

"Do I?  Even after I brought you all those treats?  The chocolate?  The other goodies?  You know we can't get a lot of that stuff here, or not easily anyway."

"I appreciate you bringing the goodies, but this was big.  I didn't want to tell you on the phone but your mom showed up here.  I haven't seen her again, but she knows where we live, so don't be shocked if she comes by again."

"She actually showed up,  wow.  Was she rude to you?  What happened?"

"I came back from the park, Elise was still there with the kids, but there was a limo in front of the house, so I knew it had to be either Jack or Eleanor.  She asked to see you, demanded I invite her in.  I introduced myself as Dr. and she called me Ms. Lewis, even though I could see her checking out my rings.  So now she knows you're married and expecting a baby, but I have no idea if she knows about our other kids."

"And?"

"I made her go away, she didn't get even a toe into the house."

"Wow, I'm impressed, you stared down Eleanor, she can intimidate an ice sculpture."  He nuzzled against her neck.  "Thank you, Susan, it means a lot that you did that for me.  I'm sorry you had to deal with her, but...you understand don't you?"

"Of course I do John, I know it must be difficult for you, she hasn't been around for most of your life, she abandoned you when you were 11.  Maybe not in the dumped on the street way, but still, she is unfit to be a mother in my books.  Honestly?  It was kind of satisfying to tell her to go away, I wish I could have told her off, but I bit my tongue.  I will leave the telling off for you."

"You are an amazing woman, Susan Lewis.  It takes guts to stand up to her, and not everyone could have done it, trust me, I wasn't kidding when I said she scared away the staff on a regular basis. My grandparents were not warm and fuzzy by any means but at least they respected the people that worked for them.  My mother treated them like they were not worthy of any respect."

Susan nodded, she had noted that John had always been very kind to the staff at his grandparents place, his dealings with Alger had been respectful at all times.  He was also good to anyone who did work for them, Susan was slowly getting used to having people around, the housekeeper who helped with groceries and cleaned the house, did the laundry, the man who mowed the lawn and shovelled the sidewalk in the wintertime, and of course Elise who was around quite a lot helping with the children.

"In my view, they are just people earning a living, they may work for us, but that is no reason to treat them badly.  Though I guess to me having _staff_ is very strange, though I am getting used to it."

"That is the correct view in my books too.  The people we have in our home, helping keep our lives in order, they are also around our children.  Believe me, I like having long term people I know, like Emily, she worked for my grandmother.  I trust her, and you know why that is important."

Susan reached up to kiss him softly, brushing her lips against his.  "I know, you care too much about your children to let something like that happen through carelessness on either of our parts.  We will teach them John, keep them safe.  So what is the plan if she shows up again?"

"Don't let her in, if I have to deal with her I will take her elsewhere to do so, I am not going to fight with her or confront her with the kids around.  I know they are very young, but...she doesn't deserve to see them or know them.  She gave up that right when she walked away after the whole Mickey thing, never called me back about Gamma, as hard as it is to do, as much as I know she is my mother, I can't keep opening myself up to her."

"I agree.  You notice I don't go running out to see my parents either.  They know where I live, they have my numbers but they never call me.  When Susie took off again, I felt like I lost the last member of my family.  It breaks my heart, I so wanted her to be my little girl, the little Susie I remembered from when she was 6, but she's not, John.  She stole from us after we took her in, she stole something so precious from me, my wedding rings.  I know they are valuable, but...it's not that part, they are a symbol of us, our love, our marriage, our vows to each other, and for her to think so little of me, of us, for her to do that was really hard for me."

"I understand, believe me, you made yourself physically ill over it.  Why do you think I spent the day with Luka checking out pawn shops?  I knew just replacing them was not the same as getting the actual rings back to you, and I was relieved to find them.  She took something from you, not possessions, but the trust you placed in her.  You understand my position all too well, maybe that is why we work together."

"Abby had a rough childhood, but you didn't work with her."

"No, but...it's hard to explain, Susan, you and Abby are so entirely different in the way you deal with life.  Despite the fact that you have not had it easy, there is something that is so...positive about you.  I get that you cover with the sarcasm and the teasing and the humour, but underneath all of that, you are just such a good person, you know how to love.  I feel like we are soul mates Susan, we are so alike in so many ways, deep down I mean.  You keep me...honest about things, I feel like I can just be me, I don't ever have to pretend or change, or be someone I'm not.  I felt like Abby wanted me to be different than I was, she had her view and if you disagreed she didn't like it."

Susan snuggled closer.  "You don't have to explain it more than that, I spent a lot of time trying to fit the mold of what people wanted me to be, and it's not worth it.  I understand, I can be...just me when I am with you, you forgive me when I make mistakes, you love me, and take care of me when it matters.  I think we have something truly special and I hope we are together a really long time.

* * *

 Susan kissed John and gave each of the kids kisses and hugs, picking up her bag.

"Are you sure you will be okay with the kids?  We have an awful lot to do before the movers come next week, knowing Lexi we will be at the mall for hours."

"Of course, I have Elise and Emily here today, just don't over do it at the mall, make sure you get some sleep tonight."  John gave her a gentle push towards the door.

"I feel bad but Lexi says she really needs my help with the baby room, I cannot believe those two left it so late.  Apparently Luka had to take an extra shift at work and nothing is done.  So we will be shopping and setting up the room, is it really okay that I stay over?"

"Susan, I'll be fine.  Cosmo is a great helper, he'll be here after school to give me a hand.  She's waiting in the car, Susan, go, have fun and call me later." He kissed her a final time before she was out the door.  

Moments later John heard the front door open.

"I thought she would never leave, I was freezing."  Luka shook the snow out of his hair, stepping into the warm house as John hit the speed dial on his phone

"I know, I practically had to carry her to the car."  He stopped then spoke into the phone.  "Let's go boys, she's gone."

* * *

 Lexi gave Susan a hug.

"Thanks so much for all your help Susan, I feel so much better now that the room is done.  We will go for coffee...well tea...in a few days."

"You're welcome, this is so exciting, only a few weeks and you will be a mommy."

"Only a few weeks and you will be a mommy...again!  Thanks for the Christmas invite too, we are looking forward to it."

"Don't get too excited, the new house will be a shambles, the movers are coming next week, we will have to put up the tree, get unpacked, it is going to be a nightmare Lexi.  But we will have lots of food, Emily is going to come a couple days before and help me prep things, John is not much of a cook."

"It will be fine.  I still cannot believe you are letting Harper come."

"Ah, Lex, the holiday spirit got me, so she's stays for a couple days, she is really great with the kids, I think I'd actually like her if she didn't use to sleep with my husband."

"If she wasn't in love with him and the mother of his child, you mean."

"That too.  John is waiting for me, so...call me honey, it was fun!"  Susan stepped out, John coming up the walk to take her bag, giving a wave at Lexi as he helped Susan down the snowy sidewalk, getting her settled in the car.

"How was girls night?"  He asked as he pulled smoothly away from the curb, the tires of the SUV crunching on the snow, the light fading in the late afternoon sky.

"Fun...not the same kind of girls night as we used to have back at County, but fun just the same."  She leaned back and closed her eyes, letting herself drift into a light doze as they drove.  

John glanced over at her with a smile, she looked so peaceful, he stayed quiet as he negotiated the snowy roads, letting her rest.  It was some time later when she finally woke up.

"John?  Did you get lost?  Where are we?"  Susan glanced around.  "Are we going to the new house?"

"Um, yes.  We're almost there."  John hit the remote button, letting the gates open slowly before he pulled the SUV into the private driveway.  

Susan's eyes widened, giving a little gasp as they drove up to the house, which was beautifully lit, the Christmas lights sparkling, warm light pouring from the windows.   The snow was falling gently, making it even more amazing, it felt a bit dreamlike, sitting in front of this incredible house with her husband. 

"You put up lights?  Wow, it's beautiful John."   

He stopped in front of the house, back far enough so she could get the effect, then jumped out, going around to help her out of the car.  He put his arm around her, letting her lean into him.

"You like it?"  He brushed a few flakes of snow off her hair, loving the effect, he could not have planned it better if he'd tried.

"Yes, it's amazing, how did you get this all done."

"I have to confess, I hired someone to come out and do it, no way was I climbing ladders in this weather, I got a referral from one of our new neighbours, they did a great job.  Want to go inside for a minute?  It's cold out here."

"Sure, we're here, we can plan where we are going to put stuff.  It's exciting, only a few more days and this is going to be our home."  She let John assist her to the front door, admiring the wreath as he punched in the code, then opened the door, ushering her inside. He helped her slide off her coat, hanging it on the rack while she took off her wet boots.

He took her hand, leading her through, watching her face as the recognition came over her.

"John."  Susan stood speechless, staring as she realized the house was warm, smelled delightfully of fresh baking, it looked like someone lived here.  Like _she_ lived here.

 "Merry Christmas."  John watched her face as she took in the family room, fully decorated including a tree, ready for the holidays. The furniture, carefully arranged, the fire crackling in the fireplace, throwing off warmth that cut through the chill outside.   

 "Wow, this is amazing!"  She walked through slowly, taking in everything, moving from room to room, she could feel the tears building.  "I need to see upstairs."

They mounted the staircase, Susan getting more excited as she viewed each room, noting the beds were made, the kids things neatly organized, the guest rooms set up including every detail, right down to the towels and soaps they'd picked out and ordered.

She finally entered the master bedroom, seeing their bed and belongings already in their places, her clothes hung neatly, and a small fire crackling in the fireplace.

She turned, wrapping her arms around John, hugging him tightly, letting the tears fall.

"This is wonderful.  You did it all?  It looks perfect, so perfect, how did you do this?"

"You like it?"  He pulled out a handkerchief, something he still carried all the time, just for occasions like this.

"I love it, it looks just like I'd imagined.  You did all of this while I was at Lexi's?  How?"  Susan patted her eyes gratefully, thinking he was a bit like a boy scout, always prepared.

John dropped a kiss on her hair, pleased that she was so appreciative of the effort.

"A little help...well actually a _lot_ of help from the movers, Emily, Elise, Luka, Deb...and a few others.  I knew you were stressing out about the move so I got Lexi to get you out of the way for a while and we just went to work.  Cosmo and I came out a few days ago and cut down a tree, it was a group effort, but we are officially moved, the other house is empty and I have cleaners going in tomorrow so the new tenants can move in."

"Where are the kids?"

"With Elise and Rachel in a hotel for tonight.  We have the house to ourselves, dinner is in the oven, it will be ready in about an hour.  Don't worry, Emily made it and put it in the oven for us, the table is all set and ready."

"Wow, so we have a romantic night to ourselves, first night in our new house?  I can't get over this John, that you did this.  Now all I have to do is...is there anything I have to do?"

"Not much, Emily will get the groceries we need for the holiday meals, she is going to come in and help with the preparations and I hired a part time housekeeper who will take care of the cleaning, dishes and such, especially over the holidays as we have so many people coming.  I don't want you to over do it, with the baby."  He rested a hand on her belly.  "Whatever you'd like, do a little baking if you want, soak in the tub, sleep in, play with the kids in the snow?  Have some friends over?"

"The open house on Christmas Eve?  You didn't did you?"

"I might have."  He gave her a little smile.  "You know there are quite a few people we worked with for a really long time that don't have much family, so yeah, I invited a few to drop in, and several accepted, but don't worry, we have a caterer who is going to provide a couple servers, they will do the food and clean up afterwards.  We have a good crowd for Christmas Day too, Lexi and Luka, Todd and Wendy, Peter and Cleo, Harper, Deb, and of course us and all the kids.  The guest rooms will be pretty much full."

"I love you."  Susan reached up, giving him a long deep kiss.  "This is too much, like the Christmas Elves were at work."

"What is Christmas without the Elves.  It's part of your gift from me, this is a busy time of the year, we have some events to go to ourselves, and I wanted to make it easier, make it fun, not exhausting.  If you don't like how things are set up, we can change things around after the holidays, but it's done, the kitchen is unpacked, the fridge full of food, the guest rooms ready, the playroom set up for the kids, and we have help hired so you don't have to be run off your feet making meals."

Susan was overwhelmed, no one had ever done anything like this for her before. Ever.

* * *

 

Susan padded quietly down the stairs, it felt unreal that this magnificent home was theirs.  She knew the kids would be arriving in a couple hours and she thought she would try to eat before then.

"Good morning, baby."  John gave her a kiss as she came into the kitchen, he had coffee brewing, and was making himself some breakfast already.  "What can I get for you?"

"You can pinch me, this feels like some sort of crazy dream.  This place is just incredible, if you told me a few years ago that I would ever live in a place like this, I would have said you were insane."  Susan slid onto one of the stools at the raised counter.  "I love it though, it feels...homey."

"Yeah, well, if you told me I would ever want to live in a house like this again, then I would have laughed at you."

"Again.  Right, this is nothing to you."

"Wrong, Susan, it is everything.  My grandmothers house was twice this size, on an enormous lot, acres and acres of land, and my parents house was bigger than this too.  But...those houses were so empty half the time, this house is going to be full, with our family, our kids, our friends.  It is more than I ever thought I would have, but mostly because I have you and our children.  Otherwise no way would we be in a house like this."

"I know John.  I woke up and looked out, the sun sparkling off the lake, it looks like a magical land of snow out there.  You truly did an amazing job setting this place up."

"I am glad you like it, Susan, it took a bit of doing, but I had a lot of help, I could not have done it alone."

"I don't like it John, I love it.  Every little detail, you took care of, everything we talked about, you remembered.  You listened, and you took all those ideas and made it into our home."

John smiled at that.  "Always the tone of surprise.  I do actually listen when you talk, and I have a pretty good memory, you had some terrific ideas, I actually made notes too.  I wanted it to be done right the first time."

"Little know fact that you are such a perfectionist.  No wonder working with Benton drove you nuts, you and him in the same room."

"Well, I won't argue with that, I guess I am a perfectionist when it comes to most things.  If you grew up with my family you would be too, there was not tolerance for errors.  Working with Benton was challenging, he is even worse than I am when it comes to expectations, but he taught me a lot, in hindsight he was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me career wise.  You know Hicks said once that I was one of the few students that survived Benton."

"She was right, there was more than one intern who quit County because of Benton.  He had ridiculously high expectations of his students, you were like the little terrier that never gave up, the harder he pushed you the better you did, and it impressed the hell out of everyone.  You are still one of the best students to have gone through that hell hole in my books.  Honestly, I look at you and it blows me away how good of a doctor you became."

"You doubted me."

"Yes, I have to admit, the first day you walked in the door, with that tailored lab coat, so well dressed,  looking like you were barely out of high school?  You got a few comments, but boy did we underestimate John Carter."

"You should never underestimate me, Susan."  He stepped closer, leaning down to kiss her, wrapping his arm around her waist.  "Never."

"I know that now, John, but you were so nervous and adorable those first couple of weeks, then suddenly you weren't.  Well, you were still adorable, just not so nervous, you learned really quickly, rarely did you mess up, but when you did, you were way too hard on yourself.  I remember your first day as a doctor."

"That was a rough one, I remember my first trauma, I'm in there with Carol and working on a patient and I was freaking out.  I look at her and tell her someone should call a doctor."  He laughed.  "Being Carol she just looks me in the eye and says 'you are the doctor'.  It hit me like a ton of bricks right them...but it helped, I pulled it together and got through it.  I felt like an idiot, but I got through it."

"We all had days like that John, I remember when Kaysen was at me all the time, we were in a trauma and I was doing fine until the guy walked in and started criticizing me.  I froze, like a deer in the headlights, and got pushed to the side.  We're human and it is a huge responsibility, what we do.  How many times did you hold someones life in your hands, knowing that every decision you made was life or death, that a family was waiting and you might have to tell them they'd lost someone they love?"

"Too many Susan, way too many.  It's easy to have perspective on it now, but back then it felt like every move you made was being watched, judged, and failure was not an option because if you failed, someone died.  It feels so strange that I have to give it all up, after working so hard to get where I was."

"Experience, it came with experience.  Last time I watched you in a trauma, you didn't blink, you didn't question, you just...did what you needed to do.  You have earned a lot of respect from everyone you worked with, John, I could see it when I came back to Chicago.  I could see it in Des Moines even, the way you revamped the ER in less than a week?  I know you can't work in the ER much now, but...you still have so much to give as a doctor.  Your work at the Carter Centre, how you deal with the students there?  Don't forget all of the people you helped on the road to becoming doctors too, and the lives they are saving now.  Hell, Morris, who knew anyone could turn him into a doctor, but even he turned out pretty well and he respects you."

"He surprised me, but he turned out okay."

"Mark would have been so incredibly proud of you.  Peter is proud of you, the only student he ever bragged about, you made him look good, and he loves you like you're his little brother.  There is something about you, I am glad you are part of my life."

"He would have been proud of you too, Susan.  He died too young, but Rachel, she is so much like him, he would have been happy to see her succeed like she has too."

"You know he was like a brother to me?  Just like a big brother and I loved him, but you John, you turned out to be the better doctor.  I hate to compare you, but you are, you're much more decisive, more able to stand up to people, the better leader, you took the lessons he taught you, and learned them well.  I love you in a way I could never have loved him, and I wish we had been...more mature when we dated.  Does that make sense?"

"It does, and on one level, I wish that too, because I think we would have had far less pain in our lives.  But on the other hand?  I love what we have now, our children, our friends, our life, and it wouldn't be the same, I know I learned some huge lessons in those years we weren't together.  Not happy ones, but...still, we are here, together, now and that is what matters the most."

"You make too much sense, so philosophical, so..."

"Crazy?"

"No, never crazy, John.  Passionate, competitive, a little over the top sometimes?   But never crazy, you follow your heart, more people should learn to do that and the world might be a better place."

Susan took his hand, pulling him towards the stairs.

"Where are we going?"  John followed her willingly.

"Where do you think?  I need to show my husband how much I love him one more time before the kids get home."  Susan threw an inviting smile over her shoulder, wanting to treasure every moment they had together.


	50. Chapter 50

"Mommy!  Get up, get up, Santa came, Santa came!"  Susan started as Cosmo shook her, her eyes popping open, which she immediately regretted as the bedrooms lights came on full force at the same moment.

"Ow."  She closed her eyes, then reopened them, shielding her face as she did.  "The lights, Cosmo, turn off the lights."

John sighed, opening his own eyes, finding himself staring into a set of brown orbs remarkably like his own.

"Daddy.  Get up!"  Devon demanded, crawling onto the bed and starting to hop up and down.  "Up, time for pwesents, daddy."

Soon there was another voice added as Ava joined in, she was incredibly mobile now and they'd moved her into a proper bed, she had started to try and escape her crib on a regular basis. With the move, her crib had been moved into the baby's room, which was set up and ready for the arrival of their son.

"Dada, mama, up."

John grabbed his daughter and tossed her into the middle of the bed.  "Shh, honey.  Wow, it's 5 am guys, really?"  John looked over and saw Joe hovering in the doorway, a bit shy to join the other kids.  "Come on in Joe, join the party."

At the invitation, the small boy grinned and raced in, joining Devon on the bed too.

Susan rolled her eyes at John, who slid out of bed, grabbing some clothes and disappearing into the bathroom.

"Coward."  She mumbled, but rescinded the opinion when John reappeared quickly, now fully dressed.  

"Who wants...breakfast?"  He offered to the rambunctious children.

"Me, me!"  Came a chorus of replies.

"All right, everyone go wash and then downstairs, but you have to be quiet, lots of people are still sleeping okay?  We'll have something to eat until everyone is up, we can't have Christmas until everyone is ready."  He gave Susan a little wink, then leaned in to give her a kiss.  "Go back to sleep baby, the alarm is set for 6, I'll keep them busy, take them down to the play room."

"I love you."  She whispered, rolling over and dozing off as John corralled the kids, herding them out of the room so Susan could rest a while longer. 

He stopped for Ben and Maya, who of course were awake now too, and he saw a few more eyes peek out, Reese had been sharing Cosmo's room and Todd and Wendy's kids came out of their room, John beckoned for them all to come downstairs.

He started with juice all around, Reese, Cosmo, Mila and Christophe helping with the younger kids, keeping them out of the presents under the tree and out of John's way as he started pulling things out of the fridge and turned on the coffee maker.

"Good morning.  How can I help?"

John looked over to see Harper, bright and cheery, she had showered and dressed as soon as she heard the commotion from the kids.  She gave Devon a hug and kiss and wished everyone Merry Christmas.

"Good morning.  Would you like to help get these monsters some breakfast?  We have sausage and bacon, I thought maybe with French Toast?  Quick and easy and then they can have more to eat later if they want.  Emily will be up to make breakfast for the adults in about an hour."

Harper nodded and started cracking eggs while John put the trays of sausage and bacon into the oven and warmed the griddle that was part of their large gas range.

"This house is crazy, John, I never quite pictured it, but it kind of suits you.  Lucky lady our Susan."

John rolled his eyes at her, starting to put the French Toast on the grill, and directing Cosmo to get syrup, butter and ketchup on the table while the other three older kids were setting the table.

"Yeah, well the house I grew up in was bigger."  He gave her a little smirk, and she frowned at him.

"You're kidding."

"Not.  My grandmothers house was at least twice as big, on over 200 acres of land in OakBrook.  Had to have room for the staff."

Harper snorted.  "The one she left you in her Estate?  I wish I'd seen it."

"I'll take you there one day, I donated it to Northwestern as a residence for visiting medical professionals.  It's not a private residence, I can still get in there, I have some cars stored in one of the garages."

"The staff?"  She checked on the bacon and sausages.

"Yeah, the maids?  The butler?  The cook, you know, the staff."

"Now I know you're kidding."

"No, I'm not.  My grandmother had Henry, the night butler. Alger was her driver and butler during the day, Corinne was the cook, Angie was the maid and Emily was the housekeeper.  I didn't know the names of all the gardeners but Frank took care of the horses.  Even at my house we always had a couple maids and a cook along with the nanny, my mother was not domestic."

"The nanny?  You had a nanny?"

"When I was really young, yes, and then when I was 11 they sent me to boarding school."  

"So when the kids get older...when Devon gets older, you are going to want to send him away to school?"  Harper lifted her chin, ready to go into fight mode.

"No, I don't want to send my kids away like that, I want them to go to school where the can come every day afterwards.  Harper?"  He could see that she was defensive about this subject.  "You and I will discuss things like that when it comes to our son.  I know he lives here now most of the time, but it doesn't mean you don't get to help make decisions about his life."

Harper nodded.  "I'm being silly, just...I knew you grew up in a wealthy family, but the reality is really strange.  Maids and butlers and nannies and boarding school?  So is Emily here the one who worked for your grandmother too?"

"Uh huh, she comes and works for me once in a while, she is semi retired but she likes being around the kids.  She was around when I was a kid, she's a bit like family.  I don't need her full time, but for occasions like this?  It's perfect, she is a really great cook, she'll help with dinner tonight, take a bit of the pressure off Susan."

Harper shook her head, she'd known he came from money, but that was just ridiculous.  As was this house, she knew it had to be worth millions, considering the size of the house, the lot and the fact that it was waterfront in a more affluent neighbourhood so close to Chicago.  She thought about how much child support he had offered for Devon and it made her pause slightly, she could easily have accepted it, but she just didn't feel right about doing so.

She was never after his money, she cared about John, she cared about their son, and she knew that neither she nor Devon would ever go wanting for anything.  John was generous, overly so, and she never intended to take advantage of him.

"Everyone time to eat!"  John announced, filling plates for the ones who could cut their own food, then cutting up some food into very small bites for the twins. keeping an eye on them as they used small fingers to pick up the bits to transport it into their mouths.  Harper helped transport the food to the table, and they both refilled plates and drinks as needed, helping the twins with their meals too.

Soon the adults started to trickle down into the kitchen and Emily arrived, quickly and efficiently getting breakfast going for the adults, shooing John and Harper out of the kitchen.  

"You should have woken me up Dr. Carter, I would have made breakfast for the little tikes."

"It's fine Emily, I'm not completely hopeless in the kitchen and I had some help, you will have a busy day already with dinner service."

She sighed and set to work, she loved the man but he was exasperating, it was her job, didn't he know that after all these years?  She loved taking care of him and his family, she thought his grandmother would be so pleased to know he was happy, married and had finally produced some children.  She knew the elder Mrs. Carter had feared for her grandson, that he would never find the joy she'd had with her beloved John Sr., but to look at him now?  Emily smiled, watching him scoop up Ben and set him on his lap, talking and laughing with the friends assembled around the table, the loving looks he shared with Dr. Lewis as she rubbed her belly.

He'd gone through a lot, but she was sure his grandparents would be proud of him, his grandmother must be smiling down on them, seeing her grandson happy at last.

* * *

 Breakfast finally over, they all moved into the family room, gathering around, watching the kids open stockings, then on to the massive pile of gifts.  With all the adults and kids assembled, it took some time to open the presents, leaving a tornado of wrapping paper and gift bags behind.  The kids of course had the majority of gifts, John and Susan had requested that none of their friends buy them anything personally, feeling like they really needed nothing, buying just a small gift for each other.

Susan noted that Harper had ignored the request, she had purchased a gift for John, and Susan was touched that she received some beautiful leather driving gloves and matching cashmere scarf that Harper had found in Florence Italy before she moved back to the states.  She had also shipped in some German beer and a few other treats, managing to bring them in on an Air Force transport, bringing them to share with everyone over the holidays.

"Wow, Harper."  John held up the leather coat, giving the woman a look.  "You really should not have done this."

He recognized it, they had seen it when they visited Florence together, and he had opted not to buy it at the time, knowing he was going back to Darfur...and no one needed that kind of lined leather coat in Africa.

"Check the pockets."  Harper gave him a smile, seeing Susan and Lexi exchanging glances with each other, fearing that she'd overstepped, but knowing how much John had loved the coat, how great it had looked when he'd tried it on.  Truth be told, she bought it quite some time ago, but had never given it to him, and she wanted him to have it, in Chicago it was much more practical than in Africa.

John patted down the pockets, coming up with an envelope.  

"Tickets.  For Houston?"  

"Yeah, I thought...well I can take in visitors, I thought maybe you'd like to come down, bring Cosmo, Susan.  The younger ones wouldn't get much out of the visit, but you could see behind the scenes so to speak.  Kind of for the whole family, but they didn't cost me anything, so...they are open to use whenever you like."

"Seriously?" John could see Cosmo looking at him with big eyes, nodding furiously.

"Of course, you two enjoyed the Air Force Base, this is even more fun."

"Thank you, we will have to try and arrange a trip once Susan can travel."

* * *

 Susan came out of the bathroom, Lexi and Jing-Mei were admiring the room, looking at the patio which over looked the back yard.

They could hear the voices, Luka, Todd, Peter and John, Wendy and Harper had taken all the kids outside to wear off some energy, building snowmen and pulling the younger kids on the sleds.  Cleo was taking a nap as she was feeling a little under the weather, or so she said.  Susan suspected it was more that Cleo took a long time to warm up to people, she and Susan tolerated each other for the sake of John and Peter, but never really hit it off.  Susan could tell Cleo was bothered by the house, John's wealth irritated her, even though Cleo had grown up in a more affluent family than Susan or Peter, she still seemed to have issues with it.

Lexi lifted the coat of the bench at the end of the bed, feeling the buttery leather, looking at the tag.  

"Italian leather.  Made in Florence, Italy. Wow, so much for not buying you two gifts, Italian leather, German beer, Belgian chocolate, and Macaron from France, nice stuff.  She was downstairs when I got there this morning too, helping John feed the kids."

Susan shrugged.  "I know Lex, but what do I do?  It was nice of her, I couldn't refuse the gift and you have to admit, the coat looks pretty damn great on him.  We just didn't want everyone to worry about getting us stuff, I mean obviously if we want or need something we just buy it for ourselves.  Kind of strange though, I swear she spent more on him than I did."

"Or not, since you two just bought this house, redecorated it, furnished it...and you are giving him another son, Susan, you make him happy, that is worth more than a coat."

"Harper gave him a son too, he loves Devon."  Susan raised an eyebrow at Lexi.

"He loves all of them, I don't see him singling out any of the kids for special attention...tell me that you think he plays favourites."  Lexi stared back at her.

"Of course doesn't Lexi, he is great with all of them, I just felt weird that she gave us stuff when we specifically asked everyone not to."

"John told me if I had the urge to buy him gifts I should just donate the money to the Carter Centre, or buy gifts for the kids at the clinic in Kisangani.  He sent a whole package over to Debbie and Angelique."  Jing-Mei brushed her hand over the leather.  "That is what I did, I took the money I would spend on gifts for people here and bought things on the list for the clinic he worked at in Africa."

Lexi smiled.  "That is what Luka and I did too, and Peter and Todd and Wendy, John told us the same thing, that he just wanted Christmas to be about the kids having fun and being together like family, not about buying expensive gifts for each other.  I helped package everything up, we had a huge response from both the staff at the Centre and at County.  John sent in nice lunches for both places for the staff, County is getting something today for those who have to work on Christmas. They all decided to not do the Secret Santa and donate the funds to a good cause, and bought gifts for a children's charity and some goodies to hand out to any kids that ended up in the ER today."

"If you want my advice?"  Jing-Mei sighed.  "Don't make a deal out of it, you trust him, I think she was just being nice and the tickets are just a perk she gets from work.  He won't like you making a federal case out of the gift, she lived over there, not such a big deal, she's know him forever.  You have to admit those gloves are nice too."

"I know you're right, Jing-Mei, I just...get a little tired of women flirting with my husband.  We went to a couple of functions before Christmas and it was disgusting, these women coming up and hanging off of him...some Senators daughter?  And do you remember Erin Harkins?  Her dad is the lawyer that handled probate on his grandparents wills, and her sister Rebecca Harkins?  I wanted to push her into the pool, she made me sick to my stomach, she was fawning all over him, daddy must have sent her after the rich guy."

Jing-Mei laughed.  "Oh don't worry about it, John laughs at girls like that, you know he has no time for ditsy gold diggers.  The fact is Susan, he's stinking rich and good looking, a doctor and well known in Chicago.  You have no idea how well known the name Carter is, but he has to put up with it to a certain extent to keep the money flowing for all that charity stuff you two are doing.  At the end of the day, who is he coming home with?"

"Me?"  Susan rubbed her belly, thinking that Jing-Mei had a point.

"Is that a question?  He loves you, Susan, if he'd wanted to be with Harper Tracy?  Well he had the opportunity and passed on it.  Same with these other women, his family was throwing women at him from the time he graduated high school, trying to fix him up on dates.  Senators daughters, the Mayors daughter, lawyers, any sort of high class big shot that had someone the right age?  They were tossing their daughters at him, my parents traveled in the same circles to a certain extent, when they heard I was at County working with him you know what they said?  Shame he's not Chinese, he would be perfect for you Jing-Mei."

Susan and Lexi both laughed, Susan realizing it was silly to worry about it.

"I suppose you're right, he never showed any interest in them before, so I am sure he is not going to change his view."

"Some of those pictures in the study, are they for real?"  Lexi stretched then rested a hand on her belly.

"Yes, they are for real.  Crazy right?  He met a lot of those people, his grandparents would have these big fancy dinner parties, and he was forced to go, especially when he was a teenager and his parents were out of the country.  This whole other side of his life, he never embraced it, he was more trapped into it when his grandmother died."

"He has done some really great things, though, you have to admit.  He has totally refocused the whole Foundation, the charities are overwhelmingly dedicated to helping under privileged children and improving health care for the low income and uninsured.  You have to be proud of that...he has to be proud of what he's accomplished."  Lexi was a strong supporter of what they were doing with the money that was fundraised, and she had noticed it was making a huge difference, especially for children who had never before seen a dentist, or had a proper check up.  "The HIV/AIDS daycare alone, Susan, you must know that we have a waiting list now?  The Board is talking about how to manage it, sourcing out to see if they can find a premise that can be renovated to provide more spots?  So many families can't find anyone who will take an HIV positive child, and it is sad how many are out there, but hopeful that the ones that are finally getting spots are also getting onto the proper drug regimen.  We are also spotting HIV positive parents who are not getting treatment, and that leads into education for them, how to take care of themselves and how to stop spreading the infection, using proper birth control, and taking anti-virals to help prevent them from passing it on to unborn babies."

"I know, John told me, and I am proud of him.  It's difficult in some ways, he has pretty much stopped working in the ER, he just can't do shifts and 20 hour days, and be exposed to all the stuff that comes through there.  The challenge has been to redirect his energy, because the man cannot sit still, his mind works at about twice the speed of light.  You are going to see a lot more programs coming, I can guarantee it, it's like his new way of saving people, like he is always watching and listening and learning, and then he comes up with these crazy brilliant ideas. Things that don't seem possible, yet somehow, he knows someone who knows someone who can make it happen and then this new program appears.  I do not know how he does it, I'd be exhausted, but he just thrives on it."

Jing-Mei nodded.  "He is kind of brilliant Susan, did you ever see his GPA?  His MCAT score?  Try having him as the other surgical student you are competing against, I'm book smart, but his brain works on a whole other level, like even when he is busy with something his subconscious is busy problem solving.  As far as exhausted?   After being a surgical intern, and getting through residency I am sure he feels like he gets more than enough rest.  I noticed now that I don't do the long shifts, I feel so well rested most of the time it doesn't feel real."

Both Lexi and Susan had to agree with her, Lexi was working regular hours Monday to Friday and Susan was off work entirely, except for taking care of the kids.  The ability to sleep nights made a huge difference.

"On top of that, he is well connected, and extremely gifted at dealing with people, adults and children alike.  There aren't too many people who don't like him, he can usually charm his way into their good books.  Look at Benton...who is currently out in the back yard chasing around your children, I could never have imagined."  Jing-Mei shook her head.  "He was so difficult and demanding and outright dismissive when we were students, yet John survived him and turned him into his best friend."

"Enjoy it Susan, he has energy."  Lexi gave her a smile and a wink which made Susan laugh.

"That he does.  Not complaining, nope not a bit."

Jing-Mei shook her head at them.  "TMI Susan, TMI."

* * *

Everyone was enjoying a pre dinner cocktail when the doorbell rang.  Susan looked at John, who frowned slightly, but he got up to answer the door.  The minute he opened it, he wished he hadn't.

"John."  Eleanor gave him a tight smile, he noticed that her smiles never quite went to her eyes, it was all surface with her.

"Eleanor.  How did you get this address?"  He crossed his arms, not moving from the middle of the doorway, not giving an inch.

"John, don't be rude, I thought I taught you better manners.  Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"No, I am busy at the moment, this is not a good time.  What did you want?"  

"I came to see my son, and my grandchildren.  I brought them gifts for Christmas.  They are in the car if you would be so good to have the butler fetch them?"  Eleanor raised an eyebrow.  "Nice house John, though I am surprised to see you in Lake Forest, I would have thought you'd move into your grandmothers house."

"First, no butler.  Second, Eleanor, I would prefer you didn't purchase gifts for the children.  I really should get back to my guests, if there is nothing else?  I would ask that you leave now."

"John!  I will not have you speak to me like that.  If I wish to purchase gifts for my grandchildren, I will, and I expect better behaviour from you.  You are my son, and as part of this family I deserve and demand respect!"  Her voice was getting strident, John slid on the shoes by the door and stepped out, closing the front door behind him forcing her to step backwards.

"Family?  You cannot be serious.  I haven't seen you in almost 10 years, Eleanor.  You left years ago, you haven't been my mother since I was 11 years old, you lost Bobby and after that you couldn't care less about anyone else.  My children are NOT your grandchildren, they never will be.  Pack up your bags and go home, wherever that is, and don't bother contacting me again.  As for deserving and demanding respect?  Forget it, I'm not a child Eleanor, more to the point, _you_ are not my family.  My family is inside this house.  Take whatever you bought back to the store, or donate it to a charity, but I don't need it and I don't want it.  Too little too late.  Now please remove yourself from my private property and forget where I live."  He pointed to her car, then turned and went back in the house, firmly shutting the door.

Susan was standing in the hallway as he stepped back in, she searched his face, seeing the anger, the hurt, everything he had been feeling about his mother for a long time and had never been able to say to Eleanor.  She reached out, taking his hand, and pulling him up the stairs, into their bedroom, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"Are you okay?"  She whispered as she felt his arms go around her, his head against her hair.

"I just need a minute or two and I'll be fine.  Sorry, did everyone hear that?"

"Uh yeah.  You were yelling pretty loud John, but its okay, the kids are downstairs playing or up napping and everyone else in that room, they are all your friends.  It is no surprise to anyone that you don't want her here John, she had been absent from your life, in fact I doubt anyone but me has ever even met her.  Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No.  Let's go down and enjoy dinner, Emily has worked really hard and I don't want to ruin the day.  I refuse to let her ruin our day, Susan, this is about our friends and our family."  He kissed her gently, then took her hand, leading her back down to join the party.

* * *

Jing-Mei peeked out the window, trying to be inconspicuous.  After John and Susan had disappeared, she had quietly left the room, excusing herself as if going to the ladies room.  She noted that Eleanor did not leave right away, instead she disappeared into the car, the driver opening the trunk and unloading an incredibly large volume of gifts and finally getting back in the car and driving back up the lane.

"Spying?"  Harper's voice made her jump.  "What's going on out there that is so interesting?"

"John is going to very unhappy, that is what is going on.  Eleanor finally just left but I fear she unloaded the gifts before she did.  I am not sure if we should tell John."

"Tell me what?"  

Both women turned, seeing John standing there with his arms crossed, eyebrows raised.  Neither woman spoke, fidgeting slightly.

"Oh come on, just tell me.  What did she do?  Eleanor right?  You don't need to protect me, just spill it, is she still out there sitting in the car, hoping if she pouts long enough I'll relent and invite her in for dinner?"

"No, I believe she left, but she did leave all the gifts on the doorstep."  Jing-Mei watched his face.

"Son of a bitch, she just never listens does she?  Ah, okay, we will have to get them and sneak them somewhere so the kids don't see them.  Then we will go through them later and divide them up and I'll drop them off to a charity."

"Or."  Harper got a smile on her face.  "We can put them in your car and take them to a children's home or something and give them to the kids today?  Or take them down to County and give them out?"

"Tomorrow Harper, we will take care of them tomorrow.  Right now we have a really fabulous dinner waiting that Emily has worked on all day and I want to sit down with my family and friends and have a nice meal.  Let's leave them where they are and we can deal with them after the kids are in bed."   John suddenly knew that he was not going to let this get to him, he was going to ignore it for now, and just enjoy the rest of the day.  "Shall we?"

* * *

Susan looked up as John, Jing-Mei and Harper joined the group, she had an inquiring look on her face, but he just gave a subtle shake of his head, warning her not to ask.  He checked over the table then added an extra spot.

"Are you inviting her in?"  Susan hissed under her breath.

"No. You'll see."

Emily was bustling about, getting dinner on the table, John enlisted the help of Cosmo, Reese, Mila and Christophe to help her place the dishes on the table.

"Dr. Carter, I will do it.  Is everyone getting impatient?"  Emily seemed flustered.

"Not at all, its just we do things a bit differently than my grandparents, you have done a marvellous job, everything looks so wonderful and smells delicious.  Emily?"

"Yes?  What can I get you?"

"Nothing, but I would really like it if you sat down and had dinner with us.  And I would really like it if you called me John, you have known me since I was about 5, and it's a bit too formal."

Emily frowned.  "Oh I couldn't."

"Emily, you really could.  I know this is a tough Christmas for you, and you have been like family to me, we would like it if you joined us for dinner."  He held up a hand as she made to protest.  "You took care of my grandparents and me for years, I think Gamma would like it if you joined us.  Elise is going to eat with us, it would make me happy if you would too."

Emily relented, somehow feeling like maybe some new traditions were in order.  She had lost her husband this past year, they'd never been blessed with children and she had planned to eat later after dinner was done.  Being invited to eat with them, the notion that John thought of her as part of the family made her feel part of something for the first time in a very long while.  

Everyone seemed to suddenly jump in and in no time the rest of the meal was on the table, the wine or other beverages poured and the whole group gathered around the table, including all the children.  Susan reached out to take John's hand, giving it a squeeze when she realized who the extra place setting was for, she smiled her approval, knowing that despite the changes in their lives, the move to the new house, he was still the warm caring man she had fallen in love with.  

"Merry Christmas, everyone."  Everyone drank a toast, clinking glasses, and started to pass the food around the table.  John smiled as everyone started to talk and the room got noisy with happy voices and laughter.  This was one of the best holidays he'd had in a very long time.

* * *

Much later, after the meal had been eaten, the kitchen cleaned and the kids all put to bed, everyone started to drift of to their own rooms.  It had been a long and busy day, and most were ready to retire and get some much needed rest.  John finally opened the front door, taking a look at the pile of gifts sitting on the front step.  There was quite a pile, he was aghast at how many boxes and bags were sitting there.  He sighed, then started to bring them in, intending to take them to the office so the kids would not come across them.

"Hey."  Susan's soft voice cut across his thoughts.  "She left them.  That is quite a pile of stuff."

"Yeah, Deb and Harper saw her before she left, she just dumped them and went.  At least she left, but of course now I have to deal with these.  Looks like she bought out half of Neiman Marcus, instead of giving her time, she just pours money on the problem.  I was going to put them in the office so the kids don't see them."

"I'll help, you take the big ones, I'll take the little ones.  Are you sure she only bought out half the store?"  Susan joked as they started to carry stuff in.

They piled it up, John gave his head a shake.  "Want to help me unwrap them?  Then we can give them to the appropriate places."

"Sure, I'm up for another gift opening, I'm curious about what she bought them and...how does she know their names?"

"I'm not sure she does, this one is for Anna, this is for Mia, this one is for...Ben, one of out three right, um,  one for Mrs. Carter, one for me, and one for baby."  He sorted the gifts into piles ending up with six piles with four gifts per pile.  "So nothing for Devon and nothing for Cosmo.  She got half the names right, and missed two kids...well less than half, since 'baby' isn't actually what we are naming our son, but fair enough I guess." 

"She actually addressed them to 'Mrs. Carter?"  Susan looked at the tags on her gifts and then frowned.  "She did, wow, I told her my name when she came to the house, I corrected her even, and she calls me Mrs. Carter?"

"Well apparently our daughters our Anna and Mia, not Ava and Maya, the only child she got the name right was Ben.  Details are not her strong suit.  Okay, here goes.  What did Mrs. Carter get from Eleanor?"

Susan opened the first gift bag, finding a sweater, which Susan held it up against her.  

"What size is that?"  John frowned.

"XXL.  Apparently Mrs. Carter has quite the weight problem, according to Eleanor.  She gave us gifts for 'baby'  so I am assuming she knew I was pregnant and not just...large."

"Yeah, but even with junior on board, there is no way anyone could even dream you were an XXL Susan, that is her sending you a message.  Unbelievable, trying to gain points by insulting my wife?  Do you even want to open the next one?"

"Oh yeah, game on, seriously John, let's have some fun with this."  Susan reached for the next package, finding an exercise outfit, again in a size way too big for her.  The next one was a massive box of chocolates, and finally a bath set with soaps and bath salts.

"So I am overweight, but here is a big ass box of chocolates and take a bath because you smell?"  Susan laughed.  "Your turn."

"I don't even need to open them, I can tell you exactly what I got, three shirts, two ties, a sweater and another set of cufflinks."

Susan frowned then watched as he opened the packages, pulling out exactly the gifts he had named.

"Jack would always buy something different each year, at least he put a bit of thought into it, but Eleanor, same gifts every year, without fail.  Of course nothing for the last 10 years, but...anyway, why don't you see what 'Anna' got?"

They took turns opening the gifts, and Susan had to admit some of the stuff was nice, but they were not going to keep any of it.  There were no gift receipts included, so they could not even return it to the store.  The children's gifts were mostly toys.

"I think we should put these toys in the HIV daycare."  Susan was looking at them carefully.  "They are good quality, they should stand up to abuse of so many kids playing with them.  The chocolates I think we could take to County and leave them out for the staff, the clothes you and I got along with the bath stuff can go to one of the shelters.  The only thing left is the cuff links, which look like...silver?"

"Platinum.  They're platinum.  You know I was asked for a couple auction items for a fundraiser?  Maybe I should take the stuff I got and make up an extra package for them, add something like some Bulls tickets, the shirts need cufflinks, anyone at a shelter is going to hawk the cufflinks and use the money for drugs or alcohol.  Totally not the right clothing, these are for a business person, ties?  What homeless person is going to wear a silk tie.  I think we know where to redistribute these, and the couple baby clothing items can just go to the daycare too, I'll tell the staff to tuck them into someones bag or put the baby in them, pretend their clothes got soiled?  Some of the kids come in rags, I swear it is really sad."

"So maybe as the kids outgrow their clothes we should just take them there and donate them John.  I was dropping them at a shelter, but they have gotten quite a bit of stuff from us, we should set up a clothing donation drop somewhere...in a good neighbourhood like Lake Forest we could get some quality donations."

"Perhaps, I thought about it, but you end up with a lot of garbage stuff too and it takes time and staff and space to sort things.  I think just having people we know, who don't need to resell their baby clothes donate their items, or doing a small drive at a school or something might be better.  I don't want to make it something we have to take care of on a regular basis?  We already have notices for our staff, a lot of them are on board, though not everyone has small kids and it is totally voluntary.  We have a notice up but I don't want to hound people about it."

They cleaned up the wrapping paper then piled up the gifts, shutting the office door.  

"Well, Mrs. Carter, are you ready for bed?"  John held out his hand.

"Absolutely Mr. Carter."  

 


	51. Chapter 51

"When is this baby ever going to arrive?"  Lexi leveraged herself up off the sofa, walking to stare out at the snow covered back yard.  She smiled, watching Luka and John playing with kids, Cosmo dragging the twins on a sled while Joe, Devon and Ava worked on the snowman.  She loved seeing the two men with the children, they were both just meant to be daddy's.  Or she sure thought so.

"What?"  Susan waddled over, feeling like the baby was down between her knees about now, she was less than three weeks out from her due date and Lexi was almost two weeks overdue.  It seemed unreal that both her and her best friend were about to have new babies, and that John and Luka had become such great friends.  They could watch their children grow up together.

Even Joe and Devon were not that far apart in age and seemed to get along well.

Lexi had been anxiously awaiting the big event since Christmas, but their daughter was not cooperating and they'd just been in for another visit to the doctor who was going to induce if the baby didn't arrive soon.

"Look at the big boys, I am not sure who is having more fun, the kids or the grown men."  Lexi rubbed her belly as she watched John lift Joe up to put a hat on top of the snowman.

"It is really great to see them so happy."  Susan gave Lexi a quick hug.  "You know they both have had a lot of loss in their lives, having a family is something they both wanted pretty badly.  You know Luka's story right?"

"Yes, it took a while, but he finally shared it with me, horrible, losing your whole family like that so suddenly, knowing that if you had not left when you did you would likely have died with them?  He loved his wife a lot, and I sometimes wonder if I can ever replace her."

"Of course not, Lexi, but I don't mean that in...a bad way.  Danijela was someone he loved dearly, along with his son and daughter, and you can never _replace_ them.  But you can love again, you can move on, you can find someone you love as much.  John lost his son, and our children are not replacements for Joshua, he loves them because they are his children.  He's loved other women before me, but what we have is ours, special in its own way, and I know I don't have to compete."

"Even with Harper?"  Lexi gave her shoulder a gentle rub.  

"No, I don't have to compete for his love even with her.  I know he cares about her and always will, but...what I have with him is different, because I'm different.  I'm not her and I don't need to be like her, John doesn't want it or expect it.  Does that make sense?"  Susan looked over at her friend.  "I can't be what she was to him and I don't want to, because what we have is amazing.  How do you feel about Luka and what you have?"

"I love him, he is a kind and gentle man, stubborn and a little opinionated at times, but still, he is so wonderful with Joe.  He is great with kids in general and he talks about how much fun it is to hang out with you and John and the kids, all the time.  So maybe you're right, I don't need to replace her, we can have a great life, love each other and have a family and be happy."

"Absolutely you can, and I know John loves these visits too.  It is good for them, Luka was so solitary for such a long time, and in some ways John was too.  He told me once he felt a bit trapped between worlds, he doesn't enjoy hanging out with people who are snobby and feel themselves so much better than everyone else because they have money, which is who he went to school with for the most part.  Then there are the in betweens or the ones who don't have much money, and he gets...envy from them, they so often make it about the differences."

"I'm not sure I understand.  He is pretty lucky in a lot of ways."

"Yes, but also unlucky.  That expression 'lonely at the top'?  It's true, money is great to have if you have people to share it with, otherwise its just money.  You saw his blowup at Eleanor at Christmas, that is what his family is like, dropping in and out of his life at their convenience.  I think he has finally found balance, people find out he has money and they fawn all over him, or treat him like some sort of pariah because they don't have money and want it.  it's been like that his whole life, it's not like his family just has a bit of money, it's an obscene amount of money.  Now he has friends that don't care about the money and he has started to care less about it as well, it's just a fact of life and he gets he can live well but still give a lot back."

"You would never know it from just meeting him, when he used to come to Des Moines, it took a while before people really clued in, and then one nosy coworker of ours to research him and then it all broke open.  I understand, you were getting annoyed about the rich boy comments, I guess it must be far worse for him."

"It is, but the people he is around now have all known him for years, or don't get all bent out of shape about it.  Like Todd, they get along incredibly well, and Todd is well off but not rich like John is.  Still he looks beyond it.  Peter and Luka know him from work so the dynamic is different.  Other male friends have moved or unfortunately died, he was super close to a cousin that overdosed, medical school friends that passed away.  Having some money is great, having a lot of money is not always, you can't be sure sometimes who is your friend because of you and who is your friend because they want something."

"He has women friends too, not just the men."

"Some, yes."  Susan gave her a little gentle push.  "Don't remind me.  Though some like Jing-Mei have only ever been a friend, she was a tough little cookie and they were so competitive it is bizarre they are so close.  But I like her, she's become a friend for me too, you can count on her."

Lexi rubbed her back then gave a little gasp.

"Susan?"

"What?  Good kick?"

"No, I have water running down my leg.  Get Luka.  I think it's time!"

* * *

John and Luka were having a great time in the snow with the kids.  Luka had not been this content in a very long time and he suspected that John was about the happiest he had ever seen him.

The move out to the suburbs had surprised Luka, but on the other hand it made sense.  Neither Susan nor John were working full time any longer, and with the kids they wanted more room.  John was comfortable here it seemed, the house was big, but it felt warm and full of love whenever Luka and Lexi visited.  There was always a child underfoot, and Susan was blossoming, looking amazing and happy about the expected arrival of another baby, despite the fact it had been unplanned.

Lexi was looking great too he mused, she was a bit younger than Susan, but not by much and she had wanted a baby.  When they had found out she was pregnant, both of them were excited, Luka loved Joe and longed for more children.  Watching John's family grow so quickly had been difficult, though Luka was happy for his friend, he was also a bit envious some days, wishing he could have another too.

Lexi coming into his life had been a miracle, a woman who wanted the same kinds of things he did, a woman who was not scared to say I love you, a woman who didn't even need to consider her options when she found she was having a baby.  A woman who was talking incessantly with Susan about the wedding plans.  

"I don't know John, Lexi is not Catholic, so she doesn't want to get married in a big church ceremony, and I am okay with that, you know I have struggled with my faith a bit over the years.  We don't want anything too big, something just...small and intimate, like you and Susan had."

John helped Cosmo, Devon and Joe stack the large balls of snow for yet another snowman.

"Are you thinking of going away somewhere?"

"We talked about it but it is too expensive for our friends...aside from you and Susan that is.  I want to invite a few people from County and a few from the Centre, but neither of us have much for family, my brother won't come from Croatia, so...I expect maybe 50 people at the most if the guests all bring a date?"

"Uh huh, well she and Susan have been talking non stop about it, and...I am just going to throw it out there for you.  We have room for that many in the back yard, you could have it catered, the kitchen is well set up for that, we have like 4 wall ovens and a huge gas stovetop plus the butler pantry and that massive subzero.  We are going to get someone in once the snow melts, Susan wants a greenery wonderland back here.  There's a few good hotels really close...if you get married in the late spring or in the summer...it could be really nice."

Luka frowned, which turned into a smile as he looked around, picturing it.

"Would you really do that John?  Let us use the house?"

"Why not?  Lexi is always going on about a big white tent, a flowered archway, and sky blue bridesmaid dresses."  John stood up and watched the boys chase Ava around, the twins crawling through the snow.

"That she is."

"Okay, so picture this.  We can set up the arch, get it covered in vines and flowers, have it about halfway down the lawn and set up the chairs so everyone is looking at you and Lexi with the backdrop of the lake.  We can rent a nice big tent in case of bad weather, but if it's nice out we open the sides.  They can put down a temporary floor over the lawn for dancing and decorate with tons of flowers. Susan wants all these planters with masses of flowers, or so I am told, she can consult Lexi and they can use whatever colours make them happy.  We have the pool house with the full fridge and wet bar, we can do something neat with the pool, we have parking, lots of parking."

Luka was staring at him.

"You should be a wedding planner.  You missed your calling."  Luka gave his head a shake.

"What?  I went to a lot of really swanky weddings Luka, you have no idea how many weddings I have gone to, especially when my grandparents were alive.  I have a ton of cousins, and my sister married this incredibly rich guy in Europe.  You should have seen their wedding.  You are looking at me like I'm from another planet."

"Sorry, just...you continually surprise me John, but I'll see what she thinks.  We do have a budget."

"Of course, and it's fine if you want to do something else.  Run it by her, but...you won't have a rental fee, it will just be the caterer, alcohol, tent, flowers - the ones you bring in, of course whatever is here that Susan wants for the back yard we will pay for and you will want to hire a bartender and a DJ.  Set your budget if it works great, if not, then its fine."

"It actually sounds amazing.  I suspect she would like it, the girls would have a ton of fun with it.  So how did it go with your dad?"

"Oh, same old, you know.  At least he phoned me, he didn't just show up and expect me to invite him in.  I met him for a coffee, I guess Eleanor called him making a big fuss because I kicked her off my property."

John shrugged, the visit had been okay, he didn't want to spend much time with his dad, but the phone call had made him agree to see Jack.  He mused about that day, a couple days after Christmas when his dad had gotten in touch.

_"John, I know we didn't leave things on the best terms, but I really would like to talk to you."_

_His dad's voice had been sad, something John knew a lot about.  He understood that it was difficult to not have family, and for some reason he agreed to see Jack, just for a coffee though, he didn't want to be forced to stay and eat a meal if things didn't go well.  Or walk out in the middle, sometimes being around his family made him lose his appetite._

_"John, I'm glad you came."  Jack rose to meet his son, wanting desperately for the first time in years to hug his son, something he had never done enough of and was now regretting.  John would have been open to it at one point, but now, Jack was not so sure._

_"Jack.  How have you been?"  John sat, ordering a coffee more to be sociable than because he really wanted it._

_"Okay.  You?"  Jack thought John looked the best he'd seen him in a really long time.  Married life with Susan seemed to agree with his son._

_"Good."  John did not elaborate, he wanted to make Jack do the work here._

_"How is Susan?  How are the kids?"_

_"Really good."_

_Jack shook his head.  "Not going to elaborate on that for me?  Can I see pictures?  The twins must be a year old now, it has been a while."_

_John pulled out his wallet.  "Cosmo is 8 now, hard to believe.  Devon is 3, Ava is almost 18 months and the twins turned 1 on December 5th."_

_Jack studied the pictures carefully, noting how much the two little boys resembled John and Bobby.  He also noted the slight regret in John's voice when he said Cosmo was 8, Joshua would have been about 8 now too if he'd lived._

_"They're beautiful.  I heard a_ _rumour that you might be expecting another one?  Quite soon I believe."_

_"Eleanor huh.  Yes Susan is due at the end of the month, another boy or so we are told.  Of course the doctors can be wrong about these things, but...I think it's a boy."_

_"Wow, and you moved to Lake Forest?  That was a surprise, how do you manage with work, all the commuting?"_

_"Not so much commuting, I am not working at County now, I wanted to take a bit of time off to spend with the kids.  We have Devon mostly full time, Harper moved to Houston and is in training for the next shuttle mission."_

_His dad frowned.  "NASA?"_

_"Yes, NASA.  I took Devon a couple months ago.  So I am on the two Boards, and I volunteer at the Centre once in a while but right now my focus is my family."_

_"Hmm.  So you refused to talk to your mother?"_

_"I don't have a mother.  I asked Eleanor to leave my property, she was rude and demanding and...I haven't seen her in almost 10 years Jack.  I have nothing to say to the woman, she was never a mother to me and she is not welcome around my kids."  John sat back slightly, watching his dad's face._

_"Her bubble right?  Well, I can't argue with you John, I know she hasn't been in Chicago for years.  She didn't know a thing about your life and I am not sure why she has popped up again, other than her alimony is running out.  Be aware, she got a lump settlement in lieu of monthly payments and its almost gone."_

_"What about all the Ferguson money?  I thought they were loaded from all her talk back when I was younger."_

_"They mismanaged it during the economic downturn and it was gone.  Unlike a certain young doctor who seems to have a bit of the Midas touch...a jet?"  His dad laughed ruefully.  "I hear things, John, a Gulfstream?  A multi million dollar house in Lake Forest and you have all but retired from being a doctor.  The career you fought so hard for and you've stopped."_

_"Here we go.  Is this where I listen to you criticize my choices and make a big deal out of the fact that I am not working at County?  I'm still a doctor, I just have refocused to other areas. I have access to money and I choose to help people with it."_

_Jack shook his head.  "No way.  You remind me of mother, your grandmother, so much it truly scary.  She would be really proud of you, what you've accomplished, and...John, I am too.  Your lovely wife pointed out several months ago that I was not really seeing you, and I gave that a lot of thought.  Then I did a bit of research, you know I still have access to most of the Foundation dealings and financials.  I was blown away at that investment you made, that took balls.  But it worked and the Foundation is in better shape now than ever, if we keep investing the money properly we can do a lot just using the interest and returns."_

_John was shocked that his dad had finally said something nice to him._

_"Look, I know we have not often seen eye to eye...well maybe never in fact.  The truth is you really have made me proud, John.  You stood up to your grandfather and your grandmother over the years, you became a doctor just like you always said you would.  You took over, though not all that willingly when mother passed away, and up until then you made sacrifices to take care of her in her last years.  That made her happy John, having you in her life, you were the one grandchild that she could not have done without.  She knew, you never wanted the money, you were the one she could trust, and she bestowed the keys to the kingdom on you.  I resented it, I won't deny it, but she made the right choice.  The Carter financials would probably look a lot like the Ferguson's if anyone else had taken over."_

_"So you suddenly approve of my life?  Because I made a good investment?"_

_"No John, because you have principles, because you have proven yourself to be the better man.  I would never have sacrificed my career to be with my family, I was too weak to stand up and make those choices.  I know my father was difficult, but rather than recognize what I was giving up, I chose to toe the line and be the man my father wanted me to be rather than the man I should have been.  You John, you refused to give up what's important, and I cannot help but think you've been rewarded.  Not with money, but with the things I wished I'd had."_

_"What do you wish you'd had?"_

_"Love, John.  Susan loves you and you love her.  I can only imagine...no I know for a fact that you love your children.  You told me to go to hell rather than give up your son.  I wish I had left your mother years ago, not let her drag me away.  My loyalty was in the wrong place, I should have been there for you and I never was and I will always regret it.  I wasn't there when your brother died, I wasn't there for holidays or birthdays.  I let her keep me away when you almost died, I didn't come home to help you when you suffered the consequences.  I could go on, but we both know in all the years I was of no use to you.  I should have been your father and now I am just Jack.  That hurts in a way you cannot believe, John."_

_"In a way I can't believe?  Are you serious?  How is it you think I cannot believe how much that could hurt, I grew up without parents.  You just left me, I was 11 and you left me.  Stuck me in boarding school, showed up once in a while to play happy family, criticized my choices for most of my life and you think I have no idea?  You may have lost a son, but I lost my brother and my parents all at the same time.  Something I won't do to my kids, I need to be there for them for as long as I can, because there are no guarantees and when I die I don't want to have regrets.  As far as Gamma is concerned?  I did that because I wanted to, no other reason.  She was the one person who accepted my choices, the one who was there when I needed her, it might be hard for you to believe but we found some common ground and became a lot closer those last few years"_

_Jack studied his son, really looked at him, and seeing, really seeing who he was._

_"You're right.  I should not have said that, at this point in your life, you have gone through so much more than me, and I feel like you have lived life more fully than I have or ever will.  All I am trying to say John, is that it hurts to know I've truly lost you.  I've taken for granted that you will always be there and now I know you won't be.  I lost Bobby because he died, but I lost you because I neglected our relationship.  I almost lost you forever once John, I...have regrets and maybe there is no way to make it up to you, but...I would like to try."_

John pulled himself back to the present as the shout rang out over the yard.

"Luka!  Get in here!  Lexi's water just broke."

Both men looked at each other, John waved towards the house.

"Go!  I'll bring the kids in, get in there!"

* * *

 The next half hour was a flurry of activity, Luka running out to warm up the car, John getting the kids corralled and into the house, and Susan helping Lexi change and mopping up the floor.  They helped Lexi out to the car.

"You want me to drive Luka?  Then you can take care of her?" John was noting the look on her face, knowing she was going to need her hand held through this.

"Maybe...can you leave Susan with all the kids?"

"Elise and Emily are on their way over, Susan can drive Joe in as soon as they get here or he can stay here. Contractions are every 5 minutes?"

"Yes.  Okay lets go."  Luka nodded and climbed into the back seat with Lexi, John gave Susan a quick kiss and she waved, motioning for them to get going.

 John drove quickly but carefully as Luka coached Lexi, trying to get her to breath among the frustrated words.

"Shut up, Luka, if you tell me to breath one more time I am going to throw you out onto the Expressway."

John smiled, this was Lexi's first, so it was tougher, he remembered how great Susan was when she gave birth to the twins, he hoped she would be as calm this time around.

"County?"

"Yes.  I phoned and McLucas is on her way in to meet us, it might be a while yet."

John dropped them off at the main doors, then went to park, calling Susan to let her know they had made it. 

"Hi honey, we're here, wow Luka has his work cut out for him, Lexi is a touch grouchy."

"Can you blame her?  She has to push a baby out, it hurts.  You cannot imagine how much it hurts.  Elise is here, Emily will be here soon, should I pack up Joe and bring him?"

"Let me check with Luka if he wants us to keep him or if he wants us to give him to Abby?  I am not sure who was supposed to have him tonight."

"Abby.  Do you want to figure it out and let me know, then I will leave here."

* * *

 John went to check on the Maternity Floor, they let him know which room and he knocked before he popped in.

"How's it going?"

"Ouch it hurts!"  Lexi whimpered.  "How did Susan do it with twins?"

"I have no idea, but she had no choice, I don't have anything stronger than tylenol in the house.  You know what helped is this."  John put pressure on her back, Luka nodded, then took over.

"Oh wow, where did you learn that, magical!  It does help!"

"Oh something I picked up over the years.  Try and get up and move around, take a walk down the hall or something, that seemed to help too, lying flat on your back in bed is the worst thing you can do during labour, you know that.  Susan wanted to know, are we keeping Joe at the house or are we giving him to Abby?"

"Abby.  Do you mind going down and letting her know Susan has him?  Is she going to drive in?"

"You bet she is, she wants to see your new daughter as soon as possible.  Wild horses could not keep her away.  You need anything?  If not I'll just go down to the ER and check back on you in a bit."  

"We're good, John, thanks, just dealing with Joe, and maybe seeing if Susan can stop at our place and pick up the bag would be a huge help.  She has a key."

"Right, if she can't I can run over for you Luka, just let me know."

John arrived in the ER to find things quiet.

"Can't keep you away from here."  Frank looked up from admit.  "Miss us that much?"

"Oh absolutely, the smell of antiseptic in the morning, the tar like coffee, the cranky patients and being puked on, what's not to love?  Is Abby around?  I believe she is on shift?"

"In with a patient probably, itching to get out of here, and pissed off the Croatian has not shown up with the little rug rat. Anything else I can help you with Dr. Carter?"

"Uh yeah, that is what I need to talk to her about.  Do you know which room?"

"I have no idea, I don't keep track of every movement of the doctors.  Go look for her."  Frank picked up the ringing phone. "ER." 

John leaned against the admit desk, figuring that she would have to show up here sooner or later and he would just wait.  He said hello to the nurses, chatted with Gates, then finally Abby showed up.

"Carter.  What a surprise.  You haven't seen Luka have you?  He's supposed to be here."

"He is here, just upstairs here.  Lexi went into labour, I drove them in, and Susan has Joe.  I just have to call her and she can bring him in, an hour good?  We can bring him to your place if you are done work."

"No, I have another hour, I just hate it when Luka is late.  So they're having the baby?"

"Uh huh.  Not long I'm sure.  I'll call Susan, I think she was ready to leave anytime, we just weren't sure who was supposed to have Joe."

"He's at your house?"  Abby crossed her arms looking annoyed.  "He was supposed to be with his dad."

"He was with his dad, they were out for a visit, he was playing with Cosmo, Devon and Ava.  You'll get him okay?"

* * *

 Susan picked up the phone, noting it was from County.  As soon as John told her Abby was wanting Joe, she grabbed her purse and strapped the boy into the carseat.

"Okay Joe, let's go see your mommy."  She slid behind the wheel, squirming to get comfortable, the baby felt like he was riding pretty low these days.  She got on the main road quickly, heading into Chicago, the snow falling lightly.  She flicked on the radio, letting the peppy music liven her up a bit, humming along, checking her mirror to see that Joe had fallen asleep.  They had been pretty busy out in the back yard, though they didn't quite get to finish the last snowman.

She thought about the plans she and Lexi had been working on for the wedding, though the date had yet to bet set. Lexi wasn't sure if she should do spring or summer, indoor or outdoor, small...or smaller.  She loved how intimate Susan's wedding had been, but they decided to not go away, they had a few people they really wanted to invite that could never afford a trip.

John on the other hand had chosen to go away to avoid the expectations of the extravaganza, being a Carter in Chicago, especially now with the Centre, it was just easier to tell people they'd married in Maui on the spur of the moment.  Susan had no complaints, the trip and the wedding had been wonderful, romantic.  The small group on the beach, the soft crash of waves, the warm breeze, she would love to go back there someday.

She squirmed again, glad she was almost there.  She made a quick stop at the apartment, grabbing Lexi's hospital bag, then was back in the car, finally reaching County.    She rubbed her back, willing the soreness away, she had been sitting too much today.  She knew it had been over an hour since she left home, so the first stop was in the ER to drop off Joe. She tapped on the glass, the triage nurse recognizing her, buzzing her through with a wave.

"Hey Frank, is John or Abby around?"

"What is it with you doctors?  Expect me to know where everyone is all the time?  Try the lounge."

Susan looks Joe's hand and lifted the bag, stepping toward the lounge just as John came out.

"There you are, I was trying your phone."

"It's in my purse, sorry.  Is Abby here?"

"Yes, in the lounge."  He gave her one of his looks that said 'watch out'.  She was sure Abby was on the warpath about something.  He turned to open the lounge door, to call Abby when he heard his name.

She felt the first twinge, the gush as the fluid ran down her leg, timed with a massive contraction.  

"John!"  Susan groaned as he turned towards her.

"Susan?"  He was staring at her as she stood there in the puddle that was spreading out on the floor, suddenly registering what was happening.  "Oh holy crap, Susan.  Frank can you take Joe in the lounge?"

John covered the few steps between them in record time, taking the bag out of her hands and putting it on the desk.  

"Haleh!"

The nurse had taken in what was happening, and was beside them quickly, helping him support Susan as she walked gingerly into Exam 1, assisting her up on the gurney.  She grabbed a gown, shutting the blinds and the door.

"Let's get this wet stuff off.  When is she due Carter?"

"In about 3 weeks.  I guess he couldn't wait that long."  This was too weird, Lexi being upstairs in labour, then Susan having her water break.

"Ow, ow, John."  Susan squeezed his hand as another contraction hit her, and he checked his watch.  

"Did you have a contraction when your water broke?"  

Susan nodded, biting her lip as another wave of pain hit her.

"Another one?  Lie back, let's take a look...oh look at that, a head.  You're crowning."

"No no no, too early."

"It's okay Susan, you are only a couple weeks early, deep breaths, he'll be fine.  Haleh can you get us a baby warmer and..."

"Already on the way Carter.  You think this is my first rodeo?"  Haleh gave his arm a reassuring squeeze as he snapped on gloves.

"I feel like I need to push."  Susan was trying to breath deeply.

"I bet, he came down fast.  Next contraction you can push, I'm ready to catch him." He started to count down as Abby opened the door.

"Where's his...what is going on?  Did everyone decide to have their baby on the same day?"  She stopped short realizing it was Susan on the gurney.  "Are you serious?  You guys do everything together, now you have to have babies together?"

Abby was standing with the door to the hallway open.

"Stop, breath, good. He's turning, you can push again next contraction."  John threw her a look over his shoulder.  "Could you shut the door?  And you don't argue with mother nature, when the baby decided to come, you can't just push it back in, how long have you been a doctor?"

Haleh let out a snort.  "And an OB nurse before that, you'd think she'd know the drill by now."

Susan groaned as she bore down for the last time.

"Would you look at that, a perfect little baby boy."  Haleh admired him as John held him up for Susan, hearing the first whimper as their son started to cry.

John cleaned him quickly, letting Susan take him for a moment as he clamped the cord and did the cut.

"Hi there, he's beautiful."  Susan felt like she was going to cry, holding her newborn son in her arms.

"Let's clean him up for you and do a quick checkup."  John carefully took his son over to the warmer, borrowing Haleh's stethoscope to listen to the heart and lungs, checking the Apgar.

"He's great, Susan, perfect."  John let Haleh take over, moving back to finish up with Susan.  "Wow, that was quick, did you know you were in labour?"

"No, I felt uncomfortable on the drive in, but I had no idea until my water broke.  That was so fast."

"Uh huh, don't tell Lexi, she'll be a bit upset, she was swearing at Luka.  Let's get you and our son up to OB, they can check you over, get you properly cleaned up and settled in a room.  You don't want to stay down here I'm sure."  John snapped off his gloves taking their son from Haleh who had him swaddled now, John tucked him into Susan's waiting arms.

As they came out of the exam room, Frank frowned.  "What was that, express service?  I called house keeping....you're welcome! Don't forget your bag."

"Oh Lexi's bag.  Um, I don't have our bag, I don't have an outfit for him."

"That's okay, I'll get him one before we need to take him home. And grab the carseat from home too, we'll worry about it later, or get Elise to bring you some stuff.  Oh, I better phone home, they will be really excited."

"He's really okay?"

"He's fine, you know you were about 35 weeks or more, he had no problem breathing right away, it's all great.  He's perfect."  John leaned down and gave her a kiss.

* * *

 John got Susan settled in her room and stepped out as they cleaned her up, he went down to the labour and delivery suites to drop off the bag.

"How are things going?"

Luka shrugged.  "Moving along, she's at 8, probably within the next hour.  Susan get here with Joe okay?"

"Yes, he's with Abby."

"Can Susan come in?  Where is she, she said she would be here for the birth, and I was going to try to be there for her too."

"Um, she's a bit busy actually, maybe you two can be roommates after your daughter decides to make an entrance."

Luka and Lexi looked at him.  "What?"

"She just gave birth to our son in the ER, barely made it in the door and her water broke.  Precipitous labour, they are both doing fine, but they are getting her cleaned up and settled in a room.  7 lbs, 10 ounces, nice and healthy."

"Are you kidding?  She went into labour after me, and she is already in a room with the baby?  How is that fair?"

"Third pregnancy Lexi, the twins came relatively fast too, but this little guy just could not wait to make his big entrance.  I got to deliver him with a little help from Haleh.  Sorry, she might not make it here for the big event and you missed ours."

"Congratulations, John, that is pretty exciting.  So if Lexi manages to give birth before midnight, our kids our going to have the same birthday."

"Thanks Luka.  Don't know how we managed to time that so perfectly, but yes."

"Okay, let's get this show on the road."  Lexi struggled off the bed.  "We need to walk, hurry up little girl.  Can you take me over to see Susan?"

* * *

John went back to Susan's room, not wanting to be away too long.  She was now feeding their son, cuddling him against her.

"Someone to see you."  

Susan looked up as Lexi ambled in, supported by Luka.

"You have a lot of explaining to do Susan Lewis, how could you have your son without me?"

"I didn't have much of a choice, he would have dropped out on the floor if I had been on my feet a moment longer.  My water broke and then I was crowning.  No wonder it felt like he was between my knees all day, he practically was. I'm surprised they let you in here."

"I went AWOL from my suite, I'll go back in a minute.  Oh, he is so sweet, did you name him yet?"

"Not yet, we didn't get our short list done.  Sorry honey, I am going to miss it, how is it going?"

Lexi took some deep breaths as a contraction hit.

"Painful, but I decided against the epidural, it will happen faster and lots of women manage to give birth without one.  I want to be able to get up and walk around, encourage this little girl."

"Hey, I managed twins and this little guy without anything though I guess this time I barely even knew it was happening until he was almost halfway out.  You can do it, get Luka to press on your back."

"John showed us, wow, that really works and Luka agrees, no one in Africa gets the amount of drugs women do in the US and they have babies all the time, often without even going to the hospital.  We'd better get back before they sent out the search party.  Congratulations."

* * *

 John helped them back to the room, then came back to sit with Susan.

"Wow, he is so tiny."  Susan held his little hand in hers.  "He's done eating, do you want him for a bit?"

"Yes, I was just waiting until you were done."  John carefully took the baby who had closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.  He sat on the edge of her bed, cuddling his son against his chest.  "You did great Susan, he's really sweet."

He gently ran a fingertip over the babies sleeping face, then took the tiny fingers, examining them.

"What's his name is the question now, we didn't make the final decision.  I thought about what you said, in some ways I would have like to use your brothers name.  But maybe you're right, and of course Luka has a 'Joe' already.  Robert Joseph, kind of cute, but you don't seem wild about it."

"I loved my brother Susan, but I don't want our son to be Bobby or Robby or Rob, and no we are not naming him Joseph.  That was Luka's dad's name, or a variation of it anyway."

"We could name him John Truman IV."  Susan gave him a wink.

"No...you know how I feel about that, and Devon's middle name is John, so that is out in any case."

"Right, Harper beat me to it.  Funny someone told me that Carson was a cute name, can you imagine Carson Carter...that would be just weird, though Carson is cute.  I think they were thinking with Lewis as a last name...but still, no."

"We could really torture the kid and call him Carson Truman Carter, how about that for a moniker?"

"Evan?"

"Evan and Devon?  That rhymes.  No."  John sighed.  "Nikolas?"

"Aiden."

"Aiden Nikolas?"

"Aiden Nikolas Carter.  Cute."

* * *

 Luka and Lexi welcomed their daughter Anya Viktoria Kovac not long before midnight.  John had been checking in with them, and carried the news back to Susan, who was then able to get a bit of sleep.  She had been fighting slumber until she knew everything was okay.

"She's perfect, beautiful, just like her mommy."  John smoothed back Susan's hair, kissing her forehead.  "Before midnight too, our kids are going to have to share their big day."

"You think Lexi is beautiful?"  Susan frowned at him.

"Oh please, she's certainly not...unattractive.  I didn't mean it like that Susan, you know I only have eyes for one woman."

"Uh huh, nice line.  But I'll take it."  She stretched up to kiss him.  "I need some sleep, you should get some too."

"I will when I can, you rest."  

John walked down to the vending machine for a drink, he had been careful this time, he had gone out and made sure he bought dinner, and had brought back a meal for Luka as well.  He sat down, sipping his juice slowly, looking over as someone sat beside him.

"Quite some day."  Luka had a cup of coffee.  "Thanks for bringing me dinner earlier, I needed it, didn't eat since breakfast."

"No problem, I had to get something for myself too, if Susan is out of this place in the morning I will be going to get her some food as well.  We were supposed to go to Northwestern."

"I know.  So, now our kids have the same birthday, how weird is that."

"Considering we used to barely tolerate each other?  A little ironic, but I am sure they will be good friends.  Susan and Lexi will have fun with it, kind of nice that our kids get along."

"Abby is not thrilled about it, she came by to bitch at me earlier.  Like we planned our kids be bon on the same day?  She hated that Joe was playing with your son."

"Oh.  I wonder why?  They're kids, we're friends, I'm not going to corrupt the kid or anything."  John shrugged and put the bottle on the table.  "She tell you why she was upset?"

"She's upset about everything lately, John.  If I am not early to drop of Joe, she considers me to be late.  She hates that he spends so much time with Lexi, she hates that he calls you two Uncle John and Aunt Susan and spends time at your house.  She's really mad that she got passed over for a job at the Centre.  Did you know she applied for Attending and they didn't even interview her?  She was livid, said you must have vetoed her application."

"I did veto her application, but in consultation with Delia, our brilliant head of HR.  Truth is, we had far better candidates, it wasn't personal, it was business.  You got a job because Delia liked your experience, same with Lexi, she fit what we needed.  Sure, I gave you both good references, but...Abby has been Attending for only a couple years, you two have been Attending for over twice as long.  You were an Attending while I was still a Resident and Abby was a nurse.  Same with the other hires, more experience, we felt they were a better fit."

"So nothing to do with your history or her history with me?" 

"Truthfully?  It crossed my mind, but in the sense that hiring Abby would be showing favouritism, she was simply not as qualified as the people that were hired.  We also have to look at who will work well with the team, and you were a better fit there as well.  Abby is a good doctor, I always thought she would be, but...I don't want her working at the Carter Centre.  Maybe that is the bug she has up her ass, that she didn't get hired?"  John looked over at Luka who was nodding.

"It could very well be the truth.  It bothers her John, you and me being friends, the fact Lexi is a good friend of Susan's, that you and I are both happy and she is not.  Remember what I said about her acting like a school girl?  She's still doing it, John."  Luka sighed heavily.  "She liked it when she had us against each other, both of us thinking she was the one, and now she has no one who is vying for her attention, she'd like to stir it up again.  I mean, she called your house in the middle of the night when you were in bed with your wife wanting you to run after her.  What does that say?  She does it to me sometimes too, lately she has been flirting in front of Lexi."

"So it is for the best she doesn't work with either of us.  I hope she finds happiness, Luka, but it won't be with either of us.  I love Susan and my family way too much, she's passionate, loving, I can talk to her and she tells me what she wants, what she's feeling.  You, my friend, are the happiest I have ever seen you in the entire time I've known you.  I have a feeling that Lexi is for you what Susan is for me.  I cannot wait to see you two get married."

"Me either.  I have to confess, I have been jealous of you at times, most especially since you got together with Susan.  You seem so content, like you are where you've always wanted to be.  That is how I felt with Danijela, and it is how I feel when I'm with Lexi.  Our beautiful daughter just makes it complete."

"I think we both had our moments Luka, bygones.  I'm happy you found it again, the love, the family.  It makes everything worthwhile."

 


	52. Chapter 52

The limo pulled into the parking lot of Cosmo's school, the driver hopping out quickly while John freed Devon from his seat.  

"How long will you be Dr. Carter?"  

"Not sure Damien, if you can find a spot to park for a few minutes I will text you when I'm done?  Grab a coffee or something, I expect an hour or so."

John shivered slightly as the cold wind swept over him, he tucked Devon's hat down further, quickly walking towards the front doors.  It was a bit of a trip every day into the city, but Susan wanted Cosmo to stay at the same school for now with his current friends.  John was on his way from the airport after a trip to Houston with Devon, Susan out in Lake Forest taking care of their new baby, so he agreed to stop before he came home.

He pushed open the door, giving his feet a slight stomp to remove the snow before checking in at the office.

"John Carter?  You have Cosmo Martin here?"  

The secretary nodded and pointed over at where Cosmo was sitting, kicking idly at the chair leg, holding a bag of ice up to his eye.  John could see Mason slumped in a chair at the opposite end of the row, his arms crossed angrily, his dad sitting beside him.

"I'll let the principal know you are here.  Is his mother coming as well?"

"She'll try, but the roads aren't great, I can deal with things until she gets here."  He knelt in front of Cosmo, setting Devon on the chair beside him.  "Can I take a look at that eye?"

Cosmo shrugged, but removed the ice pack and let John gently examine his face.

"Ouch."  Cosmo whimpered.

"Yeah, I bet ouch.  I'll take you over to get an X-ray on that bad boy after we are done here, I don't think it's broken, but we should double check.  What happened?"  John was watching Mason out of the corner of his eye, the boy turned angry eyes towards them, then caught John looking at him and turned away quickly.  John checked Cosmo's neck and head quickly, checking for bumps, finding nothing of concern.

Cosmo shrugged again, resuming his kicking of the chair leg.  John stilled his leg with a gentle grip on his ankle.  

"Cosmo."  John said quietly.  "Hey, look at me."

He could feel the stare of the other dad as he tried to talk to his stepson, all he got was a tearful glance, and he knew Cosmo was trying hard not to cry.  John sighed, maybe best to leave him for a few minutes, there would be plenty of time to talk later.  He didn't want the boy to be embarrassed in front of Mason, it would only make things worse.

The principal Mrs. Barnes came out of her office.

"Dr. Carter.  Mr. Gillespie.  Let's take this into my office.  Mason and Cosmo?"  Both boys looked up and the principal pointed to her door, they got to their feet and meekly followed her in.  John motioned for Mason's dad to proceed him, before taking Devon's hand.  He did not want the guy behind him, he looked murderous at the moment and as hard as John tried, he still hated people being able to approach his back without warning.

"Please sit down."  The principal sat behind her desk and sighed as everyone took seats.  "So, these two young men were fighting as you can see.  We all know that it is against school policy to allow fisticuffs, and we have to get to the bottom of the matter and decide on appropriate action.  Mason?  Would you care to tell me why you and Cosmo were fighting?"

"He's a big fat liar."  Mason spat out. 

"Mason!  It is unacceptable to call your classmates...or anyone...names.  I would like you to talk respectfully and tell me why you two boys were fighting."

"But he is a liar."  The boy whimpered.

"I am not!  I didn't lie!"  Cosmo yelled at Mason.

"Cosmo, calm down."  John shook his head at the young boy.  "No yelling.  Can you just calmly tell us what caused this fight?"

"Christina and Jilly asked me about my sweatshirt and Mason heard me and called me a liar.  I'm not a liar John, I'm not."

"Okay, buddy, relax.  What happened next?"

"Mason pushed me, and I fell over a desk, and I got mad, so I pushed him back, and then he hit me, so I hit him back, and...then he punched me in the eye.  It really hurts."

"Yeah, you deserved it, trying to get all the girls to believe you.  You are such a liar Cosmo."

Mr. Gillespie held out a hand to Mason.  "Okay son, calm down.  Exactly what was this big lie?"

"He said...that he got to sit in the cockpit of a plane during takeoff and landing.  Then he said he went and talked to fighter jet pilots, that his dad took him to Germany and he sat in a fighter jet. He's a liar.  He's just mad because I didn't invite him to my party before Christmas and everyone else go to go.  He also was telling them that he might get to go visit NASA, and talk to some Astronauts.  See daddy?  He's a liar!"

Mr. Gillespie snorted.  "Well _doctor_ , seems your son likes to tell tall tales.  Sat in a fighter jet in Germany?  Meeting Astronauts at NASA?"

John looked out of the corner of his eye at Cosmo, then reached over to ruffle the boys hair.  He didn't really want to get into this but it seemed he was going to need to defend his stepson.

"John's not my dad, he's my stepdad, he married my mom."  Cosmo whispered.  "I'm _not_ a liar."

Mrs Barnes sighed deeply.  "Cosmo, it does seem unlikely, we have rules about both fighting and lying.  Dr. Carter?  There have to be consequences for both lying and fighting, and Mr. Gillespie, I am going to have to deal with the fighting issue with Mason."

Mason looked smug and Cosmo looked up at John with sad eyes.  "I'm _not_ a liar. John.  I was just telling them about Harper."

Devon looked up at the mention of his mom's name.  "Mommy go up, up in the sky."  He held up the small rocket he had been clutching in his hand, making noises as he pretended it was blasting off.  

"Sh, Dev.  I know, Cosmo, and we will straighten this out."  John said quietly.  "I don't disagree that there should be some repercussions for fighting. " He gave a meaningful look at Mr. Gillespie.

"We don't like liars in our house, Dr. Carter."

"We don't allow lying at _our_ house _either_ , Mr. Gillespie."  John said firmly.  "Cosmo wasn't lying, I have a friend who was in the Air Force and she arranged a tour of Hahn in Germany.  She now works for NASA in Houston and we are supposed to go down to see her at Johnson Space Centre.  She visited at Christmas and gave him the sweatshirt."

Mr. Gillespie frowned and narrowed his eyes at John.

"You have a _friend_ who works for NASA."

"Yes, we worked together years ago as Medical Students.  She lives in Houston now."  He turned to the principal.  "As much as I feel Cosmo came out the worse of the two in this...altercation, he should not have been fighting.  Cosmo?"

"I won't do it again, he just made me mad, because I didn't lie."  Cosmo mumbled.

"So, what do you suggest we do about the fighting?"  John rubbed the back of the boys neck, knowing Cosmo was going to catch it from Susan when he got home. She hated fighting.  John was not a fan either, self defence on the street was one thing, but in a classroom it was not appropriate.

The principal sighed, seeing the mutinous look on Mason's face, knowing she had to punish both boys equally.  Fighting was fighting after all.

"School policy is suspension.  Both boys will banned from school for a period of one week.  After that I think they should have detention every day at lunch hour and after school until the end of February."

 Mr. Gillespie shook his head.  "No way, my boy is not missing any school."

"Not my choice Mr. Gillespie, we have zero tolerance for fighting.  Dr. Carter?"

John looked down at Cosmo, then back to the principal.  "I feel it is a bit harsh, a full week suspension and then another...almost three weeks of detention?  I tend to disagree, Cosmo has not been in trouble before for anything, and I would be very surprised if it happened again.  I think removing children from the classroom for this type of incident is wrong, you are putting them behind in their schoolwork.  Not to mention that is a lot of detention time for a relatively minor incident."

"I am happy to have the teacher send some work home with the boys that they can do at home."

Mr. Gillespie sighed.  "Look, my wife and I both work full time, now we have to figure out what to do with Mason all day for a week?  Then pick him up late from school for another three weeks?"

"I understand this may create an inconvenience but it is necessary to let the children know it won't be tolerated.  The boys should clean out their desks after school, collect any personal items and they should leave the premises, I expect you to supervise them.  Class will be finished for the day in 10 minutes, we will finish up here and wait for the other students to leave, then you may proceed to the classroom and get their things.  They can come back to classes in a week.  It will take just a couple minutes for the letters to be typed up."

She stood and exited the office, leaving the four of them.  John could see Mason flexing his hand then grimacing.

"You should go get that looked at, might be dislocated or broken."  He looked at Cosmo.  "Better phone your mom, let her know we are done here."  

John dialled his phone quickly.

"Hello?  John?"

"Hey, yeah it's me.  We are almost done, so just stay home, I don't want you driving in on these roads.  Cosmo is fine."

"What happened?"

"We'll talk about it when I get home, I just wanted to make sure you hadn't left.  I need to stop on the way back though, so we'll be a couple hours."

"What's wrong?"  Susan looked out over the falling snow, holding their new son in her arms, feeling the gentle pull as he ate.

"Don't worry, everything is okay, I have to go, but stay home?"

"I won't go anywhere John.  I love you."

"Love you too."  He clicked off the phone.

Mr. Gillespie was watching Mason rub his hand.  "Hope you can still play hockey,  we'll put some ice on it when we get home."

"Can I take a look?"  John was watching the boy, if he had punched Cosmo and given him that much of a black eye, he could easily have broken something.  To him it looked swollen and a bit bruised.

Mr. Gillespie frowned.  "I think he's fine.  What kind of doctor are you anyway?"

"Emergency Medicine.  I worked in the County ER for years, I've seen a lot of just about everything.  I suspect he has a fracture or dislocation, look at the swelling."

Mr. Gillespie nodded.  "Okay, fine. Mason, let the doctor look at it."

John set Devon on the chair and moved around in front of Mason, observing for a second before carefully checking the boys hand.  He could see the wince as he ran his hand over, locating the tender spot.

"Hurts doesn't it?  Fracture of the 4th metacarpal is what it feels like, but it should be x-rayed."

"What does that mean?  Will he be able to play hockey?"

"No, it will need to be realigned or set, then they will generally splint it to keep it in place.  Healing is about 12 weeks, he won't want to play, too great a chance to injure the hand further.  Hmm, might even have something going on here with the 5th metacarpal.  You did a good job on it."  John stepped out and asked the secretary for some ice and a tensor for the boys hand, returning quickly.  "Let's immobilize this until you can get him into the ER."

John did a makeshift splint, then laid the ice across the boys hand.  

The principal returned, looking on curiously.

"We could have called the school nurse, she checked the boys earlier and everything seemed fine."

John shook his head.  "Mason has a fracture of the 4th metacarpal and possibly the 5th as well, very common when you punch something, he should have gone right to the ER.  Are we finished here?"

"Yes, classes are over, the boys can get their things."

"Let's go."  

"Thank you."  Mr. Gillespie motioned towards Mason.  "For looking at his hand."

"No problem, just get him in right away so it can be set or he could have permanent damage, and absolutely no sports until its healed."

"Can you do that?"

"Not here and not without seeing an X-ray."

They followed the principal to the classroom, Cosmo started to clean out his desk.

"Just take your personal stuff, no textbooks or anything that belongs to the school."  John advised Cosmo.  He was not thrilled on how this whole thing was being handled and he was going to have a discussion with Susan about it later.

He pulled out his phone and texted Damien, taking the heavy school bag from Cosmo and holding Devon's hand as they approached the front.

"Zip up, it's cold outside."  He helped Devon with his coat, mitts and hat, noting that Mason and his dad were waiting in the hallway.

"Dad, do we have to?  It really hurts and it's cold."

"Yes Mason, don't argue, it's only a few blocks to the train.  You have to get it checked out and I don't have the car."

John looked at Cosmo and Devon watching for the car to arrive.

"Where are you going?"  He looked over at the other man.

"County?  It's the closest ER and we've been there before."

"Well, we are going there too, I want to get Cosmo checked before we go home.  We can give you a ride there if you like, rather than taking the train.  You risk more injury to his hand, and it's getting really cold out."

"Really?  That would be great."  Mr. Gillespie looked relieved.  "Call me Simon."

"John.  All right, the car is here, lets go."

John stepped out, Damien already at the back door of the limo.  Simon stopped short with his mouth slightly agape and gave John a look, but followed him, Devon and Cosmo into the car.

"County General Damien, sorry, it will be a few minutes there too.  Fasten your seatbelt Cosmo, and you mister, into your seat."  John fastened the straps back over Devon.

"Not a problem Dr. Carter, I don't mind a little over time."  The driver said easily.  "You know I have three kids at home."

"I know, how is Dani?"  John sat back as the car merged out into traffic.

"Great, Dr. Carter, the love of my life."

John smiled at that, Damien had been driving his family for years, he always requested him whenever he needed a car.

"Do you usually drive around town in a limo?"  Simon was inspecting the inside of the car.

"No, but I just got back from Houston, I usually take a car to the airport, it's easier than a taxi or parking in the lots.  I was heading home and Susan...Cosmo's mom...called and said Cosmo was in a bit of trouble at school.  So I stopped to pick him up on the way home."

Devon smiled.  "Mommy lives in Houston, right daddy?  She's a spaceman."

"That's right Dev.  You were visiting mommy."  

 Damien stopped in front of the ER doors at County.  John unbuckled Devon and they went in, John going right up to the glass and giving a light tap.

"Oh hey Dr. Carter. Wasn't expecting to see you."  Sam smiled, hitting the door switch.

"Hi Sam, how are you?  They're with us."  John pointed at Simon and Mason as he walked in.  "Jerry, what's open?"

"Exam 2...wow that's a nice shiner there Cosmo."  He gave a grin at John.  "Dr. Lewis seen that yet?" 

"No, she's at home.  Thanks Jerry, we'll take it."  He motioned for Mason and his dad to follow, getting Cosmo settled as Haleh peeked in.

"Need a hand in here Carter?  Cosmo, wow, you've gotten big even since Christmas time.  Don't tell me you were fighting?  Your mom is not going to be pleased with you."

"Can you start a chart on Mason and Cosmo?  Mason needs an x-ray of that hand.  Did I see Rachel hanging about?"

"You sure did, she just finished up a patient, do you want her?"

"Uh huh, she can do the history on Mason, she can follow him, I'll supervise since I already looked at his hand.  Cosmo needs a scan of the eye, rule out an orbital fracture, I'll stay with him ."  John picked up the otoscope and checked his ears and eyes carefully, rechecked his head and neck then snagged Haleh's stethoscope off her neck, listening to his chest and heart.  "Thanks Haleh."

"Hi Dr. Carter."  Rachel appeared behind him.  "You needed a history?  Hi Cosmo, Devon, wow he's grown."

"Mason Gillespie."  John gave her a smile and pointed to the boy on the bed.  "This is Dr. Greene, one of County's finest residents and she will get your paperwork going while I take Cosmo upstairs.  I'll be back to check on you in a few minutes.  Rach, Haleh ordered x-rays for the hand, 4th and 5th metacarpal."

He put Cosmo in a wheelchair, taking him up for the x-ray, keeping Devon with him.

"Wow, fast service for an ER."  Simon was frowning at Rachel.

"Well we do our best, but Dr. Carter worked here a long time, he already did half our job for us so it's easy to just put you in line for an x-ray.  I just need to make sure Mason doesn't have any allergies or other issues and then we can give you something for that hand, I am sure it is a bit tender."

* * *

 An hour later they were ready to leave, they had ruled out a fracture for Cosmo and John had watched while Rachel set and splinted Mason's hand, signing off the chart so she could discharge them.

"Thank you Dr. Carter. It was nice of you to help us out like that...I think Mason has something he'd like to say to Cosmo."

Simon steered the boy forward so he was standing in front of Cosmo.

"Sorry."  The boy shuffled his feet, staring at the ground.

"Mason, I expect better manners than that."  Simon admonished him.

The boy looked over at his dad, then he lifted his head.  

"Sorry for calling you a liar and sorry for hitting you."  

John gave Cosmo a little pat on the back, with a slight motion of his head.

"Sorry for hitting you back."

Simon nodded.

"Shake hands boys, and I don't want to ever hear about you fighting again.  Thanks again doc, we will probably see you around."

Simon offered his hand which John shook and then they parted ways, getting back into the limo.

"Home to Lake Forest Damien."

Cosmo sighed.  "So unfair, I'm going to miss the field trip next week, all because of Mason."

"Well, not all because of Mason.  You know better than to fight, Cosmo, and there are going to be repercussions, you know your mom is going to be upset with you."

"You said you didn't agree though, and I didn't lie, he started it."

"I know, and I don't agree with the principal on how harsh the punishment is, removing you two from the classroom is not the right answer in my opinion.  Perhaps your mom will disagree with me, but I will talk to her about it.  In any case, it's not our decision, the school has rules and the principal has suspended you."

"Why were you so nice to them?  He's a bully and you gave them a ride in our car, and you helped fix his hand."

"It was the right thing to do, I'm a doctor, Cosmo, it's what I do.  I know it doesn't make much sense to you, but...I guess I believe in Karma and treating people how you would want to be treated.  Let's put it this way, do you want people to think you are mean, or a bully?"

"No, of course not."

"Do you think Mason is mean and a bully?"

"Yes.  You know he is, he didn't invite me to his party just because he wanted to be mean.  The girls talk to me and he likes Jilly."

"Oh dear, fighting over girls already."  John had to laugh inwardly, it was a bit ironic lecturing Cosmo when he and Luka used to get at each other because of Abby.  "Something I've learned, you don't always know why people are they way they are...and being nice to people...sometimes it can be the thing that turns their life around.  Mason's dad would have had to take him several blocks to the L in the cold, get him to the ER and probably wait for a long time to be seen, when I'd already diagnosed the problem.  Just think, Mason will remember how nice we were to him, and next time he sees you, he might be nicer to you."

Cosmo thought about that for a moment.

"So be nice to the bully and they might be your friend?"  He gave John a confused look.

"Perhaps, though not always, but...it's hard to explain, kind of like two wrongs don't make a right.  Um, you know how you saw about all the gang shootings on the news the other day and you were asking why?  Why did you hit Mason."

"He hit me first."

"Exactly.  Revenge, violence only leads to more violence.  When I was Chief Resident years ago, we had a very violent gang war erupt here in Chicago, and we had a lot of gunshot wounds come through.  This one particular family will always stick out in my mind.  They were in their house and a rival gang drove by and started shooting, the mom pulled down a bookcase to protect them, but it fell on her daughter.  The little girl lived, but she was paralyzed."

"That's sad."

"Very.  She had two brothers, the older one Curtis, he was really angry, and he went out with the other members of his gang to get revenge.  He was about 16 years old. So they went out and shot these other boys, about the same age, it ended up in a shoot out with 3 or 4 of them dead.  Curtis died in that shootout and the rival gang went out to get revenge and killed more kids.  The little brother joined the gang to avenge his brother and ended coming into the ER about 3 times before his luck ran out, he died at 12 years old from multiple gun shot wounds."

Cosmo was silent, he did not know what to say.

"My point is, a lot of kids died Cosmo, all in the name of revenge, and eye for an eye, they started it and I am going to finish it.  The mother had a family, a healthy daughter and two sons, at the end of maybe 3 or 4 days, she had a paralyzed 8 year old and both of her sons were dead because of senseless violence.  This may seem like an extreme example, but Mason may have things going on in his life you don't understand and revenge is not always so sweet.  Sometimes the right thing to do is walk away.  Certainly in a school classroom, the right thing would have been to ask your teacher for assistance and maybe you would not have a black eye and he would not have broken his hand."

* * *

 Susan was playing on the floor with the three youngest when she heard the front door.   Devon charged in moments later, freed from his heavy winter outerwear.

John came around the corner next,  he stepped over and gave her a hand up, followed by a long kiss.  

"I missed you.  And you." He picked up Ava, tickling her.  "And you and you too.  Where's Aiden?"

Susan pointed to the bassinet in the corner then gave Devon a hug.

"Sleeping, sorry, he just ate, but we can have dinner and he will be up again I'm sure.

John gave each of the kids a bit of attention as Cosmo came in, trying to hide his face from Susan.

"What in the world happened to your eye!"  Susan immediately went over to her son.  "Have you been fighting?"

Cosmo nodded sadly, not looking at her.  "Sorry mommy.  I got...suspended from school."

"Suspended?"  She looked over a John who had wandered into the kitchen and back, now munching on an apple.  "He got suspended?  For fighting?"

"Yes he did.  He and Mason had an altercation, Cosmo got a black eye and Mason broke his hand.  Both boys are suspended for a week and then have detention lunch hours and after school until the end of February."

"Why were you fighting?"  She turned her attention back to Cosmo.

"Mason called me a liar, and pushed me, I pushed him back and he punched me in the eye."  

She started to check it carefully.

"Ouch, John already did that mom, he made me get an x-ray."

"Oh, right. That's why you took so long?  You took him to the ER?"

"Yes, no fracture, it's just a bruise.  Why don't we have dinner and then you and I can talk?  Cosmo and I had a bit of a discussion about not fighting, though I am sure you will have a few words for him as well."

"You bet I will.  Suspended for a whole week?  Then detention too.  Must have been quite the path of destruction."

"We'll talk.  Boys go wash your hands for dinner please."

* * *

 Susan flicked off the bathroom light, returning to the bedroom, John was tucking Aiden into his bassinet.  

"Asleep again?"  She peered down on the tiny baby with a little smile.  "He is such a little angel...are you sure you don't want another one?"

"Sorry, that ship has sailed."  John flipped back the covers.  "I've been tested twice now, there is no way we are having any more babies.  Six kids is quite enough, surprise you would even suggest it after I had to haul home your little brawler there."

Susan rolled her eyes at John.

"I don't get it, he is such a good kid, I thought I taught him better than that.  Chuck is going to flip out when he hears this one."

"He is a good kid, he lost his temper, Mason is often mean to him at school, he was called a liar and he defended himself.  I can't say if I was in his shoes I would not have done the exact same thing."

"You did not say that to him!"

"Of course not, I told him it was very wrong to fight and he should have gone to his teacher, not fight with Mason."

"Good.  So was that it, he shoved the kid and got a black eye and he is suspended and has that much detention?  Isn't that...extreme John?"

"I think we all agree it is too much punishment for the crime, yes.  I agree he needs repercussions for fighting but three weeks of detention is pushing the limits.  I think the principal just wants slave labour or something.  I have heard that this school goes overboard sometimes, and I know we live in a big city and all, but they're 8.  Can I say something?"

"Like I could stop you?"  Susan joked then became more serious.  "Go ahead."

"I know he's not my son Susan, but, this whole thing with the school back in Chicago is not working.  With the detention thing?  That means he is going to be coming home at rush hour every day which means an extra long drive.  I think we should take this time to move him to a school here in Lake Forest, or just home school him until the end of the year.  This is ridiculous, 15 days of detention, two hours a day?  On top of missing a week of school?"

"I wanted to leave him there with his friends, and if we pull him out what does that teach him?"

"Susan, he is not a bad kid, this is the first time he's been in trouble and honestly?  I think we can come up with our own repercussions, something that might actually teach him something.  Detention there, you know it is sitting silently in a classroom doing nothing?  Two hours of nothingness, its just stupid."

"So what do you suggest?"

"Maybe have him do some kind of meaningful project, something to teach him something.  Do you want really want to put up with the extreme punishment she is dishing out to him?  Repercussions for your actions is fine, but punishment for the sake of punishment is not.  It's not like he is going to fight again, he's not a mean kid, he is generally really kind, I have never seen him misbehave.  Nothing more than a bit of light backtalk anyway.  So you want to put him through a month of detention and suspension for this?  Have him sit around in a classroom after school so we have to drive in rush hour to get home afterwards?"

"Well, it does seem like a punishment to us too when you put it that way.  So what, we just pull him out?"

"Sure.  You can call and ask them to get his records together and I'll go pick them up next week when I go in for the Board meeting."

"What do we say to Cosmo?"

"We just explain that we think it's time he make the move to school here, tell him that he still is going to have repercussions for the fighting but we will deal with it.   Maybe we can all sit down and talk about it some more, have him volunteer in some way for underprivileged kids or something like that.  If we can't get him into the school we want, or if you want to check things out more before we decide, we can finish up his year with online schooling, between us we have three degrees, I think we can manage the curriculum for an 8 year old.  We can put him in a couple of activities in the area with boys his age, he'll make some friends.  Not like he is going to see a lot of the kids over the summer from the school he is at now, if he has ones he is super close with then he can have them out to play or go to a movie or whatever."

"Chuck might not agree."

"Chuck can...never mind.  Susan, how much time is Chuck spending with his son?"

"One weekend a month if we are lucky."

"Right.  So I think this is your decision...our decision, Cosmo lives with us all the time.  Chuck often doesn't pay you the child support, and honestly?  You have enough money of your own to lay down the law to him.  Negotiate, tell him that you want sole custody and you will waive off any future support payments, you make the decisions but you will make Cosmo available on a reasonable schedule if he wants to see his son.  I don't want to deny them the relationship, but we are the ones who have to manage the situation, Chuck isn't going to come running to Chicago to drive his son back and forth."

"I suppose that's true, he will probably jump at the chance to get out of paying support, not that he pays regularly anyway."

"And we haven't pushed the issue either because we don't truly need the money."

"You're supporting Cosmo more than he is, John, that's not really right.  I feel like a freeloader sometimes."

"Susan, we've talked about this, you're my wife, we share.  I never wanted to be married to a woman I was worried about sharing with, one that I thought was only here for the money, and we both know you are not here for that.  We can give all the kids a good life, we are fortunate we don't have to worry about money and I don't mind, if I did I would say so.  Cosmo is your son, he belongs with you, Susan.  Not with Chuck.  The guy drives me insane, he makes no effort with your child."

"I know John.  Okay, fine, we'll pull Cosmo out of that school, and start looking at where we want to place him.  You're right, I don't need to take money from Chuck and if he will sign over full custody then I waive any further support from him.  That means I have to foot the bill for all of Cosmo's schooling though."

"Which is hardly a problem.  You have a huge investment account, this house is paid for in full and the other kids all have access to the fund Gamma left.  You could send him to any school in the country Susan and not even blink at the tuition.  MIT, Harvard, Yale, or any other place, we can afford to send him."

"We."  Susan shook her head, then snuggled up to him.  "I know your serious, that is the scary part.  You would pay for any of the kids to go to whatever school they want, and you are looking at that private school down the road for Devon, right?"

"Yes, for all of our kids actually.  I have tried to stay out of it, you never wanted me involved before, but...Cosmo could go there too, Susan, we could put him in there in the fall, though all the schools here are pretty good.  If we still have Devon full time by then, hard to say.  But that is a whole other discussion, one I have to have with Harper.  So, withdraw him from school?"

"Yes, withdraw him from that school and start looking at our options closer to home.  I was putting it off, Christmas and having Aiden, but, yes, let;s make some decisions."


	53. Am I Wrong?

_“John, it’s Jack...dad, please call me back._ _”_

Susan watched as he clicked his phone shut and dropped it onto the table, looking bothered.

"Hey."  She walked up behind him, sliding her arms around his waist, leaning into his back.  "What's wrong?"

"Oh, just my dad again.  I don’t know Susan, am I stupid to consider giving him another chance?  After that last visit, he has been quite persistent, he says he wants to try and fix things, but...I just don't know if I can let him in.  Even five years ago I would have been all for it but now?  I am not sure what he really wants."  John rubbed her arm, entwining his fingers with hers.

"I don't know John, it's your call.  I am on board with whatever you would like to do.  But...”  She stopped then took a deep breath, forging ahead.  “Would it hurt to maybe let him come over and see the kids?  See how he does, have him stay for dinner?  If he misbehaves in any way at all, we simply won't invite him ever again."  

“He has _misbehaved_ so many times, I am not sure he deserves another chance.  It has been the same pattern, the same cycle for years, I am not sure he is capable of changing and I honestly don’t know if I am capable of forgiving his past behaviour.  Funny how I spent so much of my younger years trying to hard to get him to accept me as I am, and now...it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.”

“Is that giving up on him, or is it simply accepting who you are and not worrying about what your family thinks?”

“I think I have always accepted _who_ I am Susan, at least as far as what I wanted to do with my life, I guess I just had unrealistic expectations of my parents, that they should want to be around.”

“Nothing unrealistic about wanting your parents to be there, John, especially when you were 11.  From what you said though, he has recognized that he wasn’t there when you needed him, and I know you don’t _need_ him per se, but...on the other hand you kind of do need him.”

“Oh?  How so?”

“He’s your dad, as much as I hate to admit it, I wanted my parents approval for a long time too.  Then I realized I was never going to get it no matter what, Chloe was their favourite child, she screws up and all is forgiven.  I work my butt off and become a doctor and all I hear is how I should be able to pick up after Chloe whenever she screws up.  No recognition for anything I have done with my life.”

“So you get it, right?  I always knew you understood to a certain extent, I saw what you went through trying to adopt Susie.”

“I do, but...if my dad tried to repair things?  I think I would let him in, let him try.  Jack has been reaching out to you, he want to try and maybe you should let him.  Part of living life with no regrets, if something happened to Jack tomorrow, would it bother you that you had not at least tried to mend the rift?  Given that he is your dad and he is expressing an interest in being part of your life.  I think the fact that you are even asking the question?  You want to let him try, because you are not quite ready to give up if there is hope.”

John loosened her grip enough to turn facing her, looking her with a faint smile on his face.

"The voice of reason.  How did I get so lucky to have a smart and gorgeous wife like you?  Funny, I am paying that therapist like $200 hour but you give better advice."

"I'll send you my bill."  Susan reached up and ran her fingers across his face.  "Seriously though, the therapy stuff isn't really about advice as it is about getting out all the things you don't want to tell me."

She put a finger over his lips before he could speak.

"No, you don't have to say a word.  I know the basics, but the details, I am not sure I can deal with them, and you _need_ to deal with them.  It's okay John, I don't have to know every single thing, but I still appreciate the trust you've shown in me.  Is it helping?"

"Yes it is.  I’ve talked a lot about my childhood, and maybe that’s why I feel like I am ready to deal with Jack.  To be honest, it’s helped me see things I did’t want to see, I do have a few good memories of him before Bobby died.“

“Good memories.  That’s a start, what do you remember?”

“Just silly little things really.  Like at Christmas when I read the kids ‘The Night Before Christmas’.  You know the one...Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...”

“Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse?  I think everyone reads that. So what about it?”

“I remember him reading it to me and Bobby, sometimes Barbie was there too.  How we used to go out and cut down the Christmas tree on my grandparents land?  Though that became Grandfather, Chase and I after Bobby died.  Things like that, he paid more attention to us back then, but then Bobby died and everything changed.”

“I think you two have been at odds for a long time, but you have always been closer to him than to Eleanor, right?"

"Yes, he was always the one to call, he was the one who paid more attention to us as kids.  He has not been the warmest over the years, and you know the problem I have with the criticism and we don't really see eye to eye very often.  I guess that last visit we had it out a bit, and I got to say a few things I have wanted to say for a while.  Kind of like with Eleanor, I finally just told her my issues, though not in as much detail, simply because she never really listens."

"Your dad does though John.  It's not easy, I don't talk to my parents at all anymore, not since the whole Susie fiasco, they got mad at me because she ran off again.  The police went there looking for her, or so I found out afterwards.  Like it was my fault she robbed us."

"I know honey.  Sorry."  John sighed.  “Why do families have to be so impossible.”

“I am sure some people have normal families, I’d like to think what we are creating with our kids will become a strong and united family, that they will always turn to us when they need us.  I get this is difficult, but it seems that Jack is making a real effort John, maybe he’s seen the light?  Maybe you owe it to yourself to see if there is anything that can be salvaged.”

“So give Jack one last chance?  Is that what you are telling me? "

“I suppose I am saying that, from what you told me about your last conversation he recognizes he has made grave errors in judgement, that he made huge mistakes, but he does seem to be trying.  Eleanor?  She still acts like you owe her something, but Jack, I think he really just wants his son back.”

John thought about her words, and wondered if they really could get past it and maybe have some sort of civil relationship.  Even if he didn’t do it for himself, maybe he should for his own children.  Give them a chance to know their grandfather, after all, grandparents were in short supply in their household.

"All right, I will give him a call and let him come see the kids, he keeps asking about Aiden, wants to see his new grandson.  He can come for dinner as long as he stays in line."

* * *

Jack drove up to the house, admiring the clean lines, the welcoming facade of the house, even with the light snow that still covered the ground.  The lights were on, casting a cosy glow from the windows as the light faded from the sky.

He stopped to get the packages from the trunk of the car, hoping John would allow him to present the gifts to the children.  He didn’t want his son to feel like he was trying to buy his way back in...but then again John’s children certainly did not want for anything.  He gave his head a shake, his son by all accounts that he’d heard had racked up well over a billion dollars in net worth, and he had taken the Foundation and Carter Centre back into the black despite cost overruns on the Center and the uncertain markets in 2008.

The jet had been a shocker, so not like his son to want luxury items, but something had changed.  He still seemed very down to earth and giving but there was as slight difference in his demeanour and Jack was not sure to what to attribute the change.  Or to whom?  No, he just could not see Susan demanding the luxuries, perhaps if John had married within their social circle, his wife would be wanting the latest and greatest of everything, but Susan just did not seem the type.

“Here goes nothing.”  He mumbled under his breath as he reached out to ring the bell.  It was not long before the door opened and he was face to face with his son.  “John, nice to see you.”

“Come in.”  John stepped back letting his dad inside the house, eyeing the packages.  “Went a little crazy at the store?”  

“Sorry, I just...didn’t get to give the kids anything at Christmas, and I really hope it’s okay?  I don’t want to overstep, but...please?  It’s just a couple of small things for each child.”

John didn’t have the heart to say no, his dad looked so hopeful, so sincere in the request.

“Okay.”  John assented as he heard little feet pounding down the stairs behind him.

“Daddy.  Who’s at the door?”  Devon came speeding up, stopping short as he spotted Jack, his eyes widening at the parcels and bags.  He didn’t recognize the older man standing just inside, of course he had barely seen him over the past year.

Jack knew he needed to step up and make it clear to John that he considered Devon his grandchild as much as the others.

“Hi Devon.  Do you remember me?  I’m grandpa Jack.”

Devon shook his head, hiding behind John, acting a little shy.  

“Dev, can you say hi to grandpa?”  John took the bags so Jack could remove his overcoat and wet shoes.  

“Hi grandpa.”  Devon stepped out, Jack held out his arms, and the boy let Jack give him a quick hug.  

Jack knew that John was watching him closely, that this was probably his very last chance to repair things, and he needed to be careful what he said to John.  Still, he was here, he had been allowed in the door and it was a start.  A heck of a lot farther than Eleanor had managed, she had been livid that John had told her to leave without her even setting a toe in the house.

Not his problem though, Jack was not going to defend the woman, by her own admission she had not been in Chicago in years, she had lost touch with her son.  She knew he was married now, and that he had a child on the way, simply because she had met Susan while John was out of town.  He had reluctantly told her the names of the children, she had been astounded that between he and his wife that they had 5 kids plus one on the way.  He was sure she still did not know he had been married previously or that he had lost a child, which had been devastating.

Jack felt like that had been about the only time he had been of any use to his son in the past many years, they had something in common, losing a son, then having the child’s mother withdraw from their life together.  Not something that Jack liked having in common, but that was life.

John helped take the bags in, Jack was surreptitiously checking out his surroundings as Susan came to greet him.  He had to hand it to his son, she was a lovely woman, and not just physically.  She exuded warmth and kindness, she was holding a small baby draped over her shoulder, rubbing his back as she greeted him.

“Susan, so lovely to see you again, this must be Aiden.”

“Yes, he just ate, maybe give him a few minutes before you get to involved, he tends to drool a bit right after he eats.”  Susan took in Jacks expensive suit jacket, wondering what he was thinking wearing something like that to visit his son and his six relatively young children.  How he was going to get out of there without John needing to pick up a dry cleaning bill was beyond Susan.

John rounded up all the kids, bringing them in to the family room.  Jack noted how much they had all grown, he’d missed so much of their lives already, but he resolved that he would be there more in the future.  He handed out the gifts to each child, John noted that he remembered the names and didn’t forget to include Cosmo or Devon in the gift giving.  

He noted the gifts were all appropriate and made sure all the kids said thank you to their grandfather.

Jack had decided he was going to jump in and get involved with the kids, and he spent the hour before dinner playing with them.  John lifted a brow at Susan, she could see that he was a bit taken aback, especially when Jack shrugged out of his suit jacket and took off his tie.  This was out of character for him, he would never do that in any other house, except his own.  

Jack held out his arms to take Aiden from Susan, they carefully transferred the baby to his grandfather.

“He’s cute, I think this one might look a bit like his mom, though he is definitely a Carter.”  

Jack rocked the baby, remembering when his own boys were this small, and how they had grown up so fast...or John had at least.  It always made him sad when he thought of Bobby and how his life ended too soon.  How hard it was to watch the young boy suffer through chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant.  How hard it had been to watch John go through it as well, 10 years old and he had faced the painful procedure with no complaint.  

* * *

Dinner went smoothly, or as smoothly as it could with the troop of kids.  Aiden had been put down for a nap, the others were accustomed to the family dinners so there were few problems.  Jack surprise John again by helping Devon with cutting up his chicken while Susan and John were helping Ava and the twins.  Jack watched a bit enviously at how the household ran, the kids all seemed to adore both Susan and John and seemed happy.

Jack didn’t remember many happy family dinners like this in his house. Eleanor spent a lot of time coaching the boys on manners, worrying about them sitting up straight or not spilling.  John and Susan in contrast were easy going, though of course the kids aside from Devon and Cosmo were too young to be enforcing much of anything.  Still they were as well behaved as a child could be at that age.

Perhaps the difference was when Bobby and John and Barbie were little, they were handed off to the nanny for meals, only welcome at the table with the adults one they could sit and act like miniature adults.  Jack wished he could go back and have dinners like this, noisy, but wonderful in some way he could not put words to.

After dinner they took the kids down to the playroom and let them run off the last of their energy.

“Bathtime!”  John looked at his fancy watch, which Jack noted had buzzed at least once, followed by John disappearing for a couple minutes.  

Susan was friendly and open answering questions about the house and the kids.

“You can make yourself comfortable for a few minutes Jack?  It will take a bit to get everyone into bed, can I get you a drink?”  Susan picked up Maya as John scooped up Ben for the trip upstairs.

“If it’s okay, I would like to help.  You know, maybe read stories or something.  Help with the baths?”

“Um, sure, if you’d like.”  John was nonplussed at the offer, but the look from Susan told him he’d better accept.  To be fair, Jack had been involved since he arrived and it seemed like he really did want to help.

Jack took Ava, and they went upstairs.  Cosmo of course was old enough to get himself ready for bed, John took the twins and Susan took Ava, Devon going with his grandfather.

“So towels and everything are in the bathroom, just a tiny bit of bubble bath if he wants it, the toys are in the basket.  Do you want me to fill the tub?”  John could not help but be a bit worried, he didn’t have memories of his dad ever giving him a bath.

“I can manage, I know, make sure the water is not too hot, or too deep and I won’t leave him alone.  I am sure I can find him pyjamas in the dresser.  It will be fine John, believe it or not, I have given a child a bath before.”

“All right.  Just...”  John stopped, not quite wanting to say ‘when did you ever give a child a bath?’

“John, please, trust me, it’s just a bath.”  

John reluctantly went to get Ben and Maya ready for bed, peaking into to Devon’s room once they were bathed and in pjs.  Jack was sitting on the bed with Devon, reading him a story.

“Ben and Maya wanted to say goodnight before I tucked them in.”  John sent the two toddlers over, Jack giving each child a hug and a kiss before John took them to read stories with Susan. John gave them both warm goodnights before he left Susan to finish tucking them in, going in to read to Ava and tuck her in.  

Jack sat and read a story for Devon, slightly impressed that the boy was able to point out words and helped him ‘read’ the book.  He was a bit disappointed when John and Susan came in to tuck the boy into bed, sending him down the hall to say good night to Cosmo.

John heard Aiden squawk from where he was laying in the playpen, he picked the baby up.

“Hungry I bet.  Oh and needs a change.”  

Jack watched as his son efficiently changed the baby, then tucked him in the crook of his arm.

“Susan will be a couple minutes, she is reading with Cosmo, we can take Aiden down.  She does up a bottle so I can feed him once a day.”  John went into the gourmet kitchen, opening the huge fridge, grabbing the prepared bottle and dropping it into the warmer.  

“You two seem to have it down to a science, the whole bedtime routine.  I thought you had a nanny too?”

“We do have a nanny, Elise, and Emily comes in several times a week to help out with the housework and stuff, but Elise needed a few days off.   We do most of the bedtime stuff ourselves anyway, we enjoy the time with the kids.”

“You have a really nice family John.  I enjoyed spending time with them tonight.  Devon was cute, he must have memorized all the books, he was pointing out words.”

“Um, the one you were reading is brand new, but I have been working with him, he is...bright.”

“Oh?  You mean he actually was reading the book?”

“That is exactly what I mean.  He is quick, it will be interesting because he does math already too, he reads and the questions he asks are a little beyond the normal ‘why is the sky blue’.  It is tough to keep him challenged.

“Baby genius is he?”

“Perhaps, I don’t want to put a label on him, but he is incredibly bright, it will be interesting when he starts school.”

John led his dad into the living room, making himself comfortable as he coaxed Aiden to take the bottle.  His dad was checking out the shelf where John had neatly organized the collection of records his grandparents had left.  Some of them were autographed, which blew John away, knowing that in some cases his grandparents had actually gotten them autographed, especially his Gamma.

“You still have these?  Wow, mother loved her collection.”

“I love her collection.  I would never get rid of it, I still listen to them, and in my opinion they sound the best in the original recorded form.”

Jack turned in surprise, thinking that he and his son had another thing in common, a love for old jazz music.  He had known the collection existed and had mourned the loss of it when John had donated the house, but he had been too angry at the time to even ask if he could have it.  He was relieved to find it here in John’s home.  

“You do?  You have a turntable?”  Jack was scanning the shelves, John stood and slid back a panel which revealed the sound system with a nice turntable.

“There you go.  Pick something if you like.  You sound so surprised that I like this music.”

“Hm, ah, this one.  I love Ella and Louis together.  I bet you didn’t know that.”

“No I did not know that.  I love that one too, they did some great duets.  After Gamma died I had the whole collection packed up and stored.  I kept things that were special, I have her two Jaguars, the model T Ford, and the old Bentley still too, along with the Porsche and the Maserati.  I have tons of photo albums, quite a bit of their art.  In the office I have most of the photos, you know the ones with Gamma and Grandfather meeting different people.  I went through the house pretty carefully, Jack, I didn’t just get rid of stuff, I kept the most relevant stuff, like Gamma’s desk?  It’s in my office through there.”  John pointed.

“I’m glad John, I really am, those are family memories and hopefully they will be kept in the family.  You kept a lot of the cars?  How?  Where are they?”

“Part of the deal with Northwestern is I still have a certain amount of access to the house, and one of the garages, the one with the lifts?  I didn’t have any place to store the vehicles, so I kept them there.  Once the snow goes I will bring them over, I am putting some lifts in the garage for storage, I didn’t want to chance damaging them with the bad roads, but I may just have them loaded on a truck and brought over.”

Jack put on the record, leaving it low enough that they could still talk.  He was enjoying this time with his son, they had avoided everything controversial, and he loved that they were chatting so easily, getting to some issues in a non confrontational way.

“Help yourself to a drink if you like, I know you like your after dinner bourbon.  I have some good stuff in the liquor cabinet.”

“Can I pour you something?  Join me in a bourbon?”  Jack offered as he checked over the selection.  John was correct, he had some fine bottles of liquor, quality, brands that Jack loved.

“I don’t drink.”

“Mm, is that part of the recovery?  No drinking?”  Jack was genuinely curious and kept his voice tempered and even.

“Well, it used to be, but now I am recovered, so...now it is just that I don’t drink.  I might very occasionally have a beer and I had a bit of wine at dinner, but that is my limit.”

“Oh.  You have a nicely stocked bar for someone who doesn’t drink.”

“For entertaining we do keep the cabinet, Susan might have something now and again if we have friends over.”

“And its not a problem for you?”

“I’m not an alcoholic Jack, I used prescription pharmaceuticals for a few months, since then I haven’t had a problem, drinking was never one of my issues.  Neither is drugs, I worked in the ER after I got back from Atlanta, I can write prescriptions, had access to anything and everything, but I haven’t touched any of it.”

“Right.  I knew that, I guess I just still worry about you.  You seem different lately, more comfortable with...the finer things in life?  Is that because of Susan?  Because she wanted it?  She just doesn’t seem the type.”

John frowned.  “I am not sure where you are going with this.  Why so interested all of the sudden?”

“It’s not sudden John, and...sorry, I don’t mean to grill you, or start a fight.  I really have enjoyed tonight.  To be honest?  I am curious, I feel like I hardly know you, and this is my very awkward attempt to find out a little bit about what makes you tick.  You went to being so against the whole lifestyle to this very nice house in the suburbs, nice cars that are not Jeeps, a private jet...but your wife doesn’t seem to be demanding the changes from you.  It’s a bit puzzling.”

“Ah, curiosity is it.  Well, no Susan doesn’t _demand_ anything, you’re right, she’s not that type of woman.  We have a very nice partnership so to speak, we discuss decisions, we treat each other with respect and we support each other.  Neither of us _demand_ things from the other.  She’s not materialistic, though she likes quality things I don’t have to hide the credit card or anything like that.  I trust her.”

“Partnership?  Like a business arrangement?”  His dad frowned.

“Not that kind of partnership, I love her, I love being married to her, we have a really good marriage, I just meant that we...have known each other a long time, we have a basis of friendship and respect and we work together.  We don’t go to sleep angry, we communicate about everything.  Kind of like marrying your best friend in a way, except I love her too.  Does that make sense?”

“Yes, it does.  Okay, married life is good, not a surprise, I can see it, the way you are with her, you seem to fit perfectly.  The house?”

“Well, we didn’t expect to end up with six kids, the plan was Cosmo plus one.  Which ended up to be Cosmo plus five, and we needed a bigger house, we wanted a bigger yard and to achieve what we wanted we had to move out of the city.  Kind of coincided with Harper announcing she had the job in Houston and wanted me to take Devon full time.  Cosmo is here more than we expected as well, his dad has not been taking him as much as we’d hoped - I don’t understand it myself, why he can’t make the effort to take his child regularly.  We love having Cosmo here, so we have that benefit but at some point Chuck might regret it.  Anyway,  we rented out the other house, at some point maybe we’ll move back, for now though we love it out here. The kids love it too, the back yard, the pool, and the woods.  There are good schools nearby, lots of activities for the kids not too far away.”

“I can see that, you loved it when you were kid, having all the room to run, we used to have send out search parties almost for you, Bobby and Chase, and then later of course it was just you and Chase we had to worry about.  It still surprises me about the jet and work.”

“Well that’s simple to answer, do the economics on travelling with six kids and a nanny.  I was going to Germany more often, before Harper moved to Houston, and in any case Susan and I plan to do a bit more traveling.  Having the jet is actually cheaper per trip, and think about taking that many young kids into first class, through security, all that stuff?  The jet just makes sense.  The less commercial travelling I do the better, the jet is at Executive.  I have been taking Devon to Houston quite a bit, save us a lot of time with tarmac service, really the trip takes half the time as it would in first class.”

“Though for the short trips you need a pilot and a copilot, so can’t be that cheap.”

“No, but I just need the copilot.  Jimmy Keagan has been flying with me.”

“Jimmy?  Wow, haven’t heard that name for a while.  You are flying it?  You got a pilots licence?  When?”

“Not too long ago, Jimmy is great because he helped me get my final hours in, but of course I will always need a copilot in that plane.  I flew to Germany and back when I went over the get Devon.”

“I heard you invested in a brand new Gulfstream.”

“Yes, we wanted the flight range, seating and sleeping capacity of the slightly larger version, so we ended up with a 650ER, they had one on the production line that someone had cancelled out on, so they gave me a bit of a deal and we got it a lot sooner than we expected.”

“Work?  I thought we would never drag you out of that ER, but you seem to be spending a lot of time with the Carter Center and I have heard about a bunch of new initiatives you have coming up.  I also heard Susan quit her job.”

"Work, well, we both worked hard for a lot of years and some...health considerations made me decide to change my focus.  Susan decided that with our family being so young she would prefer to be home as well, we want to spend time with the kids, and do some travelling, she hasn’t been too many places.   We don’t need to work for money, we volunteer, and spend a lot of time developing programs and allocating resources to good causes.”

Jack zeroed in on the phrase health considerations which was buried in the middle of the statement.

“There is something going on with you health wise, I knew it.”

John shrugged.  “Yes there is, but I am sure you have things going on health wise you don’t share with me either.   You wanted me to tell you and when I didn’t you started to let your imagination run away with you.  I don’t have anything infectious so relax.”

Jack decided perhaps it was time to share more with John, if he wanted to know what was going on with his son, he was going to have to divulge more about his life, not that there was much to tell.

“Fair enough.  I guess I thought you didn’t really want to know that kind of stuff.”

“I’m a doctor, like you could tell me anything the would surprise me in the least.”

“Again, fair point.  I’m not ‘healthy as a horse’, but there is not much wrong with me that eating a bit better could not cure.  You know father died of an MI, he was close to 80 years old, and he was healthy before then.  Mother, well you know more about her than I ever did as far as health.  I promise though, if something changes I’ll let you know, I go see my doctor regularly.  Is it serious, with you?”

“Yes and no.  Right now my health is good, but there is a lot you may or may not know, I don’t know how much you asked when I was stabbed.”

“Well, not sure what you mean by that, other than being worried to hear that you had been attacked at work.   By the time someone tracked us down you were out of surgery and they said you had woken up .  I know you were in the hospital for a while recovering before you went to your grandparents.”

“A while, yeah, you could call two months a while.”  John tried not to sound annoyed.  “So you didn’t know too much then.  Well, the surgeons did their best but I lost function of a kidney, due to where he hit, though I am grateful he missed paralyzing me, though not by much.  Anyway towards the end of my time in Africa I contracted a virus, which reduced the function of my remaining kidney, I came home because I got sick.  The water is the culprit, we were really careful about not drinking water unless it was bottled, but...somehow we got untreated water for a couple days.”

“So you have reduced kidney function?  How serious is that?”

“Pretty damn serious at the time, I ended up on dialysis and my kidney finally gave out. I was on the UNOS list, and I was lucky because they found me a kidney and I had a transplant.  Otherwise it would have been long term dialysis.”

“A kidney transplant?  You were that sick and you didn’t call me?”  Jack could not help but think...long term dialysis or his son would have died.  He would have gotten a call out of the blue saying his son was gone and he would not have had the chance to make amends or even say goodbye.  He could read between the lines, John had been incredibly ill and no one in the family had known.

“We weren’t exactly on great terms Jack.  You made it pretty clear how you felt when I went back to Paris, your disapproval of everything I had done with my life?  You didn’t come when I was stabbed, why would you come back to the States for me for anything else.  My life is mine to deal with right?”

“That’s what you think?  That you would be that sick and I would not come?”  Jack sat down heavily in one of the chairs.  “I really have messed things up with you, haven’t I?  The second time you are seriously injured or ill, and you didn’t feel like I would care?  I would have come.”

“I don’t know Jack.   _Would_ you have gotten on a plane and hung around Chicago for months for me?  Would I have had to listen to I told you so, telling me again what a big mistake Africa was?  I wasn’t in the frame of mind to deal with it, I was sick, I didn’t want to spend that time fighting with you or arguing or dealing with the disapproving silence, or whatever it is we do when we are together.”

“I’m sorry.  That I wasn’t there, that you ever felt that I would not _want_ to be there.  I wish you had called me, and I hope that if ever something happens that you will call me.  For any of your family, I would be there.  I have made such huge mistakes and it has cost me in many ways.”  Jack sighed and ran his hand through his hair.  “Watching your child die a long and painful death is incredibly difficult.  I know I don’t really need to explain this to you, you saw what was happening to Bobby and of course being a doctor...I’m not even going to bother trying to sugar coat it.  When you were stabbed, I was selfish.  I admit it, I couldn’t come and see you because I couldn’t watch another child suffer.  Entirely the wrong choice, that was for me, not for you, and it should have been about you.”

John was silent, he didn’t quite know what to say to this admission.

“I’ve missed so much.  The birth of your children, seeing you get married, birthdays, Christmases, and I know its my own fault I was not invited.  Our interactions in the past few years have been reduced to getting together when there is bad news, or someone dies.  It is my dearest wish that we can change it, if you are willing to try I intend to be around Chicago more.  Or maybe you can come up and use that fancy New York apartment once in a while and bring Susan and the kids with you.  So straight up, are you better?”  Jack was feeling vulnerable after his speech, he wanted to give John the space of not having to answer about their relationship quite yet.

John’s mind was turning over the offer, but he wanted to take a few minutes to process, so he decided to answer the easier question.

“Yes...and no.  I see my doctor all the time, but I take medication, I will have to for the rest of my life to avoid rejection.  The medication are a variety of immunosuppressants along with a couple to help counteract the effects of the other medications.  The reason I stopped working in the ER is the higher chance of contracting anything infectious that come through.  Even the flu is problematic for me, my immune system will never run at full strength, though I am on the lowest possible dosage of everything I need to take.”

 

“Wow, I never really thought about it like that.  So...you’re okay otherwise?”

“I’m healthy if that is what you mean, but I have changed a lot of things, not because its convenient, but because making the changes present less risk.  The change in lifestyle is simply refusing to expose myself to unnecessary risk.  I’ve refocused to areas where I can still use my knowledge and training.  Susan has opted to do the same thing, so we can travel and do things as a family, reduce stress, spend more time together.  The jet is also an attempt to avoid the floating cesspool of viral plague that is a commercial jet, reduce time sitting in an airport where the kids are exposed to more viruses.  Over and above the obvious time and convenience issues of course.  It helps keep me healthier.”

Jack absorbed all of this, realizing that the reasons for all the changes were not even close to what he had imagined.

“It explains a lot, I was wondering at the changes.  How do people manage?  Other people with transplants?  Not everyone can buy their own plane.”

“Yeah, I’m a bit spoiled that way, but a lot of them don’t travel as much or with so many kids.  The truth is they modify their lifestyles to fit, or you don’t do well.  For some people that means changing their job, like I did.  I was lucky because I can take my skills to other areas easily, but some people have to retrain.  You need to be conscious of what you eat, when to eat, and keep track of your medication because it’s not just once a day.  I have mine split into three right now and you have to take them the same time every day to make it more effective.”

“Your watch?  It has alarms on it.”

“Yes it does, it keeps me on track otherwise it would be impossible.  The way I have come to look at it is medical technology has saved my life, more than once and someone was good enough to donate.  I kind of owe it to them to do my best to stay healthy, not to mention I have a family.  It’s no different than say someone with diabetes or heart issues, they have to watch what they eat, take medications and monitor themselves closely.”

“Sounds like over half the people I know, all of them complaining about how many medications they have to take.  I might have to find out where you got that watch, some of them could use one.”

“I’ll write it down for you after I’m done with Aiden.  Unless you’d like to feed him for a while, he is almost done this bottle but he seems hungry tonight.”

“Could I?  I would love to.”

* * *

 

John walked Jack to the door at the end of the evening, Susan had said her goodnight and gone up to get ready for bed.  She wisely was trying to leave the two men to interact and it seemed to be going well.

“Thank you for coming.” This was feeling a bit awkward, but John was impressed at how Jack had been over the course of the visit and was open to doing it again.

“Thank you for letting me John.  I meant it, you know, everything I said, and I understand that we can’t fix things overnight but I am still hoping we can at least communicate with each other.  I would love to see the kids again before I go back to New York next week and it would be great if you could all come up to New York for a visit.”

“I’d like that.  This was...a good visit, and I think we need to take it one step at a time, but it would be good for the kids especially if you want to be around more.  Susan and I will talk about New York.”

“Good, good, I hope you come up.”  Jack put on his coat and then impulsively hugged John.  

Not one of the hugs of the past, where it was barely a second, he held on for a few moments, not quite wanting to let go.  It took John by surprise, his dad had rarely hugged him like this in all the years he could remember.  Certainly not since he was a young boy.

“No matter what, I am proud of everything you have done, and I love you.”  Jack pulled away quickly and turned, out the door before John could even form a thought or respond to the rush of words.  

He stood in a slightly stunned silence as the door closed behind his dad, trying to remember if he had ever heard his dad say those three words.

* * *

 

 Susan was sitting up in bed reading a new novel when John finally came upstairs, looking thoughtful and maybe a bit stunned.

“Jack went home?”  Susan laid her book across her stomach, trying to get a read on John.

“Uh huh.” John wandered into the bathroom, taking his time brushing his teeth and washing before coming back out.

Susan was wondering about how quiet he was, musing over how the evening went.  She had tried to give the two men some space, knowing neither were going to get to the issues if she hovered.  She had taken time with Cosmo, then read for a while before going downstairs to make sure everyone was still alive.  She had been pleasantly surprised that Jack was feeding Aiden and the men were talking about relatively trivial things, there did not seem to be the usual tension in the air.

Maybe it was the music?  Whatever had happened while she was upstairs was good in her books.  She had said good night and brought Aiden upstairs, finally tucking him in to the bassinet in their room.  The tiny boy was barely three weeks old and she liked to have him near by.

She watched as John went into the walk in closet to drop his dirty clothes in the hamper, coming out ready for bed.  He plumped up his pillow and slid into bed, picking up a journal he had been reading earlier.

“So...I didn’t hear any yelling so I assume it went okay?”  Susan knew at this point she was going to have to pry the information out of him before he got immersed in an article.

“Yes, it was...unexpected.  He wants to come by and see the kids again before he goes back to New York, and he hopes we will come up and visit him there.  All of us.”

“He said he wants you to visit?  Well that’s good right?”  This was going to be a challenge, she could tell.  His mind was obviously elsewhere.

“Sure.  Would you want to?  I mean we have the apartment there, it’s not huge but it is big enough for all of us for a few days.”

“It would be fun, I haven’t been to New York in ages.  Last time you went up by yourself, I haven’t seen the apartment there.”

“Right, sorry, I think you would enjoy it.”

“So that’s it?  Come on, there is something whirring around in your head, I can smell it.”

John laughed at her comment, Susan knew how to lighten things up.

“Sorry, I’m distracted aren’t I?”

“Just a little bit, yeah.”  Susan put her book on the bedside table and turned off her light, sliding over and taking the journal out of his hands.  She leaned across, dropping it on his table, and turning out the lamp on his side.  She snuggled up against him.  “Talk to me.”

John slid down in the bed a bit, wrapping his arms around her, dropping a kiss on her hair.

“Scary, you know me too well.  He seems different, the way he jumped in and helped with the kids?  It was weird, like the aliens replaced him or something.  I never remember him giving us baths as kids, the nanny did that.”

“Ah, that is why you looked so worried and made sure he had the child that was old enough to talk and pull the plug.”  

“Pretty much.  He looked so damn happy at dinner, he didn’t mind bath time and he played with the kids.  So out of character.  Then he said how much he enjoyed it, and then he asked a bunch of questions.  But not the way he usually does.”

“How does he usually ask questions?  I don’t understand.”

“With that tone of judgement, but this time he said he was just curious, it seemed like he actually wanted to hear the real answer, not the politically correct one.”

“What did he want to know?”

“All of the changes in our lives, he was really curious about why, you know, private jet, big house in the suburbs, and of course the big one, both of us leaving work.”

“What did you tell him?”

“The truth.  I figured if he really wanted to know, then I would tell him.  He was pretty good about it actually, so perhaps he really is going to try this time.”

“Good, I’m glad John.  You seemed to be having a pretty good chat when I came down to get Aiden.”

“Yes, I guess he was surprised I had kept all the albums, he seemed quite relieved that they weren’t gone.  We actually have something in common.  When he left though, that is what really threw me.  He actually hugged me, like a real hug and the real shocker, he said he was proud of me and that he loved me.”

Susan sat up.  “What?  Why is that so shocking?”

“Because I don’t ever remember him saying it, ever.  Or showing it, and the effort it took for him to say it...well it must have taken a lot because he never shows his feelings.”

“Wow, so that’s good right?  What did you say?”

“Nothing, because he didn’t give me the chance, he said it and left before I could form a coherent thought.  Like I said, he is not comfortable expressing those kinds of feelings so I didn’t get to say a word.”


	54. Chapter 54

 

Lexi rang the bell, then opened the front door.

“Hello!”  She called as Susan was coming down the staircase.  Lexi always marvelled at how grand the front entrance was with an ornate double bridal staircase.  She was trying to talk Luka into buying a house, the apartment just felt too small when they had the two kids, but she knew it would never be anything quite as grand as this house.

Susan smiled widely at her friend who was cuddling the tiny Anya in her arms.  

"She is so precious, look at those eyes!  She has Luka's eyes."

Susan took the baby so Lexi could remove her outerwear.

“I know, she is generally pretty good, Luka said Joe was much crankier, cried a lot more.”  Lexi removed her coat.  “Hard to believe it’s almost Valentine’s.  How are things going with Cosmo being home all the time?"

"Great, though he's not here all the time.  John got him registered for basketball and a self defence class, kind of like karate?  Plus he is in swimming lessons and a sailing course.  So he is out quite a bit, he has met some kids in the area through that and John has taken him out riding a few times too.  Then of course the school stuff, which has been interesting, he does a couple hours every morning then John or I take him out, we go to a museum or the Art Institute, sometimes he goes in and helps with some volunteer stuff at the Carter Centre.  We are using that plus a writing and research project as his ‘punishment’ for the fighting.  We don’t want to let him off too easy, as we are pulling him out of that school.”

“That whole thing still surprises me, but he has always been such a good kid it is unlikely he will be fighting again anytime soon.  Has it been an issue keeping up?”

"No not at all, in fact it feels like he gets a lot done in the morning.  He has breakfast with John and after that we send him into the office and he works solidly for over an hour.  Then he gets a short break to stretch, have a snack, then he is back at it for another hour or two.  Afternoons are an activity like the swimming or some sort of 'field trip' that John or I take him on.  So no evening homework aside from reading, sometimes out loud to myself or John and sometimes quietly.  It feels so efficient, and John is a slave driver when it comes to school work, but he is great at explaining and discussing things too, or finding something they can do to enhance the learning.  Cosmo is doing better grade wise now than he was in actual school and he spends a fraction of the time."

"Wow, it sounds like it is working out well."

"It is. Devon is in a playgroup too, and he has a swim class and a riding class, and we signed him up for T-ball, so he is making friends out here too.  I love it out here, I never pictured myself such a suburban housewife.  I feel like I am getting so domestic, when Cosmo was a baby I was so bored at times I could not wait to get back to work.”

"A foxy suburban housewife.  I still look like a total lump and you look like you have never even had kids.  I would also bet that having only one child and being with that  other guy, you know?”

“You mean Chuck?  That other guy?”

“That’s the one.  I can just bet John is a lot more interesting than Chuck ever was.  Come on admit it, everything is better.  Better husband, better house, better car, better sex and a houseful of absolutely adorable children.  You cannot deny even one of those facts.”

“I wouldn’t even try.  Okay, yes, better husband is a given, John is just so damn sweet and loving, and he’s fun and incredibly smart.  A great dad...though at first Chuck was pretty good as a dad too, but John tops him there, not even a competition.  The sex...mmmm, I miss the sex, only a couple more weeks though.”

Lexi burst out laughing.

“Wow, how you said that!  I almost need a cold shower!  I understand though, I have a very hot Croatian that I can’t wait to get busy with when my doctor clears me.  So...what is your secret to looking so damn great barely a month after having your...fourth baby?  Four babies, and you look like _that_.  Hardly fair.

“Yoga, walking and some light weight training and John has a pretty strict diet, I try to follow it as well and I have been for almost the entire time I have been with him.  So good quality protein, lots of veggies and whole fruits, not so much rice or starch, light on the sugar and juices plus breastfeeding and I am back in my pre pregnancy jeans already.  My doctor is astounded at how fast I bounced back.  John is getting us a personal trainer once the snow clears, we have the gym, a huge yard and the pool, we are going to start working out together three times a week once my doctor says it’s okay.  John has been working out regularly for quite a while and I can see the difference in him too.  Not working shifts and eating really well?  Man he has this six pack and his arms, wow.  He’s never been a really big guy but he is toned and looking pretty buff these days.”

"Wow, I am so jealous.  I think you need to teach me this eating thing, and I should take up yoga.  I can't believe how much weight I gained over Christmas and of course having this little gem of mine."

"Too bad you don't live closer, you could come join me for yoga.  Maybe I will have to come into the city once a week so we can go to a studio there."

"Yes, because I want to go dress shopping soon for the wedding and I want to look fabulous."

"You already do Lex, but I understand.  I'll send you the eating plan, John has a nutritionist that adjusts it periodically based on his blood tests and medications, but I use pretty much the same thing and it is working like a charm.  Did you and Luka decide on where you are having the wedding?"

"Yes, we decided to take you up on the offer of the back yard here.  Its perfect, John had some marvellous ideas and you have everything.  The pool house even has decent bathrooms so we don't have to have a stream of people in and out of the house all day and night, there is a ton of room outside."

“Yeah, if I didn’t know better I would think John was gay, he has this flair for stuff like decorating and he dresses well and...it is just weird in a guy so damn straight.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that he’s straight, but he has all these little hidden talents and he constantly surprises me.  Like this whole wedding idea, he suggested some ideas I would never have thought of doing.”

"Luka made the point that he grew up with the stuff, his grandmothers house must have been crazy, and his parents place plus he has apparently been to some super ritzy weddings.  He has seen all these details before."

"Sure but he remembers them, that is the thing that is frightening.  He has these incredible ideas for the back yard, based on other yards he's seen, he has the eye for detail that is scary."

"He's a doctor, he's trained to see the details, and he has an incredible memory, plus I think someone in his family was very artistic, I've seen the pictures he takes of the kids and he's either taken a major class or he has a natural eye."

"No, other than learning how to use the camera and what all the settings mean?  He has never taken a photography class, I think it runs in the family.  His cousin Chase was an artist, you see those pictures there?"

"Oh those, I love those, I wish I could get something similar."

"I'll ask John about that, he has some in storage, but they were taken by his cousin.  Truly magnificent, he would have gone far with his art, but he died a while back.  We have a few pieces hung up in different spots, but that is one of my favourites."  Susan poured them each a glass of fresh made lemonade.  "All right, lets get to planning the wedding!  First thing is you have to decide on your colours, then we can plan what we are going to plant for flowers in the back yard."

* * *

“How did all the wedding planning go with Lexi?”  John pulled off his tie and hung up his suit, stripping and dumping his dirty clothes into the hamper, then walking through the bedroom on his way to shower.

“Uh...good.”  Susan’s eyes followed her husband’s path across the room.  She still loved that he had no compunction about walking around their bedroom nude, even more so now that he was on such a high quality diet and working out regularly.  She had noticed over the time they had been together he just kept getting better and better.  He was starting to sleep much better, the 2 am wandering seemed to have tapered off, and with no wonky shift work he never looked tired anymore.  She supposed she didn’t either, which was nothing short of a miracle in a house with six kids.

She had amazed herself when she was able to zip up those jeans that she thought would be on the shelf for months.  Emily was a huge help in keeping their eating on track and Susan did not miss the hurried meals of cafeteria food or roach coach bagels that had so often been the norm at County, or even the quick meals when she was working full time.

“That’s it?  Uh good?” John’s voice floated out as she heard the water turn on.  “Are you still awake out there?

Susan walked over and leaned in the doorway, realizing John had been talking to her and she missed entirely what he had said.

“Sorry, I was distracted by that fine looking naked man that just walked through my bedroom.”  Susan gave him a grin as she watched him adjusting the temperature gauge.

“Ah.  You’ve seen it all before and it still distracts you?  Is that a good thing?  Or a bad thing?” 

“Oh, that’s a good thing, a very, _very_ good thing.  Notice I said I was distracted by the _fine_ looking man.  Those workouts are paying off.”

“Thanks.  That yoga and exercising has been paying off for you too I noticed.  Those are some very sexy looking jeans, you need to stop wearing them.”  John shot back, eyeing his wife up and down.

“Why if they are so sexy?”

“Because if you keep wearing them I am going to need extra long cold showers.  In fact I might need one now, this gorgeous blond is flirting and there is not much we can do about it right now.”

“Three weeks baby, three weeks.”

“Well, at least we can save on hot water.”  John stepped into the shower, taking deep breaths, the woman could get him going and all she had to do was flirt with him.  He dumped a small bit of shampoo into his hand and lathered up.

Susan peeled off her clothes, stepping into the shower after him.

“Remember last time, when I had the twins?  There are other... _ways_ to make you feel pretty good.”  She slid her hand around, stroking him gently, gratified at the instant response.

John leaned a hand against the wall as she ran her hands up over his body, pressing her wet nakedness against his back.  Her low husky voice as she spoke was already making him want her.

“Tease.”  He said in a low voice.

“Oh, I’m not _teasing_ baby, and you know it.”  Her hands were running over his chest now, she lightly played with his nipples, then ran one back down.  “Mm, I think someone is happy to see me.”

“Someone is _always_ happy to see _you_.” 

“So I see...or maybe feel is the better word here.” Susan was stroking him again, ducking around him so she was between him and the wall of the shower.  “Now I see...mmhm baby, I think we have a problem.”

John leaned into her, capturing her lower lip between his teeth, nibbling then sucking gently before moving to the little sensitive spot on her neck.

“What’s the problem?”  John whispered in her ear.

“A woman has needs too, but...my doctor is saying be good for another three weeks.  What’s a girl to do?”  Her voice was sultry and she pouted, running her fingertip down his chest.

“Mmhm, maybe you should call for a second opinion, perhaps another doctor could help with your dilemma?”  John caressed her full breasts, kissing each one gently, cupping one while kissing and fondling the other.

Susan moaned softly, enjoying what he was doing as he pressed her up against the wall, their bodies moulded together. 

“I think we should move this to the bed.”  Susan whispered in his ear.

* * *

 “So what were we talking about?”  Susan lay with her head on John’s chest, idly running her fingers up and down his belly.

“I forget, this beautiful woman crawled into my shower, and totally made me lose track of just about everything.”  John had one arm wrapped around her, the other resting on her hip.

“Ah _sure_ , it’s the woman fault is it?”

“In this case it really is, but I am not complaining.  That was about the hottest sex without actually having sex that I’ve ever had.  How about you?”

“I feel much, much, better, and I have to say I rarely have sex without sex, not given I have this very hot man that keeps crawling into my bed.”  Susan started to laugh. “Okay, we need to stop talking code, that was so damn good and boy I needed it.  It’s been weeks.”

“Yeah, believe me I know, Susan, it’s been weeks for me too.”

“Well I should hope so mister, or you have some explaining to do.”  Susan gave his belly a poke.  “Mmm, feel those abs, you really have been working out.”  She ran her finger down tracing his scars.

“Can I ask you something?”  

“Always baby.”

“I was talking to a doctor in California.”

“California?  About what?  Is everything okay?”  Susan rolled to look at him.  “Are you all right?”

“Yes, I’m fine, I was reading in a journal about some work they are doing on scars.  I might go see him.”

Susan sat up, a little frown on her face.

“What brought this on?”

“Nothing.”  John shrugged, then elaborated as she was still frowning at him.  “Okay, here’s the thing.  I go anywhere and have to take off my shirt?  I get a lot of questions.  Especially about the ones on my back, which have faded a bit, but they are still quite noticeable.  It would be nice not to have to explain all the time.  The surgeons did a pretty good job, but I have a lot of them, you know?  Maybe it’s vain or whatever, but...if they can reduce them, make them blend in more then I might like to try it.  Especially now.  My arm is scarred from dialysis, my back from being stabbed and front of course from multiple surgeries.  I won’t do anything surgical, but they do have some other therapies that are helping...hide them better.  “

“Does it bother you that much?”

“Sometimes.  If it was just the transplant, that’s one thing but...the other thing, I just want to put it behind me you know?  It’s been over 10 years and I have to keep explaining about it and...I’m tired, really really tired of repeating the story.  There is always a constant reminder of that day, and I know people don’t mean to dig up bad memories, but I want to forget, put it behind me but it’s hard to do that when I have to explain.  Even just people asking reminds me, even if I give my no frill no detail answer.”

Susan nodded silently, rubbing his arm.

"What makes it worse is that it was Valentines day which is supposed to be a romantic holiday, but I still cannot bring myself to celebrate it, not on the actual day anyway.  It just doesn’t feel right, it might never feel right.”

Susan pulled him into her arms, kissing him deeply.

“I know, and it must be hard to deal with, all of it.  I don’t mind John, we always do something special close to the day, and we work to keep our romance alive all the time.  We don’t need a day set out by the big retailers for us to tell each other how we feel.  As far as seeing what you can do to reduce the scars, ff it’s something you want or need to do, then do it John.  I am not a big believer in plastic surgery, but this is different.  If I had a big scar from something as... _major_ as being stabbed I might consider it too.  Go see them, if they can help without surgery or undue risk then why not?”

“You would be okay with it?”

“Of course I would.  You would support me if I needed or wanted to do something like that, right?”

“Well yes, I would, I would understand if you felt the need and had scars.  I don’t know if they can do anything, but its worth a try I guess.  Seems silly in some ways, I’ve lived with them this long, but I have given them time to fade and I think they are about as good as they are getting without a little outside help.”

“Yes. You should do it, they obviously bother you more than I realized.  Hey, we can all go to California together, that would be fun.  We should take the kids to Disneyland.”

“Cosmo would have fun, not sure about Aiden.  We could take Elise, maybe we could take Cosmo to Disneyland for a couple days, the other kids are way too young to enjoy it, they won’t be able to go on anything.”

“Deal.  Um, the wedding!  That’s what we were talking about!  They want to use the back yard as you so kindly suggested, so you will have to get your artistic side warmed up.  I was going to meet with that gardener and see what we can come up with.”

“Great, it will be really nice if the weather cooperates.  So I guess we have a trip to California, a trip to New York and one visit to Disneyland to plan out.  Oh, and Houston.  I think Cosmo and Devon would love a tour of the Space Centre.”

“Yes, but for now?  Time for some sleep before Aiden wakes up again.”

Susan curled up and was soon asleep, John drifted off to long afterwards.

* * *

 John walked into the Centre, stopping by to see Luka.  It had been a few days since he had seen or talked to his friend.

"Hey, you look like you haven't slept for a month!"  John took in the man's tired eyes, the dark circles.

“I sure feel like I haven’t.  Anya is up at all hours the past few days, Lexi is stressing out about wedding plans and Joe has been a holy terror.  I don't know what has gotten into that boy lately, but John, he is driving me crazy.  On top of that Abby has been moody and cranky.  I gave her the wedding date and asked if we could have Joe that Saturday so he could attend and you know what she said?  NO!  Can you believe it?  She doesn't want to give me our son for one day so he can be the ring bearer at my wedding."

Luka’s voice was rising, John could see the fire in his friend’s eyes.

John held out a cup of coffee that he had just picked up down the street.

“Nice and fresh, hot with a little cream?  I am very sure you need this more than I do, ”  He pointed to one of the exam rooms.  "Go."

Once they were in, John closed the door.

"Look, why don't you take a couple days off.  I can probably get Deb to come in and cover for you, she likes the hours, even though she's a volunteer.  Who has Joe right now?"

"We do.  Until the weekend.  Lexi is tired and cranky, she's not sleeping, Joe's been nuts, I haven't slept properly in days."

John held up a hand while he dialled his phone.

"When you off today?"

"Another 6 hours."

"Hi Deb, what are you up to today?"  

"Ah you know, my exciting life, I was just going to go do a bit of shopping.  Why?  You have a better offer for me?"

"Would you mind covering at the Centre for Luka for about 6 hours?  Maybe tomorrow too?  New baby syndrome."

"I see.  Sure, for Luka?  I can do that, I will be there as soon as I can.  Rough with little Anya?"

"And hell raiser Joe apparently.  Thanks Deb, I owe you one."

"You bet you do John, and I am going to collect, count on it."  Jing-Mei tease her good friend.

"Yeah, I can imagine.  I am sending Luka home, I'll cover until you get here."  John hung up the phone.  "Okay, Deb is covering.  So two options.  You can go home and crawl into bed and tell Lexi that I will be there to get hell raiser Joe as soon as Deb shows up.  If Anya would take a bottle and she has some ready?  I can take her too.  Or the two of you can pack up overnight bags and come out to the house overnight.  We can watch the kids while you get some sleep.  Your option, talk to Lexi and I will come by the apartment probably in an hour?"

"You don't know what you are letting yourself in for John, but all right."

"Oh, I might have some idea, not like we don't have any of our own little rugrats Luka.  But we are both off work and we have Elise the magic nanny and Emily is often around too.  Aiden also sleeps pretty well, so Susan is not exhausted."

"Rub it in, Carter, rub it in."

"Sorry, don't mean to, its just it's easier for us right now.  So pack it in and go home...and I'll take Joe off your hands at the very least."

Luka nodded and wearily headed towards the lounge to gather his things, sipping the coffee gratefully.  It was good and he needed the caffeine.

John picked up his phone, hitting speed dial.

"Hi honey, how are things going today?"

"Great, we were waiting for daddy to come home though, Devon has been asking for you all morning."

"Tell him I will be home in a couple of hours with a friend for him to play with."  He filled her in on his short visit with Luka.  

"All right.  I'll call Lexi too and see if she wants to come out, or if just having a break and quiet time at home would suit her better.  She was saying Joe has been a bit difficult lately."

"Mmhm, we will see how he is with us, try to give Lexi and Luka a bit of a break."

Two hours later John was pulling into the garage with Joe in the backseat.  The other couple had opted to stay home and get some rest, and Lexi was not ready to be parted from Anya at this young age.  Abby was working, so calling her to take Joe was not an option, but John didn't mind, Joe had spent quite a lot of time at their house and he and Devon got along well.

"I think Devon is going to be excited to see you."  John helped the boy unbuckle and get out of the car, grabbing the small overnight bag and shooing him into the house.

"Daddy! Daddy, daddy, daddy’s home!"  Devon raced into the coat room, John throwing him into the air before catching him and giving him a big hug.

"How's my boy?"

"Good.  Joe staying to play?"  Devon smiled happily.

"Of course.  Why don't you two take his bag upstairs to your room and then go down to the playroom?  We can go outside in a while."

John walked through as the small boys went up the back staircase.

Susan met him with a kiss and a hug.  

“You're finally home.  All the little people are sleeping and Cosmo wanted some help with that model he's building.  I tried but he wants you to do it?  Apparently you are much better at building models than I am, being a girl and all.”  Susan said wryly, though inside she loved that Cosmo loved his stepdad as much as he did and John was so great about spending time with all the kids, giving Cosmo equal time.

“Sure, if you can keep an eye on Joe and Dev, I will have some lunch and help him out.  Luka looked ready to keel over at work, so I called Deb, she is filling in."

"Lexi said they aren't getting any sleep, Joe's behaviour has been bad lately too, they are not sure if it the new baby or something else?"

"Could be something else?  Abby won't let them have Joe for the wedding day, so...I wonder if something is going on at her home."

Susan shook her head, the annoyance clearly written on her face.

“That woman, why is she being so difficult John.  You know her pretty well, why is she being so incredibly bitchy about letting them have Joe, for the wedding no less.  You’d think she would remember all the nice thinks Luka has done for her over the years, but nope, she is going to keep that little boy from an important event.  I hope Luka denies her access sometime when it’s his weekend and see how she likes it then.”

“Hey, don’t get all worked up baby, I don’t like to interfere, but I will talk to her, okay?  She might not like me saying anything but I am going to anyway.”

* * *

 Joe stayed two days with Susan and John as Luka was not feeling well and Lexi not up to chasing the boy around.  Joe was to go back to Abby the next day, and Luka was still not feeling great, so John offered to drop him off at County.  Sam was on triage and buzzed him in right away with a wave, John went up to admit where Abby was wiping a patient off the board.  

"All right Frank, when Kovac finally decides to show up with my son, tell him I'm in the lounge.  Waiting for him.  AGAIN."

Frank frowned and pointed at John, who had hold of Joe's hand. 

Abby turned around and sighed deeply, wondering why John Carter had her son _yet_ again, when it was supposed to be Luka.

"Lounge."  She snapped.

Frank gave John a little eye roll.

"Bossy ain't she.  I think you got off lucky if you ask me.  Good move leaving the country, Africa was probably friendlier.”  Frank muttered as John sighed and started towards the lounge, though he could not argue that he had indeed gotten off pretty darn lucky when he and Abby broke up.

Abby had already disappeared and was digging in her locker when John pushed through the door.

"Okay Carter, why do you have Joe?  He was supposed to be with his dad."

"Luka isn't feeling well, I offered to drop him off.  Don't make a federal case, Abby, you were obviously working so where would he have been if it was your day to have him?"

"Oh don't start with me John.  Just...let me have him."

"Abby, are you all right?"  John was watching her closely.  "Abby?"

"I'm fine, just tired, it's been a long shift."

“Are you sure?  I can keep Joe a bit longer if you need to go home and get some rest?”  John was a little concerned, Luka had mentioned Abby was being moody, which was not a great sign.

“Carter, just go home to your wife, I am sure she is waiting for her knight in shining armour to come home.”  Abby snapped at him.

“Okay fine, just trying to be nice, Abby, you know Joe is always welcome at our house.”  John looked at her long and hard.  “Abby, are you drinking again?”

“No, Carter. I am not drinking again.  Stop trying to fix me...”

“Yeah, you’re not broken, I get it Abby, just stop saying that, all right?  What is up with you?”

“Nothing, I’m tired and want to go home.  Leave me alone John.”

“Fine.  You know Abby, this was always your problem, you can’t let anyone into your little world, and it’s always about Abby.  For the record?  What you are doing to Luka, not letting him change weekends with you so Joe can come to the wedding?  Not nice Abby.  You might be unhappy, but that is no reason to make everyone else around you miserable.  You think you would have learned by now.  Why can’t you let the guy be happy, let him get on with his life?  Why is that so difficult for you.  Karma Abby, what goes around comes around, and one day you will wish that you had not deprived your son memories of the day.”

“Why doesn’t he just change the date of the wedding?  Sounds like the venue is pretty flexible.”  Abby glared at him.  “I mean, you can let him use your house any weekend, Carter.”

“No Abby, I can’t.  I have a life too, and there were only certain weekends that would work with the caterers, and all the other people that we need to make this happen.   We have several people schedules we had to coordinate, and I have to take Devon to Houston among other things, and Susan and I won’t be in Chicago all summer, only part of it.  If we could easily change the weekend we would, but we can’t.  What would it take to get you to reconsider?”

Abby sighed heavily.  “I’ll think about it.”

“We could get Cate to schedule so you can have another weekend with Joe?  So work won’t interfere?”

“I said I would think about it, Carter.  That is all I am going to promise.  Now, I want to go home with my son.”  Abby slammed her locker.

“Bye Joe.”  John picked the boy up and gave him a hug. 

“Bye Uncle John...I had fun.”

“Good, we’ll have you out to play with Devon again soon.  When it gets warmer we can go out on the boat.”

“Yay.  I want to go sailing, just like Devon and Cosmo.”

“All right.  It’s too cold now, but we’ll go sailing when it gets warmer, teach you how to be part of a sailing crew.”  John put the boy down as Abby narrowed her eyes at him.

“Boat?”

“Yes, it’s a big wooden thing that floats on the water?  Has sails?”

This got a sigh and an eye roll.

“Never mind.”  Abby shook her head, not quite believing that he owned a house in the suburbs, at least one SUV, and a boat.  She had not seen the house yet, but she’d heard it was amazing from the talk around the admit desk after Christmas.  She had never been one to want a lot of things, in fact she could never imagine being in a position to own a house.  She still owed John money from tuition, and being a single mom in Chicago, even on an Attending salary was not so easy.  She owed a lot of money on student loans and there never seemed to be much left at the end of the month.  She had to admit she was slightly jealous of Susan, being married to Carter must be nice, never having to worry about money ever again.


	55. All That Jazz

Susan came down the steps, seeing John waiting for her in the front entrance, he looked up with a slight smile on his lips, his dark eyes scanning down her quickly.

“What?  That bad?  Should I wear the red one?”  Susan smoothed the midnight blue skirt, looking down to make sure nothing was out of place.  She and Lexi had gone shopping last week and she found it in a small boutique.  It fell just above her knees, and emphasized her waistline, the deep colour bringing a glow to her skin.  She had loved it, but the way John was staring at her now, she was not sure.

“No, you look stunning in that dress, don’t change a thing.”  John admired his wife as she stopped a few steps up, the dress hugging all the right places, the heels she was wearing adding to the look, her legs slim and surprisingly tanned for wintertime. 

“You look pretty good yourself.”  She took in the dark dress pants and blue button down shirt and dress shoes.  She noted he had the expensive leather coat he received for Christmas from Harper, completing his attire.  He slid it on, then patted down his pockets, making sure he had keys and his wallet.

He helped her with her wool car coat after she placed her cashmere scarf around her neck, and she picked up her small clutch.

“You have the tickets?”  Susan reached up and brushed the shoulder of his jacket, removing a small bit of lint.  “There, better.”

She had to almost thank Harper, that jacket looked so damn good on him, dressy casual, perfect for a visit to tonights venue.  One thing about John, whenever they went anywhere he was impeccably dressed, even if it was a pair of designer jeans hugging that finely tuned butt of his, he looked damn good.  

John reached into his inside pocket and produced the tickets fanning them out for her, then tucked them back safely.

“We should go, we need to pick up Peter and Cleo and the car is here, Damian just texted he was pulling in.”

“I’m ready.”  

John opened the door, seeing Damian waiting by the back door of the limo as he offered Susan his arm, traversing the few steps to the car safely, making sure she did not slip on the newly fallen snow.  He assisted her in the car.

“Good evening Damian.”  John smiled at the driver before he slid in behind her.

“Good evening.”  Damian greeted them both, making sure they were settled in the back before he adjusted the heat slightly and pulled up the long driveway.  He had his orders, he raised the privacy glass knowing exactly where they were going and what time they should be arriving.  He loved driving for the Carter’s, he always had, they were always nice, polite, and very clear on what the plans were for the evening so he didn’t often have to sit around in his car for hours.  They asked for him whenever they needed a car and tipped well.  He suspected that the young Dr. Carter had standing orders on the account to cover overtime for Damian as required.

John reached over and took Susan’s hand, turning her rings slightly, then entwining their fingers and putting their hands on his knee.  Susan loved how he was always so affectionate with her, so many men seemed hesitant or withdrawn.  Chuck had been much less interested after Cosmo was born, that was for sure, busy taking care of their son, but the romance had suffered.  It was not like that with John, they both worked to keep the connection, not that it was all that difficult to keep John interested.

John looked over as Susan glanced his way.

“What?  Why the look?”

“Oh, um.”  Susan squeezed his hand.  “I was just thinking about keeping romance alive in a marriage, how you always do little things like hold my hand or put your arm around me.  How with you it doesn’t seem like work, you seem to like the little bits of physical contact we always have.”

“It’s not work, not with us, or I don’t think so.  I have to admit, with you it just feels really natural, it’s never forced.  Do you know what I mean?”

“Sure I do.  Marriage takes work of course, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like work.  Maybe because I love kissing you, I love making love with you, it always feels good.”  Susan said softly as she leaned into him.

John looked down into his wife’s eyes, lifting a brow, noting the husky tone.  Just the way she said it made him aroused, he felt a passion for her he’d never felt for another woman.  He leaned down and gave her a long kiss, running his hand into her hair, finally pulling back.

“It’s supposed to feel good, but I know what you mean.”  He replied against her hair.  “It never feels...routine?  We have it good Susan, you are so worth every moment it takes to keep it that way.”

Susan inhaled deeply, enjoying the intimacy they were sharing.  The phrase ‘you are so worth every moment’  stuck with her, it played through her head.  When had a man ever said something like that to her?  ‘You are worth it’.  Simple words, but powerful, and she didn’t think he realized how they affected her, they seemed to have come out without planning or thought on his part, naturally, and for that reason she thought it must be true.  She was with a man finally, who was on the same page, who wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with him.  It wasn’t her loving him more, or him loving her more, it felt like it was of equal depth on both side.

“Where have you been all my life, John Carter.  So many bad relationships and I’ve had my heart broken more times than I can count, I had given up hope, but yet here I am.  We fit so perfectly.”

“Right in front of you, but it wasn’t our time until now.”  He put his arm around her.  “We have the experience and knowledge to make this work, and it just does.  Like it was meant to be all along.”  He dropped a kiss on her hair as they pulled up in front of the Benton’s modest home.  

“I love you.”  Susan said softly as the door opened and then Peter and Cleo were sliding into the opposite seats.

She felt his fingers entwine with hers again as their intimate moment was broken, but his warm hand in hers, the gentle squeeze let her know he’d heard her say it.

The conversation flowed smoothly on the way to the club, Cleo even seemed warmer than usual, which surprised Susan.  They finally pulled up front and Damian open the door, knowing Dr. Carter would text shortly before they were ready to leave and it would be hours, he was on his way home for dinner and time with his wife.

After checking coats they were led to their reserved table near the dance floor. 

“The band tonight is particularly good.”  Peter commented.

Susan had been surprised to find out that John and Peter shared a true love of jazz music, it seemed to two shared a lot of interests.  Peter had showed some interest in learning to sail, something he’d never had opportunity before, and John had offered to take him out on the boat during the summer. 

“Have you been to this club before Susan?”  Cleo asked.  “This is one of our favourite places.

Susan looked over at John with a slight grin, remembering the first night they’d been together.  Tonight of course she needed to be more controlled, but then she wasn’t nervous this time either, and she had to go home and feed their son later.

“Yes, John brought me here on our first date, when we started seeing each other a couple years ago.  I loved it, never listened to a lot of jazz before, but I have to admit it really grows on you.  Its really...soulful is maybe the word.”

She could see Peter give John a knowing look, that was accompanied by a huge smile.  

“First date, goes right to the _Jazz_ _Club_.”  Peter looked highly amused, she didn’t miss the look that John gave him in return.  She was going to have to ask about that comment later, the way it was said told her there was a double meaning.  Like Peter knew they had slept together that night.

“What can I get you to drink?”  The server arrived at their table, perfect timing in John’s books, he hoped that they could move on in conversation.  He had seen the thoughtful look on Susan’s face, she had not missed the double entendre.  The drawback of being with such an intelligent woman.

They all ordered, John pulled out his credit card.

“Start us a tab please?”

“Certainly sir.”  The server took in the black credit card and was immediately more attentive, she took the card back to the bar and ran it through.  

Susan knew that now they were going to get premium service all night.  Neither John nor Peter were big drinkers each for their own reasons, but they were still paying for drinks and the server would be tipped well.  John treated service people well if they provided good service and they always did for him.

“John, you don’t have to do that.”  Peter shook his head.  “You bought the tickets and opened a tab on your card?  Not necessary.”

“My treat, Peter.  All the times you have been there for me?  Just enjoy, okay?  You know I can afford to buy a few drinks.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you can, but that is not why we are friends.”

“Exactly.  That is why I don’t mind buying the drinks, because we _are_ friends.”  John shot back, which silenced Peter’s protest.

“Thank you.  This is a very nice treat.”  Peter stopped protesting, knowing it was true, and his friend really was just trying to give them a nice evening out.  Carter knew he wasn’t taking advantage, they’d know each other a very long time and were still friends despite having not see each other much during the years after Peter had left County.  

The band came on and introduced the singer, they sat and listened for a while, then Peter asked Cleo up to dance.  John held his hand out to Susan with a smile, she took it readily and he gently pulled her from her chair.

Susan still was amazed at what a fantastic dancer John was, thought why she was surprised she was not sure.  He had admitted it was something he had been taught very young, and it came handy many times as he was often invited to very fancy weddings and of course he had been to a lot of the charity fundraisers his grandparents had thrown over the years.  He was great at leading, and patient enough to teach her, she had always thought she had two left feet, but he was proving her wrong.  They danced a couple of the faster songs, then he pulled her close as the band started a soft and sultry slow song.

Peter asked her up to dance a few times and John did the same with Cleo, the conversation at the table was lively and interesting, and not all about work, for which everyone was grateful.

By the end of the evening they were all tired, but happy.  Susan felt like this was how life was supposed to be, and she was thankful yet again she was with someone who like to get out and do things.  Not just going to the bowling alley, which was fun, but truly going out as a couple.  

They dropped Peter and Cleo off at home, then Susan leaned up against John, smothering a yawn with the back of her hand.

“Tired baby?”  He put his arm around her, encouraging her to cuddle up to him, rubbing her arm through the soft wool of her coat.

“Exhausted, but it was fun, I had a great time, thanks for arranging it.  Peter has really loosened up over the years.”

“I think he has always been like that to a certain extent, you just never saw it at the hospital.  You know I met some of his family over the years I worked at County?  His mom was a sweet lady, he was heartbroken when she died, and he is still quite close to his sister Jackie.  Took me a while to see it, but he always had a heart, he just had to be a certain way with his students and at the hospital.  I kind of get it, remember when you asked me what had happened to me?  That you were worried I had stopped caring?” 

Susan did remember, he’d lost it on a patient and felt like he’d gone from a sweet caring naive student who was going to get trampled to being hard as nails.

“Yes, you changed a lot that year.”

“It’s called trying to be a surgeon, it can do very bad things to people, one of the reasons I left after the first year.  Not because I couldn’t do it, I liked being in the OR, but it was the attitude that so many surgeons display. Not all of them of course, but they are a very egotistical and competitive bunch, and you have to cover up certain things, be tough or you get thrown to the wolves.  I got way too caught up in it, and...I didn’t like who I was becoming so I had to get out.  Peter was doing what he had to do to survive and he was able to manage it.  I often wonder if that year had played out differently if I would have stayed, if Dennis hadn’t died?  Peter and I had a few pretty good arguments over that whole thing.  And he found out about Keaton, which didn’t help.”

“I still cannot believe you slept with his supervisor and he didn’t kill you.”

“At the time he probably wanted to, but he never said much about it, he could have hung me out to dry and he didn’t.  I still don’t really know why, but he and Keaton talked so maybe it had something to do with it?  Doesn’t much matter now.”

“Would you change it?  If you could go back, would you still get involved with Keaton?”  

“Honestly?  I probably would yes.  If you could go back would you get involved with Div?”

“I don’t know, probably not.  The way he left John, he didn’t tell me anything, I realized I meant nothing to him.  That was the hardest part.  Keaton obviously left on better terms.  Why did you break up, because Benton found out?”

“She had an opportunity in Pakistan, she had applied to go months before we got involved, and we had been seeing each other such a short time...it made sense for her to go.  I mean, she was quite a bit older than me, we were hiding the relationship, it was an affair, but she didn’t leave without saying goodbye.  I always hated Div for how he left, without even a good bye.”

“You hated him?  Why, he didn’t do anything to you.”

“No, but I saw what he did to you and I think it was low of him, just packing up and leaving without so much as a word to you?  Half the hospital knew before you did, and I think he was an asshole.  He talked down to people all the time, he treated you like crap at work, Susan, I saw how he talked to you more than once.  I hope he wasn’t like that at home.”

“No, he was much nicer at home, he just didn’t want people to know we were dating.  I mean, how did Keaton treat you at work?”

“She was sweet.  She treated everyone with a lot of respect, she never talked down to anyone and she was a highly renowned Pediatric Surgeon even back then.  She was super nice to me all the time, so much so that Shirley caught on that there was something going on with us.  She never ratted either, which was amazing, but she knew, I could tell.”

“Of course, that figures.  I’ve never seen him again, and that’s okay, I don’t know what I would say to him if I ever did.”  Susan hadn’t thought much about the man for years, and at this point it didn’t matter, she had gotten over it long ago.  “He’s a non issue in my life, I’m happy.”

“Me too, baby.”

“You know what I would like to know?”

“What’s that?”

“What was the comment about the Jazz Club.  The one Peter made when I said we had gone there?”  Susan lifted an eyebrow at him.

“Ah, the _Jazz_ _Club_.  Nothing really, it was referring to a conversation we had way back when...I was actually in the hospital at the time after being stabbed.  Lucy’s mom had come to see me, I’d kind of had a bad day with Physiotherapy that day.  He had just started seeing Cleo and he had tickets for a jazz club and I made a comment.  He was just throwing that comment back at me.”

“I see...so what was the comment?”

John laughed.  “We all know what happens after the jazz club.”  

“So he was basically saying that you took me to a jazz club for our first date thinking it would lead to us having sex?  Really, so you were _expecting_ to have sex with me that night?”  

“No, not at all, I never _expect_  sex from anyone.  Even as my wife you have the right to say no if you don’t feel like having sex, we don’t.  If I don’t feel like it, we don’t.  Works both ways, it is not a duty or anything.  If I had expected you to sleep with me, then I probably would have taken advantage when you took off your dress, no matter if you were drunk or not, but I’m not like that.  When I made the comment originally to Peter it was...not even serious.  I was high on pain medication, and I had just lied to Lucy’s mom and had a crappy day and it’s just a joke.  He doesn’t think anything of it, and I was not thinking about how to get you into bed, I just thought you might like it because it was fun.  We didn’t really have dates like that when you came back to County, and perhaps we should have, because you seemed to enjoy it.”

“I did enjoy it and as long as that is not what you were thinking when you planned our evening out, that the jazz club is a good place to get a woman primed up for bed?  You did invite me in afterwards though.”

“Yeah, and you left your card key at my place, which is a good point, was it too big to fit into your purse?  Why did you leave it, were you expecting that I would put out for _you_?”  

Susan had to laugh at that comment.  He had never said anything about the card key before, but truthfully she  _had_ left it on purpose, an excuse to go back to his place instead of going directly back to her hotel.  She had been attracted to him right from when she saw him again, the fact that they had actually and finally slept together was planned to a certain extent.  Just not by him.

“You caught me, baby.”  She leaned in close.  “I know you felt it too, there was something there, and I wanted to see what it was.  I didn’t want to be dropped off at my hotel right after the club, I wanted to go back to your place, see what happened, but I was nervous and I drank too much.  I really wanted to sleep with you.”

Susan nuzzled up against his neck, then nibbled his ear lobe, inhaling his warm spicy scent as she did.

“Well, then maybe I should not have been worried about you being a little drunk, but...I think it was better when you were sober, then I knew it wasn’t just the alcohol.”  He murmured back softly, turning to capture her lips, kissing her deeply, his arm wrapping around her waist.  Susan wrapped a hand behind his neck, letting her fingers wander into his hair.

They finally broke apart, he rested his forehead against hers, not letting go.

“No, it was never the alcohol talking, it was my heart.”  Susan rubbed the back of his neck, realizing this was the truth.  It wasn’t just a physical attraction, it was emotional, something inside telling her to take the chance, and she would be forever grateful she had done so. 

* * *

 Susan walked into the cafe, seeing Lexi already there, sipping a tea.

“Hi, how are you doing?”  Lexi stood to give Susan a quick hug before they both sat again.

“I’m good.  You look a bit better, getting some sleep?”

“Yes, because Joe the child from hell is at his mom’s for a few days.  Its funny, he was so great, so sweet for the longest time and suddenly he is a terror.  We find that when he is around less Anya sleeps better and life is easier.  I love him, don’t get me wrong, but I am really not sure what is going on with that child.”  Lexi sighed deeply.  “We are thinking about some counselling but Abby is not on board with it, she says he’s fine when he is with her.  How was he when you and John had him for those couple days?”

“Okay.  I mean, good overall but John and I both think there is something going on with him, he is not quite himself though he didn’t give us the kind of trouble he is giving you and Luka.  Do you think it’s about having a new baby around?”

“Well maybe, but its hard to get to the bottom of it, because we try asking Joe simple questions and he just doesn’t seem to want to tell us anything.  That is why we want a child therapist, someone who maybe has better ways of getting to the bottom of what is going on with him.  Luka has been trying to give him a lot of attention when he is around, but even that is not working.  Are you having any trouble with Devon around Aiden?”

“No, but it’s different Lexi.  Devon came into our lives when the twins were really little and up until recently he was with Harper most of the time.  Being around his dad so much is novel for him still, which is a bit sad really, but it’s true.  John hasn’t had his son full time very long...or almost full time.  The babies being there first probably makes a huge difference, he hasn’t ever been an only child in our home.”

“Perhaps it’s the difference?  Maybe next time you two have him, dig a little if you can, see if you can get him to talk, or John could try if he’s willing.  Joe talks non stop about Uncle John when he comes home after a playdate.  The guy is like the pied piper of children or something, they just love him.”

“I think he would be willing, he has a way with kids it’s true.  Cosmo is crazy about him too, the other day he waited for John to come home and help him with that model he got at Christmas, mommy is not good enough, has to be John.”

“That’s kind of cute Susan, you have to admit, to have a man in your life that loves your son that much?  Doesn’t think he is some kind of burden, just welcomes him like he’s his own?  So, so lucky.  Remember Pamela?  She finds this guy she thinks is just great and then boom, he meets the kid and they can’t stand each other, the guy never wants to do anything with her daughter around, so they broke up.”

“John was pretty clear from the start that he considered Cosmo ‘part of the package’.  I was a package deal I guess, date me, get a kid too.”

“See, that’s sweet, he let you know if you were important to him, then so was your son.”

“You know what he said the other night?  It seemed such a simple thing to say, but he said I was ‘worth it every moment’.  It was how he said it, I almost melted.”

“Oh wow.  He’s a keeper Susan, even if you have to chain the man to the bed, don’t let him go.  Even if he is still dancing attendance on Harper.  How do you put up with it?”

“I don’t see it that way.  She is putting in really long training hours and rarely gets more than 48 hours off at a time.  John has Devon most of the time now, and he agreed he would take Devon down to see her when he could and she had the time to spend with Dev.  I think it shows a side of him I like, rather than one that annoys me, he is making sure his son still gets to see his mom regularly.  If John wasn’t taking Devon there, then either Harper would want him in Houston all the time or she would not be seeing her son.  It’s for Devon, and to keep things civil between him and Harper.”

“You don’t worry about him seeing her so much?  You said you don’t trust her.”

“No, but I do trust him.  I told you that too, I trust him and he is doing what he has to do for his son, which to me means he thinks of other people.”

“You are an understanding woman, but I see your reasoning.  You are going on the next trip, and that is soon right?”

“We leave in a few days.  John has a bit of business to attend to in California first, then we will go to Houston after that, Harper has arranged some special tour of the base, then New York to see his dad.”

“Right, they have worked things out have they?”

“Somewhat, John promised his dad we would go up and see him and take the kids.  I haven’t been to New York in years, and apparently we have an apartment overlooking Central Park.  Who knew right?  I marry the guy and I still am constantly surprised.”

“Mostly nice surprises though, so I guess its all good.”  Lexi gave Susan a grin.  “How did we both get so damn lucky, catching these hot doctors, I finally feel happy, for what feels like the first time in years.  Truly happy I mean.”

“I know what you mean Lexi, despite the fact we have had some speed bumps, things are really good.  We went out the other night with Peter and Cleo, John’s pre-valentine night out that we always seem to do, and it was great.  We had this amazing talk, its like we don’t have to try that hard to keep the romance?  Like I did with Chuck?”

“Oh, did Chuck ever try to keep the romance?”  Lexi said with a touch of sarcasm.  “I thought he went right to screwing that silly little ditz, Janice.”

“Sorry, my mistake.  You’re right, he was romantic and cute at first, but it fizzled so quickly, where with John its constant little things.  He always kisses me when he gets home, holds my hand, we go out just the two of us sometimes, and of course he is a huge help with the kids.”

“Luka is not quite as touchy feely as John is, but still, he is affectionate, and great with the kids.  Face it, we are two very fortunate women, and lots of women would run us over with their cars to get near our men.”

“I don’t think we quite have to worry that much, but I get you.  They are both good looking guys, and everyone female who is not gay knows who they are, half of damn Chicago knows my husband and I swear I keep running into women he’s dated.  Can’t even go in for surgery and there is an ex girlfriend, sickening.”

“I would not worry, I think he only has eyes for you.”

* * *

 John pulled into the lot of the sports complex with an excited Cosmo in the back seat with an impatient Devon.  He had promised to take Devon to play with Joe, he was going to take the two younger boys to another indoor play center until it was time to pick Cosmo up at Ethan’s house.  Even though he had left the school, Cosmo had been invited to go to the birthday party and was excited to see his friends again, it had been weeks since the fight with Mason and the suspension.

Cosmo climbed out of the back while John helped Devon unbuckle and get out of his seat.

“You have the present Cosmo?”  John checked to make sure the boy had what he needed.

“Yes John, it’s right here.”  Cosmo held up the bag, as John picked up Devon tucking the young child under his arm in a way that made him giggle before putting him on the walkway and taking his hand.

“All right, time to go have some fun then.”  

They all proceeded into the building, finding the group, Ethan excitedly bouncing around as the kids all started to arrive.  John had not met Ethan’s parents, though he did recognize a few from various school functions.

“Oh great.”  Cosmo muttered under his breath.

“What’s the matter?”  John knelt down to tie Devon’s shoe. 

“Mason is here, I don’t want to stay.” 

“Ethan is going to be awfully disappointed if you don’t.  I’ll take you home if you really want, but I think you should just see if you two can get along.  Or just find one of the boys you like to play with and hang out with them.”  John looked into the boys sad eyes.  “You know you should never let someone like Mason interfere with you doing what you want to do.  There are going to be people like him all your life, ones that you prefer not to be around but you will have to find a way to get along.  How about try for a while, and if it gets bad call your mom’s cell phone.  I promised Dev and Joe we would go to that climbing wall so I won’t be able to answer my phone for while.”

“Okay.  If I have to.”  The boy whined slightly.

“Hey, you are going to have a ton of fun, eat cake and ice cream, get all sugared up so you can drive your mom nuts later.  Enjoy!”  

Cosmo had to smile at the comment, heading off towards to Ethan and his parents.  John took Devon’s hand and followed, he wanted to clarify when to pic k up Cosmo from Ethan’s house in case there had been any changes in the plans.

“Mr. Lewis?  I’m Rick, Ethan’s dad, my wife Natalie.”  Ethan’s dad held out his hand.

“No, John Carter.”

“Oh, I thought his stepdad was dropping him and picking him up.  Carter, where do I know that name from?”

“I am his stepdad, Susan kept her last name, just much easier for her.”

“Can you sign a release for us?  We need it for each child.”

“Sure, I can do that.”  John took the form, filled in ‘Cosmo Martin’ at the top, scanned through it quickly and then signed and dated the bottom.

“Martin.  Wow, that must get confusing, Martin, Lewis, Carter.”

“We manage.  So around 7 at your house then?”  John pulled out his wallet and dug out his card.  “My phone numbers, and Susan’s cell phone is on the back in case you need to get hold of us?  You have a big group here.”

“Yes, he wanted to invite all the boys in the class and a few of the girls too.  We are going to take the L back to the house, easier that way.”

“Have fun.  All right Dev, lets go get Joe.”  John said good bye to the Rick and Natalie, taking Devon and heading to the apartment to pick up Joe.

* * *

 

John watched the two boys running and climbing through the tunnels, they’d had a busy afternoon on the climbing wall, then stopping to eat, then they had moved to the indoor play area.  Joe seemed to be happy today, often lately John noticed he had seemed difficult and moody as Luka had mentioned.

His cell started to ring, he looked at the display, not recognizing the number.

“John Carter.”  

“John, this is Rick, Ethan’s dad?”  

John instinctively looked at his watch, it was only 5pm so he wasn’t late picking up the boy.

“Hi Rick, everything okay?  Did you need me to pick up Cosmo early?”

“No...I don’t know how to say this, so I am just going to tell you.”  

John’s heart skipped a beat, hearing those words, immediately his mouth went dry and he inhaled sharply.

“What. Is he okay?”

“Cosmo got separated from the group on the way to the L, him and another boy and...we can’t locate them.  We’ve called the police, we need you to come down to the precinct, hopefully you have a current picture?”

“How long have they been missing?”  John was on his feet, heading over to where Joe and Devon were bouncing in one of the inflatable houses.  “Boys, come get your coats on we have to go.” 

The boys looked disappointed but reluctantly crawled out of the house.

“About an hour.”

“He’s been missing for an hour!  Did you call his mom?”

“No, we only noticed when we got back to the house, we are not sure where they got separated.”

“Who’s the other kid and are they together?”

“Mason Gillespie and we are not sure if they were together or not?  They don’t get along all that well, so I would doubt they stuck with each other.”

“So we have two lost children wandering around downtown Chicago when its getting dark and cold.  Where are you?”

“The 55th?  I’ll text you the address?  Do you want me to call Susan?”

“No, I’ll call her and I’m on my way.”

* * *

Cosmo stopped to look in the window, admiring the model airplane, he loved doing models and John had promised they would look at the space shuttle models in Houston when they visited.  Harper had brought him one from Germany at Christmas of the helicopter he’d sat in, and John had helped him build it.  It had taken hours but it was something he loved about his stepdad, he would sit and help him with things like his school work, take him places or even just sit and talk to him.  

John always had time for him, his dad just didn’t seem all that interested in him these days.  John was patient with him, he knew how to explain things better than his dad, he helped with homework, and his mom was always happy now.  Well mostly anyway.  She and John had little arguments, but they never yelled at each other and they always ended up hugging and kissing each other in the end.  The kissing was kind of yucky, but still, even Cosmo knew John made his mom happy, and his dad did not.

He sighed and ran a finger down the glass.

“Watcha looking at?”  The voice came from behind him, making Cosmo jump.

He turned to see his least favourite person there, but he decided to try and be nice, that is what John would tell him to do.

“The planes.  I like to build model planes, and my stepdad helps me.”

“I like models too.”  Mason responded.  “But my dad sucks at building them and I don’t get very many of them because my parents can’t afford to buy them anymore cause my dad lost his job.”

“Oh.”  Cosmo didn’t know how to respond to that, this was probably the longest conversation he’d ever had with Mason.  “Harper brought me one from Germany when she came at Christmas, it was this neat helicopter like I got to sit in when we were there.  Its called an AH-Z1 Viper, it was really cool.”

“Who’s Harper?”

“She’s my stepbrothers mom?  Devon, the one that was with John when he dropped me off, his mom is a pilot and a doctor, she’s super cool.  John said I should just call her Harper.”

“Oh.”  Mason leaned up against the window, peering in.  “I wish I could get one of those model kits.”

Cosmo turned and looked down the street.

“Where did everyone go?”  

Mason shrugged, still looking in the window.

“I don’t know.  I was walking by myself, Ethan was being mean to me, said he didn’t want to invite me but his mom made him.  I didn’t really want to go back to his house, but...maybe we should try and catch up, cause that is where my dad is supposed to pick me up.”

Cosmo was a little worried, they were alone on the street now, and he knew the sun was going down soon.

“Yeah, John is supposed to get me at Ethan’s too.  Which way did they go?”

“Um...I dunno, that way?”  Mason pointed down the sidewalk and the boys started to walk, neither saying much of anything.

Cosmo thought they had been walking a long time, and the neighbourhood they were now was a little shabby, it was starting to get dark and a bit cold.  He shivered.

“I think we’re lost.”  He stopped, looking around, hoping to see a store that was open.  He didn’t have money but he knew if he could find a phone he could call his mom or call John, he knew their cell phone numbers.  His mom had made him memorize his address and all the phone numbers as soon as they moved to Chicago.

“Yeah.  This isn’t very nice down here, is it?”

“No, we need a phone, and John will come pick us up.”  Cosmo spotted a payphone and headed towards it, picking up the receiver, then frowning as he realized it was not attached to the phone, the cord had been ripped out.  “This one doesn’t work.  I don’t see any stores.”

“Me either.”  There were very few people out, it seemed as soon as it got dark, the few people that were out had disappeared into their homes.  

Cosmo heard a car coming, deep base music coming from it.  He turned and saw the dark coloured car, with deep tinted windows, knowing they were in a not so nice area, his heart started to pound.  The car stopped and the window rolled down.

“What you little white boys doing out here?  Kind of in the wrong neighbourhood ain’t ya.”  

The door opened, and two large teenagers stepped out.  

“We got lost, we just want to get to the L.”  Cosmo tried to keep his voice clear.

“We’ll show you...for a price.”  The two older men flanked the boys, blocking any hope of escape, backing them up to a building.

“We don’t have anything.”  Mason said bravely.

“Hm, I think you do.  That is a pretty nice jacket there little white boy, you have a rich daddy?  Yeah, I bet you do, look at those kicks.  I think we’ll just take those if you don’t mind.”  

They were staring at Mason, then they looked over at Cosmo.  

“You too little rich boy.  Jackets.”

Both the boys looked at each other in fear.

“Now, boys.  If you know what is good for you.  Then we will point you in the right direction.”  One of the men pulled back his jacket slightly to show the young boys a hidden handgun, while the other pulled out a knife and ran the tip of his finger over the blade.

Both boys took of their jackets and handed them over, Cosmo almost in tears as he had gotten that on their trip overseas.

“Hmmm, shoes.  I want your shoes too.  Do it now!”  

Both boys removed their shoes and handed them over.”

“Okay, you can go, but never come back here.  That way, go, run if you know what is good for you.”  The taller on pointed down the street back from where they had come from and both boys took off, running as fast as they could.

“Yeah that’s right, get your skinny asses back to your own side of town.”

Cosmo could hear the laughter behind him, he was out of breath as they turned the corner and fearfully looked back.  He glanced over and could see the tears running down Mason’s face.

“My dad is going to be so mad, I got that for Christmas and now he can’t buy me a new one since he lost his job.”

“Its okay, he won’t be mad will he?”  Cosmo rubbed his arms, trying not to cry himself.  “It’s getting cold and we need to keep going.  Stay in the shadows so no one sees us.”  

His feet were going numb from the cold, icy pavement and he was glad he had on a sweatshirt and a long sleeve shirt, he could see Mason was really cold with just a t-shirt on.  Mason was sniffling hard, trying to hide the fact he was crying.

“He had a gun.”  Mason's voice wobbled.

“I know, and the other one had a knife.  Keep walking.”  Cosmo grabbed the other boys hand, pulling him along the sidewalk, not wanting to stop.

* * *

 Susan ran into the police station, looking for John, Lexi only moments behind her.  It had been one of the worst moments of her life, having John phone and say that Cosmo and one of the other boys from the party were missing.  To make it worse it was Mason, the bully.  

She shivered as the words ran through her head, how she and Lexi had been joking and laughing when her phone rang.

_”It’s John, I should get this.”  Susan smiled as she answered.  “Hi honey, how is the playdate going?”_

_“Fine.  Joe and Dev are fine.”  His voice was...weird._

_“What’s wrong.”_

_“Susan.  Cosmo is missing, I need you to meet me at the 55th, right away.  He and another boy, Mason, got separated from the group on the way to the L.  I’m on my way there, just come as soon as you can.”_

_“What!  They lost my son!?”  Susan put her hand to mouth.  “John, please tell me you’re not serious.”_

_“Sweetie, I would never joke about something like this, I really need you to come now.  They just called me, he’s been missing over an hour now.  Once we have some details we can maybe go out and help search.  We need to get Joe back to Lexi and Luka, is she there?”_

_“Yes, she’s with me.  I’ll ask if she can take Devon too.”  Susan could feel the tears trickling down her cheeks, Lexi looking at her in alarm.  “What if he’s not okay.”_

_“Hey, he’s pretty smart, and they are out looking for them already, they’ll find them, Susan.  Just come down, try not to panic, take some deep breaths.”_

_“I’m on my way.”_

_“What’s going on?”  Lexi stood, throwing some money on the table to cover the bill._

_“Cosmo is missing along with another boy from the party.  John is on his way down the precinct, can you come with me?  Could you take the boys?  He has Joe and Devon still.”_

_“Of course.”  Lexi took her hand and squeezed.  “They will find him, Susan, but let’s go.”_

Susan spotted John, Rick and another man talking to one of the officers, John was digging out his wallet and passed over a picture which the officer handed over the counter to the clerk who put it on a scanner.

“John!”  She hurried across the floor, feeling relief as his arms encircled her.  “Did they find them?”

“Not yet.  I gave them a picture, they are scanning it and sending it out to all units.  They’ve put out an alert and they are actively looking.  Simon and I were going to go out and look too, if you can take Dev and Joe?”

“I am so sorry.”  Rick looked a little green.  “I don’t know how this happened, I thought we had all the kids, but when we did a head count on the train we knew we short two, and Ethan said it was Cosmo and Mason.  All the other kids have been picked up by the parents.”

“I don’t care, I want my son.  How could you be so careless as to get on the L without checking you had all the kids with you?  Were they together?”

“I don’t know, I’m sorry, so so sorry.  We are so careful, I don’t know if they were together or not.”

Susan was openly crying, John handed her a handkerchief from his pocket so she could wipe her eyes, and gave her a hug.

"They will find them.  Can you switch cars with me?  I have Joe's car seat in mine, it will be quicker."

"No, I want look too."  Susan rebelled.

John pulled her aside and wrapped her in his arms, whispering against her hair.

"Susan, you need to go home soon, take care of the kids, feed Aiden.  Luka is on his way with Anya, he is going to go out with Rick and look too.  Please, please take Dev home, take Lexi and the kids with you, and I will call as soon as we know something.  We will find them, I won't stop looking until we find him.  Give me your keys, baby." 

* * *

The two boys were desperately trying to retrace their steps and go back to where they started, but by now it was dark.

"I'm scared."  Mason whimpered, rubbing his bare arms.  "It's cold out here."

"I know, me too.  Mommy and John never bring us down here, they always say to stay away from this part of town especially at night."  Cosmo kept looking over his shoulder, dragging Mason along with him.  "We have to stay together, whatever happens, stay together.  That is what John would say."

Cosmo looked at the other boy again, seeing how cold he was, how hard he was shivering.  He stopped, pulling his sweatshirt over his head.

"Here, wear this for a while, I have long sleeves.  Then I'll wear it for a while again, we can share so neither of us get too cold.  My feet hurt they're so cold."

"Mine too.  How much further?"

"I don't know, but we have to keep moving.  It's too cold to sit unless we can find a warm spot or a blanket or something.  Better to keep walking."

"How do you know?"

"My mom and John are both doctors they teach me little things, especially John.  I love John, I wish he was my dad."  Cosmo said wistfully.

"Where's your real dad?"

"He lives in Iowa, he and my mom got divorced and he doesn't come see me much anymore.  He has two other kids he loves more than me."  Cosmo could not keep the sadness from his voice.

The boys could hear loud music coming up the street again.  Mason grabbed Cosmo and pulled him into a dark doorway.

"Hide, they might see us." 

The two boys huddled in the darkness, hoping the car would go by.  Once it had passed they peeked out.

"There are a couple on the corner down there, they are going to see us."  Cosmo slumped down, curling up in a ball on the cold hard step.  "We have to wait here until they go.  Sit down, close to me, it will be warmer."

* * *

"John."  The officer approached as they were getting ready to leave.  "We are going to send out a couple officers with tracking dogs.  Do you happen to have something that the boy touched very recently?  The fresher the better.  You as well, Simon, anything Mason touched recently?”

"Maybe, we should check the backseat of our car?  I drove him to the party, just a few hours ago. Can I go with them?"

"Can you keep up?  They move fast."

"Yes, I can keep up."  He looked over at Simon, not sure the other man could say the same.  "You want to follow in the car? 

Simon nodded.

“Any idea about items we can give to the dogs to sniff?”

“He left his scarf in the car.”  Mason said with certainty.

“Not sure, but there must be something, let me check before Susan leaves.  She’s taking my car.”

"Let's go gather the objects then we will pick up the boys tracks from the recreation center.  It took a while to get the dogs down here, but this might be our best chance to find them.  It's getting really cold and they could easily have wandered into the wrong part of town.  Are you sure you want to come?  It's not a nice area and it's not pretty down there."

"I'm an Emergency Physician, I worked at County for years in the ER and I spent time volunteering in Africa.  Not much I haven't seen, I can deal with it."

"Well, then, welcome aboard doc.  Simon?"

They headed out to the lot, John waving at Susan, who was putting the boys into the back.

"Cosmo leave anything in the back seat?"

"His gloves.  They were on the seat."  She held them up, the officer held out a bag and she dropped them in.  "What is going on?"

"Dogs.  They are going to use tracking dogs, I'm going with them."  He gave her a quick hug.  “I have my phone, call if you need me.  Don’t worry baby, we will find him.”

* * *

"Are they ever going to leave?"  Cosmo muttered, he could still hear the voices.  It seemed like there were more of them now and they heard yelling now and then. 

"I'm so cold.  I want to go home." 

"Me too, but..."  Cosmo stopped as the first gunshot rang out.

Mason turned wideyed, making to get up.

"No, no, stay down, stay hidden."  Cosmo yanked him back down, and the boys huddled closer together.  “Don’t let them know we’re here.  Keep down so you don’t get shot.“

* * *

John was glad he'd been keeping in shape, the dogs really did move fast.  They had started at the recreation center and the dogs sniffed around for a bit, then one finally barked.  They had brought two dogs, giving each one of the boys items to sniff then worked long the most likely paths.  John and Simon stayed out of the way, John gave Simon the keys and connected his phone through the blue tooth in his car while they waited for the dogs. 

"Answer is right there on the steering wheel."

"Fancy ride doc, you want to let me drive it?"

“It’s just a car Simon.”

The dogs were getting excited, straining at their leashes, ready to track.

“Let’s go doc, ready to run?”  The officer glanced over at him.

“Let them go.  I’m ready.”  

The dogs took off as soon as they were freed, loping along, noses to the ground.  John hoped that the two boys had the good sense to stay together.  John noted that the dogs stopped momentarily in front of a model shop, sniffing in circles until they started off again, taking a turn down towards a not so nice area.

Simon was trailing slowly in the SUV, occasionally getting a bit behind due to traffic, finally losing them as they cut across a park.  The dogs were moving fast as were the officers, and John was moving just as quickly to keep up. 

John felt his phone start to buzz, picking up and quickly giving Simon the name of the street they were on, then hanging up.  Keeping up with dogs was a bit of a challenge and he was doubly happy he had been working out so often, the officers in charge of the dogs were certainly in great condition.  Time was of the essence in tracking, having a fresh scent and the boys had been gone a long time, the sooner they found them the better.

John was getting more concerned, the boys had been out for about 4 hours now, it was getting quite cold, but he was thankful that Cosmo had been wearing the warm jacket he’d bought the boy in Germany.  Even with the cold, as long as he had on his coat he’d be okay.

* * *

 Susan paced the room, not being able to sit still.  She had come home as John requested, and of course he was right, Aiden needed to be taken care of and she had not seen any of the kids all afternoon.  Lexi had come with her to keep her company, bringing Joe and Anya with her as Luka had gone down to help with the search.

They had kept busy, feeding and bathing the kids, but now they were all tucked into bed and Susan was driving herself crazy with all the what ifs.  John had promised he would call, but it had been hours since the boys had gone missing.

“Let’s make you some tea, you need to relax.”  Lexi put her arm around her friends shoulders, seeing the toll this was taking on Susan.

“Tea isn’t going to find my baby.”  Susan sobbed, breaking into tears again.  “The longer it takes to find them...oh Lexi, what if something happens to him?”

“They’ll find them, they are probably just wandering around, lost track of time.”

“No, Cosmo knows better, the minute he was lost or separated he should have found a phone and called.  We’ve told him time and again what to do if he gets separated from us, you know when we were in Europe we had a meeting spot?  And he has our phone numbers memorized, he knows to ask to use a phone at a shop or find a police officer.  He hasn’t done any of those things Lexi, which is bad, very bad.”

Lexi put her arms around her friend, letting her cry on her shoulder.  She hoped her friend was wrong.

* * *

 Cosmo felt numb, so cold.  He wanted to sleep, but he knew he shouldn’t.  It had gotten quiet now, but he was still afraid to look.  The gunshots had rung out for what seemed like forever, and the yelling had gotten uncomfortably close to the doorway they were hiding in.  

“Mason.”  He poked the other boy.  “Mason?”

The other boy grumbled, Cosmo peeked around the corner, then pulled back quickly.  Only a few feet away were a couple of bodies on the sidewalk.  In the distance he could hear sirens.

“Mason.”  Cosmo struggled to his feet, knowing they needed to move or they would freeze.  “Get up.”  

He kept at the other boy until he grumpily got to his feet.

“I’m too tired, I want to sleep.”

“You’re cold, we need to walk, but not too far, I hear sirens, maybe an ambulance or police?”

“We should get out of here.”  Mason was staring at the bodies on the street, fighting the urge to run away.

“No, no, if an emergency vehicle comes by we should stop them.  Get help, they will help.  If we stay here, help will come.”

* * *

 The dogs were whining, sniffing in circles, looking worried, starting one way, then another, confused.

“What’s wrong?”  John watched in concern as the dogs ran back and forth, like they were trying to decide where to go.

“Not sure, something is confusing them, give them time and they will sort it out.”

“It is really cold out here.”

“The temperatures is dropping, cold front coming in.  We also need to be careful, the emergency crews are on their way in, their was a bit of a gang war down here not long ago.”

“Shooting?”  John leaned against the wall, covering his face with his hands for a moment.  “I hope the boys were not anywhere near that.”

“You okay doc?”

“Yeah, just worried, you know?”  John inhaled deeply as the dogs perked up and seemed to decide on a direction.

“They’ve got it, let’s go.”

John followed quickly, they ran for several more blocks before they came onto the street.  John saw two bodies down, he quickly checked them before shaking his head.

“Dead, but obviously not either of the boys.”  John looked at the blood trail leading down the street, but the dogs were circling again, then finally laid down.

“End of the scent trail.  The boys must have gotten into a vehicle.”

John stared at the officer, all he could think was Cosmo had been taken by a gang?  How was he ever going to tell Susan?

* * *

The paramedic looked over at the boy wrapped in a blanket.

“You’re Dr. Lewis’s son?’

“Yeah, can you call her, or call John Carter?  They’ll come pick me up and maybe you could call Mason’s dad?”

“Dr. Carter.  Yeah, I know him really well too.  I can’t call him, but I bet County has his number.  Let me radio and they can call.”

“Thanks Zadro.”  Cosmo pulled the blanket around him tighter, Mason smiling at him faintly.

* * *

“Is anybody going to get that?”  Abby grumped as the radio buzzed incessantly.

“Thanks Abby!”  Chuny called out as she ran by.

“County.”

“Unit 47, we have two boys that need to be warmed up, bringing them in now, no visible injuries.  One of them is a Cosmo Martin, asked if you could call John Carter please?”

“What?  Carter?”

“Yes please, tell him that Cosmo is on his way in to County, conscious, but very cold.  He has another boy with him, Mason?  Let Carter know that too.”

“Understood 47, out.”

Abby yanked out her cell phone and scrolled down, hitting speed dial.

“Abby, not a good time.”  John saw the number on his call display and had answered reluctantly.

“Don’t hang up, John.  Zadro on the 47 called, said he has Cosmo in his ambulance.”

“What!  Is he okay?  Was there another boy with him?”

The officers turned and looked at John who held up one finger to let them know he would fill them in soon.

“Yeah.  Mason?  They are on their way in to County, sounds like they are all right but cold.”

“On my way.”  He clicked off the phone, scrolling down to the home phone number.

“They were picked up by the 47 crew, the two boys are on their way to County.  I have to call home and then we are going there.  Thank goodness.”  John heard the home phone ring once, before Susan’s breathless voice.

“John, please tell me he’s okay.”

“He’s okay baby.  Somehow he got picked up by Zadro on unit 47, the two boys are on their way to County and I am going there now.  I haven’t seen him but apparently they are just cold.  Hang tight and I will call you as soon as I know more, no point in coming in quite yet.”

“But John.”  Susan sniffled into the phone, starting to protest.

“Sweetie, he’s okay, I will call if you need to come in.  I’ll bring him home as soon as I can.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too baby, it’s going to be okay.”

* * *

 John knocked on the glass, Sam looked up.

“Dr. Carter.  They just brought the boys in, Curtain 2.”  She hit the button and let the two men and the officer through the sliding doors.

“Thanks Sam.”  John went through quickly, opening the door to find the two boys sitting with their feet in warm baths.  He went over directly and gave Cosmo a hug.  “You had us worried buddy, you okay?”

He looked over to see Simon patting the boys back, and Mason nodding that he was okay.

Cosmo sighed in relief, seeing John come through the door.  They’d told him his stepdad was on the way, along with Mason’s dad, but seeing him made everything better.

“Just really cold.  We got kind of lost and these two guys took our coats and shoes.”  

The officer frowned at that, and came forward to ask a few questions.

Cosmo related how they got lost, being stopped by the armed teens, and then hiding out in the doorway, too scared to move as the gunfire echoed around them.  Mason added details during the telling of their ordeal, the boys were slightly excited now they were safe.

“When it was quiet there were a couple of guys on the sidewalk, I think they were dead, so we waited.  I knew that there would be an ambulance or police coming so we just waited there for them.  It was really cold, so we tried to hop up and down to keep warm, but my feet really hurt.”

John looked over at Gates who was treating them.

“Minor frostbite, we are rewarming slowly in the foot baths, they were a bit dehydrated so normal saline IV’s and heated blankets.  Gave them both a thorough check up, they should be ready to go home as soon as their feet are warmed up and the IV’s are done.”

“Thanks Tony.  We’ll keep an eye on them if you have other patients.”

John went over to the wall and dialled home.

“Susan, it’s me.  I have someone who wants to talk to you.  He’s fine, just a bit dehydrated and cold, warming him up and then we will be coming home.”

“Thank goodness.  Can I say hi to him?”

“He’s right here.”  John handed over the phone.

“Hi mom.”  Cosmo whispered into the phone.  “I bet you are mad at me.”

“No, no, I’m just glad you are okay, I was worried.  You feel all right?”

“I was just cold but I’m okay now.  John is here so it all okay, he is going to bring me home.”

“I know.  I will see you soon.”

Cosmo said good bye then passed the phone back to John, who hung it up.

“Simon, did you need to call home?”

John was a bit puzzled when the man shook his head.

“No, we’re good.  Sounds like these boys had quite an adventure.”

Cosmo and Mason looked at each other and smiled.

“Yeah, it was kind of scary when the guys started shooting.  And the one who took our coats had a gun.”  Mason said

“I tried to find a phone but none of them were working and there were no stores, and we didn’t know where we were, but we stayed together, just like you told me.  Always stay together.”  Cosmo looked at John.

“Sounds like you did the right things, that was smart to wait for the ambulance to show up.  Zadro?  It was unit 47 right?”

“Yes, I recognized him from the times I came in to visit you.  When they pulled up I just asked him to help us, told him we were lost and cold, and they took us in the ambulance.  Then he radioed for me, so they could call you and mom.  Mom’s really mad at me.”

“No she’s not.  She’s really worried about you, it sounds like you made a mistake and got separated from the group, but neither of us are mad.  We are thankful you are both all right.”

“I lost my coat and my shoes.  The one you bought me in Germany, are you angry about that?”

“Not at you, Cosmo.  I am angry that anyone would take coats and shoes from two young boys in the middle of winter on the street, but never at you.  You did the right thing in giving them up, if they were armed they might have hurt you if you’d refused.  You know the gangs in that area don’t kid around, I’ve dealt with them enough.  They could have been drunk or high, or just angry themselves, you did what you had to do and you took care of each other.”

John checked each of the boys IV’s and then pulled on gloves, doing a check of their feet.

“Looks good.  The IV’s are about done.  Did you two get anything to eat?”

“No, I’m starving.  Can we get something on the way home?”

“Sure, I am actually needing food too, I missed dinner.”  John leaned in.  “Would it be okay if we asked Mason and his dad to come have something to eat with us?” 

“Yeah, he’s not so bad.  He was pretty cool actually, you know he likes to build models too?”  Cosmo whispered.  “John?”

“What buddy.”

“His dad just lost his job and can’t afford to buy a new coat for him.”

“Oh, well I guess dinner should be our treat.  And let me see what I can do about the coat.”  

John turned to Simon and Mason.

“Cosmo and I were going to stop for some dinner before we drove home, would you to like to join us?  My treat, the boys were very brave and I bet Mason is as hungry as we are.”

Mason looked very surprised and Simon grateful.

“Thank you, that would be great.  If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, could you drop us off at the police station after so I can pick up my car?”

“No problem.”  John looked at the boys.  “So, only other issue is neither of you have coats or shoes, but I have an idea.”

“Everything’s closed.”  Mason’s dad looked a bit worried, he knew he didn’t have enough money to replace the coat with anything near as nice as what his son had before.”

“Yes, but I know where we can find what we need.”

John excused himself and went down to the gift shop, finding each of the boys some socks, slippers and bought them each a clean t-shirt and sweatshirt, and sweatpants, though they didn’t have jackets there. He also made a quick call to Susan, letting her know they were going stop for some food and not to worry.

“Here, clean clothes, just take your dirty stuff in the bags, though I would assume your socks can just go in the trash.”  John tossed Cosmo’s away right then and there, the rest he tucked back into the belongings bag.  

“Wow, thanks!”  Mason seemed excited to have the clean clothes.

“You didn’t need to do that, I could have bought him the stuff.”  Simon protested.

“No problem, don’t worry about it, used my employee discount.”  He turned to Cosmo, giving him a little wink before the boy could say anything.

Once the boys were discharged, John took them to the front door then went to get the car.  By the time he got back to the entrance it was warmed up enough for the boys even without proper coats.  They had decided to hit a burger place not too far from County, the great part was it had an arcade, John thought it might be fun for the boys.

On the way however, John pulled into the Carter Centre.

“What are we doing here, this place is closed too.”  Simon looked at the massive building.

John pulled up to the gate of the underground secure parking and held his card up to the sensor, the gate opening smoothly, John pulling into his spot near the elevators.

“You work here?”

“Something like that.”  John responded, hitting the elevator button, then swiping his card through to get them to the office level.  

Once in he led them down the hall to a storeroom where he knew the staff had been sorting donations from the other staff and from a few corporate sponsors.  There was a nice selection of winter coats, boots and shoes that they were giving out whenever they saw a child come through without adequate clothing, and they had a variety of sizes, all reasonably good quality.  He scanned his card again and opened the door.

“Wow, look at all this stuff.  Are you sure you won’t get in trouble for letting us in here?”

“No, I won’t get in trouble.  The boys need coats and shoes, the items in here are donated to be given to those who need them.  Right now, they need them.”  John shrugged.  “Hmm, boys stuff, the right sizes should be here.  Help yourself to a coat, try a few on even, make sure it fits properly.”

Mason looked at Cosmo, who just started to go through the coats, soon the two boys were having a grand time trying on different styles and sizes.

“This one is great!”  Mason looked excited.  “Dad, it’s almost like the one I lost!”

“Hello?  Someone in here?”

“Hi Tom, its just me.”

“Oh hey Dr. Carter.  Just doing my rounds, saw the door open.  How are things?”

“Great.  How’s the family?”

“Terrific.  Sheila said thank you for the bonus.  Made a huge difference.  Well I need to get back to rounds, you’ll lock up when you leave?”

“Sure will.  Say hi to Sheila for me.”

“Will do doc.”  The night watchman waved and went on his way, whistling as he checked doors along the hallway.

“They know you well here.”

“Yes, they do, Tom has been on security since we opened.”  John made sure the boys hung up the coats they didn’t want, then pointed them to pick out some shoes.

Once both boys were outfitted, John grabbed them each a scarf and some gloves that matched their coats.

“Perfect.  Now we can go eat.”

He made sure the room was tidy then shut off the lights and locked the door behind them.

“We’ll get these back to you once I can replace them.”  Simon said quietly to John as the boys raced ahead to the elevator.

“No need.  All the stuff in that room is donated, corporate sponsors and such.  As you can see we have a lot of inventory, it has turned out to be very successful. We really do just give the stuff away as needed and Mason seemed pretty upset about losing his new coat.  The one he found is similar, let him keep it.  I’m on the Board of Directors, Simon, no one will care that I gave away a couple coats and a couple pairs of shoes.”

“Oh.  Board of Directors?  Really?”

“Yes.  Susan and I came up with the idea for the clothing, and it has gone well, we see a lot of kids come through without adequate clothing when we see them in the clinics and the daycare.  We are trying to serve those without insurance, make sure that people, especially children are getting adequate care, dental and medical.  We don’t take emergencies, that goes to County, but they refer a lot of patients here, those they cannot help.”

John clicked the SUV doors and the boys hopped in, happy to have warm proper clothing.  They were soon on their way to the burger place, ordering then John handed Cosmo some money.

“Go play a few games while you wait for the food.  Just keep your eye on the table so I don’t have to chase you down.  And wash your hands before you come back to eat.”

“Thanks John!”  Cosmo took the money and the two boys ran off.

“Thank you.  You know, I was a little peeved when Cosmo didn’t come back after the whole suspension thing, but, you seemed really involved in charity and...why didn’t he come back?”

“Oh a few reasons.  A big one is we moved and it’s a bit far of a drive and the detention thing I thought was way overboard.  So we have been online schooling him to finish this grade and then we need to decide where to put him for the fall, or if we should continue at home.  He’s doing well.”

“I don’t think I could do it, Mason’s mom and I are splitting and going through a divorce.  No one can be home with him all the time.  How do you manage, don’t you work?”

“I’m on sabbatical, writing and publishing for a couple medical journals, and I am on two Boards, so that keeps me busy.  Plus the kids of course, we have a very young family, so Susan is taking time off too, Aiden is only a month old now.  I have to take Dev to see his mom in Houston a lot, we travel, we volunteer a bit.  We are fortunate we can take the time with the kids.  Is Mason an only child?”

“Yes.  He gets lonely I know, and the separation and divorce have been tough.  He’s not a bad kid but he is getting a bit of a reputation as a bully.  I have been trying to help him, but...honestly I just can’t.  He needs to talk to someone but I am scared to go through the school, and I can’t afford it privately.  He and Cosmo seem to be getting along rather well though.”

“Mmhm, they are.  Which is another reason I thought it would nice to come here.  The boys can have some fun after a rough night.  If you don’t mind I am going to give you a name of someone to call?  She works at County, her name is Wendall.  She might be able to help find you a program for Mason, just tell her I gave you her name and that you need something low cost.  She’s great.”

John pulled out his card and wrote her name and work number on the back.

“Is there anyone you don’t know?  You knew a couple of the officers, you knew the paramedics, you know everyone at County, you knew the security at that fancy place for the coats.”

“Oh, I know a few people all right.  I worked at County for a long time, I go in all the time, most of them know me.  The paramedics and officers we used to see quite a bit, being in the ER they are in and out all the time.  Kind of the world I’ve lived in, I know a ton of people in health care, if you ever need to find health resources you know who to call.”

“Can I ask if Cosmo had any other punishment aside from the suspension?”

“He did, I tried to make it constructive though.  He has been volunteering at the Centre, which is where we got the coats, and he did a project, research and writing to help him understand violence and the repercussions.  That fighting is not the answer to life’s problems is kind of what I wanted him to understand.  He’s a good kid too, I’ve never seen him act like that before, and we had a good talk about it.”

“Oh.  I was disappointed that the school just made Mason sit in detention, he wasn’t even allowed to do his homework, which I though was silly.  30 hours and he did nothing.  That is almost a full work week for an adult.”

“Which is why Susan and I disagreed with it.  We had the option to pull him from the school and not everyone does.”

“Where did you move to that is so far away?”

“Lake Forest.  We needed a bigger house and decided to get out of the city for a while.  We have a nicer yard, and we have Cosmo and Devon in activities there so they can make some new friends.”

“Lake Forest.  You ride in limos and have a fancy SUV, being a doctor must be a great gig.”

“Not necessarily.  Susan and I both worked at County for a long time, the pay scale there is nothing to get excited about that is for damn sure.  I have...family money.”

Simon narrowed his eyes and then finally nodded.  “Carter.  Do you know Jack Carter?  Or did you know Millicent Carter?”

“He’s my dad, and Millicent was my grandmother.  Do you know Jack?”

“I met him once or twice on business, and I went to one of the talks once that Millicent had a few years back.   Carter Symphony Hall...and the building we were in was the new Carter Centre.  I didn’t clue in did I.”

“Ah, most people don’t at first.  Which is fine with me, I try to stay low key as I can, but inevitably someone figures it out.  People don’t get the fact that money is not everything.  Days like today show it, we can have bad days just as much as anyone else.”

“Cosmo is not your son though right?”

“Biologically speaking no, he’s not, but I love the kid, and I love his mom.  I treat him like my son, he’s important to me.  When I started dating Susan he was six already, but his dad isn’t around much.  He lives with us most of the time and I want him to be a full part of the family.  She does the same with Devon, not her son biologically but she is really good to him.”

“Wow, then you haven’t been married to her all that long.”

“No, but I’ve known her forever.  I met her when I was 23, still a medical student, and we were friends for a very long time.  I hadn’t seen her in years when she came to Chicago when the Carter Centre opened, I had been living in Africa, volunteering with an NGO.  I had always felt close to her, and we started seeing each other and it went from there.  She is incredible, we have a wonderful family, she’s a great mom and what can I say?  We’re happy, we’d be happy if we had nothing but each other and our kids.  Today was really hard, she was very upset.”

“I noticed.  She seems great.  I wish my wife was...well, you don’t want to hear me crying into my beer.”

“It’s fine.  Doctor is almost the same as bartender.”

“What?”

“Not much I haven’t heard or seen or done.  I worked in an ER for over 11 years.  I’m like a bartender, people tell me things, I can usually offer good advice.  And best of all its totally confidential.”

“Ah.  Right, doctor-patient confidentiality.  You must be good at keeping secrets then.”

“You have to be, you can’t go around telling everyones private medical information, anything they say is confidential with a few minor exceptions.  Don’t tell me you are off to kill someone, because that’s _not_ confidential.  Crimes are not confidential but everything else is.”

“Well what would you do if you found out your wife was cheating?”

John almost laughed out loud, but he kept it in.  Well, he knew the answer to that one, but...maybe not something he should share.  He couldn’t very well say pick up your ex-girlfriend and have a hot affair.

“Divorce her.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, to me cheating is a deal breaker in a marriage.  I feel like a woman who does it once will do it again and it is not something I can easily forgive.  It breaks the trust, and to have a really good relationship you need to trust them.  Did she tell you why?”

“She thought the passion was gone, she was lonely.  She found this guy who could fill that space for her, I was always at work or so she seemed to think.”

“And was it?  The passion?  Gone I mean?”

“Perhaps.  We’ve been struggling a bit financially, we have a son to raise, we both worked long hours, so we weren’t, you know, _together_ very often.”

“Pretty common problem, Simon.  Life is tough and outside things get in the way, things we can’t control.  I know trust me, this is my second marriage and I learned a hell of a lot from the first one.”

“And why did you get divorced?”

“She cheated, among other issues.”

“Oh.  Then I guess you know what you are talking about.  Did _you_ ask her why?”

“Sure, but...our situation was complicated.  She wasn’t American, she was French, at some points the relationship was long distance, and...our son died.  It fell apart after that, she was great for the most part, but she never got over it and things just didn’t work anymore.  So, we separated, then we divorced.  While we were apart I fell in love with Susan, and took all the lessons I learned from my life up until then and we have a very strong marriage.”

“I’m sorry, losing a child.  Today must have been extra tough to deal with.”

“It was very difficult, of course, the thought that something had happened to Cosmo was unbearable, but I had hope at least, and it’s turned out well.  They had a scare and next time will certainly be more careful to stay with the group, but then again Rick and Natalie were not vigilant enough, losing two kids in their care.  Lucky we’ve travelled a bit and Cosmo knows what to do.”

“So all the stuff he says about Germany and sitting in fighter jets and sitting up from for take off is all true?”

“It is, we have a jet, he sometimes sits in the jump seat for take off and landing though he gets bored and goes to the back during the flight.  Harper, Devon’s mom was Air Force so we used to go see her in Germany.  She’s in Houston now, so the whole Astronaut thing is actually true as well, we are going to the base there in a couple weeks to visit her and she is getting us a tour.  Kind of a behind the scenes thing since we are considered family.”

“Oh wow.  Your ex wife?”

“No, an ex girlfriend.  Very long story.  So he does have quite a few advantages, that is very true, he gets to do things the average kid probably never will, but it is a fact of life for him now.”

“Rich step daddy.”

“Yes, no denying it.  It has been nice having him out of school for a while, we are off to California, then Houston, then New York to visit my dad.  We just take his laptop with us and he can work on the plane.”

“You have WiFi link up on the plane?”

“Sure, most private planes do.  It will be educational, the trip, I feel like he is learning more now.”

“Two doctors, I am sure you can help an 8 year old with home work.  So you have traveled a lot, you said you have been to Africa.”

“The Congo, Kinshasa and Kisangani mainly.  Then an IDP camp in Darfur, which is just below Egypt, near Chad.  Worked there off and on for a few years actually, interesting and scary wrapped up in one.”

“So you weren’t scared to go into that neighbourhood after dark.”

“Mmmm, a little but hey I was with the police, I wouldn’t just go there for kicks, and I knew Cosmo was there so I had to go.  You went too, didn’t see you diving for cover.”

“I felt safe in that big ass SUV you drive.  That is one nice ride.”

“Big, safe, drives well in the snow, all wheel drive with good snow tires. That one is Susan’s, I bought her a tank basically, she drives into the city with the kids all the time and I want them to be safe.  You’ll have to take her down to get it, because she loves it too.”

“She might be tougher than me.  You really love her, I can tell.”

“Oh yeah, I do and I am not scared to admit it.  I would do literally anything for her and she knows it, but she would do the same for me, and I know it.  It is a very equal relationship, I’ve met my match in more ways than one.  The love of my life, and I am never letting that girl go.  Well, there is our food, lets get the boys fed.”

* * *

 “Good night and thanks again, John, it has been a really good evening, despite the rocky start.  I appreciate everything.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Bye Cosmo!”  Mason waved with a smile and Cosmo waved back happily.

John pulled away from the curb, looking back as the boy closed his eyes.

“Tired?”

“Yeah, but it turned out being fun.  He’s actually not so bad once you get to know him, maybe mommy will let me have him out to the house to play.”

“Perhaps.  I think that would be nice, maybe we could take him out sailing or something when it warms up.  We will be gone for most of the month though, remember we are off to California, then Houston, then New York.”

“Wow, we are going to have fun.  Mommy said I might get to go to Disneyland!”

“We sure are and yes, mommy and I talked about Disneyland.  You can be my extra co pilot if you want, though you might have share with your brother.”

“John?”

“What?”

“You always call Devon my brother, he isn’t really though is he?”

“Well, he is, he’s your stepbrother because mommy and I are married, but it is easier sometimes just to call him your brother.  You live in the same house, I’m your step dad.  I know you are not related by blood, but, I like the idea that we are a family.  What do you think?”

“I like us being a family.  Ava isn’t my sister by blood either and you aren’t really her dad and mommy isn’t really her mom but she calls you mommy and daddy.”

“She is our daughter, just not by blood.  Remember we adopted her, kind of like we picked her special to be part of our family.”

“Oh.  I never thought of it like that before.  You call me your son sometimes too.”

“Easier than explaining all the time.  Does it bother you that I do that?”

“No, I kind of like it.  I wish...”  Cosmo stopped and looked out the window, scared to voice his thoughts.

“You wish what?”  John looked in the mirror at the boy, then back to the road.  “You can tell me you know.”

“I wish you were my dad.  My dad doesn’t love me as much as his other kids, but you treat me just like everyone else.  I like living with you and mommy.”

John was silent for a minute, a little surprised at the admission.

“I am in a way, Cosmo, though I can’t replace your dad for you, I am always here for you.  Kind of like your second dad.”

“What if you and mommy get a divorce, like she did with my dad or like Mason’s dad is with his mom?”

“Well, I hope that never happens, I love your mom a lot, buddy.  We have a good relationship and I don’t think you need to worry about us getting a divorce.  But I can tell you, if that were ever to happen, I would still be there if you needed me, you have become a son to me, and just like your brothers and sisters, I want to be there for you whenever you need something.”

“Really?  You wouldn’t just go away like my dad?  He doesn’t want me anymore, he’s busy with his new wife and kids.”

“I’m sorry.  I really am, and I understand, my dad wasn’t around much when I was a kid either, and I don’t ever want to do that to one of my kids, to any of my kids, and its...kind of like I’ve adopted you too, I choose for you to be my son and part of my family.  I like having you live with us, and I know your mom does too.  No matter what happens in the future, know that I love you.”

“Oh.  I love you too, John.”


	56. Come Away With Me

John brought the plane down smoothly on the landing strip, the engines thundering as they came to a halt.

“That was...oh wow, I don’t know how you keep so calm!”  Susan said from the jump seat after John had finished getting instructions from the tower. “That was really cool, I've never been in the cockpit during take off or landing."

“Anytime baby, well, maybe not anytime, you'll have to duke it out with the kids, but Cosmo was gracious enough to let you have the honours this time because it’s the first time you’ve been on the jet.”

Susan had insisted on sitting up front, which came as a huge surprise to John. She hated flying, though he had to admit she had gotten a lot calmer over the time they'd been together.

“I know, Dev and Cosmo have been on several times, but I was getting left behind.” 

“Don’t worry, you'll get a lot of rides on the jet.”

“I remember my wife was excited about it too the first few times I took her up flying.  Susan, you're very lucky, John has a gentle touch on the controls. That was a spectacular landing, especially for such a new pilot.”  Jimmy grinned over at John.

Susan smiled at the comment. John had a _gentle_ _touch_ no matter what he was doing, though she wasn't going to say _that_ out loud to Jimmy.

“Thanks Jimmy, I enjoy flying, and I appreciate you coming on these little voyages.”

“My pleasure John, and Cynthia is pleased too, since you let me bring her along this trip.”

“Well, it's an extended one, we won’t be back in Chicago for almost a month if you can believe it.  A few days here, enjoy the sunshine, much warmer than back East.”

John pulled the plane in as directed and then shut everything down, opening the hatch and putting down the stairs.

The cars he'd hired were waiting for them, the drivers already loading the luggage as Susan and John organized the kids with the help of Elise.  Both of them were grateful Elise was so willing to travel with them so often. It gave them a chance to have couples time, or some time with each child individually.  This trip it would be great, John would see the specialist and Susan wanted to take Cosmo to Disneyland. The rest of the kids were too small to go on many of the attractions and would stay with Elise.  

They soon arrived at the villa they’d rented, Devon and Cosmo jumping out of the car in excitement.

“Oh John, this is beautiful.” Susan wandered through once the luggage had been brought in and the kids set free to play. “Wow, look at the view!”

“Katie found it, you'll have to thank her. She's the best travel agent around. She got special tickets too, you're going to have a fantastic time at Disney with Cosmo.”

“I wish you could come too, baby.”

“We'll see.  Depends on what the doctor says tomorrow.  We talked on the phone and they think they can help, but I need to see them in person before they can tell me for sure. I might be able to go one of the days?  If not we'll plan Florida in a couple years when Dev is bigger and can go on more of the rides.”

* * *

The next day Susan and Cosmo set out for Disneyland, John dropping them off on the way in for his appointment.  Both nervous and hopeful, he checked in with the nurse at the clinic. He sat flipping through a magazines while he waited.

“John Carter?” He followed the nurse into the exam room. “If you can put on the gown there? The doctor will be in soon.”

John held up the hospital style gown with a sigh.  He hated these things and had been in far too many for his liking, but he complied. They needed to be able to see all of the scars and there were a lot of them.

The doctor came in and examined him, asking a few questions, then directed him to get dressed so they could talk in his private office.

“Well John, I think we can help. The incisions themselves were well done, someone took some pride in their work that's for sure.  We have a couple procedures we can try, non invasive, one with lasers I think would give you the best results.  Essentially we use them to stimulate the growth of fresh tissue to replace the scars.  We have a couple of topical compounds as well to help blend the scars into your existing skin tone."  The doctor handed over a summary sheet."  It's outpatient, we could do one while you are here this trip, give it a few weeks and then we'd need you back again.  It'll take a while, but in a few months we should have the scars pretty much matching your natural skin tone.  I see you're from Chicago, the good news for you is we're opening a clinic in New York next month. We can transfer your records there as soon as its open if you prefer?

“That would be great, it's much closer of course, I could do short trips there easier. Any risks to be aware of?”

“Minor, but we use very mild settings and the products we use have been used for other medical purposes for several years.  We'll do an allergy test today for the topical creams if you want to proceed, but we do that on everyone as a precaution. I've never seen anyone react to the compounds.  The only thing is to limit sun exposure on the treated areas for a while, you will not want to suntan, keep the time down for several months after we finish.  Then you should be able to have normal exposure, taking care not to burn, but of course we recommend that no one allows themselves to sunburn or get excessive sun.  Small amounts for a few minutes a day is fine of course, don’t over do it, and only a couple months after the treatments are finished.”

John asked a few more questions before booking an initial procedure for the next day.

* * *

Susan arrived at the Villa after dinnertime, a happy but exhausted Cosmo in tow.  He’d had a terrific time, having his mom all to himself for a whole day seemed like a treat now.  He loved his younger siblings, and both his mom and John were good about spending time with him, but still, having them give all their attention to him was nice when it happened.

“How are all my little people?”  Susan gave the kids hugs and kisses, then gave John his greeting.  “And how is my big person.  I missed you, but we had a lot of fun.” She wrapped him up in a big hug.

“Good, though Aiden will be happy to see mommy, he was a bit cranky about the bottles today.  Nothing like mommy.”

“Aha, let me have a really quick shower, I’m hot and kind of dirty from the park and I will sit with him and give him some mommy time.”

“Off you go then, I’ll pour you a cold drink and we saved you some dinner if you’re hungry.”

“Not too bad, but I could eat a bit, we had some dinner at the park.  Cosmo, you should go have a bath or a shower and put on some Pj’s, you look ready to go to sleep too.  Then have a snack if you're hungry, we have another fun day planned tomorrow.”

* * *

John walked through checking on each of the children, taking a few moments with each one.  He couldn't believe how big they were getting, especially Ava and the twins, who'd been part of his life since they were born.  He was grateful every day for his kids, and happy he could be there for them.  Health wise he was doing okay, his last round of tests coming up with good results.  His doctor had been impressed, telling him that he wished all his patients took such good care of themselves.

No small part of how he was doing he could attribute to his family and how happy they had made him.  It gave him a lot of motivation to take extra good care of himself.

“Coming to bed?” Susan wrapped her arms around him leaning into his back.

“Yes, had to do one last check, everyone's sleeping now. How about Aiden?” he whispered, not wanting to disturb them.

“I did a last feeding, he's down now too. Come to bed baby.”  Susan entwined her fingers with his and gave a gentle tug, leading him back to their bedroom.  He followed without a word, sliding his arms around her while pushing the door shut behind him.  

“Mmmm, this is nice.” John kissed her neck, brushing her hair out of the way to nibble at the nape, making Susan sigh softly.

“You know what that does to me?”  She turned in his arms, burrowing into his chest, resting her head against him. “So tired baby, and you know I have another week.”

John smiled and rubbed her back, squeezing her before releasing her. “I know. Why don’t you get some sleep?”

“Not until you tell me about your appointment.  We got so busy with the kids, and I didn’t want to bring it up in front of Cosmo or Dev.”  Susan peeled back the covers and sliding in while John changed.

“Good actually. He can help, so I'm going to do a treatment tomorrow.  Then we have to let things heal, I'll come back in a few weeks, though it might be in New York as they are opening a new clinic there. I'll need several treatments, but I guess we'll see how the initial ones go. Everyone responds differently, but it usually four or five treatments.”

“Tomorrow. So no risks? No surgery?”

“Nope, fractional laser, some antibiotic cream, some people experience pigmentation changes, but in this case that's kind of the point, for my back anyway.  I got an information sheet."  John handed it over for Susan to review. "Is it crazy?”

“No, John it’s not at all crazy. The scars don’t bother me, but they do bother you and for reasons I can understand.  We can afford it,and if it will make you happier?  Why not. You understood how I felt about my body after having the twins, I understand about this.  You've had some extremely difficult experiences. What did your doctor in Chicago say?”

“He said give it a try and he looks forward to seeing the results.  I talked to my therapist too, and she doesn’t think it would hurt either.  She said the same thing as you, its been a rough few years and why not do something for me. I know I've rebelled against the whole money thing for so long, and I don’t intend to hang out with the ‘upper social crowd’ as so many would call it. But why not enjoy some of it too, go big or go home I guess.”

“John. You've worked so hard for so long, and no one can deny your life has changed incredibly over the past few years.  As you say, life is too short for regrets and you know how I feel about the money.  I never expected to live like this, never in a million years, and we could be happy without it.  But you do so much every day for those who have nothing, or far less than us.  You've given up so much to be a doctor and you should never feel bad or guilty or wrong for enjoying your life and doing a few of the things you want to do for a change.”  

“I keep telling myself that.”

“Good.” Susan cuddled up to him as he crawled into bed with her. “We both know life is unpredictable and we don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow and we need to enjoy it while we can. I love you, I want you to be happy.”

“I'm so happy, Susan. I have so much, which is why I question doing something like this. You’re right, in the end I want our happy healthy little family. You and the kids mean everything, absolutely everything to me.  I love you too.”

“It’s nice to hear you say it.” She gave him a kiss. “You show it too, you were my rock when Cosmo went missing, I hear you gave those dogs a good run for their money.  You took a big risk going with them, and I know you did it for me.”

“Well yes, but I also did it for Cosmo. He's part of our family, and I'd never want anything happen to him. He was so worried we’d be mad, when all I could feel was relief he was all right.”

“He and I talked a bit today too, and he told me he wished you were his dad. He told you that right?”

“He did, and I told him I kind of was already, that I can’t replace Chuck but I am still here for him whenever he needs me.  I know you've already had a lot of conversations with Chuck about him needing more time with his son, I'm not sure how much more you can do. But you know Cosmo thinks his dad loves his new family more than him? That made me really sad, but I can relate, because my parents were never around either.  You though, you're such a good mom.”

“You're a great dad too.  I know Cosmo has been a bit down about Christmas, and I have to thank you.  Cosmo told me you said you'd always be there for him no matter what.  He asked about you and me, what would happen if we ever got a divorce.”

“What did you tell him?”

“That I hope it never happens, that I love you and we have a good marriage. I believe we will be together for a very long time.  He said you said pretty much the same thing when he asked you.”

“Its the truth, baby, and I want to be with you forever.”

John wrapped his arms around her, letting her snuggle close to him as they both drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Harper walked out of the hangar, excited to be on her way up to the gate.  John had brought Devon for a visit, though this time he had also brought his family.

So strange to her still, he had a family.  Finding out he had married Susan Lewis was crazy enough, but finding out they’d had twins, adopted, and then the last pregnancy really surprised her.  She knew of course Aiden was not planned, no woman in her right mind would have twins and then get pregnant again only four months later on purpose.  Not a doctor at any rate.  

John had filled her in on one of his visits, not in great detail, more just saying that the doctors office had made a serious error with their filing but they had decided to have the baby.  She had received a birth announcement and picture in the middle of January, and had to admit he made cute babies.

“Mommy!”  Devon raced towards her, a big smile on his face.

Tears came to her eyes, he was growing fast, talking in these big full sentences, and he seemed so full of joy and life every time she saw him.  John and Susan were doing a terrific job with her baby boy, though she missed him desperately.  The only consolation was that his daddy was taking such wonderful care of him and he had brothers and sisters to get to know.

Harper had grown up poor, as an only child, and she loved that her son had siblings.  Half siblings, adopted siblings and a step brother, but still, he was part of a big loving family, something neither she nor John had growing up.  She didn’t think she'd be able to have another baby if she tried, and with the new job she would never be able to go through a pregnancy anyway.  She was turning 40 and Devon was going to be it for her. She didn't even really have time for a proper relationship, though she dated now and then.

“Devon. Honey, how’s my big boy?”  She picked him up, hugging him tight.  She noticed John, Susan and Cosmo were giving her a little space to say hello.  “I have missed you so much!  We're going to have lots of fun this week though, did daddy tell you?”

“Yes, he said we were going to tour the Space Station and do some cool stuff.  Then I get to stay with you before we go to New York.”

“New York. Wow, and you just went to California too right?  Did you have fun?”

“Yes, daddy and Susan took Cosmo and me to Disney, and we went to the beach, though it was too cold to swim.  We went to Universal Studios too, and all the babies had to stay with Elise because they aren’t big enough to go on rides.  There were some I didn’t go on either, daddy said I wasn’t tall enough but he would take me again when I’m bigger. Cosmo got to go more times than I did and I had to stay with Elise cause daddy had appointments.”

“Uh huh, just for big kids right?  Sounds like you had a good time.” Harper put him down and took his little hand in hers, walking towards the small waiting group.

She was hesitant to hug John, she usually did when he brought Devon for a visit, but now of course Susan was standing there, and it made her a bit uncomfortable.  However John hugged her first, and he initiated it so Harper supposed Susan was okay with him showing her _some_ affection at least.  She gave him a squeeze before her released her, wishing it could have been longer.

Susan looked amazing, it was hard to believe the woman had given birth to four babies.  Harper noticed John was looking particularly good these days too, he looked so happy.  Susan made him really and truly happy, Harper knew this to be true and for this reason Susan had nothing to fear from her.  She loved the man and would not purposely interfere in his marriage.

“Hi Harper.”  Susan leaned in and gave the other woman a quick hug, which surprised Harper to no end.  Susan was a classy lady, and though she was quite sure John’s wife didn’t much trust her, she obviously trusted John.  She also was a wonderful stepmother to Devon, the little boy often said how much he loved living with daddy in Chicago.

“Susan.  Nice to see you, you look great!  How old is Aiden, 6 weeks now?   Wow, you need to teach me your secret.  Cosmo, you grew again!”

“Hi Harper.  I grew another inch since Christmas!”

“I can see that.  Well, lets go, I have a lot planned for us today.”

* * *

Susan sat feeding Aiden, watching her precious little boy, running a finger over his soft cheek and thinking that he was a miracle.  Unplanned, but definitely not unwanted, she could tell John loved the little boy as much as the rest of the kids.  As hard as that day had been when she found out she was expecting again, it drew them even closer if it was even possible.  

She could hear the voices from the deck outside, Harper had come back to the villa to join them for dinner, then she was taking Devon back to the base for a couple days.  Harper had really wanted to see the rest of the kids, and Susan had to admit, the woman was great with children, it was a shame she’d only been able to have one child.  

Devon was a sweet kid, and incredibly bright.  It was a bit scary in some respects, she wondered if intelligence was truly inherited or if it was a case of being nurtured by two incredibly brilliant parents.  Between Harper and John, if it was hereditary, the boy was going to be a force to be reckoned with as he grew up.  Time would only tell if the rest of the kids were going to follow suit or if Devon was the exceptional one.

The others were all quick too, Susan could see it already in their development, but Devon was a live wire, preferring to play with the older kids and trying to keep up with Cosmo when they were out.

It had been a full and busy day, very interesting, and Cosmo in particular had been enamoured with the whole idea of going into outer space.  They had seen and done a lot that most people would never see or do, the general public was never allowed back this far into the complex.   It was a bit awkward sometimes, hanging out with Harper, knowing the kind of relationship she’d had with John, that it had truly been a torrid affair from what she gathered.

Not that John ever shared details or anything, but she still thought of Harper as little bit of wild child, very free and uninhibited, and it made Susan a little insecure some days.  After all, as she had once said to John, his girlfriends in the past had all seemed to be beautiful women, intelligent women, and adventurous.  Harper kind of was the epitome of the kind of woman John loved, fitting perfectly into the mould.

“Good night Susan.”  Harper came in to the room.  “I have a bit of a drive back to the base, and I should get my little man into bed.  It was fun today, glad you could come this trip.

“Thanks, Harper, I had a great time and now we are done with babies, I might come down more often too.  Couldn’t fly for a while.”

“He is precious, reminds me of Devon when he was a baby.  I think Aiden is going to look like his daddy too, though his eyes are more like yours.  We will see you in a couple days?  John was going to drive up to the base and get Dev so I can have him the extra night, not sure if you are coming with him.  It will be early.”

“I don’t know, depends how early, but if I don’t see you, then take care and good luck with the training.  If it’s too early I might stay back with the kids.”

“You take care as well.”  Harper waved as she headed for the door, John helping her by carrying Devon out to the car.

“See you in a few days?  Dev might want to call and say goodnight.”  Harper leaned on her door after she had secured their son in his car seat.

“You have my number, and I will try to answer right away if I see it’s you on the display.  Be good for mommy, Dev.”

“I will, bye daddy.”  

Harper reached out and gave John the long hug she had been wanting to give him all day, reaching up to kiss his cheek.

“You be good and take care of those babies.”  Harper brushed her hand down his face.

“I will, and you take care of our baby.”  John gave her a quick kiss back.  “We’ll talk and arrange the pickup time.”

“Good night honey.”

"Good night Harper.”

John waved as they pulled out of the drive, then went back in.  Susan was rocking Aiden, the rest of the kids already tucked into bed.

“How’s he doing?”  John leaned in to give his wife a kiss, touching his son’s head gently.  “Falling asleep?”

“Almost.  Can you take him and put him to bed for me?”  Susan let him lift the baby out of her arms, watching as he cuddled the boy against him, the kiss he laid gently on his head.

“Come on little man, let’s put you in your bed.”

John loved the little baby smell, he felt like he could just sit and look at his son forever.  It had been a shock to find out they were having another baby, but it had worked out okay.  Susan had weathered the pregnancy better than he’d expected and she recovered quickly.  He had to wonder at fate, giving him another son, at how much things had changed in their lives.

He tenderly tucked the boy into the bassinet, lightly covering him with a small blanket, then brushing his hand lightly over the soft down on his head.

Susan adjusted her clothing and went to finish getting ready for bed as John took care of Aiden.  She loved to see him with his kids, he was so loving and gentle, and he truly enjoyed being a dad.  She sighed thinking about Chuck and Cosmo, how much he had wanted to have a baby, but how he had withdrawn from his son so much over the years.  Having her son say that he thought his dad didn’t love him as much as his new kids was truly upsetting, and she knew it was time for her and Charles to have another discussion about taking his son more.

She had offered to not take further child support in exchange for the sole custody, Chuck had been overjoyed to be off the hook financially.  Susan should have taken that as a sign, it was like her taking sole custody and how easily he gave it up was an omen.  That he was not going to make the effort to even see the boy, and he really was not even wanting to take Cosmo anymore.  Both she and John had offered to drive Cosmo down to Des Moines even, but still he was not proving to be the man she thought he was when they first married.

“He’s down, fast asleep.”  John came into the bathroom, picking up his toothbrush.  “You okay?”

“Sure.”  Susan smiled faintly and shrugged.

“Well _that_ was totally unconvincing.  What is going on in that brilliant mind of yours.”  He rubbed her arm, meeting her eyes in the mirror.  “Come on, spill it.”

“Just thinking about Cosmo and what he said about his dad not loving him as much as the new babies.  It makes me sad to hear my son say he doesn’t feel loved.  I am going to have to take a trip down to Des Moines and have a sit down with Chuck.  See if he might be able to step up a little bit.”

“If you think it will help, you should go after we get back from New York, call him and let him know you are coming.  Ideally you should talk to him on the phone and then take Cosmo with you for a visit, but I understand that might not work.  I would hate to see you drive all the way down and have him say nothing or disappoint Cosmo when Chuck decides not to spend the time with him."

“You’re right, maybe when I have a few quiet minutes I’ll call him.  When you are out, take the two boys with you and I can try and talk to him then.”

“Okay, maybe tomorrow I can take Cosmo out, since we don’t have Dev and you can have some quiet time.  Sound good?”

“Yes.”  

John finished his teeth and then pulled her in for hug.

“It’ll be okay, Cosmo will be fine, he has us, Susan.  He knows we are here for him, and as tough as it is to think your parents don’t care, he isn’t dealing with it alone.  You and I?  We dealt with most of it alone, with little support from anyone.  We did okay.”

“I know, but still, it makes me sad, Chuck is just too lazy to make the effort.  We even offer to do the driving and he still can’t manage to make time for his son.  Hard to believe, he wanted him so badly, you know?  He wanted to have a baby so much and now it’s like he couldn’t care less.  I don’t get it, I will never understand how he can change his mind so drastically.  The worst part is he’s gone ahead and had two more kids, is he going to cheat on her and abandon them too?  I am so angry I can barely breathe.”

“Sweetie.”  John rubbed her back gently.  “Don’t get all worked up about it, nothing you can do about it, aside from trying to get him to see how much his son needs that connection.  Otherwise one day he is going to be like my dad, trying to fix things 30 years later and he just might not be able to fix it.”

“I should get you to talk to him.  Give him a good slap upside the head.”

“I will if you really want me too, but I won’t be nearly as nice as you.  I might actually slap him, not sure that would be a good idea.”

“No, no.  Then he will be after you for money, just watch.  He is not at all who I thought he was.  He was so damn happy not to have to pay support, he kind of alluded to the fact that you are rich enough to take care of my son without his help.  Cosmo should not be your financial responsibility John, yet Charles was thrilled that he could pass it off on you.”

“I don’t care Susan, he’s your son, you are my wife, and we can afford it.  I am not complaining, I was the one who suggested you let Chuck off the hook and I can take responsibility for Cosmo.  He really is part of the family, remember when we first started seeing each other?  We talked about this, he is part of your life and as such I expected that he would be part of our life together.  I love him Susan, he's a great kid, and if Chuck can't see it he's a bigger fool that I thought.  He's a bit stupid, he gave up you after all, for _Janice_?"

Susan rolled her eyes.

"She's not that bad."

"But she's not you, Susan.  Though I guess I shouldn't talk, right?  I gave you up before, and I will never let that happen again."

"Or I gave you up.  I wish we had both tried harder, John, it would have saved us both a lot of heartache, but...what we have now is incredible."  Susan dropped her toothbrush back in the case, watching as he finished up."

"What?"

"Nothing...well, not nothing, just thinking how easy it is to be with you.  You always notice when I feel down, you are fantastic with our children, you listen.  So unusual for a man, I think I will keep you."

"Good."  John laughed.  "You are going to have to try super hard to get rid of me."

* * *

“John!”  Susan giggled as her grabbed her for kiss, then turned his attention back to the kids who were having a grand time in the park.  It was still chilly, only the beginning of March, but he had insisted they get all the kids out to play before they took them back to the apartment.  They were going with Jack for dinner at a upscale restaurant and they wanted to make sure the kids were ready for bed early.  Elise was wonderful but dumping six kids on her for the evening seemed a little unfair, it was a bit of teamwork to get them all to bed on time.

Elise was wonderful though, she never complained and the kids loved her.  They had given her the afternoon off and taken all the kids out, planning on meeting her back at the apartment around dinnertime.

Susan watched as he set out after Devon who was laughing at the chase he was leading his dad on.

John scooped up Devon who almost ran into a well dressed woman going by on the sidewalk.

“Sorry, sorry.  Dev, you need to watch where you are going.”  John apologized to the woman as he tucked Devon against him.  “He’s a little...”

John trailed off as he met the woman’s eyes, she was staring at him like she’d seen a ghost.  He could not help but freeze up, her eyes, they were...Lucy’s eyes.

“Dr. Carter?”  The woman frowned.  “Are you John Carter?”

“Mrs. Knight.”  John recognized her, even though it had been years since he last saw her, even though Lucy had been blond, the eyes were the giveaway.

“Barbara.  Please call me Barbara.”  Barbara Knight was staring now at Devon who looked at the woman curiously, his deep brown eyes thoughtful.  “Is this your son?”

“Devon, yes.  How have you been?”  John put down the squirming boy.  “Go back to Susan, Dev.”  He glanced over to make sure the small boy got back to his wife safely.

“Okay.  How have you been?”

“I’m all right.” He didn’t quite know what to say.

“You got married, you have a family?”  She looked at his left hand and then looked over at Susan and the kids. “Is that your wife?”

“Yes, Susan and yes, I do have a family.”

“Could I meet them?  Sorry, that sounds like such a strange request doesn’t it. You barely know me, I’m sorry if that seems presumptuous.  It’s....I’m sorry I should go.”

“No, wait. Barbara.”  John reached out and touched her shoulder. “You really want to meet them?”

Barbara stopped and turned to look up at him. “I do, it seems so strange right?  I’ve thought about you over the years, wondered how you were, if you were happy.  You know, Lucy really did talk a lot about you, you were her favourite resident, she loved working with you and she loved her work.  I’ve always appreciated how kind you were, you know, that day I visited you.  I thought a lot about it afterwards, and I always felt so bad for being so thoughtless.  What you went through...but I understand if you find it too strange.  And I'm not sure how your wife will feel about it.  Does she know?

“Susan? Yes, she knows, I’ve known her a very long time, we’ve talked about it.  She'd be okay, I’m sure, she’s a very compassionate and caring woman.”

“It wouldn’t be too weird?”

Susan watched from across the park, John talking to an attractive older woman who he seemed to know.  One that kept looking over at her, and she wondered who she was.  She was pulled back to watching the kids, Cosmo was playing with the twins and Ava, Aiden was in the stroller and Devon had now joined Cosmo.  She had to keep a head count, they could wander off so quickly and this was New York city, not a place to let your kids wander freely.

John was coming back her way, Susan supposed she was going to meet this mystery woman who had accompanied him.

“Barbara, this is Susan Lewis.  Susan, this is Barbara Knight.”

Susan smiled and held out her hand, not quite placing the name.

“Nice to meet you.”

* * *

 Susan excused herself to feed Aiden when they got back to the apartment, to her surprise John had invited Barbara to come up for coffee.  She knew they would need to get ready for dinner soon, but she didn’t protest, though she was curious initially.  Then Barbara said something about Lucy and it came into clear focus, this was Lucy’s mother, the medical student who had died.

How John knew Barbara, she didn’t ask, she just went along with things.  John had his reasons, and she would find out later. 

Barbara walked into the apartment, checking out the view as John talked to Elise quickly.  She put on some coffee, while John sent the boys to wash hands, and helped get the twins and Ava ready for dinner and up to the table.  Elise had dinner ready and she waved him off to go talk to Barbara, taking over feeding the children.  She was a pro at handling the young ones and they were all practically feeding themselves now.

"Go entertain your guest John, you know I can manage the babies."

“This is a really nice place.”  She looked out over Central Park, wondering at how this young doctor had access to such a fancy apartment, she knew it had to be worth millions, it was a very decent size with a large balcony, some of the priciest real estate in Manhattan.  It sat high up in secured building with a doorman.

“Thank you.” John set the coffee cups on the coasters, inviting Barbara to sit.  “Sorry, just had to get things organized with the kids.”

“No, don’t worry, it was kind of you to invite me in.  You don’t know me that well.  You have a lovely family John.  A very young family, but beautiful children.”

“Yes, well, Susan and I haven’t been married that long, its a bit of a story really, but...how have things been for you?  You live in New York now?”

“Yes, I moved up here for a job.  Without Lucy though it has been difficult, I am sure you appreciate that.”

“I understand, losing a child...well, not easy.  I still think about her sometimes, kind of hard to forget the whole thing.  She would have been a really good doctor.”

“She was a stubborn little thing, I bet you already knew that though.  She told me a lot, Lucy did, we were very close.  She cared, John, she would be glad you were okay, that you have found happiness.  You look happy.”

“It has not been easy, but yes, I am happy now.  It’s not always been the case, it took time to get past it.  Susan though, she is just terrific and my kids, I am grateful every day for my family.”  He looked up as Susan came out.

“I just need a quick shower, can you take Aiden?”

“Sure.” John took the baby boy, snuggling him in the crook of his arm comfortably.  “Take your time.”

Barbara watched as Susan disappeared back into the bedroom.

“He’s precious, seems like forever since Lucy was a baby, I had hoped one day she would get married and have a family.  Who knows if she would have, she would be almost 40 now.”

“Maybe, I remember her telling me that you were such a strong and independent lady that she wasn’t sure she saw the need for a partner.  But, she was young, so she could easily have changed her mind.  Thing about being a medical student, or a resident, you often put those things on hold.  It is hard to have a relationship when you are working 95 hours a week, becoming a doctor can consume your life.”

“I’m sure, and she wanted to do psychiatry, so she would have been over 30 before she was done residency.  She would have made it though.”

“Yes, I am certain she would have done just fine.”

“Where do you work now?  Still at County?”

“No, I left a while ago, though I did go back after I recovered and became Chief Resident eventually, then an Attending, but my life changed and I decided to leave.  I ended up working in Africa for a few years, now I am back in Chicago, but right now I am on Sabbatical, doing some publishing.  Trying to spend time with my family.”

“Africa.  That would have been interesting.  Where in Africa?”

“The Congo and Darfur, which in the Sudan.  It is nice to be home, though, its rough over there, and of course now with Susan and the kids, I would not go back.  How about you?”

“Oh, not much to report.  I just recently came to New York for work, just settling in really.  My sister lives here, so it is nice to be close to family.  Are you just up here on holiday?”

“Yes, and my dad lives here.”  John heard the front door.  “In fact that is probably him, but he is a bit early.”

Jack Carter came around the corner stopping when he saw John sitting holding Aiden and talking to the attractive older woman.

“Jack, you’re early.”

“Sorry, I just thought I would see my grand kids before they all got sent off to bed.”

“Barbara Knight, this is my dad, Jack Carter.”

“Very nice to meet you.”

The two exchanged pleasantries.

“You should be getting ready.”  Jack looked at John’s casual attire.  “Let me have the little guy, and you go get dressed.  Barbara, you should join us for dinner.”

Barbara looked surprised.

“I wouldn’t want to interrupt your evening.  I just happened to run into John over at the park and he kindly invited me in for coffee, but I don’t want to impose.”

“Nonsense.  If you don’t have plans for the evening, please do join us.”

Barbara looked over at John who could not help but smile.

“Absolutely.  If you don’t have plans that would be nice.”  John stood, holding out a small blanket for Jack.  “Better put this over you, he just ate, he will drool all over your suit.”

"I would survive, John.  A little baby drool never hurt anyone."

John had to raise an eyebrow at the one, which Jack noted.  He had always been so finicky about his attire, he supposed the incredulity John was displaying was not unwarranted, and this was a very expensive Hugo Boss suit.  He shrugged out of his jacket and hung it carefully then took the offered blanket.

They transferred the baby boy over and John went to check on Elise and the kids.  She was ready to take the twins and Ava for baths, Devon and Cosmo were already in the tub.  He wandered into the bedroom, Susan was showered and working on her hair and makeup.

“Where’s Aiden?  Did I hear Jack?”

“Uh huh, he came a bit early to see the kids if you can imagine, and he invited Barbara to join us for dinner.  He wanted to hold Aiden too.”

“Really?  Does he know who she is?”  Susan put in her diamond earrings then turned so John could fasten her necklace for her.

“I don’t think so, but I couldn’t very well drag him aside and explain it so we will see how long it takes for him to figure it out.  In the meantime I have been ordered to shower and dress for dinner so we are not late for our reservations.  I think Jack likes her.”

“What?”  Susan glanced over as John started to strip down for the shower.  “Are you serious?”

“Oh yeah, just wait.  He took one look at her and practically fell all over himself inviting her to join us.  That is just weird.”

“Why, because you and Lucy had a thing?”

“We did not have a _thing_ , Susan.”

“Really.  So nothing happened in Exam 6?  Chuny seems to think you and Lucy had a thing.”

"Chuny has an overactive imagination, and _she_ wanted us to have a thing, but Lucy was my student, I supervised her and we _did_ _not_ sleep together.  Get that out of your mind, I was dating Roxanne at the time Chuny seemed to think this _thing_ happened.  Why are you talking to Chuny about my love life anyway?”

“Roxanne.  Right.  Go shower.”  Susan avoided the question as he flicked on the water and stepped in.  “So is she coming to dinner?”

“Oh I am sure Jack will talk her into it.  It’s fine, keep Jack off my case about life in general.”

“He’s been better John, admit it.  He’s trying.”

“Okay, he’s trying, showing up early to see the kids?  That’s new, I think the reason he’s trying so hard is he wants to be around our kids.”

“I think he wants to get to know you too, he admits he doesn't know you like he should.  Maybe he finally figured out that family is more important than money?”  Susan called in to him as she put the finishing touches.

John washed his hair quickly, then stepped out, inspecting his face in the mirror.

“Yes, you need to shave.”  Susan ran the back of her hand down his cheek.  “You didn’t this morning and you are scratchy.”

“Yes dear.”  John joked, grabbing her and rubbing his face against her.  "Don't think I am going to forget the question about Chuny.

“John!  I just did my makeup, stop it.”  Susan laughed and playfully pushed him away, walking off into the bedroom to dress. 

John followed her with his eyes, knowing she was avoiding the question.  He would get the information out of her sooner or later.

* * *

Barbara looked up as the younger couple came into the room, taking in the well cut suit and the stunning red dress Susan was wearing. She didn’t miss the sparkle around her neck or in her ears, earrings and a necklace that were clearly real diamonds.

Barbara had coerced Jack into letting her hold Aiden, she noted the diamond rings on Susan’s hands as she took the baby boy from her.

“I’ll put him to bed then we can go.”  Susan smiled and took her son back into their room, tucking him into the bassinet gently.

Barbara was well dressed, but she felt a touch _under_ dressed beside the other three, but Jack had talked her into going to  dinner with them.  She hoped she wasn’t imposing and John was just being too polite to say so.  

“Car is here.”  John looked at his phone quickly as it buzzed, and went off to say good night to all the kids, as did Susan.  Once they were back, Jack took a turn seeing the kids, while John helped the ladies with their coats. He made sure he had his wallet and apartment keys, escorting Susan to the elevator, watching his dad with Barbara.  He was trying not to let the smile take over, he could just tell his dad was already quite taken with the woman.

Barbara was surprised to see the limo waiting in front of the building, the driver standing by the back door.  John assisted Susan into the car, then held out his hand to Barbara, Jack following with John sliding in last, the driver closing the door carefully behind him.  

She observed and noticed that the other three seemed quite used to the limo, though she had only ever ridden in one once, a very long time ago.

“Nice to have a car for the evening.”  She commented.

“Driving and parking in Manhattan is impossible, always best to let someone else do the driving.  A lot of the population who lives here don’t even own cars, it is actually cheaper to take taxis or hire cars.”  Jack responded.  “You said you’ve only been here a short time?”

“Yes, I have a tiny little apartment, not a bad area but the rent is astronomical especially considering how big the place isn't.  I don’t know how you manage that apartment you have John.”

“My grandparents bought it a very long time ago, got in early, even before it went Coop.  They loved coming out to New York and preferred it to staying at a hotel.”  John met the woman’s eyes.  “I would probably be staying in a hotel if we didn’t have the apartment, we aren’t here all that much but I am reluctant to sell it.”

“You’d better not sell it John, I think you’d regret it.”  Jack tried to keep his voice level.  

He was still a bit peeved that John had literally given away his mother’s house, though in retrospect he supposed he understood that the house was too big for John.  Especially back then, he was planning to be overseas most of the time, and of course then they’d lost the baby.  He remembered his mother rattling around the big house after his father had died, and the fact that John had started staying out there quite a bit to keep an eye on her as her heath deteriorated.

“Oh don’t worry Jack, I’m not planning on selling it anytime soon.”  John tried not to snap at him, he could feel Susan squeezing his hand, warning him not to get into it. “Where were you living before New York, Barbara.”

“Minnesota.  Minneapolis.  I don’t know if you have spent any time up there?”

“No, can’t say that I have.  I’ve been to most states, but not Minnesota.”

Barbara felt even more under dressed as they arrived at the restaurant, they checked their coats and were led to a well situated table.  Jack pulled out her chair for her, she noted how well mannered John was as well, making sure his wife was seated comfortably before taking his place at the table.  She thought she understood why her daughter had been so drawn to the young doctor.  She had noted when she visited him in the hospital that he was certainly good looking, and that had not changed, but there was something about him.  

He was very kind, very warm, seemed a genuinely caring person.  Jack was a bit more difficult to figure, she could sense a certain amount of tension between him and his son, and the use of ‘Jack’, as opposed to dad seemed bit telling to her.  She had been extremely close to Lucy when she had been alive, but John seemed distanced from his father, though he was very loving to Susan.  

As the evening progressed, she could tell she was right, she didn’t think the two were all that close.  It seemed like they skirted certain topics, though the conversation flowed freely.  She enjoyed a couple of glasses of very nice wine, had an amazing dinner, and enjoyed herself immensely.  She was even more surprised that John was the one who picked up the bill, not Jack.  He scanned the bill very quickly then slid a black credit card into the folder, and Barbara figured he had done pretty well for himself.

This was not an inexpensive place, and she figured the bill must be at least $4-$500 at the very least, but John did not even twitch.  She remembered Lucy saying something about his family being fairly well off, so she supposed that he had grown up with the lifestyle. 

“We were going to listen to some music at a small club, do you like Jazz?”  John asked Barbara as they wound down the meal.

“I do like jazz, yes.”  She had been having a great time, and found both men quite charming and social, and she quite liked Susan, who had a quick wit and never seemed to be at a loss of what to say.

“You should join us.”  John invited her, thinking that she and his dad had gotten along pretty darn well and it was nice to have the buffer between them.  It could still get tense at times and Susan was marvelous at diffusing things but he wanted to be able to enjoy the rest of the evening without to much pressure on his wife.

It might also give Jack the chance to dance and let Susan and John have some time on the floor as well.

“Are you sure?  You were to have a family dinner.”

“No, it was nice that you could join us.  It’s pretty casual there.”  Jack jumped in and added his invitation, wondering just what his son was up to, though he had to admit Barbara was a very nice woman.  And attractive too, he mused, he knew he needed to find out exactly how John knew her.

“I am just going to freshen up before we go.”  Susan smiled as John stood with her and pulled out her chair.  She was getting a bit spoiled, he was so attentive every time they went out and never failed with his manners.

“I’ll join you.”  Barbara left with Susan to the ladies room, while the two men went to retrieve coats from the coat check.

“She’s quite the woman.  I still don’t quite understand how you know her.”  Jack said quietly to his son. 

“She’s Lucy’s mom?  The medical student that died?”

“Oh, _oh_ , the one who was stabbed by the same patient?”  Jack had a sudden flash of insight, they had talked a bit about Lucy, but he had not asked too many questions.

“That’s the one.  I only met her the one time, but she recognized me when we were at the park and we started to talk.  I wasn’t expecting you to invite her to dinner, not like I know her all that well but she had it rough, she lost her only daughter, her only child actually.”

“Something we both can relate to, the loss of a child.  Why did you invite her to the club?”

“You seem to be getting along, she’s just moved to New York, why not?”

Jack laughed and shook his head.

“Ah, my son is fixing me up?  Isn’t that a bit weird for you?”

“No, why would it be?  I'm not fixing you up in any case, she just seemed to be enjoying herself.”

“You and this Lucy, you weren’t...involved?”

“No, we were not _involved_.  I was her supervisor, Jack, we were friends and colleagues but I didn’t sleep with her if that is what you are asking.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know, you seemed to have a tough time with her dying, I assumed you were an item.”

“No.  But I was her supervisor that day.  Let’s not get into this now, okay?  Not a good time to discuss it, I just want to have an evening out.”  

“Fine, fine.  Here are the ladies back anyway.”

* * *

 Susan moved closer, letting John wrap his arms around her as they let the music flow over them.

“Did you tell him?”

“Tell who what?”

“Your dad.  Who she is.  He seems different around her all of the sudden.”

“Yes, he asked me how I knew her while you two were in the ladies room, so I told him.  He seemed okay about it, started asking questions, but I told him later.  Can we not talk about Lucy?  I just want to have a nice night out with my wife.”

Susan looked up at him, reaching up to brush her fingers down his cheek, then wrapping a hand around his neck, rubbing gently before she leaned into him again.  She inhaled deeply, relaxing in his embrace.

John pulled her a little closer, resting against her hair, not thinking too much, instinctively moving with the music.

Jack and Barbara had returned to the table, Barbara surreptitiously watching John with his wife.

“He loves her, doesn’t he?”  She finally said, startling Jack slightly.

He followed her gaze to where his son was dancing with Susan.

“He does, and she seems to love him back, so I guess it’s all good.  I never thought I would see him so settled, he has gone through some rough times over the past few years, but always manages to land on his feet somehow.”

“I visited him in the hospital, when I was in Chicago for the memorial for my daughter.  He was...so kind to me, even though I could see he was in pain, he seemed so troubled, and I wish...I could have said something to make him feel better.  Funny thing is he ended up trying to make me feel better, and it helped, even though in retrospect I knew he was lying to me.  It was unfair, what I asked him, but I was not thinking clearly.  Losing a child is so unimaginably painful.”

“Yes, I know.  People can say they are sorry, all the condolences in the world cannot ever make you feel better.  Like I said to John at one point, there are no words.”

“You lost a child?”

“My son Bobby, he died when he was 12 after a short but brutal illness.  John was not quite 11, he and his brother were very close, and it was hard on him, though at the time I didn’t see it.  I was too wrapped up in my own pain and trying to console my wife...who is now my ex-wife.”  Jack felt the need to clarify his single status.

“So he understands to a certain extent.”

“No, he totally understands, Barbara.  He’s lost a child too, his son, with his first wife.  He has seen too much loss in his life, some days I wonder how he manages to get past it all.  That is why seeing him finally happy, truly happy is such a blessing."

“Oh.  I didn’t know that, but he seems like a natural with the kids.  He said he and Susan have not been married that long, and of course the kids are all so young, I almost wondered how it was possible.”

“The one little girl Ava, was adopted, and add in a set of twins, then Aiden who seems to have been a bit of a surprise package.  Cosmo, the eldest is Susan’s son from her previous marriage, Devon, the 3 year old is John’s from a previous relationship.  The twins and Aiden the baby were quite close together, but I haven’t gotten into that with John, he and I haven’t been all that close.  My fault really, but I am trying to fix things.”

“Lucy and I were always very close, I had her quite young, when I was 19.  Her dad left us, and she was all I had,  He was not ready to be a father, he was barely 19 as well.  We didn’t have much but we were happy, and she used to call me all the time.  I miss her more than I can say.  She was quite taken by John though, I’ve always wondered if she’d lived...if there might have been something there.”

Jack was a little taken aback by this statement.

“You think that there was something...romantic going on between them?”

“No, no, he refused to get involved with her, being her supervisor, Lucy told me that there were rules about that kind of thing at the hospital.  It makes sense of course, he had to evaluate her work."

"Right, he mentioned he had been her supervisor and it makes sense, kind of a bad idea, getting involved with the boss."

"Exactly, and ethics is a big deal in medicine.  Still, Lucy always said there was an attraction, a ‘spark’ she called it.  They fought like cats and dogs a lot of the time, but then he would do something that surprised her, in a good way.  She said there were days that they got along incredibly well, then she would do something that annoyed the heck out of him.  The whole opposites attract scenario, she cared about him a lot, talked about him incessantly.  Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but she had a lot of respect for him, said he was an amazing doctor and she learned a lot being his student.  But I think she had a bit of a crush going on too, I somehow think she would have pursued it if he had been more open to it, or maybe after she graduated and was no longer his student.”

“No, I am glad you told me.  You were very close to Lucy, but I have not been so fortunate, I feel I am getting to know my son in many ways.  I admit after Bobby died we didn’t spend enough time with John, and he drifted away from us.  Again, my fault, my wife and I traveled a lot, he went to boarding school the year after his brother died.  We didn’t come home as much as we should have, he spent a lot of time with his grandparents, my mother and father, he was closest to his cousin Chase and his grandmother.  They are both gone now and it set him adrift for a while.  Best I can describe it, very complicated.”

“You said you are trying to fix things?”

“Yes.  I have not been a very good father to him, and his mother is pretty much out of the picture.  She kind of dropped out of his life a few years ago, and now he refuses to even see her.  Not that I blame him, I won’t get into that either in detail, but she can be quite selfish and he has no time for it.  I have been trying to atone for my behaviour, but I have a lot to make up to him, and I don’t know if I will ever be completely forgiven.  He has turned out to be a far better person than me, so maybe the fact that we weren’t around was a blessing in disguise.”

“You think so?  I hope you can repair things Jack, I don’t know all his medical details, but when I talked to Kerry Weaver after the incident, she was very upset.  She focused on Lucy when she spoke to me of course, but when I found out John had been hurt as well, I did have to ask and it was touch and go for a while with him too.  The only thing I can say to you is don’t ever stop trying.  Lucy was barely 25 years old and she was taken far too young.  Your son was lucky to have survived, that you still have him in your life is a miracle.  I would give anything to have my Lucy back.  I am sure you understand, given you lost a child.”

Jack nodded, knowing she was right.  He had finally come to the same conclusion, especially after John told him how sick he had been.  Jack had done some research, asking his own doctor, and realized that it had probably been far worse than John had admitted.  That he got to the top of the UNOS that quickly list meant he had been in full kidney failure and could easily have died waiting for a transplant.  Even with the transplant, he still had risks and Jack had been dismayed to learn the statistics, suddenly so much of what his son was doing in his life made sense.  His son knew his odds of survival and was making changes to increase his chances.  Even John cutting Eleanor out of his life came into clear focus for Jack, he simply could not deal with the stress and upheaval that came with his mother being around.

He remembered talking to John to tell him about the divorce and warning him his mother was an emotional vampire.  This was the truth, and he was glad John had recognized it. 

“I made myself a promise not to give up on him, to try and fix things, to be there in a way I never was when he was younger.  He has Susan, and his family, but I know if I don’t make the effort I will always regret it.  I hear you  Barbara, I do, and I know you are right.”

* * *

 “We’ll drop you off, then I will take Barbara home.  You are much closer than either of us, save the driver back tracking.”  Jack offered.

John knew Susan was tired, and Barbara seemed fine with the arrangement so he agreed.

“Sounds good, I bet Aiden will be up soon, it would be nice to be there.”  John pulled out a card and handed it to Barbara.  “If you are ever in Chicago look me up.  It was good to see you.”

“You too John.  Thank you for the lovely evening, and very nice to meet you Susan.”

They said their good nights and Susan and John were soon in the elevator going up to the apartment.

“Mmm, that was fun.  I think I had a few too many though.  I think I am going to get our son drunk when I feed him.”

John dropped a kiss on her hair.  

“I don’t think you had that many, baby, I think you are just tired.”  

They quietly unlocked the door and entered the silent apartment.  John peeked in on the older kids while Susan went into the bedroom to check on Aiden.

“He’s fast asleep.”  Susan said quietly when John came in.

“So is everyone else.”  He pushed the door shut, turning the lock, shrugging out of his jacket and taking off his tie.  “Silence, ahhh.”

“A rarity for us these days.”  

Susan went in to freshen up, coming back out as John was putting on some very soft music, the lights in the room dim.

She walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around from behind, starting to work on his shirt.  He turned, letting her pull his head down for a kiss, before she let her dress slither to the floor in a silky pool.

“I love these silky little bits you wear.”  John ran his hands down her sides, caressing her neck with his lips, nibbling across her collarbone.

“I thought you didn’t sleep with really drunk women.”  Susan giggled.  “Last time I was this drunk you said no.”

“Not quite the same thing, its not our first time, you're my wife now.   Are you going to regret it in the morning if I make love to you?”

“Never.”  She whispered.  “I’m not that drunk either.”

She was working on his buckle, letting his pants drop, his shirt already discarded on the floor.  She tipped her head up, letting him kiss her thoroughly, before he flipped back the covers, laying her down on the bed.  Susan pulled him down, his weight and warmth covering her, sliding her hand down to stroke him, guide him into her.

They both moaned softly as he started to move, Susan wrapping a leg around him, arms curling around his back, caressing his smooth warm skin.  Susan sighed, letting her hips meet the slow sensuous strokes, meeting his lips, their tongues searching and probing.  They took their time, their eyes meeting and locking, hands entwining as they slowly made love to each other.

She curled up against him afterwards, feeling warm and content in his arms.

"Get some sleep."  John murmured against her hair, barely able to keep his own eyes open.  "I love you baby."

"I love you too."

* * *

Susan woke up a couple hours later, hearing Aiden whimpering, but realizing that John was not beside her in the bed.

"Someone needs mommy."  John said softly, sitting on the bed beside her.

"I heard him, but I must have been really out, you were already up."

"Mmhm, he needed a change, so he's all nice a fresh, so your turn."  John laid him on the bed beside her, letting her take over as he went out to check on the other kids.  He was soon back, sliding into the bed, reaching over to run a finger down their son's cheek as Susan cuddled the baby between them.

"Everyone else still asleep?"

"Yeah, I think the trip to the park had the desired effect.  On me too, I was exhausted, sorry for falling asleep on you like that."  John knew Susan liked to have the quiet moments after making love, to talk, to just be close to each other.

"I have to admit I fell asleep right away too, that trip to the park tired everyone out, not to mention the fact it was almost 2 am when we got home.  It was nice that Jack dropped us off first."

"Uh huh.  No one seemed to mind the arrangements, it was nice to get you home, you looked so damn sexy in that dress."

"Oh, so you agreed because you wanted to sleep with me."  Susan teased.

"I _always_ want to sleep with you, baby."  John looked at the clock.  "5 am.  This is going to a rough one, unless all the kids sleep in, we are going to be running on about 2 hours sleep.  I am supposed to meet Jack for breakfast at his place."

"Why in the world did you agree to that, knowing we were going out late?"

"I have not idea, I guess I just feel like he has been trying and he wanted us to talk, just the two of us.  Since we are in New York, he seems to want to be with us all the time?  We are only here a few days."

"Makes sense, you are both trying then, though there were a couple of rough spots last night, his comment about the apartment, I thought the two of you were going to fly off the handle."

"Yeah, it was close, but I could feel you squeezing my hand for dear life reminding me we had a guest?  She wasn't oblivious to the fact that Jack and I are not all that close, she had a very good relationship with her daughter so it must be hard to fathom."

"How do you know?"

"Oh, you know, those roof top talks?  Lucy used to go up there a lot, I must have been just as bad as Benton at some points, we had our moments, believe me.  The roof was where we managed to generally put it all aside, though there were a few times it was just a great place to yell at each other."

"Huh.  If you listen to Chuny she seemed to think you two had chemistry."

"Our relationship was volatile at best, Susan.  Chemistry?  I don't know...maybe.  Maybe that's why we fought so much, or maybe we were too much alike, she was stubborn and often just did her own thing, and was not all that good at listening at times."

"And you never slept with her...absolutely nothing happened between the two of you?"

Susan was curious, Chuny had said a couple things that made her suspect that something had gone on, even if they hadn't actually had sex.

"Why are you talking to Chuny about me and Lucy anyway?  Can't the woman let it rest already?  Lucy died over 10 years ago."

"Don't worry, it was more a couple of comments that Chuny made, it wasn't meant to be anything aside from a little joke she made, we didn't sit down and discuss it, though you are avoiding telling me something, John.  I can tell when you are being evasive, you are a terrible liar."

"Just what did Chuny say?"

"She said something about the little scar you have right...there."  Susan gently ran her finger on his shoulder.  "She things it looks like someone bit you, and for some reason she thinks Lucy bit you and it's from her."

"No, this isn't a bite mark from Lucy."  John knew what she was looking at, and it was _not_ Lucy who had bit him.  Not there anyway, Lucy had bit his neck and not nearly hard enough to leave a permanent mark.

"Who bit you?"  Susan was still tracing the tiny mark.

"Susan, stop."  John took her finger and nibbled it, trying to distract her.

"Come on, who is the little wild cat that left that kind of mark?"

"Uh uh.  Stop it."

"Hm, it looks like it is not that old, maybe 3 or 4 years?"  Susan suddenly knew.  "It was Harper, right?  Harper bit you hard enough to leave a scar?  Wow, yeah, okay, I do not want to know."

John didn't confirm or deny the allegation, but she was right, it had been Harper.  Along with some really good nail marks on his back, but those had healed completely, fortunately.  He was not going to get into it with Susan.

"Susan, do you really want to know these things?  You drive yourself crazy, why?  Asking me about Lucy, and you get a little nuts about Harper sometimes."

Susan felt very emotional suddenly and she couldn't help the tear that escaped and trickled down her face.

"Hey, baby, why are you crying."  John reached out and caught the tear, brushing it away.

"I see how she is with you, I try John, but she's so damn perfect, you know?  She's so your type, and you had this...really hot affair with her, don't even deny it.  It is just so hard to see you around her, knowing how you were with her."  Susan felt another tear escape.

John didn't even know what to say to her, what she was thinking.  'How you were with her'?  He wasn't sure how to respond to her words, to her pain, because he couldn't deny any of it.  Susan didn't even know the half of it, and he would never tell her, though it was clear she was imagining what might have happened.

He brushed the tears away, pushing back her hair, tucking it back, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"Baby, you have to stop.  I love you.  I don't know what else to say, just...I'm with you, I love you, and I can't change my past.  I can't even say that I won't see her anymore, you know that she will be part of my life, we have a child that we have to put first.  It's you that I love, Susan, you that I married, you're the one I come home to, the one I want to wake up with every morning.  You really do not have to worry about Harper."

"I wish I could believe it.  I don't trust her John, and...you know when we found out I was pregnant with Aiden, all I could think is thank goodness Harper is far, far away.  I feel like...if something goes wrong with us, you are going to end up going to Harper."

"Why would you think that?  Susan, why in the hell would ever think that?"  John sat up.  "You trust me so little that you think that if you and I have a fight I am going to end up in bed with Harper?  Fucking hell, Susan, what is going on in your head?"

Susan could feel the tears running freely, and she sniffled, knowing he was furious now, but she was powerless to say anything.

"Nothing?  You can't even say anything?  Wow, I thought you had a little more faith in me than that, I don't even know what to say."  Before she could even form a thought he was out of bed and was pulling on some jeans and a shirt, he picked up his keys and wallet.

"John, don't."  Susan whispered, but he was already out the door, she could hear the click as he walked out the front door.


	57. Please Forgive Me

John wandered aimlessly in the cool morning, glad he'd grabbed a jacket on the way out the door.  If nothing else the fresh air was helping him calm down, he'd lost it so quickly with her, and he wasn't sure why.  He didn't know why he had gotten so upset so fast at Susan. 

He needed to talk to someone, and the only one even close right now was Jack, but he was unsure he could drop in this early.  It was still chilly, it was only early March.  March.  Almost their first anniversary.

He ran his fingers through his hair, and realized he was almost right outside Jack's apartment now, and he was getting cold. Maybe? The doorman gave him a once over as he went into the lobby.

"John, to see Jack Carter."  The doorman eyed him, but rang the apartment. John knew he had that 'just rolled out bed look'. 

"Go on up sir."  The doorman hit the elevator button and John stepped in, leaning against the wall.  He wasn't sure why he was even here, he should have gone back home, but he wasn't quite ready.

His dad opened the door, he had that 'just rolled out of bed look' too, which wasn't surprising as it was barely 6 am.

"John.  I thought we were having breakfast at 8."  Jack ran his eyes over his son curiously, noting that he didn't even remotely look dressed to go out.  He looked like he had thrown his clothes on, and seemed upset.  "Come in."

"Sorry, it's too early.  This was a bad idea."  John had an eye for detail and he noted the extra coat on the rack.

"No, no don't be silly, you're family, John.  Is something wrong?"  Jack could see the signs, he was betting something had happened between John and Susan.

"Yes...no...I don't know.  It's just...stupid."  John suddenly didn't know what to say, why he was here, he should go home and talk to his wife.

"Jack, who is it so early."  The woman's voice came from the kitchen, and John looked up as Barbara came around the corner.

She halted, staring at John as the flush ran up into her cheeks.  He could see his dad out of the corner of his eye, and could tell he was really embarrassed, his son had caught him out.  After all the lectures about his supposed womanizing and here was his dad, with Barbara Knight, who had so obviously spent the night?

"Sorry.  I didn't mean to barge in so early.  I should go."  John wanted to laugh, it was comical, Jack and Barbara both seemed unable to move. He kept a straight face. "Maybe we should reschedule and have lunch instead.  Nice to see you Barbara, sorry for interrupting."  John shrugged and turned, heading out the door and back towards the elevators.

"John."  Jack followed him out of the apartment.  "That's not what it looks like."

"Oh, it's not?  It's not my business Jack, you don't have to explain anything to me.  Call me later and let me know if you still want to get together.  If you want to make other plans, it's fine."

"No, I was looking forward to breakfast.  Something's up with you, is everything okay with you and Susan?  Something has to be wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be here so early."

"Nothing to worry about, a minor thing.  I should go back, she's going to be looking for me."

"John, are you sure?  You're going to meet me for breakfast at 8, right?"  His dad put his hand on his shoulder.  "Please?"

"Yes, 8 then.  I need to go shower and change."  John heard the elevator open behind him, and stepped in.

* * *

Susan put Aiden back to bed, then curled up in the chair by the window, looking out over Central Park, wondering where John had gone, wondering how she could have said something so stupid.  She knew the trust factor was a huge deal to John, yet she had inferred she didn't trust him.  She sat there for the longest time before she heard the front door open, and then shut very quietly. 

John shrugged off his coat, then tiptoed back to their room, hoping Susan had gotten a bit more sleep, but sure she hadn't.  He was right, she was curled up under a blanket in front of the floor to ceiling windows in the master bedroom, staring out over the city that was just beginning to awaken after a few short hours of semi quiet.

He walked over to her, he could see her eyes come up at the sound of his steps, he knelt down in front of her, wrapping his arms around her waist, resting his head on her lap.

"I'm sorry."  He said quietly.  "I'm sorry baby, forgive me?  I love you."

Susan felt the tears start as she leaned down, her arms running around his shoulders, kissing his hair, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck.  She was the one who had started it, yet here he was apologizing to her?

"Honey, no, I'm sorry, I'm the one who is being stupid and crazy and hormonal.  I love you, baby.  I didn't mean any of it, don't be angry with me."

"I'm not.  So stupid, I don't know why I lost it like that, it was a dumb little fight, I should not have left like that, I'm sorry I did that instead of just talking to you.  I needed to calm down."

"It's okay."  Susan stayed curled over him, feeling he was cold.  "Come back to bed." 

She took his hand, sliding to the edge of the chair, bringing him up with her.  Wrapping her arms around him, kissing him deeply, knowing in her heart that she had nothing to worry about.

* * *

"Where did you go?"  Susan was laying looking into his deep chocolate eyes, caressing his hair, the back of his neck, enjoying his arms around her.

"Just a walk.  You are going to love this part.  I was cold, I stopped at Jack's, but I interrupted a little something."

"A little something?"  Susan frowned then her eyes widened.  "You're kidding, tell me you're kidding."

"Nope.  Kind of funny actually, he was a tiny bit embarrassed."

"What did you say?"

"Sorry, I should go?  What do you say when you find your dad has so clearly had a one night stand with someone you know?  He followed me out and tried to tell me it wasn't what it looked like, and hey we're still on for breakfast at 8?"

"Holy cow, that is awkward.  Wonder what he's going to say later?"

"No idea, really, none, I don't even know what I'm going to say to him."

"You'll figure it out.  Must be something to the whole jazz club thing, or is that more just a Carter thing?"  Susan said with a grin.

"I'm never going to hear the end of the whole jazz club comment, I'm going to kill Peter for repeating it."

"Come on, it seems to be true.  I slept with you after our date at the jazz club, then Barbara Knight sleeps with your dad after the jazz club  Wonder if Peter got so _lucky_ after he went with Cleo."

"I never asked actually, if you want to know you'll have to ask Peter yourself."

"No, that's okay.  You're still going for breakfast?"

"Yes, I have to meet him at eight so I need to shower. Are we okay?  I can call and meet him later."

"No, we're okay, baby. More than okay, like you said it was a silly fight, I think the hormones are still running rampant.  We've made up, we need to fight once in a while so we can have make up sex." Susan trailed her fingers down his bare chest, then leaned in to claim his lips. 

"Mmm, so we should schedule another fight for later today?" John kissed her back, then crawled out of bed, heading to the bathroom.

Susan laughed to herself.  Perhaps another little fight later might not be such a bad idea, making up with John was whole lot of fun.

* * *

John walked into the restaurant, his dad was already at the table, sipping a cup of coffee.  Both of them were much more put together, John had put on dress pants and a nice sweater and the leather jacket Harper had given him.

"Well, you look a little better than you did at 6 am."  Jack scanned down, seeing his son was well groomed now, he didn't look like he had rolled out of bed.  "Everything okay?"

"Yes, fine.  Sorry, it was something stupid, Susan and I figured it out."

"Oh."  Jack sipped his coffee, then thought on that one for a moment, realizing that things must be getting at least a bit better with his son, he had obviously come for a reason.  "Want to talk about it?"

John waited as the server poured him coffee, then took their orders, retreating to the kitchen.

"Ah, one of those overtired things, Aiden woke us up at 5am, and of course we got in quite late.  Susan is hormonal, she gets a little...I don't know how to say it.  Just...the whole thing with Harper sometimes is a bit much for her.  Nothing I can do about it, I can't cut Harper out of my life, we have a child."

"The other woman."

"She's not 'the other woman'. She's an ex girlfriend, I'm not having a thing with Harper, that's done.  Harper and I have discussed it, Susan and I have talked about it too, but it keeps coming up."

"Uh huh.  Well, she _was_ the other woman, John.  You were obviously married and had an affair with Harper.  Susan rightfully feels insecure about it. Did she know about the affair before you got married?"  Jack wondered if John would actually answer.

"Yes, she did.  She didn't know it was Harper, but she did know about the affair.  I didn't get into details at that time, no need right?  Then Harper shows up in Chicago with Devon and I had a bit more explaining to do. Susan knew Harper when she was at County, though not that well.  It seemed to bother her more, that it wasn't just some nameless faceless woman who was gone from my life."  John didn't think there was any point in hiding the details, he and his dad were finally talking about something meaningful for the first time in years.

"Of course it would be easier if Susan didn't know her, makes it more real this way. How long did you and Harper date when you were students? How close were you?"

"Pretty close actually, and a few months, it was less than six, then Harper was transferred to another hospital out of state for a rotation.  We'd just broken up, though we worked things out, if she hadn't left it is possible we would have gotten back together.  We got super close during the affair, we talked about a lot of things, she knows me almost as well as Susan does. Susan can see it, and I understand, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to be jumping into bed with Harper anytime soon.  Susan knows that."

"Why did you have an affair in the first place. You were married then, you are married now. What would stop you from doing it again? They always say if a man cheats once he'll likely do it again."

"Speaking from experience?"  John couldn't help saying it.

"You know what?  You're right John, I cheated on your mother. Your mother was unhappy for a long time, and rather than leaving and divorcing her I found some comfort elsewhere. How did you know?"

"I'm not blind, Jack.  I was aware of a couple of women, you weren't around that much, but I remember seeing you leaving a hotel with one, when I was a teenager, and later, when I was in medical school.  I understand, I'm not condemning you, I would be a hypocrite to say much, other than I'm aware of it."

"You sure made a deal out of it before."

“Yes, because you were making a deal about me and Harper, when you’ve done the same thing and when you had absolutely no idea of why.  I called you out on being hypocritical of my life and choices when I knew for a fact that you hadn't been faithful to Eleanor.  I don't know if Eleanor ever found out about it?”

"I don't think so, but you never know. I'm not sure she would have cared, she was drifting in her bubble John, you know how she is. Did Kem know?"

"Yes, well, she found out at some point."

"So why?  How would Susan know that you weren't going to do it to her?  Does she know why?"

"Yes.  Kem cheated.  Then I ran into Harper and it seemed like a good idea at the time?  I was unhappy, things were falling apart, and it happened.  We saw each other for about 4 months off and on, we would meet different place in Europe, and she stayed at the camp with me in Darfur for just over 3 weeks.  Then she went back to Germany, I got sick and had to come home.  By the time Kem and I agreed to divorce we hadn't been together for about a year.  Just after that Susan and I started seeing each other."

"So you...stopped seeing Harper, just like that?"

"I hadn't seen Harper for months by the time Susan and I got together. Harper and I both knew what the relationship was, she'd gotten divorced a few months before, she wasn't expecting it to be anything more than it was and neither was I.  She and I hadn't been in touch for quite a while, she didn't seem to want to talk to me, and now of course I know why.  She didn't want me to find out she was pregnant, I assumed we were done."

"Wow."  Jack studied his son, knowing this was the tip of the iceberg, but he didn't want to push too far.

"So, you and Barbara Knight huh.  Sorry for dropping by unannounced."

"Couldn't wait to get that dig in there?  Does it bother you John?" 

"No, it's truly not that big of a deal, Jack.  You're both adults, however, I would like you to be honest with me about it, not pretend that it wasn't exactly what it looked like.  Don't lie to me, Jack, I'm not a child."

Jack sighed, knowing John was right.  He was trying to tell his son that despite the fact he had taken the woman back to his place, that they had not had sex.  John wasn't stupid and he most certainly was not a child, it was time he was a bit more honest with his son.  If he had any chance of having a relationship with his son, he was going to have to recognize his son was now over 40 years old, and was certainly not inexperienced with women.

"You're right John, it was wrong of me to lie about it.  It was exactly what it looked like.  Are you upset that I slept with Barbara?"

"That you lied about it?  Yes.  That it happened?  No.  I think we can both be honest here, I'm not exactly innocent, Jack.  More to the point, there isn't much I haven't either seen, heard about, or done myself, so whatever.  Very little you could say would shock me, trust me, working in a level 1 trauma center does not leave much to the imagination."

Jack digested that little tidbit, then laughed.

"Silly, I still think of you as my little boy, John, that I have to protect you from the harsh realities, like I did when you were a child.  I suspect you are more worldly than I am, you are certainly a survivor."  Jack sighed.  "I married young, I was pretty innocent when I married your mother.  I've had a couple affairs, but it's been a while since I have met anyone I feel attracted to, and I really liked her.  In fact if you don't find it too strange, I got her number and I would like to keep seeing her."

"Why not?  If you like her, and she agrees to go out, then have fun.  Can I say something?"  John paused as their breakfast arrived.

His dad nodded at him.

"Life is too short, Jack.  Believe me, I know, I kind of feel like the cat with nine lives, but I am not quite sure which one I'm on at this point.  If there is a chance Barbara Knight will make you happy, then take the leap.  The only reason I have Susan now is we took the chance.  There has to be a reason I ran into Barbara at the park that day.  And I can assure you, wherever Lucy is?  She would be thrilled to see her mom happy, she would never want her mother to stop living just because she did."

Jack just stared at his son for a long moment.

"What?"  John looked over at his dad, noting the long silent look he was getting.

"Just...wow, I cannot believe that you would say something like that, how could you possibly know that is how Lucy would feel?"

"Oh.  Well, you have to understand something.  When you work together in a place like the County ER, you never work alone.  We were a very close, tight knit team for the most part.  We supported each other, and we worked very, very long hours together, we saw each other at our best and at our worst.  You can't hide much, you don't get to have a lot of secrets.  I was her supervisor through two ER rotations, Jack, we did 12-15 hour shifts together regularly.  5 or 6 days a week, we talked, a lot.  I knew Lucy pretty damn well, and I can tell you Barbara is a good person.  She was a great mother, Lucy loved her mom a lot, like a whole lot.  I can guarantee Lucy would want her mom to find happiness, she is not happy right now, you can see it."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."  John took another bite of his breakfast.

"What did you say to Susan when you went back home after obviously walking out at 5 in the morning?  How is it all suddenly okay?  Eleanor would have made me pay for a stunt like that for days, maybe even weeks."  Jack was truly curious on how it all seemed to be fine, or at least why John seemed to think so.

"What every guy should say after having a stupid fight with his wife.  I'm sorry, I was wrong, forgive me, I love you."

"That worked?  Seriously?"  Jack raised an eyebrow.

"With Susan, yes that worked, but it helps if you mean it.  You can't say stuff like that and act like a total asshole all the time and have her actually think you mean it.  It will also help if I buy her a little present before I go home, maybe some flowers or you know, if you are _really_ wrong, jewellery cannot hurt."  John was watching his dad's face.  "Come on, don't tell me it's not true.  The thing is Jack, I did mean it, and I do love her, and she knows it.  She is that kind of woman, we both said we were sorry, we talked, and I know we will talk about it again, but she’s kind of special that way.  She has forgiven me, she doesn’t expect anything more, but...I am going to do it anyway because she deserves it.”

"To prove that you mean it?"

"Maybe, yes, I suppose you can look at it that way.  Sending her flowers will show her I'm thinking of her.  Most women, Susan included, like to get flowers once in a while from their husband.  You have to do something to keep the romantic side of the relationship going, it's just another way to show her I love her."

"Hmm, so just where did you learn all these secrets."

"Secrets?  Since when is _that_ a secret.  If you act like an ass, you should just admit it and apologize, women appreciate it.  They may not always forgive you, but the ones who refuse to forgive aren't the right woman, though I suppose there are times when forgiveness is not warranted, but this time...yeah, I think we were both at fault. I have to admit, I picked a bit of this stuff up from none other than my grandparents.  It took a while, but it sank in eventually, they had a really good marriage in a lot of ways.  You know when grandfather died, Gamma told me he had been her best friend, in addition to being her husband.  They were married 59 years when he died.  I can barely imagine it, 59 years, and they still loved each other, truly and completely loved each other."

"Mother said that."

'Uh huh.  Once she got over the whole need to lecture me about joining the family business, we actually had some really great conversations.  She missed him.  All I can hope is that Susan and I can manage to have that kind of life together.  When you find a woman who feels like your best friend, that your can really talk to, that you can completely be yourself with?  That is the woman to marry.  Susan is that person for me, there isn't anything we can't talk about, we forgive each other for mistakes, we support each other, I would do anything for her."

“You know, a lot of men would call that whipped.”

“Yeah, well I call it happily married and planning to stay that way.”  John challenged his dad.  “You know, I’ve had a few relationships Jack, and I have learned from my mistakes.  Susan is the one, and I know I can’t mess it up, I don’t want to mess it up.  She isn't demanding, or bossy or mean, or conniving, maybe some men have those kinds of women in their lives, but I don't.  She is a good person, and the reason I would do anything is because I love her so much.  Not for any other reason.”

“Right, I suppose that is true, you are on your second marriage, and you did break up with Abby before too.  Why did you break up with her?”

“She was the wrong woman.  She is perpetually unhappy and nothing I could ever do would change it,  Her ex husband concurs, so I know it’s not just me.”

“Well, you really did grow up without me, where did my sweet innocent little boy go.”

“I think you missed that boat a while ago Jack.  Sweet and innocent was quite a number of years back, let’s not even go there.”  John really did not want to discuss that with his dad, it had been some time since he felt innocent and he didn’t think he would ever tell his dad the truth on when he became less innocent or with who.

“Okay, maybe you’re right.  You’ve dated a number of women, and you’re happy now, I guess that is what counts.  I finally have some grand babies to spoil, if you’ll let me, though I know you are fully capable of spoiling them on your own.”

“Sure, and we probably already are, but Susan and I will keep it in check.  Are you going to take my advice?”

“Your advice?”

“Date Barbara.  If you like her and she likes you, I’m all for it.  It’s no secret you and Eleanor weren’t happy for a lot of your marriage, and no time like the present to find a bit of happiness.”

“Taking relationship and love advice from my son, that is truly strange, you’d think I would be dishing out the advice to you.”

“Well, in some ways I’ve learned from your mistakes, so...enough of that.  I have to buy my wife an anniversary gift, one year this month and New York is a great place to shop.”

Jack pulled out his credit card and signaled the server.

“This one is my treat.  Sure, let’s go buy your lovely wife a nice anniversary gift and don’t forget to buy her a nice ‘I’m sorry for being an ass’  gift too.”

John laughed and slid on his coat.

“I have my credit card, lets go do some damage.  I think I know just what to get her, there is a terrific little bakery on 5th, and a good florist, I think perhaps something delivered will be just the thing.”

“Along with a little Winston or Tiffany’s.”  His dad threw in. 

“That would be the anniversary gift, I have a couple ideas but I need to go in and look.”

* * *

 Susan heard the buzzer and went to answer the door.  She was a bit surprised, usually the doorman called before anyone came up.  She peered out the security peephole, seeing it _was_ the doorman, holding a large bouquet.

“Dr. Lewis?  Delivery came for you.”

“Thanks Randy, wow, these are beautiful.”  Susan took the crystal vase from the doorman, burying her face in the huge bouquet.

“I don’t see bouquets like that very often, someone loves you.”  Randy winked at her.  “Two dozen?  From a 5th Avenue florist.”

“I have never seen roses quite like this either.”  Susan admired the white and red coloured roses.

“Enjoy.”

Susan carried the lovely arrangement, putting it onto the sofa table in the living room.  There was a card of course, but Susan already knew who they were from.  The message was simple, ‘I love you, forever and always’.  

“Wow, those are gorgeous.”  Elise came through carrying Ava.  “Did John send you those?”

“Of course.  I have never seen roses quite like these, they are a creamy white towards the bottom and red on top, they are going to be magnificent when they fully open.”

“Two dozen?  Getting a bit spoiled are we?”

“Oh you bet I am.”  Susan  smelled the lightly scented roses again, admiring the soft velvety petals.  Stunning was all she could think.  Absolutely stunning.  The man had outdone himself, he knew she loved getting flowers, and these were spectacular.

* * *

 Jack shook his head and laughed, but he had to admit his son was right, not too many women didn’t love flowers.  John took a few minutes to pick just the right rose, the right crystal vase and wrote a very short note on a card to go with the bouquet.

“Two dozen, these are long stemmed?”

“Yes sir, we don’t always have them, but they are amazing in an arrangement.  I'll add a bit of greenery, but other than that we should just do the roses, when they open?  Let's just say the woman in your life is going to love them.  And you.”

Jack was perusing the bouquets.

“So what says, I enjoyed our first date and I’d like to get to know you better.”  He mused out loud.

It was John’s turn to laugh, and he nodded.

“Now you have the idea.  I bet...those.”  He pointed to a lovely bouquet.

“Ah, you have a good eye, that is one of my favourites.  I think that is a great choice for someone you've just started seeing.  Bright and colourful, a statement without trying too hard.”  The florist concurred.

Jack ended up pulling out his card and writing a note as well.  This was an interesting activity to do with his son, but it had been so long since he dated he was going to take the advice.

“So have you ever met a women who didn’t love flowers?”  Jack asked as they walked down 5th after placing their orders.

“Oh yeah.  Abby liked dried flowers, so that is what I usually got her, though I did buy her a really nice bouquet one Valentines.  Never did that again.”  John remembered she had gotten drunk and they’d had a fight, Abby launched it across the room, leaving shards of crystal and shredded flowers in a soggy puddle after it hit the wall.  John had turned and walked out, letting her deal with the aftermath of her temper tantrum.  It was getting to the end of the relationship that was for sure.

“Why not?”

“She got pissed off about something and it didn’t fare so well.  Last thing I ever bought her.  Should have just brought her a few dead ones, maybe she would would have been happier about it.”

Jack frowned, but he had recognized long before John had that Abby was never the girl for him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.  It was a sign, when the woman throws the expensive bouquet at you without much thought, she’s the wrong girl.  Took a while, but she proved to me we were not going to work, I went to see her when I got off the plane after Africa, she asked for her key back.  Like I said, if you apologize and she can’t even take the time to talk to you?  Never going to work out, and again, I was not the only one at fault, she just refused to recognize that she had played a part in the whole mess.”  John shrugged.  “But, enough about her, I think Susan needs a new watch, or maybe something with diamonds.”

“Really.  Well, this is a good place to start.”  Jack followed John through the door of the jewelry store.

* * *

A couple hours later, Susan heard the front door open.  She and Elise had taken the kids to the park for an hour, then come back to put Ava, Maya and Ben down for naps.  Cosmo and Devin were playing quietly in their shared bedroom and Aiden was laying on the blanket beside her, having some wiggle time on the floor.

“You decided to come home, I thought you got lost.” 

“No, Jack and I just went out shopping for a little bit.”

“So I see.”  Susan pointed to the bouquet, walking over to wrap her arms around his neck and giving him a very long steamy kiss.  

She felt his arms wrap around her waist, bringing her in close, as he returned the kiss, not stopping until Jack came in the door and cleared his throat.

“Oh right, he came back to have some lunch.”  John murmured in her ear.  

“That's fine.  Thank you, that is an absolutely amazing bouquet.  You didn’t have to do that, John.”

“I know, but I wanted to, and I am glad you like them.”  

“No, I love them, I have never seen flowers like that, gorgeous.”   

“Like my wife.”  He whispered in her ear, then reached into the bag he was carrying.  “I brought you something else too.  Couldn’t resist.”

Susan took the bakery box and peeked inside, getting a smile on her face.

“Macaron?  Wow, you really outdid yourself today.  Going for major points are we?”

“Nah, just saw the bakery and thought I would see if they had any, I know you love them.”

Susan gave him another quick kiss.

Jack had to admit, John was absolutely right, and Susan had totally gotten over their fight.  Whether it was the flowers or that was just the icing on the cake, his son knew women, and he was now extra glad he’d sent the flowers to Barbara.

“I need some lunch want anything?”  John offered as he went over and picked up Aiden.  “Someone looks happy.”

“He has been very happy, but I will take him and feed him then put him down for a sleep.  That way we can all go out this afternoon.  Jack?  Did you have plans or did you want to help take the kids to the zoo or something?”

“I would love to help with the kids.”  Jack could not help but like this woman who had so obviously captured his sons heart.  He could see why, she seemed very warm and loving.  He wished he’d married a woman even half as compassionate and caring as Susan, maybe he would still be married.

* * *

"John, I am really glad you came up to New York, this was...a nice visit."  Jack was feeling awkward now, it was time for Susan and John to head back to Chicago.  "I'll try to come up and see you in a few weeks?  We have a big board meeting coming up, if it would be okay, could I stay at the house?"

John had not expected the request, but things had been going well with Jack, they finally had some real conversations.

"Sure.  I have to drive into town for the meetings anyway, and it will give you a chance to spend some time with the kids.  Let me know when you are planning to arrive."

"Take care."  Jack pulled his son in for a hug.  It was getting easier over time he found, he was starting to realize it was something his son was a lot more comfortable with than he was.  He'd seen how affectionate he was with Susan and all of the kids, it was just him that his son hesitated to hug. 

Maybe because in the past Jack had always pulled back so quickly, his parents had not been demonstrative with him, and he had let that colour his relationship with his son.  He regretted deeply that about the only time in the adult years he had given his son any sort of affection was when he’d lost his own child.

Watching John fall apart was one of the hardest things he'd done, and for a change he had not run away from it.  He'd opted to stay at the hospital.  Now he was getting a precious chance to be there, a part of his sons life, his grandchildren's lives, and he was going to make the most of it.

John let himself hope for the first time in a very long time that Jack might actually follow through and be there for a change.  They'd certainly come a long way this trip.  He hugged his dad back, surprised that it lasted more than the usual one second.

"It was good to see you, let me know how it goes with Barbara." 

"I will, she loved the flowers by the way, and we have another date on Saturday night.  We've been talking on the phone every day too.  I hate to admit how right you were, but...you were right."

"Always the tone of surprise."  John had to say.

"Yeah, yeah, you better go or you'll miss your flight."

John laughed out loud. 

"I doubt it, since I'm flying the plane, but...we do have a flight plan to follow." 

John slid into the car, entwining his fingers with Susan's, giving her a kiss as they pulled away from the curb.  It had been a good trip, but it would be nice to be home.


	58. Someone Like You

"You're back!  So great to see you!"  Lexi gave Susan a long warm hug before sliding into the booth and flagging down the waitress.  "How was the trip."

"Mostly great.  Everyone loved California, Cosmo and Devon had an amazing time at the the parks.  Houston was good, Harper of course was a little too touchy feely with John again, but I am not sure we will ever get to a point where that is not the case?  New York was interesting to say the least."  Susan summed it up quickly, picking out a large salad.  "Can I get extra chicken on that?  Thanks."

Lexi eyed Susan, then proceeded to order the exact same thing.

"You know I have lost about 10 lbs since you left?  It just melted away, and all I have been doing is taking the kids for a long walk every day and following the eating plan you left for me.  If things keep going this way, maybe we can go dress shopping next month.  I can't leave it too late in case we need to order or do alterations."

"That is going to be fun.  I dragged John out shopping with me in New York and I made him go into a few bridal boutiques.  I picked you up some bridal magazines too.”

Susan handed a bag across the table and Lexi peered inside with a smile.

“Wow, thanks!  You are always thinking of me.”

“I’m your Maid of Honour, sorry, I guess Matron of Honour is the word here, but doesn’t that make me sound old?  Matron?  They need to rename that.”  Susan mused.

“We can call you the MOH, just skip the whole Matron thing if it makes you happier.  So dragging John into wedding boutiques?  Poor guy, are you trying for a divorce?”  Lexi raised an eyebrow at her.

"No, uh uh.  Remember when I came up to Chicago for the opening of the Carter Center and went dress shopping?"

"Yes, because you wore than incredible sexy amazing dress to our work function and all the guys were practically falling all over themselves to talk to you.  Even the married ones were staring."

Lexi remembered seeing Susan walk in, she had looked stunning.  John had not made it down for the function, but her friend had looked incredible, her skin glowing softly, Lexi had thought it was just the dress.  Now when she thought back she thought maybe it was the fact Susan had been starting to fall in love.  Though the great sex probably didn’t hurt either.

"John picked that out, he knows clothes, and he knows what looks good on a woman.  It was kind of crazy, he just seemed to know my size and he went through and just picked stuff off the rack faster than I could try it on.  The one I wore that night, that was the one he bought for me."

“I didn’t know he bought you a dress.   _That_ dress.  I guess that is why you decided it would be nice to...take it off for him later?”

Susan swatted her friend playfully.

"Oh stop.  No, it was because he looked so damn good in that suit, and he smelled incredible and, well, I could go on, but you get it."

"The sexual attraction got the better of you.  I can see why, I still remember thinking he was a fine little piece of eye candy when he came in to take you for lunch that day.  The nurses were all staring at his ass and drooling.”

"At least a quarter of them are male nurses, so I am sure that is not true."

“Oh, I don’t know, I think even some of the men were checking him out." Lexi giggled.

"All right, he cleans up well, no question.  My point is Lexi, he is the dress genie, he found me a couple I just had to buy, and he picked out the shoes to go with them and I can’t wait to wear them.  It's second nature to him, when you find a dress, I would be tempted to have you try it on for him, and he will give you an honest opinion."

“Too good to be true and if he picked out the famous dress, then maybe I should get his thoughts on it.  Luka knows what looks good, and he compliments me, but he hates shopping for clothes with me.  He always looks bored silly.  Plus he can’t see my wedding dress until the big day when I am walking up the aisle.”

“John never seems to mind, but he is not the kind of guy who just grabs a couple t-shirts and calls it done.  His suits are often tailored, Hugo Boss or Armani.  The guy actually has some Prada in his closet too, he dresses really well all the time.  Maybe we should go up to New York and have a girls shopping trip next month?  You should start the toning exercises I gave you, three times a week along with upping your protein and you will be ready.  We can get minor alterations done if we need to at the last minute, but you are looking seriously great already.”

"New York.  So expensive though, we are trying to save up for a house.  The apartment is too small with both kids.  Luka has money saved but we don’t want to spend it all on a house.  The nice areas are pricey.”

“You finally talked him into a house?  When you’re ready I can give you the name of our realtor, she was great and of course you can run stuff by John.  He is a Chicago native and knows a lot about the city too.  That is exciting.”

“I know, it will be nice to have at least one more bedroom, though in my dream world we will have four.  We have Joe quite a bit, and he doesn’t like to share with Anya.  Anyway, I don’t want to go crazy with travel right now.”

“It won’t be at all expensive to go to New York, we can use the apartment, if we work it to coincide with one of John’s trips then not even flight costs because we always take the jet now.  We mostly eat in, easier to keep on track that way, and with the kids, no way do we want to go to restaurants all the time.  It would just be buying the dress and shoes.  Think about it Lex, Chicago has good bridal stores, but New York has even more for selection, they have a bigger stock of dresses."

“Sounds amazing, I haven’t been to New York in ages, and I’ve been only a couple times.  So how was the apartment?"

“Incredible of course.  It is on a high floor with these tall windows that look out over the park and Manhattan.  We had no trouble with the whole crew staying in there.  Though I have to warn you, if we go with John it will probably end up being everyone going, but we take Elise everywhere it seems and of course Jack was around a lot this trip too."

"How is that going?"

“Good I think.  The two men are finding some common ground at last, and Jack does seem to be trying pretty hard, they managed to get through the whole visit without any major words.  John and I had a few words though, Lex, I need to get my post partum hormones under control soon.  I totally flipped out on him and he just walked out like he couldn’t deal with me.”

“Oh Susan, is everything all right now?”

“Yes, so get this.  He came back maybe an hour later, and _he_ apologized to _me_.  I started it, making stupid comments and he is the one who apologized first, I didn’t even get the chance.  Then he went for breakfast with his dad and sends me two dozen of the most incredible roses you have ever seen.  Two dozen long stemmed roses from this fancy 5th Ave florist, then he brings me Macaron to top it off.  It almost makes me wonder what he felt so guilty about that he would apologize.”

“Don’t think like that, if you are worried then just ask the man.  Remember you got all worked up about the Debbie thing, and it turned out to be nothing.  What did you flip out about?” 

“What else? Harper. I don’t know why I still feel so...insecure sometimes.  It’s difficult, they were really close, they talked about everything apparently, and she is like this little wildcat in the bedroom.”

“He told you that?  About the sex?”  Lexi furrowed her brow, feeling deep concern for her friend.

“No, of course not, he avoids the topic whenever he can - you know the whole sex with the ex is not a topic I can get him to talk about.  It was more that...he has this little scar on his shoulder and I realized finally that it’s...this is going to sound bad.”

“Oh just tell me.  So what he has a little scar and you freaked out why?”

“It’s a bite mark, Lexi.  Harper bit him hard enough to leave a mark like that?  During sex, I can’t even think about what they were doing that she would...bite him like that.  What if he gets bored with me, she is always there, just waiting for something to go wrong in our relationship.”

“Susan, you really do need to get those hormones under control.  Did he agree that’s what it was?”

“He sure didn’t deny it, he’s a terrible liar, Lexi.  I was totally right, I could tell from the way he reacted.  I know I drive myself insane with this stuff, but the sex was obviously great, how can I even compete with that?”

“Compete?  Susan, you really do need to calm down.  He’s 40 years old, he’s had sex with other women, he can’t change that, just like I am sure he doesn’t want to think about you with other men, you have to stop picturing him with other women.  I don’t even go there with Luka, he’s been with other women, I can just bet John is not the only one who had gotten kinky with the past girlfriends.  If youre so worried about it, then maybe you should just try to spice things up in the bedroom with him, rather than obsessing about what happened between him and another woman.”

“Kinky. Thanks, that is a wonderful word to have rolling around in my head.”

Lexi rolled her eyes and sighed, thinking Susan needed to talk more about this, but maybe not to her.

“Look.”  Lexi lowered her voice.  “The guy certainly had good sex with her, why else would they be together having an affair for months.  That doesn’t mean anything Susan, he is with you now. Think of it as adventurous if that other word bothers you. The good news is...he's probably open to, you know, try new things in the bedroom with you.  If you have any little fantasies, start there, see if he'll go along with it.”

“The problem is, I keep thinking that if anything goes wrong, she's far too close, he can go to her, no problem.”

"Why would he do that, he's in love with you. But if you keep freaking out about Harper, then you know what?  You're going to push him away from you.  The sex will go downhill, and then you will have a problem, but it will be of your own making.  You think the guy has no self control?  That he'll decide to hop into bed with her the moment you have a fight?”

“Maybe? He did with his ex-wife, they had a fight, Harper was handy and they ended up in bed. Sounds like it didn’t take long either and he was deep into an affair.”

“Why did he have the affair though?  You said his ex cheated on him and he found out, and then he slept with Harper.”

“Yes.”

“Are you planning on cheating on John with some guy in Paris then telling him all about it?”

“No, of course not.  I love him, I don’t want to sleep with anyone else.”

“What makes you think he doesn’t feel the same about you?  I’ve had boyfriends cheat, and the best way to get over it is find someone to be with.  That is what he did, Susan, things fell apart and he found someone to comfort him.  The key here is don’t let it fall apart, don’t push him away, don’t get all crazy about his exes.  It’s tough, I get it, I have to deal with Psycho Abby.”

“Ah, yeah, trust me, I know, I have to deal with Psycho Abby myself, I mean she was calling him in the middle of the night inviting him out for _pie_.  She could have just said hey John, it’s 3 am and I’m lonely, come fuck me.”

“Well, she isn’t on good enough terms with Luka to invite him out, I cannot believe she did that, but he told her to stop calling right?”

“He did, but he needs to do the same with Harper.  She calls him every damn day, without fail.  Sometimes hours after Devon is in bed, she says she is just ‘checking in’ to see how their son is.  Every damn day Lexi, she can’t go one day without talking to him.”

“Have you told him how much it bothers you?”  Lexi met Susan’s eyes.  “Seriously honey, if you think Harper is overstepping and calling too often, ask him to set some rules.  Unless its an emergency, she should call when Devon is awake, to talk to him, not to talk to John all the time.  That part would bother me too.”

“Then we’ll end up fighting, I don’t know if he sees the problem, Lex, they have a son together, they’ve been friends a long time, I just worry that she’s too accessible.  A short flight away, he is down there quite a bit too, he takes Dev to see her.  It makes me feel like the flowers were an apology because he knows somewhere inside that his relationship with Harper is not quite as...innocent as he would like to think it is, or he would like me to believe.”

“Or he could have felt bad for walking out on you, losing his temper.  It’s kind of sweet Susan, that he came home and made it up to you.  Notice that he came home to you, he didn’t go running to Harper, did he?”

“No, you’re right, he didn’t.”

"He’s a doctor too, I think he probably gets the whole hormone in a uproar situation that is going on here.  Luka does, we have our little moments too, but we make up quickly, don’t let it stew for a long time and its okay.  I am definitely still waiting for things to settle down, remember you may not look like it but you just had a baby.  Barely a year after having a set of twins no less _and_ you’re over 40.  Give yourself and him a little break there honey.”

“You’re probably right.”

“I am pretty sure the guy just thought hey, we had a fight, flowers might make her feel better.  You love getting flowers, don’t even deny it, he has your number.”  Lexi gave her a knowing look.  “Admit it.”

“What girl doesn’t like flowers, Lex, I know we were in that area, but even the doorman commented on them, saying he didn’t see bouquets like that very often.  They were magnificent, I am not going to deny it, he got me with the flowers.”

“Uh huh.  And does he usually buy you flowers?”

“Sometimes, out of the blue he will bring me something, and whenever we have special occasions, like when we got engaged.  We went back to the hotel room and of course, huge bouquet of these deep, deep red roses.  I don’t know if he picked them himself or just called and asked them to send me flowers.”

“Well, no matter how you look at it, he has his romantic side.  I love Luka and he does the nice little things like open doors and offers me his coat when I’m cold but he doesn’t buy me flowers and stuff all the time.”

"Right, enough said.  Let’s take a look at those bridal magazines, get a few ideas.”  Susan sat back as the server placed the salads on the table.  “By the way, how is Joe these days?”

“Oh the same, we are ignoring Abby though, Luka said enough is enough and we are taking him to a therapist next week.  He is exhibiting some not so nice behaviours these days.  Kicking, biting, yelling at us, something is up for sure.”  Lexi gave a deep sigh.  “Abby is still being difficult, if we are even a minute late dropping Joe she goes ballistic.  Maybe that is why Joe is acting out, I wonder what Abby says about us when she has Joe?”

“I don’t know, but worth trying to find out.  Next time you have him out to our place I will see if John can talk to him a bit.  He loves his Uncle John.”

“I noticed, that is a good thing, even if it is really weird that John is so close to Joe, the whole dynamic with the three of them is bizarre.”

“Yup, that it is.  I guess it is just nice that Luka and John are so mature about things, I am glad they like each other, makes life easier for us.”

“It does.  Susan, are you really okay?  You know I think you really need to sit down and have a nice non confrontational talk with your husband.  Just tell him how you are feeling about everything.  You trust him right?  You said you can tell him anything, and if you can’t maybe you need to go talk to someone, a counsellor or therapist.”

Susan sighed, then nodded her head.

“Maybe you’re right, maybe I just need to face this straight on, because if I don’t it is going to eat away at me.  We have left it alone, we both said sorry and made up, but we didn’t talk enough about the real issue here.  Thanks Lex.”

“What are friends for.”

* * *

“Wow, this is some place you have here.”  Abby stood in the foyer taking in the elegant staircase and marble flooring.  

Somehow she could never picture it, though of course there were comments at County about Carter and Susan’s amazing house.  It seemed...so not _him_ to live in a place like this, Abby missed _her_ Carter.  The one in jeans, the one who lived in a two bedroom downtown and drove a Jeep.  Now he was mister power suit, with kids, a wife and big house.  Where had the guy gone, the one who used to love going out for coffee and pie with her, talking, and even laughing sometimes.  Sure, sometimes Eric and Maggie had gotten in the way, but...she still really missed him.

Susan shrugged nonchalantly and ushered her through to the kitchen.  Abby had to stifle the gasp as she looked out the floor to ceiling windows across the backyard.  It had a massive pool and a pool house, but what really got her was the view of the lake.  She imagined them sitting at the eating area being able to look out over the water as they ate.  The huge flagstone patio that seemed to run the length of the whole house, and had tarped furniture, covered up to protect it from the winter elements.

Not that it was winter now, it was turning to spring and unseasonably warm, the brilliant rays of sunlight glinting off the water.

“Can I get you a drink or something?”  Susan was watching Abby, could see the looks going across her face, and she was sure there would be some sort of sarcastic comment coming very soon.

“A soda would be great.”  Abby watched as Susan located a glass, added ice and poured the pop into a glass.

“Never thought I would see the day, Carter living the high life, this really is quite the house.  How many millions of the ill gotten gains did he spend on this baby?”   Abby   couldn’t help it, when she was with him they had been so busy with work and her family, she never stopped to picture what real life could be like with him.  Huh, more like a fairytale, the ‘prince’ whisking away Susan to his castle.

Whatever, she never wanted to live like this, but Susan seemed to be enjoying it, maybe he needed to get his gold digger alarm serviced.

On her side, Susan felt like throwing something at the woman, but she wisely reined it in and ignored the question.  Like she was going to share that information with Abby?  No chance.

“They went out sailing since it was such a nice day and they should be back soon.”  Susan peered out the window, hoping to see the boat returning to the dock, trying to wish it into existence.  Having to visit with Abby was a little bit like torture, after their words on the phone it had not been all that civil between them.  Why Abby insisted on picking up Joe at their house she could not fathom.

Susan heard the squawk on the baby monitor, and was thankful for small miracles, she could go up and change Aiden, it would kill a few minutes of time before everyone got back.

“I have to go up and get him, why don’t you sit and relax for a few minutes.  The living room is through that archway, or the sunroom is there.”  Susan pointed out the two different rooms.

Abby had been hoping Susan would give her a tour of the house, but she didn’t want to push her luck, she supposed she was lucky she wasn’t sitting on the front steps waiting for Luka to get back with Joe.  She had purposely arrived early, knowing that Lexi had not come out to the house this trip and Susan would probably be there alone.

“Oh sure, maybe the sunroom.” 

“I’ll be quick.”  Susan flicked off the monitor, and headed for the back stairway, rather than going through to the front.  

Abby waited until she was gone, then started to wander, through the family room, checking things out.  She saw the photo frame almost immediately, it was changing every few seconds, displaying different pictures.  She watched for a moment, snorting slightly.  It made her a bit sick, how lovey and mushy the two of them looked in those pictures, and of course there were a ton of the kids, and even a couple with Harper and Devon together.

She looked over and saw the door, slightly ajar, and peeked through the crack, realizing it was an office or den.  A good sized one, with beautiful french doors leading to the patio, bookshelves lined with a multitude of titles, and a wood burning fireplace.  She walked over to view the pictures on the mantle, squinting at them.

“Is that real?”  She muttered to herself and picked up the photo, staring at it intently.  Carter.  When he was a teenager...with...no, she had to be hallucinating.  Then she looked at the next one and her frown became deeper.  A young woman, standing with...Kennedy’s arm around her.  JFK?  Who was the woman?

She had been out to the Carter mansion and had noted a multitude of pictures  but she had never really looked at them before, but now she was paying attention...she was a bit shocked at the recognizable faces in various pictures, some of them with Carter in them.  A few were even autographed and must be worth a fair sum of money.

“Abby.”  Her voice startled her, she had no idea she had been in the room that long.

“Oh, sorry, I was just looking around and the door was open.  These are some interesting photos, are they for real?”

“Well they sure aren’t photoshopped if that is what you are asking.  Sorry, but John gets a little touchy about people being in his office, and I have to sit and feed Aiden, why don’t you come out and join me in the sunroom?”

Susan was annoyed, the woman was snooping in the office.  John didn’t generally mind, but he preferred to invite people in, and the door was most often closed to keep the kids out.  Abby was just being nosy.

“Of course.  Sorry.”

They both sat, Susan adjusting things so she could discreetly nurse her son.

“Where are all the other kids?”

“Well, Cosmo and Dev are with John, Ava, Maya and Ben are out with Elise for a couple hours, so I have a bit of relatively quiet time.  The guys have been out sailing for about three hours so they should be back anytime.”

Susan had heard that Abby was prone to a few temper tantrums these days if Luka was late with Joe.

“Oh, I was a bit early too, I thought it would take longer to drive out here.  I was up early, so used to being up for my shifts.”

“Right.  So how is work?”  Susan was desperate to fill in the time with some small talk.

“Fine, same old same old with County.  Too much work and not enough staff or resources, though I have to say the programs at the Centre have taken quite a few off our hands, at least there are days when we feel we made a difference.  Anyway, um, Susan, I just wanted to apologize for...you know, the phone calls.  I have been talking to my therapist and I have started to realize that I shouldn’t be calling Carter so much.”

Susan frowned slightly.  So much?  She was not aware Abby had been calling John lately at all.

“She tells me that I am a bit prone to...emotional affairs.”

“To what?  Emotional affairs?  What's an emotional affair?”  Susan had not heard the term before.

“Oh.  Well, this is awkward, but...I let myself get emotionally attached to people...well men.  You know when you spend a lot of time with someone, even though you're not sleeping with them?  And you talk and stuff?  Even if the guy is married or has a girlfriend, or when you're dating or with someone, and you still talk to them everyday and like spending time with them?  I did that you know, when I was with Luka the first time we dated, I had an emotional affair, I found that I would rather spend time with someone else than him.  Even though nothing happened, no sex or anything, I got attached, and I started fighting with Luka to make him break up with me so I could pursue someone else.”

Susan knitted her brow.  Emotional affair, okay, now the term was making sense.

“Apparently it can be quite common, when a husband and wife drift apart, or there's an attraction to another person, sometimes either the man or woman spend a lot of time with someone else. Again, there might not be physical intimacy, but emotionally you get attached and eventually it turns into an actual affair. In my case I broke up with Luka before I started seeing him.”

“Are you saying...that you had this _emotional_ _affair_ with John?”  Susan knew that Abby and John had gotten together only a few months after she broke up with Luka, and that John had been avoiding dating her in order to not be her rebound relationship.

“Um, well yes. And though I was no longer with Luka, it did eventually turn into more than friendship.  Maybe not the strict definition, but my therapist thinks that I did cheat on Luka in that respect, I was giving my affection and love and time to someone else while dating him.  Weird huh?  They define everything these days, but they get serious. Like take say...Harper, she's quite close to John, they have a son together, I'm sure they talk. If they started talking every day and spending a lot of time together, that could be the start of an emotional affair that could easily turn into a sexual affair.”

“Why are you telling me this Abby?”

“I'm apologizing Susan, and I'll stop calling him so much, I promise.  I still turn to him, he understands me, and I don’t want to interfere in your marriage.”

Susan was almost speechless, she tried to cover her emotions and to not let Abby’s words get to her.  Emotional affair...the words kept ringing in her ears.

* * *

 “Are you okay?”  John watched Susan closely, she had seemed distant tonight, lost in thought.

“I’m fine, fine, just you know, tired.  It was a long day, we got busy with the kids.”  Susan splashed water on her face, rinsing off the last of her makeup, before patting her skin dry and then applying a bit of moisturizer.

“You’re sure that’s all it is?”  

“Of course.”  She assured him, though her mind was still wandering to her conversation with Abby today.  

John could a phone ringing in the other room, but knew it wasn’t his.

“That’s mine.” Susan turned and walked out of the bathroom. “Chuck.”

John could hear her talk to her ex-husband, her voice getting quieter as she stepped out onto the patio.  Only moments later his phone started to ring.  

“Harper.”

“Hi honey, how are you?” Her voice carried down the line. “How’s our boy?”

“Good, we went sailing today, and of course...”

“He’s sleeping.” Harper finished the sentence for him. “I know, sorry, it’s late again, I was really hoping to be done earlier, but no such luck.” 

* * *

 Susan stood on the balcony looking out at the moon hanging low over the lake.  Even in the chill of the night, it was beautiful, but tonight it all seemed hazy, she viewed it through watery eyes.  She swiped her hand across her face, not knowing quite what to do next.  She had a long and heated conversation with Chuck and finally got off the phone abut 45 minutes later.  She looked for John, but of course as usual, he was on the phone with Harper.   She sighed deeply, not sure why it was such a struggle to keep her husbands attention these days.

“How did it go with Chuck?”  John came up behind her and wrapped his arm around her waist, letting her lean against him.  “Hey, are you okay?”  His voice was concerned, he could hear her sniffling.  “You’re crying, what happened?”

Susan let him turn her, burrowing in against his chest, and letting the tears fall freely, soaking the front of his shirt.  John stroked her hair, and let her cry, rocking them both as he held her tight.

“Sh, baby, whatever it is, it will be all right.”  His voice was like warm honey, his warm embrace the only place she wanted to be.  Maybe she was being oversensitive, like in New York, maybe her hormones were still ruling her.

John could feel her clutching his shirt, her sobs finally fading out as she dragged in a deep breath.  She was sniffling still, she felt him draw back just slightly, then he brushed her cheeks with his thumbs, carrying away the salty dampness.

“I must look like Medusa.”  Susan tried to wipe her eyes again, John handed her a handkerchief, which she took gratefully, dabbing at her eyes.

“Never, you are beautiful as always.”  His gentle kiss on her forehead and warm hand rubbing her back soothed her, calmed her.

“Such a liar, but I love you for it.”  Her voice wavered.  “I had a fight with Chuck about Cosmo.  How can he be so blind?  His son needs him to be around just once in a while and he can’t be bothered to get off his lazy ass and drive up here.   I said we would bring him down and he still said he doesn’t have time.  He hasn’t taken or seen his son since before Christmas.  I told him off, and he called me an entitled bitch.”

“What?”  John could feel the anger rising.  “Chuck called you a bitch?  Wow, he is a real asshole isn’t he.  I would love to give him a call and have a little chat with him.”

“No, John, no.  Please let me deal with this, you are going to take his head off.”  She rested her head on his chest.  “I think it’s time to let it go, you know it took him two weeks to even call me back and I left him a message every day.  He doesn’t want...him...he doesn’t want our son.”

Susan felt a fresh wave of tears, sadness in her soul.

“Oh honey.”  John didn’t know what to say to her, they had been through this before, and he could not help but feel angry at Chuck Martin.  Something John could never understand is people having kids and then not wanting to be there for them.  He had a lot of his own experience with the matter of course, and Susan as well to a certain extent, her parents had not exactly doted on her and Chloe.  He couldn’t help but think of Joshua, and how he would give almost anything for his son to have lived, how he would never have left his son, yet someone like Chuck could so easily walk away.

Susan clutched John like a lifeline, he understood, she knew he did, how could he not?  He had lost so much, gone through so much in his life and he knew that there was nothing to say that could make her feel better right now.  He was doing just what she needed, letting her cry on his shoulder.

“Damn him.  I have to tell his son that daddy is not coming, yet again.  How do I tell him John?  He has been talking non stop about this trip to Des Moines and now its not going to happen.  Chuck doesn’t even have the balls to man up and talk to the kid on the phone, he leaves it up to me.”

“What can you do?  If Chuck doesn’t want to make the effort to see his son, he will regret it someday.  I’ve said it before, but it doesn’t hurt to say it again.  Cosmo has us, he will be okay.  I get it’s not the same, baby, that he needs his dad too, but nothing in the world can make him be here if he doesn’t want to be.  Maybe you’re right, time to let it go and try and prepare Cosmo for the fact that his dad is not going to be around.  I am not quite sure how to do that, but...I don’t see we have a choice.”

“That is why I love you.  We.  It’s always we when you talk.  We.  Us.  Our children.  Our family.  What would I do without you?”

“I love you Susan.  That is what makes it so great with us, we want to be together, and to me that is what a marriage should be, I need to be here for you, just like you have been there for me when I have had bad days.  You are everything.”

Susan wiped away her tears with the soft fabric she still clutched in her hand.  

“I know, John, you’re the same for me.  Everything.  Just hold me, don’t let me go, I need you.” 

John pulled her down onto the wicker couch and into his lap, letting her rest against him.  They sat for a long time, Susan taking comfort from him, snuggling into the safety of his embrace.

* * *

“Happy Anniversary, baby.”  John whispered in her ear.  “I love you.”

He rolled them gently, their limbs still entwined, Susan hooking her leg over his hip, feeling like a very loved and satisfied woman.

“Happy Anniversary, I love you too.”  Susan lifted her chin enough to meet his lips, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck, amazed that it had already been a full year of marriage.  “That was a very nice way to wake up.”

“Mmm, just nice?  Maybe we need to try a little harder.”  John teased, dropping little kisses on her face.  “Guess we didn’t find the right _thing_.”

“Oh, the _thing_ we did just now was damn good, but we have to save a little something for tonight. I have you all night in a hotel room?  Save your energy baby.”  Susan’s voice was low and husky as she thought about their plans for the evening.

John could not help but smile. “Oh don’t you worry, honey, I’ll make sure I have plenty of energy. An afternoon nap perhaps?”

“Might be a good plan. We should get up soon, everyone will be awake and wanting breakfast.”

John stretched and gave a big yawn, sliding out of bed.

“I’ll warm up the shower.”  He threw a little glance over his shoulder as Susan watched his naked butt, her eyes travelling up his finely muscled and toned back. “Coming?”

Susan flipped back the covers with a small laugh, following him.

* * *

 Susan wrapped the large towel around herself after a final rinse.  John had left the bathroom moments before, leaving her with a very big smile on her face, she was feeling quite loved and satisfied this morning.

She turned to glance in the mirror, seeing the message inside a large heart, complete with the arrow, carefully written in the steam.

‘ _I love you_ _’_

Susan felt her smile widen, so typical, leaving her little love notes on the mirror.  She reached out and wrote below it.

_‘I love you too’_

She watched as it evaporated off the mirror, doing her morning routine of cream on her face and brushing her hair, before finally going out into the bedroom.  John was no where to be seen, but there was a steaming cup of coffee, fixed up just perfectly, sitting on the bedside table, a little pile of rose petals around it and a long stemmed red rose on her pillow.  How could she doubt him?  No man had ever done so much for her, the little things everyday.

She picked out some clothes, running her eyes over her new dress, hung and ready for their evening out, she was looking forward to it, their first anniversary and she just knew that John was going to make it special.

And it was. It seemed like the whole day was magical.  Breakfast was on the table, with a lovely cheerful flower centre piece in the middle and another red rose across her place setting.

Then the flower delivery arrived, 3 dozen magnificent deep red velvety roses. 

“Oh John, these are beautiful.  Did you buy out the whole store?”  Susan had been finding roses all day, along with little love notes, and now she had another huge bouquet of roses.

“Not quite.”  John embraced her tightly, giving her another kiss.

Dinner of course was at ‘their’ restaurant, he took her back to the same place they’d had their first date, and where he’d taken her the night he proposed, following up with a stay in ‘their’ suite at the Langham.

“I am getting very spoiled, Mr. Carter.”  Susan lay in his arms after a marathon love making session.  Her new lacy underwear and dress were somewhere on the floor, discarded along with his clothing in a trail from the doorway to the bed.

“You deserve it, I love you so much.”  John murmured against her hair, thinking about how perfect the day had been.  Just when he thought he could not get any happier, she proved him wrong.  It had been an amazing day, from the moment they woke up until now.

“I love you too baby.”

Susan could hear a phone start to trill.

“I should check that, just in case it’s Elise.”  John slid out of bed, digging into his pants pocket coming up with his cell phone.  He sighed. Harper.

Susan crawled across the bed and took the phone from his hands, noting the name on the call display.  Hell no, she thought, not tonight.  She turned and dropped the phone off the side of the bed, grabbing John and pulling him back down into the messy tangle of sheets.  Distracting him with a deep long kiss, she ran her hands down his back then one up into his hair.

He'd be far too busy to take any call tonight. She'd make sure of it.


	59. Sunrise

Susan stepped out of the rented SUV, inhaling the sea air with a smile.  The days were warming up, it was now June and they were taking a short holiday to the Vineyard. She should have known, but of course John had access to a house right near the beach on several acres of land.

“What do you think?” John was freeing the kids from car seats, setting Cosmo, Devon, Ava, Ben, and Maya free on the lawn before unhooking the seat where Aiden slept peacefully.

“Amazing John. How is it you have never mentioned this place?” Susan looked out over the water, then up at the large rambling house with huge balconies facing towards the water.

“I never think of it, haven’t been here in forever. We used to come down when I was younger, and it has been well used by various members of the family over the years. The Foundation actually owns it, or so I found out when I took over. The thing is, we have so many properties it is tough to keep track.”

“I’ve never been out here before, this is so beautiful and peaceful.”

“It is, I remember having the run of the place when we were kids, Bobby, Chase and I especially. Brings back a lot of memories, but I hope we can create some new ones. If you like it maybe we could make it an annual event.”

“Too bad Todd and Wendy couldn’t come this time, but Lexi and Luka will be here in a couple days. When are Jack and Barbara arriving?”

“Tomorrow. So we can get settled in with the kids. Should be interesting, they seemed happy when were out last time. So weird.”

“What? Your dad dating Lucy’s mom?”

“Yes. All right, how about you supervise the rug rats and I will take in the luggage and our little sleeping man. We can get everything into bedrooms and have some dinner.” John picked up Aiden in his seat and one of the suitcases, heading into the house.

Susan nodded and watched him unlock the front door and disappear inside while she followed the kids down the grassy knoll, knowing the beach was going to attract them and they would have to keep a sharp eye on all of them.  She mused as she watched the kids collecting shells along the water, keeping especially close to the twins and Ava.

They had gone out to New York in early May to coincide with one of John’s appointments at the clinic there. He had been continuing treatment on his scars, and Susan had to admit it was working, they were far less visible now, and John was still being careful about sun exposure until they were finished all the treatments.  He would go back for another round when they got back in mid June, she figured before the end of the summer he would be done.

While John was busy with that and a visit to his dad, Susan and Lexi had gone shopping, and had invited Barbara with them one afternoon. Susan found she was a lovely lady, intelligent and very kind, and oddly, she seemed to know an awful lot about John. Susan was going to try and find out how she knew so much, it couldn’t be from Jack.  

They'd done well when they were there, finding the perfect wedding dress and a beautiful bridesmaid dress as well. Lexi had invited one of her other long time friends from school to be a second bridesmaid, the wedding party was going to be small, as was the wedding itself. Elegant though, Susan was very sure it was going to be a day to remember. They'd hired a gardener who'd come in and helped Susan plant masses of flowers, along with some planters with hanging vines and cascading blossoms that would compliment the wedding colours beautifully.  

The gardener was currently working on getting the backyard and lawns in tiptop condition, making sure everything was well watered, weeded and perfect for the event. They had hired a tent and a temporary floor, and a florist was working on the decorations and bouquets. Things were really coming together, so they felt having a break and mini vacation to help calm the stress was a good idea.  

It was just coming into tourist season out here, a good time to visit, the weather warming up but not to crowded as yet, though according to John, it was not like vacationing elsewhere.  There were a lot of celebrities and well known figures that came out the Vineyard, people who valued their privacy, so Fort Lauderdale at spring break it was most certainly not. Most of the entertaining seemed to happen in the private homes, or people were enjoying the beaches and sailing.

Susan was intrigued, she had grown up hearing about Martha’s Vineyard, the Hamptons and the like, to actually have the chance to vacation here was beyond her wildest dreams, though of course it seemed old hat to John.  He'd traveled and experienced so much at a young age it didn’t excite him the same way it did others. She had to admit though, he'd been looking forward to it, getting out of the city, spending time with the kids. He'd promised Cosmo, Joe and Devon they would go sailing while they were here, though Susan was not sure that she or Lexi would be joining them.

They had given Elise of time off at her request, so they were managing the kids themselves, though Jack seemed to be getting more comfortable with jumping in to assist as well. Of course, Lexi and Luka would be there with Joe and Anya, so the adults were almost as plentiful as the kids, it would work out.

Susan realized that they had been on the beach for quite a long time and had wandered a relatively long way, considering the little legs involved.

“Time to turn around!” She called out and went to steer the twins back toward the beach in front of their house, Ava following Cosmo and Devon closely as they headed back down the sand. She herded them up towards the house.  

“I think daddy might have everything inside, so you can all see your rooms.”

The statement caused Cosmo and Devon to race towards the house, Ava trying her hardest to keep up but outdistanced by the boys quickly. By the time they reached the house, the little girl was about in tears.

“What’s the matter princess?” John came out and scooped up the sobbing little girl as Susan walked towards them, holding the twins hands.

“Too fast, daddy.” She hiccupped.

“Awe, did the big boys run too fast for you to keep up?” He gave her a hug, and then nibbled playfully on her neck, making her giggle.

“Tickles, daddy!” She shrieked gleefully.

John had seen them coming from the kitchen window, and saw how hard Ava had been trying to catch up and he was almost certain she would end up in tears. It seemed to frustrate her that she was not quite able to match the pace her brothers set. The boys were already upstairs by the time she made it to the house.

Susan could not help but smile, John really was good with all of the kids, and they loved him, it warmed her heart to see how he connected with each of the kids in their own way. With Chuck pretty much out of the picture, he had even stepped up more with Cosmo, making sure the boy got his share of attention.

“Smells good in here.” Susan inhaled deeply as they stepped inside.

“I put that casserole into the oven, and was just working on a salad and some vegetables when I saw you coming. Dinner shouldn’t be long.” He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss.

She could hear the soft strains of jazz playing, and she noted Aiden was on the floor near the baby play gym.  

“You got all that done while we were gone?”

“It’s not that much, I put all the suitcases in the bedrooms, put the food away, gave Aiden a bottle, and started dinner. We should wash these little monsters hands then they can play, the toy bucket is in the corner.”

Susan brushed a hand down his cheek, almost laughing out loud.  Not that much.  She was playing around on the beach and he did 90% of the work.

“How about you get the kids washed and I will finish up dinner quickly.  We should eat outside, it’s still warm and I see we have a very nice table out on the balcony and a lovely view.”

“Perfect, you are a better cook than I am anyway. Keep an eye on Aiden?” John took the youngsters into the bathroom as Susan washed her hands and finished organizing the meal.

Dinnertime was boisterous as usual, but the kids were happy and excited to be at the beach. After dinner, once the kitchen was tidy, they all went for another walk on the beach, Aiden in a wrap snuggled up against her as she and John walked hand in hand, keeping an eye on the kids.

“Wow, look at that sunset.” Susan shielded her eyes, watching the rays reflecting of the water.

“Just wait until you see the sunrise tomorrow... provided you’re awake early enough.”  John squeezed her hand. “We should wander back towards the house, it will start to get dark soon. Probably time to start the bed routine, it will take time for everyone to settle down tonight, so maybe once we have pyjamas on we should put on a movie.”

“After stories? We could do that.”

Baths and stories done, John made some snacks for the kids, and they got everyone settled with movie. Susan sat and fed Aiden, John taking the younger three up to bed as they drifted off to sleep on the couch. Susan finally tucked in Aiden, then John shooed Cosmo and Devon off to their rooms, letting Cosmo keep his light on to read for a bit.

“Half an hour, then lights out, okay? Don’t keep Dev awake.”

“I won’t.” Cosmo promised.

John went back downstairs, meeting Susan in the living room.  

“Quiet time for the big kids.” Susan sighed as she snuggled up to him, letting him wrap his arm around her, draw her close to him.

* * *

 A couple hours later John’s phone started to ring. Susan sighed, knowing exactly who was calling.

“Hi. He’s asleep, they had a busy day.” John told Harper.

“Again? Darn it, these training sessions are starting to go too late. How's he doing?”

“Great. We're at the Vineyard for a couple weeks, so he's going to get lots of sun, sand and fresh air. Can you try to call a bit earlier?  Or maybe we can do a video chat in the morning?  Do you have set break times?  I know he really wants to talk to you, I hate to keep telling him he missed you again, but there was no way we could keep him awake.”

“I know honey, I’m not mad, just disappointed. How about I phone as soon as break time starts and if you are near a computer we can do the video link up, or at the very least he can talk to me?  Usually about ten or right around that time?”

“Sure, I will try to hang around the house a bit with Dev tomorrow morning, not sure what we are up to.”

“Thank you. Say hi to Susan and good night.”  

John clicked the off button, then dropped onto the couch.

“Again? Poor Devon was trying so hard to stay awake, and she calls at like eleven?  Like he's not going to be sleeping? The kid's not even four years old.” Susan was getting annoyed, Harper was still calling pretty much every night, but she always ended up talking to John, hardly ever to Devon. The calls had gotten progressively later over the past few months, and Susan was starting to wonder if the woman did it on purpose.

“I know, I know, I will remind her tomorrow.”

“Remind her?  John, come on, she needs to stop calling so damn late all the time. Tonight wasn’t bad but she often talks to you for at least half an hour, sometimes longer, and she has to know that Devon isn't going to be up, he never is. Please ask her not to call after nine unless it's an emergency?”

John could hear the annoyance in Susan’s tone, and he was worried they were going to have another blowout like New York. “Okay, Susan, I get it.”

“Do you?” Susan stood up. “I’m going to bed. Turn out the lights when you come up later.”

 _Later_. John noted the word. It felt like her saying don’t bother coming up now, because I don’t want to talk to you right now. John sighed, things had been very up and down these past few weeks, but Susan insisted it was all okay, yet tonight he was not so sure.  He turned out the lights, locking the doors, then followed her up the stairs.

“Hey.” He took her in his arms, pulling her in tight. “I get it Susan, I’ll tell her. I’m sorry. Can we rewind here?  We were having such a good night, how did it get so messed up?”

“Just tell her to knock it off, please?”

“Yes, I'll tell her.”

* * *

John had the kids outside on the beach, Aiden cuddled in her arms when the car rolled into the driveway.

“Oh look, Grandpa Jack is here.” Susan gave Aiden a quick kiss on the forehead, wiping his face before heading out onto the large patio as Jack carried the bags up and Barbara stood looking out at the view of the water.

“Susan.” Jack leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek, then rubbed Aiden’s soft downy head. “Aiden, wow he has grown quite a bit even in the short time since we saw him last.  Where’s John?”

“Building sand castles on beach with the kids.  Just me and Aiden here at the house.  We should get you settled in your room and then we could go down and join them for a while.”  Susan bounced the little boy in her arms.

“Ah, sounds good I suppose.”  Jack looked over as Barbara came up to say hello.  

Barbara reached out to take the baby from her, Aiden going willingly.  

“Oh, he’s grown and he is such a darling.”  Barbara cuddled the boy against her, leaning her cheek against his soft hair.

She loved visiting John and Susan, being around the children was a wonderful treat, though it did make her miss Lucy all that much more.  Knowing that she would never have a family like John had managed for himself.  She didn’t begrudge it for a second, he had obviously struggled at some points, however she didn’t yet have the full picture, Jack was a bit tightlipped about his son and his life after the whole incident at County.

“Yes, won’t be long and he will be sitting up and trying to crawl.”  Susan took him back, then led the couple into the house, showing Jack to their room.  

It felt a bit odd, knowing of course that Jack had been here many times, but John had figured out the best rooms for each couple and all the kids. Susan just went with it.

Soon they were back down and putting on sandals, walking down towards the beach. Jack was dressed casually, not something he usually did, but suits were far too formal out here.

John looked up to see Jack and Barbara walking towards them on the sand.  He had been thinking that he should go back up to the house soon, but he didn’t mind staying a bit longer to let everyone have a bit of fresh air on the beach.

He stood, his dad giving him a quick awkward hug, Barbara leaning in to kiss his cheek and give him a proper warm hug.  Barbara was always so warm and affectionate towards him, he almost wished his mother had been like her.  Lucy must have been lucky growing up with her, no doubt they were close just like this. 

“How was the trip?”  John picked up Maya who had come over to cling to his leg, Ava and Ben were still happily digging in the sand and Cosmo and Devon were giggling as they splashed in the tiny waves hitting the shoreline.

“Good.  Looks like everyone has been busy.”  Jack observed the sand castle that was slowly being eaten away by the waves washing up on the shore.  “They’ve all changed again, even the few weeks has been too long.”

John took in this statement, it was odd, he had seen his dad more in the last 6 months than he’s seen him in the past 10 years.  The man seemed genuinely interested for the first time he could ever remember.

“They grow fast, that is for sure.”  

To his surprise, both Jack and Barbara immediately got involved with the kids, Jack going to see what the two older boys were doing at the shore and Barbara going over to talk to Ava and Ben, relieving John of Maya before she did so.  

“Well, I guess we just get to sit and relax.”  John put his arm around his wife, watching as his dad pointed out something in the shallow water near shore to Devon and Cosmo.

“I suppose so.” Susan leaned into him, enjoying the warmth of his embrace.

* * *

 “John!” Susan called out as she dug in the fridge. “I think we are totally out of milk already, and we could use a couple more bottles of wine.”

“Oh, I guess that means a trip into town. If you want to make a list I can go in quickly before the stores close, pick up anything you need.”

“All right.” Susan quickly went through the fridge and made some notes, handing it off quickly to John.

“Jack? Care to go for a drive?”  

“Why not.” Jack was surprised at the invitation, he was all for spending a bit more time with his son. “Let’s go.”

It didn’t take long for them to get to the store,  John was perusing the wine selection when her heard the soft voice behind behind him.

“John?”

He turned, not expecting who was behind him.

“Elaine?”

“Wow!  It has been a really long time.  A very long time.  How are you?”  Elaine scanned him up and down, thinking he was still looking pretty damn good.  

He had always been a good looking guy, but of course he looked much more mature now.

“I’m good.  How are you?”  John smiled, she was a very beautiful woman, even though she was older than him by at least 10 years, she had weathered the aging pretty well.  Her hair was shoulder length, still the same blond colour, and she was wearing an elegant but simple summer dress.

Elaine leaned and gave him a tight hug.

“I’m not too bad.  What are you doing here?”

“Staying up at the house, I haven’t been out to the Vineyard for years.”

“Me either, but some friends invited me up for a few days and I thought I should pick up a couple of bottles as a hostess gift.”  She glanced at the bottle he was holding in his hands, then reached out to touch the ring on his finger.  “You’re married?”

“Yes, bet you never thought you would see the day I got married, right?  You remarry?”

“No, I am not cut out for the whole commitment thing, I am sure you understand that about me.  Well, that is...good John.  Married, you look great by the way.”  She reached into her bag and pulled out a card.  “I would love to...catch up sometime, give me a call.”  She gently placed the card in his hand, the caress as she did it was unmistakeable.

“Elaine.”  John shook his head slightly.  “I don’t know if that is such a good idea.”

She gave him a smile.

“Think about it, and don’t lose my number.  I am in Chicago once in a while, maybe I’ll look you up.”  

Jack came up beside John, scanning the lovely blond who seemed to know John, she looked very familiar.

“Elaine, you remember Jack?”  John politely introduced them.  “He is staying up at the house as well.”

“Of course.”  She held out her hand.  “It’s been a few years, but we used to run into each other at a few of the benefits, though I have not been to one for quite a while.”

“Elaine, you are looking well.  What are you up to this evening?”  Jack did remember, now he heard the name, she had been married to his nephew, Douglas.

“Not too much actually, just settling in.”

“You should come up to the house.”  Jack invited her jovially.

“I am sure she has plans already, Jack.”  John was trying to convey a no to Elaine with a very subtle shake of his head, but she simply smiled.

“Why, that would be just lovely.  I am not sure I quite remember where it is though.  Are you sure it wouldn’t be imposing?”

“No, no.  Susan and Barbara have made a ton of food, we can just give them a quick call and let them know when we are on the way back, I think we have picked up everything but the wine Susan wanted?  John, you could drive back with Elaine in her car, show her the way.”

Unfortunately Jack had driven in his car, so John could not even use the rental car insurance excuse, he felt a bit trapped into driving with Elaine now.  John took the bottles he and Jack had selected up to the cashier while his dad escorted Elaine outside.

John typed a quick text to Susan.  

 _‘Jack just invited someone to dinner._ _’_

Susan had kept her phone close by, in case John had any questions on the list, she frowned slightly, but didn’t argue, they had made plenty of food.

_'Oh, anyone I know?’_

She responded quickly with a slight sigh, she had been hoping for just a quiet dinner, now they had to entertain.  She had gotten used to Jack and Barbara being around, they took care of themselves, didn’t expect special treatment and seemed to help more than hinder.

_‘No. Sorry, I tried to stop him, but she is my cousin’s ex wife.’_

_‘Almost family then. Alright, we have enough, and Barbara has been helping me get the kids to bed, so it will be just Dev, Cosmo and the adults.’_

_‘Thanks, and again, sorry, I tried to prevent it, but... I’ll explain later.’_

”All set?” Jack looked over at John as he came out with the wine, he and Elaine were talking by the car.

“Yes, I let Susan know we were having another person for dinner, so they will be prepared.”

“See you back at the house in a few minutes then.” Jack headed to his own car.

“Good.” Elaine smiled at him and held out her keys. “You can drive, I hate driving.”

Jack was already in his car and leaving, John opened Elaine’s door.

“You could have said no, Elaine. Don’t you think this is going to be a bit weird?” John shook his head, giving her a look as he slid behind the drivers seat and did a quick adjustment.

“I take he doesn’t know... about us.”

“None of the family does Elaine, not something I exactly announced.  Can you be discreet? Don’t stir anything up?”

“Oh I can manage. Sorry, I am just really curious to see John Carter all domesticated with a wife. Maybe a kid or two?”

“Something like that. Elaine, I was serious, I cannot be involved with you.” He pulled out onto the highway, glancing over at her as he maneuvered the car through the light traffic. “No flirting, no comments. I mean it.”

“Oh come on. Will your wife get jealous? Does _she_ know about me?”

“Not exactly, but don’t be surprised if she catches on. She’s pretty sharp.”

“What does she do?”

“She’s a doctor too.”

“Really.  How long have you been married?”

“To her? A year. Second marriage though, the first one didn’t work out so well. I'm sure you understand.”

“All too well. I missed you, John, after I left, went to Europe. I was there for a couple years, and by the time I got back... well, you know how it goes. You were... mmm, you know how it was with us. The sex was so, so, good.” Elaine almost purred, reaching over and running a hand down his thigh. He'd been a sweet and attentive lover, seeing him again brought back desires that she had not thought about for years.

“Elaine. I’m married? I love her, Im not going to do anything to mess it up.  Please, please don’t.” He removed her hand from his leg and pushed it away.

“I thought you might like to be pursued. Though I guess we kind of - pursued each other didn’t we? I’ll be good I promise, I’m house broken.”

“Right, sure you are.” John pulled into he drive way, Jacks car already there and he was inside the house.

* * *

 Susan looked out the window as Jack pulled up, frowning, noting that he was alone in the car.  She watched out the window as he picked the bags of groceries out of the car and brought them across the patio.

“Where’s John?”

“Being a good host. Elaine didn’t remember how to get out to the house, so I offered his services to drive her out?  That way she has her car to get home later.” Jack missed the look on Susan’s face.

 _Elaine_?  She was not sure why that name seemed so familiar, but she watched out the window, barely ten minutes after Jack, John pulled up in a Mercedes convertible with a very attractive blond in the passenger seat. The woman sat expectantly waiting for John to open her door, and held our her hand, forcing him to take it to get her out of the car. Susan was getting a bad feeling about this, she didn’t like how the woman touched him, though he seemed to pull away from her, and said something to her in a low voice.

“Nice to meet you, Elaine.” Susan was polite as was Barbara, she was bouncing Aiden in her arms, the little boy holding his arms out for John as he came in.

“Daddy!” Devon came running down the stairs.

“Hey Dev.” John picked him up and gave him a hug before setting him back on his feet and taking Aiden for his turn.

Elaine was watching this with interest, noting the other boy taking his time down the stairs, inspecting her with eyes very much like Susan’s. Surely not John’s child, the little boy looked nothing like him, while the other two looked a lot like him, even the baby had his deep brown eyes.  

The older boy didn’t seem shy of John, though, that she noticed.

Over dinner, Susan got to hear a few of the stories and she gathered that Elaine was ‘cousin Douglas’s ex wife’. A marriage that lasted only a few short years, then Elaine traveled and hung out at society events. She seemed like a high maintenance woman, the kind John usually avoided, but he did seem to know her fairly well based on the comments Elaine was making so casually.

She also noticed that Elaine spent a lot of time staring down the table at John, who'd seated himself as far away from Elaine as possible. After dinner, he helped Susan clean up, Elaine assisted, but to Susan’s eyes it was more to get closer to John than to actually be of any real help. The small touches seemed too intimate, like there was something the other woman clearly wanted her to know.

John himself felt impossibly uncomfortable for a good portion of the evening, he could see Susan getting more annoyed with Elaine as the evening wore on, and he was not looking forward to later when they were going to be discussing her visit, this he knew. It was a relief when it came time for her to take her leave, it had felt like a very long evening.

“Walk me out?” Elaine looked up at John she had said her goodbyes, John knew he could not politely refuse as much as he wanted to.

He opened her door, she stood and looked at him for a long moment with a smile.

“Look me up John, or I might just have to track you down in Chicago.”

“Elaine, don’t okay?  What we had was nice, but it was years ago and I told you, I’m married.”  He said in a low voice. “You made your choice a long time ago, you made it very clear what the relationship was to you, don’t think you can just drop in on my life all these years later and I'm going to come running.”

“I see.  We had something good, it was fun, it could be again. I don’t want anything serious now either John, but... if you get bored in the suburbs then you know where to find me.”

She slid into the car and John shut her door.

“You weren’t meant to be a one woman kind of guy, John. She’s nice and all, but... the whole wife and kid thing is going to drag you down, I’ll be available when that point comes. She would never even have to know, I can be your little... diversion.”

She gave a little wave and pulled out of the driveway, back on the road to town. John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, not quite wanting to deal with what was surely coming.

* * *

 “That was... really weird.”  Susan  came out on the patio, John was sitting sipping a drink, looking out at the moon hanging over the water. She slid her hands over his shoulders. “Care to tell me what that was all about?” 

He shook his head. “Not important Susan. Jack decided to be polite and invite her out here, she was married to my cousin.”

“Yes, but why does the name Elaine ring a bell with me.” Susan was frowning at him, thinking about the conversations they’d had, she was sure there was more to the story. “Oh wow.”  

“What?”

“You told me about her. One of the women who said it was only about... oh holy shit. You brought her out here?  What did she say to you, and Jack has no idea right?”

“Of course he doesn’t have any idea, I don’t announced these things to my family, Susan.  We had a thing, okay?  I tried to subtly get her to turn the invitation down, but she decided she just had to come out and meet you.  It was over ten years ago, I haven’t seen her in forever. It was a coincidence she was in the store when we were picking up the wine.”

“She came on to you.” Susan knew this to be true without even asking. The woman had spent half the meal staring down the table at him like she wanted to rip his clothes off. Subtle was not in woman’s vocabulary, that was evident.

“Yes. I’m not going to lie, she told me if I got bored I should look her up in Chicago. I told her I wasn't interested. Bygones, you know? I’m sorry, Susan, I'm not the one who asked her to come out, I'd have been happy to just let her go on her way, but Jack insisted.”

“Of course. Look, its fine, it was just... uncomfortable, it bothers me when women look at you like that.”

“Like what?” John wrapped his arms around her, pulling her down into his lap.

“Like she wanted to eat you for lunch, like she wanted to rip your clothes off.” Susan turned, running her fingers into his hair. “That’s my job.”

Her voice was soft and sultry, she leaned in to nibble on his earlobe.

“I think its time for bed.” She whispered. “Except we need a new bed, that one is... squeaky.”  

“Wait here.” John went into the house, Jack was just getting ready to go upstairs.

“Oh there you are, we were heading to bed.” 

“We were just going to take a little walk on the beach, do you mind listening for the kids for a while?”  

“Not at all, it’s a nice night, and you two should take advantage of having a little alone time.  I don’t think your wife was all that thrilled about our dinner guest.”

“Ah, not really.  Do you mind?  Might be nice to have a little fire on the beach, we have the fire pit down there.”

“Go ahead, we will leave our door open a bit so we can hear if anyone gets up.  Good night.”  

“Night.”

John grabbed a couple blankets, put a few things into a small basket, then went back out to the patio, handing it to Susan.  John took a small box off the deck and added a bit of firewood, some matches and kindling.

“What are you doing?”

“You’ll see. Let’s go.”  

They walked down to the beach, John put the bucket down on the sand near a ring of rocks. Susan smiled, she had not noticed the fire pit on the beach before, she spread out one of the blankets while he got the fire going.

“Clever. Do Jack and Barbara know we’re not in the house?”

“Yes, Jack said they would listen for the kids. He knows where we are if they really need us, but I expect they will manage, the kids sleep through the night generally.”

He sat and patted the blanket beside him, drawing her into his arms, letting her lean on him.

“Nice. So peaceful out here, I love it.  Reminds me of high school, we used to go down to the beach and hang out some nights.” Susan listened to the waves washing onto the shore. The moon was hanging low over the water, it was pleasantly warm cuddled up in John’s arms by the fire.

“I know, when we used to come out here as kids it was a big deal to have a fire on the beach, then of course when we were teenagers, Chase and I used to come out here after Gamma had gone to bed. We would sneak out, but she knew we were out here, or so I found out years later.  Sometimes we would walk up the beach to the next house and hang out there too. It seemed to be a gathering place.”

“I suppose not too much trouble you can get into, it’s not far from the house but it feels so private and secluded. I suppose it is, considering how far away the next house is from here. Must have been quite a walk, though I am sure all the teenage girls made it worth the trouble.”

“Especially the cute blond ones.” John teased her. “You know how I like my blond women.” He nibbled on her neck.  

“Uh-huh, so you're telling me your first real girlfriend was blond?”

“She was actually. Gwen. I was fourteen and she was really cute... or I thought so at the time anyway, and a lot of the guys thought so too.  I met her at the sailing club and we hung out a lot of the summer.”

“Did you have sex with her?”

“Ah, yes, I did as a matter of fact, we fooled around on her parents sailboat. When they weren’t around obviously.”

“No wonder you like sailing so much.” Susan quipped. “Much nicer than the shed, that was a scary minute.”

“Lloyd was a real romantic obviously, and a whole minute?”

“Well, I don’t think he had been with many girls. He said he wasn’t a virgin, but who knows, anyway he was cute, but I bet you were cuter. In fact, I know you were, I’ve seen pictures of you when you were a teenager, you were really cute.”

“I bet you were too, funny how you don’t seem to have albums, do you have some boxes hiding?”

“I guess I should show you some time. Anyway, how long was your first time with Gwen. Longer than a minute?”

“I wasn’t timing it Susan, but I can safely say yes, longer than a minute.”

“Somehow I believe you.” Susan was thinking that of course with Gwen it was not his first time, and given his control now, it would not surprise her at all. “A long walk to get a little loving. This place is nice though, worth it.”

“We do own quite a few acres with this house, and we’ve owned it for years. The residents here are trying to block development so there will not be much pressure to sell or subdivide either, if you like it here over time we can fix up the house, it needs some maintenance, but it is a great layout and location.”

“Get some new furniture?  I feel very self conscious making love in that bed, especially with other people in the house, I would feel like everyone was listening.  Last night was fine, it was just the kids and they were all sleeping.”

“I hear you.” John laughed, then reached into the basket, pulling out a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses. “Drink?”

“Oh, you thought of everything.” Susan took the offered glass and he opened the wine, pouring some for her, along with a quarter glass for himself.

“You're worried about the bed, how about the noisy woman in the bed.”  John whispered against her hair.  “We can get a new bed, no problem, but you are going to have to learn to be quieter when I make love to you.”

“You never complain at home.”

“Nope, I love it baby, but if you are worried about everyone listening to us? That is an old house so unless we sound proof that bedroom?  Everyone is going to hear you in any case. In the new house it is not as much of an issue.”

Susan could not argue that point, but she still wanted some new furniture.

“I still want a new bed.”

“Done, we can go into town and buy one in the next couple days.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, sipping their drinks, enjoying the small crackling fire, before Susan tucked her empty glass into the basket, taking John’s from him as well.  She moved back into his arms, leaning in to kiss him tenderly, before pushing him back on the blanket. Her light sundress came off quickly, leaving her in skimpy bra and thong panties.

“You are so amazing. John ran his hands up her body, over her hips, gazing up at her as she removed her bra, dropping it on the sand on top of her dress.

“You are overdressed.” Susan started to unbutton his shirt and his hands moved to cup her breasts, thumbs sweeping over her nipples.  “Mmm, that feels good.”

John noticed her voice was husky, full of desire, making him very aroused.  She was starting to run her hands over his now bare chest, straddling him as she leaned in, claiming his mouth, letting her tongue probe the slight sweetness left by the wine.

Susan was kissing him and working on his pants, he helped her remove them, she took his boxers along with them and they ended up on the sand beside her dress.  He rolled them over, Susan welcoming his warm weight as he kissed his way down her body, her panties now added to the pile on the sand.  She let her hands wander into his hair, letting her hips rise up to meet him, moaning softly as he loved her tenderly in the flickering firelight.

“Oh John.” She whispered as they lay holding each other in the aftermath. “That felt so good, I love you so much.”

“I love you too baby.” He kissed her softly, reaching out for the second blanket, flipping it over top of them.  

* * *

Susan woke up a couple hours later, feeling relaxed, but slightly chilled, even with the blanket over her.

“You’re awake.  I was just thinking we should go back to the house, it’s getting cold out, and I for one need a more comfortable bed.”  He handed her dress, shaking off the sand.  She noted he had put on his shirt and pants, he helped her up and shook out the blankets, wrapping one around her shoulders.  “You don’t have much on.”

“I didn’t think we would be out here that long.” 

He handed her the basket, picking up the matches and the empty box from the wood.

“I didn’t mean for us to be, we both fell asleep and the fire died down too much to be of any use to keep warm.  We’ll leave the rest of the wood, I am sure we will want a couple fires on the beach while we are here.”

“Maybe, though Luka and Lexi will be here tomorrow sometime, so I don’t know if they will be naked beach fires like tonight.”

“Perhaps not.” John gave her a little smile. “We may have to be...creative.”

Susan slid her hand into his as the walked back up to the house, tiptoeing in and locking the door.

* * *

The next morning dawned bright and warm, and despite the late night, both John and Susan were awake early.  They took a walk along the beach, watching the sunrise together before returning to the house for breakfast.  

The kids were up not long after they returned, followed by Jack and Barbara, everyone going down to the beach as the morning warmed up.

“Well, I didn’t see that one coming.”  Jack said quietly to John.  Susan and Barbara had taken Aiden and the younger kids back to the house, John was watching Devon and Cosmo make a sand castle.

“See what coming.”

“Elaine Nichols.  She was your cousins wife you know.”  Jack glanced over at his son, he was pretty sure no one had missed the tension, or the way she was looking at John.  The not so subtle request to be walked out to the car.  “Be careful with that one, she’s a home wrecker.”

Jack stared out over the water, thinking about what he had learned.   Well, his son sure had been around.  Susan, Elaine, Abby, Kem, Wendall the social worker at the hospital that Abby had mentioned, Harper...that was as many women as Jack had slept with in his life and those were all in the last 10 years from what Jack could gather.  Jack really had only a couple of affairs, the first several years of his marriage had been reasonably good, until Bobby had died that is.

“What are you implying?”  John picked up and skipped a rock across the water.

“I’m not implying anything and we both know it.  The way she was looking at you, I didn’t pick up on it at first, but now I know why you were so hesitant about her coming to the house for dinner.  She agreed pretty fast, and she got you alone, I was watching when you walked her out, she made an offer, right?”

“So?  I’m not going to see her again, you were the one who was insistent she come out here, not me.  I would have happily let her walk out of that store without another word.  Then you insisted I drive her?  Not my doing.”

“Perhaps not. So, did it happen before or after they divorced?”

“After. I don’t sleep with married women.”

“Ah, honesty. I was not sure you were going to admit it. Does Susan know?”

“Yes, she knows. It happened a very long time ago, Susan lived in Phoenix back then, I was single, Elaine was divorced.”

“It didn’t get serious?”

“No. We saw each other maybe a couple months, why?”

“No reason, just... she's a lot older than you, probably ten years older than you in fact, just surprising to me that you would be interested in her. Though, she is blond and incredibly attractive, she always was.”

“Yeah, you caught me, I like blond women as a rule, and yes she’s attractive. She’s not a bad person or anything,”

Jack was a bit surprised at the whole thing with Elaine, she was a much older woman, but John just shrugged it off.  Part of getting to know his son, he supposed, he liked older women.  

“Well, just be careful.”  

“A little late for the whole ‘talk’ there Jack.  I already told you, I don’t have any intention of being anywhere near Elaine Nichols, I know what she wants, we didn’t even get out of the store before she was offering up the goods.”

“What?”

“She gave me her card, told me we should  _catch up._ _”_ John stressed the words ‘catch up’.  

“Um, so she propositioned you in the store?” 

“Not that unusual, not the first time either, and she would have just gone away if you hadn’t jumped in and invited her out here.”

“Women proposition you in stores regularly?”  Jack raised an eyebrow at his son.

“In stores, on airplanes, at work, can’t tell you how many women asked me out when I worked at County.  Kind of used to it, I can handle it.”

“Like you handled it when that Harper woman offered up the goods?”

“Not the same thing Jack. I already told you why, Susan and I are in a different place in our relationship. I'm not going to cheat on Susan and we already talked about it,  so you can let it go already.”

“Okay, I’ve let it go.”

* * *

Luka and Lexi arrived with the kids a few hours, which rounded out the party nicely. The kids were constantly busy, Devon and Joe off and running, with someone in constant pursuit.

“This is a nice place John.”  

They were sitting out on the patio, each holding a baby, while Jack and Barbara danced attendance on Ava, Ben and Maya, Susan and Lexi inside making dinner. The older boys were chasing each other around the lawn.

“It is. Hard to believe it has been so long since I’ve been out here, but Susan and the kids seem to like it, so might have to start coming out more often.  I noticed the house needs a few things done to it, so maybe this fall I will hire someone to fix it up a bit.  Susan is dying for some new furniture, it has been well used over the years, but I think everyone has gotten busy and forgotten the place is even here.  Of course the grandparents used to have everyone out here in turns during the summers, but now with them gone no one is using it. I can change the locks and make it our private little haven.”

“Lexi was so excited, she had never been out here in the summer.”

“Most people haven’t Luka, the average person wouldn’t even bother trying to get a rental out here, it books up fast. My family has owned this place as long as I can remember.”

“You up for some sailing while we are here?”

“Absolutely.  We have a boat at the Marina actually, I took our boat out of dry dock in Boston and had a crew sail it over. It’s been a while, but Jack is up for it, he knows how to sail, between the three of us we can manage it, we won’t go out if the weather turns bad though.”

“How are things with Jack?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Okay I suppose, he seems interested in being around the kids, we’ve had a few talks, managed not to argue about too much.”

“You seem... a lot better too, John. I was worried there for a while, you and Susan have had a few fights lately.”

“Up and down Luka, I have to admit adding in another child, the hormones and then dealing with Harper?  She has been a bit... moody sometimes and I'm trying to get it out of her, but she is being evasive.  She won’t let it out, there's something bothering her, but she keeps saying it's all okay. I’ll be honest, I’ve been talking to a therapist, for a while now. I needed to deal with Eleanor dropping back into my life, and Jack of course, and a few other things that I won’t get into.  Overall I’m happy, but maybe I'll always need that outlet. Susan is great, but having a totally unbiased view point has helped, though I have been wondering if I should make her come with me for a visit once we get back. See if we can figure out what's making her so moody.”

“I hope things are okay.  I'm not aware of her saying anything to Lexi, and you seem to be doing all right now.”

“On the surface and some days are really great, and then something little happens and she wigs out, like she did in New York. Then we make up and it’s all good for a while, then she does it again. To be expected I guess, six kids, and five of them are practically babies still.  I suppose things had to change sometime.  Maybe we're over the honeymoon phase or something.”

“Perhaps.” Luka shrugged. “Lexi and I have our moments too, add in a grouchy irritable ex and a grouchy irritable Joe, we have had our share of fights. Though you have to tone down your apologies, man, did I ever hear about the flowers and spoiling Susan got in New York.”

“Sorry. I'll try not to be too apologetic.” John shook his head ruefully.

“See that you aren’t, it makes the rest of us men look bad.” Luka sipped his drink. “I did therapy for a while too, you know things haven’t been easy. You’ve kind of seen me at my worst, I fell into some bad habits for a while, the drinking, the women, then when I lost it on that guy who attacked us that time? The one that died?”

John nodded, he remembered, and at the time he’d been judgemental, but now he was older and hopefully wiser, he understood.

“You’ve seen me at my worst too, Luka. I think we can both agree neither of us are angels, we both have our demons we need to deal with. Susan understands that, and she's supportive of what I'm doing.”

“You know we have started taking Joe? Abby has been resistant, she won’t go to the sessions.”

“Not surprising. She said she has been seeing someone, but I'm not so sure she still is?” John was quiet for a moment. “You probably don’t want to hear this from me, but... be careful, I have noticed a change in her too and it is possible she’s drinking again. I have no proof of it, but she's really moody.”

“I will watch for the signs. I know I always gave you a hard time, told you it was crazy and I recognize I was enabling her.”

“You didn’t know, she was secretive about being an alcoholic.  Which is fine to a certain extent, but she didn’t tell me until I ran into her at a meeting and she had to admit it.  She knew I was going to find out sooner or later, so she had to confess, right?  But she would go out with Deb and Susan sometimes and she was drinking when she would go out and she never told them until I let it slip, I didn’t realize she hadn’t said anything, and they were supposed to be her friends.”

“Yeah, I dated her and didn’t know, so I get it.  Looks like we are being summoned for dinner.”  

John looked over as Susan came over, taking Aiden out of his arms.

“Go get washed for dinner, I'll put him in bed.”

* * *

 John slid out of bed early the next morning, Susan grumbled sleepily.

“I’m going for a swim, go back to sleep.” John kissed her cheek, then let himself out.  

The morning was still cool, but John was feeling like he had not been doing enough. He'd gotten into a routine of regular workouts, but the house was not set up for it, and he had decided maybe he should just swim every morning.  He used to do it all the time when he was younger, he and Chase would go out in the mornings for an early swim.

He dove into the cold water, setting up a strong and steady pace, running parallel to the shore line. He didn’t want to get out too far, it was always best to be careful and he was swimming alone.  He was not all that worried, he was a very good swimmer, having competed in school.  He finally turned back, wading out of the water, picking up his towel that he had left on the sand.

“Good morning.”

The feminine voice startled him, coming from right behind his back. He still hated having people sneak up on him and he felt his heart pounding as he took a couple deep breaths.

“Barbara. I didn’t think anyone else was up yet.”

“I’m an early riser, and the morning looked so beautiful, I thought I'd take a walk along the beach.”

Barbara discreetly was taking him in, swim trunks, no shirt, she could see faint scar lines running up his abdomen, and she had seen a couple of very faint ones on his back as she approached. It hurt her, knowing where he had gotten those scars, that he had barely survived the attack, and her precious daughter had died.

“You should join me. If you like.” Barbara watched as he pulled on a t-shirt, he seemed quite aware she had been studying him.

“Sure, if you’d like. Trying to get in some exercise.”

“Like chasing children around all day and all the activity you’ve been doing isn’t exercise?” Barbara found this humorous, but then again, by the looks of him without his shirt, he really did work out regularly. She hated to stare but he was a good looking man, it had not escaped her, and she understood why her daughter found him attractive.

“Well, you have me there, but it’s not the same as a workout per se. It’s stress relief too, keeps things on track.”

They started to walk down the beach, John carrying his sandals, knowing that further down it could get a bit rocky and hard on the feet.  He wasn't sure how far she intended to walk.

“John, I don’t mean to...”  Barbara sighed.  “The scars, that... man... he did that to you, didn’t he?”

“Sobricki. Yes, well, he is certainly responsible for the majority of them yes.” John tried to keep his voice even and without too much emotion. Out of everyone, he felt like perhaps Barbara deserved to ask.

“Sorry. I hate to bring up such a painful memory. I do need to apologize again though, I was so thoughtless when I came to see you, all I could do was babble on about Lucy. It was such a blur.”

“You don’t need to apologize. You lost your daughter, losing a child is unbearably painful, nothing can make it better, time only eases the pain, but you never forget, do you?”  

“No, of course not. I catch myself wondering what her life would have been like if that horrible man had never walked into the ER that day. If someone else had helped him. I know he was sick, but it doesn’t make it easier.”

“No, it doesn’t.  He still took her away from you, I have a hard time with it too, I have never been able to truly forgive him either.  He changed lives, and nothing can fix it.  Believe me, I would do anything to be able to rewind that day, I never saw it coming.  She loved you, Barbara, small consolation, but she talked about you all the time.”

“She did?”

“She did. We worked together a lot. She was great, smart, stubborn, but she cared about her patients, she made a difference in a lot of lives while she was at County.”

“She talked a lot about you too. This is silly to say now, but... I wondered if she had lived... if maybe you might have ended up being a bigger part of her life. She cared a lot about you, John. She'd be happy that you ended up married to such a wonderful woman, with a beautiful family.” Barbara let that sit between them for a moment.  “I have to admit, I would have loved you as a part of _my_ family.”

John didn’t quite know what to say to that...was she suggesting that he and Lucy might have ended up together with the family?  He wasn’t so sure, she had been a student and he was ready to apply for Chief Resident.  He was ready to find the woman he wanted to marry and have a family and she was just staring residency.  Not that it would have been so bad really, he had to admit there had been a bit of a spark between them and Barbara would have been...wonderful as a mother in law.

“Sorry, that was probably a little too forward.  But its true, the more I get to know you, and from all that Lucy said, I would have loved you as my son.”

“No, I doubt that, Barbara.”  John felt saddened by her words, all the could have beens in his life.   “I’m a mess half the time, I haven’t always set the best example, and I’ve made huge mistakes in my life.  Lucy would have been far better off with someone a little more together, a lot more together really. My life has been...difficult in many ways, and she would have been tired of me before long.”

“I am not so sure about that, but I still feel like I know you.  Odd that I seem to know you better than your dad does, and I have wondered about that, how you two are so far apart.”

“Easy.  My brother died when I was almost 11 and then I was shuffled off to boarding school.  My parents traveled a lot, and I was never with them.  My family was not thrilled about my career choices either, we drifted apart over time.  We haven’t spent a lot of time together, the past few months...that is the most we’ve seen each other in years.  I lived in Africa for a few years too and that didn’t help either.”

“I remember you saying that.  Why did you go there?”

“Originally I was just volunteering, then the second time I went to help a friend.  I ended up staying for a while, and I met someone, who I later married, she was French Congolese, so we lived in Paris and Africa for the most part.  Things didn’t work out as planned for various reasons and I ended up back in Chicago.  We were starting divorce proceedings when I Susan and I began seeing each other and it went from there.”

“I’m sorry, that could not have been easy.  Things seem to be going well between you and Jack now though he was quite excited about coming out here to join you and your family for the week.”  Barbara looked over at him.  “Is it difficult for me to be here?  For you I mean?  A reminder of things past?”

“Well, I won’t lie and say it isn’t a bit strange, how you and Jack seemed to hit it off.  Of course you remind me of Lucy, but it’s not a bad thing.  I have to say, if you and Jack are both happy, then its all good, right?  Jack asked the same thing, you know.”

“What did you say?”

“Life is too short not to at least try to be happy.  Maybe this was meant to be, I bet Lucy would like to see you happy, and if Jack does that for you, then you should keep seeing him.  Don’t make any decisions on my account, I don’t want to be responsible for you giving up something that you want in your life.”

“Perhaps it is fate, if I am with Jack, then you do in fact become my son.”

John laughed at this.

“I suppose so, but don’t get too excited about it.  You haven’t been around me long enough, my wife can tell you, I have my flaws, no chance anyone would mistake me for being perfect.”

John didn’t add that his dad could sure tell her how disappointed he could be in his son, maybe he just should not get into it with her.  He didn’t want to interfere with the budding relationship, it would work or not work on its own merits.

“No one expects you to be perfect.  From what I can see, you are a good husband, a good father, and you have done a lot to help a great many people with your work as a doctor.”  Barbara stopped and turned to him.  “I understand things have not been easy for you, your dad admits he has not been there when he should have been, and I know he desperately wants to fix things with you.  That you are giving him the chance says a lot.”

“Not sure what it says to be honest, but...he does seem to be trying, so he has the chance.  I cannot promise anything other than we will see how it goes.”  John looked at his watch, noting it was 7:30 already.  “I have to go back, are you ready to turn around or are you going a bit further?”  

He knew he had to eat and take his medication, it would be tight to get back on time.

“I’ll walk back with you.  I imagine everyone will be up and ready for breakfast.”

* * *

 Susan was anxiously looking at her watch, John had been gone for a very long time, and it was getting close to 8 am.  He should have been back from his swim, she was sure he had said he was going to swim, but it took a while for it to register.  The thought that he should not be out there alone.

On top of that, he needed to take his medication, and she knew he would not have taken it down to the beach.  The kids were up, she couldn’t just go without taking them all with her or getting another adult up.  Lexi came down stairs just as Susan was thinking about getting someone else to take care of the kids.

“Lex, can you watch the kids?”  Susan slid on her sandals.

“What’s wrong Susan?  You seem upset about something.”  

“John went out for a swim, he’s been gone a long time, I’m a bit worried.  I just want to check the beach, make sure he’s okay.”

“Go, go.  I will keep an eye on things.”

Susan almost ran down to the beach, seeing his damp towel on a rock, then looking along the shore, letting out a sigh of relief, seeing John and Barbara walking towards her.

“Hi honey.”  John leaned in to kiss her.  “What are you doing down here?”

“Looking for you.  You were gone a long time, I thought you got washed out to sea or something.” Susan gave him a hug. “You need to come and have some breakfast.  Good morning Barbara.”

“Oh, no, sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I had finished my swim and Barbara asked if I wanted to go for a walk up the beach.  It’s so nice out, and I have been slacking on my exercise, so I joined her.”

“So I see. It’s almost 8eight”  She tapped his watch.

“I know, that is why we came back.  I am sure everyone will be ready to eat soon.”  John slid his arm around her waist, scooping up his towel on the way by.

* * *

The days flew by in a blur of sailing, sun, sand, and visits to the beach.  The only thing that marred it for Susan was the continuing calls of Harper on daily basis.  Even though she was now calling earlier, she still monopolized too much of Johns time for Susan’s liking.   

Luka and Lexi headed back home to Chicago after a week, then Jack and Barbara, leaving the two of them for a final couple of days.

John was attentive and loving as usual, but Susan still could not keep running back to the conversation with Abby about emotional affairs and how they could so easily turn into more.  John had been at her to talk to him, but she didn’t quite know how to voice her thoughts, she was fearful on how the conversation would go.  

“I am just going to put these away, I will be right back.”  John was tucking away some of the extra furniture before they left the next day for home.

“All right, I’ll tuck Aiden into bed.”

Susan had just done so, and given a sigh of relief that the kids were all asleep when John’s cell phone rang.  She looked at the call display and picked it up, clicking the answer button.

“Hi honey, how are you?” The feminine voice purred down the line.


	60. Unbreak My Heart

John took the bags up the stair. It had been a very long and cold flight home. Fortunately he’d been busy flying the plane which kept his mind off whatever was going on.

_He’d gone out to put a few things away, coming back to find it had gotten incredibly frosty. He wasn’t sure what had turned the tide, but Susan had been silently packing up the few things left in the kitchen._

_”Hey baby, what do you need help with?”  He leaned in for a kiss, Susan turned away ._

_John frowned, confused, it had been less than ten minutes, but a sudden moodiness had taken over in his brief absence. “Susan?"_

_“Nothing, go find something else to do, I can manage the kitchen without you.”_

_“Um, okay. Is everything alright? What happened?”_

_“Nothing, go.” She waved her hand at him impatiently, not meeting his eyes._

_“Nothing,” he said quietly, knowing it wasn't ‘nothing’ when it had turned into the arctic. “It doesn’t seem like nothing.”_

_He stepped towards her, trying to get her to look at him. She avoided him, leaving the room to ‘find’ something, keeping herself busy.  John leaned on the counter, staring out through the glass, seeing the path of light reflecting off the moon onto the water. It had been such a good trip overall, he’d thought they were getting past whatever it was that had been making her nuts lately, but obviously not._

_He decided to give her some space, which sometimes seemed to work, so he slid on a sweatshirt and went for a long walk on the beach, searching his mind for an answer._

_Susan rolled over in the bed, turning her back and closing her eyes, hearing John come up the stairs.  It had been about an hour since she’d come up to bed, but she had not slept at all, she was so used to curling up in his arms._

_The house had been silent for a long time after she’d walked out of the kitchen, she’d heard him leave the house, she was not sure where he’d been, but she heard the stairs creak under his weight.  The brief few minutes as she knew he was checking on the kids, and then his quiet movements in the room, the mattress sinking under his weight as he crawled under the covers._   _He tentatively reached out and rubbed her shoulder, which made her twitch and pull away slightly._

_His hand withdrew, he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling for a couple minutes, she knew he was waiting for her to speak._

_“So are you going to let me in on what’s going on with you?  I spent the last hour walking on the beach, trying to figure out exactly what’s happening here, but...baby please talk to me.”_

_Susan could feel the tears trickling down her face._

_“You don’t get it John, you don’t get it.”_

_“No, I’m sorry, I don’t. Make me understand Susan, please...you've been running hot and cold for the last month and I don’t know what to do here. I’ve asked you what is wrong and you say nothing. But nights like tonight, I could freeze to death and it's June.”  John rolled onto his side, staring at her back. “Susan, I really need you to talk to me, I can’t do this mind reading thing. I need you to tell me straight up what is bothering you.”_

_“Nothing, never mind John.”_

_“Nothing. Damn it Susan, nothing?  You won’t even look at me, and you tell me its nothing?  There's something that needs fixing, but we can’t fix it if one of us doesn’t know exactly what the problem is. I love you, but I can’t do this. The silence, the walking away?  I never expected that from you. What happened to ‘we can talk about anything’? Why are you so unhappy lately?”_

_“I’m not, I’m tired, let me sleep.”  Susan swiped her hand across her face._

_“You're doing a damn good impression of it though. Miserable and unhappy, that’s how you seem right now, and I can’t let it go. I love you, it you aren’t happy then how do you expect me to let that go?  Could you at least look at me and say it?  Look me in the eye and tell me that there's nothing wrong, nothing bothering you.” John waited, but still she didn’t turn. “Well, that about says it all, doesn’t it.”_

_He slid out of the bed, pulling on his clothes, pausing briefly at the door. She was crying silently, not wanting him to leave, but also not wanting him to stay.  he heard the long intake of breath before he was gone._

Susan settled the kids as John organized and put things away, then he took over with the twins, getting them bathed and into pyjamas, tucking them in with a story. They went through the bedtime routine without so much as a word to each other.

Susan could feel his eyes on her, but she ignored him, she didn’t know how to feel anymore. That last phone call had put her over the edge. _Honey_. Her soft purring voice, almost seductive.

_“He’s not your honey, quit calling so damn late.” Susan snapped into the phone._

_“Susan.”_

_“Yes, Susan. I’ve had enough, he’s my husband, Harper.  Whatever little game you're playing here, stop, now.”  The anger bubbled up, boiling over. She wasn’t wrong, this woman had a hold over him and she might never let go._

_“Sorry. I don’t mean anything by it you know. Just... sorry, I wanted to talk to him about Dev, can you have him call me tomorrow.”_

_Susan stood staring at the dead phone, the connection abruptly cut._

* * *

 John wasn't sure what to say or do, any moves he'd made to talk to her, to touch her, to connect had been rebuffed. He stayed, only because he had children who needed him, and he was hoping she might finally say something to give him a clue. This was too much like Kem, too much like Abby, too much like every damn relationship he’d ever had.  Was this the end?  Did she want out?  He didn’t have the courage to ask, not knowing what else to do or say.

His phone rang, he stared down at the call display, he could see the look coming at him from Susan, but he answered anyway.  She wasn’t talking to him, it might be nice to speak to someone who wasn’t acting like the ice queen. “Hi.”

“Hi. You didn’t call me back,”  Harper said softly.

“Call you back?” John frowned.

“Yeah, sorry about last night.”  

“Last night?” He could see Susan out of the corner of his eye, she was purposely not looking at him now. “What are you talking about?”

“She didn’t tell you?” Harper sighed.

“No.” He suddenly got the picture, it snapped into focus. Harper. Again. “Tell me.” He walked out of the room, going downstairs into his office and shutting the door with a bang.  

“Yikes, take it easy. What is going on?”

“Tell me, Harper. What happened last night?” John paced rubbing his hands through his hair.

“I phoned and said hi honey how are you. And then I realized it wasn’t you, it was Susan.  She flipped out John, told me you were not my honey, stop calling so late, she seemed upset. She didn’t say anything?”

“No.” He sank onto the couch, rubbing a weary hand over his face. “She hasn’t said much of anything to me. We’re not talking.”

“Shit. I’m so sorry, John. What can I do?”

“Nothing, Harper.  It’s better you don’t get involved, it will only make things worse.” He sighed. “Can you tone down the phone calls?  Call earlier or don’t call unless it's important?  Until I get to the bottom of whatever is going on in her mind?”

“I’m your friend John, why does she take such an exception to me talking to you, phoning you?”

“I think it was the _honey_ part, Harper. I don’t want to get into it...please, until I can figure out things with Susan.”

“Okay. For you, I will back off a bit. Can you video me in with Dev sometime this week though?  I have tomorrow off.”

“Tomorrow, yes, I can set you up with Dev, text me what time would work. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay. John? I really am sorry, is she that mad?”

“Oh yeah, she won’t talk to me, won’t even look at me. It will be bad, when the dam goes, I don’t know what's going to happen.  I have to go.” John hit the disconnect, knowing now he had to jump in with both feet, and he wasn't looking forward to it.

Susan could feel his look when he took the call, and she knew he was cluing in.  She heard the office door shut, he wasn’t quiet about it.  She wished she could get in her car and drive away, she knew she was going to have to say it.

It was a few minutes later when she looked up to see him standing in the doorway, watching her.  She said nothing, still going about her unpacking.

“Harper. This is about Harper right?”  John’s voice was dead calm, he stepped in and shut the bedroom door with a click.

Susan shrugged, still not looking at him.

“Damn it, Susan, is this how it is going to go?  After everything, this is how you want it?  You are not even going to try?  You're not going to say a word, share a little of what you are thinking or feeling?”  John sighed in frustration.  “Okay, how about I go first.  I don’t understand and you're going to have to speak sometime Susan.  I thought we had something, you and I, I thought you wanted to be with me. If you don’t, if you feel differently now, then tell me so.”

Silence fell, he said nothing further, letting the heavy stillness fall over them.

“You’re having an affair with her,” Susan said quietly.

“What?” John froze. “I’m not sleeping with Harper. That's what you think?  Really?”

“No, an emotional affair, John.”

“A what? What the hell are you talking about?”  John shook his head. “I’m not following.”

“An emotional affair.  She calls, you answer no matter what time she calls, she calls you cute little pet names, she is all over you when we see her.  You are emotionally involved with her, and it only leads to one thing.”

“Uh, okay. What does it lead to?”

“Sex. You sleeping with her. Maybe you aren’t now, but you will be at some point.”  Susan sniffled.

“We’re back to this again. Susan, she is the mother of my son, I _have_ to have involvement with her. I care about her yes, but I’m not in love with her, I’m not having an affair, that’s crazy. I don’t know why you feel so...threatened by Harper, she’s part of my past and I can’t change it.”

“So why do you let her call you at all hours. It’s exactly like you and Abby.”

“Abby? I haven’t talked to Abby in months. I told her to stop calling me, the only time I see her is the times I’ve dropped Joe off, when we’ve had him out to the house.  What does Abby have to do with this?”

“When she was dating Luka, she admits she had an affair with you.”

“I didn’t have an affair with Abby, we were friends. I sure the hell didn’t sleep with Abby when she was with Luka!”

“Oh, so you really did make up the rumour you had slept with her?  So mature. Anyway, I meant an emotional affair.”

“I didn’t make up a rumour about sleeping with Abby. Maybe people assumed there was more going because we spent so much time together. we went to meetings, she was my sponsor for a while when I first came back from Atlanta.” He took a couple steps towards her, she backed away. “Explain to me, what in the hell is an emotional affair anyways.”

Susan brushed away her tears. “Where you spend a lot of time with someone, where you let feelings get involved, even when the other person, or you, are with someone else. Abby admitted she started fighting with Luka, to get him to break up with her so she could date you. You’re doing it with Harper, you spend a lot of time with her, you talk to her, it’s taking away from what we have, you’re so close to her. Closer with her than you are with me.  That’s what it is.”  Susan crossed her arms. “I can’t deal with it anymore, she’s the one you really want to be with.”

‘No, Susan, she’s not the one I really want to be with. We have been over this so many times, I don’t know what else to say. I'm not in love with her, we had an affair, yes, it’s no secret. I’m not proud of it, but yes, I cheated on my wife.  I was hurting, Susan, it happened and I can never take it back. I thought we were in a good place, and suddenly over the last month you’ve gotten crazy. After New York, it hasn’t been the same.   _Fucking_ _Abby_ , she’s putting these thoughts in your head.  When were you talking to Abby.”  He narrowed his eyes. “Oh wow, she came out to pick up Joe, about a _month_ ago, which is right about when you started acting so fucking crazy. So this whole...bullshit scenario has been floating around in there all month?  Because of some conversation with Abby?”

“Crazy? It’s not crazy or bullshit, John. Admit it, you did it to Luka with Abby, you did it to Wendall with Kem and now you’re doing it to me. You need to decide what you really want.”

“I _want_ you Susan. What’s so difficult about it, why can’t you accept it. I'm here, with you, not there with her.”  He reached out to her, but she held out a hand.

“No, no, you’re not going to charm me, or sweet talk me, or any of the other crap you do.” Susan shook her head vehemently. “Figure out what the hell you want, John. I’ve told you to get her to stop calling so late, and she still does.  She calls you _honey_?  Is that how she talks to you all the time?  How is her calling you honey platonic or innocent, considering the fact you were _fucking_ _her_ while you were married.” Her voice rose, she could feel it, the anger simmering, she couldn’t let him brush it off.

“Wow. I don’t even know how to respond. What am I supposed to say. The _crap_ I do? And I've never lied to you about Harper or what happened.”

“Yes, John, crap. We have a fight, and you get all apologetic and send me flowers or treats, and sweet talk me and I forgive you. Every time. That kind of crap.”

John turned away from her. “Well, I won’t this time. I’ll keep my apologies and flowers, since they mean nothing to you. Since it’s crap.”  

He didn’t turn back to look at her, he walked out the bedroom door, leaving it ajar, not even bothering to slam it.

Susan stared at the empty doorway, not able to move. His voice had been low and defeated, he hadn’t so much as looked at her again. She wiped away the tears, not quite knowing what to do next. Finally she got her feet to carry her, she went downstairs, expecting him to be in his office, but the house was silent and empty.  

She realized he’d left. He’d given up without much of a fight, and she missed him already. She hadn’t said what she meant either, she hadn’t wanted it to get like this, she wanted to tell him finally how she was feeling. To get it all out, but he’d walked away before she’d finished.  

What had she done?  She didn’t think whatever he’d been doing, he even was conscious he was doing it. She dialled the phone, getting his voicemail, hanging up without leaving a message. Nothing to do, she didn’t know where he’d gone. She tried a few more times over the next hour, finally giving up.

She hit her speed dial again.

“Susan! How was the rest of the trip?”  Lexi’s cheerful voice came down the line.

Susan sobbed into the phone, she couldn’t force a single word out of her mouth.

“Susan? What’s wrong?” Lexi was immediately concerned.

“John and I had a fight.” Susan brushed at the tears running freely down her cheeks.

“Oh honey. I’m sorry, about what?”

“What else? Harper.” Susan wiped her face yet again, picking a tissue from the box and dabbing at her eyes before noisily blowing her nose.

“I thought you two had figured it out.Where is he?”

“I don’t know, he walked out on me, like he’s given up on us.”

“No, sweetie, don’t say that. He’ll be back, and think, you’ll get another beautiful bouquet of flowers or something.”

“I don’t think so Lex, I don’t think he’ll be back with apologies and flowers this time. I messed it up.” Susan sighed, hearing Anya crying in the background and Joe’s voice too. “Sorry, you sound busy.”

“No, well yes, but I always have time for you. Get some rest, he’ll be home. Luka’s at work or I’d have him track John down for you.”

“No, don’t do that Lex, you’re right, I should get some sleep.”

Susan said good bye, getting ready for bed.  She pulled on one of John’s shirts, wanting the comfort of his scent, knowing he would not be begging her forgiveness this time.  And she was not sure if she should be begging his.

John felt shell shocked. He walked out the door, getting into his car, but having no ability to turn over the engine. He finally got out, going out the garage door and around into the back yard. His feet carried him unthinkingly to the dock, and he stepped aboard the sailboat. He went below, flopping down on the bed.

Numb, completely numb, so numb he was forcing himself to breathe. His phone buzzed yet again, and her number come up on the display. He tossed it on the bedside table, not knowing what to even say to her. He lay staring at the ceiling, wondering how they’d gotten to this place, this living hell. He’d been so happy, never dreaming whatever was bothering her would be so...utterly devastating. An affair?

She accused him of having an affair with Harper, but the harder part was hearing what she thought of any and all of his efforts to do special things for her when they’d had a fight. _Crap_. That’s what it all was to her?  All the time and effort and thought he put into each gift he bought her, and it was a sea of nothingness, garbage, didn’t mean a thing, apparently.

If that was the case then he really was in over his head, clueless on what women wanted. What _did_ women want anyway?  He'd put his heart out there over and over again and invariably it was never enough. _He_ was never enough, he never would be.

A tear ran down his cheek, he brushed it away angrily. Crying over another woman?  Why did he even bother? How could he have believed she loved him?  How could he have ever thought she would want to be with him, or she would stay forever? Deluding himself again, that’s what he had done. All his insecurities rose to the surface, his world falling apart again.

For the last time he vowed, he wasn’t going to put himself out there like that again, ever. He couldn’t. The rejection of everything he'd given her was too much, he was tired, he felt lost, like nothing was worth it anymore. Why did he survive when so many people in his life had died? What had he done so wrong he was being punished again?

He curled up in a ball, not having the will to move, wishing it would all go away.

Susan wearily climbed out of bed, hearing Aiden start to cry. It had been a long sleepless night, and she felt numb. The room was getting light and it was after seven. John was still not back, he’d never come to bed last night.  She knew it was serious, he’d never been so angry with her that he’d stayed out all night. She wasn’t even sure where he was.

She wrapped a robe around herself, going to pick up the squalling baby, realizing he was soaking wet, a mess. His diaper was ready to explode, and he smelled decidedly rank.  

“All right little man, let’s fix you up.”  She carefully stripped him out of his sleepers, sighing at the mess in his diaper. “I think we should hose you down.”

She finally got him fresh and clean, dressing him and stripping the dirty sheets from his crib. She checked in and the rest of the kids were up as well, she missed how she and John had their routine, this morning it seemed it was all up to her, he was conspicuously absent from the proceedings.

John awoke with a start, his back sore from the narrow bed. It took him a while to accept the reality washing over him, but he finally forced himself out of bed as his watch started to vibrate.

Damn. He had to go back to the house, he had absolutely no choice, all his medication was there, and he needed to eat. The boat rocked gently as he stepped out onto the dock, squinting at the brightness of the day. The walk across the lawn seemed impossibly long, but he finally let himself in quietly, going into the kitchen, digging out the ingredients for his morning smoothie, putting it together without thinking.  He didn’t feel particularly hungry, but not eating wasn’t an option for him.

He sighed, wondering why he was even bothering, did it even matter anymore?  He located his medication and dumped it into his hand, staring at it blankly before throwing it into his mouth and washing it down with some water.

“Daddy!” Devon bounced into the kitchen, looking happy and well rested.

John gave himself a shake. He had a family depending on him. His marriage may be over, but he still needed to be there for them, he couldn’t do that to his children, ever. “Morning Dev.” He forced the cheerful tone into his voice, this was going to take a fair amount of playacting to pretend with the kids.  

Cosmo wandered into the kitchen after Devon.

“What did you two want for breakfast?” John started to dig in the fridge. “Eggs?”

Susan came around the corner, stopping abruptly, as if surprised to see him.

John busied himself making breakfast for Cosmo and Devon, he felt disheveled and could feel the long stare. He studiously ignored her, pretending to be involved in cooking the scrambled eggs. He didn’t want to get into it this morning, and he didn’t know what to say in any case.

Susan tucked Aiden into his high chair, fastening the safety belt before helping Ava, Ben and Maya into chairs as John started filling plates and directing Devon and Cosmo to take them over to the table.  

John was grateful for the distraction of the kids, it kept him from having to face her. He didn’t know how he could, he didn’t know what to say, he feared the next words out of her mouth were going to be either ‘I want you to leave’ or ‘I want a divorce’. At this point he wasn’t sure he could take it, he needed to let things settle, reality to take hold before he could even take another step towards the inevitable end.

Because who was he kidding. It was going to end, and badly. It always ended badly. Him, relationships, not something he should ever have considered. He had thought no matter what, he and Susan would be able to talk, would be friends, but this past month had proven him wrong. She’d been hiding from him, lying by omission, pretending. How much of this relationship was real, how much was faked? He didn’t know, he didn’t want to know.

They did a silent dance around each other, both concentrating on the kids, but avoiding saying a word otherwise.  

John’s phone vibrated, he checked it quickly. “Hey Dev, you done?”

The boy nodded, and John took his hand, leaving without saying where he was going.  

“Hi Dev, wow, look at you, I think daddy needs to take you for a haircut. Did you have fun at the beach?”  Harper smiled at her son who was sitting on the couch in John’s study.

“Mommy!  The beach was fun, we went swimming, though the water was cold.  Daddy took me sailing, and grandpa Jack visited.  And Joe, Joe was there too.”  The words tumbled out of the small boy.

Harper spent the next few minutes catching up with her son.

“Dev, I have missed you so much. Daddy is going to bring you down next week, I have a few days off. Hugs and kisses, baby.”  She blew him air kisses and waved.

“Hugs and kisses back, mommy.” Devon did the same.

“I need to talk to daddy for a minute, but Ill call you tomorrow.”

John let Devon out of the office with instructions to go up and brush his teeth.

“Well, don’t you look like hell.”  Harper frowned at him as he came into view of the camera.

“Yeah, well, it’s about how I feel right now.” John shrugged. “I’ll send you the details once I have the flight plan filed. I have it my calendar, and Jimmy said he would come with me.”

“How about Susan?”

“Don’t think so. Can we not talk about it right now?”  

“John.” Harper's voice was firm. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. I swear, I'm so done Harper, I can’t do this anymore. Any of it, and...I can’t.” His voice trailed off as he lost the power to speak.

“That bad. I'm so sorry, John. I know I haven’t been helping the situation.”

“Whatever. Look, I should go, she’s already half fucking crazy and I promised to take the boys out, Elise isn’t back until tomorrow.”

“All right. Get some sleep, or at least take a shower, you look like you slept in those clothes.”  Harper was staring at him through the camera. “Oh. John, call me if you need to talk. Seriously, you look...yeah, call me okay?”

He nodded, gave a little wave then cut the feed. He sat staring at the computer for a minute, then decided it was time to face the day.

Susan heard him come upstairs, he disappeared into their room, shutting the door.  She started helping with brushing teeth, feeling resentful at the moment.  Sure he’d helped with breakfast, but he’d left her to clean up and now he was off doing who knew what. She supposed he was going to dump the kids on her all day too.

She walked into the bedroom, realizing he was in the shower.

“Mommy, is John going to be ready soon?  He promised to take Devon and me riding.” Cosmo peeked into the room.

“Oh, well he’s showering now, so I don’t expect him to be too long. When did you plan that?”

“This morning. We haven’t been out for a while since we were away so much and he said he would take us.”

“He didn’t tell me, but all right. Have you brushed teeth?”

“I’m ready and so is Dev, he brushed his teeth too and we have our riding stuff in our bags.”

She heard the shower turn off and shooed Cosmo out.

“Let him get dressed.” She followed, going to check on the rest of the kids, Aiden back down for another sleep and the other three playing in Ava’s room.

John finally came out dressed in jeans and sweatshirt, his hair mostly dry. He was expressionless. “I promised the boys I would take them riding this morning.  We’ll be back in a couple hours.”

“Cosmo told me.” Susan searched his face for anything, but his eyes were...cold...the only way she could describe how she felt at that moment. “Where were you last night?”

“Does it matter? Do you really care?” He turned and walked away, calling the boys.

That didn’t go so well, she sighed as she went to gather up the other three, time to get them outside to play.

The next couple of days followed the same pattern, though on the third day she found a note telling her he had a couple of appointments in town. They had barely spoken, it seemed like whenever they were in the same room the kids were there too.  

He didn’t come to bed, she was not sure where he was sleeping, but it wasn’t in the house and he avoided being alone in the same room with her.  It was feeling rather frosty, and she wasn’t sure what to do about it.  His answers to questions were short and to the point.

John was on his way into town, he had to be to the lab for blood tests before he took his medication, then he had an appointment with the doctor.  He had also booked an appointment with his therapist, thinking it could not hurt to talk to someone.  He felt like he was sinking into a mire, he could not bring himself to pull out of it, he had no idea what to say, how to open the conversation again with her.  

He’d done nothing but think, and he needed an unbiased opinion.

“John?”  Sandra opened the office door, he stepped into her inner sanctum. He loved her office, it was relaxing and comfortable. Not like the antiseptic offices he went to for his Nephrologist. The waiting area was small, room for three people, but of course he never saw another patient there, you went in one door and left through another, never seeing who else she treated.

“Hi Sandra.” He sat on the couch, trying to relax, but not succeeding.

“Hmmm, you seem tense today. What’s going on?”

“What isn’t. I don’t even know where to begin, but...can I ask you something?”  

“Of course, that’s what I'm here for, to be a sounding board, to help you figure things out.”

“Right. Well, have you ever heard the term ‘emotional affair’?”  

Sandra frowned, then nodded. “Yes. I have counselled people and couples through them before.”

“What’s your definition, how do you know if someone is having an emotional affair?”  John sat back, taking a deep breath, not sure he wanted to hear any of this.

“It can take a few forms, to be honest. It usually starts with a friend, co-worker, or even more dangerous an ex spouse or ex girlfriend. Generally the one having the affair would be talking to the person a lot, could be in person, by phone, email or text. There is sharing of personal things, maybe things about your current love or spouse, confiding in the person a lot of details, a real comfort level of sharing that might seem innocent enough, but it is basically a very strong emotional closeness that makes the current spouse uncomfortable or insecure.  It can easily lead to a sexual affair, it is almost more damaging than just having sex with another individual because it is a higher level of trust.  Putting your heart in someone's hands, and having them betray that is difficult. I'm sure you understand, you have been through a divorce, the breakup included emotional and physical infidelity on both sides.”

John absorbed this, biting his lip, then rubbing his face.

“There’s a lot of denial around it. Because there is no sex, people don’t think of it as an affair, even though it is a form of cheating. Does that help?”

“Unfortunately it does.” He sat back, looking at the ceiling, not sure what to do or say next. “Sandra, I really think I’ve messed up in a big way. Does it include denying it to yourself?”

“Yes, of course it does. Sounds like you think...that you are involved with someone outside your marriage inappropriately?”

“Maybe.”

“Then you have to break it off right away. Explain to the woman you can’t continue the friendship.”

“What do you do if that person is an ex, and there’s a child involved. I can’t stop communicating with her. I can’t cut her out of my life, we have a son, he’s not even four.”

“Ah. An ex. Well, the best thing to do is have a serious discussion and set clear boundaries.  Make sure she’s not calling excessively, avoid seeing her without your spouse present whenever possible, don’t confide anything about your wife or your marriage to her. Who brought up the idea of the emotional affair, you or your wife?”

“My wife. My ex calls almost every day, she’s supposed to talk to our son but due to her schedule it seems like she more often ends up talking to me. It’s complicated.”

“Tell me why.”

“I dated her years ago when we were students, we ended up breaking up and she moved for a new rotation in another city.  We lost touch then ran into each other about four years ago.  We had an affair, she was the woman that helped end my marriage. She ended up pregnant, and has become part of my life yet again because of our son.  We’re close, we talk, she was an emotional rock for me when my marriage was crumbling. To be fair the marriage was pretty much over before I cheated on my wife, but we talked a lot, she knows me really well, and I do turn to her sometimes when things get rocky even now.”

“Wow. Full stop John. Susan is concerned?”

“Yes, she has always been a little...nuts about the whole thing with Harper.  When Susan and I first got together she knew about the affair, how my marriage broke up, but she didn’t know it was Harper.  She knew her when we dated as students, how close we were even back then. Over time, with my son being involved she’s gotten progressively more insecure about it, no matter how much I tell her there is nothing going on. To make matters worse she seems to think I have a history of it.”

Sandra met his eyes and gave her head a little shake. “John. We both know that’s not true, you absolutely cannot even pretend there’s nothing going on with you and your ex girlfriend. You have to admit it to yourself, and I truly believe Susan is the one seeing clearly here. To be honest, it’s her feelings that matter here, not yours, and certainly not Harper’s. She’s feeling insecure and betrayed because you have such a close relationship with another woman. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if she was that close with her ex husband. They have a child together, it could happen.”

“You think she’s right?”

“Absolutely. I want you to tell me why she thinks you have a history of it?”

“An ex girlfriend told her that she and I had an emotional affair, that she tried to get her boyfriend to dump her so she could date me. We were good friends.”

“Uh huh, and by good friends you mean, confiding a lot of personal things, spending a lot of time together or talking a lot on the phone?  Did she confide things about her boyfriend to you, things she didn’t like?  Things that were going wrong in the relationship?  Did you finally get involved with her sexually?  I’d guess since you say ex girlfriend the answer is yes?”

“Yes to all of that. Okay the second example is my ex...we were apart, I admit we were still talking and she would call me all hours, but she was overseas and here was a time difference. I was seeing someone who got really upset that I took a phone call one night when she was there. Flipped out about it, and that was it, put paid to the relationship. I did get back together with Kem, we got married and then of course it all fell apart and we got divorced.”

“All right, can you think of any other times a friendship with one woman has broken up a relationship with another, because your girlfriend thought you had too much interest in someone else?”

John closed his eyes, knowing this was really bad.

“Yes. Oh shit, what am I doing?” He felt defeated, devastated. He could name at least two more times - one with Rena, where he let his feelings for Abby intrude, and of course...Susan. She’d been through this before with him.

“It sounds like you are coming to terms with reality.”

“How do I fix it?  She...I think I’ve totally destroyed my marriage, she’s never ever going to forgive me.  She sees right through me, why would she even want to forgive me?” He could feel it all crashing down around him.

“John. Take a few deep breaths.” He was sure Sandra could see he was starting to panic. “Now, focus for a moment. Why don’t you think she is going to forgive you?”

“How can I even make it up to her? How can I assure her it won’t happen again when I can see she is right, I’ve done it before. With the same woman no less, I cheated on my wife with Harper, and now I’m... _cheating on my wife with Harper_. Except, I didn’t realize I was cheating on her, which is so stupid.”

“So you see it, right? You’re no longer in denial and that’s a start. I suggest you come see me again tomorrow, but in the meantime you need to open a dialogue with your wife. Tell her you see the light so to speak, you’ve realized that there’s a problem and you’re hoping you can fix it.  You may want to consider bringing her in for a few sessions, and I will work with you to set some reasonable and liveable guidelines to deal with Harper.  I see the problem being that you have a child, and at some point we need to bring Susan into the discussion on what she thinks as far as boundaries where Harper is concerned.”

“Why do I let myself get dragged into this?”

“We’ve had a lot of discussions John, so let’s go back and look at a few things. We’ve talked about being alone, and how you find it hard to be by yourself for long, you feel the need to constantly have a girlfriend. You date a woman, and inevitably it goes wrong, which ends up with you feeling like it’s your fault. You were abused as a young boy, which makes it hard for you to trust women, this happening right after your mother essentially abandoned you. You have deep trust issues, and you have to get over the idea that you are not worthy of being loved. Let her love you, John, let Susan love you, let yourself trust her. Why do you think you have a history of these emotional affairs?”

John frowned, not really liking where his thoughts were taking him. He sighed deeply. “I need to have someone there all the time...if I have two women then I won’t be alone. I love Susan but Harper is my backup if I screw it up.”

“Bingo. You have to learn to trust her, if you can’t or won’t then how can she ever feel secure. You feel the need to be loved, that is natural, but the issue is here that you feel so insecure yourself, you can’t make her feel secure either. Why did her marriage break up?”

“He cheated on her.”

“Ah, well, so it makes even more sense why she feels insecure and threatened by Harper. Has she felt that way about any other women during your relationship?”

“Yes, but I successfully cut that relationship off, though...wow, this is messy and complicated. Another ex was phoning me and Susan got really upset about it. I told the woman to stop phoning me and it seems to have worked, but for some reason Susan made a comment about her phoning me, so perhaps she still thinks there is something going on there too. It’s going to take forever to untangle this mess, I don’t even know if she’s going to give me the chance, I’ve been such an asshole the last couple days.”

“Can I ask you something John? How would you feel if Susan can’t forgive you?”

“Like the world is over, after we had our fight, I could barely breathe. I love her so much, I can’t even stand the thought that she might not be in my life anymore.”

“Now you need to think about _why_ you feel that way.”

“Because I love her.”

“Yes...perhaps you really do, but why do you love her?  It’s easy to say those three little words, but hard to mean them.  You’ve been in love with more than one woman, and you appear to still love Harper. Why is Susan special?”

John was silent for a moment. “She’s...an amazing woman, compassionate, loving and supportive. I can be me when I'm with her, I don’t feel the need to pretend, or hide, I tell her everything, she probably knows more about me than anyone else on earth and she accepts me as I'm.  I feel the same about her, I love that she tells me things, until this last month or so I have never felt like she’s hidden anything about herself, when she feels unhappy or insecure or when things go wrong with her family, anything, she tells me and it doesn’t change how I feel at all. Which is why this is so hard, Sandra, if emotional affairs are so damaging, worse than sexual affairs, then I have destroyed something I'm not sure I can ever fix.  I feel like we won’t even be friends anymore, and I can’t stand the thought that she won’t be there, even as my friend.”

“Will you be this upset to end things with Harper?”

“No, I care about Harper, but if I have to choose, I choose Susan every time.  I have to find a way to interact with Harper, but...I choose my wife, I want it to be Susan.”

“Think about that and keep it in mind going forward when you encounter ex girlfriends, you need to keep the boundaries.  You seem susceptible to ex girlfriend syndrome perhaps, when it ends you seem to have a hard time letting go emotionally, and we need to give you some help with that.  Would you say it's fair that you get too involved with exes?”

“Totally true.”

“All right, assignments are...think about why you feel the need to hold on to old flames.  Open communications with Susan, if possible get her out of the house so it’s only the two of you so you can talk without interruption.  Listen to what she has to say, because what happens when you argue?”

“I get defensive.”

“Exactly. There’s no place for it, John. If you’re wrong, you’re wrong and you have to come out and say it.  Apologize and mean it.  No gifts, no flowers, nothing. You and her, let her have her say. Don’t give her meaningless reassurances, speak from your heart and mean it. Make sure she knows you’ve stopped denying the problem. Offer the couples therapy, you are going to need it, infidelity is hard to overcome even if it never involved sex. Tell Harper you need less contact and we will get to fixing that issue.  See you tomorrow, I have time at twopm, if it goes well feel free to bring Susan with you .”

“Okay. Thank you, this really helped today, I must be blind, I never saw it before.”

“That is what I’m here for John.  I feel like you want to get to know yourself better, you recognize there are issues and we’ve made real progress.  Good luck tonight.”

Susan checked her phone, it was buzzing and she recognized the call display. John.  She debated on whether to answer, he had been so cold the past couple of days, she wasn’t sure she could even speak with him.

“Hello?” Susan answered quietly.

“Hi. It’s me.” He sounded more nervous than a teenager asking a girl on a first date, he took a couple deep breaths.

“Yes, I know, I recognized the number.” Susan rolled her eyes wondering what was up with him.

“Sorry, of course you do. Um, I was kind of hoping we could go out for bit, do you think Elise would watch the kids?   really need to talk to you.”

“Huh, _now_ you want to talk? You haven’t said two words to me for the past two days and you suddenly want to go out?”

“I know. I’m sorry, but I think we need some uninterrupted time to talk about things. Please? We can go eat, or go for coffee or a walk, whatever you want, but there are things that need to be said.” John sounded hopeful.

“How long?” Susan looked at her watch. “I’m not sure she’s going to want to stay.”

“A couple hours probably? If she can’t, I’d still like it if we could talk.”

“Fine. Can you come home now? I'll see if she can take over for a couple hours.”

“Yes, I’m on my way back, I had a couple of appointments so I had to come downtown.”

“Right. I will see you when you get back.”

Susan put down the phone, wondering how this was going to go, what he was going to say to her. There was a lot of anger built up, not only from his denial, but from how he had been acting the last couple of days. She loved him, but as he once said, sometimes love isn’t enough.  She’d thought that they loved each other equally, but perhaps she was kidding herself, he always seemed to have a woman pursuing him, even when he was seeing someone else.


	61. Say Something - I’m Giving Up On You

John opened the door, the house seemed a hub of activity still, of course it was just dinnertime. Emily was in the kitchen making dinner for the kids and Elise was feeding Aiden a couple spoonfuls of pureed vegetable.

John gave all the kids hugs and kisses as he got mobbed.

“Susan is upstairs changing, she said she’d be down in a couple minutes?” Elise wiped Aiden’s face, letting John take him out of the chair.

“Thanks Elise, I might do a quick change myself.” He bounced Aiden, nibbling on fingers and getting the baby giggling, a happy little sound that he wanted to hear forever. He finally handed him back, going up the stairs, tapping on the door before he went in. “Hi.” He felt hesitant, not sure of his reception, but it was still his room after all.

“Hi, I’m almost ready.” Susan was wearing jeans with a nice sweater, she was going to top it with a light coat and a pair of low heeled boots.  

She had dressed so no matter where they ended up, she would be properly attired. Her stomach was flip flopping though, she was not sure she could eat, the past few days had been an major upheaval of her life. A life where she had been so blissfully happy, but was suddenly feeling so uncertain and insecure.

“So I see, you look great. I need a quick shower, been a long day.”  

Susan sighed. Sure, a long day, try it with lack of sleep and six kids. It annoyed her that he would comment.

He went into the walk in, grabbing clothes and heading into the bathroom before stripping down and jumping into the shower, out in two minutes, pulling on a nice pair of jeans himself, topping it with his own casual shirt and sweater. He took his dirty clothes dropping them in the hamper after snagging out his wallet and double checking the pockets.

Susan had disappeared downstairs, but he followed quickly, going to say good night to the kids.

“Daddy! You going out again already?” Devon was disappointed, his dad had not been home all day. The small boy pouted unhappily.

“Sorry buddy, we will do something tomorrow, okay?  Be good.”

He helped Susan on with her coat, pausing before choosing a jacket, purposely avoiding the one Harper had given him for Christmas. He didn’t think it was such a good idea to wear anything Harper had given him. 

“Hungry?” He looked over at her. “We could go to that little pub, it’s quiet usually and the food is good.”

“No, I'm not hungry. I think we should go for a walk along the lake.” Susan wanted somewhere quiet without a lot of people.

“Okay.” He started the car. “Do you want a coffee or something?”

“Yes, that would be nice.”

A few minutes later, coffees in hand, they wandered down the pathway, walking silently for a short ways, John resisted the urge to reach out take her hand.  They stopped at a bench overlooking the lake, both taking a seat.

“So you wanted to talk?” Susan felt anxious, wishing he would cut to the chase, say what he needed to say.  

“Yes. This isn’t easy, Susan, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. That is about all I have been doing the last few days, wondering where we went wrong, wondering how and if we can fix it. I’m sorry, I have to apologize for being so...” He halted, not quite sure how to say it.

“For being such an asshole?  That's how you’ve been John, so cold, like all of this is my fault, like you are the injured party here. Guess what, this is hard for me too.  You won’t even tell me where you go at night.”  

“I was going to say distant, but all right and I’ve been sleeping on the boat.”

“The boat. Seriously?  We have other bedrooms John.”

“I know, I didn’t want Devon or Cosmo to clue in. Though I suppose we've been so hostile to each other, I'm sure they must be picking up on it. I’m sorry about that too.”

“Oh I see. Hostile, yeah, that's about right. Then today you disappear all day, leaving me to deal with everything. Really mature John. What the hell were you doing all day?”

“Sorry, I had a doctors appointment, the vampires were taking my blood again.” John was disappointed things were obviously still so hostile between them. “I went to see Sandra.”

“Oh.” Susan deflated, realizing he'd been at a truly important appointment.  “Sorry, I forgot, we've been away so much, I didn’t think.”

“It’s okay, I should've been more clear on my note. I needed to go in to town anyway and I thought I should probably...get a second opinion.”

“On what?”

“Your theory.” In his mind he was thinking ‘accusation’, but he wisely kept it to himself. “We had a good talk, it helped me sort some things out, and I realized I’m being really stupid. Acting like a complete jerk, I should never have left, but...it hurt too much, having you say those things, and I didn’t want to say something I would regret.”

“Well you’re right, you’ve been a complete jerk. Leaving me to deal with things and hiding out on the boat? Talking to Harper no doubt, filling her in on our problems?  Planning your next trip so you can play happy family with her?  When is that, next week?”

“I’m supposed to take Devon yes, but, I haven’t been talking to Harper and I’m not going to play happy family Susan. My son needs to see his mother. That’s it. My family is here in Chicago, with you.”

“That’s it? So, you are still maintaining nothing is going on? That I have nothing to be worried about?”

“Susan. I love you. I’m sorry if you feel things with Harper are inappropriate and I would like us to try and work this out. I want to understand how you're feeling and why, and...I think we need some couples counselling.  Obviously there's something wrong here, if you're upset about the relationship I have with Harper, then I accept I need to change it. Maybe I am too close to her.” John let that sit for a minute, then closed his eyes, thinking that perhaps he wasn’t owning up to the problem quite enough. It was so hard to admit this to her. “No, what I mean to say is...yes, I'm far too close to her, and it obviously upsets you and is causing issues in our relationship and it has been for a while. I've been denying it to myself and I know it has to change.” 

Susan frowned, taking another sip of her coffee, letting her mind process what he was saying to her before she spoke again. “Are you saying that...you agree?”

“What can I say, I didn’t see it, and on some things you're absolutely correct. She's overstepped and I haven't put the brakes on it, it has become a runaway train with her. I’m too involved, too close to her and it needs to stop.  The point is, if it’s a problem for you, it’s a problem for us and I need to change how I deal with Harper. Maybe that means she has to come and pick him up. Maybe it means I have someone else take him down to Houston unless you're coming with me. We can talk about that, and it also means that I have to enforce the boundaries, which includes her calling only to talk to Devon on a regular basis, but she and I talk far far less than we do. It means her changing how she talks to me. There are probably other things you could add, and you'll have the chance to have your say.”

“You’re admitting it aren’t you. You see it.”

“Sandra helped me see it, but yes, you’re right Susan, the relationship between me and Harper is not how it should be and I need to change it. I love you, I love what we have, I love our family and I’m sorry if this has hurt you. It’s my issue, I'm working on it, all I can say is I’m sorry, and all I can ask is you try to help me fix what went wrong with us. It opened my eyes, what you said, and I hope we can get past it.”

“You essentially cheated on me, John. Maybe you haven’t slept with anyone else, but your heart had been elsewhere, or at least your attention. What about Abby?”

“What about her? I need you to be more specific, because right after the three am call, I had a conversation with her and made it clear she had to stop and she hasn’t called me since that time.  No more pie invitations, I promise, she was clearly being inappropriate and I told her so. The only time I see her is when it involves picking up or dropping off Joe and that has always been at County, and it’s very rare.”

“So why did she apologize to me only a month ago, for the phone calls. The way she said it made me think she was still calling you. Then she talked about Harper, and it made me realize you not only did it with Abby, to Luka, to me and to Rena, you did it to Wendall over Kem and you're doing it again with Harper, the woman who you had the affair with, the one who helped ruin your marriage. What do you have to say about that?”

“I don’t know why she would try and make you think that, but I have not been talking to Abby. I know she’s bad news, I try to avoid her where I can.”

“The other instances I have mentioned?”

“I won’t argue with you, I see the pattern and now I do, I will do whatever I need to do to fix things. I'm going to see Sandra again tomorrow, our talk today was helpful and I'd like you to come with me so we can deal with everything properly.”

“Mmhm. So the flowers and big apology in New York, what was that about?”

“Me feeling bad I walked out, knowing it was stupid, I should have stayed and talked it out with you. I was being an idiot, I wanted to say I was sorry. If it’s too over the top, I won’t do it anymore. It's creating more trouble right?  You don’t want the flowers and stuff? I’ll stop.”

“No John, I want the flowers and stuff to mean something, not just be something you do because you think it’s what you should do. It should mean something.”

“I thought it did mean something. For the record I don’t just call and say hey send flowers. I picked ones that I thought you would like, and I did mean it, but I know, it’s just crap to you, right? I don’t know how else to say I’m sorry, I thought you knew I meant it.” John inhaled, knowing he was starting to get defensive and he had to control it. “Sorry, I guess it bothers me you feel so...annoyed when I buy you things to apologize.  Obviously not sending the message I want to send, so I won’t do it anymore. I honestly thought you like getting flowers.”

Susan felt confused now. Unsure. Annoyed? Nope, annoyed wasn't a strong enough term, she was incredibly pissed off that he always managed to wiggle his way back into her heart, no matter what he did wrong. She'd tried several times to tell him how much Harper and the way she talked to him, the way she was all over him bothered her, and he was acting like it was some damn major revelation. Apologizing again, and he was upset with her?  He was in the wrong here, how dare he?

“Well, excuse me then. You know what? Maybe I don’t want your apology and maybe I don’t want you. You say you're sorry and you think that's even close to enough? After me having to watch other women who can’t seem to leave you alone? Elaine?  She looked like she was going to undress you right then and there and have sex with you on the table, and you didn’t deny she propositioned you.I found the card with her number on it, why did you still have that?  Abby?  Calling you for pie at three am? Harper, climbing all over you at the hospital and calling you daily to chat like you don’t have a wife and a family? Roxanne and the midnight pizza, after you decided it was a good idea to be her doctor? Do you not think? I can’t take it any more, you're such a mess, I can’t do it, more to the point I don’t want to. Just take me home. I’m done talking.”

She stalked back down the path leaving him sitting, staring at his hands. His worst fear coming true, she was done with him. He'd screwed it up good, and she'd never forgive him, ever, that was obvious. He was such a hot mess no woman could ever really love him. Even Susan, she hated him. She’d lied about loving him, she’d lied about everything, so what came next?

He took several deep breaths before he managed to shut it all down. He walked slowly back to the car, opening the door for her, barely remembering the drive, which was steeped in stony silence. He pulled into the garage not quite knowing what to do, or what to say. Susan was out of the car and in the house without speaking a word to him, they'd been gone barely an hour.

John sat numbly at the wheel of the car, frozen in place, knowing it was over. He finally got out, but instead of going inside he walked around the house to the back patio by the pool, sitting and looking out over the water. Trying not to cry, trying not to think about going through another divorce, trying not to fall apart as his heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

* * *

Susan was thankful the kids kept her busy for the next while, she sent Elise and Emily home, running through the night time routine.  John was nowhere to be seen, and she was relieved. She'd lost it on him, and she wasn't sure where to go from here. He'd come to her way of thinking and tried to apologize, but still, it was hard for her to believe he was so damn clueless.  Maybe it was too late, the resentment ate at her. She let the anger fuel her, until she had done everything, put the kids to bed, the rest of the house still silent.  She finally curled up in a ball in her bed, dialling Lexi.

“Hi Susan, how are you?”

“Not good, I think I...told my husband I don’t want to be married to him anymore.”

“What? Susan, are you kidding?”

“No, Lexi, we had a fight, it’s been getting worse every day since we got back. He said we should go for marriage counselling.”

“Maybe you should. Not the worst idea I’ve ever heard Susan.”

“He admitted it Lex, remember what we were saying about emotional affairs? He said I was right, but that he didn’t see it. He’s not stupid, how could he not see it?”

“Oh honey. Where is he now?”

“I’m not sure. We went for a walk by the lake and we had another fight, I told him I didn’t want his apology and I didn’t want him. The whole throw flowers at it and it will be better? Not on.”

“Do you want me to come over?”

“No, you have Anya, and it might be awkward, you know? He’s around here somewhere. You know what? Would you mind if I came there? He can manage the kids since he took off today, he was gone all day.”

“If you like, bring Aiden.”

Susan packed an overnight bag, for herself and Aiden, then went to find John. He wasn’t far, she discovered, he was sitting staring out at the water.

“You’re here.”

“Uh huh.” He thought it sounded like she was wishing he wasn’t and it made him sadder if even possible.

“I’m going to see Lexi, I’ll take Aiden with me, but the rest of the kids are here. I’m staying the night there, don’t expect me home.” He heard the tone of finality in her voice.

“Okay.” He didn’t know what else to say.  

* * *

Susan knocked on the door, Lexi opening it right away, pulling her inside and embracing her warmly.

“Oh sweetie.” Lexi murmured as Susan put down the car seat and promptly burst into tears. “Hey, don’t cry.”

“Lexi. What am I doing?” Susan sniffled. “I love him so much, but I got so mad and I blew up at him. I told him I didn’t want him anymore.”

Lexi steered her to the couch and sat her down with a box of kleenex. “Susan, sh. Here, let me put Aiden into bed and make us some tea. Then we can talk.”

Susan sat numbly on the couch, wondering how they'd gotten here. Barely a week ago they were making love on the beach, and now she was sure he was contemplating which lawyer to use to evict her from the house. She'd wanted him to acknowledge the problem, to see it, and he had, and he wanted to fix it, get counselling. It still didn’t change the fact he had a pattern of this kind of behaviour and it had cost him relationships before. In fact she herself had lost out to ‘the other woman’ the first time they'd dated, he hadn't invested enough into the relationship but then of course neither had she.

It was complicated, John was so far from being the unthinking asshole that so many women complained about, but he definitely had his issues. She was torn, she felt like she was being ripped apart, her heart and her mind warring over whether to stay or go.

* * *

John almost didn’t go to the appointment he’d booked with Sandra, but in the end, he decided he should. He'd spent a restless night, opting to sleep in the master bedroom so the kids knew where to find him.  Maybe a mistake, the room, the sheets smelled like her, and he missed having her beside him, it had been days since she had so much as looked at him, he could feel the melancholy deep in his soul.

In the morning he had put on a falsely cheerful face and pretended all the way through breakfast, through playtime, and getting Ava, Ben and Maya down for naps. He pretended through building a model with Cosmo and playing catch with Devon.  

“John, how did your assignment go?”

“Not great. We talked, which turned into a fight and she left.”

“Did you try to stay open and listen?”

“Yes, I tried to answer her questions, I admitted that the relationship with Harper needed to change, that she was right, it wasn't appropriate.  We tried to talk about New York and the fight we had there, but it went downhill.  She told me the other day that she thought it was all crap, you know, the apologies, the flowers all of it.  That I didn’t mean it, but I do, I always feel bad when we fight, I always feel like I own up to it when I've played a part. Then she said that...she didn’t want the apology and she didn’t want me, that she didn’t want to do it anymore. Then she walked away.”

“Have you spoken since?”

“Not really. She told me she was leaving, not to expect her back. She didn’t specify whether that meant last night or not to expect her back ever.”

“Did you offer the couples session?”

“Yes, she didn’t comment, though I brought it up twice. I guess now we have to talk about how I'm going to survive another divorce without losing my mind.”  

“How did you feel when she said she didn’t want your apology?”

“Devastated.”

“Keep going.”

“The last few things she said before she walked away made me feel unloveable, made me feel like maybe this whole relationship has been a lie. Did she ever mean it when she said she loved me?  Or is this another case of me deluding myself that a woman could want to be with me?  It’s never enough, nothing I do is ever enough and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t think I can ever give myself to another woman like I did with her, I opened myself up to her and here I am, a bigger mess than ever. She said I was too much of a mess and she’s probably right...no she’s _definitely_ right.”

“John. I know things feel hopeless right now, but perhaps she was speaking out of her own hurt and anger.I'm sure she did mean it when she said she loved you.  Don’t react quite yet, you had a difficult discussion, you admitted to her that you had allowed an emotional attachment to another woman. One that you've had an affair with, one that ruined your first marriage.”

“She definitely reminded me of that little fact.”

“There are two people hurting here, John. You’re burying yourself in your own hurt, remember she’s probably doing the same, trying to make sense out of it all. One of you has to keep their head out of the sand and reach out and try again. If you care about her as much as I think you do, then you need to consider it’s too soon to give up.”

“So by one of us, you mean me. You know I’ve been there, done that, and it didn’t end well. When my first wife and I lost our son, things unraveled and I tried so hard to fix it. Look where it got me...divorced and unhappy.”

“What’s different this time? No two relationships are exactly the same, because the two people in them are not the same. From what you've told me in the past, I can guarantee this is not the same thing. Can you tell me why I would think that?”

Sandra gave him time to ponder the question, knowing her aim here was to get his mind back into the game. He was going to sink into despair if she couldn't give him a way to hope. He'd learned some coping mechanisms, but he still needed to be regularly reminded a lot of what had happened in his life were not events he created.

“I’ve known Susan longer. That’s an understatement, I’ve know Susan for so many years it's not even a comparison to how long I knew Kem. Susan and I are both happy here in Chicago, Kem never was and I had to give up a lot to be with her. Which would have been okay if it worked out, but it didn’t. Susan and I have a healthy family, Kem and I lost a child. Okay, I get it, night and day, right?”

“Yes, I'd say so. Making the effort with Susan isn't the same, it won’t be the same type of experience as trying to make the effort with Kem. The other point I'd make is how will you feel if you don’t make the effort? And how will she feel? That she is not as important to you as Kem was?  She knows what you did to be with Kem, what would you do to be with Susan?”

“Anything, pretty much. I still love her, that hasn’t changed in the past 24 hours. It hurts, I can’t deny it, but that’s because I do love her. I gave her my heart and with it she has power over me and if she rejects me again, I guess it can’t make it any worse than it already is. Or maybe it can, you're saying you think she meant it, but what if she doesn’t anymore? What happens if I find out she hates me, maybe she’s right and I don’t deserve someone like her.”

“But you do, John, that’s the thing, you really do deserve to be loved, and you have to get over taking every break up as a sign you aren’t worthy of it. You made a mistake, yes, but you’re owning up to the mistake, owning up to the problem. Willing to work on it and fix it. I wish every man or woman I’ve had in my office was able to recognize and admit when they were wrong. Sadly it doesn’t happen all the time, though maybe you're too willing to take the blame for things. We both know there are times when you have let unwarranted guilt lead you into self destructive behaviour.”

“Yes, I admit to that too, it was drilled into me when I was young, which is why I still struggle with it.”

“It’s a process. What I want to know from you, though, is do you feel comfortable turning to a good friend, or even your dad at this point. You tend to isolate yourself, and we both know this is stressful, you've suffered from depression before and we need to deal with that right away.”

“I’m okay Sandra, I have a couple of close friends I can talk to, and I have my kids. Before I didn’t have my children and I know I can’t let them down.”

“Promise you'll go out with at least one of your good friends this week and do something fun, connect, don’t let yourself get to the point of no return. This too shall pass.”

“I’m sure it will, but I might be divorced again when it does.”

“Maybe, but then maybe not. So lets not bury ourselves quite yet, try to keep open and if she makes an overture then you need to get her in here right away. Otherwise you need to be the one making the first move, give her a couple days then try to reopen the discussion with her. Keep it light, don’t start dividing up the property just yet. If she’s truly invested in your family she’ll make some sort of effort before she’s looking to start signing legal documents. You'll know it was all true and she’s simply reacting to the hurt and pain that quite frankly, _you_ have caused her. Don’t forget that _you_ are the one having the inappropriate relationship, not her.”

John had to admit she was right, he’d let the pain overwhelm him and he was losing sight of the truth. He’d made a big deal about her comments, but she had a right to be angry with him, he was in the wrong. He’d not paid enough attention to her previous comments that Harper was getting out of hand, he had a lot to atone for, and he knew it.

* * *

Susan arrived home, still tired, but feeling better having talked to Lexi. Her friend was supportive, but non committal in some respects. She thought about what Lexi had to say to her.

“ _What happened?  Why did you fight again?_ _”  Her friend had shooed Luka out of the apartment, then brought tea and copious amounts of tissue so Susan could mop her face._

_“He called and said he wanted to talk to me, so we went out for a while. He was gone all day, so I had to cope with the kids by myself, including Devon, like he's my responsibility? So he admitted it, he said he understood why I was upset and he was far too close to her.” Susan sobbed, trying to take a few breaths to calm herself._

_“He admitted it? So now what? He did offer to go to counselling right?”_

_“He did, and he apologized, but he always does, and then I forgive him and then we fight again, it’s a pattern. Just like this whole messed up thing with past girlfriends. I told you about that woman at the Vineyard?  I thought she was going to offer him sex on the dining room table the way she was looking at him and he confessed she had propositioned him.”_

_“Okay, but he didn’t invite her and he turned her down, so I think we have to put her aside. Not that it wouldn’t have bothered me to watch, but you can’t take it out on John. What made you so angry?”  
_

_“Just...he got defensive about the whole thing with the flowers and gifts, he said he thought I liked them, that he meant it when he said sorry. He said he wouldn’t do it anymore if I didn’t like it, all I want is for him to mean it, not just throw expensive things at me and think it makes it all okay.”_

_“I know and it's hard to know what's real or not, right?  I think this was a fight, and you should give it a few days to settle.”_

_“I don’t know if I have a few days, I told him I didn’t want to do it anymore.  I don_ ’ _t know if we can get past this.”_

_“He loves you Susan, everyone can see it, he doesn’t hide it, he's a heart on his sleeve kind of guy. Have you thought about at least trying the counselling? I've never seen you happier than you've been in these past couple of years with him, and perhaps you should consider that before you write off your marriage.”_

Elise was in the kitchen, making cookies with Devon, Cosmo was sitting working on decorating a model airplane.

“Where is everyone?” Susan looked around.

“Ava, Ben and Maya are having their naps, and John had to go into town for something. He said he'd do his best to be back by 3:30, four at the latest.”

“Oh.” Susan immediately felt annoyed he was gone again, leaving the kids with the nanny. “Well, I need to put this little man into his bed then you can probably head home. Sorry, you have been here late the past few days.”

“No problem, I don’t mind. You two need time as a couple, keeping things running with all the kids?  But I’ll finish up with Devon, then head home. Take your time.”

* * *

John noted the car in the garage when he got home, Susan was back. Good thing he supposed, he was to take Devon down to Houston, Harper had a few days off and they had agreed some time ago that she'd take their son. Though he could just fly down and drop him and come back, he was debating on staying there, he felt unwelcome at the house right now. Maybe it would be easier for Susan if he made himself scarce.

The house was quiet, he looked out back and Devon and Cosmo were playing in the yard. He assumed the younger ones were all sleeping, he figured he'd change then go out and see the two boys.

Susan was in the bedroom when he got there, he took a breath, wanting the exchange to be as calm as possible.

“Hi,” he said softly.

“Oh, you decided to grace us with your presence I see. Nice to find out you left the kids with the nanny all day when it’s your turn.” Susan snapped at him, trying not to cry.

John remained silent, feeling stung she didn’t even say hi, she launched right into an attack. He went into the closet and grabbed some jeans and a sweatshirt, hoping to change and get out of there before this turned into a fight.

“Silence, good John, that’s going to help, ignore me.”

“I’m not ignoring you, I just don’t want to fight with you. I was here all morning, I had an appointment, I went, I came back. I was going to change and spend some time with the boys, but perhaps you would prefer it if I packed some stuff and went elsewhere.”

Susan felt the fatigue and stress kicking in, he was so damn calm about it, she wanted him to fight back.

“Maybe that would be best. At the very least you need to move to another bedroom.”

“Fine, I’ll do that. Until we can decide who's going to live where.” He sighed. “Since we’re discussing it, I have to take Devon to Houston tomorrow, and we need to sort of things for the kids while I’m gone. I was thinking I might stay down there, give you some space, but it would be four days and I don’t want to assume you'll be able to manage the kids.”

“Houston.” Susan was ready to take his head off. “You're running off to Houston?  I thought you were going to make other arrangements, yet now you're planning to be there four days? Don’t need to ask why you want to be there, do I? Just go, John, go to Houston, stay as long as you want, I don’t give a damn.”

She turned and walked out of the room before he could see she was crying.

He hadn’t missed it though, he knew the whole Houston thing was going to be a hot button and he wasn’t going to let it rest. He followed, catching up with her as she stared out the window over the backyard.

“It’s not like that, Susan, I’m not going to see her, this was arranged a long time ago and it’s too late to make other arrangements to get him down there. I...thought maybe you'd prefer I wasn’t here. Right now I feel like you don’t want me around you, but I don’t have to stay in Houston, I can come home after I drop him off.”

He let the silence sit, she didn’t even acknowledge him.

“I don’t know what you want me to do. No matter what I do or say right now its the wrong thing, everything upsets you. Can you say something? Do you really want me to come home?  Or do you want your space?”He paused. "So this is it? You don't even care anymore?"

“I don’t care what you do, I can manage just fine without you,” Susan said quietly. When she finally turned, he was gone.


	62. Make You Feel My Love

“Devon!” Harper swooped him up in her arms, giving him a big kiss. “I missed you.” She looked over at John who was holding the boy’s small suitcase and coat.

“Hi baby, how are you doing?” She came over and wrapped her arms around him, feeling the hesitation before he hugged her back. It was a quick, he didn’t hang onto her, he felt stiff in her arms. She gave him a searching look, noting he looked tired, he looked unhappy. She'd seen that look before, more than once.

“Let me say good bye to Dev, and I'll be back on Sunday night to get him, six right?” John put the bag down and laid the coat over the handle. “See you in a few days buddy.” He gave the boy a long hug, then set him back on his feet.

“Bye daddy!” Devon waved as John turned to go back to his car.

“John, wait. Stay here Dev.” Harper motioned for Devon to stay by the suitcase. “John, are you okay?”

“Not really, but...I can’t really talk about it with you.”

“You can talk about anything with me, John, you know that. You're acting weird. Is everything okay with Susan?  Did she come with you?’

“No she’s in Chicago, and no everything is not okay. You and I need to have a talk, but this isn't the time or place, okay?  Other than that, I can’t really talk about it. Not with you."

“We should though John, you need to talk to someone.” Harper felt immediate concern.

“No, we shouldn’t. I've been talking to someone, I appreciate your concern, but I have to deal with this without your help. Look, Dev is waiting for you, but we do need to have a time to sit down and talk about some things, but this is not the time. Go enjoy your time with Dev and maybe we can have a talk on Sunday before we leave?”

“All right.” Harper watched as he waved to Devon again and got in the rental car. She turned back, smiling at her son, who looked so much like his daddy it almost hurt.

* * *

Susan pondered the note, her first instinct had been to tear it up without reading it, but her curiosity got the better of her. She’d spent the better part of the night crying into John’s pillow, his scent still clinging to the sheets from the previous night when he had slept there without her. Her emotions were all over the map these days, she was sad, then angry, then irritated, then back to being sad again.

It was overwhelming, no other way to put it.  She'd hoped that he would explode, get into it and really fight with her, she had so much...rage...confined within her and she wanted to let it out, and she wanted to let it out at him, but he refused to engage and it made her even angrier that he would not stand there and take it. Why, she could not quite define, even to her own mind it was kind of crazy wanting to fight with her husband.  

It was a little thing, she was not even sure when he’d left it, could have been long before they fought, but she'd found it tucked into her lingerie drawer, the neat script clearly his writing.  She unfolded the heavy paper and couldn't help but think how they'd parted as she looked at the words he had left her.

 _Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go_  
_You have made my life complete, and I love you so_  
_Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfilled_  
_For my darling, I love you, and I always will_

She traced the writing, the tear dropping onto the paper, creating a smudge in the writing.  She thought about their anniversary, how she had found the little love notes everywhere, little touches starting with the note in the steam on the bathroom mirror, then the coffee and the red rose, how it had been constant all day, she found them in the least expected places. This one had apparently escaped her notice or he had put it in there recently?

He'd so silently disappeared from behind her, gone outside and spent the next few hours playing with the boys outside, coming in to spend time with the rest of the kids. She’d been busy with Aiden, getting him ready for bed after all the other kids had been taken care of, when she’d come out she realized he’d left.

Taken Devon and left the house entirely, leaving a note saying they’d gone to stay in a hotel close to the airport.  In truth, she suspected he simply didn’t want to talk to her, or be around her. She’d caught his gaze once or twice over the evening, he’d looked away, but not before she saw the trace of sadness in his eyes.

In reality, she'd known he was going to have to go to Houston, it was a trip that had been planned for a while, that he was not purposely going there to make her angry.

It didn’t make her feel better though, she had clearly told him she would be fine without him.

That she didn’t accept his apology.

That she didn’t want him.

That she didn’t want to try anymore.

And she’d sent him to Houston, where Harper was waiting for him. And he thought she didn't care.

* * *

He heard the knock on the door, and started to dig for his wallet, looking for a tip.  Room service had come uncommonly fast tonight.

 John opened his hotel room door and stopped short.

“Harper.  What are you doing here?”

“I thought maybe we should have the sit down sooner rather than later.  You seemed upset.”

John hesitated, he wasn’t sure this was such a good idea, having her here, but she was already in his room.  He was about to shut the door when room service arrived.  He gave the man a tip quickly and let him leave before turning.

“I am not so sure this is a good idea Harper.  I would have preferred you waited until Sunday.”

“Oh don’t be silly, I’m a friend John, just relax.  Eat, you’re obviously about to have dinner.”

John looked at his watch.  

“Yes, I need to eat on time.”  He didn’t have a lot of choice, he really did need to eat, it was a careful balance and he’d promised his doctor not to let his blood sugar get out of control again.  “Want something?”

“No, I ate with Dev before I came over.  I got a babysitter for a few hours, he was going off to bed soon, we had a busy day.  So what is going on with you?  Are you and Susan fighting?”

John sighed as he forced himself to eat, he knew Harper would wait him out, he stayed silent for a few minutes as he finished his meal.  This was not going to be easy.

“Silence.  Well, that says it all.  I thought you were going home, and here you are in a hotel in Houston all alone.  Why is that John?  Did you leave her?”

“No, Harper, I haven’t left her. I don’t know what is going to happen, but things aren’t great.  Okay?”

“Wow, so you _are_ fighting. I could tell, you have that look. What did she do?”

“Nothing, it was what I did. Or have been doing, and trust me...this little....” He motioned between them and indicated the room. “If she finds out you were here in my room it’s not going to help. I’m done eating, we should go downstairs or something.”

“Why? You don’t trust yourself with me?” Harper gave him a smile. “It’s still there right? The attraction? I know it is for me.”

* * *

Susan looked up as the door opened.

“Susan?” The woman warmly held out a hand.“Nice to meet you.  Why don’t you come in.”

Susan followed her into the room, taking in the warm and soothing room. She could see why John liked it here, not to mention the attractive though decidedly not blond woman who was currently watching her. She gave a mental shake not to be crazy, she was a highly recommended therapist and he seemed to be doing a lot better since he’d started sessions with her. 

“Anywhere is fine, make sure you’re comfortable. Coffee, tea or water?”

“Water please.” Susan took the offered glass, setting it on a coaster after an initial sip. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. So, what brings you here today Susan?”

“You don’t know?” Susan scanned over Sandra’s face.

“No, I don’t. I need you to tell me why you have come to see me. I never assume, and I never read minds.” The woman said gently.

“I’m kind of nervous, I know you talk to John all the time.”

“Why would that make you nervous?” Sandra raised an eyebrow inquiringly. “Anything you say to me is confidential, unless you specifically ask me to share it with someone.”

“Right, I knew that. Okay, so, he came to see you a few days ago, and I don’t know exactly what was said, but...we’ve been having...problems and he suggested that we see you as a couple. But things haven’t been going so well at home and I thought maybe you would see me on my own.”

“Did John refuse to come with you, or is it just more comfortable right now to do this without him?”

“He’s away for a few days and I...need to sort things out. He doesn’t know I’m here.”

“All right. Tell me what’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know if I can say this.” Susan felt the tears building.

“It’s okay, take your time. Remember Susan, I'm not going to repeat anything you say here, least of all to him.  Why did you choose me?”

“I guess because it seems like you’ve been able to help John so much, you know him and...maybe this is stupid.”

“No, it’s not. Look, I can see you are going through a rough time and you need to talk to someone. That’s what I'm here for Susan, it's never stupid to reach out and ask for help, ask for someone to listen.” Sandra smiled encouragingly.  

“I tried to pick a fight with him, right before he left for Houston.  I sent him to Houston, where _she_ is, and he’s upset, and probably thinking that I don’t want to be married to him anymore and he is going to end up _being_ with her.”  Susan felt the words tumble out in a rush, her face crumpled as she felt the tears start.  "He's going to sleep with her."

Sandra stood and retrieved the box of tissue, handing to Susan who dabbed at her eyes.

“Hmmm.  Well that makes me wonder as to why you picked the fight, and why you think that immediately means he is going to end up in her arms or have sex with her.”

“Because when his last marriage broke down, that is where he ended up, his wife cheated on him and he ended up in bed with _her_.  Now he thinks that I don’t love him anymore and he’s going to end up sleeping with her.  And it kills me, the thought of him with her makes me want to scream.”

“Why did you pick a fight?  And what happened when you did?”

“He refused to engage.  He was so bloody calm about it, he just said he thought I needed time and space and he was going to give it to me.  He asked I wanted him to come home right away from Houston and I said I didn’t care what he did.”

“Why pick the fight though?”

“I’m so damn angry at him, I want to...I want to scream at him, I want to feel like he cares, if he would react at least I would know he still gives a damn about us.”

“What makes you think he doesn’t care?”

“He is too calm, too together, so detached.  I mean one visit to you and he’s just over it?”

Sandra steepled her fingers under her chin, looking thoughtful.

“You’ve known him a long time, does he tend to get into shouting matches?”

“No, I suppose it’s rare for him to yell.  I’ve seen a couple times, but mainly at work, when he has had to deal with out of control patients.  He never yells at me or the kids.”

“Okay, so you are asking him to do something he normally would not do, and are angry with him because he won’t engage.  I have to say I approve of his behaviour. Consider that it might be a coping mechanism, or something he learned young, and it has nothing to do with how he feels about you.  The only way to know how he feels is to ask him.  It sounds like you are looking for an outlet for _your_ anger and frustration, would it make you feel better if you could scream at him?  If he yells then you are allowed to yell back?”

“It definitely would make me feel better.  I have so much I need to let out.”  Susan frowned.  “I don’t tend to get into shouting matches either, I don’t yell at him normally or at the kids.  I have to be really angry to get into a shouting match, my parents did it a lot though.  I remember them screaming at each other and then it would all be okay.”

“Did you hear what you just said Susan?”

“What?  That they would yell at each other and it would all be okay?”  Susan stopped and took a breath and said softly.  “That it would be all okay.”

“Sounds like your subconscious is at work.  How people, especially parents, handled conflict in our childhood can colour how we handle things as adults, I’m sure you understand that Susan.  Do you think if you and John can just yell at each other and you can let out your anger that it will be okay between you?”

“Maybe?  All I know is I’m angry and I want him to understand how angry I am.”

“All right, keeping in mind that neither of you tend to be people who shout at each other, is there another way you could convey your anger?  Not just that you are angry, Susan, but why you are angry as well.  It’s never helpful to just say ‘I’m mad’.  You need to be clear why you are mad.  Can you express in words why are angry with John?”

“Because he loves her more than he loves me, because she shared something with him that I never can, how they were together, I can’t be like... _that_.”  She sniffled, taking another tissue from the box.

“Why do you think he loves her more than you?”

This plunged Susan into silence.  She let her thoughts run through her head.

“I don’t know why, he just does.”

“We will come back to that, think on it a bit more, there has to be reason.  What has he shared with her that you never can and what do you mean by how they were together?”

Susan flushed, not wanting to say what she was thinking.  She shook her head and looked down.

“You don’t know why or you are embarrassed to say it?”

Susan blew out a breath in a violent puff, then inhaled, finally looking up at Sandra.

“Sexually. Okay?  I can’t compete with her, she’s like every guys dirty little fantasy, she’s...adventurous in a way I could never be. I don't know everything, not even close, but...I can imagine, based on what I know about her.”

Sandra took this statement in and nodded.

“I see. So, he has shared details with you that makes you think that he was more sexually satisfied with her than he is with you? Has he done something or said something that makes you feel that way?”

“No, no, he doesn’t share _those_ details about women he’s been with, and I know there have been _a lot_ of women. I accidentally found out about something he hadn’t shared with me, about her and him, and it drives me a little crazy because I could _never_ do that with him and I wonder if it bothers him that I can't do those things with him."

“Have you asked him?”

“Well, we talk about things sometimes, and we'd talk about it when I first found out, but over time it has bothered me, I can't get it out of my mind because she always around.”

“How do you feel about your love life, has the physical side of your relationship been lacking?”

“No, not at all. I think he and I both agree that part has been good, well better than good, we have chemistry, its more than... satisfactory.”

“So you have a more than satisfactory love life, but you still feel like he’d be happier with her because she is more adventurous in the bedroom?”

“Maybe?”

“So you are not sure then? Have you asked him if he’s happy with your sex life?”

“Not specifically but we often, well almost always talk... after... and he has never complained or said anything that makes me think he didn’t enjoy it, in fact he often say how much he _did_ enjoy it.”

“What does that say to you?”

“That it is more my issue than his?”

“Perhaps, but maybe you should ask him outright.  If you feel you would like a more adventurous sex life then either take the initiative to introduce something new that you want or discuss it with him if you don’t feel you are comfortable with anything more adventurous than you already do together.  Everyone has their own comfort level.  But for happy marriage most couples need to be feeling satisfied physically as well as emotionally, and if something is lacking you need to see how he feels about fixing it.”

“Okay, he’s pretty open about sex, I’m sure that I'm less adventurous than he is, considering.”

“Considering what?”

“That he has been with so many women.”

“That bothers you.”

“In a way it does, mainly because his exes seem to be everywhere.  He often dates within the medical community so I can’t help but run into women he’s dated, but he doesn’t have to deal with that as much, I have dated fewer people and most of them don’t live here. I hate it when they come on to him, and it happens all the time, women just... get all over him all the time.”

“Ah. Does he know how much it bothers you?”

“I’ve told him and we talked about it the other day. He can’t know how it feels to watch women come on to him, flirt and... it’s nauseating.”

“Does he seem to welcome the attention or does he tend to push the women away?”

“I’ve never seen him encourage it, though he seems to stay friends with his exes for the most part, which is a real issue.  Like we were away not long ago and this women he dated years ago ran into him and literally propositioned him, told him they needed to _catch up_.  I thought she was going to strip him naked right then and there and throw him down on the table.”

“I see. But he didn’t hide it from you, and apparently didn’t take her up on it.”

“No, he said he told her no, he was married and not interested. But it still happens.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“He’s a good looking, sickeningly rich, doctor, who seems to know half of damn Chicago. He’s connected, people know who he is, women hang off of him, pursue him, literally throw themselves at him on a regular basis and it makes me ill.”

“But you don’t think he encourages it?”

“Not really, he has been low key, when he first came to County it was only by chance we ever found out he comes from a wealthy family. He worked hard to get where he is now, he didn’t use his money as a free ride by any stretch. So no, okay, that’s not his fault, it’s just how it is.”

“All right, so why does it bother you so much?”

“I don’t know, just on top of how Harper has been acting...it seems like...like I’m easily replaced. If we break up, he has a line up of women waiting for him. Harper for one, I guess that’s why I am so bothered he is there now, if she gets wind of the fact we're having trouble, she’s going to pursue him. I would bet on it.”

“You think he’ll respond to that and let her?”

“Don’t you?  You’ve been doing therapy with him, don’t you think he’ll be happy to have a woman there to fall back on, someone to make it all better?  She did it before, she’ll do it again.  She seems sweet but underneath I really wonder.”

“I can’t venture an opinion, Susan, it’s what you think that matters, remember anything John and I discuss is confidential.  This session is about you, about how you feel and whether you want to try and fix things, whether you love him and want to be in the marriage.”

“I love him, he messed up, but... he said he recognizes it and he wants us to come in together and try to work it out. I guess it will depend on if he still wants that once he comes back from Houston. If he has...” Susan felt the tears building again, thinking that it might already be too late, he could be with her now.

* * *

 John strapped Devon into his seat, then put his bag into the back of the rental car. Harper leaned in to give the small boy a kiss.

“You be good for daddy, and I'll see you again soon, okay?  I love you Dev.” Harper brushed her hands over the boys hair, then shut the door with a soft thunk.

Harper turned to look at John who was standing by the car.

“Wow, John, this is real, right?”  Harper brushed a tear from her cheek, looking up at the man she loved.

“Yes, it’s very real.  I’m sorry, its the way it needs to be, I hope you understand why?”

“I’m sorry, for everything.   _Everything_.”  She repeated with a meaningful inflection in her voice.  “I never meant to let it get that far.”

“Forget it okay?”  He slid out of the leather jacket he was wearing and quickly double checked the pockets, then held it out to her. 

“Really?  It was a gift John, I want you to have it.”

“I know, but I don’t feel right about it, and if I want my marriage to work, there can be no more gifts like this, ever.  It’s too much of a reminder of Italy and our time together, its that very jacket, right?”

Harper nodded. “Of course it is... you don’t want those memories, it was...”

John inhaled deeply, he didn’t like any of this, but Harper was part of his past, and Susan was his present and future.

“Harper. I won’t ever forget, but we had our time and its over. The jacket is a constant reminder to my wife, and I don’t feel good wearing it around her when...yeah, you get it, don’t you?  Would you want your husband wearing something given to him by his ex?  Especially considering the circumstances?”

“Oh. Stupid of me, sorry, you’re right.” 

"I thought about what I should do with it and I felt it was best to just give it back to you. You can decide what you want to do with it. I hope that you can move on too and find someone. You’re terrific, and you deserve to find someone who can commit, that can love you back fully and completely.”

“Thank you. I need one last hug, John.” She grabbed him and hugged him tight. “I promise, no more after this, but I have to properly say goodbye, I’m going to miss you.”

“Take care. It’s not like we won’t ever talk or see each other, right? Devon still needs us both, its just that the rules have changed a bit.”  

She watched as he drove away again, this time she knew for sure, he was never coming back. Not to her. Not the way she would have liked. A little piece of her wished for him back, kicked herself for ever letting him go.

* * *

Susan was laying awake, which was about all she seemed to do lately.  Lay awake torturing herself with thoughts about what was going on in Houston.  She sighed and looked at the clock again.  Midnight.  Exactly 1 minute since she looked last time.

She sat up suddenly, hearing a sound in the hallway, soft footsteps, soft voices.  She had not heard the door, but she knew she had set the alarm and the front gate had been closed.  John.  She recognized the low timbre of his voice as he quietly said something to Devon, the boys sleepy response.  He was finally home.  She lay back down, half hoping he would come into their bedroom, but that was not to be.  

Why should she even expect that he would?  She chastised herself, of course, she made it very clear she wanted him to move to another room, and he had, he had moved some of his belongings to one of the guest rooms down the hall.  Silence descended again as she heard the click of a bedroom door shutting, and she let out another long sigh.

This was going to drive her crazy, not knowing, another long sleepless night of wondering, wishing and hoping that he was still hers.

* * *

John shut the bedroom door, wishing he could talk to Susan, but it was the middle of the night and he was not sure what kind of mood she was in.  Certainly not a good one if he woke her up at midnight to say he was home.  For all he knew her answer would be ‘so what’?  He was tired, it had been a stressful few days, he hadn’t slept very well, imagining how things would be when he got home. For all he knew his bags could be packed and sitting on the front lawn.

He lay staring at the ceiling, thinking over his conversation with Harper, what had happened that night in the hotel.

_“Why? You don’t trust yourself with me?” Harper gave him a little smile. It’s still there right? The attraction? I know it is for me.”_

_“Harper, don_ _’t okay?” John had shaken his head, she was flirting with him?_

_“Come on John, you know it was always good with us. Don’t tell me you couldn’t...use a little therapy.” She smiled coming up to him, wrapping an arm around his neck, pulling him down, pressing her lips against his. He could feel her hand sliding down._

_“Harper. Stop!”He disentangled himself from her, pushing her away from him.  “I can’t.”_

_“Can’t?  Why not, it’ll be good, she doesn’t have to know.” Harper shrugged._

_“I’ll know. I can’t...and I don’t want to. I love her, don’t you understand that? You know what the problem is in our marriage? Why we are having issues?”_

_“I don’t know, what’s the problem?”_

_“YOU. YOU are the problem. What the hell are you even doing here?  Were you planning this? Trying to get me to sleep with you? To cheat on her?  Why would you do that?” John ran his hand through his hair. “You need to go, you cannot be here.”_

_Harper frowned, then leaned on the table._

_“Me. I’m the big issue.” She turned away, then back to him.  I’m sorry.”_

_“Right, sorry, sure you are Harper.”_

_“No, John, I am. She means that much to you?”_

_“Of course she does, she’s my wife.  I wouldn’t be with her if she didn’t mean something to me, we have a family, and I am going to lose it all because...I have allowed you to interfere.  I care about you Harper, and I know you have to be part of my life, we have a child. But it’s too much. I’m not single, I’m not looking for an affair, Susan has not done anything to deserve this and I don’t want to lose her. Hell, she might already be gone, I might be divorced before you know it.”_

_“But you still don’t want...anything with me?”_

_“No, I don’t. The last thing I need right now is to get involved with you. It certainly won’t make things better, we’ve proven that fact already. It would be enjoyable, it would feel good but it wouldn’t fix anything. It would be a bandaid at most. You don’t deserve that either, you know that, right? "_

_“So what if she leaves you?”_

_“I hope to hell that doesn’t happen, but if it does, then I think I need to try a bit of time on my own. Jumping into another relationship of any sort would be...the wrong choice. Because I do that too often, I break up with someone, something goes wrong and I find someone else.  It’s not healthy Harper, and honestly?  I can’t replace her.  I can’t, she means too much, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone for me to just jump into bed with you because my marriage is on the rocks.”_

_“Wow, you have it bad for her.  Okay, I hear you, and I guess I have to appreciate that Susan is different.  She’s changed you.”_

_“In a good way I hope, or I’ve just learned a few lessons along the way.  Look, can we get out of the room and go downstairs?”_

_“Okay, okay, fine.”_

_He and Harper had talked for at least another hour, but not about Susan.  They’d set some new rules._

_No more baby or honey or sweetie or other endearments._

_No more late phone calls, she was to call and talk or video with Devon only, unless it was an emergency._

_They would talk regularly, but not daily and only deal with Devon._

_She would not stay at their house._

_She would not buy him gifts, especially expensive ones._

_She would have to arrange other means to get Devon down to Houston to visit her, though he would help financially with airfare._

_In the end, she seemed to understand why he needed to do this, even if his marriage to Susan ended, it was not right for them to be together.  Their time had passed and they needed to move on, love other people._

_Harper had admitted she was misguided and wrong to make a move like that, coming to his hotel and she would not do it again.  She would back off and let him try to fix his marriage.  Try to let him move on with his life without her constantly in the background._

* * *

Susan tossed and turned, looking at the clock again.  12:15.  Great, a whole fifteen minutes and she knew she wasn’t going to sleep.  She sat on the side of the bed and stared at the clock, willing it to change. 12:16....12:17.

Never mind. This was NOT working, she was never going to sleep tonight. She wrapped a light robe around herself and quietly went down to the kitchen, getting a glass of water from the fridge.  She turned, noticing the slightly ajar patio door, the small point of light that appeared, then disappeared.  She stepped over, realizing he was sitting on the wicker couch, she could smell what he was smoking.

She took her water, settling beside him on the couch, his dark eyes turning to observe her.

“Busted,” he said softly as he blew out a trail of smoke.

He didn’t explain, he didn’t have to tell her why. It was something he did now and again, when he was exceptionally stressed, and she knew it. Basically harmless but... no, he had things under control.

She took it silently from his fingers, the light contact of their fingers brushing reassuring.  She took a long drag before holding it out to him. They sat quietly, sharing it back and forth until it was gone.

“You’re home.” She spoke quietly. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” His deep low voice washed over her soothingly.

She didn’t want to ask, she was scared know what had happened in Houston, if he had gone to her.  It would make or break them, but tonight, _tonight_ it was just him and her.

She reached out and took his hand, feeling the warm gold wedding band, twisting it nervously. Standing, she pulled him to his feet, leading him into the house and up the stairs, back to their room, softly shutting the door. Turning, her fingers seeking the nape of his neck, savouring the warmth of his embrace as he held her tight.

Susan twined her hands into his hair, moving, caressing, inhaling his warm scent, craving the closeness, his touch. She wasn’t sure how they ended up on the bed, she was vaguely aware of the shirt she was wearing—John’s shirt—sliding off her shoulders, his hand gently running down her body. The passionate kisses, the smooth heat of his skin, the soft moan escaping her lips as they joined as one.  

His soft whisper against her heated skin, more of a breath than words— _I love you—_ his fingers tracing her face, the gentle movement of their bodies against each other. The way he enfolded her in his arms as they both drifted off into a peaceful sleep afterwards.

* * *

 Susan woke up feeling almost rested for the first time in a week, wrapped tightly against his body. Almost like he was scared to let her go, like she would be gone if he didn’t keep hold of her. She entwined her left hand with his, snuggling back down into the sheets.

John was semi awake, loving how she seemed to sink deeper into the bed, deeper into his arms as she took his hand in hers.  He dared hope that they were turning a corner, that maybe, just maybe it was going to be okay.  No doubt they had work to do on their marriage, but this was a start.  Even if they hadn’t really spoken more than a few words, the ones that had been spoke volumes.

_I missed you... I love you..._


	63. Kiss From A Rose

Susan woke up to find the bed beside her empty. It felt like a dream, but she saw the indent in the pillow, and could smell his aftershave, she could detect the faint scent of him on her own skin. She glanced at the clock realizing it was after nine am already. No way the kids slept this late, he must be up with them.

She felt good, she’d not slept so soundly for quite some time, not since the last night in the Vineyard when she had flipped out about Harper. They had work to do on their marriage, of that she had no doubt, but they were at least at the point where they could talk.  

Talk. Not much of that last night, but it was good, the sex was always good. No, she mused, it was always making love, even when it was hot and heavy, it was never just sex. She thought back to the appointment with Sandra, her fears that John was with Harper in Houston.  

_”Susan, do you trust him?”_

_“I want to, but it has been hard lately, and I pushed him away, he might think our marriage is over.”_

_“Perhaps, and I cannot answer for him, but have a little faith.There are some things I’d like you to do while he’s away, and it does not include obsessing.  If you feel the need to know what he’s doing, then call and ask him. Don’t let it be a mystery, when he comes home then open the lines of communication, let him know you want and need him to be there. He probably needs reassurance as much as you need his. Take his cue and avoid speaking words in anger, if you find yourself losing control try to walk away, know he may do the same, but don’t close off, come back when you feel able to talk again.”_

Susan had spent the past couple days writing down all the things she needed to say, needed to ask, needed to do, things to clear the air and start the healing process, _if_ he was willing to work on it with her.   She had booked them an appointment to see Sandra a couple day after John was due back from Houston, there was a reason why she was so highly thought of as a therapist.  She had asked just the right questions at the right times, it had Susan thinking about some of her own insecurities, and she had asked if she might continue with a few individual sessions on top of the couples counseling she had booked.

Sandra had readily agreed.

_”Of course Susan, from what you have told me maybe you are getting in your own way sometimes, as is John at times.  It seems clear to me that you love each other, but you have to expect that there will a long healing process to get back to where you were.  The good news is if you can each overcome your individual issues and break down that wall that has come between you, your marriage can survive.  In fact, not only could it survive, it could become even better than it was before this whole situation came up.  It might feel like the end of the world right now, but remember, he asked you to go to counseling with him.  He has been very open to therapy at various points in his life, I would be surprised if he refused your request.”_

She failed miserably at the directions not to obsess about what was going on between John and Harper, but she’d been scared to call him, frightened he might tell her to get lost.  Whatever happened next had to be in person.  She didn’t really mean to take him to bed like that last night, but it certainly felt good and let her get some sleep.  Her intent was to find out about Houston first, but it had happened, her fear getting in the way.  Her need for emotional closeness overwhelming her, though she knew it was but a small olive branch, nothing had been solved, it had only been comfort given, much needed physical and emotional comfort.

Well, no regrets, he was her husband after all and she’d needed to reestablish some sort of bond with him.

She stretched, then dragged herself out of bed and into the shower. The warm water sluiced over her body, refreshing her, she felt rejuvenated after having more than an hour of fitful sleep.  By the time she wandered into the kitchen, the kids were already off playing, John had dressed them, fed them, brushed teeth and taken them all out to play in the early summer sunshine.

Susan surveyed the yard, which was looking incredible, the gardener had been carefully tending all the flowers they had lovingly planted, and it was a profusion of colour.  The wedding.  She had to get her mind back on the wedding.  It was a bare 3 weeks away, and Lexi and Luka would be getting married in their backyard Thankfully the caterer, tent and all the rentals had been booked already including the dinnerware and glass ware.  She and John would have to put on some sort of front, they were having a ton of guests...the wedding was not huge, but it looked to be around 40 or 50 people, and at the very least having a truce with him was helpful.

Susan made herself a light breakfast, taking it out to the sunny patio.

“Good morning sleepy.”  John came over and kissed her, she reached up and wound her hand in his hair, holding him there for a moment so she could savour it.

“Morning.  You were up early.”

“7:30, the tribe was starting to get restless, and you looked peaceful, so I thought I’d let you sleep in,”  he said quietly against her hair, seeming in no hurry to pull away from her.

“I was tired.”  She smiled softly as he nodded, gave her another brief kiss, then turned back to pay attention to the kids.  

She watched as they all played in the sun, Aiden watching the action from his seat on the blanket spread over the lush green lawn.  John came over to scoop him up as he started to squawk in indignation at being ignored, holding him on his hip as he kicked the soccer ball back to Cosmo.

Her family, she had to love them all.

* * *

John helped put the kids down for naps after lunch, then went into his office, Susan not far behind him, closing the door. Cosmo and Devon were busy with their own pursuits in the playroom, Cosmo with directions to keep an eye on the younger boy.

John opted to sit on the couch, bringing her down beside him rather than talk over the expanse of the antique desk. They'd been through a lot in the past week, and putting physical barriers between them would only deepen the chasm. He knew simply sleeping together wasn't enough, and it had been tense when he’d left...well ran away was more like it. Avoiding a confrontation, he didn’t want to make things worse right before he went away, to speak more angry and hurtful words to each other.

He reached out, taking her hand, playing with her wedding rings, which he noted she was in fact still wearing. It had to be good indicator that she wasn't quite out the door yet. There still might be some hope for both of them.

“I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Me too.” Susan looked up at him. “I did a lot of thinking while you were away, and...I went to see Sandra.”

“You did?” John raised an eyebrow at her.

“I did. I see why you like her, she makes you think, knows how to get you to the realization...well you're being a complete idiot without actually telling you in so many words. I booked us an appointment tomorrow, if you're willing to go, Elise and Emily will be here for the kids.”

“Yes, I’m willing to go, I think we need to have some assistance in getting everything out there. We can talk, but she can be...our referee so to speak, the facilitator, like you said, she can tell either one of us if we are off the mark.”

“She can. She gave me an assignment and asked if you could do the same thing. It’s basically making some notes of things you need to get out there, get off your chest, discuss with me. Things we haven’t been able to talk about without it getting tense. Will you do that?”

“Sure, I don’t have a problem with it, what is the point of counseling if you aren’t going to talk.”  He gave her hand a squeeze.  “I’m relieved you decided to do this, I have to admit I was worried, we seemed so far apart.  I’m sorry I had to go, I know it upset you, but it turned out to be for the best.”

“How could you running off to Houston be for the best?" 

John bit back the harsh reply on the tip of his tongue, taking a long slow breath before he answered. “It gave you the space you needed, and I had a chance to sit down with Harper and she agreed to back off.  To respect the boundaries and we put some rules in place.  I won’t be taking Devon to Houston anymore, she will have someone pick him up and take him, I only have to get him to the airport. I’ll help with the flights but it will be a rare occasion that I actually go with him.”

“She agreed?  Just like that?” Susan frowned, tilting her head slightly. “How much did you tell her?”

“Just enough to make her understand she was rocking the boat so to speak. Capsizing the boat is maybe more accurate. She could tell by looking at me something was wrong, I don’t think I was coping very well. She wanted to know what the issue was, and I let her know it was her, the phone calls, the endearments, the overly expensive Christmas gift, all of those things were an issue. I told her I love you and I needed her to respect our relationship.”

“Wow. You’re okay with it too?”

“Of course I am, you were right, we were too close and she was monopolizing too much of my time. I’ll still have to see her and talk to her at times, but it will be infrequent, as it should be.  We’re still on good terms, it won’t cause a problem with what we need to do for Devon, but she knows that it’s time she moves on.”

“So...nothing happened between you?” Susan asked hesitantly.

“Nothing as in what?” He searched her face, the truth of what she was asking him flooding through his mind. After last night?  She actually thought that he would...do that to her?  That he'd turn his back on everything they had, sleep with Harper and then come back home and make love to her like nothing had happened?

“Are you asking if I slept with Harper on this trip to Houston?  Seriously Susan?" He dropped his head into his hands, trying not to lose his temper. "Is that what you think? That I have so little self control? Fuck." He rubbed his hands over his face, getting up off the couch, leaning on his desk with his head down. Finally he turned, crossing his arms.

She averted her eyes, staring down at her hands, looking like she wanted the couch to swallow her up.

He took a couple of deep breaths, knowing how he handled this would set the tone for the rest of the day, and they’d just started talking again. He could see she was trying not to cry, he was on the verge of losing it, but he brought it under control quickly. Don’t, don’t, it will not help, was all he could think. 

Instead he lifted her chin and he looked her directly in the eyes, answering it straight on.

“No Susan, I did _not_ have sex with Harper when I went to Houston. I haven’t been with anyone but you since we got together. Why would you think that?”  He tried to keep his voice level, though he was hurt and more than a little angry.

“Sorry sorry.” She brushed a tear away.  “Stupid of me for doubting you, but I wasn’t exactly nice to you before you left, and I said some horrible things in anger.  I thought you might assume it was over between us and...I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say.  I had to ask.”

“Okay. You’ve asked, I’ve answered, I think we should let it go. It’s been a tough week, and you obviously let your imagination run away with you, so... how about we deal with other things now.”

“That’s it? You’re not mad?”

“I’m hurt you would assume I have so little self control that I’d just jump into bed with her because we had a fight. I’m angry you think I'd come home and... be with you like we were last night... but... I wasn’t ready to give up on us quite yet. Believe it or not, I’ve learned a great deal from past mistakes, and certainly Sandra has helped me recognize quite a few things about myself.  I need you to realize you don’t have to panic or worry every time we have a fight. I’m sure we’ll have other disagreements, and things might be said in the heat of the moment, but it's not going to push me to sleep with someone else. Clear?”

“Yes, okay.” She nodded “How many times did you see Sandra after our fight?”

“A couple, and I phoned her to talk one day. It helped.” John shrugged. “I needed someone to talk me down, she’s good at it. She’s good at her job, I’m glad I have her as a therapist.”

“She’s good, no question. So when I flipped out both times about you not being home with the kids? You went to see her?  To talk to her?”

“Yes. The one day was doctors appointments I’d scheduled before we went to the Vineyard, you know I have to go in regularly, and Sandra fit me in for a couple of extra sessions so I could figure out some things. I wasn’t trying to avoid being with the kids, or dump extra work on you. I needed the appointments. Then you were shooting daggers at me with your eyes, so I assumed you would prefer I wasn’t around. You didn’t want to talk, and I didn’t want to fight, so I let you have some space.”

“Sorry, for being so angry about it, I should be grateful you had the good sense to ask for help as soon as you recognized the problem.”

“It’s fine, okay?  We both know words have been spoken in anger, I still have hope we can get past it. Last night was great, but we have a lot of problems and we can’t pretend it's all better.”

“No, I’m not thinking that either. I just needed...” Susan wiped away another tear. “Sorry, I needed the closeness, the comfort, I didn’t even mean for it to happen, it just did, you know?  It sounds so bad.” She was crying in earnest now, ashamed to admit why she had slept with him last night.

“Hey, don’t do that. We both know what it was, Susan, it was just one step towards each other, not a cure to all our problems. Don’t be sorry, I needed it too, to feel like maybe we still have something, and I believe we do, you can’t make love like that to someone... you don’t truly love. We need to start somewhere to find what we’ve lost, baby steps.”

Susan closed her eyes, inhaling deeply, letting it all out as a long sigh. “Baby steps.”

* * *

Susan stood on the balcony overlooking the backyard at the bustle of activity below. It was still early, barely 8 am, yet the crews were already hard at work, John in the fray along with the indispensable Emily, directing where things were to be set up. The sun was up and it was warm, the sky a perfect shade of blue with only a few wisps of clouds.

"Knock knock, can I come in?" Lexi called from the open doorway to the master bedroom.

“Yes! You’re here!” Susan gave her friend a long warm hug.  “Are you excited?  I can’t believe its here!  Your wedding day!”

“I know, the time just flew by and I am so, so happy.  It feels like a dream, a fantasy, getting to spend the rest of my life with Luka and our family.”

“Ah, it’s about time honey.  Did you put your stuff into the guest room?”

“I did.  Wow!  Look at that, it is going to be incredible!”

“Yes, absolutely, I’m thrilled how all the flowers and planters turned out. It's like a bee hive down there, Lex they have the archway set up, the chairs set up and they are starting on the tent. I think the caterers have loaded up the fridges and started preparing food.  Did you eat?"

“Not yet, too nervous.“

“Well, we’ll have some snacks to nibble on before the ceremony, can’t have the bride fainting from hunger.   So, off to the spa with us, we have an appointment to be pampered before the wedding, and Mandy is meeting us there. The photographer will take a few pictures of us getting ready, then we all come back to the house for us to get dressed. John and Luka will be pretty much ready and out of the way before we get back to put on our dresses, he said to phone when we left the salon."

Lexi looked out over the yard one more time.

"Wow, this is going to be amazing! I can’t believe it, it's going to be like a fairyland out there. John said the lights looked terrific, it should look magical as the sun goes down.   Already, look at the pool, and the tent. How are we keeping people out of there while we do pictures?"

"The tent will be closed up totally until about an hour before dinner, and if it gets too hot we can keep it enclosed and there is a portable air conditioning unit in there. That will help keep the flowers fresh as well, though John made sure all the planters were well watered early this morning and the florist will put out the arrangements just before the guests start to arrive.“

Susan ushered the bride back inside the house, picking up her purse and keys.

"Time to go, we have a busy morning, massages, manicure and pedicure, and of course hair and makeup."

Lexi stopped her quickly.

“How are things with you and John?”

“Good, Lex.  Really great actually, the visits to Sandra have helped, you were right counselling was the right thing to do.  And get this, no phone calls, nothing from Harper, she has backed right off, I don’t know exactly what he said to her on that last trip, but it worked.”

“That is such great news, Susan, you look happy again.”

“That’s because I am.”

* * *

John surveyed the organized chaos happening before him. Emily had overseen a lot of dinner parties and special occasions for his grandparents and had been instrumental in figuring out the schedule and final details for the wedding. Luka and Lexi could not really afford an expensive wedding planner, so they had worked things out with Emily to give them a bit of a hand with the big day.

Elise was also on hand along with an extra sitter for the kids, to help with Ava, Ben, Maya, Aiden and Anya.  Devon and Cosmo were part of the wedding, though sadly Abby had refused to allow Joe to be there.

Susan caught up with him as he did a final check that the bar area was set up, giving him a quick kiss.

"You have this well under control by the looks of it. Lex and I are heading to the salon to meet Mandy and have our pre wedding pampering, I’ll call on my way back? Luka was coming at about 10?"

“Piece of cake, we have everyone scheduled in, once the guys finish the tent, dance floor and tables ready, the florist will get the tent decorated and then the serving staff will do the tables. The caterer has started, the cake arrived along with all the desserts...so we are in good shape. It is going to be a beautiful day."

"Yes, it is. This is going to be gorgeous. The babies are both asleep, Elise is keeping the others busy. See you in a while!"

John grabbed her for another kiss before she left, giving a little smile at her retreating back. He looked over to see the tent rental crew all pretending not to watch her walk away, he gave a soft little laugh, thinking they could look all they liked, but he was the lucky one who had the incredible woman he was lucky enough to call his wife. 

* * *

 Luka arrived an hour later, pulling his car into the garage which John had left open for him.  He hit the button to close the door, then proceeded into the house and up the back stairs.  He dropped his small bag in the guest room, his suit already there, neatly hung up in the closet.  He was slightly nervous, this was the third time he was walking down the aisle, the first time he was when he had married Danijela, and he had hoped she would be forever.

Of course fate played its hand, and he'd lost her so young, along with his lovely children, and he'd never thought he could find another woman he would love as much as his first wife.

He'd tried over the years, he had been incredibly attracted to Carol Hathaway, they had spent some time together but it went nowhere, she was still in love with Doug Ross, and had finally moved to Seattle to be with the father of her twin girls.  Then he had dated Abby, and he had loved her, but never like Danijela, and it ended up being more heartbreak as they broke up, he watched her move on with Carter, then she came back to him unexpectedly, only for it all to fall apart yet again.  

Lexi.  She was a miracle to him, sweet and kind, loving and affectionate, open and honest.  He loved waking up to her in the morning, making love to her, holding her close at night as they drifted to sleep.  He loved their daughter, Anya, the new addition to their lives, and of course he loved Joe with all his heart, and Lexi welcomed the little boy as if he was her own.  He felt lucky to have another chance at love, and he could not wait to see her walk down the aisle this afternoon.

"Luka.  You made it, I was beginning to worry you were having second thoughts."  John was in the doorway with a smile on his face.  

"Wild horses could not keep me from marrying Lexi, John, and you know it."  Luka gave him a warm smile back, a little laugh breaking out as he saw the humour in his friends eyes.  John knew Luka would be there,  come hell or high water to see the woman meet him at the altar.

"Yeah, she's a keeper, I liked her from the first day I met her.  Good thing you are taking her off the market."

"Hey, hey, you're married."

"Don't I know it."  John could see the joy in Luka's eyes.  "Seriously though, she's great, you two seem so happy together, you have a beautiful family, about time is all I can say."

"The only thing missing is Joe.  I still cannot believe Abby would not let me have him today, it's her weekend and she insists he stay with her."

"I know, I wish she had changed her mind too, but...when she gets it in her head to dig in her heels about something, it is impossible to get her to change her mind.  I'm sorry, having him here would make the day perfect, but it will still be special.  Why don't you come down and we'll relax for a bit, you can take a look at what is going on outside and have a cold drink?"

* * *

Four hours later John sent Luka up to change, they'd had a light lunch, overseen the last of the set up and had some relaxation time.  Luka opted to wait and have a quick shower and shave just before he put on his suit, John was about to head upstairs to do the same when he heard his name.

"Uncle John!"  The small voice echoed across the back yard which was relatively peaceful now, the tent was decorated and fully set up, everything in place with the exception of the food which of course would only be brought out shortly before the reception.  The guest would be arriving in the next couple hours and the ladies were about ready to leave the salon, which meant he had to get Luka ready and out of the house before they got back.  

Luka’s brother had surprised them by agreeing to come over from Croatia for the wedding, so he had just arrived and was also getting ready to be a groomsman.

"Joe?" John scooped up the boy, giving him a little toss in the air, before throwing him over his shoulder.  The boy giggled at the rough housing, kicking slightly.

"Uncle John, let me down! Let me down!”

John noticed Abby standing on the flagstone patio watching him with the young boy and he swung the boy back to the ground. "Abby."

"Hi Carter." She looked around, taking in the decorations and set up in the backyard.  "Wow, this is incredible.  You and Susan put this together?"

It was only the second time she had seen the house, and last time the yard had not been so lush and green, copious amounts of colourful flowers and of course the elegant touches that had been put in place for the wedding.

"With help of course.  It was a team effort to make it come together, but I am really pleased with how it turned out.  What are you doing here?"

"Dropping off Joe."  She held out a small suit bag.  "I stopped at the store, the one Luka mentioned you were getting Devon's clothes from and picked up the outfit so he could be part of the wedding."

"Joe, Devon is up in his room, why don't you go up and play for a bit."    

The small boy nodded and took off into the house.

"What made you change your mind?"

Abby draped the suit bag carefully over a patio chair and put down the overnight bag.

"You did.  I hate it when you're right."

"It's nice to hear you admit it occasionally."  

Abby rolled her eyes at him, though she had to admit, John had been right about a lot of things.  She’d come to terms with the fact that both he and Luka had moved on, and it was for the best, she had a lot of work to do on herself...it was an ongoing process.  She was moving to Northwestern soon, leaving County for good, and she hoped along with it the memories that seemed to plague her there.

“I realized that it was wrong to keep him from seeing his dad get married, he's old enough he will remember it and he was sad he was missing the big day.  I was being selfish, it's something I need to work on, John, I am too often thinking about me and not enough about other people.  If I had been better at that, maybe everything in my life would be different.  I certainly would not have lost two men I loved...love...all due to my own inability to commit.  I’m sorry, I should have been there for you when you needed me and I should have been a better wife to Luka."

John was silent only for a moment, not wanting to get into this kind of conversation, he simply nodded in acknowledgement of her words.

"Thank you for bringing him, Luka will be really excited to see him, it was the little piece he was missing Abby.  Do you want to come get him later tonight?  Or can we keep him overnight and I’ll bring him home tomorrow for you?  I think he was staying with you for a few days?”

"Tomorrow is fine.  Let him enjoy it, he loves being out here, you know he barely stops talking about how much fun he has with his Uncle John?  How weird is it that our kids play together, seriously, if you'd told me that a few years ago I would have laughed in your face.  To be honest?  I thought...I imagined that you and I would have a son or a daughter, not have our sons being best friends and mine calling you uncle."

"Really?  I never got the impression you wanted kids.  I mean, you are good with them, but I never thought you actually wanted one of your own, I don't even know how to respond to that comment.  In hindsight, we both know we should have only ever been friends, at least from my viewpoint.  But things happen for a reason, and we obviously both learned something, I just wish that you would...be happy Abby.  Find that thing that makes you truly happy."

Abby nodded sadly.

"I missed the boat, Carter, boy, did I miss it, it sailed long ago without me.  I see you with Susan, how much you love her and it hurts.  Even seeing you with Harper, I can't stand it, she annoys me to no end.  But on the other side, I'm glad you found happiness, had the family you wanted, if you had married me your life would never have been easy."

"Easy.  That is never word I have applied to my life, Abby, for so many reasons.  But yes, I have found what I was looking for, and I hope I have it forever...I hope I have her forever, and our family, our kids are everything.”  He sighed.  “You know, it will never be easy, Abby, but some things are just worth the extra effort.

"I know, Carter, I get it, and I can see that Luka is happy too, he is marrying the right person, a woman who lightens him, I have never seen him smile as much as he has recently. Look I should go, you have a lot to do. Call me in the morning, okay?"

"Sure, it won't be too early, I promise, it could be a late one."

Abby nodded then turned to go, knowing she had done the right thing, that she was finally able to make a few amends, let Luka be happy and have his son. Give her final apology to John, let him go once and for all.  She knew over the years she had made small attempts to woo him back to her, but he had never seemed to be interested.  A lot of therapy and a recent near meltdown had finally put her on the right path though, she recognized that exes were exes for a reason, and you had to let go of them completely in order to move on. No more room for regrets.

She did truly see how happy he was lately.  There had been rumours that he and Susan were on the rocks a few weeks ago, but it certainly didn’t seem like it now.  He looked all smiles and happiness today.  Even if it were the case, she knew that John would never come back to her, and she could not interfere.  Maybe he was right, they should have stayed friends and never crossed that line, but she’d learned from the relationship too.

Sure he’d had his issues, and she felt she may have compounded them in some ways. How dumb was she, walking away that night on the roof?  Well, who knows, that was obviously as it was meant to be, he’d found love easily elsewhere, maybe too easily, telling her with the wisdom of hindsight, that what they had perhaps was not deep enough on either side. Perhaps it was more like wishful thinking on both parts, they had left a path of destruction behind them, a gulf too wide to cross.  

That closeness they had was gone forever, they were more like casual acquaintances now, Carter refused to get involved in her life in any way, shape or form, aside from  dropping off Joe if the occasion called for it. They didn’t talk of much of substance anymore, though he’d not been afraid to call her on her refusal to bring Joe for the wedding.

That she figured had more to do with his friendship with Luka, they were obviously very close, something no one could have foreseen. The two men had a lot in common, even if it took them years to recognize it, and they were building a long and enduring friendship.


	64. At Last

Susan held her hand to her face as she looked at her best friend, decked out in her stunning gown.  She could feel the tears of happiness brimming her eyes, Lexi was radiant, her eyes sparkling in a way Susan had never seen before.

"You look so amazing, Luka is not going to be able to take his eyes off you."

Lexi looked into the mirror with a smile, the dress was a flowing chiffon with a sweetheart neckline, a low back and a small train.  It fell beautifully over slim hips, accenting her small waist.  Her hair was in an elegant undo with a simple veil, her makeup natural, bringing out her lovely crystal blue eyes.  She wore a small ornate comb in her hair, something left to her long ago by her mother who had died when she was a teenager.

Susan produced a velvet box, holding up a lovely diamond necklace given to her by John, along with the matching drop diamond earrings.

"I told you I had jewelry for you to borrow?  My loving husband gave me these when we married, and I wanted to lend them to you for the evening.  So these are your borrowed and of course you have your blue.  And the old.”  Susan gently touched the hair comb.

Lexi was wearing a small sapphire ring that was also a family heirloom.

"Wow, these are gorgeous and must be worth a fortune.  Are you sure John doesn't mind?"

“No, of course not, I asked him and he said it was fine.  Besides, they are mine to do with what I will.  I am hoping that they will bring you luck for the future, as much joy as my family has brought me.  Despite the bumps in the road of course.”

"I see you are wearing another one of his gifts.  He gave you those around Valentines."

Susan touched the diamond and sapphire necklace that hung around her neck, the matching earring sparkling in her ears.

"He did, just a few days before, along with a beautiful bouquet of long stemmed red roses and...just a little bit of his favourite lingerie.  I think that was his present to himself."  Susan gave Lexi a wicked grin.

"Oh, I think perhaps you didn't mind it so much either, especially when he was taking it off of you."  Lexi raised an eyebrow.

“I never mind it when my husband decides to remove my clothing, though that was a couple weeks _after_ Valentines, Aiden was only a few weeks old at Valentines."

“I know, Anya is almost exactly the same age, just a few hours younger, remember?  You look amazing too Susan, John is going to love your dress, you all done up like that?”

There was a soft tap at the door, Lexi's uncle appearing.

"Are you ready?  It's time to begin."  He gazed fondly at his niece.  "My dear, you look beautiful.  I wish your mom and dad were here to see you today, to watch you marry Luka.  They would be so proud of you, so full of joy and happiness that you have a family of your own now.”

"Thank you, I wish they could be here too."  She dabbed at her eyes, taking a deep breath.  "I'm ready."

* * *

 Luka nervously straightened his tie, glancing over at John who smiled encouragingly as they walked towards the gathered guests.  

“Relax, it won’t hurt a bit.”  John quipped.

Luka frowned slightly, then a slow but wide grin spread across his face, John always seemed to know what to say, how to lighten the mood.

"Easy for you to say, this is my third marriage."  He whispered.

"I got married twice...this ones a keeper though, and lucky number three will be for you as well.  Try not to drool when you see her in her dress."  John joked.

That made Luka pause, then he took a deep slow breath.

"I'm ready."

* * *

Susan took the two small boys by the hand and led them forward, while Jing-Mei set Ava at the end of the aisle with a small basket of flower petals.  The music started and the guests all rose, turning to the small girl toddled up the aisle dropping petals, stopping finally when she reached her dad, who gently directed her back to Jing-Mei who was now in one of the front seats.  

Next Devon and Joe walked up the aisle, John could hear Luka's intake of breath at seeing his son, he looked over at John who gave him a small nod.  He had managed to keep it quiet that Joe had arrived, making it a surprise for Luka.  Not an easy task to confine the two small boys to the house, but the look and smile on Luka’s face to have his son here on this most special of days made it worth it.

Having one of his family come from Croatia, and now having his son had made Luka’s wedding day extra joyful for him.  Luka looked over again at John and his brother, both looking so put together in their tuxedos, and he took another deep breath.  He could see his good friends face as Mandy walked up the aisle, then the love etched there when Susan made her walk.

John could not take his eyes off of Susan as she made her way up the aisle, she looked stunning, her hair in a soft updo, the jewel tone of the simple and elegant gown bringing out her eyes which were sparkling, her skin slightly flushed but glowing.  He could see the glint of her own wedding ring and the simple jewels she wore.  Perfect was all he could think, amazing and special, and she was his, something he still could not believe half of the time.

The music changed and finally the processional started, John snuck a look at Luka, seeing the love and joy at his bride walking towards him, looking gorgeous in her flowing floor length chiffon gown which fit her perfectly, hugging her curves in all the right places.  He knew when the ladies had shown him the intended gown that they had knocked it out of the park, she was going to be a exceptionally beautiful bride.

He could see the slight sheen of tears in Luka’s eyes as Lexi stopped in front of him, and her uncle gave her a brief kiss before joining Jing-Mei in the first row of seats.  John looked over at his wife, she too seemed to be fighting the emotion, she gave him a watery smile before she turned her attention back to the proceedings.  He got slightly lost in his musings, watching Susan, but pulled his mind back to what was happening beside him.

The officiant had made his opening statement and was now moving on to the vows.

“Rings?”  Luka turned to John, who had both rings stuck onto his pinky finger, placed there just before Lexi had made her walk up the aisle.  He slid them off and handed the first one to Lexi, then the other to Luka.  Though Joe was the ring bearer, they had chosen not to attach the expensive jewellery to the pillow in fear they would somehow get lost in the lush green lawn.

They moved onto the ‘I do’s’, then the two newly weds were strolling back down the aisle, arm in arm, both smiling happily as the guests threw rose petals and the kids blew bubbles, applauding, voices joyful. 

Susan and John stepped towards each other, he held out his arm, letting Luka and Lexi get all the way down the aisle before he followed with his own wife.

“You look stunning, I could not take my eyes off of you.”  He said quietly as they started their walk.

“You look pretty good too there baby.”  Susan squeezed his arm, thinking it was quite the understatement.  John Carter always looked quite the sight in a tuxedo, he wore them like a perfect fitting glove. 

They both could see the photographer snapping pictures among the multitude of other cameras that were flashing and clicking.

The bride and groom took a few minutes to let people congratulate them, then the guests let them escape to take pictures.  Susan was starting to feel like the smile was plastered onto her face.

“Breathe.”  John whispered to her, leaning in for a kiss.  “Relax, we will have a short break soon before the reception starts.”

“Thank goodness, my cheeks are getting numb.”  She whispered back, but she did relax a bit and the photographer started to go wild with the camera again.  They did several more poses, both as a group and individual pictures, pictures of the couples with and without Ava, Devon and Joe, who had been part of the wedding.  

Elise brought Anya down, Luka and Lexi getting a family picture with the baby and Joe dressed up in his wedding suit.

“Oh, that is so cute.”  Susan gushed as the photographer set them up for the picture.  “That is a beautiful family picture.”

“We can do ours too if you like, when he is done?  A couple quick ones with all the kids and us?  It’s been a while since we did one and we are all dressed up anyway.”

Susan readily agreed as John had anticipated and the other kids were brought down briefly for a few photos before all the kids were ushered back into the house.  Elise and Emily were taking charge of them for the evening, though Joe, Devon and Cosmo were going to be allowed to attend the reception until they tired of sitting. 

Finally they were able to take a break, the wedding party gathered back near the altar and one of the servers appeared with a bottle and six glasses.  Susan could see the  photographer hovering at a respectful distance, but he had his camera ready.

The server set the glasses and the bottle on a small table and discreetly disappeared.

“Time for a little private toast to the bride and groom.”  John picked up the bottle. “I know Luka you are usually more of a beer drinker, but this is a very special day and it calls for a special bottle of champagne. “  He expertly removed the cork from the bottle with a distinct pop, immediately pouring the frothing liquid into he waiting glasses, then handing them out.

“To Lexi and Luka, may you have many, many joyful years together.  To the bride and groom!”  His words were short, but heartfelt, everyone clinked glasses and sipped the champagne.

“Oh my.”  Lexi said in wonderment.  “This tastes like magic, I have never tasted anything like this one.”

“1993 Cristal, a very good year.  I love this one and I happened across a bottle and thought it would be perfect.”  John was happy that she liked it, there was a similar bottle waiting for them in their hotel room, one they could drink or keep for their first anniversary celebration.

John refilled the glasses, pouring the last of the bottle, then they all wandered towards the pool area.

They had arranged for drinks and light hors d’oeuvres around the pool area while they had pictures taken, and now that dusk had fallen, one of the attendants had lit the floating candles in the pool that were joined by elegant floating flower arrangements.  The lights that had been strung from the trees had been turned on not long before, and interspersed were small lanterns with candles flickering softly.  It was taking on the magical fairyland atmosphere that they had intended during the planning, the lights from the house glowing softly adding to the effect. 

“This is absolutely amazing.”  Chuny came by to say hello.  “They really outdid themselves on the decor, and the ceremony was beautiful.”

“Thanks Chuny.  We are all really pleased with how it all turned out, hopefully the reception will go off without a hitch as well.”  Susan smiled at the Latin nurse.

It was evening now, the sun creeping towards the horizon as the guests all moved into the tent which had been opened up to the air, it being a warm night.

John and Susan stopped for a moment, while all the guests found their places.  Susan leaned up to give John a kiss, she felt his hands entwine with hers, their bodies barely touching as their lips met.  She sighed and leaned in slightly, tipping her head as his forehead lightly touched hers.

“I love you.”  He said softly, for her ears only.

“I love you too.”  She looked back up, smiling, raising a hand to stroke his cheek.  It felt like they were in their own little world, though just moments later voices intruded, reminding them that the reception was due to start.

“Get a room Carter.”  Chuny joked as she went by, privately thinking that the two suited each other to a t.  She could see the photographer had taken notice of them as well, his camera up and shooting a few frames of the oblivious couple.

Once everyone was seated, the wedding party got settled at their table, then the bride and groom were introduced and entered the reception to much tinkling of glasses and applause.  John could hear a few whistles as well, everyone was in a great mood, and he knew it was going to be a wonderful evening.

"Wow."  Lexi sighed as they were seated at the head table.  "This is like a fairy tale.  Look at this."

She gazed around the tent, the sides draped elegantly, decorated with vines and flowers.  The tables perfectly set and arranged with small flower centre pieces and flickering candles.  The pool area had been decorated as well, with floating flowers and candles in the pool which were now being lit as dusk fell.  She noted the lights strung in the trees, every small detail had been attended to.

"Thank John, he supervised the set up earlier, he had a lot of the ideas and he sure helped with the suppliers, the man has connections like you would not believe."

“Oh I would believe it Luka, he even helped get me find this dress, and Susan lent me the necklace and earrings."

“Well I owe him a yet another huge debt of gratitude then, you look so beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, I almost couldn’t breathe when you walked down the aisle."  He leaned in and gave her a long kiss.

Susan took her husbands hand, watching _her_ best friend kiss _his_ best friend with such love and adoration, it almost made her cry.

"Did we look like that when we got married."  She whispered against his ear as the glasses tinkled with silverware struck gently against it, another call for the happy couple to kiss.

"I'm sure we did."  He leaned in, nibbling her neck before giving her a kiss.  “Because I love you, always, forever, and you took my breath away today when you walked down the aisle.  Both the day we got married, and again today.  You look amazing, Susan.”

Susan gazed into the adoring eyes of her husband with a smile, reaching out to caress his face with the palm of her hand, knowing she was exactly where she needed and wanted to be.  Against all odds, she had found real and true love.

The serving staff appeared, presenting the starter for the bride and groom, soon everyone was eating, each course appearing at just the right time, the dishes disappearing back to the kitchen quickly as guests finished their meals.

John stood as the final plates were cleared from the main course and the first round of coffee and tea had been served and said a few short words to give his best wishes to the bride and groom.  Susan followed with a speech of her own, as did Lexi’s uncle.  One they were done Luka stood and cleared his throat, he was a bit emotional after listening to the words of his friends..

"I would like to say a few words, on behalf of myself and my beautiful new wife.  First of all, thank you all so much for coming, it means a lot that we could share this day with those closest to us.  As you know we both have lost a lot of our family, and our amazing friends have become our families in many ways.  To Lexi, thank for the joy and honour of becoming your husband.  Last, but certainly not least, I need to thank John and Susan, for the hours they have put into making this day a reality.  Thank you for the offer to use their gorgeous home and yard, thank you for the continuing support and assistance with all the details, the vision to make this day so very special.  As many of you know, since you worked with both of us a long time, John and I have not always gotten along."  This got a bit of a laugh and a few nods around the room.  "However, over the years as we have gotten to know each other, John has become...like my brother...sometimes that annoying younger brother, but..."

Luka became more sombre.

“I simply owe him my life, not all of you know the story and this is neither the time nor place, but he saved me, and I will forever be grateful.  He and his wonderful wife  Susan are also responsible for me meeting my beautiful new wife, their kindness and a last minute dinner invitation has led me to true happiness.  I owe you both more than I can ever say.  Susan, you have proven to be a true friend to both me and Lexi. I thank you both from the bottom of my heart, I love you both more than words can express.  To John and Susan."

Susan gripped Johns hand, wiping away a tear, feeling John press a handkerchief into her free hand, which she gratefully accepted as the tent rang with voices and the clinking of glasses.

Luka and Lexi came over and hugged both John and Susan, bringing tears to many watching eyes.  A lot of the guests would never have believed the two men could become so incredibly close, in fact neither John nor Luka would have ever believed it themselves.

The speeches over, the servers descended with coffee, tea and desserts, bringing around trays with a variety of dessert offerings for the guests to choose from.  There was also a table set up with the desserts so people could sample other options once everyone had been served the first round.

The band was set up and was playing some soft music during the dinner, people were now starting to mix and visit the open bar for drinks.  Haleh rose at a nod from John and went up to the podium, picking up the microphone.

“I have a special request for the new bride and groom, for their first dance.”  Haleh smiled at Lexi and Luka, waiting for them to rise and move to the dance floor.

The band started to play softly, Haleh crooning softly the words of Fly Me To The Moon.  The couple seemed lost in each other, making everyone smile.

Susan rested her head against John’s shoulder, watching their friends dance.

“I forgot what a great singer Haleh is, did she come up with this?”

“No,  I remembered she was fantastic and asked if she wouldn’t mind singing a few songs for us tonight, she and I decided this would be a good first dance.  So fitting if you really listen to the words.”

Susan looked up at him, with a little sparkle in her soft green eyes.

“You really are hopeless.  A hopeless romantic that is.”  She gave him a wink.

“You know it baby.”  He leaned in and kissed her, then lifted her to her feet as Haleh started the next song, leading her out to the floor.

His arms wrapped around her, bringing her in close, she leaned into him inhaling deeply, loving the feel of being close to him, his warm hand holding hers, the other resting lightly on her back, the heat of it radiating through the thin soft material of her dress.

She was grateful John was such a terrific dancer, she followed along as he moved smoothly among the couples that were now on the floor.  She lifted her chin to look up at him, his deep dark eyes meeting hers, a little jolt of electricity running through her as he leaned down to give her a kiss.  

As the dance ended, John gave her a squeeze as Luka asked her for a dance, Lexi now dancing with her uncle.  John held out his hand to Deb, who accepted readily.

"This is really beautiful John, you and Susan did an amazing job, and they both look so happy.  Maybe one day you can help me with my wedding."

“Is there some exciting news you are not sharing?  The man of the hour not with you?”  He checked out her left hand, disappointed to find it bare.

"No, sadly, we broke up.  Gerry is just a friend, but he agreed to be my date."

“I’m sorry, when did this happen?”  John felt bad, he had been so wrapped up in his troubles with Susan he felt like he had been neglecting his other friendships. 

“A couple days ago, so Gerry agreed to come with me, kind of last minute.”

John looked over at Gerry who was watching him dance with Deb, a slightly annoyed look on his face.

"Are you sure he's just a friend?  He looks like he wants to come over here and rip my heart out.  He’s knows I am married, he picked up on that, right?”

“And hopelessly devoted to your beautiful wife?  Anyone can see that, it is almost tough to see which is the newlywed couple, overtime I see you two you are in a lip lock. So yes, of course...and I’m not attracted to him.  He gets like that whenever I talk to a guy, he doesn’t get why my best friend is a man.  He just doesn’t know our history, I don’t know him well enough to share, it’s so personal.  Some of it I don’t even _want_ to share, it’s our memories, and there is so much...you know.“

Jing-Mei was trying to explain but she realized she didn’t have to, John understood her better than most people.

“True, and I do know, kind of one of those third date things right?”  He gave her a wink.  "I understand Deb, I do, I was hopeful about this last one,I'd like to see you happy, get married...all of that."

"So would I, so keep your eye out for single men."

"If I start checking out guys my wife is going to start to wonder about me."

“Hardly John, no one has ever mistaken you to be gay...or at all interested in men.”  Jing-Mei chuckled.  “With the parade of beautiful women in your life?  Your fetish for lovely blonds?  Not a chance.”

“Parade huh, well that just sounds bad.  I have so many exes I could have a parade?”

“Oh stop it.”  Jing-Mei gave him a little squeeze.  “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know, Deb, but I can’t get too soft on you, now can I?”

Luka in the meantime led Susan around the floor.

"Thank you so much Susan for today.  It has been extraordinary, you and John have done so much for us."

"Your welcome, and you know we wanted to, Luka.  You and John have become incredibly close and of course Lexi is my best friend.  I was touched by your words, and I know John was too, that you think of him like a brother.  Hard to believe considering, but...things just happen for a reason."

“That they do.  To think I almost did not stay for dinner that night, thank you for so warmly welcoming me into your home, for introducing me to Lexi.”

“Don’t even mention it, we all know what the holidays are like, Luka.  As you said, friends have become our family, its inevitable in our line of work, kind of like gravitational pull, we all stick together.  I hope we will have a lot of holidays together, that our kids will grow up as friends, well, maybe more like cousins perhaps.”

“I hope so.  I am overjoyed to see you and John looking happy again, you had a rough spot, we were worried about both of you.”

“We are working on it.  I think the hardest part is over with, but we love each other too much to give up so easily.  Some things are just worth the effort.”

“Indeed they are.  Every marriage has its ups and downs, you can only hope you have more ups than downs.”

Susan found that after the first dance with John she had trouble pinning him down for another.  He danced with Lexi next, then it seemed like he danced with everyone else in the room, of course he knew pretty much every single person there.  Susan was not sitting idle either, she was asked to dance by pretty much every man at the reception, and found herself having a great time.

John found Susan part way through the night, and held tight to her hand, until the next selection came on.

“Oh, you are kidding!”  Susan laughed as he pulled her onto the floor, it seemed like everyone was up and dancing as ‘Twist and Shout’ started to play.

“Had to have you for this one.”  He gave her a wink as she remembered the first year he had worked at County and the radio had played this very song dedicated to her. She, Carol and John had danced to it at the end of a very long and rough shift, it brought back a lot of memories.  Happy memories for the most part, when life was simpler...but she had to admit, she was much happier now that she had a husband and a family, even if she missed some of the people that had surrounded her back then, the friends that had left her in one way or another.

As soon as the song was over though, they were pulled in opposite directions, only catching glimpses of each other until it was time to cut the cake, amazing 3 tiered extravaganza decorated so intricately it felt a shame to mar the surface.

Lexi threw the bouquet at 11 pm, using one of the balconies upstairs to accomplish the task before retiring to change out of her wedding dress into a less formal dress.

Susan and John snuck out of the party for a few minutes to say good bye to the couple.

“Best wishes you two, enjoy your trip, but of course call anytime.  We will take good care of your precious angel and get Joe back to Abby.”

“Thank you both so much.”  Luka gave both of them long, heartfelt hugs, even laying a kiss on John’s cheek.  

Susan laughed, and Luka shrugged.

“I’m European, it is not so strange and he is like my brother.  You two take care of each other.”

“We will, you do the same.”  Susan hugged Lexi, then John did the same.

They escorted the couple downstairs where everyone was waiting to say good bye and offer their final congratulations before the limo whisked them into town for their wedding night.  Luka had arranged a room at the Langham for them, then they were taking a short honeymoon trip.  John and Susan were keeping Anya for a few days and of course Joe would go to Abby’s house.

Everyone else stayed as the party was still going strong, it was turning into a major party by this time, everyone mixing and mingling, dancing, with a lot of laughter and joking included.  It felt like old times in many ways.

They had a small ‘midnight’ buffet served with some finger food, wedding cake and a few of the remaining desserts, and by 2 am people finally started to say their thank you’s and good nights, eventually leaving John and Susan pretty much alone aside from the staff who were discreetly starting to clear the final dishes, tables and chairs.

"I finally get my wife back.  You looked like you were having fun."

“I was, it turned out great, everyone had a good time, I think we need to get the group together like this more often.”

John nodded silently, pulling her out on the floor as the soft strains of music floated in the night air.  

"Mm, I love this song.  Etta James, right?"

“Yes, Etta James, At Last.”  John wrapped her up in his arms, holding her against him as they moved slowly together.  "One of my favourites."

 _At last  
__My love has come along_  
_My lonely days are over_ _  
__And life is like a song  
__Oh yeah, yeah_  
_At last  
The skies above are blue_  
_My heart was wrapped up clover  
The night I looked at you_  
_I found a dream that I could speak to_  
_A dream that I can call my own_  
_I found a thrill to press my cheek to_  
_A thrill I have never known  
Oh yeah, yeah_  
_You smiled, you smiled oh  
And then the spell was cast_  
_And here we are in Heaven_  
_For you are mine  
__At last_

"We danced to this when we got married."  Susan said softly as she closed her eyes, snuggling into him.

"Mmhm."  John agreed quietly, thinking how true the words were, that he felt like he had finally found the right woman to spend his life with, at long last.

Susan lost herself in the soulful music, swaying with him, wishing this moment could last forever, his arms around her, how he smelled so delicious, his breath teasing on the side of her neck.  It scared her, how close she had been to giving it all up.

At the end of the song, John led her quietly out of the tent, back towards the house, leaving the clean up crew to finish up.

"I'll lock up after they're all done."  Emily had rested for a few hours, getting up when she heard cars starting to leave.  "You two have had a long day, off to bed."

"Thanks Emily."

"That was a nice last dance."  Susan removed her shoes before they started up the stairs. 

“Doesn’t have to be the last dance.”  He reached out and entwined their fingers, not letting go until they reached their bedroom.

Susan smiled, her husband was quite the romantic sometimes, and he an extensive music collection.  It was one of the things she had learned over time, he had an eclectic taste, and particularly loved jazz.  He was always so full of surprises, she was still learning all of his talents.  He had impeccable taste in clothing, food, wine, and as she had just found out over the past couple years...weddings.  She wasn’t sure if there was anything the man could not do, or learn to do, even his cooking had vastly improved over the past few years.

Susan went in to freshen up, John putting on some music, opening the french doors to their balcony.  She came out noting he had lit a few candles and all the other lights were off, the soothing music emanating from their private sound system.  She walked out, finding him looking out over the yard, turning as he sensed her presence.  

John could not help but smile as Susan joined him, even at 3 in the morning she looked beautiful.  He held out his hand, drawing her into his arms, holding her tight as they moved to the music. 

 


	65. Summertime

Susan opened the curtains, looking out over the back yard, it was a gorgeous morning, the sun peeking up over the horizon, not a cloud in sight.  She opened the french doors, stepping out onto their private patio, letting the soft breeze sweep over her.  She felt warm arms slide around her, soft lips tickle her neck as John swept aside her hair, nibbling on her nape.

"Mm, come back to bed, it's early."  He whispered against her skin, proceeding to slide the strap of her silky nightgown aside, his breath warm as his kissed across her shoulders, hands spanning her waist.  "We don't have to be up for at least an hour, none of the guests are coming until this afternoon."

Susan turned in his arms, her green eyes searching his face, before she wrapped her hand behind his neck, fingers playing with his hair.  She lifted her chin, welcoming the invasion of his tongue, probing his mouth as his thumbs stroked across her breasts, bringing her nipples to attention.  No further words were needed, she pressed her body against his, his bare chest warm under her fingertips, his breath hot as his mouth enveloped her over top of the satiny fabric.

" _John_."  She softly moaned his name, already wanting him, the straps pushed off her shoulders, leaving her standing naked as the gown slithered to the flagstones.  She let him take her by the hand, leading her back into their room, leaving the doors wide open, the curtains fluttering slightly behind them as he laid her out on the bed, his body covering hers.

" _You're beautiful, so damn beautiful_."  His whisper against her flesh as he lavished attention on every inch of her exposed flesh, loving her tenderly, their bodies rocking together until she cried out softly, her fingertips digging into his back as she arched against him.  They rolled as one, still holding each other, kissing sensuously as the cool air washed over them, the perspiration from their efforts leaving them quickly.

"I am going to have a smile on my face all day."  Susan brushed her fingers over his face, over his silky hair.

"Mm, me too baby."  John held her close as they both drifted back to sleep for another few minutes, he finally woke up again to the smell of fresh coffee.  

He slid out of bed, Susan fast asleep, a slight smile on her lips.  He pulled on a pair of pants, walking over to the small coffee maker in the sitting area of their bedroom suite, pouring a cup of the fresh brew, then quietly moving out to make himself comfortable on the chair overlooking the back yard.  He stared out at the lake, listening the sounds of the morning, the chirp of the songbirds, the slight sound of waves.  He loved living here, he was hesitant at first, buying such a big house, with the acres of wooded land around them, but it was peaceful and the kids loved it.

Their kids were still young, and they had a ton of room to roam, the woods beckoned, the expanse of lawn enticed them out to play.  He and Susan had a play centre built for them, swings, slides, and a playhouse to the one side of the yard, he knew as they all got older it would be well used.

Life was good - life with Susan, life with his family was incredible.  Some days like today, he woke up with a start, thinking it was only just a dream, that such happiness could not be real, then he remembered it was and he always felt incredible joy and happiness flood through him.  It had not been easy, not even close.  He had almost lost it all, and he was grateful every day.  It seemed like Susan was always giving him another chance, but he hoped he could prove to her he deserved it.  That he deserved the love of this incredibly wonderful woman.

Susan slowly opened her eyes, stretching, extending her arm, hitting the empty warm space where her husband was only a while before.  She could smell the fresh coffee, she knew he would be out enjoying the quiet of the morning.  After a few moments as was her habit, she donned one of his dress shirts, only doing a couple buttons, enjoying the smell of him.  He often hung a shirt over the chair beside the bed, knowing she loved wearing his clothes.  It had become a bit of a habit, a ritual almost, never spoken between them but they both still accommodated it.  Susan loved the comfort of them and John liked seeing her wear them, it was a small intimacy, but it created an emotional closeness they both wanted and needed in their marriage. 

“There you are."  Susan padded onto the deck and trailed her fingers across his bare shoulders, sliding onto his lap, a hot cup of coffee in her hand.  "I woke up all lonely in that big bed."  She gave him a kiss, then snuggled up to him, leaning against him as she too gazed out over the water.

"Sorry, I just didn't want to wake you and the coffee was calling.  The kids will be up soon, surprised the baby is still sleeping."  He wrapped an arm around her comfortably, resting his head against hers as they enjoyed the quiet of the early morning.

“He’s a good sleeper that one, I don’t feel as tired and strung out as I did with the other babies.”  Susan inhaled deeply, taking a sip of her coffee, loving the feel of his warmth against her as she relaxed in his arms.  This too had become a habit, a wonderful, morning ritual, sharing the peacefulness, looking out at the lake.

"Probably helps that we aren't working and it's summer.  The kids are so busy during the daytime they crash hard and sleep long."

"I love it here, John, I wasn't sure at first you know?  The house is so...extravagant, but it's peaceful and as scary as it seems, I am getting used to the lifestyle, being a kept woman.  One day you are going to send me back to work, I am such a free loader."

“I love it here too, and never.  You’re my wife and you are entitled to share whatever I have because I _want_ to share it with _you._  You worked hard for a long time Susan, and I know this had been an adjustment, but...I have come to realize that we have so much, why not enjoy it?  Why be in the rat race when we don’t have to, the crazy shifts, the even crazier patients, once the kids are older we can get back into working, in fact if you get bored or want to keep up your trauma skills take some shifts at County or at the Centre.“

“But you’re not going to right?”  Her tone was gentle, she knew this had been a very difficult adjustment for John.  Over the past few years, since he had come back to Chicago, his life had totally changed. 

"No, Susan, I'm not.  If things were different?  I probably would, but we both know I have to be careful, it irritates people when I cherry pick patients, flu season comes around?  I can’t work and expose myself to all of that.  Everything in my life has changed, everything I took for granted?  I don’t have that luxury.”

Susan rubbed his arm, knowing exactly what he meant.  It had been a struggle to come to terms with certain realities, but at the end of the day it wasn’t so different than so many others, at least they knew his health challenges, he was so closely monitored she was sure problems would be caught early.

“I know, but we are lucky in so many ways.”

“Hey, baby, I know that.”  He turned her to look at him.  “We had a rough spot a while back, but we’ve faced it, dealt with it, and the way I look at it?  I’ve been granted what is probably about my 7th chance in life, and I intend to make the most of it.  I feel so blessed, truly I do.  No matter what life holds, we have each other, we have our children, we have our good friends.  I feel like we have it all, and maybe it will change as time goes on, I guess we are still almost like newlyweds, but...it seems we have something special, something real, something true.”

 “I think we do too.  I’ve never felt like this with anyone before, ever.”  Susan looked down at him.  “I feel like you are my best friend, my confident, my lover, the father of my children, just...everything all rolled up in one person.”

“You are the same to me, you complete me, like you are the other half I didn’t realize was missing.  I’ve felt for a long time that something was missing from my life and now it know it was you.  Don’t ever leave me.”  He reached up, tenderly resting his hand on her cheek as she leaned down to capture his lips, her coffee now abandoned on the small table beside the chair.

It was a while before either came up for air, Susan snuggling in even closer to him as she rested in his arms thinking how hopelessly in love she was with this man.  Things had been rough for a while, they’d had their ups and down, but it was getting better.  They both had fully committed to the couples counselling and had made significant progress.  

He had recognized and acknowledged her anger, she had apologized for closing herself off when he made attempts to reach out to her.

He apologized for not seeing how much time Harper had been monopolizing, and admitted she was right, he had issues around letting exes go due to his own insecurities.  She had admitted to her own set of insecurities.

Susan had apologized for calling his apologies and romantic gestures crap, realizing that he had meant them, and how deeply hurt he had felt that the act of buying her flowers had been seen as insincere.  She felt a bit silly about it really, she had wanted all her life to have a man who did those kind of things, and when she finally did she told him she didn’t like it?  He forgave her of course and said he understood now it was the anger talking, not that she didn’t like getting flowers.

“I'm happy, Susan. I get to spend time with the kids, I keep busy with the two Boards, and we are going to need to get into some of the fundraising initiatives.  As much as I hate to admit it, I almost enjoy the Foundations stuff now, maybe because I get to pick and choose the causes, like the children's charities we are helping, the underprivileged kids, not re-tiling the Symphony Hall in marble."

"I know, you have been doing some really great things, John, and I agree.  You have had to change your lifestyle based on your health needs and that’s okay, many people have had to do it.  Their are lots of upcoming doctors to take your place, and you still teach through the Centre, you are great with the kids that come through on those tours.  Lexi shared some of the comments from the teachers and parents who chaperone, and they love the program we put in place as part of the health unit."

"I still love that part and I am glad I can still do it."  He rubbed her arm, encased in his dress shirt.  "We should think about showers and getting dressed soon, the kids will be up, I would like to make sure they have a good breakfast and let them have some time running wild outside before we have to get them out of the way."

"This should be interesting, how many people are coming?"

"Most of the staff we invited said yes, Cate was good enough to ensure schedules were arranged to allow everyone a chance to come.  The new doctors don't know us, so they don't care, it was the long time staff we worked with a lot that were interested.  Malik and Jerry were really excited, I guess when Malik heard we bought in Lake Forest he was already planning this party."

Susan laughed.  "Malik.  Of course, I love that guy, he is a bit crazy, but such a good person, and a fantastic nurse.  A lot of people were surprised, you have never really invited people over."

"No, well, the mansion was Gamma's house, not mine, I lived in a two bedroom apartment for a long time.  When I bought the first house...well, you know what happened, so we will leave that alone.  Then we were kind of occupied with the babies and getting you settled in Chicago with the house we bought together.  This is the first time I feel like I want to do this...a lot of these people we have known for years, they know my story, they just treat me like one of them, I don’t feel as weird about it.  Anyway, between Christmas and the wedding, almost everyone had been here and seen our house.”

John knew it was a lot about accepting it himself as well, the change in his lifestyle had surprised many people, but everything had changed, absolutely everything.

"I understand John, I think this will be fun, and if it turns out well then we will make it an annual thing, I can see us living here for a long time.  I can only imagine the comments, but...whatever, we needed the room and it fits where we are in our lives."

"Yes, but still, it seems so strange, this is the kind of house I grew up in, but we are different with our kids than my parents and grandparents were with me.  I expect a few comments, I mean this place is a bit over the top, but I love the location and the acreage and having the extra bedrooms so we can have guests stay over."

"Peter, Cleo and Reese, Luka, Lexi and Joe are all staying correct?"

"Yes, most everyone else has arranged rides to go home, though if anyone gets too drunk we still have a couple rooms open or we can send them to one of the hotels in a cab."

Susan took her last sip of coffee.  "All right, lets get dressed."

* * *

"Everything ready?"  Susan's voice floated down the stairs, John looked up at his wife, giving a low whistle.

"Wow, you look gorgeous."  His eyes ran over her light, pretty sundress, down the tanned legs, taking in the flat sandals which completed her attire.  As she reached the bottom of the stairs, he stepped over to give her a long kiss.  "Wish we had more time."

"Stop, I spent a while getting ready, can't be answering the door all flushed and wrinkled because my husband wanted a little roll in the hay."  Susan giggled as his lips tickled her neck.

"Mm, well you make it difficult, you look very sexy in that dress."

"You look pretty good yourself, but our guests will be arriving soon so you will just have to control yourself, naughty boy."  She whispered in his ear as the doorbell chimed.   "Incorrigible."

"Saved by the bell I guess."  John stepped over to open the door, greeting Peter, Cleo and Reese.

Cosmo appeared, seeing Reese he waved and the two boys disappeared to entertain themselves.  

Next to appear were Luka and Lexi, with Anya and Joe in tow, along with overnight bags, which John had taken up to the guest room.

“So good to see both of you!”  Susan gave them both big hugs planting a kiss on Luka’s cheek.

John greeted both of them warmly, seeing how happy the two looked.  It had been mere weeks since the wedding, and it seemed like all was going well with the newlywed couple.

“We have a little something for the two of you before everyone arrives.”  Luka pulled them both into the sitting room that looked over the back yard, pulling out a parcel, handing it to Susan.

“Wow, you didn’t have to bring us anything.”  Susan hefted the weighty package in her hands.

“Yes, we did.  The two of you have been such wonderful friends to both of us, and you just went that extra mile for our wedding.  We both know John did a lot of sneaky little extras for us, and when I saw this, I had to make sure you had it.”  Luka watched expectantly as Susan set the package on the coffee table, kneeling to unwrap it.

“Oh, wow.”  Susan was staring at the photograph, she almost wanted to cry.  

It was amazing, a framed picture of her and John, their little moment by the pool, neither of them in the least bit aware the camera was on them.  It was magical, the lighted trees behind them, the way they were looking at each other, their hands entwined, their bodies almost but not quite touching.

“The photographer caught such a special moment.” Lexi smiled, hoping they liked it.

“Amazing, thank you, both of you.  That is...just a gorgeous picture, I didn’t know he was watching us.”  John studied it, glad they had a copy.  “I didn’t see this in the proofs.”

“No we took it out, we wanted to surprise you, but you can get more copies if you like.”

They all exchanged another round of hugs, John put the new framed photo up on the mantle by the family picture they’d had taken that same day.

The early arrivals went out to enjoy drinks on the patio, John let the hired help answer the door for the subsequent arrivals so he and Susan could entertain the guests.

"Wowie, Dr. Carter!"  Jerry and Malik came out to the patio, both with small bags.  “Where's the pool?"

John laughed and pointed down the lawn.  "Guys, its John and Susan, okay?  The pool house is there, you can put your bags in, change and go for swim if you like, or if you wait for a while the food will be out in about half an hour.

Susan looked over and saw the tables had been set up and the barbecues were heating, the hot and cold chafing dishes were out and covered, so things looked under control.  The bar was open for everyone to help themselves, though John had been offering and pouring drinks.

Haleh, Chuny and Lydia arrived, Susan took them for a tour of the house and they soon laid claim to Aiden, Ava, Ben and Maya.

"Where's Devon?"  Peter looked around for the young boy.

"Oh, Harper is bringing him later, she took him up to Boston to see her parents, she had a few days off.  They are flying in and she will come out for a couple hours before she has to go back to Houston.  Probably 6 or so by the time they get here."

By the time everyone arrived, things were in full swing, they had endured the comments about the house, and everyone was having a good time.  John had invited a few people from the Centre, and Todd and Wendy Becker were planning on dropping in later in the afternoon as well.  The kids ran rampant, chased by Cosmo and Reese, and supervised by various adults as the afternoon went on.

“John.”  Susan was staring at the patio from her spot on the lounger by the pool.  “Were you expecting Jack?”

“No.”  He turned and looked over, seeing his dad come out of the house, with Barbara Knight.  

John could see Chuny staring at the older woman.

“She looks so familiar, I cannot place her.”  The nurse said to Susan as John headed towards the house.

“Barbara Knight.”  Susan said, almost laughing as the nurse choked slightly on her drink.

“Knight?  No way, that is not...is she, I mean was she related...to Lucy?”  Chuny whispered to Susan.  “How does she know where he lives?  What is she doing here?  Who’s the guy with her?”

Chuny watched as Carter reached the couple and started talking to them, then the hug that Barbara Knight gave him.

“Why is she hugging Carter like that?”

“Long, long story and I have no idea.  Excuse me, I need to see what is going on.”  Susan got up, heading over to the patio.

“Susan!”  Jack gave his daughter in law a hug, as did Barbara.  “Just telling John our good news.”

“News?”  Susan looked over at John who gave one of his little shrugs and a small laugh.

“Barbara and I got married.”  Jack had an almost silly grin on his face as Barbara held out her hand.

The ring was understated, but beautiful, Susan thought it suited the woman.

John had never seen his dad look quite so happy, and he felt like he was frozen to the spot.  It had only been a few months since the two had met, and they’d gotten married?  

“Wow!”  Susan was shocked but she covered it quickly, now wonder John looked so...freaked out?  His dad had married Barbara Knight of all people, that must be a very strange reality for him.  “Congratulations you two.”

“Well, I’m surprised, but yes, congratulations.”  John finally seemed to shake off the shock.  “As you can see we have a houseful, but why don’t the two of you join us?  We have lots of food.  Where are you staying?”

“Um, well, we kind of hoped we could stay a day or two here.  Sorry for dropping in unannounced, but we would love to see all the grandkids.”

“Sure, no problem, we have room.  You have luggage to take up?  We could do that, Jack, the ladies can go have a drink.”

“Yes, it’s just by the front door.  Good idea to put it out of the way.

John led his dad into the house, picking up the suitcase and taking it up, his dad trailing with a smaller carry on bag.

“So, a man of surprises aren’t you.”  John put the suitcase inside the bedroom, turning to look at his dad.  “Barbara Knight.  Holy crap.”

“Come on John, you are the one who is saying life is too short, the one who said go be happy.   _She_ makes me happy, we aren’t getting any younger, we have fun together, life is finally good.  I haven’t felt this great in years.”  Jack studied his son.  “You object to your new stepmother?”

“No, not at all, just kind of a whirlwind romance there Jack, but hey, if you’re happy then fine.  I like her personally, just don’t expect me to call her mom.”  John remembered the conversation he’d had with Barbara out at the Vineyard and her comment that he would be her son, that she wanted him to be her son.  Unsettling really, considering.

But of course no one else really knew the details of what had happened between him and Lucy, it was all rumour and supposition.  He almost laughed out loud remembering Chuny’s comment.  ‘You do that with your sister’?  Of course it didn’t count, Lucy had died years ago, but still, it was a little weird after what had happened between him...and her...and now his dad had married her mom?   Lucy must be laughing, wherever she was.

* * *

 Susan took Barbara over to the pool, offering the older woman and drink and getting her settled, introducing her around which got more than a few confused looks.  Barbara Knight?

Of course several of them knew Lucy, had worked with her.  Mainly the nurses, but Gerry remembered too, as did Peter and Cleo.  

“Gwampa.”  Ava bounced towards the two men as they came out of the house and Jack scooped her up.

“Hi grandpa.”  Cosmo went to give the man a hug then ran back to play with the other kids.

“Grandpa?”  Chuny was now really confused, recognition dawning as John introduced Jack to the group.

The kids all seemed to know both Jack and Barbara, she noticed that right away, though it was the first time his previous colleagues had met John’s dad, as of course Jack had never set foot in the County ER, he barely had been to the hospital in all the years his son had worked there.  Chuny could barely contain her glee when she realized that Barbara and Jack were married, and the look she gave Carter said it all.  However she still had to corner him.

“Your dad married Lucy’s mom?”  She snickered under her breath.  “You really are kinky, now you get to call her mom.”

“Oh stop it, I’m hardly going to start calling her mom.  They met in New York.”  John looked at the nurse, his voice becoming serious.  “Lucy has been gone a long time now, and I have spent a long time trying to deal with what happened that day, can we finally just let it go?  It was hard for me, just imagine what it must have been like for Barbara.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right, I’ll leave it alone.  Still very weird.”

“Tell me about it.”  John picked up his glass and rejoined the party.

* * *

 

After dinner, John lit the out door fireplace and everyone relaxed and sat around laughing, joking and reminiscing about old times.  It was a bit magical, the moon hanging over the water, the fire crackling and the soft lighting on the patio casting a soft glow.

"You must just love it out here."  Chuny sighed and looked out over the water.  "The place is incredible, Carter."

"We do love it.  Lots of room for the kids, and being right by the water is relaxing.  We have several acres so no neighbours to worry about, lots of privacy."

"Daddy!"  Devon came running across the patio, John scooped him up.

"Hey Dev.  How was the visit to grandma and grandpa's house?"

"Okay.  Mommy said she has to go back home tonight."  The boy said sadly.

"Yeah, I know Dev, did she come in with you?"  John excused himself, carrying Devon into the house, finding Harper loading up a plate of food from the buffet laid out in the dining area.  "Harper."

"Hi, sorry, I didn't get a chance to eat, I thought I would grab some food before I have to go again.  Can you feed Devon?'

"Of course."  He picked up a plate and arranged a bit of food for the boy, sitting him up at the eat up bar in the kitchen, Harper sat down beside him.

"Drink?"

"Milk daddy!"

"I'll have one of those too."  Harper gave him a smile.  "My parents say hi."

"How was it?"

"Stressful, you know how they are."  Harper shrugged.  “My dad isn't doing so well."

“I’m sorry to hear that, anything serious?”

“He’s worse, crankier than ever.”  She looked over as Jack came in.

“There you are John, I heard Devon was back.  Harper, how are you?”  He nodded at the blond woman.

“Good Jack, just a quick visit and I have to get back on a plane.  You?”

“Great.  Hey Devon, let’s take you out to see Barbara.  You can eat outside.”  He took the small boy and his plate out with him.

“John?”

“Yes?”

“They’re sending me...in a couple months.”  Harper met his eyes.  “I have to get my affairs in order, I might be gone 6 months, maybe longer.  Will you be able to take Dev up to see them while I’m gone?  They can’t travel, but do you think Susan would mind?”

“I’ll talk to her, but expect not, I’m not visiting you, I would be taking Dev to see his grandparents.  Wow, you are actually going, that’s amazing, are you excited?”  John sat on one of the stools.

"Nervous...kind of terrified actually.  Anyway, NASA is going to send someone to set you up a secure link, don't tell anyone about it, just for you and Dev to use to talk to me.  Well, Susan can know of course, but keep it quiet."

"We can do that.  When are the coming?"

"They'll call you, have a technician come in and do everything.  I have to go into quarantine, but I get a week off before then and I'd like to have Devon for that time."

"Let me know the dates, Harper, of course you can have him for the week, he needs that as much as you do.  This is kind of surreal, you are actually going."

"I know, it has been a tough few months, good thing I was in good shape already, the person who was supposed to go can't so they called me to fill in, our team is being moved to the front, I thought it would be another year before this happened."  She leaned on her hands.  "I am going to miss him, it's already difficult, he is going to change so much John."

"I know, but we will make sure you talk to him through the link up.  How often can you contact us?"

"I get a few minutes a day, so we can try to set something up for a regular talk, though I know you might not always be able to accommodate it and I will need to fit my parents in there too.  You'll get a package and I will give you the names of the Houston officers who can keep you in the loop.  You are my emergency contact, if anything goes wrong, I am counting on you John.  Take care of our baby."

“Harper, it’s going to be fine, and you know Susan and I will take good care of Dev.  He’s my son, I will always be there for him.”

“I know.  I should say good bye to Dev and get out of here. Susan is not going to be very happy I’m here, right.  She hates me, and I get it, I interfered with you and her.”

“Bygones Harper.  This is a conversation about Devon, you aren’t banned from our house or anything, it would just be inappropriate for you to stay here.  A visit like this to drop off our son is hardly a deal.”

“I guess.  Hey, I am even leaving the planet now, so she can be happy, tell her they are strapping me to a rocket and bye bye Harper.”

"Not funny, Harper.  You need to come back safe, for Devon."

“I know.  Let me say hi to her and good bye all at the same time, I really should go.”  Harper knew she shouldn’t push their luck, not when things seemed to be going well for John, not when he had made it all up with Susan.

* * *

 

Susan sat contemplating after everyone had said their good nights, thinking about what John had told her about Harper.  Leaving the planet, strapped to a rocket the woman had said.  Funny.

In all seriousness, she appreciated that Harper was all business this visit, she talked to John alone briefly to share the news, said hello and goodbye in quick order and left.  No hugging, no flirting, no comments.  John had really laid down the law with her and Susan appreciated it more than she could express.  She knew she had nothing to fear from the other woman, a realization that John would do anything to make their marriage work settling over her like a warm blanket.

Even her obsessing over the sexual relationship he'd had with Harper, they'd had some long talks and now she realized she was being ridiculous.  She and John had their own memories, and they promised never to let it get boring in the bedroom...or where ever else they decided to make love.  Her biggest epiphany was just that, he made love to her, it wasn't just sex, what they had was on a whole other level.  As for sharing him with another woman, that would never happen, all he said to that was 'bucket list' , it wasn't anything more than that, he didn't expect or even want to do those kinds of things with her.  And she was relieved to hear it, it, it wasn't something she needed to experience.

John stood holding out his hand to her.

“Earth to Susan.”  He said softly, shaking her out of her reverie.

"Bedtime?"

"Not yet, I want my wife to dance with me."  He pulled her to her feet, holding her in his arms as they swayed to the soft music drifting over the patio.  "It went well."

"Yes, everyone wants a repeat in a few months."

"Hmmm, we shall see.  Maybe we will collect strays at Christmas again, that was a lot of fun."  He brought her in closer, his arm tightening around her.  "Have I told you today how much I love you?"

"Maybe once or twice."  Susan burrowed against him, enjoying the quiet intimate moment with her husband.  It had been a long busy day.  "I love you too, John.  Let's go to bed."

They moved into the house, turning out lights and locking doors as they went.  The staff hired for the day had cleaned up, run the dishwashers and put all the food away, things were sparkling and tidy, ready for the morning.

* * *

 

 Susan rolled over with a smile on her lips, gently stroking her husbands hair as he slept.  He looked so young, not a care in the world when he was under so deeply, finally it seemed that he was sleeping properly.  It had been a while since he had done any 2 am wandering.  He seemed...content with life, so far from who and where he was when she first met him, he was comfortable in his own skin it seemed.

He had faced his demons, matured, become a wonderful husband and father, and she loved him more than she could express.  

Life was good now, and though she knew there would be challenges in the future, she was certain it would all be okay  They had family...John and his dad were finally on common ground...they had good friends...they had a family.  Everything they had ever wanted.

Susan curled up close to John as his arm curled around her protectively in his sleep, listening to him breath, comforted by his presence. 

“I love you.”  She whispered as she let her eyes drift closed.

She knew that meant they could face anything the future brought, because they would face it together.

 

The End


End file.
